Life After Levi

Thankfulness

2014-01-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

It's been 6 years since hearing the silence we expected to be a heartbeat. As I think back today, I am filled with thankfulness. I'm thankful for... ... a God who has brought comfort when I mourned. ... His peace that surpasses all understanding. ... the joy that comes in the mourning. ... a faith that weathered the storms. ... a husband that provided and held it together when I couldn't. ... a husband who finds joy in being a daddy to our two blessings. ... our family and friends that mourned with us. ... our family and friends who now rejoice with us. ... the restoration of relationships. ... the two blessings that now call me mama. ... the ability to realize the important things in life aren't things. ... the joy a simple snuggle brings knowing that we aren't guaranteed anything in this life. ... being able to share Levi's story with others. ... healing. I am so grateful that God prepared us in so many ways before Levi's death and he's brought us through it. I don't know what type of parent I would be if I had a six year old at the moment. (I'm sure the kids would be a little less spoiled... though probably not much.) I don't know what Tommy and I would be up to or what direction our lives would be going in. I don't know what my life would be like if things were different six years ago, but I no longer focus on the what if's. I'm happy with the right now's. I'm thankful for Levi and how he's shaped me.

Butterflies

2011-09-14T20:46:00.001-04:00

My zinnias are overgrown. I was going to cut them down this weekend when I realized how many butterflies they attract. Overgrown as they may be, the zinnias stayed and I sat and thought of Levi and all the other babies gone too soon.

Blindsided

2011-06-15T22:01:00.003-04:00

I wasn't expecting it. One of my dear sweet friends announced she was moving, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me like it did. I knew it would be hard to see her go because she's really reached out to me since Levi died. I didn't even know her before his death but she made an effort to offer comfort and connect. Still though, it surprised me when I kept tearing up because that's just not my normal reaction. Then it hit me. Her youngest son is the only three year old boy I have really been able to watch grow up... and now he's gone too. I miss them.

Two worlds

2011-03-04T13:41:00.000-05:00

I feel like I’ve got my feet in two worlds and I don’t always know how to handle it or balance it. I don’t always feel like I fit in with the mom group… I’m not a stay at home mom and yet I’m not working full time either. I don’t have the innocence that many of them have and can’t always relate to everything. Yet I feel like I don’t always feel like I fit in the loss community either. It’s not that I’ve forgotten or moved on now that I have a child but joy has come in the morning. I’ve recently met two women who lost their sons almost exactly three years after Levi died… it’s just so strange because at the same time I’m involved with forming a small group of moms through our church.

Two worlds and I’m in both… but not really. Where do I fit? What is my role? I feel like I’m not the right person in either case. I don’t know how apparent it is to other people- especially those that know me from the coffee shop- but I’m timid with new people. Inviting people to join in has been a big step out of my comfort zone and I’m making myself do it… but I’m still hesitant and feel apprehensive. I think I just fear rejection.

I feel like these grieving moms have been placed in my path for a reason too. With them I mainly fear talking too much and not listening enough… I also worry that I’m so far from the raw grief that perhaps they won’t feel as though I understand where they are now. It’s so surreal though, so many of the feelings and things they’ve said I could’ve used to describe myself at that time. I felt so alone in my grief at that time… I felt that I was the only one feeling that way… and yet now I can see clearly how similar grief can be. I hate thinking of it in stages because we’re people- not cases in a textbook- and yet I have gone though the stages- sometimes I’ll take one step forward and two steps back but still… it can be hard to see everything when your world has just crumbled.

Two worlds spinning in different directions…..

inevitable

2010-12-19T12:23:00.000-05:00

I knew this day was inevitable... but still... to come just before Christmas was heart wrenching. In case I haven't mentioned it, Tommy is working at a funeral home now... the same funeral home we used for Levi. There have been times that dropping in to take him lunch is very much a reminder of Levi's death. Just last week for example I needed a place to nurse Madalyn and one of the funeral directors offered the blue room (called that because of the wall color but fitting for other obvious reasons too). Thank you but no- that would be the room we viewed Levi in- I'm not interested in staring at the last place I saw his face while Madalyn eats. There have been difficult funerals too; most of the people have died after long fulfilling lives but a few young people died unexpectedly.

Yesterday though they got the first baby since Tommy started working there. Tommy had taken Madalyn out while I worked on his Christmas present and stopped by work to see about an unfinished project. They got the call while he was there but when his co worker told him they had a baby it didn't register. It didn't register when he told me either. He wanted me to put a kit together. Its always hard to do but normally I put them together and maybe find out the story later. This time I cried as I packed a blanket and wrote a note. This year I've heard from a few of the moms who have received the kits and my heart breaks for each of them... there are no words...

Madalyn has wanted to snuggle the past couple of days and I think after hearing the news I've needed those snuggles more than she did.

Grieving with children

2010-10-23T10:43:00.004-04:00

I signed up a while ago to be apart of a study on grief and just completed a survey. It's detailed (meaning it took longer than five minutes to complete- luckily Madalyn is napping now) but I felt it was worthwhile... if you have some time they want to hear the views of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and friends who have experienced the death of a child.

http://tearstudy.org

I'm not sure if I misrepresented my grieving or not... it asked questions about the last seven days. If you'd asked me three weeks ago or two months ago my answers would've been different.

