Life As The Fat Friend

Things They Never Told Me: Motivation vs. Determination

2012-10-12T10:49:00.003-04:00

"Where can I get some of your motivation?"
"How do you stay motivated?"
"Where do you find the motivation to continue?"
"I'm just not motivated enough."
"I start out motivated, and then it completely fizzles."
"I just wish I could find the motivation to do it."

I hear over and over and over from people who are completely discouraged. They feel like they lack the secret formula that allows those who succeed to stay continually motivated and because they lack this secret, they continue to fail. Do you want to know the secret?? I totally have it. I know the secret. I'm going to share it with you. Are you ready??

There is no way to stay continually and constantly motivated to be healthy.

There are so many days that I wake up and think, "Man. I just want to be lazy. I want to sit around the house, do nothing, and eat every potato chip within a 20 mile radius." I have days that I would rather go down a slide made of razor blades into a pool of alcohol than put on my running shoes and hit the road. I've been on date nights where I wanted to eat a Bloomin' Onion and Chocolate Thunder From Down Under as my meal (PS, Don't do that. You're looking at over 3000 calories and 200g of fat if you eat those two items).

Motivation doesn't last. In my experience, motivation comes in spurts. I feel exceptionally motivated for a short period of time, and then, just as I'm sure all of you have experienced, it slowly fades until it doesn't exist. Then, it starts to rekindle again until it is fully aflame once more. What allows me to continue on my journey day in and day out isn't the motivation to do so. It's determination to make it. I am determined that no matter what, I'm going to reach my goal. I don't care how long it takes. I don't care how hard I have to push. I'm going to make it. I know this, beyond all shadow of a doubt, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

Let me put this into perspective by using a couple different scenarios, because frankly, I love analogies. Bare with me.

You go to the dentist every 6 months. A week or so before the dentist appointment, you suddenly have real motivation to brush your teeth, because you don't want to be fussed at while at your cleaning. You are extra diligent about brushing for a full two minutes, twice a day, everyday. You floss daily- even your back teeth. You lay off the gum and sugar. Then, after your dentist appointment, for a few days, you continue, but the motivation to be so diligent fades. Does that mean that you stop brushing your teeth? I sure hope not. But you don't have that pressing accountability staring you down for another few months. You still continue to do what you need to do in order to maintain your healthy smile. You just accept it as something that you have to do, and you don't even think about it. You just do it. It's part of your routine. You accept that it's something you have to do, and you do it.

Housework. Generally speaking, no one likes housework (and if you're one of the weirdos that does, I don't wanna hear it because I secretly hate you). If someone is coming over to visit, you are suddenly intensely motivated to clean your house. You work diligently to get things EXTRA tidy before they arrive. Does that mean that you don't routinely pick up even if no one is coming over? Again, I hope not. You know it's important to clean house. I highly doubt that you routinely wear dirty clothes or eat on dirty dishes. You know the importance of maintaining your home, and you just accept it as part of your routine. You know you have do it it, and you do it.

Weight loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle isn't about being motivated. It's about being determined. You have to make the decision in your mind that it's important, and even if it's something that you don't FEEL like doing, you're going to anyway. Once you reach the moment that you accept that it's something that you need to do, everyday, for the rest of your life, that it isn't always easy, but it's always worth it, you've made it. Your success lies in being determined to reach your goals, not being motivated to.

Enjoy the moments that you are motivated. Use them to push yourself even harder and even farther. But don't rely on them to get you where you need to be. Motivation fades. Determination is forever.

CAN'T is a Four-Letter Word

2012-10-08T15:23:00.001-04:00

Can't.
Quit.
Stop.
Halt.
FAIL.

The most common questions that I receive about my journey start with the word: how.

How did you lose so much this far?
How do I get started?
How can I work up to running?
How do I know what food plan is best?

My best answer to almost every single question is an answer that everyone has heard, and because it isn't new or exciting, it can be hard to believe: CONSISTENCY. There are more schools of thought about health out there than any one person could ever process, and most of them contradict one another. I could follow a different "clinically followed" diet each week, and years from now, still not be to the end of the list. It's so easy to become bogged down in the details of things and forget to go back to the basics, and listen to your body.

There are four basics to achieving weight loss: healthy eating, exercise, water, proper sleep. Everything else is fluff. As long as you adhere to those four basics, you should see results. The rest of what is out there? My theory is listen to your body. Each person is a unique individual. My body is unlike any other body out there. What works for me may not work for another person anywhere in the world. If you find that every time you eat a particular food, you retain fluid, then avoid that food or increase your water intake if you must have it. If hate running, try zumba or cycling, etc. Listen to your body, and do what works best for you. As long as you are doing that within the four basics, that will lead to success every time.

By the same token, the quickest way to get a ticket to Failtown is by listening to that little voice inside your head that says: YOU CAN'T DO THIS. The moment that you start to believe that you cannot complete something is the moment that you accept defeat. You hear it daily. I know you do. TONS of people say it. You can do anything you put your mind to. It's such a seemingly overused cliche, but honestly, it's because those of us who have tested that theory found something out: IT'S TRUE. Crazy, right? Case in point:

This Spring, I thought very seriously about completing an annual 10K in Charleston. I thought about it, and the more I thought about it, the more I began to doubt that I could accomplish it. I only had about a month and a half to prepare for it, and it just felt like it was too big of a bite to take with such little time to train. Fast forward to this fall. I started running (well, it was honestly more walking than anything at first) on August 5. I completed 2 miles. It took me just over 40 minutes to complete, averaging a 22 minute mile. On September 23, just over a month and a half later, I completed my longest run at the time of 8.02 miles in just over 2 hours, averaging a 16 minute mile. In just over 6 weeks, I not only worked up to completing a 10K, but I exceeded it, and improved my average mile time exponentially. The difference? I never thought for one second that I couldn't. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to be able to be able to accomplish that much, so I just did it.

Throughout the past few months, the greatest lesson I have learned in this journey is that, actually, I can. It doesn't matter what it is. I can do it. Complete a 10 mile interval run? Okay. Almost completely cut white flour and white sugar out of my diet (because that works for ME)? No problem. Track my calories everyday for almost 90 days in a row, without missing a single day? You've got it. Complete a timed half marathon in April? BRING IT.

There are so many four-letter words that offend people, but when words like the ones listed above are used, it isn't given a second thought. They're common. But honestly, those words will do more damage to you than any other words. Seriously, take those words out of your vocabulary. Stop underestimating yourself. You never know exactly what you're missing out on accomplishing until you just go and accomplish it. Don't let the fear of failure hold you back.

Can't is a four letter word. I assure you, you can.

Dear Anonymous

2012-10-07T07:41:00.003-04:00

I receive notifications of comments on this blog when they are posted. I monitor them pretty closely because, well, weight loss blogs seem to be huge blinking signs for spam. I used to moderate my comments, but it seemed to confuse people when their comment didn't show up, so I turned that feature off. This morning, while I was going through my morning routine, I received notification of the above comment on my September Progress Report.

At first, I cried. Then, I got angry and I almost deleted it. Then I decided that it would be better to use it and blog about it. After all, I promised to keep this blog completely real, and that is definitely part of this journey. The farther I progress into my journey, the more followers I have picked up. The more followers that I pick up, the more susceptible I am to scrutiny. It's just a part of this. It's ugly, but it's real, and it's really a true reflection of the things that we face each day.

In my experience, the way people treat me fall on a bell curve. There are a few very supportive, very kind people. There are a large number of mostly indifferent people. And there are a few exceptionally cruel people. You try not to put much stock in what the cruel people say, but there are times that in the throws of frustration, their words echo in the back of your mind.

While I am okay, truly, what bothers me more than anything is knowing that this person, and plenty more like this person, is out there making people who are far less thick-skinned than I am feel worthless and hopeless. If you are one of those people, please hear me when I say that people like this are not the norm. They are not the majority. People in general do not view you the way this person does. You are beautiful in your own right. Do not allow this level of ignorance to control you and how you feel about yourself. And to the person who wrote that comment, I close with this letter.

Dear Anonymous,

I am so very sorry that you find my appearance to be less than desirable. As far as my "fat rolls" are concerned, how I view myself is really none of your concern. My relationship with my body is no more your business than my finances are. But for the record, I assure you that I see my flaws just as clearly as you do, without you pointing them out to me; thank you very much.

