life/lived experiences

own your happiness

2012-01-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

i have tried many and many times, mistake after mistake to blame others for why i was making those mistakes, i tried to say "well it was because my mom wasn't in my life, my dad was not there at all or i didn't feel included" whatever excuse i tried to come up with at the time, truth is if you are unhappy IT IS YOUR FAULT! there i said it and i do not care how you feel about it either because guess what it is the truth. blaming others allows us to not take responsability for our own lives, we allow others to drive the car while we sit in the passenger seat. TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR! IT IS YOU! ALL YOU! you have to understand, the mind will have you believing anything if you let it, you come up with these things to make yourself feel better, then you reassure yourself that it is indeed the truth so that you can be comfortable in the lie you have just made. the sooner you own up to it, the sooner the healing can begin. i will be thankful to the creator that although i pointed a finger at someone i was able to see the three that were pointing back at me, and i started to see that although i could choose the childhood that i had, i could for sure choose the future and the present that i will/have. those circumstances i had a say so in, so the mistakes i made they were of my own doing.so stand in front of the mirror and take a hard look if you see something you do not like, and it does not have to be on the surface, then start taking chanrge because let me tell you no other feeling surpasses absolute happiness with one self...

i'll see you after another lesson...with love :)
chrissy

day 3 of fast

2011-08-03T08:40:00.001-07:00

whoo today was not a good day at all!!! today i was sooo close to giving up and i mean really close, i was at work and i just knew that if i took a lunch break i would eat so i plunged myself into work and asked if i could work straight and it was okay so that is what i did, but i am really proud because i am telling you my mind was ready and had already given up. it was like i made a decision and told myself look we are eating, but somehow i stuck through it and made it! maybe the worst is not yet over but like martin said you don't have the see the whole staircase just take it one step at a time and that is what i am doing, taking it one day at a time and i am sure that before i know it it will be 18 days and i would have achieved what i kept thinking i could not! see you guys tomorrow! we live to fight another day!

day 2 of fast

2011-08-02T17:54:00.001-07:00

so today was especially hard but somehow i am surprised sometimes how my stubbornness or determinism if you will, carries me over some particular situations. i worked around nothing but food today and somehow i was able to not eat even when my mind kept telling all kinds of reasons as to why i should give up and eat. see i feel like your mind and yourself are two separate entities, your mind will try to play tricks on you! but you have to show it you are in control, control your mind. today i kept telling myself it is okay if you eat, you fasting is not giving you anything anyway, it isn't like you fasting is going to change any of the problems that you are having, so i do not see why not eat. you only live life once, why spend it hungry??? these are the thoughts that were going through my head at work today but as these thoughts went through, a quieter thought would say " i know you can do it, you made a promise to yourself, you have to be be able to control this" this is the voice i would listen to...the day isn't over yet, but i feel i have gotten over the big hurdle because now i am home and there is no way i am leaving my bed to go outside for some food so i will say i have made past day 2 with some difficulty of course.

18 day fast...to be continued

2011-08-01T18:38:00.000-07:00

sooo too many things are going wrong right now and i feel like i am spinning out of control...so what i am going to do about it is: i am going to go on a fast, that is right a fast! i am going to fast for 18 days! my birthday is in 18 days so from august first to august the 18th i will be abstaining from eating any food and i will be only drinking water and liquid food but nothing chewable for 18days...this is just to establish control in many areas of my life: my eating habits, my spending habits, my story telling habits and much more, my self hating habits and much more! i want to work on a lot of course it won't happen over 18days but it is a start...what i would like to ultimately do is get control of my emotions...i will attempt to try and meditate at 5 am if i can help it every morning...working towards a peaceful life...so bare with me as i take you on the hjourney of my 18days fast...i want to do a documentary if i can.