I don't know if it was the focus of October 15th or not but I was definitely an emotional wreck for about a week. I haven't been hit with too many waves of grief in a while so in an odd sort of way its felt good to just let the tears come. Its given me a different perspective on things. Its hard to grieve and parent at the same time. I had never realized how in some ways it was a blessing that Levi was my firstborn. When he died I didn't have to worry about how my grief might affect my other children, I didn't have to figure out how to explain his death when I was still in shock and denial myself.

I allowed myself to focus completely on grieving and healing.

I think Madalyn sensed my change of mood because she was much fussier than normal... or perhaps the top two teeth are pushing through (she got the bottom two about a month ago). Either way it became a vicious cycle- her cries made me even more on edge and then I struggled to comfort and calm her down. I don't know how I would've coped if the tables had been turned and I was trying to take care of her when the grief was new. I definitely have a new respect for those that have had to do both.

I'm glad I let the tears flow last weekend- but I'm glad Madalyn and I are both back to smiles now.

Elephants

2010-10-15T20:08:00.005-04:00

Most people associate their babies when they see butterflies, dragonflies or cherubs... not me... not exactly anyway. When I see those things I think of other people's losses, just not mine. I connect to elephants. Go figure. I'm just weird like that. I feel that the elephants chose me though- not the other way around :)

Maybe it started with my mom always calling me her baby elephant when I would sit on her lap much past the point I actually fit. Maybe it was the safari bedding I selected for the nursery.

Soon after we lost Levi I wrote this post. I was aching to talk about Levi and my grief and sorrow and yet had no idea how. I was constantly feeling as though his death was a giant elephant in the room. While I feel differently now and can speak of Levi with more ease and less sorrow, though it happens less frequently, I have not forgotten the early days of loss either.

Around the same time we were creating a memorial garden and looking for a fountain. My husband found the perfect one- we decided it was childlike and whimsical and loved the design- a baby elephant.

As I began working in the garden, I began to realize how perfect the fountain was because they say an elephant never forgets. I decided to make a conscious effort to find elephants the first Christmas without Levi and found the perfect ornament. I found another elephant ornament last year and hope to find one each year... we'll see if I'm able- there isn't a huge demand for elephant ornaments so there aren't tons to choose from.

My dad could never figure out why his aunt kept giving him elephants growing up. They stayed at his parents house collecting dust until recently. He's been giving them to me a little at a time reminding me that he hasn't forgotten either.

This year I received an unexpected elephant. A friend had it made for Madalyn- it wears a shirt with her name... but on its heart she stitched Levi's initials. I was so touched that she shared in both our joy and sorrow and understood the bittersweet emotions that came with Madalyn's safe arrival.

I've been thinking about my baby elephant a lot... I will never forget.

a smile

2010-07-27T20:47:00.000-04:00

One of the typical questions I now get asked is whether or not Madalyn is my first. I generally answer the same way each time. I reply 'sorta or not exactly' and go on to say that I had a son who was stillborn. I wonder if people think I'm strange because while I'm sure they probably expect a shaky voice and tears after they know the answer it isn't the look they see on my face. Instead there's generally a smile when I reply. Not a big goofy grin by any means... But I can feel the corners of my mouth turned up. It isn't that I'm happy that he died- but I'm happy to have the opportunity to share that he was here.

so true...

2010-06-20T05:00:00.000-04:00

I was looking up quotes for father's day and here's one I came across in my search:

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."
-Barbara Kingsolver

I hope we get to watch Madalyn grow up and then later down the road watch her children as they grow up. Already it feels as though she's growing much too fast but I would much prefer that then the alternative.

For those of you struggling this Father's Day, I wish you peace and send you my love.

Him and her

2010-05-04T13:53:00.003-04:00

She'll be raised as our oldest... but will forever be a second child.

She'll know who he was... but never who he is.

They are both loved and adored... but she gets kisses and hugs while he gets tears and broken dreams.

She's in my arms... he remains in my heart.

They were both 7 lbs 8 oz at birth... but only she will grow as the days and years go by.

His silence brings me to tears... her tears remind me of the life she has.

His garden was planted to remember him... her's was painted to bring her smiles and sunshine.

I look at her and remember the brief moments with him... I think of him and remember to cherish each and every moment with her.

I will be the type of parent I am to her because I didn't get to parent him.

I took pictures of both to preserve each moment... but I'll get to have many more moments with her and many more photos to take.

I have one of the only outfits he wore packed away- stained with his blood... I'll soon be packing away the outfits she's outgrown- stained with spit-up and poop.

Their lives are so intertwined and yet he was gone long before she even came.

Many of you commented on the similarities in the way they look- thank you, I think so too :) there's no denying they're siblings and it's comforting to see some of Levi in this new life- and yet she is enough of her own person.

peace & love

2010-04-04T17:25:00.000-04:00

Today I was thinking of how thankful I am for the sacrifice Christ made for me- and for you. One thought led to another... And my heart soon became heavy with sorrow.
I'd like to apologize.

