Life Goes On

God, What Are You Doing In My Life?

2022-06-14T06:31:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, 2 May 2022

I'm lying on my bed now thinking of my life. What is God doing in my life? I really cannot understand. I keep thinking and asking God but there's no answer to my question.

What I should do is pray and trust Him?

I pray every day yet when I think of what will happen to mum one day it scares me a lot that no one will help me.

Even though God knows everything and has a plan for me, I'm a human being I feel very scared but I can't do anything except trust in God.

Dear God, please help me to trust in for future.

Clearing House Items

2022-03-29T06:14:00.003-07:00

Saturday, 26 Mac 2022

At end of last month, we found a new place to stay on the first floor of our apartment, Janice slowly and patiently started packing our things into boxes at our present place. Sadly, mum and I couldn’t help much

Janice cleared one room by room, the things we want we put into boxes, and others we don’t want we give to recycle. Thank God, we manage to sell some of our furniture We arrange for my darling and Teik and his disabled worker to help us move place.

Until now we cleared almost everything, left some that haven’t cleared yet. Janice has arranged everything with the landlord, the tenant, and the lorry driver. Janice and I have seen the place twice to see what we want and don’t want.

We pray that everything will go well as planned and in order.

Grab Drivers

2022-03-25T06:33:00.002-07:00

Thursday, 17 March 2022

Since 2019 I had met a lot of grab drivers. All with different races, most of them were men only a few of them were women. Some of them were kind enough to help me, but some didn’t want to help at all. So I had to slowly get into their car myself. Some talk to me inside the car, asking me about my disability. It was quite interesting to face these types of people.

Thursday, 17 March 2022

Today, I book a grab car back home from GH after my OT exercise. I waited at the second entrance of Block A. I called and told him I was in a wheelchair, he said ok. Within 5 minutes he arrived, but couldn’t find me. He waited at another entrance (near Emergency Dept). I lead him the way to where I was. When a black car slowly arrived, I saw he was an elderly Malay man.

When he came out of his car, I ask him to push me down the ramp but he just stand at his car door. I was slightly upset but just kept quiet. Thank God there was a young Malay lady who was sitting by the side chair willing to push me down the ramp and helped me into the car. The driver only stands and watches and he keeps grumbling.

He said he can help male disabled, not females. Did I say in my heart why compare male or female? I just need some help to get into the car. Thank you, God, for the Malay lady quietly helping into the car, without saying a word.

When near to my apartment, I whatapps Janice come down quickly to help me as the driver don’t want to help me.

Most of the grab car Malay drivers would help me get into the car, only a few don’t help me so I slowly get into the car myself.

Monday, 14 Mac 22’

Last Monday after my dental from Adventist Hosp., I booked a grab car home. The driver was a Chinese hearing-impaired man (this was the second hearing impaired grab driver I have met) When I booked the car, I messaged him I’m a wheelchair user, please assist me. Within minutes he arrived, he was very helpful. He pushed me near his car seat, when I slowly get into the car, I show sign language to him to help my leg into the car and how to flow my wheelchair.

When arrived at my place, he also helped hold my arm and I transfer over my wheelchair. There was a small step before going up the apartment ramp. He pulled my wheelchair up the step and pushed me up the ramp before he leave me

Found a new apartment

2022-03-14T07:46:00.002-07:00

Wednesday, 9 March 2022

Found a new apartment

It has been some time since Janice was searching for another place (in our apartment) for mum and me to stay. It’s because our landlord kept raising yearly payment and this place which we have been staying for the past 10 years have many things spoil

There are many vacant units in our apartment, so Janice asked the owners. Some wanted to rent at a higher price and some wanted to sell their apartment. Janice informed and few other neighbors in charge of this apartment to let her know if anyone is shifting out

Since the end of last year, we heard a group of men who are working nearby is renting the first-floor unit. They will be moving out of this apartment in March.

Two weeks ago, Janice's neighbor (in charge of our apartment) told Janice the first floor men will be shifting out at end of March. So, Janice immediately called the owner and asked her. The owner confirmed with her tenant and she asked to view the house. Two men who were working nearby came to open their door for us.

