Life as a Guinea Pig

Phase 2: Clinic Visit 3 (Lexapro plus "mystery pill")

2009-01-12T11:10:00.000-08:00

I guess I haven't told you guys how my clinic visits have changed since I got randomized and put in phase 2 of this study.

Well, I have had 3 of them so far, and they've gone about the same way:

1. Fill out forms I filled out for phase 1, plus a whole new set of forms that ask some different questions and have me rate different things (different side effects, mood effects, pain levels, etc.).
2. Sit with Research Assistant (been seeing Research Guy lately for some reason) and they ask me the same set of questions as from Phase 1, plus a whole new set of questions about different side effects (like the twitching....weeeee!).
3. Sit with RN to talk about how I am doing on the medicine and tell them about any side effects I am having as well.
4. Have my blood pressure/pulse rate taken and step on the scale for a nice dose of weight loss motivation.

I also had another EKG at my 2nd clinic visit, but they said I won't have to have another one of those til right before Phase 3.

So I had one of these visits today, and basically they want me to keep doing what I am doing and just see how it goes. twitching is getting less intense, but dizziness is still pretty intense for a few hours, so hopefully they both go away. SOON.

I'm still waking up at 8:30...which is fun. Also, last night I lay down for a nap at about 4:30, set my alarm for 6....and woke up at 1:30am. yup. also fun.

Beginning to wonder if all this crap is worth it (even though I haven't felt depressed in like 2 weeks). I'll give it a few more weeks to see if things even out.

weight: 201 (*sigh*)
depression symptoms: a little bit irritable with people...
possible medication side effects: twitching, dizziness, blurry vision, erratic sleep patterns

Equillibrium

2009-01-09T22:33:00.001-08:00

So I have been taking 1 pill a day for a week now. It's kind of evened things out. I still start twitching a little about an hour or so before I'm supposed to take my pill, and still get a bit blurry and dizzy a couple of hours after I take my pill, but between when the dizziness stops and the twitching begins I feel pretty good. My mood is a TON better than before the mystery pill. Motivation is a lot better, too.

I've been gaining weight. But that could be due to the copious amounts of stuffing, green bean casserole, and mashed potatoes and gravy I ate over the holidays. Not to mention any game playing snacks. So I'm trying to regulate my diet and see if I start losing weight again. At least the holiday weight.

Sleeping has been really weird. My body keeps waking me up at like 8am. no matter when I go to sleep. Which is fine if I went to sleep at 10...but if I go to sleep at 2am and wake up at 8...not so much.

Anyways, I have a 7:45am staff meeting tomorrow so I need to get to sleep. Just wanted to update while I was thinking about it.

Twitching revisited

2009-01-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

Started twitching again today around 11:30 or so...

just took my pill for today, so hopefully it will stop in a couple of hours.

It's kind of disturbing to me that I started twitching sooner after my last pill than last time.

good times

2008-12-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

almost exactly 2 hours after I took the pill, the twitching stopped.

dizziness has returned a bit, but it's much better than the twitching.

*sigh*

withdrawl part 2

2008-12-31T14:23:00.000-08:00

Been on and off the phone with RL since major twitches/general feeling like crappiness started.

She just called me back with male nurse to give me a game plan.

Just took 1 dose of "mystery pill" (although I feel like it's not such a mystery anymore).

Going to pay close attention to myself for the next couple of hours to see if twitches end/lessen and if dizziness or anything else returns.

Take another dose tomorrow (so 1 a day instead of 2 a day basically).

Call them back on Friday.

what a way to ring in the new year.

will probably be back with more later today.

Withdrawl?!? wtf!?

2008-12-31T13:57:00.000-08:00

This is me. twitching uncontrollably. feeling like utter shit. nauseous. twitching. freaking out. hot and cold at the same time.

Keep in mind that I am trying to sit completely still during that entire video.

I'm gonna go ahead and guess that I wasn't on placebo.

either that, or something else is going majorly wrong with me about 27 hours since taking my last mystery pill.

this. sucks. big. time.

Dizziness.

