Life as a classroom

Your Primary Relationship

2012-02-27T17:25:00.001-06:00

I've found a church that the kids and I have been to a couple of times. I grew up Catholic and, though I consider myself a recovering Catholic and don't regularly attend service, I do believe my children should have the sense of community that church offers... and have a familiarity with practicing faith.... but without the hypocrisy.

And that's a whole other blog post.

Yesterday the sermon was about dating. I loved that my children received the message that their primary relationship is with their higher self. In this case, the pastor said "Jesus". I've also used the phrase "Holy Spirit". Some say "The Universe". Or simply "Higher Self", "Love", "God", "A Greater Power"... etc. In other words, the relationships here, on this earthly plane, should take second nature to the relationship with Who You Really Are.

I've written before that I find it's easier to be spiritual when I'm single. Human relationships can rock us to our very core. They seem so real and good and painful and orgasmic and excruciating. It is difficult to remember, in the midst of all of those feelings, that we are, first and foremost, spiritual beings having a human experience.

Simply put, we are BETTER in our human relationships when we take care of our SPIRITUAL relationship first.

****

As an example, I have a wonderful friend, another single dad, who is in a very damaging relationship.

He is divorced and his first priority is to his children. His girlfriend, however, has never been married and has no children. Her first priority is to make sure he meets her needs.

He is, quite possibly, one of the kindest men I know. He is probably a better mother than I am! He would do anything for anyone that he cares about. Thus, he has spent the past few years doing anything and everything she has asked from him in order to "make her happy". On a personal level, he understands that it is not up to her to make him happy. He knows that happiness is a choice and he is doing his damnedest to be happy despite the fact that she constantly puts him down, picks fights with him every time they're together, and nags him when he is with his children or when he's alone because she is jealous that he wants to spend time with someone other than her. When he includes her in his family time, she again gets jealous when he is affectionate with his children. He knows he can't make her happy and yet, he keeps trying.

It's rather frustrating to watch.

Obviously she is relying on him for her happiness. She has forgotten her relationship with her Higher Self. She would rather blame him for her unhappiness than to take responsibility. She is pointing at him and shrieking in anger... forgetting her other 3 fingers are pointing back at her.

He also chooses to remain in this relationship for fear of "being the bad guy". He already IS the bad guy though, isn't he? After all, who does she blame for her unhappiness?

I'll admit that I've fallen into this trap myself, at times. Isn't it easy to do so? It seems so much easier to blame someone else rather than to look at our own demons - or rather - rise above the perceived battles we're fighting and remember that we are not who we think we are.

****

I told my daughters that if they can remember their True Selves and that the true Love in their lives is with the spirit that created them, then they'll handle all relationships just fine. Because with that, they'll naturally (1) learn how to fight respectfully or by not engaging at all (2) learn how to say I'm sorry because they'd rather be happy than right (3) learn how not to take things personally.... and so many other powerful lessons that I've written in this blog....and those I'm still learning.

It was a great lesson for them and a great reminder for me.

"For God Himself created the only relationship that HAS meaning, and that is His relationship with YOU."
A Course in Miracles

As Single Parents, We can't help but be AWESOME

2012-02-22T17:13:00.002-06:00

As mentioned before, my chiropractor gives me an energy word whenever I see her. Today the word was:

Calm

She recommended that I meditate and affirm that word because what my body was saying was CHAOS.

Ha!

Now why would it say that?

Is it because.....

I work a full time job where I...

keep the office running smoothly and clean, fridge, pantry, cabinets stocked.
do all of the accounts receivable and accounts payables
do HR, payroll, insurance and retirement accounts, benefits
assist in implementing new software for sales and marketing
have my own sales products/process to follow that no one else does
assist in implementing new phone system
handle all vendor relationships relating to the office
build our marketing plan
design and roll out new website
create content for our marketing, website
handle all corporate communications within and outside the company
do all events planning for internal and external
assist the CEO in whatever
be an ear for anyone who's going through anything
keep a smile on my face through it all

Then I also volunteer for another organization where I...

handle all their marketing and events planning

I'm also working on the side helping several other businesses with their marketing
I'm also networking like a fiend to continue to build this side business
I'm also creating marketing workshops to help others
I'm also planning my high school reunion
Oh... then I get home and I...

cook (preferably 4 times a week and healthy homemade meals)
clean (continuously)
buy groceries
do laundry (continuously)
help with homework
pay bills
keep the house in good running order
make good quality time with my children
make time for the dog (because she's my child too)
get the kids to and from school on time
make time for kid related functions and extra-curricular activities
keep the kids and dog healthy by being Dr Mom
maintain the car I drive
plan fun time with my kids
think of and remember EVERYTHING (thank goodness for Google calendar)
be an ear for the kids when they're going through anything
do it all with a smile...

Somewhere in there I also...

try to keep my fitness with yoga, Pilates and (only) light triathlon training (since I'm injured)
try to get at least 7 hours a sleep a night
try to keep myself healthy by eating right, visiting my natural wellness support network (chiropractor, homeopath, neuromuscular therapist, energy healer)
try to meditate and study my spiritual path
try to spend time with my friends and others in my support network
be an ear...

And.... every now and then, I'm able to ...

drive 3 hours, each way, to spend a day and a half with my boyfriend (once a month)
make time for him when he's in town for me (once a month)
and when I'm not with him, talk to him for 1/2 hour to an hour a day
be an ear anytime he needs be other than that

Occasionally, I get to...

sleep late
watch TV
blog
read

So, why on earth would my body say "chaos"?!?

The worst thing about all of that activity is that sometimes I want to just collapse... but if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. It is draining, physically, mentally, emotionally...

Feeling low one particular day, a friend said to me, "How can you doubt yourself? You're amazing and awesome!"

But as a single parent, I have no choice. I didn't even cover the things I need to do (like fix some things around the house, take better care of my car, sleep more, enjoy more girlfriend time). Because I'm so spread thin, I do what I can do, to the best of my ability, and I have to let go of the rest. This is when the squeaky wheel gets the grease, ya know?

As a single parent, my priority is to take the best care of ME that I can so that I can take the best care of my family.

If that makes me awesome, then I can tell you ALL single parents are awesome. We can't even help it.

I'll keep meditating on calm, though. Every now and then, I'll find it and relish it while I can. Until then, somebody get me a Margarita.... or go buy one for a single parent! We need it!

Breaking through the Wall: What Approach To Take when Your Partner Isn't Talking

2012-02-20T16:57:00.002-06:00

Imagine this...

You're wanting him to know that you're feeling low... but you don't want to specifically ask him to hold you. You simply want him to intrinsically know. Instead of showing you attention, he turns on the TV, laughs at his show, grabs himself a snack like you're not even there. You begin to feel angry, resentful and so you start making loud noises to distract him. He looks at you, perplexed, and asks if you're okay. You announce sharply that you're "FINE" and he shrugs, shoves food into his mouth and returns to his television show.

Or let's imagine that you've had a difficult day. The boss is demanding more than you've got. A bill is due and you don't know how you're going to cover it. You return home and she's in her own world. Maybe she's had a great day and wants to chat with a friend about it. Maybe she's had a rough day and wants you to listen to her problems instead of listening to yours. You're the man. You don't want to ask her for help...men don't do that. Instead you withdraw, bury your head in a book and ignore her. Maybe instead of reaching out to you to see if you need anything, she acts like you're not even there. Secretly you sulk and shut her out even more.

*****

Ugh. These are both situations that I've been in or had some experience with. As a woman, I can't stand being "ignored". (I put it in quotes because it only seems like ignoring.) No one likes to feel unimportant or unheard. Perhaps the "not noticing" is because you or your partner is silently building a wall between the two of you.

As a man, I would assume he doesn't want to feel shamefully helpless to her emotional distress so he allows the silence, the non-verbal cues to just "stay away". After all, to him, she's just "being emotional" over a feeling or situation relating to someone else.

