Low self-esteem can affect any woman – even women who by your standards seem to have everything: intelligence, achievements, looks, wealth, great friends, families who love them, and partners who think the world of them. One reason for this is that self-esteem is less contingent on your image, relationships, social circle, and success and more strongly correlated with your level of self-respect and your ability to stand up for yourself.

A common misconception that women have about being assertive and standing up for themselves is that they will come off as aggressive, unapproachable witches. They’ll rock the boat. They’ll hurt someone’s feelings. They’ll bruise someone’s ego. They’ll step on someone’s toes. They’ll put someone out. They’ll make someone uncomfortable.

That’s a load of crap, and unless you get rid of those misconceptions about assertion, your self-esteem will stay in the toilet.

Assertion is not aggression. Assertion is not manipulation. Assertion is not about belittling or disrespecting other people.

Assertion is about knowing yourself, your values, and your ability to clearly communicate your expectations to other people while simultaneously maintaining respect for them. Assertion is knowing that have the right to your own feelings and beliefs. Assertion is knowing that you have the right to have your personal boundaries respected.

The point of asserting yourself is to make it known that you will not tolerate inappropriate or disrespectful behaviour. Shirking away from defending yourself both weakens you and conditions you to repeat that behaviour in the future. Unfortunately, as women many of us do shrink back rather than defend ourselves for fear of being perceived as aggressive. Remember though, that every time someone disrespects you and you accept it by retreating with your tail between your legs, you are telling that person loud and clear that treating you poorly is permissible behaviour. You are also reinforcing to yourself that it is okay to be treated that way. You’re setting a precedent that you will kowtow to the demands of others without so much as a peep. You are degrading your own level of respect in the hope of being liked more by other people, when in reality most simply see you as a doormat; useful to rub a bit of dog shit on before walking over, but not much else.

Let’s look at an example. When I was still in school, I was one of the quiet bookworm kids who was picked on by the more popular kids. One popular girl in particular thought it was an absolute hoot to sneak up behind me and pull my hair. At first, I tolerated her behaviour and hoped she would eventually just leave me alone, which of course never happened. All I did by refusing to stand up for myself was teach her three things: 1.) she could treat me like crap, 2.) I’d do nothing about it, and 3.) all of her friends would continue to think that she was tough and cool, and indirectly lose respect for me in the process. That was, until one day she pushed me a bit too far. Miss Popular pulled my hair one too many times, and I stood up and belted her in front of everyone. The embarrassment of having an entire classroom of schoolchildren staring in open-mouthed silence as I walloped her is something I’m sure she never forgot. Needless to say, Miss Popular never laid another finger on me. And neither did anyone else.

What happened here was that Miss Popular had initially associated bullying me with pleasure. By bullying me, she felt big and important in front of her friends, who thought that her behaviour was funny. The second I decided to stop putting up with being mistreated was the second that her unacceptable behaviour stopped. When I stood up for myself, I thoroughly embarrassed her. It wasn’t rocket science – all I did was make the risk of her embarrassment too great to warrant her trying to bully me anymore. It was a fun game for her while it was easy. It wasn’t fun or easy once I chose to stop being a victim.

It’s exactly the same in all areas of your life. If you’re the type of woman who regularly tolerates disrespect from the people around you and appeases everyone at the expense of your own self-esteem, don’t expect the way people treat you to change. I’m not saying go out there and give everyone who bothers you a clip under the ear (unless it’s in self-defence), but if you feel disrespected by someone, call them on it. Make them accountable to their words and actions. Don’t let people get away with putting you down, calling you names, or taking you for granted. Shake up the relationship dynamics and stand up for yourself. Let people know that if they want to dish out disrespect to somebody, it sure as hell won’t be you.

Standing up for yourself when someone disrespects you, or treats you poorly, or otherwise encroaches on your mental or physical wellbeing will do wonders for your self-esteem. Try it for yourself and see.

