Life in Tranformation

Life is improving...

2020-06-27T18:49:00.001-04:00

While this has been one hell of a crazy life, I am happy to say that stability is returning to my life even as the world around us is in upheaval. We are still mostly isolating as we deal with COVID-19. Even though many places have been opening back up and we reopened the donut stand in May, the recent rapid rise of COVID cases continues to make us aware of our surroundings and doing what we can to reduce the spread.

But we are going out more. I took the boys to a small grocery store the other day. Aside from going to their Grandma's to help make the donuts and J being my fellow donut stand worker from 9 to noon on saturdays, the boys have not gone out since April. So they needed to get some empowerment (small but picking out groceries gives them some control over their lives) and some seeing other faces. The paper masks I bought at home depot the other day were more comfortable than the sock masks I made, so the boys were not uncomfortable.

The chickens and dogs have been keeping us entertained though the rabbits have dug a burrow under their hutch so we dont see them as often. The heat is getting bad here in florida so i dont blame them for seeking the cool of underground.

I can not say it has been a "productive" few weeks, but I can say that I have been healing emotionally and rebuilding my internal sense of self. In some ways I have cocooned and just done very little on the outside. Finally I am waking up and the boys are also healing. Yelling outbursts have reduced, everyone is getting better at giving themselves space as they get upset, and the intense chaos that addiction and insanity brought to our family is finally losing its influence.

My soon to be ex-spouse remains blocked on all of out social media. Though I do hope that someday we have all healed enough in a few years to reconnect for brief check-ins, if it is safe for our mental health. But having had a long separation before, I am thinking this may be one person that a clean break is the only way for everyone to feel safe and sane.

I am hopeful that as the boys and I continue to heal and to work together through this stuff, as each of us finds and acknowledges what we are responsible for and accepts what we are not, that we can sort through these emotions, and see where we can make better choices so that we dont repeat the same problems. We want to focus on solutions, closure, letting go, and moving forward.

The rollercoaster stopped, but what planet am I on?

2020-05-11T23:33:00.001-04:00

All charges have been dropped, all restrictions lifted...that was the call I got last Friday so I was able to go HOME and have my children back fully in time for Mother's Day. I have no idea if my soon to be ex-spouse didn't show for her meeting with the courts or if she fessed up and told the truth about her adding a lot of lies to the base of truth. But either way, I have been cleared of all charges.

So that roller-coaster that I somehow got shoved onto in early April finally ended, and its exit is not where I expected. Though I have been at this carnival of crazy life since well January really, I didn't fully hit the midway until my job disappeared in march and then the COVID pandemic changed all possible plans. Before being shoved onto April's bizarre roller-coaster, I had been working on becoming an online ESL teacher, so I could still work and meet the needs of the boys. But it has been so long I may have lost my spot, so I need to see if that is even a possibility still. I also had applied to get my teaching certification in this state and planned to sub the rest of the school year and into next year so I could both grow my in classroom experience and still have the flexibility I need to get the kids to all their appointments, work, and get back to after-school activities that being them both joy and socializing.

I also had planned on getting back to wood-burning crafts to sell at farmers markets and craft fairs and rejoin my mom's donuts business. Lots of little streams of income. To have greater flexibility of time when the kids need me though it is more work.

Instead I am here planning out our budget to make sure rent and utilities get paid, grateful for gifts from friends and family that have helped. I am grateful to the school's lunch delivery that we have been able to take advantage of, giving the kids a good walk to the end of the street each day. I am grateful for the regular checks that come in for the boys disability and survivor-ship benefits which keep us from drowning.

But I have ideas and plans, and I am committing to get the ball rolling now that the unexpected betrayal and hellish confusion of April is behind us. The only constant is change...well change and Love, real love not that romantic nonsense, but deep spirit level love that knows no disconnect from the source of all Creation. It is what binds us together at a level deeper than any betrayal or conquest or challenge. Maybe I will actually take a deep breathe and publish the book that I wrote a decade ago. We will see where life leads now that life is opening a new chapter...unknown and undeveloped, perfect for the imagination to create whatever transformation it can hold to...

Rollercoaster from Hell, the shorter-ish version

2020-05-02T18:38:00.002-04:00

I wrote a long long post about the Rollercoaster from Hell that has been my experience of the past 4 weeks. Then decided not to post it as it was very long and too detailed. Suffice to say that hell is this: in addition to not having a steady income, working with the kids on their school work, being cooped up due to social distancing with 2 kids with extra needs who really miss their routine and school and friends; and add to that a mentally unstable spouse who has relapsed into heavy drinking, who then decided to try a new tactic for manipulating me (she figured out that telling me she would kill herself if I did not do XYZ no longer works as I just make a call and she ends up in the behavioral health unit for a few days until they are convinced she is not a danger to herself or others); long story short, we got into an argument, she broke something, I told her it was time to get a divorce, she said "give me $100 or I will call the cops and say that you beat me", I didn't believe her. She kept ranting and raving, and I called the non-emergency sheriff number to find out if he out of control behavior could be grounds for going involuntarily into treatment, she got angry that I was trying to have her committed again, and she called 911 and said I beat her up. She had pushed me at one point and I had pushed her back to get away from her prior to the whole phone calls.