3 days of fasting

2011-06-08T16:45:00.000-07:00

i am doing a 3 day fast to reconnect or rather connect with myself, find some things about myself, settle some things, of course i know i won't accomplish this in three days but maybe i could get some clarity on where to go in life, how to go about it, what it is i need to let go and strength necessary in doing so! the fast is three days, no food...only water and natural juices, during these days i would try to meditate and look inside of me, even the parts that i somehow always avoid looking at because they are not the most attractive of me. a good person told me we seek to please others because there is a part of us we haven't satisfied yet. i want to be satisfied and beyond satisfied with me first. i can't do anyone any good if i cannot do that.

i will detail the three days and the feelings that i experience, the things i want to change, the things that are hard for me, the things i need clarity on, i will detail them here as each day passes.

peace love and blessings

my jam!

2011-04-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

this song is like my theme song seriously! lol

at night

2011-02-26T19:22:00.000-08:00

during the day, while everything is going on i never stop to think about you
it is much easier to pretend like everything is fine
that i don't mind if you are not mine
but at night as i sit in my room
surrounded by the 4 corners of my walls
i start to reminisce about the time spent talking on the phone
i replay those nights when all i wanted to do was to just stay in your arms
i closed my eyes and i am taken back a year ago when everything felt so right
through the night everything is alright
i open my eyes and all i have are the memories
everything else is gone, even the flurries
on that very first day when we first met
the promises of forever long gone
i remember the smiles on both of our faces
my, how happy we were during those days
rays of sunshine penetrating my window let me know that the day has begun
once again i go about my day as if everything is alright
i try my hardest to smile and laugh hoping to get through this phase
i am very proud so never have i allowed my emotions to come through
somehow at night i am not able to control them
as the end of the day nears
the night approaches and once again i fear
the tormenting memories, i am a prisoner of them at night
it seems they won't allow me to think of anything else but the way it felt to be held by you.
the way it felt to be caressed by you
the way i could feel your kisses at the core of my soul
at night it is impossible for me to pretend that i don't care
it is only at night that i am able to completely let go
because i know no one is watching, i can't feel weak
at night i still dream of what it felt like to be alive
to not just live during the day going through the motions of being in control
at night i can let go of the inhibitions and finally admit that i do still wish you were around
at night i can say it aloud
i might, maybe just maybe if night were to stay around forever
finally admit that i love you
but only at night.

Acceptance

2010-12-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

i just watched this movie, on lifetime. as you can see from the title of this post it was called acceptance. it was about a group of high school seniors deciding on which colleges they should apply to, which they would attend and what the perfect school for them would be. that was what the movie appeared to be about, but it had a deeper message: to accept yourself, your life, your mistakes, your regrets and everything that has gotten you to the point that you are at the moment and to realize that there is a brighter tomorrow and although you cannot always make a U turn in life, you can always find an alternative path that leads you to the same destination. one character in the movie really stood out to me, her name was Taylor, the reason she stood out to me is because in so many ways she resembled me. taylor had issues at home, and blamed them for the mistakes she made and the pain she felt and also blamed her delusional and absentee father for the failures that she made in life and for her grades not being the best that they could be. she cut herself and stole others mail to distract her from the pain that she was feeling. the reason i say that she reminded me of myself is not because of her cutting habit( oh no!!! i am too afraid of pain to go through that) but because so many times, i have felt like a failure and i have blamed my unperfect family for those feelings, i have always felt that my mom did not deserve a failure of a daughter like i was, or i felt that maybe if i was perfect then my dad would love me more, or my mom would be with me. point of the story is i blamed my circumstances that now looking at them were not that horrible, but nonetheless i have blamed them for the mistakes i have made. i blamed having a job on not having the perfect grade average, or not making good enough grades. i blamed not being able to have a 4.0 on the fact that my family put too much pressure on me. i did all these things because i was not able to accept the fact that things happen and life is not perfect. i forgot that people must still work hard for whatever it is they want out of life regardless of what happened to them or whether or not their parents were not in their lives. but i am thinking maybe my acceptance came a bit too late.
at the end of the movie, taylor gets into the school that she wants to go to, harry who father has always wanted him to go to harvard, is accepted to maryland(by the way my school whoop whoop...well not really...) on a full scholarship. he realizes that the school that you attend does not guarantee that you would be less screwed up when you grew up or more stable...it just looks good on your resume! at the end of the day the fact that you can accept who you are as a whole and accept your parents and everyone around for who and what they are( people that will never cease to annoy your life) then you have done a great job so far at life...the other half is another story...

toodles people

Everyone will not love you!

