Life Behind The Mask

Day late...

2011-12-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

...but hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

I haven't done one of these in a while...well, I haven't posted in a while either, so I guess it just about evens itself out.

Happy Anniversary my love! While it's not our more celebrated date, it's there. Our signing the papers and now it's official day. I think giving our Christmas gifts early and a super tasty dinner was a fine way to commemorate the day, even if it wasn't planned out that way.

Tan, my tan. I never would have thought so much would happen in just one short year. Look how far we've come. Not where we wanted to be, but still together and still loving each other. Still having each other's back and sharing in this life we're building. Brick by brick. Arm in arm. Always.

You are still my forever, still passing the porch test, still being that wonderful misfit I've loved for so long. I can't imagine a life without you in it, I don't want to. There is no way out, no back up plan, no expiration date.

I can't wait to build up our life even more, to purchase this home in which we live, to have actual children fill the rooms instead of roommates. I see us in a few years, lighting up the same tree, hanging our own ornaments, being where we want to be.

It's been nearly three years since we took a leap; almost a year and a half since we were married in the eyes of God and all we love, a year since we were married in the eyes of the state. While each chapter has its up and downs, each one has ended with the story being better than it was before. For that, I am grateful, for you I am grateful.

♥ 12 months ♥ 17 months ♥ 33 months ♥ Eternity to go ♥

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T14:34:00.000-08:00

Our family, over the years, is getting smaller - not larger. There are no new little ones prancing around infusing the air with their laughter; with the drama enveloping each one of us in our particular family units, and as a whole, it's hard to remain optimistic and cheerful.

While it was no great loss to me to have my parents removed from the family hierarchy, I know that it did affect some, especially my grandma. By taking me in, by loving and adopting me, her own son turned his back on her. She had to lose him. And, rightfully so. There were no poor judgements made and I don't think any regrets. He's no one to want around, at all, but still, he's family. With that we lost three.

With the issues lying between my Aunt Christie and Uncle Dave... there was bound to be a family member lost. However, with his death and her person struggles... we're down another two.

Each family unit has there own struggles, and causes for concern. Each has their own reasons for not being there. Yet, the holidays don't seem to feel like holidays anymore. It's not like I remember them, anyway. Maybe that's part of growing older, and maybe things will have more life when I have tiny little feet pounding their way in front of me. Maybe it's just that the family unit is not what it once was. I mean, we can't go back to what things were, and maybe it's better this way....

It's just sad, the emptiness that seems to be there even in a full house.

I am thankful for the family I do have. For the love they have of me. I am thankful that even though we (or John more so as I ran the numbers over...) owe them so much, they don't seem to hold it against us. The same goes for all the friends he's in the same situation with as well.

I am thankful that though times are hard, there's a light always at the end of the tunnel. As long as we keep working towards that light, I think everything will be okay.

I am thankful that I am one of the lucky ones. With a Thanksgiving dinner to go to, with a roof over my head, with a car to drive. With friends, family, a husband that love me and that I love in return.

Quite simply, I am thankful for love.

I am no where close to where I thought I'd be now in my life. I am getting there. And I can't say I'd trade what I do have for what I thought I would. It's been an uphill battle, but things are - little by little - falling into place. I am determined to have it all, no matter what. I am hopeful that our love will carry us through. That no matter what dark storm clouds loom, that we can hold on to a warm ray of light that is our love, and that it will be enough. It isn't always, but I have faith for us, it will be. Our love is bright, and strong, and more real than I ever imagined possible. It is nothing trivial, it is not easily abandoned. For that, I am grateful.

I hope that all of you have wonderful Thanksgivings, and that the rest of your holidays follow in suit. I wish you all the very best, and hope your world - dark as it may be - is filled with love.

Fall Update

2011-11-14T01:47:00.000-08:00

Where to begin?

It's been since a long time since my last post, and an entire world away. I'm not even the same person that I was September 19th....

New house is amazing, everything I could have hoped for. It truly feels like home, and that's a feeling I haven't had in quite a long while. It's nice to be able to have people over and not feel any negative feelings towards where I live. We got a new living room set too, which probably helps in that. Can't feel bad when you're flopped out on a giant comfy leather sofa. Or...can you? Had a giant party to celebrate the new house and Halloween, and had someone decide to steal money from my purse. Since only two people were in our room unattended the list of suspects is just as small...but what can you do? That and John being sick for a week significantly killed our finances. Luckily our roommate Chue took us to get some groceries so we've been alright. Just barely.

New job is less than amazing. The hours leave John and I at ends trying to find time for one another. We've been managing, but it's definitely less than fun. At least we have Sundays. I tried to get a job at a daycare through an old friend, and hoped that my passion and ambition were enough to make up for lack of experience. Guess not, as I didn't even get a rejection call. Kind of has me back on the ropes. It was putting us in a sort of dilemma anyway since it would be for less money, but I was determined to work two jobs if needed so that at least one of them was in a field I have passion for and could possibly advance in.

Currently, I'm on the fence with people at work. I seem to fit in okay with the social circles in my new-hire class, although due to just wanting to spend time with Johnathan and not being in to the whole "let's get drunk and cheat on my significant other"/drama/random hook up scene I'm left feeling like an outsider as far as that goes. And, I guess, good riddance as far as the drama is concerned. There are definitely a lot of good people, and one and one -- and away from alcohol, they all seem pretty together, or at least okay within their own right. So, for the most part, we'll keep the relationship at work I suppose, or limited to social outings where booze will be absent. Although, I've stopped receiving invites to anything so, we'll see.