Cops came, no marks on anyone, I tell them what is going on, she creates this big sob story lie about me beating her up. Since I admit to pushing her back after she pushed me and she says she didn't push me, they decide I am the aggressor (lie wins over truth, really people?!?!?!) and arrest me, leaving 2 kids with special needs at home with an obviously intoxicated person with a long history of mental health issues. So the kids went with my mom amid all this COVID-19 stuff, putting our whole family at risk, I have been dealing with a very overburdened justice system (it took over 3 weeks for the prosecutor to even GET my case). My lawyer has filed a motion for the charges to be dismissed but the prosecutor has not even had a chance to look at the file. So This damn limbo is crazy. I know it will be alright in the end. I have no doubt that the bogus charge will be dismissed.

I do not think an arrest was what my wife expected, as she had been trying to get a hold of me since then to find out when I am coming home to her. She did not understand that here, they HAVE to arrest someone in a domestic violence call if someone claims they were hit, and that person is automatically barred from any contact with the spouse, children, or even coming within a mile of the house. She had called my mother multiple times saying to have me call or come over (I had to stay at my sister's house). I really think she thought they would just come over, see that nobody was hurt, and give a stern talking to, then she would have the power to hold over me that if I did not do what she demanded, then she could just call them again. Little did she know that it actually made the problem of our relationship better, becasue when I tried to kick her out in January, her mother begged me to make sure she was safe. And since January I have been trying to find either an affordable place for her to move to with me paying the down-payment (all the places I presented she rejected), or to find her a couple of housemates so she could stay here and afford this place, while the kids and I moved. She rejected all of the people I found to interview. So, after months of dealing with crazy drunk lady who I could not throw out becasue I am stupidly not willing to let her live on the streets, and her family had refused to take her in, finally she made her own bed. Now that she has played the victim card, her mother will let her come back home, and she packed up and left over a week ago, 1800 miles away.

I am finally free of the conflicted feelings of needing her to be out of the house and away from my kids, and the feeling that if she could just feel loved enough she might go back into recovery and be that amazing person that I have seen her to be. So now it is just a matter of cleaning up this legal mess she made, then finalizing for divorce, and getting life back on a better track for me and my kids. And never, ever dating until the kids are all grown up. I seem to always pick substance abusers who can not stay in recovery, and am too stupid to let go before my life gets snowballed. No more bad choices in people....

Self-isolating Day 16...

2020-03-31T14:15:00.002-04:00

Technically, the first week starting on March 16th was the start of the kids' Spring Break, but the Thursday before everything had started with extracurricular activities being canceled and the start of suggested social distancing here in Florida. But we did take it seriously. Being from New York and having lived in both Massachusetts and Connecticut in addition to New York State, we are very connected to people who were and still are in the heavy hit area. So all of our spring break plans were canceled and we have been hanging out at home.

We have been doing some basic online school since last week (as spring break technically was over) using the online desktops that the school provides for the kids, reading the online textbooks. One teacher set up an account with individual assignments on iknowit.com for math. Tomorrow we officially begin quarter 4 distance learning through school. That is the time that the school distract has been able to give teachers to get online classrooms set up and to decide how they want to run their classes. So I have been trying to get my high-schooler logged in and set up in the google classroom with the codes sent by his teachers. My other son is in a self contained special education 8th grade classroom. While he has been doing the online math, and some reading, I got an email from the teacher saying that some of the students do not have access to online, so she is going to do paper packets for all the kids to make it uniform. Tomorrow I will go to school and pick up his packet. She will be available for zoom, email, or text.

Having 2 children with special needs and in very specific special education programs, this transition to being at home has been very hard for both of them. Neither of them adjust to change well, and though so many people have told me I should homeschool them, I have avoided it becasue I think they need social interaction with peers (though the few times we have done partial years homeschooling, they do well academically because it can be completely tailored to their needs, including breaks and environment). But I also have avoided it becasue both boys have significant behavioral challenges, and I believe thy respond better to correction and modeling by having multiple adults in their lives that they can turn to. With just one or two people, the anger and frustration gets focused on those adults. It can be a challenging situation. So, my hats again go off to the teachers and support staff that has worked with both of my children at schools, and I am again reminded how hard it is to be one of the few adults that my children can turn to becasue they do not have access to their teachers to get the emotional and social support from them as well.

They need more people in their lives, and we need a break from each other so we can enjoy each other more, and I need a break from dealing with their challenges and managing their needs. So while I think i could home-school them well, I think from a social and emotional aspect, having more good adults in their lives is very important. For my own sanity, and probably theirs as well, having more people in our lives is a good thing. This stay at home time is challenging but we are trying to make the best of it, especially as everyone in this house technically has a condition that would put them in the high risk category.

So today, I am taking care of the chickens, guiding the kids, trying to keep calm to help my son with brain damage stay stable. We are enjoying the blessings of the school lunch delivery program: they took away the bus as our route has so few kids that were getting lunch, but the school employee got permission to use her personal car to deliver the lunches to the designated spot--so thank God for her willingness to step up even more than she already was. Today I will be continuing to work on my certification to teach online, and hopefully get that finished by tomorrow and be able to take the exams.

By then hopefully all the background checks will be back, and I can get approved to start teaching ESL online. I had headed in that direction becasue I need to be available for the kids, and their appointments and needs. The current pandemic is making it clear to me that having a work from home job again is going to be beneficial. Its just going to be a hard April as we will have little income for the month, but much of the world is in the same predicament. And those that are essential employees and having to keep working are at such a higher risk, i do not envy them.

Hoping that people are able to stay the course, follow the rules of social distancing and only necessary outings, and that this pandemic will begin to slow down, and eventually run its course and be done. And then we can all recover in so many ways. I think we will be changed, and I hope it is for the better.