2008-12-31T11:16:00.000-08:00

Dizziness so severe that I had to leave work early. It's been pretty consistent the past week or so, but seeming to get worse.

Called RL. Stopping mystery drug for 2 days to see if symptoms clear up. If they do, then I restart the drug in two days and see if they come back. If they come back, we know for sure it's mystery drug causing them. If not...who the hell knows.

*sigh* trading depression for severe dizziness. good stuff.

Mystery Pill Miracle?

2008-12-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

If this is placebo, then I guess I'm a big fat placebo effect sucker.

This week has been pretty phenomenal. I went to Mississippi for Christmas (which I normally hate) and actually had a pretty good time. Was interested in helping some little cousins "learn" how to crouchet. Got a sewing machine for Christmas and have been interested in learning how to follow patterns/sewing directions and have made two bags already. Went shopping a couple of times, and actually found the schedule to fill out the paperwork to sign my puppy up for obedience classes (which I got a gift certificate for). And I have been feeling happy. geniuinely happy. or I guess "medicinally induced" happy.

I've had some sinus stuff going on, so it's been hard to gauge weather or not I have had side effects. So pressure between my eyes, blurry vision, tiredness, headache, etc, could be side effects of the medicine, or could be par for the course of winter sinus ridiculousness.

Jitteryness and easy bruising definitely have nothing to do with the sinus stuff though.

So I guess I just report all this junk to RL tomorrow (is my appointment tomorrow? must check) and see what she thinks.

So Christmas miracle? or Mystery Pill miracle?

I guess we'll see.

I'm Randomized!!

2008-12-21T12:29:00.001-08:00

So it happened Wednesday. I got randomized! I am now officially on a drug that in all reality I don't know what the little plastic capsules contain. It could either be placebo, or it could be Ziprasidone (aka Geodon). I'm hope hope hoping that it's the real stuff, and that it is magical.

But I'm also trying to remain skeptical about it being the real stuff, in hopes that being somewhat skeptical will reduce the placebo effect? It makes sense in my head, which is where this stuff is supposed to be working, so that's a start, right?

My cousin asked me over lunch today how they measure if it's working. "Is it subjective?" I kind of looked at her funny and said "well, I suppose it is, because depression is pretty subjective anyways, isn't it? There's really not a way to measure it." So I told her about the questionnaires and such that I fill out every week. yes, subjective. but depression is feeling. it's not a number on a scale, or a count of something in my blood. It's not a "positive" or "negative" on a strip dipped in urine. It's how I feel minute to minute, day to day, week to week. But it's still real.

Speaking of blood and urine...getting randomized means somebody had to check that stuff out to make sure there wasn't something physical causing depression symptoms. I'm not exactly sure what kind of physical stuff does cause depressions symptoms, but whatever it is I guess I don't have it. I got to have an EKG and lab work done to prove it.

I also got to have the most.awkward.physical.ever. There are three nurse practitioners that I see, one each week just depending on whose schedule fits when I am scheduled to come in. Two of them are women, who are nice and professional about everything, though not as nice as RL. Then there is guy nurse. The awkward one I talked about in my last post. (yeah, I know it's been forever since I posted. I got apathetic. I got to where I just felt the same all the time and didn't feel like writing anything. so there.) well, as luck would have it, HE's the one who administered my physical. lol. I wasn't awkward in that omgyouaretryingtomolestme kind of way, but in that okayseriouslyiknowyouarenottryingtomolestmequitovercompensating kind of way. "I'm going to touch your face now." "I'm going to check your lyph nodes" etc. Plus I hadn't shaved my legs for a couple of weeks, so I was a wee bit embarassed about that anyways.

But as far as I know I got a clean bill of health. huzzah. also, I am not pregnant. which I am sure is a relief for all of us, seeing as another immaculate conception would be kind of awkward.

