letters to my darling

A Special Thank You...

Thu, 12 Feb 2015 23:55:00 -0700

… to all of you, for joining me on this journey! I’m always so filled with gratefulness when I think of this community who have encouraged me in the loneliest times, or messaged me with a “me too!” when going through spiritual valleys. Thank you for being the hands and feet of Christ in my life.

Spoiler alert: Since it’s been exactly 4 years since I started this blog, I am going to give my wonderful fiancé Daniel the link to this blog as a Valentine’s Day surprise. It’s still a bit unreal (in the best way possible!) that he will no longer be my “future husband” in a short few months. We’re getting married on June 27, 2015 in an outdoor wedding with the mountains, big blue sky and our loved ones around us. If you want to read our story, please message me and I’d be happy to send you the link.

The other inevitable spoiler alert: I won’t be writing any more letters for him here, but I’ve been considering the idea of starting a collaborative writing project on what it means to “bring Heaven in”, to our workplaces, schools, friendships, families and the “poorest of the poor.” I’ll post updates here, and I’d love it if you could join us in writing about what it means to participate in Love changing our world. Email me (below) if you’re interested!

Re-read letters? Some of my favourites can be found HERE.

Keep in touch: I’d love to hear from you! connienoelle (at) me (dot) com

With gratefulness, hugs and love,

Connie

1461. [four years later: 2011-2015]

Thu, 12 Feb 2015 23:36:00 -0700

1461. [four years later: 2011-2015]:

My sweetheart,

Words fail me when I try to describe my thankfulness for the past 4 years. I’ve grown to experience a new kind of intimacy with God - the kind that is filled with freedom, joy, laughter and fullness of the person I’m created to be. I learned about being enough through the gut-wrenchingly painful longings of singleness, but also your sideways glances - full of love - where the sides of your eyes crinkle up.

God taught me about trusting Him in seasons of abundance and seasons of supposed poverty. He reframed my outlook and taught me that even when I think I don’t have enough, He is still overflowing my cup with His abundance. I’m learning to always live in abundance, not scarcity - in giving, in love, in time with friends, in being the Body of Christ in a hurting world.

I am always adequate, not because of my own merits, but solely because his perfect adequacy shines through my inadequacy. Because of His adequacy, I can be imperfect and vulnerable, and know that He will catch me every time I fall. Because you’ve also consistently show me His kind of love in my weak, fragile and mean moments, I want to continue showing you this imperfect self for all the years to come - stretch marks, wrinkles, greying hair and all.

4 years later (to the day!), I feel as though I’ve grown enough for a hundred lifetimes and yet nothing at all. God and I have gone through so many seasons - of celebration, of dryness, of grief, of blessing - and yet He is always the same, constant and faithful in our lives.

I remember the moments of praying fervently for you before ever seeing your face, writing these letters down, and trusting God in the process, not (necessarily) the outcome. I remember when I knew so clearly that I needed to ask you to coffee, because you and I talked about Him so similarly. I remember talking about marriage seriously those first times and reminding myself to be strong and courageous, lean into discomfort, and be vulnerable about how much I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

I have so many memories of His faithfulness, but the chapter of writing these letters to you are coming to a close. In a mere 4 months, we’ll be making memories together as husband and wife, partners in doing His Kingdom work, lovers, best friends, and lifelong students of each other. I’m beyond excited to grow and change with you, pursuing God, as we walk hand in hand through the rest of our years together.

Love is patient, love is kind.
Love does not envy,
is not boastful, is not conceited,
does not act improperly,
is not selfish, is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
Love finds no joy in unrighteousness
but rejoices in the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.
1 Cor 13:4-8

With kisses, love, and unending hope,

your future wife

1376. [#blessed]

Wed, 19 Nov 2014 22:05:00 -0700

1376. [#blessed]:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

My love,

God used 4 months of not working to restore a broken and tired soul. It’s been a difficult few months as I held firmly to trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV)

I learned to depend on Him every day. I learned to say, “God, you are good, and I trust you” when I checked my bank accounts, and I learned to say it as I gave. I learned to repeat it over and over to myself when anxieties fill my mind about how I was to provide for myself in this time of rest, and then I feel His presence, whispering, But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. (Matthew 6:33 HCSB)

God also worked on my shame. I’ve always been the achiever that dreamed to win the nation’s top literary award at age 16. My identity was so wrapped up in awards, degrees and approval that I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop doing, achieving and comparing. That cycle carried on until, at last, my mind, emotions and body just stopped. I had to deal with shame, realizing that even if I was never successful in the things the world considers successful, we live in a greater upside down kingdom. God still loved me even if I wasn’t out there accomplishing.