A couple of years later....

2020-03-22T16:06:00.001-04:00

Wow...life certainly has transformed in the past couple of years, some through well thought out choices, bravely taking big steps towards change without any guarantees, and some through the ebb and flow to the world around us.

Often I have thought of reviving this blog, even though I had temporarily changed to a different platform. This is my original and so to blogger I return. I had switched to WordPress as it is easier to monetize and adapt for money making, but I realized that doing so took something away from my personal reasons for writing. Of course every blogger would love to have a small residual income off their blog. But for me, making money is not why I started a blog, nor why I want to blog. And even if it did not earn a few cents here and there, I would still recommend the books that I do because I think my readers could benefit from them.

I blog to share my journey, good and bad, with others, as I believe we all can benefit from the perspectives and experiences of others. While we each need to walk our own journey, we can walk beside each other and learn from each other as our paths cross or our roads travel in the same direction for a time.

This blog is about transformation--the intentional altering of perceptions and actions to change the experience of life. It is about trying to live proactively in both big and small ways to make life better, for myself, for my family, for my friends and loved ones, for my community, for my state, for my country, for our species, for the world, for all of creation. For me this blog speaks to my journey in Tikkun Olam--literally meaning To repair the world (Heb)--a Jewish Concept I learned about may years ago in an amazing class in college taught by Marv Wilson.

The past few years for me have been a time of many changes which has resulted in transformation, some events out of my control, some proactive choices of my own:

the unexpected death of my former spouse whom had become one of my best friends and an active co-parent of our children in June 2017
dealing with the many challenges of my youngest sons brain damage combined with puberty, which got very bad in 2017 and 2018
taking an extended leave from work to try to manage the kids needs and my own health needs in 2018
reconnecting with my estranged spouse to get a divorce only to rekindle our marriage instead
finally deciding to move with my children nearly 2000 miles to a totally different climate to be closer to some of my family (which took me very far from other family members who I miss so much)
Learning to live in Florida when I have always lived in the North-East--a very different climate--both physically (as no "real" winter) and culturally (a bit of shock and adjustment)
Working with my mother on her doughnut business, taking over while she had and healed from spinal surgery;
taking care of my baby niece when my sister worked which was so much fun
managing with my oldest sons very difficult and lengthy adjustment to our new situation, autism does not lend itself to big life changes
deciding to try to get back to work as a scientific researcher after a decade out of the field (very thankful to the PI who saw my potential and was willing to let me back in the door
dealing with my spouses relapse again into alcoholism and all of the chaos and challenges that come with that
Moving on to a FARM finally, having 2 acres with outbuilding in an agricultural setting, though renting, it is still one of my major goals met
Becoming overwhelmed by the needs of high needs children, now a high needs spouse, and a high level job with a long commute...
My youngest needing another surgery with another round of a few wheelchair bound
The decision to reduce my hours at work to better meet the needs of my kids and reduce my own out of control stress issues which raised my blood sugar and blood pressure to dangerous levels again
The falling through of the reduction of hours due to trusting verbal agreements about the reduction in hours and not waiting for it in writing before putting my resignation from the full time position in writing, then having the boss change her mind about doing the reduced hours position.
The sweeping changes and guideline, school cancellations, and social distancing recommendations that made it good that I am home at a time like this

Now, at this moment in history, many human beings are helping other by voluntarily doing nothing--by staying home, by distancing themselves socially, by doing self-isolation--protecting the most vulnerable in our society by limiting contact to prevent and slow down the spread of COVID-19. While it looks like over 80% of those who contract it recover, a good portion without major complications, the elderly, those with respiratory challenges, heart challenges, and other major medical issues (like diabetes, hypertension, decreased immune response, etc...) are at much higher risk of serious complications which include pneumonia, difficulty breathing, heart failure, and even death.

While this pandemic will not last forever, and in fact it seems like with proper social distancing could be curtailed within 4-6 months. I base this on the time from the first diagnosed victim in Late December 2019 to today (March 22, 2020) in Wuhan China (no new cases reported for 4 days), it is hopeful that 3-4 months from initial case to the end of each country's disease load will be in the final stages of recovery. Hopefully by December of 2020, the world will have recovered from this pandemic, and the grief of the loss of thousands will be beginning to heal. My hope is that people will also look at their neighbors and strangers in a more positive light, remembering that when it comes down to our communities, most of us have been willing to be uncomfortably sequestered so that we all have a better chance at survival.

Eliminating Suspect Foods

2018-05-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

The following table includes a list of food to avoid for each type of intolerance. To eliminate both Histamine and FODMAP foods at the same time would be very difficult and you should seek the help of a registered dietician or nutritionist for that level of food elimination. As with any dietary change, you should talk to your doctor and tell them your plan before you begin. Both the FODMAP and Histamine Intolerance elimination phases are very restrictive, so it is good to do your research beforehand.

One of the best ways to begin ruling out if a certain food, or set of foods, is creating problems for you is through an elimination diet. In this case, to eliminate Histamine Intolerance, you would modify your diet to avoid foods known to increase a histamine reaction. If there is no improvement after 2-3 weeks of avoiding all of those foods (see table below), then it is probably not Histamine Intolerance. If you are feeling better, note which symptoms were alleviated. Then add in one eliminated food at a time slowly, increasing for two weeks, while still avoiding the rest. If you notice symptoms reappearing, write that down, and avoid that food. If after 2 weeks, no symptoms reappear, then add another food from the list. Keep doing this until you have a list of food that your body is sensitive to, and plan your meals around avoiding those foods.

