Let's Love Ourselves!

Being Blind in a Christian Church

2021-12-04T10:43:00.001-08:00

Note: The following views do not represent my view, but that of the one interviewed.

Beth is blind from birth and was raised Roman Catholic. She says Catholics helped with the poor, imprisoned, food etc. The Church even sent her food, during the pandemic. However, The disabled are often underconservatorships / guardianships, and thus, can't marry. This was the case with Beth, until 2020, when she was emancipated from it. Since the Church frowns on premarital sex, she says the relationship with her live in partner was a subject of ostracization.

Beth was RC, then Muslim. The mosque was ableist, according to her. Then another church had all male leaders. She says a pastor called her a "whore", and "sexually deviant". She was voted out for living with her partner.

Beth claims disabled women are at a "high risk" of rape, because they are frequently not married to their live in significant others, and in certain Christian communities, that makes them a prime target.

Churches serve wheel chair users, but often not the autistic or blind. Her friend lost benefits, when married, so that was a warning sign for her. Beth had a commitment ceremony, not a legal marriage, because of her partner's health care being lost, if they did wed.

Churches often think a blind couple shouldn't marry, further complicating the issue of marriage. Also, weddings are often expensive, and often, the disabled did not have family support of their marriage.

Beth plans to have a baby. Nonetheless, the church doesn't understand that they would end up in poverty, if they married.

The SSI rate in Denver is low for married couples. If Trenton, (her partner) and her don't have babies, they want to adopt. Marriage is sometimes required for adoption, and there is frequent discrimation against the blind.

To support a potential child, she says, " A call center job just is not with enough benefits", so couldn't support baby. Family leave isn't good, so they couldn't get that, especially since finding a job is hard, for the blind.

"Churches don't even want to serve disabled people." Beth and Trenton go to a Unitarian Church. "They want us to take mass transit, which is how we got bed bugs. All transit should be cleaned of bugs.l, but aren't, in Colorado." So the church helping with transit would help, both with attending services and church social events.

Inside church walls, audio devotionals are often available, but not audio or Braille Bibles. Worship songs are on a screen, so are not accesible.

In short, Beth says there needs to be an improvement in how churches treat the disabled. She has essentially left Christianity, because of the mistreatment she received.

Update

2021-11-13T14:32:00.001-08:00

It's been a long time, so I figured I would do an update.

I am looking for a new apartment. They are most likely selling the house I live in.

I am blessed to have gotten Section 8, (a federally subsidised housing voucher) but it's hard to find what I want. I fear living in an area worse than where I now am. I have to stay in Elizabeth, but am wary of certain areas. It appears I can mainly afford the areas I want to avoid. But I have trust in God and patience is a virtue. I have until 12/12/21, exactly a month, to find a place.

I go to a day program for behavioral health. I run the members group there, and work on the newsletter.

Isolation and Stability

2020-03-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

Considering my bipolar, I may happy that I actually am remainder ng stable, with this Corona forced isolation.
But I give my hat off to those that need to isolate, and hate it.
I am grateful I can talk to people, using technology, in ways they couldn't in the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic. I am grateful I cam at least get out of bed. Breathe without a machine, and much more.
I think we can use this time appreciate all we have, and to reach out with a text or call, to those that are less fortunate.

2017-09-19T12:25:00.002-07:00

Feeling my skin crawl.
Why me?
Why them?
WHY, GOD?

I feel I don't know up from down.
Forced to frown.
The past haunts:
recent and years ago.

Overwhelmed with conflicting
emotions pouring out.

Hurricane, rain, thunder,
lighting...
g.

Fighting for mindfulness,
radical acceptance,
self CONTROL.

Illness isn't an option.
I know I can be lazy,

I know my faults.
I know my strengths.

But...
I struggle to find...
and accept
my options.

A pretezel longing to be untangled.
String loose and bounding.
Tight as handcuff.
Resilient as the wind,
changing direction.

