Lets have a cocktail...

On the subject of bravery

2012-05-23T09:19:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, I picked MiniMac up from school with a soundtrack of a thunderstorm in the background. He told me it had rained on them on the playground earlier and he could now hear the noise outside. As we were making our way out of the school, I asked, "You know what that is, right?"

He answered, "Its not God watering His flower garden, Mom. Rain is actually caused by cloud formation and moisture in those clouds."

For the record, I have NEVER told him rain is God watering His flower garden. Thunder is God playing drums, yes, but never a mention of rain and a correlation to a flower garden.

When we got outside and heard the thunder, he informed me the thunder and lightening no longer bother him. "I am very brave, Mom." I concurrred.

Later that night, as electricity flickered in our house, a thunderstorm blew in. From his room, MiniMac called up to us. "I don't really care for the thunder!" he said earnestly.

"I think it will pass, baby." I replied.
"Really, Mom, it is VERY loud and bright down here!"
"If you close your eyes, you won't see it," John tells him.
"I can STILL HEAR IT Daddy!"
Good retort my little man.

"Mom, I am getting scared down here! Can one of you please come down!" A statement, not a question.
I respond, "One of us will certainly come down but you told me you were very brave today."

As our tiny son's voice starts quivering, he replies, "I was only brave then because I was wearing my Superman shirt."

John went down and laid in bed with MiniMac until he fell asleep, but it made me think about his statement. Imagine if bravery were as simple as merely putting on a Superman shirt. I don't know if it would work at our age, but not only is it worth an effort, it is representative of the sheer power of belief.

Some like it hot: Goat Cheese and Poblano Chile Guacamole AND Pomegranate Margaritas w/ Habanero Tequila

2012-05-19T09:17:00.000-04:00

Welcome to the weekend. Its currently 80 degrees in Atlanta and sultry. We like it hot. I have just returned from a four day work trip and need a dip in the pool, alone time with my husband and quite possibly, a cocktail. I am whipping up some delicious vittles today with some poolside time in mind. Today is the double yum presentation of Goat Cheese and Poblano Chile Guacamole and a little something to wet that whistle. How about a Pomegranate Margarita with a little Habanero infused Tequila? Yes please! From my kitchen to yours, let's get the party started. Have a gorgeous weekend.

Goat Cheese and Poblano Chili Guacamole

Ingredients
4 Avocados
1 tsp salt
juice from 1 lime
1 jalapeno pepper finely minced (keep seeds you love it with a little more kick.)
1 bunch cilantro chopped (approx 1 cup.)
1 plum tomato chopped
2 T goat cheese
Directions

Roast 1 poblano chili on a baking sheet on 450 for about 15 mins until skin starts to blacken and char. Remove, let cool fully and then peel off skin. Seed, de-stem, and dice finely.

Mash avocados and fold in other ingredients. Pour some delicious chips into a bowl ( I love Baked Tostito scoops and Xochitl. Dig in. Say yum.

Pomegranate Margarita with Habanero Tequila

Ingredients and Directions for for Habanero Tequila
2 c. silver tequila
2 habanero chilis washed, cut in half

Place ingredients in mason jar or glass bottle. Cover tightly and shake. Store in cool, dark place and shake daily. Taste each daily until flavor you desire is achieved (2-4 days is the rec for tequila.) Strain through a fine mesh strainer (or coffee filter) into another clean, airtight container. Store in fridge.

To make the margaritas:
1/2 c. habanero tequila
1/4 c. triple sec
1/4 c. fresh lime juice (about 2 limes)
1/2 c. pomegranate juice
1/2 c. simple syrup
4 tsp fresh pomegranate seeds for garnish
lime slices for garnish

Place ice in large pitcher. Add all ingredients except garnish. Stir. Strain into ice-filled glasses. Garnish with seeds and lime wedges. Enjoy several.

10 Comments for the parents who like to "coach" from the sidelines...

2012-05-02T10:00:00.000-04:00

MiniMac has joined his first official team. We are about 4 weeks into his first football season. Not to worry, it is only flag football at this point but yes, I must clarify since this is SEC country after all. A few thoughts on team sports: Not everyone is going to be #1 and I think schools are doing kids a significant disservice by neutralizing the fact that yes, some kids are going to be better at certain things. Instead, the idea is that ALL kids are #1. Wrong. The rest of their lives from academia to job promotion simply are not structured that way. Nor should they be. You should learn at a certain age the harder you work, the better you will be. But MiniMac is barely 5 right now. And it is not about winning at age 5. For now, our only request is that he pay attention and listen to the coach. Those two requests are handled well most of the time because he is pretty thrilled about playing football. Despite the fact I had to explain to him several time why this league is NOT tackling (even though, he clearly pointed out, that everyone on the University of Georgia and Atlanta Falcons teams tackle). It has been rather fantastic to watch him listen and process, and grow increasingly more interested in the sport. And he is pretty fast. But I have also recently been reminded the key to the speed is stay in your lane. There has been more than one unintentional crash because little kids run like bumblebees; sometimes in crazy nonsensical patterns.

I would like to say we were prepared for the other parents. Not the normal ones, the crazy ones. I would like to say the litany of articles and media coverage about parents going over the top would have served as adequate notification that I would be dismayed when it came to real life antics. But MiniMac is our only child, and well, we are still JV on certain things. So based on my own actual sequeway into team sports, I would like to share

10 Comments for the parents who like to "coach" from the sidelines:

1. Check the age of your child before you unleash him for his first team. I feel confident you know this age because it was a requirement to put your child on an age specific team. Therefore you know your son is between 4 and 6. Have you met a child between this age before? Of course because you HAVE a child this age. Is this not the same child who changes subjects 20 times in 5 minutes? Is this not the same child who will ask you in the middle of reading a story 'when are we going back to DisneyWorld?' or 'Will you make pancakes tomorrow' other assorted questions that have nothing to do with the story. The answer is yes. Oh believe me, I know more like repeating myself 8 times to a 5 year old than I like being stuck in an elevator but it comes with the territory. It is not in your child's wheelhouse to focus on this game with the precision of a NASA engineer. It is not combine day for the NFL. Act appropriate about your child's bandwidth.

2. Hey Dad who constantly yells at your son to "RUN FASTER" and "YOU CAN NOT RUN IF YOU DO NOT PUMP YOUR ARMS" . I am not sure your son knows how to react when the coach is telling them one thing on the field and you are shouting with all your might on the sidelines. I know most parents shout commentary from the sidelines. We do too. Our comments are more along the lines of "Nice hustle" and "Way to run the ball." Even when we see the need to say "focus" we don't yell it repeatedly. And certainly not to the extent my voice continues to go up in octaves. You know how I know you are overzealous? Because your face is turning bright red and sweat is spewing out of you and it is not from the sweet Georgia sun, honey. You also like to repeat these statements about every 20 seconds. Maybe you should take your child out in the backyard and have a race. I guarantee he will beat your arse from one side of fence to the other. Then perhaps he can yell at you every 20 seconds for an entire hour. PS: You sound like a donkey braying into a microphone.
PS: I get that some of you have realized your sons are not taking to the sport quickly. I am sure that is frustrating to watch someone do something they do not immediately excel in similar to what it would be like to watch you do a push up, learn to use an iPhone or well, parent your child.

3. Hey Dad who I have nicknamed "Coach Critic", I appreciate you want to stand on the sidelines and complain about how you "don't agree with what the coach is doing." You don't agree with what the coach is doing? He is teaching 4-6 year olds the basics of football. Do you want that job? Right. Some minutes it would be easier to ask a cat to sit for the bar exam. And guess what? It is not a hard task to ask the kids to run through cones. These are children that can operate an iPad with swift and deft ability. You don't like it because your son isn't really listening to the coach and therefore is hopping over the cones like Peter Cottontail. Calmly, ask your son to listen, you do it all the time at home.

