Life & Times of a Self-Proclaimed Saucy Bitch

An Encore

2011-12-14T06:41:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone. Before announcing my little sabbatical from blogging, awhile back I had written a guest post for Renee Schuls-Jacobson over at Lessons From Teachers and Twits. It's up today and I hope you'll check it out.

Enjoy my little "encore" and happy holidays! :-)

Permanent Vacation?

2011-11-22T19:59:00.000-05:00

My blog and I have been avoiding one another. Why? Because I've been really reluctant to write this post. In the last couple of weeks it's become very clear to me that I just don't have time to blog anymore.

With working full time there's a lot that needs to be packed into the 48-hours that make up the weekend. And I'm finding that trying to fit family time, couple time and animal shelter time into those 48-hours doesn't really leave much writing time.

I can't bring myself to say that I'm giving up blogging, because I would very much like to return to this medium when I can work writing back into my schedule. So for that reason, I will NOT be shutting Life & Times down.

It's also for that reason that I will choose to say to all of my WONDERFUL readers, "See you later," instead of "Goodbye."

Make Me Laugh Monday

2011-11-07T06:33:00.000-05:00

We're baaaaack. I'm not going to be coy about fishing for captions for this week's photo. Let's just say that Rex found his own way to cope with last week's power outage:

The Best Laid Plans...

2011-10-31T13:34:00.000-04:00

So I was supposed to get back into the blogging groove this week, but Mother Nature had other plans. My family and I are among the thousands of people without power thanks to Saturday's freak ass snowstorm!

This annoying turn of events finds me both displaced and disgruntled. I'm camped out at my parents' house, A.K.A. Little House on the Prairie. My parents have no HBO, Showtime or Internet access. (I'm penning this impromptu bitch session while on lunch at work.)

It will probably be another one to two days before we get power back in my town. In summary - aaaagggghhhh!

Coffee Break

2011-10-23T21:15:00.000-04:00

Hey friends. I've got some extra family and professional responsibilities happening this week that are going to keep me away from blogland.

But not to worry, I'll be back next Monday with a very special, Halloween edition of Make Me Laugh Monday. Mmuwahahahaha!

Never Say Never

2011-10-20T06:46:00.000-04:00

Call me a rebel. Call me a rule-breaker. Call me…lazy? I decided to do a variation on the Mama Kat Writer’s Workshop prompt “Twenty Two Things I’ve Never Done” and make it a combination of five things I’ve never done coupled with five things I’ve never done YET.

I’ve never… (and I’m not going to!)

Been in Times Square on New Year’s Eve. – I love that city dearly, but you couldn’t pay me enough to participate in what is surely a mass exercise in public urination.
Bungee jumped. – I’m a worrier by nature and I expend a fair amount of energy taking steps that are meant to prolong my life, not potentially accelerate my demise.
Watched a horror movie. – I am a big, giant scaredy cat. Just the commercials for these flicks have me frantically reaching for a pillow to cover my eyes.
Pumped my own gas. – Say what you want, but I will gladly stay in my car during the cold, rain, and heat while someone else does this chore for me.
Been to a major league baseball game. – Baseball is American as apple pie blah, blah, blah. It’s also as boring as watching paint dry. No thanks.

So far, I’ve never…

Been to Europe. – I don’t think a twelve-hour layover in Germany counts. This is on the short list to be rectified. I’ve already decided that the Spring after my (closer than I would like to admit) 40^th birthday we are either going to France or Italy.
Gone camping. – I’ve always been skittish about this since I generally don’t like nature touching me unless it’s sand and because I consider any home that does not have air conditioning to be a cabin. However, I would like to try just an overnight trip in the cooler, fall months at some point.
Tried snowmobiling. – Years ago I had the chance to do this on a boondoggle of a business trip but I had to pass because I was just a few weeks pregnant with E. Since we don’t ski, I’ve always thought renting snowmobiles would be a fun, alternative way to enjoy the whole “alpine scene.”
Had plastic surgery. – If money was no object I would be under the knife for a little lipo faster than you can say “nip, tuck.” I will fight muffin top to the death!
Gotten rid of letters and cards I received from friends when I was in college. I am clingy and sentimental – apparently even with inanimate objects.

