Lewd Offerings

I'm Back!

2009-03-07T13:08:00.003-07:00

This has been a wild ride, and I apologize to my readers for being tardy so long.

I have been suffering from an annoying (and painful!) pancreatic condition, costing me 5 stays in the hospital over the past year, the final one resulting in surgery. I'm just now feeling bitchy enough to get back to business.

So, stick around kids, there's more to come, starting this coming week! (Oh, and uh, I haven't been able to work in some time as a result of my health crisis - so take note of the new "Donate" button toward the top of this page [hint-hint]. Even a dollar helps, so don't be shy).

'Till then ...

Ta' ta!

Is it over yet?

2008-10-18T00:01:00.003-07:00

Lately, I've noticed that the History Channel has become less about history and more about the future. Specifically, about the end of the world. They have all sorts of fun predictions involving the obliteration of all life on Earth. Lovely.

I've heard these kinds of doomsday predictions since I could understand what they were saying on TV. Well, I still don't always understand what they're saying on TV, especially if it's on FOX, but suffice it to say that I became aware of these doomsday predictions sometime in the late 1960's. For some reason, though, since they've drug out the Mayan calendar and shown these astrological alignments and some business about the Earth's wobble on its axis, it seems totally plausible that the Earth will end in 2012. Why not?

When I was younger, I easily dismissed these kind of pseudo-documentaries on the future. Of course, youth breeds contempt, and I certainly felt a certain immortality at that age. I loved to fly, splash around in the ocean, and water ski. Now, the minute I step on a plane, all I can think of is how we're all going to die, until, of course, we don't and I find myself safely on the ground again. As for splashing around in the ocean, I saw Jaws a few too many times, and forget water skiing while you're at it - I just know I'd slam into the bank and break my neck as I went tumbling over the shoreline at 60 mph. I don't know how I ever made it to this age. Whew!

On the bright side, the History Channel isn't notorious for getting the facts straight on historical events so why should I listen to their forecast of the future? On the other hand, 2012 is another presidential election year. Who knows? Maybe the macabre right will get their way at last, and Rush Limbaugh will be elected to president. Now that would be the end of the world.

Thanks for sharing

2008-10-17T00:01:00.005-07:00

I admit it. Though I've been characterized as a slut at times (obviously by jealous on lookers who know nothing about me), I've managed to remain monogamous in the few, short relationships I've had. Even if I don't play with them as often as I used to, I still don't like to share my "toys", dammit.

I support others' rights to have any manner of relationships with other consenting adults they wish; for myself, though, I'm not into the open relationship or swinger scene. I'm still neither old nor decrepit enough to make those kinds of compromises, although I'm disturbed to notice that I find my eyes wandering toward 30 year old men these days - I feel so lecherous. Anyway, I'd rather be single and celibate (or better yet, single and a slut), than to be partnered and miserable.

Men, in particular, seem obsessed with the idea of having our cake and eating it too, and it doesn't help that the History Channel and similar pseudo-educational channels periodically present evidence that men are genetically predisposed to cheat. Something about spreading our seed. Hmmm. That leaves me and thousands of other gay men out. It's not exactly as though we're moving from village to village impregnating every woman in sight. Yick.

No, kids. just try and remember this the next time that hot dude at the bar is liquoring you up and whispering sweet sex positions in your ear: it's far better to be a single slut, than a sad old queen with no self esteem. Either get the divorce or find a new hobby for you and your man - one that doesn't involve dinner for three.

I've fallen and...Oh Hell, who cares?

2008-10-16T00:01:00.004-07:00

At 87, former First Lady, Nancy Reagan, fell and fractured her pelvis over the weekend but waited until Monday to seek medical attention. What the hell? Now, that's apathy.

It's alarming how many things society has come to take for granted. We've forgotten how to nurture those things we fought so hard for. In my lifetime alone, the first civil rights bill was passed to stop racial discrimination (1964), the voting age was reduced from 21 to 18 (1970), and the first states to pass gay marriages began to emerge, with Mass. bringing in the first laws to legalize same sex marriage in 2004. The vote really does count.

In spite of the mess in Florida that led to George W.'s first term, I felt only more strongly that voter apathy was overtaking us and that then, more than ever, we needed to get more people to the polls. I'm not certain how it plays out in the GLBT community at large, but I do know that groups such as African Americans and of-age adolescents are some of the most apathetic voters in the nation. Both of these groups have been targeted hard for the war effort in Iraq; if anyone should be pounding down the doors at the polls, it should be these groups.

Generally, when people start raggin' on the economy, national health care, etc., all I have to say is "And you voted for who?". That's because the biggest whiners seem to be the same ones that whine about their vote not counting. Of course, there's no way to know if their votes count, because they never bother trying.

I had to bite my lip, recently, when one of my dear friends confessed that this is the first year he's been involved in the election and voting. He's in his 50's. After I swallowed my Adam's Apple, I nodded knowingly (even though I have no clue why his work on a corrupt campaign decades ago would have kept him from voting all these years), and decided not to critique him (although I did inadvertantly gasp). After all, he is voting this year. Maybe, this will encourage him to vote in subsequent elections (especially since he voted for the winning team, Obama-Biden).

As for me, I remain certain from year to year that congress, the president, or some idiot installed in office by one of them, will continue to piss me off. As long as I'm voting, at least I maintain my bitching rights. What about you?

And on the 8th day, God said ...

2008-10-14T00:01:00.002-07:00

God always seems to be unceremoniously tossed into debates where common sense can't possibly prevail. Take the current marriage initiative in Arizona. Once again, we have some hateful people who, rather than admit they're homophobic bigots, stand behind God and some twisted interpretation of the bible to legitimize a proposition to amend the state constitution to define marriage as a union between one man and one woman, blah, blah, blah.

