Letters to Lauren: Reflections From One Sister to Another

My Life in Phases: Phase 1

2013-03-01T11:34:00.001-05:00

3-1-13

Lauren,

Good morning! Well it's a new month, and with the new month brings a new post with a new concept. Talk about a lot of new, right? Life is all about new changes, new times, new people, new experiences....I think you get the point. You're only 14, but have you ever thought about where you'll be in 11 years when you're my age? I know I did when I was younger. I would find myself sitting there wondering what I would look like, what my job would be, what kind of friends I would have, if I would have a boyfriend or not, etc. . . And now that I've reached 25, I can't help but wonder what life will be like when I hit 40. I think it's just a part of growing up.

But while I often wonder what the future will be like, I also take the time to think about my past. It's not good to dwell on and live in the past, but it is a good thing to be able to look back at it and learn from it. I do this all the time. I've definitely had my fair share of accomplishments and screw ups in the past, and if it weren't for both the positive and the negative, I would've never been where I am today. It's kind of like I've lived my life in phases. Let's talk about the first phase. . .

Phase 1: I would say this was from the time I was born until the time I was 12. These were probably the most innocent, most child-like years of my life. I spent my first six years living out in Eden with Mom, Dad and Chrysta. I spent my weekends in Delaware with our grandparents (this was when my love for and addiction to coffee began). I spent time with Mommom Ruark, too, but unfortnately due to my age at the time of her death I really don't remember much about her. Life was pretty simple back then. The only traumas I had were busting my forehead open, breaking my collar bone and the horrible haircuts that Mom gave us back in the day. This was a time when I almost met some of my dearest friends. Megan and I became friends in the 3rd grade. I met Emily, Jessica and Katy in kindergarten. When we moved to Snow Hill in 1994, I met Andrew, Katie, Brittany and Michaela. These were the good old days.

But with the good there is always bad. I began to learn about loss, too. Multiple cats that I owned were hit by cars. Mommom Ruark, as I mentioned before, died when I was 8. My best friend in elementary and middle school, Sam, moved the day you were born. And oh yeah. . .you were born. While I didn't lose you, the thought definitely crossed my mind as you entered the world and had both of your lungs collapse. But despite such great losses, Phase 1 of my life really wasn't all that bad.

So I challenge you to think about this a little. I know you're only 14, but there has probably already been some dividing line in your life when you transitioned from one phase to another. I will take a guess and say this transitioned happened when you entered the foster care system. What have you learned from that transition so far? I know Phase 2 of my life definitely wasn't easy, but I'll save that story for next time.

Keep your head up, girlie!

Xoxo,

Meghan

In the Spirit of Love

2013-02-22T14:28:00.002-05:00

1-29-13

Lauren,

Last year for Valentine's Day I wrote myself a love letter, and I've decided to do it again. This year I am at a completely different place as a person, and so I'm curious to see how I've changed. I've decided not to read last year's letter until after I've written this one. So here it goes...

Meghan-

Happy Valentine's Day! First, I want to say that I am proud of you. At 25, you might not be were you always thought you would be, but honestly you hadn't really given it that much thought until recently. You have made great strides in the last year. You've really narrowed your sights on school, you've become even more dedicated and determined in your work, you've removed certain negative influences from your life (such as alcohol and certain people), and overall, you seem very focused on bettering yourself. I am proud of you for that.

I must say, I love that you have found your happy, silly, positive outlook on life again. Things are so much better now that you are smiling and laughing again. You are more motivated, and you are opening your heart again. Things are much better now that you have let that icy, cold wall around your heart melt away.

I love that you never give up. In fact, this is what I love most about you. You have been through a lot of crap. You have had points in your life when you thought you couldn't go on. But you always found a way to look up. You climbed your way back up when other people said you couldn't. And most importantly, you found yourself again.

I love that you are humble, that you are generous and that you are open-minded. You will be able to help many people with these traits. Never give up on yourself or the people around you. If you continue down the path you're currently on you will be able to do a lot of great things.

Keep your head up, girlie.

XOXO,

Meghan

Greet Them With a Smile

2013-01-31T21:00:00.002-05:00

1-29-13

Lauren,

Let me tell you about this dude I met over the weekend. For now, we'll call him Ted the $20 Dude. This guy taught me another valuable lesson (or more like reminded me of a lesson), and I'm going to share that lesson with you.

Ted the $20 Dude was visiting where I work with his wife and daughter. There was nothing that really stood out about Ted. He was probably in his late 40s, had the typical "dad belly," and wanted a drink to calm his nerves after a long day. So he came up to the bar and started talking to me. I, being my normal self, listened and responded when appropriate.

