Pixels and Painkillers

On Violence and Idiocy

2013-01-24T15:01:00.001-08:00

Dear Morons,

If you think this is an impolite way of talking to you, then you probably deserve it. The people who I do not deem as moronic, know they have not committed any huge acts of idiocy to earn the title, and are therefor not offended.

So, if you are asking, "Why am I a moron, and how can I fix this?" I commend you. You are probably not, because if you are aware of how idiotic you are, then you probably aren't anymore.

I'm talking to you, Senator Leeland Yee, Ralph Nader, the NRA and all the others who are proclaiming ""We are in the peak of [violence in entertainment]. Television program violence? Unbelievable. Video game violence? Unprecedented,"

I've got a story to tell you gents. So listen up.

I play games. I am a gamer.

Last night, I played a little Borderlands 2 with some friends,
We had a blast, we caught up on our daily lives, hadn't talked in a while due to work, and this was our time to relax and chill. My friends live nearly an hour or so away, so not really feasible for me to see them after work a lot. So we play games together. it gives us something to do that isn't just chatter via an IM window. It has excitement and story. We had a grand time of it. All digital, a little stress relief at the end of a long day.

Let me tell you what we didn't do.

We didn't go out and beat or kill anyone.
We didn't go out on a rampage or killing spree.
We didn't go out and buy tons of guns and ammo because the games told us to.

We're not stupid, we're adults. Adults who have been playing games for most of our lives.
You criticize and find "links" in violence cases like grasping at straws to link things to your favorite scapegoat, mostly because you probably don't understand it and it bugs you that you can't control it.

We're in a peak of violence in entertainment?

Bitch please.

When was the last time a gamer purchased a whole caravan of slaves and forced them into gladiatorial combat against veterans and/or wild animals to get torn apart for the glory of the mob?

When was the last time a gamer donned his armor, and shoved a lance out to try and bash in the armor of a competing knight, or swung his mace and sword in a grand melee?

Or hey, what's the last major injury you saw from a wild night of gaming? I mean it's not like we toss a ball into a field, and then slam our skulls into each other, attempting to tackle and menace each other in the attempt to move said ball back and forth on a field. That would be football.

What we do, we do digitally, it doesn't harm anyone, countless, peer reviewed (That means fact checked for your moronic brain) studies have found no link between violence in game media and actual violence.

I'm a gamer, and I am not a violent person.

I'm not going to threaten or cajole, that would make this whole post hypocritical, and I am definitely not a hypocrite. That would be you, who say you serve the people. However I'm a gamer, and also a person, and one of your constituents, and you are definitely not doing me any service.

So I guess that makes you a potential for unemployment soon.

Maybe it will give you some free time to play a game or two.

Love and Kisses,
Me.

Some Helpful Desert Tips

2011-08-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” - Charles Darwin

So I've been running around the big desert place now for a number of years, and through it I have, or my many friends, have picked up a number of helpful tips that it's about time we share with you. Some of them are obvious, the others perhaps a bit crazy seeming, but most of them are pretty good.

Re: Drinks
- Minimize the messy horror that coffee pots (or worse french press pots) and grounds can be, use a single cup drip, fold up the filter with the grounds to dry during the day and then toss it into a burn barrel at night. It smells nice. (From Rachel Clein-Cunningham )

- Don't bring bottles and bottles of stuff to drink, instead bring Two or three non-disposable water bottles for un-water drinks, and bring a powder concentrate in a single large re-usable jar, and add in to your water (Wendi Thompson)

Re: Gear
- Take a lesson from the Tuareg of the Sahara, light layers of absorbent clothing IS good. Not so heavy as to cause overheating, but good for keeping the sun off you and absorbing sweat, which when even a minor breeze comes up, helps cool you off. Combined with staying hydrated, this works REALLY well.

- A great combination for Dust Storms, day or night, is a pair of Welding Goggles and a Shemagh.
I recommend these as part of my personal gear.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0017Z04SK
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001ELUYZ0
The welding goggles have removable tinting (Or you can even get the ones you can flip the tinted part up and still have protective goggles on, and the scarf protects your skin, hair and face in those sudden bursts of aerial Sandpaper.

- Bring your own first aid kit! Just because there might be Medical help around to bandage you up, doesn't mean you should rely on the resource when you could have taken care of yourself. For something like this, you don't need all of the usual stuff. An acidic wound cleaner such as Hydrogen Peroxide, band aids of various sizes, bandages, medical tape, bandage shears, an ace wrap or two, antibiotic cream, aloe cream, sunscreen!

Also, remember your meds! In the scramble to pack and get ready, you can often forget that tiny bottle of what you need to keep your heart running, or remain breathing. Remember you might be at a different altitude than usual and if you have any sort of respiratory condition this can cause a normally mild condition to aggravate.

Re: Partying
- We know, we know, you are there to have fun. How fun is it to be laying on a backboard, smashed out of your brain and getting IV needles shoved in you because we picked your dusty carcass off deep desert, dehydrated beyond belief? Not very. Booze is NOT hydration. If you drink the booze, drink twice as much water. You should be drinking the amount of water mentioned in the survival guide.

- It's also not your party. It's everyone's party. Be mindful of your activities and remember when YOU are trying to sleep, whether you want that neighbor you annoyed by blasting Dub Step into their RV/Tent at 4am in the morning, they may decide to return the favor.

- Have fun. If you don't have fun you are doing it wrong. If you are doing it wrong, ask someone who is doing it right how not to do it wrong. Do not however push your feeling of wrong onto those who are doing it right. If you are miserable, either ask how not to be or shut up and keep it to yourself.

There are probably tons more, but I wanted to get a couple of these out there real fast. Feel free to add comments to other nifty "tricks" to your own betterment and survival out there to share with others and I'll update the post accordingly.

Defeat

2011-05-02T00:56:00.000-07:00

“A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.”
-Oscar Wilde

The reason I love the Doctor, is because even in the face of all things, he pities his enemies. He does not take pleasure in their downfall, but rather sorrow that things led to that state. Sorrow that he could not save them, at his own failures that led to their corruption and responsibility that another way could not be found towards redemption.

Today, a man, almost definitely an evil man, by the very actions he committed in whatever name or cause he followed, is dead. I see the jubilation, the profane cheering, the hand shaking of congratulatory masturbation.

And you know? I pity him, and the state of affairs that led to his death being necessity, but I take no pleasure in the knowledge of it. Mourn the people lost due to his actions, vilify him if you must, but accept that the cost of a life is almost always too high to pay.

But more than that, I pity ourselves. I feel the sorrow in what we have become. In the knowledge that we take enjoyment and pleasure from this, rather than relief and guilt in that things led down this path.

Maybe we couldn't have stopped affairs from leading to this further down the line, maybe sometimes tolerance, negotiation and faith aren't enough.

I am not deluded to think that we live in a perfect world where we can solve things ideally, but I cannot countenance or accept anything but sorrow at the end of this.

A man is dead, it was necessary. Accept that and learn from the history of our own mistakes. And strive never to need it to be the solution again.

2011

2011-01-01T18:32:00.000-08:00

New Year's eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights. ~Hamilton Wright Mabie

Here we are, 2011.

It honestly feels like I was doing this just the other day. Perhaps it is the arbitrary number signifying progression of our years, but it leaves me feeling somewhat whimsical and contemplative about the whole thing. I'm going to share some of my thoughts in the usual rambling fashion that we've all become accustomed to.

This year has been a quixotic mix of the good and bad, which I am sure is your typical year for pretty much anyone and I've come to think about it and realized one thing.

Life isn't so bad.

Sure, some things could be better. We could all have jobs, stable homes and be with a person we love and are loved by, and etc. ad nauseum.

But really, look at what you do have.

If you are reading this, you have at least one friend and since I'm very particular about who I call a friend I can say with almost 100% certainty you are personable enough (Far more than me probably because after all you TOLERATE me) you most certainly have a lot more than that. Friends who care and are there for you in every way they can be (We all have our own lives to live after all) even if right at that moment they can't be. Have you taken the moment to thank them for that yet?