Am I for gay marriage? No. I've already expressed my views on this, so I'm not going to keep reiterating them. On the other hand, I do believe in a fundamental right for gay people to marry. It's all about discrimination and the idea of separation of church and state. Take the case of the Lovings, for example. Back in 1958, a white man and an African American woman married in Washington DC, then returned to Virginia to set up house as a married couple. Woops.

The couple was charged with violating the state's ban on interracial marriages. On a plea agreement, the Lovings were sentenced to 1 year in jail, which the trial judge suspended for 25 years on the condition that the couple leave the state and not return as a couple for 25 years. The trial judge went on to cite:

"Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix."

Well there you have it. God never intended people of mixed races to marry, and it took a bible thumping judge in Virginia to set us straight. I wonder if that judge moved to Arizona. I'm sure if he had anything to do with the current initiative, it would read:

"The union of one pure-white, christian male and one pure-white, virgin, christian female, being of the same generation and political parties, and having been brought up by families of similar financial means and mannerisms."

Well, except for the extremist, polygamous, Mormon cults, the members of which might wish that to be further amended to "The union of one white, Mormon male and a an unspecified number of white, virgin, Mormon females ..."

It seems strange that we have all these laws protecting us from so-called "hate crimes" when we have so many people legally cranking out new legislation plagued with hateful messages. That's the real hate crime.

It's time for these people to quit telling everybody what God wants and to stand up and say what they really mean to: "We barely tolerate gays and have no intention of sharing any more rights with them than we have to." In other words, "If you want to entertain us with your show tunes and the occasional episode of Will & Grace, fine. Just don't ask to engage in something serious like serve along side our real men in the military or get married to each other; the last thing we want is for you to embarrass us by doing a good job at things we're still trying to figure out."

A message to all those worried straights out there: If marriage or war had any kind of appeal to us, believe me, we would have held on to them when we had them. Our ancestors, the Greeks and Romans, not only had gays in the military, but, between the isle of Lesbos and the society of Spartans, long, meaningful unions as well. Been there, done that.

Today's gay has much more important issues than bombing other countries and planning wedding parties. We're too busy excelling in our careers in science, show business, politics, religion, stock brokerages, etc. Sure, a few gay radicals are determined to exchange rings and play soldier, but the rest of us are far too busy planning your future to be straddled with this old-fashioned behavior. No, in fact, that's why we keep you straights around; somebody has to run interference with all these trivial little issues while we quietly take over everything else. Thanks, and keep up the good work!

Humanitarian aid is never a crime

2008-10-13T00:01:00.022-07:00

I should re-title this post: "Humanitarian aid is never a crime - unless it's for our own citizens". Living near the Mexican border, I've seen such a renewed sharing of hate from so many Americans - it brings back memories of WWII - not my memories, but those that history has bestowed upon us. Antisemitism and racism were a daily part of American life in the 1940's and even beyond with the help of people like Joe McCarthy. Rather refreshing to know we've managed to hold on to such core values, isn't it?

Around a decade ago, before the border battle became so ingrained in all of our minds, merchants in Tucson, AZ got sick and tired of all the young panhandlers hanging around their businesses, particularly in an area of town near the University of Arizona. It had long been a very liberal, artsy area where gays and hippies (and sometimes, gay hippies) lived harmoniously amongst each other. So, it somehow seemed a natural part of the tapestry to see these young, sometimes heroin-addicted, bell-bottom wearing, panhandlers. Well, more often sitting around. I'm told it's hard work panhandling.

The merchants demanded an ordinance to prohibit loitering in the area - absurd, since people of all walks of life came down there to "hang out" on any given day. Further, the merchants demanded that the police enforce the new ordinances feverishly, which they all too enthusiastically did. It's always a good idea to give the police a new weapon to target some disenfranchised group with.

Fast forward to the past few years when all the craziness over the border started to erupt, and people from every state in the union decided to descend upon us, uninvited, guns cocked and ridiculous camouflage wear donned. Unlike these gun ho loons from other parts of the country, many Arizonan's have witnessed the horror of illegal immigrants crossing the desert with inadequate supplies of water or protection from marauding looters, rapists, and trigger happy ranchers.

Even those people who had somehow missed the reality of what crossing the desert meant for this group of people could no longer ignore it. For years, local church and humanitarian groups had been setting up points throughout the desert with water and other supplies to keep these people - men, women and children - from dying of thirst. Now, more than ever, people from around Tucson were getting involved - some in support of the humanitarian effort - some not.

Predictably, those around the University district were very vocal about providing some form of humanitarian relief, and many local merchants began proudly displaying signs boasting "Humanitarian aid is never a crime". I couldn't help but see the flaw in this. Not that I disagree with providing aid; illegal or not, I don't believe people deserve to die for trying to improve the quality of their lives, particularly not the horrible kind of death that's inherent in crossing the Sonoran Desert. No, where I saw the flaw was in the hypocrisy of these local merchants: a compassionate attitude toward illegal immigrants while ignoring the conditions at home that created the problem of homelessness and panhandling, particularly among our youth.

I suppose these merchants have collectively decided that it's a good thing to provide aid to people wandering around the desert, but totally another matter when people land on their doorsteps looking for help. On a positive note, I'm happy to say that I think the merchants have slowly subsided the fight. I've seen a return of the panhandlers to the area without any concentrated opposition from the shop keepers there. Still, it seems contradictory that this is, at best, an act of tolerance when these merchants should be asking themselves, "What can I do to change the conditions that created the environment for these people to emerge to begin with?"