Then Ted, after talking to me for a bit, told me about how his vacation wasn't going the greatest and that he always seemed to have "bad luck." He thanked me for being nice to him. And he told me multiple times that he'd bring me a cash tip the next day. I didn't really expect him to, but I said "Okay, no problem" and continued to talk to him until he left the bar.

The next day Ted came back to the bar again. I said hi, smiled and asked if his day was getting any better. He told me a few things and then said "I told you I'd be back with this," and tossed a $20 bill on the counter. He said thanks again. He told me how much it meant to him that I was nice, and that he could tell it was a genuine part of my personality. I thanked him again, and then went about my day.

So here's the lesson of this story: you never know who you'll meet and how your actions will affect them. You may meet someone like Ted the $20 Dude who is having a rough day and simply needs someone to be kind to him. It's like the Golden Rule says, "Treat others how you want to be treated." Not only is it rewarding for the person, but it can be rewarding for you, too. It is a great feeling to know that you helped someone to have a better day.

So, I hope you take this to heart. It may be cheesy but it's the truth. Treat others with kindness and respect, and try to greet them with a smile. You never know who you'll meet :)

Keep your head up girly!

Love,

Meghan

You've Got a Friend in Me

2013-01-22T20:56:00.000-05:00

1-22-13

Lauren,

As I lay here with my laptop in my lap, my new earbuds in my ears, and Jimmy Eat World's "23" playing on my computer, I find myself thinking of yet another thing to write about. Gasp! Two posts in two days?! . . .yeah, I thought you might say that. Sometimes the inspiration comes and goes, and other times it comes and it stays for a while. It's all part of being a writer. But anyway. . .

So today I had a whole day off with NO plans whatsoever. For me, that is simply unheard of. I spend most of my days at work, and when I'm not working, I spend most of my time in doctors' offices. But today, I spent the day at home. I cleaned my room (kind of). I did the dishes. I did some laundry. Basically, I did fun adult stuff (okay, maybe not fun, but definitely adult chores. Blah.). But as the day went on I found myself getting antsy. I'm still going stir crazy now. But I've kind of given up on the fact that I won't be going anywhere today. These kinds of days tend to put me in a mood. I haven't had too many of them lately where I've been so busy, but today of course I came face to face with that mood.

As you and I have been talking about quite a bit lately, people change and friends grow apart or move as you get older. Best friends become old friends, and new acquaintances become best friends. It's just a part of growing up. I've had the same best friend for as long as I can remember. She has been my rock, and she becomes more and more important to me as we grow older. I truly cherish the fact that she and I have been able to make our friendship endure so many years of craziness and hardships. She is a friend that I know I will keep forever. Of course, I have other friends that I have known forever. Unfortunately, for one reason or another, these friends have become distant and I don't get to see or talk to them as much as I'd like to. And then there are the friends that you just have to let go of. I've had a few of those, too. They are always in your memories, and probably always will be in your heart, too, but for one reason or another you just can't stay friends with them. And so tonight, as I sit here with nothing to do and no one to hang out with, I am reminded of how few true friends I am left with these days.

Now just because I am alone right now, it doesn't not mean that I am always alone, and this post is not meant to be a depressing one. It is just what it is: the truth. People grow up, they move away, they change, they find new friends, and you are left figuring out who to keep around and who to let go. I hope you are always surrounded with great friends. And I hope you realize that just because you may lose a friend or two as you get older, it doesn't necessarily say anything negative about you. It is just a part of life.

I will always be your friend, even if you annoy the crap out of me! Keep your head up girly.

Love,

Meghan

Choices, Choices, Choices

2013-01-21T21:28:00.003-05:00

1-21-13

Lauren,

Yes, I know it's been a while. That's not to say that I haven't thought about writing. I have, trust me. But thinking about something and doing something are two completely different things. Obviously, I didn't do anything. But that was a choice I made, and here I am four months later finally choosing to bust something out. Am I writing because I feel obligated to? Nah. Am I writing because I missed it? A little. Am I writing because I still want to leave me legacy and words of wisdom for you? Most definitely. I may have slacked on this project for a while, but I think that subconsciously I was choosing not to write because, quite honestly, I didn't know what the heck was going on in my own life for quite some time. And if I don't even know what I'm doing to myself and why I'm doing things, then how can I help you and tell you what to do? It's something to think about.

It is a new year, not only in a number sense, but in many other ways as well. I am now 25, and have been for 13 days. Each birthday starts another year for me. It is also a new year for our country. Today, on Martin Luther King, Jr Day, Barack Obama was sworn in for his second term as President of the United States. Normally I would watch the inauguration (I'm a sucker for the speeches; what can I say, I love words), but today I was at work and without a TV, and so I could not watch it. Of course, the first thing I did when I got home today was to find his speech on the internet and watched it. Speeches like these always get me thinking. And thus, here I am writing to you.

