Letters to Beatriz

Saint Paul, November 8th, 2009

2009-11-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

Beatriz, how are you doing my girl?

I’m sorry; I know I took so long time to write, more than one week with no news, no letters, neither calls. I’m sorry, B. I don’t have any excuse to you, but I really couldn’t write in these days, I was not well. I’m sure I was not a good company even by letter.

Do you know Daniel? I’m not sure if I have already told about him to you. He is a good friend, my best friend, I guess. At least in this time here, in these last days he has been the best one, for sure. I told about you to him this week. He is so interested to know you. I guess I’m jealous. No, I’m just joking with you, not about him, about me, I’m not jealous. I don’t have any reason for this.

Jealousy has some relationship with possession. This really doesn’t make any sense for me. Worse than this, when we talk about jealousy this seems with some feeling of control, obsession, definitively it’s not a good feeling. It’s that kind of feeling that hurts inside ourselves and doesn’t bring any good value for us, neither for others. I prefer don’t feel this. I prefer to feel proud of you, when I see people, as Daniel, interested in you. This is the same feeling I fell every time I listen to somebody talking about you. I don’t know how to explain, but it’s nice to see you are so great, so nice.

But about Daniel we stayed for long time in the last days talking and talking. We could talk about several subjects and this was so nice. I don’t remember when was the last time I could talk with somebody for so long time. This was really great.

He told me something about to live and not just to dream. I didn’t understand exactly what he meant with this. He told me I dream so much. Does this make sense for you? Am I like that? Is this a problem, perhaps? But I’m not sure how much this was serious, I guess he was a kind of drunk when he told me this, but I confess I thought a lot about that. I decided to tell to you, because sometimes you can give me the real meaning of the words, of the feelings. Maybe you can also help me with this.

In one of these days when I was coming back home I was thinking a lot. Sometimes the alcohol makes us think about subjects usually we don’t stop to think about. Who am I? What am I doing? What do I want? What am I looking for? Who the people see when they look at me? I don’t know any answer. I guess it’s late, I’m sleepy, and my mind is a little bit confused. Maybe I’ll talk about this in another day. Now I just want to say I really miss you, and I miss all those days we didn’t live yet. I dream with them every day.

Last night I was watching TV in a restaurant and I saw one beautiful girl dancing. She was so light and precise in her movements, without lose the grace. I could see you there.

Take care, little girl.

Today I’ll send just one angel to protect you. I need some also to protect me.

Saint Paul, October 27th, 2009

2009-10-27T21:34:00.000-07:00

B, how are you doing?

I was trying to write to you but I couldn’t. I just thought sad things, and I didn’t want to write to you this kind of words, you just deserve happiness.

I try to remember happy moments we live together, but all the time the thoughts finished in good-bye. I remembered this time when I took you to the station and you lost the bus. We have to come back home and nobody understood what happened. This was a kind of fun, but just for some minutes more and you had to go on the next day.

Sometimes life is like that. One day more, one month, it doesn’t matter, we have to go. Each day is time to say good-bye. Some people forget this and live as if tomorrow was something real, but nobody can be sure about it. I’m not sure about tomorrow. Sometimes we have one day more, but it’s just one day, just some hours that go so fast, and we don’t live as I believe we had to do.

You ask me about my garden, so it is here. These days are not so cloudy, so I have let the curtains opened and I let them close to the window. I guess they like to receive some sunlight. During the night, while I’m awake I let one light close them too. I don’t know if this works, but I’m trying doing the best for the plants.

Here even where the temperature is not so low, I’m feeling colder. I guess the city is with more shadows, the sun each day pass further from us, so south, and some streets don’t see the sunlight more, just shadows and shadows. This does the city seems wetter, but I’m not sure if this is true, it’s just my feeling. It’s not nice walking in the streets like it was some weeks or months ago.

Yesterday I bought some warm clothes to the winter. I was so worried about this, but now I guess I’ll survive. The moon is growing, as you know, upside-down, the rabbit almost falling.

Did you understanding what this letter mean? I’m missing you so much.

I wish that angels protect you during your dreams.

Take care, my girl.