I firmly believe that if you're going to choose to live and do business in a bohemian neighborhood, there comes a social obligation to maintain those ideals and help those less fortunate than ourselves in any way we can. If all else fails, MOVE, and let the rest of us enjoy the colorful environment we've created.

Karma, who?

2008-10-12T00:01:00.002-07:00

Why I continue to believe in things like Karma and Hell is beyond me. I suppose because I want to know that the assholes who make my life less than enjoyable will somehow pay for their indiscretions. And, perhaps because Karma always seems to apply to me, but not to the guys who really deserve it - at least not in a timely manner.

For instance, how long was Rush Limbaugh popping pills while railing on and on against everything not Ozzie & Harriet? And how long before he was back on the air spewing his hateful mesages to a seemingly insatiable audience? What kind of karma is that? Perhaps, we'll just have to wait until the Universe drops the big one on him all at once. Or maybe he's just so evil, he'll have to wait until he gets to Hell to deal with it all. At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

Then there was Ronald Reagan, President, and in the end, babbling idiot (not that anyone could necessarily tell the difference at times). How many times did he falsely state "I don't recall" while being questioned about the Iran Contra affair? It took way too long, but in the end, he finally was dealt the ultimate reward from karma: he really didn't recall anything anymore.

Now, what about W.? (George W., that is). How long will it take before he or his evil sidekick, Cheney, experience any of their karmic rewards from the blatant terrorizing of their own nation? Not soon enough, I'm afraid. I think the people who voted him into a second term should go down with him, too - if and when the time comes. I suppose they'll all have to wait for Hell, too.

Perhaps I should take it as a good sign that, in my own life, karma seems to bite me in the ass pretty quickly. I mean, as soon as I start down some negative road, BLAM! It bites me. At least I get it over with, and just maybe it means I'm not going to Hell, after all (unfortunately, there's still room for Purgatory).

Which, of course, means that spending my evening wishing all this ill will on people probably isn't the best use of my time, not to mention that I'm bound to pay for it, and no doubt quickly - it's karma. If you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go hide under my covers...

Blame it on technology

2008-10-11T00:01:00.001-07:00

I spent many years working on various applications with computers: programming, assembling & repairing, network engineering, consulting, and as a DBMA. I love technology, really. Lately, I was thinking, how great it is to have technology to blame our short comings on, too!

Think about it: "My dog ate my homework" has now become, "The hard drive crashed". Here are a few more I find useful...

"I'm so sorry I missed the party. No, I didn't get your email, but then there's something wrong with my Outlook Express. I think it's corrupt or something." (I can't get away with most things computer related, but feel free to apply this to your own situation).
"It's not that I'm not answering your calls, it's just that my cell phone battery is dead, and I haven't had the time to hunt down a new battery at a decent price."
"Really, I would visit more, but the price of gas is so high. Maybe when it comes down..."
"Yeah, I'm sure 'Bad Girls' is a great show. Too bad it's on Logo, since my converter is toast right now. Uh, no, my DVD isn't working either. Must've been that power surge during the last storm."

Feel free to click 'comments' and share your own!

Pssst....

2008-10-10T00:01:00.003-07:00

In spite of stereotypes to the contrary, men are by far the worst gossips of the two sexes. Whether it's at work, the gym or the bar, guys are always raggin' on someone. It doesn't matter if they're straight or gay, guys go the extra mile to deliver the juiciest gossip.

I've been no exception, but being gay, I always felt it was sort of an obligation. In reality, though, most of my gossip seems to have centered around my work environment. It's no wonder, considering I spent a good deal of my adult life dedicating more of my time to my career than to any other part of my life.

The reality is, I enjoy gossip, and I think it's fair to say that I particularly enjoy hearing about bad things happening to people I can't stand. God knows, there's always been someone willing to fill those shoes at every job I ever held, so there's been no absence of a target for my gossip.

It may sound sophomoric, but I firmly believe that gossip is much healthier than taking a crow bar to a person's head, which is the alternative. And of course, it's just damned entertaining, in fact, this medical leave from work is killing me - I need new material!

However entertaining gossip is, though, I do stick to some basic rules to help maximize the experience, which I will share with you here...

Never gossip about anyone you acually care about. Sooner or later there's a chance they may find out, and then neither of you will be rewarded.
Choose who you gossip with carefully. I don't care how "close" you feel to your boss or a regular client, but these folks are off limits. Believe me, it can only come back to bite you in the ass later, especially if they start wondering what you're saying about them.
Stay clear of emailing. Even if you are careful of who gets it, the recipient may inadvertently forward it to a list which contains the person who is the subject of your gossip. Woops!
Don't gossip about your immediate family. Some day you may actually need them and you'll have already alienated them. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, etc. are fair game, however.
Stick to the truth. Good gossip is based on fact, not fiction. It's such a let down to finally feel redeemed when some moron at work finally gets his, only to find out it was all a work of fiction.

And last, but by far the most important rule: keep it interesting. There's nothing worse than lame gossip. Now go out there and start digging!

The other white meat

2008-10-08T00:01:00.002-07:00

After all the bull about listening to their constituents, members of congress did an about face at the first hog call - the temptation to add pork was just too great to resist. As a result, a bail out plan that we will be paying on for years to come has now been passed.

I wasn't particularly fond of the bail out idea to begin with, but not being an economist (I hated macro economics in college; come to think of it, micro economics wasn't any fun either), I resigned myself to keep my comments somewhat muffled.

With the addition of billions of dollars of pork, however, I find it a little hard to stay quiet and docile. C'mon guys, why is it every time we have an opportunity to do something potentially great for the country (not that I'm yet convinced this bail out meets the standard of great), these elected idiots pad it with meaningless crap that benefits few if anyone, save for those flatterers that forked out the money for the last round of campaigns?