After listening to his speech, I was reminded of one major thing. In America, we all have the opportunity to make choices. We get to make major choices, like voting for the president, picking what college we go to and naming our children when they are born. Then we get to make smaller, every day choices as well. Some of these choices could be like what clothing we wear for the day, how we do our hair, what to eat for dinner and what radio station we'll listen to on our way to work. But just because these choices are smaller, it does not mean that they are any less important.

If I have learned anything from all of my shambles and celebrations over the last two years or so, it is that the choices we make as individuals mean everything. Often, we take this freedom to choose for granted. We don't think about what could happen as a result of our choice. And when this happens, negativity can often find its way into our lives. Trust me, I have learned the hard way more than one time in my adult life, and even as a teenager. You must think before you make a choice.

But choices aren't always about materialistic things, either. We make a choice in our attitudes every day. We decide to look to at something as a positive thing, or we decide to be negative towards something. Often in America, we hear of the daily battle between Republicans and Democrats. Trust me, I'm not trying to make this political, I'm just using them as an example. One would hope that as our leaders that they would look at a situation, and rather than seeing it as one side versus another, they would CHOOSE (there's that word again) to work together towards a common goal of bettering lives for the American people. But unfortunately, more often times than not, individuals make the choice to let politics and power get in the way. We as individuals tend to do the same thing in our own personal lives. Rather than choosing the well thought out, positive path, we choose what seems nice at the time only to find out later that it would end up costing us in one way or another.

As you get older, I hope you keep this lesson in mind. Think about the choices you make. They often end up defining who you are as a person, even if you don't necessarily intend for them to serve that purpose. Your choices build your life, so I hope you make strong, good-minded ones so that your life may be a positive one.

Love you!

Meghan

Know Yourself

2012-09-10T09:57:00.001-04:00

9-10-12

Lauren,

Hey. Today's lesson is about knowing yourself. If there is any one thing that I think it is absolutely important to know, it is to know yourself. I don't mean knowing your favorite color, knowing your favorite snack, or knowing what your favorite band is. . .any of your best friends should be able to tell you that. When I say it is important for you to know yourself, I'm talking about the little things, and noticing what makes you "tick" and what doesn't.

Some things you'll figure out as you get older, but why not start now? Notice things that make you happy, things that make you sad; notice if a certain situation makes you uncomfortable, or if a certain person makes your emotions go from one extreme to another. Notice when your body feels healthy, and when it doesn't. These things are important to know, and if you start noticing them earlier rather than later, you'll learn how to better deal with them.

I have always been very observant of myself and others. Several teachers and adults have told me that I'm observant and "wise beyond my years," so to speak. That's why I know something is up with me lately. I don't feel like myself. The things that normally make me smile, and even the things that normally make me sad, don't really affect me at the moment. And my body. . . .well I feel like my body is waging a war against me. First it was the surgery seven months ago, now it's acid reflux, or my hip, or any of the other fifty gazillion things ailing me. But now that I've recognized those things, I can work on them.

You know what really bothers me, though? When you tell someone something about yourself and they say "Oh, you'll change your mind one day," or "That's silly...why would you say something like that about yourself?" Because I know myself, duh! This is another reason why it's important to know yourself. . .if you grow up letting other people tell you who and what you are, you'll never truly figure it out for yourself.

So. . .start today. Know yourself, and learn who you are. It'll make you a much better, stronger person!

Love,

Meghan

I Haven't Forgotten About You

2012-08-26T20:27:00.003-04:00

8-26-12

Lauren,

Long time, no write! It's not that I've been slacking...I've been doing anything but, trust me. I worked my butt off this summer. . .three jobs, friends, and family to keep up with: that can take up quite a bit of time. That's not to say that I didn't lose focus, though. As work started, and things got crazier, I lost my motivation. I have that back now.

I have so many things that I could write to you about, especially after this summer. If there has been any time in my life that has tested my willpower, and my overall sense of self, this summer has been that time. And thank goodness I have not lost my will to write. I've said multiple times lately that I went to school for nothing, that my degree is doing me no good. But then I get back on here and I remember why I love writing so much. You've got to have something to keep you grounded, and this is one of those things for me.

So for now, I'll leave you with the promise of more letters. And, the promise to tell the next part of your story. Some stories do have happy endings, and so far it seems that yours is going to be one of them. As always, keep your head up girlie!

Love,

Meghan

PS- Good luck with your first day of high school tomorrow!

Hello, Again.

2012-05-24T09:51:00.001-04:00

5-24-12

Lauren,

Ahhh. It has been a while since I last wrote for you, almost a month exactly. I am truly sorry for abandoning this during that time, but there are some times in life when you just have to let something sit and breathe for a little bit. Guess I needed to give this a chance to breathe.