I find that I have a tendency to focus on and lament the things that I haven’t done yet. I think it’s because I’m generally of the mindset that you get one go around in this life, so you’d better make it count.

But, as I was going through the exercise of trying to come up with things for this list, I was pleasantly surprised to realize how many great experiences already fill my memory bank.

Top of the Seattle Space Needle? Check. Ballet at Lincoln Center? Check. Cruise to the Carribbean? Check.

So while there’s a lot more memories to be made, I’m feeling incredibly grateful right now for the ones I already have.

Really Real New Jersey: Checking Out the Chatsworth Cranberry Festival

2011-10-19T06:58:00.000-04:00

Last weekend my family and I did something we've never done before - we attended the annual Chatsworth Cranberry Festival.

That's one of the things that's been so fun about my Really Real New Jersey challenge - it's forced my family and I to get out of the house and do something DIFFERENT.

With my family's busy schedule, it can be so easy to fall into the routine of spending our weekends running the same old errands and just generally playing catch up. These events and activities have reminded us of how much fun it can be to try new things and explore new places.

Earlier this year when I was researching activities and read about the Chatsworth Cranberry Festival, I knew it would be something we would enjoy and I immediately put it on the calendar. Located in the heart of the Pine Barrens, this event celebrates the New Jersey cranberry harvest - the third largest in the United States!

And no doubt about it, this is a BIG event. Taking place over two days and taking over just about the entire town, the Chatsworth Cranberry Festival incorporates food, local crafts and music into its festivities.

We spent most of our time shopping in an area of the festival designated "Crafter's Corner" that featured seasonal and home decor items. (And no, we did not leave empty handed.)

At a cranberry festival you'd probably expect to see homemade cranberry sauce and baked goods for sale, right? But would you also expect to see cranberry wine?

We spent some "quality time" at the Valenzano Winery tent doing a tasting and ultimately decided on their holiday sangria called Santa's Little Helper, which is a yummy blend of cranberries, blueberries and grapes. We can't wait to break it out at Thanksgiving! (Or maybe before then...)

The festival had kid friendly activities as well; among them were pony rides and a trio of bouncy houses. E enjoyed an educational talk that was given by representatives of the Woodford Cedar Run Wildlife Refuge.

The Chatsworth Cranberry Festival was a great time. If you missed out on it this year, don't worry. The funny thing about annual events is, they tend to come back every year. ;-) See you next October!

"Mama Said..." Link Up - The Best Advice Mom Ever Gave You

2011-10-14T06:47:00.002-04:00

Today's the day! Link up your post featuring the best advice your mom ever gave you OR the one piece of advice you hope your kids take from you.

I like to keep things casual, so the only "rules" for linking up are:

1. If you're not already following me please do.
2. Visit two other blogs listed.

The linky will be open until midnight tonight. I'm really looking forward to reading every entry and checking out all of the little bits of wisdom that will be shared.

Thanks for participating!

P.S. I see that for some reason the Linky is showing up twice below. However, it is working so I'm going to just "go with it." If for any reason you try to to link up and it doesn't work, please leave a comment with a link to your post. And thanks for your patience since this is my first one. :-)

Blog Tip: Edit Your Photos with FREE Software

2011-10-11T06:50:00.000-04:00

From time to time I get compliments on the photos that I post on this blog. I’m an amateur in every sense of the word when it comes to photography, so the end product that you see here is the result of a nice Cannon camera that was a Christmas gift from B last year and a photo editing software I use called PhotoScape. (Well, those two things and a dash of luck!)

I know there are many who sing the praises of Adobe's Photoshop when it comes to editing photos and to be honest, that is probably the most comprehensive product out there.