The same process is good for the FODMAP elimination. One of the best approaches is to eliminate ALL FODMAP foods on the table below for 2-3 weeks. Then choose one category of the FODMAPs and slowly introduce one food at time for 2 weeks at a time as directed about. If 3 or 4 foods in a particular category make particular symptoms reappear, it is best to avoid all foods in that category. Once you have eliminated a category or deemed all foods in that category safe for you, move on to the next category.

It is a long process, as body chemistry takes time to shift. But if you are struggling with ongoing fatigue, bloating, pain, brain fog, and other distressing symptoms, it is worth focusing on eliminating particular foods from your diet to feel better in the long run. The process is a long but valuable one, and one that will hopefully give you a clearer head, a more comfortable body, and more energy to live the life you want to be living.

Foods to Avoid For Each Type of Intolerance

Food	Fructose	Oligos	Lactose	Polyols	Ferment	Histamine
Agave	X
Alcohol					X	X
Anchovies						X
Apples	X			X
Apricots				X		X
Artichokes		X
Asparagus		X
Avocados				X		X
Bacon						X
Banana ripe	X					X
Barley		X
Beans		X
Beet Roots		X
Black Tea						X
Broccoli		X
Brussel Sprouts		X
Buttermilk			X			X
Cabbage		X
Cashews		X
Cauliflower				X
Celery				X
Cheese soft			X
Cheese aged						X
Chocolate						X
Citrus fruits						X
Dates		X				X
Deli & Cured Meats						X
Dried fruit						X
Eggplant						X
Energy drinks						X
Fennel		X
Fermented foods						X
Figs						X
Fructose	X
Fruit Juices	X
Garlic		X
Green tea						X
High Fructose Corn Syrup	X
Honey	X
Hot Dogs						X
Hummus		X
Kefir			X		X	X
Kombucha		X			X	X
Leek Bulbs		X
Lentils		X
Mackerel						X
Mahi-Mahi						X
Mangos	X
Mate tea						X
Mayonnaise						X
Milk			X			X
Mushrooms		X		X
Nectarines		X		X
Nuts						X
Olives						X
Onions		X
Papaya						X
Peaches				X
Peanuts						X
Pears	X			X
Peas		X		X
Pepperoni						X
Pickles		X				X
Pineapple						X
Pistachio		X
Plums		X		X
Prunes		X		X		X
Pulses		X
Raisins		X				X
Rye		X
Salami						X
Sardines						X
Sauerkraut						X
Shellfish						X
Smoked fish						X
Snow Peas		X		X
Sour Cream			X			X
Sour Milk			X			X
Soured Bread		X				X
Soured foods						X
Soy milk		X
Soy sauce						X
Spinach						X
Strawberries						X
Sugar free sweets				X
Sugar snap peas	X
Tomatoes						X
Tuna						X
Vinegar						X
Vinegar-containing foods						X
Walnuts						X
Watermelon	X	X		X
Wheat		X				X
Yogurt			X			X

FODMAP Intolerance-- an IBS culprit

2018-05-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

"Let food be thy medicine, thy medicine shall be thy food." - Hippocrates

People who have struggled with digestive issues have often been labeled with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) if no other specific cause for their ongoing pain and discomfort was found after a variety of tests. A research group at Monash University began studying the possible digestive issues that trigger IBS in some people. They found that small chain carbohydrates, which pass through the digestive tract of the average person without complication, are not properly absorbed by the digestive tract of people with IBS. This leads to the fermenting in the gut, needing a lot of the body's water to eliminate, and creating gas and other digestive issues. This malabsorption leads to IBS with a number of symptoms, and secondary reactions, such as:

Overgrowth of bacteria
Excessive gas buildup
Chronic fatigue
Headaches
Bloating
Bowel distention
Memory problems
Sleep disturbances
Muscle & joint pain
Diarrhea
Constipation
The primary culprits of FODMAPs (Fermentable Oligosaccharides, Disaccharides, Monosaccharides, And Polyols) are:

Fructose, a very simple sugar (monosaccharide) found in most fruits and vegetables that digests alright in the presence of other sugars like glucose, but when is in excess, is not absorbed correctly.
Oligosaccharides, both fructans and galacto-oligosaccharides are longer chain carbs that the human body can not break down. Some people are much more sensitive to these than others, leading to greater digestive symptoms.
Lactose, a small disaccharide from dairy products, rely on an enzyme in the intestines to be broken down. Some people lack this enzyme resulting in malabsorption.
Polyols, often found in artificial sweeteners as well as some fruits and vegetables, are not well absorbed in the gut, leading to the issues above.

Histamine Intolerance

2018-05-15T00:00:00.000-04:00

Two possible causes of the problem with digestion and food intolerances are Histamine Sensitivity and FODMAP Sensitivity. While there are many other possibilities, following the eating plans of one of these can often help alleviate many of the symptoms.

Histamine Sensitivity or Histamine Intolerance is basically your body's hyper response to histamine. You may think of allergy season and benadryl when you hear histamine, but the chemical histamine that your body produces acts on the immune system, the central nervous system, and your digestive system. A histamine reaction in your body's natural quick response to perceived cellular danger, immediately causing inflammation, swelling of the blood vessels, and increased white blood cell production and mobility. When an invader or toxin enters your body, you need that quick histamine response to protect you from harm.

