Life After The Death of My Husband

BITTERSWEET

2011-10-16T17:40:00.000-04:00

It's been a rough weekend. It started Friday night when I got my mail. There was a letter from Gift of Life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to open it or not. So as I sat in my driveway, I took a deep breath and opened the letter. They had enclosed a letter from a person who had received Brad's gift. And as I sat in the car reading this person letters, crying like a baby, I was once more back to that horrible day that I lost him. I don't know how long I sat in the car crying. But I finally got myself into the house and called my girls. They where both so happy to hear about this person and had trouble understanding why I was so upset. I posted it on face book and called a friend. They where all so happy for me, but I wasn't. But two got how I was feeling, my cousin and my wonderful sister. They both understood that I was reliving the nightmare all over again. Don't miss understand me. I'm so happy for this person. I'm happy that Brad was able to make his life so very much better, that he lives on. But my scar was ripped open and I have to deal with the pain as if it just happened again.

The girls want to answer the letter. I need a few days to regroup. Then we will sit down and send him a reply.

Brad made a miracle happen, but it hurts so damn bad.

I'M NOT WHAT I SEEM TO BE

2011-10-13T14:45:00.000-04:00

I'm in a funk. I have been very busy and I have let my house go. I keep thinking that if I could have some time just to stay at home, I could get caught up. But I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like to be at the house. When I'm there I just sit and watch TV or read. It just doesn't seem like home any more, not when I'm all by myself. So I guess that is why I have let it go. Now I hate to be there because it's so depressing. So I have been doing some self analyzing. And this is what I have come up with.

When I'm away from the house I can pretend everything is alright, that I'm alright. I'm doing just great. I have picked myself up and carried on. BUT when I'm home, I can't pretend any more. So I think I'm still depressed over the changes in my life. But I can cover it up when I'm not at home. So I have painted myself into a corner, sort of speaking. I know the kids don't like to come over anymore. They haven't since Brad died. But it's getting worse. My oldest hasn't been over since last Christmas and my youngest not since April. So I guess that is another reason I have let the place go. But if I was being honest, I have lost interest in it. There is no one there to appreciate it, so why bother.

But it does bother me. I don't like living like this and Brad would be so upset with what I have done. Not just with the house but with myself as well. Some times at night I almost wish it was over, but again, as much as I miss my husband, I'm not ready to leave. So now I have to find the inter strength to try and fix it. I'm just not sure where to start or what to do. I know it will take some time. Hopeful not forever. So I took a 1/2 day off yesterday and got started. Didn't get as much done as I would have liked, but it's a start. And what I did get done made me feel better. So I have got a little start on the house, now I have to start doing something for me. If I keep going as I am, I'm not going to have much of a life. So it's time to make some changes.

So little sister, don't worry and don't rush right up. I need to work this through for me, by myself. I can't keep expecting everyone to help me fix it when I'm not ready to keep it done up. So if I do the work hopefully I can make myself and Brad proud of me, once again.

Then maybe after the 1st of the year I will try and move back into my bedroom again.

CATCH UP

2011-10-12T16:57:00.000-04:00

I know it's been awhile but you have know idea what it's been like. Both of my son in laws have been busy and gone due to work. So I have been working and helping the girls. The boys are back, but I still don't have alot of time.. Or so it seems.

Went to my 40th class reunion. It was so fun to see everyone and play catch up after 40 yrs. I have kept in touch with a couple of the girls, but to see everyone was great.

At work we just finished the 2cd barn sale of the year. It was a very big hit. I don't know how Lisa does it. She works at it for 6 month, have the sale. Then she cleans out the rest and starts over. Talk about a job.

And all of my grand children are in school this year. Even my 3 year old is going to pre school. Where has the time gone.

Well fall is in the air, and winter is coming. Maybe I will have more time then.