I clearly remember the night that I was arguing with my abuser when he head-butted me in the face. Despite him being bigger, stronger, unpredictable, intimidating and drunk, something in my brain snapped. I grabbed him by the shirt and and threatened him, instead of the other way around. What I felt in that short space of time was an all-consuming, intense, unadulterated, adrenaline-fuelled fury. For that fleeting moment, size, strength, and even danger to my own life became insignificant. I snapped back to the “me” I had been before domestic violence. Before the emotional beatings. Before being paralysed in the state of learned helplessness. It was at that moment that something deep in my soul finally cried out to me, that no matter how badly I thought of myself, I never, ever deserved to be treated like that.

I’m certainly not the only abuse victim to have reached this critical mass of emotion. Every domestic violence survivor has experienced it to varying degrees. Julia* took a knife to her abuser’s throat after being beaten one too many times. Leanna* saw the fear in her abuser’s eyes as she threatened to stab him while he slept if he ever laid a finger on her children. She would endure his relentless abuse day after day, but she recognised her worth as a mother and a protector of her children to the point that she would have killed him had he harmed them – and he knew it.

This is the “fuck this” moment, more appropriately known as intense cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance occurs when you strongly identify with an outcome that is not yet true. In the case of the domestic violence victim, the outcome is being free of the abusive relationship.

In order for this cognitive dissonance to take place, an abuser has to cross your personal line of respect by treating you worse than you would ever treat yourself. Your brain has to be forced into a position where it can no longer rationalise his behaviour against your most deeply held values or beliefs. Once this occurs, you experience a powerful cognitive shift. In that split second, it becomes more painful for you to stay in the relationship than what it would be to leave.

Some women break off the relationship then and there and never go back. This is usually what happens when women with high self-esteem see the first red flag of trouble in their relationships. Women with low self-esteem take longer. I had rock-bottom self-esteem, and it took me another three months after my initial “fuck this” moment for my reality to catch up with my desired outcome. In the case of some women, the process takes years. Some never escape and are either abused for life or are murdered by their abusers.

Abusive relationships manifest when a woman’s internal environment of low self-esteem meets an abuser’s external environment of continuous negative reinforcement. Women with low self-esteem magnify their faults to gigantic proportions while simultaneously disregarding all of the good things about themselves – the exact same thing that the abuser does. The external conditions reinforce the victim’s internal beliefs. She becomes trapped in a state of learned helplessness as her self-image gradually atrophies.

The decision to leave an abusive relationship is not easy, even after a powerful “fuck this” moment. It is NOT simply a case of “well, if he treats her so badly, why doesn’t she just leave?” Making the decision to leave requires tremendous inner strength and courage, as she is making this decision against nearly insurmountable odds. On top of the paralytic state of learned helplessness and the same feelings of loss that everyone feels at the end of a relationship (which are magnified in the unhealthy co-dependence of an abuser-victim relationship), abusers routinely threaten to hunt down and kill victims if they try to escape. They may threaten hurt or kill a victim’s family members, friends, or children. They may threaten to take custody of the victim’s children. On top of this, the victims often have no money and no support network, as the abuser has severed their ties to the world outside of the relationship. These women are stuck in a torturous cycle of being being raped, beaten, burnt, forced to do drugs, and slashed with knives, believing that there is no way out other than to risk their abuser inflicting pain and possibly death upon themselves and everyone they love. It takes the type of courage that most people have never had to summon in their entire lives to leave an established abusive relationship, no matter what the cost.