Saint Paul, October 25th, 2009

2009-10-24T22:36:00.000-07:00

Bea,

How are you, girl? How about your weekend? Did you enjoy, have fan? I hope so.

Look, I started my small garden! I bought two plants, one orchid and one cactus. You know, they look like so different, but they have some similarities. Both don’t need so much attention. You can forget them for some days and you won’t have any problem. If you give so much water to them, both will die. They need space, they have their own time. We have to respect this. Later if they die for so much water, it will be our fault, so we have to know how much attention and water they need.

Other thing I was observing, both give us what they have. This doesn’t mean they love more or less, or don’t love us; they just give us their beauty or thorns because this is what they have. We can’t say to the cactus it doesn’t love us just because it hurts our hand with its thorns when we try to be closer, even if this was to put water, this doesn’t matter. If we go so much close, it will hurt you, but take easy, it’s not personal, it has nothing against you.

To be fair with the cactus, we can’t believe that the orchid love us just because it gives us its beauty. Yes, it’s so beautiful, you have to see. I’ll send you one picture of it. But, as I was saying, it’s beautiful and gives us its beauty because it’s like that. In the same way, do not make sense if you say to it, “hey, orchid, I guess you are in love for me, you just give me beauty”. Maybe it will think you are crazy. As the cactus, the orchid gives us what it has. Even if we forget it for some days, when we arrive home it will be there with its beauty, waiting for you.

You know, we have to respect this. Our attention and love for them have to be free of expectation of reciprocity. I guess we have a lot to learn with them.

Today was a beautiful day again, we could play soccer and it was nice. I like so much the sensation in the body after to do some physical activity. Yesterday I did yoga, and it was great too. I guess now when started to be colder and we won’t be able to play soccer, I’ll have to do yoga many times, even here alone. This is not a problem, maybe it’s better to be more concentrated.

Now I put a candle which one friend gave me close to the plants. I guess they like, I don’t know.

Please, girl, don’t forget to take some vitamin C. It’s each day colder, and it’s easy to take a cold, flu. I don’t want this for you. Take care. Drink a hot tea with honey if it’s possible.

Have a nice night, with beautiful dreams, girl.

Saint Paul, October 24th, 2009

2009-10-23T23:14:00.000-07:00

Beatriz, Beatriz, Beatriz

Yesterday I saw when started snowing. It’s amazing. I know I’m talking a lot about snow, but, please, you have to understand me, these are being my first days with snow in my life. Probably this is very common for you, so you don’t feel this enchantment, but for me, all this is new.

I was in the College, I ordered a hot chocolate, and I sat to drink it, looking through the window, with no target. It was raining and I just stayed like that, looking the rain, when suddenly I realized some drops were becoming different. They were a little bit bigger and white, and they didn’t fall like others, their direction was more laterally, lighter. I would like to call you in that moment, but I guess that was not a big deal for you. Perhaps if I told about this for you, I would hear “so what?”

I don’t mind, for me it’s a beautiful and new event, so I stayed for some minutes there, silently looking that rain with few snowflakes falling, and slowly the drops were becoming more and more snowflakes, small and ephemeral pieces of cotton I could saw through that window while I drank my chocolate.

Bea, I was reading your last letter. Why did you tell me to do not treat with priority who treats me as an option? What did you mean? I thought to say this for you, but you told me the same first. This made me confused. If you can, if you want, talk more about that, I’m not sure about what you meant.

This weekend promises to be a hard one. Please, pray for me. I’m thinking to begin to do a small garden in my apartment, just some flowers, some green. I guess I’m missing this, and when I imagine five months like that, just cold, snow, no flowers, no green, oh Lord, I have to do something. I don’t know how the flowers will behave just inside my apartment, with heat, just little sunlight, but I’ll try. I want to start in this weekend, and I’ll let you know about it, unfortunately I won’t be able to plant my flowers, but I’ll try cultivate them. If you have some ideas about what flowers and/or plants are better to live here, inside my apartment, let me know.

You know, you have been my best friend for long time, even before I started to write these letters, every day I have talked to you.

They tell me one of the angels I sent to you didn’t come back; I guess he fell in love…

Take care, sweet girl

Saint Paul, October 23rd, 2009

2009-10-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Beatriz!

