Life before my eyes

End of the road

2011-10-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

I am in crossroads again with my life...I felt like Veronica in "Veronica decides to die". A novel by Paulo Coelho, the story revolves around a mid 20's girl who seems to have everything but decides to commit suicide by taking pills. I don't know why I feel this way since like Veronica, I seems to have everything. I have a good job with a good pay, I just recently bought a house for my family with my hard earned money. I am successful..if you define success with someone that is my age but was already a manager in a company. I don't have problems with money anymore and I think that I have already made peace with my past or at least a semblance of contentment. But I am not yet happy.

Now, that is the question. Why am I not happy? I should be happy...I already have everything that I want from life...the career, the material wealth, the life I wanted, travelling to foreign countries and Europe to be exact...but why I am not contented. I should be....but I am not.

I wanted again things that I have not, a child, a husband, a family, a business. And again, I feel as if something is missing from my life. Is it just me? or I really cannot feel the contentment because I don't want to happy and I will not choose to be happy? Forrest Gump said that "Life is like a bag of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get". And I do get it. I know that my life has been a surprise to everyone. If my life will be a chocolate...it's an M&M one. I had lived my life the way I wanted it to be, based on people's expectations of me, based on my family's need from me, based on my sense of fear not to be someone like my dad.

And now, I felt like I should live my life the way I wanted it to be. The problem is, I don't know what I want it to be. I had lived my life so long being the responsible daughter, the responsible sister, the responsible me. I don't know how to be at loose with myself, how to be who I am. Can I just throw away every good sense that I have and just live according to my wishes? But I have a lot of wish...I wanted to see the world but I wanted to have my own business. I wanted to have my own business but I am afraid to risk it all. I wanted to risk it all but I am afraid of what the future brings.

I know I am a person with lot of idiosyncrasies...and I am a conflicting one. I hope that as I am writing this...I already knew what I want from life.

What now?

2011-08-20T03:46:00.000-07:00

I am back again..after a long silence and a month vacation in the Philippines..I am back again in a foreign land...to work...and work..for my family and future...

What now? I question myself..why I am still back..I don't know what my future lies ahead..I feel lost again..yes..I still have a dream...but I don't know if this dream could be able to appease my loneliness..yes..I am lonely..I don't know why..maybe because I miss my family..miss them so much all I wanted is to go back...

I can have the same career I have now..back in my country...I can earn the same what I am earning now...but I don't know...maybe I want another thing...someone to love perhaps...someone to take care of?

Where is he? Why I cannot meet him? Why I can't see him? I hope that I well..but right now..I will just wait...Wait until God gave him to me..I hope that someday..I will meet him or God will allow me to meet him...

Father's Day

2011-06-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

This is father's day..a day for all father's and a day where kids can tell their father's their admiration and love. This is the day on which I dreaded most..because this is the day on which I can no longer tell that love to my father. My father died 4 yrs. ago and until this day, I regret that on every father's day, I was not able to tell him my love. All I had done and showed to him is my hate...hate and anger for the neglect he had done to us. I am not a perfect person nor my father is. That I know now. If only I have known yesterday what I know today..I will tell him that I forgive him. Forgive him for the neglect, for the sadness, for the anger and for the hate. I forgive him for not being a father to us..to me..to my siblings...I forgive him for the violence, for the domestic abuse. I am now moving forward...to a future that is unknown..that is very bleak..to a future that I fear..for myself and my family...

They say that things happen for a reason..but today..what is the good thing that happen? Today, I have learned that I fail again..as a sister...I will never forget this day...the day I learned of my youngest sister pregnancy...I cried and cried that almost all the tears had dried on my eyes..I cried because of the disappointment..of the guilt..of the love...I had loved my family more than I love myself...All I did was to give them a good life...an education that was not given to them by my father...but in the end..i have failed. I was betrayed for the second time because of love. Love...it is an elusive word...it is a very big word...I hope that in the end..love is better than ambition...because that is what she did. She set aside her ambition for love...I know that this love will lead her to failure..the guy and my sister are not even ready to have a family..my sister does not even know how to take care of herself..so how can she take care of the growing person on her belly. Am I really that cynic when it comes to love? Did I really failed her? I don't know..all I wanted is for sister to have a good life..a life which is different from our past. Due to neglect, my father was not able to take two of my sisters. They were given up to my aunt in the province to have a good life. But now, history is repeating itself again...if she cannot be able to take care of her kid, she will give her up again. Why is it happening to our family...I am really tired of all the problems..I am tired of being strong...in the end..I have failed.

My sister is a talented artist...but because of neglect..because of her starvation for love...for acceptance and low self-esteem..she is throwing away what she is and what she could be. I hated this feeling of helplessness...that I cannot do anything. I don't know if I will be able to trust again or fall in love after this. Because I don't believe in love anymore..it only gives me pain.

Papa..I am sorry I was not able to forgive you when you are alive..but do forgive me now. Please help us what you haven't done when you are still alive. Help my sisters see the truth and help them forgive you and love themselves. Teach them what you haven't taught them when you are alive. That nobody or no one can really love us but only ourselves.

Beware of the US Diversity Visa Scam

2011-03-20T14:33:00.000-07:00

A week ago, I received an email from a certain organization "USAFIS", which says that I have been selected as one of the diversity visa program winner for receiving a United States Permanent resident card. It says that I became a winner due to a lottery administered by the department of justice. The letter says like this:

"It is also known as the Green Card Lottery. The lottery has been administered on an annual basis
by the Department of State and conducted under the terms of Section 203(c) of the Immigration and Nationality Act (INA).
Section 131 of the Immigration Act of 1990 (Pub. L. 101-649) amended INA 203 to provide for a new class of immigrants known as "diversity immigrants" (DV immigrants).

s part of the agreement we will issue A FREE Airline ticket from your country to the USA to claim your Green Card under
the American Green Card Lottery Program. The ticket will be sent via post mail at your address registered with us once your visa
will be remitted by the U.S department of State.
The U.S Department of State will should contact you soon with visa processing information and how to proceed further.

If you have any question regarding the visa please wait for the U.S Department of State to contact you as we do not have any competency to discuss further details with you.
What should you do now ?
Wait for the U.S Department of State to contact you and give you the information about visa processing and how to proceed further . "

As a person who came from a third world country, this letter is like heaven sent. But then, if you look closely, you will know that it is a scam. Why? because how can I win on something that I did not even entered? Now, this is interesting. So for all of you people out there that have received this email, please be careful. Scrutinize the emails you received, ask yourself a very big question and always remember that if there is a doubt, search into the internet if this is a scam or not. Otherwise, you will end up losing your hard end money to some skunk or organizations out there who prey into the people's hope and feed them false hopes. Beware of scams and use your mind always. Some of the things that are too good to be true are just not true. Check this link for stories on this. www.gmanews.tv › Pinoy Abroad › Top Stories , myusai.org/.../warning-emails-requesting-payment-for-us-diversity-visas-are-scams.html

-Life is not perfect on this earth but sometimes, some people make it even worst -

Endometriosis and me

2011-01-13T11:44:00.000-08:00

I am now at rest and on a half day sick leave because my endometriosis strikes again. When I was 13, I was diagnosed with a hormonal imbalance, a very common disorder among women. I have heavy menstrual period that last for almost a week and I really suffered a lot from it. That's why, I always dread periods, instead of its symbol as the joy of being a woman, it became a liability to me. I even contemplated hysterectomy at age 30. Not yet married, single and never been with a man, this decision is really a big leap for me. I really don't want to suffer anymore. All I wanted was just the peace and tranquility, the joy of living without suffering every month. I am suffering for almost 17 yrs. now with this disorder. I have already one surgery and five blood transfusion. Been in and out of the hospital for most of my latter life.

