Life in the Pitts

A New Addition!

2012-01-29T16:54:00.000-05:00

Remember our baby turtle named Higgins? That we released back into the wild, because it was the right thing to do?

(well, mostly because he wouldn't eat. but also because it was the right thing to do.)

Well,we missed him. A lot. So after a few weeks, I went online and found a reputable breeder. Which is how we got:

Finnegan!!!

This little guy stole our hearts.

When we ordered him from the breeder in Arizona, he arrived overnight through Fed Ex's Reptile Shipping Service. They have a whole department devoted entirely to live reptile delivery.

Who knew this was such a big market?

We had the option of shipping him overnight for $48.00 BUT for an additional $2.50, they would gaurantee a live delivery.

Um, yeah. We splurged on the extra $2.50.

Our little Finnegan is the exact same variety of Diamondback Terrapin as Higgins. He is supposed to be semi-aquatic, but he thinks he is fully aquatic. He never wants to leave his water.

He even sleeps underwater. Freaked me the hell out the first time I saw him floating at the bottom with his eyes closed. Every 10-15 minutes, he slowly floats to the surface to breathe, and then sinks again in his sleep. Little weirdo.

Most turtles I've seen are lethargic, and don't really do much. This guy? Is like a puppy. He gets SUPER excited to see us walk by, and swims up to say hi (and beg for food).

He is like our child. Kurt and I talk to our friends about him, like doting parents to a slightly-disinterested audience.

"And then, he walked away from me! It was so funny!!"
*polite smiles from friends who don't really care*
"Isn't that just so cute??"

And he is, you guys. He really is so cute.

A big surprise!

2012-01-19T18:10:00.000-05:00

Kurt walked casually into the room.

"Oh, hey. look what I did."

He handed me a paper. And on the top of that paper it said:

Cruise Itinerary

"Wait..."

"Yeah, I booked us a cruise."

"WHAT???!"

"For a week and a half from now."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS???!"

"Surprise."

Who does that, you guys? No one. No one but the guy I married.

So all those weird, annoying,and creepy things he does, just to drive me crazy...? This makes them all worth it :)

(Yes, my affection is for sale.)

We leave tomorrow :)

Surprise!

A classy moment at the gym.

2012-01-14T23:44:00.000-05:00

Kurt and I made very original resolutions this year. Involving getting in shape. And the gym.

We flock to Planet Fitness a few days per week, where Kurt starts grunting and sweating like a madman, while I half-heartedly try out all the fun machines. And I love it.

This week has been a little more rough, because I have what I fondly call "THE COLD OF DEATH."

It's the kind of head cold where you call your boss to see if they need you to come in for your on-call shift at the baby clothes store, and she says "NO. You sound awful. Don't you dare come near this store with those germs."

In between 18-hour bouts of sleep, I headed out the door with Kurt, because raising your temperature on a treadmill can actually help kill off some of those germs.

Plus I needed a reason to shower. It had been a while.

That's where we were tonight.

I climbed off my treadmill and walked towards the cleaning station. I just wanted to wipe down my machine. Then I felt it- my stuffy nose was about to leak.

I was reaching down to grab my tissue when a big, fat drip of snot splashed onto the floor.

I stared at it for a second in surprise. Then I looked up- into the grossed-out faces in the line of treadmills behind me.

Did they see that it was snot? Or did they think I was drooling? Either way, they were not amused.

Thank goodness half of them won't be here past February.

And Planet Fitness? Just got a little bit classier.

A tiny baby turtle named Higgins.

2012-01-10T09:32:00.000-05:00

In August, we went to Outer Banks. Where we found a baby turtle.

But wait, let me back up. One of the Wives had planned this trip a year ago. I've never planned that far ahead for anything. Not my wedding, not college, certainly not a vacation. So marking something on the calendar that far in advance...It was just too responsible of me, you know? I'm more of a last-minute kind of a girl.

BUT THEN. Hurricane Irene struck. And Hatteras Island, where we had rented that beach house a year in advance, was inaccessible.

No, really. Look.

(Photo from a Chain Email sent by My Father)

Thank goodness Jamie made us pay for renter's insurance. So Kurt and I, and the other 7 families, were able to get a reimbursement, and find another house that same week, in Duck- 57 miles away, but also on the Outer Banks of North Carolina.