Not A Mooch

2017-07-18T06:49:00.001-07:00

I don't work and am on Disability. This is not by choice. Especially recovering from two mental breaks. Newsflash: Both involve constant treatment and self care.
I didn't think of where to volunteer, and I knew my health wasn't well enough. However, I now feel I am getting there.
I am applying to volunteer at a nursing home and at a hospital. I am becoming more active in library and community events. I try to attend physical activities at the YMCA. I am looking to POSSIBLY going back to (very part time) work, and MAYBE class, one a semester.
On the current side, I clean, make (a lot of) phone calls, read, and am looking to learn how to knit.
I am attending a program that will finish soon. I socialize, shop, and more.
If I "mooch" from the government, I would like to know how.

My Views on My Mental Illness

2017-07-08T13:39:00.001-07:00

If you have a physical disability people get it. With visual impairment; pain issues, and mental illness; not so much. MThain reason I have SSDI is because of my mental illness.
In the psych ward (I was there twice) it's not like you are meeting a bunch people like the homeless schizophrenic you often see. Even if they do scream/hear voices, have a manic episode and/or have a psychotic episode, most are just as normal as anyone. They are people, like me, that have simply lost their way in life.
However, we were subjected to glares and stares, from other doctors in the hospital. We think we are overcoming stigmatizing. Nope. We have a long way to go.
Mental illness is just an illness. To truly move forward, we need to realize that unless criminally insane, no harm is usually intended in a psychotic episode or manic episode.
Manic or psychotic eousides can be non violent. For example, a person with mania (like me), could just go overboard with work, as in literally a few days and nights on a project. A stressed out person with psychosis may simply hear negative voices. With prescriptions, these symptoms can be controlled.
Meds can be both expensive and addictive. I recently had a SCARY Clonopin withdrawal, for example.
As many know, I am no addict. But I thought "as needed" had to mean all the time. Because I was so constantly anxious.
Therapy can help. But it takes WORK. I am trying, myself.
Meds really are, unfortunately, a lifeline.
Just something to think about, when a friend says they have a mental illness.

Maracas

2017-06-30T03:17:00.001-07:00

Big and shaken.
Rambling and chanting.
Am I right or am I wrong?
Why think this?
How and when do I move on?
Where am I headed?
Who I am I becoming?
Shake, shake, shake...

War

2017-06-28T03:00:00.001-07:00

The soldiers have long left home. Perhaps for the last time.I don't want anyone to die. Each is part of me.
But the side hurting me...must go.
Resisting, out of fear of not having the hurt I have long known...too Well!
The army for my health is getting stronger, each new day.
God, please guide My Health to fight My Illness.
All things are possible with you.
I have long believed. But I can't stand this wait. Inpatient, desperate, needy, feeling pathetic--
My Illness must finally die. I don't feel I can cope. God, please give My Health some hope. Please teach me to cope.

Monster

2017-06-27T18:17:00.001-07:00

I feel so hideous.
Jealousy turns me black and blue.
Like a scaly creature idolizing a swan...
Crumbling instead.
But forcing myself to smile.
Hopefully this will be gone.
In a little while I--
Will love myself.
Know I made fearfully and wonderfully made.
Someday.
Today I let the tears fall.
Just want to feel anything.
Anything at all...
Just the good.
All I can handle.

Take me Or Leave Me

2017-03-27T17:10:00.000-07:00

I have learned how valuable I am, and all I can accomplish. This post is not to gloat, but a statement of confidence.
This weekend, someone on Disability said they couldn't imagine not working.
At first, I chose to feel inadequate.
Then, I actually thought about the differences in our situations.
I still feel inferior that I will not be working. However,
I will contribute in volunteering, my church, join some groups, and go to the Library, frequently.
I am trying to learn that I don't have to justify myself to anyone.
I will get there!

Update

2017-02-23T13:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a great home health aide, and am learning amazingly affective coping skills!
Yes, just yesterday was a little rough. But I am finally changing into a more calm, collected woman.
I have always said, "I have a long way to go."
However, I finally starting to see there is a speck of light at the end this tunnel.
I will walk out, one day.
No my mental illnesses will not be cured.
But I will be able to manage them, even at worst, with more love and respect for myself.
This tunnel has been dark, bumpy, slippery, had a lot of twists and turns. I have been misdirected and gotten hopelessly lost, it seemed.
But I changing that, and trying my best to not turn back!

Adjusting

2017-01-05T10:36:00.001-08:00

Two weeks post my hospital stay, I am feeling more confident I am getting the help I need. I am learning more coping skills, and how to overlook guilt. I made a list of everything I am grateful for, and did relaxing activities, to keep myself up, until 11. Unfortunately, my alarm wasn't on and I awoke at 10:30. But all of this is a huge learning curve. Baby steps!