Do you remember when I talked to you about the colors of the trees here in Saint Paul? You remember I told they are so beautiful, full of different shades of red, orange, yellow, don’t you? Well, this morning I woke up early and decided walking a little bit, and the same colors today were no beautiful, they were sad, they were hurting my eyes.

The red seemed blood. When clearer, almost orange, live blood, when darker, old and dead blood, drying alone. All trees today were blue and they were bleeding. Some of them were recently hurt, with brighter colors, other dry, yellow and brown. I realized that when we are closer the colors of the leaves are not pretty, they are lifeless, and when I saw some of them falling, I saw tears. The tree seemed nude, unprotected, totally exposed to the cold that is coming, and they cried leaves.

One of the streets where I passed was completely covered by dry leaves. The street, sidewalks, cars, roofs, everything covered by leaves; just the trees were nude. Perhaps if I took some picture it would be beautiful, but there, this morning, I couldn’t do this, I just felt melancholy, and I continued walking, stepping in the tree’s tears.

Today is Friday and I remembered a poem. It’s for you, girl.

Sweet sweet dreams…

Girl, today is Friday
Last workday of the week
But take it easy!
We have a lot ahead
Trust and continue, girl!

Finalize this week with courageousness
Keep your schedules, your appointments
After all, today is the last day
But remember, just of this week
So girl, do not hurry!

Take a deep breath and thank
The week is going
It is missing almost anything
It is time to smile and relax
In peace, calm and faithfully

Soon it begins again
So trust, girl
I ask you, with my heart, that you believe
I give you my word
The next week is coming

Go quiet, go light, go easy
Leave the past here, today
Bury it with the week
Rest tomorrow
And believe in the next one

Girl, I swear
It will be wonderful

Saint Paul, October 22nd, 2009

2009-10-22T13:13:00.000-07:00

Little B,

How are you, girl? How about your days?

These have been hard days for me, mainly this week. There are so many things happening in the same time, so many feelings in my soul, so many thought in my mind…

I know you love pictures, I was looking some of them today. I realized that people show a lot about themselves in their pictures. I’m not talking about the images specifically, but about what they show to us in their pictures. I’m not psychologist, but I guess we can learn something about the people just observing their pictures. What’s the most important for them? Where is their focus? How they see the world?

Of course this is a generalization, but this works too. One day you told me that when we take a picture with a lot of people and they look it later, their opinion about the picture, if it’s good or no, is just about how they are in the picture. If they are okay, it doesn’t matter the rest. If everything in the picture is perfect but they believe they are not looking good, they will say the picture is not good. After this I start to observe, and is really like that, with so few exceptions. When we take picture we observe the same, some people is so worry about their appearance in the photo. Why?

Consciously or unconsciously the pictures show us how this person sees his/her world. In an album this is stronger. When we can see some albums we can observe these worlds. For some ones the important are the friend, for others the nature, the family, the happy moments, celebrations, sometimes a lot of things in the same time, or in different times, this doesn’t matter. But for others, the important is themselves.

I really don’t believe in right and wrong. I don’t know what this is and I don’t believe this exists. Perhaps there are the right, the wrong, and the entire world between one and another. What exists is opinions, believes, values… in this case, about pictures, I prefer pictures like the yours, with you, of course, but with friends, with nature, your family, the places you were, and in a lot of them, mostly you are not there, I mean, you are not there explicitly, but you are in all of them.

About pictures, you know, for me the most important pictures, the most beautiful pictures I saw in all my life are not in paper, or computer, or film. They are just inside me, in my memory, in my heart. You know, you are in the most of them. A lot of important moments in my life I just could take picture with my eyes. These pictures have image, color, and they have also perfume and taste.

Bea, in your next letter, please send me a picture of you. I know you have already did this, but is so nice can carry you with me during all my day.

I ask to one angel fly until you and protect you, I’m so far.

Good night!

Saint Paul, October 20th, 2009

2009-10-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

B,

I’m so glad today. I received your letter! This was wonderful! I read and re-read it several times. You’re right, it’s exactly like that. When we write to someone we love this is so easy, we feel free to talk about everything, because we know that the other is listening to you.