In the face of feeling people’s disapproval, especially that of my parents’, I had to learn to let go of others’ expectations in order to pursue the path that God has set out for me. I had to be willing to disappoint others when I knew so strongly that this period of rest was something God called me to. It’s learning once again that I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant. (Galatians 1:10 NLT)

Though it hasn’t been easy, God has taught me so many lessons, both gentle and astounding. One funny lesson took place when I was on the escalator at a train station one day and I realized that for the first time in a very long time (note: years), I had actually taken the escalator the whole way up without trying to rush or climb it. I learned how to build up resilience through perseverance and hope: suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (Romans 5:3-4)

Thanks for coming with me on this journey.

With much love,

your future wife

1354. [grace for the "good girl"]

Tue, 28 Oct 2014 14:58:00 -0600

1354. [grace for the "good girl"]:

My dearest,

By now you know that it’s hardly rare to find me in a public place, tearing up because God has shown me something marvellous. The other day, I was at the public library, and He spoke through an article that a dear friend sent me: when God is teaching me to love my past self.

My heart jumped at the words: “Who I was at present didn’t like who I had been. Who I was at present didn’t think my own past self to be educated enough, thoughtful enough, clever enough. I didn’t like my past self because it was so clearly flawed, prideful, foolish.”

It resonated so deeply in my soul because I have a hard time loving myself. I’ve allowed myself to feel shame so often: If only I didn’t take everything I read prescriptively, if only I were more discerning and wise and open minded, if only I didn’t define myself based on what I didn’t do and what I didn’t wear and how “good” I was, and, rather, defined myself by how much He loved me… if only, if only.

Tears spilled over as I looked at my best friend over Skype, telling her about how I wish I didn’t have to cringe when I read old journal entries or letters on this blog. I wish I knew what I know now, I lamented.

She smiles, and slowly said, "Every one of those things that we deem brokenness from our past are things that He is transforming into treasures.”

Every one of those things that we deem brokenness from our past are things that He is transforming into treasures. Every one.

She goes on to remind me that my former legalism is reflective of the passionate faith that I still have today. My past gave me tools to examine Scripture and learn that, aside from God, no good teacher is always right, and no bad teacher is always wrong. My past helped me realize that I lacked affectionate physical touch, and the realization helped me bring a healthy perspective into our relationship.

She quietly added: “Remember, old you is just as beautiful as more sanctified you.”

Lord, we pray that your grace may always precede and follow us.

With love,

your future wife

... and I'm engaged! [Personal Note]

Tue, 16 Sep 2014 01:25:39 -0600

I couldn’t have predicted when I started writing these letters that I would say “yes” to spending the rest of my life with this incredible man of God 3 years, 7 months, 4 days later.

I look back at the letters I’ve written and I just see an overflow of God’s faithfulness and goodness in my life, especially in the valleys and in the loneliest moments, when I found such deep intimacy with my First Love.

These years of writing have seen me move to the other side of the country, grow in community at a new church, work at my first professional job out of university, work on reconciliation, move several times, get burned out, gain and lose friendships… and yet, God remains faithful in all of those moments.

I’m so thankful for this journey, and so thankful for this man. He is a great gift, and I can’t wait to see the adventures God will be bringing us on. We would love your prayers and thoughts as we embark on this new adventure!

Hugs!

1309. [the best kind of work]

Sat, 13 Sep 2014 18:39:00 -0600

1309. [the best kind of work]:

“I have found the one my soul loves.” (Song of Solomon 3:4)

My dearest,

Sometimes it still feels surreal as I sit next to you, watching the sun dance off your clear green-blue eyes and knowing that God is weaving our hearts and writing our stories together. Sometimes I can’t believe that, after all those years of waiting, I’m living out the relationship I had hoped for… and you were worth every minute of the wait.

I don’t usually quote Ben Affleck, but his words echoes for our relationship so well: “It is work, but it’s the best kind of work, and there is nobody else I would rather do that kind of work with.”

My love, may we have many more days together of experiencing God and loving people together. May we continue to work and delight and hope and dream.

Words can’t contain how much I love you.

your future wife

1266. [Going Off Roading]

Wed, 30 Jul 2014 23:59:00 -0600

1266. [Going Off Roading]:

My darling,

“When you decide to drop everything that’s typical, all that is left is just a big idea about an even bigger God and a world that’s worn out from the way everyone else has been doing it." - Bob Goff, Love Does

As I sat at the kitchen table reading, I kept shivering. It wasn’t cold, so I glanced down and realized that there were goosebumps all over my arms, legs and neck. All at once, it dawned on me to pay attention, so I began praying, God, what do you want to say to me?