I shall do so now.

Thank you. For being my friend. For countless moments and hours spent listening to my ramblings, for tolerating my story telling habits, for the unending patience with my mood swings, and for veiling your annoyance with my pranks.

You are the very pillars that hold me high.

I have learned that love can come in different forms from all of you. That I am appreciated and loved by many of you, and I love you in return. I have learned that no matter how hard the hopes for something more with that certain someone(s) are broken, there will always be someone to catch me when I fall, even if that is Mr. Ground.

And really, none of us are really at rock bottom, as hard as it all is to believe sometimes.

You will find a job, it will come, and we can find ways to get you through those tight spots do until you do.
You will find a home, and as you lent me your couch when I was in need, you shall have mine in yours.
You will find love, often where you least expect it, but perhaps somewhere you do. And when it comes it will hit you in the stomach like a freight train, and we will sit back and laugh at the look on your face when you finally realize it with amusement. It may not happen this year, or the next, but giving up on it is for pansies. And I will totally smack you upside the head every time you talk about giving up. As I would expect you to do to me.
You will find happiness. Chances are you already have it, but as we are often blinded to our own because we compare it to that around us and often only see it as a pale comparison to that which we do not have (Really, when did happiness become a pissing contest?)We will Re-insert the smack across the head comment here. (I'm really not a violent person, I'm just good at it).

It's 2011, take your arbitrary number designation of a new year and run with it. Make not resolutions but actions and decisions, stand up and fight. Fight dirty. Figure out what you want and say "I WANT IT" and go and get it using every trick you can manage.
2010, I don't care if it was awesome or it sucked, but don't hope for more of the same, or stand as is. Hope and wishes, while good in small doses, are for poor sods that don't control their own lives. You aren't that and nobody really is, unless they decide not to step forward and take control of what they want from their life.

2011, you are so going going down as the year I kicked ass. If you try to get in my way, you are so totally screwed.

To all of you out there, I love you all. Happy New Year. To the best fracking year yet to come.

Thanks be oh, great ones!

2010-12-06T04:23:00.000-08:00

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yeah, it's been a while since I've done this. 'Ware the stickiness, because it's about to get sappy in here.

We are just past the day of the Great Turkey Massacre 2010 (except for all of you out there that butchered that poor defenseless Soy tofurkey... you monsters...).

I've seen a bunch of posts on what you are all thankful for.
Here's mine.
Sort of...

Having gone through the Great WTFBBQ that was 2009, I walked into 2010 with an open minded anticipation, hard won optimism and a bit of dread, would this be a repeat of last year? That nasty, stupid fat hobbitses of a year?
But, through the support of my friends, my quite formidable confidence in my own abilities (Yeah, totally not arrogant at ALL, am I?) I took the step forward.
Things did not immediately get better, but they most definitely didn't suck, no major illness or the usual host of injuries I somehow manage to sustain through the obstacle course of my life. Somehow the first few months manage to pass without incident. I remained confident that 2010 was going to be a better year.

Once again, July tried to prove me wrong.
In case you haven't followed the Book of James, July hates me. Apparently, somewhere in the past, I insulted July's mother, and now it wants to engage in fisticuffs with me each year, and when I attempt to avoid or otherwise postpone it's satisfaction, it hits me when my back is turned.

This year was unfortunately no different than the past few.
However I decided I'd roll with the punches it threw, rather than let it knock me down again, tossed it the Finger, and kept going into August.

Getting down to Burn this year was a difficult experience. More bad luck, from exploding car to overused and in need of replacing camping equipment, to literally not having time to prepare for the event due to replacement of housemates, tried to deter me and eliminate my Burning Man plans and visiting my very dusty family and home.

Screw that, I was going. I made it work and by god I was glad I did.

People often talk of a crucible and catalyst moments in their lives, and all the Burn Hippies (I love you guys, but lets call a spade a spade, though this doesn't actually apply to ALL of my friends that go there) admire the event for these deep and meaningful conversions and epiphanies of their lives post-burn.
Yeah, no... I usually work for most of it, so I guess I never get that experience.
Instead, working there, which could have happened anywhere, but it just happened to be there, taught me some things about myself.

I'll share them.

I have a bit of a martyr complex. Not in a way that I desire to receive compliments or praise for working so hard, but rather I have a tendency to push myself incredibly hard to 'Get Shit Done' that I sometimes forget that other people are there to help me and get it done as well. And this reflects on them as I don't trust them to do it. I have noticed that I do it at work, Dickens and a few other places. I think this falls into my being a bit of a perfectionist in the things I throw my heart and mind it. I want it to worth my energy, and when I see it not being treated with the same near-fanatical energy I devote to it, with the love I give it, it is frustrating to me.

This leads me into the second point.

If I am passionate about something, I am a very bad instructor and mentor in it.
This weekend at Dickens combined with the Burn experiences actually define that incredibly well.
In about 30 seconds this weekend, I taught a couple to dance the Waltz, the first time they had ever done it, and after I taught them they immediately went to the dance floor for the next Waltz, went to the middle, and proceeded to hold their freaking own. The pride I felt was immense. Yeah, I could teach a dance well. And while I enjoy dancing, it's never been anything more than peripheral to me. I love it when I feel a connection with my partner, but that is more my enjoying the personal connection than the actual dance itself. I have trained myself to be a good dancer so I can enjoy that connection more, but simply because as a good dancer it provides better opportunities since I don't have to struggle or concentrate on the dance. So I can teach dancing.
Explaining what I do at Burn and teaching people how to devote themselves to a job, even a volunteer one, that I have done passionately and with a fervor bordering on fanaticism for years, that I love doing dearly... That I cannot teach. I can teach the basic job easy enough probably, but trying to show someone how to approach a standard achieved by near total devotion to the job is hard, and unfortunately shows and acts as a detriment when mentoring.

I'm thankful for the people who know this, understand, and told me so that I could better work on moderation and teaching.

I walked out of Burn realizing that my passive nature was causing a lot of Drama unintentionally. My desire to avoid confrontation actually caused more. Between rumor mongering around me that I refused to slap down, to actual drama that I'd back down from. It was creating more stress than I needed. And I needed to stand up against it. I got aggressive. I've probably offended a few people too, but really if they got offended by my deciding that I needed less drama in my life, and by discovering they couldn't roll drama over me anymore, then they sort of had it coming and I'm overall better off. Here's how:

James Recipe for avoiding Drama:
1 Cup of STFU: Don't start it. Nobody cares about who and who with what on who's backyard and who was invited. You really don't need to know, and nobody else except the specific parties involved needs to either.

1/2 Cup of Talk to the Hand: The easiest way to stop drama, at least for yourself, and if everyone does it, is if someone starts, plug your ears and "lalalalalalalalala I'm not listening Lalalalalla' or flat out say, "I DON'T CARE" to anyone attempting to tell you said rumors or gossip. Schadenfreude be damned, you really don't need to know who is hooking up with whom and you are better off not until it becomes obvious (If they are snogging in public, that's fairly damn obvious, you can talk about it then, because it's no longer gossip), or who broke up with who and who's available and omg why this person did show up that day. Get over yourselves, nobody cares how much you know about other people's lives. You're acting like you're still 7 years old playing playground politics to get people to like you by knowing everything about everyone.

2 Cups of Privacy: Facebook is great, stay connected with friends, keep up with their lives, see fun photos of their vacation in ... Holy god my eyes! Gah, no I never wanted to see a picture of you naked Jello Wrestling on Marti Gras... Some things should be kept private. Don't feed the gossip machine, control what you don't want the world to talk about by not airing the laundry to the damn world.