Always get the insurance.

----------

One morning, Kurt came running back from the beach. It was incredibly early, and I was still sleeping (we're talking 9, maybe 10am). In his hand was a large shell. And in that shell was a baby turtle.

"Do you think he is ok? I thought he might be a sea turtle. How can we tell? What should we do?"

He had been searching for shells in some seaweed along the shore, and he saw a really pretty one. But when he picked it up, he realized it was a tiny, tiny baby turtle. Not even 2 inches big. He filled a shell with salt water, stuck the little guy inside, and ran back up to the house.

"Google," I said. "Google will know what to do."

And I found this: Hurricane Irene Brought Me a Visitor. What kind of turtle is it? What do I do with it?

Perfect.

Turns out this little one is a Diamondback Terrapin hatchling. Not a sea turtle, but a semi-aquatic little guy who is found on Cape Hatteras (they are found all over the coast, but this particular kind is found there). Irene had taken him for a ride.

Funny, right? Without the hurricane, we might have found him anyway, only in his original home.

We called the number, and asked what we should do. When they determined he wasn't a sea turtle, they said "Oh. Then it really doesn't matter."

Harsh, huh?

We loved our little guy. And he loved digging in the pillows, riding around in our hands, swimming in a pyrex bowl, and jumping off big cliffs- like the edge of the bed (we became very good at base-jumping-interventions).

The only thing he wouldn't do was eat.

In the end, we had to let him go. Because if we got all the way back to Pittsburgh, and he still wouldn't eat, it's not like we could say "Oh well, let's just take him back." (it was an 8-hour car ride)

It was really hard, though. We loved him a lot.

We did more research, and found out his ideal habitat- marshy, brackish water, with plenty of snails, worms, crabs, etc (he's a vicious little carnivore). He likes mud. And sunshine.

On the last day, we drove him back to where he had come from. We stopped and checked out lots of places, but none of them felt right.

And then we found it. A perfect, marshy embankment. With an adult terrapin swimming by.

We knew this was it.

So we knelt down, and stick him in the water. He swam back, and started digging happily in the mud.

He loved being all dirty.

We picked him back up before he could disappear, and said goodbye.

Then we set him down, and he started digging a little cave. In minutes, we couldn't see him anymore.

We sat there for a long time.

"I miss him."

"me, too."

"We did the right thing."

"I know."

And then we cried.

His name was Higgins.

.

Our house is the one that gave up on Christmas.

2011-12-25T18:49:00.000-05:00

It was 30 minutes later, and I was still staring at the giant wall of lights.

Nothing.

What the heck, Wal Mart? It was still weeks before Christmas. You couldn't have sold out already.

Sighing, I gave in, and approached the register.

The girl working in the Christmas department was around 20 years old. She seemed pretty normal- you know, not drooling or anything. And when I walked up, she smiled in a friendly way.

"How can I help you today?"

"I'm looking for some outdoor Christmas lights. Just the single-strand kind."

She frowned. "I've never heard of those."

"...Um, just a strand of lights? You know, the white ones?"

"Huh. Let's look at our wall."

We walked back over.

"Do you mean icicle lights?"

"No, um, just a single strand. In a straight line."

She stared at me for a second. "Yeah, I've never seen those before."

"Really? Just outdoor ones. That you can use to outline stuff."

"Oh, like rope lights! In that plastic tube stuff!"

"Um, well, similar. Only not in a tube."

"Uhm...."

"People sometimes put them on their houses? Or on a wreath?"

Nothing.

"Here. See these icicle lights? Imagine that they don't have little icicles coming off them."

"...."

"No? Ok, uh, there! Mini lights. On a 50 strand. Imagine lights just like this, only bigger."

"Ohhh! Big lights. Like these giant bulb ones."

"No. Not giant ones."

I looked around helplessly. By now, there was a crowd of people around us, all looking for the same kind of lights. I assume.

One lady jumped in. "You know, like on a Christmas tree? I just need indoor ones for mine."

The girl frowned in confusion. "No, Christmas tree lights are always green."

And then I gave up on humanity.

So if you stop by tonight, look for the house that is all kinds of festive. Lights on the house, the bushes, the trees, the porch. Lighted wreaths in every window. Three lighted deer on the front yard.