I have suffered most of my lifetime to a lot of things, child abuse, poverty, dysfunctional family, loss, hatred, anger and now, this disorder. Sometimes, I ask God why me? I tried to become a better person everyday, I may not be perfect but I don't disobey. I always try to do the right thing but sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want to shout. F**** this life.

Then you see other people like you, eventhough you don't want to compare your life with them, you cannot help it. I know everyone has a story to tell, life is not what it seems. But then, you see theirs as perfect, or at least 90% perfect. You tend to look down at yourself, evaluate life and feel alone and discouraged. You feel an anger towards destiny who wouldn't want you to be better, you feel an anger towards life in general, who doesn't want you to be happy. You question your creator who seems very happy with your suffering. You question yourself, if there are things you should have done better and this is just a result of karma.

But then, you always come back to reality. You always come back to your creator. You always come back to acceptance. Because to suffer and have this attitude will only make you suffer. It will not do good for me, there's no other way but to accept. That life isn't perfect and mine is a testament of it. That sometimes, there are things that happen on which you have no control over it, there are people who are nasty on which you cannot change and there is the future on which you don't know yet. But there is present on which you can at least be happy and happiness is futile without acceptance. Besides, you only see people that is above you and never beneath you or at least parallel with you. Then you will know that you are not alone. That there are others who suffer, from the same poverty, from the same disorder, from the same life and heartaches. And others are even worst, they are stuck with that sufferings and still cannot go out. But you have the option to get out and I did.

I did get out from everything, I still remembers but I choose to forgive and accept. Forgive life, forgive people. Accept life, accept people. I choose not to be a victim of this disorder and other things that happened in my life. I choose to become the victor and I will be. Because at the end, life is not about being a victim, of suffering but rather life is about change, for the better, for the life you wanted and you deserve.

Here are the links of the site that had helped me cope up with this disorder.
http://www.endo-resolved.com/heal.html http://www.womens-health.co.uk/endo6.html
Hope that someday, we will have a better life free from this disorder.

Life before my eyes: Beware of Prepaid Cards Scams

2010-12-23T16:04:00.000-08:00

http://www.ofwguide.com/article_item-1266/Beware-of-the-SMS-Scam--New-Roaming-Number.html

2010-12-23T16:03:00.000-08:00

Beware of Prepaid Cards Scams

2010-12-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

I am proud to say that I am an OFW. This is a term used for overseas filipino workers. We are called the "new heroes of the land" because of the the money we sent to our loved ones back home.

This is a day before Christmas but I am pissed off. I recently learned from my sister that she became a victim of this prepaid card scams. Someone texted here claiming it was me and she was told that it was my new roaming no. The "FAKE" me asks her to buy prepaid cards that will be our new business venture together. She will buy the prepaid cards and send the "FAKE" me the pin. What is so frustrating about this is that my sister falls from the trap. She borrowed money from her driver husband and buys the prepaid cards. She dutifully did it for a week without contacting the "REAL" me about this. And what really pissed me off is that she spent almost 15,000 because of this. WHAT A F***!!!

My blood goes high after hearing this story. She should have informed me immediately but instead she did not. What makes me angry is that why did someone do this kind of vile thing to another human being. As OFW, I am sacrificing a lot for my family. But then, with this??? I know it is only money but what I really want is to expose the person doing this. I will vow to expose this dirty modus operandi.

This is really the best gift ever. I hope whoever he/she is, she/he will rot at the bottom of the sea. I hope that someday, the "karma" will not get him/her. As the song goes, "What goes around, comes around". That is the universal law of karma. Life will goes on but be warned. I am coming to get you. Whoever you are!!!

Facing the truth

2010-12-06T16:11:00.000-08:00

I was surfing the net in the other night when I came up to a website made by a man named Martin Gilbert II. At first, I went to the website out of curiosity and I have read some of his posts. He said that he is gay and I am applauding him for that. Being open and honest is one of my greatest fear in life. I hate judgment from people that's why I am hiding myself from them. For 30 yrs of my existence, I am running and hiding and hiding still. I really want to go out and be open to people. Let them see who I really am. Let them judge me if they can. Let them accept my failures and mistakes.

I want to shout to the world that I am alive. That I am here. That I matter. For a lot of years, it is hard for me to be open to people because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of ridicule. I have been to a lot of rejections and I am ashamed of my past. The past that is eating my soul. My father died 3 yrs. ago but I am still a prisoner of his cage. The cage that he had put us, the anger that he had given us, the pain that he had bestowed us. I wanna be free. I wanna go out and shout to the world. That I am a survivor. Survivor of child abuse. Survivor of life. But why I am still ashamed. Why I am still hesitating. I know a lot of people think that I am boring. That I am not lively. Maybe, I am. But I know I'm not. It's just that a lot of things had happened to me that they can't or will not relate to. Because theirs is perfect. They had a family who love them unconditionally. They had a father who cared about their welfare, who protects them from harm, who had worked hard to give them everything they need, a good college education, a good life, a stable humane emotions, a happy person that they are now. They have a mom who continuously love them, whom they love in return. A mom who is their strength when they are feeling down. A mom who will be there no matter what. A strong mom who loves her husband dearly and the mom the husband loves very passionately. A mom treated by her husband equally, with respect and admiration. Brothers and sisters they also love dearly. Who loves them in return. Brothers and sisters who continuously move forward. Who never gives up. Who is always there when they need him/her.

How can I relate to them. When I don't have what they have in their life. How can they relate to me? When all I have is a void in my heart. The fear in relationships. The fear to lose control. The fear of being known. I am still searching for my destiny. The thing that will surely make me whole again. The love that I still connects with pain and anger. The forgiveness I am still working on.

All I have is a dysfunctional family. A family who can barely takes care of themselves. A family full of secrets and shame. A dependent family. Dependent to each other for its own happiness.

How can I tell them the truth. Do I have to say everything? Do I have to disclose all the facets of my life?
How can I ask them to listen? Can I be truthful? Can I say that I had hated my father and until the day he died, was not able to forgive him? Can I say that I was a victim of child abuse? Both physically and sexually?
Can I tell them that I am afraid of the touch of a man? That I am afraid of being with a man? That my sister was sexually abused as a child and I think, I know, I am a witnessed to that? Can I tell them how fuck up my life had been before I turned around and lied. Lied about my age because I don't want to face the truth? Because I am ashamed that after graduation from secondary school, I was forced to worked in a small food establishment? Me, who had graduated with honors in elementary and became a scholar on a private school in secondary. Graduated salutatorian in secondary school. But stopped for 4 years. Worked in various odd jobs, in various fast food chains, became a miser in some part of that 4 yrs. and never had a direction on my life before. I thought that if I lie, I will going to erase those past mistakes, the 4 yrs. of misery and pain, the childhood I had, the anger I had kept in my heart for such a long time and the past that continues to haunt me still.

I want to shout to the world that I am a survivor. And yes, I am different from all of them. From the people that I knew. Because theirs is a good life, and mine is what? A bad life? No, I will have to lie that it is. Because it is not. I am still hurting but at least, I am acknowledging. This will be the first, to myself and later to the world.