I'M AWESOME-SO SAYS MY GRAND DAUGHTER

2011-08-11T14:17:00.000-04:00

Two weeks ago my oldest grand daughter and I started taking cake decorating classes. (I know that everyone that knows me, already knows I have done many, many cakes. For weddings, graduations and even for one of our local GM plants. So I know a little about cake decorating.) When we where in Florida this spring visiting her other grand parents. And Madysen was looking at Granny's cake decorating books.(Granny has been taking classes in FL.) Madysen really wanted to learn how so I told her I would take some classes with her. So finally after many months of waiting, we found a class that worked with both of our schedules. So the first night we just practiced the basics, but the second night we got to do our first class. Her is a picture of her first cake. She did a great job and I so pround of her. I so enjoy spending time with her.

So on the way home after class we where talking about the next class and the fair that was coming up. Also that she wanted to bake her brothers cake for his birthday this Friday. When she looked at me and said "you are awesome" . I can't begin to tell you what that did to me. God, I'm so lucky. And she is pretty AWESOME herself.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE

2011-07-26T09:36:00.000-04:00

July 23, 2011 is my oldest daughters birthday. I won't tell anyone how old she is, that will be our little secret. She keeps amazing me on how she keeps up with 3 kids. So why her husband and oldest son was out camping with the boy scouts, we (as all of the family) went out to dinner then to a drive in movie. It was a very relaxful evening filled with love. Happy Birthday Sweetie.
I Love You, Mom

JULY 20, 2011 MORGHANS IS 6

2011-07-25T16:27:00.001-04:00

It's hard to believe that this little bundle of joy has turned into this wonderful little girl. And what an imagination. Here are few examples of some conversations with her mother.

" My little girl told me today all she wanted for her birthday is just to spend time with her family.... At 6 years old she is so wise to what really matters in life :) and then she asked if i could take her to Disney world today ahh to be 6 again. July 14 at 11:43am"

and

"• "Morghan what do you want for you birthday?"-Me "A Pool"-Mo "like a blow up pool we had last year?"-Me

"No like the one at a hotel! With a slide ooo and a real dolphin like flipper... and some starfish- real ones like on nemo and a sea turtle with a purple shell!" -Mo "Anything else" -Me "Nope I think that covers it"-Mo
July 6 at 4:09pm • "

and then today
"Mo did you clean your room"?-me "No"-mo "Why?"-me

"Because its just going to get messy again...Whats the point?"-mo

OH yes what a girl. Happy Birthday

TODAY IS A HAPPY DAY

2011-07-08T13:03:00.001-04:00

4th OF JULY

2011-07-05T10:35:00.000-04:00

After working 6 days a week again, I was looking forward to a 3 day weekend. Getting some chores done, relaxing and maybe a cook out with the kids. WRONG!!!!!
I ended up being called into work on Saturday, cleaned house on Sunday and today I did get to watch my grand kids. That was a fun time.

But the only think I kept thinking about is the big 4th of July parties that Brad & I use to have. The grill going, good food and lots of family and friends to share with. Then off to the fireworks. Spread out the blankets, snack on leftovers, lay back and watch the show. But those days are over and not to return. The kids are busy with their own life's and traditions die. So I worked and then came home and did chores. I did get to watch the grand kids but no cook out, no celebration, no family. Just a lot of memories of the past and the loneliness has come back, once again.

SPRING WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

2011-04-17T16:13:00.000-04:00

It's the middle of April and last Sunday it was sunny and 81, and today it's windy & snowing to beat the band. My Trillium are coming up along with my Dutchmen Britches & Virgina Blue Bells. So, what is the meaning of this white stuff?
The poor Robins, Red Wing Black Bird & Killdeer are at a total lost. Even the little Blue Bird looked confused. So please Mother Nature let Spring come back.
SO I CAN TURN OFF MY FURNACE, AGAIN!

SO STOP YELLING

2011-04-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

My sister has been yelling at me because I haven't updated my blog lately. So stop yelling, I have up dated it so now you can be happy. Love ya

2011-01-16T17:40:00.000-05:00

If ever there was a day that you could choose to join your loved one....Today would be mine. But since you can't make that choice, you just have to sit here and make do. But someday.

OK ENOUGH OF 2011 ALREADY

2011-01-11T11:21:00.000-05:00

I was really looking forward to a new year. It had to better, I don't think any one can go thought another year like 2010. No jobs, no money just so very sad. So I spend the 1st day of the New Year with my very special sister. We had so much fun I hated to leave. We have to make a point of spending more time together this year. Well I should have stayed at her house.....forever!

