Dreamcatcher

A new year, a new word.

2013-01-20T00:54:00.002-05:00

I'm not a fan of resolutions, so for the past few years, I've been picking a word to guide my actions throughout the year. This year, I thought that word might be focus, reminding me to keep focused on my dream, amidst the many distractions that life brings. But as I was thinking about this blog, and thinking about my career and what direction I would like to take it, the word dreamcatcher keeps coming to mind. The dream catcher has another meaning in the Lakota tradition. It's not to catch the bad dreams, it's to catch the good dreams, visions, ideas that you have and filter out the ones that don't serve you.

Here's the part of the story that connects with me the most:

All the while the spider spoke, he continued to weave his web starting from the outside and working toward the center.

When Iktomi finished speaking, he gave the Lakota elder the web and said..."See, the web is a perfect circle but there is a hole in the center of the circle."

He said, "Use the web to help yourself and your people to reach your goals and make good use of your people's ideas, dreams and visions.

"If you believe in the great spirit, the web will catch your good ideas -- and the bad ones will go through the hole."

The Lakota elder passed on his vision to his people and now the Sioux Indians use the dream catcher as the web of their life.

It is hung above their beds or in their home to sift their dreams and visions.

The good in their dreams are captured in the web of life and carried with them...but the evil in their dreams escapes through the hole in the center of the web and are no longer a part of them.

They believe that the dream catcher holds the destiny of their lives.

There's a part of me that feels the essence of what the dream catcher is. I'm striving to catch the dreams that are the most important to me, the ones that drive me, make me who I am, and have shaped my life for as long as I can remember. I'm trying to catch what I feel is my destiny. Let the other stuff fall through the web, I don't need it.

When I am expressing a story through song, whether or not the story is mine, I know that what I am doing touches other people in a way that's needed in this world. In music, whether through an instrument or your voice, there is a deep connect with your spirit and it can touch you in a way that nothing else can.

This is the business that I have chosen. It's unforgiving and you put your vulnerability out on the line to be judged by others day in and day out. In spite of it all, this is where I feel my gifts can be put to use with the greatest impact. I don't want to be a dream chaser. That implies that I'll always be a few steps away from my dreams. I want to catch them. I want to carry them with me to keep me focused. I want to live them. So here's to a new year, with a new focus on being more in tune with my inner dream catcher, allowing the great Creator of the universe to guide me closer to living my dream.

Rave On.

2012-02-07T16:31:00.000-05:00

taking a leap of faith as Maria Elena

Updates, updates, updates. Buddy Holly has come and gone, and put me into a whole new frame of mind. It truly was an amazing experience for me. I had the same type of feelings that I had before leaving for Superstar that very first year. I had no expectations of what would be coming my way and was open to everything. I was in uncharted territory in every sense of the word. I don't think I've ever been pushed or challenged so much to change my perceptions and face notions that I had about myself at any other time in my life. To come to the realization that I'm only human at the end of the day, and that sometimes I need to take time for myself, and if I neglect that, I will lose myself and my way. To see that although things don't always pan out how I want them to, there are lessons to be learned from every turning point. To understand that in order to move forward and grow, risks are absolutely necessary. To realize that I should never take for granted the love that I have in my corner always. To try to remember to carry thanks in my heart, because everything is a blessing.

signing my Equity Contract!

It was just amazing to be away from the city and to be in a normal town, able to drive, and able to have so much fun everyday both in the creative process and out of it with my cast mates! I was rejuvenated to the fullest extent. I was able to do all the things that I had been telling myself I was going to do, but just wasn't able to start. Working out, eating healthy, having fun, not worrying about money. And I got my Equity card. I feel like I'm stepping into a door that had been closed to me and now I've been let in. It was rough to come home, back to Astoria and my 'normal' life, but I realized this time is different, because now I'm no longer substituting, so I have the opportunity to build my life around wanting to audition, take classes, maintain my fitness and just be in the city!

My new lady friends. We work out!