In the book, a young man named John was graduating from university and had a desire to go off roading with his faith, instead of going to safe places that everyone else was heading towards. His friend, the author Bob Goff, challenged him to do something wild in Uganda, and so John created a school in order to empower the kids and keep them safe. He went on to expand the school and build room for 250 boarding students.

Goff later remarks: "Two Bunk John got off the map. He wasn’t limited by the contours of convention any longer. Instead, he leaked what he loved. He was leaking Jesus. And pretty soon the puddle he made swallowed us all by the lake it formed.”

I looked up and across the kitchen, and on the windowsill of the kitchen was a small sign my roommates bought. Hope, it read. As in many experiences in the past, I felt tangibly that God was awakening a desire in my heart for something bigger than myself. I’m not sure what life will look like 10 years down the road, or even what it will look like in a few weeks, but I know that He’s calling me on an unusual adventure.

It’s scary, grand and unpredictable, but one thing I’ve learned over and over throughout the years is that God is good, and I can trust Him. My dearest, it’s going to be challenging for both of us, but I’m excited to go through this adventure hand in hand with you. Let’s run together towards the prize found in Christ together, get off the map to follow Him, and “leak Jesus” into the world around us.

With much love,

your future wife

1214. [live out all your fears]

Tue, 10 Jun 2014 13:15:00 -0600

1214. [live out all your fears]:

My love,

The words of the Father
They ring in my ear
Go and find you a love
And live out all of your fears.
- Matt Corby “Songbird”

I’ve held onto so many fears for so long. I fear losing control, preferring to plan and create charts and timelines for the big events and the minutiae in my life. I fear deep vulnerability, because I fear that there’s too much in me for others to handle.

It’s easier to hide from the fears and talk about everything else except for the elephants in the room. Following the still small voice of the Spirit is much more sacrificial, vulnerable and terrifying than making my own plans for the years ahead.

Lately He’s been challenging me, asking me to follow after Him in every aspect of my life. He asks me to trust in looking for a new job, trusting that if He could take care of the flowers of the field and the birds in the sky, how much more would He take care of me. He asks me to pursue one specific lead in looking for a new apartment, and I didn’t know why until it led me to someone I spent an hour sharing about God and life with the first time I called her.

He asks me to be vulnerable, putting away the mirrors and smoke in my relationship, being honest about where we’re headed and letting our guards down. It means letting go of my own timelines to be attentive to the Spirit’s work in both of our lives.

Through His power, I’m living out my fears. It’s been exhilarating, terrifying, peaceful, overwhelming, downright scary and wonderful. In the process, He’s been nothing less than faithful and good to me. He loves me more than I could ever imagine or understand.

Keeper of my heart, I will rest in You alone.

Let’s keep living out our fears, overcoming them with His love, my darling.

your future wife

1182. [it is finished]

Fri, 09 May 2014 21:56:00 -0600

1182. [it is finished]:

“Growth in the Christian life is the process of receiving Christ’s words “It is finished” into new and deeper parts of our being.” - Tullian Tchividjian

“The gospel is bearing fruit and growing throughout the whole world—just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and truly understood God’s grace.” - Colossians 1:6

My dearest,

It is finished, Christ said on the cross.

I rarely sit back and let that profound truth sink into my heart. It is finished. My sin is finished. The deepest darkness of my depravity is finished. The corners of my heart that I rarely expose to the world but once-in-a-while hurt those closest to me is finished.

I’ve had a rough week. Work was stressful, with many emails and projects that have piled on top of each other for months, and I felt utterly overwhelmed - a sinking feeling. My body decided to throw a fit and I went through some pretty excruciating pain. This man in my life and I had some miscommunication. I was exhausted, stretched, and trying to juggle obligations and work and a social life, and it wasn’t working out so well.

I saw some of the ugliest parts of me rise to the surface, and that scared me.

I look back on the week and it was only because of His grace that I came out the other end: surviving, thankful, reconciled. In the darkness, He whispers hope and grace. In the exhaustion, He fills me with life.

At the moment when I needed to hear it the most, He told me, it is finished. In every part of my soul, every corner of my heart that I believed to be dominated by shadows, it is finished. In the moments when I felt unloveable and unredeemable, overcome with emotions from a dark place, it is finished.

All I have to do is allow Him to come in - allow His amazing work on the cross - the gospel - to take root in every compartment of my soul.

It is finished.

your future wife

1174. [unlocking love]

Thu, 01 May 2014 17:37:00 -0600

1174. [unlocking love]:

My dear husband,

In my opposite-gender friendships, my regrets lie with those I hesitated to love because of legalism rather than the ones I loved full-heartedly.