Maybe the reason a woman would avoid her man is because she feels just as helpless. He sees himself as "failed" in some way. To him, there is an actual concrete reason for him to feel bad. He isn't providing or living up to an expectation he has put on himself.

Viva la difference, eh? Men and women are so different in their reasons why but they are alike in at least one way: Helplessness... a feeling no one enjoys because it creates deeper feelings of anxiety and separation. Thus, avoidance becomes the bricks and mortar separating them.

So how do you break down the wall?

Awareness helps.

When you're actually in a situation like this, it can be difficult to communicate with words. The tension can be cut with a knife and any words spoken may very well feel like blades. The non-verbal communication says "leave me alone". In this moment, the best advice that I've heard is... remember your breath.

You have to take a moment to observe how you're feeling. Anxiety, frustration and resentment usually mean you're holding your breath or breathing short and shallow. Take a moment to find a center, breathing in slow and deep. Once you're centered, can you find a way to step outside of yourself and recognize how your partner may be feeling?

Yes, your partner may have some idea that you're in need of support but doesn't know how to reach you.

Is there an agreed upon gesture that you can give your partner to allow them through your wall?

Maybe reaching for her hand or crawling into his arms. Passive-aggressive stomping or distraction doesn't work. We all know that. If you're unable to speak with words or feel heard, find a gesture or touch that reminds you both that the connection needs to be reestablished.

When we feel low or failed, we feel very alone... thus we seek witness to prove how alone we are. Everything your partner does will "prove" to you in some way that you're on your own. Take a breath and remember this is not true. Can you remember that your partner is on your side? Their avoiding or ignoring is not to hurt you but to self-protect from the helplessness.

Avoidance is the common tone in a situation such as this. Using words from this place of resentment, sulking or withdrawal can often lead to attack. Attack usually leads to defense... which usually leads to more attack and so on.

Approach, however, can be more open and positive. Approach may be a small gesture of reconnection (touch or some other non-verbal love language) or it may be as simple as remaining open to your partner and allowing them time to lower their defenses to the perceived "danger" of an unfriendly world that doesn't even include you.

The point is - one of you needs to soften before the other one will.

If we can remain open to each other, even during the toughest of situations, show empathy the way our partner needs to be shown (different for everybody), remember small gestures of love (like we all do in the beginning of a relationship), perhaps the communication has a better chance of remaining intact.

Words have power, no doubt, but feeling connected runs even deeper than what you say.

What is your experience in communicating without speaking?

Inspired by this book and my own frustrating learning/growth experiences.

Sometimes I need to take my own advice...

2012-02-15T11:49:00.000-06:00

I received an email late on Valentine's Day from a long time reader of this blog. Elle and I communicate via Twitter, she comments on the blog occasionally and she's sent me a few emails. Most recently, she's inquired about studying A Course in Miracles.

Last night, she sent me the following email:

Hi T,

You wrote a great post a few weeks back "Must be nice" and I commented that I was feeling down because my ex just had a new baby with his girlfriend, friends are getting married, have great jobs and here I'm still struggling to put the pieces back together.

This is what you wrote back:

"Keep your eyes wide open if you want to dream." ~ Paulo Coehlo

It is difficult to dream when what appears right in front of you is struggle. Life isn't easy for me right now but I'm choosing to FIND the ease as best as I can. Then... things just happen. Opportunities present themselves. My believing things will get better (and I mean FEELING that belief) is making things get better. A little by little. Bit by bit.

Remember we all have our battles. Your ex husband will be getting up at all hours with a new baby! Your newly married friends will feel blissful at times but then they have to concentrate on making a marriage work. That's a tough job in any relationship. Better jobs? You're worthy of one too. You can be the change by changing your mind first.

And also, I pray a lot. :) Part of praying is also listening and saying, "Thank you."

((hugs))

I emailed it to myself, printed a copy and read it ALL the time. I also emailed you about ACIM (A Course in Miracles) and started doing the daily readings along with prayer and taking time for ME. I can not tell you what a difference it has made for me. There are still challenges-lots of them however I have something I had lost--confidence and the knowledge that I am worthy of better things. In that last month, I ran my first half marathon, started applying for jobs and have kept my grades up all while taking care of my daughter and working full time.

I am sure that blogging can be very draining and even tiresome sometimes ( I am so sporadic, I don't even consider myself a blogger lol) but please know that your words do make a huge difference. I can't speak for anyone else but for me? Your words were exactly what I needed to hear to change my perspective. I will always be grateful for that.

Thank you for being you and for sharing your experiences with us.

Love and hugs,
Elle

I can't express how much this feedback means to me. I love to know that my struggles and lessons are helping someone else. I love comments (as all bloggers do) but I often feel like I'm struggling and perhaps bringing y'all down when I struggle... or preaching to you when I'm not. I want to be helpful, to myself, to you all. So receiving Elle's words last night made my entire day.

....especially because *I* needed some reassurance as I'd slipped into the "must be nice" category that I'd written about. I'd begun envying and feeling less than. When I'm in that space, I cannot relate to the positive person that Elle writes about. Not only did her words bring me to humble tears, they reminded me that I can bounce back from these little temporary failures that bring me down. After all, I've done it before and others continue to do it all around me.

Thank you all for your comments, feedback and reminders that I am not alone. It is amazing to remember that the life I'm leading would inspire someone else. Thank you to Elle for creating awesome experiences in your own life. You are indeed MY inspiration.

"He does not have to fight to save himself. He does not have to kill the dragons which he thought pursued him. Nor need he erect the heavy walls of stone and iron doors he thought would make him safe. He can remove the ponderous and useless armor made to chain his mind to fear and misery. His step is light, and as he lifts his foot to stride ahead, a star is left behind to point the way to those who follow him."
~A Course in Miracles

If you want to change the world...

2012-02-14T05:13:00.000-06:00

A friend sent this to me. It's so perfect that I have nothing to add. Enjoy.

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD.. LOVE A WOMAN

by Lisa Citore

(When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem.)

If you want to change the world… love a woman - really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing……

every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman - one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.

There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see - really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life - beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.

There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

To tell you the truth

2012-02-12T19:12:00.000-06:00

This post was in draft, written at the end of August 2010. I have some idea to whom it was written but I am not sure. Pretty powerful feelings I left on this post...

These past few years, I have decided to live my truth. I choose to be authentic and real. I have decided on boundaries I want to live by.

And yet, I still have problems honoring those boundaries and truths.

I tend to be the person who's pretty agreeable. There are some times, however, that I'm not. There are some times that I really have something important to say.

There are some times that I need to say something that could be so hurtful and honest, so down-to-your-core, that you may not want to speak to me again.

There are some truths about yourself that make me want to slap you clean across your sweet face.

There are beliefs that you carry about yourself that make my skin crawl.

*sigh*

My fear is that if I speak up, you will pull back, run from me, lose trust, keep secrets, hide and eventually go away...

What am I supposed to do with that?!?

They are YOUR misguided core beliefs. They are YOUR negative feelings and misperceptions about who you are. They are YOUR habitual ways of hurting yourself or proving how 'not worthy' you are.

I cannot change that about you.

I cannot change your mind, your thoughts, your deeply rooted core beliefs.

Knowing this, I want to remain silent. Knowing this, I want to avoid you. Knowing this, I want to remain in my own quiet space where I don't hurt you, where it doesn't matter what you do, where I don't have to watch you not care about you like I care about you.

Maybe... it'd be easier on both of us if I weren't in your life.

Then I wouldn't have to tell you the truth. Then I wouldn't have to speak at all.

An Examination of marriage: My sexuality (part 7)

2012-02-08T08:11:00.005-06:00

This was a post in draft from August 2010 examining not only my thoughts on marriage, but continuing the examination of my sexuality. (This would be part 7 in the series on my sexuality. part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5, part 6)

Sometimes I have to ask myself:

Why on earth would a self-proclaimed "simple" man who longs for nothing more than a "quiet, boring" life be attracted to me, ever-searching, restless, far-from-boring character?