1 Cup of Dealing With It: Man the hell up and grow a pair. If you have a problem with someone, confront it and talk about it. If you have problems with them that you think might end up harming you and really for girls, we understand that you see the world differently since even some of the weaker guys can be stronger physically, then call in an authority figure. Don't send friends around to deal with it, don't be passive aggressive and let it fester. Lance the damn abscess and let the nasty ooze out and away. Deal with your own problems. You aren't children anymore, nobody is to blame for your problems except your own actions, so you might as well deal with them yourself.

Following this recipe, I've cut 90% of the drama from my life. Some is unavoidable, but I'm not trying to avoid it anymore, I'm instead confronting it when I run into it. And by damned, it goes away a hell of a lot faster.

Since August, as I am not progressing on to my original reason instead of a rant, a few more things have happened.

I've started to enjoy my life a lot more. Between finding a new job, losing a lot of the weight gained through the various injuries and illness, going out more often, but not falling into the same patterns. Doing things I love and cutting out things I only do because of following a usual pattern. Encouraging myself towards a future. And establishing friendships on the foundations already in place.

Yeah, it's been a busy three months. And this last one is likely to be busier.
I'm now at Dickens, and between the job and the weekends, I'm dead on my feet some days. And I freaking love it. Because I'm appreciated for what I do, but I am learning to balance it, take care of myself better and moderate.

In short, I decided to grow up. I care about what matters, I cut out what doesn't rather than allowing it to sit and puss up.

I'm thankful I learned to be a better person this year, and I'm thankful to those who helped me.

I'm not even going to start naming names, because I'd probably cap this blog character count out.

But... *WARNING* SAPPY AHEAD
Ahem... Now that that interruption is over...
My friends are my pillars, while I've been learning to stand on my own, and create the solid foundation to stand on, they have been there for me. They have dealt with my whining and complaints, exultations of triumph and crushing defeats. And they, you, are always there to prob me back up on my feet, dust my shoulders off, and push me back in screaming 'Fight, FIGHT, FIGHT!' like a high school schoolyard brawl, just with less slapping like a pansy ass and more actual brawl.

I'd still be here without you, but I wouldn't be the person I am. This year may or may not have been this good without your support and you have more thanks than I can ever express in words.
I keep trying to find the right ones, I spend a little time each day scouring books, blogs, quotes and dictionaries to find out how to say thank you to all of you.

I haven't found anything perfect, and I doubt I will except for the unspoken words I give you when I hug you as thank you for being my friend, but here's something to go by for now.

The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?
- Henry David Thoreau

To all of you I am thankful. And 2010, if it was good or bad, let us together as friends finish off this December in a style they will remember and sing songs of for ages to come. And then kick off 2011 on notes that will shatter steel around the world.

-James

Don't Take My Med-kit Man!

2010-11-12T16:04:00.000-08:00

So I just finished up the Campaign of Warhammer Dawn of War II on the PC.

Yes, I know it came out a while ago and the expansion is due out this month, but there is a reason it took me so damn long.

I didn't want to play it alone.

Don't get me wrong, I love single player games, but not when they have the option open for Co-Op on the campaign missions.

I feel the nature of gaming needs to evolve, more of what we consider to be story based games need to have the option to play with multiple characters, and I have to say THQ did it pretty damn well with their DOW II campaign. They let you play the Force Commander. And whichever of the co-op players hosts the game gets to play at the primary player in this game, but it doesn't deter in the slightest. I have to say their design actually makes the game more enjoyable by cutting down on the amount of micromanagement of 4 squads (in co-op you only need to manage two squads each) that is needed to progress through the gameplay.

One of the things I noted was how easy the game seemed, until I set the difficulty on Insane.

Yeah, it really met up with the label.

It took skill, real teamwork and communication to get through it.

And it was more damn fun than I've had in ages.

Gaming today seems to have only rare instances of multi player story modes or cooperative play, and this is, I think, one of the greater faults in it. Multiple play-through capability is one of the better innovations, similar to the Knights of the Old Republic, Fable and Mass Effect RPG standards of allowing the player to choose different reactions. But the problem is you are still facing a content designed for a single player to guide the storyline.

Imagine those games if you had party members that up and decided, No, they didn't like the fact that you were turning evil, and because it was your buddy playing the character, you can't just kill it off, but actually have to adapt to one player playing goody two shoes, and the other play evil demon spawn. How will the end result of the game turn out. You open the possibility for development to more than just good, evil and neutral endings at that point. It has the potential then to become something so much more than it was, 15, 20, 50 or more possibilities. And yeah, they don't have to be that divergent so as to take away from the development time or budget, but you've just opened up 15 new playable paths and extended the life of your game by at least a few more days. More if it's a game as long as Mass Effect.

And that's just talking RPG style games. One of the most bitched about 'features' of first person shooter games is how dumb your squad mate's AI is. Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. They run into walls, they shoot at the sky or the ground or at a wall because there is an enemy hiding behind it. Why not allow your 3 best buddies to take control of those AI instead, and actually allow real communication squad combat?

Then up the difficulty. Because more players means you don't have to play candy ass, feed me through a tube difficulties, it makes the time players spend playing your game a lot longer, and you now have 4 purchases of the title rather than one because they can play it together, and not in a "can we all happen to get on the same team so we don't have to fight each other" sort of way.

This actually leads into another concept, but I'll leave it for another day.

Game Industry, listen up, cooperative play is nothing but good for your game and replay value and bringing gamers together and creating a social establishment of gamers playing together. How is this a bad thing? Social gaming isn't just the future, it's now. Get on the ball.

Ciao.

The Sum of "Most" Things

2010-03-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

So my dear friends, ladies and gentle primates alike. I provide you, here now at the start, a warning included in a little story.

For the past oh, longer than I can damn near recall, I have had a best friend. "Astounding!" you might say, "YOU have friends who will admit to that fact?"

I know, right? Crazy.

In these past nearer to two decades, he has always been around for me to chat and hang out with. There are not many nuances of my personality that this guy has NOT seen. (On that note, I really need to privatize my own life a bit more...) He listens and and has heard my rants, my crazy tangents, wild notions and quiet depressions. At this point, my person has become fairly normal as things go to him, he's not really surprised by much I do or say anymore, this has taken a fair amount of time to establish.
I can't think of any time when he's been gone for more than a week or two at the most without contact. Dear lord, near constant prolonged contact with me in a friendly manner for nearly two decades. (I can provide his address for sympathy gift baskets and or his 72 virgins).

Until now. The bastard went and left for Europe, how dare he go and enjoy the wonders of European culture, and with a cute girl too! By god when I get home I'm going to log online and rant to my best friend on IM... oh... crap...

So that leaves the rest of you.
Be afraid, be warned, be amused, just be.
/Rant on.

To be honest, I have so much crap I want to rail at, I have little to know idea where to start, so I I'm going to fire from the hip and things may be a bit scattered.

Twilight. The books, not the movies.
It's tripe, crap and an utter waste of time.
And I love it.
Oh, not the story, as I said, I despise almost everything about it, and yes, I have read it, merely so people cannot say "You can't criticize what you haven't read".
To those people I say, I want the hours of my life back I wasted on that trash.
However, I love it for one reason.
Kids are picking up goddamn books.
I have, for a long while, feared that children, tweens and people of the last decade or so may have forgotten that that pressed tree pulp, ink and writing between bound strips of cardboard were something other than something to groan at when a teacher tells you to read number through number.

Seriously, they are picking up a book, and that may lead them to another book, and then another, and eventually they may get to something that isn't utter crap and realize the utter mistake and humiliation of their first chosen literature, but really, that's the most I can hope for at this point.

This sort of leads to my next point.
Teachers today are for the most part, phenomenal people and educators. So why is this country progressively getting stupider?
Because School boards, boards of education and parents are tying their damned hands with "You must teach this, if you teach this" or "you cannot teach this because it wouldn't be politically correct" or "Don't teach this unless you can put a positive spin on things"

Seriously? Yes.

I'll give you some advice to the parents and other groups I mentioned.
SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET THEM DO THEIR JOB.