There is a bit of a contradiction in your comment, as you instruct me to stay in my home, and yet you expect me to be a healthy weight (although I have to admit that at 5'8, I would most likely appear to be emaciated at 120 pounds). How is it that you expect me to obtain a healthy weight if I never leave the confines of my living room? Even if I were to attempt workout DVDs, I would have to go out to purchase those, and the items necessary to complete those.

As to your comment about whether or not I will be normal, I hope I am NEVER average, as it is my goal to be exceptional. What you stated was not something that required guts, but actually displayed quite a large level of cowardice. You came to my blog on your own accord, and you commented anonymously about how disgusting you find me to be. At what level is that considered to be an action that possesses guts??

My level of awesome is not determined based on your scale. Unfortunately for you, you seem to have a real problem with understanding basic capitalization rules, and clearly need some direction in grammar, as you used the improper homonyms in several places in your brief, yet rude comment. Your comment is completely negated by your seemingly lacking education. Please go find something else to do with your time and energy and stop attempting to bully me.

Oh, and by the way, I HATE twinkies.

Have a blessed day.

~Deanna, The Fat Friend

Things They Never Told Me: Don't Give The Scale Power

2012-10-02T08:51:00.000-04:00

When people ask me how long I have been interested in health and fitness, I laugh. The truth is, I have been "interested" in health and fitness for well over 10 years. The hubs and I have a running joke that we are professionals when it comes to the business of weight loss. I know more about nutrition and fitness than almost everyone I know. I can look at a plate, and usually without even asking questions about how something was prepared, I can guess how many calories are in the entire plate, or each of the items on the plate, with some fairly legitimate accuracy. When one flirts with the idea of a weight loss program for as long as I have, those kinds of things just become second nature. It's just a matter of applying them. But that's a different story for a different day.

What I really want to focus on is the fact that I have been "trying" to lose weight for as long as I have. Over the course of the decade plus that I have been on diet after diet, and fitness plan after fitness plan, one things has remained a constant: the scale.

I have always had a super unhealthy relationship with my scale. It has always been the same cycle, every time. And the scale has always been the root of every weight loss failure I have ever experienced in my past. It has happened so many times that I can easily recount it for you. And I would almost put money on the fact that I am far from the only one. Here we go:

I'm utterly motivated. I start out doing REALLY well. My food is on point. My water is great. I'm working out routinely. My scale drops DRAMATICALLY. I'm seeing as much as 1-2 pounds of weight loss per day, for at least a week. I'm even more motivated. I continue on a wonderful path. Suddenly, I'm no longer losing as quickly as I was. In fact, I'm starting to see little gains on my scale. Nothing large - but a couple tenths of a pound here or there. The scale begins fluctuating: down one day, up two days, down one day (but not as far as it was two days ago), up three days. Lather, rinse, repeat. I decide that I have been super dedicated to this "lifestyle" for a solid few weeks, and I deserve a cheat meal (which is usually a meal out, and laden in salt). The next morning, the scale is up something crazy like four pounds. I tell myself it is just salt, and I will lose it in the next day or two. A week later, I'm still not back down to where I was before my cheat meal, and I'm ready for my next cheat. The scale goes up even more. I miss a couple days of working out. Water gets slack. I cheat again. The scale is now almost back to where I started. I try to buckle down, but see very little progress in the scale. I get more and more discouraged and little by little make choices that eventually lead to my giving up. I'm now back where I started, and typically even higher.

The problem with the above scenario? I gave the scale too much power. I put every ounce of measurement of progress into what that stupid scale said. I gave up on my body, based solely upon what one inanimate object told me. I fully accepted that what the scale said was a full reflection of my progress, or the supposed lack thereof. The single most important difference in my journey now is the acceptance of one simple fact:

THE SCALE IS JUST A TOOL.

The scale is an important tool. It can be useful in telling you many things about how your body is reacting to foods that you eat, or the overall direction that you're heading. But it's just a tool. It does not show the whole story. It won't reflect how much more energy you have. It won't show how your digestion is improving. It won't implicate your cholesterol decreasing, your blood pressure getting better, your heart becoming more effective, or any other improvement on the inside that are direct results of your improved lifestyle. It doesn't account for water retention due to muscle gain, which directly results in faster fat loss, and henceforth making you thinner faster. It doesn't measure your waist.

Adopting a weight loss plan is so much more than seeing a number decrease on the scale. It's about extending your life. It's about improving your daily living. It's about being healthy. It's about seeing many changes in your world. What the scale shows on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis is only one tiny portion of your journey. There are so many things that you should pay attention to other than what your stupid scale says.

All too often, we get to the point that we place our entire world in the hands of our scales. We base whether we are having a good day or a bad day, or whether our journey is successful or failing based solely upon what we see each morning. Don't give your scale so much power. You deserve so much more than to allow an inanimate object to dictate how you feel about yourself.

The greatest thing that I have begun doing with this journey is writing down any accomplishments that I have on a day-to-day basis. I fit into a certain pair of pants. I had an amazing run. I woke up feeling energized. I slept really well. I found a new delicious recipe. I came to a new realization. My blood pressure was improved at the doctor's office. I got a compliment from someone I bumped into. Whatever it is, big or small, I write it down. That way, when my scale makes me feel like I'm stalling, I can easily look back and remember that there are lots of changes happening, and the scale is only a small portion of my story.

Your scale is a tool. It's JUST A TOOL. Don't give it all the power. Take that power back. You're amazing. Don't you forget it.

September Progress Report

2012-10-01T16:59:00.000-04:00

Here we go with September in Review!

I saw a loss of 6 pounds from August to September, which doesn't account for some fluid retention that I'm seeing right now.

Over the month of September, I walked/jogged 67.28 miles, and completed additional cross training. I improved my 5K time by over 11 minutes. I officially moved completely into 1X/Size 18 tops, and into size 20 pants. I officially dropped out of the morbidly obese category. The shirts I bought off the rack from Old Navy last month are TOO BIG this month!

Here are my reports from My Fitness Pal:

The Art of Patience

2012-09-30T10:35:00.001-04:00

This is going to sound totally weird to some, but I have to be completely honest: Even having lost over 50 pounds, most days when I look in the mirror, I haven't been able to say to myself, "Yes. I can tell such a huge difference in my body." In fact, had I not had a few "before" photos to refer back to, I wouldn't have been able to tell a difference in my body at all. Every once in awhile, I could pull on a top and think that I looked a little more svelte than I used to in it, but generally speaking, and especially naked, I just didn't see it.

Until now.

After months and months and months of working on myself, this morning when I looked in the mirror, I could actually see it. I stood naked in front of my mirror, and thought to myself, "There it is!" Finally. To be honest, I'm not even sure if there is that much of a difference from the last time I looked or if I am just seeing what I didn't see before, but I see it, for the first time ever.

In July of this year, I buckled down the hardest I have ever buckled down. I started tracking every bite. I became truly committed to this journey. I adopted the lifestyle. In August, I began running. At first, it was more walking than running, and little by little, I am running more and more. I am going distances that I NEVER thought I would be going. I got back to keeping up with my facebook page, and started coming back to blogging about my journey. I made all these changes to my world, and completely stuck by them day in and day out, without ever seeing for myself the changes that were happening to my body. I knew they were there. I saw "evidence" of them, but I just couldn't see them.

If I had given up, just because I couldn't see the changes happening, I would have never accomplished the things that I have accomplished. I wouldn't be down a full pants size. I wouldn't have improved my 5K time by over 11 minutes in a month's time. I wouldn't be out of the morbidly obese category with my BMI. I wouldn't have more energy to keep up with my daily tasks. I would still be in a deep depression, totally lost and wondering who I was, feeling completely exhausted, aching from stressing my joints, not moving in a direction that completely changed my life. I would be right back to being stuck, and miserable.