Don’t think that domestic violence can’t happen to you or that you don’t know anyone that is being or has been abused. You do. Domestic violence is very common, but is still surrounded by such a social taboo that it is not discussed openly. Think about how many women you know personally, then consider that statistically, one in every four of those women has experienced some form of domestic violence in her lifetime. If you want to avoid becoming a statistic yourself, one of the best things you can do is to hold yourself in high regard. Make sure you have high self-esteem and high standards that you will hold yourself and your partner to before you even consider starting a relationship. Your relationship standard should never be, “well, he puts me down and calls me names and embarrasses me in front of my friends and family, but he doesn’t hit me so it’s okay”. NO! Your standard should be “I absolutely refuse to tolerate anyone in my life who doesn’t treat me with the utmost respect, love, honesty, and kindness. I deserve the BEST, and anyone who gives me less than that can take a long walk off a short pier!”

Ladies – please don’t wait for an abuse-induced “fuck this” moment before you start to realise your self-worth. You absolutely do NOT have to tolerate men treating you badly. There are plenty of good men out there who would be honoured to date you and treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Have your “fuck this” moment right now. Dump the losers who don’t respect you and hold out for one of the great men who will.

Then it starts.

Relationship Jealousy: The Red Flags

You notice that he seems a little too downhearted when you go to visit your family. He seems a little too disappointed when you want to spend time with friends. He seems a little too surprised that you want some time to yourself instead of spending it with him. He seems a little too upset that you need to study. He seems a little too worried that you’re home from work five minutes late. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but you start to notice that your relationships with other people are more strained. You begin to feel more distant from other people and the hobbies you once enjoyed. It’s more difficult to block out some quality time to yourself. You feel as though you have to constantly placate and reassure him, justifying everything you do just so he doesn’t feel left out.

Being cut off from other people or activities is a big relationship red flag. You don’t notice this in the early stages of a relationship because the desire to spend as much time as possible together is mutual. This is called the honeymoon phase. It’s an important part of any relationship, but it doesn’t – and shouldn’t – last forever. During this phase of the relationship, you’re far more likely to ignore danger signs that you’d usually be wary of. You put your partner on a pedestal, and convince yourself that you’re over-reacting.

You’re not.

A partner who wants to spend a healthy amount of time with you whilst maintaining other important relationships and activities is sweet. A partner who wants to spend every moment together to the exclusion of everyone and everything else who becomes sullen if you do something without him is not. A partner who wants you “all to himself” is not romantic – it’s dangerous.

All to himself, by definition, means devoid of anyone else. No friends. No family. No colleagues. No random talking to strangers.

All to himself is code for “I don’t trust you enough to have anything to do with other men.”

All to himself is code for “I don’t want you speaking to your friends or family about me, because they know the way I treat you isn’t normal, and they’ll convince you to leave me.”

All to himself is code for “I’m scared that if you spend time with other people, then you’ll have less time for me.”

All to himself is code for “I don’t want you to experience any more than what you already know. If you experience more and discover that it’s better than me, you’ll leave.”

All to himself is code for “I’m terrified I’ll lose you, so I have to know and control your every move to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Wanting to keep someone all to yourself is a sign of massive insecurity. Don’t mistake his over-protectiveness for him caring about you. To him, this isn’t about love. This is a game of power and control. Once you submit to placating your overly jealous partner, you’ve relinquished your power in the relationship. Having to justify yourself becomes a tiring daily normality. While the occasional reassurance is fine, being required to explain your every move to an overly-paranoid partner is not. Tread carefully if you choose to stay. His level of insecurity can propel you headlong into the cycle of emotional abuse. Don’t think that it won’t and can’t happen to you – it can.

By not spending time with other people, you lose the basis of normality against which to compare your relationship. In order to spend an ever-increasing amount of time with your partner, you have to take that time from somewhere else. That place is usually your other relationships. The less time you spend maintaining your other relationships, the weaker the connections become. When you spend most of your time focussing on pleasing your partner at any cost, a dangerous emotional dependence forms. Once this emotional dependence is established, it’s easy for him to start abusing you.

Don’t lose yourself in your relationship. You may think that you’re being the good girlfriend by trying to keep your partner happy, but you’re digging your own grave.

What If I’m Jealous of My Boyfriend?