Other than the new-hire class, I'm simply John's wife it seems. Everyone brings tidings of well-wishings for him, so I guess that's a good thing. But, politics there kept him from getting the recognition he deserved promotion wise - and I'm afraid that the same thing will happen to me by proxy. Stream keeps calling him begging him to come back, and I do believe that he would if we didn't need his larger paycheck at the moment. Still, there was enough behind the scenes there that kept him from moving up, and left him taken aback watching all the under-talented, under-experienced, under-intelligent individuals canoodle their way up the ladder.

We've finally got winter transportation squared away for the both of us. Time to park the bike and the Vert for the winter and let them wait for the green glow of a spring sun before emerging again. With Halloween past us, the holiday season is now in session. My birthday is followed a week later by Thanksgiving, a month later it's Christmas, then the New Year. It would appear that my resolution for last year isn't going to come to fruition. Right now, we're not really ready for it to either. Need to work on paying off the debts still, instead of constantly adding more and more as we've been doing. In a year, we'll have at least one major debt out of the way, and we'll be able to start really saving for a future. So, looks like no family for us for a few years at least. While I want to start a family, I also know that I'd be happier if I could give our kids the life that we want them to have, or at least a better one than we had for the first part of our lives. If it were to happen now, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, but definitely would require some major reorganizing.

So...I guess that's a fair update? Not a whole lot really, but some things which have definitely altered my persona and outlook a bit. I feel older, more... grown up I guess. I look forward to the future with a different set of eyes. I look to John more and more to be the man I know he has inside, and am seeing more and more peeks at some levels of maturity. Let's hope so, he'll be twenty-seven in five months. And I, twenty-three in less than a week.

Speaking of which, not really sure what to do for the birthday. Dinner is our usual go-to at Montage or some place. Yet, finances are tight, so I'm not sure just what we'll be able to afford. Maybe we'll just grab Josh and Melissa and head down to Montage on Friday and forget the rest. Or just change it to a potlock something at my place. I dunno.

Same shit different day, and yet... not. It's all so transitional at the moment. The changing seasons - leaves scattered around, the house, the job, the cars, the new roommates, it's all such an adjustment. Such a change. Let's hope I can hold on to the center core of all that I am as the world gets caught in a whirlwind.

2011-09-19T15:16:00.001-07:00

Showed you the truth

but you just shut your eyes
I guess you'll never see
through his well made disguise

I've been the one by your side
through thick and through thin
yet you turned your back on me
and let the devil waltz in

So you deceived me
you left me here alone
with a broken promise
a broken heart
I must walk through this world on my own

will you ever see
the errors that you've made
will you ever know
the excellence that would’ve followed if you'd stayed

Will I ever forgive you?
Leaving me shattered on the floor
Will I ever forget?
Not a chance anymore

I'll never be there again
to hold your hand
to wipe the tears from your eyes
You've made your final stand

You turned from light to dark
You changed from all to nothing
You took my love, my good advice
and threw it all away for nothing

As the days tick by you'll find
a new world to fit into
False friends, false life
something to look forward to

There's no turning back
no unwriting wrongs
apologies cannot fix
All my scars and sobs

You ask me to believe
in this false idol you've found
Ask me to join you
without a protesting sound

To put aside the fact
he is evil in and out
To join with you against the tide
To simply shut my mouth

I will keep on fighting
though I am fighting for you
I will keep on trying
praying God will see it through

But even if you change
and see the monster inside
It doesn’t fix anything
you've wasted so much time

but fight is all I can do
Seeking truth and justice
For though you've turned your back on me
I simply can't return the favor

Average.

2011-09-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

A friend, Miss Leyna Rae wrote a poem about the whole American Apparel fiasco that's been buzzing in the airwaves. And, she got a pretty awesome internet shout-out that will hopefully bring her world into a new light. Which, she totally deserves, because... well, just read the writing folks.

I think that American Apparel's response was accurate, and I do think that the issues raised were perhaps too specifically directed at one company's perhaps poor word choice... but this got me thinking....

That the average demographic target is a size six. Six. 6. That the highest they will go on a run-way is a size four. Though, really, a 00 or 0 is more the cut of their jib. I remember being that size, in elementary school... I'd skip over the kid's section because my legs, even at that age were too long for their own good. So I fit my tiny frame into these size 0 pants, and that was okay. But.... that was elementary school. I feel sorry for anyone starving themselves to achieve a body shape that I had before puberty hit, when I could stuff my face full of whatever I'd like and it would melt away. When my teeth were still bucked and gaped, when my mother still cut my hair and I couldn't understand why it was such a poof ball.

Why bother starving yourself, to fit this ideal, to only make under $12 an hour? Because, let's face it, even at size 0 you're no super model. For the few that make it big, travel the world, sure.... while you're making plans to head to Europe, I'll sit in my coffee house and pen the next big thing.... and we can know in our heart of hearts that really, it's not going to happen. We'll end up working here and there, and maybe we'll get lucky enough to catch a break. But, probably not. Even the AMA acknowledges you probably aren't good enough to be a model.