I hit a point in my journey that I decided, no matter what happens, no matter how slow, no matter how much that stupid scale fluctuations, regardless of whether I lose ten pounds a month or two pounds a month, I won't go back. It's fully impossible for me to continue to pursue a healthy lifestyle through healthy eating habits and exercise and continue to be obese for the rest of my life. At some point, at whatever pace is the one that my body needs, if I am honest with myself in saying that I am fully adhering to the proper decisions, I will lose the weight. And I am losing the weight. The changes will come. I just have to be patient.

This isn't The Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. This will take time... a lot of time. And I'm okay with that. I refuse to get caught in that same cycle that I have been in so many times of losing patience with my body, feeling like progress isn't happening, and giving up because I don't have the instant gratification that I try to convince myself that I need to continue. There is so much more to this journey than looking hot in a bathing suit. I just didn't know it when I first started it.

Slowly, surely, and decidedly, I am reaching my goals. I am starting to see the changes happening in my body. I feel better from the inside out. And no matter how long it takes, I'm going somewhere beautiful.

Idiots Prevail, And So Do I

2012-09-27T08:14:00.000-04:00

For a long time, I have sort of protected myself, and limited the things that I did to a sort of safety net. I have lived in fear of judgment from others. In recent days, I have done a few things that opened me up for judgment from others, and they didn't disappoint.

I won't go into details about what was said or done, because honestly, that's not where the story is this time. In the past, I have been so broken by what some insensitive jerk has said to me or about me. I was broken to the point that I still carry some pain from a couple different incidents. But now... now things are different.

When insensitive things are said to or about me now, it doesn't break me. It doesn't make me want to cry. It doesn't cut me to the core. It ANGERS me. It angers me because I know that there are people out there, who are just like I was, who are being broken by the rude comments that these people make. It angers me that there are people out there who desperately want to be accepted and continue to be cast aside. It angers me that jerks are making snap judgments about me and thousands of others based solely upon one glance at our bodies.

The bottom line is, my self-worth is not defined by my pants size. The kind of person I am is not built in my bra size. My beauty is not based on whether I shop plus sizes or not. My health is not determined by any piece of trash that has negative comments to make about me based solely upon my appearance.

Everyday, I work towards eating appropriate foods. I workout routinely. I get my big butt into a pair of running shoes and I hit the road running, and oftentimes it's for MILES. I pay attention to my salt intake, my sugar intake, my calories, fat, carbs, and protein. I have a personal calorie burn goal 6 days a week. I have lost 55 pounds and counting. I am finding day after day more and more things that I can accomplish that I never could before. I love my life. I'm happy, healthy, and fulfilled. My family has noticed such a change in me. Mentally and emotionally, I'm more stable than I have been in at least ten years. I have more energy than I can ever remember having. I am the wife, mother, and friend that I have always thought I could be, and more.

When some random joe blow on the street bumps into me, that person can't know those things. And any comment that he or she may have about me are irrelevant. If someone called me an alien, I wouldn't be hurt, broken and deeply scarred by their comment. I would think they were certifiable, because clearly I'm not an alien. It's absurd. So when someone calls me fat, ugly, disgusting, or any other comment about my appearance, why would I let that hurt me? It's just as absurd. It holds no credibility, and I won't allow it to have any power over me.

I make the decisions about my health and subsequently my weight for myself, to be the person that my family deserves to have in their lives, and to hopefully extend my days here with them. I choose to dress attractively for myself, and for my husband (love you, babe). I share my journey to hopefully inspire others to not only take control of their health, but also to share my experiences and hopefully empower others to gain some self-confidence in their lives. Haters serve one purpose in my world: they only motivate me to work even harder.

The single most important thing that has happened in this journey, is I have quit "faking it" when it comes to my self esteem. I have finally learned to love myself, just the way I am. And if my followers do nothing else, the one thing I hope you all do is learn that your value is not determined by what strangers with moronic thoughts say or think about you. You are not defined by them, and you are not defined by your weight, looks, economic status, skin color, sexual orientation, or any other point of judgment.

You are beautiful, wonderful, amazing, inspiring, and flat out awesome. And don't you forget it.

And Yet Everything Changes

2012-09-15T20:48:00.001-04:00

So, about a year or so ago, I posted about how weight loss is making me bipolar. Guess what? It still is. Yesterday, I put on a size 18 top. I posted a photo of myself in it on my facebook page. I will attach it here, just in case anyone didn't see it.

So yeah. There it is. Size 18 (1X) top. I started in a size 24 (3X) top. I felt like a million bucks. I mean, look how tiny my waist looks, especially compared to where I came from!

Yeah. That's huge. I went from no waist/boob differential to tremendous waist/boob differential. There's clearly some massive progress being made here. I look at those photos and I can't believe that either one of them is actually me. Yay! I'm so excited!! I'm really doing it!

Until today.

Today, I got on the scale, and stared at a number that looked VERY similar to what I have been staring at for two weeks. In fact, I've lost somewhere around a pound and a half in a two week period. Now some would look at that, and say, "Hey! GREAT! You're making progress, and you're fitting into sizes that you should be proud of fitting into. You're seeing the scale move. Good for you!"

I'm here to tell you, when you're living it, it can be so incredibly frustrating.

When you step on the scale, you want to see that number move. You set goals based on what you think you can and should lose in a month. And you watch things like sodium, your monthly cycle (sorry guys - it plays a factor in our world), and other factors rob you from seeing the number move like it should. You try on a shirt that you think should fit by now, and it is still a little snug. *sigh*

You see, the problem is, when you're so close to the situation, you can't see the forest for the trees. The problem lies within the fact that each day, everything seems the same. Then one day, you put on a pair of jeans, and suddenly notice, they're huge! So you grab a top from your closet, and, imagine that, it fits!

The reason weight loss makes me feel bipolar is because in the day-to-day, the progress is small. I hardly notice any differences from yesterday to today, and from last week to this week. But when I take a step back, and look at the overall progress, I begin to notice changes that I didn't quite grasp before. Until today, and frankly, until I began writing this blog post and working through my feelings, I never quite understood how in the world I could feel disappointed and frustrated at the same time that I felt proud and accomplished. This is how.

It's important for me to keep in touch with my body daily and weekly. I like knowing what changes are happening, no matter how small. But I can't allow myself to get bogged down in the seemingly slow progress by basing my information solely on the daily and weekly weights and size checks. I have to take a moment and look back where I have come from. I have to pull out my size 24 jeans that I could barely zip. I have to look through old photos and see where I was. Even though I may not see a difference from yesterday to today, or from last week to this week, clearly progress is being made.

From one day to the next, on a regular basis, nothing seems to have changed.

And yet, reflecting back upon where I started, absolutely nothing has stayed the same.

For that, I am forever grateful.

Life Is A Beautiful Struggle: Attitude Is Everything

2012-09-12T08:19:00.000-04:00

*WARNING: This blog post is extremely personal, very deep, and contains information that may be difficult to read about my past year. If you are easily bothered, you may want to skip this one. Seriously. (This means you, Mom, and probably Memma, too. Love y'all.) <3*

Recently a comment was made to me about my journey. The person reflected that I somehow managed to be upbeat about my journey, in spite of the fact that it has been a bumpy road along the way. She commented that I always presented a positive attitude, and how that impressed her.

The truth of the matter is, it wasn't always that way. When I fell off the map in the beginning of 2012, I fell off the map because I entered a deep depression. My life was completely chaotic, and I succumbed to the chaos. I was not positive or upbeat about anything. I felt like my entire world was crashing down around me, and in some ways, it was. I had a lot of "bad" things happen in a very short period of time. I became utterly overwhelmed. Somehow, I totally began to lose myself. I quit trying completely with my weight loss. I gained back nearly 30 pounds of the 60 that I had lost, reaching a weight of 281 pounds. Some days, I just didn't think that I had the strength to face the day.

During this period of time, as I continued to falter and barely stumble my way through my life, I began having daily thoughts of suicide. When I say daily, I mean everyday, a good portion of the day. I began being convinced that my family would be better off without me, and none of my friends would miss me. I felt like a total failure in the game of life. Not wanting to put my family through any further emotional trauma is the only thing that kept me from driving my car into a tree at 120 mph. My internal monologue was so bad that I was afraid to mention my thoughts to anyone. I was certain that if I did, I would be chastised, whether publicly or privately, for being "attention-seeking" and not serious. And for the record, to this day, I continue to have trouble with expressing pain for the fear of people judging me for it and assuming that it is false and only for a "show" or attention. I'm working on it.