It's kind of hard to come up with something "profound" to write about everyday. Especially when every day feels like the last, and life becomes mundane, as mine has seemed to lately. I've found that I'm investing myself in work after being out of it for so long during the winter. I've finally found that energy and motivation again, and it has kick-started itself for sure. What motivates you? And when you get that motivation, how do you channel it?

I've always been very ambitious, an overachiever of sorts, and a control freak in certain areas. When I get ideas, I usually stick to them hardcore, hardly ever letting anyone change my mind. Look at my college career for example; I chose to major in English, and stuck to that all throughout college. Not many people can say they did that (Now whether or not that was a wise choice is a whole other topic). Despite my few hiccups with this, I've pretty much stuck with it since I started it. And now, here I am with three jobs, as crazy as that sounds, but I'm determined to work through it even if it means sacrificing a few things.

I'm going to try to keep writing more. It may not be every day, but I'm still here, and I don't plan on going anywhere any time soon.

Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Love, Lose, and Love Some More

2012-04-25T09:34:00.003-04:00

4-25-12

Lauren,

Hey. I want to talk to you a little about love. Love is a broad topic, so let me narrow it down a bit for you. I'm talking about the sappy, boy-meets-girl, romantic movie kind of love. At 13, you probably don't know much about this kind of love; I know I didn't at your age. But trust me, one day you'll find out.

When you're older and finally have that moment where you're like "Hey, I really LOVE this guy," it'll be one of the best moments in your life (well, usually, unless he doesn't love you back. . .that's a whole other letter topic). I had a moment like this. It happened right at the end of my high school career. You probably know whow I'm talking about, but for his privacy I'll leave him nameless.

Loving someone and being in a relationship can be a great thing. I had a lot of fun times and fond memories with this person. It can also be a great learning experience, too. You learn a lot about yourself as part of a couple, but you learn a lot about yourself as an individual, too.

Of course, with love comes loss. This is almost a given. This is what really sits heavy on my mind today. On what would've been a big milestone, I'm forced to face what I have lost. It's kind of bittersweet because on one hand, it was a great loss, and a terrible one, because that person meant a lot to me. But on the other hand, that loss opened the door for me to discover so many great things about myself as an individual. I hate to say it, but you'll probably figure out what I mean someday. I just hope that if you do, you come out on the other side as a better, stronger person like I did.

So today I'll probably take a little time to remember. But then I'll also take time to remember why it ended, and how that got me to where I am today. I love who I am now, and as they say, until you can love yourself, no one else can.

Love,

Meghan

He-Said, She-Said

2012-04-17T08:28:00.002-04:00

4-17-12

Lauren,

Hey. It took me a while, but I am finally back with a new letter. Sometimes you just have to take a break from something before you can get any new ideas and move on with it. That's what I had to do with this. Sometimes the thoughts just come to me, other times I have to sit back and wait for them to show themselves.

Today I come back with an interesting topic, one that you would think would die as you get older. But rest assured, gossip and drama never die, not even with age or maturity. No matter what you do to get rid of it in your life, it will find a way back in. It can be through something someone else said or done, it can be because of how you react to something, it can be because it was fabricated for someone else's gain. Either way, drama never dies. In the past few days, at 24 years old, I've found myself tangled up in something like this. It's not the first time it's happened (I am a girl, and as a girl, it happens a lot). In the past, I might have been the one to start it, unfortunately. But in the past few months I've buried anything or any relationships that had caused me the "need" for drama. It's very peaceful. So how, you might ask, have I found myself in the middle of something lately? He-said, she-said stuff. I'm telling you now, stay away from it. It's no fun.

I think how we react to things, like drama, partially defines who we are as people. It's a thought I've considered greatly over the last few weeks, and care to discuss more in depth at another time. How do you react to drama and gossip? At 13, I know it's got to be prevalent in your everyday life. Learn from me and my friends. Don't spread rumors, don't start stuff, and don't be the bully. It's nothing you should be proud of.

Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Solitude

2012-04-01T11:37:00.001-04:00

3-31-12

Lauren,

Life can be a little overwhelming sometimes. It's not rare that people get caught up in their everyday routines, and all together forget what it's like to enjoy a little solitude every now and then.

I've found myself enjoying quite a bit of solitude lately despite the hustle and bustle of my everyday life. For me, this is a big accomplishment. It wasn't that long ago that I found myself restless and unable to cope with the quietness of being by myself. Back then, if I even spent one day at home by myself I would find myself searching for some way out of it, contacting any friend I could to find some peace. Here I am today, though. My best friend is out of town, my phone sits silently next to me, and I am able to sit here and write in a quiet house. And I do this all knowing that I have no plans ahead of me for the day. It's kind of a great feeling.

