Life After Levi

Butterflies

2011-09-14T20:46:00.001-04:00

My zinnias are overgrown. I was going to cut them down this weekend when I realized how many butterflies they attract. Overgrown as they may be, the zinnias stayed and I sat and thought of Levi and all the other babies gone too soon.

Same name- different story

2011-07-31T23:00:00.003-04:00

I was going to post tonight about some musings from today and was surprised to see blog traffic from an unusual number of google searches for Levi Aron. I'm terrible about keeping up with the news and so I had no idea that I'd find what I did when I did a quick google search myself. Leiby Kletzky, age 8, was murdered by a 35 year old by the name of Levi Aron.

I felt saddened and sickened that now when people hear my son's name- for some it will cause anger and disgust.

My heart breaks for Leiby's family- I am so sorry for your loss.

Blindsided

2011-06-15T22:01:00.003-04:00

I wasn't expecting it. One of my dear sweet friends announced she was moving, but I wasn't expecting it to hit me like it did. I knew it would be hard to see her go because she's really reached out to me since Levi died. I didn't even know her before his death but she made an effort to offer comfort and connect. Still though, it surprised me when I kept tearing up because that's just not my normal reaction. Then it hit me. Her youngest son is the only three year old boy I have really been able to watch grow up... and now he's gone too. I miss them.

Another space

2011-03-04T13:43:00.002-05:00

I’ve reached a point that I feel that it is best to start a new blog. I’ll still be posting here occasionally. I’d always intended to just post in one place, reflecting how my life has changed after having Levi- both the pain and the joy. It gave me hope when reading others blogs that had been through trials and they came out stronger on the other side and I’d hoped this place could do the same for others. Lately though I’ve been seeing it differently. I still want people to come here and see the hope that things do get better, but I find myself holding back on some of the joy. I hesitate, wondering if I’m posting too many pictures of Madalyn, I waver on posting milestones she’s hitting. Madalyn will still be mentioned in some of my posts here, I am a different mother to her because of Levi and the two cannot be completely separated. But with that being said, I’m sorry if I caused anyone pain. If you would like to keep up with Madalyn, her new blog is http://hope535.blogspot.com/ .

Two worlds

2011-03-04T13:41:00.000-05:00

I feel like I’ve got my feet in two worlds and I don’t always know how to handle it or balance it. I don’t always feel like I fit in with the mom group… I’m not a stay at home mom and yet I’m not working full time either. I don’t have the innocence that many of them have and can’t always relate to everything. Yet I feel like I don’t always feel like I fit in the loss community either. It’s not that I’ve forgotten or moved on now that I have a child but joy has come in the morning. I’ve recently met two women who lost their sons almost exactly three years after Levi died… it’s just so strange because at the same time I’m involved with forming a small group of moms through our church.

Two worlds and I’m in both… but not really. Where do I fit? What is my role? I feel like I’m not the right person in either case. I don’t know how apparent it is to other people- especially those that know me from the coffee shop- but I’m timid with new people. Inviting people to join in has been a big step out of my comfort zone and I’m making myself do it… but I’m still hesitant and feel apprehensive. I think I just fear rejection.

I feel like these grieving moms have been placed in my path for a reason too. With them I mainly fear talking too much and not listening enough… I also worry that I’m so far from the raw grief that perhaps they won’t feel as though I understand where they are now. It’s so surreal though, so many of the feelings and things they’ve said I could’ve used to describe myself at that time. I felt so alone in my grief at that time… I felt that I was the only one feeling that way… and yet now I can see clearly how similar grief can be. I hate thinking of it in stages because we’re people- not cases in a textbook- and yet I have gone though the stages- sometimes I’ll take one step forward and two steps back but still… it can be hard to see everything when your world has just crumbled.

Two worlds spinning in different directions…..

inevitable

2010-12-19T12:23:00.000-05:00

I knew this day was inevitable... but still... to come just before Christmas was heart wrenching. In case I haven't mentioned it, Tommy is working at a funeral home now... the same funeral home we used for Levi. There have been times that dropping in to take him lunch is very much a reminder of Levi's death. Just last week for example I needed a place to nurse Madalyn and one of the funeral directors offered the blue room (called that because of the wall color but fitting for other obvious reasons too). Thank you but no- that would be the room we viewed Levi in- I'm not interested in staring at the last place I saw his face while Madalyn eats. There have been difficult funerals too; most of the people have died after long fulfilling lives but a few young people died unexpectedly.