4. Hey Dads who love to stand on the sidelines playing catch and talking about the "old days". Do you know what is odd? Is that you are throwing the ball as hard as you possibly can at one another. I am surprised you have not yet donned your jersey from high school. Youth Sports is not a euphemism for "Relive your partial glory days". My favorite day is when the Coach, who actually played ball at a big school, asked one of you to toss a ball onto the field and you treated that request like it was the "Test Your Strength and Win the Million Dollar Prize" throw. A throw the coach easily caught and then said, "Thanks for trying to show off." Note he did not say "Thanks for showing off" but rather "Thanks for trying to show off." Translation: You throw like a dandelion. I won't even say you throw like a girl because I am a girl, I have a Father who coached football growing up and well, I can throw a better spiral than you but you don't see my on the sidelines doing high knees and yelling HUT HUT for the fun of it.

5. Hey Mom who marched on the field and told your son if he dropped the ball again you would "pop him in the mouth." WOW is all I can say to you. To your kid I say: Maybe you can live with your grandparents. PS: You can easily outrun your Mom if needed.

6. To the Dad with the worst behaved kid on the field: Do you think it is the coach's job to tell your son to stop hitting, spitting or kicking other kids? Answer: NO. Your answer: WHY OF COURSE. Which is why you literally stand there for an hour when your son acts like a jackass and you do nothing about it. I love that the coach told your son on Sunday that if he did it again, he was sent out of the park. Not off the field, not to time out, out of the park as in "get in your car and scram." Oh, and even more interesting is you will yell at your son for not drinking water during the water break but you won't say a word to him when he spits in another child's face unprovoked. You have parenting down pat.

7. To the grandparents who brought their tiny grandson to practice one day, with 4 of your friends in tow, you are awesome. And I was delighted to watch how delighted you were when you learned your grandson's nickname on the field is "Sweet Feet". That kid has skills and you all were in heaven watching him dart around. And you cheering " Goooo Sweeeet Feeet" was almost as loud and likely more fun than a Georgia game which is really saying something. PS: You made up for the above mentioned.

8. To the woman who told me she couldn't believe that "Little X has two Moms and I don't know what I think about that or if I am really comfortable with it...." in reference to one of the players and his lesbian mothers, well, all I can say is Thank God they didn't conceive you so you don't need to worry about it. The football field is not the location to share your social beliefs on same-sex child-rearing. Especially with me. Oh, is that what people do when they don't understand the sport and yet have to yap about something? Zip it. Good to know you are not teaching your son about football, teamwork or sportsmanship but rather ignorance, intolerance and prejudice.

9. To my favorite Dad, the one who witnessed your child get hit from behind, knocked down and hurt. I was unaware the way to make a child stop crying was to yell approximately 6 inches from your child's face. Wait, did you just call your son a wussy? Oh my, you did. And you meant it. This is a sensitive issue for you. I feel certain your son is not a wussy for getting knocked down from behind and doing a face plant in the dirt. He is only 5 and not Stone Cold Steve Austin. Wussy? Really? I hope he tells your wife. And his grandparents. And we all know that wussy is the less abrasive version of the word P____. So you basically called your son a P____? WOW. That might be the worst thing I have seen to date. And unfortunately, it won't be the last. Welcome to team sports, also known as 'Time filled with delight watching your child while simultaneously being around a few people you don't like at all."
PS: Is it not odd you would basically call your son a P_______? I find it interesting men use this word on another to imply weakness, impairment or frailty. Doesn't this word in fact represent your favorite thing on earth? So in your own weird way when you call a male a P______ you are really saying I WORSHIP YOU or I THINK OF YOU APPROXIMATELY 6000 TIMES PER DAY!!!! Wow, so not only are you an A-hole, but a rather poor communicator as well.
PSS: I think men who don't know how to conduct common interaction with their sons so they resort to caveman tactic of pushing, punching in the arm, and basically calling them a P_____ in some archaic stream of thinking it will 'toughen' them up are not ideal role models. And by "not ideal role models" I specifically mean d-bags.

10. Best piece of advice on read on being a parent of a young person playing sports: At the conclusion of every practice or game, tell them first how much you like watching them play. Don't launch in with your long list of critiques or how you would have handled it differently 25 years ago when you played. It can wait until you get off the field. The first statement should be: I really enjoy watching you play. Amen.

Oh So Happy Hour!

2012-04-27T17:43:00.001-04:00

It has been a long couple of weeks....many great things happening but I flew almost 5000 miles in 24 hours. In a middle seat. With no cocktails. But this weekend is going to be fabulous and I am kicking it off with a little elixir so delicious I have to share. Take a sip of this and you too will make it your new summer cocktail.

Moscow Mule:

1 oz vodka
1 oz fresh lime juice
over ice in a rocks glass
Topped with ginger beer
Stir. Sip. Sip again.

For those unfamiliar with Ginger Beer, it is not the same as Ginger Ale and it is not the Ginger Beer of yesteryear that actually contained alcohol. Ginger Beer commercially produced in the US does not contain alcohol. This drink will be just as delicious without vodka for my non-drinking compadres.

Have a fantastic weekend and lets enjoy this OH SO HAPPY hour.
Cheers.

Take A Bite Of: Ricotta Waffles

2012-04-15T10:30:00.001-04:00

Favorite meal of day: breakfast. I usually eat one of three meals: Cottage cheese and oatmeal, Greek yogurt and fruit, or protein shakes. But I love making fabulous breakfast meals and the request du jour was waffles. I use a fabulous recipe for Ricotta Waffles borrowed from my new friend Giada de Laurentiis (more on that story to come.) If you are looking for an easy and delicious option for you and those you love this morning, you will love this recipe. This makes about 6 large waffles. You can easily cut the recipe in half. From my kitchen to yours, enjoy every bite.

Ricotta Waffles

Ingredients

2 cups water
1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup honey
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 cups pancake and waffle mix (recommended: Krusteaz)
1 cup whole milk ricotta cheese
2/3 cup frozen blueberries
Melted butter

Directions

Stir 1/3 cup of water and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat until the sugar dissolves, about 5 minutes. Stir in the honey. Set aside and keep the honey syrup warm.

Using a rubber spatula, stir the remaining 1 2/3 cups of water and vanilla in a large bowl. Add the pancake mix and stir just until moistened but still lumpy. Stir in the ricotta into the pancake mixture, then stir gently to incorporate the ricotta but maintain a lumpy batter. Fold in the blueberries.
Heat a griddle over medium heat. Brush with the melted butter. Working in batches, spoon 1/4 cup of batter onto the griddle for each pancake. Cook until golden brown, about 3 minutes per side. Serve with the honey syrup. (And if you have a selective 5 year old, think twice about putting the strawberries on the plate. He let me know he "does not prefer strawberries on his waffle plate." Hilarious.

You can also add a little orange or lemon zest to give it a fruity, floral taste which pairs perfectly with the honey syrup.

We do NOT discuss feminine products...

2012-04-13T09:40:00.001-04:00

I was recently reminded of this story I have shared before. I could have lived without the reminder but since it is Friday, and we like to laugh at others, here is your invitation to scoff at me.

When I was a youngster, I was a bit of a late bloomer. And by "bit" I certainly mean I was the last one in the door to puberty. In 7th grade, I finally became a woman, or in reality, an already hormonal girl suddenly with a reason to buy feminine products.

My older brother had a friend for whom I had a mad, mad crush. I would always ask my brother about him. And this friend was at our house frequently so I made myself very present during these visits as only annoying younger sisters can do. He wore the levi jacket with the big puffy faux sheep's wool lining that I thought was super cool. He also had the pencil thin mustache circa 1983. WOW, I set my bar VERY high, didn't I?

One afternoon that summer found me, my brother, and a mixed bag of our friends all lounging about the pool. The cacophony of 12 and 13 year old girls talking about C.Thomas Howell and Adam Ant songs only worsened by the rude commentary and fart jokes of teenage boys.

But my big crush was there. And at one point, he said to me, "I like your swimsuit."

This old thing? I can't believe he noticed me, after all, parading in front of him on the upside of 200 times. I showed my grace and poise by opting NOT to smile and politely say thank you in a cool and demure way but rather jumping up and down and exclaiming OHMYGOD-YOUDO?!?!?! in a squealy, breathy, giggly rush.

