No, I’m not suicidal, thanks for asking. I mean my life is changing. Not just a little change. I’m talking dramatically. Massively. The type of change where I quit my job, pack up, and rack off somewhere for an unspecified amount of time doing unspecified activities with unspecified goals with no idea how I’m going to finance it or what the hell I’m going to do when and if I return.

Introspection

This last week or so I’ve spent a lot of time on massive introspection. By the end of it I’d come up with a rough plan and timeline of how I’m going to change things. I spoke with my mastermind group about it for three hours straight and blurted out the depth and breadth of the intense, gaping void that fills my life and the fear that sucks my energy like a black hole. I was expecting shock, surprise, or a “wow, you’re really messed up” response, but they reacted with familiarity and understanding. Clearly, I’m not the only one who has been through this.

I’m new to the mastermind group. I was invited to join about a month ago. I joined because I saw these people making huge leaps forward in the area of lifestyle design. They are all entrepreneurs with a dream and a vision of creating a better life for themselves and escaping the rat race. The members are fascinating individuals. Their interactions overflow with passion and excitement about what they do and want to achieve. Passion. Excitement. Things I hadn’t felt in my own life for a long time. I wanted that in my life too. The members are people for whom I have a deep respect for their knowledge, opinions, and courage to buck the status quo. Which is why I feel somewhat validated after our conversation – they gave me the same solutions as I’d proposed to myself.

So, Why This Big Change (and, um, why do you sound like a stark raving lunatic today)?

I started my first corporate job as yet another young, naïve university graduate who had somehow been convinced that paying tens of thousands of dollars for a piece of paper and then being funnelled into the full-time workforce for a salary in exchange for the bulk of my waking hours was somehow a worthwhile investment and actually a good idea.

My energy would sag as I looked around the trains and city streets during my morning commute. I felt as though I was walking amongst robots. Lifeless corporate drones who had long forgotten who they were, what happiness was, why they were here, or what they were even working towards. No one looked happy. Then again, no one looked sad either. They just looked blank. Numb. Dead souls. Pre-programmed zombies just going through the motions.

I suppressed the uneasiness, took my place in the pack, and let the undulating ocean of the dead carry me to the office.

Two-and-a-half years on I’m one of the waking dead. Just a drop in the ocean of corporate hustle and bustle, where people push to get on trains and out of gates and through doorways to get to a job that doesn’t fulfil them so they can buy more shit that they don’t need with money they don’t have to impress people they don’t care about. They drug themselves with alcohol, excessive partying, sleeping pills, and antidepressants in the vain hope of distracting themselves from their meaningless, unfulfilling little existence. Desperately trying to escape the gripping fear that they’re just a number in the system. A minuscule, expendable, replaceable cog in the economy. Programmed by society to think and act a certain way, maintain the status quo, and keep themselves busy with work five days a week, eleven months of the year, for forty years. Then they’ll retire on their savings at which inflation has relentlessly gnawed away, rendering it next to worthless.

If they’re lucky, they’ll probably find a partner, get married, have 2.4 kids, buy a house behind a white picket fence, get divorced after a few years once they realise decent relationships actually take work, go to court to fight over assets while spending the lion’s share of the proceeds in legal fees, and leave the experience cynical and embittered, perfectly prepping their kids to repeat the cycle.

Bleargh. Is this is “The Dream” we’re chasing?! What a crock of shit.

Facing the Truth

A pure, unadulterated bolt of terror struck me to my core as I realised just how many people follow the crowd and live their life destined for mediocrity. The reality that I’m relinquishing my best years to “The Man” and well on my way to becoming one of them has finally become too much of a deafening roar in my ears to screen it out anymore.

Has it occurred to anyone that we live in one of the most abundant societies in the world, but we’re time poor, spiritually broken, morally corrupt, and disconnected from our hearts? So few of us are genuinely happy that living the way we are just can’t be the right answer. How can it be that a Tibetan monk with nothing but the robe on his back craves nothing and lives in a state of unconditional love, yet our richest and most admired stars with everything money can buy are desperate for more attention, more fame, better clothes, bigger contracts, and end up overdosing on drugs as a desperate plea for someone to help them?

After battling depression for more than a year, it felt as though that gaping void – that unquenchable black hole of learned helplessness and hopelessness – had taken over my life. I had been desperately seeking something to cling to in order to fill the void, but like a cancer it just kept growing. I finally realised that I was feeling depressed because I had disconnected from my heart. It was a sign that something in my life was very wrong, and my body was giving me a massive hint that something needed to change.

Catalyst for Change

Then something did change for me. A random event in my life forged a crack in my old thought patterns and started a chain reaction of new ones. Excitement began to creep back into my life as I began the process of disentangling from the stranglehold of my self-imposed limitations and re-opened the door to the world of my dreams. I asked myself what would I do if I had all of the time and money in the world. My answer? I’d live in the countries I’ve always wanted to visit and immerse myself in the culture. I’d learn the languages I’ve always wanted to learn. I’d do lots of arty stuff – write a book, become an artist, learn to dance without breaking people’s toes…

The Beginning of Dream Suppression

I started suppressing my dreams for what I now realise were stupid reasons. A long list of excuses, rationalisations, what-ifs, and reasons for why I couldn’t do what I wanted. I used to draw a lot as a child. I was asked constantly if I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. I always pooh-poohed the idea as soon as it surfaced. “Nup. No money in that.” I was twelve, and was already conditioned to believe that more money equalled greater success. Years on, I chose to follow a career in technology instead of art or learning languages because of financial security and social perception. Language or art I would have done for fun, but I never pursued it because I couldn’t see how I could make a career out of it. As a woman in a male-dominated field, people’s reactions to me are very different than what they would be if I worked in something like administration or retail. All my life I’ve told myself that I didn’t care what anyone else thought. Now it is painfully obvious to me that I care far too much. How else did I end up in the vast soulless void that I’ve been desperately trying to plug then by trying to please arbitrary people in a society that doesn’t really care anyway? Somewhere along the way I lost my true connection to my heart. It was only recently that I accepted and admitted to myself that I didn’t have to do this anymore. I was choosing this life. Perhaps it’s time to release society’s definition of success and create my own. This isn’t me. I know that. I’ve known that for a long time but I’ve refused to accept it until now.