34-24-34, 5'9".
Whoops.
What about 40-32-40, 5'10"?
That doesn't seem too bad....right?
Well... with the first measurements you're a 0-2.
With the second, you're a 12-14. Though, realistically I'm more 10-12, because somehow I can carry my frame pretty well. Should I just label myself as "bootyfull" and carry on my way? I don't know.... but I know that I shouldn't try to hit those teeny numbers staring me down. That I love, love! my curves. I think my assets are just that, I love being a 34 DD. I love having an ass that makes my husband drool. Sure... there are parts of myself that I'd like to change. I'd like to be toner, to lose the cellulite and stretch marks... I did, after all go from that size 0 to a size 10 seemingly overnight. I'd like to tuck my stomach in so that I'm more in that 10 inch gap that clearly marks an hourglass.

Lord knows there are days when I sit at my computer and I stare at these pictures of these women and I cry. My skin has returned with full force to something I never had to suffer through in puberty. My lumps and bumps and jiggles get the best of me. I want to curl up into the smallest ball I can make and hide there until my starvation causes the weight loss I desire. I ponder the ways I can go about this.... I've restricted my caloric intake, I've decreased the trips to fast food. There's a lot more I suppose I could to to sculpt myself into this picture perfect image...and occasionally downing a pint of ice cream when I'm having a bad day probably doesn't help.

Most days, I can find something about myself beautiful enough to carry through. I'll wear a dress in which my breasts look fantastic. There'll be a pair of pants that lift my backside in just the perfect way. I'll find the right color of hair, and my straightening iron will infuse my hair with magic instead of split ends. My eyes will look super blue, and maybe I've done my makeup with enough skill that my acne is all but hidden. And I'll throw on some colors that work well with my palest of skin, and it'll be okay for a moment. A brief moment. And if worse comes to worse there's always photo editing. And with the right makeup, lightening, and blurring of the fine lines I can create a photo that resembles me, but better, and maybe I'll share it with the husband. Maybe I post it to Facebook in the hopes that I can hide behind it. See, see!? I really am pretty! I am! You can see it right there, in that picture, just taken yesterday! I can't be this greasy pig, I just can't, because there's photographic evidence to the contrary. And who cares if it's edited 12 different ways, the basic structure's the same. So, I must be pretty, you see... I simply must be....

So, while a target demographic might be a size 6 for women... it turns out, I'm perfectly average. An average woman is "162.9 pounds and wears a size 14". I bounce between 160-165, somewhere between size 10 and 14. So... there you go. Why does it feel so awful then, to go clothes shopping? Why aren't clothes formatted for the average woman? Why does it take me hours upon hours to find pants that don't cut into my stomach, that fit. If I really am the normalcy, then shouldn't it be the easiest for me to find a proper fit? I understand that finding something in length might be difficult, with the average woman also being 5'5". So, maybe I have to get something in a longer length than most. I have to be careful my dresses are a minimum of 35" long to avoid showing off any unwanted body parts... but, I don't think I should have an issue finding normal clothing tailored to the general shape of my body.

Which leads me to wonder, will eventually society change to accept the normal statistics? Or should we continue to try and fit into that size 6? I guess we can say good job American Apparel, and other clothing lines, for realizing that if you don't expand your sizes, you're alienating the market. It really shouldn't take a viral hit of a woman bathing in ranch dressing to open the eyes of the public that there is an issue. While I found the pictures taken to prove the point utterly disgusting, I think that was the intention. To photograph herself the way the world seems to view the average girl. That curves must mean food obsessions to the extreme, overeating.

To all the companies realizing they should expand to size 14 and beyond.... you're not making way for a special breed of plus sized ladies running around, 'freaks' that can help shovel in some extra cash. You're simply making way for the new girl next door.

Dissolving matter

2011-09-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well then. Hurdle over, damage done, game complete. Right? Easier roads ahead, right? I mean, you get offered something that amazing and... right... sounds too good to be true, usually is.

Here I was thinking, yes... we've made it! The dog days are over!

We can have awesome jobs, house, car, kids! It's there, within our grasp! We can pay off debt, we can fix the holes in our soles. Finally it's all right there and then....

Slowly....
It all comes crashing down.

It's all marked in red.

It's all drug through mud.

And maybe it's because you just don't exist. You're nothing more than the delusion of my imagination and no one has the heart to tell me you're not real. So of course you couldn't have gone to college, because they tend not to enroll spirits. You can't create life because the seed of a ghost is as useless as his heart. It all feels real to me. But, you see, the only time you've ever existed is if I was with you. If I pull up the reports, if I'm there to witness ink on paper. If I'm not there to see it... you don't exist. You're my Tyler Durden of the most neurotic, narcissistic kind. I'm not just crazy for seeing you, interacting with you... I'm crazy because I fell in love with you, made love to you, fought for you...

And when the camera fades to black....

