Letters to Captain Ned

You Are Fat

2011-08-28T19:40:06.220Z

Wow, after months of waiting, we finally got our third letter. Little Johnny Boakes from 'somewhere in Asia' wrote in simply to let me know that I'm fat! I'd print the letter, but all that it says is "You are very fat."

Hmmm...This letter section isn't turning out how I thought that it might. But, since i started it, I will march forward and answer all letters as best that I can.

Dear Johnny,

Thank you for your letter. Things get lonely around the super clubhouse and a good letter is really something that all of us at the League of SuperDudes get really excited about.

Now, on to your point. Yes, little Johnny, I am a bit more fat than i used to be. Very fat? Well, i think that you are being a little bit mean about it. I'm not very fat, I don't think. But, it is important to be thankful for the good things in life, and not always concentrating on the bad. That is why I think how thankful I am--to have friends, to have children who love me, to be employed, to be employable, to not be an addict, and to not be stuck in Asia without even a little bit of my dignity left.

Anyway, thanks for writing. Remember, it is never too late to get a life!

Your Super Pal,
Captain Ned

Andre Doesn't Look Like a Potatohead

2011-03-12T18:18:49.850Z

Our second letter (!) came in an email from "Kingmaker'" of Wichita Falls, Kansas.

Dear Captain Ned,

For some time, you have had a page on your site called "All About Captain Ned & Andre Potatohead." You go on to talk about being lifelong crime fighting partners. While this is sweet, I don't believe for a second that the person in that photo is Andre Potatohead.

Why would you choose to misrepresent the truth like this? How can we come together to fight crime if you aren't going to be honest with us? The most important part of a superhero organization is that all of the pieces can come together as one (clasping my hands together for emphasis).

After much investigation, I am convinced that you have let us down. Please explain yourself promptly!

Very truly and sincerely yours,

The Kingmaker.

Kingmaker (are you serious with that name?), you are correct, sir. That is certainly not Andre Potatohead that i'm posing with in that photo. That man is the mentor of Andre and yours truly, Captain Funk. The page is a work in progress, and I figured that most of our fans were smart enough to know that Andre would never wear red briefs like that. Sorry if I confused you. Please don't kick me out of the organization!

I've changed the page to be more truthful and accurate. Please accept my humble apology and bows of contrition, oh Kingmaker.

Here is the offending photo, taken in Nederland, Colorado.

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Are Captain Ned and Andre real?

2010-12-05T15:19:12.967Z

Our first letter arrives from young Franklin Furter of Nederland, Colorado, USA.

Dear Captain Ned,

I am 8 years old. Some of my friends say that there is no Captain Ned or Andre Potatohead. Daddy says, "If you see it on the internet, it's so." Please tell me the truth, are Captain Ned and Andre Potatohead for real?

Your Pal,
Franklin (Frank) Furter

Nederland, Colorado, USA

Dear Frank Furter,

Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the scepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Frank (is it ok to call you that?), whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Frank, there is a Captain Ned and Andre Potatohead. They exist as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Captain Ned and Andre Potatohead! It would be as dreary as if there were no Frank Furters. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

I could go on for a few more paragraphs, but I think that a smart boy like you will get the idea pretty quickly. Ah, Frank Furter, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Captain Ned and Andre Potatohead! Thank God! they live and live forever. A thousand years from now, Frank, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, they will continue to make glad the heart of humankind.

Ok Frank, it was kind of weird writing about myself like i wasn’t me. Yeah, dude, I exist. Think about it this way, Frank Furter, if we don’t exist, then that means that you are having a correspondence with an imaginary superhero and a potato head. I think that it is better for everyone if we really exist, don’t you?

Sleep tight, Frank. Andre and I are on watch. Over and out.

Your Pal back,
Captain Ned