I made some new girl friends that I really have come to love, and I feel like they are my big sisters, and women I can look up to at the same time because they have accomplished things in their careers that I want for my own. I feel like things are possible for me now, I just have to take the action and do. T helped me find a hostessing gig that I've been at since December, and E helped me to start catering more. My money situation still isn't quite where I want it to be, but I refuse to let that get me down. I know things are finally changing for the better. I am on the lookout for more job opportunities here in the city, but I have these things in the meantime to keep the money coming in. I signed up for a 6 week dance workshop as a gift to myself for the new year, and today is the 5th week. It's 2 hours once a week, and it's been worth it, and I look forward to continuing on with dance classes when the workshop is finished. I feel like I am getting better at picking up choreography which is what I really wanted to do, while refreshing my body in technique and vocabulary that I hadn't thought about since my highschool/college days. Next on the list: voice lessons. A must. The desire that I have in my body to sing and get my voice back into 'shape' is tremendous. Always on my mind. That's one goal for this month, at the very least set up a voice lesson for March. On the horizon in March: a commercial print class. It has to happen! I think about it everyday as something I could do to make more money and supplement the lifestyle I see myself living at this moment. I need to trust my intuitions more, and I'm allowing myself to do just that- listen in and see what's calling out to me.

Here's a little of what I did @ the Flatrock Playhouse:

Words to live by.

2012-01-07T14:49:00.001-05:00

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.”

- Henry Miller

Quote for the Week.

2011-08-20T12:01:00.002-04:00

Monday Quote on Tuesday. (oops!)

2011-08-02T08:59:00.000-04:00

This pretty much describes the last 8 days of my life. I am a hostess/busgirl/waitress at Bar30 in Rockefeller Center, and I've been working for my money! 12 hour shifts every day until yesterday when I felt like I hit a wall and was in pain and burnt out. So when I found out they were over staffed, I volunteered myself to get cut. Today I have a day off, and I have things to do, but my feet are hurting so bad I don't know what I'll actually accomplish today. I need to stay off of my tootsies. But I need to go out and buy comfortable sneakers so I don't have to feel like my feet are bleeding anymore when I'm working. Now that I have cash flowing in my life, I can go buy shoes and other things I need! I'm going to work as much as possible, because really, with the money I'm making, it's definitely worth it! Stop by!

Monday Quote and Operation 27.

2011-07-25T21:25:00.002-04:00

Operation 27 has begun. What might that be, you ask? I'm going to turn 27 in 5 weeks. I feel that this year will be an important one in my life. I want to be accountable for following through on all of the dreams I have, big and small.

accountability:

the answering for one's actions and accepting the consequences.

Being accountable doesn't mean that I must achieve EVERY SINGLE dream that I have, it just means that I am counting on myself to spend way more of my time trying to achieve whichever ones I can, in the hopes that I'll build a foundation for successes over the next few years. And I am putting the power to fulfill my dreams and create my life in my own hands, rather than rely on everything and everyone around me.

The most obvious being professionally. Singing for a living. In whatever capacity I can- it can be on Broadway, regional theaters, or in cabarets, variety shows, clubs...whatever. 26 was the first year in my entire recollection of my life that I did not sing as much. And that is devastating to me, because singing is what drives my spirit. And this past year, it just kind of fell away. Because I wasn't touring, or in school rehearsing, practicing, perfecting, and so the opportunities were few, and I didn't really go looking for them. I will look for them. What else? I want to be in commercials! I've been thinking about this for years now, yet after graduating college and having all of the commercial agencies in NYC at my fingertips (dangit!), I didn't do anything. I didn't follow through, and at that time, I really was too young and inexperienced to know what the heck I was doing. Well, times are different now, and I do know what I'm doing, and I know at least a few ways to dip my toes into the commercial waters.

This is the year that I will devote more attention and time to changing my unhealthy habits, mainly in regards to my relationship with food. I can give myself credit on this one, I know that I have come a long way from that girl in college who put all of her self worth into how much control she had over eating, and how 'small' she appeared to be, not realizing that the smaller I made myself, the more power I took away from myself as a human being. I don't want to go down that road again, and I'm not saying I am, or will, I just want to be aware that I still tie my emotions into food, and it's not always in a healthy way. I can't punish myself for being unhappy through food. I want to have a healthy relationship with food, bottom line. I can see the light at the end of this tunnel, I'm just going to work harder at getting there.

This is also the year that I explore where my spirit has gone. It's there, but it's no longer necessarily attached to organized religion of one form or another. Most of my life, I've found that I had easy access to my spirituality- my connection with my higher energy, or power, or whatever it is. I feel like I've lost a little of that 'connectedness', and I would like to devote time to finding it.

I would like to get a better handle on my finances. And that doesn't mean I want to be rich and buy expensive things (except maybe for shoes :-p). I want to pay down my debt, and build a real savings, and not live paycheck to paycheck with constant worries about how I'll make it month to month. I will find the balance. Even if I have to read a hundred books on money management!!