Janice brought me to view the house their house. The place almost the same, only it's smaller.We took some video of the whole house. After coming back, Janice confirms and pays the deposit to the owner. Janice gives our owner one month notice. They want us to move out at the beginning of April, so we have only a month to clear our things and move out. We have to sell a few of our furniture, so we took picture and I posted them online. Since last week, we cleared some of our things and recycle them. Some of them give to relatives.

This month will be a busy month for us as we slowly clearing our thing to our new house

Holiday In KL-Genting 2020

2022-03-07T05:38:00.003-08:00

Fri - Sun -31 July - 2 August 2020

Day 1 - 31 July

Around 8 am, my darling together with Teik and family came to fetch me then went for breakfast at Batu Lancang. The tables were all full up with people, but the boss of the shop opened up. After finishing a few tables for us, we went to fetch another two disabled friends from their center.

From there we headed to ĶL, but before the highway, we stop at the Shell station restroom as some of them went to ease themselves. We continue our journey from there. Inside the car, we listen to music while some of them fell asleep.

We had a smooth ride as there were not many cars on the highway. Teik didn't go very fast, just a regular speed. On the way, we stopped at Tapah rest house as I needed to ease myself. The disabled toilet is not suitable for me to use as there was no railing to hold, so I had to use my bedpan. It took some time for me inside the toilet.

From there we continued our journey with an easy and smooth ride. We arrived in ĶL outskirts around noon. Teik used his GPS to find the way to Kl Plaza (where we are staying). It took him around half an hour to find and reach there. When we arrived outside ĶL Plaza. Teik dropped my darling and me outside the other office and they went to searched for a parking lot. We searched for their office on the 5th floor and found it. There was a lady staff inside, she took my particulars and gave us the key to our apartment. It was on the ninth floor. After getting our keys, we called Teik and the rest to meet us on the ninth floor. It took some time for us to meet them as we couldn't find them. But at last, we met them.

We searched for our apartment and found it. When we went in, I was amazed it was so big with 3 rooms and 2 toilets. There was a big sitting room and kitchen too. We kept all our bags in our rooms.

It was evening then, and everyone was very hungry. We went down to search for food. On the ground floor, all around were shopping malls. We went out to search for food. There were a lot of people along the pathway, by the side were many restaurants and cafes.

Before I went, Janice told us there was an Indian nasi kandar restaurant which was cheaper, but we went all around the place searching for the shop, yet we couldn't find it. I called Janice for directions to the restaurant and found it. We went quite far before finding it. My darling and Teik packed our food and went back to the apartment to eat.

At night, after dinner we chit-chat. The fun time was Teik brought a very big bag of coins and we all counted. It was so fun together with all of them. During our chatting time, I told darling and Teik that I wanted to sit in the cable car. Darling asked Teik’s 2nd daughter to accompany me. Then we ended that topic.

All of us sleep early that night as everyone was tired of the journey.

Day 2 – 1 Aug

All of us woke up very early that morning. After everyone got ready, we all cooked Maggie Mee for breakfast as there was some utensil in the kitchen.

Around 8.30 am, we headed off to Genting. Teik uses his GPS and follows the way up to Genting. There were not many cars while we were on the highway and on the way up the road to Genting there are very few cars going up too.

While on the way up he stopped his car but I didn't know why. Then I realise he dropped us at Genting Skyway station. The rest of the group didn't want to follow us. I was really happy and thrilled that I got the chance that I got to sit in the cable car for the first time.

When Ei Ling pushed me inside the station, it was a big place. We took a lift up to the tickets counter. There were many others' too queued up for the tickets. Ei Ling knew the way up as and she the others went up before in our early trips. So it was quite easy and fast for her to buy the tickets for both of us.

After buying the tickets, she pushed to the cable car station. There were many cable cars bringing people for rides. When some of the cable cars stop, I thought they had to transfer me to the seat, but I was surprised the person in charge pushed me inside the cable car. Inside the cable car was very spacious, so the wheelchair user was very easy to push in. When the door closed, the car moved very smoothly. While the car was moving I could see the view from the top.

It took 10-15 minutes for us to reach to top station, which was on the 7th floor. When it reach the top, my darling, Teik, and the others were waiting for us. When the door opened, my darling pushed me out. I had a nice feeling even though it was a short time up in the cable car.