What happens to fire when it doesn’t have enough oxygen? The flame gets weaker. The more you restrict the oxygen, the weaker the flame becomes. Eventually, the lack of oxygen will smother the fire, and it will die out completely.

Your relationship fire and your boyfriend’s desire for you will suffer the same fate if you don’t chill out and give him some space. You need to realise that while he loves spending time with you, he also loves to spend time with his family, time with his friends, and time to do his own thing. He needs other people, other perspectives, other experiences – just like you do. As much as you may want to provide all of these things for your partner, you can’t provide them all of the time.

Spending time apart is healthy for your relationship. It gives you the chance to miss and appreciate one another more. Like the fire, your relationship needs to breathe to survive. Give it what it needs if you want your relationship fire to keep burning strong.

Readers – what are your tips on dealing with jealousy in a relationship? What helps you to keep the green-eyed monster in check if you are the jealous partner?

This type of behaviour is permissible if you’re 14 years old, heartbroken, and blindly trying to navigate your way out of your first love. It’s not cool when you’re supposed to be a fully-functioning, emotionally mature adult. Fact: mature men who have genuine confidence in themselves do not feel the need to rub shit in your face in order to feel better about themselves after a break-up.

This isn’t rocket science, ladies. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together can see from a mile away that his childish little acts of vengeance are thinly-veiled attempts to mask his insecurity and crushed ego. He’s angry, hurt, and wants you to feel as bad and rejected as what he does. Unfortunately for your poor, recently shattered little heart, the knowledge that your ex is acting like an tool doesn’t help in the slightest. All of his little barbs hurt like crazy.

Don’t fall into the trap of making excuses for him. “He’s only lashing out because he cares” is a load of horse excrement and you know it. We ladies hurt after break-ups too, but we deal with it by buying boxes of chocolates and tissues, crying, calling the girls over, and watching Bridget Jones Diary together for the umpteenth time. A person’s natural reaction to emotional pain is one thing. Him consciously conniving to cut you down and undermine your self-worth is a different beast entirely. At the very least, the fact that a man who was supposed to love you tries to rip your heart a bit further out of your chest when you’re at your most vulnerable should give you a damn good clue to his true colours.

You are the person who chooses how much pain you want to suffer at the end of a relationship, not your ex. If you have been involved with the type of guy who continues to play hurtful games with you, it’s time pull your head out of your arse and wise up. Stop playing the victim. Yes, your ex may very well be an twit, but a relationship is a two-player game. You need to realise that the only reason that he’s still playing with you is that you haven’t said, “game over”. Stop playing his little game, and you’ll stop being his little toy. You have better things to do than to squander your energy playing with someone who isn’t worthy of inhaling the same oxygen molecules as you.

Of course, calling “game over” with someone when you have mutual friends isn’t always a walk in the park. If you have no mutual friends, it is not necessary to maintain any contact at all. However, most couples share at least some mutual friends, and this is where it gets tricky. Breaking up with an emotionally mature man on good terms is difficult enough. It still hurts, but you don’t feel the need maliciously hurt each other, put your friends on the spot, or make it harder for each another to move on. These exes may be genuinely nice people with whom you would be comfortable maintaining a friendship after sufficient time has passed, and that’s fine. Notice the key words there though – after sufficient time has passed. There is absolutely no point whatsoever in trying to be friends with an ex-boyfriend without giving yourself sufficient time to heal from the relationship. Break-ups hurt regardless of who initiated them. They leave a big hole, and that hole takes time to heal.

On the other hand, there is no point in maintaining friendly or even civil contact if your ex is emotionally toxic or has the maturity level of a toddler. If this is the case, the best thing to do is to sever all contact without exception. You can see your mutual friends at separate times. You need to give yourself plenty of distance, because you can’t objectively assess this person’s place in your new life until you take off your rose-coloured glasses. Yes, it will hurt in the short term to cut yourself off from him. In the long run however, lack of contact hurts much less than frequent and consistent contacts that never allow the wound in your heart to heal.