And then look next door. Because our house is the one that gave up on Christmas.

If only I had a secret credit card...OH, WAIT.

2011-12-21T22:07:00.001-05:00

American Express sent me a letter saying they've updated my address. You know, for my credit card. Which is awesome, except I DON'T HAVE AN AMERICAN EXPRESS CREDIT CARD.

It looked pretty official. But I knew it had to be a scam. Like that time when I sent you all "free" movie tickets.

I mentioned this whole tricky, spammy scheme to Kurt, and his reaction was...unexpected.

"Oh yeah, I might have signed you up for one a year ago. For skymiles. I didn't tell you though. Then I shredded it, so you couldn't use it."

AND HE WAS SERIOUS.

...I just don't know what to fight about first.

Sleeping-Version-of-Kurt is a jerk.

2011-12-03T18:12:00.001-05:00

What were you doing yesterday, at 1 in the morning? Because I was sleeping. Until THIS happened:

Sleeping-version-of-me is plotting revenge...

I am so ashamed.

2011-12-01T21:04:00.001-05:00

....I just bought the Big Mac Deal on Livingsocial.

And now I feel disgusting.

But you guys, it was SUCH a good deal.

So 4 months (and 20lbs) from now, I need you all to remind me of a few things:

I KNEW BETTER.

IT'S COMPLETELY MY FAULT.

I DID THIS TO MYSELF.

...AND I ENJOYED EVERY BITE.

How To End Christmas Gift Drama Before It Starts.

2011-11-23T17:25:00.001-05:00

Hey guys, I am very excited. I interviewed one of my favorite people (my brother in law, Dave), about one of my favorite holiday products. Which happens to be free.

This might just change your life.
--------------------------------------
Hey Dave, sorry this took so long to set up. Also, sorry my questions are so boring. Feel free to spice them up if you want!

Hmmm... spice them up. Should I sprinkle in suggestive pictures of myself after each question?

YES. Wait, no. My inlaws might read this.

What is the Wishlist Factory?

WishlistFactory is a free website that lets you share wishlists with groups of people, such as your family, your in-laws, close friends, etc. It's great for any holiday or celebration and it makes keeping track of what gifts everyone wants easy. This can be especially helpful during Christmas, when it's hard to keep track of who wants what, and who has already bought a certain gift for someone so you don't end up buying the same thing (duplicate gifts are usually a bad thing, unless it's money). WishlistFactory keeps track of all that stuff for you.

Why did you create it?

I originally made the website for my wife, who is very very into Christmas. You could even say it's an obsession, but you didn't hear it from me. She loved buying gifts for everyone, but this usually involved calling everyone to find out what they wanted, which resulted in answers like "Uhh... I don't know... a snuggie?". Even worse, she'd find out later that someone else already bought that person a snuggie! This made my wife unhappy, and when my wife is unhappy, guess who has to be unhappy? Me. Really I made the website for myself, but that sounds selfish, so the official answer is "to make the holidays a little easier on my wife".

What are your favorite features?

There's a lot of features that make sharing gifts with others easier, but I particularly like being able to claim gifts, so other people know to think twice about putting their grubby mitts on a gift I'm giving someone. You can also print out shopping lists for people, so you can remember what someone wants when you go to the store. I also like being able to sort gifts by price when I'm feeling cheap. That's nice too.

Of course WishlistFactory has all those other necessary features, such as uploading pictures of gifts from your computer or the web. You can also include a link with a gift so you people know exactly where to buy it online. But these features really aren't worth mentioning.

What is Surprise Protection?

Let's say you want someone to get some lingerie for your grandma, a spunky gal. You can add the lingerie to her wishlist and she won't be able to see that you added it. Your Grandpa checks her wishlist and excitedly buys the slinky surprise and marks it as Purchased on her wishlist. Now everyone know what she's getting, and your grandma's none the wiser. That's surprise protection.

How about the Desire Meter?

The Desire Meter is a fun little slider bar that lets you tell everyone in your groups how badly you want a certain gift. For instance, my 16-year-old brother-in-law has 60 gifts on his wishlist. Normally, I wouldn't know what to get him, but luckily he set the desire meter to 10 out of 10 on some gifts, so I know which gifts will be a hit. Now if I can only think of a way to come up with three hundred bucks for a leather trenchcoat...