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where it's time to level up; get a better understanding of who I am, where I stand in the world, and what I'm capable of. I'm feeling the call for growth and change, in a positive way. I feel like I've been through so much and have the strength to tackle things that I've been afraid of taking on. I have so much to look forward to in the coming year (my first Equity show!!), things I don't even know about yet, but know that they'll reveal themselves in time. I guess New Year's Resolutions never really do it for me, and if I can keep my dreams in focus this year, I think it will open many doors for me.

Monday Quote.

2011-07-18T10:08:00.020-04:00

I'm carrying this quote with me all through the week, so that when I'm lost in thoughts of the future, when I'll 'have this', and be able to 'do that', I can put myself right back into the present and focus. I'll try to find the joy and purpose in each moment. Although the last few weeks have not been easy, I believe with every part of me that everything happens for a reason, and I'm right where I need to be in my journey. I hope this quote speaks to you as well.

Monday Quote.

2011-07-11T11:30:00.002-04:00

This quote really hit a nerve with me. It's true! I have a true talent for bringing my moods down. And it happens because of the things that are constantly running through my head, which usually have little to do with what's actually happening around me. If I could literally tune in to a different frequency in my head, another channel, the "positive thoughts" channel, or maybe just the "white noise" channel, perhaps I could just learn to chill out and accept the things I have no control over. Or on the other side, realize that I do have control over some things, and that I need to go ahead and make some decisions or choices about them, and then let them go and move forward.

Monday Quote.

2011-06-27T08:24:00.003-04:00

Pride 2011.

2011-06-25T13:27:00.002-04:00

This will be my first time going to see the NYC Pride Parade since I've lived here, and I am very excited, given all of the historic things that have happened over the past year in our country and in my home state of New York. I guess I'm just happy for my friends- so many of them who are gay and in happy, healthy, loving relationships with their partners, and who have been some of the best friends I've had in my life. No matter what you think in terms of politics or religion, that's alright. I'm not here to fight with people over what is wrong or right. Everyone experiences their life from a different set of lenses, and goes through different experiences that lead them to their own set of morals, values, opinions and belief systems, and I can't be upset or argue or try to fight that. The only thing that upsets me is those people who turn to violence and hate in order to express their beliefs/views. The experiences in my life have led me to my own view, and I feel that everyone deserves the opportunity to be with the person that they love. Whatever I can do to support the right for a person, regardless of race, religion, political viewpoint or any other 'difference' that may come up, to be with the one they want to be with- I will do. Who am I to judge? Why is it any of my business anyway who you go home to at night? I just keep thinking that had I been born in the 1940s or 50s, it would have been illegal for me to marry or even date a white man, which is what I'm doing now. I would have been treated the same way as my friends and unable to follow my heart's desire. I can't help who I've fallen in love with. I'm blessed that today this is no longer an issue of legality (although I've felt my share of stares all around the country as E. and I have walked down the streets) and I can be with anyone I want to be with. So why would I try to prevent someone else from the same.

Love. Love one another as you would love yourself. Do unto others as you would yourself. That's really what it comes down to.


Empire State Building, NYC.

Alice Smith @ The Highline Ballroom.

2011-06-24T18:01:00.001-04:00

I had to post about this. E. got us tix to see Alice Smith, an amazing singer who has not gotten the mainstream attention she deserves. Her voice is RIDICULOUS, and she's just amazing. L. introduced me to her way back in 2007 when she dropped her first album and let's just say I played it out. She has yet to release a sophomore effort, but she went through issues with her record deal, and now is on a new label and hopefully will be releasing something this year. Last night was incredible. It's another one of those times where I'm watching someone and I KNOW that I could be doing what they're doing, and am then reminded of how badly I want that. And the fire keeps burning inside of me, and I'm keeping my dream alive. I'll leave you with a YouTube clip of her, and a pic from last night.


Alice Smith 6.23.11 Highline.

Quote for the week.

2011-06-20T21:05:00.002-04:00

Recharge.

2011-06-14T20:55:00.002-04:00

I've been home for the past week now and I am realizing that as much as I may say otherwise, I enjoy being home. It's become a place where I can go to recharge. To get rid of all the emotional/spiritual/physical junk that I've accumulated over the past few months. It's like detox! It's very quiet here, and I can spend a lot of time on my own, reading, writing, and figuring things out. Not to say that I can't do that in NYC- but c'mon! It's New York! The city that never sleeps. I think that when I'm back in Astoria I'm going to try to start doing the things I keep telling myself that I'm going to do, but never do, mainly because traveling back and forth to work has kind of sucked the soul out of me. But now that I'm in the last week of this job, I know that a mini vacation is right around the corner, which equals more free time. Another good thing- as of next Thursday, I plan to never return to substitute teaching in NJ. Done with that phase. Moving on. I have a summer job lined up, where I'll be making more money and generally having more fun, and then it's time to get ready for the BUDDY contract. A huge step and another huge challenge for me.