You're left with this bitter taste and knowing
Sure as sure and right as right and up as up
That I'd do it again.
Cling to your ions like they are my last chance at salvation
Because, really they are.
You may not be real, but you're mine. Each buzzing photonic burst of energy, each fleck of displaced matter.
Mine.
As nothing in this world has been mine before. Independently and yet connected to my own frame.
And if you dissipate as waifs are wont to do.... then I dissipate as well.
So my lovely ghoul, stay a while with me. Fufill my fantasy. If you're nothing more than the other half of my own aching heart, than continue on.
Perhaps one day we'll look back on this earthly time and chuckle our beyond-the-grave laughs. We'll ponder why having negative five hundred dollars in our bank account was such a stressing time, and why it mattered so much to have a home and warmth and food and love. Why it mattered so much to exist, to survive, to have gizmos and gadgets and ambition to improve.

As we drift our ethereal bodies into the cosmos maybe we'll realize the point of it all. Maybe we'll have regrets for the time spent on earth.

My time is worth it, waiting on you. My non-existing prince that stole my heart. Whether figment of my imagination, ghost, spirit, vampire... I love you. I have faith that you are real, that you can make yourself real not only to me in my eyes, but to others. That you can amass enough dust, fallen skin cells of the world, so that all can see the glimmer in your eye. That we don't have to wait until God call us home to be happy. That we can make for ourselves peace on Earth, even if it's only confined to four small walls. With this faith, I place my life, my happiness, and all that I am in your translucent hands.

wedding vows

2011-09-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Everything that makes me who I am
was yours before this moment
it shall be yours always

You are my soul mate
my best friend
my ally against the world
my moment outside of time

you are my fondest memory
my fiercest desire
my strongest wish

It is because of you
I laugh
I smile
I dream

I will love you
respect you
and be honest with you
always

When life is easy
or when it is a struggle
when our love is simple
and when it is an effort
I will live with you
and laugh with you.

From this day forward,
you will never walk alone.

I will rejoice in your delights
and fight your battles by your side

I will support what you strive to accomplish
and encourage you intellectually, emotionally and spiritually
I will try to see the world as you see it
or at the very least, respect your unique perspective

I will be the shoulder on which you lean
the rock on which you rest
the joy of your heart

I will comfort your body with mine
mirror your soul with my own
and share with you all that I have and will have

I promise not only to give these things
but to receive them from you as well
to speak and to listen
to be both friend, and lover

You have my body
my mind
my heart
my soul

Everything that makes me who I am
was yours before this moment
it shall be yours always

I offer this ring to you
as a symbol
of my faith
my love
And of the vows I have just spoken

As this ring has no end
neither does my love for you

2011-09-15T12:22:00.001-07:00

Screaming into the abyss

Waiting for someone
to judge me
Challenge me
acknowledge me
Maybe even
love me

No response
Echoes bounce back
returning my cries
cyclic and cold

Is there no one there
or just no one
that cares

Cyber self indulgence
Self medication
woven with coils
Tubes of failed inspiration
Failed social interactions

Avatars replace reality
Chat-rooms replace coffee houses
Micro-blogs replace conversation
even heartfelt e-mails are
things of the past

Yet I scream out
crop my face to an icon's frame
chat away into the space
micro, mini, standard blog
to no one, and nothing

Fading into unreality

proper linguistics

2011-09-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

i peruse
the internet and see
lack of punctuation
capitalization
running sentences
lacking commas
abhorrence to proofreading
and i wonder
if its all so easy
to just forget

to move on in our
urban dictionary ruled existence

yet it all flows in my mind
fixing the typos and
ironing out the syntax
and reaching for the voice behind
the veils of apathy
and i realize that
maybe just maybe
its the voice that matters
and not the close
approximation
of proper linguistics

Mine

2011-09-13T09:21:00.001-07:00

I ask you not for the heavens
nor for the moon or the stars
I ask you not for the sun
nor the sea
nor any earthly creations
I ask not for your life
nor your body
nor your will
I ask only for your heart

Once I have your heart
it is only natural
that your soul and mind will follow
In order I may be flawed

When I have all three
we'll call it love
of the truest form
and parade for all to see

I don't mind
but I wish sometimes
it were only you and I

You've given me your mind
a section split with billions

You’ve given me your heart
the portion yet unused

You've given me your soul
the parts I'm worthy to see

I wish sometimes
it were only you and I

Now/Then

2011-09-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about it.
Not just yet.
Not to the general world.
But, boy oh boy am I excited.
For those curious minds, it's not that I'm pregnant.
Though now, maybe that wouldn't be the scariest of news.

It doesn't help the now though....

The we're so broke, no money for food, how the fuck does this work, now.
The sell what we can, make due, ask for a power strip and RAM so we can have a computer, now.
The "potato salad might make an okay dinner" and the "how many meals can we stretch this box of spaghetti" and the "thank God Caity showed us the Sunshine Pantry because we'll be heading there before the week is out I imagine" now.

The "then", oh, the "then" looks great.

Then we'll be able to have a house, with a yard.
Then we'll be able to pay all our debts off, and save for the future.
Then we'll be able to have a little one without stressing.
Then we won't bounce checks because our roommate is a week late on paying rent in full.
Then we'll be able to afford to get wedding presents for our friends.
Then we'll be able to get Christmas presents, maybe even a tree.
Then we'll be able to save enough to make our dreams come true.

Then.... oh, then.

I have this tiny, teeny, bubbling in my stomach. This little voice that's whispering 'soon, soon it'll all be okay'. I want so hard to believe in the then. The future. What may come to pass. The great, spectacular unknown. Beautiful as the cosmos, and within our reach.

