Kneel Before the Awesomeness of my Big Ass Title ...

SCRIPT (6/14/2020)

2020-06-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

(theme music)

CHEESY HOST: HELLOOO and welcome to AMERICA'S NEXT PODCAST SINGER, the surprise reality contest where we see if podcasters can sing without ANY forewarning! And today we have 2 brand new contestants ready to show us what they've got. Now, let me remind you again, both podcasters today had NO WARNING that this contest was taking place, because that's just how this game show ROLLS! Now lets meet our first contestant, his name is Steve, let's here it for him!

(applause)

CHEESY HOST: So, Steve, tell us about yourself.

STEVE: Uhh, yeah. Hi, my name is Steve. I'm … (ad-lib)

CHEESY HOST: Hey, sounds great. And, what is the song you're going to sing?

STEVE: It's called … (ad-lib)

CHEESY HOST: Alright, sounds great! So here is our first contestant, Steve, with the song (REPEAT TITLE)

(STEVE SINGS)

(applause)

CHEESY HOSY: Phew! What an amazing song. THAT, will be REALLY hard to beat! But one man will definitely try to beat Steve off, so lets welcome our SECOND contestant, Bunny! So, Bunny, tell us about yourself?

[WHATEVER BUNNY DOES]

CHEESY HOST: And what is the title of the song you're going to sing?

[WHATEVER HE SAYS]

CHEESY HOST: Wow, Bunny, that sure does sound great! So here is our second contestant, Bunny, ready to wow the world with his song called (REPEAT TITLE)

[WHATEVER BUNNY DOES]

(applause)

CHEESY HOST: Wow, what an amazing performance by our second contestant, Bunny. I don't know WHO is going to end up victorious. So, you know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna go set this whole fucking building on fire, fuck this fucking show. Both of you guys are winners, or losers. I don't care. Now get the fuck out of here because this son of a bitch builfing is going to burn.

(sound of fire and screams)

STEVE: AAAAND SCENE

NEW Script for the Podcast (5/17/2020)

2020-05-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

TITLE: "The Locksmith"

This is a short play with 3 characters, a locksmith named STEVE, the locksmith's wife NATASHA, and a NEWSCASTER on the television. The locksmith and his wife live in Las Vegas. Steve will be playing the part of STEVE. Bunny will be playing the part of NATASHA as well as the NEWSCASTER. There is also a phone. This is important.

Although the story is based on a real event, the story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons living or deceased is intended or should be inferred. Also Steve was a little bit high while writing this.

INTERIOR VEGAS HOUSE, DAY. NATASHA IS WATCHING TV

NATASHA: Boy, I sure do like watching tv. (hums) Gee, I wonder when my locksmith husband will be home from his work which is locksmithing.

THE DOOR OPENS. STEVE ENTERS

STEVE: Hello Natasha my wife. Your husband is home from doing locksmithing and work that is related to the world of locksmithing.

NATASHA: OH! My amazingly handsome and great smelling husband Steve is home! I will now embrace you as all lovers do, sensually.

THE TWO SHARE A TENDER SENSUAL EMBRACE

NATASHA: How are you my locksmith husband? Are you in the happy mood and we can start vigorously fornicating as we always do after working time? Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Nay my amazing wife, nay. Delay that sentiment. We must have a serious conversation now.

NATASHA: I am filled with such dread now. How serious a conversation will we be now having, my husband?

STEVE: A VERY serious one!

NATASHA: Audible gasp!

STEVE: My wife, I must admit truths to you now. My locksmith business is not going all of the good. We have been losing money. The money runs away and we don't know where it is going because we have never seen money run away like this. We have tried using nets to catch the money but it is no use. We are running out of good business feelings. Times are hard.

NATASHA: Oh, I am sorry to be hearing those words in my ear cavities, my sexy and strong husband Steve. What do you deduce is the reasoning behind the decline in businessing? Is it the fault of the internets?

STEVE: Yes my buxom wife, it IS the fault of the internets. Kids these days are too busy pornhubbing and club penguining to care about modern day locksmithing.

NATASHA: Oh no! This is all the sad. I am cut to my very core. Nevertheless, I still support you, my amazing and talented and good smelling husband Steve. Maybe we should have a sad round of procreation. Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Yes, my wife Natasha. Maybe you should.

THE TV BLARES LOUDLY

NEWSCASTER: Attention, viewers of television, attention now! Cease fornicating and pay attention! There is coronavirus now and it is coronavirusing all over the non-coronavirus places! All movie theaters and glory holes and casinos are hereby closed by order of the governing goverments of Las Vegas, where is where Steve and Natasha live in this play now!

SUDDENLY, THE PHONE RINGS. WE TOLD YOU IT WAS IMPORTANT. STEVE PICKS IT UP

STEVE: Hello? Who is it that is phoning me? Is it you, money?

NATASHA: Who is it, honey darling snooky face?

STEVE: It is Ceasar's Palace on the Las Vegas strip. You know how all the casinos have been ordered to close, honey?

NATASHA: Yes, I seem to recall someone saying that thru a television device recently.

STEVE: Well apparently, since Caesar's Palace has never had to close before, their doors have no locks on them. They want me to rush to the strip and install locks on all their doors right now and they are willing to pay me big bucks?

NATASHA: Big bucks, you say? Why, those are bigger than small bucks!

STEVE: You are correct my amazing wife! In fact, I am now getting a second call. It's from every other casino. They ALL need locks! We are no longer going out of business, my dear. Now we are successful and rich.

NATASHA: Oh what a joyous day! We should violently fornicate to celebrate such a momentous time. Should I put on my assless pony costume, my husband?

STEVE: Natasha, my oversexed wife, this is no time for pony play! I must be off to do locksmithing things in a way that only locksmiths can do!

NATASHA: Farewell my husband! We will sex when you are finished!

THE END

Script for the podcast ...

2018-06-29T11:08:00.001-07:00

STEVE (Padme): When I was in Level Three, we used to come here for school retreat. See that island? We used to swim there every day. I love the water.

BUNNY (Anakin): I do too. I guess it comes from growing up on a desert planet.

