Que sera, sera

G.

2017-01-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

I was so nervous. I blushed and fought making eye contact because I knew you were staring. It was the strangest feeling to feel so small and so big by someone. There had been so much buildup from our friendship and getting closer despite the distance. Before arrival, I told myself to ignore the stressors that will come in a day, fully knowing how minuscule stressors are once the day is over. I’m beginning to recognize I tend to lean on stress as it pushes me to complete tasks, defend my actions, and encourages me to be my best. On the other hand, it has a nasty habit of taking away from a moment that was just fine on its own, without my interrupting negative thoughts. It helped to be seen in my stressful state by someone who cares so much for my well-being to pull me present and get me the hell out of the funk. Looking back it’s funny I could even get in a funk being near someone who can make you glad to be alive. For once I had no set plans in a city I never drive to. Maybe time could have been prioritized better, ate somewhere else, walked down a different street, but how else do you learn if you don’t do it. I also had the best company. There’s so much I noticed about you that attracted me to begin with. Qualities like having an open mind, expressing yourself with thought and consideration, listening well, and also how even when people suck you’re still genuine and compassionate towards them. But what I admire most about you is how you just go for it. Whether it be putting yourself on display, asking strangers questions, feeling something and saying so, or if nerves kick in you don’t allow it to change what you desire. I think it’s the hardest thing to do, to care enough to stop caring and be yourself in a world amongst people trying to figure out that simple, yet we make it complex, part of existing.

Where Are You

2016-09-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

I do not want to be in routine of being so figured out I’m uninteresting and dull. I want to remain vibrant, bring you Sun to meet dark and shady moments in our lives. Stick by my side when the tide is low and high. I am the romantic kind. Never ashamed to speak about love. You’re so logical, saying ‘I love you’ is enough. But I would hitchhike across the world to find you…something daring and extraordinary… I would do the unnecessary.

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that—I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much—so very much to learn."

~Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

2016-08-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

What am I feeling? How am I doing? I guess I haven’t answered in months except in conversation, but it’s never a true enough answer unless I’m reading it back to myself. Let’s see, I’m so eager and antsy lately. Perhaps because school is within two weeks, in which all my attention will return to. All this downtime does me no good. It becomes far much easier to collapse on the couch than set out for an adventure, an escape, a break. I currently have nothing to break from. My job as a caregiver is officially over ever since my client was moved into an assisted living facility. For cash, I clean offices and make more money than I did taking care of a human being. It’s near the end of August and I’m so relieved because I think I have seasonal depression. Every August since my friend passed away I’ve felt mixed emotions and struggle expressing myself. The strain is released in various moods, from high to low, rather quickly. I think of my friend and I think of the organization I’ve wanted to create in honor of him. I think how I’ve let myself down because I don’t allow my ideas to come to life. I think of what it could be like, and I’m such a dreamer. I think, think, think, because when I speak it’s gibberish. Because when I try, I give in. Negativity, loneliness, tears. I give into the drama of it all. And dammit, I know better. It’s never as bad as it feels. So, I’m feeling ok and I’m doing better.

The Happiness Project

2016-08-01T10:42:00.002-07:00

"To be happy, I needed to generate more positive emotions, so that I increased the amount of joy, pleasure, enthusiasm, gratitude, intimacy, and friendship in my life. I also needed to remove sources of bad feelings, so that I suffered less guilt, remorse, shame, anger, envy, boredom, and irritation. I saw that I also needed to consider feeling right." ---Gretchen Ruben

I set high standards for everyone else, but what about my own? How do I hold myself accountable?

"It was time to expect more of myself."

"My commandments"
Be less demanding and pushy.
Do not keep things for sentimental reasons alone.
Manage my moods
Act the way I want to feel
Tenderness and Patience

"It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light."

"What you do every day, matters more than what you do once in a while."

I Still Don't Know What Love Means

2016-03-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

Old writing seen more clearly now---
This past Saturday Evan turned one, which means I’ve been babysitting him for about nine months. It hasn’t always been an every day job but I’ve spent enough hours watching him that he cries when I leave the room. We’ve grown attached to one another, as owners do with pets. I hadn’t realized, even while my nephew was born late last year, how fond I am of children. Seeing a child grin at recognition and hearing them laugh offers a great feeling. It certainly brought out the simplicity of happiness we all chase. To me, nothing is more pure than their innocence and curiosity. Ironically, as I grow older I become skeptic of being a mother one day. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be. At first it was because of the magical cloak I covered the world vanishing to visibility and revealed how much corruption we are surrounded by. I felt worse than a fool. I sunk levels I thought I had beat and the confidence, the wisdom, the love…it all tumbled down with me. The home I built no longer existed but the soil remained. I had to start over. Watching Evan has taught me more than I anticipated. You don’t just raise a child by feeding him and making sure he’s well rested, you teach him. You have to teach him the things that have become natural to us. You have to tell him “no” when he doesn’t know the meaning. You teach him meanings and most of all you teach him morals. What have mine become? He reminded me of the soul-searching I must resume and the words I too must learn the meaning of.