However when your body can not or does not break down histamine quickly, you can get a buildup of this chemical in your blood and tissues, causing symptoms such as:

Headaches
Restless sleep patterns
High blood pressure
Fast heart rate
Anxiety
Dizziness
Fatigue
Skin flushing
Stomach pains
Stuffy nose
Hives
Feeling too hot or too cold
These spikes in Histamine levels can have a number of causes, such as:

Too little DOA (Diamine Oxidase), an enzyme that naturally breaks down histamine in your body.
Bleeding in the gut
Allergies
Bacterial Overgrowth
Fermented alcohol
Histamine producing foods (or DOA blocking foods)

Food Intolerance

2018-05-13T15:46:00.002-04:00

Okay, so much for the best laid plans....

I am still studying FODMAP and Histamine Intolerance, and how to eat to avoid them. I however have not had much success in strictly adhering to avoiding them.

For the most part I have cut onions and garlic out of my daily intake (still sometimes add onion powder and garlic powder for flavor, and have a weak moment like last night where I had onion rings!!!). I have found that Onions are a particular culprit to my bloating and pain, and overall feelings of discomfort. This saddens me because I do love onions!! But alas, I want to feel better, so avoiding onions for now. I have been reducing the amount of wheat and other fructan containing grains. And anytime I eat Pasta or something with a LOT of wheat/fructans, I have IBS symptoms, bloating, more fatigue than usual, and of course pain and brain fog. I have been avoiding citrus and strawberries as well. I am not sure if I am sensitive to them but they are easier to avoid than some other things and every little bit helps.

Every BODY is different

There are so many studies out there that flood us with information, it is difficult to pick out what information is relevant to each person's particular situation. One recurring idea though is that the way our bodies process the food we eat has an impact on everything from our ability to think, to how quickly we gain or lose weight, how well we sleep, to how much energy we have throughout the day.

However, it is not a "one size fits all" answer. Foods that give one person energy can make another feel sluggish. A great snack for weight loss for one person, makes another feel bloated. Each person's body is different as we all know, but deeper than that, each body's ability to digest, transform, and utilize food is unique as well. Aside from obvious allergic reactions (and anyone can be allergic to anything--peanuts, wheat, milk, strawberries, pineapple, tomatoes, even WATER), there are different reactions in the body that make some people unable to tolerate certain foods, or the by products of the breakdown of those foods by the gut.

These food intolerances and by product reactions can cause a person to feel unwell. Brain fog, difficulty concentrating, bloating, constant stuffy nose, cramps, fatigue, and intermittent generalized pain or weakness are all possible outcomes of eating a food or set of foods that your body does not use correctly. So it is important to figure out what works and what does not for your own body.

Foods to avoid for now

2018-01-25T18:57:00.000-05:00

I went through and charted foods to avoid for gluten free, low fodmap, histamine intolerance, common food sensitivities, NASH, and diabetes. So basically I can't eat ANYTHING!!!!

No just kidding, but it is very limited. When you finally reach the point that you are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, a true elimination diet is a good way to find out how many issues you have are food related. I am to that point. The main issues I want to get under control are brain fog, physical fatigue, my blood sugar, and the upper abdominal pain.

I have tried a number of diets, primarily for weight loss and blood sugar control. Many were effective for a time, but either I had adverse side effects or did not get meaningful results.

Atkins dropped weight quickly but made my blood sugar RISE so my doctor told me to stop (my blood glucose level is very sensitive to stress, and the doctor felt that the stress it caused on my body was too high).

17-day diet-- loved it, easy to follow, well detailed, had minimal effect on blood sugar stabilization, and not much weight loss after the first round.

Scarsdale--had great results at first, but my nutritionists did not like it.

Tried shakes--medifast, slimfast, GNC ultra something but could not make myself stick to them. Fat just was not enough reason to change.

But this fatigue and brain fog that have taken over are really really bad. While insulin and getting my blood sugar more controlled has helped with some of the fatigue but not all, the brain fog only gets better when I either do not eat (like for the colonoscopy or when I had a stomach bug) or when I am on doxycycline. I even asked my doctor to keep me on doxy because my brain is so clear but alas she will not agree.

This week my brain Is very clear...i am on doxycycline for a severe sinus infection. So I cannot say if the eating changes have helped. I have also not been as disciplined as I need to be to really eliminate all possible reactive foods.

So basically over the next 2 weeks I will be eating only--
-brown rice
-potatoes
- chicken
-fish
-zucchini
-summer squash

-winter squash
-baby lettuce
-coffee (black)
-water
-eggs
-1/2 c oatmeal
-occasional coconut oil or olive oil
-salt, pepper, basil, oregano, tarragon
-occasional pure maple syrup

If my abdominal symptoms continue I will drop to just potatoes, chicken, baby lettuce, and water.

If needed I will go to nothing for a few days and add just one food at a time to see what is kicking the problems into gear.