-I'm sorry if you have ever been hurt by a Christian whose actions did not exemplify the love of Christ. I've been there- I know how frustrating it can be feeling that there's just hypocrisy. Please- focus on Christ and the love he proclaimed for you.

-I'm sorry if no one has shared the word of God with you. I'm often guilty of feelings of inadequacy when sharing my faith- worried that I might not have all the answers to all possible questions. Truthfully- I don't- but that shouldn't stop me from sharing. For those of you that know me just through the blog I do share my thoughts and reflections about my faith but it feels safer here somehow- I can ponder the things I write before posting... And well... Blogs tend to be monologues rather than dialogues. Please don't hesitate to ask me questions and begin a dialogue- if I don't have the answers I'll search to find them and point you in the right direction or let you know it puzzles me too- there are some points I view simply as leaps of faith.
-I'm sorry if you are a Christian and I haven't been part of the body you need. I try to be the person I should be- but often fall short. I myself have wondered why people haven't reached out to me when I've needed them and yet there are times I've needed to be the one to show the love of Christ to others and for various reasons I fail to be the person I long to be.

-I'm sorry if you are hurting right now and wonder where God is- or how there can be a loving God in the midst of such pain. I can't give some blanket answer- and believing in God has not protected me from pain- but I do know the comfort God has given me during my sorrows.

Today- this Easter Sunday- I challenge you to not view this as a day to search for eggs and candy but a day to seek God: Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart."

Read the Bible for yourself- pray what's on your heart- don't be afraid to ask questions.

Besides going straight to the source, I also recommend Lee Strobel's books "The Case for Christ" & "The Case for Faith". They're a look into his own search for solid answers about the validity of Christianity. If you're scientifically minded you may enjoy "The Case for a Creator" which examines DNA, evolution and such- but I confess- my brain went into overload reading it :)

Today, if I have caused pain- or someone professing Christianity and pushed you away from looking closer at a relationship with Christ, please accept my deepest apologies. People will fail you- I have no doubt that I will fall short again- but God will always be true to His word and His promises.

Why am I sharing this today? Because I know the difference in my life and I want others to know the same love and comfort I've felt. I don't want to give the illusion that a relationship with God and His Son Jesus mean a perfect and pain free life- I know from experience this is not true and the Bible tells us "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33.

Despite the trouble I've faced- I have found peace in Christ and I pray that you might find the same peace and love in your own lives.

Passover

2010-04-01T11:55:00.005-04:00

Passover- I wonder what the Pharaoh thought when Moses told him that all the firstborn sons would die in the night.

Was my heart hardened when I first had that inclination? Or was God just preparing my heart heart for the loss to come?

Did Pharaoh even tell the other Egyptians? Would it have mattered? Obviously word quickly spread through the Israelite community and they prepared... the blood of the lambs protected them.

I'm so grateful for the blood of The Lamb that protects me still.

The angel of death has visited my household- but while it robbed Levi of his breath, it did not steal his eternal life, nor did it rob me of my hope.

We go from Passover- a celebration that death did not stop at the Israelite homes. A celebration I feel I can not partake in... but then Easter comes... and while death had occurred, it did not have power over the grave!! That's something worth celebrating to me!

I wonder what Jesus thought of the irony as he sat to dine at his final Passover feast? He knew that death was coming for him- the firstborn Son- but he knew it would bring life for all... I know the timing of his death was no coincidence- he was the sacrificial Lamb- his blood was poured out to protect us from death- but yet he knew that he would not be passed over- he would have to taste death for us all.

The timing of Passover this year comes for me at a time that I wonder if it's a coincidence or not. I am 36 weeks pregnant right now... sometime between week 36 & 37 the angel of death came silently and took Levi without me even knowing. This time though I know that death can and does darken the doorways of our homes but it is life I am focused on! I have faith that I'll meet this baby as she takes her first breaths in three weeks (if not sooner).

Fear

2010-03-14T14:49:00.004-04:00

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications.

But I'm human.

And fear still creeps in.

Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart.

Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear.

I tried praying.

I took a two hour nap.

I tried distracting myself with tv.

I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone).

But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement.

I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped some... but it still didn't completely help.

But peace returned in the morning.

Psalm 34:3-4 (New International Version)

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

My prayers may not have been answered the minute I prayed on Thursday but I'm so grateful for the peace that returned (and the squirming from M. helped quite a bit too).

I'm nervous about getting through weeks 36-39 (March 31- April 21) without fear... but I've already requested the prayers of friends for that time and ask that you pray for me too. I know some people breathe a sigh of relief when they pass the point that they lost their child... I dread it. Up until then Levi was ok. Will my body turn on this baby too at that stage? Will she be safer in the womb or outside of it? In both my head and heart I believe she's going to make it- I don't believe I'm going to have to bury another child... but still... I'm dreading the end of this pregnancy and really can't wait to just hold her in my arms.

Manna

2010-02-25T03:34:00.001-05:00

Its 3 am and I can't sleep. We're starting a new chapter of our lives soon... very soon. On Saturday we'll be closing our doors to the coffee shop as we know it. Tommy will start a new full time job on Monday. It's the manna I've been praying for. When our insurance went up in October we began to really worry about finances. In December when sales reflected the economy we knew it was time to start job hunting and thinking about closing. We had hoped the part time job Tommy found would be the answer... And in many ways it truly was an answer to prayer. It didn't start as early as we thought it would so Tommy didn't have to worry about the time he spent with me while I was in the hospital... As far as meeting our financial needs though... we could tell right away that it wasn't the answer. So Tommy kept searching.

