Let Me Kill You Sweetheart!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 22:48:00 -0500

Greetings from the other side of the mind! That’s right, Rodney and me are finally back from our bi-yearly trip to ExoticaFest. Nothing like 10 days in the Arizona desert to help you lose your ego. I have to tell you, I lost mine at least 7 times in these past 10 days, and only twice to Rodney. The other 5 times were to a nice older couple with teardrop tattoos. They even gave me one, but I rubbed it off after taking the peyote suppository Aston gave me. Yeah, Aston came too. Speaking of Aston, he insisted on wearing that gay sparkly T-shirt thing ALL FRIGGIN WEEK!!! I told him it was gay, but he didn’t seem to mind. He also put more of that glitter cream on his dick. Despite Aston, I did have tons of fun. I saw all my favorite bands and independent performance artists. I saw Puddin’ Stone, Captain Starlight, Rascal Flats, and The Amazing Giant Rainbow Machine. The Amazing Giant Rainbow Machine wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Yes, it was a machine that made a rainbow, but you really couldn’t call it a giant rainbow. It was only about 30 feet tall, which is tall, but most rainbows are tons bigger than that. This one did have a pot ‘o gold at the end, so to speak, but I really don’t see what was so great about it. I didn’t come to freaking ExoticaFest to take a damn shower, even if the water was kind of yellow. Of course, Aston was really excited to get his golden shower. Don’t worry, we all made the obvious jokes and made him feel sufficiently humiliated for wussing out and taking a shower. But he can’t fucking take a joke so he spread shit all over my damn nose while I was passed out from those pills the guy with the sailor’s hat gave me, and, of course, the only damn shower was the one at the damn end of the damn Amazing Giant Rainbow Machine. Believe me, I didn’t want to, but I had to get that asshole’s shit off my nose, so I took a shower. I’d love to say that the water tasted like chocolate and I came out covered in gold, but it tasted kind of like piss. I’m sure it was just the gold coloring they put in the water. Aston told me that it was, in fact, piss they were using and that he had donated his piss but that it was mostly horse piss. I don’t believe that shit, though. Would the lead singer of Rascal Flats take a shower in pee? I don’t think so. He was in there while I was and he totally pointed out what he thought was some shit on my dick, but it was just a mole. He even tried to wipe it off for me. He’s really nice. Anyway, next time he’s in town I’m going to let him chill at my apartment. In return he’s going to take me to this place called The Players Retreat. Have you guys heard of it? It’s his favorite bar when he come to Raleigh. Anyway, I’m still getting over all the fun I’ve had this past week and a half, so I’m going to end this now. I’m going to Sadlacks to get a warm cheese sandwich. I hear they have cheddar now.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 28 Sep 2006 16:34:00 -0500

The following is a true story.

I recently held a benefit dinner for my favorite benefit event: benefit dinners. The cost of the event was to be 12 mosquitoes and a subway token. Because subway tokens are no longer in use, I assumed that I was safe in assuming that it wouldn't hurt to assume nobody would be able to come and I prepared no food and I made not provisions for the preparation of food. The benefit of this benefit to benefits was, if it's not completely obvious to you now, that I would get people excited about benefit dinners and perhaps encourage the use of the benefit dinner when one wants to benefit something. I could not come up with a better something that I wanted to benefit as I am in a bit of a funk as of late.

To my chagrin and embarrassment, which is only slightly different than chagrin, but significantly different for me to include both here, over 70 people showed up to the benefit dinner. Fortunately only 12 stayed after I informed them that there would be no food. Of those 12, 6 were children and I hit them on the head until they just kind of wandered off. The other 6 were adults and, as I'd hoped from the beginning, we formed an awesome band based around the characters of Jan Karon's Mitford series of books. I got to be Father Tim (yes!), and I play bass guitar. Our band is called Happy Endings, which is the name of the bookstore in Mitford, where the Mitford series is set.