Body Malfunction and Diets

2018-01-14T15:11:00.001-05:00

I have been studying a variety of digestive challenges and whole body symptoms. I have been dealing with many different health issues over the past few years--
-obesity
-inability to lose weight (even on very restrictive diets)
-hard to control diabetes (like multiple oral meds and enough insulin to kill an elephant)
-recurring severe abdominal pain high on the left side
-recurring bulge high on left side
-excessive flatulence
-moderate intermittent pain on right side
-recurring nausea and vomiting
-recurring bouts of diarrhea
-almost constant fatigue, sometimes debilitating
-Incredible brain fog, the inability to stay focused or think quickly and clearly
-constant cold like symptoms that barely respond to allergy meds
-generalized body aches and intermittent weakness
-overproduction of cortisol (though just shy of diagnostic for Cushing's Syndrome)
-Overproduction of White Blood Cells without a known infection (going back over 6 years)

I had have a variety of procedures done-
-Abdominal ultrasound
-shoulders to hips Cat Scan
-endoscopy
-colonoscopy
-gastroparesis study
-numerous blood tests
-Tested for celiacs (negative)
-various medications to combat different smptoms
-various weight loss diets
-various diabetes control lifestyle changes

Things I have done in addition to doctor recommendations
-Taken a Relaxation Class
-Eating whole foods instead of processed foods
-Shifted focus to Vegetables as the main subject of meals
-Cut out late night snacks
-Continued to reduce both simple sugars and fats in my diet
-Ensure that I get 7 servings of fruits and vegetables daily
-Ensure that I am drinking 10-14 glasses of water a day
-Tried a gluten free diet (helped a little with the discomfort, but I ended up malnourished)

Diagnoses that I have been given by doctors:
-Diabetes, insulin dependent
-NAFLD-Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease (NASH-Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis)
-IBS- Irritable Bowel Syndrome
-Leukocytosis
-Meralgia paraesthetica
-Obstructive Sleep Apnea

None of this has helped very much. I have days that are better than others, but most days I still deal with a lot of abdominal discomfort, body aches (knees lacking cartilage and severe carpal tunnel in both wrists do not help). So I have been looking at various documentaries and looking up recent research on a variety of health related topics. And talked with other people including some nutrition experts, one being my sister who has a doctorate in nutrition and is a professor at the University of South Carolina.

From that exploration, I have some basic enzyme and metabolism malfunctions I am going to be reviewing on this blog, and trying out myself to see if I can find something that will bring relief from the many symptoms and diseases that have taken over my body. Many of the symptoms and diagnoses point to an autoimmune issue, but nothing concrete has come to light (it is not lupus or RA--I have been tested for both due to the fact that this looks autoimmune).

Over the next few weeks, I will be summarizing the various symptoms, dietary recommendations, and science behind:
-Histamine Intolerance
-FODMAP Intolerance
-NASH/NAFLD
-Diabetes, insulin resistance
-Celiacs
-Dietary Allergies
-Food Intolerances

I will also be detailing my own journey as I start with a major overhaul of my food intake, relaxation routine, body stretching, exercise, and mediation routine.
Beginning today, I will begin this new exploration into better health by doing a reset of my food intake. The three times I have felt best over the past few years were:
1) when I was on doxycycline for a month due to a tick bite and Lyme disease--felt clear headed and had lots of energy.
2) when I was sick with a stomach bug that cleared me out and I was afraid to eat solid food for a few days, my head felt clear and my body had more energy (after the vomiting and diarrhea stopped)
3) when I was preparing for my colonoscopy, and had to do a liquid diet and them clean out of the intestines via laxatives, my mind felt clear and my body had energy.

So beginning now, I am going to be doing a liquid diet (clear liquids--water, clear juices, tea, broth, sports drinks, etc...). Then tonight I will do one bottle of magnesium citrate to help clear the colon. Tomorrow I will continue with the liquid diet and only if needed, do another liquid laxative in the afternoon. This should clear out the intestines and hopefully any of the food particles that are contributing to the feelings of brain fog, fatigue, discomfort, and aches.

Then I will slowly add the most benign foods (ones not on any of the avoid foods lists for the above conditions) into my diet, beginning with brown rice, collard greens, kale, zucchini, blue berries, raspberries, olive oil, coconut oil, chicken, turkey, salt and pepper. If no symptoms return, I will add in one item every 2 weeks, eliminating any that cause symptoms from my life. So yes, a long process but hopefully one that will root out the causes of some of the issues.

Ups and Downs and All Around

2017-04-29T19:16:00.001-04:00

So, first off, my son was in the hospital for nearly a month, and had a rough couple of months leading up to that hospitalization, and we are now home less than a week and just trying to find our footing again. Everything in the fridge had gone bad because I have spent maybe 5 nights at home over his hospitalization (2 hospitals, one local then transferred to one 180 miles away). The dog and indoor rabbit forgot how to behave, and how to do their business in the spots (like not on my bedroom floor!!!).

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about health, wealth (stupid insurance makes a difficult situation ridiculous--I think that hospitals focus more on the insurance company than on the patients) how i spend the time given to me, and so forth. In March I had switched my website over to http://life-in-transformation.com the intention being to combine my former website with its inspirational links and articles and the focus of my transformation blog posts into one place with various links to others web sites, blogs, articles and products that may be of interest. Then this blog would change back to its original name and focus on losing weight, gaining health, and getting diabetes, and other health challenges, under control.

Over the next few weeks, that transition will be taking place, and this blog will return to its original focus. And both this blog and that website will be updated on a regular basis. I look forward to sharing with you the many things that I have learned and continue to learn, both about gaining better health, and about transformation.

Updated my other blog

2016-12-09T23:33:00.000-05:00

I know I have not updated on this blog, and I will soon, but I have updated my new blog today. The followup post to the first post last week, just in case anyone is interested.
http://lifebeginsanewtoday.blogspot.com/

Started a new blog

2016-12-04T00:47:00.001-05:00

I began a new blog:

http://lifebeginsanewtoday.blogspot.com/

with a similar focus on change, but wanted to start fresh (don't we all). I will continue this Life in Transformation blog as I get back into my weight transformation and my other life transformations, which has taken a back seat to so many other things, and hope to soon get back to posting on a regular basis, both here and on my new blog.