The only place I want to see pork in relation to an elected official is on his dinner plate. Let's leave the pork to the Martha Stewarts and Rachel Rays of this world and remind our congressmen it's time to quit puttering around the barnyard and get back to work for the rest of the country.

I'm only human

2008-10-07T00:01:00.006-07:00

I was filling out my early ballot form today when my mind wandered back to the most recent interview with Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. Sarah characterized herself as an average American woman with an average American family. Really, Sarah?

Maybe women in your family grab a rifle and suit up for a good moose hunt, govern our "only arctic state", spend the day on the road campaigning with a presidential hopeful - as his running mate, no less - and find yourself defending your daughter's unwed mother status to the nation.

That, however, does not match any recollection I have of the women - or men, for that matter - in my family, nor of the families of friends of mine. That's like saying Martha Stewart is an average American woman. I don't even think Martha would appreciate that characterization, so why the apology? You'd think you were coming out, but don't worry, you made it quite clear that you weren't gay when you confessed about your lesbian friend.

There's nothing wrong with being above average or wishing to excel in life. Personally, I want someone of exceptional skill in the First Office. I don't need some average Joe - or George, as is the case of our current occupant - to fumble around in the office when there are so many important issues on the table this election.

Still, if you insist on only being average, then I must cast my vote for the team with the most exceptional skills. Maybe if you get that moose quota up, you'll be ready for the next election, Sarah. Until then, keep up the good, I mean, average, work in Alaska!

What's the hurry, anyway?

2008-10-06T08:43:00.007-07:00

People are in a rush these days. I suppose they always have been. It just seems more absurd lately, since we have so many things that are designed to save us time: microwave and convection ovens, computers and the internet, convenience stores, and VCRs and DVD players so we don't even have to go to the trouble of going to a theater anymore.

It's hard not to laugh at people who get irate after waiting 3 minutes in line at a 7-11. And they were going to use that 3 minutes for... what? In Arizona, the drive-thru liquor store insures that people in a hurry toward a quick drunk don't even have to turn off the ignition.

Seasonally, the news displays hordes of people getting upset over the extra time it's taking at the airports to insure a higher level of security. I don't get all the bitching - it's not as though they have to drive the same distance. Of course, I could be biased, I would rather drive (I'm not real fond of flying).

There's really not much people are not in a hurry to do these days. Even our kids (society's - I'm not the breeding type, personally) are reaching puberty earlier, which means sex earlier. Even pregnancy earlier. From my perspective, experience is always worth the wait. In fact, sometimes it's preferable, especially if it's a bad experience.

I'm sure all of these people in a hurry would be the first to tell you just how important their time is (and, of course, how important they, themselves, are). I suspect, however, that there's not enough rattling around upstairs to keep a lot of these people occupied until they get to the next quick fix. Which reminds me, there's a sale at the mall, so if you'll excuse me, I really have to run ...

It's time for my valium, nurse

2008-10-05T08:50:00.009-07:00

This past week, I was given the unfortunate news from my doctor that I would have to undergo surgery in the very near future. I've not been quite myself since. It's not that I'm terrified of some unforeseen accident on the operating table - although there is always that - but the lengthy hospital stay that I'm apprehensive about. (No, you drama queens - this isn't a sex change operation).

Thanks to pancreatitis, I've already endured three hospital stays this past year, the most recent spanning a full 25 days. Unfortunately, I'm only good for about 2 days before I completely lose my mind. Hence, my doctor is generous with his prescription of mood altering medications during my stay. So far, it has managed to keep me from killing a nurse or any other bothersome hospital staff. If you haven't guessed, I am not a good patient. Who could be? There are so many things to dislike about a hospital. Fortunately, I've managed to narrow it down to a mere Top Ten ...

Things I hate about the hospital

Unflattering gowns - would a little glitter be too much to ask?
Food in a tube - no comment.
Nurses with a 'tude - take it down the hall, sister.
Blood draws - I'll never look at poking quite the same.
Morphine - why do I feel like I'm on Star Trek?
Sleep deprivation - do you really need my temperature every half hour?
Daytime television - when did judges take the airwaves hostage?
Physical therapists - what leather bar do they recruit these sadists from?
Hygiene - let go of the sponge, bitch.
Arctic temperatures - simulating a morgue isn't exactly reassuring.

Step away from the cake

2008-10-04T00:01:00.001-07:00

Back in the early '80s, I worked with a woman named Karen who kept a glass, egg-shaped container on her desk filled with chocolates. Karen would routinely graze on her chocolates while drinking a Tab (The precursor to Diet Coke). Karen wasn't what one would call petite - she was unmistakeably fat - in fact, really, really fat. I don't get the "This Tab will make it okay to eat these sixteen chocolates" mentality.

About nine years ago, I decided to leave my career in the computer industry and wait tables. Don't ask. Anyway, I lost count of how many times I've served someone a rich dessert with a Diet Coke. I'm just wondering why Diet Coke's message gets through, but "Don't eat those six chili dogs" doesn't. It's not that people don't want to lose weight. Look at the Atkin's diet. Then there's Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers, and any number of other diet centers. Then there's my personal favorite, 12-step programs, such as Overeaters Anonymous.

I can't speak to the success of Overeaters Anonymous, but I do know that friends of mine who've tried fad diets and/or programs fail sooner or later. I'm tempted to say, "Hey! Try putting the fork down!", but I've battled my own addictions over the years (I still smoke, for that matter), so I have to concede that these people need all the support they can get. I'd like to assert that Coke and Pepsi consider starting their own diet centers. So far, they're the only ones who seem to consistently get their message across.