I sat down in a chair near him and started chatting with him about my brother's Van Halen album of which I had committed all lyrics to memory and thought this trivia would be impressive in an cool, older boy kind of way. He was very kind to me and his bemused look I mistook for a fraction of interest.

Until he leaned over and in a low voice said, "You have something hanging out of your suit."

Me, ever quick on her feet, rather than excusing myself like a lady, I asked the single most foolish question available at that exact moment: Really? What?

He, being so much older and mature, merely answered: I think it might be your tampon string.

Wait, did he just say tampon string? Did he actually use the word tampon in front of me? Does he not know we do NOT discuss feminine products? That is why they are called "feminine products" so it makes it sound like you are talking about perfume, or rainbows, or sparkles.

Oh nevermind my scrawny body, a size zero at the time, so the tampon string likely looked like one of my pale skinny legs. I know he was trying to be helpful hence my brother find this out and I be mocked into ruination. I rose immediately giving off a crimson hue of hideous embarrassment. And then I sprinted away like a scalded dog.

My tampon string. The mere discussion of it serving as a verbal version of him spraying teenage girl repellent all over himself. Had he known that one simple sentence would be the catalyst to me avoiding him like the plague for a minimum of one year, he might have used it sooner.

Take A Bite Of: Breakfast Bread Pudding

2012-04-08T08:33:00.000-04:00

If you are celebrating today, Happy Easter. We have four egg hunts down, and giant baskets/boxes of treats and love from MiniMac's Grandma and Grammy to enjoy. Gorgeous weather to boot! Of course, we continue the message to our child Easter is not about the eggs and bunnies. We are blessed and lucky in so many ways and today is another day to remember this.

We have very little on the schedule today except the gym, The Masters and family over later. So as we sip coffee and tea this am and tuck in for a peaceful morning, I am making something decadent. Breakfast Bread Pudding? Oui!

This recipe is from Barefoot Contessa who can make any meal into something special. Have a gorgeous Sunday. From my kitchen to yours, enjoy every bite.

Breakfast Bread Pudding

Ingredients

5 extra-large whole eggs
2 extra-large egg yolks
2 1/2 cups half-and-half
1/3 cup honey
1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
2 teaspoons orange zest (2 oranges)
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
Brioche loaf
1/2 cup golden raisins (optional. I exclude.)
Maple syrup to serve

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the whole eggs, egg yolks, half-and-half, honey, vanilla, orange zest, and salt. Set aside.

Slice the brioche loaf into 6 (1-inch) thick pieces. Lay half brioche slices flat in a 9 by 14 by 2-inch oval baking dish. If including raisins, spread on top of the brioche slices, and place the remaining slices on top. Make sure that the raisins are between the layers of brioche or they will burn while baking. Pour the egg mixture over the bread and allow to soak for 15 minutes, pressing down gently.

Bake for 55 to 60 minutes or until the pudding puffs up and the custard is set. Remove from the oven and cool slightly before serving.

Grip and stroke

2012-04-03T06:58:00.000-04:00

It is going to be a gorgeous day in Georgia. Shall I work? No. Shall I clean the house? No. Shall I don my sundress, sunhat, and accompany my husband on a car ride? Yes. We are taking the day off after a rather hectic quarter end and going to spend the day lolling around the greens at Augusta National Golf Club watching this:

For you golf aficianodos, you know this is one of the four majors and the only time of year I am allowed to step foot in the place. Those old Southern gentlemen running the place certainly like their rules. No cell phones allowed on property. Period. And pimiento cheese sandwiches by the truckload. But it is going to be amazing. And getting tickets, well, it would be easier to plan to see a unicorn. As luck would have it, we are in.

Have a gorgeous day! I know we will.

Things you should not do:

2012-03-30T09:59:00.005-04:00

Eat a cupcake over your keyboard. Cupcake doesn't mean "tiny cake". It means "a billion crumbs waiting to explode." Don't believe me, try this: Clean your kitchen floor to a sparkling hue. Clean your kitchen table as if your life depended on it. Seat a child at the table. Give that child a cupcake. This would have been a good lesson before eating a cupcake over my keyboard.

Get on a conference call with about 30 other people, forget to mute your phone and talk about how your wife is a pain in the ass. Oh no, its not because I don't believe you. I am a wife. I guarantee we can all be a pain in the ass at times. But phones don't work like a Darth Vader voice synthesizer. Someone on the phone surely knows who are you are and well, it just seems like a rookie mistake. Oh, I am not throwing stones. You know why? I did this once on a con call I was leading, failed to press mute when a colleague asked me if so and so was on the call, and referred to this jackass we worked with by his nickname which sounded very similar to his last name, both of them very similar to a slang word for a naughty act.

Don't talk on your phone in the bathroom stall when you have to hold it between your ear and your shoulder so you can pull your pantalones back on. Or, if you insist on chatting away while going to the bathroom, better hold that baby in a Lou Ferrigno style vice grip between your shoulder and ear. Otherwise, you will be faced with a fork in the road, neither tine you want to take: Either leave your phone in the bottom of the toilet full of recycled water OR fish the phone out of the toilet full of recycled water. Sorry lady in the black coat in the airport bathroom I did not tell you this before yesterday.

Don't say "OH MY" very loudly when running on the treadmill at the gym and you discover the man next to you is dropping bombs and I don't mean the hydrogen kind. Oh, maybe you come from a family like mine with a few people who think things that come out of orifices are HILARIOUS. Guess what? NOT hilarious. Especially at 6 am when I had a few extra sips of vino the night before. OR you do say OH MY and try to subtly fan your face because REALLY guy, do you HAVE to do that? Egads! Go distance yourself from where many other people are working out and therefore breathing heavy. PS: My lungs are still pissed at you!

Don't laugh OUT LOUD when in an elevator and someone clearly makes a noisy sound, also from their downstairs region, and your tiny son says out loud, "You are supposed to say excuse me when you toot." Or do laugh out loud because that actually IS hilarious.

Don't make fun of a picture someone posts of themselves from the 80s, even though they looked like a cross between Madonna and Punky Brewster and not in good ways. Why should you not do this? Go look at your pics from the 80s, Cyndi Lauper. Yes, your hair looked awesome too. Especially really short on one side and long on the other. And that hair went well with your cut off sweat pants with your last name ironed on down the side in puffy velour letters.

Don't take your shoes off on the plane and then put your feet fully extended on the arm rest of the seat in front of you. Yes, I saw this happen. This is ill.

Don't close an email to a work colleage with the word "HOLLA". I should not even have to type that!

Don't use "US Weekly" as a resource you quote from. Better yet, don't tell people you read that. That is like saying Perez Hilton is your life coach.

Don't make fun of people who watch The Bachelor when you watch Celebrity Apprentice (this note is to me. Seriously, I only watch that show because I love the tasks!!!!!)

Don't lie to your son when he asks you what you are drinking (Bloody Mary) and tell him its "Green Bean Juice" so he wont want anything to do with it. He is smart. He will ask you why it is not green. Hope you have your thinking cap on Smarty Pants.

Dont go to a fancy fete with a price tag still adhered to one of your garments. ( I did this.)

Dont forget to say this on Saturday :ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK. My team is in the Final Four. Cheers and have a fabulous weekend.

The Boomerang of Goodness

2012-03-27T10:09:00.000-04:00

My good friend Kristy received a package last week from an unknown address. Inside the package were two items. One item was this note:

The other item, of course, her wallet with all of her ID, credit cards, and remaining cash.

This is awesome for a number of reasons:

People are good.
Good people attract good people.
You have just been provided a reason to do something awesome for someone else today. It doesn't even have to be a stranger.

The fact is, we are provided opportunity to help others countless times throughout the week. It is our choice whether we recognize or ignore these opportunities. And we don't have to commit these selfless acts so we can tell others. Simply knowing you did it is all the acknowledgement you need.

Get out there and spread the goodness. Its like a boomerang and you never know how it will come back and help you.

Why it is not a good idea to get wasted at the wedding....