I am thankful for the manna.

A family friend with some connections met with Tommy and said he thought he could get him a nice job... 5 hours away... in a big city. I didn't even have to discuss it with him- he spoke for both of us when he told him how much we wanted to remain close to our family and love the community we're in- relocating would be an absolute last resort.

We kept praying and searching.

I know Tommy was stressed to his max between running the store solo, trying to provide and find another job and worrying about me and the baby... I just couldn't. Just the other night I told him that while yes- I want to know that our financial future will be fine... after burying Levi my perspective about everything has changed. As long as we're ok and this baby is ok- nothing else compares.

Which brings me back to manna.

While stuck at home I've been able to spend some much needed time in prayer and the scriptures. Last week I was reading about the Israelites time in the desert. God met their needs on a daily basis... But they weren't satisfied. They wanted more than just the manna- they wanted meat too. After reading that I looked around my house- I have more than manna- God has blessed us beyond what we deserve- but right now financially we're in a barren desert. I prayed that if God provided us with manna I wouldn't complain for meat.

He answered my prayer yesterday.

Tommy was offered a job. I'll probably have to teach some classes in the fall to help make ends meet... And we still have to figure out how to pay the bills for the store while it isn't bringing anything in and we try to sell or lease it (anyone want a slightly used coffee shop for a great deal?). But I'm not worried about those things either- we've been given manna and for that I praise God!

I've shed a few tears that the store is closing- but I know we had it for the time in our lives we needed it most- and for that I am truly grateful.

Psalm 8

2010-02-04T10:07:00.003-05:00

I completely forgot to mention this yesterday but I'm now officially in my third trimester!!!

Today I was reading the Psalms so I thought I'd share.

Psalm 8

A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
above the heavens.
2 From the lips of children and infants
you have ordained praise
because of your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.

I often don't think of infants as praising God... children- yes- and their innocent faith and fervernt prayers can be so moving... but I just don't think about it with infants. So I checked out a couple of different versions of this verse and many of them made a much stronger connection between the first and second parts of the verse- and I can see that. As we go through life we might (ok- will) step on toes and push people away from us. But babies- it's hard to say anything bad about a baby. They're helpless. Sure they get passed back to the parents if they're fussy or stinky but people are drawn to the smiles, laughter and coos of infants. Babies can often draw families together that have ceased to be on speaking terms.

Not that I really view myself as having foes, but I pray that the praise from my baby will touch the hearts of others. In many ways I believe she already is- even from the womb- there are so many people reaching out to us and praying for her. She's going to be the most loved (and spoiled) baby I think I know!

3 When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,

4 what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?

I haven't spent much time in the garden lately but one of the things I love about it is seeing the beauty that God has created. Man often tries to recreate and capture that beauty but never even comes close to the original masterpiece of His creation! And yet- with all that God has done, with all that he has created I know he cares for me. He still takes the time to show me that He's there with me- through the good times and the bad. When I deserve it and when I don't. He still cares. He still loves. Despite the fact that I'm a tiny little speck in the universe. Amazing.

5 You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings
and crowned him with glory and honor.

6 You made him ruler over the works of your hands;
you put everything under his feet:

7 all flocks and herds,
and the beasts of the field,

8 the birds of the air,
and the fish of the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.

I don't know what man has done to deserve to be crowned with glory and honor- oh yeah- nothing. I think we must love each other first- but we must not forget to take care of the works of God's hands that he has placed in our trust. I'm not an extreme environmentalist- I often get lazy and forget to seperate out recycling... but I still feel we have an obligation to take care of the world we've been blessed with because it is a beautiful, wonderful gift and it's the only one we have while we're here on earth.

9 O LORD, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!

All I can say to that is Amen!

Stubborn

2010-02-03T11:40:00.000-05:00

We have a stubborn baby on our hands. She really doesn't like the monitor too much and moves away when they try to get a good read of her heartbeat. It's there and it's strong and I can feel her moving but she doesn't seem to like it. (Which makes me wonder what the sound waves really sound like to her.)

I started thinking though. How many times are we like that? We find discomfort from things and so we run from them.

But we don't see the big picture. We don't see that this discomfort is to make sure we're strong enough.

My little Beanie Baby doesn't realize that we're just wanting to make sure she's ok anymore than I understand some of the things I'm going through. Sometimes I can look back and see the reasons, sometimes I can't. But just because I can't see the reason doesn't mean there wasn't one.

Tommy's new part time job didn't start right away like we expected it to... but that meant last week because we'd already notified customers we'd be closed on Mondays and Tuesdays Tommy and I were able to get the nursery ready and the study converted to a guest bedroom for our mothers to stay in when they come up to help. We were frustrated that he wouldn't be starting on Saturday... until we found ourselves in the hospital.

I don't always know how the pieces of my life fit- and it can be frustrating- and like this little baby I sometimes try to move away from the confusion. Sometimes the discomfort might be there to warn me that I'm heading in the wrong direction but sometimes it might be there for reasons that I just can't see.