I've discovered recently that it is actually myself that I don't trust, instead of my Gentleman Jack.

***

Last week, I tweeted:

"A few of my girlfriends (whom I've had sexual relations with) still flirt with me on Facebook. Jack says it feels disrespectful to him."

"He feels there's a societal double standard: That it's ok for women to flirt with me but not men. But I'm bisexual, both should be taboo."

"He feels their flirting with me is as disrespectful as another man who flirts with me. I see his point of view, just never thought of it."

A few comments were made. Some great questions asked:

"Sorry, but I have to agree with Jack. After my summer of seeing so much jealousy, I have learned the hard way, but the honest way, that most if not all flirting is disrespectful and hurtful when you are in a relationship. It does bad things to damage the core of your trust, especially if you've had intimate relations with the person you are flirting with or who is doing the flirting. Just best to eliminate it all." (*sigh* Yeah well...)

"Would you and he feel the same way if they were men from your sexual past? (Yes.)
If yes, you gotta look at that, too.
But, jealousy is never good, even if you're a flirt ... as long as you both know where your boundaries are." (Thanks Kat. Boundaries are good.)

"So, the questions would be, do you flirt back? (not intentionally) Or is it just one sided.
Does he have a reason to worry? (looking at MY history? See above posts on my sexuality.) Does he think you might go back to them?" (no, he doesn't think that.)

"I never knew you were bi-sexual. Just curious, do you think you would be satisfied in a LTR with just one person of either sex, knowing you couldn't enjoy the other?" (I think I would be. Let's examine that.)

[Update today: Funny how I feel completely different about flirting than I did then, when this post was written. Check out my most recent encounter with a flirtatious someone and how it made me feel: Realizations from a Flirtatious Encounter]

***

In my marriage, I settled into a place of quiet contentment. I still had sexual desire, don't get me wrong, but I was ever-the-initiator and wanted more and more attention.

Once I began receiving attention, it would spur me on to initiate more, to put in even more dating-type efforts (lingerie, strip tease, etc.). Eventually, after I was a stay-at-home mother and no longer in the workforce workin' my sexy self, I stopped initiating. I was tired. I wanted someone to take care of ME. To want ME.

In simple terms: It turns me on to be desired.

[Update today: Yeah, it does still bother me to not get sex when I want it. The difference is that I have an awareness of why now.]

Will a long term relationship (i.e. marriage) keep that part of me satisfied?

How to Survive a Divorce... with Children (part 5)

2012-02-07T06:52:00.000-06:00

This post was in draft as part of my How to Survive a Divorce series from late October 2011. I still think this is good advice after the end of a relationship.

Get to know yourself again

Before you were in the relationship you're now leaving, you were a different person. Can you remember who that person was? Do you remember your goals, dreams or plans?

Those things may be different now. Or some of them very well may be the same.

Hobbies?

Interests?

What have you put aside or pushed away that you could pursue again?

Maybe there is something new you've never done that you could try now. Perhaps going through a transition such as this gives you strength or courage to do something that you may have never done before. Let it fuel you.

Part of getting to know yourself again means spending time alone with yourself. Maybe that time alone is during a good long run, a quiet yoga class, focusing on your breath during long laps in the pool.

Maybe that means just taking a moment, a few minutes of your morning or evening to sit in quiet awareness.

"To make the right choices in life, you have to get in touch with your soul. To do this, you need to experience solitude, which most people are afraid of, because in the silence you hear the truth and know the solutions."
~Deepak Chopra

My emotional gray area is non-existent...

2012-02-05T16:00:00.002-06:00

Over the weekend, I started to feel a little ill. I know some of it is paranoia after being home for 3 days straight with a child suffering from very contagious strep throat. Nevertheless, I felt awful Saturday morning and crawled back under the covers.

As I lay there, I tried to recall exactly when I initially started feeling bad. I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what feeling good felt like. Then I laughed, in spite of myself.

I know me. When I feel an emotion or feeling, I'm ALL IN.

It's like I have no emotional gray area. It's either one way or the other.

When I feel ill, I can't imagine what healthy feels like.

When I feel angry or sad or frustrated, I can't imagine what happy or joyful or at peace feels like.

The same occurs when I feel good, I can't imagine what "bad" feels like.

I get stuck on one side of the wheel and can't get to the other side.

Last week's post where I apologized for coming off as schizophrenic? I think this is exactly why. When I feel really happy and grateful for being with Gentleman Jack, I can't recall what ever made me doubt our relationship. Yet, when I'm feeling doubtful, it's like I've completely forgotten all that makes me happy and grateful about us.

I remember when my ex-husband and I would get into arguments. I would get so upset that I had to leave. He hated that I would leave but I couldn't stand sitting with the discomfort of "not being liked" in that moment. It seemed like that discomfort would go on forever. It completely encompassed me!

What would help me was to remove myself from the situation and find a good feeling to replace the bad feeling. In most cases, I would go see a movie. I love movies because I feel like I can jump into someone else's skin and forget about me for a few hours. So, I'd escape to another life and then come home fine. My husband would be seething but I would be able to handle things better. The movie would help change my perspective. Then, because I changed, stopped trying to force him to see things my way, or forgot why I was upset to begin with, the argument would fade into nothing.

Not exactly healthy, huh? I'm certain this and other things contributed to the many unresolved issues... but that's why we're divorced now.

Gentleman Jack challenges me to stay put, sit with the feeling and try to change my perspective from the inside out. He expects me to listen, just as I expect the same from him. We both wish to be heard but when we're wishing for that, neither of us is listening. It actually takes one of us to recognize our own bullheadedness before things begin to slowly settle down again. One of us softens, anger dissipates and love takes over.

*happy sigh*

I love it when that happens.....

*swoon*

Where was I?

Oh so anyway, it's good that he challenges me to work it out right then and there instead of running away from it. I don't like being uncomfortable but I'd rather face it and feel like we're resolving things than to run away like his feelings don't matter. Sitting with it also reminds me that the bad feeling is temporary... and that's a good thing to remember.

The funny thing is: Why do I have to be reminded that a bad feeling won't last forever... and yet when I feel good, I'm wondering how long the good feeling will last?

Is it just me?

How much attention do you give your Feet?

2012-02-01T21:45:00.000-06:00

That's a helluva question, isn't it?

The reason I ask is because mine are screaming for it.

As some long time readers will recall, I documented training for a triathlon, right here on the blog. It all began when I dated an Ironman triathlete and wondered if I, too, could pull off a multi-sport endurance event. At that point, I was a full-time yogi. Yoga was my strength training. Yoga kept my body healthy. Yoga helped my peace of mind.

But soon, I discovered a love for cycling. I continually challenged myself to find peace in my long swims and recently, I decided to push my running a bit further. Over the course of triathlon becoming my first love, my yoga began to take a back seat. Things also shifted a bit after my tummy tuck surgery but I still made athletic goals to push past it.

Now, I'm limping. I may very well have to take 6 months or even this entire year off of running. I haven't been on the bike in months. Swimming is still possible and especially since we've had such a warm winter. Yet it appears my body is tired of triathlon.

As a single mother, there is only so much time available for training. I wanted to be a better triathlete so I pushed yoga aside and now I'm paying for it.

***

Have you ever massaged your own feet?

In yoga, we were made very aware of our feet. Our feet are our foundation - this is how we root into the earth. Occasionally before class, we would sit and massage our soles and spread our toes. This was soothing for me as I wear high heels every day. (Also not healthy for the feet but momma loves her heels!)

Yoga is done in bare feet. Again, our feet are the foundation of our poses. This is what holds us steady on our mats during challenging asanas or balance poses. All four corners of our feet are being used to give us terra firma, if you will. This practice leads to stronger ankles, knees, hips, spine, shoulders, neck, and head. It allows the energy to flow from the solid ground to the sky above, affecting the way we carry ourselves in the world.