We knew that my dear friend and co-worker's husband had kidney cancer and had to have surgery on 1/4/11. So here is a quick summary on the first week of 2011.

Said husband comes though surgery only to have good kidney shut down. It was touch and go for the whole week. He is doing better and hopefully will come home this week. Oh, she just got a phone call from him and now he has a collapse lung.

Another dear friends brother in law has a brain tumor and has been given less then 2 months to live. It's a free for all and the fighting has already started between the kids.

My oldest daughter has been having some health questions so they ran a lot of different test before the holidays. She got a phone call that she needs to come and go over the results because something came back. What and how bad is yet to be seen.

My part time Saturday girl, daughter is in liver failure and has been given less the 6 month to live and she has found out that she needs surgery and will be seeing the surgeon in Feb.

And yes the boss still had stage 4 cancer.

I'm seriously thinking about hanging a sign up saying "see you next year" !

ON MY WAY TO WORK

2010-12-28T13:47:00.000-05:00

I have been very tired from all of the holidays so I really hope that explains what happened today. I was on my way to work when this song by Miley Cyrus "It's the climb" came on the radio. It's been around for a couple of years, and about 1/2 way though it was just started crying. I got thinking about all the things that we had done and all the things that we didn't get to do. It's just not right. Life sure does suck at times.

CHRISTMAS ON 2010

2010-12-28T13:39:00.000-05:00

Well the house was some what decorated, the food was ready, the gifts bought and wrapped. I guess I was as ready as I was going to be. So on Christmas Eve afternoon the kids and grand kids all showed up. I have to admit it was fun. I always enjoy it when the whole family comes together. I think everyone liked what they got. I know Richie had his nose buried in his Nintendo ds playing his new game. I gave Bradley a machine gun nerf gun. Sorry to say that he let his dad and uncle use it. Never I repeat NEVER stand with your back to your son in laws. I will get even that I promise.

Christmas day I first went to Amanda's house and had a nice visit. Played with the kids and then I went down to Stephanie's place. Her in-laws came in from Florida and surprised them. So we had a nice visit. It was so good to see them. But I knew they where coming, it was so much fun. Christmas is the time for secrets and surprises. Now we look forward to the New Year. Pictures will fellow.

39th Wedding Anniversary

2010-12-19T21:23:00.000-05:00

This past Friday Dec. 17, would have been our 39th wedding anniversary. I can't believe it. If you add in the year we dated, that would make it 40 years. So I had 2 melt downs, 1 on Thursday night and the other when I woke up Friday morning. After that I was OK. I remember the dating, the planning. We where going to get married in March. The last weekend of the month. Had all the reservations, invitations ordered, cake, etc. But then my Mom & Step Dad got transferred to North Carolina so all the plans changed. And I think that was a blessing. Instead of 200 - 300 people, it was just close friends and family. I can say we sure did enjoy ourselves. I was small but just right. I gave a lot of thought to our honeymoon, and the beginning of our new life. And oh what a life it was.

But at work, my dear friend came in first thing in the morning, and gave me a gift. I was a nerf gun, and I started laughing. I had been wanting a small one for the office. So the games began. The first one that got it was the boss. He took it away from me and started firing back. Then Linda got fired on. But the best on was Ron, (our maintenance man) he jumped about a 1' when I shot at him. It's hard to be sad when you are laughing so hard. I had decided to take a 1/2 day off of work. And just before I left I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The card said "we love you". So I thank the girls in the office, and got blanks looks. Next I asked my boss if he had done it. Nope. So it took a while but I found out it was my daughter. She was so thoughtful.

I still miss him still so very much, but I'm remembering the good times more.