I began laying awake for hours at a time at night, which lead to me being completely exhausted during the day. I spiraled to the point that I was truly barely living my life. I focused every ounce of energy I could muster into continuing to provide a beautiful world for my babies. They were my salvation.

I finally started talking to my husband about the things that I was thinking and feeling. I talked with him about my feelings of inadequacy. We spent many a night on our front porch talking through my pain. He began to push for me to talk to someone about what I was feeling. I pushed back, stating I had it under control. It definitely was not under control. I finally caved and went to a psychiatrist, but I did not feel comfortable discussing the depth of my depression. She diagnosed my generalized anxiety disorder, and gave me medication. The depression continued.

One night, during a fit of sleeplessness, my thoughts were wildly out of control. My husband was sleeping beside me. I went into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of dark liquor out of the cabinet (I think it was whiskey, but honestly I don't fully remember). I went into my bathroom, and pulled out my medication. I sat in the floor with a handful of pills and a bottle of liquor, crying, for over an hour. I finally convinced myself out of the floor, put the pills and liquor away, woke my husband, and told him to please place the medication where I couldn't access it for awhile. I told him what happened. I cried. He held me. And I went for help the next day.

After a lot, and I mean a LOT, of work and soul searching and facing some personal demons, I am so glad that period of my life is over. Today, I am the happiest I have been in probably more than a decade. I feel so much more like ME than I ever thought I could. It was THIS WORK that has allowed me to start succeeding in my weight loss journey.

For me, and in my opinion, for a large majority of the people out there, weight loss is 95% mental and 5% physical. It requires conquering the demons in your life to free you to the point that you can start overcoming the food. In all honesty, my life is still difficult. I continue to face a lot of the same stresses and grief that I was facing a year ago. Life continues to happen all around me. The difference - that which has made ALL the difference - is accepting that life is going to happen, and the way I react is the only thing that I can control. No matter what comes my way, I will be ready to face it however I need to. It's not to say that I'm always a bucket of sunshine and rainbows. I do get sad/mad/frustrated/hurt. However, now I have the tools to not allow myself to become completely overwhelmed by life and to move forward in a way that is healthy.

You will find that I am now an extremely positive person. It's how I work. I have found that being positive, bubbly and upbeat is what allows me to push through when I have had a bad day, and not get so bogged down that I am drowning in pain. And by finding that side of myself again, it has allowed me to focus on my health in spite of my world around me. It has given me the strength to not make emotional food choices, to hit the road when I'm sad instead of hiding in my home, to reach out to others instead of trying to carry a too heavy load on my own (and failing).

It sounds like such a cliche, but I can honestly say that in all sincerity, a positive attitude is exactly what has made all the difference in the world, both in my journey and my life. I feel amazing, and I will do everything in my power to continue to feed that in every way possible. What happens to me does not define who I am. Life is too short for it to not be beautiful.

August Progress Report

2012-09-01T08:45:00.002-04:00

Here's August in review!

I saw a loss of 9 pounds from August 1 to September 1.

Over the month of August, I walked/jogged a total of 20.63 miles. I took my initial one mile time from over 19 minutes to 15:17. I put on and fit into my first XL shirt. I shopped at Old Navy, purchasing items off the rack without trying them on (and they fit). Oh and I resumed blogging. :)

Here are my reports from My Fitness Pal for the month:

50 Pounds Down. Again.

2012-08-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

Today, I finally reached the 50 pounds down mark, for the second time in this journey. I am right at ten pounds away from getting back to the smallest point I have hit thus far. I carry zero shame in the fact that I allowed myself to stumble and gain back the 25 pounds that I did. In fact, if anything, I feel more triumphant in conquering it once and for all and not allowing the setback to control my destiny.

So what impact has losing 50 pounds had on my life?

50 pounds ago, I couldn't fit into booths at restaurants comfortably. My stomach was very tight against the table.

Today, I have zero problems with any booth. Period.

50 pounds ago, I barely had the energy to get off the sofa throughout the day.

Today, I hit the ground running, and don't think twice about it.

50 pounds ago, I struggled with the snooze button, and routinely flew out of the bed with barely enough time to get my kids to school on time.

Today, I still hit that stinking snooze button (that thing is my nemesis), but I'm out of the bed a solid hour earlier than I used to be.

50 pounds ago, I was squeezing myself into a size 24 because I refused to reach a point I had to order clothes online.

Today, I regularly pick up clearance shirts off the rack at regular clothing stores.

50 pounds ago, I ate with reckless abandon. And oftentimes, the foods I was eating were zapping my energy levels because of being high carb/high fat foods.

Today, I still indulge in some "bad for me" foods, but I watch all of my nutrient data to make sure I'm not just within a specific calorie bracket, but that I'm also properly fueling my body. My energy level is through the roof.

50 pounds ago, I was in such a deep depression that I had totally lost sight of who I was as a person.

Today, I am firmly in control of my emotional state, and I have a love for life I can't explain.

50 pounds ago, I was seeking out thinspo, and wondering if I would ever get there.

Today, I am my own thinspo, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I WILL get there.

50 pounds ago, I was hyperfocused on what "delicious" foods I was going to have to give up.

Today, I can't believe the wealth of truly delicious foods I was robbing myself of by choosing overprocessed, stripped down versions of food.

50 pounds ago, I was chronically dehydrated (to the point that it caused issues with my health) and only drank sodas and sweet tea.

Today, I drink a minimum of 2 liters of water daily, which has proven to not only make me feel better, but has also made my skin a thousand times less oily because it's hydrated from within.

50 pounds ago, I was participating self-deprecating humor, and had an inner monologue of self-hatred.

Today... well... Never. Ever. Again. EVER.

I swear I could go on and on. The differences in my life go far beyond the superficial ones. The emotional and mental transformation has been just as great as the physical. And the best part? I am NOWHERE NEAR DONE! What that means to me, is my world is only going to continue to get better and better.

I honestly could never stop at this point, because I can't WAIT to see what the future me is going to be like.

I am 50 pounds down. And I will never be the same.

Lessons From Opening Day

2012-08-25T16:55:00.000-04:00

It's no secret that I'm a football mom. Today was opening day for my 6 year old's first football season. I was super excited for the game, but I had no idea how many lessons I would learn from today. As I took photos of this event, I found myself astounded at all that I could learn from my middle, and all the heart that he possesses.

First, a little background. The team that we were supposed to play today couldn't make it. So instead, that league's 10U team came in their place. In case anyone is confused, what that means is our 6, 7 and 8 year old boys were playing against 9 and 10 year old boys. When the other team came on the field, feelings of dread starting hitting the stomach of every parent from our team. These boys were BIG, and they looked like they were so much more together than our sweet little first and second year boys. But it was decided the show must go on, and go on it did.

Our boys lost. But they only gave up 10 points, and they fought like the warriors that they are. They never acted intimidated, and they never gave up. Let the lessons begin.

Before taking on a big task, take a deep breath and pray.

Stand by your friends, and pay attention to and support those who are in the game. You never know when you may learn something from someone who is in the same boat you're in.

Always be prepared to attempt something that you didn't originally set out to attempt. It may turn out to be something you're good at, and it may be a disaster, but you should always approach it with a positive attitude.

Have a mentor who knows what he/she is talking about. Always listen to that person. Always.

No matter how daunting the task, wherever you go, go with all of your heart. There's no such thing as trying too hard.

Sometimes life doesn't play fairly and tries to hold you back. Keep pushing.

There are few things in life more therapeutic than a genuine sweat, earned through great effort.

There are cheerleaders in the background. Appreciate them.

Always graciously accept congratulations, and be proud of your accomplishments.

Sometimes The Scale Isn't Fair

2012-08-19T19:52:00.000-04:00

The Scale Never Lies, Right?

WRONG.

Over the past week, I have been on fire. I have stayed around 1400ish calories everyday without fail. I have gotten in workouts everyday, with the exception of Wednesday. I have gotten the appropriate amount of sleep. I haven't been stressed. My scale should have seen some serious movement.

But it didn't. It's been stuck at the same number for the entire week.