The band got off to a good start, playing shows in both Cary and at the Streets at Southpoint. We didn't just want to copy the books, so all the songs were about characters from the book doing dirty things to each other that you don't read about in the books. The soccer moms still loved us, though I don't think they could hear the lyrics through Chesty's stage attire, which consists of 20 blankets draped over his head. After we played 2 shows, Chesty got a big head and decided to go solo. He now sits out next to the fountain downtown and gives homeless men and women blowjobs. I have to admit, all in all, that his performances is much improved over his Happy Endings days, but I wish he would have taken the rest of the band with him on his artistic journey.

Me? I'm planning my next benefit dinner. This time I think the price of admission will be 200 tiny radios all tuned to Radio Disney and I'll serve old fashioned candies that I'll have to buy at a general store or Costco or something. The results will be sublime. Won't you join me?

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 20 Sep 2006 10:45:00 -0500

In my many conversations with friend and some actual fans of mine in the last few days (they do exist!) I realized that a lot of people have trouble deciding what they want to do. I'm not talking about what they want to do with their lives, but what they want to do on a moment to moment basis. It's easy to get stuck in a rut of surfing the internet, watching Sportscenter, or just plain old sleeping with strangers and not doing anything constructive. If you find yourself in a similar situation right now I want to try to help you. So here's what you do: read my list of suggestions of things to do below and do one of them. I think you'll find it's better than doing drugs or asking your parents for money.

1. Get some cheese (a hard cheese is best) and a decent nonstick frying pan. Put the cheese in the pan and cook it until it burns. Eat the cheese. This is a good replacement for slitting your wrists. Anytime you feel the urge to slit your wrist, eat some burnt cheese...and call your therapist/support group mentor.

2. Wrap your head in bandages and go grocery shopping.

3. Pee in a cup and then pour the cup into the toilet. Discard the cup. Interrupting such an automatic function as urinating with an unnecessary step causes us to stop and think about our waste and what we do with it. This might help you stop drinking, especially if you just peed in your only cup.

4. Go to McDonald.

5. Find a child in a park and give it a stick. Tell the child the stick is magical. Cherish the child's wonder and amazement in the magical stick.

6. Walk up to a stranger on the street and say, "It's a wonderful day to be Jesus!"

7. Kill a spider and then thank God for giving the spider life and for letting you have such an essential roll in controlling the spider population.

8. Resist the urge to have your spider spayed or neutered.

9. Try to hit a squirrel with an acorn. You probably can't do it, but if you do you'll feel guilty and that's probably good for you. You've probably done something far worse that you don't even know about.

10. Pet a kitty cat while whispering scandalous (but not sexy--you don't want to get confused) secrets to it. Who would you like to kill? What albums by Matchbox 20 do you own? What's your middle name? Tell the kitty cat. They'll judge you silently, but still let you pet them.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 8 May 2006 22:10:00 -0500

Well, now that everybody's favorite horse has won the Kentucky Derby, let's take a moment to remember those who didn't win:

Sat on a Cracker- This horse performed well in regional derbies, but couldn't catch a break in the big show. He came in 12th despite the fact that his jockey peed on his back during the race!

My Wife's Lawyer- Named after the owner's wife's lawyer, this horse is actually a crocodile. Needless to say, it wasn't even in the race.

Talk About Gross- Talk about gross indeed! This horse has three gigantic testicles sticking out of its forehead. I guess the extra testosterone counteracts the loss of aerodynamics; Talk About Gross came in second.

Glittery Mustache- This horse is a magnificent mystery.

Deputy Ding-a-ling- I don't remember anything about this feller.

Goodnight.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 19:44:00 -0500

Wow, you get to listen to another episode of Jonathan's Radio Program. Isn't that wonderfull? Isn't it great. God is on the throne, GWB is the Prez. and REO Speedwagon is getting back together. What's not to be happy about? Download here or stream here. Enjoy everywhere!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 7 Jan 2006 23:20:00 -0500

This blog entry is going to be a "potpourri" of small things I've been meaning to blog about for a while, but never wanted to devote an entire entry to ;)

1. Why doesn't blogger's spellcheck recognize the word blog? Weird right? And annoying!

2. BK's chicken fries are very different from what you might expect from the pictures. The pictures make them look like they have a light golden crust when it's really more like a mozzarella stick crust. They're not too bad, though, and they seem to have a wide assortment of sauces.