2012-03-23T09:46:00.002-04:00

A girlfriend recently went to a wedding. A lovely, traditional, expensive wedding. At the wedding, the brides grandparents stumbled across the groomsmen getting high on a secluded balcony. First, I love that the grandparents were perhaps seeking out a secluded balcony but better yet, hey groomsmen, you are idiots. NOT a good idea to light it up at your friends wedding when instead of wearing camouflage and blending in you are wearing TUXEDOS so everyone knows you have a special role. And have you smelled pot? It doesn't smell like wedding cake or floral arrangements. Why not burn popcorn in the microwave while you are at it which is another smell everyone can identify immediately.

But it also reminded me of one of my favorite wedding stories:

While in grad school, a friend of mine, S., invited me to a wedding. I love weddings but primarily the weddings of people I know so I proffered up many excuses why I could not go. He promised it would be fun. And he didn’t want to go alone. Need I be the one to remind him that when you are in the wedding party you barely get to talk to anyone because you are busy. But he was a good friend so I agreed to go. Then he told me who the groom was. A friend of his from childhood I had met once during a basketball game. This man was crazy. And not Dukes of Hazzard crazy either. More like Deliverance crazy. Too late to say no, I asked myself how bad could it be.

Here is a tip: Never, ever ask yourself this question if unprepared for the answer.

At the wedding, the wedding party looked wonderful. I was a bit surprised that the entire ceremony lasted 8 minutes. And that included flower girls walking down the aisle.

At the reception, I am invited to sit at one of the head tables since my friend is in the wedding party. No thank you. I mean, of course. At the large round ten top, I am directly across from the groom. He seems dipped in gin. He tells a highly off color joke. I had also seen him slap his wife right on the arse earlier. I begin referring to him as not as The Groom and instead as The Doom.

S. goes to the bar and out of the blue, The Doom he asks me why I won’t date S. I don't believe he is really directing that question towards me but sure enough. I reply that we are just friends. He, with a pretty heavy scowl, continues to probe. He says S. is like a brother to him. Do I think I am too good for S.? He only wants S. to be happy. I think to myself, do you? Start with shutting the ____ up. That will make S. happy, or since S. is not here, it will make me very, very happy. I seek out S. but, curses, S. is still at the bar. Now The Doom has the attention of all at the table. His scary bride nods in agreement.

The Doom is like a backwoods version of Johnny Cochran peppering me with questions. S. and I had been friends for years. We did not date or want to date. But I don’t share my responses with The Doom or the entire table. Instead, I save my responses in my inner monologue. S. finally returns and listens to The Doom for one minute before redirecting the conversation.

For about 20 reasons, I want to leave and The Doom is just one of them. We have a few cocktails and soon it is time for toasts. The best man rises to give his toast of run for your life lady to the bride of good luck and future blessings to the happy couple. Since I am also sitting in front, I can see all of the family members including elderly grandparents and aunts and uncles. As the best man takes the microphone, The Doom hops up and grabs it out of his hand. And by 'grabs" I mean kind of wrestles it away while teetering and kind of bumping into him. I am pretty sure I saw a dry hump in there too. I believe The Doom should not be near the candles as his amount of consumption has made him both toxic and flammable.

Into the microphone he says this in a slurry, spitty, bellowy fashion: It's my weddin’ day and I am going to get DRUNK and I am going to get LAID.

He is on a MICROPHONE in front a very captive audience.

What did I wish for? A video to capture this priceless moment and the bride’s face? No. I wished for paramedics to keep the bride’s grandmother from having a heart attack on the spot.

Once again a reminder, the grandparents do not like shenanigans!

S. turned to me and said, “You can leave anytime you want.”
Except I couldn’t hear him over the firing up of my ignition and gravel spinning under my tires.

I have yet to attend such a "colorful" wedding as this. I am so lucky. Why is it not a good idea to get wasted at the wedding? Because someone there is NOT wasted and will remember your every foolish endeavor. And since most people have technological wizardry at their fingertips, your foolish endeavors can be permanently memorialized. Had there been video capability on phones back at the wedding of The Doom, I am sure it would be on YouTube under "Dbag gives worst wedding toast. EVER."

Oh behave!

Indiana University: Not only good at basketball (this is about sex, so read it.)

2012-03-20T10:25:00.001-04:00

Well, well, well, for those of you fond of college sports, you know Indiana University has a long-standing history of being a great collegiate athletics program. And congratulations to them for making it into the Sweet 16 (along with my Kansas Jayhawks.) But what you didnt know is that Indiana University is not only good at basketball. An article today in Forbes revealed some very scintillating details. Ladies, you will like it. Men, you will like it. (If you are my Father or brothers, feel free to skip out now and see you back here in a few days.)

Here is the headline:

Here's an incentive to exercise: Women report experiencing orgasms in the gym

(Study shows orgasm 'is not necessarily a sexual event')

Although the phenomenon was first reported in 1953, 'little is known about exercise-induced orgasms,' according to scientists from Indiana University. To fill in the gap researcher Debby Herbenick and her team surveyed hundreds of women aged from 18 to 63 who said they had experienced exercise-induced orgasm or sexual pleasure. Herbenick said that the mechanisms behind exercise-induced orgasm and exercise-induced sexual pleasure remain unclear and, in future research, they hope to learn more about triggers for both.
So, you know exercise is good for you already. But this potential added twist? Very interesting. I can say this has never happened to me and I hope it never does. Making your O face at the gym only happens in certain movies (a friend told me.) However, I am intrigued. And I appreciate the dedicated researchers at Indiana University will spend more time on this in the future.

The study, published in the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy, did not determine how common it is for women to experience exercise-induced orgasm or exercise-induced sexual pleasure.
However, the authors noted that it took only five weeks to recruit the 370 women who experienced the phenomenon, suggesting it is not rare.

I am quite certain you would have NO trouble gathering volunteers. And a resource told me IU is one of the leading institutes on sex, gender and reproduction so big applause for that as well. And IU, if you want to do more research on orgasm that will procure details and data and could one day lead to them being as readily accessible as shamrocks in Ireland, well, I think we would all be interested in learning more.

Now, try not to think about this at work all day. You are welcome.

Your pants are on fire.

2012-03-16T16:17:00.000-04:00

Many years ago, pre JohnnyMac, I was driving in town when my cell phone rang. I picked it up, viewed the identity of the caller, and opted not to answer the phone. That night, that caller, a gentleman I was fraternizing with, let me know he had tried to call me earlier that day. I said I was sorry I missed his call but I was in a meeting at the time.

"Or, " he replied, "I was driving in Buckhead, directly behind you and saw you pick up the phone and put it down."

WOW. There is not a readily available list of retorts to that. Oh, except, that is what you get liar, liar, pants on fire.

This story recently came to mind when I saw this hilarious post on Facebook:

I have seen dozens of autocorrect postings but this one made me laugh out loud. That is what you get liar, liar, pants on fire. Sometimes it feels good to laugh at clear and obvious fails. Thankfully, my beforementioned situation can never be captured via video or phone and later posted on Facebook.

Its 80 degrees in Atlanta and we have a fun weekend planned. I hope you do too. Happy St. Pats and don't tell lies to anyone.

BFF

2012-03-13T10:03:00.004-04:00

After my post last Monday where I sassed all over the place, I forgot to add one thing: Also on that list should be the brain trust who decided to make Hangover III. Now, I love a solid reflection on how the world would not be as fun or interesting if it weren't for some of the people who do things you would never do. But my friend and fellow blogger Vanilla commented how easy it is to live 'annoyed' and I get his message. We must laugh in the face of absurdity, try to fight injustice, but also be aware that if we are clacking away on our laptops, drinking fresh water, have a friend to talk to, have someone to love or can freely spend an evening watching cable television, we have it better than a majority of the world. So in my perusal of newspapers, I also saw this:

Cute family, yes? This is Julie Jones. And five beautiful kids. Kids who look not only beautiful but happy. And these kids are not Julie's. The Atkins kids lost their father two years ago and then lost their mother to cancer six months later. So Julie Jones, already a mother of three grown boys, opted to raise her best friends children. So first and foremost, no child should lose their parent. I am 40 and can't fathom what that day will be like when my parents are no longer alive. These kids ranged in age from 4 - 10 when their parents died. But the bigger picture is to see a picture of a happy family and the realization that all families are not made the same way. And this group found a way to move it forward. As a Mom, it hits me in all the right places the power and benevolence of people.