Breaking up is like cutting your finger. If you dip your freshly-cut hand in lemon juice, it hurts. A lot. For a time, your entire focus will be devoted to that pain. However, if you give that cut six months to heal, you won’t even notice the lemon juice where the cut used to be. The same can be said for romantic feelings. The right time have any contact whatsoever with an ex-boyfriend is when anything you hear about him is water off a duck’s back.

Be the duck before you go jumping into the water.

That was something my brother said to me about one of my previous relationships. It has stuck in my head ever since. Of course, I didn’t see it that way at the time. In my eyes, if I was bringing the book down on someone’s head than I had a damn good reason for it. And if I had to bring it down often, then the boy in question obviously had some serious shaping up to do!

While our sensitive little egos and feelings would love to take all the blame in an argument and dump it on our partners, the reality of the situation is not that simple.

Relationships are tough work, and making a relationship successful is one of life’s biggest challenges. Your partner is the person who knows more about you than anyone. When they hurt you, break your trust, act carelessly, or are simply human and make a mistake, it hurts so much more than when anyone else does it.

Regardless of your anger or hurt feelings, being overly harsh on your partner and forcing them into the “YOU’RE WRONG!” corner is not the best way to deal with a relationship conflict. It’s a win-lose approach. The only way that you’re going to feel good resolving a conflict with that mindset is if they admit fault. Sure, your partner may admit fault just to keep the peace, and submission on either side once or twice isn’t going to break your relationship. However, a consistent win-lose approach to conflict resolution builds resentment over the long term because one partner feels as though their feelings are being sidelined. It also ignores the fact that there are two people in the relationship who contribute to the outcomes.

Loving another person involves wanting the best for them and caring about their feelings and well-being. A loving, healthy relationship doesn’t have room for one party on a power trip. Relationships that involve arguments with yelling, screaming, name-calling, one party trying to assert dominance over the other, cold-shoulder fights that last for days, or one person trying to corner the other into being “wrong” are headed for trouble. In loving, healthy relationships, both partners need to feel loved, respected, trusted, and important. They both need to feel as though their input matters and that they have a say in the course of the relationship.

Do you care about getting “one-up” on your partner by making yourself right and them wrong, or do you care more about nurturing your relationship by loving and respecting one another?

A better way to resolve conflicts is to genuinely try to understand each other. If you’re feeling upset or frustrated, do something to keep your temper in check before you sit down to discuss your relationship problems. Angry people do not negotiate well, so take a walk, play a video game, or have a coffee with a friend. Do whatever works for you to calm you down. Then listen. I don’t mean sit there with your eyes glazed over until it’s your turn to talk. I mean LISTEN to your partner’s feelings and concerns. They may not rate on the scale of importance to you, but to your partner they may be critical. Ignoring their concerns disrespects your partner and belittles their feelings. That disrespect is a surefire way to build resentment in your relationship and subsequently lowers your partner’s desire to understand you in turn. You owe it to yourself, your partner, and to your relationship to talk the problem through sensibly.

No relationship is perfect. Even the best, most healthy relationships aren’t without problems. It’s how you deal with those problems and treat each other when you’re both upset that determines whether your disagreements will build resentment and tear your relationship apart, or build trust and help it grow stronger.

Congratulations! You’ve met the “perfect” guy. You have heaps of chemistry, but there’s a small caveat: he’s been “hurt in the past” and “isn’t ready for a relationship just yet” so you’re “taking things slow” and giving him plenty of “space” to “help him work through his feelings” without “pressure.”

Oh! Oh! Let me guess…your “relationship” involves spending time together on HIS terms, you not making plans with your friends in case HE calls, while sleeping together and doing everything for him that a girlfriend would do, but without the love, respect, friendship, and security of a real relationship, right?

