Letters to Professor Genius

Let me in the Kibbutz!

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
My boss (male) is Jewish (I'm not) and I'd like to move up the ladder in order to get better pay. Do you have any tips for what Jewish people appreciate the most in others?
- Not Jewish in Philadelphia

Dear NJiP,
I am not Jewish either, so one might think that I have very little knowledge about the ins and outs of Jewish sociability. That is true. However, there are a few things I've learned over the years that might help.

1. Familiarize yourself with Jewish culture. Email any professor at Tufts University in Boston, Massachusetts for more detailed information. Tell them I sent you.

jeffrey.summit@tufts.edu
jonathan.wilson@tufts.edu
hava.kimelman@tufts.edu
sol.gittleman@tufts.edu

2. Build him an altar and give him some pigeons. It's likely your boss is sinning -- as most bosses do, so he will require pigeons and an altar to perform burnt sacrifices as proscribed in Leviticus.

3. On your calendar, make sure to put a note for each Jewish holiday. There are also special calendars that have these holidays already printed in them. These are called advent calendars, and they come with free chocolate.

4. When picking up lunch for your boss, make sure it's Kosher Style. You can make most meals Kosher Style by removing anything with flavor.

5. Go to Israel. If you can't be Jewish, then be the next best thing -- a tourist.

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Foodie and Moody?

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I don't have much money, and I'm trying to figure out how to eat healthy, cheap, and satisfyingly. Is that a word? Do you have any tips on affordable eating?
- Not Starving Yet

Dear NSY,
Contrary to popular belief, one can attempt to eat anything on or above Earth's mantle. Not surprisingly though, most of this matter is inedible in the sense that we'd like to stay alive. We must be picky. We already have this skill, so it is natural that such a skill would carry over to the utmost pleasing potential rituals.

There are three major food groups to choose from. Frozen, otherwise packaged, and fresh. A combination of these three is quite pleasing to the pilate (which is quite judgemental). But this is not good enough for me. I choose to have fresh food all the time. Yet the real key is cooking, and all things should be cooked as a faithful attempt to leave only the most hardy parasites. All you have to do is have a source of heat to cook your food. This can sometimes be more expensive than the food itself. I appreciate kosher foods, but they tend to be expensive since it is difficult to find someone named Glatt to approve it.

Cheap foods at your local store will probably consist of starches, but please know that greens are important even if they are a tad expensive. You could purchase some vitamins, but I guarantee a wee bit of parsely will do the trick.

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

A Room at the Inn

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Tue, 12 Oct 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I've been looking at rooms for rent on Craigslist. I've never really been on it before. There's some cheap places, but I'm kinda scared to approach these people. I'd like something temporary. I saw an ad for temporary housing, but I was afraid that meant the dude would kill me. Some of the ads have a picture, and I think I trust them more. What do you think?
- Searching in DC

Dear SiDC,
I'm not sure who this Craig is, but he might be the one you should be afraid of. Have you ever known anyone named Craig? This is a question worth asking and being able to answer. Nonetheless, renting a room is definitely less costly, but I think you should find someone you know to get a room. It might grate on the relationship a little bit. But if it's safer, you should do that. Temporary housing is a risk. If you can't give yourself a year to stay somewhere, you should probably be living at your parents'. I don't know what your situation is -- you may be hoping to move to a new city or win the lottograms. My suggestion is to talk to the people you know first. Then consult with this infamous Craig as an alternative to sleeping in your car as the cold weather looms. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Strapped For Cash?

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,

Today's Friday. I used to enjoy my weekends. I had a little money to spend. I could go out with friends, have a drink or catch a movie. I'm strapped for cash now. Mainly what I have to look forward to on the weekends now is just being in bed. But even that's not that great. What do I have to look forward to?