Psych ward: Great Life Experience

2017-01-03T12:19:00.001-08:00

Yes, that's right. It made me realize I am not alone. I associated with peers. We learned about how to address our issues, productively. The recreation center was great and well equipped. I even learned how to loom.
My brother in law inspects fire alarms throughout the state. He told me how horrible state hospital's psych wards can be.
I am immensely grateful I went to Overlook for my Hospitalization.

New Year, New Me!

2016-12-31T20:00:00.001-08:00

I am going through a lot of positive changes. My life will, eventually be what I I need it to be. I am learning to love myself MUCH more. I will try more to avoid situations that cause me anxiety. I will NOT be ashamed and guilt ridden. I will take this Partial Hospitalization Program EXTREMELY seriously. I am going to continue devoting myself to self care, self love, and fighting my immense insecurity. I am a strong woman. I have been through enough to know true contentment only exists when you are only focused on the current moment. I am ready for the road ahead. The Hospitalization scared me. I came in feeling insane, weak, dehydrated, and malnourished. I know not to say never. But I am going to motivate myself to love life, and my close friends and family. I just need to work on myself.

Millennials and the Elderly

2016-12-25T05:11:00.001-08:00

At the hospital, the other patients and I had the luxury of playing Cards Against Humanity, with two elderly patients. One wa s hysterical, picking the filthiest cards. I think more people our age need engage with the elderly. Yes, some are stereotypical uptight grandparents. But not all.
This experience not only fun, but a great learning experience!

Empaths are Sponges

2016-12-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

https://youtu.be/r21Qza6vadU
I soak in your words,
Your actions,
Your actions,
Your body language.
I don't want to care this much.
It's scary.
Paralyzing.
Overwhelming.
Evokes extreme emotion.
We don't want to be
So sensitive, so raw.
Even crowds can make us anxious.
We love too much,
Hurt to the bone.
We cannot handle such excruciating pain.

Common Sense and Decency: A Short List of a Few Forgotten Tidbits

2015-05-19T12:33:00.001-07:00

1. Racism is racism, regardless of the race generalized.

2. Verbal abuse is NOT helpful advice.

3. Some people have disabilties that can't be seen, so don't pre-judge.

4. Difference should be celebrated.

5. Letting things go is EXTREMELY hard, but neccessary.

6. Family isn't always blood, and sometimes blood relatives treat us the worst. This doesn't mean such a person has issues.

7. You can know someone your entire life, and not understand him/her at all.

8. People deal with, see things, and learn things differently. Doesn't mean they are at all inferior.

9. People can ALWAYS surprise you, for better or worse.

10. Stalking is NOT "fighting for" a girl at all. It's stalking.

Expectations vs. Reality

2015-03-29T03:40:00.002-07:00

1. Expectation: I will be married by the time I am 30.
Reality: I rejected the guy I thought I would marry--and I don't regret doing so.

2. Expectation: I will be able to get enough funds to graduate college without crippling debt.
Reality: Haha, no!

3. Expectation: If I stay close to them, people will be close to me.
Reality: People change, things happen, life moves on.

4. Expectation: I will be able to find a job that will at least cover my loans right after college.
Reality: Haha, NO!

5. Expectation: Most people are understanding enough about disabilities these days.
Reality: Some people are still downright ignorant and intolerant.

6. Expectation: Thirty is considered young these days...right?
Reality: Yes, but tell that to your suddenly achy joints and dark circles...

7. Expectation: I will find a job a job that AT LEAST requires a college degree.
Reality: Well, this one...I FINALLY fulfilled with 2 jobs! :)

Lean In: My take

2014-05-27T19:14:00.002-07:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WWumJF1dEY

The Lean In movement is narrow minded and judgmental. Imposing any ideals on women should not define feminism. To me, it's about what each INDIVIDUAL and UNIQUE women wants out of life. Some just want to be moms, others to be businesswomen. Some want both. But saying that anyone is any less "feminist" just because they don't agree to a certain ideal is insane.
Don't get me wrong; I think there SHOULD be more women leaders. But, not because we are pressed into being one. Stay at home moms can be just intelligent and aware, if not more so, than their working counterparts. It's time they get respect.
I have overcome so much in life I refuse fulfill society's expectations just because it's the norm. Struggling to find one's identity is challenging enough, pressure just confuses the issue.
Uniting strengthens all division does is hurt and alienate. There are NO excuses for not respecting, understanding, accepting, and uniting.