2010-12-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

i don't know if as humans this is one of those things that we are born with, or rather one of those inept things that we cannot help but want others to love us, to feel some sense of belonging in this big whole world. to feel like we are connected to something. maybe it is one of those inept abilities because if it isn't then i am seriously screwed! am i craving attention and love so much that i stick to anything to gives me even an ounce of this? even if it is for the wrong reason? are we so messed up in the head as humans that we come to believe lies as truths because we can find comfort in them? someone please tell me this is what is happening to society because if it isn't then once again i am completely screwed up! i believe everyone that smiles at me is my friend and wishes me well. it is almost like i have created some make believe world where everyone is my friend and no one wants to harm me, all of them want to love me, no one wishes me harm, everyone wishes me success...i don't know where this is leading but i am pretty sure it will not be a happy ending!

Second chances

2010-12-21T21:35:00.000-08:00

how many second chances should one receive? how many are you allowed in life? how many are you permitted? how many before whoever is in charge of the universe says that is it! no more for you! or how many should you allow to a person, before you can say no more! i feel i have blessed, i have received many opportunities and had knocked on the proper doors and put things out there, i would have had more. everyday i feel as if i am somehow not doing all that i am supposed to do and feel as a failure but yet i do nothing to change it. everyday i say to myself no more, and allow myself a second chance to get it right but yet never do and fail myself once again and i am again back to where i started. i promise to myself many times i will definitely do better and then i don't! how many promises can be made until one get fed up? i think i need to make an appointment with either a psychologist or a psychiatrist because i believe they have defined crazy as doing the same thing and expecting different results!

nice guys finish last! why is that?

2010-12-16T07:47:00.000-08:00

In this video, he discusses what it is he would do for a specific girl and still she would not love him. the song i admit makes the girl sounds like an evil, no heart having, b**ch...but let's look at this phenomenon for a while why don't we? many girls have told me how much they would want a guy to do this for them, and speaking from experience, i have been the girl in the video. one important point to remember is the fact that you cannot at all ignite feelings, you cannot make them appear when they are not there and you certainly cannot make them disappear when they have made their way into the surface. women/girls have this thing where they want to be the one that changes the guy and really it is something we cannot help, as foolish as it sounds, especially to me, we cannot help it! there are women though who know the lines between fantasy and reality. as much as i want to meet a bad boy and turn him good there is no possible way i would stick around for his bad ways to manifest on me! NEGATIVE. the reason why i think at least women do not want a good guy depends on the woman...because let's face it, the good guys sometimes go for those beautiful messed up in the head women, the kind that in fact wants a "bad boy". more often than not, the good guy is not attractive enough, or he doesn't have that whip appeal...of course everyone wants someone they can be like "damn baby...you are fine" someone that looks like you know let's say trey songz and if trey happened to be a good guy, then of course there is not a woman on earth that would refuse him. so i do not think it is an issue of nice guys finishing last...there is much more to the story than that. you might be nice, but not good looking, so of course then your niceness doesn't matter...although it should (this is another blog) but hey we live in the society where outside appearances have more value then what is found within. so i say this to bruno...i am so sorry that you had to kill yourslef, but you cannot blame the woman for wanting a finer man that what you were...of course what you did was beyond sweet, but let's face i am pretty sure what he does to her in the bedroom is maybe worth more than that...hey hey hey i am just saying what it is! why don't you try finding you an equally nice girl and maybe you won't have those problems, you were trying to go after the supermodel, but of course she wants someone that looks like a supermodel too...:)...better luck next time lol

later loves,

NOBODY KNOWS IT BUT ME

2010-09-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

having one of those nights where i just feel like crying, but yet what is weird to me is the fact that the tears won't come! everything that could have possibly gone wrong in my life has gone wrong, but yet i cant find the tears to actually cry which is actually weird for me, because just last year i used to cry about every little thing that went wrong in my life. although everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, but yet at the sight and sound of me you would believe i am the happiest person in the world...i guess i have always been good at keeping up appearances, but sometimes it gets to be heavy on my heart and tonight is one of those nights where i feel like the loneliest person in the world, i cant talk to anyone about anything without possibly having to tell them everything which is something that i am not comfortable doing, i cannot tell them part of it because they wont understand it unless i tell the whole thing which we have established is impossible for me to do for fear of inviting someone in my life and having them be too close to me.