You can't put a positive spin on the mass murders of the last oh, history of humanity. The words that we now get all offended if they show up in history or literature? Guess what, if we pretend nobody ever said them, THEY DON'T GO AWAY. And only by letting people know WHY they were an issue, which would require us to not pretend they never happened, but actually acknowledge that we as a society have moved past their use for a reason.

You know what, while I am on this point. Children, adults, teenagers. Your "duh, whateva, u r srs" and constant use of profanity without need "that would be f*cking sweet" completely unnecessary. Grow a real vocabulary, you are only showing your lack of education and crude nature by resorting to said vocabulary. And if you want to be vulgar, try to do so with style. I can insult someone while smiling and have it take a full 5 minutes to sink in that I just mortally insulted their breeding, heritage, sexual preference and intelligence if I really want to. Without profanity. Grow up.

Leading into that is directed at parents. Given my own career at this stage of my life I am probably starting to dig my own grave here, but it must be done.
Turn off the TV, take away the books.

This should not be recognized as the norm...

Spend time with your damn kids. Not some nanny, nor the local Babysitter's club teenagers, You. Almost every one of my friends are all magnificent parents. I'll have them write you a damned pamphlet if you want.

Politics.

This is an interesting point.

Republicans in office. You people are acting like petulant children who are throwing temper tantrums because you didn't get your way, and are giving a bad name to the good Republicans out there that accepted their values and desires would be under-represented because of your asshattery. Grow up and represent those people, not the nut jobs that sue McDonalds because Coffee is Hot, and the president is a Half-Batman Kenyan Alien from the no longer a planet Pluto because God didn't make Pluto in the week of creation.

Democrats. Seriously? You guys have a ton of power right now, and what are you doing with it? Waving it in the faces of your opposition like you picked up the rag and got over the line in a capture the flag battle.
Swallow your fucking pride and stop trying to ram unpopular policy down their throats and actually try to work with them instead of seeing them as an opposition, no matter how they act. They might not see you quite so much as an enemy, and more of someone with differing viewpoints, and hey, that's common ground.

Pro-Choice.
This is not just on abortion, but rather a choice of anything. In the words of this man, a true visionary, and robot..."Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."

Let me explain, this means whatever a person chooses to do, within the limitation of "It doesn't freaking affect someone ELSE's right to choice" THEY CAN FRACKING WELL DO IT!

Does that need more explanation? Ok, let me expand.
If I want to kill you for being a bigoted, close minded ass hat, I am not allowed to. Want to know why? Because You are choosing to be that, and I should not be allowed to disrupt that choice of yours. Except, and here's the kicker, you are welcome to your opinion, until you start forcing other people to live by your expectations and beliefs. Just because you live your life one way, doesn't mean others should have to live it your way. So go fuck yourself, whine to your golf buddies about how gays are getting married, fetus souls are dying, and the batman president is black.
Oh and to all the fetus killing, gay marrying, black presidents out there? This goes back to an above point, stop making a big fucking deal out of it. Having giant weddings at a city hall in celebration is all great and good, but really, a smaller, more private ceremony that doesn't offend the people who have their opinions and might be moved to openly contest your ability to do whatever it is you choose might be a smarter idea. Just saying.

We are hitting a point of too long; didn't read now, so I think I will wrap up for now, with more to come at a later date if I feel inclined. For now, I have pie, and tea. And really, that makes the world awesome.

BBQ, The Australian word for grilled meat and good times

2010-03-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

So I am one day off of posting the BBQ recap here, so sorry, feel free to hold it against me and abuse me for the delay. Just know that my vengeance will be equally as swift.

Saturday Night, March 20, 2010, I held a triple threat BBQ Housewarming for the new Roomies/Birthday for one of them/hey the weather is freaking awesome, lets have a BBQ party, at my house in Burlingame.

Not as much prep time was needed for this and I think it went over relatively smashingly.

Unfortunately I didn't pay as much attention to the conversations as I was running in and out trying to make sure I didn't char the BBQ'ed goodies on the grill. (Because while I am a fan of setting things on fire, I balk at the concept of consuming them after they have been arsonified. Maybe someone else will comment on them and inform me after the fact.

The Menu!
This is the part that those of you that could not attend have been waiting for and dreading, the oh so delicious "This is what you didn't get by not showing up" list of tasty consumables.

Lets start with the apps.
BBQ party? Yes there was an app for that *rimshot*
A while back I learned of a marvelous Trader Joe's Salsa, a sweet corn and chili salsa, combined with the usual chips and salsa mix around. But to compliment I did a very simple yet tasty bruschetta, diced garlic, tomato, olive, mixed with puréed basil and some vinaigrette on a rustic sourdough baguette and topped with Motzarella cheese. Them's were mighty tasty, let me tell you (He says as he is currently consuming one of the leftover ones [there were not many].)

On to the main dishes.

For the carnivores out there, it was a simple BBQ chicken, with a Raspberry Chipolte BBQ sauce, slow cooked on the top rack to avoid crispification.

(Have you noticed I tend to make up words? I do that often, don't I? It's fun, you should try it, it helps not be so serious about everything.)

For the vegeblats out there, I did a slightly altered version of my previous kabobs in a different marinade. Tofu skewers with onion, mango, orange bell pepper, shiitake mushrooms and cherry tomatoes in a sweet and sour pineapple/peppercorn mixed marinade.

For the side dishes, we did simple grilled white corn in the husk, your typical salad with all the fixings, and then the Mother's Mac Salad recipe, which is Macaroni, Celery, Olive, Red Onion, Cucumber, Mustard, Mayo, Celery Salt, Paprika and a tiny bit of hard boiled egg, diced, all tossed together.

Moving into dessert was the Red Velvet and Cake Batter ice cream cake (Courtesy of Eric Torr and Cold Stone Creamery)

A marvelous bread pudding (Brought by the wonderful Jackie Pham and Alex Bullitt)

And some brilliant chocolate cookies with walnuts/M&M's (The Joyful Elizabeth Joyce and Brendan Wells)

From 7 until just after midnight we kept up, with the center of attention for once, not focusing on me (Thank the maker) But instead on Jesse Wood (The new roomie) and of course, the ever present Mina!

At that point, as things progressively always must, they ended, I got some help cleaning up, I grabbed some tea, the puppy curled up on the bed, and we went to sleep.

Was it really this epic? Probably more so, but I'm just not good at the whole writing Epic stories thing yet.

Stay tuned for next time when we will attempt "The Crackers don't Matter" Party, with Pizza, Margarita shooters and Bikini clad Sebacean women. Ok probably not that last part, as I don't think I can get an alien race on short notice, but the first two should be interesting.

Catch you on the flip side folks.

Way Back When

2010-03-07T05:23:00.000-08:00

“Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory is too good”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Do you remember when we met? You wore those clothes, and I wore mine?
The weather was nice that day, sunny not a cloud in the sky, with a hint of rain, snow and overcast. I remember you telling me you loved this weather, but really, if you could change anything about it, it would be everything. I remember laughing, and secretly feeling the opposite, but not wanting to say it because you might walk away or think less of me.

Remember when our eyes met that first time? Did they? Have we ever searched each others souls for something more? Was it dark out? Could you still see me? Could I still see myself as anything more than a reflection of what you wanted me to be? Can I still? I've forgotten.

But I remember the first time you smiled at me, I did something smart. Or was it silly. Or maybe it was a joke. Anyway, I remember the smile... I think. Was it instead a grin, or perhaps you just had something in your teeth you wanted to show me? Ew. That would have been gross, but I might have found it funny. I don't recall, it was a while ago.

Your voice was melodic, like if the light of a gentle moon could be audible and whisper on the wind, the words... I forget... I think they held affection, but it's been so long I can't remember. You told me your birthday, a day ending in Y right? You are from that country, place, city? No matter. I do remember your voice, strong and powerful like the sun on a warm day, a caress across my skin with every word... I think so, though I can't remember.