STEVE: We used to lie on the sand and let the sun dry us... and try to guess the names of the birds singing.

BUNNY: I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything’s soft... and smooth...

(THEY BOTH GET MORE AND MORE SING SONG LOVEY LOVEY ROMANCE LIKE)

STEVE: There was a very old man who lived on the island. He used to make glass out of sand - and vases and necklaces out of the glass. They were magical.

BUNNY: Everything here is magical.

STEVE: You could look into the glass and see the water. The way it ripples and moves. It looked so real...but it wasn’t.

BUNNY: Sometimes, when you believe something to be real, it becomes real. Real enough, anyway...

STEVE: I used to think if you looked too deeply into glass, you would lose yourself.

BUNNY: I think it's true...

(KISS SOUND EFFECTS)

AND SCENE!

Fired ...

2018-02-26T07:19:00.000-08:00

I was recently fired after 17 and a half years.

The company ruthlessly fired over 1,800 of their most senior employees without so much as a warning.

Weeks before, my store manager literally told me that I would be employed forever. "I own your soul until the day you die, Steve" she said. And days later, corporate made her fire me.

I'm trying to land on my feet. I'm doing storytimes online and I'm setting up live events. I just can't believe that they would screw me like that.

Anyway, here are some pictures from some of my last corporate storytimes ...

So there's that.

Anyways, here's some free music ...

Marian Hill: Down
Seth Sentry: Campfire
The Groovie Ghoulies: Deviltown
Courtney Barnett: Scotty Says
Childish Gambino: Riot
Hadestown: When The Chips Are Down
Faith No More: Motherfucker
Rob Base and DJ Ez Rock: It Takes Two
The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Fire

Be good, people.

My Kids ...

2017-03-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

My New Years Movie Marathon ...

2017-01-01T10:52:00.001-08:00

My New Year's Eve was odd.

For starters, my son Max is spending a nice chunk of his Christmas break at his grandmother's house. I wanted him to be home for ringing in the new year, but he really wanted to go to church. So, right off the bat, we didn't have our whole family with us for New Year's Eve.

There were other problems. Amber was spending the night with her church group, a sort of "lock in at the rec center" sort of deal. Bela was home, as usual, but Emerald was having a friend over for a sleepover so she just stayed in her room all night.

Natasha was home, sure, but she kind of in her own world. She was having a hard time. She writes a lot and she had some sort of deadline that she just HAD to meet by midnight. That AAAND the fact that the baby has been sick for a few days, so she just wants to spend ALL of her time attached to mommy and that just causes my wife to get flustered and annoyed, you know? It's tough having an angry, snotty, hot baby attached to you 24-7, so she just wanted time alone.

So when midnight rolled around I was pretty much all alone trying to calm down a screaming baby. And I read a couple times this year that what you end up doing precisely at midnight on New years is what is going to happen to you a LOT in the coming year. And if that is the case, then I am going to have a pretty lonely 2017.

So yay me, I guess.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and do a movie marathon this weekend.

Right now it's a little after noon on New Years Day and this weekend I've watched 21 Jump Street, 22 Jump Street, the vaguely adorable 2009 comedy Mystery Team, the MST3K episode with Manos: The Hands of Fate, and right now Bela and I are finishing up Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein. After that Isabela wants to watch Trolls. I don't. AT ALL! But I might out it on for her and just half pay attention.

I don't know what we'll watch after that. But it doesn't really matter.

What matters is that I'm taking this new year into my own hands. I am in control of 2017.

I am in charge of my life.

My Next Few Days ...

2016-12-08T08:39:00.001-08:00

I have a crazy next few days.

First off, there's today.

I have my podcast to record today, episode #104.

I love my podcast (Which you can listen to at ThePopeOnFilm.Wordpress.com by the way). I'm really excited about this episode. We're doing the Star Wars Holiday Special and I've been 125% ready for a number of days now. I am a BIT worried that there will be TOO MUCH because we're not only covering that but also the last two parts of the new Gilmore Girls and that ALONE is daunting, you know?

But BEFORE I even GET to do the podcast, I have today. My wife, who has recently gone back to college, has two finals today. She tries her hardest to only take online classes because she's basically the ROCK of this family. But she has finals today that she HAS to take at the university.

This means that I will have our 5 and 1/2 old baby daughter all by myself for about 5 and 1/2 hours today.

I love my daughter. But she's so young. And she's still 100% breast fed. That means that when she's tired or hungry or scared or, hell, just bored, she goes for her mother's breasts. And I can't give her that same level of comfort. At all! I mean, sure I have some bags of milk that I can warm up for her and junk. But damnit, it's not the same. At SOME point in time today she's going to get into super baby freakout mode and I will be no help in consoling her for the sole reason of having no breasts.

Beyond that, I nee to start getting ready for next week's episode. I also have work the next two days and, man, work has been craaaaazy lately.

Then I have a huge event on Saturday, a Harry Potter party for kids that I'm running myself. We're making wands and learning to dance and doing trivia and coloring and it's all being done by me. I have to have to HAVE TO get ready, but how much work can I get done with a screaming baby, you know?

Anyway, I'm going crazy.

It's fun.

The Thanksgiving Blues ...

2016-11-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving 2016 and I am currently sitting on a vaguely comfortable couch in the livng room of my in-laws house in the farthest outskirts of Seminole, Oklahoma. It's the afternoon and I am wonderng what special type of hell today will bring.

This place is like a goddamned black hole. It is an honest to god black hole. I get no cell phone reception at all, so no texts or phone calls whatsoever. Not that that matters, really, because it's not like I actually KNOW anyone who WOULD call or text me. Maaaaaybe my parents but prrrobably not.

My in-laws also have no internet here, so that's "fun." Actually, let me clarify ... they HAVE internet, technically, but it's so limited that they NEVER use it. And their internet becomes unlimited but ONLY from midnight to like 5am. I don't understand their internet. Why have it if you can never use it? But apparently they're sooooooo far away from normal human civilization here that they can't get any major internet company. They can only get strange backwoods "cuntry" internet. It's annoying and frustrating and I don't understand it, but it is what it is. There's no internet here.