3. The guy that works at the photo center at the local drug store looks and talks an awful lot like Patton Oswalt.

4. Why are people so afraid of other people's opinions? If I think a certain President is a douche, that doesn't mean I'm going to make you eat a shitburger. Now if I MADE you EAT the shitburger, THEN you could get mad.

That's all for now,

Jonathan

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 7 Jan 2006 11:37:00 -0500

It's a wonderful day indeed...for you! Jonathan's Radio Program is now online! In episode one Jonathan sort of interviews Louie Anderson and Diane Warren. He gets discouraged when he finds that he's made a terrible mistake. Stream or download it here!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 6 Jan 2006 14:29:00 -0500

I usually don't post links to other sites on this blog, but this is just too delicious!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 00:07:00 -0500

Cheesies-T,Goo-Fiest and me put our uniforms on (woven belts, jean shorts and white clown make-up) and performed in the first ever Hannafest. Hannafest was named after some woman who died of food poisoning, but the crowd was E-LECTRIC! And alive. Our set came right in between The Compson Twins (bluegrass) and We Won't Touch Your Stuff (just some gay guy at a piano), but the crowd was really into our unique style of horror-clown shock rap. We started with "Git Rid O U Funky" and did a flawless segue into "Spank the Police." During "Pussy With a Hard-on," we did our famous acapella homage to Smokey Robinson's "Tears of a Clown" (Chees is a big fan) and at the end of the set we brought it legit with "Monkeys Luvin' Ducks!" That last one cleared the mutha-fucking room yall! We raised over 13 dollars for the Hanna Died of Food poisoning Fund (sounds like one of those gay-ass emo bands doesn't it?) and managed to only spend 10 of those dollars on beer and vanilla flavored cigarettes. We spent the end of the night all three vomiting into the same toilet (our apartment only has one) and kind of making out with each other. How can you top a night like that? Jeez...Sometimes I think life is almost worth living.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 25 Dec 2005 22:18:00 -0500

Merry Christmas everyone! I had a good Christmas this year. I went home to spend the hollydays with my parents and I had the best time! I saw Manny for the first time in 3 years last night when I went to the crappy Christmas Eve party at Loco's on West Market St. If you've ever been to Loco's, you know that they let two or three guys dance on stage each night. Well, last night who did I see dancing? It was Manny! Of course I didn't talk to him...I couldn't bring myself after what happened between us. He still owes me a little money and I still owe him a BIG explination! So I came back to my parent's house and found the shoes Manny left there in high school and the smell brought back so many memories that I just broke down crying. I decided to burn the shoes and just get manny out of my life forever. So I went outside and set them on fire at around 3am. The fire got really big and stained the porch, but they're just a lump of rubber now. I hope he doesn't want them back. Also, I made some snowflakes for the hearth at home. They're really great. If I had my camera, I'd take a picture and show you all. Wish you could have been here.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 21 Dec 2005 22:24:00 -0500

Man, did you guys ever find out that someone close to you wasn't really who you thought they were? That happened to me yesterday. I was in this store and I was walking beside Rodney. He said "let's go into the garden center" and I said "uh...ok" and I walked into the garden center. So I was walking around in the garden center, not knowing what to look at just looking around, thinking that Rodney was right beside me. There was this person browsing beside me that looked just like Rodney out of the corner of my eye. I was bored so I found this garden troll and a water hose and pretened that the troll was sucking on the water hose like it was a penis. When the troll came to completion I made orgasm sounds and flicked the water out of the hose onto the guy I THOUGHT was Rodney! BUT IT WASN'T RODNEY! IT WAS A GAY MAN!!!....It turns out Rodney didn't even go into the garden center and the gay man was really a not very gay security guard. I ran to the car only to find Rodney getting a blowjob from a guy with a mustache and an Atlanta Braves hat. I never dreamed Rodney would ever show himself like that, you know? When your best friend turns out to be a gay asshole, how can you live with yourself anymore? Well, life goes on I suppose. I hope next time we go to the garden center I can show Rodney the trick where I make the little troll come on a security guard!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 17:41:00 -0500

If somebody asks you what your "masturbation schedule" looks like, how should you respond?