Adding a Gift

What if I find something not on Kurt's list? How do I make sure no one else buys the same thing?

You can add gifts to other people's wishlists, and they'll never be able to see the gift, even though they can add gifts to their own wishlists. Then, you can set the gift's status at any time. You have several choices from Purchased(I bought the gift), Claimed(I'm going to get the gift, don't even think about it!), Too Expensive(I'm a cheapskate), and much more. Other group members can see these statuses so they know what's up.

Some gifts, of course, shouldn't be shared, Helena. For instance, that prescription strength deodorant you were planning on getting Kurt would fall under this category. I wouldn't worry about anyone else getting that for him, except for those who hang out with you, naturally.

What if I have multiple groups using it- my family, and Kurt's family? How does that work?

You can belong to multiple groups, so you can have one for your family, and one for your in-laws. Anyone in a group you belong to is allowed to look at your wishlists. I'm thinking about adding more options, such as Secret Wishlists that only people of your choosing can access, but I haven't implemented that yet. Once I do, I think people will feel a little more comfortable showing off gifts that they might not want their in-laws to see. You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah. I think we all do.

Thanks Dave, for sharing your masterpiece! Which you can all check out at wishlistfactory.com.

Happy Thanksgiving you guys! I hope this makes your holidays a little bit easier.

I just stood there.

2011-11-22T11:06:00.000-05:00

What would you do if a little old man came up to you, and said;

"you shouldn't eat so much. You'd look better."

Because I just stood there in shock.

And then I wanted to cry.

It's been a rough week, you guys. And it's only Tuesday.

I need him to hate me. Any ideas?

2011-11-14T19:10:00.001-05:00

"Why not?"

I stared at Kurt, confused.

"Because. It's dangerous."

"It was dangerous last time. But that didn't stop us. We climbed all the way out to the edge. Remember?"

"We were stupider then."

"We did not die."

"Look, I said no."

"Fine. You can watch. And I will have the adventure."

I turned to hop out onto the rock, but he quickly snatched my arm.

"I said no. You can't do it."

"I did it before."

"But I love you more now."

I raised my eyebrow.

"That's how marriage works. I love you more now than I did a year ago. So I can't let you risk your life."

I raised both eyebrows.

"By the time you're 50 years old, I won't let you leave the house."

I stared at him in disbelief. Was he joking, or he was serious? Or maybe something in between? In the end, it didn't matter. He pulled me up onto the overlook, and that's as close as I got to the waterfall.

So now I need your help.

How can I make him hate me just a little bit more?

No really, guys. I need ideas. Maybe something along the lines of stop showering. Completely. And then drenching myself in Paris Hilton's perfume to cover up the smell.

Only, you know, less gross.

My newest, most delicious obsession

2011-11-07T16:30:00.003-05:00

This week on "Thing I Can't Believe I Lived Without"

Franks Hot Sauce.

I want to bathe in this stuff.

Just grab a cup full, add some mozzarella, a little cream cheese, some ranch dressing, and Viola!

Perfect dipping sauce. Great for chicken, chips, bread, strawberries...

Well, maybe not strawberries.

But I was serious about the bathing.

What are you craving?

...I haven't washed my jeans in a while.

2011-11-02T15:30:00.000-04:00

"I don't think jeans get dirty. They just get more and more comfortable, and then they get smelly. But by then, you are tripping over them anyway, so you are kind of looking forward to washing them and sticking them in the dryer, so they will shrink. The next few days are a little muffin-top and wedgie-inducing, but then they loosen up, and it will be a good 3 months before they see the inside of the hamper again. You know?"

Kurt stared at me in silent horror.

He is so weird sometimes.

A Creepy Kidney

2011-10-31T10:58:00.000-04:00

The ultrasound technician looked confused, and then surprised.

"That can't be right..."

But after a few minutes of looking, she turned to me and said;

"I can't find your kidney."

--------

Wait, back up. Why was I getting an ultrasound? Am I pregnant? Who starts a story this way??

I guess I'll go back to when it all began.

My mom was 16 when she had one of her ovaries removed. She had really bad cysts, and the doctors decided to operate.

It was ok, though. She managed to have 5 kids, with her single remaining ovary.

But cysts? They run in my family.

As long as the pain goes away in a day or two, my doctor told me not to worry about them.