There's Something

2015-09-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

nice about going away on vacation
or being gone for a few hours
to coming home.
These familiar places
that subconsciously create warmth
in a body that easily shivers.

Aha

2015-08-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

There is a sense of calm
when all is observed
when one is not mute
for what is deserved
the shores make no difference
what is left to be learned
the crickets still chirp
while the wood is left burned
there is no greater howl
than the hunger we need
the fight to sustain
a life to succeed
could our hearts suddenly beat
the harmony we seek
to disable the mask
we use to just peek

Spent

2015-08-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

the day being irritable

tracing old thoughts

and digested new ones

so I will take this moment to

breathe the same air

but see a different light.

(If I Could)

2015-01-10T01:15:00.001-08:00

I've been meaning to write. During Christmas. I kept going over the Christmas Eve's I slept in my older brother's room. I always begged my parents to let me sleep in the living room but of course they didn't approve, so I slept on his floor. Sometimes I'd pull my mattress in instead and we'd play games like name movie titles from A-Z - until one of us fell asleep. One night I could have sworn I heard Santa on the roof. In fact I heard the sleigh and his reindeer and I asked my brother if we could check, anxious and full of hope, but he talked me out of it.

The new year has begun and I have made resolutions. I normally don't, but this came naturally. I had spent more time being mad at myself than changing, so I am taking grip of my feelings and making use of them by being a much more kind and gentle person. Another was to read all books I buy and live more on a budget. But more personally, I no longer want to judge someone for the things they do not do but rather be aware, acknowledge and appreciate, what they do do. What we have set in our minds isn't always compatible to someone else’s perspective, or their expression of love. Respect, compassion, and loyalty goes a long way.

Tonight I was treated to an Italian cuisine, a little bit of pool, and then the movie Wild. I've been looking forward to watching it, since I had read the book and become a fan of the “Queen of the PCT,” Cheryl Strayed. It certainly urged me to reminisce to the time Carlos, Ceez, and I hiked 25 miles of the PCT during the hottest time of the year (summer). Still eternally grateful for this hike. With all of our gear on our backs, the Sun began to set so we climbed down a gnarly hill and found sand and a stream against a mountain. It was beautiful and terrifying. So off trail and far from the designated campsites, but we had a fire by nightfall, fresh water, a can of beans that we forgot spoons for (you can imagine) and I've never felt more peace than I do in the wild.

“The wilderness had a clarity that included me.”
- Cheryl Strayed, Wild

Opps I did it again

2014-12-13T10:56:00.004-08:00

I've neglected this blog once again. I've spent many hours on a different one (lettucehead.tumblr.com), but this blog stores all my personal work; my thoughts and my photos, which are currently in desperate need of contributing. I've been withholding emotions, sometimes anger and jealousy, that ultimately strips my identity and reveals an unstable, careless, selfish person I never want to be. It's been taking a toll on me that I've finally decided I would never give attention again. Instead I'll dive into my photography and focus on the beauty that's constantly around me, whether I feel ok or not. I'll resort to writing, instead of sulking or mistreating anyone. I'll then be reminded who I really am because those feelings will pass. They always do.

Meanwhile, I've completed my lower division courses for my degree. Side note: I would already have a BA in Journalism had I not realized that’s not the career I want to be doing. Sometimes I think I'm judged for being behind in school, as far as my age is concerned, but quite honestly I'd rather be committed to my goals and I'm lucky enough to know exactly what those are. Needless to say, I'm glad I've failed to learn what I want to succeed in. A psychologist purposefully for suicide prevention.

I've been meaning to put together a website that reaches out to people in need of a reminder to choose life. For the survivors to share their story. I've titled it “Every Word Counts” because essentially we just want to share and be heard. At least that's what I think. I’ve lost 3 people to suicide and it had been during the time their days were so dark I didn't see them. What I ended up noticing is how hard of a choice it is to not want, but to decide to end your life. To even have the ability to go through with it. Which is why it usually involves being intoxicated, and it is never warned. I stopped being mad at myself for falling out of touch with them. There was absolutely nothing I could have said to make them change their mind. However, there is always something they could have said that led them to a new perspective. Sometimes breaking down your thoughts to another person makes it easier to digest, and will then become a different outcome. So I wholeheartedly believe every word counts.

It's nearly Christmas and we've *matt, david, christin, and I* decorated the tree. Having traditional holiday staple pieces in the apartment comforts me because it reminds me of my parent's house. So much history in that house, my dad grew up in it. I had the same bedroom he had in high school. I wrote on the same closet door next to the bands he capitalized in blue. Sorry for ruining it!