Reflexology tells us that the feet also affect other areas and organs of the body.

The Chinese arts of Qigong and T'ai Chi use the stability of the feet to give flow to their forms. Before movement in any of these arts, we must first learn to find balance on our own two feet.

Beyond all of the ancient beliefs about the power of the feet, did you know that 25% of the bones of your body are in your feet. Can you believe that? Our feet are our shock absorbers, carrying the entire weight of our bodies. Many of us take our feet for granted until our mobility is affected.

Thus the reason for this post.

***

I am suffering from a very common running injury affecting my Piriformis muscle. Quite literally, it is a pain in my ass. It begins in my lower back (the sacral region) and extends through my gluteus maximus down the outside of my leg (I.T. band) and through to my ankle. I am not walking well. Apparently I wasn't running well either, as my running gait, weakness in my hips and feet are what caused the injury.

My running gait can be fixed by relearning how to walk as well. Slowly, deliberately, walking barefoot around my house has become a moving meditation just to increase the awareness of how my foot grips the ground. As I learn that I lean on the outside of my feet (see pronate & supinate), I have found that it's uncomfortable and even painful to walk correctly. This is a practice I will continue, however, to help heal my body.

Weakness in my hips is caused by sitting at a computer all day long. Sitting all day is bad for our bodies, for obvious reasons, so I've also decided to purchase a chair that will help with my posture while I sit at the office all day.

The hip AND foot weakness go back to my lack of yoga as well. Where I used to practice yoga 3-4 times a week, I'm lucky if I'm getting in 1 class every 2 weeks lately. I've said for months that I "should" get back to it and apparently my body is in full agreement.

***

Today's foot anatomy class brought to you by a woman who wants to run like the wind, who wishes to cross more finish lines, and who desires to accomplish all of that with a healthy body, mind and spirit.... preferably without surgery to get me there.

So please, take it from someone who's taken their footsies for granted for far too long:

Give your feet some love.

Beyond pedicures and pretty toe nails, pay attention to how your feet feel. Your body will thank you for it!

I'm not crazy; I'm in a long distance relationship.

2012-01-31T06:05:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I could kick my own ass.

And I do... but still.

When I'm with Gentleman Jack, so much of the goodness and the reasons we got together in the first place rush back to me. I mean, sure, some people will say that long distance relationships allow "only your best face" to show and in some ways, I see their point. In many other ways, however, I beg to differ.

For instance, when you live with someone, you see the good, the bad, the ugly. The awesome thing about living with someone, however, is that all of that good, bad and ugly can be spread out into a week, a month, a year. When you fight, as an example, you can have your space (sleeping on the couch, going to another area of the house) and then as you get over it, you can have makeup sex (THAT NIGHT if you want to) or snuggle up and fall asleep in each others' arms. You don't have to wait 2 weeks or more to hold each other again and say how completely sorry you are for "wasting" that precious time you had together.

Sure, the distance helps you remember how precious that time is but it still takes work to continue to see the good when someone lives 200 miles away.

Remember when Jack said that he thought I intentionally pushed him to the back of my mind when we're apart? Oh my goodness, he's so right. I've noticed I get downright pissy at our situation at times that I write big rants like this one. I don't want to be ranty. I know my rants were more about the unfairness of our situation than the fact that he didn't feel like putting out that ONE weekend. (See? My ass needs kicking.)

If we lived together, one weekend would be nothing. The way our phone calls went after that weekend, we may very well have had sex that night. Long distance didn't give me that option. It only put more pressure on us where there wouldn't have been otherwise.

I get angry at him because he's going through a difficult time. I bitch and moan that he needs to figure his shit out so he can pay attention to MEEEEEEEEE and we can enjoy more fun together and see what our future holds. He has many habits that are self-sabotaging. Then again, ^ ^ ^ ^ ^, apparently so do I.

The really REALLY cool thing about us? One of the things that makes us the US that we love so much? We both have AWARENESS of our self-sabotaging behaviors. The awareness may not be in that moment (whose is?) but it is there.

I may choose to believe that he doesn't understand how he's hurting himself but then I notice he does. I may choose to believe that he doesn't see me as special anymore, but then I notice he does. I may choose to believe that he doesn't like me... but then he shows up, within moments, and reminds me that he sees me, far into a future more beautiful than he can imagine, and he's eternally grateful for whatever forces or whatever good karma brought me to him.

I still pray for less resistance to this love. I still treasure every moment that my eyes are opened to his wonderfulness. I still long for the day that I can hold on to the faith in him, in me, in US, without even trying. I still give thanks for this relationship and, yes, even the *grumble grumble* distance, that allows us both to continue to learn from our own mistakes, figure out how to be whole separately while still supporting and growing ever closer in love.

I'm sorry that this blog makes me appear so schizophrenic. I'm still learning that all that I can control is me and how I react to things. Please know that some of what I write is with fear and some is written with love. I guess we're all kinda like that, aren't we?

Peace among the Chaos

2012-01-30T05:10:00.001-06:00

This post was written almost 2 years ago, sitting in draft from February 2010. Happy post! Yay!

There has been plenty of chaos spinning in my life lately and I'm breathing, allowing, doing what I can to find my peace.

My friend Marie called yesterday to find out how I was doing. She wants to get together this weekend so that she can meet Gentleman Jack.

I went on to explain to her that for the first time in ... well... who knows... I feel content. Yet, there's a tiny little voice that's telling me I shouldn't be.

She knew exactly what I was talking about:

"Its the phantom of the psyche. Its an ego thing. You're feeling centered and zen and there's your ego telling you that you should be spinning, setting goals, moving forward, doing something, ANYTHING, instead of enjoying your stillness."

Its true! Besides moments of weakness or PMS, I honestly feel happy, content, peaceful.

I was struggling with this earlier last month. I was confused at myself for not having goals or expectations. I felt like I was having a major identity crisis.

Then, one day as I was sitting in the backseat of a co-worker's car on the way to lunch, I heard a voice in my head:

"I am content. I am happy. That's why I feel so strange. This is a feeling I'm not used to."

I nearly burst out laughing in the backseat.

I am feeling calm. Even amidst the crisis of major relationship problems with people very close to me. Even amidst Gentleman Jack having his own issues with things that I can't help him with. Even amidst the winter blues.

I feel grateful, supported and loved.

I am not sure how long this feeling with last. It may stay for a while (how wonderful!) or it may be fleeting like my moments of funk.

I want to allow this. I choose to enjoy it. I am going to still create my vision board, from this place of joy.

Even a happy girl can still dream big.

You know when someone doesn't like you? THAT.

2012-01-25T18:57:00.000-06:00

As you all know, I am ever on a quest to rid myself of the things that no longer serve me.

Among those things have been people, relationships, habits, thoughts, beliefs and negative patterns from my past. I've learned that when I feel fearful or even just slightly irritated, there is a block there that is preventing me from experiencing the joy of the moment. Thus, I've been removing blocks, one by one, for a while now and actually feeling lighter and more joyful.

Well, I've stumbled upon another block. It may very well be a reoccurring one. Nonetheless...

I really REALLY don't like when someone doesn't like me.

They could not like me in the moment because they're upset with me. They could not like me because they don't know me. They could not like me because they do know me but still don't like me. (Funny, that last one is a lot easier to let go of.)

***

For instance, when Gentleman Jack and I have an argument, as we did a few weeks ago, my pattern is to leave. I want to run or get as far away from the negativity thrown my direction. It is extremely difficult to handle his anger at me even when, as experience dictates, he gets over things quicker than I do. My need is to defend, to explain, to FORCE him to see my point of view, even when I know we all have differing perceptions. I can't stand it if he's so locked into his in-the-moment perception that he isn't seeing me the way I WANT him to see me. It makes me so crazy that I have to leave... but I'm trying to stay put because walking away makes it so. much. worse.