Enough

2010-12-14T10:38:00.000-05:00

I mentioned in my last post about the snow storm we started getting on Sunday. Well today is Tuesday and we are in the 2cd or 3rd day of below zero wind chills. So the roads are like an ice rink. They plowed them but couldn't salt because of the wind and cold. Would have been better if they left the snow on the roads, but what do I know. All I do know is that 1 - 1 1/2 hrs to work and then home again, (it's about a 25 mile drive) is getting very old. I like the snow, but not so much the wind. Either does my dog, he will be 14 in Jan. I took him out yesterday while I was cleaning off the car. I left the garage door open in case he wanted to get in out of the wind. I turned around to head back in, and there on the threshold he had done his duty. I guess he figured it was to cold outside to do that. My feelings exactly. Well at least the sun is shining today.

2010-12-13T15:13:00.000-05:00

It's been over a month since I have written, so I will try and get caught up. Thanksgiving was wonderful. My youngest daughter, Amanda, had her 1st Thanksgiving dinner for all of us. And I have to say that everything was delicious and perfect. I love Thanksgiving and just being with family. We had lots of laughs and played games. It was the best.

Now I have been getting ready for Christmas. And I have to be honest, I wasn't in the Christmas spirit. I did go out and do some shopping the day after Thanksgiving. But I didn't get much. I really didn't care if it even came, it just seemed like to much effort. Well about a week ago I was with my kids, getting some stuff out of my storage unit and I picked up some Christmas stuff. In it was the little Christmas tree that I got for my dad when we spent the last Christmas at his house. So when I got home I decided to put that up. Boy, I can't get over how much that little tree help my mood. It started to make me get more into the Christmas spirit. (even when Kennedy keeps knocking it on to the floor.) I wish I had the energy and time to decorate like I use to when my kids where little. My grand kids have never seen it when I use to put a tree up in every room and all of the other decorations. But I'm getting there.

I heard that we where going to get this snow storm on Sunday then turning bone chilling cold. So Saturday morning I got up early and took off to get my Christmas shopping done. I'm happy to say that I did get it all done and got all my grocery bought. Came home unloaded the car and then backed it in so I had a straight shot out on Monday. Happy to say the weather man was right for a change. We ended up with about 6inch of white stuff. The bad part is we had rain first so we had ice under the snow. Sunday I stayed in and did the usual which was cleaning and laundry. I also moved my living room furniture around and changed my bedding. Then I headed to the basement. I'm not sure if you know, but I really need to have my knees replaced, but I have to wait for that, so the stairs are painful to do. Well 3 trips up and down, dragging the Christmas tree, I got it all upstairs, by myself. ( a very proud moment, if I might add). I took a break and popped some cookies into the oven, fixed my dinner and sat down to relax. After dinner I thought well maybe I could put up part of tree. Well I'm happy to announce that the tree is up and the lights are on it. Tonight I will decorate it and maybe put some other things up. Then I have to wrap everything and finish baking. But I'm getting there. And with the snow that we got I have to say, It's beginning to look a like Christmas.

NOV. 11, 2010

2010-11-11T11:44:00.000-05:00

I started thinking about this day and about this blog and what I would write for the last few days. And as I sit here, my mind keeps going back to that day 3 yrs. ago. I know it's been 3 years but in some ways it seems like it just happened. I have been wondering what I would have done differently if I had know what was waiting for us.

I had a very bad cold and Brad was taking care of me. He had made 2 trips to the market to get things that would make me feel better. I remember sitting in the lazy boy and watching him out in the yard. He was out looking for his wedding band that he had lost the week before. When he came in he asked if it would be alright if he made the soup on Sunday because he wasn't feeling well. We both thought that he might be coming down with my cold. So we went to bed not knowing that would be the last time. So if we had known we would have held each other more, talked more and spent time with the kids and not wasted the night sleeping. But no we just went to bed not knowing.

The first few hours are so vivid the rest is a blur. So we went to bed and I was awaken by Brad telling me that he had a the worst pain in his head that he had ever felt. I got up and gave him some pain meds and went downstairs to let the dogs out. Still not knowing that in the next 30 mins my life would come to a screeching haul. So is there anything I could have done differently, probley not. So I try not to live with the what ifs, but it's so hard not to. It's so hard to to remember that the last day and night with each other was spent so ordinary.