As I reflect back on my high school and undergrad years, one of my biggest regrets is that I had an unhealthy attitude towards dating, friendships and men. I believed that I could singlehandedly keep myself and others from being hurt by creating distance and “guarding my heart”. I thought that the way to win a man’s heart was to subtly hint while appearing aloof. I bought the lie that every man who wanted to know me better was attracted to me or wanted to date me.

Instead of dealing with these issues maturely, I ran away from potential friendships, relationships and supposed pain. I didn’t realize that my unwillingness to be vulnerable actually caused me to internalize shame and guilt that I wasn’t supposed to bear.

I’m so thankful for Jesus, who frees me from this chaos.

If I could tell younger me anything, I would tell her this:

Love the written Word and follow after the Spirit. Restore God to the rightful place in your life - as the essence and sustainer of everything. There’s nothing in your life that His light shouldn’t shine on. Make loving God and loving others the intention behind everything you do, say, feel and think.

When God is in the right place in your life, take risks. Be wisely vulnerable. Know that whether you lock it up or you let it fly, your heart could break. Read John 11:35 and know that emotions can be good and that Jesus too wept. Trust the Word and the Spirit’s leading in your life instead of following legalistic human manuals. Your life will look differently than those of your friends’, but that’s because our lives together form a beautiful and diverse mosaic.

Love people generously: those who know Christ and those who don’t, those who worship in mosques and temples and fundamentalist churches and in the mountains, those who agree with you morally and those who don’t, those who see the world differently than you do, those who pass by you on the street and you get that fleeting glimpse into their soul, those sisters who heal your heart through their love and their hugs, and last, but never the least, those brothers who carry the imago Dei too, showing you a dimension of God that you can’t know solely befriending sisters.

If I could say anything to the brothers I hurt in my immaturity, I would say:

You deserved better than the endless cycles of passive-aggressive hints and running away. I can’t imagine how confused and frustrated it would’ve been for you, and my heart breaks for that. You deserved communication, vulnerability and dignity. I should’ve treated you as a person with all the shades and hues that uniquely make up you, not solely as a potential spouse or as a person who was attracted to me. Instead of running away, I should’ve stayed and got to know you better.

In the event that you were interested in me romantically and I wasn’t interested in you, I should’ve kindly and with dignity let you know. If it was the other way around, I should’ve trusted you to handle my vulnerability and trusted myself to handle the truth. I was too afraid to be honest because I believed I would be hurt, but in the end, all my attempts to control resulted in pain anyway.

If you didn’t know God and you knew I was a Christian, my heart hurts even more for you, as I was a terrible ambassador for God’s message of truth and reconciliation. For those of you who are my Christian brothers, I should’ve honoured the God I love in treating His sons with love and respect, recognizing your worth in His eyes. For all of this and more, I’m so truly sorry. I’m so thankful that God redeems and makes beauty out of ashes.

And for you, my future husband, this:

It is so neat to look back and know that God has done an amazing work in my life, and I hope to carry the fruit of His work into our relationship. Even though I have regrets from how I’ve hurt brothers and men in the past, I see God redeeming and transforming my former legalism into something so grace-filled and beautiful.

I want to be healthily and wisely vulnerable. I want to love you with the love that has been so generously lavished upon me, and I don’t want fear to stop me. I want to communicate instead of being passive-aggressive. I want to show you dignity as a human being first, as my fellow brother in Christ, on mission to pursue the things above. There’s something so beautiful about marriage, but even that ends one day, and I want to build into something that never ends: your soul.

Apart from God, I want to be your greatest encourager, your partner in mission, your courage when your own courage fails, your ezer kenegdo - a sustainer of life, and your faithful running partner towards the goal of loving God and loving others.

Along the way to meeting you, I hit some bumps and learned some painful lessons. I guess that’s okay too, because someone once told me that the brain and heart never return to their former state after they’ve been stretched. All those moments helped me to love you and love God better.

With an abundance of love,

your future wife

1153. [a refuge from the storm]

Thu, 10 Apr 2014 22:54:00 -0600

1153. [a refuge from the storm]:

My dearest,

She looked at us and said, “how do I learn to be single again?”

In that moment, all the emotions of singleness flittered by. I remembered all the moments of spilling my heart at the feet of God, desperately begging Him to take away the loneliness. I remembered the embrace of His arms, spoken over me through His Word or felt through the warm hugs of friends. I remembered desiring, dreaming, becoming cynical, then learning to hope once more. I remembered.

I knew in that moment why I had been single for so many years. My years of singleness taught me lessons I could not otherwise learn about God’s constant character, His immense love for me, and the depth of His grace. They guided me to return again and again to His feet, acknowledging that only He can satisfy me wholly. They were a precious gift that helped me relate to not only singles, but all of those who are lonely, hurt and yearning.

