Letters to Famous People

2007-02-12T10:51:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

I don't know how many people are still hoping I update this blog, but I feel I must for one important update.

YouTube has started cracking down on user accounts ~~because Google is their bitch.~~

YouTube has yanked my account, the one that contained the video with Mariah Carey drunk and singing "Heartbreaker" (that was formerly seen in this post).

I have no plans of uploading the video on another site or through another YouTube account.

I apologize for this inconvience.

Penny Woods

Re: Letter of Resignation

2007-01-23T16:12:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

As of today, I am officially retiring from this blog.

I enjoyed working on this blog for the past 11 months, but I do not have the desire to work on this blog any more. I really do not think I will come back to this blog, but if I do, I'll try to let people know in advance.

I'm sorry I had to end it like this. I apologize.

Yours,

Penny Woods

Re: The uproar in Philly

2007-01-12T19:40:00.000-05:00

Dear "Artie,"

I heard that you gave the majority of Philadelphia a heart attack when you said a seven year-old sexually enticed a 40 year-old crackhead into having sex with her instead of accepting the belief she was sexually assaulted.

I understand how you feel. It must've been hard growing up as a seven year-old gigolo enticing the ladies with your sexually suggestive Michael Jackson moves growing up. No wonder you worked with Wendy Williams!

Penny Woods

(Pic always from Ms. Special)

Re: Those darn Aspen teenagers!

2007-01-07T10:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Mimi,

Dahling, it goes without saying, but you shouldn't be talking to a bunch of teenagers while drunk (let alone drunk with a champagne flute in one hand).

Especially when one of them sneaks a camera in a (something) and the video somehow finds its way to a Portuguese-speaking person on YouTube.

Here's hoping Wikipedia doesn't change your biography just yet,

Penny Woods

(Video found at Cele|bitchy)

2007-01-04T16:31:00.000-05:00

I really, really wanted to write about the stupidity that is the recent investigation of Tyrese beating up his pregnant girlfriend and Busta Rhymes being arrested for being a dumbass...again, but I couldn't bear to harm their fragile little egos this evening.

As you may or may not have noticed, I have (finally) condensed my blogroll. If you do NOT see your link up here and you would like to be added to this blogroll, go through the nightmare that is my Blogger profile and e-mail me. I accept most requests.

Warning: this is not an invite to send me your stupid spam e-mails telling me I should buy some godforsaken product or visit some commerical website.

Thanks,

Penny

PS: Regular posting (if there is any regular posting) will resume next week.

Re: Kids Rap Radio

2007-01-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

Dear Matthew Knowles,

Few pieces of music have brought me almost to tears.

However, the samples on the Kids Rap Radio MySpace made me almost cry.

I'm not saying that your music is actually inspiring enough to make a difference in my life. I'm just saying that a innuendo-free version of T.I.'s "Why U Wanna" where a kid is "rapping" about snacktime is actually worse than anything the Kidz Bop franchise has ever put out. I am only happy to see you reach this milestone.

Congratulations!

Penny Woods

(Pics: the Kids Rap Radio MySpace, Ms. Special)

(Source: crunk and disorderly)

Re: Your twins

2006-12-23T10:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Sean Combs,

I know most of the world has seen this video, but I've just seen it this morning. (My life in the past few days has been hectic. I've had no time to sit down and actually watch dumb YouTube/Myspace/whatever videos, let alone gossip.)

So one of your twins will end up jackin' classic '80s songs just like you while the other one will grow up to be an outlaw, or, even worse, a chopper maker. That's nice.

Penny Woods

P.S. Happy holidays to all my readers and happy new year!

Oh, and happy holidays to you, Mr. Combs. Don't get flattered, okay?

2006-12-13T02:07:00.000-05:00

Good evening, all!

I know this hasn't been a banner fall in Letters. I had so many things to do in my real life that I just couldn't write letters about stupidity every day (or every other day).

This is a heads up to let everyone know that regular posting will be suspended until January. I'll try to leave a post every so often, but don't expect regular posts for a few weeks.

That is all.

Happy holidays and happy new year!