I realised I had most of what I needed to extricate myself from the energy-sucking tentacles of everyday life and take the leap from conditioned zombie to free bird. All I was lacking was the courage.

Options

I weighed up my options and thought about my alternative for taking the leap to live my dreams – the forty-year corporate gun-barrel I was staring down. On the positive side, I earn a decent income and I enjoy the type of work I do. Some days I’m so engrossed in what I’m doing that hours feel like minutes and I totally lose track of time. I’ll work past closing time and I’m totally oblivious. I’m in a state of flow. I love that feeling. On those days I get out of bed in the morning excited to get into the office. I also like the company and the social aspect of work. By and large, my colleagues are good value. As far as full-time jobs go, I’ve actually got it pretty good.

On the negative side, the days that I’m in a state of flow are few and far between. On the other days, the brain atrophy and frustration I feel at being forced to do monkey-work using grossly inefficient and unscalable systems for the sake of corporate politics usually results in me wanting to stab myself in the eye with a pencil. I’m a free spirit. I like systems and routines that I choose to set, not ones that are imposed upon me.

Why Am I Doing This?

What am I working towards if it’s not to enjoy my life? Am I really going to be doing this for another forty years feeling the way I am? Do I really want to put off my dreams until I’m too old and jaded to enjoy them? No. I’ve put off my life long enough. I need to stop thinking and start feeling. The desire to follow my heart is growing stronger with each passing day. I tired of living without passion or purpose, and I don’t want to ignore it any longer. The excitement that I feel when I think about my dreams it tells me I know I’m on the right path. Right now, my place isn’t here, living the life that I’m living. My heart is dying for adventure. Excitement. Fun. Time. I want to experience new things and see the world.

Fear Factor

So what’s stopping me? The simple answer is this – FEAR. If I take leave or quit my job that means my yearly income falls to exactly zero dollars and zero cents. The thought of going out and trying to make my way in the world without being an employee and without a plan scares the living hell out of me. What would I do? What if I fail? What if I’m so extraordinarily terrible with people and business that I have no choice but to work as an employee for the rest of my life? I don’t know, but I do know that I’m never going to find out until I try.

The Times They Are a Changin’…

So I’ve set the wheels in motion with work and communicated that I’m taking an unspecified amount of time off next year. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do yet or how I’m actually going to earn money. All I know is that something has shifted for me, and I can’t accept this stagnant existence any longer. The only way I can change my future is by changing my present. So excuse me while I check out of reality for a while. My life is waiting.

Reaching Out for Support

Readers – if any of you have experienced and negotiated this transition in your own lives, I’d love to hear from you. If you’d like to share your story, please comment below or if you’d rather share it privately you can communicate with me via my feedback form.

Inferiority complexes are common among abuse victims because of the constant reinforcement that they are not worth loving. That becomes your truth. As a result, there will be times when you will wonder if leaving was the right decision. You’ll shine the spotlight on all of your faults, wonder if you’re attractive, and question whether you’re worthy of love. You will have times that no matter how much you put yourself out there, you won’t meet someone who is both physically and emotionally compatible with you, and you’ll blame yourself. You’ll have times that you’ll think that you’re eternally unloveable and look at yourself in the mirror and cry when you see a boring, incompetent, ugly, lazy slob instead of seeing the funny, smart, beautiful, fascinating, and unique being you are.

And that’s perfectly okay.

No one feeling good about yourself again would be easy, or that you had to be strong all the time. No one said you had to have the impenetrable self-esteem equivalent of Fort Knox. No one said that you wouldn’t doubt yourself or make mistakes. No one said you had to be compatible or even get along with every person you met. No one said you had to be perfect.

No one, but you.

Your view of yourself is simply one perspective. Sure, it’s your own, so it carries a hell of a lot of weighting. But here’s the great thing about perspectives – there’s more than one!

Have you ever been in a funhouse with those weird warp mirrors? You walk in front of one and it makes you look like a stick insect on stilts; the next makes you look like a heifer; and the next turns you into a spiral swirl, or makes you look like you have four legs and no head?

Perspective.

We laugh when we see these images because they look so silly. Why? The images we see are “real” reflections of us in the sense that we can perceive them through our senses. What if you had never seen yourself in a mirror that reflected true-to-life proportions? What if you had only ever seen yourself through the reflection of the funhouse? Don’t you think it’s likely that a disparity would exist between how you see yourself and how you really are?

I make this point because you have never had a mirror that reflects your true-to-life proportions. Your perception of yourself and your value is and always has been coloured by the opinions and influences of your environment. Family, friends, teachers, peers, clubs, social groups, the media, and society at large have all added their bit. These opinions shape the mirror in which you see yourself. A bit of emphasis here, play down this bit, adjust the lighting slightly and…voila! The way you look to yourself is now a result of the strongest influences in your life.

Not only do we process other people’s opinions to shape our own mirror, but people we encounter in life often have conflicting views. It’s no wonder our mirror gets completely warped when we’re trying to mould it to incorporate everything from everyone!