Yeah, yeah…I’ve heard it all before. I don’t “know him like you do.” I don’t “understand” what you two have together. I don’t see what it’s like “in the good times.”

But you “understand” right? You just “know” that all you have to do is just keep “being there for him” and eventually he’ll come to his senses and realise you’re the woman of his dreams.

Yeeeeeeeah…allow me to briefly translate for those of you who have been on the receiving end of these comments:

He says: I’ve been hurt in the past.
He means: Sure, I’m hurting and still into my ex-girlfriend, but screwing you will make me feel better.

He says: I’m not ready for a relationship just yet.
He means: I’m not into you and I don’t want a relationship with you AT ALL, but we can definitely sleep together.

He says: I want to take things slow.
He means: I want to take things slow EMOTIONALLY…but we can still sleep together.

He says: I need space.
He means: I don’t have the balls to say it, but I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.

He says: I need time to work through my feelings.
He means: I need to get over my ex – preferably by banging someone – and you’re just the person to help me.

He says: I don’t want any pressure.
He means: I don’t want the responsibility of a relationship, but of course we can still sleep together.

Does he love you?! If you have to ask the question, you know the answer.

Ladies, these comments don’t randomly pop out of a vacuum and manifest themselves into your relationship reality. There are warning signs. Maybe his behaviour prior to this point in your relationship had your bullshit radar beeping. Maybe you just had that niggling feeling of doubt in the back of your mind that you wanted different things out of the relationship. If you’re genuinely shocked to hear any of these comments coming from the mouth of your beau, then you’ve been living in your fantasy, not the reality of your relationship.

You’re not alone.

Many women waste their precious time with men who don’t love, appreciate, or respect them due to low self-esteem. Self-esteem is the hook upon which the rest of your relationships hang. Women with low self-esteem tolerate poor treatment and lack of respect in their relationships. Even worse, they are prime targets for abusers, users and energy vampires. It’s far easier for an abuser or manipulator to attach themselves to woman with low self-esteem than to wear down the self-esteem of a strong woman. These types of men are like leeches; they attach themselves to you, then drop off into the wilderness when they’ve had their fill, leaving you wounded and bleeding. They are parasites that take without regard for your feelings. Unfortunately, it’s easy for the leeches to take advantage of women with low self-esteem, because they rarely protect themselves from being manipulated and used. They don’t believe that they are worth protecting or that they can do any better.

Don’t let that woman be you. You ARE worth protecting, and you are worth far in excess than what your leech leads you to believe.

Expending time and energy on a dead-end relationship simultaneously reduces your chances of meeting someone who is perfect for you.You won’t find great partner if you don’t open yourself to the opportunity to do so. Stop piss-farting around and making excuses for the leeches who aren’t worth your time, and start spending your time with someone who does.

Eventually, I realised that the problem had zilch to do with him and everything to do with me. The real problem wasn’t, “This boy wears the same clothes every day”, it was, “I don’t have the strength of character to do the same.”

We don’t have problems with other people. Our judgment and subsequent dislike for someone is inversely proportional to our perceived ability to deal with them.

Take a moment to think about the type of people who push your buttons.

Do loud people who always have to be the centre of attention bother you? Why? Perhaps it is due to an underlying desire to improve your social skills and express yourself more effectively. Your ego projects your lack of self-confidence as dislike for the loud person.

Do you dislike aggressive people who try to intimidate others? Why? Maybe it’s because you know you don’t have the balls to stand up for yourself if they were to try to intimidate you. Your ego projects your lack of self-assertion as dislike for the aggressive person.

Do strongly spiritual people irritate you? Why? Maybe you’re jealous that they they have such passion and certainty in their beliefs that they’re willing to centre their lives around their spirituality. Your ego projects your lack of passion as dislike for the spiritual person.

Do you have a problem with atheists? Why? Could it be that you don’t have the courage to look past blind faith and question the validity of religion for yourself? The ego projects your lack of courage as dislike for the atheist.