- Bored in Brooklyn

Dear BiB,

I'm not sure what you mean by "strapped for cash", but I assume you refer to performing sex acts for financial gain. Often with the use of various straps, one can raise their income in tough times. The good thing is that you look forward to being in bed, but it seems you are in bed all week with your strap(s). I would suggest getting outside and going for a walk. You don't have to spend money on the weekends to be happy. However, one of the best ways to balance out your work with pleasure is to find someone else who is a sex worker and hire them for the weekend. This will make you feel that you are being catered to. Continue with the straps if it pleases you.

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Make the Sale

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
Next week I'll start making sales calls at my new job. I've never done this before, and I'm a little nervous. The product is good, but I think it's too expensive. I want to give people a fair deal, but I also want to keep my job. Any tips? - Salesman in Roanoke

Dear SiR,
I'm not sure what you mean by Salesman, but I'll give it a go. Prostituting yourself for money is a trade that I have never had my hands in. One hand? Yes. I digress. If you really want to sell something, there are three things you must know.

1. What is the customer afraid of happening in the next 10 days?
2. Does your product fulfill needs and wants? If both, then the sale will not go through.
3. Would you buy the product yourself if you had the finances?

The answers to these questions will at least help you to filter out potential clients. Also, you might research as to the expertises of those you call, so that you can perhaps find a new job.

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Hearing Post

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Wed, 06 Oct 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,

I was watching a movie last night, and I heard a voice outside call my name... twice. It was raining outside -- I looked out my window. No one there. I went outside, checked in the alley, and no one was around. I thought maybe someone was hurt or in trouble. I know I heard a voice, and it was a woman's. Do you think it was in my head?

- Wondering in DC

Dear WiDC,

I have never had a woman call out my name twice in an evening. Damsels are not easilly distressed or excited. This is a highly unusual occurrence. It is possible that you have viewed a Schizophrenogram. On the other hand, you seem to have responded to a supposed someone's need for help. Who is it? We do not yet know, mon ami. This emotional response indicates that your sensitivity, as far as emotions are concerned, is either intact or hyper. Neither of these are symptoms of the mental disorder you fear. I would have to know more detail about your experience in order to formally diagnose you. However if you email me about other similar experiences, then I can send some Abilify. Good luck and hope no one was harmed.

Love, Professor Genius

Getting Colder?

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,

I live in Vermont, and the weather is starting to get cold fast. Last winter I froze my ass off, and I don't want it to happen again this time. Do you have any tips on staying warm with a low budget? - Getting Colder in Vermont

Dear GCiV,

I'm not sure what you mean by "froze my ass off", but I'm assuming it is impossible to do it twice. Nonetheless, there are several steps you can take to stay warm during the cold season. Here they are.

1. Find a lover (preferably with good circulation).

2. If possible, leave Vermont.

3. Elevate your mattress (at least 2 meters).

4. Get a Nordic Track (to practice your cross-country skiing).

5. Have more than one lover.

6. Use protection (several layers if possible).

7. Take a small aspirin once a month.

8. Fix hot tea and pour it on your cold parts.

9. If you can't find a lover, get a sheep.

10. Work in a kitchen.

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Red Hair and Tapestry

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,

I really like this red-haired woman that works in my building. I told my best buddy about her, and he told me that red-haired women are crazy. He said they're OK to date but not to marry. I think I might like her even more now, because it seems forbidden. Is my friend right?

- Single in Portland

Dear SiP,

I have heard similar things about these red-haired women. However, I don't believe all red-haired women are crazy. There is only one way to know if the scarlet-maned woman you pursue is crazy. From what I've heard, you check if she has carpet. Floor covering is very important -- especially in Portland where the winters can be brutal. If she has carpet and matching drapes to keep her abode winterized, then we can at least conclude that she is not dumb. This means a great deal, because the majority of crazy people are clinically dumb. There are those rare cases of borderline personality disorder, but I doubt you're in much trouble as long as she has carpet. It's not forbidden by me. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Rearview Lei Disease

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
My girlfriend and I got in a big fight last weekend at the bar, and since then she has put up a Hawaiian lei on her rearview mirror. What exactly does this mean? Am I in trouble?
- Confused Non-Hawaiian