Take some time out next time you’re feeling down on yourself to examine why. An alternate perspective is often what you need when the feeling of inferiority rears its ugly head. Ask yourself: Whose ideal are you trying to meet? Do you even respect that person’s opinion? Do they have your best interests at heart? Did you consciously make that ideal your own? If so, why? Are your expectations of yourself realistic and achievable? How could you view the situation differently?

Don’t be so hard on yourself. Feeling inferior is nothing but a single perspective. Life’s tough enough as it is, so cut yourself a break. You’re wonderful and loveable just the way you are.

Opening up your heart again after being abused is something I’ve wanted to write about for some time. I haven’t done it because I haven’t had the experience.

Until now.

People enter your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Usually, they waltz in when you least expect it.

Recently, the Universe randomly plonked someone into my life. With blatant disregard for politesse, this person asked me straight out why I had erected a huge wall around myself, felt the need to be a domineering arrogant bitch, and if I planned to shut out every man that tries to get close to me for the rest of my life.

Ouch. Truth hurts.

Once I managed to pick my jaw up off the floor I finally admitted – to him and to myself – that I did want to be close to someone again. I was just terrified of letting anyone in because I was afraid of being hurt again.

Ex-victims of domestic abuse will know this feeling well. It can be very difficult to trust a man again. Intrinsic trust is replaced with wariness, suspicion, and a supercharged bullshit radar that baulks at anything remotely resembling an interested Y-chromosome.

This is perfectly normal.

When you’ve been hurt badly, it’s sensible to keep your heart locked away for a while. It’s your survival instinct kicking in to keep you safe when you’re vulnerable. The problem is that keeping your heart buffered indefinitely results in emotional stagnation. You withdraw into your comfort zone and miss out on the happiness, excitement, and new experiences that caring about another person can bring.

A carefully guarded heart can never experience the full spectrum of human emotion. It can never hurt because it never cares. It can never break because it is never whole. As much as we want to believe we are totally self-reliant, the truth is that we need to love other people and have others love us to live a truly fulfilling life. Letting other people in creates a richness of experience that is impossible to achieve as an individual.

Don’t pressure yourself into caring for someone before you’re ready. It will take some time before your emotional wounds are healed over enough to let anyone close to you again, but avoid letting cynicism remain as your default state once your healing has run its course.

Eventually you will cross paths with someone patient and persistent enough to pry away your armour and peek at the soul hiding underneath, but it’s you that has to have the courage to take that leap of faith.

Has the time come for you to open your heart and give someone a chance?

End of post.

Just joking. Well, about the end of the post anyway. Not about the content.

There is something inherently attractive about a person who conveys that they are comfortable in their own skin. The way they think, speak, and act says loud and clear “I don’t care what you think of me because I know I’m awesome. If perchance you have a problem with me, please feel free to blow it out your arse. Thanks”.

Attraction is a funny thing. We are not always attracted to the people who are good for us. It’s human nature to like a challenge, even when we know that being with the person could be detrimental to our physical or emotional health.

Ladies, how many times have you been attracted to the “bad boy?” over a “nice guy”? The guy who has no future, goals, aspirations, dreams,  or security, over the guy who has his head screwed on, a secure income, and would treat you like a princess? How often have you looked past the shy guy to pursue the guy who has every other woman in the room hanging off his every word? How often have you passed up the guy who worships the ground you walk on for the guy that doesn’t even LIKE you?

Gentlemen, how many times have you gone for the “bitch” over the “take home to mum” girl? The sexy girl in skirts and heels over the girl-next-door type in jeans and sneakers? How often have you gone for the girl you have to compete with ten other men just to get a glance from, over the one who would listen intently to every word you say and thinks your silly jokes are the most hilarious thing she’s ever heard?

The question is, why on earth do people act like this? Isn’t this completely counter-intuitive and, well, just plain stupid?

The answer is attraction and status. Observe the people around you next time you are in a group.  Who does everyone follow when changing venues? Who has to approach other people to be involved in the conversation? Who gets approached? Whose comments and jokes are largely ignored? Whose jokes are laughed at heartily, even if they aren’t funny? These behaviours allow you to discern the pecking order, and this social hierarchy exists in every group.

When I talk about status, I don’t mean someone who is tall, dark, handsome (or blonde, busty, and beautiful), with a great job, investments, and plenty of money. Sure, that sort of stuff counts if you’re considering a long-term relationship with a person and your concerns are about security, comfortable living, potential children, buying a house, etc., but it’s not the stuff that comprises that initial raw attraction.

Status in terms of attraction is about whom is seeking approval from whom. For example, when a man creates the illusion that he is higher in the social hierarchy than a woman, the woman seeks to be re-assured that she is “good enough” for the man. I say “creates the illusion” because the man certainly doesn’t have to be higher in the social hierarchy for this to be effective. He can be a complete drop-kick with no future and she can be a lawyer! But if he can create the illusion that he is higher status he will become inherently attractive to her.

The reverse is also true. Women with an air of unattainability are attractive to men. It’s a challenge. The woman may be a complete bimbo with nothing going for her, and the man may be the owner of a successful business! She may not even be a looker, but she’s usually an advocate of the “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” philosophy.  These women have the ability to induce a state in men commonly referred to as “pussy-whipped”.

Attraction is a hugely powerful force, and it can cast it’s spell on anyone. It doesn’t matter whether you’re single, in a relationship, dating, married, polyamourous, or celibate. Attraction causes logic and reason to go out the window. Have you ever been in a relationship and thought about what it would be like to be with someone else? Yeah, thought so. Busted!