Penny Woods

Re: Port-A-Potty Advertisements

2006-12-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

Um, India.Arie?

Judging by the date on the toilets, it's already too late, but you may want to hire a new PR person.

I'm just sayin'.

Penny

(Pics: copyranter, Ms. Special)

Re: Porn Star?

2006-12-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Mimi,

I love you, dahling, but I feel I have to address this matter and not let it pass me by (unlike this because I'm done dealing with idiots like this woman).

For years, no one's compared you to a porn star, let alone Mary Carey.

Now you're afraid that if Mary Carey trademarks her name, you'll be confused with a porn star.

Next thing you know you'll be convincing Janet Jackson to sue Janet Jacme and going on the Tyra Banks Show to chastise Mary Carey for using a similar sounding stage name...only to have Mary Carey not listen to you and release yet another porno (someday).

Yours,

Penny

(Pics: Mariah Daily, Ms. Special)

Re: Eh...

2006-12-05T17:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Andy Dick,

I've stopped caring about idiots like you. Have a nice day.

Penny Woods

(Pics: The Superficial, Ms. Special)

Re: Chemically Imbalanced

2006-11-28T17:16:00.000-05:00

Dear, er, um, ~~Atlanta's First Embarrassing Rappers~~ Ying Yang Twins,

I know this is for your new album and all...

but, you know, you and I live in America and we have this little thing called "political correctness." That means you can't technically attempt to look like an Asian and abuse a pagoda and the ying and yang sign for an album called Chemically Inbalanced or an Asian rights group will be up and down your dumb asses.

Yes, I know your name is the Ying Yang Twins, and I don't want to know how you came up with the name. I've seen enough of you after your MTV Cribs episode and when Monique was hosting the BET Awards and called you out for being...well, stupid.

Wait, why am I telling you about political correctness? You two probably can't even spell political correctness!

Penny

(Pics: Crunk and Disorderly, Ms. Special)

Re: Don't do it.

2006-11-28T16:48:00.000-05:00

Hi, Akon!

I know we just talked yesterday and all, but I think I need to talk to you again.

Word is according to the SOHH Atlanta blog is that you're filming a reality show with your three wives.

Let's analyze this rumor about your decison to do this reality show together, shall we?

This is not Senegal, stupid. We don't have a "family code" here. It's either monogamy, nothing, or being arrested because of polygamy. It's as simple as that.
No one will pick this show up for national television. Except for maybe A&E, if they ever need a follow-up on this special.
Speaking of, you were born an American citizen and you've lived here for a long time. Why claim you're solely from Senegal? I think this just might defuse your argument of "I'm Senegalese! I have the right to marry three wives because I'm from Senegal, yay!"
And don't give me that "I'm Muslim! I have the right!" excuse either. You can be a good Muslim and not have more than one wife.

I hope that clears up your problem.

Good luck escaping from the law in a few months!

Penny

(Pics: UniversalUrban.com, Ms. Special)

Re: Your lawyer

2006-11-27T15:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Fabian Basabe,

The New York Post reports that your lawyer, Mark Jay Heller, thinks that NYC police arrested you unfairly for recent drunk driving charges as well as for a suspended license in 2005.

Your lawyer even has the audacity to claim that the cops arrested him only because you've been in the Page Six gossip section for a while.

Considering that your only major contribution to society was being in E!'s Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, may I suggest that you get a lawyer with at least half a brain?

Penny Woods

(Pics: NY Post, Ms. Special)

(Found at A Socialite's Life)

Re: Your three wives

2006-11-27T15:33:00.000-05:00

Hi, Akon!

Just saw your new video on TRL while finishing the letter below.

I immediately thought of this.

Come on, Akon! This is America! You don't say you have three wives openly in America! You're supposed to move to Saudi Arabia first. Then you can say you have three wives under Muslim law, stupid!

Penny Woods

(Pics: Top of the Pops [BBC], Ms. Special)

Re: The "Apologize to African-Americans Because I Don't Want My Career to Suffer More Than It Has Already Tour"

2006-11-27T14:48:00.000-05:00

Okay, Michael Richards,

I didn't want to write another letter on this again, but I feel like I have to.