When you held my hand it was like being held in the embrace of tranquility, I could feel the smoothness of your skin, my fingers intertwined with yours, so delicate and small in mine. Those long fingertips, and rough hands I knew had seen so much in life only endeared you more to me, I knew we had lives to talk about and fill the space. Or perhaps it was just silence and something went click. Can you remind me?

I think perhaps I have failed at this recollection. Perhaps that is why I try to recall it every moment of every day we are together now.

Or maybe remembering is not as important as all that. It's the future and dreams, together, we should look forward to. Every day an opportunity, a chance to make those memories together. I think I can remember to do that.

Looking back, and seeing forward.

2010-01-01T03:10:00.000-08:00

I usually start out with a quote of wisdom I have gleaned from much more intelligent, eloquent and knowledgeable people. This morning I am going to do things a differently. Here is something I wrote while talking to a friend that I feel is especially important to remember.

"Life is comprised of moments, and not every single one can be euphoric, but if in a bad day, you can find just one moment, a song, a dance, a hello from a friend, that changes bad to good just for an instant, I think that maybe that day was worth it.

Don't focus on the life surrounding those instances, but instead consider that life surrounds them so that they can happen to break the monotony of things in brilliant shining points. People often notice the sky is blue , and you get comments occasionally about how pretty it looks today. But the stars, are always fascinating and beautiful." - Me

Here we are 2010, and I for one, am ready to meet you and say "This will be a better year"
Some of us had a great 2009. New beginnings, a number of good friends got engaged, and I am very happy for them. Others still are expecting new children on the way, which they have always wanted, and this too makes me happy. The joy they feel in their lives, I have gotten to share in, and those moments are what made things tolerable. It should have been more though. We have, many of us, had a rough year. Financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, and all sorts of ly's that make up our lives may have been affected this year one way or another. Then tonight, as I drove hope, I had to rethink my previous threats towards the new defunct year. I for one, have been threatening to salt and burn the bones of 2009 after a variety of other moderately unsafe practices towards the year, and in retrospect I think I am wrong to have done so. 2009 was not a great year, but I am alive, I am whole, and I have friends who love me, many of which I made this year, and seem to be in the process of making lifelong friends with. Could it really have been that bad with all that?

As the new year rolls in, it is common to make resolutions. I will lose weight, I will not fall in love so easily, I will learn to be a ninja and turn those skills to vigilante justice aka The Goddamn Batman. If I may suggest a different resolution to all of you (Though the Batman one is a keeper, so hang onto it.)

I make the resolution to not just hope for a better 2010, but instead I will MAKE it a better year for myself and those around me.

I will not allow circumstances to take me down, but instead will find joy in the moments I can spend doing things and being with people that are special to me.

These are my resolutions to all of you, here in this public post. 2010 will be a good year for me, because I choose to make it so.

As we come into this new year, I hope all of you can make the same choice I do, by not just hoping for a better year, but actively pursuing the positive course of your life.
I look forward to sharing my moments, a great many of them, with all of you.

Here is a toast to 2009, to teaching us to appreciate what we really have and how to make our lives better ones to live.

And to 2010, I look forward to this future, to which you are the start of.

Also yes, I am wearing a Tiara in that picture, you want to make an issue of it?

In reflection

2009-12-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” - William Shakespeare

This may seem like an odd subject for a post on the holidays, and in that thinking you would be correct. But then when has anything that I have ever done NOT been odd?

As we come to the close of this time of year, I tend to spend a lot more time in seclusion at home, not because I have overgrown a tolerance for people, though Dickens does tend to overload my ability to deal with large groups, but rather because I sit back and take a few weeks to reflect on the nature of the past year, and previous years before it and try to see where my life has gone and is going in the next year and years to come.

One of the things I reflect on, are not only the positive, but also the negative aspects of what I have been through, and I find the positives in them. I have become stronger for them. The kidney stone has prompted dietary changes which in the long run will make me hale and heartier than I was, and more than likely prolong my life, things like that.

These are merely the basic concepts of my reflection, whereas instead what spans more of my consciousness at this time of year and also means more to me, are the friends and people of my life.

I have had people grow closer, and others grow more distant. I have lain old antagonisms to rest (and not in the way that many of you would suspect of me.) I have achieved and made new and hopefully true and lasting new friendships.

To each and every one of you, I am speechless. The words of gratitude and thanks in every language I could think of or speak them in are not enough to thank you for being in my life.

From a week of friendship, to an ongoing one of over 17 years of being friends, you, to me are the greatest gift I could ever have. In this year, and in reflection, I have made and solidified some of the greatest friendships I could ever dream of. Ones that I can see lasting for many years to come.

I have squandered my days with plans of many things.
you were not among them.

On this day, 6 days from the year 2010, I give the greatest thanks I could think of or express to all of you, my friends, who I hold most dear in my heart and mind and will remember for all my years until those memories fade and pass into the dust of time, to which I give this writing, and write it in a physical journal as permanence of my testimony to you.

Thank you. I often say friendship and affection is earned, and not given. You all have earned it beyond my ability to return.

Thank you. And the most joyful holiday wishes I can give to you and all of yours. May your sleep be peaceful, your days be filled with love and joy, and may all your endeavors, friendships and life be as rich as you have made mine.

-James

The Last Immortal

2009-07-10T17:06:00.001-07:00

"I don't know how I feel about this, it was more mental conjecture than an actual story format, I may flesh it out eventually." -Alexi

The rain has begun.

It always rains.

The jet black clouds rolling in from west, cresting and building. The shouted epithets, battle cries and clashes of steel on the plains below me being drowned out by the deep rumble of thunder.

Slowly, a few drops darkening the color of my armor, and then the torrential downpour begins, the skies open up and weep at the coming battle, the lives that will soon be lost.

All for the sake of greed and power.

As the rain continues, I look out at the armies massed before me. The Dakre, Velosh, Mercers and even the Order of Sun. For hundreds of years, they were enemies to each other. War after countless war with each other. Each convinced of their own superiority, that their way of life the better.

But they are all the same.

Corrupted nobles, who exploit the people of this world. Poverty, disease, and crime run rampant. Slavery and exploitation of anyone, the weak, the children, the defenseless, the innocent. Those repressed, repress those even further down the cycle than them, and so it continues.

Compassion is dead.

It always comes full circle back to the rain.

I have stood here, in this place, against the armies of all that would uphold their own corruption, every thousand years. The names change, but the anger and sentiments are the same. They know what we are, and what we bring.

They know that every thousand years, the Cleansing comes.

The cycle of Cleansing has continued for eons, with my knights always standing vigilant for when the catalyst must be protected. We were the Guardians of Life. But now we are I, and this time, our order may fail.

The forces before me are the greatest, most ruthless armies I have ever seen at the fight of the Cleansing. The forces of corruption have bolstered their ranks beyond even our imagining. And they have spent the past thousand years hunting down, and killing all that stood against them. A great alliance. My kind has been killed, slaughtered mercilessly. These humans do not heed the numbers they must allow to be slaughtered to kill one of us. They think only of their goals, the success of their mission. Their greed in a world without us. To prevent us from aiding the catalyst in the final sacrifice, that is what they endeavor towards now.

If we succeed, we can hope, as we always do that no semblance of the corruption will remain to spread again, for after this there will never be another Cleansing. A blood sacrifice is required, the blood of my kind.

I am the last.

If we fail, this world will fall into ruin, the fighting will continue until all are
either dead, or under the rule of the strongest of the corrupt.
However, if we fail, then they will always remember this day, and the cost it took for their victory, and maybe that will be enough for hope of a better world.
The come now, to bring their battle to me, their brassy sound of their horns trumpeting over the storm, the resounding call of the war drums, the screams and cries of anger tinged with fear. They know who they face, they know, but they know I am the last of my kind, the last Immortal guardian. It is a good day to join my brothers and sisters in death, and so the battle will begin.