I have seen some fluid retention this past week, so I'm assuming that I will see the scale move soon. But the fact of the matter is, I'm truly not worried.

So many times, you will hear trainers and weight loss coaches say things like, "The scale never lies." While that can be true, and the scale can be a tool to help you reflect on your journey to see where adjustments can be made to see better success, truthfully, sometimes the scale isn't fair.

Weight loss can stall, according to the scale, for a number of reasons. It's really important that when you are on a weight loss journey, if you are being completely honest with yourself about what you are consuming and burning, that you not be consumed with what the scale says. There are so many nonscale victories that can be celebrated along the way, and oftentimes you will find that those can come along during a time when the scale seems to be stuck. You may find that an article of clothing fits better, or that your mile time is improving.

Short term scale stalls, and sometimes even minor increases (up to 5 pounds) can be a completely normal phenomenon with a weight loss journey. Remember with any journey, there will be hills and valleys, highs and lows. When the scale isn't reflective of the work that you have been putting in, do not get discouraged. Keep your chin up, and keep up with what you are doing. I promise, if you're following a program that is healthy, your body and your scale will catch up.

And so will mine.

Things They Never Told Me About Weight Loss: Honor System

2012-08-18T21:27:00.001-04:00

You're getting ready for work in the morning. There is junk food in the kitchen. You could eat it, and no one would know as long as you didn't put it in your food tracker. It's only one doughnut. Just one.

At lunch, you weren't really feeling like water. You ordered a soda, but it was just one soda. It couldn't make that much of a difference.

Your coworkers brought in a cake to celebrate someone's birthday. You only had a teeny tiny slice. It was barely even anything worth eating. Even your coworkers gave you a hard time because it was such a small amount.

You ran by the bank, and on your way through the drive-thru, the teller gave you suckers for your kids. But one of them didn't want their sucker, so you decided to have it. It was only a single sucker, and you didn't even finish it.

On your way home, you had to run in the grocery store to grab a couple of items. In the deli, there was a sample stand set up. The samples were super small, and smelled too heavenly to pass up.

Your husband took you out to dinner. You were fantastic with your choices for your meal. You even checked the nutrition before you came out, and double checked your portion sizes. Then, he ordered cheesecake for dessert. You didn't order any, but you had one bite of his.

After the kids went to bed, you decided to have half a glass of wine. It was only 4 ounces.

Little decisions throughout the day, as trivial as they may be, quickly add up to unaccounted for calories. In the list of scenarios above, if all of these occurred in the same day, it would add up to approximately an additional 535 calories. If you have that many unaccounted for calories everyday in a week, you're looking at an additional pound of fat gained, just in a "tiny" amount of things, repeated over and over.

One of the single-most important things that I have learned as I have continued on my journey is the importance of honesty in tracking. It doesn't matter if it is something big like a doughnut in the morning, or something small like a single bite of something. You absolutely have to do your best to account for everything that you put in your mouth. That also absolutely includes anything that you drink other than water, and condiments. Even a single bite of food can generally be around 25 calories, or more.

It's true that no one will know. Weight loss and tracking the food that you eat is definitely an honor system. But you have to keep in mind that the person that you are cheating is yourself. You are robbing yourself of the success that you could be experiencing, while wondering exactly where things are going wrong with your journey; because in your mind, you're making healthy choices and doing everything right. But if you're not including EVERYTHING, then you're potentially faking it without even realizing that you're doing so.

It's so important for your journey to be fully honest with yourself. It could be what is holding you back in your journey.

Football Moms

2012-08-14T22:53:00.002-04:00

Tonight I got my feelings stepped on by some little league football moms. Here's the story.

The middle had his first scrimmage tonight. The team we were playing was a team within our league. The team moms from both teams were scattered around the field socializing with each other before the game started. Since I was there alone, I decided to approach some moms that were standing and chatting.

As I walked towards them, I took notice that most of them were slightly older than me (maybe by five years or so). There were two categories of women standing in the group. There were very well put together moms, with their perfectly coordinated accessories and not very practical for the football field shoes. And there were the decked out in name brand tennis skirts and moisture wicking shirts with very well placed pony tails (the kind with hair wrapped around the hair tie and perfectly styled bangs). Before I ever opened my mouth, I felt like an outsider in my tshirt, khaki shorts and running shoes.

When I reached their circle, I wasn't greeted (warning, warning!) by a single one. They continued their conversation, and I listened. One of the perky fitness ladies mentioned her morning workout. Ahh yes. Something I can relate to. I started trying to chat with them, and one of the ladies looked at me and retorted, "You work out??"

It got silent. They all stopped talking to each other, and stared at me.

I explained about my weight loss journey, told them about my past few workouts, shared about my progress. When I finished, the skeptic shrugged and simply responded with, "Well... good for you, I guess." And with that, the ladies went back to speaking with each other.

I stood around for another several minutes before finally wandering off to find another place to hang. I actually ended up better off for it. I spent a good portion of time tossing a football around with the oldest. We did a plank and wall sits together. We enjoyed ourselves immensely. And I got some exercise in. SCORE!

But....

I have to admit... It bothers me.

I've known this sort of thing exists. Hell, I've experienced it enough. I guess I was just hoping that I wouldn't experience it as I continued to lose. Yes. I'm still a big girl. I know that I'm not anywhere near 120 pounds. I realize that it is going to be quite some time before my body comes close to reaching that point. But at this stage in the game, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm leading a healthier lifestyle than probably two-thirds of America, including some of those perfect ponytail ladies in their sports garb. It's the knowledge of that fact that allows me to keep my head high in spite of being judged by people who don't know any better.

Well, that, and knowing that one day, I will have the smokin' fit body of their dreams... and I will have the experience of just how shallow they truly are, and know to avoid them. :)

Truthfully, I continue to be convinced that I have had the experiences that I have had to be able to more effectively relate to people who have been in my shoes, and have the capacity to help others without any condescension or judgment. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, and entirely empathetic to others.

So, at the end of the day, the snooty women did me a favor. Rather than standing around having small talk with shallow women, I got a solid hour long workout with my kid, gained an additional level of compassion, and took a few more steps towards my goal.

For those keeping score at home, the final was: Snooty Football Moms: 0; Deanna: 3

Speed

2012-08-10T12:26:00.002-04:00

This morning, I got out of bed, I had a quick fueling breakfast, I got my workout gear on, hydrated, stretched, and hit the road. I walked/jogged a round-trip on some back roads near my home for a grand total of 2.70 miles.

As I sat on my front porch recovering, I found myself caught up in the fact that my "time" for that 2.70 miles wasn't "respectable" in my mind. I came inside, still somewhat discouraged, and logged onto facebook. As I started scrolling through, a photo jumped out at me. It said: Whether it's a 14 minute mile or a 7 minute mile, it's still a mile.

Wow.

I'm one of those people who believes that there are times that you will hear exactly what you need to hear at a time that you need to hear it most. This was one of those times. Here I was, after accomplishing a 2.7 mile walk/jog with multiple hills that were extremely challenging, and I was beating myself up because I didn't complete it as fast as I thought I should have. What is wrong with me?!

I am going to continue to push to improve my time, because that will show the progress in my journey, but I refuse to allow myself to mentally browbeat myself if I have a day that it's slower than I think it should be or have done it in the past. There will be days that I don't perform as well as others. That doesn't mean that I'm not making progress towards my goals. The fact that I am making the effort to get out there and complete a variety of workouts is something to be proud of. That includes my morning trek, regardless of the time I made.

I completed a 2.7 mile walk/jog this morning. And I am proud of myself for doing it.

Get That Girl A Cheeseburger

2012-08-08T14:54:00.004-04:00

I keep hearing and seeing all of these comments lately, and I know that you've seen them too.

Get that girl a cheeseburger/steak/etc.
Men want meat. Dogs want bones.
Real women have curves
Skinny girls are for wimps
Fat people are more fun
Yadda, yadda, yadda.....

There is a complete double standard that exists right now. It has become completely socially acceptable for people to bash women who are thin. Why have we decided that it's okay to say these sorts of things? I would be completely devastated if someone looked at me and said "Take the cheesecake away from that woman."