Yesterday though they got the first baby since Tommy started working there. Tommy had taken Madalyn out while I worked on his Christmas present and stopped by work to see about an unfinished project. They got the call while he was there but when his co worker told him they had a baby it didn't register. It didn't register when he told me either. He wanted me to put a kit together. Its always hard to do but normally I put them together and maybe find out the story later. This time I cried as I packed a blanket and wrote a note. This year I've heard from a few of the moms who have received the kits and my heart breaks for each of them... there are no words...

Madalyn has wanted to snuggle the past couple of days and I think after hearing the news I've needed those snuggles more than she did.

a Cold Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T18:17:00.000-05:00

Besides her first Thanksgiving, Madalyn is also getting to experience her first cold. She's been tugging at her ear which I thought meant we'd soon see her top two teeth but then Monday night she kept waking up crying with snot everywhere. She wasn't running a fever, but just trying to breathe frustrated her and kept me from getting much sleep. Since Thanksgiving means the doctor's office will be closed, I called them up and described her symptoms... and was promptly transferred to the appointment desk. So the plans for the day got tossed out the window for a trip to the doctor. By the time we got there she was running a low grade fever but they were happy with the way her ears and throat looked and said her chest sounded good so- looks like your run of the mill, snotty nose, common cold. I can deal with that just fine. This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for a snotty nose to wipe and grateful that my sleepless night isn't caused by anything major. My heart goes out to those of you struggling to find what to be thankful for, particularly if this is your first holiday season after a loss.

Sleeping beauty

2010-11-17T20:33:00.000-05:00

It used to bother me after I lost Levi and I'd see or hear people describing their favorite time of the day as nap time. I see it differently now though. The joy and peace I feel watching Madalyn sleep doesn't mean I don't enjoy the rest of my day, far from it. I usually reflect back over the morning or day and stare in amazement as she slumbers. I've teared up a few times as Madalyn drifts off- she doesn't let me rock her to sleep often anymore, but I'll lay her on our bed and stroke her forehead. Its the sweetest thing- she's started mirroring my actions and will stroke my hand or arm. Her little fingers gently pet me and she gazes into my eyes until her eyelids become too heavy and it just melts my heart!! Even after I think she's fallen asleep she often reaches out to make sure one of us is still there.

As much as watching her sleep fills me with peace and joy, it also makes me anxious and fearful. Madalyn has decided she prefers sleeping on her stomach. I'll place her on her back and she'll proceed to turn herself over at some point. This doesn't totally phase me, my mom was told it was best for babies to sleep on their stomachs when I was little. What causes me to stress during nap time is not simply that she prefers her stomach but that she often also plants herself face down with her nose buried in the mattress. I try turning her head to the side which results in one of three things: 1) she turns it back, 2) she keeps it to the side where I've positioned it, or 3) it wakes her up and nap time is over. I do have one of the motion sensor monitors but I'm guilty of letting her nap in the middle of our bed (because she falls asleep so easily there). That will be changing very soon though as she is becoming more mobile and pillows will be of little deterance for the edge of the bed.

Here are some pictures of a slumbering babe from a few months ago when her sleep brought me pure peace :)

Grieving with children

2010-10-23T10:43:00.004-04:00

I signed up a while ago to be apart of a study on grief and just completed a survey. It's detailed (meaning it took longer than five minutes to complete- luckily Madalyn is napping now) but I felt it was worthwhile... if you have some time they want to hear the views of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and friends who have experienced the death of a child.

http://tearstudy.org

I'm not sure if I misrepresented my grieving or not... it asked questions about the last seven days. If you'd asked me three weeks ago or two months ago my answers would've been different.