We are a survivor. My family, my mom, my sisters. Theirs is a different story. Different defense mechanism. As I am writing this to all of you, my family is still the same. My eldest sister is still in pain. She is still in denial. She is coping by being a people pleaser. By not letting others see who she really is, what she is capable of. And I tell you, she is capable of a lot of things. Because she is one of the talented persons in my family. She is a poet, a writer, a song writer, an english diva, an artist. She is like my alter-ego, but with pretenses too. She is still ashamed of how her life turned out. How she did not graduate from college. She shied away from her friends, lost contact with the people that matters to her. She will crumble when life turns into something she can't and will not cope up with. She is a runner. She will run from her problems, from life, from things if her world will turn upside down. She quits if she doesn't want to fight. She worries about everything, her life, her health, her dreams, her job, her boss, her friends. She is a worrier. She used to love to kill herself, to torture people especially me, that she will kill herself. She will undressed and go down the bed. She will pretend that she has a mental problem, a sick mind, so that I will rescue her. And she love to be rescued by me. I used to hate her without me knowing it. That I hated her. I am angry with her before, because she is not the sister that I want. Because she depends on me on everything. Because she is supposed to be my elder sister and not the other way around. Because she will not accept her responsibilities. Because she is much weaker than me and she is supposed to be strong. Because she had entrusted to me the responsibilities that is supposed to be her. Because she refused to grow up and share with me the responsibilities. Because she runs and does not accept her problems. But I also love her. Her gentleness, her freedom to be someone not in control with her life, someone I am, a boring one. I admire her generosity and yes, I do understand her now. At least, a little. And someday, I will.

Then, there is my younger sister. The sister who was given everything. The sister who graduated from college at a prestigious university. The sister who did not stop her studies, who did not give up her dreams, the sister who married young, the sister who depends on her husband for almost everything. I was angry with her too, before, when I learned that she is pregnant. That was in 2004. 6 years ago. She is supposed to graduate. Like me. She is supposed to go back to us and help her mom, her family. But instead, she chose to marry young. She chose a man over us. I was angry, feel betrayed. Here I am, a single person, who focused all her life on her studies, never dated, never been kissed. And I am alone. I thought that she will share with me the responsibilities of helping our parents. Of helping her youngest sister to go to college. Of helping our family at least escape from the plague of poverty. But she did not. She fall in love and get married. She wanted a family of her own. A family different from us. A man she will love. A man who loves her. A man different from our own father. She wanted to have kids, beautiful kids she will display to the public. Kids she will dote and adore. But how can I blame her. Of wanting those things? Maybe, I was angry because I also wanted those things. But I did not choose my wants. But rather, I choose my family. How can I blame her? She did not grow up with us. She, together with my youngest sister, lived with my aunt when she is 10 and the youngest is 6. Yes, we had been broken as a child. I never knew her, what she wants, what she loves, what she needs, what is her fears, her dreams, what happened to her during those times, living in an aunt who maltreated them, who physically and verbally abused them and later, living with an uncle who sexually molested her. How can I harshly judge her when she also suffered like us. Like me. I never knew how hard it was to live without your parents, because I have one. I am the only one that my parents retained when they decided to give up their children. Maybe that is also the reason for my great sense of responsibility. I feel responsible for them, because one way or another, I am grateful to them. Now, being 30 makes me see life in a different perspective. It made me more understanding about my sister. My only regret is that I was and wasn't yet close to her. But I am building that relationship. This time, I am not buliding it based on my wants, based on my expectations from her, but based on love. I still have a long journey to go before I reach that. It is hard for me and still harder as the day passed. But I will reach it. I will reach that destination on which I will love them unconditionally.

And then, there's my youngest sister. My twin look alike. My same temperament. The bane of my existence. Why? Because, in all of my sisters, she is the most difficult one. Difficult to fathom. Difficult to read. Different temperament each day. Very stubborn. She is the one who had been my enemies before. She doesn't want my advice. She doesn't want to be controlled. She wants her freedom. She is very proud. She doesn't want to ask for my help. She wants me to give it to her. Now, this is the sister who doesn't need me. That even if she is hurting, she is in pain, will not accept my help. Will not listen to me. Will do her things according to her wants, her needs. Before, we used to fight a lot of time. Verbal attacks, physical assault. Sometimes, I got frustrated with her I became the person I hated. My father. I became violent that until this day, I regrets but still lives with it. She is the sister who did not worked, became a miser for almost 2 yrs. She even became hypochodriac. Like she had so many sickness that can't be treated. She will not work, she will not response to anything I said. She is so difficult. At least with my eldest sister, I know she listen. But this youngest sister, doesn't. It's like she wanted to punish herself for something. She wanted to die but was afraid. How frustrating. But right now, I am beginning to understand her. She had her faults, she is very stubborn, yes, but she does listen. All she wanted my approval and like a bitch, I only given her my acid tongue, always criticizing, always reprimanding. She is also one of the talented persons in the family. Intelligent, very good in drawing and can do almost anything you asked her. But sometimes, what she needs is just guidance. And not my controlling attitude. That is why right now, I am starting to build that bridge of trust again. That she can do whatever she wants, that I am just here if she needs me. But I will not control her. She is like me. So I will just support whatever she wants in her life. I do hope could hold on to that promise. I do hope that someday, I can be a better person.

I do hope that someday, I can face the world. The people that I lied with, the friends that I betrayed, the God that I continues to distrust if things go badly in my life and the men that I choose not to love. I hope that I can tell them the truth. About my life. My existence. Without asking for approval, for judgment.

In memory of the Maguindanao Massacre

2010-11-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

I was in the Phils. a year ago when the Maguindanao massacre had happened. What I felt when I heard the news is anger and pity. Anger for how some people had a callousness to kill others just to have power and money. How killing is just like a common way of thinking for a fiilipino person who supposedly came from an only catholic country in Asia. I heard from the news that hundreds participates on the killing. Why it is so? Evil will only become one if there is a follower. Why did a lot of people follow a mastermind? Are these people have no conscience? Don't they believe in God, as their church teaches? I have always wanted to probe to the killers mind. What prompted them to do those things even though they knew it is evil? Is it money, fear or just plain callousness? So many questions but no answers. Because at the end, whatever their reasons are, it does not justify what they have done. It will not bring back the 56 people killed in the massacre.

I also felt pity for them. Pity because they have no mind and heart, they are like robots who have no emotions. Because I always believe that if only people will listen to their souls speak to them, no evil will walk on this earth. No war will be fought. No poverty will be experienced. No blood will be shed and no innocence will be crumbled just for an ambition of one. If only people will... But alas, some people just listen to others and not to themselves. They listen to false promises of good life, material things and love of power. Power will bring money and they wanted an ounce of it too. But what they don't understand is that with power comes great responsibility. Not to oneself but to others. Not to evil but to good.

I felt pity for them because in the end, they will answer to their conscience. And sometimes, when you hear the truth, it will devastate you till the end. I do hope that in the end, they will listen to this truth and they will speak the truth. And tomorrow, justice will be served.

Sometimes

2010-11-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we wish to become someone other than who we really are. I wish that now for myself. Wishing that I could be strong, that I have confidence in dealing with people, that I am friendly and easy to be with, that I am charming, that I have money so that I can retire from my work and do things I really love to do, that I don't have a family whom I love but sometimes I am tired helping them, that sometimes I wish for that someone to love me or just even care for me.

I wish for a lot of things, but I knew that at the end, sometimes, wishes do come true and sometimes it's not. I just wish that I could have the courage to stand up to people, to tell them who I really are and woudn't care about their feelings. I wish all my problems at work will go away. I wish that I could be a better person. I wish that someone would notice me and at least for a day fall in love with me. But then at the end, life is life. Some other times, sometimes became definite. Sometimes, it's blurry.

How I wish for that sometimes.