From there, we took a walk around the place, and then we went to Marrybrown fast food restaurant on the 4th floor for a late break. From there we adjourned to the 2nd floor, where the Skypool Indoors Park was.

Teik queued up to buy tickets for his daughters and 2 other disabled friends to play the game. There were lots of young people queuing up to go in there too. From there we adjourned outside the casino. There were lots of people queueing up to go into the casino. Teik went in together with those people.

Since my darling and I saw so many go in, we decided not to go due to Covid 19. What we did was walk around the place and see them playing. Even though I couldn't play all the trilling games, seeing those people play was very fun enough.

Around 3.30 pm, Teik meet us back at the same place where were. His daughters also meet us as they only played a few games. Other games were full of people. As we were feeling hungry, we went to the 4th-floor food court to fill our stomachs.

We came down from Genting around 5.30 pm, then we went to ĶL Jusco Supermarket to buy dinner back. It was very sad to see the whole supermarket shops were closed and the place were so empty due to MCO 1. There were only a few shops that were opened. We saw there were sushi packets so we bought some of them back to the apartment to eat. All of us had a good time. I felt enjoyed my day, at the same time felt very tired.

Day 3 – 2 Aug

On our last morning at the apartment, we cooked Maggi mee again as it was difficult to find breakfast outside. We packed our bags and check out from the apartment around 9 something. Darling pushed me to the 5th-floor office and returned the room keys. We checked out early that morning because we wanted to go to Ipoh Supermarket.

As my darling accompany Teik to drive his car to the KL Plaza entrance. We waited with all our bags for quite a long. During our waiting time, I was looking at the people who walked along the pathway. At last, Teik arrived at the entrance. Darling told us that they were checking his car.

We left ĶL town around 10.15 am. There were not many cars on the highway, we have a smooth drive. we arrived in Ipoh town at 1.15 pm, and straight to buy the famous Salty Chicken, biscuits and other stuff.

In that area, there were lots of coffee shops. Most of the time, we had difficulty finding a parking space. Luckily we found a parking lot.

As it was lunchtime and there were many people inside the coffee shop. Luckily we found a table and we ordered our food. After lunch, we went to Jusco Ipoh Supermarket. It was a big shopping mall with a lot of shops and restaurants. There were a lot of people shopping and having lunch.

We straight went into the supermarket and check out what wanted to buy. We bought quite a lot of things. From there, we headed back to Penang.

It was evening when we arrived in Penang. Teik dropped me home first before dropping the rest. It was a fun and enjoyable weekend.

Walking into the bathroom

2022-02-18T04:52:00.000-08:00

Thursday, 17 February 2022

Every morning when mum helped me to walk in and out to the bathroom which is only a short distance for bathing and toileting. I always pray to God for strength and protection for mum and me from any falls

Walking in is easier than walking out. It’s because the bathroom floor is more slippery. When both of us are walking out, I keep praying while walking until I sit in my wheelchair then I thank Him for protecting us.

Home Alone

2022-02-17T05:16:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, 16 February 2022

This morning as I was alone at home when Janice dropped mum for dental at Adventist Hospital and did some errands. I did my usual things in my room eg: did some hands exercises and checked what I did online.

I felt peaceful being alone at home, but on the other hand, emotionally I felt very frustrated, angry, etc.

When the time I need to ease myself, I always call mum for help when she is at home. But today I was alone, so I thought of what to do either to sit on my wheelchair and use my bedpan or lie down. So I decided to lie down to ease myself.

Before I transfer myself to my bed, I prayed to God to help me and give the strength and protect me from any fall. When I transferred myself, I kept praying for help. When I sat on my bed and lie down I continued to pray to lift up my legs onto my bed. When I was on my bed, I thank Him that He protected me from any fall. I felt very tired just to transfer as I lack of strength, but I continue to pray He would help until I finish eased myself.

I thank Him after I finished everything. It was very tiring when I struggled to bed to ease myself, but God lighten my difficulties when I prayed to Him.