I was thinking now, we have to write more letters and less electronic messages. Electronic messages are useful to small texts, to schedule meetings, advices, these kinds of subjects, almost professional communication. But letters are different. In a letter you worry about who is reading it. Differently of the electronic messages, in a letter the focus is not who is writing, but who is reading. We write to say something, of course, but to know about the other one.

Other big difference that makes letters special is you just can receive letter once a day. If the postman come and don’t bring any letter to you, I’m sorry, but now you have to wait one day more, or two, or three, or one week. When you write and send your letter, you don’t know when the letter will arrive, but you know that piece of paper, the same you’re touching now, will arrive in the hands of that person you love.

This is amazing, girl. I realized that in some days you will touch this same paper I’m writing now. And you will be able to keep this piece of paper with you forever. This is magic for me.

I guess I’m a kind of excited today; I’m not focusing in anything. My mind is going and backing and a lot of things passing through it in the same time, but I’m enjoying this flow today, like a stream, where I’m standing calmly feeling the water passing, some leaves, but I don’t mind, I just want to feel the water in my legs. I’m like this now, just feeling a lot of thoughts and ideas and feelings passing, passing, but I don’t mind, I don’t catch any one, I’m just here feeling this moment.

I guess this is because I have a lot feelings to feel, a lot of thoughts to think, and they are so diverse, I prefer do not choice any, just stand silently. You know, all happiness bring a little of sadness inside, and all sadness have some reason to make us happy. We just have to be able to see this. Seeing the beauty where everyone just sees the ugliness, this is the wisdom.

I don’t know why I’m talking this stuff, but… perhaps you know…

Take care, little girl

Saint Paul, October 19th, 2009

2009-10-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hi B!

After so many clouds, so cold days, finally the sun is back. Since yesterday, the weather is so nice. It’s a good day to write to you, a good moment. Now it’s 4:30pm and the sun, the temperature, the colors of the trees, I guess every nature are so beautiful, I just could think about you.

Since last Thursday I didn’t write to you. I have to confess, I was missing writing to you. Yes, I mean exactly this; I was missing to write to you. Of course I miss you. I miss you a lot. I guess you don’t have idea how much I miss you, this is not news. But today I was missing writing to you; I was missing stay here during this time talking silently with you.

This morning in the class we studied about perceptual constancy. To summarize this is our tendency (as animals we are) to see objects as having constant shape, color, or size in spite of changes. This drove me to a lot of thoughts. Always the environment change, every time the people are changing, but usually we don’t see these changes. One mother doesn’t see the difference in her child each day, but, after some days, or months, she realizes the changes, that child grew a lot. After some years, that child doesn’t exist, what is there is other person, an adolescent, a young man, a man, but never more that child.

I guess this is a nice thing. If we think that each day everybody change, that I never more will see you as I saw in the last time, maybe I become so sad. But we trick ourselves and we believe that nothing changes. Perhaps this is more comforting for us.

But I was thinking about feelings and relationship too. In the same way that I don’t realize if today you are some ounce lighter or heavier than yesterday, we don’t realize these small changes in feelings and in relationships. Sometimes this is so dangerous. As the mother when, after one month, realizes the changes in her baby, sometimes we just realize the changes in feelings and relationship after one month, one year, sometimes this is so long.

I know this is hard. I know we don’t have any rule to measure feelings everyday. But we have to be aware, mainly with those people and relationship that are expensive for us. I’m talking about our siblings, about our families, about those so rare and important people we find in this life who we call friends. Specifically I talk about your brother.

I would like you stopped some minutes to talk to him. You know, you have to be patient with him. He is just as everybody, as you, as me; a stupid guy who believes knows something. He has another problem; he loves you, as you love him. So, as he believes he knows something, he would like you do your life as he believes is correct, but, believe me, he just do it for your well. He really believes what he thinks is the best for you. If he didn’t mind about you, he wouldn’t say anything. He is just a boy. You and me, our parents, everybody is just a child in this life. What are 80 years in this world? What can we learn in so short time? We just talk about what we believe is correct, but this can be wrong, of course. So, talk to him. Say you love him; just this I guess is enough. Listen to him, as I guess is a good idea listen to all important people in our life. Those people we know love us deserve to be listened. But you don’t have to obey anyone, neither your parents. I’m sorry, but your life you have to decide for yourself. Who am I to say this? You don’t have to obey me too. I’m just worried about the time. It goes and goes and goes. It doesn’t back.