A person is a person

2010-10-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

They say that words hurts...and words spoken could not be taken back...things that we do to others will come back to us...I believe all of those sayings are true...but sometimes there are people who tend to hurt you with their words and actions and they seem oblivious about it. Maybe, they are just plain ignorant or just plain mean...i wanted to believe the former over the latter. Believing that people do things without intention..without malice..but sometimes..others have...purposely..they want to hurt people around them with the callousness of their voice..with the callousness of their actions...I feel that way today..I don't know if she is a bully but she is really plainly ignorant about her officemates feelings...her name is C..she is a good person..she is generous but sometimes..she really wanted attention too much..she craves for it...she is very competitive...as if she knows everything..I know that she is a bright child...that she is intelligent..I saw JR on her again...and I feel bad about her..bad because she doesn't know that her actions hurt a person sometimes...bad because in the end...people will also treat her the way she treats people..maybe I am just mad or plainly hurt...who wouldn't if you will be spoken as if you are stupid in front of your colleagues...because you just made a mistake..everyone makes mistakes...even she I think..because not all of us are perfect..but then..maybe she thinks she is...and worst of all..she is doing this to me when both of us are just equals..we are both managers...maybe it's my fault too..I come out weak sometimes...I always ask questions...who wouldn't if you are just new in an organization...besides..I don't want confrontations...I know people..I can read people..and I can read her...she is just lucky there is P who loves her....who put up with her attitude...sometimes..I feel pity for P..he is like a stupid dog waiting for the order of his master..and she is his master...well...i wish them both luck..I don't want to feel this way that is why I am writing...and crying...she is the 2nd person who made me feel that way..even my partners had not talk to me that way...I forgive her callousness..her hurtful words..but I will never be the same with her again....maybe that is the reason why all of her friends are going to other countries now..actually, I can sense something..the way her friends are treating her...of course..they are polite and ok with her..but there is a distance..maybe..they also resent her bossiness...and who wouldn't...I am quite bossy too but I now know that sometimes..we have to be always catious with our words and actions..because in the end..it will speak of who we us as a person...and that will never lie....

Neighbors in Europe

2010-10-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

A very funny thing is happening in my flat here in Malta. I live in a two bedroom flat with 2 women on the 2nd floor. Every past 1am, I always hear some noises in the ceiling of my bedroom. At first, I thought that my neighbors in the 3rd floor are just arranging their furnitures but it seems odd that they are doing it on such a time where all people are supposed to be sleeping. I continue to hear it on the wee hours of the morning. It took me some time to realized that they are not arranging their furnitures but rather having sex. Oh..my....this is really funny because today, the noises are even stronger and I even hear some moan....what a life...I'm lonely and alone in bed and somewhere, people are having sex. Well, that's life and what can I do, this is Europe anyways....

Malta

2010-08-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

I am already in Malta for 2 months right now. The transition is hard because I am not used being away from my family for such a long time. I have mixed emotions, happy because finally some of my dreams are coming true and sad because I miss my family. Somehow, I'm at peace with myself, it's just that I have no friends here, I found some but it's really hard to penetrate their group. They have known each other for such a long time and I cannot top that. They are all gregarious and I am not. They are into things which I am not. I wanted to explore Malta but I have no companions. Even the Maltese people from my office are somehow wary of me, I don't have that effect on people. I don't engage on animated conversations and I'm not a spontaneous person. I don't know how I can survive here but if I want to, I need to find friends I can really trust. I also need to change my attitude, be more joyful, gregarious and approachable. But how can I? I have been like this for 30 years now. It will be really hard for me to change. I hope I will find a good friend here, even 1 is enough. or just a love one, a person who will support me or just be there for me.

I don't know if I can change but I will try starting Monday. I will greet people and try to talk to them. I will be more joyful and just be myself. I should not be afraid to speak because otherwise I will defeat my purpose on going here and that is, to build my confidence and to develop my communication skills in english.

I hope I will find that someone here, someone to love. Even for a day. I don't need a long-time one, it's good only while it lasts and if it will last forever, then ok but if not, it's still alright.

I know I will find that someone..

Good and bad things

2010-03-15T07:34:00.002-07:00

A lot of things happened to me during the weekend. First, I need to conquer my fear of going to the hospital to have a blood transfusion. I had a disease called menorrhagia, which is in layman's term is called "heavy menstrual bleeding". I had this disease since I was 11 yrs. old, since I started my monthly period. I will have menstrual bleeding for almost 2 weeks and the most is a month. Last week, I just have a two weeks bleeding and I lost a lot of blood. The irony of this is that I have a phobia with blood. Tomorrow, I will go to the hospital and will have the blood transfusion. I am really afraid....really..really..afraid. Then, I will have an operation, it's called D&C "dilation and curretage". My endometrium is really thick and two years ago, I had also a D&C. It's really scary, especially for me since I am still a virgin and it is usually done for women who had miscarried. But then, I also have hormonal imbalance. My blood clots especially during stress. A lot of people adviced me to get married in order to balance my hormones but what they don't know is that I don't know if I will marry. I am a cynic when it comes to marriage.

So much for the bad things, at least I have a good thing coming for me. I had been accepted a job in Malta, a country in the Southern Europe. I am looking forward to go there and start a new life. Maybe, learn to be happy and have a semblance of peace.

The Breakdown

2010-01-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight, as I was facing my computer, my two eyes are misty because of crying. I am crying a lot, a lot, a lot. A little while before, I am actually contemplating the biggest decision of my life. Dying......

I went home at exactly 6:30pm, and I need to go home..to get out of the office..the confines of work...I need to get out..because otherwise..I'll die..of shame and guilt, of self disgust and eventually, shame because I need to cry. I cannot lose control in the office..I cannot cry..people will think that I am a cry baby...I have a reputation to uphold..people think I am weak...I am a manager after all and a manager will crumble? I will be the laughingstock of the office..the grapevine...the only time I cried was when my father died..and its not even in front of everyone..it's on the ladies room..I crumpled on the tiles...I wanted to shout but I can't...because the numbness is still a shock...hearing the only man you have ever loved and hated is already died..at first...I cannot comprehend..Maybe it's the guilt. The guilt that has been eating me inside since the day I decided to hate rather than love and forgive..the day I decided to be materialistic rather than be supporting...they say..you regret the past until it became a past..alas it's true...I am ashamed telling this...my family doesn't even know this..I pretended I did not know because it is much better..that you doesn't know..but I can't anymore..I can't...I need to get this out from my system...that until the end..I became the person that I don't want to be..at the end...I choose my work over my father..you see...I denied it in front of everyone..I even denied it to myself..telling myself that everything is a plan of God..that what is past is past..that my father's dying has nothing to do with what I have done...but disgustedly..it is the truth..the truth is..even if I continue to swear my innocence..even if I continue to tell my mom that it is her fault I was not with my dad when he dies...the truth is..I know..I know that he is dying but I ignored it..I ignored it because I believe he will not die..that the text message I received from my sister is just a joke...A JOKE..I am the joke...my sister text me..4 hrs before my father died in that hospital...she told me that my father is really dying..that he is really suffering..but I ignored it...I ignore the feeling..I embraced the hate..he is an immortal man..no immortal will die without even asking for forgiveness..his life will be meaningless if he dies..God will still let him live..because he is a sinner..and sinners don't die young...but at the end...the only reason that I ignored it is because I don't feel a thing about it...I did not believe...If only..I believed...If only I went there to give him his forgiveness..maybe..I will not be this person...what did I become..a shallow person who only enjoys adoration and gives advices..wise advises but ignored the truth..that I am a shallow person.....in the end..I even chose my job over my dad......

Judge me if you can..I will now speak the truth..the secret that has been haunting since the day my father died. Why did I become this person..incapable of loving...incapable of being happy....I thought I could get happiness from my job..if I become a manager..but in the end..why I still feel the shallowness inside my heart...is it because I feel so ashamed..that the only thing I am good at is not really the thing that I'm good at?