People aren't just overwhelmed by everyday routines, though. They are also swamped with emotions, and those things that cause those emotions. This is the thing I find myself dealing with again. The stresses that come with things like responsibility, health and friendships are all things that I am facing right now. I wouldn't say that I'm exactly struggling, but it I don't deal with these stresses in the right way, I may find myself overwhelmed and consumed by them in the future. Know what I mean?

I hope you are able to enjoy some solitude like I have been able to lately. Every now and then we need a little time alone to remember who we are, and to do those things that, by ourselves, keep us grounded and in the right place.

Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

What Went Wrong?

2012-03-31T11:17:00.004-04:00

3-31-12

Lauren,

Pre-warning you now: this letter is a little "deep," so bear with me.

Sometimes I look at you and Chrysta and wonder what went "wrong" with me. Let me explain. Chrysta, although she's not always had the greatest relationship with Mom, is fully capable and willing to tell our parents and other family members that she loves them, or can even give them a hug with no second thoughts. Then there is you, the "baby" of us three girls. You're the same way as Chrysta, and still have a strong relationship with and a deep affection for our parents. You have no problem telling us that you miss us, and still say "Mommy" and "Daddy," both of which have a loving and affectionate connotation to them.

And then there is me. Meghan, the oldest child. The one who has a problem saying "I love you" to family members, the one who feels weird hugging her parents, and the one who cringes when her parents call her a name like "honey" or "sweetie." That's what I mean by what went wrong with me. It's like I lack that fundamental gene that is needed to express positive emotion to someone in my family.

Besides the things I've already mentioned, there are other things that are strange to me, too. I think I've mentioned it before, but I can't buy a serious card. I just can't. And I've often had this thought: If I ever get married, the idea of the father-daughter dance just weirds me out. Let's not ignore the fact that I haven't said "I love you" to Mom or Dad in years probably. Or the fact that any positive attention, or negative attention for that matter, from anyone usually makes me want to hide in a corner. So again I ask, what went wrong?

The only time I felt comfortable saying "I love you" or randomly hugging someone was in The Long-Term Relationship (this is its new moniker). And then that ended. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to do something like that again, either. Pretty much the only person left that I can show affection towards is Megan, and she's my best friend. . .

So I don't know. . .this is something I've often pondered, and so I thought I'd share it with you. I hope you never get to this place. It makes for a lot of uncomfortable, awkward moments. I am working on it, though, so I guess that's all that matters. I love you!

Love,

Meghan

Back to the Past

2012-03-27T21:54:00.005-04:00

3-27-12

Lauren,

Ever hear someone say something like "Things were so much easier when we were kids," or "I wish I was in high school still when I didn't have to worry about adult stuff?" It's true, those times were a lot easier in so many ways. There were no bills, no pressures about getting married and having kids, and no stresses about where to live.

Me as a toddler with no worries!

Yes, those times were nice, but sometimes people spend so much time and energy living in the past that they don't get to live in today. You're probably wondering why I'm talking about this. I found a quote by Audrey Hepburn today that I really liked, and it got me thinking about all of this. It says:

"Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering- because you can't take it in all at once." - Audrey Hepburn

It would be nice to live a fun-filled life where all I worried about was homework, but at the same time I have experienced so much and learned many things as an adult. As Audrey Hepburn talks about, living is about trying new things, making mistakes, and creating new memories. You look back on those memories, learn from them, and move on to make new memories.

Lauren, you're at a very important point in your life right now, and what you're going through is an experience that you will probably never forget. Learn from it, but don't dwell on it. If I were to dwell on all the bad things I've been through, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Learn from it, become a stronger person, and then move on to the next new memory.

Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

I'm an Older Sister?

2012-03-26T14:30:00.002-04:00

3-26-12

Lauren,

It's the weirdest thing, but I'm just now starting to feel like an oldest sister. I don't know why it took me 23 years to finally feel that way. . .maybe it's your age, or the fact that Chrysta is engaged and has a kid. Either way, it's a strange yet refreshing feeling.

I think it kind of hit me the other day when I asked you about your best friend. When you told me it's a boy and that he's 15 I was like "Whaaaat?!" I guess that instinctive older sibling protective vibe kicked in and I actually noticed it. It made me feel old. My little sister, who is ten years younger than me, is old enough to make me worry about her and boys. . .I am old!