I was reading Isaiah 40 yesterday. I was familiar with the end which tells of rising on wings like eagles and running without growing weary... but there were other verses that stood out to me as I was reading it this time.

Isaiah 40

10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
and his arm rules for him.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.

11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

12 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?

13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD,
or instructed him as his counselor?

14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?

I needed verse 11. I need that gentle leading while I carry (and care for) this young one. There are times in my life that I need to be pushed harder and further... but right now I need the Good Shepard to gently lead me where He wants me to go. I always need reminders of verse 13- we are not always meant to understand God- and that's ok- we don't always need to.

This stubborn baby... well so far it's looking like she takes after me on that trait :)

Bedrest

2010-01-31T20:29:00.004-05:00

I don't know how I would've reacted to this the first pregnancy. There wasn't much blood- but there was blood none the less.

We didn't pass go,

we didn't collect two hundred dollars.

We went straight to the hospital.

Before, chances are, I would've called to see if they wanted me to come in. This time I didn't bother calling. We did make a slight mistake though. I didn't bother packing a bag or anything because I really thought they'd do an ultrasound and exam to make sure the placenta was well attached and send me home on bed rest for a few days. I was wrong. They did the ultrasound and exam but also decided to keep me overnight. They said it's standard for any patient that experiences bleeding so... Tommy got to drive back up to Bainbridge before driving back down to crash on the pull out bed at the hospital. Besides toiletries we'd also left our dog Louie up there and I'm willing to guess it wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see if we'd left him alone all night.

My blood work has been fine so far though. I asked the lady doing the ultrasound if the placenta was properly attached- she said she wasn't allowed to answer that and a doctor would be examining all the pictures and give us the results so... we're waiting on that but I'm feeling fine. Tired, but fine.

This little baby has been stubborn though. She really didn't want to hold still to be monitored and kept moving around making it hard to get the thirty minute reading of her heartbeat that they wanted. I have to confess- I enjoy all the movement and the readings they got were all normal so the kicks brought smiles to my face.

She also wasn't cooperating during the ultrasound when I asked if she could confirm the gender- lol. That's the least of my concerns though. She's got all the organs she needs and is measuring right on schedule- a few days ahead but right around 2 1/2 lbs.

*** I wrote this before seeing my high risk doctor this morning. He nixed the overnight thing. Instead I'm here for 5-7 days. I'm not sure how I'm going to make arrangements for class... but on the positive side I might catch up on reading everyone else's blogs and knitting plus I've got a book I haven't started to read yet. Today went by quickly. We'll see how the rest of the week goes. I don't care how productive it is as long as this baby keeps kicking and growing safe inside. The doctors seem optimistic that she'll stay put- they haven't started me on steroids yet. This week I'll hit the 28 week mark which greatly increases her servival rate, but as much as I want her in my arms I know she's safest right where she is.

I can't shake the feeling that everything's gonna be ok with this Beanie Baby. We've had people lifting us up in prayer today for which I am so grateful and know that is a large part of the peace I'm feeling.

Hope is good.

What a ride...

2010-01-24T11:17:00.003-05:00

What a strange, strange week it's been. It was really odd not opening up on Monday. We stayed busy though. I had a doctor's appointment and Tommy's part time job hasn't started yet so he joined me and got to hear the heartbeat too... well- the official one- he's heard it on the home monitor we're renting multiple times. Afterwards I talked him into going to the new Babies-R-Us to check things out. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it'd be. We even went back yesterday and registered for some things.

I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursday. The 14th seemed to be a day of sorrow... the 20th was more of a day of funk. Once again poor Tommy got the brunt of it. I was snippy and on edge the whole morning- he hadn't done a thing but I find it's safer to vent to him. Even in the moment I apologized for snapping at him- I knew it wasn't him, he knew it wasn't him... and yet I continued.

Thursday I was back to normal though. The funk had lifted. Except then he got stuck dealing with damage control for my emotional state this month. Apparently I've said both too much and too little to someone we love and now they're hurt and I'm hurt and I don't think either one knows how to make things right again. Maybe things will get better come February. I've only got one more potentially emotional day in January. The 28th. The day Levi was actually due. I don't expect it to be difficult this year... but I always try to prepare myself just in case.

This roller coaster is so strange. I know the emotional days are coming- I can see myself falling with eyes wide open- but then the cart starts climbing up the track again. The ride leaves me with wobbly knees but I make it.

I didn't expect to be able to be as excited as I am for this baby. My plan was to leave everything boxed up until this baby was born. Just as our dads took the crib down while I was in the hospital after Levi died I figured they could put it back together while I was in the hospital after this baby comes out crying. But then plans change. I'm finding myself wanting to prepare. I never did really have the urge to nest with Levi. The only item that had been taken out of the box was the crib. But I have that urge now. Is God preparing my heart and home for this baby to come home with me? I hope so. I cling to that hope... and have unpacked and put together the crib, stroller & car seat, bouncer and swing. The bassinet is soon to follow.

It's good to hope again.