these lyrics are very specific to the feeling that i am feeling tonight:

pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me (yeah)

Lie awake, it's a quarter past three
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me (well, well)

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me
Tomorrow morning, I'm a hit a dusty road
Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna load my heart and hope you come back to me
The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

although this song is about love, the general message of being in pain and pretending to be okay, is what im feeling! not the actual love part! well thats another story to tell.
hopefully i can sleep tonight later lovies <3 what lovies anyway no one cares but me!

2009 THE END OF THE DECADE!!!

2009-12-31T07:41:00.000-08:00

its the end of the year, it has come again
at this time many of us make resolutions at what we wont do again
but as soon as the excitement of starting anew settles in
we are back to our old ways, then we complain
maybe we did not lose those unwanted pounds we gained
maybe we didnt stick to that resolution of being less vain
it is the start of a new decade, what are you going to do to renew yourself?
change is inevitable, it is the only thing that stays constant throughout our lives
but you cannot just say that you are going to change and not follow on it with action
words are simply that, words!!!
the decade stared with the inaugurement of george as the 43rd president of the united states...a grave mistake(lol), then in september the US soil is attacked and more than 3,000 die. then apple launches the Ipod, terrorists behead a wall street jouranlist, George starts a war in search of weapons of mass destruction which by the way did not exist. Amirican IDOL debut on FOX. the DC snipers are arrested, after three week shooting rampage. Halle Berry is the first african american female to win an oscar. Saddam Hussein is captured in a hole(lol again), GAY marriage is legalized in some states, martha stewart goes to jail. the tsunami happens in ASIA (sad), the pope dies. bombings all over the world happened. the crocodile man died, twitter is invented and facebook becomes more popular. the virginia tech student kills 33. the iphone goes on sale in the U.S. A BLACK MAN BECOMES PRESIDENT OF THE U.S. the swine flu becomes an international pandemic. MICHAEL JACKSON DIES!!!!! shootings leaves 13 dead at a military base in forthood.
WITH ALL THAT YOU CAN SEE THAT THIS DECADE WAS NOT A VERY GOOD ONE!!! SO IT IS WITH GREAT JOY THAT I AM GLAD TO SEE THAT IT HAS GONE, MANY BAD THINGS HAPPENED BUT ALSO GOOD THINGS CAME FROM IT, SO WITH THAT BEING SAID HAPPPY NEWW YEAR!!! MAY 2010-2019 BE GOOD TO YOU AND YOURS TRULY.

SIGNED ~CHRISTELLE~

do i love it? am i good at it???

2009-12-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

these days do not come too often, days when i decide to grab my pen and actually write, it is weird because the things we know how to do best are those things we do not exploit or think about much often, they are those things that are just there for ornaments inside of our minds, instead we choose the things that we think that we love doing!!! question what is the difference between something that you love doing, and something that you know how to do! i know how to write and i love writing, i have a great imagination and sometimes it takes me away from the current world, i have been writing since i was a small child. my mom told me i used to write everywhere, on walls, everywhere i could find space i would write. i wwote short stories, tons of them actually, i have many books laying around in my room, where i have started writing a story but never finished it. when i entered college i always thought of majoring in litterature but somehow it didnt work out that way, instead i found myself wanting to do something with biology. so my question is which path doo you follow, do you do what you know how to do or do you do what you love to do???

WHO AM I?