I'm also still having difficulty communicating with the ex's fiancee. It is so apparent to me that she takes what I say so much differently than how I meant it. In most cases when I pick up the girls from them, I feel all eck for the rest of the night. I can't even put my finger on it except to say she just doesn't like me. I can just TELL and it makes me feel completely awful.

"We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior."

***

Pema Chodron tells a story of being on a long bus ride with a woman who didn't like her at all. Pema had a difficult time knowing the woman couldn't stand her so she overcompensated in an attempt to win the woman over. She was overly kind. She was overly smiley. She was overly complimentary. Nothing worked. Instead she had to endure a days long bus ride with a woman who couldn't stand her presence. She said she felt she'd rather endure death that stay on that bus. That is how difficult it was to sit with the feeling of being "not liked".

That's how I feel sometimes. Like I'd rather endure ANYTHING than being in a space with someone who doesn't like me. I'm trying to sit with it, dig down in it and figure out why. I've been noticing things, here and there, that are giving me clues. Still, though, I wait to figure this out as it is certainly no longer serving me.

***

Today in yoga, the teacher asked us to place a sock filled with tennis balls under our backs in an area that needed release. Of course the place I carry stress is my shoulders and so I, very gingerly, laid down on the tennis balls/makeshift massage tool. Ouchie. It wasn't comfortable and in moments, it hurt like hell.

"Recognize the discomfort," she advised, "and remember this: The pain is only temporary. Like everything else, it will pass. Breathe into it and see if you can find relief instead of discomfort."

She may be onto something.

Does the Childhood Home Affect Relationship Choices?

2012-01-24T17:59:00.001-06:00

As I left my house this morning, I realized that we've been living there nearly 4 years. When I was married, we lived in only 2 other homes and for extended periods of time.

I love my house.

True, there are things I'd like to fix or change but I still feel like it was a great investment in a great neighborhood. I can see myself staying there for a while.

Then, there are thoughts of moving. Would I move to Louisiana to be with my man? I doubt it but the thought is there. Could I, eventually, at some point? When the kids are older? Maybe? Would I sell my house? I don't know.

And then there are thoughts of travel. Eventually I would love to travel more. I would love to spend weeks or months in other locations. I'm not sure when that would happen but again, the thought is there. Even then, would I sell my house? I don't know.

I started thinking about my childhood. I grew up in the same house from the time I was a toddler until I left home and moved to Texas. My parents sold the house after they divorced. I was in my 20's. Even still, when you ask my brother or sister where "home" was, we'd all agree it was that house. Even when we dream, we all still dream of that house. We were comfortable there. Settled. It was home base for years.

I also recall conversations with Soldier, my ex. His was a family that moved pretty consistently. I believe he told me he went to 5 different high schools. To him, he said, it was an adventure. His mother always reassured them that way. It would be a new adventure and so they enjoyed it. He's continued living that lifestyle to this day.

Which brought to mind the next thought... settling down. I think, because I grew up that way, I enjoy that feeling of being settled down and comfortable. Yes, I still have wanderlust and love to travel. I got that from my dad and grandfather. But I still crave a home base. I think I crave that in relationships too. I love to move about, be social, have my carefree moments of fun... but I love the security of home base. I feel that feeling when I'm in my man's arms.

When I recall Soldier, however, he was ever searching... unwilling to stay put for very long before he was ever seeking a new adventure.

I wonder if this is a normal case with those who grew up moving about from town to town. I only know of his particular story so I use him as an example. I wonder, is it something that begins from that sort of childhood background?

Which then leads me to question.... am I doing the right thing by giving my daughters a home base? And what would happen if we were to decide to move?

An Examination of Marriage: Success

2012-01-23T06:55:00.000-06:00

I'm cleaning out old drafted posts that were never published for some reason or another. This one (written in late July 2010) was part of the series on examining my thoughts about marriage. The previous post was An Examination of Marriage: Why?. Click on the marriage label for other posts.

I cannot recommend Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed enough for those struggling with this idea of marriage. Not only does she fully examine her own fears, she also covers the history of marriage and how marriage is viewed in other societies. She discusses how marriage affects women and men. She not only dove deep into research, which I happen to love, she also examined her own relationship with her fiancé/now husband.

That was my favorite part.

You see, in her descriptions, I saw myself and my Gentleman. The way I relate to her so well, her antidotes and examinations of her own man sounded as if we were with very nearly the same man!

As I did my own research on her research, I also came across various articles expressing advice on successful marriages.

For instance:

This article: The Three Pillars For A Successful Marriage - which states that all marriages should be built on Integrity, Respect and Endurance.

This article: The Three C's of a Successful Marriage - Commitment, Communication, Caring

And this one with it's own Three C's - Communication, Compromise, Creativity

And yet another with Three C's - Communication, Compromise, Commitment

You get the general idea, right?

All in all, I have found that a healthy relationship, marriage, friendship, partnership, parenthood, etc, is definitely based on honest, mutual, understanding, caring, listening, respect and trust. In order to follow through with this list of demands, myself, and the person with whom I partner, must come to the table as whole as possible, understanding the others' expectations and misgivings, as well as their own.

It is an opportunity to look at yourself, beautiful and ugly all at once, and recognize yourself as part of something bigger than yourself. There will be sacrifice, of course, but only if you wish to view it as such. If the perceived "sacrifice" is seen as a selfless investment into a partnership that takes you further and higher than you could have gone alone, then it really isn't a sacrifice at all, is it?

Coincidentally, looking back at the breakdown of my own marriage, I can see many lessons I've learned as well.

I choose not to break down a wall of the private relationship with my partner to allow a window with someone else.

Ah leave it up to A Course in Miracles and the wonderful teachers in my life to point out the obvious regarding my obsessing on the marriage decision: Do it or don't do it, you will find peace either way, if you choose it.

Peace is ALWAYS with you, if you choose it. And that which you think will disturb your peace can also bring you peace if you change the purpose you assign to it.

It's all up to me.

The Denying of the Sex

2012-01-18T10:07:00.000-06:00

I'd love to say that despite the uncomfortable weekend, my man and I found a moment to be intimate, had fantastic make-up sex, or got so angry that we sweated our way through a grudge fuck.

*sigh* If only...

Remember that I said depression is a fierce bitch? And you remember how hardheaded I am when I'm pouty?

Yeah, neither of those are the sexiest.

We both wanted sex. I was in one mood and he was in another. I wanted one thing and he wanted another. We were on limited time so one of us would have to break. The way he was feeling, I knew it'd be up to me to initiate.

Dammit.

I didn't effin feel like initiating... It's too much of a close reminder of my marital sex life. Typically, I don't mind being the initiator with my man. I know from our history that when I start things, it's ON. And much of the time, he initiates too. It ~~comes~~ happens naturally. But not when he's in THIS kind of mood.

One thing I've learned about depression, it isn't motivating or a turn on.

Continuing my stubbornness, I said *I* wasn't in the mood.

And it PISSED HIM OFF.

I dunno what to say. Maybe I wanted him to get mad enough to just take me like the bad girl I was.

'Cept, I forget, he can be damn hardheaded too. And what I said about depression not equaling the sex? Yeah. THAT.

Worst of all, he felt DENIED.

You see... I do not ever, EVER deny sex. Sex, to me, is as precious as relishing a truffle, hearing your favorite song on the radio at just the right time, watching a breathtaking sunset with the one you love, standing with my feet in the ocean on a warm summer's day or by the light of a full moon... Sex is not anything that I want to miss or take for granted. I've learned too much about myself sexually, post-divorce, to let the opportunity pass me by. Besides, I also know how I am when I don't get the sex.

Yes, I know how men hate when us girls use the terms "always" or "never". This time, however, when I said to him, "You're pissed because I said 'no' to sex and you know that I NEVER do that", he didn't disagree with me.

I've known too many men whose wives denied them a healthy sex life.

I've also known many women who've said the same. I get it. I certainly try not to take it personally... when it happened for so long while married. It happens so rarely with him that when it does, I understand the reasons.