Yes..I failed even my job...the job that I had loved over my dad. Failure is never easy..it's really shameful..to dedicate your life to doing the right thing and in the end..the irony will struck you down..because when you only fail for one time..that is the greatest failure of your life. It is only one engagement..but that engagement completely erase my sanity...yes..I wanted to die a while ago..when I am crossing the street..something came to my mind..what if I just let myself be hit by cars....I am a coward..I did not do it...because really...it's only my pride...dying for a job..this is ridiculous...my dad died without me telling that I forgive him and in the end, I loved him...now..that job is not really the worth it...because family are the people that will love you no matter what but a job is just a job.

10 yrs ago, I am in ground zero. I decided to gave up being hopeless and live again for my dreams...but those were material dreams...only material dreams...after 10 yrs..I am going to decide to live again..but this time..for the truth..for my real dreams...for the things that I really need in life and not what I wanted...I don't know what will happen..I don't know if I will be happy at the end..but right now..I wanted to be a writer..this is what I really want for my life.....a creator of dreams..a person who love herself not because people love her but because she really is happy with herself. Maybe..10 yrs ago..I chose the wrong path..10 yrs from now..maybe i will change the path that I decided to take upon starting my 30th bday.

Not knowing

2009-05-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

I am now at home and I did not go to work. I really feel bad because of my cough and I have colds. But then my restlessness have pondered me to read books, novels, romantic stuff and ..I dreamed about it again. I feel that I wanted to fall in love. Having one man to take care of you, love you. But then, who am I kidding? I am already 29 yrs. old, my bday have passed and I still have no one. I know what is wrong with me, I know men are intimidated by me. I am such an enigma to them. I bet if I only given a colleague the approval when he was flirting with me, I could be the one who is with him and not his wife right now. But then I know I will only have to live with the people’s expectations of me. Because he is a good catch and I wouldn’t know if I want him because I like him or just because he is a good catch. Maybe, I really don’t know what is love. I am such a cynic for 29 yrs. and I now know that what I feel about A before is something like “he is a good catch and we look good together” thing but it is not love. Because love is what I feel for my family, that even if I feel that their love is not enough, that I am frustrated because I am the breadwinner and they keep on clinging to me, I am still here. With them because I love them.

Sometimes, I just want to feel that thing, that thing they called “love”. How it is to fall in love? Be with a man, share your joys and sorrows. I don’t know that, I don’t have that “intimacy” with a man. Why? Maybe because of my past. I was never been close to my father and what I feel for him before is more of hate than love. It was only when he died that I felt that what I feel is love. Because I was hurt by the betrayal and hurt steams from love.

I don’t know what I will do now. People at the office said that I will be promoted but I don’t know if I will believe them.

I hope my sister will not think of resignation. At the end, she is still fragile. If things go bad, she still crumbles. I hope my friend will find time to love herself and see what she needs to do to achieve her dreams. I hope that my other sister will be strong and have peace with her past and try to be more independent. I hope that life for us will be better in the future. I am not asking for the best life. A better life is fine. Even if I became successful to my career and not even have a love life. I want to have a kid someday but I will settle for a career right now. I don’t know if God will give us the right man that will love us someday but I hope my sister and friend will have that. Because I know that with my sister, she want it too. But we still don’t know what the future holds for us. And that is the beauty of the future, you really don’t know.

I am alive

2009-03-11T10:50:00.000-07:00

Valentines day had come and gone and I am still the same…single…As I look back to the past years, I realize that there are things that aren’t meant to be…the same with my application abroad…I am frustrated but then what can I do..I cannot go on having this feeling..I know I have to accept reality and fight back. One of my colleagues had already went abroad. He did not pay his loan from me. Why it is that even the fraud people..are successful…is there really a thing called karma?…me..still here..accepting the sad reality. Sometimes, on times like this when I am tired and I’m really down..I feel how unfair life is..first..I watched fated to love you..my god..I am on the low again because of that…I realize that I am already 29 yrs. old but still no love…I don’t know if my destiny is really not to have anyone..at least other people have experienced how it is to be courted and there are us who don’t…actually it's fine with me if I have no love but then my career is also on the low…I want to leave my present company but I don’t know what I will do after that…I want to invest in a business but I don’t know if I have the guts to take risk to spend all my savings when I have no one to fall back after that..I don't have a father or mother that will take care of me…I only have a sister who can barely take care of herself..a youngest sister who feel so lost..more than what I feel..I want to go abroad..to start anew..to live some of my dreams..especially security..since I know that I can't have that by just marrying a rich man..but still no luck..no one even want to hire me…I really feel so down right now..

Is there really such a thing such as fate..the romantic in me wanted to believe..even for a moment..just for a day, I will not feel as if I need to control my life in order to have the things that I want…I wanted to have a moment wherein I don’t need to think before doing something…just plunge into the unknown..just be human and alive for a moment..but alas..I am still a coward..I cannot still do that..I am afraid to lose control of my life and do a stupid thing..because at the end of the day..I am still an analytical person…I only do daydreams..of someone loving me..sweeping me of my feet..just for one night..make me feel that I can forget my worries and just do something reckless..someone who can be the driver and just take care of me..

It is not that I am tired of taking care of my family…I still want to help them..it’s just that..I wanted to fall in love..hey, I know that I used to say that I have already but I think that is not true..what I feel about A before is only an illusion..it is just that people think we are perfect for each other that I felt the same way too..but then..it died down..so it is not true..What I want is magic..even for a night..

They said be careful what you wished for..cause it may come true..but then I know that what I have is only wishful thinking…I have already wished so many things that did not come true..I wanted to go abroad but I haven’t. Abroad doesn’t want me..I was not even successful here in my country..I also know that love “true and faithful love” is not true..maybe it does come true with other people but in my family..it did not give us anything..only betrayal..hatred and anger..Maybe there are people who are really lucky..who fall in love with the right person and have their feelings reciprocated but not on my family…so how can I believe or know if there is one..even if there really is..when I don’t believe in that thing anymore…I just want to feel it for a day..and if tomorrow I wake up and reality sinks in..that what I really know as truth is the truth..then at least..I can say that I have at least a day…

But then, maybe I was only affected by the series..and the series is only a story on TV…maybe the truth is..even if I look fierce in the outside, even if I look so happy and strong..I am also like other women..wishing it to happen to me..

But then, even if this doesn’t happen..at least I know that it is not because I am unlucky..its just that there are some things you just can’t force to happen..that there are some sacrifices in life and love..that sometimes there are who have everything and there are us who have to strive the hardest to achieve their dreams..people like me..

A friend doesn’t have it too but at least, she has her father and family who supports her in every endeavor she want…I also have mine..who loves me in their weirdest way..or maybe cannot give the correct or right amount of love and affection..that I think I need..but in their own way..I know they loved me....

I came from a family who doesn’t even build on love but rather on just being together..of being afraid to be alone ..a family with history of physical and verbal abuses and people marrying for the wrong reasons..maybe…that is why..I cannot feel it and the same with them..maybe that is why all of us have issues when it comes to dependency, love, commitment and many intimacy feelings..but I understand it..sometimes I just accept it..tolerate it and learned not to ask for something more..sometimes..I ask for more.when I am being human and let my emotions get in the way of me..emotions that lead me to anger and stress..and danger…and guilt and a lot of negative and bad things…that is why I now know how true the saying that if you are the master of your emotions..then you are the master of your life..