Each one will be like a shelter from the wind
and a refuge from the storm,
like streams of water in the desert
and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land.
Then the eyes of those who see will no longer be closed,
and the ears of those who hear will listen.
The fearful heart will know and understand,
and the stammering tongue will be fluent and clear.
(Isaiah 32:2-4, emphasis mine)

I realized that as I grow in my relationship, my callings were shifting too. This passage jumped out at me as I sought out God in the middle of all the changes.

He calls me to be a shelter, a refuge, a stream of water and a shadow of a great rock to those who are lonely, hurting and yearning. I can walk alongside people, sharing in their burdens, having walked through many valleys myself. I can point people towards God as the only infallible source of intimacy - the place where I am so wholly known and yet so wholly loved.

Perhaps one day we together can create a home where people can find shelter and refuge. What a beautiful way to love.

With hugs and kisses,

your future wife

1136. [love looks like]

Mon, 24 Mar 2014 15:09:00 -0600

1136. [love looks like]:

My darling,

Love used to look like a spectacular display to declare to the world that we loved each other. It looked like a bouquet of reddest roses to greet me at the door. It looked like falling asleep to each others’ voices on the phone every night. It looked like handwritten poetry, wax-sealed letters, surprise midnight picnics and guitar songs written just for me.

Of course, love still can look like that.

What surprised me was that love has so many more shades than I ever anticipated.

Love looks like tugging on my hand so I don’t walk into telephone poles and tree branches. It looks like looking me in the eye and telling me about your big failure from the past week, expecting me to push you away, and instead finding my arms wrapped around you even tighter. It looks like coming home and finding our dirty dishes and cups all over and quietly gathering them up. It looks like driving for an hour on weeknights just to see me. It looks like worshipping God together in the quiet of the living room. It looks like having a stressful day and finding your arms around me, whispering that even though my head is full and my makeup smudged, I am still beautiful inside and out.

Love looks like being comfortable in each other’s silence, looking at each other after we’ve discussed philosophy and theology and marvelling at God’s amazing creation of spirit and flesh sitting right in front of us. It looks like creating a safe space, a small slice of heaven, for each other. It looks like dancing to the tune of serving and receiving and giving. It looks like finding yourself in the middle of love before you knew you even began. It looks like cultivating vulnerability, even with an uncertain future, because God calls us to live and love courageously.

Love, most of all, looks like chasing after God together, helping each other love Him and the world around us more.

I love you,

your future wife

1105. [eve's daughter]

Thu, 20 Feb 2014 23:39:00 -0700

1105. [eve's daughter]:

My darling husband,

I have been shrinking for a while in this relationship. This man and I would make breakfast or go for burgers, and I noticed that I would eat very little. I noticed the strong, bold leader inside me slowly becoming quieter, simply going along with what he has planned instead of actively planning. Perhaps most of all, I noticed my body shrinking in weight, my waistline becoming visibly smaller over the past two months.

We talked about it a few days ago. He jokingly remarked, “I thought we were in a relationship of equals, but I’m doing all the planning!” It woke me up to how much I’ve changed. After lots of prayer and journalling, I realized that I was trying to conform to Christian sub-culture’s ideal "femininity". I was more passive, more quiet, less bold, more anxious.

Tonight, we talked about becoming more true to who God made us to be. I mentioned that I want to keep growing in my soul, keep expanding in love, and keep living in freedom. I want to be free to eat, to demonstrate servant leadership in our relationship, and to keep loving God, myself and others. I am Eve’s daughter, and that very heritage points to what true femininity means: "living one", “source of life”.

I want to be the woman God created to produce life, to bring life, to create life - to speak truth boldly, love generously and live wholeheartedly. I want to love the people of this world and display the radiant glory of God. I want to love Him passionately, and in all things be true to the image of God set within me.

I can’t wait to see where He leads me as I keep breathing, living and expanding.

With great love,

your future wife

1095. [learning interdependence]

Tue, 11 Feb 2014 00:03:00 -0700

1095. [learning interdependence]:

My dearest,

In all my years of singleness, I never believed my fierce independence was unhealthy.

When friends asked me if I needed rides, or help with moving, or soup when I was sick, I would decline, wanting to be anything but a burden. I would fight through the snow and sub-zero temperatures in the winter to walk to the grocery store, because I was too proud of admit my need. I worked during undergrad so I was never dependent on my parents for finances. I wanted to lavish others with my hospitality and presence and a listening ear, but had a hard time accepting others’ generosity towards me.

I was proud of the way I carved out a life of independence, a life of providing for myself, a life of needlessness.