Update on 2021

2022-02-15T05:44:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, 26 January 2022

It has been almost 8 months since my last write-up. My poor blog was empty since July 2021

My mind was blank on what to write and at the same time my mood was really down. So I put my writing aside.

In February, it was the second time we were not able to celebrate Chinese New Year as it was MCO 2.0. The first time was 2020 due to Julie passing away.

On the eve of Chinese New Year, mum and I went to Janice house to have a reunion lunch together with her in-laws.

On Chinese New Day, Janice and her family came to our place to wished us and gave me Ang Pow. Of all the years, 2021 was a very quiet CNY as there was no visitation allowed and I got the least Ang Pow. I also couldn’t go outstation with my friends as the inter-states travel was closed. It was very boring staying at home as every CNY I would go outstation with my daring and friends’

From May –October -MCO 3.0 (Lockdown) started again. It was a terrible time for me as where I couldn’t go anywhere. I was in my room the whole day. Where I could go was to the eating table (breakfast, lunch and dinner) then back to my room again.

I occupied myself upon doing other thing eg: choose, arranged, took photos of the First Day Cover and stamps and posted them on Carousell Online. It took a lot of my time in doing that. At night I watched Netflix movies.

Even though I did so many things the whole day, emotionally I felt down and don’t have mood. I couldn’t even go for therapy or my check-ups in GH. The psychiatrist doctor called Janice to collect my medicine and changed the date of my check-up to later dates.

At the end of July and the beginning of August, I received my Pfizer vaccination. Before I went for my jab, I prayed that there would not be any side-effect on me. Thank God, my left arm which was vaccinated had some pain for 2 days only.

For Neuro check-ups, I hardly go to see the doctors. Janice will call the nurses when I wanted to follow up with my medication. The doctors’ would write a chit of all medicines and Janice would collect them. The doctors in the Neuro Department doctors’ were unable to do anything with my spasm. So what I do every day is to take a bunch of spasm, thyroid, and depression medicine 4 times a day (mostly are my spasm medicine)

As for my thyroid check-ups, I only went to the Endocrinologist Department the first 2 times. After knowing that I need not have to see a doctor, and knowing that they wanted to see my blood test results. The nurses would give me a chit to do a blood test every four months. Two weeks before my check-up date Janice will bring me to the blood test lab.

When I go for my blood test, the nurses would allow wheelchair users to go into the lab first. For able-bodies, they have to queue up for their number to go in. On my check-up day, the nurse will call Janice to collect the medicine chit. If nothing is wrong with my blood, the doctor will continue to give me medication only. I will have to take it forever.

The only thing I hated most about thyroid is I gain weight. I now put on weight quite a lot as some t-shirts and dresses couldn’t fit me anymore. Many times, I feel angry with my thyroid sickness.

I couldn’t meet darling for five months during the lockdown. He was also unable to work during that period. I missed him a lot.

After the Covid cases went down and the lockdown was opened in October, I went to Occupied Therapy and Physiotherapy again in GH. Spastic Centre was re-opened as everyone in the group has been vaccinated. So we went there for our therapy again.

It was the first time after a year since I last went to Gurney Plaza. On my birthday in December Janice took me for a lunch treat and shopping together with mum and my niece Sherine. She came back from Singapore for a few weeks' holidays.

I had a nice time on that day as we had western food on the ground floor. After lunch, Janice brought me shopping to buy some items. After buying our stuff mostly at Mr. DIY, we went down to the ground floor. We saw beautiful Christmas decorations and took photos there. There were a lot of people who took photos too. The decorations were much more beautiful than the year before.

It has two years since Covid-19 started as Christmas was not like before. Our church group members’ were not able to come carolling anymore. We also didn’t put up our Christmas tree anymore. It wasn’t fun like last time with all the presents’ below our Christmas tree and my three nieces were together Julie around to open up all our presents’ after dinner.

To me there was no feeling of Christmas season, but just like regular day. But on Christmas eve, mum and I went to Janice's house for dinner together with her in-laws.

Life has complete change since Covid-19 started. This was what happened in 2021

Difficult Time

2021-07-27T20:46:00.001-07:00

Thursday, 15 July 2021

It has been more than three weeks since I started having a severe spasm. It was when I started an online exercise. I felt really fun and exciting to do, so I kept doing it for a week for half an hour. From then on, every morning after breakfast when I entered my room my body became not well and my spasm slowly attacked me.