I have the devil on my shoulder telling me it's all too good. Too easy. It'll never come to be, it'll never last. The weight of the now will kill us before we even think about the then. Because the weight of the now.... it's stifling. It's terrifying, it's nauseating, it's.... awful.

So fuck you now. Fuck you right in the ass. I'm done with you. I can't stand the acrid taste you leave in my mouth.

Hello then. Be as sweet as my fantasies, as warm as my desires, as lovely as my dreams. Wrap me in your embrace and please, please don't let me down.

Drunk. Wedding. Football. Chicken Wings.

2011-09-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend (Thurs-Sun) I:
- Watched the drunkest person I've ever seen crawl his way to a bathroom, and get dragged by his best friends the last 10 feet.
- Ate peanuts and potato salad for dinner (Thurs)
- Ate more seafood / food than I knew what to do with.
- Ate two desserts at each dinner (Fri/Sat)
- Ate a dozen chicken wings, and a whole basket of deep fried mushrooms (Sun)
- Got called a stuck-up bitch by some drunk, white-trash like women.
- Hula danced during karaoke
- Spent multiple minutes underneath Melissa's wedding dress, lacing corset backs and putting on garters.

- Spent at least 12 hours in a casino (but didn't lose any money!)
- Realized the preciousness of children.
- Saw the vicious circle of thinking someone doesn't like you so you act a certain way which makes them actually not like you....(think Stephanie and Melissa should have a heart-to-heart)
- Became amazingly grateful of the photographers I had at my wedding. For choosing friends/family it turns out I got amazingly lucky.
- Spent two days at the beach but did not once get my toes in the sand.
- Tried to play matchmaker, along with John, Diane, and bride & groom.
- Realized how young I really am.

- Watched three football games at once, and can't recall a single event from any of them.
- Cried watching the StateFarm 9/11 tribute video.
- Watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes, good movie - but not worth the hype (although it was just a TS)
- Listened to a phone interview (waiting for Wednesday to see if our lives are going to get a leg up).

- Watched two amazing people join their lives together in front of their friends/family.

Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Poland!

Written Words Fall to Sand

2011-09-09T10:51:00.001-07:00

Miscommunication will be our downfall
Weeping bitterly into the night
Written words fall to sand.

I wish you would try to read my mind
Then you would see with hind-sight
Miscommunication will be our downfall

Our hearts still beat, hands intertwined
Why do I feel such fright
As written words fall to sand

Silly items mean nothing until they are defined
Even so they need to be put to light
Miscommunication will be our downfall

Please try to know I'm one of your kind
Slipping away into the night
Written words fall to sand

I want you more than absence of mind
More than anything in sight
Miscommunication will be our downfall
Written words fall to sand

Here's to October 24th

2011-09-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

It's come to my attention that apparently me being honest about life, and the situation I'm in has made people uncomfortable. I'm not sure why exactly, and don't really care. You see, life, it fucking sucks 90% of the time. I have husband who puts his own wants and desires above being financially responsible. Who doesn't understand that if you have $300 to spend on a phone, that means you have $300 to pay back debt, or to put into savings, to help cover rent, or food, or whatever other bill originated from your own wants and desires. I do. There isn't really any arguing with this. At all.

However, we are caught up on all our bills, minus Frontier which we can't pay because we have an open case with them. No, we're not caught up on personal debts, but if we promise you X by date Y, we'll make sure that you have it. Yes you do have to pay your fucking phone bill on time. Don't, and your phone will be suspended. Period. I don't care where you get the means to pay your part, and you don't worry about where I'll get the means to pay mine. My business, while sometimes written about, is still my business. You should not assume that bills aren't being paid, simply because I bitch about lack of hours and unemployment fucking up and someone having a completely fucked list of priorities. You want to help, smack John in the head anytime he mentions leaving work early, or buying something not necessary. Give him a pat on the back every time he mentions working extra hours, getting a new job, or getting paid for outside work. Maybe we can condition a more secure future.

Yes, at the moment, we're completely fucked. No, I have no idea how we will be able to pay our bills in the upcoming weeks ahead. This doesn't mean I won't find a way. This doesn't mean I won't sell everything I have....what's left anyway, to stay afloat. This simply means that I am worried, we're broke, and I'm considering visiting a food charity to get groceries. That's all. We're alive, we're not facing eviction, or past due bills, or utility shut offs. We've a roof, electricity, water. We've still got clothes on our backs and shoes without too many holes in the soles. Life might be fucking uncomfortable as fuck, but we're living it. We're not giving up and resigning to let it all slip away. For one thing, if we stopped paying our bills, I'm pretty sure our roommate would be pretty upset. And thank God for having a roommate to split the bills with, or perhaps we would be fucked more than we could deal with.

So, seriously. Calm. The fuck. Down. Live your life and stop worrying about us. If you have concerns about getting your money from us, know we'll work something out as soon as we're able. If we've had to postpone paying you back because of the lack of work situation, I am sorry. I am. I hate, (hate hate hate hate hate hate hate) owing people money. You will get yours, as soon as we can stand on solid ground. If you feel like you need interest added to the mix, we can deal with that. Yes, I know we might have to bow our heads and kiss your feet to keep our relationships okay. I hope that we have friends and family that are understanding and are secure in their lives to be okay without what we owe them for a while. Based on the fact that I haven't been served any papers or angry voice mails, and the trips, home improvements, and extravagances that those we owe to are taking part in - I think that this is the case. And boy, oh boy, am I grateful for this. I am happy that those we care about are doing well. I am happy for you in all your adventures and success. I am hopeful that we'll see ours soon. I am hopeful that we can add to yours with delayed funds soon.