I don't know if it was the focus of October 15th or not but I was definitely an emotional wreck for about a week. I haven't been hit with too many waves of grief in a while so in an odd sort of way its felt good to just let the tears come. Its given me a different perspective on things. Its hard to grieve and parent at the same time. I had never realized how in some ways it was a blessing that Levi was my firstborn. When he died I didn't have to worry about how my grief might affect my other children, I didn't have to figure out how to explain his death when I was still in shock and denial myself.

I allowed myself to focus completely on grieving and healing.

I think Madalyn sensed my change of mood because she was much fussier than normal... or perhaps the top two teeth are pushing through (she got the bottom two about a month ago). Either way it became a vicious cycle- her cries made me even more on edge and then I struggled to comfort and calm her down. I don't know how I would've coped if the tables had been turned and I was trying to take care of her when the grief was new. I definitely have a new respect for those that have had to do both.

I'm glad I let the tears flow last weekend- but I'm glad Madalyn and I are both back to smiles now.

Elephants

2010-10-15T20:08:00.005-04:00

Most people associate their babies when they see butterflies, dragonflies or cherubs... not me... not exactly anyway. When I see those things I think of other people's losses, just not mine. I connect to elephants. Go figure. I'm just weird like that. I feel that the elephants chose me though- not the other way around :)

Maybe it started with my mom always calling me her baby elephant when I would sit on her lap much past the point I actually fit. Maybe it was the safari bedding I selected for the nursery.

Soon after we lost Levi I wrote this post. I was aching to talk about Levi and my grief and sorrow and yet had no idea how. I was constantly feeling as though his death was a giant elephant in the room. While I feel differently now and can speak of Levi with more ease and less sorrow, though it happens less frequently, I have not forgotten the early days of loss either.

Around the same time we were creating a memorial garden and looking for a fountain. My husband found the perfect one- we decided it was childlike and whimsical and loved the design- a baby elephant.

As I began working in the garden, I began to realize how perfect the fountain was because they say an elephant never forgets. I decided to make a conscious effort to find elephants the first Christmas without Levi and found the perfect ornament. I found another elephant ornament last year and hope to find one each year... we'll see if I'm able- there isn't a huge demand for elephant ornaments so there aren't tons to choose from.

My dad could never figure out why his aunt kept giving him elephants growing up. They stayed at his parents house collecting dust until recently. He's been giving them to me a little at a time reminding me that he hasn't forgotten either.

This year I received an unexpected elephant. A friend had it made for Madalyn- it wears a shirt with her name... but on its heart she stitched Levi's initials. I was so touched that she shared in both our joy and sorrow and understood the bittersweet emotions that came with Madalyn's safe arrival.

I've been thinking about my baby elephant a lot... I will never forget.

anxiety

2010-08-04T15:48:00.000-04:00

I have two more weeks until classes begin... I have to say my stomach is in knots. I'm actually not stressed about leaving Madalyn, my parents are coming up one day a week and Tommy's mom is coming up the other. I'm worried about balancing it all. Will I be able to sufficiently plan, grade and keep the house together during nap time while maintaining my sanity? That's assuming there will be nap time. Sometimes Madalyn just takes 15 minute cat naps throughout the day and other days she'll stay knocked out for an hour or two. I'm sure it will all work out, I'll just have to be careful about managing my time wisely.

3 months

2010-08-03T14:07:00.000-04:00

Some of Madalyn's 3 month pictures that my friend Mesa took!

a smile

2010-07-27T20:47:00.000-04:00

One of the typical questions I now get asked is whether or not Madalyn is my first. I generally answer the same way each time. I reply 'sorta or not exactly' and go on to say that I had a son who was stillborn. I wonder if people think I'm strange because while I'm sure they probably expect a shaky voice and tears after they know the answer it isn't the look they see on my face. Instead there's generally a smile when I reply. Not a big goofy grin by any means... But I can feel the corners of my mouth turned up. It isn't that I'm happy that he died- but I'm happy to have the opportunity to share that he was here.

4th

2010-07-03T21:08:00.004-04:00

I can't believe how much you have to pack for a 3 nights away with a baby!! This doesn't even show the swing adapter for the carseat or the playpen!!! The crazy thing is we used most of it.