For thousands of years, on this spot, at the time of the Cleansing, it rains. Perhaps it is, as they say, the Keeper of Life, weeping for the loss that must come about. I do not know, nor do I know if there is a Keeper, for I have never died.
I shall know soon, but I intend to bring a great many with me.

Let it begin.

The First Movement

2009-05-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

When people think of Waltzes they often think of stately, sophisticated dancing. Many movies portray dancing as this elegant display of man or womanhood.

Fuck that.

This project is all about getting down and dirty, from the music to the moves, whatever I can find, link, or think of to make it more about the dancing and less about how much air you get fit up your upraised nose.

I am going to start with a Contra dance a few friends have been spreading around recently.

A mix of a set dance, in this case a Contra called Hay in the Barn by Chart Gurthrey, for the dance progression

Calls:
Neighbor balance and swing
Chain
Half hey
Partner balance and swing
Chain
Half hey
Start over with a new neighbor

However the in between becomes a fusion of tango, hip hop, swing and blues.

2008 YDW Techno Contra from Forrest O. on Vimeo.

The amazing things about this video is one, the age of the dancers, and two, how almost choreographed it is. The later fusions are known as the more spontaneous of dances, where what you dance to the music is at the whim of the lead and determination of the follow, and mixing it into the structure of a set dance is, while to a level, somewhat common, to this extreme is not often seen. On the other hand, when improvisation kicks in to make things more entertaining, usually people end up getting confused and coordination of the set dance dies. So props to this group for what they did, a balance of a structured set and the chaos of what I would call the roulette dances.

Secondly the music.
I can speak from experience that in a lot of dance halls, especially ones that are going to call a Contra, or even other waltz, a Swedish Hip Hop song is probably not going to be the song of choice (excepting of course for a few of the local ones who are trying to kick Contra up to a younger crowd).
The music has ENERGY. Set dances are in the opinion of this writer, boring. Once you have done it once, twice, 10 times, it will, except for minor variations, be the same almost every time after that. Sure you can mix up the in-between like they do in this video, but really, being stuck in the same patterns, just doesn't do it for me. Throw in the same music or musical styles are often used for the same set dances, due to them meeting the beat of the songs, and you have a recipe for me falling asleep if dragged into it more than once. But if the music varies, if it kicks into something I would listen to anyway, even were I not dancing. Then it becomes something I want to jump into, I want to dance not only the structured part, but might be inclined to vary up the in-between.

In the coming days, months and dare I say years of this blog, you will often hear me rail about the energy of music. Sure you can dance to it, but that's not the point. DO YOU WANT TO DANCE TO IT, do you feel the music in that grubby little essence you call a soul. Does the song move you, get your feet moving without you noticing, do you want to sing along and laugh while dancing.
I don't give a damn if I can dance to a song if I can't feel it.

And another thing. If the song has energy, don't beat it into the ground. Energy is a limited commodity. If you play the song, every set list of every night there is a dance, people will get tired of it. Variety and research. Oldies and goodies are great to mix in with new and shiny. It keeps everyone on their toes wondering what the hell are you going to throw at them next, and keeps them going through the dance till the end, when the realized, dear god, they danced everything.

So once again, props to the people in the video, you guys have a great thing going for you, you all look fantastic, and goddamn that looks fun. You win.

Hope

2009-02-22T05:43:00.001-08:00

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." - Mahatma Gandhi

I have never known anyone who has not ever suffered a moment of crushing self loss, who feels alone and lost, and without a path, even for just an instant.
It is a sense of agony deeper than any loss you can suffer. But sometimes, one glance, one thought, one chance of fate can come and set things aright, especially when you don't expect it.

Those without love may look across a room and find it in the unassuming eyes of another, and kindle a great burning passion long dormant inside their heart.

Those without faith may find something to believe in at the chance word or action.

It is only those without hope for the future that are lost. For without hope for a future, you cannot see the future surrounding you. Without looking forward you cannot see where you are going, so you remain still.

One of the sweetest feelings in life is hoping and having your hopes fulfilled. But even if they are not, you should not give them up. Treasure your dreams and you will make them true.

I have found my hope, my faith. I began to dream again about a real future. I found it in myself. And in this ocean, I choose to swim forward with this current. it will take me where it wills. And I will enjoy the peace I have found in the journey no matter the destination.

A few words...

2008-11-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinions; it is easy in solitude to live after your own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

If I could say something to President-Elect Obama right now, it would be this.

Earn this.

We trusted you, we voted for you, we supported you.

Don't fuck it up.

We've had 8 years of being treated like a hostile populace in our own homes.
We have been lied to, deceived, abused, and ignored when we raised our voices against our government.
Well now we need have been heard. Now we made our voices clear in what we want.

This is your chance for change that you wanted and said you would give us.

Don't fuck it up.

You can go down as the man that brought liberties, freedoms and the hope of America to be the place it used to be.

Don't fuck it up.

And to all my friends, Conservative, Liberal, Democrat, Republican, or yes, even you supporting the God Damned Batman.

Go find someone of the other party, shake their hand, give them a hug, remember why you are friends, and that the right to your own choice is what makes this country what it is. Let go of the anger of being on opposing sides. Lets make the best of this. No matter what your viewpoints we are all together in this.

We aren't on opposite sides anymore, we never were. We are all Americans, and we are all human beings. We are also friends. If you said harsh words in the past few months, or years, call that person up, and apologize. Forgive and forget.

We are in this together now, as American citizens and we always were. Lets make this a place to call home again.

Enough Already.

2008-10-24T12:18:00.001-07:00

Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. - Optimus Prime

Seriously, I love everyone here. I could count each and every one of you a friend and still feel I was being completely honest with myself. I would bend over backwards to help you out if you needed my help.

But seriously, this election and these politics are turning a lot of my friends, a lot of the people I am connected to, against each other.
We live in America, we have freedom of speech and opinion. Respect that.

I don't give a fuck what the rest of the internet land is doing, I don't even care what your friends are saying or doing on their blogs, who is attacking who, who said what to whom and whether there was a mother fucking gerbil involved. It's not worth alienating friends and getting confrontational over.

So enough. Seriously.

The election is over in November, why are you going to be saying things that may hang over your heads beyond that, maybe permanently damage your friendships with people you have known, danced with, had meals with, and called friend beyond that E-day?

It's not fucking worth it, and I'm tired of seeing friends turn on friends.

I don't care if you are Christian, Buddhist or Pastafarian. Your leanings of liberal, conservative, or The GOD DAMN Batman.
Democrat, Republican, Socialist, or Fascist, doesn't fucking matter to me. You are all my friends, no matter what you believe, and I will respect that.

The rights of everyone to have their opinion is their right given to them in this country. Freedom of speech. And I cannot, and will not ask you to stop exercising that.

However I will ask that you consider what you say, what the implications of your hostility and words may have on some longstanding relationships you may have spent years developing. And consider, is it worth it to say those words?

Why does it matter if homosexuals can get married or not? If you don't like it, don't marry one. If you feel compelled to marry one, try to understand that some people have been raised and ingrained to believe that is morally and ethically wrong.

Taxes are Taxes are Taxes. Taxes are going to fluctuate about a zillion times in our lifetimes, what does it matter if they are higher this year than others? Does that much policy, which draws party lines, Obama or McCain, really deserve fanaticism on the level of faking injuries to damage a campaign and turn friends against each other? Or trying to nitpick every wrong word said by an older man with experience and wisdom, and yes, a bit of a temper. Frankly, we're human, anger is an emotion. Everyone has a temper, get used to it. Oh and youth and inexperience? You say that like it's a bad thing. Sorry, but if it's one thing EVERYONE has, going into something they have never done before, it's youth and inexperience.

Friendships and freedoms. Those are what should matter right now. The right to say what you like, between you and your friends, the people that care about you, and not worry about being turned on or attacked for your beliefs. You should not need to worry that they may think less of you because you are voting for ObamaCainAlinIden '08. They should respect you for who you are, their friend, and the values that shaped and formed you into becoming your friend. However you need to respect THEM as well. Respect or not, acceptance and freedoms that we value in this country comes down to one question.