I can tell you that for the most part I am healing. I don't cry every day or multiple times a day. I laugh more and I'm sleeping better. But I'm still not where I should be or want to be. And I'm facing the fact I most likely never will be. But I have found out that I will survive. And that I will always love him and miss him. He was my life and my life is not or will ever be the same. So today marks 3 yrs since Brad has past away. 3 very short and very long years. He will be remembered forever and never forgotten. He is still my life.

I'M HAPPY

2010-10-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

3 yrs. are approaching fast. This past Sunday I was getting ready to do dishes, and it hit me, I'm happy. I have finally gotten to the point that I'm OK. Oh, don't get me wrong. I miss Brad like crazy, I'm not happy with my house, I have way to much to do and I will probley never get caught up. But, I'm happy.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. But losing Brad put a damper on it, but not this year. I'm even thinking that I might crave a pumpkin or two. Now where did I put that witch?

Yup, I'm HAPPY.

FAMILY

2010-09-28T12:24:00.000-04:00

This past Friday Chrissy my niece from TN along with her parents came up for lunch and shopping. My girls got to come also so we had a great time. My girls have not seen Christan and Kaity for over a year. So we had a lot of catching up to do. We also spent a couple of hrs. shopping at our barn sale. This is one of the reasons they came up, besides the wonderful company they had.

Twice a year, in the spring and fall, the place where I work has a hugh barn sale. It's stuff that people left or lost, it's like a giant garage sale and you never know what you might find. WELL she found it all right. She was having so much fun. At one point she told her mom (my sister) that they might have to rent a trailer to get everything home. As it turned out we filled my van and I was taking it as far as my sisters house. She was so funny. They left and about 30 min. pasted and I got a phone call. She forgot something, a black trunk, and could I bring that now. You really wouldn't believe this barn, it's I would guess about 40' + x 200' + filled with stuff. Like I said we had fun.

So on Saturday morning bright and early I took off. When I got to my sisters place I noticed a couple of garage sales. So my sister and I took off. Bought a couple of things and headed home. Chrissy came in we told her about the sales, so off I went with her. She bought 1 lamp, got home and she said I should have gotten the other one to match. So while she put Kaity bug down my sister & I went back to the sale. The ladies running it had a pine library table for 75.00. Christan fell in love with it but decided that it was just to pricey for her at that time. Well when we went back for the lamp they said they would take 50.00. So we call Chrissy and asked her if she wanted. She countered 40.00 and it was no go. So home we went again. (I hope you are keeping count on how many trips I have made so far) When we go back we where talking about the table and my sister just mentioned that it was from Pottery Barn. I swear her eyes just about popped out of her head. She said you didn't tell me that!!!!!!! We asked if that made a difference and YES it did. And yes she would pay 50.00 for it, sooooooo back we go again. At this point the ladies running the sale just started laughing and said that they should adopt us. Got the table and went back home and all is well (and the count is at 4). Other then it will probley take 2-3 trips to TN to get everything down to her. I think I hear road trip coming up. It was a very good weekend with lots of laughter. Family is the best!!!!!

SORRY

2010-09-28T09:38:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry that I haven't posted this past month. I had to get past Brads Birthday, the anniversary of my dad's death and my bosses failed attempt at surgery to remove his cancer. So it's been a long month and a very depressing month. But I have come though it and I'm feeling better. Actually Brad's birthday wasn't to bad this year. I missed him and had a sad time in the evening, but the day wasn't all that bad, same with my dad. So I guess I'm coming to terms with everything. I find that I'm not crying as much and smiling more.

As to my boss, when they went in to do surgery they found that the cancer has spread more that they had hoped for. So for now they are doing chemo and in hopes that it will shrink the tumors enough so that they MIGHT be able to remove them. Needless to say we are all keeping him in our prayers.