So now I feel like an old person, in that I need a pill keeper with a "morning" and "night" compartment for each day of the week so I can remember to take all these damn pills. Right now the count is as follows:

1 birth control pill whenever
2 10mg lexapro pills whenever
2 10mg mystery pills one in the morning and one at night

The other day I missed a day of birth control so I had to take 2 at once. I popped 5 pills into my mouth at one time. yeah. I'm pro.

weight: 196 (hey, holidays happened, and I'm 193.5 on the doctor scale, so that's the one that counts, right?)
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, lack of energy, uninterested in activities and people
possible medication side effects: dunno yet

Clinic Visit #4/ Day 28 (Lexapro)

2008-10-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

I always find it interesting how people ask sensitive questions. One of the things they ask me during my clinic visits while asking about different side effects I could experience is if I am still as interested in sex as usual. Which is kind of awkward, for obvious reasons. RL just does in nonchalantly, one in a string of side effect questions which also include gas and belching. I like that about her. For as personable as she is outside the question asking, the questions are just a list, I just give answers, and we move on. I like it. makes it not awkward if I have to tell her that yes, I did have some gas this week, and I am indeed as interested in sex as I usually am.

The male nurse (saw him yesterday instead of lady nurse for some reason) is not so good at this. He asks me all his questions, how I'm feeling, how my irritation is, blah blah blah, don't be discouraged that you are back to feeling like you did in the beginning...and then he lays this on me "oh, i guess one thing I should ask you is if you are as interested in sex as usual." *awkward pause as he looks at me and not his clipboard of note* "um, yeah."

I like how RL does it a LOT better. lol

Both RL and male nurse gave me a talk about not getting discouraged because the medicine isn't working as well as they like it to at this point. This is week 5 of the study, which means come clinic visit #5 I will be half way done with Part 1. RL reminded me that if the Lexapro doesn't work then there is a second part.

I know this, but it is nice to be encouraged, and especially to be told that it seems that RL's patients are all either (like me) not really responding to the medicine right now, or they are feeling better than they have ever felt. So I guess that makes me feel more normal.

Alright, off to shower, take my pills, and go to work! Another day on 20mg of Lexapro.

weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated, feeling that I am worth less than my peers
possible medication side effects: gas

Day 17-27 (Lexapro), Clinic Visit 3, I suck at updating

2008-10-20T00:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry if you've missed my daily (or not so daily) updates. I'll try to do them at least a little more frequently.

Third clinic visit was last Tuesday. I answered the questions, and generally told them that I have been feeling like my base level mood has been better.

Nurse asked me when the last time I felt not depressed was. I told her it was for a while when I was on prozac...before the apathy set in and I didn't really feel anything unless I felt it in a huge way. RL thought it would be cute to share with me that people ask her all the time how she can work with depressed people all day, and that she tells them "they aren't always depressed, they get better." Instead of making me feel better it made me feel the fact that I'm one of those depressed people.

The week leading up to third clinic visit I did feel like my general mood was lifted a bit. It was for the days following the visit as well. Friday was sooo good. I got off work early, I went to a party, I had a great time, met some new people, had good conversation...I felt great. Until Saturday night. I don't know why. Maybe it was a few rude customers, maybe it was just the end of a tiring week, but Saturday night my mood crashed. Today has been rough.

Nurse has upped my dosage to 20mg of Lexapro a day. For some reason she gave me my samples in a different package than the previous times. Since I have to take two of them now (2 10mg pills= 20mg a day) plus my birth control it's easier to get them sorted at the beginning of the week into one of those day of the week pill box things. Well I was doing that a few minutes ago and noticed that the package she gave me has the contact information for some society or association with the term "mental illness" in its name. Seeing that stung. made me remember stutter man, weepy waiting room girl, and sobbing woman. I'm in a catagory with them. My medication just told me so.

I think tomorrow when I go for my 4th clinic visit I'll have to circle a different answer under the question about my feelings of self worth.

weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated, feeling that I am worth less than my peers
possible medication side effects: sedation

Day 16 (Lexapro)

2008-10-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

Despite the higher dosage, I haven't felt any nausea to speak of today. Which I will take as a good sign for now.

I don't know if these next few days are going to be any sort of valid indicator of my mood on these things as I plan on being cooped up in my apartment (as I was today) watching my seasons of the West Wing and making sure my dog doesn't lick her stitches from getting fixed yesterday. But I'll try to keep writing anyways, just for continuity.