Ladies – it may surprise you to know that we are not attracted to the things we think we’re attracted to. Call it cavewoman biology, but our tendency is to be attracted to alpha males, not to “nice” guys. That’s why you can meet a man who is “perfect” for you on paper, but you have about as much chemistry with him as you do with a brick wall. Conversely, you can meet a man who is completely wrong for you and with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, but there is a powerful sexual attraction there regardless. Women are attracted to who they perceive to be the highest status male in the group. Alpha males usually display a combination of three things – high-status behaviour, humour, and the ability to make a woman feel sexy without setting off her creep radar.

Needless to say, all this can be incredibly confusing if you don’t know what’s actually happening here. Hell, it’s confusing enough when you do know what’s happening! Awareness of the “rules” of attraction does not make you immune from being attracted to someone, but it makes it much easier to discern why you’re attracted to them, weed out the mind-gamers, and discern whether or not they genuinely like you or whether they are trying to manipulate you because they think you’re physically appealing.

To get a better handle on this high-status/low-status thing, let’s take a look at some common life examples.

Consider the times where you’ve been a low-status player in social situations. You plaster a smile on your face whilst enduring the bore/creep/socially inept individual at a party. You ask an intolerable workmate how their weekend was, pretending to be interested. You smile and shrug off an insult, fearing that people will think your pushy, aggressive, or just won’t like you if you stand up for yourself. You’ve got a million things to do on the weekend – calls to make, people to see, shopping to do, houses to clean, kids to drop off, bills to pay, that bit of work you brought home to finish before Monday’s meeting…so you do everything you can to make everyone else happy and then have no time for you. You’re not being yourself – you’re being a feeble shell of the person your really are in order to please and appease the people around you. This is low-status behaviour. You’re seeking approval from those around you in order to feel worthy.

Well, it’s time to turn the tides and take you into high-status territory. Think back to the time in your life where you felt most confident and comfortable with yourself. Now take that mindset and apply it to every situation.  You tell the bore/creep/socially inept individual to enjoy their night…somewhere else. You don’t ask about your workmate’s weekend because you’d probably rather poke yourself in the eye than hear about it.  Your  witty riposte to an unwarranted insult makes it more likely that the offending party will think twice before throwing another barb in your direction. You don’t care what the rest of the world wants done or when – you tell them in no uncertain terms to shove off and stop trying to monopolise your time. You’ll get to it when you’re good and ready. This is high-status behaviour. You respect your time and you have better things to do than to waste it on people who don’t interest you. You have boundaries and have no qualms about making them known. You prioritise your own wants and needs – everyone else can take a ticket and get in line.

In a nutshell, being higher status amounts to other people wanting your approval, not the other way around.

Most high status individuals I know are just being themselves. They aren’t fussed whether you think they’re arrogant, aggressive, indifferent, snobby, or any other label you care to apply. People who are comfortable with themselves and whose actions are congruent with that mindset convey the message “I’m me – and I sure as hell don’t need your approval on that”. That level of self-confidence is a very attractive trait.

In the words of Oscar Wilde – “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken”.

Let’s think about this for a moment. The exact same end result occurred in both of the above situations, so why was I so upset about the first situation, but blasé about the second?

The difference in emotion was the result of my mindset. I was having fun playing but I would spend so much of my time and energy on this one thing that I became overly attached to the outcome and became distressed whenever my desired outcome was threatened. In the second situation, my time and energy were no longer focussed on the game, so the emotional impact of saving over it was negligible.

By now you’re probably wondering what my closet nerdiness has to do with your relationships. The answer is plenty, actually.

What happens when you are in or desire to be in a relationship with someone? You pour your time and energy into them, either directly or in thought. You forge a connection in your mind and become identified with your desired outcome. In terms of goal-setting and positive thinking, it is admirable to have that level of focus and commitment, however, emotional dependency on a particular outcome is not intelligent, nor is it healthy for your emotional wellbeing.

Consider this common scenario: You message a friend, but she is busy when she gets your message and doesn’t have time to reply right then. Before either of you know it, a couple of days has passed. Your friend is going through her phone later and realises – crap! – she hasn’t replied to you yet! So she does it then. Meanwhile, you have been so busy with your own life that you haven’t given it a second thought until you get her reply. After all, we all know how busy life can get, she probably has a million and one things going on in her life too, right?

Generally, we don’t tend to stress unnecessarily if a friend fails to get back to us in a timely manner, or at all once in a while. You are not identified strongly with the outcome of a single message. You understand that people get busy and you realise that friendships fluctuate in intensity from time to time.

Now imagine that your partner or potential partner didn’t respond to you for a couple of days.

What makes our reaction to the aforementioned situation so different when we communicate with with partners or potential partners? The friend situation is like playing a video game to wind down and relax. It’s fun and while you enjoy it, you’re not basing part of your identity on the outcome. In the partner situation, most people are likely to be much more distressed because they identify part of themselves with their relationship instead of recognising it as a separate entity. We place so much emphasis on the outcome that our our identification with the result is much stronger.

Humans are emotional creatures. We have a basic need to feel that we’re okay and accepted by others. When this need is threatened, our self-esteem and sensitive little egos whip themselves into a tizz. This is especially true in the early stages of relationships when a strong bond of trust is yet to be established.

Attraction causes us to place a disproportionate amount of importance on one person and their reactions towards us. When we aren’t inflicted with attraction, their actions don’t impact us nearly so strongly since much less of our time and energy is being spent focussing on them.

A connection is really just choosing to place your focus and energy on something or someone. Enjoy your connections for the enrichment they bring to your life, but be mindful of basing your being on your connections. Basing your identity on your connections instead of who you are at your core is a sure-fire road to pain. Your relationships are not you. If all of your relationships were severed, you would still be you. You at your core are much more than your connections.