Dear CNH,
I don’t know what exactly you are talking about, but I’ll give it a go. You my friend are not in trouble, but it is in fact your girlfriend that is in trouble. She must have recently acquired Rearview Lei Disease (RLD). RLD is a growing problem currently manifested in 3% of America’s population (according to the 2002 census). Before you get concerned, don’t be worried, you won’t get it. RLD is exclusively limited to female members of the species, though there is the possibility that this disease may spread to men. Many women acquire RLD after exposure to Thematic Hawaiian Elements (THEs). THEs are commonly found in party stores, airports, postcards, television programs, dollar stores, and Hawaii. Women typically acquire RLD from THE due to the acute estrogenic response to warm temperatures, plumeria, hibiscus, volcanoes, poi, and surfing. There is no known cure for RLD, however the best treatments are: removal from THE exposure, an Epsom salt bath, cod liver oil, and/or the collected works of ABBA. I hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Widely Cited Articles

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Advice for Anything

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 06:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I'm not asking for advice, at least not just for me. I want to know what your ten best pieces of advice are for anyone. I'll leave it at that and hope you are able to address my issue.
- Emily in Canada

Dear EiC,
I'm not exactly sure what you mean. I prefer to give advice in context, but I decided I should make an effort to address your question simply because it's never been asked. In order to address all sentient beings, I will keep my advice vague. On the other hand, said advice will be applicable much like astronomy.

Top 10 Advice for Sentient Beings

1. If you are an atom, remain somewhere on the periodic table.
2. If you are a plant, adjust to the weather.
3. If you are a stone, dig deep.
4. If you are antimatter, keep your antiprotons.
5. If you are God, refrain from sin.
6. If you are a bug, don't evolve into a microbe.
7. If you are an animal, avoid the media.
8. If you are metaphysical, it's probably better to stay that way.
9. If you are aware of yourself, be aware of the other.
10. If you are human, avoid heroin and candy.

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Lap Topless

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
My laptop blew out on me. I'm in graduate school, and my stipend doesn't help me enough to buy a nice computer, so I'm thinking of getting a netbook. I mentioned this to my best friend, and he thinks I should splurge and get a Macbook. I don't know if I can handle the debt. What should I do?
- At the Tates Creek Library

Dear AtTCL,
I've not heard of these books. Your friend must be a dreamweaver. Nonetheless, I do believe that every purchase should be made with relative intermediate utility in mind. For example, if you were to buy an ripened cucumber in hopes that it would benefit you less than a day later, then you should purchase it. However, if you were to buy a non-perishable item such as canned red beans, your perceived realm of utility for that item is countered by your Pholloppos quotient score of intermediate utility. Perhaps red beans should be used in the same time window as the cucumber when concordantly acquired. In other words: One cannot nurture before nature, and one cannot nature before banging big. If your best friend is correct, the Macbook is a wise investment. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Consumer Reports Netbook Advice

Religious Persuasion

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 06:26:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I'm thinking about joining the Mormon church, although they prefer to be called "Latter Day Saints". I really like this woman, and to be with her, I basically have to join the church. I'm 30, so I could get away with not doing a mission. Maybe her and I could do a mission when we retire. I don't know if I really believe in the church, but I really like this woman. She's everything I ever wanted. Since I've become sober, it seems like a good fit. There's not another woman that's better for me. Do you have any advice on religious stuff like this? - Close to a Mormon

Dear CTaM,
To be fair, I don't know much about the Mormon church. I'm a Presbyterian, and we only have problems with Methodists due to their snobbery. Nonetheless, belief is a tricky thing. The good news with any particular religion is that there's a chance it could be true. Just because a religion is convincing does not make it true unless false statements about said church are in fact untrue. In most cases, truth is judged externally by people. The big question is, is God external? If He is to exist then He cannot be external but must be. This is the External God Paradox*. I don't discount that there is a God. If there was a God, I couldn't imagine that God playing jax, because God has a difficult time picking things up. Still, the real issue for you doesn't seem to be religion. If you really like this woman, you should marry and move to a place where prostelytizing is illegal. The problem with this is that you will most likely land yourself in poverty. That's a big price to pay. Just to let you know, I am always excited by religious discussion. I have some friends that are Mormon, and they seem to be happier than anyone I've known. They're also very healthy. On the other hand, they tend to be homogenous racially (at least outside of Brazil). My advice is to get married or join the Tea Party. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

* External God Paradox - If we can experience God, then He cannot be external. If God truly exists, then He must be external.