Until then, the next time you order that Diet Coke and a hot fudge sundae - and you know who you are - let's not kid ourselves; order the milkshake and don't forget the takeout for later.

The grass is always greener ...

2008-10-03T00:01:00.003-07:00

I was reminiscing about my youth the other day, as forty-something people will sometimes do, and I realized how much of it was hit and miss. I spent an incredible amount of time searching for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I honestly thought that changing my appearance, my job, even the cities I lived in would transform my life into a charmed one. It didn't.

I miss that kind of optimism, and admire youth's determination. What I don't miss is spending so many years never landing anywhere long enough to become truly nostalgic about it. I also don't miss my inability to acquire much because of all those moves. I do like material things.

Happily, I moved to Tucson, AZ in 1989 and quit looking for "The Emerald City". More recently, I quit looking for "The Wizard", and of course, Toto too. I found happiness in an unlikely place in spite of myself. Admittedly, the grass isn't always as green as I'd like it to be; it is the desert, you know.

Of course, I would still like to change my appearance, my career, and, I would like living in San Diego much more than I would here with this miserable desert weather. Then again, wherever I go, I always have to bring myself, so I might as well stay put with my things and enjoy them. After all, experience has taught me at least one thing: the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence. The trouble is, it got that way because of all the manure under it.

Everyone's an expert

2008-10-02T00:01:00.010-07:00

I'll be the first to admit that, at this point in my life, I know a little about a lot of things, but not a lot about virtually any one thing. Fortunately, I never aspired to be a member of Mensa, so being well versed in the art of cooking is good enough for me.

Still, I have a great deal of respect for people who feel so passionately about a subject that they throw themselves into it, absorbing as much as they can. I used to feel that way about computers - nearly 16 years worth of it before I burned out.

It should come as no surprise, then, that I have a certain amount of contempt for the self-proclaimed expert. Take Dr. Phil McGraw, for example. True, despite a hoard of rumors to the contrary, Dr. Phil did receive his PhD from the University of North Texas in 1979 and went on to share a practice with his father, Joe, an oil equipment supplier turned psychologist.

I've had more than my share of therapy over the years (go figure), and something just didn't ring right from the first time I saw him on Oprah until present day on his NBC sponsored show. After a little poking around on the web, I began to see some facts unravelling that made sense of that oh-so-uneasy feeling I have every time I see Dr. Phil.

According to Dickipedia - now there's an appropo spot for him - in 1989, Dr. Phil was sanctioned by the Texas State Board for an “ethical violation” involving an “inappropriate relationship” with a 19-year-old patient. According to the article, not only was Dr. Phil stripped of his license to practice psychology, he has yet (nearly 20 years later) to complete the conditions required by the Board of Examiners of Psychologists to regain his license. Apparantly, Dr. Phil remains unlicensed to practice psychology anywhere.

I'm sure this is such a small detail to NBC that it hardly seemed worthy of examining. Why be pinned down with a license that requires a certain degree of ethical decorum - where's the entertainment in that?

It seems that receiving "the Kiss of Oprah" is a license to be a revered fake. First there was Dr. Phil, followed by James Frey in 2006 (who can forget his memoirs-turned-fiction, A Million Little Pieces), and more recently (March 2008), Margaret B. Jones, bi-racial, gang member and author of Love and Consequences, turned out to be a well-off, white, "San Fernando, Valley Girl", according to NYDailyNews.com.

As if that wasn't enough, in a related story, Blue Crab Boulevard reported that author Misha Defonseca's 1997 book "Misha: A Memoir of the Holocaust Years", was a fake. Aside from the fact that Oprah continues to endorse these idiots, I think a lot of young people see the kind of attention these "experts" get on TV, encouraging them to mimic this behavior.

Think that's far-fetched? On one of my flights back from Chicago in the early '90s, I unfurled an enormous Chicago Reader I had stashed away in my carry-on luggage and settled in for a long read. One of the first articles I came across dealt with the gay Chicago youth who were purposely getting infected with HIV, having seen the kind of attention many of the survivors were getting from speaking engagements around the city.

Of course, there's always the Bravo Channel, where real-life contestants on a variety of pseudo-reality shows can be flaky and experts simultaneously. Blurring reality has long been an American favorite, but at least in the good old days we dropped acid, thereby maintaining our integrity, what little there may have been. Come to think of it, I'd rather see our youth dropping acid than listening to Dr. Phil; it certainly can't be any more damaging!

The ignorant masses

2008-10-01T00:01:00.001-07:00

As I was puttering around yesterday morning, my attention turned to CBS' Harry Smith on the Early Show. At a diner in Clifton, NJ, Harry had assembled three gentleman to discuss their views on the failed bailout plan that was shot down Monday. All three men were fundamentally for the bailout. One gentleman, however, Larry Reesh - and I apologize if I am not spelling that correctly - noted that some of the congressmen voted against the bailout "to keep their jobs". He then went on to say that he didn't believe congressmen should "view their duties as jobs" noting that the "average citizen" does not understand what's at play here". Really Larry?

I'm no financial guru and don't pretend to know what the right answer is here (I'm lucky if I can balance my check book correctly - just ask my bank), although I suspect if Bush gets his way and some sort of bailout compromise is reached, I and many other Americans like me, will be paying for it for many years to come.

What really caught my attention, though, is this elitist position Larry took when discussing the "average citizen" (which makes Larry what?) and the implication that congress has a duty to ignore their constituents because we're just too darned stupid to know what's up.