Instead of looking for reasons why you dislike a person, look for ways you can improve yourself. When you accept yourself, you simultaneously accept everyone else, and vice versa.

What a beautiful world it would be if we could all just accept our fellow humans without judgment.

Once we achieve whatever goal we have set, we are happy…for a little while.

Achieving goals gives you a temporary high, but it’s a short-lived feeling of achievement and accomplishment. Shortly after, you can be left feeling flat and empty. This makes sense – after you’ve achieved a big goal, you’re no longer dedicating a large chunk of your time to achieving it. If you have nothing with which to fill that time, you’re bound to feel a void.

The key mistake here is your belief that the goal itself will make you happy. You’re making the assumption that happiness is a fixed pinnacle at some point in life that you reach and say “That’s it! I’m happy now, so I’m just going to roll with the status quo, kick back and do nothing!”

No.

Happiness is not a finish line. Happiness is an ever-expanding journey that is relative to where you are and what you have achieved in your life. As humans we’re always seeking change and challenge. As soon as we hit the bar, we set it higher.

Finding your unique path on the journey to happiness can be difficult if you can’t see past what you’ve been conditioned to desire. We live in an advertisement-laden society that preys upon our insecurities in order to sell us something. Constant exposure and conditioning makes it easy to buy into all the marketing hype and accept the default goals of society as our own. Consequently, you chase goals that have been predefined for you. Usually, this goes something along the lines of: Finish school. Buy a car. Get a degree. Get a well-paying job. Buy a better car. Make lots of money. Find a partner. Get married. Buy a house. Have kids. Buy a bigger house, etc.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with the above goals. They are all worthy milestones on the path of life – on the proviso that you’ve consciously chosen to achieve them and are not just walking the path expected of you.

But those goals in and of themselves are not going to fulfil you.

Happiness is not money in the bank, a ring on your finger, a house in the best neighbourhood, or a shiny new car. Happiness is the experience, the journey, the process. It is getting caught up in what you love to do. It’s seeking out change, contribution, challenge, and fun in your life.

Happiness is listening to the voice of your heart.

How can you get back in touch with what will make you happy? One of the best ways I know of is to take some time to be completely alone. Go camping, or get a cabin in the country for the week. Turn off your phone. Turn off your TV. Turn off your computer. Don’t use Facebook or Twitter. For one week, disconnect yourself from the incessant inflow of information and just be. The only items you should take apart from clothes and toiletries are a notepad and pen. Then just reflect and write. Anything that comes to mind. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s rubbish. Just do it. You will find that when you have no mental stimulation other than your own thoughts, you will think. A lot. And at first, a lot of it will be unimportant random tripe. But after few days with no external mental stimulation, you will begin to hear the soft whisper of what you really want to do. You’ll feel a pull towards certain activities and feel frustrated that you don’t have the resources to begin right away.

That’s the voice of your heart. Follow the voice. It may not lead you to the path right away, but it will point you in the right direction.

You may have felt that your friendship suddenly switched gears. It used to be so easy to talk, but after your success you noticed that there was an underlying tension. You felt as though you couldn’t share your feelings and dreams with your friend anymore. You felt uncomfortable talking about the good things in your life for fear that it would make them feel inadequate.

People become friends because of their similarities, so generally good friends tend to have similar views, social statuses, financial statuses, or relationship statuses. When you begin a friendship on one level and the status quo later shifts, it’s natural that the friendship is going to experience an upheaval. This is especially true if the shift was within one of your common points of interest.

Intensely positive changes in your life can be a difficult and threatening time for your friend. When something great happens for you, it shines a harsh and unflattering light on their own inadequacies. It’s not that they actually begrudge you your success or even mean to be jealous of you. They could be upset that it’s something they haven’t achieved yet, or maybe they’re concerned that you won’t want or need them as a friend anymore.