But when the pain had dragged on for 4 days, I started to get nervous.

Hence, the ultrasound technician.

--------

"Good news! Your ovaries look normal. No abnormally large cysts or anything."

I smiled in relief. Surgery is something I'd love to avoid.

"Now I'm going to check out a few other things."

She checked out my left side, and then moved to my right. There she stopped. After a few minutes, she started to seem worried.

"That can't be right..."

Great. Just what everyone wants to hear when someone is looking at their insides.

"...I can't find your right kidney."

I swallowed hard. "Um, maybe it moved?"

"I'll check in a few other places.

5 minutes later, she found it.

"It's in your abdomen! See? Here is your heart valve. And right below it is your kidney."

I looked at the screen, and saw nothing but lumpy static.

"Here, let's look at the left side. That kidney is around back, where it's supposed to be. And your right one...here...it's supposed to be tucked below your liver. But it's not. It's in front, kind of twisted into a funny position."

I just...I had no idea what to say.

"I have no idea if it's functional. But really, you only need one to live. And you've never had any problems before?"

I shook my head.

"Good. Well, we'll refer you to a kidney specialist. It might be fully functional. Who knows? Anyway, that's it. I'll let you get dressed."

I was beyond weirded out. But also kind of excited.

See? Proof that I'm special.

It's good to know, that's for sure. A sharp pain in my abdomen- I would never think "Oh hey, maybe it's my kidney." I'd probably just grab a laxative, and then die.

Also, if one of my enemies tries to stab me in the kidney, they will miss by a good foot and a half.

Built in stabbing-protection.

Tell me I'm not the only one with a weird body?

That thin line between love and murder...

2011-10-20T23:40:00.003-04:00

That judging kind of criticism- you know, the kind only a spouse can give? Makes me want to sit down and do absolutely nothing. For the rest of my life. Out of spite.

Faux Hawk

2011-08-29T09:20:00.004-04:00

One night, I convinced Kurt to let me play with his hair.

He keeps it so short. Which looks good, but I had this sneaking suspicion...

...and I was right. He can rock a faux hawk.

Too bad he won't ever do it in real life.

(HA!)

What do you think?

Also, is there an aspect of your man's appearance you wish he would let you tweak a little? His hair, his clothes, his scruff...?

,

The Day The Romance Died.

2011-08-25T21:40:00.002-04:00

"You know when you have to poop so bad, your whole body feels cold and shivery?"

I turned and stared, a horrified denial stuck in my throat.

"No? Well, that's why I'm shivering. As soon as we get there, I need to find a bathroom. Or things are going to get explosive."

And that last spark of magic withered and died.

.

And THAT is why you need 6 weeks (or months?) to recover.

2011-08-23T17:14:00.003-04:00

I was tidying up the t-shirt tables at work today when a young mother walked in with a double stroller. In this stroller were two little kids. They were the exact same size.

"Hi there! How old are you guys?"

The cute little boy and his sister both held up three fingers. I smiled at them, and then asked their mother, "Are they twins?"

She sighed heavily.

"No. But they are both 3. They're only 10 months apart."

Ten months. TEN! That means she got pregnant a month after giving birth.

I guess my horror must have shown on my face.

"Yeah." She said in a hopeless voice. "It was not planned."

You guys, what would you do? Besides murder your husband in his sleep, of course.

They didn't even look Irish...

.

Homeschooled kids are SO WEIRD.

2011-08-19T10:33:00.000-04:00

When most people think about homeschooling, they think about this:

(or click here)

Am I right?

(although, with some of the stories I've shared on here, it might not be that far off target...)

.

A Crazy Summer Adventure

2011-08-17T09:14:00.082-04:00

Hey guys, today I'd like to introduce you to a new friend of mine: Fort Living Room.

She is an anonymous blogger, who is just getting started. We're swapping blogs for the day, which means she has free reign of my blog, and I am posting whatever I want on hers.

Whatever. I. Want.

So please, show her some comment love, and then head on over to see my post on Fort Living Room.

-----------

Hi there. I am Fort Living Room; a 20 something (ok, almost 30 something) wife to an active duty soldier. My current location varies depending on where the Army decides my husband needs to be. I live with my husband and dog, who both love me, and despise each other.