I could turn on the date on my phone to AT LEAST check Facebook or something, But for some reason my phones don't get any data or roaming or anything out here in outer Seminole. And that's not fair because LITERALLY everyone else in this house has a phone that gets data BUT me. So when it's a holiday or when we decide to spend the date here, I am completely cut off from technology and it is absolutely maddening.

Point of order, I am currently writing this piece on a generic Notepad app on my laptop with plans to inoventually cut and paste this somewhere. Probably my blog. I was going to watch the new Lucha Underground or a movie or two on my laptop but I forgot my headphones, the new ones I got for myself that were quickly menifest destinied by the women in my life. So I think my heaphones are at home with my wife's computer. So, again, yay.

My in-laws have cable but only the absolute basic cable. And I think it goes without saying that I can never ever ever ever EVER have control of the television. I would LOVE to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade with my kids, a rare family tradition that has somehow escaped the dark ages of my childhood and has carried on into my kids' lives. But I don't get to watch anything while I'm here. Right now they're watching The Land Before Time 9 or 14 or whatever the fuck this is. They made a shit ton of these movies. The first one was great. It's a work of art. It was lovingly made and the animation was incredible. But ut all the other endless sequels were just cheap direct to video cash-ins with rushed animation and horrible musical numbers and they just keep getting worse and worse the more movies they make. And they own EVERY SINGLE SEQUEL at this house and they seem to play them on a loop.

(I would look up how many Land Before Time movies they've made but they don't have internet at this goddamn house.)

Now, on the rare occasion when there's NOT a Land Before Time sequel they are usually watching some home renovation show on some home renovation cable network that I didn't know existed. I hate these shows. I hate them with a passion. There's just no entertainment value there. Every episode is just a bunch of white people dealing with their expensive house. It's the WHITE PRIVELIDGE NETWORK. I can't stand it.

This Thanksgiving is going to be a strange one. Usually it's just us, my family and my wife's family. Occasionally a family from my in-law's church or a family friend. But regardless, it's usually a small, tight knit affair with the same people. This year, however, my brother-in-law Duane is gone. He moved back to California with his wife Lauren and his son, Jaden. They moves away a few months ago and now we're all silently dealing with the realities of the holidays without them. I personally don't care that they're gone but I worry about my son. Maxwell was best friends with Jaden. They spend a lot of time together. A LOT! So I worry about a Thanksgiving without them. Without Jaden.

There's also a bunch of new blood being thrown into the machine. My niece Deinna's boyfriend Christian. His family will be joining us. I know nothing of his family besides the apparent fact that his family fucking hates him. And there's a possibility that my new adopted daughter Amber's ghetto sister and her ghetto boyfriend might be joining us, too. That's a lot of ghetto. Then there's Nanah and Papaw's new kids. My in-laws have always wanted to adopt, despite the facts that they're broke and Nanah is allllllllllways suffering thru severe physical pain. So the addition of two foster kids to the house, one of which is a verrrrry small newborn, throws a wrench in things. There's a lot of new variables this year.

But besides the various unknowns, it's still a typical Thanksgiving here. I'm all alone and I will continue to be alone save for some random angry yells from my wife. Deinna and Emerald will be locked up in Dee's room. Natasha will be cooking and cleaning and arguing and helping and a million other things. She becomes a Tasha-nado and doesn't really have tme for me whenever she's here. I understand. Or I try to. Bela still gravitates towards the young children in the house, which is really sweet. She's growing, though, and developing quite an attitude to go with the growth. I worry how long she'll remain young, you know? Randal, the remaining brother-in-law, will be scretly drinking and loudly bitching about everything. He's an angry bitch and his attitude will be dragging everyone down. Oh, and he'll be shirtless most of the day. Nanah and Papaw will be stressing the fuck out and I will actively try to avoid them. And Amber will be helping. She's a sweetie.

Now Ferngully 2 is on! What is up with this family and crappy sequels?

Deinna is here. She's a freshman at a local college who is off for the holidays. I remember when she used to be a young little girl with a crush on me. And now I'm just her silly dumb uncle that she humors. It's sad and a bit annoying, honestly.

Now it's the evening. Seven at night. It's dark and chilly outside and things have mellowed out. I'm trying to finish watching Lucha Underground. The holidays, post feast, are always about trying to convince myself that I'm not having an asthma attack, that I'm just full. It's a difficult game. I'm trying to regulate, though, and trying not to think about how horrible work is going to be tomorrow.

Ths Thanksgiving was nice, I guess. It was certainlt a lot quieter without Duane and Lauren. And Christian's family never showed up so it ended up a nice, quiet, intimate affair. Lucha Underground was good, as always.

I miss my family sometimes, my parents. They always loved Thanksgiving.

I should clarify ... they're not dead. I just don't really talk to them. It's a long story.

I wonder how fucking bad tomorrow will be for me.

Happy Thanksgiving, I guess.

Baby Deja-Vu ...

2016-10-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've done this dance before ...

My daughter Eleanor is three months old. She's over two feet tall and over fifteen pounds and she has a full set of hair. She is very advanced in terms of her weight and size and whatnot. This is no doubt due to the two and a half extra weeks that she spent inside her mom's womb like a slacker.

The baby is breast fed exclusively and as a result she is deeeeeeeeeeeeply attached to her mother almost all the time.

So that's why I'm worried.

You see, today my wife, who is trying to go back to school, has a midterm test she has to go do. So I am taking care of the baby for the two or so hours that my wife will be testing.

I have had this blog since 2002, so I'm prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrretty sure I've gone thru shiznittle like this before and blogged about it, about my fears and junk about taking care of such a young infant.

I'm not going to look for it, tho. You can do that yourself if you want.

I'm worried. To be honest, I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally worried here. She has these super baby freakouts when mommy is gone, sometimes for something so small as mommy going to the bathroom without her, and her freak outs don't stop until mommy shows up to hold her. So having the baby for two and a half hours or so is going to be very difficult for me. I'm basically screwed.