I'm also having some sinus drainage/headache/blockage, so that's fun. However, Advil cold & sinus and vitamin C drops seem to be keeping it under control, which is nice.

If I had to report some sort of change in my depression level, I guess I could say that the "base line" has lifted a little. Nothing really significant, but it's noticable. A start.

I'm scared that I'll start feeling better like I did when I first started Prozac and then the apathy will set in. And then I'll have to deal with the apathy for the rest of this part of the study (8 more weeks at this point).

On the other hand if the Lexapro works beautifully for me then I am out of the study in 8 weeks and then need to find a new mental health care provider. which sucks.

If you've ever dealt with depression you know how hard it is to talk about it. I mean really talk about it. Talk about it in the way a health care provider needs you to talk about it. You know how hard it is to fill out the questionnaires and talk about how long you've felt the way you feel and why you think you might feel that way.

For me reliving the last four years in snippets of all the bad. all the pain. all the stress. all the anxiety. It's facing the fact that my mother's side of the family has a very real history of mental illness. It's facing my fears that one day my mind could snap, and I could end up like one of my two uncles who have to be cared for because they can't fully care for themselves.

Once you get in a rhythm with someone it's okay. They know what's up, they know the questions they need to ask and what your answers mean.

Letting someone new into the recesses of my thoughts and feelings face to face is damn hard.

Writing is easier. it's faceless, voiceless, and if you write in private nobody sees you cry.

weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation

Clinic Visit #2/ Day 15 (Lexapro)

2008-10-07T16:54:00.000-07:00

Today I overheard someone at the desk in the Psychiatric services waiting room that made me very glad the only disorder I suffer from is depression. He sounded exactly like this guy, except he was setting up his next appointment and asking about his medicine (and he wasn't British):

Other than listening to him try to discourse with the receptionist, and wondering briefly what he does for a living (he was dressed in khaki's, white button down, tie, jacket, and fedora type hat...any guesses?), Clinic Visit #2 was business as usual:

Told receptionist I was there to see RL, went back to the tiny waiting room, RL came and got me, filled out 2 page survey, was asked the same questions as last time, sent back to tiny waiting room, waited 30 minutes, Nurse came to get me, asked me about side effects, gave me my samples, sent me on my way.

Nurse changed me from 10mg Lexapro a day to 15mg Lexapro. Which means I get to use a pill cutter every two days to cut a 10mg tablet into a 5mg tablet. She says she's taking me up only 5mg to hopefully prevent a recurrence of the nausea and sedation side effects while increasing results. We'll see how it goes.

Days 11-14 (Lexapro) aka I suck at updating

2008-10-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

I guess the lack of motivation has gotten the better of me the last few days. At least lack of motivation to blog.

This weekend I did some fun things, had some good times, and got to see my sister. All in all a good weekend. I enjoyed the things I did, but probably not as much as I made myself act like I did.

I've gotten way too good at that.

I finally got a work schedule. I'm happy that I am going to have an income, but dreading actually working. I'm hoping I can handle it. Hoping I don't have a breakdown.

Being alone late at night is the worst.

Am thankfully still managing to lose weight despite starting the Lexapro and not going to the Y. ever. I joined and that's the last time I have been. Need to fix that.

This is really scattered...but the side effects are all but gone so I don't have anything specifically medicine related to touch on, so it's emotional and mental babble. weeeeee!

weight: 192
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation

Days 9 & 10 (Lexapro)

2008-10-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

Blaaaaaaaaaah.

This is how I feel.

This is how I have felt the last two days.

I want my work schedule.

I want my roommate to stop ragging me about my dog when I put up with her dog 12 of ever 24 hours and she only puts up with mine 1 or 2. When I have cleaned up more of her dogs messes than I will ever ask her to clean up of mine.

I want to stop spending all day on the computer and in front of the tv because I don't feel like finding anything else to do.

I want it to be tomorrow already because I will get to see my sister and hang out with my friends and my family and generally try to have a great weekend.

Still feeling really "sedated."
No nausea to speak of, which is a pleasant change.