And our general happiness is very contingent upon who is central in our lives. So you already know your 2012 mantra should be "No Toxic People" and we all seem to know one or two. And another mantra should be to be as great of a friend as you can be. Maybe you wouldnt need your best friend to raise your child should there be a tragedy but it made me think not only as a Mom but because I am the best friend to a fabulous woman.

MarciaGarcia and I met in law school. We were a tight knit group of eight and operated inseparably during that very academic, very challenging and very fun investment of time and focus. And our friendship has changed and grown from nights were were drinking dollar pitchers of Keystone (don't mock) and dancing to 80s music (you know you love to do this) to raising children. Our philosophies on life compliment one another but doesn't always work in perfect synchronicity. We agree on certain things, we support one anothe regardless and we operate under a very open and honest way of communicating. And I am so lucky to not only have that type of friendship but recognize it. And when we were sipping Keystone Light out of pitchers (way to go, classy time) and bellowing out the lyrics to Electric Avenue, we could not have predicted the adventures ahead. Adventures that include amazing elements of fun (NYC Fashion Week) and life challenges that force you to grow. I admire her so much as a leader, a friend and a Mom at the same time that wise, witty, sarcastic friend I have had for 17 years. And if my son had to go and be raised by my best friend, I know he would be cherished and loved the same way we cherish and love him now. I know he would learn so much and have every opportunity to grow up to be an amazing man.

As we get older, it is very easy to make surface level friends. These are the equivalent to the "friend" in class you never talked to after the semester was over, or your post-college cocktail pals from work. Developing real friendships takes work but we all know some friendships are just much easier, more fun and more worthwhile than others. And I love to have a friend who can see me at best and worst, stood in my wedding, was there the day my son was born, is his Godmother and loves our child, cheers me on to run a half marathon, applauds me when I sing karaoke, reads my blog daily, shares ideas, shares recipes, shares fears, tears it up in New York, tears it up in Vegas (my word that trip was crazy fun), stay home and make a family dinner for our kids, shares advice, shares critique when needed, disagrees when needed, guides and responds. The deepest friendships are truly rare. I have learned so much from you MG and know that statement will ring true for decades to come.

I hope you have amazing friendships in your life and that the people you love know exactly how you feel about them.

From Chicago, enjoy your week.

JennyMac

Suck it up

2012-03-08T08:31:00.004-05:00

Yesterday at the airport, I was sitting in the Sky Club reading email and applying one of my new favorite products:

Quick sidebar: Do you know this new tinted lip balm from Burt's Bees? I love the long lasting lipsticks. However, I do think we are getting carried away with 24 hour lipstick, because really? Some of that is harder to remove than superglue. However, this lip balm is awesome, smooth AND has color. Perfection. I was not as familiar with their products until MiniMac was born and we received some of their amazing baby products. But recently, a friend gave me a care package FULL of all sorts of Burt's Bees goodness. I am loving their Radiance body lotion with a little hint of sparkling reflection (think pretty sunlight when I say that, not Britney Spears covered in glitter.) If you thought Burt's Bees only covered babies, revisit. No, I am not being endorsed. Just like I raved about the Cuisinart Immersion Blender which is a must have, I like sharing great product info.

NOW, back to my story. I love, love, love conversations I hear at the airport. I am sure they would be entertaining in many other venues but since I spend a lot of time in the airport these days, this is the source. A handsome elderly couple was seated next to me. I guess their ages to be late 70s to early 80s but oh how they are spry! She is concerned about the length of the flight. He explains the flight to NYC is only 2 hours. She responds she is concerned for their flight to Australia, not New York.

He picks up her hand, kisses it and says, Babe (yes, he called her babe in such a sweet, young Robert Redford kind of way.) But he says, in a kind but stern voice, "Babe, I am taking you to Australia for one month because that was your dream. (slight pause) As for the long flight, suck it up."

And she laughed and smiled at him.

Me: You two are awesome!

Him (to us both): Sometimes you just have to suck it up.

I asked him how long they have been married: 62 years. WOW. I loved this charming elderly couple, still in love, still kissing hands, still traveling, still making jokes, and still being real. Yes, sometimes you just have to suck it up. Thanks for the perspective, Mr.

Stop: Hammer Time

2012-03-05T08:33:00.002-05:00

I read an article yesterday that a woman in South Wales received a fine for littering when a thread from her glove fell onto the sidewalk. Oh no, you read that correctly. A thread from her glove fell on the sidewalk unbeknownst to her and in turn she received a fine of 75 pounds. She asked if the surly officer meant to take that much money off a pensioner, and he told her to take it to court. Well, this is almost too crazy to be true...except it is true. So you take your littering quite serious, don't you sir? And while I certainly don't think you should pick on a sweet elderly bird, I think your demanding nature, high standards and strict level of detail could prove beneficial. Therefore I am quite certain I need to invite you, and all your surly bastard persona, to the United States to do some serious OVERHAUL on the sea of idiots committing the following (and I must say far more serious) violations:

For example:

People who are still yapping away on their cellphone while driving. Hands-free, ding-dongs, hands-free. I am sure you can buy a headset for about $1 on eBay.

People who respond to email in a terse or sarcastic fashion demanding answers that are written in the VERY email they obviously didn't read.

People on who confuse "dance floor" with "an area to dry hump one another like feral animals with musical accompaniment".

People who get a charge out of being rude to the waitstaff.

People who say they are vegetarian while eating scrambled eggs.

Women who refer to themselves as "cougars."

People at the gym who pour sweat on the machines but are clearly TOO exhausted to wipe it down when they are done.

Girls who still insist on displaying their thong underwear outside of their pants.

Men over the age of 21 who refer to other men as "Bra".

People who like to debate facts of which they have not a clue what they are talking about. If you find yourself up against this person, and we all do, I have three words for you: University of Google. Look it up on your smartphone mid-argument and show it them. Try not to laugh when you do it.

People who leave hideous "anonymous" comments all over YouTube video posts. Even video posts of like sweet little church choirs. Really?

People who start sentences with "Don't tell anyone I told you this" not because they are gossiping but because they really don't think you KNOW they have multiple other conversations with other people that started the same way.

People who disregard the "No Cell Phone Use" signs in the Doctor office or Court.

People who air very personal (and never positive) information on Facebook. Let's all look at it this way: Facebook is a bulletin board NOT a personal diary.

People who claim they "never eat processed food" as they are eating non-organic, non hand-crafted store bought crackers. Is there a Keebler Elf in your kitchen making that for you? Another great scenario for University of Google. My suggestion of a search: Is it processed food when it contains 30 ingredients and I didn't make it in my kitchen with a trusty Keebler Elf by my side.

Our neighbor who bought a muscle car with some kind of exhaust system on it so you can hear it from 5 miles away like Huggy Bear or Starsky and Hutch. I empathize with your mid-life crisis but where in the ______ are you going every day at 3 or 4 in the morning??? And don't you have a job? You come and go about 20 times per day.

People who don't tip the bartender.

People who use the word "retard" to mean any thing other than to hinder or impede.

People who use the word "gay" to mean any thing other than merry or lively.

Whew, that was unfortunately all too easy. I know none of you do this so hopefully you have an entire week that is idiot-free.

Take A Bite Of: Momcatt's Banana Bread

2012-03-04T15:26:00.000-05:00

Since I fattened you up last week with the trifecta o' goodness in the form of chocolate + cake + alcohol, I am counterbalancing that today. This is my Mom's recipe and it is incredible. Ironically, I love bananas and do not like anything flavored with bananas. Banana Pudding? No. Banana Bread Pudding? No thank you. Bananas Foster? I'll pass. Banana Cream Pie? The only thing worse than pie crust is pie crust full of creamed bananas.