That is why even if I feel as if I am unattractive and no one even want to court me..I know that it is not true..because I am a beautiful person.even if I look so strong..I am also weak and romantic..I am a good person..maybe not in everyday but still find time to be one..I know that if a person will know me..I am a credit to someone…I am intelligent and at least I can take care of myself..but being alone is is still a blessing..because at the end of the day..I am afraid still to love…coz I know that there are many issues within myself that I need to resolve..issues that was within myself even when I was a little girl..years of abuses and hatred…issues of being incapable of letting go..of wanting still to embrace the past..and not let it go..I know I need to..so maybe..being alone is better for me..because at the end..life is not a fairytale..maybe other lives are..maybe..some people find that something…something magical..but there are also others like me…who only hopes and prays that someday..life will turn out better for us…maybe not the best..just a better life..having achieved some dreams even if not all of it..a little bit is enough….because people like us can’t be choosy..

I just want to have security..invest on a home..that is why I want to go to abroad..I only want a peaceful life..a business I love..selling and reading books…writing stuff like these..writing about people’s lives..writing some novels…watching the movies and series that I want…guiding people…talking with people..reaching out to abused children and just being true to myself…my name..I am 29 yrs. old..yes..I am already older..I stopped after secondary school for 4 yrs…My father was an alcoholic, gambler, abuser and irresponsible person when he was still alive..but now I understand him..he was also a victim of a not so loving family..an abusive environment…the truth that I am afraid to lose control and be like him..to die without even doing the things that I love to do…and yes…I want to let go of the pain even if the past will still haunt me..and yes…I am alive.

My Failures

2009-02-11T10:23:00.000-08:00

They say that life happens for a reason. Today or this year, it was again my rejections and failures. First, I learned that I was only 4^th in the ranking. Well, it’s fine that A is ahead of me, but Andrew? I don’t think so. How do the bosses grade us? Didn’t my boss considered my efforts especially in the engagement when I overtook the job of delegating and mentoring people? In my PMDP, he graded me 3 in all the criteria. How about people skills? I should be 4 for that since that is my strength. I know I’m not good with communication, I know I am sickly. But one thing I am, I tried to do the things in a right way. Yes…I am also a bad loser…yes..i’m also competitive..and yes…I am plastic. I would like to try a big engagement because it will give me the training I need but then, I think it’s not for me. I know life happens for a reason. I know that there are things God want for me..in store for me. Another one of my mistake..one of the greatest mistake of my life is when I did not pass the exam for a certain company abroad. I should studied for the exam..I should careered it. My pride made me stupid again. A friend offered to help me for the exam and I did not accepted it. I am such an idiot. Why I always end up making the same mistakes I have done in the past? First, my studies, I stopped for 4 yrs. 2^nd, my current job, I did not also passed the exam at the first time in my current job. Third, I always lied to people to covered my pride. I am such a liar….telling everyone that I passed the exam but I did not. But looking back at my past mistakes…it helped me a lot..because in the end… I became successful..I gained new friends..I know I should not question God…but what it is really for me. Doesn’t abroad is for me? If not, what it is? Will I meet the person I will marry on the country I will go to? What it is God? What it is? Maybe, all I need is to relax. Maybe, a big company is not really for me because at the end, my current engagement is much better than a big company. Maybe..abroad is not for me..maybe..I will be accepted at San Francisco. San Francisco is my dream job. I really want to go there. I really want to go to the United States. Please God..I want this too much…I want to go to the US. I’m ok now..the ranking is ok with me..afterall, it’s only a ranking..it does not determine your life. I know I have to be good at communication skills especially English. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to enroll at an English class.

There is also a revelation for me. The subject of the Correspondents, a show in TV Channel 2 is about incest. I don’t know why I’m crying. The truth is, I don’t know if I am victim of one or a victim of child abuse. The truth, there are some things I cannot remember from the past. I don’t know if I want to believe that Tess is a victim of one. But I know that I want to. I also know that somewhere, I know child abuse. I know that I could ether be a victim or a witnessed to it. I also know that someday, I will have the courage to face the truth and talk to a psychologist. I also want to volunteer to PREDA. That’s where the incest victims are treated. I also want to volunteer to the Women’s Desk where all women who are victims of abuse are also treated. I had been one and I had witnessed one for almost 26 yrs. My mom, how she suffers in silence and we all suffer with her. How it affected our life, the life of my sisters and how it made me who I am today. I am a cynic. I know I will not marry anymore. I don’t know if I could give myself to a person..my trust when I don’t want to lose it. I know that I didn’t need to envy a certain friend. A year before, she was not even considered for the promotion. Besides, she is really good. She deserves all the break that she is experiencing right now. Maybe, it’s just my pride. It is one of the 7 deadly sins. I need to curb it. To be human as possible. Thanks God for all the blessings you have given to me. Thanks for the failures and mistakes.

Truth and Lies

2008-12-31T11:12:00.000-08:00

This is new years’ eve and it’s one of the saddest one for me. I cried because my family (except a sister) does not want to go to a nice place. Maybe they really does not want to go but I know that they just want to make me suffer because of what happened yesterday. I had a quarrel with my sister because her daughter S has tantrums and knowing me who lacks patience told her bad things, things I kept from her because I don’t want her to know and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. And since I am really bad, I had blurted out that because her daughter has many tantrums, she will be a pain in her ass, the reason why she was having a hard time…she really felt bad about it, and then it escalated to anger on which I told her that like mother, like daughter. Her daughter will be pregnant at 16…..I know it’s bad but what is done is done…I know I can’t change anymore…sometimes I feel that I will be a saint if I will not be bad anymore. I even feel that my mom does not care about me because she also does not want to go if my sister will not go. Even my youngest sister has a fit. My bad self wanted to hate them forever. That I can just make them homeless….but then…I’m not really that bad…I know why I’m sad and angry..because I feel betrayed again. This time by not having a normal life anymore…since before…I wanted happiness then I realized you can’t achieve it so I have asked for normalcy instead. Now, in the coming 2009, I will now let them go..let them go…LET MY FAMILY GO…it’s not that I will not help them anymore…it’s just that I’m letting go my LOVE for them..maybe that is why I feel so bad..because I feel that I have loved them too much and in the end, they does not feel the same way for me…

I know they also love me..in their own selfish way..but still..it is not enough for me because I had loved them too much…that is why I am letting go of this feeling…I will just let them be the people that they want to be…at the end..it does not matter if they love me or not…because at the end…we will live by our own choices and I don’t want to be the same person anymore…the person who had loved her father, hated her father and let the love and hate go by being indifferent instead..at the end..I regretted being indifferent to Papa, if only he knows that I loved him still and the love was still at the top of hate…

I don’t want to hate them and be indifferent to them..not to feel anything, so instead of breaking my heart..that I will hate them..I will let this love go..that is why I am writing..to remind myself that ..I am just letting them love me on their own terms and choices…maybe at the end..it will never be enough for me or at the end…they really are selfish and does not love me..but does it really matter? No..it does not…at the end..what matters is that I had been able to love them in a good way and not in a controlling way…so I will just accept their decisions and make mine…because at the end…I don’t own them..they are already old enough to make decisions for themselves..I will not blackmail them…I will not tell them bad words..I will just let them be themselves..even if their choices will led them to regret in the end..because at the end of the day..we lived by our own choices…

That is why I will pursue my dreams abroad..I will not fight my destiny anymore..even if that destiny will led me to make a decision that will eventually separate me to them…because at the end…I would like to have a life of my own someday..a family of my own and I cannot achieve that if I continue to loved them that much..I will let myself love someone outside my family..someone worthy of my love…it doesn’t mean that I does not love them anymore..it just means that I am decreasing my love for them to love others as well the way I loved them…

Because at the end..we does not achieve normality…we only achieve a semblance of it…we does not tell the whole truth 100%, we only tell a semblance of it…So fuck normality..we can only have abnormality…dysfunctionality.