We headed out over the weekend of the 4th to see both sides of my family. It was Madalyn's first real road trip and she did great (though we are rethinking a longer trip we'd talked about doing in October... we'll see). I can't blame her for the fussy times- both times were towards the end of a long stretch in her carseat and while we tried to break the trip up and let her strech out, she was still stuck in it for a good chunk of the time.

Every year over the 4th of July my mom's side of the family has a family reunion. Between 150-200 people come and I don't know most of them but I was looking forward to going this year. They recognize the oldest and youngest family members and I was hoping we'd take a double win- my grandma has won for the oldest female for the past three years... unfortunately Madalyn got beat out by a two week old... but my grandma pulled in her fourth win (for the 4th- lol). Ya win some, ya lose some. We had fun anyway- we got to see some of my cousins that we don't see often and really enjoyed the trip.

so true...

2010-06-20T05:00:00.000-04:00

I was looking up quotes for father's day and here's one I came across in my search:

"It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."
-Barbara Kingsolver

I hope we get to watch Madalyn grow up and then later down the road watch her children as they grow up. Already it feels as though she's growing much too fast but I would much prefer that then the alternative.

For those of you struggling this Father's Day, I wish you peace and send you my love.

gluttony

2010-06-19T15:08:00.002-04:00

They say you can't overfeed a breastfed baby... I beg to differ...

Madalyn just kept nursing and she looked like she was ready to pop when she finally decided she was full.

how do you respond?

2010-06-18T08:45:00.003-04:00

I keep getting the same question over and over from people- Is she a good baby? I'm never really sure how to answer- yes, all babies are good; Yes, she's here and alive... No, she's a terrible baby... Really what do people expect you to respond with? Even if she were fussy I don't see myself chalking her up as a bad baby... Oops sorry doctor, you delivered a bad one, I'd like to exchange her please... But in all seriousness we had a few weeks she really did seem inconsolable. You could feel her little tummy tighten up and knew she was crying from pain. Personally I'm inclined to think the antibiotics did a number on her system. I find it funny that as soon as she fit the definition of a colicky baby, she wasn't colicky anymore (crying for 3+ hours a day, 3+ days a week for 3 weeks).

After the third week of tears and sleepless nights she either got used to the way her digestive system works or it matured a little- either way we have a much happier baby on our hands. It was very stressful not being able to take the pain away and not really knowing what to do. She'd cry because she was hungry and then eat and then cry because it hurt her tummy to digest it... then too soon after she finally settled down she'd cry because she was hungry again. Anyway, I found that she likes being walked, bounced and sung to and if she's upset sitting and rocking her doesn't seem to soothe her. She has a love hate relationship with the car- she either really loves it or really hates it... She's more towards the love side but the moments she decides she wants out make me tremble and give me a fear of long road trips (but I think we'll face that fear head on over the fourth of July to go see family).

Despite the fussy times she really is a good baby. She likes to snuggle up and be close, she makes the most adorable faces and noises, as I'm typing this she's laying on my chest, fast asleep and I'm listening to her breathe- these moments are priceless and I wouldn't trade them for the world!!

great

2010-06-14T20:48:00.000-04:00

My grandma K. came up and got to meet her first great granddaughter. We got a picture of the four generations of women. Madalyn has also gotten to meet most of her great aunts. its great to have all these greats loving on her :).

if you're happy and you know it...

2010-06-14T14:44:00.003-04:00

A few of my friends have commented about how happy I look... And I am... But I didn't realize how I looked before. Could they see the sadness... Or did my face show the worries of this pregnancy? Do they think the joy I have now reflects that I've ended my mourning? Or am I just bubbling over with smiles?

I didn't picture myself as unhappy before Madalyn arrived... If anyone had asked I would have described myself as hopeful and at peace. But I must admit its hard to not constantly smile looking at the sweetheart in my arms.

I haven't stopped thinking of Levi... In fact we often take Madalyn into the garden and tell her about her older brother. But I can see that things are different now and not really how I expected it to be.