Do you love your home, your country, and the people in it you call your friends?
If so, grow up and act like it.
Both campaigns tout change, well frankly, I am not seeing change for the better from either side.
So I'm going to tell you what to vote this year. Vote "America" vote "Friendship" vote for what matters to you, and respect the tenants of human right to choice.

Beyond that, I wash my hands of this shit. If you all want to keep it up and keep attacking one another, by all means, just don't talk to me until after all this is fucking over and done.

Home

2008-10-17T01:16:00.001-07:00

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule.

- Frederick W. Robertson

The greatest gift that one can have, is to know where your home is.
Not always the place where you live, but a place you feel drawn to. A place of cleansing and safety. A place of healing.

I know my home. It is a place of cold, fog and ocean breezes.
I have not been home for many years now.

Perhaps that is the dysfunction of my life, a disconnect with my sanctuary, a loss of support and safety, feelings and self adrift with no anchor. The world around me is dull and discolored because of that.

My home is a gray world, a world of fog that blocks your sight.
But instead of becoming a dull mediocrity, it transforms the world and the place to seem more tangible and real than just what you can see with your eyes.

I have not been home for many years now.
My world has died more than a little since the last time I was there.
The sounds are muted, the colors of flowers and the sky are less vivid. Tastes are not as sweet. It feels like watching a movie through my peripheral vision and not seeing more than a little bit of life speed past, barely able to glance at it.

Very soon, I am going home.
I will go to heal, to bring clarity and hope back into my life.

I will breathe in the crisp air, feel the cold on my skin and let it make me feel alive.

I will stand in the surf, letting the waves wash over me and clean my wounds, a cleansing of the pain that infects my heart.

I will close my eyes, and let the sound of the wind clear my mind of the troubling thoughts that plague it.

And then I will open my eyes, and watch the sunset over the water, on the horizon. It will set with it my old life, the dull and disconnected life, and when the dawn comes, I will be alive again.

I know where my home is, and I am going home soon. When I leave my home, I will bring it with me, and it will have wrought a great many changes, and hopefully bring back some things in me that were lost, when I could not find my way home.

This is my crucible. A place of cold, fog, and ocean breezes.

Home.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power

2008-06-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still”
- Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism, author of "Tao Te Ching"

Power is a fickle thing. To have power is naturally desired. All people desire power. The power to live, have control of your own life. Even if that control is the choice of who you want to run your life for you. This is still power.

But the most desired and rarest power, is the power of evolution and change.
Evolution is normally perceived at a cosmic scale. We have evolved into what we are from little fish or tadpoles. But in reality, we evolved everyday.

The choices we make evolve us into the beings that we come. We evolve into a unique individual with every choice. Up, down, left, right, run, walk, live. People fear change, yet that fear changes things. Those with the power to change things are feared, yet they also fear the status quot changing and leaving them without their power.
We choose to evolve beyond what we are when we are born. We choose what to say and speak, what to think, who to love and how to live. We can push beyond the bounds of the powers of this world and master our own lives. We HAVE that power, and we have nothing to fear, because it cannot be taken away from us. As long as we live, we choose how to live.

I am who I am because I choose to be thus. This is my power, the power of acceptance and evolution.

Understand that control, and you can become, not something more than yourself, but YOURSELF. The person YOU are meant and want to be. Chase down that dream, say that comment you had held back because of fear. Live your life like every minute counts. We do not have an eternity to evolve, as this world, and all life in this universe has, we have but one lifetime.

Be what you are meant to be. As to what that is, only you know, because the potential is inside you.
Phenomenal cosmic power, Itty bitty living space.

Mad World

2008-04-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world... mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

Madness follows you through everything you do. You drive your car to work, turn right, turn left, turn left turn left turn right, and you arrive.
But today you choose to make a right for every left, doing something random. Where does it take you? Nowhere? These choices we make all have consequences, the butterfly effect. But you are somewhere. Not at work definitely, but maybe you are in a better place. Or a bad part of town. The point is you don't know.

Make a choice, take a chance, open yourself up to feelings you haven't had in a long time. Who can you love, what can you enjoy. Madness is life, a living exuberant life. Sanity is living in a closed little box, "Yes sir, No Ma'am. Whatever you Please." a linear world, a linear life, at the end of which you will perhaps be filled with regret and think, what if I had turned right instead of my usual left? What would have happened? You would feel alive.

Question everything. There are always answers to every question, but they may not always be correct. The world is mad, topsy turvey, confused and rushing a million directions at once, so how can ONE answer be correct? It can't. Questioning those pre-determined answers you reinforce to the world, saying "I am an individual, and we are not some little toy soldiers, straight out of the box, no assembly required."

I will not be depressed because magazines say I am out of shape.
I will not believe that I am a bad person unworthy of love because I do not fit the stereotypes.
I will not believe that you have to lie and be vicious to succeed in life.
I will not believe that I have to act NORMAL for people to accept who I am.

I will make my own choices based off what I believe is right.
I will be myself, and I will cherish and love all those who accept me for me.
I will accept this mad world and willingly be a part of it.

Don't follow me, make your own turns, but consider, is it the destination that matters, or the journey getting there that matters most? Make your turns, and best wishes on getting to where you want to go.

Paths we tread on

2008-02-25T21:50:00.000-08:00

There’s a Zen expression: “Enlightenment can come only after humility.”
Carl Sagan once said:
“In science it often happens that scientists say, ‘You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,’ and then they would actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.”

It’s such an important message. Stand up for what you believe, but don’t be so stubborn that you can’t learn and change from another’s reasoned argument. So the question I would ask is this: How best to enlighten our others and ourselves?

By forcing your opinion on someone else you will usually meet only resistance. Even the young resist being told how to think and what to do. Which would explain why one of the first vocabulary words of children is "No"

No matter how much you press against a wall, it will not move against force. By forcing it, you will only destroy the wall, not move it along your path. Reason with it. Search for the crack in the wall, the opening that leads beyond it and perhaps it will follow.

This is what Zen call the path of enlightenment.
The path not to just our own understanding, but the passing along our knowledge to others. Knowledge is pointless without sharing it. We are born, we live, we learn, and we die. If you pass on from this life never having shared a glimmer of what you have learned in your life, then your life has no meaning. Only by sharing what you learn with the world around you, and learning from them, do you truly reach your full potential as a person. In a paradoxical view of life, this scenario can be compared to Schrödinger's cat. You are neither alive, nor dead if you never share your life experience with others. You exist in a state of both inside your box. Break through the walls of your box and be alive.

But also to be aware of, not all walls are meant to be broken through. You will not always be right in life, this is a universal fact. The walls you seek to pass will instead be waves of knowledge towering over you, moving inexorably towards you to push you down the path it flows. Do not fight it, instead let it wash over you and through you. Feel the knowledge crest through your mind, and accept it, become one with it. Keep yourself, but also accept that knowledge and make it part of you. There are over 6.8 Billion people in the world, with a growth rate of almost 7 million people per year. That is at the very least 6.8 billion unique possible ideas or perceptions of the world. Not all will be correct, but not all will be wrong. Accept knowledge in any form it comes in.

Step outside the box and see what paths in which you can make your own waves.

How to make a Glow Stick

2008-02-21T04:45:00.000-08:00

See Also: Illumination

Ingredients
2 liters distilled water
50 milliliters hydrogen peroxide (3% concentration)
0.2 gram luminol
4 grams sodium carbonate
0.4 gram copper sulfate pentahydrate
0.5 gram ammonium carbonate

In medium sized glass mixing bowl, add the hydrogen peroxide to 1 liter of water.

In another bowl dissolve the luminol, sodium carbonate, copper sulfate and ammonium carbonate in the second liter of water.

Lay out a few sealable, clear containers - test tubes with stoppers or Nalgene bottles are good.

Pour in equal measures of each solution - and watch with glee as it lights up.