I don't know either, yet I was asked precisely this question at the movie theater last night. Let me explain.

I had gone to see the final local showing of Undead Judgment. If you haven't heard of Undead Judgment, it does for organ donation what I Am Sam does for letting retarded people have custody of their children. It makes you not want to do it. It also does for really crazy Christians what Narnia did for crazy Christians. It takes a perfectly good movie and makes it annoying to watch in a theater.

Undead Judgment is, first and foremost, a zombie movie--but it's got one hell of a twist. In this zombie movie, all the zombies are Christians who have died "in Christ," and risen again. They used to turn the other cheek, now they're kicking heathen ass! But the movie's not really about kicking heathen ass, it's really about the plight of one poor zombie who signed an organ donor card and ended up giving his eyeballs to some poor sap who needed eyeballs. Well, the zombie no longer has eyeballs and so he can't see when he's resurrected. It's kind of sad really. He mostly just walks around bumping into stuff until he meets a little Jewish girl and her dog who teaches him about diversity and leads him around so he can do zombie missions sent to him in dreams. Don't let the subject matter scare you away. Like Narnia, this movie really isn't about Jesus kicking ass. It's about zombies. But don't tell that to the really crazy Christians that I mentioned earlier.

After the movie I was standing outside with my friend Rodney and a guy walks up to me and says "Hey, I saw you in Undead Judgment. What did you think?" I said what I always say in situations like this: "It was pretty good." Boy, was that a mistake.

"Yeah man, I really loved it too. Did you make any decisions during the movie?"

"Wha?"

"Did you make any decisions about your life during the movie?"

"Um...I don't think so."

"It really made me think about what side of the End Times I want to be on."

FIRST of all, we're all on THIS side of the End Times. We don't have a choice. It hasn't happened yet. There's nothing we can do about it. "Do you want to be a zombie?"

"Well, the zombies really are allegories for the dead in Christ."

"Right, right"

"Are you a Christian?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to be a zombie."

"It's just a movie about zombies, Christians aren't really zombies."

"I know, I'm a Christian."

"What's your masturbation schedule like?"

"Ummmmmm"

"You know, masturbation destroys your soul. It causes blindness, deafness and lowered sperm count. I like to keep a schedule to keep myself accountable. I share it with a couple guys in my Bible study. If I'm masturbating too much, they'll pull me aside and rebuke me."

No shit. "Mmm, hmmm."

"You know, Jesus says that if your eye causes you to sin, you should pluck it out. But you also gotta think that you'll need that eye in the end times...so you want to do all you can to keep that eye man. And if you pluck that one eye out, who's to say your other eye is not going to cause you to sin? Best to nip it in the bud, you know?"

"Wow"

"I gotta go man, but if you want to learn more about the End Times, you should come to this."

He hands me a pamphlet.

"Uh, ok. Later"

"God Bless man."

Here's what the pamphlet said:

Ever want to know what happens when you're dead?

Maybe you should be more concerned with what happens when you're not dead!

Arthur Tiddy Ministries presents a later days ministry presentation:

THE END OF ALL: A SURVIVAL MANUAL

How to make your way in the NEW days of Christ

Thursday: PHYSICAL PURITY AND THE ARMY OF GOD

Friday: THE MOST EMBARRASSING PREDICAMENT: DON'T GET CAUGHT-UP MASTURBATING

Saturday: WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LIVE WITHOUT A LIVER: RESURRECTION AND DARKER SIDE OF ORGAN DONATION

Sunday: JESUS IS THE ANSWER, BUT THE QUESTION IS: (find out on this day!)