May I give you another advice? Don’t lose your innocence but take care. Take care with people who joke with it. Maybe it’s just a joke, but maybe they are testing the size of your innocence to know what they can say and you will believe. Take care with people who don’t take care of you. You deserve all attention. Remember you’re a flower, you need care. For sure, you’re strong, I know, but don’t allow anybody hurt you, don’t allow anybody don’t care of you as you need, as you deserve. Please, when winter, wear scarf, drink tea with honey, and take some vitamin C.

Bea, your letter not arrived yet. I was waiting for it but I’ll stop to do it. I have to write with no expectation of answer, but I know you’re reading my letters and answering in your heart. Some nights I have dreamed with your answers.

You are so far. I’m sending an angel to give you the sweetest dream tonight and always.

Take care, little girl

Saint Paul, October 15th, 2009

2009-10-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hi Beatriz!

You know, I thought to don’t write to you today. I’m waiting for some news about you, but you look like forget me. I’m writing everyday to you, but you don’t care. I know I can’t ask for some letter. But, at least one phone call, one message, anything, but let me know about you.

I know you will say we don’t need this kind of thing, because our connection is much bigger than this. I agree with you, I feel the same. During the day, I talk to you a lot, I show my life to you and I feel like you could really listen to me and see what I show to you. But sometimes it would be nice if I could know about you, if I could talk some minutes with you, if we could explicitly express what we feel.

Today I did a kind of stupid joke with myself. I tried imagining you like mother. I have to confess, I couldn’t. I tried imagining you pregnant, or breastfeeding, or singing some lullaby, or cherishing you baby. I swear I tried a lot, I used all my creativity, but I couldn’t do it. The only images I could see in my mind were those one I really saw. Mainly that one in the last time I saw you with that beautiful dress, in my birthday, do you remember? Sometimes, this was so strange; I saw one image you arriving in that room where I was waiting for you, you wearing your unforgettable blue sweater which your eyes reflected.

The saddest of this history is that sometimes it’s hard to me to remember your face. Usually is easier remember your voice, but your face is each day more faraway from me.

Let me talk about my lunch now. I can bet you can’t guess what I ate today. Churrasco1! Yes, you can believe. Here, in Minneapolis, I could eat an original gaucho churrasco. There were rip, steak, filet, chicken, all parts usually we eat in Brazil. There were not chicken hearts, this was the only faulty I remember now. I could eat polenta, manioc, rice and beans, fried bananas, and purée. It was really perfect. You know I don’t like churrasco so much, but after so much time, it was great. Now I remember other faulty, they didn’t have chimarrão2. You don’t mind how much I’m missing chimarrão, my faithful companion. Okay, I have already talked so much about Rio Grande do Sul3. It’s enough for today.

I hope one day you change your mind and write me some news. I know I promise but I can’t stop writing and thinking about you. I’m not sorry about that, this is like I am.

Now I’ll send a child angel to you, he has blue eyes, and he is transparent. You will be able to feel him, but you won’t be able to see him. He will be like that, like me. He won’t protect you, he will just make you happier, he will do you smile more times than usual, with a different happiness, that happiness we had together three lives ago, in the edge of that lake, do you remember?

Take care, my girl.

__________

1 Churrasco is a typical food of the south of Brazil, similar with barbecue.

2 Chimarrão is a kind of tea, mate.
3 Rio Grande do Sul is a state in south of Brazil.

Saint Paul, October 14th, 2009

2009-10-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

Hi Be!

Today is being a so nice day. I talked to a lot of people I love so much. Some of them by messages, others by internet, or MSN, or Skype, phone and one of them personally. Now, to complete my day, I guess I had to talk to you by this letter. So my day is complete. I talk to so many loved people, including you.

This morning when I arrived to campus I saw that a lot of water was falling from the roofs of the buildings. They tell me that water came from the ice that was melting. You know, it stopped to snow on Monday afternoon, and today, Wednesday, until midday, the ice was yet melting and letting the campus so wet.