But I should be ok. I should be alright. I've got breast milk and youtube and music and a shower. I'm fairly sure that I'll be fine.

I think.

(There's also the fact that my wife told me that she'd take the baby to her mom so she could take care of Eleanor. Then my wife changed her mind without telling me. So I was informed that I was in fact taking care of the baby last night, leaving me out in the cold. Like, maybe telling me I'm going to have the baby for hours all alone is something you should TELL ME about. But I don't want to get into it. I'm dealing with a lot of depression and stress right now, so dealing with my wife kiiiinda putting me on the spot isn't going to help me feel any better.)

I should be fine.

Hopefully.

Wish us luck.

Singing To The Baby ...

2016-08-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

The Comments ...

2016-07-28T07:59:00.001-07:00

I turned off the comments for a while.

I have a newborn baby. I have kids getting ready for school. I am working three times as hard as usual at work. I just had some serious dental work done. I'm working on a television show. And I am working hard on my awesome, offensive podcast.

I have a very busy life.

The last thing I need is to be attacked by dumbass fucking rednecks who can't take a fucking joke.

The K-Mart near my house is shit. I wrote a review because I thought it was funny. If you don't like it, white people, then tough fucking shit. It's my goddamn blog.

The Story Of Our New Baby ...

2016-06-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

So here's the story of our brand new baby girl. I'm writing this on a cramped rocking chair in a fairly nice little hospital room and I haven't gotten the best sleep. Sorry if the grammar and the spelling isn't perfect. BUT! If you've read this blog before then you know it NEVER is.

Things were tense for our family this past week. We reached the two week part of this overdue baby. My wife was miserable. I was at the very height of nervousness. And every conversation with someone outside of our circle went the same way. TWO WEEKS?! THAT'S CRAZY! WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED (blank)?! The same dance over and over again. And I'm a paranoid enough creature to begin with without everyone I know putting their two cents in.

Hell, one person actually said that a friend of a friend waited too long to go into labor and the baby DIED! HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HELP? What the hell, recycling guy? Not freaking cool!

My wife started feeling some very low labor pains around Thursday evening. So, to push things along, my wife decided that what was needed was for all of us to go out for a nice, biiiig dinner at Chili's followed by some good laps walking around our cavernous local Wallymarts.

By the time we got home that night my wife was in what we thought was active labor.

I thought it could be soon, the super go baby time, so I stayed up until almost 1am that Thursday. In retrospect, my thinking that the baby might possibly be on its way soonishness was foolishness. Positive thinking, I guess. Eventually my wife sent me to bed, knowing that my stubbornness would have led me to staying up allllllllllll night if she would have let me.

My wife, my poor poor wife, stayed up all night in pain. She woke me up at 445am on Friday to help her because she was in so much pain. So I woke up and stayed up with her, helping her out as much as I could until I aaaaabsoluely had to had to HAD TO go to work because we're running on a prrrrrretty thin skeleton crew and there's NO ONE that can cover for me. So I went to work.

Work was hell. It was crazy busy. There was way too much for me to do. Customers were extremely rude. People just didn't care AT ALL that my wife was trying to give birth that day because they were too darn busy with their own busy, hellish lives. So needless to say I was stressed to the max. I couldn't have been more stressed.

When I got home my wife was still in labor. Poor woman. She tried. She gave it her all. She tried and tried and tried. By the time I got back from work she was absolutely exhausted and starving and just flat out suffering. Lots of it.

So by 8pm we were at the hospital.

After an easy, breezy c-section that, unlike other c-sections I was privy to did NOT feature hideous Saw-looking peeks inside my wife's stomach cavity, our beautiful baby Eleanor was born. It was all quick, too. About an hour after arriving at the hospital I had a baby holding onto my finger with a strong, vise like grip.

She was born at 9:09 pm which is a little less than an hour away from the "dream vision" timeframe that my wife had that told her when the baby would be born. But that's a different story. Eleanor was a whopping 10 lbs 3 Oz and a very lengthy 21 inches long, both of those stats probably being a result of our baby being over two weeks overdue. She had a long time to cook in there, is what I'm saying. She also has some beautiful dark blue eyes that my wife is reeeeeeeally hoping she gets to keep. We keep cranking out vaguely brownish babies. Natasha really wished for some blue eyes and a bit of blonde hair on this one.

So "the gang" showed up right about at the time of her birth. Maxwell and Bela were EXHAUSTED but they both got a chance to hold their baby sister. Visitors kept pouring in until about 1am. I slept that Friday night passed out on an uncomfortable couch next to my wife's bed and despite the utter uncomfortability-ishness of that damn couch I slept like the dead, interspersed with slight moments of wakefulness to change some very small diapers.

We have a new baby. And she's adorable.

Saturday was full of naps, full of eating, and full of visits with friends and family members. I saw Moonrise Kingdom on my phone. I read a little, this old sci-fi book I love. And I got to know a bevy of nice white female nurses. And I got to feel that great sensation that you get when a baby falls asleep on your chest. I missed that feeling.

Sunday is going to be busier. I have errands to run, places to go, dogs to feed and all that stuff. But the important thing is that I'm here right now with my wife and my daughter in this room. It's like a little time bubble, being here in this fairly new and surprisingly empty hospital. Hardly any patients. No loud noises. No worries. No work for me to run off to. It's like a small center of the universe right here. It's this adorable baby, my wife and I, right here in this room and the beautiful harmony inside of it.

I close at work on Monday.

Thankfully that seems so far away from now.

The Baby ...

2016-06-25T06:26:00.001-07:00

Dear Republicans: YOU WERE RIGHT ...

2016-06-15T17:37:00.000-07:00

DEAR REPUBLICANS,

YOU WERE RIGHT!

ABOUT ALL OF IT!

There's no doubt now that the evil and sinister Obama is about to take away all of your guns, lock up all the Christians, institute his evil death panels, and make himself an emperor! You were right and we dumb liberals were wrong. Why didn't we take your angry rants seriously? Why didn't we realize all the false flags? Why did we believe in science and book learnin'? Why were we so dumb as to treat Muslims like normal people?