The nerve inside my body made me unable to do anything. Every morning, when I do my toileting on my bedpan I have to lie down. The most difficult part was to help me onto my bedpan. It was because both my legs were very stiff and couldn’t bend up. This makes mum and Janice very difficult to handle me.

Due to my spasm, it took a long time for me to urine. After urine, mum has to hold my stiff legs so I can pull my pants up. As I took quite a long to pull my pants up, mum’s hands and body were painful upon holding my stiff legs.

My spasm lasted for hours until I have to lunch in bed as I was too stiff to sit up. I feel sad that mum has to feed me in bed.

My spasm only attacks my legs, both my hands can move without difficulties, but I have difficulty in breathing.

After my afternoon rest/nap, I’m back to usual again, but it makes me quite tired.

As my spasm attacks me, I feel frustrated as most of the days I have lying on my bed. What I did to call to God to release my spasm.

Emotionally down

2021-06-21T06:06:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, 2 June 2021

Emotionally down

From the beginning of this year till now, emotionally I felt not that bad as I occupied my time selling cooking with my cousin during Chinese New Year.

As days and months passed, my mood became worsen. I feel very down as I don't feel like doing anything. Though I was in front of my computer, I didn't do anything the whole day except watched movies online.

I feel sad the past six months, as my mind couldn't able to write more stories as my heart wants to. My blog is so empty with only a few stories on it.

Though I write one story, it will take me a long time to finish. As I want to complete my story, but I don't have the mood to do so.

Another morning at Psyciatrists Dept

2021-05-30T20:00:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, 27 April 2021

Another morning at Psyciatrists Dept

My last check-up was in early March, yesterday I went again. Janice dropped and pushed me up to the department around 10 am dropped my card at the counter and she went back. When I arrived many people were waiting already. Few elderly people in wheelchairs were lined up in front of me. So I had to seat behind me.

I waited about half an hour before the counter staff called my name to take blood pressure. Luckily, now blood pressure taking is at the side of the front counter. I feel is easier for everyone.

After taking my blood pressure, I waited for my doctor to call me. After nearly 20mins of waiting, the doctor called me to go in.

I was happy to see my regular doctor. I told her my mood was very low the past few months. She talked and asked me about my thyroid. I told her the Endocrinologist doctor said my blood test was good. I was in the doctor's room for more than half-hour.

Since my mood wasn't good, she increased my medication.

After left her room, I wheeled downstairs to the lobby and called a Grab car. While waiting for my car, a lady was standing near me. When my car arrived, I asked the lady to call the car driver. She was so kind, she pushed me down the ramp and helped me get into the car.

I was so thankful to God for sending someone to help me in my difficult time.

Thank you, God, for helping me that morning.

Dream 2- Family Life

2021-04-25T20:52:00.002-07:00

Wednesday 30 Mac 2021

This may be a crazy dream but I wish to have a child or adopt a child. Seeing many of my age disabled friends have children of their own and have a family. Their kids’ can help them in their daily things. When I went shopping, seeing couples/family with their baby or children, in my heart I wish so much a family life.

I especially love baby girls, I wished so much I can have a child of my own. Severe years ago for my curiosity, I asked my Neuro doctor if I can have a child, they told me, due to my spasm medication which I'm taking, it's not advisable to a child. I wasn't a disappointment as I guess this myself.

One day, I also went to the welfare office and asked the staff whether a single parent can adopt a child. They told me it's very little chance, as they will accept more for married couples. When I heard this, I felt really sad. Before this I know there would be a lot of procedeer and it would be more difficult for a single disabled to adopt a child.

I yearn to have a family life like my friends, but this will come to reality. This is not God's will for me. I can say the feeling, what I dream and wish for is not God’s will

A New Experience

2021-03-11T17:53:00.004-08:00

Monday, 8 March 2021

I have been missing myself from here for the past two months. Why? I have a lot of things I wanted to write, but I completely had no mood and my mind was blank on what to write. The main thing was I had no mood.