Change of schedule

2010-01-17T12:46:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow is going to be strange. We're closing the shop on Mondays and Tuesdays beginning this Monday. It isn't because we want to but rather because we need to. Insurance is killing us- it's more than our mortgage- and with the economy we just can't seem to make up for it. Tommy has a potential part time job lined up that he'll be working Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturday afternoons, so I hope and pray that having a stable income is the help we need (I know it may seem strange to close up in order to make money but Monday & Tuesday are the slowest days for us and it gets expensive training people and paying for labor in our absence). I'm teaching again this semester- but not very many hours so my supplemental income isn't supplementing very much. My plan was to stay at home after the baby... but I'm starting to accept that I may be teaching in the fall as well. (That makes our mothers happy because they would be forced to come up and watch the baby for us during my class time.)

This shop is more than just a job to us. We opened in September of '07- I was just finishing up my first trimester with Levi and though we knew very few people in town, we quickly grew to feel like a part of the community. After Levi died we felt even stronger that this town is home to us- people reached out even though they barely knew us.

Coming back to work, this shop brought healing. It forced me to become a part of society again. Over time I found I wasn't wearing a mask but truly smiling. I went from just getting through each moment, to getting through each day, to getting through each month... to only having some days I struggle getting through. And it is not just words of comfort that people share but it is primarily through the generosity of our customers that we have funded the pregnancy loss kits for the hospital and who have knit many of the blankets given.

People have looked out for me this pregnancy too. When they've asked how I'm doing and I say excited but nervous they tell me they understand. We wanted our shop to minister to others but we've been the recipients- I can't even count how many people have told me they're praying for me- and I know they truly are.

I hope and pray that closing Mondays and Tuesdays is all that it will take for us to ride out this economy... but no matter what happens I believe God is in control. I believe He knew that this shop (among other things) is what we needed during this time in our lives to get us through and He will lead us and guide us through the path ahead that we cannot yet see.

*****

This week I was looking back at the world shaking events in my life but others were just beginning to experience the quake in their own. Yes, I have lost a child... but I cannot imagine what some of the people are going through right now- they are losing their children, spouses, parents, homes and jobs all at one time.

My aunt worked with one of the people that died as a result of the earthquake in Haiti. I don't know all the details but I know he was down there before the devastation to reach out to those that were hurting already. He survived being trapped in a collapsed building for 55 hours but then died. I hope only that his family finds comfort knowing that his death came because his heart was full of love for the hurting in this world. Some of his co-workers that were also there survived- though one is in critical condition. I pray for all the people effected by last week's quake. Just as we have felt the comfort from our community- I pray that Haiti may be touched and feel the comfort of the community worldwide.

Looking back

2010-01-16T12:30:00.000-05:00

I know the circumstances are different but sometimes I wonder if sometimes I have a problem looking back.

Genesis 19 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

I haven't turned into a pillar of salt- but have become a puddle of salty tears. I don't always try to look back... but each time I get turned around I can tell the difference. There are times people pull me back and times something triggers me to look back but the results are often the same.

I wonder why Lot's wife looked back. Was she thinking back about the life she once knew? Was she thinking of the friends she once had? Did she hear something that just distracted her from her forward path? Was it just a glace or was it a longing for what once was?

In healing I have looked back and beat myself up over the what if's and felt anger at doctors and others... but it hasn't brought Levi back. It only brings salt to my eyes.

I have looked back at the life I once had... and the plans I had made. But I will never be that person again- no matter how much I may glance at my old self.

I am grateful for the lessons Levi has taught me- I do want to clarify- I do view it differently remembering Levi's life and impact versus looking back at the details of his death. What I am hoping is that now that I have shared Levi's story I can look forward to the things I can change and only the memories that bring smiles- not bitterness.

Joy comes in the morning

2010-01-15T13:04:00.005-05:00

So far January hasn't been as hard as I prepared myself for. I made it through the 2nd just fine, the 9th I struggled a little but was ok, the days in between haven't been a problem... yesterday... well yesterday was rough. I'm not gonna lie. I practically woke up in tears. I cried for Levi. I cried for the carefree life I once had... when I thought I had all of life's answers (ok- so most of life's answers). I cried when we went to the cemetery and thought I'd pulled it together by the time we made it to the doctor's office... but I cried there too.

Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least serious gene mutation. If Tommy tests positive as well, it could mean problems for the baby but the doctor took me off of the baby aspirin because he was more concerned with that creating problems due to the location of my placenta and bleeding that could ensue. It's something else to be cautious about but at least I'm prepared and they're monitoring it (they also noted concern at my last appointment but he seemed more hopeful then it would correct itself and move- no such luck of course).

The rest of the day we just took it easy- I took a nap from the emotional exhaustion and we enjoyed a nice dinner with my parents... but at the end of the day my eyes still felt puffy from tears. I am so grateful for the words of comfort and encouragement that people have shared this month. Thank you for those of you that held us up in prayers- it means so much!!

Today is a new day though!

I woke up sleepy but smiling. Yesterday was a day of sorrow but today my eyes are not heavy with tears.

When I was reading my Bible these were part of the passage I'm at today. I thought the timing was perfect.

1 Peter 1:3-7
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

My faith is still not perfect- but it is being refined by fire- and I want more than anything to show that it is genuine. I rejoice not for the grief but for the strengthening of my faith.