Then, a relationship happened, and my world of fierce and proud independence was turned upside down. Oh man.

In my years of singleness, I learned to protect myself through various “alwayses”: always carry a loud whistle, always have savings just in case, always walk in the middle of the road at night so no one can easily grab you, always have a stock of Neocitron in case you get sick and can’t leave the house.

By bubble wrapping my life, I lost my ability to ask for help. I lost the vulnerability to say, I need something I can’t provide for on my own. I lost the willingness to receive. I forgot how to be a part of community, how to move to the dance of giving and receiving.

This man stepped into this mess and began to carry my groceries (All the bags! Despite my protests, he wouldn’t even let me carry one!). He began lavishing gifts and words and touch and time - reminding me of my beauty, worthiness and dignity, all gifts from the Cross. He made me encouragement mason jars, held my hands, washed my dishes, and told me I’m an incredible woman of God.

All the while, my fiercely independent spirit fights back: You are a strong woman. You don’t need to fear that anyone will ever abandon you because you can do everything on your own. You don’t have needs.

As my spirit rumbles inside, this patient man says to me, you need to receive in order to give. I think about the many times when I’ve given of myself to community or in ministry, and because I couldn’t receive, I found myself burnt out, spent and ineffective. My pride and my fear kept me from reaching out for help.

He continues: do you think you’re worthy of receiving good things from God and from me? I reflect about how giving and leading defined my identity from a young age. I’ve allowed myself to be defined by what I do, not what Christ has already done.

I’ve newly learned to wake up in the morning, lying on my back, arms outstretched with my palms up, and receive. I’ve learned to ask God, this man and my community for what I need, and trust them with my vulnerability. I’ve learned and relearned that I am made worthy by Christ. I’ve grown to see that my fierce independence was a story that served me well in the past, but it’s not serving me anymore. I have the choice now to choose a new story: a story of interdependence, of the dance of giving and receiving and giving again.

With bundles and bundles of love,

your future wife

1082. [come back home]

Wed, 29 Jan 2014 23:42:00 -0700

1082. [come back home]:

My dearest love,

You know it’s bad when it’s 10:56 PM on a weeknight and I’m sitting in the middle of my living room floor, hyperventilating a bit while the tears stream down my face.

The pressure started building in my chest when I was on the phone with the young man in my life, and he mentioned that he reconciled with a colleague who he experienced a lot of tension with a year ago after feelings entered the friendship. I knew cognitively that this was a good thing - a closure for him - and he told me a while ago that he was eventually going to have this conversation.

As I was listening though, I felt two things: one, I felt betrayed that he didn’t mention that he was going to have this significant conversation when we were talking yesterday; two, I felt jealous and insecure when he mentioned many men had developed feelings before for this colleague of his. I wanted his affections for myself, and I felt threatened by her presence in his life now that they have resolved the tension in their friendship.

After we said our good nights, I end the call, and held the phone to my chest as I started to sob. Big, heavy, loaded tears came streaming down my face as my heart felt physically squeezed. There were no words to describe the overwhelmingly ugly feelings of insecurity and jealousy brewing inside me.

In that moment, I glimpsed into my heart, and it was not very pretty.

I thought we were doing fine - thriving, even. We have our church community, our families and our friends praying for our relationship, speaking into our lives and rooting us on in pursuing each other. We’ve been told many times that our relationship is the healthiest relationship that they’ve seen, and that we’re really showing others the love of Christ through the way we serve each other and others in community. My friends who know about these letters tell me that the years of growth in writing these letters led up to this point of emotional and spiritual health. We both thank God for each other, recognizing that for this time, we are truly gifts in each other’s lives to bring joy and life and wisdom and fruit.

And yet, there’s still plenty of room for growth in me.

As I wrestle with insecurity and jealousy, I realize that I’ve once again forgotten that I am enough:He made me enough. I am an image bearer of God. Jesus’ blood shed on the cross purchased freedom forever for me. He covers me with the robes of righteousness, making me new. I have been given meaningful Kingdom work. I am loved so incredibly deeply that nothing - not death nor life, the present nor the future, height nor depth - can separate me from God’s love.

God whispers softly into my heart: Come back home. Come find true rest, not in man’s affirmations and words and touch and presence, but in Me.

I slowly unclench my fist and let go, surrendering my dreams for the future and hopes with this wonderful young man, and lay them all at God’s feet. My heart, still a bit heavy, finds rest through these words:

Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness.
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest.
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you.
I am satisfied in you.

Oh God, I am coming home to you. I am satisfied in you.

With great love,

your future wife

1078. [praying fervently]

Sat, 25 Jan 2014 23:30:00 -0700

1078. [praying fervently]:

My dear husband,

So often I forget.