I am not sad anymore…I am half sad..to tell the truth…..I am accepting the dysfunctionality. Life is life…Love is love..to tell otherwise is to tell it was a LIE…A LIE TO LOVE TOO MUCH AND A LIE TO LIVE AND DREAM BIG…COZ TRUTH HURTS BUT TRUTH IS THE ONLY SEMBLANCE OF FICTION THAT WILL NOT TELL A LIE.

Another failure and Unfairness of life

2008-11-28T10:39:00.000-08:00

Today, another failure had happened to me. I now confirmed my suspicions that I did not pass the interview. It’s really hard accepting reality. I cried a lot and I cannot tell anyone because I am ashamed to tell everyone that I am a loser pretending to be a winner. I am such an idiot. I did not know why I did not passed it…is it because of my voice? Is it because of my English? I really don’t know…whatever it is..it only means one thing..I am not for that company..and what it is for me? US? UK? Australia?

I admit…I’m really jealous of my colleagues success…coz why me? I have done everything...answered all the questions..but they just don't want me, it's just plain and simple as that..whatever it is…I can't do anything about it anymore..

I am ok with rejections..since I was a child..my father rejected my offer of love, after graduation from secondary school, I was rejected by the schools I have applied, only college is the best thing that happened in my life..after college..I was rejected by company I want to work with..I pursue it again, and at the end, they have given me a chance….and now…I was rejected by another company and another company..and I was also rejected by other firms that I applied with…but still..it's not yet the end of the world..I’m tired of fighting my destiny…it's better to accept reality..that even if I cried a thousand tears...I can't do anything…maybe there are others like Andy who gossip people, who is a fraud but still wins..there is me who tries to mentor people..to be the role model of my staff..who treats them equally but loses..there is another colleague who had a good family, a loving, kind and rich boyfriend and there is me who has no love life..as in zero..who does not even had a relationship or not even experienced someone courting me, who had a very lousy life, who had an alcoholic, gambler, smoker, miser and abusive father, a dad who died without even knowing how I feel, a dad I hated all those years and died without knowing that I loved him..even in the end..

A sister who in order to escape an abusive uncle who sexually molested her, married young to escape the truth, an older sister who has obsessive compulsive behavior manifested by control issues since she wants to escape reality due to a sexual molestation she experienced as a child, a youngest sister who wanted to escape reality by clinging to her pride in such a tight way, and a mom who wanted to escape reality and the abused as a wife by pretending that everything is ok and nothing had happened and now me, a 28 yr. old woman who wanted to escape reality by pretending I’m 25 yrs.old, already had an experience with a boyfriend who had loved me once, a web of lies I don’t know if I can get out…

Now who says life is fair….coz now I am a loser still…

In the end..as usual..I will accept this coz it’s better this way..I had already cried and I think..maybe..I was really born a loser and I will die as one..coz even if I dream big..I still lose….

Man's rejection is God's direction

2008-11-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

Today, a lot of people in the office are going to apply abroad. If they will be accepted, I will be the only one left in our batch. I don’t want to but I was rejected by that company. Actually, it’s my fault too because I did not pass the exam. If I could only die, I will. I am so stupid but even if I cried a thousand tears, I cannot bring back the lost opportunity. Oh my God, I am having self-pity again. Why me Lord? Why you are always testing me? It was always been the same for me, failures then success. Then, failure and I hope after this, success. I will not lose hope. I will fight back. I will apply to every company there is. I will surrender my life to you. Just help me go to other countries, whatever it is. I’m ok with it God. Does I really need to have rejection to know what I really want to do with my life? In the homily, Man’s rejection is God’s direction…what is mine Lord? What is my direction? Please lead me to my direction. I’m really clueless. I don’t know what to do. I want to become a writer but I don’t know if I can write. I want to be a lawyer but I don’t have the resources/money to pursue it. I only want to invest a home for my family, my future. That is why I want to go to other country. I want to have a new life in a new place. Begin anew. That company is really the answer but sadly, I blew it up. So here I am, back to zero again. Don’t know what to do.

I just want to go to other countries especially US but I’m really depressed right now. I had applied to a lot of firm but no one is contacting me. Please help me…I am imploring you. Just give me a chance. I am already 28 yrs. old. I haven’t invested anything. I don’t have a love life..my career is going down. I will not be promoted next year. I know for a fact that life does not give you everything. Maybe, there are others who have everything, but there are us who had to work hard to make a living. To live with our dreams. To fly with broken wings. I know that what I feel for A is just a fleeting moment of insanity. I did love him but he does not feel the same way. This is a one sided love and I hate it. But I will survive. I had before…with the first man I love..my father…I had hated him for such a long-time that I did not allow myself to fall-in love and have crushes on anyone. And when I let down my guard, boom…A stole my heart…but look at us…just a memory..a good memory and that is what it will remain. Since I now know what is love, I now resigned myself to become a matron, an old lady without a man. So just give me back my dreams…I don’t care if I will be lonely someday…I cannot have everything. Just don’t let me on the dead end..no Love, no Career. I will surely die God.

My First Love

2008-08-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

This is the day that I will never forget because it was the last day of A. A is my greatest secret and no one knows it but only me. At the office, I’m so good pretending I don’t care about him, as if he doesn’t exist. But the truth is that I had already fallen in love with him. Actually, I don’t know if this is love….I can’t define what love is. It was not even a physical attraction because he was not my ideal man. He is not handsome or tall and he has a dark complexion. Dark complexion is fine with me coz I am fair skinned but I like tall men. His eye looks like he came from Arabic descent, piercing while I like men who had expressive eyes. It was one of my fetish. The eyes. I also like men who are funny and extrovert and he is not. I really don’t know what happened between us. When I worked with him in an engagement, that is when I start to noticed him. Before, I really did not feel anything about him. He was not even my crush. Maybe, that is what love is. You’ll never know when it struck you and maybe, there is really a possibility that if two persons are working together, a man and woman, there is a possibility that they will develop a feeling for each other. I don’t know when it started, I can’t remember but all I know is that I started to have dreams about him…about us together. Sometimes, those dreams are even naughty ones…sexual fantasies and stuff. I’m really ashamed talking about this to another person because A had already a girlfriend and they are together for 4 yrs. now. I’m not really attracted to him but when he is around, it’s like there is a chemical element that makes me giddy. Sometimes, I questioned myself that maybe it is only hormones in my part. But I only feel this thing when he is around me. It’s like there is a chemical reaction when we touch. My god, I really can’t explain it in word. I used to analyze my feelings. I don’t like to feel this way to another person because I wanted to control my life. Maybe I was only attracted to his attitude with life. You see, A is a very responsible person…he loves his family and he takes care of his siblings. If you know me better, you will know that one of my greatest fear is to fall in love with a man like my father. Who never treats my mother in a respectful way. And I guess my attraction with A steams from that, because he is an exact opposite of my father. He is introvert and very responsible. Even if his salary is not enough, he is still helping his siblings with their studies and he is the breadwinner of his family. His father is only a policeman. What I also like about A is that he is kind and always ready to lend a hand. He does not imbibe in drinks (I don’t know if this is true but this is what I only see on him). We are very much different…he is into sports and I am not. I am a nature lover and he is not. I love talking to people and he is afraid to tell his deepest secret and soul to anyone. In some way, we are alike on that one. Because I also have so many secrets that I can’t tell to anyone…not even the closest friends. In some way, we complement each other. It’s like our mind are sometimes synchronize and somehow, we even like the same things. I noticed that we both like seafood but our likeness comes from the way we both love our respective families.