This whole thing for me started because of a joking Facebook conversation with some friends, when I said "well I could always start a blog so lots of people could read my opinions". They thought it was a fabulous idea. I laughed it off, then gave it some thought, then did it.

I choose to blog anonymously since my husband is in the Army. I never in any way want anything I say or do to reflect negatively upon him, so I just keep our names and locations out of everything. Obviously, I’m an Army wife. I assure you it’s nothing like the show. Every day is a new adventure waiting to happen.

My summer started off with one such adventure. We moved 3000 miles from the northwest to the southeast at the end of May. My husbands’ orders didn’t get finalized until two weeks before his report date to the next duty station, which meant we had two weeks to pack up everything we own, get a moving truck and trailer for our car, load it all up and move 3000 miles. So, we did.

There’s nothing quite like taking a road trip all the way across the country. If you’ve never done it, I absolutely suggest it. However, skip the U-haul and just use a car. We left with high 50 to low 60 degree temperatures and two feet of new snow on the ground in the mountains.

Near Snoqualmie Pass, Washington State (yes it was the week before Memorial Day)

All the way through the northern states (Idaho, Montana and South Dakota) we never made it out of the low 60’s. We pushed hard to make it all the way to our new home in five days. When we finally reached the east coast and stopped for the first time in West Virginia, we got out and the heat was awful. Somewhere along the way we missed spring completely and jumped straight in to summer. Nothing has really changed since.
The scenery alone is worth the trip. We have such a vast country with changing landscapes. We started out two hours from the Pacific Ocean and ended up two hours from the Atlantic Ocean. We crossed the Cascades, Rockies and Appalachians. We crossed the Missouri, Mississippi, Ohio and other large rivers; some more than once.

A word of caution though, if you’re ever on I-90 in South Dakota, stop whenever you see an exit with a gas station or truck stop. We drove all the way across that state and as beautiful as it is, it’s a lot of wide open space and nothing else. You can literally drive hundreds of miles and not see another person.

Somewhere on I-90 in South Dakota

Since that move, I’ve watched my husband graduate from another school and gotten to take more pictures (even though he hates it). I’ve been able to visit home for only the second time in more than two years. We actually got to spend a day on the beach. We’ve visited some area museums. For the most part we’ve learned our way around. We’ve grilled out on our back deck a couple of times. On the Fourth of July we enjoyed the impromptu fireworks show one of our neighbors displayed. Last but not least, in the way of the Army, we are waiting on new orders, so soon our adventure will start all over and we’ll once again pack up, load up and drive off to the next destination.

Thank you Helena for swapping blogs with me!

---------------

If y'all liked what you read, head on over to Fort Living Room, where she writes about everything from Flash Mobs to Target Practice.

---------------

This partnership is due entirely to 20-Something Bloggers (which we both qualify for. Even if she is almost 30).

Loose Ends...

2011-08-16T09:41:00.004-04:00

Remember how I lost my job, and then I never blogged about it again? Until yesterday, that is. Well, that made me think- there are probably a lot of loose ends lying about.

So I went hunting for frayed strings...

I can hear again! I was using ear-cleaning fluid, and standing on my head, and suddenly there was aloud POP! And everything went back to normal. The moral of this story? Yoga. Yoga is the answer to everything.

We went with Verizon (and completely love it). The people are much nicer, the price is much nicer, and the internet service is much, well, nicer. Less choppy. More reliable. Just...nicer.

Chantel was lying. This will ALWAYS be shady.

Kurt broke his word, and passed his boards. Man, have I got a few posts about that up my sleeve... (oh no, not another cliff-hanging loose-end.)

We got new couches (but kept the foam). Would you like to see pictures?

We never found out whose pee it was. But we also never had another break-in. I call that a draw.

I'm still not pregnant. But you are all still asking. STOP THAT.

This...was a failure.

I forgot I was learning this.

This is still the coolest thing you could do for your holiday shopping.

And finally, that creepy lady is still out there. Every day. For the past 2 years. Talk about a dedicated teacher (snort). Unless what she is teaching is math... $400 = 2 ounces + very bloodshot eyes.

There are probably a few I missed. So if you've been wondering about something that I just left hanging, let me know.

You know, it feels kind of nice to have things all tied up.

---------

Have you ever written about something, and then completely forgotten to follow up?

.