This is what I did in January

During last year's Christmas, my cousin Margaret suggested that we try selling cookies for Chinese New Year, so Janice and I agreed that we give it a try. Margaret and I were partners - I took the orders and she bakes the cookies). Starting January, with my friend's help, I share 3 types of cookie pictures on my Facebook and Whapapps.

It was an exciting few weeks as many of my group friends' and relatives ordered our cookies. Margaret baked the cookies non-stop with the help of her children. Everyone loves her cookies and said it was delicious, so they kept ordering. I stopped taking orders in January as Margaret and her children were tired. They also had other things to do.

It was fun and a new experience for us. I also learned some new things -selling cookies. It wasn't an easy task for Margaret to bake and arranged cookies in the containers.

My Birthday Treat

2021-03-07T07:12:00.003-08:00

Thursday, 10 December 2020

This year on (10/12) my birthday was especially different because I celebrated my 50' birthday. I thank God for giving life until this age.

After my morning bath, mum and Janice gave me a surprise with a colorful banner sticking on the wall of "my 50th' birthday". When I came outside for breakfast, I saw the banner I felt really happy.

That morning Janice brought mum and me out to Gurney Plaza for lunch and shopping.

Firstly we headed to the 3rd floor to search for a new handphone for me as my present hp is spoil. We went to one or two shops, but I didn't find the suitable one. Then we went to Charlie Care Shop (handphone shop).

We checked out a few phones there and took a long time to discuss the hp which I wanted. The guy in-charge, Janson explained about the new hp to us.

It was lunch-time then, we find the nearest place to eat, so we went to Hide Out Restaurant on the same floor. Janice wanted to buy a piece of cake for me, and she told the staff it was my birthday.

There were few people in that restaurant. We took our seats and ordered chicken chop and pizza. We enjoyed the food there. After finished our lunch, the restaurant staff gave me a free cheesecake (for my birthday). The cheesecake was very nice.

From there, we adjourned back to the handphone shop to test and collect my new hp. At last, I got myself a new phone. It was Janice's birthday and Christmas to me. I felt happy for her gift to me.

We went to other floors to buy some stuff. When we went down to the ground floor, I was so amazed at the Christmas decoration. It was especially beautiful. I took some photos there.

We went to Mc Donald for some ice-cream. We rested a while there to enjoy our ice-cream From there, we went to down to the Basement to buy some food for dinner. At the bread/cake shop Janine bought a small birthday cake for me.

After bought everything, we went home. Janice and mum sang birthday songs and I cut my cake.

I felt happy and thankful to Janice for making my special day a remembrance. I thank God for giving me a family who loves me so much.

Morning at Psychiatrist Department

2020-12-23T05:42:00.001-08:00

Tuesday, 8 December 2020

It’s has been 3 months since my last follow up with my Psychiatrist till today (8/12). Denis drops me while Janice wheeled me up to the dept. When I arrived there around 10 am, there were many people already waiting.

At the same time, my Neuro medication has finished, and need to have a new follow-up. After Janice left me, she went to the Neuro dept (104) to take a new medication chit from the doctor and collect them in the pharmacy

On my side, I waited for nearly half an hour before the counter staff called my name to take blood pressure. When I pushed myself to the back room, few people were queueing in front of me. There was only one staff taking blood pressure for all the patients.

I came back outside, I saw my place was taken up by a few elderly people on the wheelchair. So, I stay behind the other wheelchairs.

While waiting for the doctor to call me, I observed the people there. I was unable to write my journal on my hp due to my eye problem.

When the doctor called my name, I was happy to see the same doctor who saw me the last time. She is a good, kind Malay doctor. When I was in her room, she asked me about my thyroid and the doctor I have seen. She told me my thyroid can upset my mood too.

After she has seen my mood is quite stable, she continue my present medication at the same dosage. Since everything was ok, I didn't stay long in her room. She wrote medication chit for me and helped to wheel me out.

As I pushed myself out to the corridor, a kind Chinese lady asked me if I help and she pushed me near to the lift. I thank God for sending someone to help.

After I went down and straight wheeled to the lobby. I took a Grab car home, thank God He gave me a good driver to help me into the car.

In the afternoon Janice collects my medication for me.