However, I was looking for something that would be really intuitive – I didn’t want to deal with any learning curve. And oh yeah, I wanted something that was free. Photoscape hit the mark on both fronts.

These are some of my favorite features this software has to offer:

Mole Removal – I guess they thought it would be too crass to call this tool “zit zapper,” because in addition to making moles magically disappear I can attest that it does the same for blemishes.

Smart Blur and Noise Reduction – These two features both perform the function of smoothing your complexion. Ladies, you can stop saving for Botox. Seriously, I used these functions on a photo of B and I before posting it to Facebook and he commented to me, “Wow, we look really good. Really…fresh.” To which I replied, “Yeah babe, I doctored the shit out of that.”

Clone Stamp – This tool has been useful for blotting out personal information in photos, like our address on Rex’s collar.

Backlight – I don’t even know exactly how this feature works, I just know that it has saved many a photo taken in low light from being relegated to the recycle bin.

While the above features are for what I would consider photo correction, Photoscape also provides tools that let you get all artsy with your photos too.

These are just a few examples of the different effects you can apply to your pictures:

Water Painting

Antique Photo

Impressionistic

There’s a lot more to this software so I hope you’ll check it out. Have fun!

(FYI, this was not a sponsored post. Just me sharing what is, hopefully, useful info.)

Make Me Laugh Monday

2011-10-10T06:40:00.002-04:00

Winning caption: "So, I wear this Olympic fake gold winner ribbon thingie that says Number One and I get extra kitty cookies?"

Courtesy of The Empress, over at Good Day Regular People

Want a chance to have your blog button featured in my side bar?

Simply comment with a suggested caption for the above photo and if I think your suggestion is the funniest, then I'll feature your blog button in my side bar for a whole week. I'll also update this post to include your caption and name.

All submissions will be considered until I ~~pass out~~ go to bed on Thursday evening. Thanks for playing! :-)

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Pssst! Don't forget, I'm hosting my very first linky called, "Mamma Said" this Friday, Oct. 14th. Come on back and link up your post on the best advice your mom ever gave you.

Announcing My Very FIRST Link Up – “Mama Said...”

2011-10-08T09:13:00.000-04:00

Last week in one of my posts I referenced a piece of advice my mom gave me as a child that really stuck with me. It was the encouragement to, “Just try your best. That’s all anybody can ever ask of you.”

Those words have carried me through algebra tests, challenges at work and many a day as a new parent. And now I find myself imparting that same advice to my son.

A comment on that post got me thinking and resulted the idea for my very first linky:

What's the best piece of advice your mom ever gave you?
or, (because I’m flexible like that)
What’s the one piece of advice you hope your kids take from you?

The linky will be open all day, next Friday, October 14.

I hope you’ll come by and link up your posts. If you’re participating and decide to tweet about the linky, please use the hash tag #mamasaid.

Who knows, with all of the collective wisdom that we amass from this exercise, we just might solve this parenting thing once and for all. ;-)

Wordless Wednesday: On the Farm

2011-10-05T06:33:00.000-04:00

A Test for Both of Us

2011-10-04T06:35:00.000-04:00

E had his first math test today. Now that he gets real grades, I've been consciously trying to avoid falling into a trap that I've seen other parents write about: buying into the idea that the academic success of one's offspring is a direct reflection of one's competency as a parent.

I think this notion stems from the fact that, as parents, there's no "performance review" that lets us know how we're doing. Nothing definitive and tangible that lets us know with certainty that we're getting it right. As a result, we grasp at whatever third-party validation we come across.

In reality, there are so many different variables that contribute to a child's academic performance. As parents, to take all the credit - or all the blame - would be to deny our kids the part they play in bringing about their own successes and failures.

As for me, do I hope E does well? Absolutely. Do I expect him to get perfect grades? Absolutely not.