Just wish there were more pleasant changes.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating, easily irritated
possible medication side effects: sedation

Clinic Visit #1/ Day 8 (Lexapro)

2008-09-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today was the first of my weekly clinic visits. I will be going in every week (apparently every Tuesday if my schedule stays the same), to fill out a questionnaire, answer a research tech's (aka "research lady") questions, answer questions for a nurse (not sure how consistent the nurse is going to be, so I shall put off giving them a code name for now), get my meds for the week and go.

Research Lady (hereafter known as RL) had the day off today, so I got to see Research Dude. "Dude" because he looked like a surfer dude and seemed more nervous about asking me the questions than I was about answering them. Or maybe he wasn't so much nervous as putting on a great display of what spending 4 years of undergrad and 2 of grad school (maybe more?) in a lab with other science nerds does to your social skills. But that is besides the point.

I found out today that I am a white 1inch 3-ring binder. There is a tab for each week of this part of the study. Behind each tab is where all my answers to the questions week to week will be recorded. Research dude said that if I get through this part of the study I get a bigger binder. Lord knows how big my binder will be if I make it to part 3 of the study.

But Research Dude (RD) assured me that they use recycled paper, so I guess I don't have to worry about the impact this study has on my carbon footprint just yet. ;-)

I got to find all this out because apparently I answer questions more quickly than RD expected, and had a bunch of time to kill before the Nurse was ready to see me. So we chatted akwardly for bit, he sent me out to the waiting room again, and then brought me back in to chat awkardly for another 5 minutes before the nurse finally came and got me.

Apparently the Lexapro isn't helping as much (or at all really) as they like to see in the first week, so Nurse asked me if I wanted to go from my 10mg to a higher dose. However, she recommended since I am experiencing nausea and exhaustaion (a side effect they call "sedation" lol...both of which should taper off the longer I take the drug) to wait a week and then raise the dose so as to prevent having further side effects. So that is what I am doing.

The worst part of the whole process is coming into the clinic and leaving. It's located in one part of a big medical complex, and the suite it is in is clearly marked "psyciatric services" right across from the reception desk for the "breast health" center. So the ladies who see breast cancer patients all day watch me walk into the "psychiatric services" suite, as do any business suited guys who happen to be walking down the hall from some other part of the building. So I enter the waiting room, which may or may not have a variety of people in various stages of distress in it. I tell the receptionist I'm here for a research appointment, whe validates my parking ticket, and I am sent back to a different, more tiny, waiting room. Last week I got to hear a girl have a half whispered breakdown while her mother tried to comfort her.

After the whole process is over I take the walk to the patient exit. All of the questions I have been asked replay in my mind, and I start thinking about why I am there, why I'm depressed, and what it has done to me. Part of me feels like I don't belong here, with the sobbing and the sedated, while another part of me knows all too well that I need this. It starts welling up, and I get to fight with it all the way home to regain some kind of "normal."

God, I hope that part gets better.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, trouble concentrating
possible medication side effects: nausea, sedation

Day 7 (Lexapro)

2008-09-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

Stayed home all day today. It took me all day to do laundry. Because I'd put in a load...forget about it...remember it...not want to go downstairs and change it...finally decide to change the load...repeat.

This was after I slept for like 12 hours. ridiculous.

Hoping the medicine and a steady work schedule will eventually help even out my sleep habits and get me into some kind of motivational rhythm.

The nausea is definitely lessening. Still get little twinges of it, but overall it has stopped making me avoid eating normally. so that's good.

Have a clinic visit tomorrow. Will make sure to tell them about the nausea, the tiredness, and the food chewing thing.

I need to go out and take pictures, or start a painting, or something. anything. I need to get out of this tvwatchinginternetsurfing funk. I need to create. To bring myself out of myself. We'll see if I can.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion

Days 4, 5 & 6 (Lexapro)

2008-09-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

For days 4 and 5 you can pretty much "ditto" day 3. Fake happy at work, exhausted when I hit home, and a little nausea thrown in.