Relationships never end – they only change. New relationships materialise. Friendships deepen into love. Partners marry. Spouses divorce. You can love someone today and hate them tomorrow. Enjoy your relationships and connections for what they are. You can enjoy playing the game of life without identifying yourself and staking your self-worth on the outcome.

Really, answer the question. I’ll wait. In fact, I’ll answer it too.

If someone asked me that question, for the sake of social convenience I would answer something like this:

I’m Taz, a 20-something year old Brisbanite. I’m professional web designer/developer. I follow a vegan diet. I’m a former domestic violence victim turned personal development blogger. I like crazy hair, make-up, and piercings. I’m single. I identify with polyamory. I have lots of great friends. I have a wonderful family. I like to travel. I’m an atheist. I’m a bit of a geek. I have a good body. I’m a total attention whore and will jump in front of a camera at every opportunity. I have a degree – first in my course and I’m damn proud of it. I’m always late. I’m a Virgo. I love to pole dance (purely for fitness, of course ) and I’m going to leave it right there because this is starting to sound like a personals ad. Moving on…

So, that’s me in a nutshell! Are we best friends now that you know me so well? No? Why not? How about if you send me your answer too? Then will we be best friends? You know, because then we’ll like, know each other so well and everything!

Excuse my sarcasm, but put like that it seems like such a silly question and an obvious answer, doesn’t it? How can you possibly know me from that simple paragraph? You know what I do, my general age, some of my experiences, opinions, interests, and probably gleaned that I’m a cynical smart-arse, but the essence of “me” remains elusive. At best, the response is an ultra-high level abstraction, but it’s certainly not “me”.

We put so much emphasis on the labels we give ourselves us that we forget who we really are inside.

Transience

Imagine for just a moment that you lost everything you have listed above – your job, your looks, your hobbies, your achievements, your wealth, your religion, and your relationships. All of that will happen eventually. You’ll change jobs or retire. You’ll grow out of hobbies and into new ones. You’ll make new friends and leave old ones behind. Relationships fail. Money is spent. Families die. Societal standards of beauty fade with age. It sounds harsh, but my point is that all of these externalities are transient. It follows that basing our identity on things which by their very nature are destined to perish – usually before us – is a recipe for unhappiness.

I wanted you to get that material nonsense out of the way early so I could ask you the real question: Who are we if we cease to define ourselves through our socially conditioned pigeonholes?

When we abolish society’s standard of how we should identify ourselves, the ego finds itself with nothing extrinsic upon which to cling. Now we’re forced to look below the surface. Past the question of “what we are” to the question of “what drives why we are what we are”. This is where we unearth the values that comprise the core of our being.

Peeling Back the Layers

Let’s go back to our ultra-high level abstraction for a moment. While it’s not “us”, it does give us a basis to begin peeling back the layers to discover our true selves. Let’s take the examples of “atheist” and “single” from my answer.

Atheist

Possibilities

Am I an atheist because I eschew the virtues extolled by the Church? Is it because I resent the patriarchal structure? Was my family just not very religious so I never had the exposure? Do I express my spirituality in alternative ways such that I don’t feel the need to belong to a religious sect? Was I ever religious? Am I open-minded towards other people’s religious choices or do I stoutly maintain that atheism is the only path? Am I only temporarily an atheist whilst transitioning between religions? Do I feel I need to find a religious organisation to belong to so I don’t go to Hell?

Actuality

I was introduced to religion from an early age and as a child and young adult I prayed every night for years. As I grew up I decided that religion was a convenient method to control sub-sections of the population by beating their minds into submission through boredom, confusion, and guilt while perpetuating the notion that it’s a good idea to maintain a meek, self-sacrificing nature that was completely at odds with my own commonsense. The push to submit to patriarchal structures whilst silencing my own opinions and desires was not something that sat well with me either. Intelligence and independence are values I hold in high regard, and these values were the core drivers behind my decision to eventually extricate myself from organised religion.

Single

Possibilities

I could be single because I’m a flat-out jerk with no brains or goals, the personality of a dead fish, and the inability to hold down a relationship to save my life. I could have just broken up with someone and not be looking. I could be a closet lesbian. I could be a compassionate and loving person, who wants to avoid relationships while I work through some personal challenges so I avoid hurting people. I could be content just being single and enjoying the spare time and independence. I could be frightened of being in a relationship again.

Actuality

My actual answers are a combination of four, five, and six. Love, independence, and compassion are some of my most important values. I’m very sensitive to the pain and sadness of others in relationships because I’ve experienced so much of it myself. I love other people and don’t want to hurt them, so I treat others with the love, honesty, and respect with which I would want to be treated. My independent streak resists the idea of being tied down, partly for fear of not being lucky enough to escape if I somehow found myself in an abusive relationship again. These values are the primary drivers of my feelings, reactions to situations, and the decisions I make regarding my intimate relationships.

This is a brief elaboration and I’ve barely scratched the surface, but as you can see the labels “single” and “atheist” lose their meaning very quickly once you begin peeling back the layers to see the real person – the values and opinions that lie beneath. Every other label is exactly the same. The label is merely a judgment cast upon a person by society’s need to generalise, but its meaning becomes diluted the more you know and understand the essence of that person.

Choice

Are you living according to your labels or your deepest values? When you peel back the layers, do you like the person you truly are? Are you proud of what makes up the very core of your being? If not, what would you choose to be? Do you realise that you can be that person right now? You don’t have to conform to your labels. You can rip them off and replace them whenever you wish. Or you can rip them off and leave them off, and start living in line with your values instead.