But all jokes aside, it is a weird thing being an older sibling. As I think I told you before, I never really cared about being the oldest, or really ever gave it any thought until now. Now that you're old enough to start making some big decisions I am going to worry about whether or not you'll make the right choices. I'm going to worry about how I influence you. But, you are a good kid, and if you're anything like your older sisters, you'll be fine. :)

Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Transitioning

2012-03-25T17:24:00.001-04:00

3-25-12

Lauren,

There are a few moments that define us in life, and then there are those times that we change and transition without even realizing it at first. It usually takes a little while to see the change, and when you finally do it's like "Hey, when did that happen?"

This subtle change that I'm talking about has happened to me a couple of times in the past few years. There was the change in my weight which gradually increased throughout college.

When I finally noticed it, I couldn't believe I had let it slip past me. Then finally I did something about it, and now today I'm more aware of my body and how I eat and take care of it.

There were other changes that sneaked up on me, too. These were more attitude and life-outlook changes than they were physical. In my serious romantic relationship that I spent years in and working on, I realized one day that my views on marriage and children had changed. That change became part of why that relationship ended.

Recently I noticed another sudden change in me. I feel more calm, not necessarily a peaceful calm, but more like I'm finally settling in and giving into "me." These past ten months or so have been a struggle for me, trying to figure out who I am and what my purpose is in this big world. And finally, I feel like I'm finally making it to the other side of this "fog" that's been clouding my mind lately. It's a good feeling.

As humans we should always be changing and evolving into better people. The moment we stop changing we've either given up or become perfect, and no one is perfect.

Love,

Meghan

I Need a Vacation

2012-03-21T13:22:00.001-04:00

3-20-12

Lauren,

Hey. Sometimes when I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling I'll go on to Google and search for quotes that provoke some type of thought within me at that moment. Today was a day to search for quotes. While on my quest for the "perfect" quote, I found one that said:

"Vacations are not about 'getting away'- but about getting in 'touch.'" -Chinese fortune

This quote really struck a chord with me today. With all the stress I've been under lately, and with summer right around the corner, I can think of nothing more than taking a vacation. Things have been so crazy, and my thoughts have been so jumbled and foggy lately, that the idea of getting away from it all is SUPER appealing.

While it would be nice to be able to put everything behind me for a few days, perhaps i am feeling a little "out of touch" with myself lately. Back in the fall after going through counseling all of my thoughts and feelings were extremely clear and easy to comprehend. But here I am months later, and those things aren't so clear anymore.

Do you ever feel this way? If you do, I hope you know how to cope, and that it doesn't last long. Keep your head up! I know I'm trying to.

Love,

Meghan

Infatuated

2012-03-20T21:38:00.002-04:00

3-20-12

Lauren,

Let me just take a minute, or a whole letter in this case, to drool over Gavin DeGraw a bit. Just in case you didn't know, I'm head over heels for the guy, and I've never even talked to him before! On my angry days, his music calms me down. On my sad days, his lyrics sing to my heart. On my happy days, his voice makes me even happier. How could there be a more perfect man?

I've always been a sucker for guys that can sing. I highly doubt that I'll find a guy that can sing, though, so looks like I'll have to settle for YouTube videos of Gavin DeGraw performances for now. I can spend hours in front of my computer watching his music videos and learning how to play his songs on the guitar. I'm obsessed. . .I'll admit it.

I hope you're having a good week so far. I'm already looking forward to Friday. But until then, I think I'll relax and listen to some music :)

Love,

Meghan

Here's his newest music video, "Sweeter:"

Smallest Good in the Biggest of Bads

2012-03-19T22:34:00.001-04:00

3-19-12

Lauren,

Hey. You probably noticed, but I'm still pacing myself a bit here lately with these. During my little break from writing letters, though, I have been taking some time to think about stuff, and to find both the good and bad in every day. So let's talk about one of the good and bad things from this past weekend. . .

Saturday night I lost my voice. Gone. Out of nowhere, too. The only way I could talk was to whisper, or to take the time to text whatever I was trying to say. It was annoying. If you know me well enough, you know that I love to sing. I like to talk, too, but singing is something I have to do pretty much every day, and if I can't, well I'm one sad Meghan. And so, there I was. . .St. Patrick's Day weekend, no voice, and I couldn't sing. So sad :(

I am me, though, and somehow I still manage to find humor in everything, even the sad things. So of course, between my friends and I, we definitely found some humor in my lack of voice. Walking into Walmart yesterday with Megan and Emily, I found myself trying to laugh. Between the laughing making it worse, and the fact that my vocal chords were all out of whack, I ended up sounding like one of the Chipmunks while I was laughing. And of course, this led to more laughing. The cycle was endless.