I forget to pray for you as much as I could. I forget to pray for you in a way that seeks God’s will above mine. I lose focus and shift my eyes away from the God that deserves all my praise and life onto temporal things.

So, I will learn to fervently pray and cling onto God’s promises.

I will pray for His will to be done above all. I will pray Scripture over our lives, praying that He will restore wholeness into our lives. I will pray that you would walk through both the mountaintop experiences and the shadows of the valley knowing that His rod and His staff are with you. I will pray that your soul would thirst for God as deer thirst for streams of water. I will pray that all your hope is in God, and He truly is the source of all your joy and celebration.

You are so greatly loved, my dear, dear love.

your future wife

1070. [the time when liturgy led me to relationship clarity]

Fri, 17 Jan 2014 23:40:00 -0700

1070. [the time when liturgy led me to relationship clarity]:

My darling husband,

“If he is the right person for you,” my mom's voice is full of certainty, “then I pray that God gives you the courage to keep pursuing him and pressing forward.”

“I don’t want to talk about the future,” I say, as tears well up in my eyes. “How can you know? How do you get past the fears? How can you even talk about weddings and grandchildren while it’s so early on in our relationship?"

She smiles at my dad, sitting across the room, and continues, "we only have two criteria, and it seems like he meets both: love God fully, and love others sacrificially. That’s all that matters."

We say our good nights and I turn off Skype, ready to head to bed. My thoughts are still sprinting around my head, so instead I open Common Prayer. As I read, the very first line hits me like a ton of bricks:

Naked I come from my mother’s womb, and naked will I return. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

It’s not exactly relationship advice, but suddenly, my mom’s words and these words mingle together.

It’s not about him. It’s not about me.

Everything in my life is meant to bring my Father glory, honour and praise. He redeems the ugly parts of my story to make something beautiful out of it. He makes beauty out of the ashes, allowing me to love again. At this moment, He gifts me with the presence and affections of an amazing man of God who chooses to pursue me as I pursue him.

Naked I come. Naked will I return. Ultimately, who we get married to is less important than the question of who can we become together to bring glory to God, and love to the world and each other? It’s not about compatibility, personality types, love languages and even spiritual gifting, but it’s a willingness to give all of who we are, our naked soul, for the work of God in us and through us. It’s the willingness to work together to create something better than what we can create individually.

The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Marriage is beautiful, yet it is also finite. We will all one day pass away, and marriages will end. The finite nature of marriage means there’s urgency to bring life, encouragement and dignity to each other. We know that life is short, and that means every moment is one more chance to love.

In all this, I realize that none of it is about me. Our marriage one day will not be about me or about you, but beautifully, it’s all about God. When we focus on God and partner with Him to restore the beauty of His Kingdom on earth, we will also grow in love for each other. I hope we live lives of great faith, and one day "those who lead many to righteousness will shine like the stars forever” (Daniel 12:3) - how beautiful.

I can learn to soothe my overanalyzing mind and take steps forward in faith, trusting that my Father loves me more than I can know or imagine.

Dreaming and hoping,

your future wife

1057. [a portrait of marriage]

Sun, 05 Jan 2014 16:50:00 -0700

1057. [a portrait of marriage]:

My dear husband,

Tim Keller once said: “Within this Christian vision of marriage, here’s what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, ‘I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne.’ And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!'”

This vision of working together to restore the beauty of God’s kingdom here on earth is what excites me most about building a strong relationship, and by God’s grace, a strong marriage with you one day.

One slice of that restoration looks like serving each other with our whole hearts, and serving out of passionate, intimate and committed love. It means we strive to serve one another with more tenderness and affection every day. It looks like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control - the fruits of the Spirit that God can produce in us when we seek to love Him above all.

Another slice looks like pouring life into each other, bringing each other closer to the image of God inside us. It means speaking words of encouragement into the souls of one another, reminding each other of our God-given identity. It means using healthy, dignified touch to remind each other of the amazing truth that we’re all weaved bodies and souls. It means encouraging each other to grow and take risks, and to press on even harder to listen to the Living Word speaking into our lives. It means honouring each other by bringing the best out of each other, and seeking to do everything out of recognizing each other’s incredible worthiness and dignity.

A third slice looks like bringing each other closer to our communities, within and outside of the church. It means loving one another so that we can love others even more effectively. It means partnering up as a team to minister to and serve people more effectively than in our singleness. It means being present, and giving the gift of availability to marrieds, those in relationships, and especially those who are single.