On the other hand, if you’re the one noticing jealousy rearing it’s ugly head in your friendships, it’s high time you changed your perspective. If you know someone who has achieved more than you, don’t try to bring them down. Instead, look at the situation as an opportunity for them to help bring you up! These people are your resources, not your competitors! They have what you’re striving towards, so learn from them.

As an example, do you have a friend who nice men seem to flock to, but they seem to run screaming from you? Stop watching Bridget Jones Diary for the fifth time, pick up the phone, organise to go out with your friend and get her to show you the ropes.

Are you struggling to pay rent while a friend kicks back and sips piña coladas at the beach? Call her for coffee, ask her to mentor you, then sit down, shut up, and listen.

Do you have a friend who can entertain effortlessly? She just seems to have a knack for making parties and dinners run like clockwork, whereas last time you tried, you ended up with a fire in your oven. Next time you’re entertaining, tell her you want to learn and get her on board!

Personally, I always prefer to hang out with people who, subjectively speaking, are “better” than me in some aspect of my life. For example,

• My partner is much more loving and compassionate than I am. I learn from him every day how to be a more gentle and loving person.
• A friend of mine is very talented at making his money work for him, and I converse with him about investment whenever I can.
• A girlfriend of mine is fantastic at sensing how people are feeling and counselling them through problems. I’ve never had a problem yet that she hasn’t been able to talk me through. Whenever friends of mine have problems, I try to be as understanding, patient, and helpful as her.
• Other friends are very entrepreneurial and are always thinking of new streams of income. I love listening to their conversations and asking questions to understand how they think.
• Yet another friend is the most social person I know. She can throw a party and bring people together with her hands tied behind her back and blindfolded. Whenever I plan something, I try to emulate her style.

Remember, you may look up to people in a certain area of your life, but the people you admire have their own idols.

Most people like to feel important and knowledgable, so they’ll likely be flattered and willing to help you if they know that you’re genuinely interested in learning. Stop looking your gift-horses in your mouth and cherish them for the treasures they are. Not only will your friendships will improve when you’re not courting the green-eyed monster, you’ll learn something to improve your own life.

No.

I admired her because she was strong. Assertive. As I observed this interesting woman go about her day, and I noticed that she would give her time generously to other people. During multilingual conversations, she would translate for people who didn’t speak Spanish, or Portuguese, or English, or whatever language was currently being spoken. She took the time to help people with physical and emotional pain by giving them massages, teaching them yoga, and listening to them discuss their problems.

Everyone liked this woman. She was one of the most popular people in her community. She had a friendly, outgoing and giving nature, however, there was something else about her that made her stand out.

She wasn’t a people-pleaser. She would happily give to others, but she knew her boundaries and had no qualms whatsoever about enforcing them. I observed her friend with a sore shoulder approach her and request a massage. The Brazilian woman simply said, “I will have a look later. I’ve been giving and giving all day, and right now I need some time to myself.” Her injured friend was whiny and persistent, but the Brazilian woman ignored the manipulation and simply repeated, “No”.

Unlike the Brazilian woman, many of us will submit to unreasonable or badly-timed requests in order to be popular or to keep the peace. This happens in relationships with family, friends, partners, colleagues, and even people we don’t know well. We may think we’re simply not rocking the boat and keeping the peace, but those are just euphemisms for being spineless. We don’t rock the boat because we fear the possible rejection by our peer group if we dared to assert ourselves.

You’re not going to step on many toes being passive, but you’re certainly not going to command the respect for your time and for yourself that the Brazilian woman commanded.

I’m not saying that you should never comply with requests. I’m saying if you’re busy or need some time to yourself to recoup, kowtowing to the whims of other people will just result in you harbouring resentment for yourself for being a pushover and resentment for others for not respecting your time.

Ask yourself what sort of relationships you want. Do you want relationships with people who only like you because you’re a doormat? Or would you rather assert your wants and needs and be liked for who you really are?