Thank you, God for helping me the whole morning.

Dream 1 - Marriage Life

2020-12-23T04:52:00.003-08:00

Wednesday, 2 December 2020

In 1997 when I started writing, I wrote about my dreams. I felt happy as some of them came true, but some of them didn't. So I accepted it.

Now I have a few other dreams too :

Since my younger day, when I saw my cousins and disabled friends got married. It has always been my dream to be a bride wearing a white beautiful wedding gown, but sadly it would never come to reality.

Even though I have a partner for the past 16 years, he can only be my companion. Due to some of his personal problems., we will never able to get married. Even though we cannot get married, I thank God for bringing him into my life. He is a great guy, as he's willing to accept me as his partner. He accepted me for who I am.

He cares, understanding, and patient towards my condition and he knows how to handle me when my spasm attacks me. Even he has his bad side, I accepted it as everyone has their good and bad side. We always share everything openly so we understand each other better.

I can say I'm quite sad as I won't able to get married, but nothing can be done. I have to accept it.

Weak neck

2020-11-29T23:57:00.001-08:00

Friday, 27 Nov 2020

Since I was a teenager my neck was very soft. I was not able to sit up with my head straight. It kept flopping down. As to keep my head up and straight, my class teacher (Cikgu Joe) made a headrest for me. Even with the headrest, my head still falls. Some of my school friends who saw me would push my head up.

I can say I hate the headrest, but what to do as it was to support my head. But thank God, in 1990 after my major spinal surgery in KL God strengthen my neck. I need not had to used it anymore from then on. I felt really happy at that time.

But now I feel sad my neck is getting weaker again. Last time I could sit the whole day without feeling neck/shoulder having pain. For the past few months when I sit, my neck keeps having muscle pain. I have to put a headboard to rest my head.

My fear now is my neck gets weaker, but I cannot do anything. My life is in God's hand. I can only pray that God will continue to strengthen my neck.

Take a break

2020-11-26T19:52:00.000-08:00

Sunday, 22 Nov 2020

I thought this whole month of CMCO I will not able to meet my darling, but to my surprised, on Sunday (22/11) he wants to bring me out. I was happy that he understands I felt very bored at home.

We cannot go to any shopping mall, so the only place he can bring is to his center. When he came (to bring me there), he told me they are cooking steamboat. I was happy in joining them. After arrived at their center, my daring started cutting and prepare the dishes for the steamboat. Teik wasn't there, but later he arrived with his daughters. Teik started to heat up and put the dishes into the steamboat pot. There were around 10 dishes, some dishes they bought and some were given by outsiders.

It was nice and fun having lunch with them. I quietly eat while listen to them chatting. Later Teik son join us. It has been quite some time since I last saw Teik three children together. Everyone was enjoying the steamboat.

Later that afternoon, while chatting, we talked about my wheelchair tire and break which was not working well. Teik wheelchair tire was better, so he changed my tire with his. He also tightens my wheelchair break. I felt happy as that afternoon he could change for me.

Since there were a lot of steamboats left, my daring prepared the food for me to bring home. After getting ready for everything, he brings me home. I felt happy to be with their company and to be at my darling side.

Trap Again At Home

2020-11-19T06:58:00.003-08:00

Monday, 16 November 2020

As of last week (9 Nov) CMCO starts again for a month for Semenanjung Malaysia. So I’m stuck at home and cannot go anywhere again. The most terrible thing is I cannot meet my darling for another month.

I canceled my physio appointment for tomorrow (17 Nov) In fact, I can go but I didn’t want to. There are many people in the physio dept and not the same in OT dept. Their room only has a few staff and patients So, I stay at home.

People always say home is where the heart is. But my home is like a prison to me. Even though I have my loving family with me, all the good food to eat, and everything I have in my home. The thing I feel is "loneliness and unhappiness in my heart.

When CMCO people are still able to go out to work and do daily things, But for me, I'm 24 hours at home. Though I occupied my time doing so many things, yet I feel frustrated, lonely, bored, and other feeling too. This is how I feel every day.

Terrible Feelings

2020-11-16T05:03:00.000-08:00

Sunday, 15 November 2020

Since last month, my mind is blank again as I don't know what to write. The whole day I occupied myself arranging my stamps, take the picture and post them online to sell.