Despite the complications of this pregnancy with the diabetes, the blood clotting and now the placenta, I have a peace about this baby. I can't explain it anymore than I can explain the feeling I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Levi. My head tells me not to go shopping for baby things but my heart says everything's gonna be ok. I don't know if the 'ok feeling' will mean that physically she'll be in my arms but emotionally I'm at peace (at least at this stage- I know better than to predict future emotions).

Thank you again for all who checked in on us, prayed for us and encouraged us!!

Reality

2010-01-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

It took me about 30 mins to come out of anesthesia and another 30 mins to really shake my dopey state. They waited until I was with it before bringing Levi in. Physically I couldn't really sit up very well so Levi was laid beside me. When I saw him my hopes and prayers for a miracle quickly disappeared. I knew he was gone from this world and I'd have to wait for my time to go before I'd even get to look into his eyes.

Despite reality setting in, I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. He looked so perfect- and yet so fragile. He was a healthy 7 lbs 8 oz with fat cheeks and full lips... but his skin had already started to tear. I watched him carefully as he was passed around to all the family members- feeling the need to keep a close eye on him... and yet there was nothing they could have done nor would they have done to harm him in any way. When Tommy held him it was different though. I watched him closely thinking of what could have been. He walked back and forth in the room softly singing to him. It made my heart melt... and ache.

We kept him with us until I felt myself fighting to stay awake. The nurse came and got him and we told her we wanted to see him one last time while we still could. I rested briefly while they reswaddled him in hospital blankets so we could keep the outfit he wore and brought him to us again. I wanted to keep him there forever... but knew it was time to let him go.

The days that followed brought teary nights and funeral plans. Tommy and our parents made most of the arrangements but I gave my input on the things that mattered to me. When deciding on a floral spray it seemed like such a reminder that children aren't meant to die. All the arrangements looked wrong- they were too big for such a small body. I was told I'd have the option of seeing Levi again once before he was buried but he wouldn't look the same. At first I said no- I wanted to remember him as I saw him... but then I felt I had to see him again. It wasn't the same. He was cold and grey, his body stiff. It was hard seeing him like that- but I knew that if I didn't spend every minute I could with him I might end up regretting that too. I don't regret the decision to see him that way, despite how difficult it was.

"...I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23

With Levi's birth and the days that followed, I knew the miracle I wanted was not to be. I don't know the reasons why but will strive to live my life so that I will go to him one day.

Waiting and hoping

2010-01-14T16:36:00.000-05:00

We walked into the hospital in a daze. A friend who works there had done as much as she could to check me in and they let my mom finish the rest of the paper work. I just stood and cried. As we walked into the labor and delivery I was touched to see the tears in the eyes of nurses I'd only met once a month before. They'd taken the warming bed out of the room but it still had reminders of the happiness it should have had.

They started out trying to soften my cervix... The initial meds did nothing- they had to give me a stronger overnight drug. The following morning began with a pitocin drip to get contractions going. Even when the monitors showed they were strengthening in intensity they caused discomfort but no real pain. By the end of the day, despite increases in the doses of pitocin I really hadn't progressed at all.

The doctor told me he wanted to send me home for the weekend to let my body rest and see if it would kick into labor on its own. It didn't. I wondered if he just didn't want to be stuck at the hospital with me all weekend but I didn't argue. After two days of being hooked up to everything and having no desire to see the visitors that kept coming by I was ready for a break.

The time at the house was so surreal. I still looked pregnant... Technically I guess - still was... Physically I didn't feel any different than before we got the news... Emotionally... I bounced between grief, shock, hope and denial. Hope... I know that word seems out of place but its true. I thought if Lazarus had been restored life after the grave why couldn't my baby have life restored while still in the womb. I prayed for a miracle but I also prayed that God's will might be done... Even if that wasn't the miracle my heart desired.

Monday was back to the hospital. They raised me up to the highest level of pitocin. During the time I labored, the parents and Tommy tried to keep my spirits up and also shield me as much as possible. I think everyone in our small town heard the news and came to the hospital to see us... I just didn't want to be seen. As touched as I was that so many people cared despite not really knowing us(just to remind you we'd only really met people in town since opening the shop in September), I wasn't ready to talk. Poor Tommy... He got stuck calling people, warding people away at the door, later making all the initial funeral arrangements... I feel bad that he had to function through his grief, though he has shared that it helped him feel as though he could do something to help me.

Labor on Monday progressed about as well as it did the previous four days. By mid afternoon the doctor decided it was time to break my water to see if that would help but just as he was about to it broke on its own. That still didn't help though. They came into give me an epidural to see if that would help... It only numbed one side of my body. I still wasn't dilating though. I don't know how much of it was physical and how much was psychological but my body clearly wasn't giving this baby up on its own. We had discussed the possibility of a c-section before I was sent home for the weekend and it was clear that it was inevitable- particularly after my water broke. After one failed attempt at the epidural I told them I didn't want them trying again. I know general anesthesia has its risks... But I was ok with risks to my body- just not my baby's... But that was no longer a concern. They wheeled me back but since I was going under general Tommy wasn't allowed in the OR.