The hydrogen peroxide solution oxidizes the luminol, producing 3-aminophthalic acid. As it's electrons settle to a more sedate quantum state, they emit photons at wavelengths between 430 and 470 nanometers -- purplish blue.

Illumination is everywhere, simply step outside, the sun, the stars, the moon, the street lamps on that corner you pass everyday on your way to work.

The houses, when you look in, and see all sorts of things. Love, happiness, Sadness, misery, depression, all mixes and swirls of emotions in the light.

What would the world be like without illumination? Empty and dark? One fifth of our world would disappear from us in the click of a light switch. And incomplete place.
Yet without reliance on what we see, we would learn to trust other things to tell us of this place. What we hear, smell, touch, and what we learn and know about the things around us.

We would judge others, not by what we see, but what we know of them. There is no more beauty of the face, but now beauty of the soul for everyone to experience. There are no snap judgments made based off of visible imagery. This world would be a better place.

But in reality, there is no knowledge, no world without illumination, because knowledge really is a different form of light. It's a light in your heart and soul, that tells you what is right, what is wrong, why you love and why you hurt.

Bring light to your life. See from the inside like it was dark, take a look at someone you may have judged on sight, and perceive them as if you could not see them, with anything else but your soul and your heart.

And to everyone else, be sure to glow, so that they may be illuminated by your light as well.

The Butterfly Effect

2008-01-31T04:06:00.000-08:00

It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.
- Chaos Theory

Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways."

There comes a time to grow up and live your own life, not by the direction of others, but by the guidance of your own heart, your god, your mind, whatever you believe should guide you. This is part of being alive, and giving up your childish ways. However there is more to this that just declaring yourself an adult, a man or a woman instead of a child. You need to understand your actions, and the consequences of everything you do.

While people are there to depend on, very often you are not alone in living your life. However nobody can live your life for you. Let nobody but yourself guide you in life. Look to others for advice, but make your decisions, fully aware of what may come of them, yourself.

If you live without a job, you not only hurt yourself, but others around you. Those you must beg for money to live, those that might otherwise benefit from your skill and ability.

If you live without love, understand this. There may be your friends that suffer because you are without, and they do not like seeing you unhappy. Understand that you may be depriving someone else being loved, and be hurting them far worse by not being there for them, even if you have never met them.

There are many such situations. Physics is life. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is however only slightly true.

The reaction is not always equal an opposite. By falling in love with the right person, you dedicate more energy towards loving them than you can imagine, however the reaction is beyond even what you put in. It is not equal, but it is worth the effort.

However above all else, understand this. Do not let the above reasons convince you to grow up, go out there. Do not live to gratify others. Live for yourself, love for yourself, and be alive.

Make typhoons, for when you do, you will be the man or woman you are meant to be. And anyway, the world could do with a little stirring up.

Life's Little Speedbumps

2007-12-18T14:03:00.000-08:00

"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." - Allan K. Chalmers

There is perhaps a time in one's life, where one must stop entirely to gain perspective. In a quiet place where all that exists is you, and the sound of nothing. Where your vision can span everything you have ever done in your life, and everything you want to do. That is a moment where there is such deep introspection, that you may see things you need or want involved in your life, that you never knew you did.

Love, life, a family. As you get older, people say that women have a biological clock with children. Some women have no problem hitting the snooze button. And men, well... Very few men have a clock issue until a midlife crisis.

I guess I am not one of those.
There is something so appealing, from the top of my head to the bottom of my soul, about having a family, a wife, holding my own children in my arms for the first time.
I cannot help but crave this, but I would only want it with the right person.

The problem is finding that person to share your life and your dreams of the future with. Or when you do, letting them see the potential you have.

But if they do not see it you have to let them go, you have to sit there, with the knowledge of what COULD be, and watch the possibilities of dreams crumble with every step away. You analyze every word you had said, every action, you second guess everything you could or did do that was incorrect or just wrong to push them into walking away.
And it hurts.
The loss of hope, can fill you with such a hurt, an empty space inside your chest where your heart was, that is so empty and lonely, a black hole in space would seem lively by comparison.

I do not like walking away, and I will not live without hope.
So I have to hold onto hope, love and embrace the things I have to do. Work, Dancing, Life in general, and give in to the hope that one day maybe they will walk back, or you will say the right words. And fill the hole that will make you complete once again.

Vision

2007-11-01T11:17:00.001-07:00

"You see things and you say "Why?"; but I dream things that never were and I say "Why not?"" - George Bernard Shaw

It may come as a surprise to some that I have grown up with a very limited to non-existent support network. I have not had the most supportive family in the world.
In fact quite the opposite. They have tried to knock me down into their perception of the world, the reasoning being that what I chose to do with my life, MY DREAMS, are so beyond their comprehension, so new, it still squeaks when it turns around too fast.

This is partially true, but I take some measure of satisfaction each day I wake up. Fight the system, fight preconceptions.

I am living my life and loving each second, living every breath I take like it is the sweetest nectar in life.

This may seem odd to some of you, but I am talking about video games.

Yes, video games. Odd isn't it.
From a very early age, I fell in love with them. The ability to not just tell a story, not just SHOW a story, but involve the audience in it. THIS is their story too. Not just the characters in the game.

The sensation of it was mind boggling.
I never stopped loving them. I made friends I never would have because of them, and my LIFE has been planned around them.

What do I want to do in life?
I want to make a game so sensational, so amazing, that it captures others in a rapture like I experienced. I want them to feel joy, sadness, and exhilaration in the events of the game.

Every step I have taken in my adult life has taken me closer to this path.
From 16, I was involved in the gaming industry, learning the ropes, the ins and outs. Shaking the figurative hands and kissing the virtual babies as it were.
There was outcries, THE GAME INDUSTRY IS TOO SMALL, IT WILL GO NOWHERE. At the time, my family was right, it was small, barely recognizable, a closet industry. But my time in the industry seemed to coincide with the industry becoming something more than it was, a fact of life, a pillar of modern existence. My time in the industry has evolved WITH the industry.

Today, I think was when I saw the most fantastic thing ever. Games have been recognized, on a level with movies and other entertainment media, as being at least as big as, if not bigger than them.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/24/arts/24halo.html?ref=business
To quote:
“People have been talking about video games becoming a bona fide mainstream entertainment medium, and you really see that playing out with Halo,” said Neal Tiles, president of G4, which will begin its coverage in New Zealand, where the game will first arrive. “They’re looking at $150 million in the first day, which is bigger than any movie has done. Culturally, it’s at least as big as any film opening or TV premiere or book or Broadway opening, and probably bigger.”
This is the moment, when I say "Why not?" and you can no longer tell me "Because that is the way it is".
My vision of a future becomes more and more feasible everyday, and I am living MY life the way I want to. This is contentment.

Legacies

2007-11-01T11:16:00.001-07:00

"This quest. This need to solve life's mysteries. In the end, what does it matter when the human heart can only find meaning in the smallest of moments?" - Mohinder Suresh - Heroes - Episode 1: Genesis

Sometimes you find people, things you need in your life in the most unlikely of places. These things are the crucible into which your soul is thrown, these people the catalyst.

Sometimes they don't even know their affect on you. And you may not even recognize it yourself until you take a step back, gain some perspective on the changes you have made as a person. What is stripped away, and what is left.

We all desire knowledge, to better ourselves. But as the quote says. In the end, what does it matter the enjoyment we find in these moments?
I believe it matters. These glimmers enlightenment, the moments of explicit joy when all the pieces of the puzzle mesh together to create the image of what you were looking for. These are the moments that define us.

Between the alchemical combination of people and events. We get the definition of self.
And when all is said and done. The only thing left will be the memories that you leave behind.
How will you be remembered? What effect will you have on the people around you?
Will you be their crucible as they were yours?
That is what life is. Become that for someone else, and you will find your life gaining meaning. Leave a legacy that will be remembered for years after you are gone.
And perhaps someone will leave theirs on you in return.