Resumé Templates

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 07:45:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,

I'm trying to write a resumé. I've looked at many templates online, and I came across some advice that said, "Don't use templates if you want to show your true usefulness to a company." So I decided to create my own template. I have a little knowledge with web design, so it was actually kind of fun. Before I submit my resumé, do you have any advice on the best template or how to create one?

- Finishing School

Dear FS,

I'm not sure what you mean by "resume", but I presume you mean, "to begin again". This is not an easy task due to the research that suggests an abundance, or a majority if you will, of those wishing to 'start over' do in fact fail. Take for instance the bankrupt or the born-again-virgins. You cannot reverse time, and you cannot prevent others from being like you. Since you have studied web design, then you must be familiar with arachnology. As we know, each and every spider web is unique. However, I contend with this finding. It is not a coincidence that snow flakes are considered unique (even though r = .87). In other words, there are simply too many spider webs and snow flakes to even conduct a valid study of their design. There could very well be someone else exactly like you on this planet, doing the same things you do, having fornications with people similar to the people you do so with. In this sense, the template has already been created. Your's must be unique, but not so unique that it is akin to others like you whom have failed. Whatever your goals are, I suggest that you have a quiet moment with yourself in order to justify how you perceive this world and how you would like the world to perceive you. One cannot displace himself into bad company. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Is Your Child Evil?

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 05:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I have three children. Two of them are just lovely. The other one is antisocial, mean to her brother and sister, getting in fights, and a back-talker. I love all of my children equally, but I'm afraid this one might be a bad seed. She's the oldest, but she's been treated well by me and her stepfather. I have no idea what to do. We've tried counseling. She gets along with the psychologist, but that's about the only good that's come of it. Any advice? - Mother in Lexington

Dear MiL,You have listed three problems or at least the three ones on your mind. The good news is that the antisocial behaviour has been negated by the fights. Studies suggest that fights are indicative of antisocial behavior, but they could not be further from the truth. Most communication is a fight to some degree simply because interaction involves some form of friction or vibration. It's just that some fighting seems more pleasant than others. The other worry you had about your daughter being mean to her siblings is not cause for concern. This phenomenon is commonly called 'sibling rivalry'. It's usually ameliorated over time, but you cannot just sit on your hands. You must use them to hit your child. This is why it fades over time. If you prefer not to hit your child, then you can employ your husband to perform these actions. However, in these modern times, parents often make a joint pact not to hit their children. If this is your case, then feel free to drop the children off at your parents' for a long weekend. My last suggestion is to talk with your daughter about her behavior, and tell her that you want her to keep doing what she's doing. If not now, she will rebel against anything you suggest in a few years. Problem solved. I'm not a psychologist, but I do often read journal publications about celebrity families. Hope that helps.Love, Professor Genius

I Wish I Learned the Guitar

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I don't feel hot. I don't have a sense of humor. How will I ever get married? - Chad in Salt Lake

Dear SiSL,
I find this hard to answer due to my uncertainty of your thermal reading. I hope I can address each of your concerns so that you can address them singularly rather than taking one sweeping action like moving to Canada. There are many things to be happy about. For instance, you've got the ability to express yourself, even during your fever. Not even Andrew Onderdonk could achieve that! You may not be funny now, but CH4 can change that. If not, here is my list of things you should be happy about.