2009-11-29T17:04:00.000-08:00

I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DO NOT LIKE THIS PERSON I SEE LOOKING BACK AT ME. AS A MATTER OF FACT I HAVE NEVER LIKED THIS PERSON NOT ONCE, THIS MAY BE THE REASON WHY I AM NOT HAPPY IN LIFE, I MEAN SURE I SMILE AND LAUGH ALL THE TIME BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE WHEN I AM LEFT ALONE TO REFLECT ON THIS PATHETIC CHAOS I CALL MY LIFE, THERE IS NOT ONCE THING THAT I HAVE DONE THAT I AM PROUD OF, ALL MY LIFE, I DID WHAT MADE OTHERS HAPPY, OR WHAT PLEASED OTHERS, TO THE POINT WHERE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY OR WHAT PLEASES ME. I HAVE AN IDEA OF THE KIND OF PERSON THAT I WANT TO BE BUT LOOKING AT THIS PERSON THAT I AM RIGHT NOW? THESE TWO PERSONS ARE AT TWO DIFFERENT ENDS OF A STICK. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIND OR RATHER BECOME THIS PERSON, PEOPLE SAY WELL JUST WORK TOWARDS IT AND BELIEVE ME I HAVE BEEN TRYING BUT IT IS VERY HARD. I WANT TO GET TO A PEACEFUL PLACE IN MY LIFE, TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NOT INSECURE BECAUSE I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DOING EVERYTHING, A PLACE WHERE I AM COMFORTABLE WITH MY LEVEL OF INTELLIGENCE AND DO NOT ENVY OTHER PEOPLE FOR BEING SMARTER THAN ME BUT SIMPLY REALIZING THAT IF I WORK HARDER I COULD ALSO ATTAIN THAT LEVEL. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I DO NOT WORRY ABOUT MY BODY SHAPE AND THE COLOR OF MY SKIN OR MY FLAWS BUT SIMPLY BEING THANKFUL THAT I AM A HEALTHY INDIVIDUAL. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I KNOW WHO I AM, AND WHAT MY PURPOSE ON THIS EARTH IS. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NO SWAYED BY WHAT PEOPLE WANT FROM ME WHETHER IT BE FAMILY FRIENDS OR LOVED ONES, BUT RATHER WHERE GOD WANTS ME TO GO AND WHAT I DESIRE FOR MY OWN SELF. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I AM NOT MOVED BY THE NEGATIVE THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME BUT SIMPLY BY THE ACOMPLISHMENTS THAT OTHERS SEE THAT I AM CAPABLE OF. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN APPRECIATE THE STRUGGLES OF LIFE, KNOWING THAT THEY WILL NOT BE THE SAME IN THE FUTURE. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT EVERYONE IS DOING, BUT WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO ME. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I HAVE FAITH IN MY ABILITIES TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THE GOALS I SET FOR ME IN A REASONNABLE MANNER. I WANT TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN ANSWER WITH CONFIDENCE THE QUESTION WHO AM I?

obstacles/difficulties

2009-11-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

i felt i had to write, because writing is how i relieve stress, the end of the semester is nearing and of course i am stressed, i am not doing well in any of classes well as well as i would like to anyway and i cannot blame it on the fact that it is hard because if i truly applied myself to it, it wouldnt be so hard and it is not that i hate it, because you only which you cannot be or do at least in this case that statement applies. so lately i have been feeling inadequate, and kinda low. like i am bordering depression, there is no one to talk to because no one understands what it is i go through, mainly because i guess i dont understand it myself. i hold pretty high expectations for myself and when i dont reach them i feel like maybe i am not worth anything, i have always thought that people would love me more if i was perfect at everything so yes i am very self conscious and i know everyone keep telling me well you cannot please everyone; well i know that, but i am pretty sure drug addicts also know that drugs are not good for them but guess what they keep doing them anyway. lately i have told myself maybe i am not trying hard enough, i tried harder but guess what??? the results are not there and in fact instead of me doing better, i am doing worse, and this morning just everything went down the tube. so i am trying to find clothes to put on so i can go to school but as i am trying everything on, nothing fits. i have been going to the gym everyday for a week now, i try to eat healthy and if i dont i work out harder, but instead of me losing weight i am gaining it. now unto the next thing, i finally decide oh well i am going to put my sweat pants on and call it a day and by the time i do that i realize i have missed the shuttle and therefore missed my class in which maybe i had a quiz. so i come back to look for my shuttle book and cannot find it, now i know this seems miniscule but the pile of things stressing me out was alsready full to the point where it was tilting to the side and that little thing made it all fall. so i am fat, stupid, a liar(this is another blog), a cheater and many other sins. i dont know i figured if i wasnt here then i wouldnt go through all of this but this is the easy way out right??? maybe, maybe not, i could also just give everything up and not care anymore but then i would be dissapoiting myself and many more people, i cannot do it. but as of now i am at the end of my rope, i need GOD to give me more strength to pull myself up, because it is not looking good at this rate.