I joined a friend for a play date where there were lots of two year olds and I found myself wondering not if Levi would have been talking or running but rather wondering what Madalyn will be like in two years. Perhaps it was due to the fact that most of the kids were little girls... But I think it was more than just that. I want to enjoy each moment with Madalyn and don't want her to ever feel there's a black cloud hanging over her life. I want her to know about her brother but never feel like he would've been perfect if he'd lived and she can never measure up. I love both my children but I know one is already being cared for in the hands of a Father that loves him even more than I do but I am responsible for raising up Madalyn in the way she should go. That's a big responsibility that I try not to take lightly. I don't just want to tell her about the joy of the Lord- I want her to see me live it- I want her to see that I am casting my cares upon the Lord and trusting in Him... Some days I have to make a conscious effort to turn things over to God and to seek joy and not fear... But the more I do it the easier it gets. I guess I'm glad that others can see my joy because it means she'll be able to see it too.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalms 30:5

nursery & names

2010-06-11T14:46:00.006-04:00

Madalyn's garden is finished!!! (Only seven weeks after Madalyn's arrived- but she's still not sleeping there anyway... and I don't think she'd notice even if she were :)) There will be more pictures to hang I'm sure, and eventually we plan on moving a shelf that matches the cabinet into her room... but for now I can at least put away the paint. I'm really happy with the way it turned out :). A friend created the custom frame for us and I love the reminder as soon as you open the door that Madalyn is an answer to prayer and a gift from God. You can check out Holly's stuff online but she's also now at retail stores nationwide :). We're so happy for her and its been fun to see it all develop!!

***********

A lot of people I know have asked about Madalyn's name. It's not a family name- we just liked it. We wanted a Biblical name... but it seemed like we kept eliminating the traditional ones for one reason or another. Madalyn is the English version (of the French version) of Magdalene. A woman with seven demons. Probably not the most ideal person to be named after... and yet the perfect choice. We all have demons. We all have sinned in one way or another. There's not actually a lot written about Mary Magdalene in the Bible but rumors fly about her relationship with Jesus. I don't buy any of the rumors. What is clear though is her love and devotion to her Savior. It's the type of love and devotion I pray my Madalyn has for the same Savior.

Her middle name was important to me. It is Hope that has gotten me through this time. Even before Levi died, Romans 5:3-5 was a favorite of mine... but it took on new meaning after his death. The Hope in Christ does not disappoint me.

Weeks 1-6

2010-06-02T12:19:00.005-04:00

I can't believe how much Madalyn is growing!!!

Hospital days

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

i've learned...

2010-05-29T14:43:00.003-04:00

...no amount of preparing can actually prepare you for a baby.

...poop is not the dirty four letter word I thought it was. I was worried that every dirty diaper would produce the gag reflex but it hasn't been nearly as bad as I'd thought it'd be.

...sizes are just a suggestion. At 5 weeks, Madalyn is filling out (and out growing) her 0-3 month clothes.

... showers and meals are not to be taken for granted... and its best to be quick.

...what works one moment may not work two seconds later.

...its best to let a sleeping beauty sleep. And this sleeping beauty will sleep in her bassinet at night but expects to be held for daytime naps.

...it's best to plan around when it's time for Madalyn to eat... but make sure whatever plans are made are flexible and can be broken.

...don't schedule anything for early in the morning- it takes forever to try to leave the house with a baby.

...there are times I feel helpless when Madalyn cries... this occurs on a daily basis- gas and colic are painful for her and I hate not being able to make her feel better.

...it helps to have a change of clothes... for me- Madalyn vomited up milk all the way down my back to my butt one day- I felt pretty- lol.

...I have a totally different respect for mothers!!

...it truly takes a village to raise a child- even a pint sized one. I don't know what we would have done without the help of our families and encouragement from friends.

...I still have a ton to learn!!!

Discharge

2010-05-11T10:02:00.003-04:00

The doctor came in and thinks the reason for the higher white blood cell count is because there was blood in the spinal fluid and it wasn't a pure sample- which makes sense since they had to go in a second time to get the fluid because the first only drew blood. The culture that did come back with bacterial growth was... big surprise... the one from her belly button. It's looking 200% better though- I'm thinking the antibiotics may have cleared up any potential problems there by now- it still has some healing to do but no more oozing to be seen. They're waiting to discharge us though until a full 48 hours has passed since they started the cultures from the spinal fluid- at this point a couple more hours of waiting is ok- I'm just glad there won't be any more poking or prodding!! And Madalyn- she's sleeping peacefully after eating a full breakfast- she doesn't seem to have a care in the world :)

Thank you for all the prayers!! They have been answered and brought us much comfort!!!