I've been reading a lot lately, and the thing that keeps popping out to me is that we are able to create the life we want. So many times we tell ourselves stories, without realizing that these stories are outdated. They are from our past and most of the time don't really reflect who we are right now, in the present moment. Maybe we tell ourselves these stories because they are comfortable, and who would we be without them? That's the scary part. But if you want to grow, to change, to mature and move forward, you have to be willing to embrace new stories about yourself. Especially if the stories that we're telling are negative. No longer are you that person who can't do this, will never do that. If you want to now, what's holding you back? You. I know that at the end of my time here on this earth, I want to know that I've taken the journey and lived as full of a life that I could, and that I pursued my dreams, and that I wasn't afraid to step out of my own idea of myself and discover new things.

Quote for the Week.

2011-06-14T19:08:00.000-04:00

The Future....

2011-06-09T21:30:00.002-04:00

I have booked my first EQUITY show!

More details to come as soon as I see my contract!

These are words that I wrote in this blog about one year ago...

I hope that a year from today, the negative behaviors that I've struggled with for years will finally be a thing that is in the past. I want to be in a place where I'm auditioning, hopefully I've booked the next job, and have settled comfortably in my new apartment with E. I hope that I will have gained a stronger connection to my spirit, and a confidence that has seemed to elude me for so long. I also want to incorporate some new things into my life: a regular yoga practice, more journaling, spending more time in nature, finding new hobbies, and taking more risks with my career.

Well, I can definitely say that I've taken steps towards all of these goals. Have I perfected and reached each and every one? No, but it's nice to be able to look back and remind myself of the things that I still want in my life, and to keep striving towards these things. I think what I'm learning is that everything takes time- Rome wasn't built in a day (to use a cheesy quote)- and it's true.

Quote for the week.

2011-06-07T11:24:00.000-04:00

Quote for the week.

2011-05-30T18:17:00.001-04:00

Back from the 'Spray....

2011-05-26T16:52:00.001-04:00


Our poster in the lobby of the theatre.

I guess I needed a moment to decompress from the extremely challenging process that was Hairspray at The Palace Theatre in Manchester, NH. The fastest rehearsal process EVER. Did I mention that I did Superstar for 4 years? Yes, everyone knows that by now, so just imagine me learning a brand new show for the first time in 4 years. And being chosen to be in an ensemble of professional dancers, of which I am not. Our director was a professional dancer and choreographer, and he gleaned some inspiration for the biggest number, "You Can't Stop The Beat" from the Australian version of So You Think You Can Dance. Look for it on YouTube and you'll see why this was a challenge!

I cried the first day of rehearsal because in my mind, I did not belong in this show. What a grueling process! I relearned the meaning of discipline and dedication because if I did not have these things, there was NO WAY that I was going to be able to keep up with the pace of the process and of the show in general. I was constantly practicing dance moves, asking for help, and luckily the cast was awesome and so many people stepped in to help me break down each and every move in all the dances so that I was able to get it. And I got it! By the time we opened, I was a dancing fool with the rest of em! I worked really hard, and I enjoyed every single minute of it, no matter if I was crying or laughing. It really stretched me as a performer, and taught me some lessons about what I need to be doing to make it in this business. I know that I can dance- I don't have 2 left feet- BUT- I need to be in dance classes, if only so that I can learn to pick up the choreography that is given to me quicker. And also to relearn some basic dance moves that I knew way back in high school when I was going to dance class 3 or 4 times a week. ATS was not kidding when she said that I needed to be taking dance classes, and voice lessons, and almost 10 years later, she is right. If I'm not performing, I still need to be practicing and learning and just growing as a performer! And doing Hairspray lit the fire beneath my butt. I finally can say that yes, there is life after tour! I don't know what's in store for me next, but I feel good. I feel happy that I was able to be in a new show, and I want to do more!

a set piece, the poster was later removed to reveal the real 'Dynamites' during "Welcome to the 60s"!

This clip is from a performance we had to do @ the mall in Manchester. I've never had to dance in public like this. It was really fun!

Quote for the Week.

2011-04-09T16:01:00.003-04:00

Love and Opportunity.

