Letters to Breathe

Dear Carlos

Anon — Mon, 07 May 2012 14:35:17 +0000

She can live without you. I cant
She wouldn’t fight for you. i would go through war for you.
She thinks your “alright”. i think your perfect.

she listens to music that WE don’t like. She doesn’t like to have fun. WE always have a blast together. Shes holding you back. Im letting you go. i always tell you that im not ganna wait for forever. you understand. and you said that’s why you love me. as much as i joke around im the most reasonable person you have known.

Why are you with her?

and on the last day of school i will tell you how i feel. how i really feel. and if you let me. we will kiss.

I love you. your perfect. from your height to your eye to your smile to your body and to even your skin color. plus your not just some smart ass. your a geek. but you don’t look like one. You are so perfect Carlos.

She has something that i wish i had. and she has something that she doesn’t deserve.

Love,
Hialeah =]

Dear Rapist

Anon — Mon, 07 May 2012 05:29:53 +0000

Dear Rapist,

The incident happened six months ago. One month before my father almost died after falling out of his 25 ft tree stand and being lost in the woods for hours with two shattered ankles. And two months after I was hit by a Ford F-250 truck at college. Thankfully, my father and I both survived.

You were my friend. I heard bad things about you, but I defended you. My other friends warned me about you because you did bad things to other girls. But I didn’t believe them.

Until the night I saw you at the party. We started kissing. I was so confused, and so surprised. After you kissed me I remember saying “Wow. I can’t believe you just did that.” I was never ever even remotely attracted to you. It was clear that we were just friends. And then you asked me to come to your room with you. I told you that there was no way I was going to have sex with you, I told you that all I was going to do was go to sleep. You insisted that that was fine. I consulted with my friends, they said to go back with you. So I did.

Yes, I had drank too much, for sure. But no, I did not consent to anything that you did to me once we got into your room. You proceeded to have sex with me, AFTER I sternly told you no. Once you wouldn’t stop I demanded that you put a condom on, which you did. Even though I asked you to put a condom on, I finally realize that that was not consent.

It took me too long to finally forgive myself, and not blame myself for what had happened that night. For the longest time I beat myself up EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Feeling guilty for what had happened. Feeling like a dirty slut. The first month, thinking that I could be pregnant with your child! Or thinking that I could have contracted an STD from your disgusting body. Thinking that it was my fault for drinking, and my fault for coming back to the room with you. But finally, I am beginning to realize that all of that does not mean it was okay for you to have sex with me after I said no. Not only did I not say yes, but I told you no. More than once. And just because I didn’t use physical force, does not mean that you did not rape me. I thought you were my friend. I was confused. I was drunk. I never in my darkest dreams thought you could do something like this to me. I thought at first that maybe I was wrong. Maybe that’s okay, maybe that’s how some college hook-ups go. But, I fully understand that what you did to me was rape.

I am utterly disgusted to look at you, mainly because I know you think you did absolutely nothing wrong. I learn about the dangers of college and drinking and how date rape happens and now I know first hand how dangerous your ‘friends’ can be.

I don’t know what to do from here. You are a disgusting pig. Because deep down, I know I’m not the first and I’m sure I won’t be the last. Now the question is; do I want to sacrifice my reputation to save other girls from this pain and torture that I go through every night? The fear that you will some how get into my room, when my roommate is sleeping at her boyfriend’s place. The fear that when I’m walking home from my friend’s room late at night, that you are secretly watching me and are going to rape me for a second time. The fear, even when I go back to my hometown, that somehow you or someone else will take advantage of me again. I can’t even sleep. I stay up for hours until the sun comes up. I would not wish this fear upon my worst enemies.

Not only did you instill permanent fear into my brain, but I have zero trust in the male race. I don’t believe that I will ever find a man that I trust enough to see me in that way ever again. Because of you, I believe in no good men. I believe that all men want are sex, period. That’s how they are genetically made up. You sucked the youth out of me. I’m supposed to be a cheerful, young, beautiful women enjoying the last couple years of my college experience. But because of you, I live in fear. Fear that no one should have to live with.

Since I am a strong woman, and have gone through more challenges that most people can even imagine, I am ready to overcome this obstacle. I’m ready to discuss my experience with my closest peers. And hopefully make a difference. I want your reign to end, you need to understand that damage you’ve caused in people’s lives. Beware, my once called ‘friend’. Your rapist reign is over. Soon, I will be ready to talk to someone about what you’ve done to me. Soon, I will be ready to warn girls all around the campus about what you’ve done to me. That time hasn’t come just yet, but eventually; it will.