WHY DIDN'T WE ALL TAKE JADE HELM and THE WISDOM OF ALEX JONES SERIOUSLY?!?!

It's already too late for us dumb, evil liberals, so you republicans go out and SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

Get all of your guns and your bug out kits and your Jim Bakker survival food buckets and your survivalist gold and go hide in your bunkers. Seal them tight, turn off all your electronics and your cell phones, and just wait it out.

SAVE YOURSELVES! YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!

The earth will no doubt fall into a hellish nightscape of post-apocalyptic terror, so you should stay hidden in your bunkers until AT LEAST NOVEMBER 9TH! That's how long it will take us dumb, stupid, Satan-loving liberals to overthrow the evil empire. So whatever you do, don't come out of your freedom bunkers before November 9th.

And don't worry about us evil liberals, evil gun haters, evil atheists, and evil lgbtq supporters.

Well try and make it ... somehow.

The Pope on Film Podcast
The Church of Ed Wood

Super Go Baby Time (But Whennnnn????) ...

2016-06-14T15:00:00.002-07:00

Well, having a viral Facebook post and a wildly popular blog post about how my local K-Mart is going to shit sure was fun. My blog has been viewed well over 13,000 times in the last two days. That might not seem big numbers to you but just take into account the fact that my blog was seen a little over 14,000 times last MONTH! As in, the entirety of the last month!

So yeeeeaaaah, this is kiiiiiinda big for me here.

Now I've got myself a little viral thing happening for myself here. It's neat. It's fun to see the stats go up and up and up on my dashboard. That's a really fun time waster and Wood know I need thing that waste time right now.

Sadly, tho, I'm up to my elbows with angry blog comments about how "racially offensive" I am to white people, which is ridiculous. Only in America can a latino get attacked and accused of being racist for pointing out a t-shit that's racially insensitive to latinos. It's sad. I'm deleting a crapload of comments from people angry with me for calling people rednecks. I'd feel bad about that were it not for the fact that as a brown skinned man living in the town of Racist, Oklahoma I'm constantly treated like shit by white people for the crime of not being white enough.

So sorry not sorry.

Redneck redneck redneck.

STRANGE ASIDE: HERE'S SOME FREE MUSIC FOR YOU ...

Gary young: Am I Insane?
Billy Joel: Pressure
The White Stripes: Why Can't You Be Nicer To Me?
Common Rider: Cool This Madness Down
Barenaked Ladies: Fight The Power

So!

Lets try to forget about how much K-Mart is in decline and focus on the REALLY IMPORTANT thing here, this goddamn kid that won't come out of my wife's freaking womb!

The Shawnee hospital, which everyone tells us is shit, told us the baby was due on the 5th. No baby. The pregnancy app we've been using told us that the baby was due on the 8th. No damn baby.

Now it's the freaking 14th!!!!

WHAT THE HELL, BABY?!?!

Now there's an added ticking clock to this equation because there's a bunch of things right on the horizon ...

First off, my wife's birthday is this Thursday. We joked that the baby would wait for her birthday to come out but then we all laughed that off because there was NO WAY the baby would wait THAT LONG right?

RIGHT???

Secondly, I go back to work this Saturday. I have a freaking storytime and everything. I work Saturday, have Sunday off, and then I am the acting receiving manager while the clean cut, straight shooting buckaroo that I share the job with is going camping or something. He's going on vacation, is what I'm trying to say here. And that means that in just a small number of days I am going to be thrown riiiiiiiiight back into the middle of lifting 40lb boxes and covering everyone's breaks.

So nowwwwww I, sadly, nervously, have to possibly come to terms with the fact that my two weeks of vacation time, that I took so that we could HAVE A BABY, was poorly timed and a bit of a freaking waste. I mean, I might go back to work having NOT HAD THE BABY! And I absolutely HATE TO go back to work here! They need me. They're on a skeleton screw enough as it is. I can't just up and take an INDEFINITE leave of absence here. I absolutely, positively, 100% neeeeeeeeeed to go back.

Dammit.

The clock is ticking, baby.

Whenever you're ready to come out.

So K-Mart Hates Me (UPDATED) ...

2016-06-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is Steve. I am a thirtysomething father, writer, manager, podcaster, and I am currently hated by a (fairly) major corporation.

Yup.

K-mart hates my freaking guts right now.

Ok. Lets discuss this ...

So on Saturday I went to the local K-Mart. And I thought it was funny how old and crappy it looked, so I took a bunch of pictures and wrote a review of it.

Yesterday I posted my review right here. And then, just for shits and giggles and lol's, I decided to shoot a link of my review to the K-Mart twitter account. Was that an asshole move? I don't know. Maybe? But I was bored as hell and just said, awww, screw it. Whatever. Doesn't really matter, right?

Well, in 24 hrs it has been seen over 9,000 times. I got 8 comments on it so far, which is a lot for me and this little blog of mine. The usual amount of blog post comments I receive is between 0 and 1, so 8 is a lot. Sadly, I deleted a number of the comments because they were very angry, rude, and particularly aggressive towards me, as if I was the one to blame for their K-Mart store being pretty shitty. A few of them were from either former or CURRENT employees. One commenter actually said that I was an idiot for pointing out the shirts they had that were racist towards Mexicans when I later called people "drunken rednecks" or something like that because I was being racist towards white people. And that, good friends, is called white privilege. That's a white person making a clearly racist t-shirt all about how HARD IT IS to be WHITE! Give me a break!

And the best part?

One Kmart corporate Twitter account privately tweeted a message to another Kmart corporate account about how I was banned from commenting on their Facebook account, which I have never once done. BUUUUUT in doing so they accidentally tweeted it and used my actual Twitter handle @reverendsteve, thereby tagging me in their private corporate message! They quickly deleted it BUUUUUUT I get all my Twitter notifications via e-mail. SO! That means that I actually received an email informing me that the @KmartCares telling me that I was banned from commenting on their Facebook page.

How does a major(ish) corporation drop the freaking ball like this? That's just embarrassing. And sad.