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 8 Dec 2005 23:21:00 -0500

For those of you coming to the holiday party at my place tomorrow, here's a list of things we WON'T be needing (this one's for you Rodney):

-Rodney (haha JK!)

-The Heroes of Desert Storm Commemorative Plates

-anus forks

-rice

-chinese broccoli

-roaches (eww!)

-david allen grier (i'm not joking rodney, you can't bring him!)

-pornography (that's for the party on SATURDAY night)

-Little Louie Anderson chopstick holders

-worship music

-the garfield christmas special (we already have it)

-corn of any kind

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 22:12:00 -0500

Honest to God real upcoming episodes of Maury:

-I'm 13 years old and I want to adopt a Chinaman!

-Maury! I peed in my pants in line at the DMV!

-I'm stuck in a well and I want some pizza!

-Help Maury! I've got a primordial dwarf in my cootch!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 5 Oct 2005 13:19:00 -0500

You guys know that I do temp. work from time to time. Well today I got a call from trusty old TRC saying that they had a one day job for me if I could do it today. Needless to say, I took it.

It was at a place called KinderKoncepts and I had NO IDEA what to expect. When I got there, they told me that I would be entering data on potential child actors into a huge database of child actors. What I ACTUALLY did, was enter data into the database for the 10 kids that showed up to the big casting call today (I'm told it was poorly advertised; usually they get hundreds of kids) and, since the parents were told that the casting call would take all day, I had to BABYSIT 7 kids for the rest of the day until their parents came back.

These kids were precious. Little Weston had me in stitches with his (or maybe her) imitation of an alligator in Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Unfortunately, little Aundrea MaKenna (she insisted I call her Aundrea MaKenna, her first and middle name, or she wouldn't let me change her diaper) was the only black child in the bunch and Weston kept "attacking" her, "cause mummy says dats what al-gaytas do to blacksies." Believe me, it was funny. The male twins, Tyler and Tayler gave me the sweetest picture of their family: T and T (that's what their dad called them) were standing in front of their house while their dad was sitting in a car with their mom (I think) and they were both waving at some other lady who was hanging from a tree by her neck. She was smiling though. That was actually pretty odd. The female twins, Katelynne Marie and Suz (pronounced Sooz), did each other's make-up and then tap-danced while humming the theme songs to Suddenly Susan and Victoria's Closet, but they called them "daddy's sexy songs." I don't know what that means. By far my favorite kid to babysit today was little Sassy. That's right, she IS every bit as cute as her name and she is a JEWEL. When her dad came to take her home she kicked him in the shin and said that I was her new daddy. Isn't that sweet? And all because I gave her a cupcake and told her she had the pretty hair. She said, "Daddy says my hair is limp and lifeless, will you be my new daddy?" I said no, but that she could stay with me for a while if she needed some time away from her daddy. Keep your fingers crossed!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 2 Oct 2005 01:14:00 -0500

Well, it's 2:11 AM and Rodney STILL hasn't called! We were supposed to go see Robin Hood: Men in Tights at the campus cinema and WTF? It was a midnight showing and it started at MIDNIGHT!!! We've probably missed the whole thing already, but if he would just call me now, we could probably make the after party at Daniel's house. I guess I could go by myself, but that's NOT the point! I waited for Rodney to call until it was too late to see the movie, and now I feel like I just wasted the whole f*cking night. Have friends really sucks sometimes, doesn't it? *sighs*

I'm sorry guys, I'm depressed and I know I'm showing a bad side of myself tonight, but sometime I just wish someone would look out for my needs. I'm always looking out for Rodney and Alex and Darrius and even Michelle sometimes, but what about me? I mean, Rodney wouldn't have ANY friends if I hadn't introduced him to Mike and all those soccer players! I'm sorry guys, you know I love you all. I just need some time to work this stuff out.

Thanks for reading.

Jonathan

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 17:00:00 -0500

Reflections After Jessica

This story is based on a true story about this girl I knew named Jessica.