All of a sudden I realised that one of the main reasons I’m attracted to personal development is a subconscious fear of not being “good enough” just as I am…I noticed the difference in energy between a person who is “on the path” because it’s fun and a person who is “on the path” because s/he feels intrinsically flawed.

Ouch. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she said that. It really hit home. Personal development is a large part of my life, but there’s definitely a point where I delve into it as a means of escapism; as an excuse that I’m not attracting what I want into my life because I’m not “good enough” yet.

I am an incredibly self-critical person. The counsellors I have seen post domestic violence have been left flabbergasted by the vile tirade of self-deprecating nonsense I spew when I’m given free reign. I say the most cruel and hurtful things about myself that I wouldn’t even dream of saying to anyone else in a million years.

I’ve had plenty of people tell me that I’ve been an inspiration to them, ranging from helping them leave abusive relationships, to thinking about situations in new ways, to wanting to interact with other people more like I do. I get positive feedback from the people around me every day. The problem is the feedback is incongruent with how I sometimes feel about myself.

Most people who meet me would have no idea that I usually feel plain awkward in most social situations. I feel as though I don’t know what to say, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I say flat out stupid things because I don’t listen. In fact, most of the time I feel as though I can’t string two sentences together without feeling like English is my fifth language. Still, no one else seems to notice this, or at least if they do, they are incredibly diplomatic. Maybe this is because they are dealing with their own social insecurities and aren’t paying that much attention to me. Maybe I overcompensate for the fear of social inadequacy by educating myself on people skills, open conversation, body language, and developing friendships, then realise that there is still so much that I don’t know.

I constantly beat up on myself because I don’t write more frequently on my blog. I figure I have no discipline because I don’t get up at to go swimming at 6am every morning before work. I decide I’m terrible with people because there are some people with whom I just can’t seem to connect. I cringe at myself for turning into a babbling ditz around men in whom I’m interested. I admonish myself on a daily basis because I am late for everything. I get irritated with myself if I sleep in or can’t muster the energy to do something productive. I stress constantly that I’m not good at my work. I kick myself if I make an unhealthy vegan choice instead of a healthy one.

When I sat down and thought about it, I realised I had a lot of insecurities for which personal development was acting as a band-aid. One of my good friends looked upset when I told her about some of my personal development plans. “Don’t you go changing so much that you get rid of the inner Taz”, she would caution me. “And stop being so hard on her. She’s a really great person!” At the time, I understood intellectually what she was trying to tell me, but it wasn’t until I read Karen’s review that it really resonated strongly. I too, am always striving towards being better and better – not always because it’s fun – but because I feel intrinsically flawed.

You know what Karen’s post made me think? Screw it! I’m not going to lose myself to pursue a futuristic ideal where I’ll never be satisfied because I’ll just raise the game as soon as I get there!

Some of the regular negative thoughts that plagued me were:

• I’m not a good enough daughter. A good daughter would be less lazy and do more to help her parents
• I’m not a good enough friend. A good friend would listen much more actively than what I do
• I’m a bad girlfriend. A good girlfriend would be in a serious, committed relationship with a nice man by now
• I’m not good at my work. Anyone could do what I do
• I’m not healthy enough. I eat too much junk and I don’t exercise as much as I should
• I’m not financially successful. I don’t have my own place and financial freedom yet
• I’m not good with people. I can’t work a room like Dale Carnegie
• I have no business sense. I have no idea how to sell or market myself, or how to run a business, even if I had a good idea for one

These are not nice thoughts to be feeding your subconscious mind on a daily basis, so instead of instead of clogging up my neurons with that nonsense, I started thinking along a different track.

Maybe I’m not the most helpful daughter in the world. But you know what? I was a total goody-two-shoes kid growing up. I hardly swore, I didn’t drink or date until I was 18, I never did drugs, I was never one of the sheep that had to do or have something just because it was cool, and my parents and I hardly ever had disagreements through my teenage years. I think the biggest difference of opinion my parents and I had was them lecturing me about skateboarding on the road because it was dangerous. When I moved out of home, I’d come back to see them every weekend, and we still have a great relationship today. So sure, I can be lazy, but so can the other 100% of the human population. All in all, I was a dream child. So stop beating up on myself for being a normal human being, and give myself a break.

Maybe I don’t always remember important details about my friends, and perhaps I don’t listen as actively as what I should. But you know what? I’m always there for my friends when they need me. I always try to understand and empathise. If they need to talk, I just let them talk. If they want a solution, I always try to challenge them to see problems from another angle. I do my best to make them smile. I befriend people based on their morals, personality, and mutual compatibility and interests, not on what I can get out of them. It makes me genuinely happy when I see my friends achieve, and genuinely sad when something goes wrong for them. I’m late to nearly everything, but I’ll always be the first person there when a friend is in trouble. I’m notoriously stubborn, but I’ll go out of my own way to accommodate others in genuine need. I’m may not be particularly funny, my jokes may not make most people laugh, and I have a bad habit of indulging in self-deprecating humour, but I love making my friends laugh and seeing them happy around me. It makes me feel good that I can bring a smile to their faces.  I always see the good in my friends, even when they can’t see it in themselves. I don’t see myself as particularly talented at anything, but I see potential in those around me and encourage them to embrace their gifts. I can easily see why my friends are worthy, special, fantastic, and loved by those around them. Maybe I can’t be a great friend to everyone, but I do my best with the personality that I’ve got. So realise that I make an important contribution in my friendships just by being me, and give myself a break.