And I would feel reeeeeeeeally bad about all of this if my review wasn't 1000% true

HA!

A major corporation hates me.

Sorry, but hey. At least everything I said was true. I have truth on my side here. It's not slander or libel if it's all true.

HUFFPO: Photos Of Kmart Disarray
BUSINESS INSIDER: 22 Depressing Kmart Photos

Whatever.

I'm just going to go to Walmart instead.

The Horrors Of The Shawnee, Oklahoma K-Mart ...

2016-06-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we wanted to go somewhere where we could walk around, maybe do some laps in the hopes that all the movement could kick start the labor process.

We ended up at our local K-Mart.

And Jesus H. Christ what a hideous place this is!

Honestly, it's like a bad dream. It's like the setting of a 1980s horror movie in there. It looks like a cheesy haunted house but it's open year round. It's like no renovations have happened there since the 90s. It's like a strange time warp. I felt like I was walking into Stephen King's book 11/22/63 and the doors would open and it would be the sixties again.

For starters, the signage is a perfect representation of what you'll find inside...

The parking lot looked soooooooooooooo crappy. It looked like the parking lot hosts demolition derbies during the weekends. Like, how in the world do you allow your parking lot to look THIS bad, guys?

The store constantly plays 80s music. Nonstop cheesy 80s music. It's like they refuse to play any music other than the kind that came from the era in which they were relevant as a company.

The floors looked like shit. All the floor. The entirety of the floor area inside the K-Mart. There were cracks and bumps and spill stains everywhere. I felt disgusted every time I looked at the ground. Really not cool, guys. I only took a few pictures but seriously, these sorts of images were everywhere.

The place wasn't packed because, well, K-Mart. At times it felt like an old folks home. At one point I spotted an old foreign man trying on toddler t-shirts. I called my oldest daughters and we just stood at a distance and watched a 65 year old man try on a size 5T Kung Fu Panda shirt and then the struggle he had, struggling for a ridiculous amount of time trying to take it off. It was something akin to spotting a massive grizzly bear in the wild. It was both awe inspiring and frightening.

I also spotted a graphically DISTURBING Walking Dead coloring book stocked in the kids section ...

That pissed me off. Like, for reals. Way to drop the fucking ball, guys. It's like you're not even trying.

Their electronics department looked abandoned. There were empty boxes everywhere. A lot of the shelves were empty. And, strangest thing, my wife noticed a very small pair of kitchen utensils on the counter for no reason. I felt like I was in some sort of online mystery solving game and I had to solve a crime based on this very strange picture ...

And another thing!

The majority of their signage had post-it notes, as if they cared more about remembering which sign is which as opposed to allowing customers to actually read any of the signs ...

And the ABSOLUTE LAST STRAW for me was this old, outdated, and racially offensive t-shirt they carried ...

DRINKO DE MAYO?!?!

First off, it was June 11th when I took that picture! So why are you still selling Cinco De Mayo crap? And also, Cinco De Mayo is a holiday meant to commemorate the Mexican Army's victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla and you are selling clothing that takes this important holiday and turns it into an excuse for white rednecks to drink.

Seriously.

Fuck you, K-Mart.

Super Go Baby Time: Cabin Fever ...

2016-06-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

Admittedly, I have been a wee bit bored this past week and a half, just sitting here waiting for the baby to be born.

So I've been trying to busy myself. Reading. Writing. Working on the podcast. And messing around on YouTube.

Here's a few of the things I've been working on ...

Yeah.

I'm a bit bored.

Super Go Baby Time: An Annoying Update ...

2016-06-11T11:26:00.001-07:00

So.

Lets backtrack here for a bit, shall we?

The doctors said the due date was LAST Saturday. Which we thought was bullshit.

The pregnancy app said the due date was last Wednesday. Which we believed.

So. Yeah.

It's Saturday afternoon. And I've got fucking nothing to update you on here. Nothing.

But hey. At least the kids are back home!

Yeah. This is bullshit. I'm so angry at this baby right now.

We went to Walmart last night to get a few things, just the wife and I, and we ended up just doing a bunch of laps around the store, walking and walking and walking. And Natasha said the baby moved down considerably and that she was kicking like crazy. So we really felt that, finally, things were HAPPENING, you know?

Then, nothing.

Then this morning Natasha was nauseous and her back started hurting, so we thought that yes, it's finally happening. But no. She just didn't feel good. So Natasha just took a nap.

I go back to work IN ONE WEEK!!!

AND NO BABY YET!!!

What the hell, Eleanor? Why haven't you come out yet?

One thing's for sure. When she finally comes out she is SOOOOOOO grounded!

Ricochet VS Will Ospreay: Full Match ...

2016-06-10T19:52:00.002-07:00

This Monday, my podcast The Pope On Film is ALL NEW with a funny and slap-centric look at the 1987 movie FLOWERS in the ATTIC!

The week AFTER THAT we will be punishing ourselves by watching the religious romantic comedy CHRISTIAN MINGLE, based on the website for desperate religious folk.

The homework for that episode is to watch the 2016 Best of the Super Juniors match between Ricochet and Will Ospreay.

It's become tough to find on youtube all of a sudden, so I'm embedding the entire match right here.

YOU'RE WELCOME!

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part (and free music) ...

2016-06-07T08:48:00.001-07:00

Yeah.

That's my life right now. Waiting.

The waiting is the hardest part.

It's also the title of a Tom Petty song. It's a good one, too.

I guess I like Tom Petty. I don't like ALL his stuff, but he's good, I guess. Good music. I like it. I'm not a huge fan. I'm a Greatest Hits guy with him. But I like the popular stuff. That's all great.

Here ...

Anyway, yesterday was the due date that the hospital (cough cough SCAM cough cough) gave us.

Look. Don't get us wrong. We believe in doctors and hospitals. But the doctors were all "This birth is going to be just fine" when we didn't tell we were thinking of a home birth. And those same doctors, when we eventually told them our plans, quickly started saying "WELL THEN YOU RUN THE RISK OF DEATH, DO YOU WANT TO DIE? Lets schedule your c-section NOW just to be safe, ok?"