Anyway, I was at The Lonely Beluga (it's a sports bar in Cary. I know I know!, but they have GREAT Mojitos) with my friend Rodney and I saw this girl that I went on a few dates with in '03. Her name was Jessica and she had the most beautiful red hair that you've ever seen (this side of Gabe). It's really too bad that most of the population doesn't like red-heads, cause this girl was stunning in addition to having beautiful red hair. Anyway, I had a couple in me (99 cent mojitos on Wednesdays!) and I decided to take a chance and see what she was up to.

It started out really well. When she saw me she got this look on my face like she was a little surprised, but excited to see me. We were talking about what has gone on in our lives in the last 2 years. I told her about the demise of Cardboard Celebrities and how I've been awarded a grant for my art installation project where I collect brochures advertising art installations and use them to make a papier-mache dildo that I insert into a real doll brand real doll. Jessica pointed out that a papier-mache dildo wouldn't be very comfortable and I pointed out that a real doll isn't actually real and we both had a good laugh. I don't know what it was about this girl, but it just seems like she WANTED to like me! All of my opinions were the exact opinions that she had or were very similar to her opinions. She didn't even blink an eye when I told her my views on space exploration and she said she'd never thought of sending all the Gays into space but she thought that maybe they could spruce it up a bit.

Anyway, then Rodney came over and ruined the whole thing. He said he was puking up blood and that he needed to go to the hospital. He wouldn't even let me get her phone number. And the worst part is this part: The doctor pumped Rodney's stomach and found not one drop of blood. I guess it was marinara sauce from the pepperoni pretzels or something. Oh well, I guess it's all for the best. I Remembered today why we broke up in the first place. She doesn't like baseball. What a c**t!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 27 Sep 2005 14:29:00 -0500

I was playing with my lady who falls through bubbles and I got this vague feeling of disgust with myself. The feeling lingered for about 30 min. and I just couldn't shake it! So I stopped playing with my bubble lady and just sat in my chair thinking for so long that my lady got stuck on a bubble. I pulled her off of the bubble and flung her into the air. That was satisfying, but what I was thinking about was STILL DISTURBING ME! Then it hit me: IT'S 4:30! WHY AM I NOT WATCHING ELLEN!

So i jumped out of my chair and ran to the TV. In the process I kicked over my guitar (it's ok) and there was Ellen. She was talking to Roger Ebert about the Lilo and Stitch cartoon show. I've never watched the Lilo and Stitch cartoon show, but Ellen loves it.

That night I was at my favorite watering hole playing beavers with Rodney and Alex when I remembered my bubble lady. She was probably stuck on a bubble again, but I coudn't do anything about it. The last time I ducked out in the middle of a game of beavers Rodney pretended that there was a "bug or a stain or something" on my shirt the next time we saw each other. He got real close to it and then he FUCKING BIT MY NIPPLE. HARD. I'm not going through that shit again.

So we finished our game of beavers and I forgot all about the bubble girl again. By this time it was 2:15 and Stubs's was closing but Rodney and Alex and I weren't even tired. So we were begging Adoh (sp?) (pronounced A-Dough), the bartender that night, if he would stay and let us drink for a little while longer. He wouldn't, but he said we could come by his place and party with him and his roommate. Well, I don't know where your from, but around here, party means weed. So we go and, sure enough, Adoh and his roommate Mr. Wallemyer (i didn't catch his first name) light it up right when we walk in the door. Me and Rodney are super stoked, but Alex has a thing about weed and he gets all whiny and shit. Mr. Wallemyer takes me aside and says he'll take care of Alex if we want him too and i say "boy howdy" (I was high) and Mr. Wallemyer takes out these pills and slips 2 of them in Alex's drink. Then he tells Alex that he got this statue of Admiral Ackbar (sp?) that sings the ABC's and Alex thinks that's kind of cool so he goes to Mr. Wallemyers room to see it and doesn't come out for like, all night! Alex actually is not returning my phone calls anymore. So Rodney and me and Adoh smoke up all night until Rodney falls asleep and Adoh pulls his dick out and puts it on Rodney's face and looks at me and starts laughing like he was saying "look at me, I've got my dick on Rodney's face? Aren't I cool? don't you want to put your dick on Rodney's face?" but before he could ACTUALLY say all this, I said I had to go to the bathroom and I went outside. When I got outside I just kept on walking until I got to my car and then I just drove home. I don't like driving in that condition, but DAMN! Adoh was getting kind of weird, you know? Rodney called me the next day was kind of mad and wanted me to pick him up, so i did. To make it up to him I took him to IHOP and gave him a pancake from my Rootie Tootie Fresh and Frootie and he kind of forgot about being mad. He got some whipped cream on his face and I started laughing (i just couldn't help it!), but he never found out why I thought that was so funny. So I get home from THERE around 4:30 pm the next day because Rodney has to go to dumbass Post-Colonial Gay-Ass Literature class. When I realized that I missed half of Ellen again. This time she was talking to Antonio Banderas about the new Zorro movie (could be good--I'll prolly see it). After it was over I turned on the monitor to my computer and there was bubble lady. she was stuck on a bubble and I pulled her off and let her drop for a while. then she got stuck again and I flung her across the screen and she flopped around and it made me kind of sick so I stopped. by then it was time for jepardy (sp?) and me and matt watched that.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 15 Sep 2005 14:48:00 -0500