To the person I love the most

Anon — Mon, 07 May 2012 00:29:50 +0000

Dear Girlfriend,
I’ve tried so hard. You know I have. I’ve stuck by you through a months long sickness when we’d only been together for a matter of weeks. I stuck by you through years of stress, studies and competition when you often only had time for me in the odd corners and gaps in the week (or month). I endured a year apart on opposite sides of the globe. I have tried everything I can think of to make your life easier when you’ve been against the wall and fighting to simply stay afloat. I put aside anything I wanted to do in order to make sure you didn’t have to take on any unnecessary burden that I could take. Yet through doing that, you’ve come to see me as a spineless unmotivated waste whose jokes you don’t laugh at and whose attempts to help only make you angry make things worse.

I know this isn’t an entirely fair judgement. I know I kept my thoughts to myself in the hopes that they were just my own neuroses picking at me rather than confronting them and helping to solve things at the beginning. I know that you’ve tried to explain how you feel and I never got it. I can’t really explain why I never understood until now when things have drifted so far from where we were. I’m lost. I would give anything to bring things back to where you would smile and skip around the house when I was around or laugh, squeek or just lean up against me if we were close. I don’t know how to do this and I can’t keep things straight in my head to tell you.

A day in the life of Emily.

Anon — Sun, 06 May 2012 19:32:34 +0000

A boy changed my life.
He amazes me everyday. He’s a foster child. There’s obviously a reason for that. His parents are both drug dealers. So his life is a mess I don’t even know where to start. So when he was six years old he was raped by some man. He doesn’t know him, he told me that we would run away together and that one day he would find the guy and beat him up or kill him. I said I’d probably kill him myself if I found him. When he was seven he started smoking weed. So he was in grade 3. How terrible is that. He has been in 17 cop cars by the age of nine. He was in all those cop cars for; breaking and entering, under aged drinking, drug possession and a few other things that I don’t remember. All by age nine! To me that’s just crazy and I cannot wrap my head around it. He had to get money and go buy his own food and cook it too. His mother wouldn’t do it because she simply didn’t care about him. He’s been in the middle of drug deals and he told me there just like they are in the movies. He had a gun pointed at his head. I never really talked to him before this year but in like November we started talking and he told me all about his life. It’s absolutely insane. I never understood why he was so against drinking and going to parties until he explained to me that when someone is drunk they are not aware of what they are doing and neither are you. He also told me that you are more likely to be raped by someone you know rather than a stranger. I promised him I would never underage drink again… I broke that promise. Sorry. He is also suicidal and cuts sometimes. Last weekend he almost took his life. If he killed himself I honestly have no idea what I would do with myself I would probably cry for weeks and weeks. He is also bisexual but no one knows yet. Today my best friend was at school this morning and I knew something was wrong right away. She was sitting on the bench quietly not saying anything. I could tell she was gonna cry. One of he close family friends has breast cancer and she found out that it is incurable this morning. Susan is her name she is the nicest lady ever. My problems seem so small when I heard of there problems. I mean sure I cut, I’m suicidal, I suffer from depression and I feel as though my parents don’t care and they know nothing about me. So my biggest problem is my parents. They no nothing about me. I mean I live with them and everything just they know nothing about me. They don’t know that I cut, I’m suicidal and depressed. They know that I’ve drank before but they don’t know that i drank so that I would become numb and forget about everything. One time I drank and almost died, sometimes I wish I had died. They don’t understand or even ask me about my life. They don’t make an effort to be involved in my life. I always wish that I could tell my mom stuff about my life and I wish I could tell her about the boy I like and my friends and all the silly things we do but she doesn’t seem to care. Plain and simple. When I have a problem I run to my friends or the internet, but I wish that I could run to my mom. I wish that she would ask me about my day and if there’s a boy I like. I wish that I could cry out loud and that she would hug me and tell me that everything would be okay. I cry only at night in my room but no one knows. I have mastered that silent cry, no one ever knows. I just feel so alone and lost in this big huge world. Your mom is suppose to be the one person who comforts you when everything goes wrong, your supposed to depend on her for advice. I feel like she raised me until I was in grade 4 and then she let me go. She still has rules about what I am and am not aloud to do but other than that she is not a vital part of my life. I’m 14 I shouldn’t feel so much pain, pressure, stress or loneliness. I just want to be good enough to love. I am the bad kid. My brothers never got in so much trouble. I just want to make them proud and I want to be able tell my mom everything and I want them to love me. Is that to much to ask for? I guess so. Sorry for being so selfish.