Our tree is slightly tilted from the way the farmer cut it. It hangs more ornaments than lights. But it was nice to gather with these dudes who haven't decorated a tree in years. I stereotypically tuned in the Christmas carols, lack a fireplace but lit an incense, and got them to garnish the tree, before the poker game started with mix drinks and beer. During a game the previous night, the power went out. I grabbed all the candles I could find and my camping flashlight for the livingroom and bathroom. We ended up telling ghost stories and things that didn’t sit well with us. It was the kind of night I'll always remember, even with how simple it was. Ha maybe simplicity is what stands out the most after all.

Ferndale cemetery

2014-06-12T19:10:00.001-07:00

Visited a terraced cemetery on top of a hill filled with stone markers from the late 1800's.

This Is Now

2013-12-19T13:25:00.000-08:00

It used to tick, stare me down
reinforce visions that didn't last
but I can blink out his sight
a depression I had to fight
I never imagined how much glass
could be chewed
and still survive

No Title

2013-12-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

Awakened places in me
sylvan and spring-fed
Afar awaits the sea
to wear like an immense
aqueous skin
Hushed by wonder
using all my senses at a time
but even when there’s thunder
I will dive to find your eyes.

Sometimes

2013-11-29T13:20:00.000-08:00

I can’t imagine you’d love the part of me
that reacts too late and snaps at something that has passed.
How my mood can be a day of silence, aching to be alone.
Nine bottles later and an anger you can’t ignore.
You haven’t seen me cry
(because there hasn’t been reason)
but it’s the shake I can’t control.
Sometimes I’ll miss you so much I’ll motivate a fight.
I don’t think you’d respond, but I’d stand my ground with defense
and stubbornness.
You’ll call me pretty when I need to hear it most,
but I’ll tell myself otherwise.
I’ll be my worst enemy
and you’ll feel helpless.

Sharing

2013-11-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

It still astounds me that
what keeps our bodies in tact
is simply our fragile skin
and yet we still choose
to let someone in.

I Want A Flawless Day

2013-11-21T13:19:00.000-08:00

to laugh at the plans I made
for the soles of my shoes
to meet the places I’ve never been
and dance and rectify the quakes
of him
I want to express by pen
and discover songs
that sway me then
steal my heart
and accompany my night
I want to value time
as the sheets remain cold
while I live without a map
absorbing the dust that shapes me.

Lessrest

2013-11-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

I just want to be tired
but it seems
that even though my body is exhausted
my mind is traveling speeds
to the times when it didn’t matter
(who, what, why, or when)
and I beg for it
to be that way again.

Life Continues To

2013-11-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

to surprise me by the more faces I see
all in which aren’t you
But I’ll keep writing as if the pages could transform
the memories I can’t undo
While songs have less meaning
and mountaintops lose its serenity
All the noise in my hair
are making my sobs less clear
It may be a drawn out haze
but each rattle I let shake
keep me caged.

I'd rather

2013-08-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

be left in the dark
(with the music on)
sink in my thoughts
than utter a word to
someone who isn’t you.

Anaesthetized

2013-08-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

Everything around me is empty
The spinning and the spinning of it all
If it wrapped up and hid a bit longer
Maybe it wouldn’t have surprised me at all
Come out and let me hear you
Come out and show your true skin
Just don’t be afraid to leave me
I’ll always have my thoughts for company
Now another box of memories
Floating, distracting, in front of me
When the hardest part of the day is sleeping
And there are no words competing, just lingering
I can’t forget the way it felt
Or the way it seemed
And as I continue to spin, to spin, to spin
I become just as empty

What's It Like

2013-07-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

to be certain of someone
who is certain of you

I'm Seeing You

2013-04-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

in blown, sinking bubbles that eventually pop
Mowed, stubble grass that will grow again
in a quick glance I’ll soon forget
but never when the sun’s at its peak
Or before I fade to sleep
Our hands will never leak
the things I replaced with your love

I Think With My Heart

2013-03-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how you can sleep at night
While I’m all the way over here
And if thoughts of me ever cloud your mind
As you hope for me to appear
Do you spend the day in your room and peak out at night
Because I spend a lot of time daydreamin’ of our wrong and right
I have conversations that try to begin
But I’m waiting for the one that never ends
And I don’t like wasting time
No, I don’t like feeling blind
I wonder how you will one day love
Because it seems as though we are all limpin’ some
I would watch sunsets all day (if I could)
Because it keeps you off my brain
And it’s the only time I feel ok… about it all.

A wedding

2013-03-26T14:13:00.001-07:00

Could it be that it had been there all along?

Soon those chairs and rooms were filled with supporting faces that agreed these two were not making an impossible, complicated decision. It was by far the easiest of them all. As a stranger, I knew too.

Cumulous

2013-03-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Don’t you see
I’m just a human being
Who cries and thinks
And eat(s) then sleeps
Sensitive ears
That are clogged by musical tears
Unsteady hands
That never miss a key
(In my mind)
You are the cloud
Who chooses to be
And still
That color never suited
How bright you were to me