MY NEW (completely awesome) JOB!!

2011-08-15T10:00:00.007-04:00

I got a job!!

So, you remember back when I was laid off right before Christmas? And how they wanted to hire me back? And how they never got the funds, and so I've been not-working, and mostly just sleeping since January??

Yeah. Kurt noticed that too.

"So, you're still spending money. Maybe you should make some."

I politely ignored his little remark, and went back to my leisurely shopping ways.

But then, on one fateful afternoon, I was walking by a Carter's baby clothes store...

...AND I WENT IN.

No wait, it gets better.

I ASKED FOR AN APPLICATION.

AND I GOT THE JOB.

Jump back!

I feel weird saying this, but it's kind of my dream job.

I love the merchandise (and I love my discount.)

I love my customers (who isn't happy about baby clothes??)

And I love my boss/coworkers

(that's probably the most important one. It can make or break a job.)

I even love the cash register! (I was gushing about it for days. No really, it was super exciting. It's a touch-screen, and it's so easy, and in past retail jobs that has been my worst nightmare.)

Every time I work, I come home happy. Actually, I don't even want to come home- it is that much fun.

And that secret stash of baby clothes that I've been collecting for the past few years? Is not so little anymore. In 14 years, I might even have enough to cloth a baby...

<3

The deadline has been set, KURT.

2011-08-12T10:51:00.002-04:00

As I left for the airport on Monday, my sweet, little, newly-Mormon Grandma pulled me close, and whispered in my ear:

"Next time you come, you should bring a baby with you."

Then she stared me down. My eyes widened in surprise.

"...Um, someday Grandma. But not yet."

"Well, just don't wait until you are 40. I've been thinking about it, and 40 is just too old for you to start having babies."

Well, I can't argue that one.

"Ok. Before I'm 40. I promise."

So that's it, Kurt. Your deadline is set. 14 years from now, we are having a baby.

OR ELSE.

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An Illustrated Giude to This Week's Return Flight.

2011-08-11T09:18:00.006-04:00

-----------------------

...I'm never traveling again.

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My Grandma got Baptized.

2011-08-10T17:21:00.006-04:00

I stared at my sister through the computer screen, my jaw hanging open.

"What??"

"Yeah, you hadn't heard? It's next weekend, and she is really excited. She asked David to baptize her."

I hadn't heard. But this was awesome news.

My Grandma moved out to my Dad's house a few months ago. Yup, this grandma.

I knew she was going to church with them on Sundays, but I thought it was just for the social aspect.

I really didn't see it coming.

But I did see it happen.

Before joining my church, you have to sit down with the missionaries, and learn all about it. The history, the principles, the way it's organized, etc.

And then they quiz you on it.

"What is the Law of Chastity?"

My Grandma stared nervously at the young missionaries sitting across the table.

"Um...don't drink coffee?"

They looked uncomfortably at my dad. "Uh, no. It's...Well, Brother Kaiser, do you want to take this one?"

My dad leaned in and whispered loudly "It's sex Mom. SEX."

The 19 year old missionaries blushed bright red, desperately avoiding eye contact.

"Oh, right! No illiterate sex." She smiled proudly.

Yup. That's right. If you can't read, you won't be getting any from my Grandma.

Later, after they left, she realized what she had said.

"Oh, shoot! It's no pre-marital sex. Should we have them come back?"

"I wouldn't worry about it, Mom. They knew what you meant."

She had asked David (who is 16) to baptize her, and my Dad helped. And they didn't drop her or anything.

(that was her main fear)

We all did something. Amber gave a talk, and Chantel and I gave the opening and closing prayers. Jimmy confirmed her, and Mike and Dave were witnesses.

And Annie? Annie helped her change out of her wet clothes, and blow dried her hair.

"Thank you Annie, for helping me."

"Of course Grandma! I wouldn't miss it."

"...But I know you just wanted to see me naked."

"Yup, you caught me...".

(I swear I'm not orange in real life)

My Grandma cried a lot that day, but they were tears of happiness. Her decision to join my church was a big one, and it meant a lot to my family. But I think it meant even more to her.

"I never knew." She told me. "I never did. Just wait until I get to tell your Grandpa."

I hope that conversation is still years in the future. We're not ready to say goodbye to her yet.

I Love you, Grandma Bea.

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