My darling, I’m so incredibly excited to walk with you, hand in hand.

your future wife

1034. [our story is our own]

Fri, 13 Dec 2013 07:33:00 -0700

1034. [our story is our own]:

My dear husband,

I read my first relationship book at the age of 13, and since then, I’ve spent hours reading books, articles and blog posts, learning about singleness, relationships and marriage. I believed that if I gained wisdom vicariously through others’ experiences, I could prevent myself from ever getting hurt.

Oh man, was I wrong.

Some of the early books led me down a path of legalism in relationships that brought death, not life, to my opposite-gender friendships. I was so careful to “guard my heart” in these friendships and budding relationships, which completely misapplied that verse. I thought that I could prevent heartbreak and pain if I was a good Christian girl who kept my heart locked up in a box until the day the clouds part, I hear a voice from the heavens and a beam of light shines directly on my future husband.

God doesn’t (usually) reveal our husbands that way, nor did life happen the way I expected. I thought my heart was securely locked up, or “guarded”, but as grief and heartbreak came into my life, I prolonged the healing due to my naivety. Instead of facing the grief and pain straight on in mourning and having difficult conversations, I thought my heart was fine and that time would heal any residual feelings.

After plastering bandages over bandages on a festering heart wound, I finally woke up to the damage I caused. I began addressing conflict, reaching out for help (and hugs!), and celebrating my tears. Most of all, I knew my Father was in the business of reconciliation. He loved me enough to give me a place in His kingdom story and He will never give up on me. I saw grace in action - grace from God, grace for others, and (sometimes the hardest one to apply) grace for ourselves.

This was not the story I once wanted to tell. I wanted to tell the story of a woman who patiently waited during her single years and focused her attention solely on God. One day, God suddenly dropped a husband out of the sky so they could partner in His work and live happily ever after.

That is not my story, but my story is so much more.

My story is that I kept failing and stumbling in my singleness, trying so hard to do things right, when I realized that God cared far more about my heart than my behaviours. My story involves disappointment and grief when the plans of my heart didn’t become reality. My story had way more plot twists, tough lessons, years of waiting, tears, and undeniable grace than I could’ve ever imagined.

My story is beautiful, redemptive, and most of all, uniquely my own.

Reading books and articles to gain wisdom is not inherently bad. They helped reconnect me with hope during the most painful moments, and whispered to me stories of men and women who have made it to the other side of grief.

Books and articles became dangerous when I lost sight of the story God was unfolding in my own life. Instead of living out my life in faith, I tried to avoid pain by living out lessons from others’ lives. And, as I’ve learned the hard way, pain is good. Pain is a beautiful emotion that tells me very sharply that I am not enough on my own, that I need His healing, and that I need community in the shape of the Church.

In the last month of growing in relationship with a wonderful young man, we’ve both repeatedly learned to let go of control. We’ve learned to laugh when our plans are sidetracked by reality, and we’ve learned to take the pulse of each other’s heart while listening attentively to the work of the Spirit.

We talk about topics and visions for the future that we both didn’t anticipate discussing until months down the road, but we know that the timing is right for us. We anticipate and discuss conflict, failures and disagreements. We know that there’s no guarantee that our relationship will develop into marriage, and that’s okay too, because it means for this time we get to pour life into each other and help each other see God more clearly.

In all this, we pick and choose the pieces of human wisdom that are helpful for the story God is weaving in our lives. This story is different than the one I would’ve written for myself, but as this man and I make choices while listening to God and community, it grows into something even more nuanced and beautiful.

Love,

your future wife

1029.

Sun, 08 Dec 2013 22:46:00 -0700

1029.:

My wonderful husband,

Tonight, I am praying a prayer of worthiness over you:

Father, you are so, so good. You sent Your Son to rescue us from the kingdom of darkness and deliver us into the Kingdom of light. You are mighty and worthy, and by the blood of your Son, You made us mighty and worthy too: worthy of love and connection, worthy of compassion, worthy of honesty and vulnerability.

I pray that Your Spirit would be present in our lives, filling us so wholly that our hearts can’t help but be tuned to Yours. I pray that we would speak words of truth with the people in our lives, fighting against inauthenticity. Would You teach us to speak words and live lives of wisdom. I pray that you would help us be vulnerable out of a place of knowing we have deep worthiness. May there be peace - true shalom - in our lives.

Father, what a gift and treasure my future husband will be. Would you sustain him in his daily walk with You, whispering in his soul that he is enough, he is worthy and he is good. All this - beautifully - is though the sacrifice of your Son. Would you pour love and worthiness all over him, Father, and remind him of these promises over and over again until he cannot help but live out of that overflow.

Out of that overflow, may my future husband live to glorify You in everything he is and does.

In Jesus’ name.

Love,

your future wife