Random, Free Verse Prose

2012-01-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

1)
I wanted more than I needed,
I stole more than I earned,
You tore my body into a broken...
mess.
I let you destroy this vessel,
but the lesson is learned.
You will end up..
the one burned.

2)
You give your money,
and demand gratitude in return.
You give insults, guilt, and negative criticism.
Then you tell me not to think that way.
Money can't by love,
and I'm not sure you know...
what love really is....
So sad, I thought you did.

3)
You are my pillar from above,
a part of my heart and soul.
Sharing a birthday with you...
the highest honor I'll ever know.
You showed me how to know what true friend is,
and what being one means.
I am proudly going to use a teapot of yours this week.
Up there in sweet Heaven, Gram, I shall toast thee.
I love you and miss you.
I hope your "bus" shows up on time there!

My Vision Situation

2011-07-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

    Occasionally, people ask if I'm blind. Yes, I am visually impaired, but not blind. Disassociated vertical deviation is what I have had since I was a child. Apparently, my eyes aren't connected properly to the nerve endings in moth y brain. This causes my right eye to shift (despite 2 surgeries) and my clumsiness. I have no depth perception. Nonetheless, it will NOT get any worse. This is why I'm near sighted; I'm told that otherwise, my eyes would be fine. Thankfully, my Rx for the glasses has not changed.
   Since this has to do with how my eyes work jointly, I can't wear contact lenses. Additionally, there is no cure. Open brain surgery MIGHT correct it, but the chance is a mere 50/50. Who would risk that?
   Finally, have some respect. I am a strong, independent, strong willed young woman. I'm not an invalid.
Quit treating me like one. Even if I do get money for my disability from the state, I WORK. I have a legitimate disability. Taking mass transit is good for the environment, and could really change the downturn of our economy is drastically improved (which is URGENTLY need in ALL facets of NJ Transit). So if I primarily only rely on this, what's wrong? Newsflash: business men and women all ride the bus. Yes, I've seen them. I'm talking about WHITE people.

Love Yourself...Media is @&%$$-+!

2011-06-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

       We women are so cruel to each other. We ask if one has gained weight, comment on how ugly celebrities look if they (Heaven forbid!) actually eat, and too many go on insane diets that don't work. WHY? I just read Ralph Lauren fired a model who is 5' 8" 120 lbs. Underweight to the real world, maybe even unhealthily so, but oh, no! She's "overweight" to Ralph Lauren! I think its fabulous that "plus size" models are on the rise. But they aren't "plus size!" Most of them look like their at an average women's weight. Why not replace the stick thin, pathetic models with real women? I know we are all fed up with touch ups also. So I what if you aren't perfect? It would suck if you were. I mean, you may end up as clueless as Snooki! lol Stop comparing your body to mine; You are probably much healthier and closer to the average BMI you should be than me. I love my body, but I felt bad that I was so thin that I couldn't understand what it's like to have to lose weight. I believe all around health and confidence the only two things that should matter in superficial beauty.
   The only way this could change would be a miracle; everyone avoiding any media depicting women in a negative way.
   To all you men; what you see in porn and with movie stars isn't real. Get over it! Maybe the love of your life has a skin condition! So what? Don't ask us to compromise ourselves; we are equal to you, after all.
         We women have come a long way, but still we stereotype. It used to be a stay at home mom was the norm; now she is considered lazy and disconnected. Women work, but if they don't want children, they must hate them and be selfish. Neither is fair! Stay at home moms have the hardest job in the world, and some women (like me!) who don't want kids, adore them.
   I just saw a commercial for "SNY" that said it "Raises your testosterone." Try looking at your actual demographics, "SNY!" I bet at least 30% are female. Nice way to appeal to women!
            Also, I wish everyone would realize the significance of a mother's life; Abortion may be murder in your mind, but it might be the only option for someone else.
   Just a few of my humble opinions! :-)