I have many things in my heart I wanted to share, but it's difficult to put them in words. I don't understand why sometimes I can write so fast, sometimes I can't. I wish I can keep on writing as I love to write. I feel frustrated at this moment as I feel I don't have the mood and bored even though I occupy myself with many things. I hate this feeling.

Dear God, please help me. Take away these terrible feelings.

Stamp/First Day Cover Collection

2020-11-11T18:31:00.002-08:00

Monday, 9 November 2020

Lately, I took out my boxes of old stamps and first-day cover which I have kept them since years ago. Last time I collected a lot of stamps, washed, and place them into albums. Janice and my dad also used to keep lots of stamp albums and a lot of them were also unwashed stamps and from all over the world. They passed them all on to me.

Since I am unable to go out at this time of CMCO, I occupied my time arranging, wash, and take pictures of my stamps and first-day cover to sell. I'm slowly doing as there are a lot of them.

I'm doing all these things to occupy my day and especially my mind so that I don't keep thinking of negative things.

A Boring Month

2020-11-05T17:42:00.002-08:00

Saturday, 31 Oct 2020

The whole of last month (October) I didn't go to OT, Physio exercises due to CMCO at the State Prison behind GH. Though I wanted to go, Janice discourages me from going as afraid the Covid virus is there. So, I had to quietly stay at home. I didn't go to my Psychiatrist's follow-up either instead I change the appointment date to mid of December.

I can say, I was at home every day. I went out with my darling only twice last month. On other Sundays' he was busy with other things.

Even though I have daily things to do, yet I felt bored and lonely as I'm in my room day and night. I continue to do one thing after another, yet my feelings are the same.

Getting More Costly

2020-10-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

Thursday 29 October 2020

Since last week, I had a hole in my top front tooth. I dread to go to dental, but I had to. So last week Friday, I made an appointment with Adventist Hosp. dental again.

Two days ago (27/10), around 9.30 am Janice dropped me at the lobby and the staff there pushed me up to the dental dept. There were only a few people there when I arrived.

Within minutes, the nurse came to push me in. Dr. Eric checked my teeth before the nurse helped me down the chair. I thought my front tooth has a small hole, but Dr. Eric told me it was a big hole. He also saw another bottom tooth need filing.

He filled both teeth around 45 minutes. Thank God my spams didn't attack me and I was in good condition. I felt relief when it was finished.

After finish, a passerby nurse pushed me out to the counter. When the staff called me for payment, I was surprised the charges are so costly, I pay the bill with an unhappy feeling.

When Janice came to fetch me, I thank God everything was over that morning. Maybe it will be the last time I go to Adventist (dental) as everytime I went there the charges were getting more costly.

No Inspiration

2020-10-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

Monday, 26 October 2020

I haven't been updating my story since a week ago. I kept thinking about what to write, but my mind is blank. Sometimes my inspiration comes so fast that I can write within hours or days. Yet some days, I completely not able to write.

The whole of last week I didn't go anywhere. my body also didn't feel good too. Certain days I felt so down with my spasm. I can feel the nerve inside my body pulling me. My body movement slow down. I have difficulty in pushing my wheelchair, not only that I felt very tired.

Certain days when my spasm attacked me more severe I have to lie on the bed till evening. During that time I felt terrible as my muscle kept pulling and I wasn't able to do anything.

When my body stiff with spasm, it made my mum difficult to transfer me to bed. But she helped me patiently and quietly. I felt quilty and apologies to her, but her only word was "it's ok". What I did was thank her.

I thank God for giving strength to carry on with my sickness in my life.

My Life Photos

2020-10-20T05:45:00.006-07:00

Saturday, 17 Oct 2020

Lately, I have been changing my photo albums and went through all my photos. From childhood days until today, I have changed so much with God's grace. He gives me life until this very day.

I feel happy to see all my photos of my family outings, my close friends, my activities and outings with friends, my outstation and overseas trips, my boccia sports, and other photos. It’s a good memory of my life.

Even though with my sickness, God has given me life and I have done so much all these years. I thank God for all He has given and done for me.