However when I said 'no', he took it personally. It hurt his feelings. And THAT pissed ME off. My ex-husband did the same when I ultimately stopped initiating (due to exhaustion with a toddler and newborn - forget the fact that I wanted sex every day while pregnant and he wouldn't touch me). It contributed to the demise of our already deteriorating marriage. The fact that my man got so upset worried me and left me to ponder:

Why is it okay for a man to say no to sex but not a woman?

Discuss.

Relationship Insights from my brilliant "Step" Son

2012-01-17T11:46:00.000-06:00

The parting with my Gentleman on Sunday wasn't a happy one.

We'd had a rough weekend where we weren't meeting halfway at all. After some pretty heavy discussion that morning, I'll admit it: I was ready to go home.

Standing in his driveway to say our goodbyes, I noticed his teen son hanging around. The boy had already hugged me goodbye but he appeared to be lingering longer than normal. I wasn't surprised, about an hour into my trip home, when Gentleman Jack texted that his son had heard most of our conversation... and wanted to talk to me about it.

Mind you, I'd been praying ACTIVELY since I woke up that morning for some message of calm. My heart was heavy when I drove away. I wasn't sure if it would be the last time I'd be driving away. (See where my mind goes? Again, much work for me to do.)

I called Jack's son. And he schooled me.

"I heard Dad saying that if you needed something (he didn't hear) to be happy then maybe he's not the man for you. And then I heard you agree with him. Y'all don't need to be saying that to each other. I KNOW you love each other and to say that is just not nice. Y'all need to find a way to compromise. That's what people who love each other do."

This is tough. We were in Jack's room behind closed doors. And we weren't yelling. We were sitting on the bed, holding hands, looking into each others' eyes. I was begging for some sort of promise that everything would be okay as we build a family together into the future. He was telling me that he couldn't focus on a future when he could barely make it through today. He said to focus on something he doesn't have now only brings him down in the current moment.

I was begging him for hope. I was trying to find something strong to hold on to because the idea of "we" felt so weak in that moment.

"Miss T," his son continued, "I know you want hope but sometimes hope is a luxury. When we're having a hard time and we've been through hard times... it's tough to believe in hope. I know that's who you are and that's why we love having you in our lives. You bring us hope. But sometimes, life just is what it is. And hope seems far far away."

I was begging for hope because there have been times where I feel like I'm the one with hope that things will get better for him... and he just can't move past the frustrations of the moment. I will seek positive. I will seek a way out of the puzzle. It's just how my mind functions and how I've survived things. I put dreams out there to focus on because that's how I make them come true. I generally believe there's a solution, a way out, and I will fight like mad to make things happen. I've been intimate with fear and dammit, I do what I can to see through it to possibility.

He reiterated that was exactly what they all loved about me. He reminded me of how much his dad and I smile when we're together. He told me that none of them - him, his brother, Jack's mom - could imagine a life without me in it. He'd just completed a holiday project at school last month where, in the space labeled "mom", he put a picture of me.

"This is how Daddy loves you. He only wants to protect you. He may put up walls when he's going through a hard time but that's because he wants to be strong for you and protect you from his hurt. That's when you need to drill down those walls. He wants to know you'll always be there.

"To him, you're the sword in the stone. He wants to know you'll be that steady and true. And he wants to be the only Arthur who can remove it."

Wow, really?

I was in tears with this boy. I love his big sensitive heart. I jokingly asked, "Is your dad paying you to say all of this?"

"Miss T, I can't even tell you where this stuff is coming from."

But I knew. And I thanked him for being the conduit for just what I needed to hear.

Fighting: Depression is a Fierce Bitch

2012-01-16T08:40:00.002-06:00

I had to wait until this morning to blog. If I would have blogged last night... well, let's just say I wouldn't have had a single nice thing to say about this past weekend. But I know me. I know how when my Sicilian is showing. Thus, I decided to sleep on it and wake up with clearer thoughts. Here goes.

This past weekend was the Worst. Weekend. Ever.

How clear was that?

In all honesty, it wasn't the actual worst but there were some pretty bad moments. I think it began the night before I left when my Gentleman said to me, "Don't expect much of me this weekend. I have (insert financial worry) on my mind and I'll be belly aching about it all weekend. Oh and I won't be cleaning house. And, I may not even be here when you arrive."

Um... gee. Sounds like I have every reason to drive over RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND! /end sarcasm

Now, you all know how awesome my guy is. I gush on and on about how good he is to me. He really is. So much so that I took his "warning" with a grain of salt. Which I shouldn't have... because I know how depressed he gets with financial worries. He's nearly non-functional. Still, we make each other smile so I thought it'd be okay.

It wasn't.

He actually wasn't there when I arrived. Now, I was prepared for this because I was warned. I also knew what he was doing was putting food on the table for his family. What I didn't expect was a miscommunication about when he would actually be home. And thus began the weekend of "T doesn't feel very wanted or special and so I'm going to be the bellyache-r now."

He and I had a huge blow out which began Friday night, was put on pause all day Saturday, and continued Sunday morning into the entire day. Funny enough, however, we still did it with love. I was proud of both of us. When I knew he was at his wits end, he didn't fall into his nasty old patterns and I didn't either (but it was damn close enough that I wanted to). Even when I gave him ample ammunition to hurl insults at the girlfriend who's not special at all, he still reminded me that I was.

And that's what it became - a fight for specialness.

I was begging him to remind me that I'm special enough to be there for and that he's not thrown me in the bucket of those that don't allow him to be HIM. I want to be different and better than the rest. I want to be worth more to him. I think that's why I reacted so strongly when he commented that I was upset because he wasn't "waiting for me" when I arrived and also when he appeared to "turn his back to me" while I was speaking. (That's an old pattern of my ex-husband who would actually leave the room when I was speaking to him about nearly anything.)

I translated his nonchalance at my arrival into "who do you think YOU are??!" and assumed he didn't see me as special enough to make preparations for. (By the way, the house was immaculate when I arrived... including some preparations he only does for me. *sigh*)

He also begged for me to see him as someone special enough to stay with, love, be patient with during these depressed times, not deem him a horrible person (and I said he wasn't, despite how he feels during his anger. I do that too.)

A Course in Miracles says we're all fighting to be "special"... forgetting our grandeur in hopes for grandiosity instead. (Which is basically choosing our ego wants rather than accepting our spiritual place.)

Oprah says all that we want from each other is to be validated, "are you really seeing me?" (Which, yes, can be viewed from an ego standpoint. Or not... if we're REALLY seeing each other beyond the external.)

Pema Chodron says, "fear reminds us where we're stuck."

And that was it. I wasn't feeling special (from my ego's point of view). Ok, I can see where I need to work on that (from my spirit's point of view). I wasn't feeling validated. He couldn't "see" me because he's not even "seeing" himself right now. Depression is fierce that way. He's not recognizing his own worth and thus feels he has nothing but negative balance to show for it (financially, emotionally and otherwise). I also have to take responsibility for my own "not seeing" this weekend. I was only ego pitting myself against ego. That's a losing battle from the get-go. The "fear" that I was feeling was that we're doomed, done for, finished. We've lost what held us together.

Which reminds me that I'm stuck. I'm assuming a little unsteadiness deems us as over? Really? I have to sit with that. I have to sit with the discomfort of "stuck" and allow this feeling for a little while until it passes.

Then I have lots of work to do.

Loads of PRAYERS needed

2012-01-13T08:47:00.000-06:00

Please read these posts by my friend Nicki...

My First Night Home

When it rains, Dreamers dance in it

She, her preemie baby and her family all need continued prayers. Please spread the word on your Facebook pages and with your tweets.

Thank you! We love you Nicki!

When Things Fall Apart

2012-01-12T07:40:00.002-06:00

A few months ago, a friend (who is going through a very difficult time) gave me a copy of a book that she was reading. The book is called When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron.