Top 10 Things to Be Happy About

1. decimals
2. the law of multiple proportions
3. peptide bonds
4. exothermic reactions
5. bubble chambers
6. the Bohr Model
7. leucine zippers
8. supercoiling
9. mammary nunataks
10. estuaries

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Bad Habits and Solutions

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I'm trying to quit smoking. The problem is, I drink. Whenever I look forward to the drink, I want that cigarette bad. I don't think I can quit both or either. I feel pretty helpless. Do you know a way around this? - Smoker and Drinker in Ward 8

Dear SaDiW8,
Smoking is very difficult to quit. I had my own troubles with opium, so I turned my den into a nook. Quitting takes some creativity. It sounds as though you do not wish to quit drinking. This is a wise decision, as liquids are necessary for the body to remain sentient. You must detach your smoking thirst from your liquid thirst. Unfortunately, thirsts typically coincide due to planetary rotation. In my predicament I created different rooms for each of my addictions. I made sure not to smoke in any room with a faucet. While this eventually became a fire hazard, I was able to quit smoking quite quickly as I had a loft apartment at the time. I had some relapses, but I was finally able to escape my opium addiction by moving out of Paris. Quitting smoking is all about your environment. Arguably, there are places where you can smoke and those where you cannot. For instance, inside a volcano, a womb*, or underwater. I would argue that opium was much more addictive than what I suppose your tobacco is. To put it simply, there is no room in which you cannot smoke unless there is a wall in the middle of that room, making it two rooms. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

* One can smoke indirectly in a womb but cannot scold itself until the 3rd trimester.

Student in Waiting

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I am in your PHI-601 class, and I'm afraid I will have to turn in my paper on "Socrates' Immorality" in a little late. I'm on the swim team, and I've just been so exhausted. I care about the class, and I know the readings are important and applicable to every-day life. Can I please have a 1-week extension on this paper? Thank you for your time. - Tamara Kaiser

Dear TK,
You have inadvertantly written to my advice column. I am sorry to say that your message will be posted to my blogger. I was unaware that SDSU had a swim team. When Keli Books told me she was our swimming coach, I thought she was a lifeguard at the kidney pond at Brookings Country Club. I understand that you undergo more physical stress than the average student, and so I will promise to deduct no more than 5 points from your next paper for tardiness. Fortunately, I can offer you extra credit in the amount of 3 points if you can answer the question, "Why do students turn in late papers?". I expect 7 pages. Turn it in with your Socrates paper in one week. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Not Working Out?

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I've had some weird things happen to me this year, and I've been off my workout routine for a couple months now. It's just starting to get warmer, so I can do my daily walks with my dog more often. The thing is, I keep saying, "Tomorrow, I'll start." But I end up addressing my mother's ill health, and I want white wine by lunch time while my husband is working. I'll still visit my mother, but I need to get back into my routine. How do I do this? - Getting Flabby in Maryland

Dear GFiM,
When things get warmer, they sprout. I'm not referring just to your minor labia. Springtime is a second chance to make resolutions for anything you want. Your mother's ill health is a signficant issue in your life, and you should continue treating it as such. You will have no regrets of taking care of your mother as long as you let go of her after she passes. When I awake in the morning, I have a routine. Each task leads inevitably to the next. This is not by coincidence; I planned it like this! First, I open my eyes. Then I wait for my bowels to start moving. At this point, I must get up to go to the john. After bile evacuation, I am ready to leave the toilet. At this point, I must find some way to get to the kitchen to address the hunger that my evacuated bowels have created. Toilet paper is the link. Then I'm in the kitchen where my wife has fixed some delicious coffee which will make me so alert and awake that I must find some place to dispense my energy. I start thinking of how I need to get to work to spend that energy. Of course, I sold my car in 1993, so I walk to work. That is my workout and my routine. Work takes care of itself. I would leave work early if it weren't for my secretary Mindy. By the time I get home, my routine is pretty well-set, because it is in direct response to my previous AM routine.