I was thinking about this. Sometimes is exactly like that, we can stop to snow, but the consequences melt for long time. The skies could say they didn’t have any guilt to the water of today, but they had. The water of today was the same snow of Monday.

To some people snow means beauty, to others means cold, but snow is neither beauty, nor cold. Snow is just snow. Beauty and cold are labels we put in it. This is the same. I don’t know if you’re getting what I mean. But some acts we do are just that, nothing else. Sometimes the same occurs with feelings. Both are not good, neither bad, they are what they are. Like snow, they will stop one day, and after, they will melt. Maybe to remember, maybe as consequence, maybe like the only thing we have: the melting of the snow.

You know, English is yet hard to me. It is like walking in snow. I discovered that looks like the same, but it is different than walking in dry place. I almost fell on Monday. Sometimes I fall in English. You need to be patient with me. You told about earrings but in my stupid mind I understood headphones. I really don’t have two pairs of earrings to you, but you can come here when you want, you’ll be always welcome. If you want, I do a banana cake to you, for sure.

Yesterday I saw one monster in the street, and I remembered you. I would like to call you to you teach me how could I kill it. Have you already killed your monster? If not yet, my advice is to try to do it as soon as possible; the monster can grow and generate other monsters.

If you feel somebody is following you, you don’t need to look behind, it’s just an angel.

Take care, little girl.

Saint Paul, October 13th, 2009

2009-10-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

Hi Bea!

You know I’m missing you a lot. Now what I would like was to sit in some bar and order two glasses of wine and talking to you a lot. This could be in that cozy place we went together the last time we drank a wine and talked alone for long time.

If it was in afternoon, even with this cold, I would like to go to an ice-cream store close my house. For sure the ice-cream here is not so nice like the “best ice-cream of the world”, but that one now is so far in distance and in time. You know the past is always so far.

I don’t know if you gave me an advice. I don’t know if you did it consciously, but I followed it. I mean, I tried to follow it, I’m not sure if I really could do it. I caught my pure steel dagger to kill my love and I did. At least, I hope so. But, you know, people in the dining room are busy being born and dying.

How about the foods, and the songs, and your dances?

I hope you have enjoyed the last letter. More than this I hope you like to receive so many letters. Usually it’s a big deal, but I don’t know if this will be also. So I’m not sure if I’ll write everyday. Please, don’t be angry with me if I take some time to write. This can happen, but this doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I talk to you everyday.

Please, girl, take care.

How about the angel I sent to you. Did he help you? Today I’ll send another. This is just to protect your dreams and give a nice night to you.

Saint Paul, October 12th, 2009

2009-10-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

Hi Beatriz!

I decided don’t wait for your letter to answer. I decided to write to you now. I guess one of the best things in letters is the surprise and happiness we fell when we receive them. I hope the letter meet you happy and help you to be happier, at least for some moments.

You know, I guess today was the coldest day in my life. This morning it was snowing when I went to college. I had never seen this before, not so much snow; at live, in the skin, just in movies and for some minutes some years ago in Chile. But, like today, it was my first day.

They tell me this is nothing if I compare with what I will see in the next weeks and months, I believe them, today is October, 12th yet.

I don’t know if is always equal, but today the snow falls so light at noon. It was a beautiful scene. I said for some friends that God was making some candies and putting some powdered sugar, but his/her table is so big that some sugar was falling over us. The house and trees were so appetizing…

Your one cent is with me, in my wallet, all the time, together with your picture. I can say that today close to 1pm I was in a bus stop, it was so cold, it was windy and snowing, but something made me feel warm. I’m not sure exactly what was, but I just remember you that time. So I just feel cold in my ears, and nose. Inside I was so warm. It was in that moment when I decided write to you, I guess you had to know that.

This weekend I did a banana cake for some friends that were in my house. If you could be here it would be so nice, and I could receive you in my house with a tea and a piece of cake. Soon it will finish. I have just one more small piece and I will eat it before go to bed.

I can’t promise, but I’ll try write with more frequency. When I’m writing is like I was talking to you, and this is so nice. One letter to you, for me, it’s a big pleasure. This means some priceless moments alone talking to you.

Take care, girl.

I’m sending an angel to protect you when you need.