You can call it the "Fat Acceptance Movement" if you want, but the truth is, you're fooling yourself. This is bullying. Plain and simple. Making any statements or implications that thin girls are any less of a person than girls who aren't thin is no different than any other judgments placed on people.

The problem lies within the fact that unfortunately that old schoolyard adage that bullies pick on people to make themselves feel better actually holds water. For as long as our generations have been alive, the people who were fat have suffered in silence, and have struggled with self-esteem. With the positive pushes towards increased self-esteem, loving oneself in spite of size, and accepting our flaws as part of who we are, an unhealthy detour of tearing down people who aren't fat has developed. The people who were bullied are gaining in self-confidence, but instead of using that new empowerment by focusing on themselves, some are now completing the cycle and becoming the bullies.

I, for one, have always felt that I became a fat girl as a sort of karma. When I was young, I was thin. I didn't have to work for it. I was active, and everything came extremely easily to me. I ate whatever I wanted, and I had a high enough metabolism that it didn't have any negative effects on my body. I would look at heavy people and I would think, "Geez. Put down the twinkie." It wasn't until I became 150+ pounds overweight that I understood how wrong my thinking truly was. And now that I'm on the flip side of the coin, I will not buy into the propaganda of bashing thin women and tell them to eat a cheeseburger.

I am clearly not an advocate for the movement that is gaining in popularity in our society today. I refuse to support the terrorism of my thinner counterparts. The fact is, what makes me a woman has nothing to do with my size. I am no more, nor am I any less of a woman at 267 pounds than I was at 130. I am not defined by my weight, eye color, hair texture, annual salary, or any other shallow quality about myself. Those things are part of me, but they are not who I am.

We have the power to change what society thinks, because we ARE society. It's time to push for a new movement of love, not hate. This sort of thinking is not only destructive to those who are on the receiving end, but also to those who are on the giving end. Hate breeds further hate, and it is only a matter of time before that hate turns inward and you will start to once again hate yourself.

Build up one another, friends. Be encouraging. And most importantly, be kind.

Riding The High. Accepting The Low.

2012-08-07T20:53:00.002-04:00

I shared that though I haven't been blogging, I have really been on track for about a month. What that looks like in actuality is I have tracked every bite that I have put in my mouth on My Fitness Pal, and have not exceeded my calorie goal for a total of twenty-one days, as of today.

I have three people who have complete access to my food diary and exercise log. I have an accountability partner (who happens to be the best friend anyone could ever ask for) who communicates with me throughout the day. We make sure that we are both working out, staying on track with food, and staying hydrated. We discuss everything from salt intake to cravings to emotions. You name it. Nothing is off-limits.

I am sore pretty much everywhere. I am doing exercise a minimum of four days per week. I am so completely proud of myself that there are almost no words.

It feels amazing.

And yet, just yesterday, I was standing in front of the mirror, and I said to the hubs, "I think my [flab] is getting worse instead of better. Ugh." And you know what? It is.

As I am losing, my body is in this weird "drooping" phase. The hubs says I look like the contestants when they are at the midpoint on The Biggest Loser. You know? When it looks like their entire body has fallen six inches? Yes. They're definitely thinner. But they look like they have been put in a room with an abnormal amount of gravitational pull. That's me right now. And truthfully, it's a little discouraging.

Don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I am SO THRILLED with the progress that I continue to make on this journey. It isn't an easy one, and I have taken a lot of missteps along the way. But it is so rewarding.

The frustration comes from the fact that I am definitely a bit of an instant gratification personality type, and I'm very hard on myself. So when I look in the mirror, and I see things getting worse before they get better, it's a little difficult to put on a brave face and remember that it's only temporary.

Unfortunately, this isn't something that I can make disappear. It's just something I have to come to terms with and get over. It is the realization that with the journey comes positive and negative side effects. My body is changing, but it isn't going to be perfect. And the creation of new "bulges" means that there is less fat filling those in and rounding those out.

I am getting thinner. I am getting healthier. I am a work in progress, and that means I have to accept the lows while riding the highs.

Stormed Out

2012-08-06T20:59:00.002-04:00

Tonight I had great plans. My oldest is away for the week. I was going to send my middle off to football practice with the hubs. And the little and I were grabbing the stroller and we were heading off for another glorious walk/jog with less whining.

And then ten minutes before time for football practice and the blissfully peaceful walk, BAM. It started storming. Football practice: cancelled. Walk/jog: same fate. Talk about disappointment. I was utterly heartbroken.

I went about my evening routine. Spent some quality front porch time with the hubs. Mopped up a great flood following the little's bath. Mopped up the mini flood the little created with the middle's water bottle. Cooked dinner. Sent the boys to bed.

Now it's almost 9pm, the rain has subsided, and it's too dark to be randomly wandering down country roads. Le sigh.

But all is not lost. The hubs and I concocted a fun game. And over the next two hours, while we are watching our guilty pleasure adult shows, we are going to be challenging each other to mini-exercise sessions each commercial break. I intend to do 3-4 minutes of jogging in place, jumping jacks, one minute planks, yoga poses, squats, lunges, pushups, and several other spurts of exercises with my honey until we wind down and head to bed.

My plans got stormed out. But I didn't.

Vegetarian Broccoli Casserole

2012-08-06T13:37:00.005-04:00

It's Monday. And I have started working to participate in the Meatless Monday movement. Today I went on a search for some new meatless recipes. I had some broccoli in my fridge that was close to the end of it's life, so this is what I decided on.

DISCLAIMER. Yes. I realize cream of ___ soups are not the healthiest, cleanest things in the world. But the fact is, I was looking for a moderately quick lunch, and I do keep a couple of them on hand because, well, let's face it... sometimes you just need to make something quickly. You are more than welcome to make this a cleaner recipe by substituting your favorite clean eating recipe for the cream of celery soup.

Vegetarian Broccoli Casserole

Ingredients

1 Box Uncle Ben's Long Grain & Wild Rice, prepared as instructed
1 Can Campbell's 98% Fat Free Cream of Celery Soup
1 Medium Vidalia Onion, Chopped
4 Cups Broccoli Florets
2 Tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
0.5 Cup Sharp Cheddar Cheese
Salt and Pepper To Taste

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350.

Heat two tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. While that is warming, chop a medium onion and if your broccoli isn't already in florets, chop it as well. The size of the chop really doesn't matter. If you or your kids are picky about onion, you may want to chop it finely.

Cook the wild rice as instructed. Set aside.

Saute the onions in the olive oil until they are semi-translucent, or approximately 5 minutes. Add in the broccoli and continue to cook another 4-5 minutes, or until the broccoli begins to soften and becomes a dark, rich green color.

Notice the onions that escaped my pan by jumping out onto the stove. I always have escapee things from my cookware. Get used to seeing that.

After cooking the additional 4-5 minutes mentioned above, combine with the rice (All the kids in the pool!) and stir to mix thoroughly.

Spread into an 8x8 glass baking dish. Top with half a cup of cheese. I know that doesn't sound like much cheese, but I promise it's enough!!

See?? Plenty of cheese.

Bake at 350 for 20-30 minutes, or until the cheese is melted and the casserole is nice and bubbly. Serves 6.

Nutritional Stats - Per Serving

Calories: 236

Carbs: 34

Fat: 9

Protein: 7

I had mine with a sliced heirloom tomato from the garden, sprinkled with Italian seasoning.

So, here it is! You guys be sure to comment and let me know what you think of it!! :)

~Deanna

Start Where You Are

2012-08-05T19:46:00.001-04:00

Did you know that I'm an athlete? No, really. I am. I love being active. I have always enjoyed hiking, running, volleyball, front yard football, swimming, tennis... but not baseball. Well, let me rephrase. I enjoy baseball. I just completely and utterly suck at it. That whole "keep your eye on the ball" thing never seemed to click with me. I wanted to be good at it. I really did. But I'm not. And probably never will be.

Anyway, point being, I love all those things. I love being active. I love working out. Seriously, I do. It's disgusting, I know. So what's the problem?? Excuses. I have a whole list of them. Here are a few of my favorites:

I can't do what you used to. I'm too out of shape/fat.
I'll make a complete fool out of myself huffing and puffing in front of everyone.
I don't have the equipment I need.
It's too hot.
It's too cold.
It's too early.
It's too late.
I'm too tired.
Today is too busy.
I don't want to do it by myself.
I don't feel super great. (NOTE: This refers to the excuse, not legitimate illness!)
I'll have to find a way to drag all the kids along.
We can't really afford the gym membership.
I can always do that tomorrow.