And that's really fucked up, right?

A lot of people in Shawnee have HORROR STORIES about giving birth in the Shawnee hospital and my wife has heard a number of them recently, which only solidifies our beliefs that we can do this thing, no problem.

So the day the doctors gave us came and went without a fuss. And this Wednesday, tomorrow, is the due date that the pregnancy app gave us and that's in two days. We love that pregnancy app.

Don't laugh.

See, unlike the other pregnancies, we really really really really PLANNED for this one, mapped out due dates, mapped out cycles and junk. We were prepared and excited to get pregnant. We MAAAAAY have been caught unprepared these last few pregnancies, but not this time. We knew exactly when our conception was and within a day or two afterwards we had this really great pregnancy app walking us through this every step of the way.

So yeah, forgive us if we put our face in an app instead of a hospital that, THE SECOND WE WALK IN THE BUILDING, is pressuring us to set up payment plans and put money down for the hospital pregnancy that we don't even WANT! People laugh at us for trusting the word of an app more than the word of a doctor. But, shit, these bastards in Shawnee are trying too hard. It's like this pregnancy is a gym membership. THAT'S HOW HARD they're trying to get our money.

Anyway!

The pregnancy could happen any day now. And I guess that's starting to hit me. Because I AM RESTLESS AS FUUUUUUCK!

Most of my days revolve around doing nothing, which is hard for a man who has held the same job for almost 16 years now. It's hard for me to do nothing. So here I am blogging. This will be a nice time waster.

Here's a small list of the other things I've been doing this wait-cation: I've been working on my podcast, growing out all my facial hair, meditation, drinking copious amounts of coffee, working on my film editing skills, catching up with shows I've heard great things about but have never gotten around to seeing like Veep and Silicon Valley, listening to a bunch of new music, and doing a lot of reading.

On the first day of this very long wait-cation of mine, I decided to try and read thru a novel since I definitely have the damn time. And since I had a slight inkling that this might be a long wait, I picked up the BIGGEST book I owned, the one that I've been putting off reading for well over a year now.

What I'm trying to say is that, in the mere 5 and a half days that I've been reading it, I am currently at page 615 of Stephen King's massive, epic, well reviewed time travel novel "11/22/63" and I have to say that this book is freaking GREAT! The pages flow quickly with a sense of urgency to the characters and their lives. And the research must have been massive because King paints a picture perfect look at life in 1958 to 1963.

Hell, reading the book almost makes ME want to time travel to that simpler time ... until I catch a glimpse of my skin color and realize that I'd be lynched.

Oh well.

I probably wouldn't have started reading this 1,088 page book if I hadn't had a heavy cache of free time on my hands.

Another reason for my reading this huge tome is due to my wife's back. My wife's back hurts. Her legs hurt. Hell, her EVERYTHING hurts right now and has for quite a while. So all the chairs and couches and recliners and junk in the living room and the kitchen are alllllllllll hurting her back and knees and other various whatnots. In fact, the only spot IN THE HOUSE that makes her feel 100% comfortable is the bed.

Thank Wood for Sleep Number beds, I guess.

So she spends a lot of time in bed. She's not bedridden. She gets out, does errands, and we go out and do stuff. But the bed is the only comfortable place for her in this house. And I want to spend time with my pregnant wife. Which is difficult for me because, apparently, I frrrreaking HATE spending long amounts of time in the bedroom. I learned this about myself recently. Isn't that interesting? Fun fact there.

So yeah. The book helps.

Now that Bela's head is shaved she looks JUST LIKE ME, right???

Anyway, speaking of, here's a strange fact for you guys ... the kids have been gone for over a week now. And I don't know when I'll see them again.

Let be explain ... so their Nanah kept saying "I NEVER GET THE KIDS, TOSH! WHEN CAN I HAVE THE KIDS AGAIN, TOSH? I WANT THEM ALL SUMMER, TOSH!" (If you knew Nanah then you would know that she speaks all in caps. I love the woman. But it's a fact.) Ad since we're having a home birth, my wife has repeatedly said that the only people she wants with her during this pregnancy, during this labor, during the moment, are people who will not stress her out, will not yell and scream and flip their lid, people who are 1,000,000% convinced of her ability to do this at home.

So that leaves out the kids. and prrrrrrretty much her entire family.

So we sent the kids to their Nanah's while we wait for little Eleanor to come out. It's odd. I miss Bela and I miss Maxwell. But I understand. I get where my wife is coming from. Natasha needs to be surrounded with comfort and certainty. Bel and Maxwell fight. They yell and scream and they just can't be here. Her family wants to be here, too. But they're not 100% with the home birth. Plus, there's drama. There's always drama.

Families, right?

I've actually been instructed to TELL NO ONE when she goes into labor. Natasha's decree. I tell no one. Not even her parents. It's strange, having this baby in secret, basically. But I get it. I do. If her mom, if Nanah found out that Natasha was in labor, then she'd be here in a New York minute freaking out about every little thing and my wife can't have that right now.

So it's all positive vibes and happy smiles from here on out.

I can't WAIT for this baby to be born. I want to hold her against my chest, get that skin to skin feeling that I don't get with my hyperactive older children. I want to hold my daughter. I want to see my wife hold her. I want to be able to call Nanah and say, yes, the deed is done. We have a baby. I want my kids to come back home because I really miss them. I want to see the look on Bela and Emerald's faces when they hold Eleanor for the first time. I want to see Maxwell get the chance to be a big brother because he's so excited.

I want my whole family together again.

Until then, tho, it's all coffee and Stephen King and sleep number beds for me. Standing still. Stillness is hard.

That's my life right now. It's awesome-slash-maddening.

That's about it. Thanks for reading my crazed ramblings.

Here, here's a whopping crapton of free music for you. It's the least I can do. Feel free to download it and rock out to your hears content.

The first song is very representative of my life right now, by the way.