Beauty

2009-09-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

how do you know if you are beautiful? this question really bothers me from time to time as i try to define my beauty? am i pretty? cute? when it comes to these questions i am just mute. some say confidence is the sexiest thing in a woman, but why is it that ppl still care about your body type, or about all the media hype. what are the characterictics of being ugly i ask myself? are there guidelines that you are supposed to follow in order to know whether or not you fit into the beauty box? i am not saying these are the things are primordial in my life but sometimes i need reassurance. i was not raised in a home where beauty was primordial and in a way i grew up thinking that if i am smart then nothing else matters, and i would rather be smart then be pretty anyday, but sometimes those feelings get sawyed in a sea of pretty girls walking all around me, and i start to wonder well do my brain even matter when all people seem to notice are the pretty faces and bodies walking around? do i even exist when surrounded by beautiful women around me? what makes me stand out? if appearnces are the first impression and first impressions are all that really matters, should i spend more time working on my appearance than i do working on my interior? i mean after all people do not notice your interior but after they have admired your exterior. should i even be worrying about all of this? i dont know. how am i supposed to feel worthy when all around me i see faces i would kill to have, bodies i would give any amount of money for. do these questions mean i am not happy with who i am? or the way i look? of course not...i am comfortable in my body but like many people out there, there are things i would love to change about it. in the mean time i am just as confused about the way i am supposed to feel about myself when every moment of my waking day i see someone that i wish i could look like or i am swamped with pictures of beautiful models in a magazine.

Love

2009-09-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

this is apparently a big topic, everyone tries to study it, find out about it or at least on some kind of level understand it. everyone wants to be in love at some point in their lives, we all have been crowded with the idea of it since we were little kids, watching movies such as cinderella, depicting a perfectly capable young woman, whose life changing status all depended on her falling in love. we all have grown with the idea that love is this enchanted feeling that you get when you finally meet the person of your dreams. this is why many of us sometimes are dissapointed when we do meet a person and they do not fufill these preconceived notions about love. while some of us are dissaponted by the whole notion when we do finally find out it is a notion, some of us hang on to it for dear life no matter the consequences. don't get me wrong i am not a critic of the notion, i just think it is foolish to somehow over look all the capabilities someone has because somehow they havent found love. there is no denying in the fact that oprah winfrey is a remarkable woman but sometimes all of her achievements are overlooked simply because she does flaunt around the idea of this love notion.
to me love is an emotion just every other emotion that when to the extreme can render you crazy, i have seen many lives destroyed all in the name of love, many people have lost themselves and their dreams in search of it.
as for me, i am not a big fan of love, i mean of course dont get me wrong, it is an "unplanned emotion" and i put quotes around that because in another blog i will discuss my views on free will and our choices and if you can or cannot really choose the one you fall for, but if i happen to find a suitable mate after i have accomplished what i am set to accomplish, then i will not mind falling in love, but as for now i have not yet discovered the importance of it.