I could individually debunk each of those, but that one quote posted in the photo above handles it all. Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. Some days that comes so easily. Some days it doesn't. The bottom line is, there have been days that every single excuse, whether I considered it legitimate in my head or not, popped up at some point in the day. But the only way that I am going to reach my goals is if I suck it up, push through those excuses, and put my health at the top of my list of priorities.

Today, around noon or so, I decided I needed to get myself moving. My husband was at work. My littlest was napping. It was HOT and the middle of the day, when it is only going to get hotter. I was on a time crunch because of things scheduled for the evening. I wanted to go running. I love to run, but I absolutely can't run. So what did I do? I got the jogging stroller out of the storage building. I had my older two get ready. I got myself ready. And when my little woke up from his nap, we piled out of the door and started down the road. Literally.

I ran the Nike Runkeeper app on my iPhone. We got about ten steps out the front door and my oldest started commenting on how hot it was. We barely made it out of the yard before the middle started complaining about how he didn't want to do this. Within 0.3 of a mile, he was in a full meltdown, complete with screaming, crying, coughing, gagging, and threats of throwing up and passing out. By half a mile, he had completely stopped and was standing in the middle of the road screaming that he wasn't going another step. At 0.8 of a mile, I told him we were almost to the end and ready to go back, while he trailed behind me continuing to wail about how miserable he was. At 1.0 miles, I turned around and started back towards home, and him, since he had stopped and sat down on the side of the road crying just shy of 0.8 of a mile. When I went past him and didn't acknowledge his begging to "please stop and take a break" so he could recover from his dire illness, a new, even louder onslaught of wailing began. My oldest now joined in the fun, by complaining about his complaints.

I'm pretty sure that at this point, all animals within a 20 mile radius scattered out of sheer fear, and some family 15 miles away considered calling 911 to report the severe abuse of a child somewhere. I can almost imagine the call. "I don't know what they're doing to that baby, but all I know is I hear screaming. Lots of screaming. Maybe even gnashing of teeth. Come quick. Hell has been unleashed on a child somewhere near to here." At 1.6 miles, a car drove past. I could feel the sting of the driver's glare through the rear view mirror as she drove past and witnessed the continuing screamfest that my six year old was unleashing. My oldest continued to complain about the whining and wailing going on behind me. At 1.7 miles, said child professed this was the dumbest thing ever, and he was never walking again. Ever. At 1.9 miles, our springer spaniel greeted the screaming child with concern, and was completely in his way in her attempt to console him. He was not amused. At 2.0 miles, my front porch was greeted with shouts of, "OH THANK GOD!!!" and my middle child promptly disappeared through the front door. We didn't see, nor did we hear anything out of him for the next hour. He then appeared, and requested a bath. He spent two hours, yes you read that correctly, in the bath. I had to force his happy, chattering self out. After all, he needed to relax after all that running.

The end result of the day? I had a million reasons not to go. Once I started out the door, that million grew to an infinite number. I had every reason to throw my hands in the air and throw in the towel. But I didn't. I pushed my little in a jogging stroller down the country road near my home while my middle child wailed and my oldest complained about the wailing. For two miles. Did I make brag-worthy time? Hell no. In fact, the entire round trip of two miles took a grand total of 40 minutes. But, I burned just over 400 calories, which is precisely just over 400 more than I would have burned sitting on my butt in my house. Was it stressful? A little. But it was also a little comical, truthfully. And I feel soooo accomplished after doing it. Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY.

Besides, it should be interesting to see how the middle will manage it next time... since he's not walking anymore and all.

August 2012 Progress Photo

2012-08-05T10:51:00.001-04:00

Well, I still have a long way to go, but gosh! Look at how far I have come!! :)

Yay for continued progress!!!

Things They Never Told Me About Weight Loss: Stumbling Is Inevitable

2012-08-04T15:57:00.002-04:00

Start Weight: 314
Today's Weight: 267.8

I am discovering that there are about a million things that no one ever tells you about weight loss. I decided to make it a sort of series on the blog. I feel like if it's something that I didn't know before getting involved in this thing, it's most likely something that most people don't really realize until they're thrown into it as well. And let's face it, it's nice to know something is coming ahead of time so you can prepare. So, my lessons learned the hard way are now your lessons learned through my journey of self-discovery.

Today's lesson? Stumbling is inevitable. We are human. Humans are imperfect. So by design, there will be a time that the journey will take a detour. It may only be one meal. It may be one skipped workout. It may be a week or a month or a year, but at some point, we will fall.

Please notice, I said fall. I did not say fail. There is a difference. And that difference is what will distinguish between reaching your goals, or not reaching them. No one ever told me this. I was always under the impression that the key to successful weight loss is catching some kind of magical bug that spurs the motivation and willpower within me, and once that switch is flipped, I will chug along steadily making awesome choices, living the lifestyle change, and dropping the weight. And the fact is, it just doesn't happen that way at all.

There continues to be a constant battle within myself between "good and evil" so-to-speak. I WANT to eat the foods that are bad for me, but I also WANT to eat the healthy foods. It is the most peculiar combination of emotions that you could imagine. It's a continuous thought process of, do I want to make the choices that will get me to my goal or do I want to indulge in this food that I know will set me back. And truthfully, sometimes the bad for me food wins out.

Where the progress comes into play is learning to make calculated decisions about what foods to eat rather than giving into impulsive decisions based on temporary emotions. That sounds like a mouthful, but the bottom line is, all too often, as an emotional eater, I am tempted to eat high fat/high calorie foods based solely on something that I am feeling at the moment. After that moment passes and the decision has been made, I enter a period of deep regret. The regret leads to a sort of depression that I did something "bad" and that sadness in turn results in further regretful decisions. It's a snowball effect.

The difference between that and what I do now, is I genuinely think strongly about every food that I put into my mouth. And for the things that I choose to indulge in, for whatever reason, are adjusted for accordingly, whether through additional time working out or adjustments in my caloric intake the rest of the day.

I posted that I got knocked down, but I got up again. And the fact is, a large part of my journey has been a series of events that I have allowed to knock me down. I keep getting back up. In the grand scheme of things, I gained back about 25 pounds of what I lost when I had initially set forth on this journey. But the good news is, in the past few weeks, I have managed to get back on track and I have lost about 15 of that, and I am within 10 pounds of being back to my smallest point.

I took a step back from blogging because I wasn't sure if it was helping me or hindering me, but I really believe that spending a little bit of time routinely hashing through my thoughts as I travel on this road is helpful to me. I also have found that your comments, encouragements, and kind words mean more than I could ever verbalize. Hearing from my readers, both the ones I have met "in real life" and the ones that I haven't, serve as a level of accountability and motivation that I can't really find within myself. That being said, as a shameless plug for this blog and to hopefully encourage my success, if you would share this blog (pin it, tweet it, facebook it... you know...) with anyone who would share the interest in following my journey, I would so appreciate the additional support. <3

Thank you all for continuing to cheer for me. You are amazing, and you matter.

I Get Knocked Down, But I Get Up Again

2012-04-26T10:26:00.000-04:00

Life is a bully. She'll throw you around, kick you when you're down, and outright abuse you until you're left crying and begging for mercy. She is relentless, and will break even the strongest of people.

Over the past few months, I have allowed myself to become utterly overwhelmed by life. I got knocked down. I have been kicked and beaten and have been through the wringer more times than could ever be considered remotely fair. I got knocked down. I faced and continue to face hardships that no one should ever have to face. I got knocked down. Things in my world began to spiral out of control completely. I got knocked down. I could barely find the strength to muddle through my days, much less attempt to do something as difficult and as great as a weight loss journey. I. Got. Knocked. Down.

But I got up again.