You're still on the "Apologize to African-Americans Because I Don't Want My Career to Suffer More Than It Has Already Tour." You're even citing the "some of my best friends are Black" defense. We've heard it all before.

You're also claiming that young white people will be influenced by popular entertainers to say the N word.

Um, shouldn't you have thought about that before you tried to deal with those hecklers at the Laugh Factory?

Personally, I've never known a white person to call anyone around me the N word, but I'm going to assume there might be some lost souls that use the word.

And, um, Kramer, some of these "entertainers" use the N word to make fun of people who do use the N word. Other entertainers feature people on their shows that sadly use the N word because they're intolerant. And I've never seen or heard someone go, "Hey, white people! It's okay to use the N word!"

I think the best thing for you to do is to quit while you're ahead. You can't justify what you did at the Laugh Factory because other people said the word well before you were born, let alone before that Laugh Factory tirade.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Awave.com, Ms. Special)

Re: Read the sidebar, y'all!

2006-11-21T02:08:00.000-05:00

Let me repeat something that I put on the sidebar recently: NO COMMENTS PROMOTING ANY WEBSITES.

And when I say ANY, I mean ANY.

Links to Blogger profiles are okay as well as linking a blog through Blogger's wonky commenting system. But promoting a website through the body of a comment is not cool with me.

And H. Lewis Smith, I didn't say "Bury that nigger," Michael Richards did. I was using his quote in relation to my post, and I hate that he said that. I would never use the "n-word" (or its variant found in rap songs) on a regular basis. Think about that the next time you try to promote your book on my site. If you want to apologize, I won't accept an apology in any form. Go promote your book on Amazon, dummy.

Penny Woods

Re: "He's a nigger!"

2006-11-20T17:49:00.000-05:00

To He Who Will Be Forever Known as Kramer:

Finally caught that "performance" you did at the Laugh Factory, and, um...ooh.

It's obvious that you need help with your alcohol consumption. In this day and age, basing part of your (unintentional) act on Mel Gibson's anti-Semitic tripe (even if it was unintentional) is not cool.

Once you do get the help you need (for your alcohol and your racial insensitivity), you may want to audition for Last Comic Standing. Granted, you may not want to look like Chris Porter (or take it a step further and actually look like Chris Porter as Willy Wonka), but you can take a tip from him and learn how to dismiss a heckler with grace while keeping patrons in their seats.

Yours,

Penny

EDIT: You're apologizing on Letterman tonight, supposedly. That's a step in the right direction...but honestly, when you call hecklers "niggers," you blew it from the moment you said the word.

(Pics: Awave.com, Ms. Special)

Re: A message for Jim Jones

2006-11-17T15:03:00.000-05:00

To Jim Jones:

No one's going to take you seriously if you put out a diss track dissing Jay-Z on top of the original Jay-Z diss track, which was originally your song about whatever tired rap cliches you could cram into the the song and video for "We Fly High" and defend your Christmas album by claiming that "there's no soul" in Christmas. At least in New York, anyway.

Didn't you hear about how bad Christmas on Death Row was?

Oh, guess not.

Penny Woods

(Pics: HipandPop.com, Ms. Special)

Re: "Insulting God"

2006-11-15T12:33:00.000-05:00

Fergie, honey,

You should think before you open your mouth.

You said this to Vibe magazine:

I may not have the type of voice you like, but I can sing. You can’t take that away from me, ‘cause singing is a gift from God, and when people say I can’t sing, it’s kind of like insulting God.

I hope that's a misquotation and that Vibe/MSNBC screwed up in transcribing your quote.

We all know that whenever you sing or attempt to rap, you are directly insulting God, who is clearly telling you to stop singing/rapping/whatever you actually did with the Black Eyed Peas.

Penny Woods

(Via Stereogum)

(Pics: AskMen.com, Ms. Special)

Re: The "Hip-Hop Helen of Troy"

2006-11-10T12:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Carmen Bryan,

I wanted to write about this when I first saw it on Nah Right, but I was busy doing other business.

You claim on the cover of your latest book that you're a "Hip-Hop Helen of Troy."

Really?