The 24th of October. This is the date that I am setting for when things will be okay. When life will be more or less normal. When I can crank up the income on my Mint.com budget and see my left-over funds go from negative 8 to a positive... something. So, here's to October 24th!

I just need tomorrow

2011-09-08T09:50:00.000-07:00

Why
Can't you see
That it's more
than just sentiment to me

That it's more than
Wax on paper
More than
Something so simple

I can't comprehend
The need to feel attached
To something in the past

You can have my past
I don't need it anymore
All I need are things we've made

What the future has in store

If I forget
What last year held
I would only know
That it doesn't matter

And if I forgot
Yesterday

All I need to know
is tomorrow
with you

Back to Reality

2011-09-07T12:21:00.000-07:00

Well, that calm before the storm didn't last very long. The long, carefree weekend has quickly been replaced by "Your claim for the week ending September 03, 2011 has been received but not paid because of a problem."

That extra $100-$130 that was needed to cover gasoline and tux rental? Yeah... about that. Not sure how that's going to happen. Johnathan posted some stuff up for sale, but it's stuff we really, really don't want to sell. Stuff we use every day and that makes life more enjoyable. Stuff that if we do sell, we'll want to buy again at a later time, and it'll cost more to buy again than we'll hope to make from it. But he did it proactively, we just can't take any chances. There's no reason for his claim to be denied... or any issues I can think of. The only possible thing is that he maybe answered one of their questions wrong, or the day we were in Yachats caught up to him... or maybe he did his math wrong, or left off a zero or something. Either way, fucked.

Especially since we have a pending check for $700 which will be coming out on the 12th. We have to have that unemployment money coming in to be able to eat. So... this is going to be a fun little next couple of weeks.

Weird family tension I can only assume has to do with the $9,900 we owe my grandparents and the $400 we owe Steve...and we're working on being able to pay that back... but not soon enough. For them, and for us too. This is in addition to the $16,500 in other debts, credit cards, medical bills and personal loans. Somehow we've gotten ourselves in a position where we owe just about everyone we know money, and barely able to take care of ourselves. We've got to pay the "real" debt first, and friends/family last, no matter how much we'd like to do it the other way around. Friends and family can be pissed, can cut us out of their lives, and I guess can take us to court. At least they don't report to credit agencies, sell their debt to collection agencies.

Oh summer, I remember when you used to be so lovely, so free, so welcoming. Where nothing could hurt me as long as I had the sun on my back. Now I just get a few days, an extended weekend, and it's back to reality. No chance of moving when our lease is up in October, no chance of ever buying a house, no way we could afford a child. With the trust fund only a myth yet to be realized, and if it is real, still three and half years away... we have no life line, no way out.

Just applying to every company we can think of, crossing our fingers, and praying for a break... and wishing to pass time as painlessly as possible until 4-8-15 or the end of the world rolls around.

Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

Labor Day, to celebrate those that work, essentially. More-so those that do physical/factory work. Fun fact: Oregon was the first state to recognize Labor Day as a holiday. Labor day is the end of summer, the beginning of the school year, that last chance for barbeques and family gatherings. The last weekday to spend in the sun with your lips berry stained.

Well, not exactly so if you're working and not in a K-12 school. But, it's the general principal feeling. Fall is coming, swimsuits and sandals are on the clearance racks and sweaters are creeping up the aisles. I start thinking about Halloween, my birthday, those piles of turkey and stuffing awaiting just right around the corner.

Friday was the end of my liquid only fast, and the start of 2 drinks a day. We ended it in style with chili dogs at our friend's house and Monopoly City. Kind of weird, hard to understand... but John didn't win despite his claims he hasn't lost in decades. So, there's that.

Saturday I left my alarms off and slept in nice and late. We woke up and headed over to my grandma's house. We visited, soaked in some sunshine, ate some left over tacos and hung about. My grandpa brought home a giant box of berries, heavy and crushing under their own weight. Grandma, my cousin/nephew Dakota, and I made four blackberry pies. Four! We got those baking under grandma's watchful eye and headed out doors to play kick the can. This was my first encounter with the game, and I think it was pretty fun. Stealthy creeping plus hide-and-seek, and kind of chase element in there as well. Johnathan took to the rooftop, and was very cautious about coming down to save us once the rest of us were captured. So, the game took forever. We went inside and watched Valentine's Day. Once it was over we went home and watched some True Blood before bed.

Sunday we met up with Scott and Megan for breakfast and Fred Meyer shopping before heading to the pool at Scott's house. Splashing and laying in the sun, with copious amounts of sunscreen, was nice. Once the sun started setting behind the apartment buildings we headed out - rode home on the motorcycle in our swimsuits - and began an awesome True Blood marathon. I can't believe the season finale is next week!