The last I looked, we don't live in a dictatorship. These congressmen, therefore, do have a job and guess who hired them? Us, the so-called "average citizens". We hired them because we believed they could perform the job, and when we tell them "this is how you need to do your job", they need to listen. Apparently, quite a few congressmen got the message: "do this, or we'll find somebody else who can".

What our friend, Larry, fails to recognize is that we stupid, average citizens are the ones who are ultimately effected by any bailout plan that may emerge. On the other hand, Larry appeared to be a gentleman at or near retirement age. I suspect Larry stands to lose a lot if a bailout plan is not reached, which, if true, leaves me to ponder, if Larry is so much wiser than we "average citizens", why is he in this financial mess to begin with? Maybe it's time for Larry, and others like him, to pay a little more attention to the rest of us peons. Good luck on that retirement package, Larry!

Like moths to a flame

2008-09-30T00:01:00.004-07:00

I'll let you in on a little secret, which involves Texas and tornadoes. The truth is, they just have too many mobile homes. It's all about the Law of Attraction which claims that people's thought energy brings like energy into their realm. In the case of Texas and it's many trailer dwellers, there's such a lack of thought energy, that it creates a giant vacuum which sucks the tornadoes right into it. It's true. Consider it a modern day form of natural selection. I'm sure Darwin would agree.

I don't know how many times I've been watching the evening news after one of these disasters, and there's the media stepping over crumpled homes in Waco or some other "Alley" town to get an interview. Inevitably, Betty Sue and Billy Bob, still in a state of aftershock, will avail themselves to the reporters, eager to share their profound observations with us.

As the tale unfolds, we discover that their home was uprooted from its foundation (that's Texas speak for "axles") and tossed "a hundr'd or so yards o'er there". The camera pans in the direction Billy Bob's beer can is pointing. There lies a crumpled pile of tin and rubbish that once was Billy Bob's and Betty Sue's home.

I'm a little curious what makes a person decide to put a home - any home - in tornado alley. Is it the thrill of flight? A fetish for sirens? And who's paying for Billy Bob's case of lost Keystone? I don't have the answers to these questions, but I suspect some of these people are missing a gene - a very important gene. The gene that says "This is a very bad idea" when they're picking out their home site.

I just have one thing left to say. Billy Bob, Betty Sue? If you're listening, please don't breed.

Don't buy the lie

2008-09-29T00:01:00.008-07:00

Once again, we've been hearing a good deal about gay marriages, particularly now that we're nearing the Presidential Election. The last thing our community needs is to incorporate a failing heterosexual ritual into it. All these little metrosexuals have infiltrated our community as it is. It seems folly to give up any more of our unique culture to the breeder camp than we already have.

Personally, I'm all for the right of gay marriages, I just get a bit queasy about the concept put into action. Assuming I have a relationship again someday, and that's a reasonable assumption (well, maybe not reasonable, but likely), I for one am not ready to assume my partner's debt (have you seen those free credit report commercials??), declare his income when applying for any manner of things, nor am I ready to take his last name.

Then, there's the divorce... for one group, that may serve a purpose; I know a disproportionate number of lesbians who are busy picking out their new love before they're through unpacking from the most recent break up. Maybe a liberal dose of alimony paid to each ex would make them think twice about yet another divorce. For the rest of us though, why open that can of worms? (Eww, I just got a visual on that - where did that phrase come from, anyway? Did people used to get cans of worms? Delightful)

I think K.D. Lang said it best:

I think if we call it marriage, we're never going to get anywhere. I think that you're playing with something that is a tradition and an institution to a certain majority of people. Why go there? Create a new language, create a new tradition, then approach the government about tax rights and rights in hospitals. Instead of fitting into something that's not ours, we have to build our own culture. We're historically an alternative and cryptic culture, and to me, that's one of the beautiful things about being gay.

~"K.D. A woman in love." from the Advocate, June 20, 2000, by Michele Kort

I honestly don't understand why any gay person would so stubbornly hold onto the idea of marriage, except perhaps for all those fabulous gifts from Williams-Sonoma. But hey, get yourself the right partner, and you'll have that anyway. Who needs all those messy strings anyway? What are you, a Tampon factory?

Made in China

2008-09-28T00:01:00.025-07:00

I wrote an essay once in college, using the perspective of a camera lens to navigate through the story. My best friend read it and commented how interesting it was that I had managed to put into words the manner in which our generation viewed things, thanks largely to the television.

I was born in 1962, and it's true that ours was one of the first waves of the television generation. That is, televisions were far more widely distributed in homes than ever before and, though we only had 4 channels (ABC, CBS, PBS NBC), we managed to spend a great deal of time in front of them.

I'd like to think that I have a broad view of events, but I have to concede that the constant media pounding has left me a bit myopic. Growing up with Ed Sullivan, Laugh In, Bewitched, The Flying Nun, The Addams Family and The Brady Bunch, perhaps my views are just a bit twisted.

I wonder what the perspective is of subsequent generations who've grown up with computers and the internet, cell phones and Blackberries, and iPods and televisions carrying 200 or more channels across an interactive digital network. Certainly, I've experienced all those things, but as an adult, my social skills, or lack thereof, have long since been established.

I've watched people text each other who were sitting at the same table. I've watched people having lunch together who were so absorbed with a phone conversation or their iPods that they barely looked up at each other, let alone spoke with one another.

I don't think I'd enjoy eating with one of these individuals. I hate eating alone when I go out, which is essentially what I'd be doing. I don't know how any of these people manage to get so fat, given that their hands always seem to be attached to one device or another. Many of them do, though. Maybe they shoot an email to Pizza Hut on their way home.