To Me, From You

Anon — Sun, 06 May 2012 15:11:00 +0000

I’m writing this to myself. Because I need to get these things out of my head.

Because you never said goodbye, or sorry, or even gave me warning that we were done.

Because I wish I could hear any of those things. I wish you would talk to me.

But I can’t sit around and wait. And I can’t pretend that I’m not thinking about you.

So here goes,

I’m sorry that I stopped talking to you. I’m sorry I dragged you along and made you fall for me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t explain what was going on. I’m sorry I left you stranded in the middle of a depression you clearly noted. I’m sorry I couldn’t rely on you or tell you how I was feeling. I’m sorry I introduced you to my sister who would have probably become your best friend if I hadn’t taken off.

I know we’re supposed to just be casual, but I can’t pretend that I don’t see you feeling more. And I can’t figure out how to talk about that so I’m just going to go. Because you deserve a little more than I can offer right now. And because it’s obvious that you have a lot of figuring out to do. It’s the best I can do, to just let you return to the life you had before I decided to attempt to be a part of it.

And I promise to be as invisible as possible. Even though we have the same best friends, you’ll never see me again. Except on Facebook. And you’ll probably think of me when you see my sister’s name on your news feed, or you run into them while you are working. But i want you to know that I won’t remember you in a few days. And that you didn’t mean anything more to me than just a couple of good nights and days that definitely felt like they could be the start of something good. At least, for you. For me, it was just sex.

–From Me, To You

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Ragdoll.

Anon — Sun, 06 May 2012 01:24:21 +0000

P.S (I struggled with the “Post Category.” I love you, but I don’t know myself well enough to decide if I’m in love with you. You tell me you’re in love with me; but I think you’re in love with a chance to let yourself free. I’m okay with that, though.)

Dear Friend, but maybe something more.

I’m like a ragdoll to you. I’m there with you, in the background somewhere. I’m dragged along on your journeys, and my presence comforts you a little bit. You can tell me things, and no one else will have to know.
I watch everything. My eyes are sharp glass buttons, and they miss nothing. Every little sign; each individual character. Within your words there is a scream for help secreted underneath fake cheer; hidden in the tiniest detail. My glass button eyes cut through them all and I see what’s underneath.

I’m useless, like a ragdoll in a cot. I’m there, but my words don’t make it to your ears. My eyes cry for you when you won’t allow yourself to, but I won’t let you see; glassy buttons always shining happily in the hope that they’ll spark through the dim in yours.
My body is soft, and my face always smiling for you, but I can’t even offer you my hold as comfort.
You’re wrapped away in your snowy blanket in a far off land, losing yourself to haunting dreams of dark. I can see you cry, but my skin of cotton and my muscles of stuffing can’t move. Can’t touch you. Can’t reach you do do even a single, simple thing about it.
I’m so useless.
The stitched smile I wear does nothing for you- but it’s all I can offer.
What I wouldn’t give for you to be happy. To be honest to yourself, and be truly happy without chemicals pulsing their way through your mind and failing to “cure” it.
What I wouldn’t give to patch up the broken stitches in your mind and make everything better for you again, like you deserve.
I’d make beautiful embroidery, and patterns of colour. I’d make you see the beauty of your own mind.
But you won’t let me in that far.

I take on a little bit of your pain, though you don’t realise it, and even this small amount seems too much for my small ragdoll body. But I take it, because any help I can give you I will.

You destroy your body. You damage it so that it matches the innards, so that it releases some of the inky black in your veins, so that maybe someone will SEE and save you.
Why can’t I save you?
Because I’m a ragdoll. You are beautiful and broken, and I’m a ragdoll.

It isn’t fair.
I hate it.
I hate HIM – he stole everything from you.
I love you – so take everything of mine.

Please. Rip my seams out string by string, and use my stuffing to soak up the black ink you drown in. Leave me a pile of plain fabrics and needlework – I don’t mind.
Steal my stitched smile and wear it proud and honest.

Look at yourself through my button eyes, and love yourself as much as I do.

Sincerely,
Ragdoll.