Day 5 was a little different because after my last day of training, hockey and alcohol were involved. Went to a hockey game with my best friend and her boy, and got to watch a lot of fights, and my team one. So that was pretty great. Then we met my cousin & her hubby at a pub and had some drinks and good conversation.

A quote from me from last night: "I'm a really cheap date on an SSRI!"

Apparently another side effect of Lexapro is that it greatly increases the effects of alcohol. After two drinks I felt as drunk as the times I've had about 6 drinks. so that was in interesting discovery. Will have to be more aware of how much I drink, and when, where, and who I drink it with.

Today has been a really lazy day. Sitting around in my pajamas, watchin nip/tuck with my BF and her boy, and loving on my puppy dog.

I just feel lonely.

Not because I am alone. Not because the people I am with don't involve me or don't care about me. Because that is definitely not the case.

Maybe isolated would be a better term. Isolated in my own feelings. Isolated in my own mind.

Isolated because I'm tired of hurting and being hurt.

It's why I cling to what I know, because at least I know how that feels. I know what to expect.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: faking it, feeling isolated, feeling "blue", easily irritated
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion, low alcohol tolerance

Day 3 (Lexapro)

2008-09-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Pretending to be really happy all day is not so much great for my depression. I didn't think about that when I was looking for a job. It's exhausting. But it's easy to do. It's easy to pretend that everything is great, life is great, and slap on a big smile. Doing it as part of a job makes it easier to do it as part of everyday life.

So if you saw me today you would have thought I was quite happy, and to be honest, I couldn't tell you that I felt otherwise. Because I turn off my emotions when I put on that happy face. Everything gets surface level, scripted, automatic. It's why I make such a damn good customer service person. I'm a fantastic actress.

Maybe the Lexapro (or, more likely, Lexapro + other med) will make it so I don't have to throw up the happy facade. Maybe one day I'll walk into work and be conversational with clients because I feel conversational. Maybe I'll greet them with enthusiasm because I am enthusiastic, not because it's in my job description.

So no mental/emotional report today. Cause at work was all fake, and right now is the after work crash.

I did have some nausea today, made it hard to do my tasting menu at training.

And I'm currently exhausted.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: faking it.
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion

Day 2 (Lexapro)

2008-09-24T20:15:00.001-07:00

I realized today that there was one thing they asked me that I didn't answer completely truthfully. They asked if there was anything that I had the urge to do all the time, or a certain number of times (like wash my hands, lock the doors, etc.). It's not something I have to do a certain number of times, but I do have to make sure that I chew food evenly on both sides of my mouth. If I don't, it makes me feel weird. And I have to clean out my teeth until both sides feel even again. So I don't really know if that's something they were talking about...but I may tell them that next week just to make sure. They asked me a lot of questions that sounded like they relate to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, so I think they are trying to see if people who are diagnosed with depression and don't respond well to SSRI's may have underlying symptoms of those disorders (which the medication they are actually testing is currently used to treat).

Aside from that realization, nothing that interesting to report. Just a pretty average day (as far as what my average has been the last 2 years).

Had some nausea today, but definitely not as severe as yesterday. I may try to take the pill with something to eat or some milk tomorrow to see if that helps. I think it's weird that it lasts all day though. Starting a couple hours after I take the Lexapro, and I still feel a bit of it now. but like I said, not nearly as bad as it was yesterday.

Also still feeling really tired. Tried to go to bed early (11ish) last night, but couldn't fall asleep til about 2am. May be because of the candy we bought yesterday? Maybe just insomnia, since I get it every once in a while. But I got up at 8 to go to orientation for my new job. Got out around 10:30, came back and tried to nap. Maintenance came by to do our apartment inspection around 11, so I didn't actually get to nap til about 12, and ended up sleeping til 1:30. Feeling pretty tired now. Will try to sleep after I write this, but I'm afraid I'll have insomnia again. Like my body is tired but my mind is wide awake. Maybe just all the excitement of starting a new job and starting this study.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", lack of motivation, abnormally tired, insomnia
possible medication side effects: nausea, exhaustion, insomnia

Day 1 (Lexapro)

2008-09-23T19:22:00.000-07:00

Took my first Lexapro today. Not stupid enough to expect any results emotionally or mentally the first day. It'll probably take about a week before I get any of that starting. However, side effects can start showing today. Let's hope I don't end up like this guy:

So today I was a pretty average depression day. Didn't get overly sad about anything in particular, just a down feeling, a feeling that if I let myself I could get overwhelmed by sadness for no reason at all. So I tried not to dwell, tried to distract myself with games and tv and whatnot. Just tried to live like I have been the past couple of years.