Maybe the people to whom I’m attracted aren’t attracted to me and vice-versa. Maybe all of my relationships thus far have turned to a big steaming pile of shit. But you know what? I’ve learned from every relationship I’ve been in. I’ve learned what it is to truly love someone, and what it means to have your heart broken. I’ve learned that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to fight for a relationship, and sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to set a person free. I’ve learned that truly loving someone is to just let them be themselves with all their eccentricities and give them room to grow, even if that means growing away from you. I’ve learned love is not trying to possess a person and mould them into your ideal. I’ve learned that love is stronger than hate, and that forgiveness is more powerful than a grudge. I’ve learned that being alone is not a scary beast to be feared; it’s an opportunity to find who you really are. I’ve learned that you can dominate a person’s mind and body, but you can never dominate their soul. I’ve learned that just because you are attracted to a person, doesn’t mean they are right for you. I’ve learned that just because a person is “nice” also doesn’t mean they are right for you. I’ve learned that there are many more types of relationships than what meets the standards of social acceptability, and just because they are alternative doesn’t mean they are wrong. I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel and it’s okay to cry.  I’ve learned that ending a relationship that no longer serves you is not weak or bad – it’s the most courageous thing you can possibly do. I’ve learned the best relationships are those based on trust, mutual respect, and genuine acceptance. I’ve learned that relationships never really end – they just change form with the recalibration of people’s energies. Who knows, maybe I am a terrible girlfriend and an unattractive, boring prospect to be passed over in search of someone better, hotter, smarter, more successful, and less stubborn. More likely, I just haven’t yet found that person with the qualities I respect, the right chemistry, and who sees relationships the same way as I do. I know myself well enough to know that I’m not going to settle until I have, so quit whining about it and give myself a break.

Maybe I’m really not good at my work. Maybe I’m not as intelligent as the people around me. But you know what? I have a job that I enjoy. I am a perfectionist and determined – I don’t give up until I’ve done something to the best of my ability. I’m honest, helpful, and patient. Maybe I’m not a great writer, but I started this blog to help other women escape domestic violence regardless, and I’m getting better. People who I consider far more intelligent and competent than myself ask me for help with things I consider elementary. Maybe I should start focussing on my strengths instead of my weaknesses, and give myself a break.

Maybe I don’t yet have the financial freedom to travel, purchase my own house, and do what I want, when I want. Maybe I’ll never have the business sense, the marketing know-how, the sales techniques, the foresight, or the confidence to build and run my own business. Maybe I’ll never be the success that I want to be. But you know what? Maybe I will. Maybe I don’t have those skills because that part of business doesn’t interest me. Maybe there are other ways to financial independence that I haven’t yet thought of which are more compatible with my strengths. Maybe I should stop focussing on scarcity, shift my mindset into the frame of abundance, and give myself a break.

Maybe I’m not a whole food vegan and don’t have the discipline to sculpt my body to the frame of a supermodel. But you know what? I liked the taste of all meat, loved brie and crackers, had a full-cream cappuccino every day before work, and was addicted to pretty much every chocolate bar known to man, but I went from meat-eater to vegan, partly because witnessing the cruelty inflicted on innocent animals as a result of human’s unconscious habits and choices literally makes me break down and cry. So what if I don’t live on a perfectly balanced vegan diet? I’m pretty sure I’m still doing better than most of the population. I’m not a perfect size 8 with DD boobs, a perfect butt and killer thighs, but I now love and respect my body enough to consume a diet that is compatible with my biology and no longer subject it the abuses of binge drinking. I’m far from the most fashion-oriented female that has ever walked the earth, but have a quirky, individual style – and I’m fine with that. Maybe I should give myself props for what I do right, and give myself a break.

Maybe I really do have poor communication skills. Maybe I have an underdeveloped sense of humour. Maybe I’m borderline autistic and can’t read social cues or other people’s emotions. But you know what? Maybe it takes two to have a good conversation. Maybe instead of analysing a social situation that didn’t go well and thinking it just proves that I’m bad with people/I’m not funny/I can’t communicate/insert other self-deprecating nonsense here, I think maybe the other person has poor people skills. Maybe that person just had nothing in common with me, and they are not a good social match. Maybe they don’t laugh at my jokes because they have no sense of humour. Maybe I’m not communicating effectively because they ask stupid/inappropriate/personal/boring questions and I just don’t want to do the socially acceptable thing and answer because it bores me to tears. Maybe I should stop worrying that the world is examining my insecurities under a microscope, and give myself a break.

I’m not advocating that you palm off your own shortcomings onto other people – that robs you of the power to change. What I am suggesting is that you take a moment to look at your insecurities from a more empowering angle. Think about the people who love you. How do your best friend/partner/children/parents/pets see that part of you? If you were on your death bed right now, how much would your insecurity even matter?

I’d like to leave you with some food for thought a friend of mine recently gave me. She doesn’t see herself as the prettiest, smartest, or best at anything in particular, but she realised that she makes a unique contribution that no-one else can just by being herself. She realised that her particular strength and what makes her happy is to be there for people and help them through difficult personal times. This woman has a great gift – she is an amazing listener and has the ability to bring clarity to the most complicated of situations, all without uttering a word of unsolicited advice.

Every single one of us has a unique strength like my friend. Maybe we need to take some time out to quiet our negative chatter so we give our positive whispers a chance to be heard.

Re-learning to relate to people on a normal basis is not easy when you’ve been conditioned to accept abuse and rejection of your core being as a part of daily life.

Your default behaviour becomes submissive. You lack confidence in yourself. You get into the habit of placating people. You don’t stand up for your own rights. You don’t express yourself strongly around others for fear of rejection. Not just any rejection, but rejection so bad that any slip-up on your behalf will result in you being physically, psychologically, sexually, socially, or financially punished.

Being submissive and acting in a non-threatening manner is a very sensible approach if you’re about to get your head kicked in. It’s not such a useful strategy for every day life where you need to function like a conscious human being.