To put it simply, let your routine do the work for you, so you don't have to. One moment will lead you to the next. To have time to spend with your ailing mother, I suggest you do something like leave your toothbrush at the hospital, but leave your cell phone at home. Spend a lot of time at department stores to get in your exercise, and finish it up with some grocery shopping since department stores specialize in non-perishables. This will get you back home in time to greet your husband with the smell of fine cooking. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

You're Not Going Anywhere

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
My son has been telling me that he wants to go to Africa someday. He's 9! I don't think he even knows that Africa is not a country. I'm not against him going to Africa, but I just can't understand why he wants to go. Maybe it's the Disney movies or something. I'm already worried about him. I'm also worried he'll hold onto this dream for so long that he'll never know why he thinks he wants to go. What should I do?
- Worried Mother in Great Falls

Dear WMiGF,
I don't know what you mean by "Africa is not a country", but I presume you refer to the lasting effects of colonialism on developing world states. When I was a child, I wanted to go to Russia after hearing such great things about their space program and their intentions to eventually populate Cyberia. Upon further research, I realized that the chances of survival on Cyberia were very low due to the unstable conditions there. For your son, I would suggest that you not worry. Africa can be challenging, but I wouldn't suggest it's unsafe. My university sends students there every year, and they prefer it to Singapore. Your son has many years before he'll have the chance to visit Africa. In the mean time, you should educate him about other places like British Columbia, Thailand, or South Dakota. Aside from "White Fang", I believe there are no Disney movies about these places. Nonetheless, I urge you to find the best propaganda you can about places other than Africa. This should balance out your son's sentiments so that he can make his own decision when he is 29 years old. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

I Ain't 'Fraid of No Host

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
My wife, kids, and I just moved into a new house in rural Chicago. I don't believe in ghosts, but my wife and kids have are convinced that there is one in the house. They're really acting like they see something I don't. The hard part is that I trust my family. A ghost has never been proven ever. Could they be right? And if so, what I am supposed to do? - Worried in Chicago

Dear WiC,
They are most likely right. A ghost is simply a phantom, which means that there is no material substance. By most accounts, this ghost is not real. That's the good news. The bad news is that there might be a spirit in your house. I would suggest you not treat it as such; rather, treat it as a pet. There have been many times more animals on this planet than humans, so the chances are that your ghost used to be some sort of animal. You might wonder, but were more animals in this house than people? Probably not. Animals prefer not to be domesticated, but this does not mean they don't prefer a house to live in. Animals prefer man-made shelter, even if they do not prefer collars, processed food, and the rule of law. The best way to domesticate your ghost is to treat it like a pet (with disrespect). This will either cause the specter to vacate or live by your rules. This will take a little bit of time and perhaps some frustration on your family's part, but soon everyone will be OK with this ghost. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Watch Full Ghostbusters documentary free on HULU.

Cheating on a Player

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
My girlfriend cheated on me and admitted to it. I cheated on my girlfriend around the same time. I feel like since it's been such a long time that it would be pointless to mention it to her now. I was trying to get over someone, and there was a little overlap. That's the way I think of it, but I know it would make my girlfriend mad if I told her now. Why should I tell her after all this time?
- Slightly Regretting in Missouri

Dear SRiM,
Cheating can sometimes translate into winning. When this happens, it's important to focus on the latter as long as it voids any remnants of the cheating. Unfortunately, this cannot be forced in congruence with most penal codes with regards to romantic relationships. Here are my ten tips to solve your situation.

Top 10 Ways to Make Your Cheating Irrelevant

1. Convince your "cheated with" partner that your "cheated on" partner is deserving of your love and neo-faithfulness.

2. Stage an accident in which the likelihood of that event having an amensiacal effect on your brain is high.

3. Write out a list of pros and cons of telling your girlfriend about the cheating, and see if the pros outweigh the cons when you don't mention yourself in either.

4. Imagine that time is a series of interactions that are grouped outside of time by other factors.

5. Forgive yourself several times over in an act of seroforgivity.

6. Have a bake sale.

7. Read about others that got away with worse.

8. Find out if your girlfriend suspected it without asking her.

9. Blame the problems resulting from your repressed cheating on your (future) children.

10. Join a softball league.

Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

You Must Believe in Something

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
Do you believe in God? If so, could you describe that God? If not, could you explain why? - Searching in Idaho

Dear SiI,
I do my best as an academic not to divulge my religious beliefs. Since answering your question is a public service, I feel I must do otherwise. There are a number of obstacles to answering your question, because I can't assume that what you believe God 'could' be is understood by me. Thus, I see it fit to answer both of your questions.