I have a lot of things in my life that I have to work to get to a point that they are manageable. I have a long way to go. But, I have to start somewhere. Over the past few weeks, I have been working to get my mind out of the horrible place that it has been in, and tried to adjust my mentality to give myself the firm footing that I need to get a handle on my world. As a result, I am feeling more in control and more centered than I have felt in months. I am dealing with some personal and external demons, big and small, one by one. I am working to close one chapter of my life and to open a new one. It isn't easy, and it isn't without road blocks. I have made many mistakes, and I am taking the steps necessary to own those mistakes and do what is necessary to make those mistakes right.

The process is painfully slow. Things that undoubtedly would seem to be the simplest thing, are in fact multifaceted and complex. I am fighting with myself to take a deep breath, and try to be patient with the growth, changes and actions that need to happen to get to a place that I'm ME again.

I am holding onto a thread of faith that the things that I have no control over will begin to turn around. And I am working on myself to have the strength to take hold of the things that I can control. I'm working to get a handle on the things that I let go in my midst of depression and my struggles over the last few months. I'm picking up the pieces that fell on their own, and the pieces that I have allowed to fall. I'm moving forward. And while life continues to beat me up, I refuse to allow her to continue to break my spirit.

I got knocked down, but I got up again.

10 Things No One Tells You About Weight Loss

2012-01-07T14:48:00.005-05:00

I really thought that I was fully prepared for this weight loss journey when I began it. I know more about nutrition and exercise than the average bear because I tend to be one of those people who "researches" everything. However, being six months into it, and having lost 60 pounds, I can tell you that there are things about weight loss and weight loss journeys that no one every told me, I was totally unprepared for, and I really wish I had known them ahead of time. I decided to make a working list of things that I've learned along the way, and here are the ten major things I've found so far.

10. Not everyone will be supportive of your journey.
The first thing I really got smacked in the face with when attempting to lose weight was a lack of support. Some of the lack of support was intentional and blatant, and some of it was definitely very unintentional. But, the most important thing is, I have definitely dealt with a lot of road blocks in my journey, from well-intended food pushers to all out losing friendships. The fact is, there are a lot of reasons that people prevent you from achieving your goals of getting healthy. But, no matter what they are or how well-intended they may be, your health matters, and you have to remember that in every situation. No one will argue with that.

9. The cravings are horrible, but they really do get better.

The first three to four weeks of a weight loss journey are miserable. No, really. They are. Most people who begin a journey to health and fall off almost always fall off within that time frame. Why? This is two-fold. Firstly, it takes that length of time to reset your chemical balances. What that means is, until you have reprogrammed your body, it is going to be missing the things that you had been putting into it, even if they weren't healthy things. Secondly, it has been proven that it takes approximately 28 days of a new habit to break an old one. So in addition to your body physiologically craving the foods that you used to eat, your brain is also telling you that you aren't fulfilling the old habits that it's accustomed to. The good news? Once you get past that first three to four weeks, it gets so much easier. You don't crave the sweets, fat, and salt that you used to eat nearly as badly. Am I telling you that you will never want french fries again? No. But, I am telling you that you won't want them every 30 minutes of everyday.

8. No matter how consistent you are, your losses won't be.

You ate everything that you were supposed to. You worked out, and really pushed yourself. You drank plenty of water. You got the appropriate amount of rest. So why the heck didn't your scale go down this week?! Truthfully, there are a lot of things that affect the rate in which your body loses weight. No matter how well you follow your plan, and how consistent you are with your journey, there will be weeks that you just don't see what you want to see on that scale. Weight loss journeys are not neat and clean. The scale will be all over the place. Some months you'll lose tons of pounds and some months you'll barely lose one. It's important to keep the overall goals in mind and remember that as long as you're being truly honest with yourself and you're really sticking to everything the way that you should be, the end result will be that your body will catch up. Try not to fixate how you feel about your journey based on what the scale says any given day. You'll only succeed in discouraging yourself from doing something wonderful.

7. It's not just how many calories, but also where they come from.

I count my calories. I keep up with how many I've taken in, and how many I'm burning. Calorie counts are important in weight loss. However, what no one ever really told me (or was it that I didn't listen), is the source of your calories is super important to your progress. It really does matter that you give up white flour, because white flour doesn't through your system or fuel your body the way whole grains do. It really is important that you balance getting protein and carbs in each meal, or you're going to have an energy crash or get hungry in no time flat. Food truly is fuel, and what you are eating is making a difference in how your body performs, and how you feel. If you don't know much about nutrition, one place I started was with You: On A Diet. While I wouldn't consider the book the easiest read, it has so much great information about how diet affects your body that I really think it's a great place to begin gathering information on nutrition.

6. When you start working out or increase your intensity, your weight will go up.

This has been the hardest thing for me to deal with so far in this journey. It is drilled into our brains that the harder you work, the more exercise you do and the more you push yourself in that exercise, the better results you'll see on the scale. The week I increased my workouts from low impact walking to incorporating some P90X, my scale went up FIVE POUNDS. Chalene Johnson wrote a fantastic article for SparkPeople.com about this. She really addresses each aspect of why you may be gaining weight with a new workout regime. The biggest thing to keep in mind is that these gains are temporary, and you absolutely must not allow them to discourage you.

5. Weight loss is extremely emotional.

I have made no secret of the fact that weight loss has made me feel not only bipolar, but crazy cakes in all capacities. This journey has been the single most emotional thing I have ever done. I am having to really face all of the things that I have allowed myself to bury that have kept me fat. I'm reopening wounds that I put bandaids on and ignored. In addition, I'm dealing with the emotions of the journey itself. Losing weight can be exhilarating, and also frustrating. I continue to mourn the loss of the old me that could eat a meal and not pick apart the nutritional value of it, or could have a few drinks and not feel obligated to keep track of them to make sure the calories are all accounted for. There's a constant roller coaster of celebrations and disappointments, and for someone who has always escaped from emotions in food, the emotional chaos that a weight loss journey creates can be overwhelming at times. It's also a very good place to learn healthy coping mechanisms to prepare you for the various life struggles that will await once your goal is accomplished. Treat the emotional ups and downs as lessons for the future. If you can manage through this, you can manage through anything.

4. You're stronger than you think you are.

Think of the farthest you've ever run, or the most weight you've ever lifted. Now, come to the realization that you can absolutely kill it. With the right mindset, and the right workout fuel, you can accomplish anything. You are way stronger than you think you are. I was talking to a friend, and telling her about my workouts one day, and she asked me, "Where do you find the energy to do it all? Seriously?" My response, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to be able to. No one told me that wasn't doable, so I just... did it." When you move past what the world tells you that you should be able to do, and you shut up the voice in your head that tells you that you can't, you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish.

3. Losing weight doesn't solve your body image issues.

So, I've lost 60 pounds. Obviously my body has changed. What do I see when I look in the mirror? You don't want to know. The fact is, losing weight doesn't change the way you see yourself. If you want to lose weight because you think that being thinner will increase your self esteem, you're wrong. As you lose, your body will change. You won't start losing and immediately get a strong, toned, firm body. While I'm feeling thinner and better about my size, I've traded my "problems" for a different set altogether. At the end of the day, you just have to work with changing your thought process and push the negative self-loathing thoughts out. Focus on the things you love about yourself, and the things that you're accomplishing as you get healthier.

2. Weight loss shows are inspiring, but the results aren't realistic for most people.

I'll admit, I love watching shows like The Biggest Loser and I Used To Be Fat. It's truly inspiring to see people reaching their weight loss goals. However, these shows can be dangerous. Fact: The people who are on these shows have personal trainers who oversee every aspect of their weight loss. They also have dedicated their entire existence to weight loss. What that means, is they're eating to fuel workouts, and they're working out as if it's their full time job: eight+ hours a day. While I love these shows for the motivational aspect of them, please be careful not to get discouraged with your own journey because it isn't living up to what you have seen on TV.

1. The best way to avoid getting overwhelmed is take it one day, one meal, one workout at a time.

Bottom line, it can be overwhelming to look out at your future, and know that you have a long way to go. Goals are important, and it's absolutely imperative that you keep the end in sight, but don't get so hyperfocused on how far you have to go that you give up. Don't think about tomorrow. Live in the moment. Take your journey one step at a time. Make good choices at THIS meal. Push yourself in THIS workout. Let the next ones worry about themselves. Just like pennies add up to make dollars, baby steps in your journey will add up to your ultimate success.