Being that Sallie and I wanted to see a movie, I went to see Junebug yesterday and it was a good movie. I got the bestest joke out of it too. The joke was not actually in the movie, but it was said by one of the characters in the movie who said "if i were a phillips head screwdriver, where would i be?" and a lady behind me said "getting screwed."

I hope you enjoyed my opening paragraph. It is an homage to section 002 of T102 (can I get a whoop whoop?!). It really happened though.

Also happened were these things:

-I saw a man standing in front of whole foods with the cutest sign. It said "Homeless -N- Hungry." I know the man was just trying to get something to eat, but i think he might have given me the name of my new country band. Perhaps Matt will co-lead sing with me and we can hire some backing musicians. I want to be "Homeless" (for obvious reasons). Matt can be "Hungry."

-I read this article. It includes the following paragraph:

"I'm not racist or anything," he said. "It's just, some people I hate, some people I don't get along with. And black people just happen to be the ones because they think they're better than everyone else."

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 3 Sep 2005 15:55:00 -0500

I appologize. I have been informed that the song in my last post was not, in fact, by Spacehog. It's actually by Steeler's Wheels. I guess the Spacehog version is a cover?

Yesterday I was at work and a lady came in asking for a man that works in our office. Lets call him "Gerald." So, I go to get Gerald. I'm walking quickly around the corner as somebody in Gerald's office is yelling "I said www.geraldp@bukake.com!" As I round the corner, I start smiling the kind of smile a twelve year old smiles when he sneaks into his first R-rated movie and I feel a joy that I have not felt in quite some time. Before I know it, I've rounded the corner and I'm staring Gerald in the face, smiling, and stuttering, "Um...Twila want to talk to you...up front." Gerald, to his credit, looked horrified. When he came to talk to Twila, It was all I could do to keep from laughing. I had a big goofy smile on my face the whole rest of the damn day.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 23:46:00 -0500

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

in my pants. What?!? HAHAHA

Elmo stole my bike. What?!?

--Meticulous Misery by Spacehog

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 20 Jul 2005 15:23:00 -0500

It's been a while folks, but i have good news. I've just completed work on my first cartoon short! It's called "Screaming Innocence" and it's featured by my good friends at fabrica!

here's the link

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 27 Jun 2005 09:40:00 -0500

Beck is a Scientologist?

In related news, Beck's mother has/had a friend named Vaginal Davis.

Read the article and find out for yourself!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 24 Jun 2005 10:19:00 -0500

Little known fact:

-Willow Drive used to be known as Toilet Street!

"hmm toilet street was always more catchy but i guess the guys are right....they'll always be toilet street to me *sniff*"

--tigerlilytori (from the Willow Drive website)

AMAZING and TRUE!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 23 Jun 2005 13:21:00 -0500

I found this blog and i thought it was kind of cool. Just neat is all.