In the wise words of my mom, all I want is for him is to "try his best." And in turn I will try my best to support him in his studies with love and patience.

Make Me Laugh Monday

2011-10-03T06:36:00.000-04:00

Hey folks. I gave Rex a reprieve from our usual Monday morning shenanigans, but I didn't want to leave you without a little something to make you smile.

Here's an excerpt from my desk calendar that I thought was so funny I've actually been keeping it tacked up on the memo board in my home office. If my husband ever said this to me I think I would orgasm on the spot....

The Perils of Being “Bridge and Tunnel”

2011-09-27T06:30:00.000-04:00

If my home state of New Jersey is my first love, then New York City is most definitely my “thing on the side.”

Such a relationship brings with it certain labels. No, not “slut” or “tramp.” It makes me “bring and tunnel;” a moniker that some New Yorkers would find just as disdainful as being called a whore.

Hey, I don’t care. I’ll wear the title with pride. Just about the only thing that I don’t like about New York City is getting there.

Anyone who has experienced the Lincoln Tunnel during rush hour will attest that it's pretty much a daily exercise in trying to shove ten pounds of shit into a five pound bag. And over the years, I’ve seen some pretty crazy things while gridlocked with my fellow commuters.

Like...

When I drove in to see a play and while stopped in traffic I looked to my right to see a car just inches away from me being driven by a MIME. As in complete black and white face paint.

I had to chuckle at the first thing B said when I told him about this. He wanted to know if the mime was just pretending to drive the car.

And then there was the time I incurred the wrath of a Port Authority cop. The police had stopped all cars from proceeding out of the Lincoln toll plaza because they were directing a tractor trailer across the lanes of traffic.

Once the truck and the cops passed to the other side of the orange cones I started to go. Girl Scout’s honor, I was not tearing out of the toll booth like it was a drag race. I was proceeding with care.

At that moment one of the cops turned around and yelled at me, "And YOU don't go until I tell you to go!"

So what did I do? I put my window down and apologized. "I'm sorry. I thought it was ok."

To which he replied, "Because if you have an accident and die, I’m the one who has to write the report!"

Yes, being a part of the “bridge and tunnel” crowd is not for the meek. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyone else ever see anything strange while stuck in traffic? Someone shaving their legs while driving? Frying an egg on the dashboard? Do tell!

Make Me Laugh Monday

2011-09-26T06:26:00.001-04:00

A little nod to my alma mater…

Winning caption: "Ok...so I bump into things. Don't you think this is a bit extreme?"

Courtesy of Cinnamon at Cinnamon's Spicy Life

Want a chance to have your blog button featured in my side bar?

Simply comment with a suggested caption for the above photo and if I think your suggestion is the funniest, then I'll feature your blog button in my side bar for a whole week. I'll also update this post to include your caption and name.

All submissions will be considered until I ~~pass out~~ go to bed on Thursday evening. Thanks for playing! :-)

Make Me Laugh Monday

2011-09-19T13:44:00.003-04:00

The back to school edition…

Winning Caption: "Best. Show and tell. Ever."

Courtesy of Angela at Begging the Answer.

Want a chance to have your blog button featured in my side bar?

All submissions will be considered until I ~~pass out~~ go to bed on Thursday evening. Thanks for playing! :-)

Things That Make You Go, "Grrr"

2011-09-14T06:35:00.000-04:00

Last Wednesday was E’s first day of school. Since I’m back at work now and B does consulting work from home, he was on deck for the big day to see Little Man off to school.

Generally speaking, the morning went off without a hitch. But it appears that when it came to one little detail, my (self-admitted) nagging was to no avail…

Night before first day of school

Me: So E’s backpack is on the chair and his lunch bag is in the fridge. I put his jacket on the banister by the front door.

B (head buried in laptop): Babe, I’m in the middle of looking something up online. I know. I got it.

Morning of first day of school

Me: So I put E’s lunch bag in his backpack and his jacket is by the front door.