BUT, I am changing my tune today. MiniMac helped me make this fantastic recipe I got from my Mom. And now I want to share it with you. Its 50 degrees here, which is rather on the chilly side to us Georgia Peaches, so why not stay in the house baking? There is no better option for this afternoon. Now, I modified this ever so slightly. And I have just eaten two pieces so clearly, I have come around on the bananas + other foods equation.

And it can't be all recipes my friends, the regularly scheduled blog posts return this week.

From my kitchen (and my Mom's) to yours, enjoy every bite.

Momcatt's Banana Bread
Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened
2 eggs
1-1/2 cup mashed ripe bananas (3-4 medium)
1/3 cup sour cream
1-2/3 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)
*I added 1 tsp of cinnamon, 1 tsp of ginger and 1 tsp of cardamom.)

Directions:
Heat oven 350
Grease bottom only of loaf pan (she uses parchment paper and I use silicone loaf pans.)
Cream sugar and butter
Stir in eggs until blended. (I use room temp eggs also.)
Add bananas and sour cream; beat 30 seconds
Stir in remaining ingredients except nuts just until moistened. Stir in nuts. (This is optional and I shall never place a nut in a baked good so I skipped this.)
Pour into pan
Bake until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. (9" loaf pan 55-60 minutes. 8 " pan about 1-1/4 hour)
Cool 5 minutes, loosen sides of loaf from pan
Remove from pan. and cool completely before slicing.

Take A Bite Of: Chocolate Guinness Cupcakes

2012-02-26T08:31:00.001-05:00

Oh, its been a week since I posted. Lets not talk about work but instead, lets talk about some chocolate sensation for your mouth.

Since St. Pats is just around the corner, I know you need a little Irish Magic. And if you are going to make delicious chocolate cupcakes, you might as well make the BEST delicious chocolate cupcakes. And if you need a little treat to take to the St. Patty's Day party, let these be your honored guest.

A friend recently asked how I learned to cook & bake. Practice. I have come a long way since I burned french toast so badly there remained a charred outline of bread in the pan. Or when I served a boy dinner comprised of kool aid and popcorn ( I was young and I think in retrospect he was there for teenage make out party and NOT coq au vin). My very first "real" dinner was for a guy in grad school. I remember clearly ruminating over the recipe with my gal pals ShaNaNa and MarciaGarcia as we sipped cocktails one afternoon. Making dinner for someone seemed like such a big step. I made a cracked pepper linguine. And it was, in a word, inedible. I didnt know you do NOT substitute one tablespoon of cracked pepper for ground pepper. He was a good sport and tried not to gag when he worked over that first bite. At least I had bread to serve, until I caught it on fire putting it too close to the broiler. Lesson learned, and how. I didnt get serious about cooking until years later. And now, I love it, am much better, and more creative. All you need is a little time, great recipes or creativity, and the willingness to be able to dump something in the garbage if it just doesn't work out.

Now, lets get back to the chocolatey goodness. From my kitchen to yours, enjoy every bite.

Chocolate Guinness Cupcakes

Ingredients:
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa, plus more for dusting finished cupcakes
2 cups sugar
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
Pinch fine salt
1 12 oz bottle Guinness
1 stick butter, melted
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
3 large eggs
3/4 cup sour cream

Frosting:
1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened at room temperature
3/4 to 1 cup heavy cream
1 (1-pound) box confectioners' sugar

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the cocoa, sugar, flour, baking soda, and salt.
In another medium mixing bowl, combine the stout, melted butter, and vanilla. Beat in eggs, 1 at time. Mix in sour cream until thoroughly combined and smooth. Gradually mix the dry ingredients into the wet mixture.

Lightly grease or use paper liners in 24 muffin tins. Divide the batter equally between muffin tins, filling each 3/4 full. Bake for about 12 minutes and then rotate the pans. Bake another 12 to 13 minutes until risen, nicely domed, and set in the middle but still soft and tender. Cool before turning out.

To make the icing:
In a medium bowl with a hand mixer, beat the cream cheese on medium speed until light and fluffy. Gradually beat in the heavy cream. On low speed, slowly mix in the confectioners' sugar until incorporated and smooth. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to use. Icing can be made several hours ahead and kept covered and chilled.

Top each cupcake with a heap of frosting and dust with cocoa. You can also use non-flavored green food coloring to make the icing green. Now, go pinch someone.

Take A Bite Of: The easiest and best salad you will ever eat

2012-02-18T10:08:00.002-05:00

While I earnestly ply you with all kinds of delicious and decadent baked goods, I am an avid healthy eater the majority of the time. My go to salad is one of the easiest (and best) salads you can make. I eat this or some variation at least 3x a week. I also make all my own vinaigrettes which are also super easy and super healthy. From my kitchen to yours, enjoy every bite.

Spinach and Butter Lettuce Salad with Champagne Vinaigrette:

2 - 3 cups baby spinach leaves
1 cup butter lettuce torn
1/4 cup dried cranberries
sprinkle of goat cheese
pistachios or crushed almonds

Lately I have been using the Blue Diamond spicy almonds, placed first in a sandwich bag and crushed with a back of a spoon. This salad combines a little creamy from the goat cheese, with a sweet from the cranberries and a popping crunch from the nuts. Add an easy vinaigrette and you have a great lunch.

Champagne Vinaigrette (with no olive oil)
2 - 3 T honey mustard
1-2 T champagne vinegar*
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 shake of dried oregano

Place all ingredients in bowl and whisk. Added bonus: It takes less than 2 minutes to make this dressing.

You can easily use different types of mustard, flavored vinegars like red wine, white wine, balsamic, and I have also used lemon juice, lime juice, orange juice, mango juice (in small quantities) to flavor. When I want a little olive oil, I use an amazing blood orange or raspberry olive oil for another layer of flavor. And when I want to add a kick, I use the adobo sauce in the can of chipotle peppers. Enjoy and Happy Saturday.

Also, because I just love to pimp Costco, you can buy organic baby spinach and butter lettuce in a completely manageable size for about $5 per carton.

One more PSA re: Air Travel

2012-02-10T10:03:00.000-05:00

When you board the plane and there is no space for your bag in the overhead compartment, you should definitely just stand there and spend 10 minutes trying to jam it in the overhead anyway with no regard for all the other bags already in there. Nope, shove away! It is awesome for the people behind you trying to board and it is awesome to watch. Kind of like watching someone shove an elephant into a dixie cup.

Doesnt work well, does it? It is unfortunate I am not friendly with the guy in 20D on my flight from NYC last night so he won't know to read my blog today and discover this important message.

You on the other hand, have a fabulous weekend.

How to be a good air traveler

2012-01-31T08:09:00.000-05:00

Even before I was traveling every week for work, as a family, the JMacs travel a good deal. So much so that when MiniMac was three, he told the man in front of us at security, "YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF."

If you do not travel much by aircraft, you might not enjoy my helpful tips. If you do travel by aircraft, you surely already know these tips but will certainly want to pass them along to one or two dumbarses you see.

How to be a good Air Traveler:

1. When you are packing your bag to go to the airport, and after lifting it you throw your back out, you need to reassess the weight limit enforced by almost every airline. Most bags have a 50 pound limit in coach and a 75 pound limit in First Class. So when you shove 14 pairs of shoes and 8 different outfits for your weekend trip, survey says: OVER the limit. What is more hilarious is that you will take that heavy bag to the airport, crossing your fingers for a whim. You will not put it on the scale until you are explicitly told to do so. You will then place it on the scale with one corner hanging off. You will then act surprised when you are caught doing this by the agent. You will then act further surprised when your bag weighs 62 pounds as if you had NO idea. So do this smarty pants, tuck a shopping bag with handles in your suitcase so you can quickly pull out 12 pounds of your gear. The people behind you in line will love you for it.

2. When you go through security, can you PLEASE just follow the rules? Even my toddler knows you have to take your shoes off. When the TSA person tells you this again because you can't read or listen, do NOT ask them, "Are you sure?" The people working at TSA may not know how to add fractions or how to properly identify certain barnyard animals but they certainly do know you need to take your shoes off. Oh, and can you please take your laptop OUT of your bag? Why is this recommended? Because the TSA agents have repeated it 10x in the 15 minutes you were standing there. Do you think they are up there singing some kind of song with no beat? "Please take your laptops out of your bags. Please take everything out of your pockets." This is not a song with no beat or cadence. Its is called instructions.