2011-04-09T15:54:00.002-04:00

Thanks to my friend and former Soul Sister, N.M., I am now apart of the cast of Hairspray playing at the Palace Theatre in Manchester, NH! I will be a Dynamite, which is essentially like being a Soul Sister in Superstar. I am extremely thankful for this new opportunity. I'm always amazed at how the Universe works. This is just what I needed! I am very nervous though, because it's been a long long while since I've had to learn a new show and I worry about whether I'll be able to keep up with the quick rehearsal process. So I am going to throw myself into it all and allow myself to learn and grow and do the best job that I can possibly do! What's great about this gig is that I'll be able to come back to the city after opening weekend, sub for a few days, then take the bus back up to Manchester, and it'll be like that for the run of the show, which is through May 14th.

Once the show's through, it'll be back to auditioning and substituting, with some other things thrown in that I am really looking forward to. Going to see a Phish concert with E. over Memorial Day weekend at Woodstock, heading to Florida for E's grandmother's 90th birthday bash, and hopefully the 3 day festival that Phish is putting on during the weekend before the 4th of July- lots of camping and great music and warm weather. Just what I have been yearning for!

And on top of all of that, April 15th is our 3 year anniversary! I'm sad that I'll be in rehearsals this year and won't be able to spend the day with E., but we planned to celebrate when he comes up to see Hairspray and visit, and also when we head to Woodstock for the concert. I feel so blessed that we are still as happy and in love with each other as we were 3 years ago. I am excited for what the future holds for us, and thankful for all of the everyday things we do together! Just being able to come home after a ridiculous day of substituting and see him makes it all better and worthwhile. I just feel really blessed that we found each other.


The Safehouse in Milwaukee, WI where we started dating in 2008

revisiting The Safehouse in 2010 on tour

On Hold.

2011-03-27T18:02:00.000-04:00

This is the state of my life right now. And honestly, there isn't much to be done about it. What I can do is try to get myself in order over the next 2 or 3 months and place myself in a better position financially. And once I am there (not talking about a million dollars here, but at least to make more than just enough for bills and food) then I will be able to invest in the things that I think will help me take my passion in life back into my career path. So, for now, I wait. I gather my resources until it's time to put them to work.

Quote for the Week.

2011-03-27T09:16:00.002-04:00

Visions for the Present.

2011-03-20T10:08:00.001-04:00

Running. I miss it terribly. Had to freeze my gym membership because it was too expensive. So running outside to the track at Astoria Park is my new thing. Once the weather decides to cooperate.

Weekly yoga practice, because I know it makes me feel calm and balanced, and hopefully I'll live with less anxiety.

Becoming a member of Actors' Equity aka booking another SHOW!


Singing the music I love with my own Band behind me.


Some new clothes...it's been more than a few years since I've been shopping for ME.

Time to pursue hobbies.

A vacation or two. Or a weekend away somewhere. I really miss traveling to different places.

Trying and trying to make all of these a reality. Trying a new game plan with money. It's called having a budget (Surprise! I hope you all can catch my sarcasm and silliness). Hopefully E and I can learn to budget better for the apartment so at least we will have a stash of cash for all things that concern us living in this space together. I know we can do it. The winter has been hard. Very hard. Work has been slow for E this winter, and now it's finally picking up, and that's a good thing. Spring is on the way. Another good thing. I have tentative plans to make things better for myself. Spending less and simplifying as many things as possible, but having enough for what I need in life right now. I posted on Facebook the other day about how, so close to a year of not touring, I am still feeling like THAT was my normal life, and all of this I have here, is not normal, or comfortable for me. I just haven't found my stride here, my routine here, any success here. Well that's not entirely true, the fact that I've been able to survive with the bare minimum of money available to me has been something, but it's no way to live. Everything has been trial and error for months. Discovering what works and what doesn't work. Little adjustments here and there. But sometimes it can be extremely overwhelming and depressing to think about how I am no where near where I want to be in terms of living my life. Still in that holding pattern. And am I somehow keeping myself here? I don't know the answer to that. I think about it though. All of the talk about how your thoughts, past and present, bring you to where you are this very moment. Gotta work on changing those thoughts. Throwing out the old scripts and starting fresh. Letting it go. The past, I mean. It's gone, and it's not fair to me that I should hold on to it and sabotage anything that could bloom here in the present.

I need a game changer. Or maybe I just need to stop waiting for that big 'thing' that will change everything and just become the change. I should be the change in my life. Waiting for something to come along and make everything better seems kind of stupid, because deep down I know that if I don't fight to change, nothing will happen for me. So let's see what I can do this week. I'll be back to talk about it soon enough.

Quote for the Week.

2011-03-20T00:35:00.001-04:00

Video of the Week. "Guilty!"

2011-03-20T00:24:00.001-04:00