Please visit me there while I get back into blogging, and don't forget to keep an eye out for more posts here as well!

Starting Over...again...

2016-02-21T16:53:00.000-05:00

I have met people in the past whose lives seem to follow a linear progression, at least on the outside. They had a reasonably stable home life growing up, with a middle class income, meaning their needs were always met, they had decent vehicles that they could afford to keep in good working order, and they sometimes got to do or have some the fun things that they wanted as a family. They finished high school, went to college with only a small amount of student loans when coming out, got a job in their chosen field, met a people to share their life with who was a pretty good match, bought a house, raised a family in a reasonably stable home life, with a reasonably stable career. Actually, no I don't think I actually know anyone who has lived that...

Somewhere there is always a hiccup, a stuck point on a repeat cycle, or just those fantastic times when life changes your perspective so you change your life....

Since beginning this blog many years ago, I have realized some of my :stuck points that are on repeat. Anyone who has followed my blog for a long times probably is saying"it took you this long to see them?!?!" Well, no (and yes, but no), many of them I have been aware of for a long time. And one of my limiting beliefs is that I do not have enough time to "fix" them, the other thing that keeps me stuck is I keep trying to "fix" them.

So, instead of focusing on fixing "them" (as I picked up a huge number of prescriptions from the pharmacy today), I am going to stop focusing on "them". Stop focusing on the problems, and truly start focusing on what I want , which is to feel GOOD. So for my Health:

Instead of focusing on being overweight, having diabetes, blood pressure issues, headaches, feeling hungry all the time (with diabetes, you brain is screaming for food because it is starving because the sugar in your blood can not enter the cells in your body and brain, so your brain is sending hunger signals all the time because it literally is not getting any nourishment, which is one of the reason many people with diabetes are overweight and why it is so hard to lose weight, the body chemistry is screwed up) and all of the other challenging things that my body seems to be doing. I am going to focus on what helps me feel better.

1) What can I DO that gives me more energy? Taking a 5 minute walk; Getting the right amount of sleep; Taking my medications on schedule; Eating well planned meals and snacks; drinking enough water; etc...

2) What can I do that makes me feel less hungry? Eating on a schedule; Eating fiber filled food like fruits, vegetables, chia seeds, whole grains; Drinking a mix of water with 2TBS Apple Cider Vinegar and 1 TBS Honey, sipping it throughout the day (amazing how much it helps control hunger signals); balancing protein with carbs for everything I eat; soup or broth as or with meal and snacks

3) What reduces my pain levels? Walking and or stretching for 5 minutes; having my feet raised when sitting; changing position (sit to stand to walk to laying) frequently; reaching my arms over my head periodically;

4) What clears my head? Reducing time spent in front of a screen (15 minutes on, 15 minutes off doing dished, dusting, organizing, playing with the dog, playing with the kids); focusing on positive ideas or finding the positive aspects of situations; stepping outside to just breathe for a few minutes;

After a long hiatus...

2016-02-06T16:45:00.001-05:00

Well, it has been a long time since I have blogged!

UPdate on personal life stuff that I have previously mentioned on this blog:

J is doing well following his surgery a year and a half ago. He was in the spica cast for 6 weeks, then confined to his wheelchair for six months. Finally in late Spring 2015, he was able to start putting weight on his legs again. Bu summer he was running with his walker again. His balance has improved considerably. He can actually stand for over 2 minutes (prior to surgery his record was 18 seconds). His legs are straight for the first time in his life, and his toes point outwards. So it is an amazing improvement. The surgery has increased his standing and walking, however it has created some small problems. He now can not bend his knees all the way, he has lost the ability to crawl and to be independent if he is on the floor. So getting from the floor to stand is a much harder and longer process. If he falls, he often needs help getting back up, which he did not before. And while his ability to stand and walk is much better, his independent mobility (due to lack of ability to move easily while not standing) has lessened. But he is no longer in danger of his hip popping out of joint, and his feet both face forward instead of the left foot pointing behind the right heel when he walked. He also is working on using arm crutches which will open up more places to him than using a walker. He still can not do long distances, so he uses his power wheelchair for things like going for a walk in the neighborhood, going to fairs or zoos, and going to anything that requires a lot of walking. My hope is that by the end of the year, with his improved balance, he may be able to retire the walker and be walking exclusively with the arm crutches. Also arm crutches will be easier to attach to his wheelchair than trying to bring two large pieces of equipment like the walker.

Married life has had a lot of ups and downs. My spouse is battling alcohol addiction which got very bad during the first year after we got married. We are now separated temporarily while my spouse goes through the needed help of rehab. Already finished 2 inpatient stays with some hard times in between, and now going through an intensive outpatient program. It is helping greatly, and just has been taking time to get focused fully on recovery. It is not an easy step for a person to jump from full blown addiction to recovery, but she is now committed to walking the path, and after some sober time and time of self-discovery, we will work with a counselor to heal the wounds that addiction and addictive behavior did to our relationship.