Easily irritated. Got really frustrated with my mother for not being able to find a photo online after I gave her the order of links to click to find it. Also annoyed that one of my roommates needed me to take her dog out. I don't know why, as it's not a big deal at all. It just annoyed me. yeah, so easilly irritated it is. But that's is how it's been for a long time now, so I know it's part of the depression and not a medication side effect.

I've been nauseous most of the day. no vomiting or anything, just a nauseous feeling. I didn't eat much at dinner because of it. Also had some GI problems. So that could all be medicine related, or could be somethinig I ate yesterday. We'll see.

Also have been really sleepy. Got 8 hours of sleep last night...but was really tired around 2...so I ended up napping until 4. Then I was still tired. Pretty tired now, so after I finish this post I'll go to bed.

weight: 193
depression symptoms: feeling "blue", easily irritated, lack of motivation, abnormally tired
possible medication side effects: nausea, diarhea, exhaustion

About the Study

2008-09-23T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a guinea pig. A lab rat. A test subject.

I am 22 years old, female, Caucasian, and have clinical depression.

I was on Prozac for about 5 months, but instead of making me feel better about myself and raising my motivation, it made me feel completely apathetic. I wasn't sad, but I also wasn't functioning. So in February of this year (2008) I took myself off of Prozac. I have not had any sort of treatment for my depression since then.

Last week I saw a commercial about a study on depression that was looking for participants.
I e-mailed them.
They called me.
I had my first evaluation.
I'm in the study.

Here's the information about the study I have entered as posted on an information website:

Are you currently depressed? This is a study using an add-on treatment to see if it may reduce your symptoms of depression. We will watch to see how you do on an SSRI. Then we may add another medication to boost its effects.
If this study is right for you, you may receive at no cost:

• study medications
• physical exam
• 20 clinic visits
• and other study related procedures.

The study lasts up to 16 months. This study is funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Participants needed: Depressed men and women age 18 – 80
Compensation: Services above at no cost
Visits: 20 visits over 16 months

and here is my version of the study, from what "Research Lady" told me over the phone:

The study is in 3 phases.

The first phase: I have a long psychiatric evaluation (check!). If they think I am a good fit for the study they send me home with a depression medication called Lexapro (check!). I'll be on this medication for 10 weeks in the first phase, and each week I will have an appointment where they see how I am doing on the medication. If the Lexapro works great for me over the 10 weeks then they will help me find a way to continue taking the Lexapro outside of the study (through a doctor they get me in contact with, or whatever). If the Lexapro isn't doing as much for me as it should, they I will enter phase 2 of the study.

Phase 2: they do some physical tests (like an EKG, blood tests, etc) to make sure I don't have any physical causes of my depression, and if I don't they add either a placebo or a medicine called Geodon to my dose of Lexapro. Geodon is currently used for bipolar disorder and schitzophrenia, but they are testing to see if it helps people who aren't responding to regular depression medications. I stay on that combo for 10 weeks, with the same weekly visits to see how it is working. If the combo works for me, they I enter phase 3.

Phase 3: I continue taking the combo as part of the study for a year, with a monthly visit to make sure it is still working well for me.

I can withdrawl from the study at any time, and they also reserve the right to withdrawl me from the study if they think it is in my best interest. All of the evaluations, procedures, and medications involved in the study are free.

This blog is for me. It is for me to be honest about how I am feeling each day to see how the medicine is affecting me. But I invite you to come along. Follow me. Encourage me. Tell me if you see patterns in thoughts or behaviors that I may not see. Help me be the best guinea pig I can be.