This is something I've been trying to do lately: finding even the smallest good in the biggest of bads. If I couldn't and didn't, I'm not quite sure where I'd be right now. Things have been rough lately, as you can tell through my lack of letters, but I push on. Hope you're doing okay. Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

A Bit of a Let Down

2012-03-15T19:49:00.001-04:00

3-15-12

Lauren,

Hey. I was going to give myself a few more days away from this to think about things to write, but then you called me today and I needed to vent somewhere, so why not vent on here. First, you did nothing wrong by calling me. I just feel bad because I haven't been able to come to the visits lately, and because I can't come this Saturday to have dinner with you. I know you probably already feel let down so much, and now I'm letting you down more by not being able to see you. I know I'll get to make it up to you in the near future, but at the same time it just sucks that I can't be there on the one day that you ask me to be.

I feel like a bit of a let down in other ways here lately, too. I feel like a let down to my roommates because I haven't been able to pay rent on time from where I was out of work after surgery. I feel like a let down to my friends because every time they ask me to go out somewhere with them, I have to say no because I need to save up. I feel like a let down to myself because I still haven't started grad school searching, even though I told myself I would have one picked by February. Things have definitely been a little rough on me lately, and strong as I am, there are times when they finally catch up to me and it all just spills out. I'm sure everyone has moments like this. It would be unusual and not human to never feel sad, disappointed, angry, etc. . .having emotions is part of being human. But it's knowing how to deal with them and how to learn from them that makes the difference.

I will definitely see you soon. I know our situation is not ideal. And I know I can't always be the big sister I'm suppose to be. But hopefully that will change one day soon. Love you. Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Unsure

2012-03-11T19:24:00.002-04:00

3-11-12

Lauren,

Hello. I'm not sure if you've noticed lately, but I'm slacking a bit in the letter department. I think I have an explanation for this, or at least a better understanding of why I haven't been able to write much lately. One, I just don't know what to write anymore. It's not that I'm running out of ideas. I just don't feel like I have going anything in my life lately that is really worth writing about.

I would say life has felt a bit "empty" lately, for a lack of a better word. I'm finally back to work, which is awesome, but everything else seems to be changing. More and more often lately I find myself wondering about the things that used to be so solid for me. One major thing is my friends. This is one of the hardest parts about growing up. People change, and so your friends change. My friends that I have had for years all of sudden feel very distant to me, and I find myself turning to newer friends for the stuff I would normally go to my BFFs for. This definitely bothers me. I'm trying to accept the change, but that is never easy.

Thank goodness I'm still sure of myself. That is about the only thing I can be sure of these days. Jobs change, friends change, guys come and go, but I know who I am and so hopefully, as long as I work at it, I won't ever lose that. I'll try my best to find worthwhile things to write to you about. I try to look for the good and bad to tell you about, but sometimes it's just easier to focus on the bad because when it's there, it's usually screaming in your face.

Keep your head up! I know I'm trying to keep mine up, too.

Love,

Meghan

I'm a Stubborn Girl

2012-03-10T14:15:00.000-05:00

3-10-12

Lauren,

I am one stubborn person. Add to that the fact that I am also very determined and ambitious, and well, I can do some serious business if I really put my mind to something. Depending on what my motive is at the time, the outcome can be something great. Or, it can simply be something silly, like buying something that I've been wanting for some time.

Here lately, I've been pretty stubborn and pretty determined when it comes to a couple of things. One, I've recently convinced myself that I'll be getting a new piercing and, gasp, a tattoo somewhere in the near future. I've always been the one to say that I never want a tattoo because I'm too chicken and it would hurt, but here lately I find myself wanting one more and more. The more I think about it, the more I'm determined to do it, painful or not. When I first said I wanted my tongue pierced I told myself I would never get it done because it would hurt. But then one day this past summer I was sitting at Jamie and Kenny's house in North Carolina and I was like "You know, I really want to get my tongue pierced." I kept saying it over and over again, and I ended up getting it done later that day. I've been doing the same thing lately with the tattoo. The more I think about it, the more I want to get it done.

I'm also being stubborn lately when it comes to a certain person. This person drives me crazy, and now I'm telling myself I'm going to ignore them for a while. I think that's all I'll say about this for now. . .I'm sure there will be more to come later. This is when being stubborn is silly. But hey, it is me, so what can I say. . .

Either way, I don't think being stubborn/determined/ambitious is necessarily a bad thing. It helps me to get things done. This is not to say I'm always this way. There are days when I'm the complete opposite and don't feel like doing anything. But it's a good feeling to know that I can do whatever I put my mind to. I hope you can say the same!

Love,

Meghan

Pinterest= Addicting

2012-03-07T21:08:00.001-05:00

3-7-12

Lauren,

So I have a confession: I'm a bit obsessed with Pinterest. I don't know if you've heard of it, or if you have ever been on there to see what it's all about, but it's pretty neat. For someone like me who is obsessed with baking, shopping, hair and makeup, it can be just a tad bit addicting.