You're claiming that you were kidnapped by some rapper (I assume Jay-Z) because Aphrodite said that you were the most beautiful woman in the world, and because of this kidnapping, rappers, choosing between Nas' side and Jay-Z's side, fought over you for 10 years until Nas made a Trojan horse and slaughtered all of Jay-Z's followers? That's what I assume with your "Hip-Hop Helen of Troy" misnomer.

According to this synopsis of the book at Amazon.com...

From a clandestine relationship with Nas's biggest rival, Jay-Z, that stirred up the biggest feud in hip-hop history, to seeing her reputation in tatters and a once loving relationship with Nas fall apart...

I think you should retitle your book to accurately reflect the content found it. How about It's No Secret I'm a Whore: A Woman that Slept with Nas and Jay-Z Who Thought She Sparked Their Feud Tells All? It's a much better title than the original book, and you wouldn't be confusing people who may want to actually purchase this book to have something to start a campfire with.

Penny Woods

(Pics: Amazon.com, Ms. Special)

A e-card screencap for Britney Spears.

2006-11-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

Text:

You finally dumped your nasty-ass husband!

And since I didn't want to regurgitate what everyone else said on their blog, I decided to give you an e-card because you deserve it.

Once again, congratulations!

Penny

Card from BlueMountain.com.

Re: Sorry about the short notice

2006-11-07T00:58:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

As you can see, I've just started a MyBlogLog community for readers of my blog (and blog alone). I was inspired by Juicy to do this since she recently did the same thing. The direct link to the community: http://www.mybloglog.com/buzz/community/letterstofamouspeople/

I desperately need to change my bookmarks to add and take away some of the links on this blog; I will do that soon as well and add the MyBlogLog link as well. Don't worry, though; I'm not closing down the MySpace unless something terrible happens to my account on MySpace. If you don't want to create a MyBlogLog account, come hang with me on MySpace.

Yours,

Penny

Re: Need a warm baby bottle, Junior?

2006-11-03T15:00:00.000-05:00

Kanye,

You've done it. You've finally done it.

I've completely removed Late Registration from my hard drive. I'm also taking off any song that features you rapping on it. I'm subscribing to Byron Crawford's blog ASAP.

Why? Your dumbass comments about losing Best Video at the MTV European Awards to Justice vs. Simian, now available online through the miracle of ~~YouTube~~ iFilm (now without French commentators!) (Thanks to ONTD.)

Instead of being happy for Justice and their innovative remix of a Simian song as well as its video, you had the audacity to claim that you deserved an award just because "Touch the Sky" cost $1 million (well, according to you) and it had Pamela Anderson--the two elements that make any music video great!

Spending huge amounts of money on videos does not make them great, asshat. Watch a BET music video block--it's filled with videos that should have had their production costs donated to any charity not sponsored by BET or any of its personalities.

You know what? Keep whining about how special you are and how many awards you think you deserve to win. In 10 years you'll receive the greatest award of all: The Nobody Remembers My Whiny Ass (Male Hip-Hop Artist) Award at the Nobody Cares Awards.

Penny Woods

(Pics: the "Negro please" section of Roc-A-Fella Records, Ms. Special)

Re: Worst Halloween Costume Ever. Maybe.

2006-11-01T20:26:00.000-05:00

Um, person that is supposed to be married to Britney Spears,

I know you had a show last night in LA where people booed you, but I'm perplexed by your sorry Halloween outfit.

It's just like that weird thing that Paris wore to some Halloween party, except it's even more confusing. What are you supposed to be, eh? Lestat as a rapper? Count Van Winkle? Or just a guy that can't rap wearing a stupid cape because he figured out that being himself is the worst thing he could be for Halloween?

I'll have to say it's the latter. With lyrics like "Dudes hate K-Fed/Girls love K-Fed (oh, really?)/it don't matter to me because K-Fed stay fed" and sucky Amazon.com sales (don't even ask if you're on iTunes' Top Albums list), despite lame attempts at promotion, I'd be embarrassed to be myself too.

Penny Woods

(Pic: DListed)

(Partially inspired by this Cele|bitchy post; even has link for original source for K-Fed scan link)