I love Pema Chodron but have yet to read one of her books. I set this one aside for when I was going through a difficult time. I'm feeling very happy with my life at the moment.

Then one day, I decided to pick up this book and see what it was about. Hey, as it turns out... everything is always falling apart... then falling together... then falling apart again.

That's the impermanence of the human condition, isn't it?

Let me just give a few quotes, chapter titles and tidbits that have stuck out from this book and you can decide if it or Chodron's teachings are for you.

***

Regarding beginning a spiritual journey via the many means available to us, Chodron says, "Any of these approaches might hook us and fuel our enthusiasm to explore further, but if we want to go beneath the surface and practice without hesitation, it is inevitable that we will experience fear."

She tells us that we must get "intimate with fear" because "Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."

If we become intimate with fear, which again is part of the human experience, instead of what we usually do, "sweeten it up, smooth it over, take a pill or distract ourselves", we are more likely to build courage.

"Usually we think brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate with fear."

Those are the people who feel the fear and do it anyway.

"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."

"Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all."

"Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know."

"The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that's really swell. In fact, that way of looking at things is what keeps us miserable."

Isn't it true? Always looking ahead instead of being present keeps us continually dissatisfied with where we are.

She goes on to explain that the most profound spiritual experience she had was when her husband told her he was having an affair. I could relate to her because it was the exact same experience for me.

"I knew that annihilation of my old dependent, clinging self was the only way to go."

"This very moment," she says, "is the perfect teacher..."

We run from the moments where we're "nailed by life"... "the place where you have no choice except to embrace what's happening or push it away." We run, distract ourselves, or do whatever other means necessary so "we don't have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we cannot manipulate the situation to make us come out looking fine."

She encourages meditation, becoming intimate with fear, obstacles and impermanence, and treating yourself with loving kindness, as a sort of "shock absorber" (my term) for life.

"What we call obstacles are really the way the world and our entire experience teach us where we're stuck." (Ohmigosh, this is so true!)

She asks us to make friends with what is. She goes on to cover more Buddhist Dharmas, principles and teachings.

Throughout the book, we learn how to be compassionate with ourselves, which "widens the circle of compassion."

"Only in an open, nonjudgmental space can we acknowledge what we are feeling. Only in an open space where we're not all caught up in our own version of reality can we see and hear and feel who others really are, which allows us to be with them and communicate with them properly."

"We think that by protecting ourselves from suffering we are being kind to ourselves. The truth is, we only become more fearful, more hardened, and more alienated. We experience ourselves as being separate from the whole. Yet when we don't close off and we let our hearts break, we discover our kinship with all beings."

***

The friend who gave me this book asked me, "What makes your suffering so special?" It was a question asked of her recently as well.

In other words, we all have our battles, as Plato once said.

Can we allow ourselves to feel the wounds of our battles? Can we be okay with what we're feeling and why? Can we trust the perfection of the moment and how though things appear to be falling apart, they're also falling together? Can we allow others their own suffering, without the need to control or fix, so they too can find their own peace within the chaos?

These are all questions I've had since ending my own marriage. I've dealt with the not knowing. I've become too familiar with impermanence. I've more recently learned to allow my own feelings.

She's teaching me to remove judgment, something else I've learned from A Course in Miracles. She's teaching me to allow, for myself and others. She's teaching me to embrace the discomforts of the human experience, change my mind about things, find a way to be with love towards myself and others.

This journey is simple and painfully difficult. I appreciate Chodron's insights. It feels nice to have yet another remind me that it's okay for me to be Me... however or whomever I am in this perfect moment.

Tough Discipline... with Love Added

2012-01-10T10:38:00.000-06:00

Over the holiday break, when my children were with their father, they got into really bad trouble. I'll spare you the details but let's just say that both my ex-husband, his almost-wife (a term coined by our youngest), and the kids were all very upset by the whole thing.

The ex-husband was trying something new. He was trying to follow through on his threatened disciplinary actions. I'd mentioned this to him weeks before during a discussion where I commented that I thought our children were really great kids and he disagreed with me. (I won't even tell you how upset that made me.) We both agreed on one thing, however: they act completely differently with him than they do with me.

So when the big bad "event" happened, he naturally threatened grounding and restrictions. In an attempt to follow through, however, the children still did not take him seriously and broke the restrictive rules again. He was livid. They were an absolute mess of bawling and begging to come home. My littlest one even suggested that "Daddy and his almost wife just don't understand how our brains work like you do."

*crack* Yeah, my heart broke on that one.

I had to then have a discussion with the girls reminding them that their father was right in reprimanding them. (Though I would have been even tougher.) I then had to explain to him that he was doing the right thing but that he could still offer love to them as well. He was perplexed.

***

I've written about Love and Logic before. It is a strict but loving parenting technique where children learn from the consequences of their own mistakes. The parent, instead of joyously celebrating an "I told you so!", lovingly empowers the child that "yes, the consequences suck but how wonderful that you now know better!"

It is not always easy to follow and I am not always good at following it.

However, I do have to say that even after my children have been reprimanded, I will still allow them to sit with me and cry or be held and nurtured, while holding firm to the discipline as well. Thus, they seem to be really great children with me. Grateful. Loving. Kind. Respectful. Responsible. Happy.

I may not always know what I'm doing as a mother but I do try to set a good example, allow the girls to be who they are and respond to their needs. Yes I get angry but I will also put myself in time outs if I cannot control my temper. Yes I get frustrated with bad choices they make but I also emphasize that I'm not perfect either. Live and learn - like we're ALL doing.

***

I've had this same conversation with Gentleman Jack. He seems to understand it, when helping my children. He is a wonderful disciplinarian and still so loving to them as well. With his own children, however, he gets lost in the forest. He gets so frustrated that I often wonder if he believes that their failures are his own.

After a particularly disappointing evening with his children, I again tried to encourage him to allow them their mistakes, failures and consequences. Again, he grew frustrated with me.

"You can say all of that because they aren't your children! Just wait until one of YOUR kids does the same. Let's hear your talk about letting them fail then!"

Oh my, he was not in a good place. I had all sorts of suggestions and advice floating around in my mind. But then, just as I have handled conflicts with my children, I apologized to him for offering advice when he just wanted me to listen. I allowed him his frustration and disappointment. Instead of forcing my idea of what I believed he should do, I let him be, to see for himself, to logically learn on his own.

And I loved him through it.

Conversations with a 10 year old

2012-01-09T13:35:00.004-06:00

My youngest daughter was sleeping over at a friend's house (her first sleepover ever) so I spent yesterday hanging out with my oldest daughter. Her brain never stops! Here are a few random conversations:

***

T: So, I was thinking since it's just you and me, that we could go to church this morning. You remember the church you liked on Christmas Eve?
Child 1: Eh, I don't really want to go to church.
T: I hear you. But I like to go feel connected to God, you know? I like hearing what the pastor says. It inspires me and makes me feel good.
Child 1: Mom, you and anyone else can choose to be connected to God or feel good anytime. You don't need church for that.

***

T: (while we went through clothes that didn't fit anymore) Awww, look at this?! Do you remember when your sister used to wear this? She's getting too big too fast! What are we gonna do about that?
Child 1: Awwww! She was so little and cute! Can't we just put her in a box and shrink her small again??

***

Child 1: (after letting out a rather large sound from her rear end and then a giggle) Sorry, Mom. I'm gassy today.
(pause)
Wouldn't it be cool if there was a fart language?

***

Child 1: Mom, I noticed you were confused as to where to meet dad the other day when you picked us up. How did that happen?
T: (after explaining my side of the conversation with her father) So now, do you get why I thought he meant somewhere else?
Child 1: Yeah, I can see that. He was pretty irritated when you weren't there. Then again, he's irritated most of the time.
T: Well, he didn't use to be that way. I married a happy guy. I'm not sure when he became a grumpy old man.
Child 1: Really? Maybe he just became that way after having kids.
T: Oh baby, don't you ever think that!!!! He was grumpy way before having children.
(pause)
Child 1: Is Gentleman Jack ever grumpy?