Although serious abuse is unlikely to occur in your normal day-to-day interactions, the emotional scars stay with a victim long after the relationship and the abuse have ended. Negative thoughts of being unattractive, worthless, and never finding love again infect the mind like a plague.

These thoughts are difficult to control and even harder to overcome. After all, people learn by repetition. If you’re told that you’re worthless and unlovable day after day, you begin to internalise that as fact. If you’re repeating it to yourself as well, you’re constantly reinforcing that negativity.

The difficultly of conquering these negative thoughts is compounded by generalising specific negative incidences in your life as “confirmation” of your rejection by society as a whole.

For example, someone close to you puts you down, so you concede you really are stupid/have no fashion sense/are too fat. A new person you’re seeing suddenly decides they don’t want you and leave, so you reason that if they didn’t want you no one else will either. Maybe you meet up with friends and become painfully aware that a guy you like is interested in one of your friends and not you, so you must be unattractive.

This line of thinking is counter-productive and completely erroneous.

Your generalisations catastrophise the situation and ignore the fact that other people have their own lives, problems, and feelings completely independent of you.

The person who put you down may have been preoccupied thinking about a bad day at work, got a huge phone bill, had their cat run over, or just said something really stupid and embarrassed themselves. Their nastiness says more about them than it does about you, and is probably nothing more than you being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The partner leaving situation can be an easy one to beat yourself up over, but it completely ignores the fact that all relationships are a two-way street. If a relationship doesn’t work out, both people have contributed to that outcome, not just you. While it’s admirable to take responsibility for your own actions, you can never control another person’s feelings or decisions; nor should you try.

If a guy is interested in your friend and not you, maybe your friend reminds him of his ex-girlfriend, who he hasn’t quite managed to get over yet. Maybe he only likes blondes and you’re a brunette. If that’s he case he’d turn up his nose at Cindy Crawford or Jennifer Garner too, so don’t feel too bad.

Take these specific incidences for what they are – specific incidences. The reality of the situation probably isn’t quite as catastrophic as you imagine it to be. Don’t let one bad experience taint every other experience you have for the rest of your life. Your identity is not limited to other people’s opinions of you.

Excluding caffeine from my diet has been great. I actually feel more alert through the day without caffeine. I get tired naturally at around the same time every night since I’m not screwing with my body chemistry.

I’ve slipped up a couple of times with the sleep part of the trial. I’ve broken the 10pm curfew few times, but I’m not concerned about that. Now that I’m in the habit I’m less stringent about the time. I’ve established that getting up every day at the same time helps with my sleep pattern more than the going to bed at a set time.

Socially, going to bed at 10pm on weekends is inconvenient at best. For the sake of social conformity, I’ll consciously be upsetting my sleep patterns from time to time. On the other hand, I’m enjoying going to bed earlier through the week. I feel more energetic, alert, and happier throughout my work day since I’m no longer struggling with tiredness. My memory also seems to be improving.

Be On Time for Everything Update

This one has been hard. I’ve failed miserably at this 30 day trial. I haven’t managed more than three days in succession. I’ve run for the train a few times, and I’m still late for parties.

Negativity aside, there has certainly been in an improvement. My average lateness for parties is about 30 minutes now as opposed to over two hours. I’m also rarely more than a couple of minutes late for small social occasions.

I noticed some great benefits on the days that I’m on time. I take the time to observe my surroundings more closely because I’m not too busy sprinting past them. I feel centered, unflappable, and find myself being drawn into and enjoying the present moment. My mornings no longer consist of me rushing around madly and flooding my body with stress hormones. I’m more focused, productive, and happier.

Being on time for 30 days is too much for me at this time. I’m going to scale the challenge back to seven days for now. Even seven is more than double what I’ve managed so far, so it will still certainly be a challenge for me. I think I need to flex those self-discipline muscles a little more before I take on 30 days of this!

• challenging the stereotypical views of domestic violence victims and abusive relationships
• how abusive relationships begin
• how the violence escalates
• why victims don’t just leave
• what the Police can do to help
• my experiences with the Police.

The speech was challenging for me because I had to view and discuss my experiences from a different perspective. My articles about domestic violence are written from an insider’s perspective. The intention is to connect emotionally with the reader to help them see the truth of their own situation and leave, so truth, empathy, and encouragement permeate my usual writing style.

My audience was completely different at the training course. I assumed I would be speaking predominantly to people who hadn’t experienced domestic violence first hand, so they would understand domestic violence from a theoretical, but not an experiential point of view. I was also trying to convey a completely different message. Instead of empathising with their experience, I wanted to impart an experiential understanding of domestic violence and the desire to respond to situations in ways that would change the life of victims for the better.

I got unexpectedly emotional at one point in my speech. I was describing the first time I was abused, what happened, and how alone I felt. I could feel the words catching in my throat as I spoke, but after a short pause I was fine. I shed a few tears while writing the speech, but was fine while practising. I wasn’t expecting an emotional reaction while speaking.

My speech got mixed reactions. Some people took up defensive body language with their arms and legs crossed. Some looked neutral. Others were looking at me intently, smiling and nodding in agreement.

This was the first time I’d spoken to a group about my experience, and the first time I’d spoken to people who hadn’t had the chance to get to know me personally. I am much more comfortable blogging about my experiences or sharing them one-on-one than I am discussing them with a group of strangers.

I’m glad I took the time to speak. It was a growth experience for me since it was a personal challenge and outside my usual niche. I wanted to do it because I saw an opportunity to make a difference and challenge the mindset of people who would be directly involved with victims. If even one person took something away from it that will help victims in the future, that’s a lot of lives they will affect throughout their career.