You should have seen Megan and I tonight; we were both sitting here, eyes glued on our computers as we scrolled through pictures upon pictures of dresses, cupcakes, and any other eye candy we could find. It really makes me want to go shopping, too. This is a problem, though, because I don't have any money. No money= no shopping. There are days when I really, really want a new dress, but I can't get one. And so what do I do? I make a new outfit out of clothes I already have. I don't know how many times here lately I've texted Megan to tell her that I have a new outfit and I didn't even go shopping. Pinterest might fuel my passion for a new wardrobe, and it might test my willpower to save my money, but it also gets my creative juices flowing, and that's always a good feeling :)

I hope you're having a good week! Keep your head up girlie.

Love,

Meghan

It's Been A While

2012-03-06T17:25:00.004-05:00

3-6-12

Lauren,

Hello. It's been a few days since I last wrote, and I really have no excuse other than that I don't really know what to write lately. It kind of bumming me out, too, because my goal was to do this every day, and yet here I am four days later with a new letter.

I feel like there is a fog around my thoughts lately. I'm not sure why, but I can never seem to quite fully get a grasp on what I'm thinking and feeling. Maybe this is because things have been so up in the air lately. I really don't feel like I have a grasp on my life right now, especially after being out of my one job for a month with the surgery and all. Things have felt a little strange with my friends; they've all seemed pretty distant. Another reason why I might not be able to write is because I'm not writing, if that makes any sense. I have so many thoughts going through my head and instead of getting them out into writing, I'm hoarding them in my brain. Probably not a good idea.

The only things that haven't changed as of lately are my determination to exercise as much as possible, and my constant need to dance. I am doing pretty good with the exercising. This week is getting a little busy, so I might not be able to go out and walk/run as much as I have been, but I'm still going to do it when I can. As far as dancing goes, well I dance whenever and wherever I can (I'm sitting in my chair bouncing around and dancing as I type this). I dance while doing the dishes, alone in my room, when I go out with my friends, in my car. . .you get the idea.

I hope things are going okay for you. Wish I could see you more. Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

Random Would Be the Right Word

2012-03-02T10:14:00.006-05:00

3-2-12

Lauren,

Hey there. I know, I know. It's been a few days since I last wrote. I have an explanation for that. See, with all this nothingness going on around me lately, I don't feel like I have too much to write about. And everything I could write about, well it all seems very trivial. For instance, I dyed my hair again yesterday. Not too much knowledge that you can pull from that, right? Right. I did learn that if dye is kind of burning your scalp and bleaching your fingers that you might have gotten something a little strong, but that's beside the point.

I haven't had too many experiences that I could really learn from as of lately. I've been dealing with a lot of the trials that come with being single (I know, sooo difficult right?), but they're starting to repeat themselves so I'm not really learning much from it. In fact, being single is really starting to confuse me a bit. When someone tells you to call them, and you don't call or text them for four days, why do they feel the need to call you? They should get the hint. Same goes when you tell someone that you're probably going to end up hurting them. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to save these guys some heartache and headaches. I really don't get it.

Another thing I haven't been getting much of lately: hours at work. It's been a month since I had surgery, but I wasn't able to work for a while, and so hours at work have been scarce for me lately. I finally get to go back to my one job this week, though, so I'm pretty excited about that. And I got a call yesterday saying that I might be able to pick up even more hours than I had originally thought, so I'm pretty excited.

If I wasn't the positive person I am, all this nothingness would probably put me in a bad mood as of lately. Thank goodness I'm able to notice the small things that make me happy and make me smile. I put a quote on my Facebook lately that kind of reminded me of the whole thing. It's one of my favorites. It says:

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde

Everyone has down times, crappy times, sad times, but there are some of us that choose to look up and focus on the positive and more beautiful things that happen with each day. Hopefully you can learn to do this one day. Keep your head up!

Love,

Meghan

My Natural State

2012-02-28T17:32:00.000-05:00

2-28-12

Lauren,

Last night I decided to take a picture of myself sans makeup and with wet hair, and then put it on Facebook for the world to see. This isn't something I'd normally do, but here lately I've been trying to love the "natural" me more and more. If I can't love the natural me, then who can?

I've really gotten into makeup the last few months, especially eye make up. It's always fun to play with new colors, and to see what works best with my pale complexion. But at the same time, I hate the way my skin feels suffocated when I wear a lot of make up. Usually at the end of the day I want nothing more than to go home, wash it all off, and to go back to my natural state.

Do you like the way you look? As girls and women, this is one of the things we struggle with the most: our self-image. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with mine lately; I hope you can be comfortable with yours one day. It'll take some work, but you'll get there one day!

Love,

Meghan