Mother's Day trauma

2010-05-10T11:00:00.001-04:00

I knew Mother's Day would be bittersweet this year... but I wasn't expecting it to be like it was. My plan was to take Madalyn out to the cemetery for the first time. To spend some time thinking of both my babies... the mother I wanted to be and the mother I'll get to be. It didn't happen that way.

Instead I got to spend it in the hospital.

I only wish I were the patient.

(this is after getting poked and prodded- you can tell from the puffy eyes that she was not a happy camper)

Madalyn's belly button wasn't looking so swell... her umbilical cord had fallen off earlier in the week and we'd asked about the remaining blood when we took her to her two week weigh in. They said it looked fine... but then Saturday it started oozing. I called the after hours number and they called back telling me I should take her into a clinic rather than wait until Monday... so we did.

They struggled to get her temperature... it took three tries... with her WAILING the entire time... and then they pulled up a temp by pressing the recall button but it had never shown up on the screen. Let's just say that I was not impressed by their competence. They looked at the belly button and didn't seem terribly concerned but because the temp they pulled up read 101.5 they sent us straight to the ER.

At the admittance desk they promptly called her up as soon as I filled out the paper work and took her temp again... 99.5- and no wailing. I thought since they got a temp in the acceptable range they'd check out her belly button and send us home. Nope- they said since a high temp had been reported they had to do the full gammit of tests- urine samples, blood samples, a spinal tap... and also start her on antibiotics.

I didn't want her to have to go through all that... especially since I really think the temp from the clinic was inaccurate... and yet after losing Levi I can't even think about not checking every possibility. She seems like the picture of health- she's gaining weight, spends about the average amount of time waking vs sleeping, she seems content as long as she's full and being held, no major problems... but then babies can't tell us everything.

I cried while they stuck the IV into her tiny hand to draw blood. She cried louder but my heart was breaking in a way it's never broken before. I wanted to tell her why her mom was letting her endure this pain... I wanted them to poke me instead... but of course I had to just listen to her cries of agony.

I have mixed feelings- they've taken her temp every four hours... and every four hours it's been in the normal range... so I'm frustrated with the incompetency of the clinic doctors... and yet I'm glad for their lack of ability to take a tiny baby's temperature.

We haven't gotten the full work up from the spinal tap- but some of the early results are showing an elevated level of white blood cells leading the doctors to believe she does have an infection. They don't believe it's as serious as meningitis (which is the main reason for preforming a spinal tap) but an infection in a baby this young is something they take seriously. They'd already started her on antibiotics so hopefully those will take care of it quickly and we'll soon be on our way home... but this wasn't the news I was hoping for. Until they told us these early findings, I truly believed they'd tell us everything came back clear and normal (because they haven't seemed to stress over the oozing belly button anyway).

I knew this Mother's day was going to be bittersweet... I just wasn't expecting this.

Last night after writing this I just watched her laying in the hospital crib and cried- praying that God will let her life glorify Him- not her death. As I write that now I realize that's probably not a normal prayer that new parents pray... but then most mothers don't have to wait until their third mother's day to feel there's a reason to smile on the second Sunday of May. Anyway- this morning I feel like God heard and answered my prayer- the doctor came in and said that up to this point the cultures are all coming back clean so... unless there's a change in anything she'll be discharged tomorrow.

Gardens

2010-05-09T20:40:00.003-04:00

I've found so much healing spending time in Levi's memorial garden... it didn't hit me until much later that I'd brought his garden into Madalyn's room.

I'm still not finished, but it made me love her room even more when I realized that the place that has helped me find a smile again is so much a part of her room too. (I'm much further than the pictures show... I just don't have the photos to prove it- lol- I'll post pics when I am done though)