January 9, 2008

2010-01-09T11:50:00.000-05:00

The day started with a call from my mom... she was feeling sick so she didn't want to come to the ultrasound and risk getting me sick too...so we called Tommy's mom and invited her to come up again (she also got to see the 16 week ultrasound). We had the store covered so that Tommy could also join me at the appointment and we took the new video camera my parents had gotten us for Christmas. I've replayed what Tommy filmed once in the past two years. He played peek-a-boo with the big belly using the shutter of the camera. I laughed at his silliness thinking what a good dad he'd be.

They called us back before Tommy's mom arrived and I remember trying to think of stall tactics so she wouldn't miss anything. I actually didn't need to because they started giving us all kinds of consent forms and explaining how to pre-register at the hospital. Tommy's mom finally made it just before the ultrasound began. The nurse started out pointing everything out with Tommy filming away... but then she said she was having a hard time getting the stomach and needed to get the doctor. That seemed strange to me... and I felt my own stomach drop. I knew when they asked Tommy to stop filming before the doctor came in that it couldn't be good. He kept moving the wand over my belly again and again before telling me there was no heartbeat and there had been a "fetal demise". He couldn't even say the words 'Your baby has died,' it was cold and medical. He told us the ultrasound machine at the hospital was stronger than his and wanted us to go there to make sure... but also told me he'd see me at five the next morning to induce me.

While waiting for all the arrangements to be made, Tommy called my mom. The reception was terrible and my mom thought Tommy was calling to tell her I'd finally caved about finding out the gender... Tommy just kept saying 'No, the baby passed away' until she heard and understood.

We walked into the hospital in a daze. After finding where we were supposed to go they made us wait in the lobby as we had been given no order slip of any kind and apparently the lady in front of us was not the one who spoke with the doctor's office. After what seemed like forever someone came to find us and took us back. But the high power of this machine could not detect any flickering hope either. Once again we heard and saw the sound of silence. Tears silently flowed the whole time. I overheard the techs talking amongst themselves wondering why I'd been sent over before finally telling me they couldn't give me any news that was any different than my doctor had already told me. No one seemed to be able to even say the words 'Your baby has died,'... they were so unthinkably horrific... and yet I was having to try to digest this news.

As we left, both Tommy and I thought back to early in the first trimester. I'd felt a strong urging that this baby wouldn't make it and so I didn't let Tommy share our news with anyone but family. As soon as I made it past the first trimester though I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and dismissed them as normal fears during that time. But after the fear came true the memory of that urging came rushing back. Had God tried to prepare my heart? I thought maybe I was making the memory up until Tommy asked if I remembered what I'd told him so many weeks ago. This is yet another piece of the puzzle that I struggle fitting into place. In some ways it brings comfort, in others pain.

We went home and the rest of the parents came up. I was very much in a state of shock and disbelief. Tommy started making phone calls to let people know. I crawled into bed hoping I'd wake up from a nightmare. But I never did. I woke up the next morning crying into my pillow that had already been soaked and stained with tears.

Two years later

2010-01-09T10:38:00.003-05:00

They say silence is golden... but I know better. I have heard the silence when I should have heard the beating of a heart. There were no cries when he was born. I have seen and felt the stillness of my son. I would have done anything to get rid of the silence... to hear his cries and coos... to feel him kick and squirm. Two years later I find unimaginable joy in the thumping of this new baby's heart... but it won't make his beat again. I find comfort with each movement and kick that she makes... but he remains still.

There have been many tears shed these past two years for what could have been... but there has been comfort and peace as well. The tears do not flow as often or as heavy as they once did- but when they come I let them come and don't hold back.

The shock has worn off and reality set in a while ago. I know this is a nightmare I won't wake up from. I do not wish that this were my life... but it is.

I have learned valuable lessons that I never wanted to learn and met wonderful people that I never wanted to meet. I have been comforted during my mourning and found a peace that surpasses all my understanding.

Two years after hearing the sound of silence I am sitting here at work. I was able to deal with customers for a little while and smile. I wonder if they see the pain behind the smile. It isn't as hard as it once was... though I did retreat to the inventory room for most of the morning leaving Tommy to man the counter alone. I don't know how he's managed to be such a rock... but I'm thankful that he is. We'll close up on the 14th but since today we're only open until noon we figured we could handle that.

This new baby has given me plenty of reasurring kicks today and for that I am thankful. She will not replace her older brother and has both brought healing to my heavy heart in addition to new reminders of our loss.

Last year I wrote this and still feel nerves that have not reconnected and scars that are still visibally noticable... but my heart is no longer in grave danger of ripping open.

This year I feel that I am being lifted from the pit... He has turned my wailing into dancing and removed the sackcloth and clothed me with joy... I still stumble... I still struggle... I still question... but I find myself dancing more... I find myself not just happy but finding joy again.

Psalm 30
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple. Of David.

1 I will exalt you, O LORD,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 O LORD my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.

3 O LORD, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.

4 Sing to the LORD, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.

5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

6 When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."

7 O LORD, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.

8 To you, O LORD, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:

9 "What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

10 Hear, O LORD, and be merciful to me;
O LORD, be my help."

11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

12 that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.