Far be it from me to be judgmental. Oh, who am I fooling? When someone from my generation wanted to be anti-social, we just buried our head in a book - or spit on the person. Either one worked quite well. Cheap entertainment like that is hard to come by these days.

The fact that anyone manages to conceive in our society is amazing. Maybe there's a magic feed on the porn sites that impregnates women. That would explain Clay Aiken's baby.

In truth, I suspect the next generation is being conceived in technologically challenged trailer parks, leading to a whole new set of sociological problems. We'll be back to using the abacus and watching reruns of The Dukes of Hazard in no time (yikes!)

Fortunately, as long as gay men and women continue to become parents, there's still hope for an intellectual subset of children with good social skills and a flair for technology. Viva los ¡maricónes!

Thanks for sharing

2008-09-27T00:01:00.004-07:00

I hesitate to write this, knowing there's already enough negative press regarding cell phones to fill volumes. Then again, overkill never stopped me before. I should point out that I'm not against cell phones. I use one myself, albeit conservatively. As with any new technology of a broad scope, there's a sociological impact that's not always comfortable, but I accept that as the price of having the technology.

The thing that hasn't changed is that people are still rude, and now we've handed them a tool to exercise that character defect even more. I used to wait tables where I was often presented with how to approach a newly seated customer talking on a cell phone. Some people expected to be greeted regardless, some looked up annoyed, and others would ignore me altogether when I approached. I couldn't win - I might as well have been wearing a "kick me" sign. I tolerated it and became perhaps a little less effected by it from going through it every day.

Lately though, I've been really disturbed (well, I've been disturbed for years, but that's between my therapist and myself) by the emergence of the volume talker. At first, I anticipated this was due to a cheap phone, bad service, or both. I'm pretty sure now that the reason for this is to ensure that the person on the other end can't get a word in edgewise. I suspect, too, that these "power talkers" think that the topic of their conversation is so stimulating that we're all interested in hearing it. We're not.

The other day, I was having dinner in a restaurant and had the poor fortune to be sitting within earshot of one of these cell-screamers. Of course, just about anywhere in the restaurant was within earshot, save perhaps for the kitchen. I tried to focus on my own thoughts, but my attention kept tuning in to and out of the conversation. It really didn't matter. Every time I became aware of the incessant chatter again, it was still focused on the same topic. Something about this woman's inability to retrieve her Yahoo! email. I finished my meal and left long before I suspect she finished her conversation.

I noted a billboard today boasting a phone with a "special get to the point" feature. I have no idea what this means, but I suspect this feature will go largely unused as so many people don't appear to have a point. Their sole mission in life is to fill empty space with noise. And they do it well.

One final note on cell phones. I've noticed that people tend not to interact with others in public anymore. Personally, for this feature, I'm grateful. I suspect that I really don't want to be engaged in - or held hostage by - a conversation with one of these people. Technology rules!

I had it when I left the house...

2008-09-26T22:59:00.023-07:00

While perusing dlisted.com yesterday, I ran across an entry regarding the unexpected removal of 61 year old Philip Seaton's penis during a circumcision surgery. Apparently, they do things a little differently in Louisville, Kentucky.

The surgery was reported to be part of "treatment for a medical condition". What in the hell is going on down there that requires a circumcision as part of the treatment? And after 61 years, I think I'd want a second, third and fourth opinion before I even considered letting someone with a scalpel near my goods.

I hope for his sake, Mr. Seaton and his wife share the same dress size.

"Did you hear...?"

2008-09-26T07:55:00.004-07:00

I hope that my life never gets to be so mundane that I'm really, really excited about something like Osama bin Laden's capture. Nor do I want to get so jaded that, say, an asteroid headed for the Earth doesn't get a rise out of me. Granted, today I'm not excited about anything, but then, I like to reserve that experience for something life changing.

I realize that part of the reason it takes a bit more to capture my attention than some people's has to do with my age, not to mention the presence of all imaginable forms of media over the years: books, magazines, propaganda fliers and brochures, billboards, postcards, radio, TV, theatrical performances, the Internet, and God knows what else. Exposure to so much information is bound to leave anyone a little dizzy, not to mention numb.

Still, there are miraculous things that, albeit briefly, catch my attention from time to time. Some of those things I will share with you here. Perhaps most intriguing to me, though, are the things that seem stuck in my memory, things that made enough of an impact on me to come to the surface from time to time. Some of them I'd rather not know. You know, like that annoying little jingle from the Oscar Meyer Hot Dog commercial that just pops into your head for no apparent reason. I must have learned that when I was 3 or 4 years old, but there it is, just like I heard it for the first time yesterday.

I started thinking of it, and there are a lot of things I'd rather not know. I'll part today with yet another list of the Top Ten...

Things I wish I didn't know

That the number one cause of death in people 18-65 is malignant neoplasms (tumors). I looked this up once in one of my macabre moods and wish I never had. I'll never use this in conversation, and I don't like to think of that many people dying from cancer.
The procedure for male to female gender-alteration. Also, a little about Adam's apple and forehead shaving. I've absorbed just too much detail about this from friends who've had the surgery. Just thinking about it makes me queasy.
Knowing what scat is. If you don't know what I mean by this, be glad, and leave well enough alone.
That red and yellow make orange. Who cares? I hate orange. It reminds me of one of those crossing guards at school zones.
Urine Therapy. That is to say, people injecting their own urine into themselves in hopes of curing just about everything humanly imaginable. I blame this knowledge on Hollywood when it was all the rage for weight loss.
Hydrocolin Therapy aka colonics. High-speed, high-volume enemas. Again, used for curing just about everything humanly imaginable. Worse, much of the advertising has been targeted toward gay men. That's just insulting, and I'd rather not think about this at all.
Things I've done when I was really, really, really drunk. No comment.
That people who hang themselves tend to do so nude. Also, that they defecate on themselves. Lovely.
That a pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew. Thank God I don't drink wine anymore.
That we only use 10% of our brain's potential, and that I'm using up some of that with all of this useless information.