Monday (yay three day weekend!) we headed out to my grandma's for a little barbeque action. She was looking for something different, and Megan suggested kabobs. My grandma set up an awesome bar with chicken, beef, and shrimp offerings, along with onions, peppers, mushrooms, and all kinds of veggie goodness. There was sweet bread and slow barbequed pork with coleslaw, potato and pasta salads, all kinds of delicious noms. And, of course the pie that we had made Saturday night. We got to take half of a pie home to delight ourselves into the week.

I didn't exactly stick to the liquid diet so much.... but I'm making a start into the week. We bounced around a lot this weekend and had a lot of tasty options, so it was pretty much just a shake for breakfast (like the plan for week 2 and beyond). It was a lovely weekend and I appreciate all those that joined us in the festivities. It was just about perfect.

I hope that we're able to continue this happy-go-lucky vibe into our poorest days ahead. Rent, bills, no money coming in.... I try to put it to the back of my mind, but there are so many people depending on us to pay them back that it's getting a little ridiculous. Thank goodness John has finally realized Stream is a shitty place to work and has begun looking elsewhere. Hopefully we can get him a 'real' job and be on with our lives.

Findings for the Day

2011-09-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

Would be awesome quote for a tattoo. I love Winnie the Pooh, hope the new movie is awesome.

I can totally see Johnathan dressing our kid like this... or himself, perhaps.

Pretty much the perfect outfit on lookbook.nu. I'm having a need for stripes, tights, and pretty skirts.

I need this clock. I usually find clocks to be kind of irrelevant, what with the world always hooked into a computer, telephone, etc that feeds them the time. But... I think I can make an exception.

Awesome stair railing. Probably not good with little ones/pets, but brings a really cool look.

I've been bouncing around the internet a lot lately due to low work volume and the fact that the contract is ending very shortly. I'm actually not sure that my job still exists... but, have no fear! I'm transferring to Xbox on the 20th. Although... John only works like 6 hours a week so... it'll basically be unemployment. In that same vein, John only has 28 days for full time or promotion to happen before he goes and gets a really job!

Forbidden fruit

2011-09-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

Forbidden fruit
you can't help but taste
Raw and carnal
unadultered by media
or social normalities

Feel soft lips,
butterflies covering
every inch of my
growing exposure of skin.

Hands graze
every spot
like they were meant
for me... even though
it could be anyone.

You tell me softly
that you can make up
for areas you lack;
scars that just won't fade

And you prove it
bending my will
to your very command
making me moan

with anticipation
I can't
won't
give in to primal demands.

Not yet.
Not now.

In time,
when your butterfly kisses
pierce my core -
when your mouth
on my veins breaks
all internal self consciousness

then
then I will become
yours

Day 2- Liquid Diet

2011-09-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

Day one I definitely had some less than focused moments, although I did better without temptation from the husband... who, on day one of his liquid diet had yogurt, 4 slices of pizza, and a buffalo chicken thing from 7-11. Yeah... not exactly on board apparently. I still feel pretty good about the whole thing overall as it's a big transition. The bathroom and I have become BFFs...so... that's been... "fun".

Breakfast: Had a chocolate Slimfast. Less calories (180), way better taste than the Boost. Definitely felt the lower calories (half of what yesterday's breakfast was) as only a couple hours afterwards I was one hungry bear. Thinking this might be a better option if I'm feeling peckish in the later evening, or if I was going to be eating real food along with it (or double it up). Think I'll save the rest of that container for Friday and beyond when I can have real food. Made John drink his breakfast as he was planning on I guess just not eating as he was scared of the drink...but he finally gave in and said it was a similar experience to eating a chocolate PowerBar. He thinks that's a good option once we get done with this liquid phase, and they are often on sale for $1 each. As long as we're balanced, healthy, and around 1,000 calories, it's all good by me.

Lunch: Learned my lesson from yesterday, had a Strawberry Boost while watching an episode of Scrubs on Netflix in the car. Ah, the life. 240 calories.

Dinner: Chocolate Boost Plus. Didn't actually feel like I needed it, which was weird. Although John made it difficult because he kept raving about wanting steak, mushrooms, gyros, pizza, and... just about every other delicious sounding nom you could think of. 360 calories.

Non-liquid: 5 pieces of marionberry licorice. 1 rectangle of Symphony chocolate bar. ~200 calories.

Total Calories: ~980. Much better than yesterday, and officially 'low cal'. 2/3 of the way done with liquid only!

Day 1 - Liquid Diet

2011-08-31T11:18:00.000-07:00

First day of three on a liquid fast diet.
No, not a master cleanse or a drinking only water and juice... I only have a tiny tiny amount of will power stored.
A drink only protein drinks and water and whatever else is liquid and either calorie free, or low in calories.

Breakfast: Still felt okay hunger wise this morning after our farewell pizza dinner. There was something oddly comfortable and familiar in the chalky chocolate of the protein meal drink.

Lunch: Wishing I would have brought a strawberry with me for lunch. Chalky chocolate can only take you so far. I had a couple pieces of marionberry licorice to get the taste out. A downfall, saying no to free Kettle Chips. How I love me some crispy goodness. No hunger, just a feeling of being... empty. Craving baby carrots and hummus... which is not what I expected to crave (see hamburger and french fries). Drinking lots of water and feeling a little sad that I have to wait two more days for a delicious steak.