ANNIE

2010-08-26T21:05:00.000-04:00

Annie was my daughters cat that she found when she was in third grade. Doc figured at the time she was 2-3 yrs old. She was a long hair tortie, she was beautiful. Annie has lived with us for 16 yrs, so that would make her 18 yrs old. Last night she left me to go and live with my husband. I knew yesterday that she was leaving us. All she did was sleep and she wouldn't even get up to eat. The strange thing is most of the other cats kind of just disappeared. It's like they new something was going on. Only 2 came down and ate dinner and this morning I could not find a single one of them. I know they are also feeling the lose and will have to make their adjustments of having her gone. Annie was one of a kind, most defiantly a princess, at least she thought so. She ruled the house that is for sure. She was greatly loved and is greatly missed. But I have to believe that she is now forever young and she is with her baby dog. Baby our Shepard mix use to chew on Annie, all the time. Annie just loved it, and it would drive us crazy. One day when I had taken Annie to the vet, he could not figure out why all the hair around her neck was short when the rest was long. I had to tell him that Baby loved chewing on her. All he said as he shook his head was oooohhh.

I love you Annie

Happy Birthday Mason

2010-08-20T11:37:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Aug.19, my grandson Mason turned 8 yrs. old. (I kept telling him he was only 5. He would roll his eyes and say GrandMA you know I'm 8.) Yes, I know, I just don't want to admit it. We went out to a pizza place had dinner and the kids all played video games. It was a great evening and he got a lot of great gifts. What I enjoyed most was just watching the kids interact with each other. They range from 11 years old to 2 yrs. And all of the older kids take care of the little ones. It makes my heart melt to watch them. They are so lucky to be this close to each other.

Well back to Mason my wonder boy. He is so into baseball and he is so goooood at it. So he got a lot of baseballs and bats, etc. He had asked for a bucket of baseball. I couldn't find a bucket of them, but I found a bag of them. That gave him a dozen new ones to go with the dozen or more he already has of them. Crazy kid.

His mother, my oldest, keeps wondering where all the time has gone and what has happened to her baby boy. (I have been wondering about that with my own kids.)

ANOTHER FIRST

2010-08-11T20:15:00.000-04:00

I did it!!!!!!!!! I know it doesn't sound like much and I don't know why it bothered me so much...But tonight I went to a restaurant and had dinner, BY MYSELF. That is the one thing that I just couldn't bring myself to do. I don't know why, I have gone out and ate by myself during my lunch break, I have gone to the movies by myself, and I have traveled again by myself. But I just couldn't bring myself to go in and sit down and eat by myself. But tonight I did it. I just didn't want fast food and I didn't feel like bring in take out...so I did it. And it wasn't too bad. Yes I was the only single in there tonight, but my server was very pleasant and I also took in a new book to start.

So I have survived another first.

I Hate Cars

2010-08-04T13:18:00.003-04:00

I hate cars. Don't get me wrong I love my car, but why can't it be patient when it needs something. Like if I see something that I need or want, I budget for it and plan, save my money and go get it. BUT no, not the car. I noticed that the tires are starting to wear and I had a slow leak in one. Ok, so new tires on the list. I know that I will need them this fall, as like in 1-2 months. So I commence to saving and planning. The slow leak isn't to bad, I just need to add air about once a week. So Monday I get up, get ready for work, go and get into the car and take off. As I pull out of the drive way something is differently wrong, so I pull back in. Said tire isn't low, it's flat. Great, ok so tires are moving up, but I have a couple of bills that I have to pay first. So I fill up the tire and think to myself hold on for 10 days and then the tires. Go to work. Get off work and tire is FLAT again, ok this is getting old. I go back to the barn fill up tire and go home. Next morning, you got it, flat again. Go though the same routine, go to work, co-worker comes in an hour later and tells me that I have a flat. Now this is getting really old. So I guess I will but a tire today and the rest in a couple of weeks. Linda (co-worker) has a friend who has a tire shop. They will bring out the tire and change it for me in the parking lot. Great and it will only be 60.00 for all of it. So I call them and they said yes and what time was I off work. I told them 5 and they would be out before then.
So as I sit there at 5 after 5 I call them and I'm told they are not coming because they made 2 different bolt patterns for my car so I would have to bring it to them.(a phone call would have been nice!) I'm told to put the donut on and bring it in, oh and they are closing in 45 mins. So thanks to my very good friend and family, we put the car in the barn, got a lift home and back to work today. And now my car is having 4 new tires put on it. I HATE CARS.