3. Also, do not bring your blow torch in your carry on. I thought the list of non-approved carry on items was a joke. Oh no. If you use a blowtorch you are either a welder or some kind of awesome artist. If so, you likely have a reason to tote a blow torch around. Anyone else, wise up. You can't take it on the plane unless you are Chuck Norris.

4. When you arrive at your terminal and tuck yourself into a seat at the gate, do NOT spread all your sh*t around to take up three extra seats. Your bag doesn't need a seat. Your newspaper doesn't need a seat. Your giant latte and bagel from Starbucks do not need a seat. Streamline. You know who needs a seat, the woman traveling with three kids, people on their third leg of a trip, or someone older than you.

5. When they initiate the boarding process, they begin with Zone 1. When you are in Zone 9, do NOT clog the boarding area. Same for you Zones 3,4,5,6,7 and 8. Zone 2, pony up. You are on deck. Everyone else, park it. I understand you are super excited to sit in a dirty seat with your feet jammed up on your bag underneath the seat in front of you because there is no more overhead space but you can't stand up and block the boarding passageway like gate lice.

6. And can we talk about the overhead space? I am the first one to never, ever want to put my bag on the floor. Here is why: They don't typcially clean the bathrooms on the airplanes. We know this from a flight attendant in our neighborhood. So you walk in the filthy bathroom. Then you tuck your feet under the seat. Then you rub your bag all over the residue. Then you put that bag on the bed of your hotel room. The bed you sleep on. Oh, there are worse things on the bed? We are all well aware. Then you take that bag and shove it bag under the seat on your return trip. Then you put it on your kitchen table.The one you eat on. E Coli? YUMMY. So I am a big advocate for using overhead space. Now, if you are getting overhead space, can you please not take up the space allocated for a large body with your COAT? Oh, it's winter? I know, Mother Nature. Put your coat on top of your bag. You know who is going to say the same thing to you only less nicely? The flight attendants who have to repeat this 20x per flight.

7. When you are boarded and still yapping away on your cell phone, know this: Your time on th e cell phone is limited. When the flight attendants say, "Please power down your electronic equipment", they do mean everything electronic. Don't act like you don't your cell phone is considered electronic equipment. You have a job don't you? You clearly aren't that daft. When they make this request and you keep on yapping, know this: You are a dbag. Unless you are Barack Obama, Peyton Manning, dealing with death or injury, or new parents leaving your child for the first time, you don't have a single agenda item that simply can. not. wait. You had plenty of time to wrap it up. The hints to get off the phone now came in this order: When you got in line to board, when you walked down the jetway, when you walked in the plane, when you sat in your seat, and the many times you were asked to turn your cell phone off.

On the subject of flight attendants, can you please not aggravate them? Oh, I get it, not all of them are nice. But most of them are and they likely hate repeating the same thing 10,000 times a flight.

8. The bathroom. I think a prison bathroom at Leavenworth is cleaner and more inviting than this tiny closet O' urine spray. Can we put an instruction on the door? Can we request you please aim for INSIDE the bowl? Why does it look like a giant wet dog shook itself in there? This is unsavory. It is work when the floor is as sticky as a NYC nightclub at 3 am. As I hover in there in my heels, I keep telling myself, "It is only kool-aid, it is only kool-aid" but we all know it is not kool-aid. I have seen less urine in the bathroom of my son's school and those kids barely know how to aim.

9. If you really need a snack, pack your own. If you don't like the slim options on the plane, guess who wondered your opinion? No one. I think it is so interesting that people take the peanuts or pretzels and then complain about the peanuts and pretzels. Its not prison where you simply must eat in order to garner the strength to dig an exit passageway with your spoon. Nor are you Hansel & Gretel who have no other sustenance but bread crumbs which you must eat to find your way home. Eat the free snacks or don't but please do not complain. Same rule shall apply to the free drinks. And this is my favorite:

Flight Attendant: What would you like to drink?
Idiot: What do you have?
FA: Well, we have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Ginger Ale, Milk, Water and a variety of juices.
Idiot: Do you have Snapple?
FA: No sir, we do not.
Idiot: Do you have Gatorade?
FA: No sir, we do not.

Really? Let's be clear that when you are given the list of products, they don't secretly leave some out to surprise you later like its your 6th birthday. They also don't hide a stash in the back to break out later in case we play an onboard game and prizes are needed. Listen to the list, pick it, sip it, and then zip it.

10. I would like to put an entry here for people who cough, sneeze, snort and hack to the point that others around you need a SARS mask but I can't. These people will always travel so wash your hands people. Wash them really well.

11. Can we talk about proper plane voice volume and etiquette? Or how loud your volume is on your iPod as you are listening to the new Ludacris song. Turn it down, Junior. Those words are pretty filthy and while Mamacita loves to get her groove on, I certainly don't want to hear club beats and back that arse up at 8:15 on a flight to a work meeting. Neither does the sweet elderly lady on the other side of you. Lucky for you she likely thinks "back that ass up" is a reference to a manger scene.

12. When the plane lands and you taxi to the jetway, the magic sound you are listening for is the bell that indicates you can jump up like Criss Cross and get your bags and giant coat stuffed in the overhead compartment. When you do not hear the bell, do not jump up and grab your bags and your giant coat. You will be admonished. Via loudspeaker. In front of all. I know there is stress at times because of connecting flights, but unless you really are a grasshopper, Daniel-san, you aren't going to be able to run over all the backs of the people ahead of you. If you are really, really pressed for time you can certainly ask the flight attendant to request that others who are not connecting remain seated. This never works but you can at least ask so you are not the betch on one of my last flights who caused a scene on the plane because she was going to miss a flight only to be made to sit down and wait. Like a 8 year old.

I am boarding a plane in minutes. I will keep all of these rules in mind. Have a great week.

Take A Bite Of: JennyMac's Spicy Carrot Soup

2012-01-28T08:21:00.002-05:00

I am not fond of carrot. And by "not fond" I mean "ICK". I think a carrot is like an oddly flavored stick, with a weird texture, dipped in a rainbow hue. Put that together and I will pass. As far as foods go, it is my arch nemesis.

You can imagine what happened when I was young and a mere cube or sliver of carrot presented itself in my food. No one said I was a dream child, friends.

So ironically, a few years ago at a fab restaurant in Seattle, the server said their best recommendation that night on the menu was carrot soup. He was pretty convincing. I tried one bite of my brother's. It was actually delicious. Primarily because it did not taste like carrot! A month or two ago, same scenario, different restaurant. Then I decided I could certainly work some carrot into my own life if I could master this soup. So I set out to conquer it. And let me tell you, this soup has become one of my favorites. AND, I passed it along to some friends and I got some great reviews yesterday. Even an endorsement from a 9 year old who also has a strong distaste for carrot.

Two good things about this soup: VERY healthy. And VERY easy. From my kitchen to yours, enjoy every bite. And if you don't like carrots, get on the bandwagon. I will make a believer out of you.

JennyMac's Spicy Carrot Soup

In a large pot ( I use a dutch oven) pour 2 T olive oil over medium low heat. Add 2 cloves minced garlic and 1/2 chopped onion. Sweat the garlic and onion for about 5 - 8 minutes. Add approximately 1.5 to 2 pounds of carrots. You can peel and chop them OR you can buy the uber convenient 5 lb bag of pre-washed, baby carrots from Costco for about 5 dollars.

Saute the carrots for about 10 minutes. Cover with liquid stock (I use chicken or vegertable.) Simmer until carrots are tender 25 - 45 minutes depending on your level of heat. Using an immersion blender, begin to puree the carrots. Add stock as needed to modify the consistency.

Add 1 T. cinnamon
1 t cayenne pepper (and increase to taste. I am a spicy girl so I of course add twice as much or more.)