If I did believe 'in' God, then that means I have defined my surroundings, or what I am 'in' as God. Since this postulate requires that I do believe in God, that means that I define the planet, and the universe as God at the very least. Of course, I have been in many different entities since I was conceived. I can believe in 'this' so far as it 'is'. However, I can only attach mixed results pertaining to the morality of God. This is a subjective view by its very nature, so I must assume that morality is separate from God. Nonetheless, my experiences are shared by many others through the rule of correlation. In this scenario, I do believe in God, and my beliefs are similar to that of my peers that experience the same 'influences'.

If I do not believe in God, then that would mean that I believe out of God. This means simply that I believe God exists, but that I am not a part of it. This is an incredibly negative outlook on God, but the benefit is that there is something that separates me from what I think non-reality might be. In this scenario, morality need not correlate with God and is closer to me. Now, the question of faith becomes extremely important, because without faith in my own disbelief in God, I cannot have faith in my potential to be in moral surroundings. This is slightly more hopeful than believing in God but not necessarily what I would term 'atheism'.

Atheism is when someone refuses to answer the question. Ironically, atheists tend to explain themselves. Consequently, atheists cannot exist, but atheism can. This may seem complicated, but my point is that the religious cannot be moral among atheists, and atheists cannot be moral without those that are religious.

I hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

March Madness!

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 06:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
I'm running out of money. It's as simple as that. I always figured I had enough in the bank to get by, but I'm going to have to change my ways. Do you have any money-saving tips?
- Broke Soon in Virginia

Dear BSiV,
There's no such thing as money-saving tips. I too took a hit from this current economic crisis. The initial feeling was panic. Then I felt like things were ok, and then I panicked again. Luckilly my investment in ACAI stocks helped me to turn the page, although Apples would have been a wise choice as well. It seems that since you are running out of money, you need to spend what you have left on investments. Beyond the bare essentials and the occasional low-scale luxury, you need to be investing in the staple stocks such as P&G and Unilever. This addresses your need to make money. As for saving money, you need to keep it in a place where you can find it and move to an area where break-ins are less likely. Another way to save money is to take out a loan and not spend it. This way, you'll be able to pay off the loan. I'm also big on bonds, gold, and Tswana goverment officials. The wildcard option is that you become a Quaker or a Mormon (i.e. midwest bracket). Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius

Abort Emission!

noreply@blogger.com (Walter Genius) — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Dear Professor Genius,
My girlfriend is pregnant, and I feel like I screwed up. I can't handle a kid. I can't love this woman for the rest of my life. I don't have enough money. I'm hoping she'll get an abortion, but I don't want to say so. What should I say to her?
- F'd in Marietta

Dear FiM,
Relationships can be complicated when there is a pregnancy, but even more so with an abortion. The statistics state that roughly 1 out of 30 abortions result in marriage. This is your chance to avoid both, but I'd rather not condone either. I personally do not believe the fetus is truly human until it is 18 years old or that one is married until there is a child, because I do not believe that children are valid. Nonetheless, I do feel that offsprings are reliable in the same way that I believe fate is necessary for existence of free will. I am neither pro-life nor pro-choice, because I'm not a woman. The most important thing you can do is communicate your feelings to your girlfriend, though this could be disasterous if you are not aware of what your true feelings are. I suggest you consult with a local tribesman to find out where the best place in India is to find out if this fetus is male or female. Once you arrive to somewhere in India outside of Kerala, you will be so far away from Georgia that your girlfriend will be able to make a decision without an incision. It's for the best, even if you wish it wasn't. That's pro-life, even if I'm not. Hope that helps.

Love, Professor Genius