I know that I am an idiot rambling about things but I know that what I feel about him is true because I haven’t feel this way about anyone before. He is the first man I feel in love with and that is why, I cannot tell it to anyone. It’s embarrassing especially the fact that I feel in love with a man 4 yrs. younger than me, has a weird sense of humor and most of all, already had a girlfriend of 4 yrs. What will my friends think of me, I am like the rock of true sense and I fall from the pit myself.

But sometimes God put a joke to us we don’t know what it is. Just last night, I learned that he is already broken up with his girlfriend. A friend told me and I pretended that I don’t care but there is a spark of hope in my heart. Then, again, I fall back into reality. What I feel about A and what he feels about me (this, I didn’t know and I don’t want to find out) is irrelevant. I know I’m good in giving advice and I need one right now. When my friend told me what his past love did to her and I have seen how devastated she is, I told her to confront the guy and ask him why? But I cannot do it. They said that women had great instincts and I feel that somehow, A feel something about me. It is in the way he talks and stares at me. I don’t know, I am afraid to know the truth. Because knowing the truth will really devastate me. Because even if (only even if) there is something between us, it will never be a reality. I had done things I should never have. Lied to him and others and my greatest lie is my age. They all think (even he) that I am only 25 yrs. old, a year younger than him. I lied about my first boyfriend that never existed. The name exists and the person exists but he is not my boyfriend. Because the truth is, I never had one. On my 28 yrs. existence on this life, I never even have anyone who courted me. Men don’t find me attractive at all; they just find me a competition to them. And I am, because I really can take care of myself. I am a know it all, I love lots of things and I know what I want. I am happy with myself, I used to say that it’s fine with me to be an old maid, but that changed when I experienced that I want someone to love me still. Someone who can take care of me and not the other way around. I’m not complaining the way I’m taking care of my family, I love them and they are the best people I ever had. But sometimes, you tend to feel the what if…the thing I feel right now. People say that I am very much in control but they don’t know that somehow, it was just a shield for a fear. Fear that I will mess up my life and be like my parents. Feel in love with a wrong man. But I know A is not the wrong man…I am the wrong woman. Because I am a liar and how could he forgive me and accept that. So here I am, writing crazy things because I cannot tell anyone what I feel. Maybe someday, but not right now, if I have already move on. I have a pact with God that I will not pursue what I feel, I will not encourage A to also feel in love with me. That is why I did not show any affection for him except as a colleague. I don’t know if I will regret this someday, but sometimes, we have to live by our choices. I know that I will because A is the person that I want to be with someday, he is caring, can cook and do household chores and I know that he is a good person. A person who loves his family is worth fighting for. I also had a pact with God that if A pursues me, it means that we are meant for each other so I will not fight it anymore. I will tell him the truth no matter what it will cost me. But the decision will be on him and not me. But is not, then, I will just have to let go. Maybe someday, I will just look back on this things and it will be just a memory. A good memory. In our farewell event, he thank me for the memories. Maybe, what we have is also just a memory for him. Then so be it. If someday, God put us back together, on a right place and a right time, when both of us are no longer lost, when we already know our true selves and we are not afraid to show it to anyone anymore, then, maybe, we really belong together. But only if and I know that IF only happens in books and we are in real life. So there is no if here, only reality. And reality is to let go…LET GO…and I pray to God that I can do that..no more turning back..if I regret this someday…I just have to live with my decision not to tell him what I feel.

A Secret Life

2008-03-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

I just don't know how I could say this. I really had a problem with myself. I has a violent streak that if I will not be treated could really led to a lot of miserable things for myself and my loved ones. You see, I always been a good person, a good friend, a good daughter and a good sister. But that goodness was marked by a character that even if I tried to change or I know that I am but can't able to suppress is my tendency to be extreme on a fit of anger. Well, anger is not new to me. All my life, I felt that. Anger towards my father that led me to hatred. Anger because he is a miser and don't want to provide us well. Take note the word "don't" rather than "can't". He will rather choose to live in poverty and let his family suffer from it rather than have a blue collar job. For him, a blue collar job is beneath his capacity. You see, he is a genius college drop-out.

Then, he has many vices, alcohol, cigarettes, gambling and most of all, violence. Yes, he is violent. And as a child, I suffered from it. We all suffered from it. My mom is a member of the "violence club". Violence not only physical but the most damaging of all is the verbal emotional attacks. Some of you will be shocked that until the end of my fathers' life, my mom is still there, on his side. I was not on his side when he died, because until the end, I was not able to forgive him and he was not able to ask for that forgiveness. That will be the hanging ending to our story. A story of violence, love and hatred. Love? Because somehow, I know he did loved us. He is not a monster that I know and don't want to forget. He is just a coward until the end and I am still a bitter person at that end. I will always regret it till this day. If only I could turn back time, I will put an end to it. I will give him the forgiveness. But sometimes, forgiving is not enough. It will never be enough. It's the forgetting part which is the hardest part. Hardest because at the end, you still remembers everything. The every detail of it. It is like a movie scenario on your mind. Or maybe, I still holds on to it. A leading talk show host once said that every person who suffers something tragic in their life is a hypocrite to say that they have forgive and forget. Maybe forgive but you can't forget. Actually, the can't should be won't. Because sometimes, we wouldn't like to forget because we want some affirmation in our life that it really happened. Since family violence is something that was seldom talked about. Seldom discussed as topics on any conversations. and sometimes, it was even assessed as part of life. If you open a discussion of it to someone else, the reaction would be just an "ohh" and a sad face. Then the topic will be closed. As if it's a disease no one wants to know. No suggestions, no empathies. Sometimes, we don't even talk about this to friends. I don't. Until today, no one of my friends know about this. Not even the closest ones. Because as a child of family violence, I feel ashamed just to talk about it. Feel ashamed for the person who have done this to me, a family member, a love one, a dad who should protect you from harm. That person's blood is my blood. And his shame is mine.

Some psychologist said that children of violence tend to become two persons, either you became a very good peaceful and loving individual or you will become like the person who had hurt you. And sadly, I became the exact replica of my father. I hated what he represents to us, the strike of the fist for every mistakes you've done but I became like him. I am still am and it's a painful life for me. I know it's wrong but like a drug, I keep on doing it. I'm tired, I need help. But how can I do it. Does people like me can really change? It's always been a part of my system and I really have my father's blood flowing thru my veins. Sometimes, I just think that if you believe in something, someone, you could find the courage to suppress it. But I cannot, and it really scares me. I am scared of myself. Of the road that I'm taking. Of the life that I'm leading. I wanted to break that cycle of violence. I wanted to be humane again. I wanted to love and be stronger. I wanted to help myself. In the end, I know I still have a choice. A choice to be free from this bondage. Maybe admitting it to the world is my first step thru healing. Maybe I can still be repaired. Maybe, I am also my mothers' daughter. I know I am the only person that can really free myself. Before I turn away all the people that loved me which I have hurt, I know that I need to change.

I started this blog wanted to create a haven for people like me. For children, for women, for men. A haven anyone could write their emotions, their feelings, their secrets, their life. A haven for affirmation that it really happens and yes..its still happening. And maybe at the end, we will find that forgiveness. We will find acceptance. We will understand one another. We will have that affirmation. We would be able to forget. And even if we don't want to, at least we can make peace about it. We can put an end to that cycle of violence. And maybe, find at least some affirmation that even if life had been hard before my eyes, it will be better someday. I will heal and find at least a semblance of peace within myself. I can be true to everyone and not be ashamed anymore. This is life before my eyes but it will be a good and better life.