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To My Estranged Uncle

Anon — Sat, 05 May 2012 16:24:18 +0000

To my uncle PJ, who is dear to me,

My father is your brother. My mother is your wife’s sister (thankfully, they remain close). I was the first of my generation born into the family, and all four of those adults went for a walk with me in the rain when I was a baby– your wife made me a book about the event, including drawings, and the lyrics to a song about the event. I remember having loads of fun with you when my cousins and I were younger.

And, actually, we still do have fun, when my mom’s side of the family gets together every summer. I love you for the person I knew, and for the person I know now. I love how you were the witness at my aunts’ wedding. I love your wife, your son, and especially your daughter. Sometimes I feel like I should be walking on eggshells, but your words to me (and my brothers) are nothing but kind.

But here’s the thing. I’ve seen my dad cry twice in my life– once when his business, savings, mental health, and physical health were all crumbling at once. He was near tears many a time that year, but I remember him crying once. The other time was when we last discussed his relationship with you. I chided him for not doing more, but he insisted he’d called, sent letters, presents, apologized many times, and done everything he thought he could to salvage the relationship, the loss of which has obviously hurt him. Until I heard his voice break, and saw the tears, I hadn’t realized what I had been doing to him by nagging.

When family members talk about the things you say, or write in emails, I try to be deaf. Because I love you, and I can see the love in your heart. And losing your father, along with watching your mother’s Alzheimer’s, is terrible. But the years roll by, and I see so much more of your little brother’s pain and regret than you do. Please, please, forgive him. No matter what, it can only be a good thing.

I saw that you have the picture of me, as a 2 year old, in my Easter dress and hat on your Google+ page. Writing this has made me cry.

With much love,
Still and ever your niece
JE

Dear San Fran,

Anon — Sat, 05 May 2012 13:24:16 +0000

Came close to sending this to you,needed to get it off my chest but know it will ruin everything if I did.You became my closest friend,you have a way of getting me to talk about things I discuss with no one else,I feel safe and not judged with you, so now I’m trapped,I don’t want to let that go but at the same time it’s killing me inside because it’s become more than that for me.At first it was fun to just have a “crush” ,didnt think I’d feel that way again for someone after what I went through,was nice to feel alive again inside instead of just a shell going through the motions.You’ve shown me new things,made me interested in leaving my cocoon,I feel my old self coming back.I look forward to our talks ,you always have something funny to say or something to teach me, I like that you challenge me yet it makes me sad when you are hard on yourself and say things like no one wants you for their boyfriend,I want to blurt out how wrong you are and how much you mean to me,that someone in the world thinks you ARE the world but I know because it isnt reciprocal it wont have the same meaning to you,so I sit and I listen and I resolve to be your shoulder to cry on because it’s the closest I can get to you.

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To my love,

Anon — Sat, 05 May 2012 01:22:31 +0000

I have no one to turn to at this hour, the only person I could talk to went to bed. And now once again I’m alone. I’m hurting so badly, the pain seems infinite. My heart is heavy and all I want to do is cry, I want your love back, I need you with me. We both made mistakes, why can’t you just acknowledge and accept me? I want to work things out with you but you seem done. I’m scared of you. I was scared to do anything- to go out, to talk to certain people. I was scared to live part of my life because I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I love you. My thoughts keep drifting in and out of heartache and betrayal to love and longing for you to lay by my side again. You cheated on me with two girls, and you denied it. You came home to me, lied in bed with me, made love, kissed me, held me, comforted me & all the while you’d cheated. You hid things from me. You totaled a very expensive material of mine*that I won’t state*. You talked shit about me behind my back. You told me I’m stupid, worthless garbage. That I’m a stupid slut. That I should kill myself. That you hope I get hit by a car. And I screwed up when he and I kissed when I should have been with you, I should have never went in the first place and stupidly I forgot that I told you I wouldn’t go anymore. So I’m sorry. My heart hurts so bad, my body is tense, and every thought sends me to tears. I miss you . I love you. I love you even after all this. My mistakes, yours. You aren’t replaceable. You are my only one, my love, my sweet. My baby. I still love you. I always will. How sorry or pathetic I sound doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is being with you again although you made it very clear that won’t happen. But I can’t give up on us, I won’t give up the one that I love. It hurts, it kills me, it pains me, and all I feel aching for you. Please, please come back to me. I have never felt the love I feel for you with anyone else. I want to spend the rest of my time here with you. I want to be your good girl and be there when you come home. I want to be yours. Without you I’m restless, hurting, dead. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I have never in all my most painful situations ever dealt with these effects.. and it’s because there is no one that could hurt me like you, and no one can take that pain away.. but you. Baby love, please come back home, without you I’m nothing more than an empty thought wandering in my abyss of hurt.