Add 1/4 cup milk. Blend. Drizzle 1 - 2 T of olive oil over. Stir.

When serving, add 1/4 cup greek yogurt, stir.

Say, "MMMMMMMMMMMMMM." And then spread the carrot love.

Is that a dog in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

2012-01-24T09:42:00.000-05:00

Ok. We will talk about the New Orleans trip next round. I flew back from NOLA and then my family and JMacs family were here to celebrate our beautiful son's 5th birthday. More on that to come as well. I am boarding a plane for the West Coast today for a 2 hour meeting but in short, we had an awesome weekend. And everytime I am with my family, it is story-telling time galore. And there are two all-time favorite stories in my arsenal about my Mom. Here we go again:

After sharing the family beaver story with you, I had a big laugh with my Mom. You would think it a recent memory for the volume of comedic value I derive from it. But in my arsenal of great family tales, the beaver story has a friend. Another story, born during a sweet and innocent scene one summer I was on college break.

My parents were living in Alaska. I went up for the summer and was befriended by a group of nice Norwegians. Two of them, brothers, were helping me learn some rudimentary phrases in their native tongue. I would practice with them on our fairly frequent run ins, and I would share my tiny handful of wisdom with my parents. My mom got a kick out of practicing these phrases along with me.

My mom was running a full time business, and doing an incredible job. She was successful and smart and so it is with total respect I share the following scenario. One day in her lovely and light-filled office, a group of businessman came in. The two brothers were amongst the group and my mom was ready to intro her practiced pleasantries, this time, in Norwegian.

One of the easy phrases they taught me was "Gu Dag, Hvordan ar du det."

Which sounds like "Guh dah, vor dahn are doo day."

As she addressed the group, she said very slowly with perfect diction:

"Good dog, vord ann hard on today?"

The room went silent, briefly. One of the men responded, "Not quite yet, M, but if it changes, I will let you know." And then the large group burst into such a raucous laughter. And I thought I might have an accident of the urinary explosion kind. My mom, simply trying her best, looked at me and asked what was wrong.

I laid my hand gently on her arm and said, "Well, I'm not entirely sure but I think you just stated something equivalent to a good dog having a hard on today. " Some of these men were having a little trouble breathing. Primarily because my mom never talked like at work, and frankly, I thought it was a riot.

Her poor face. More red than classic Chanel No. 5 lipstick, honey.

She went ahead and left the room. At least until the laughter died down.

Oh, the laughs these stories have provided. And they have been told and retold. And surely someday my son will tell similar stories about us. I look forward to it and hope I take it as well as our Mom does.

So watch your words today. And I'd avoid that dog if I were you.

Laissez les bons temps rouler.

2012-01-16T08:11:00.013-05:00

I am in New Orleans this week for work. You read it correctly. New Orleans. For a WEEK. For work. Things I will not be doing:

Hydrating with vodka.
Staying out late Prince-style and partying like its 1999.
Accruing hangovers like they are Valentines.
Eating entirely healthy.

Now, I will share I have spent time galore in New Orleans. I allegedly spent time there during Mardi Gras as well. Incidentally, were you aware you can buy those beads for about $1.00 each? Yes. You don't have to show strangers your cans for a string of beads you can simply purchase for $1.00. Oh, that isn't the point? Thanks, Hugh Hefner. I am well aware.

I like to make a note that when people go off campus for work meetings, why are these meetings never located in a cabin in the woods or some small unassuming city? Never. They are often in places like Vegas, San Diego, FL, or New Orleans not only for the pleasant weather but there is always sign tie to a city full of potential debauchery. A friend from work said he wished our meeting was in Vegas because NOLA is "Dirty and seedy." Vegas is also dirty and seedy. It's just a prettier more slick version of dirty and seedy.

I can't wait to eat at the dirtiest dive I know: Acme Oyster House. Scary to walk in but OH the food is AMAZING. I am also participating in a fun race this week. At the crack of dawn one morning. If that is not incentive to " Go to bed early" I don't know what is.

And no I will not be going to Cafe Du Monde. Oh, the fluffy beignets are amazing. I don't need them. And I don't drink coffee. And coffee with chicory doesn't sound intriguing.

I hope you have a fantastic week. See you Saturday with a tasty recipe to counterbalance the sinister Sinnamon rolls I posted this past weekend. Which by the way, I made again for breakfast at some good friends and I want to hate the Sinnamon rolls, but I never, ever will. And the Sinnamon rolls are the reason I am skipping fresh delicious beignets this entire week.

Take A Bite Of: Vanilla Pudding Cinnamon Rolls

2012-01-14T09:03:00.004-05:00

I found this recipe in O Magazine. Now, you know Ms. Oprah likes her treats. I like cinnamon rolls but they tend to be too dense and chewy for me. I was intrigued by a recipe that has vanilla pudding IN the dough. Well, I ate four of these on Christmas Eve. FOUR. They are pillowy, light, decadent, and should be called SINNamon rolls. But I have made them about 4 times since and they are a huge hit to all the recipients. It is cold outside, you need something to do, don't you? And you already worked out this week, like I suggested, right? So get to work on these. From my kitchen to yours, enjoy every bite.

PS: According to Oprah, this recipe makes 12 rolls. Ummm, I think you like the XXXXXL size cinnamon roll, Oprah, because this recipe made over 2 dozen. See the pics below, I baked some free standing and some in a pan. The pan version is my preference and I now cut this recipe in half to make 12. Enjoy!

Vanilla Pudding Cinnamon Rolls

Ingredients:

½ cup warm water (100° to 110°)

2 Tbsp. granulated sugar

2 (¼-ounce) packets active dry yeast

1 tsp. canola oil

1 (3.4-ounce) box instant vanilla pudding mix, prepared according to package directions and made with whole milk

24 Tbsp. (3 sticks) unsalted butter (8 Tbsp. melted and cooled, 16 Tbsp. at room temperature), divided, plus more for greasing

2 eggs

1 tsp. kosher salt

6 cups bread flour, sifted, plus more for dusting

2 cups light brown sugar

4 tsp. ground cinnamon

1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened

2 cups powdered sugar

2 Tbsp. milk

2 tsp. vanilla extract

Directions

In a medium bowl, combine water, granulated sugar, and yeast; set aside until very foamy, about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, grease a large bowl with oil; set aside.

In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, beat prepared pudding, 8 Tbsp. melted and cooled butter, and eggs on medium speed until well combined. Add yeast mixture and beat again until combined. Add salt and then flour, 1 cup at a time, incorporating it first on low speed, and then working your way up to medium speed, mixing well after each addition.

Turn dough out onto a floured surface, dust with flour, and knead to form a smooth ball, 1 to 2 minutes; transfer to prepared bowl. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 8 hours or overnight.

Next steps: Grease a 9x9 pan for 6 rolls, or 13 x 9 for 12. Set aside. In a medium bowl, combine brown sugar and cinnamon. Transfer dough to a large, floured work surface and divide into 2 pieces. Roll out each piece into a 12- x 16-inch rectangle and spread 4 Tbsp. butter over each. Scatter cinnamon-sugar mixture evenly over dough, and then snugly roll up each rectangle, starting with the short side, to form 2 (12-inch) logs. Cut each log crosswise into 6 rolls and transfer to prepared baking sheet, spacing them evenly apart. Cover loosely with plastic wrap or a light kitchen towel and set aside in a warm spot until doubled in size, 1 to 2 hours.

Preheat oven to 350°. Bake rolls until puffed and golden brown, about 30 minutes.

Meanwhile, make frosting: In a large bowl, beat remaining 8 Tbsp. butter and cream cheese with an electric mixer on medium speed until well-combined and fluffy, about 2 minutes. Add powdered sugar, milk, and vanilla and beat again until creamy and combined, about 1 minute.

OR: You can easily find the copycat recipe for Cinnabon cinnamon roll icing which is what I used.

OR: I also made a simple honey glaze for one batch: Tupelo honey, powdered sugar, milk to thin = amazing.

While rolls are still hot, drop a large dollop of frosting over the middle of each one, spreading it out a bit with the back of a spoon. They are delicious warm or at room temp.