Life after addiction

2010-07-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am rapidly settling in. I am headed back to T-town to have a moving sale this weekend. I am not happy about going, but it is part of what I have to do. I have met a few people here and I think Atlanta suits me. So here I will be for a while. By the grace of GOD I am sane and alllmost contant.

2010-07-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th to all. Today I found a Church that feels like home to me. YEHHHHH!! Metro North.Lots of music. I feel so good tonite. My mother called today. First good conversation with her since I arrived in Atlanta. My babygirl is heading back to T-town for a visit. I think I will take advantage of some alone time. Clean and sober another day. Its getting easier. Trusting in the fact I cant make this happen on self will is almost a relief today. Praying for better days to ome. May God bless and keep you all.

2010-07-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to GODs grace. What a way to wake up. Its all uphill from here. Its hard for me sometimes to trust in that, but its getting easier as i go. The one thing that surprised me most in treatment,is that it had little to do with the drugs. It was about me, dealing with the past,present and future. I was given tools to use to help me do that dealing in a healthy way. I just have to use the tools. I think this is like everything else I take on that is new to me. I have to practise to get it done. The thing is, this is not a new hobby, its my life. And everything I ever new before about survival is not healthy.So here i go.I am already knee deep, I mize well take the plunge!!

2010-07-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

WOW!! WHAT A DAY.I THINK IF FIGURED IT OUT. BUT THAT ALWAYS GET ME IN TROUBLE.HA HA. THIS LESSON WAS TO COMPLETELY TRUST IN AND RELY ON HIM. NO ONE OR ANYTHING ELSE. GROWING PAINS. I THINK I ALMOST GOT IT. WE WILL SEE. IT WAS A MUCH BETTER DAY.I STILL FEEL A LITTLE LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER,BUT I AM CLEAN AND SOBER. AND TRUSTING MORE IN GOD TODAY THAN YESTERDAY.SO WITH THAT, ITHINK I WILL BORE YALL WITH ANOTHER POEM. I WROTE THIS ONE WHEN I WAS 14,I THINK. ITS ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

BEAUTY AND THE SOUL

BEAUTY TOUCHED HER HAIR AND EYES;STILL SHE TOLD LIES
BEAUTY TOUCHED HER LIPS AND NECK;STILL SHE WAS A WRECK
BEAUTY TOUCHED HER ARMS AND SHOULDERS;STILL SHE GREW COLDER
BEAUTY TOUCHED HER CURVES AND FINGERS;STILL HER WORDS WERE LIKE STINGERS
BEAUTY TOUCHED HER LEGS AND FEET;STILL HER MIND GREW WEAK
FOR BEAUTY FORGOT ITS MOST IMPORTANT GOAL;BEAUTY FORGOT TO TOUCH THAT YOUNG GIRLS SOUL.

HOPE U LIKE IT.

SAVAGE IS THE BEAST,BLACK IS HIS HEART.
HIS ONLY DESIRE IS TO TAKE ME APART.
BUT SURVIVE I MUST, FOR IN GOD I WILL TRUST.

2010-06-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Its been a long,slow day.Sometimes, when I get in my head, things seem so hard. Then I remember the days back home. GOD is sufficent. My hardest day clean and sober doesnt touch the pain I felt on "the good days" when I was using. I just have to keep on keeping on. I am looking foward to tomorrow. Damn these growing pains. This to shall pass. Goodnite to all.

2010-06-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

Another day. Spent today filling out paper work to go back to school. God willing it will all fall into place. It sure seems like I have to pray a bunch these days. Maybe no more than others, but it feels that way.I wonder if GOD looks down at me ,shaking his head at the craziness i can create. I sure do. Self will is a bitch. Anyway I am clean and sober another day. I am a better person today than yesterday. If I have enough days, I might turn out alright!!

Happy Birthday to my love. May GOD bless and keep you.

2010-06-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

I AM NOT READY FOR THE BEGINNING OF THIS STORY. I AM SURE TO RAMBLE AND JUMP THRU TIME. FORGIVE THE ADDICT IN ME AND JUST FEEL MY WORDS, IF YOU WILL.
I AM NOW IN ATLANTA,GA. I HAVE LEFT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE I HAVE KNOWN UP TO THIS POINT IN MY LIFE. MY GOD IS GUIDING ME AND PROTECTING ME ON THIS JOURNEY.I HAVE BEEN ALIVE FOR 37 YEARS, BUT TRULY HAVE NOT LIVED. I INTEND ON SPENDING THE NEXT 37,GOD WILLING, LEARNING HOW TO LIVE. I FEEL NOW. I RECOGNIZE FEELINGS I HAVE. SOMETIMES I EVEN UNDERSTAND THEM. THAT ALL ALONE IS A MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR ME. GOD HAS BLESSED ME OVER AND OVER. HE HAS AT TIMES HAD TO DRAG ME KICKING AND SCREAMING DOWN THIS
ROAD JUST TO GET ME TO MY NEXT ONE. BUT WITHOUT FAIL HE GETS ME THERE. SO SINCE I AM STARTING THIS NEW JOURNEY, I THOUGHT I MIGHT SHARE A LITTLE AS I GO.I HAVE NEVER LET PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME. I GAVE JUST ENOUGH OF ME, THE REST I WOULDNT SHARE. NOW I AM GETTING TO KNOW ME AND THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO TAKE A FEW FOLKS WITH ME. PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON AND FOLLOW AT YOUR OWN RISK CAUSE I HAVE BEEN PROMISED WHATS TO COME AND ALREADY KNOW ITS GOING TO BE A HELL OF A RIDE.ONE DAY AT A TIME OFCOURSE!!!

2010-06-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

5 days into treatment I wrote this. I thought it was about the people around me until 4 weeks into treatment. It shook my entire being when I realized it was about me.

Here I sit among the wounded.
wounds so clumsily closed
here I sit
wounds ready to be openly exposed
here I sit
hearing cries of pain, so full of guilt and shame
here I sit
smelling the scent of fear. fear of somehow being healed,somehow being whole
here I sit
touching the very spirit of this,hot to the touch,burning to be known
here I sit among the wounded
here I sit with this mirror,alone.