Styx: Too Much Time On My Hands
Liam Lynch: How To Be A Satellite
Groovie Ghoulies: Normal (Is A Million Miles Away)
The Ataris: Bad Case Of Broken Heart
Repo The Genetic Opera: We Started This Op'ra Shit
Hamilton: Ten Duel Commandments
The Mallrats: Coming Back To California
The White Stripes: Apple Blossom
Minutemen: My Heart And The Real World
Modest Mouse: Alone Down There
Dick Dale: Mr. Eliminator
The Rutles: Lets Be Natural
Primus: Is It Luck?

Check back here for any new baby news.

Or just news about me being bored. Either way, keep checking back.

Super Go Baby Vacation Time ...

2016-06-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

My wife Natasha is due to give birth somewhere between the 3rd and the 6th of June.

So soon. Real crazy soon.

See, her doctors, who are actively trying to scare her into not having the baby at home, say she's due this Sunday. But her pregnancy app, which has been with us since day one and never tried to use fear mongering and underhanded scare tactics to trick us into getting thousands of dollars in debt with a hospital birth, says she's due this Wednesday.

And so I worked three stressful and crazy as all fuuuuuuuuuuuck days at work. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. And so now I'm on two hard fought weeks of vacation time.

Seriously, work was crrrrrrazy these last few days. It's like the Stephen King book 11-22-63. Time didn't want me to NOT be working, so time threw every shitty day and angry customer and pissed off person and car accident and racist a-hole and thunderstorm that it could possibly muster to try and stop me from going on vacation. It's just like that Stephen King book. The fates that be didn't want me being on vacation. It was crazy.

But I did it, I'm here, I'm off of work, and now all there is to do is for us to play the waiting game.

And waiting sucks. But Natasha and I are having fun. The kids are all at nanahs so it's just been the two of us this week. Watching movies. Going out to eat. It's been like we're dating again. Sure it's secretly stressful because she could pop any second. But it's also been crazy fun.

I love her.

So here's a random list of various whatnots in the life of the Galindo family:

-I've been a manager since October. I've been working at 9am every day since October. I worked my ass off thru Christmas and Inventory ALL BY MYSELF while still maintaining a very successful and kick ass storytime. Now, I'm basically a half a manager on the floor shelving and being the only customer service person. That's my every day now and it's very stressful. So I earned this vacation. I earned it.

-Emerald finished her freshman year of high school and now she's at a month long college prep thing that Oklahoma does called Upward Bound. She's staying at the dorms and taking college level classes and having a good time. But she's still coming back every weekend because she has a job because she's ridiculously responsible for someone as young as she is.

-Bela shaved her head. She's a bold woman. Nothing scares her. She will grow up to be a strong, loud, independent woman ...

-Bela finished 5h grade and now she's going into 6th grade. Which is fine. But apparently in the midwest 6th grade is considered Junior high ... ?!?! Yeah. Junior high is 6h to 8th grade here. That's WAAAAAAY TOO YOUNG if you ask me, but it is what it is and I can't change it. Bela's going into Junior High next school year.

-... and did I mention that my wife gave Maxwell a mohawk???

... and finally, my podcast is doing GRRRRRRRREAT! We just recorded episode 80 and it's freaking hilarious!

LISTEN TO IT AT POPEONFILM.COM!

When it's super go baby time, I'll let you know.

Wind clan out.

Star Wars Day Pictures ...

2016-05-04T21:57:00.002-07:00

Ok. So.

My Star Wars event was amazing and I had no reason to worry.

I had about 30 kids show up, all of them very receptive and excited to be there to mess around with me. My son got to come, too, and he was extremely excited to see his daddy be silly and make a lightsaber.

So here's a bunch of pics. They're crazy cute.

My Star Wars Day ...

2016-05-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

So today is May the 4th and at my work we're having a "learn to play" event where we're going to play the X-Wing Miniature role playing game. It's for people of all skill levels and it's suppose to be a whole bunch of fun.

SO I thought that it would be fun and fairly easy on my part to do an accompanying Star Wars storytime for young kids while the teens and adults go off and play the X-Wing game. I have done this storytime thing for something like 12 or 13 years now, so I already have giveaways and prizes and activities. The whole nine yards. SO doing a storytime would be no big thing for me.

Unfortunately, I officially got the OK to do the event about a week BEFORE today, so I haven't had the longest time to advertise this thing, you know? Part of me is worried I'm putting forth all this effort for nothing because no one will come and have fun with me.

But there's another part.

See, I maaaaaay have overcompensated for my lack off time by going a bit too far on social media. I joined about 3 or 4 local garage sale sites on the faceybooks and I've really been going all out promoting tonight's event. One of the groups has 10K members! So there's another part of me that's worried that I went TOO FAR, you know?

What I'm saying is that I'm going to either have 4 or 15,000 people show up for my event tonight.

Yeah.

Wish me luck.

Written By Isabela, Age 10 ...

2016-04-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

Hello!

My dad's doing his podcast later today ....

So how do I write 2000 words in half an hour?

My cool dad got me the game Undertale. I'm doing the pacifist route. I still have not gotten past Undyne .... speaking of Undertale, I'm working on fan fiction. It's about how me, Emerald, Deinna, and Deinna's boyfriend Christain go to Mt.Ebbot and find the underground.

Here's the first chapter:

I looked around. I saw nothing but mountain. (I dont know why we were here. Just because of a game. A rumor. But- it might be real! I mean ..... I ... WE are determined that it is real.) I thought in my head "Uhhhhgg. "ets go home already."

Emerald said with a groan, "Hey - it might be real!" Dienna said insulted. Christain kissed her on the check. "I like your de-TEMMIEnation. Chrisain smiled while I stood there laughing. "Stop complaining Em. We're almost there." I said as I handed her a bag of Hot Cheetos. A(n) hour had past before we had reached the top of the mountain. My eye started to glow. Dienna noticed and distracted the others waiting for the glow to stop. "What's that?" I whisper to myself as I looked down a hole to see something else glowing. There's only one way down.

I jumped.

I could hear screaming and weeping above. I can see a skeloton as I black out.

Ok. That's it for now. So far I have 4 chapters done. My dad's doing a WWE thing for his podcast The Pope On Film.

Anyway I should give him the computer and let him record.

Bye.