B (looking up from breakfast): I know. I got it.

Phone conversation later that morning when I was at work

Me: ABC Company this is Saucy. (Not how I actually answer the phone at work.)

B: Hey.

Me: Hi. How did things go this morning??

Cloak of Invisibility

B: Everything went really well. It was raining pretty hard so I used the golf umbrella while we were waiting at the bus stop. It was a little cool out though. He probably could have used a jacket.

Me: Didn't you have him wear the jacket I left out by the front door??

B: I didn't see it.

Like I said. Things that make you go, "Grrr."

Does your partner exhibit this kind of selective vision/hearing loss?

In the Spotlight? Moi?

2011-09-12T06:54:00.000-04:00

We interrupt this edition of Make Me Laugh Monday for a special announcement, I'm being featured on Parenting, Shaking My Head as a Mom in the Spotlight!

I'm totally honored and hope you'll come check it out. :-)

“9-11 Never Forget” - I Couldn’t Even if I Tried

2011-09-08T05:58:00.000-04:00

I didn’t lose a loved one on September 11^th. Nor do I know anyone who did. I wasn’t in New York City that day and I wasn’t directly in danger. That being the case, I don’t even know if I have the right to talk about something that had such a devastating impact on thousands of other people when my life continued on its course.

And yet here I am, at my computer, feeling sheepish yet oddly compelled to share my personal experience of the events of that day ten years ago.

I was at my office in NJ when my friend, Jason*, who worked in Manhattan called me and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Center and that there was talk it was a terrorist attack. He sounded very serious, but not panicked, so we talked a little bit and I told him to be careful and call me later. At that point I didn’t fully grasp the magnitude of what had happened. I thought a small, one-person plane was involved.

Moments later, word got around my office that something was going on and we turned on the news. It was then that I realized that Jason and many of my other friends who lived and worked in New York City were in real danger. I began frantically calling all of them to make sure they were all right and that they were far enough away from what was happening.

I managed to get in touch with everyone. Except Jason. His work number went to voicemail and so did his cell. I knew he worked in finance, but I wasn’t sure how close his office was to Wall Street.

Ultimately, phone and cell service in the city went down completely and I spent the rest of the day watching the horrors of the attack unfold on TV with no idea where my friend was or if he was ok. It was a tremendous relief when I finally heard from him again that evening.

And now it’s ten years later, but it just doesn’t feel like it was that long ago to me. I still can't bear to look at photos or footage of the towers collapsing. And when 9/11 falls on a weekday that is sunny and exceptionally beautiful like the day of the attack, it's very eerie to me.

So no, I will never forget 9/11. I couldn’t even if I tried.

*Name changed

A Back to School Rant

2011-09-06T06:50:00.000-04:00

Last June, the PTA sent out a message about ordering packages of school supplies for the coming year.

I remember thinking, “Jeez, how lazy do you have to be to order pencils and markers. Just hit Staples people.”

My indignation at the thought of outsourcing back-to-shopping stems from my childhood. When I was a kid, I used to like picking out which notebook would properly convey “the wonder of me” for the coming school year; would it be the Trapper Keeper adorned with puppies? Or the one with unicorns? Decisions, decisions.

I wanted to give E that same chance at self-expression and thought letting him pick out his own supplies would also be a good way to get him excited about going back to school.

Anyway, after logging onto the PTA web site to print out what I can only describe as a list of demands for all of the things that a first-grader is required to have, I now understand why they have this racket going where you can buy all of the stuff through them, in one package.

The reason? Because shopping for all of that crap is a monumental pain in the ass!

The list of supplies for my son’s grade consisted of over ten different items and was so specific that it actually indicated the BRAND of pencils, the color of their notebooks and the exact dimensions of their supply boxes! Are fucking kidding me?!

Plus, I’m convinced that some of the items on that list just flat out don’t exist. There IS NO THREE-PACK OF RED, BLUE AND GREEN folders sold in stores! I know because I went to four different stores trying to find them!