Dear Marley

Anon — Fri, 04 May 2012 18:22:29 +0000

Marley,

In my selfishness, I wish you were here right now. I miss you so much. I can’t express my gratefulness for your life. From the moment I saw you, you changed me and who I was to become. You taught me so much, and more is being revealed at this point in my life. I remember picking you up from that awful pet store. You were so cute, so full of life and happiness. I picked you up in my arms and instantly felt the unconditional love that you were.

I f**ked up though. I was ungrateful and not ready to receive all you had to give. I was an angry kid just trying to figure myself out. I thought I knew who I was, I was sure of it. I obviously didn’t know that I couldn’t imagine all the work that was still there to be done. “More will be revealed in time”, right? I took you for granted and looked at you as a dog instead of my best friend.

After years of abuse and not only emotional but physical, I started to see why you were in my life. I started to see no matter how hard I hit you or how much I yelled at you, you still looked at me with love and passion for our relationship. I don’t know when I decided to start seeing it, but my life changed forever. It just seemed that one day you were just a dog, and the next, you were my partner. I hated leaving you at home. I hated you not being with me. I think it was when I moved out of my moms house was when I really saw the passion I had for you. I remember no matter how long I was gone even for a minute, you would greet me like I was a long lost family member. I loved the way you would run to me wagging your little nub and butt along with it. You would give me the biggest kisses and pee all over the floor in excitement. You were so happy you couldn’t control your bladder. It still makes me smile now.

The care and concern you had was overwhelming, from the kids to protecting your mom that day in the drive-thru. When I wasn’t there, you knew your roll and you lived it perfectly. I always knew that I could count on you to be loving, kind, and give your life for the people we loved. You don’t know how grateful I am for that.

Moving up to Seattle with you was the best and most memorable time I have with you. You were so flexible and understanding. You didn’t care where you were as long as it was with me. When I was gone on business, you wouldn’t eat only because you didn’t know when your partner was coming home. You felt so much. I can’t even imagine how big your heart really is. I would lay down with you and hold your head in my hands and just enjoy you. I love hearing your heavy sigh when you were laying on your papasan. You were so real. I could count on my hands how many times you barked in your life but the many sounds you made to express the way you were feeling is amazing. I knew you were trying to communicate but I wasn’t advanced enough to know what you were saying.

I still think about how many fun trips we had at the dog park. You were so great with other dogs to. You would always run over to a group of dogs that were fighting to break them up. I thought it was to be a part of the fight, but I know now that you were the mediator, the Alfa. No matter sun, rain, or snow we had a great time out in the city. You especially loved eating your fair share of snow. We had so much fun. Even though it was inconvenient to take you out sometimes I still loved our time together. You were so awesome I could just walk you without your leash. The trust we had for each other got so deep.

The day you passed was one of the most confusing days of my life and definitely the hardest to date. Your mom woke me up with a loud yell calling my name, I can still hear it. I rushed out to see you struggling to breath on your chair. I picked you up and laid you on the ground. I pulled your tongue out to see if you were choking. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. You stopped breathing and I panicked. I started pushing on your chest not knowing what I was doing. It sounded like you were trying your hardest but I wasn’t doing enough to help. I am so sorry I didn’t know how to help you. I am struggling with that to this day. We rushed you to the hospital, but by the time we got there, you were gone.

That day left me with so many questions, so many thoughts. I cried for weeks over the love I lost and the hole I felt inside. You were the one that taught me to be a man, to be a human. You showed me how to love with your being instead of your mouth. So many lessons to be learned, I wish I had more time. Your memory will survive with the compassion and unconditional love that I will pass on to others. Those were the 7 best years of my life.

Though you are gone, I still feel you walking by my side. When I walk by other dogs they get overly curious, making me think they sense your presence. It makes me so happy to know you are always close by. You are my guardian angel, my teacher, my companion, and my eternal friend. I will never forget the impact your life made on mine and how that will forever change who I am.

I love you like a son. My kids will benefit from me passing your gifts to them. I know we will meet again and when we do I will expect one of your amazing butt shakes and overwhelmingly warm hugs. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. I miss you like crazy and love you unconditionally.

Constantly working on myself,

Your friend

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