***

Child 1: (at various times during the day) I miss my sister.

***

T: Do you know how lucky you are to have a sister that you adore and she loves you too? You guys get along so much better than I did with my sister.
Child 1: Most of the time...

***

Child 1: (at other various times) Mommy, I love you. Very much.

***

Child 1: (after we picked up her sister who was very grouchy from not sleeping well at her friend's house) Can we take her back to her friend's? She's really no fun to be around at all.

***

Once we had my youngest child home, I put them to task cleaning their room. There was much frustration, crying and tantrum throwing that one was doing more work than the other. Then, after about 20 minutes, I heard laughing and peace.

T: What happened? Whoa! This room looks great y'all!
Child 2: Well, my big sister was crying about going through this part of our room so I told her I'd clean it all by myself. Then she helped by cleaning the other parts.

***

Then, at bedtime, with both happy children tucked into their beds in a nice clean room, they both told me how much they loved me. And I was grateful at how much they loved each other too.

Realizations from a Flirtatious Encounter

2012-01-05T08:21:00.001-06:00

I made a new acquaintance recently. A very handsome, outgoing, athletic and positive man whom I enjoyed being around during the minimal amounts of time we spent together. I enjoyed talking to him and hearing his outlooks on things.

Then, one day, I realized he was flirting with me. And I, out of complete habit, was flirting back. Eh, I didn't think much of it. I'm a flirt, born and bred. I flirt without even realizing I'm flirting. I've been that way my adult life and never thought much of it... until I realized that it's gotten me into more trouble than it's worth.

This particular day, I drove home feeling a bit disturbed by the flirting. In the moment, I didn't recognize it. However, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to go home and take a shower.

This man is married.

Now, the "old T", you know the one that had an affair? She would have felt pretty powerful that a handsome, charming (and unavailable) man deemed her sexy enough to flirt with.

This time? I was pretty irritated with it.

It was a HUGE realization for me. Well, there were several realizations, truth be told...

I was deeply disturbed that a married man would flirt so obviously with me. What would his wife think if she saw such behavior? Especially when I inquired about his wife and he dismissed her as if she didn't exist. Such disrespect! If he disrespects his own wife, I doubt he'll treat me with respect either.
Just because someone is flirting with me doesn't validate me as sexy, beautiful or anything special at all. And quite honestly, I'm so filled up with self-validation and love from the wonderful man in my life that I don't feel the need to seek attention from any other.
I am proud of myself for recognizing that I overstepped my boundary again (mindlessly flirting back) and for putting said boundary back into place (by addressing the issue with him later).
I am also very proud for recognizing the shallow behavior as that: shallow. The old me would have felt that "attention", no matter what little crumbs they were, meant "worth" and "love". That's how I ended up in unfulfilled relationships with unavailable men where I longed for more attention.
I am truly, TRULY happy with who I am now and the love with which I've surrounded myself.

That's HUGE, y'all.

If you've been reading here a while, all through the relationship with Soldier, the recovery from that, the healing that had to take place while examining my sexuality and beliefs about monogamy, my struggles with codependency, this is a big step for me.

I'd like to thank that guy for flirting with me... if only just to appreciate the person that I am now.

Intention: Less Resistance, More Love

2012-01-03T13:16:00.001-06:00

Sunday night, I curled up to sleep in a big ole lonely bed. Gentleman Jack texted me that he didn't even want to go to bed because he would feel so sad that I wasn't there. We were apart again after 5 wonderful nights sleeping side-by-side.

GJ made a comment to me a while back that reverberates in my mind now...

"I think you keep yourself busy and occupied, even avoiding talking in depth to me, in an effort to push aside how difficult it is for us to spend time apart."

I think he may be on to something.

I'll admit, I do "forget" what it's like when we're together. It's almost... unreal... how well we fit together, even when we don't. We have faced some very real things together - financial issues, co-parenting, past relationship fears - and even when we disagree, it's still good. Maybe pushing it aside is my sub-conscious way of dealing with it.

Even now, on my first day back at work in the new year, there is a very real part of me that wants to linger in the feelings of being nurtured and adored. It is a pretty awesome (and even that's an understatement) feeling to hear the man you love say, "Life just feels more complete when I'm with you." Simply typing that statement brings flutters to my midsection.

But yes, there is a practical side of me that says, "Ok, just a few more weeks. Now buckle down and get your stuff done. You have bills to pay, laundry to do, household items that need tending, meetings to attend, clients to check on, children to feed and care for..." Thus, the thoughts of him are shoved aside for the needs right in front of me. That's how I'm supposed to be though, right?

I can't sit and pine all day longing to be held again in his big strong arms. I can't cry when I'm washing the dishes and he doesn't wrap me up from behind, moving my long hair aside and kissing the back of my neck. I can't step outside of my shower in disappointment because he's not standing there, holding my soft warm robe. I can't be upset that I'm handling life on my own... when just a few days ago, he was cooking dinner every night for me and our blended family and I had the luxury of warming up during the chilly nights by sliding into the nook of his arm. I have to put on my big girl panties and get on with it, don't I?

Still, I do recognize that we both resist the goodness of what we have in some form or another. It scares us. Just as many people will "wait for the other shoe to drop" when something good happens, he and I both wonder if we could maintain this goodness in an every-single-day-togetherness kind of way.

The loneliness of being apart is fresh and tenable right now. The feeling leaves me with an intention for us for the new year:

I pray that whatever resistance or fears that either of us have that is keeping us apart, physically or emotionally, finds some resolution soon.

I truly believe that if we can break down even more walls, we could grow even closer and closer still. Maybe over the course of 2012, we will dare to even imagine a life together. Thus far, it's been too painful to think about.

We never suspected we would feel this way, enjoy such love, find such pleasure in relationship. I have to believe that life holds ever more pleasant surprises for us.

Happy New Year.

What intentions or goals have you set for 2012?

Random Post-Holiday Thoughts

2011-12-27T16:27:00.002-06:00

Just a quick update...

If you'll recall, I was fighting an illness last week that had me down for the count. Because it was the end of year at work and the holidays, I didn't have much time to rest. Now, due to a tired immune system, I'm ill with a sinus infection. I literally feel like I'm floating outside of my body. That feeling isn't conducive with the amount of business I still have to finish before the end of the year. I've been keeping up with my wellness arsenal... but could still use more downtime.

Infection Weapon

Even though my children were downright mean to each other on Christmas Eve morning, and after Mommy threatened to keep Santa far, FAR away.... that evening and Christmas morning was pretty wonderful. We were able to see friends and family, open gifts and have a nice meal before their father picked them up mid-day on Christmas. I was completely spent when they left and yet the house still felt really sad after they were gone. I guess I get used to the chaos and miss it when it's quiet.

My girls & I snuggled up on Christmas Eve

Christmas night, I slept for 12 hours. Um... guess I needed it.

Looks sooo comfy

My mom bought me a Vitamix for Christmas. I seriously plan to add even more whole foods to my diet with this thing. Do you know I can make soup AND heat it up in this thing? Dude. If I could marry it, I would.

Best Smoothies Ever!

My man is coming to see me for my birthday and through New Year's. I'm so excited to have him here to celebrate with me. We won't have too big of a New Year's Eve, though, because I'll have the kids starting that afternoon. Until then though, and when I start to feeling better, HUBBA HUBBA. At least we'll have semi-alone time until then. His teen son can entertain himself.

Nuff Said.

My youngest daughter is having a birthday next month too. She's asking that her party guests donate money to a charity instead of gifts. Proud. Mommy. Moment.

They want to make a better world.

I'm very excited that my Saints won the NFC South last night and Drew Brees clinched an unbelievable passing yards season record. It was an inspired moment to watch. And he's such a good guy!

Drew Dat!

I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be a busy year filled with much greatness. When I can think more clearly, I'll write about it.

How about y'all? Did everyone else have a great holiday break?