Dinner: Strawberry flavor is actually tasty, not nearly as chalky as the chocolate. Still protein powdery, but not that bad. While out and about, Johnathan bought me a buffalo chicken thing from 7-11, and I ate it. That, and some spoon fulls of the best mint chocolate ice-cream ever.... that still counts as liquid, right? Okay, so not the best day. It is hard not having something to really sink your teeth into. No hunger pains, but just... emptiness.

Breakfast and Lunch: 360 calories each. Dinner: 240 calories. Cheats: ~400 calories. Total: 1360. Definitely not "low cal".

Oh and... having to go to the bathroom with urgency and frequency previously unseen without food poisoning. That's been fun.

Random Shit I Found On the Internet

2011-08-30T16:05:00.000-07:00

Emma Stone being sexy -- http://beautiful-unfolding.tumblr.com/post/7196072035
A map you can scratch off where you've been -- http://www.kujishop.co.uk/productdetail.kmod?productid=3730
Best. Bedroom. Ever. http://udany.tumblr.com/post/4446286998/o-quarto-do-meu-filho-vai-ser-assim-xd
Perfect summer evening... let's pretend that's Top Gear playing http://arsvivendi.tumblr.com/post/5782942446
If I could somehow get away with / pull this off I would in a heart-beat (also Fishtail braid... how do they do that?) http://faashionforward.tumblr.com/post/5549460093
Sherlock Holmes adorableness http://thing-love.tumblr.com/post/5003045403/oh-the-love
Raw sex. http://thewakeupcall.tumblr.com/post/1560685528/so-hot-3
Awesome wedding http://fuckyeahweddingideas.tumblr.com/post/3732528179
Want. http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=29307273
Amazing, adorable, geek art http://www.etsy.com/shop/theGorgonist
Drinking. Geek style. http://www.thedrunkenmoogle.com/post/7829564863/squirtle-wartortle-blastoise-pokemon-shot-and

The Plan - Day 0

2011-08-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

Flipping through Cosmo I usually see an ad for Almased, and the diet plan therein. Lose weight fast, boost your metabolism, yadda yadda yadda. After researching that, alternatives, and cheaper methods of such, as well as just scouring through the grocery store - here's the plan.

Three Day Liquid Only Fast

I decided on going with Nestle Boost Plus, Nestle Boost, and Slimfast to kind of get a variety in there (that and Slimfast was on sale for $4 for a pack of 6). The drink requirements were pretty simple - stick to the Almased original in terms of having a balance of vitamins and minerals, be relatively low calorie, high protein. We looked at alternatives such as Spiru-tein, but decided that the best well rounded approach was found in already mixed drinks. For the first three days we're focusing on fasting, lowering caloric intake and improving digestive health. The Boost Plus is higher in calories and fat, but has a lot more fiber than others, so that's going to be the focus for the first two days.

Four Day Mostly Liquid

After our three day immersion is complete, we'll add in one meal per day. Lower in carbs, with good lean protein. We've picked up some nice lean cuts of steak, mushrooms, onions, and a salad mix. This is essentially Slimfast's 3-2-1 plan... minus the 3. I'm sure we'll add that in with greek yogurt, or fruits/nuts after the initial 7 day plan.

Our entire plan for the week plus cat food, laundry detergent, and some greek yogurt (just in case we get too terribly hungry) was $89. Not bad at all, considering we're used to spending $150+ per week on just food. With our bank account currently sitting lower than our rent check, and a wedding coming up John still needs to get his tux for... it's definitely good to budget. The Plus drink has 360 calories, so I'm not worried about getting less than needed nutrition of any kind. I'll be sure to update at the end of each day and let you know how it goes.

By focusing on balanced nutrition, easy to digest foods (for 3 days at least), we should be able to regulate blood sugar levels, increase metabolism, and cut out unnecessary calories. This is just my first toe dip into such things, as I've always been interested in, but afraid to try the Master Cleanse. Maybe after this, we can take a foray into that level of cleansing, if it's something deemed necessary. We might also go the Almased / Spiru-tein route at they are all natural, vegan alternatives whereas the Boost/Slimfast is a little more chemically contrived.

Before delving into this with both feet, we headed to Costco for a pepperoni pizza to say goodbye to the greasy, fatty, goodness.

End of April 2009

2011-08-29T16:38:00.001-07:00

Never seen
someone look so good
by the pale glow
of a monitor

Never felt
such ecstatic joy
as fingers dance across
my keys

Never wanted
anything more
than to see you wrapped in
my mind's labyrinth

Never heard
someone speak
such mysteries
Tell me more

Never tasted
this poison so sweet
can't get enough
fill my cup

Never knew
what I do now
stumbling through
the lighted streets

So show yourself
Run your fingers
across my skin

Exist as you do
speaking sweetly
into my anxious ear

Make me crave you
with your mind meld
of pure ecstasy

you can do this
unlock my quaking fingers
jump into my senses
my world

From Thesaurus.com

2011-08-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

I am:	worried
It's an:	adjective
Meaning:	anxious, troubled
See Also:	afraid, apprehensive, beside oneself, bothered, clutched, concerned, distracted, distraught, distressed, disturbed, fearful, fretful, frightened, hung up, ill at ease, nervous, on edge, on pins and needles, overwrought, perturbed, solicitous, tense, tormented, uneasy, upset, uptight, worried stiff
I am not:	calm, untroubled, unworried