EVALUATING LIFE

2009-06-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

as i am sitting here this saturday morning at 6 am. thoughts are going through my head. i am evaluating my life as someone very smart once said the unevaluated life is not worth living. so everyday i make sure i ponder upon my life and i ask myself have i been the best person that i could have possibly have been? and my answer is usually no. i don't know why throughout my life i have tried so hard to please other people at the expense of my own happiness, whether it be friends or family, i am just starting to find out what i want in this life and starting to not give a damn about other people, but sometimes i still find myself falling back into my old habits. i try to be perfect so other people would like me forgetting that this is my life and i am living it for me, hell when and i do get to the pearly white gates, i am not going to be with anyone. i say this to myself everytime but when it comes down to it, it is easier said than done. sometimes i feel like there is something holding me back from being truly happy with myself, from finding that bliss that one of dear friend talks about all the time, that bliss where it doesn't matter what other people say or think about him, he is still going to be and do him. for 19 damn years i have worked my way to find that bliss and yeah i made some progress somewhat but at the cost of what? i am so tired of feeling less than myself when other people decide they want to make me feel less than what i am. i am a damn good person and i know sometimes i am my own worst critic, and i know i have made lots of mistakes but who hasn't? someone once said whether you choose to be happy or you choose to be sad, it takes the same amount of work and from this day on, i have decided to be happy, life is too short to be anything but happy, you are going to die either way, so its your choice whether u want to be happy or sad. dont let anyone else make that choice for u.

A special thanks

2009-06-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

i want to give a special thanks to everyone that ever did anything to hurt me. i am grateful for every trial and every tribulation i had and still am going through. of course often when we go through these, we think "why me, what did i do to deserve this", and it is easy for us to give up the fight because whats ahead is not clear to us, because we have been predestined to not have patience, to get everything we want when we want it, not knowing that what we want more often than not is not what we need. my whole life i have been searching for love in other's people, letting them hurt me in the process, i thought i had to be perfect for people to love me. i am now beginning to realize that there was a process. what i didnt realize was that i had to love myself wholy first, i had to accept me for me faults and all, then i had to love him, the perfect one and realize that no one on this planet can love me like he can. no one can do for me what he can. i had to realize this in order for me to finally find he that who is supposed to attain to love me as he loves me. everything i went through brought me here to this moment in my life, all of the pain i had to go through most of which i caused myself has finally begun to make sense. you see God wants you to be prepared for what he has in store for you, he has to make sure that you are ready for what he has set for you to do on this earth. he takes you through a process so at the end you can become the most beautiful and amazing image of him just like he created you to be. just like a diamond, which has to be dug from the dirt, there is a process to get it from that dirty rock in the ground to that beautiful piece of jewelry you buy in the store. i am not going to say that i am already that perfect stone, what i will say is that i know now my true potential, i appreciate the process and the people along it. i have now realized that i have a God's given talent that no man on earth can take away from me, no matter how hard they try. so for everyone out there who hurt me in anyway, I THANK YOU. I have gained more than i lost, so it was worth it.

introduction

2009-06-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

so i am sitting here and i am pondering upon the question who are you? i have absolutely have no idea how to answer this question and i am thinking that no one out there does either. i mean it is pretty easy to describe your qualities and faults or at least what you think they are. the best that you can do is possibly describe yourself in certain situations. how many of us out there really know ourselves? i don think any of us does.
many of us are familiar with the quote "i think therefore i am" what does that really mean? who are we in this big maze that we call life? are we a piece of a puzzle? or the piece of a game like the matrix? all these questions crowd my mind as i am trying to answer the question who am i?
my name is christelle madeleine yemeck, i was born in 1989 so i am about to be 20 years old. i know these to be facts. everything else that i would tell you about me basically cannot be proven by me and is subject to change at anytime... so is it safe to say that the "who" part of ourselves is unknown? because in mathematics a changing answer also known as a variable can adapt many things and cant never be one thing, thus we really do not know what "it" ever is.
if i am getting too complicated, i am sorry. the truth is, at least i should say my truth is, because again as one of my famous scientist said: our reality is what we perceive it to be, so my truth might not be your truth... my truth is, our life and who we are is a big puzzle that never gets solved...i mean you get pretty close to solving it but then find another piece and you have to start all over. so life is a continuous cycle... it is all about starting over.