Brother, can you spare a dime?

2008-09-24T23:09:00.060-07:00

One of the cumbersome rituals of living in the Sunbelt is the annual accommodation of the winter visitor. Starting in October, they swarm down on us like locusts, consuming every available resource and then moving on around March. I'd like to say that we get used to this. We don't. We endure it. It brings a lot of money into the community. It also brings a lot of traffic, long lines at the stores, and longer waiting lists for medical services. It boils down to a time infraction for the rest of us. I can live with that. Really.

There is, however, the winter visitor that the Chamber of Commerce doesn't mention. You won't see him in any tourism ad sipping a margarita by the pool of an expensive resort. You won't see him tootling around town in his bulky RV or playing a round of golf at Starr Pass. I'm talking, of course, about the homeless winter visitor. They make travel plans, too. Who knew?

Until two years ago, I had a pretty dim view of this group of people. I once wrote on one of my web sites, "I wish I could say that I am compassionate toward the homeless. Well, actually, no I don't. I'm tired of being politically correct." I wrote a lot more than that, none of it too kind. Unfortunately, Karma has a way of biting me in the ass every time I decide to let my hate spew.

I had a pretty nasty break up with my ex; I'll spare you the details (well, for today anyway). Since I hadn't worked for awhile, had no family here in town, and couch surfing with friends didn't look very attractive either, I was left with the ugly choice of either leaving my home (meaning Tucson) of 17 years to go stay with family in a town I had no desire of living in, or, God forbid, moving into a homeless shelter until I could figure out what to do. Inevitably, I took the latter.

It didn't take long for me to realize a couple of things. First, not every homeless person is the stereotypical panhandler I envisioned on every street corner. Many of them dressed as well as or better than I did and some had very expensive vehicles. A lot of these men were in similar situations as myself, others had drug problems they were battling, while still others were plowing through the arduous disability process, or were veterans whose country had turned its back on them.

The second thing that became apparent, was how much I had in common with this group of guys. Growing up gay in a small, conservative, Southwestern town, I understood all too well what it was to be part of the disenfranchised. Ironically, I've been very outspoken about the need for the gay community to be all-inclusive of minority groups. I didn't, however, mean the homeless. As it turns out, there are a lot of gay homeless, too, and I'm not just talking about the hustlers.

This, fortunately, was one of those occasions where I managed to make good on what life dealt me, and within a month and some change, I ended up working as the kitchen manager at the shelter. In no time, I was back in my own place, but continued to work for the shelter for another year and a half. In fact, I only recently quit, though I continue to volunteer on Saturdays as an intake worker.

That's not to say, I don't get annoyed anymore when some knucklehead approaches me on the street on those days I'd rather be left alone, "You got a cigarette you can spare?" "No." "Can I buy one from you?" "No." "How 'bout 50 cents then, and I'll leave you alone?" Grrrr....

I like that old saying, "Teach a man to fish...". The organization I worked for, The Primavera Foundation, subscribes to this philosophy, encouraging it's shelter residents to gain full-time, long term employment, while saving what they make until they leave - 90 days later. It assists with transitional housing and a variety of other services as well.

Today, I'd like to leave you with this sentiment: the next time you feel disgust or intolerance for the homeless, just remember, that guy on the corner may just be one of our queer brothers struggling to get back on his feet. Or, he could just be a drugged out freak with no intentions of doing a damned thing for himself ever again, given the choice. Either way, if you've ever been one of the disenfranchised, remember how it felt before you react, because it just may help you from having to be reminded that Karma really is a bitch when it bites back. I don't wish that on anybody - except maybe my ex.

Today's top 10 and beyond

2008-09-24T16:26:00.041-07:00

Having seen my doctor today, I could have chosen a better day to start this blog, but what the hell? He reminded me that I need to quit smoking, pointing out that gay men with oxygen tanks tend not to get laid as often, if at all. That's a pretty picture. Erase! Erase!

On my commute home, I couldn't help but think of everything that pissed me off, besides having to try to give up cigarettes for the hundredth time (maybe more) this decade. That said, I compiled a list, because I always say, "if you haven't got anything nice to say, put it in a list, so everyone can share". Of course, the list was way too long for this space and my patience, so I shortened it to my Top 10. Well, I've changed it about 20 times, so there are no doubt worse things lurking in the recesses of my mind, but these will do for now.

Without further ado, today's Top 10...

Things I could happily live without

Anything Rainbow. The 70's are over kids. Find a new logo.
Political Correctness. My motto: Never miss an opportunity to pee in somebody's Wheaties.
Open Relationships. Oh, grow up.
Mocha & Salmon are not colors, damn it! Unless you're 2, it's not cute to wear your food.
Gay Marriage. Don't get me started.
Gay Divorce. I told you so, I told you so, I told you so!
Gay Republicans. Find a nice S & M bar and get it out of your system.
Pink Triangles. Gee thanks, Mr. Hitler.
Gym Bunnies. Bunnies on steroids. Not cute.
Screamers. Face it: if you were really that interesting, you wouldn't have to be so loud.

Since I like to end on a positive note, today's affirmation:

Ok, now that I've completely redirected my anger, I promise to be in a better mood tomorrow, which is pretty likely because I have absolutely no obligations. Well, it's trash day, but I think I can handle that much.

See, I'm grinning already.