Ultimately, I got everything E needs. But you can bet when they send out that order form at the end of this school year, I will be signing up!

Is your school district like this? Or am I just lucky?

Where's the Beach?

2011-08-30T08:12:00.000-04:00

So here’s the thing, I know this is supposed to be the post where I gush about my family vacation and tell you how perfect everything was, but that’s not how I roll.

I’m going to give it to you straight, because "I gotta be me" and there’s a reason this blog is called Life & Times of a Saucy Bitch, not Life & Times of Suzy Sunshine. (Besides, who would want to read that shit anyway?)

My family and I spent last week in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Did we have a good time? Yes. Would I go back? No.

Basically, unless you go gaga for golf that place is like being down the shore only less convenient. And not as “real”.

Our resort was in a planned community called Sea Pines on Calibogue Sound.

What is a planned community? A kind of Disney-esque town where everything looks the same and the lighthouse is only there for aesthetic purposes.

What is a sound? From what I can tell it's a body of water that produces no breeze whatsoever. And it was HOT AS BALLS. (I still can’t recall how we decided it would be a good idea to visit the South at the end of August. Especially since I’m philosophically opposed to sweating unless it’s by choice, like when I’m working out.)

Anyway, Hilton Head is a very wide island. So for the first day and a half we were there I was kind of like, “I hear talk of this thing called a beach. I’ve seen many pictures of it. Where the hell is it??”

Unlike the Jersey shore where the roads run right along the coast, the main road on Hilton Head is about a half mile inland with private homes, resorts and forest separating you from the sea. There’s not a lot of public beach access either.

We did spend one afternoon at the beach at a partner resort. Although we had to pay $24 to rent to two beach chairs that looked like they were from the 1920’s and should have come with a full body swim dress for me and a top hat for B.

But before I completely give you the wrong impression, I must say again, we did have a great time. This will forever be known as the vacation where Little Man learned to swim!

On our second day there, after some coaching from my husband and a fair amount of bribery, E half dove/half belly flopped into the deep end of the pool and swam like there was a motor on his behind. By the end of the week he was swimming the whole length of the pool! We were proud beyond words.

Other highlights?

A pirate cruise aboard The Black Dagger that E absolutely loved. The staff made it really interactive for the kids…

Poor Stinky Pete. He didn't stand a chance against our little buccaneer.

And this Christmas ornament I found in one of the shops…

You know you want one.

I understand from Jayme of The Random Blogette that you can get them on Amazon too.

We got back Friday night. And as always, as I got into bed, I couldn’t help but think that being away on vacation is nice, but coming home is even better.

Make Me Laugh Monday

2011-08-29T06:58:00.001-04:00

I guess we weren't the only ones on vacation...

This week's winning caption: "Mahalo bitch."

Courtesy of Cranky Old Man. Thanks for bringing a little testosterone to my blog!

Want a chance to have your blog button featured in my side bar?

Simply comment with a suggested caption for the above photo and if I think your suggestion is the funniest, then I'll feature your blog button in my side bar for a whole week. All submissions will be considered until I ~~pass out~~ go to bed on Thursday evening. Thanks for playing! :-)

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In other news, I should go on vacation more often since in my absence, this blog received another very cool award. I have to say a big "THANK YOU" to Mindog and Metch of Mindog & Metch Bicoastal for honoring me with the Liebster award. You ladies rock!

Later Alligator

2011-08-22T09:07:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone. I'm doing the family vacation thing this week and that means going "unplugged". (Pray for me.)

Be back next week when I'll continue to test my cat's patience for your collective enjoyment and when I'll also share some tales from our trip.

Wordless Wednesday: Nosey Neighbor

2011-08-17T06:40:00.000-04:00

This is Bailey the Cockapoo. He lives next door and loves to watch E play in the yard. He’s so cute I think he looks like a stuffed animal.