Other things that have happened since my last post 16 months ago, I took a full time job working as a teaching assistant at the same school that my son attends. I work in the preschool building, while J is in the school age building, so we rarely cross paths. I greatly enjoy the work--helping children with special needs has grown into a large passion of mine over the past 10 years. I work in a room where the kids primarily have social/emotional/behavioral challenges that are severe enough to restrict them from being in a regular preschool or even a head start or integrated preschool. So while I deal with many aggressive and disruptive behaviors all day, I love working with the kids. They have so much to offer, and helping them learn how to calm themselves and increasing their impulse control so that they can shine is very rewarding. While some will go on to integrated kindergartens, most will still need more support as they reach school age. So everything we can do to help them at this age can set the stage for them to start their school careers off better.

Alos, during the holiday season the boys and I moved much closer to work. While it was a hard decision, the 60 mile commute (one way, so 120 miles a day!) combined with the roof (horrible leaks that were destroying the ceiling too) and plumbing problems at the house that I could not afford to fix really pushed me to make the move. I still have the house, after all we put so much time, effort and money into the house that I am trying to figure out what to do with it now. Hoping to be able to afford repairs and rent it out The place we moved into is a rental, a duplex. We live in the smaller side, but it is still 3 bedrooms. It is 2 floors, so thankfully, J's new balance allows him to climb stairs, and it is helping to strengthen his legs a lot. The bedrooms and bathroom are upstairs and the living room, dining room and kitchen are downstairs. It is not handicap accessible, though we are trying to get a ramp up the outside steps as there is no railing on the outside steps. It is not ideal, but the benefits to living here outweigh the difficulties. The distance to work saves us all both a lot of time and a lot of money. School is much closer for both of the kids, as neither of them could go to the school in our own community because it was very rural and sis not have the special education programs that the boys needed, so J used to go 60 miles each way to school and G went 25 miles to school each way. Now J and I are only 7 miles from work and school, and G's school is less than 2 miles from the house. We are closer to everything (the nearest grocery store to our old house was 40 miles away and the nearest discount store even further, now they are right in the same town. Doctors, pharmacies, everything is much closer here. Also the neighbors who rent the other side are great. She is my coworker at the school and had told me about this opening up, so it is nice to have a friend right next door. Her husband has helped with getting J off the bus as I work later than the school lets out, and they have been all around helpful and enjoyable neighbors. We are also only 20 miles from my ex, so the kids have a 25-30 minute ride to get there and not and hour and a half.

Many more things happened this year--massive fire that destroyed my father's home (the home I grew up in), someone I love dearly who attempted suicide 4 times in 6 months, proms, graduations, new jobs, and many other things going on in the family, my best friend's wedding, many camping trips, seeing old friends that I have not seen in a long time, so many things that life brings to each of us---many blessings, many challenges to help us grow, and way too much to blog about. Welcome back to my life of transformation.

Following J's surgery

2014-11-10T09:52:00.001-05:00

J's surgery went well.

He had a little trouble with slow wake up after the anesthesia and vomiting from the anesthesia. But overall the surgery went well, the bone in his leg has been cut and re-positioned with a plate and screws, the hamstrings and hip abductors on both legs were cut and lengthened.

He is now dealing with his cast (from armpits to toes) by playing with various electronics, such as the new DS handheld game that his aunt got for him, the wii, the computer (I cannibalized two old, ailing laptops to make one working one for him). Goign to the bathroom is difficult for him, we use a handheld urinal for urine, and the hospital sent us home with a bedside commode for him to use. He is uncomfortable, but here we are 12 days since surgery and he has not had heavy duty pain meds for 3 days, and only ibuprofen at night as that is when his discomfort is highest. The itchy skin as started, and he has a small rash on the bum where the cast edge is (they leave the privates area open so that he be toileted).

Overall, though he is doing well and just waiting for the special reclining wheelchair that he needs in order to return to school (thankfully he goes to a special school and they can handle his needs while in the cast). They said it would take a week, but alas, it is taking longer than expected to arrive. he will be happy to return to his friends and get out of the house!

Even if the wheelchair were here, we would not be able to take him out as the handicap accessible van that we were blessed with (and the blessing of all the donations that helped fund the repairs for the van) had a major problem on the way to the surgery. The transmission died!! So, we have it in a shop thanks to two friends who came out to Syracuse with a car trailer and they took it up to a friend of their who is a transmission specialist. To replace it with a new transmission would be about $2500. To find and replace with a used transmission would be around $1100. And to rebuild the transmission is a steal at about $600. So they are in the process of rebuilding the transmission. And we are trying to come up with the funds for that. Over all though, the van is a great gift in that buying a used one would have been over $15,000. And so far we have put only about $1500 into the van, so another $600 to rebuild the transmission so we can have a way to transport Josiah and his chair (both the rented reclining one while in the cast and his motorized one after the cast comes off) is really a good deal. If you would like to donate to the repair the van fund, please feel free to check out the story of the van here.

Surgery and six weeks in a SPICA cast (armpits to ankles)...

2014-10-28T10:19:00.002-04:00

So, blogging has not been high on my priority list lately, as there has been so much going on. My big focus lately is on my now 8 year old son, J. He is going in for surgery in two days to manage some damage to his legs from his cerebral palsy. His femur has twisted due to the tension in his legs and it has caused the femur (bone int he the thigh) and his tibia (shin bone) to grow twisted. his left foot now faces his right foot. This is putting a lot of pressure on his hip and it is in danger of dislocating and destroying the hip joint. So they are going to have to cut the femur, turn it, re-angle it into the hip socket, and then put it back together with plates and screws to hold it in its new position.

They also will be cutting his hamstrings and hip abductors as well as a third set of tendons on both legs to lengthen the tendons and hopefully relieve pressure on both hips. The right leg is not as bed so they are just doing the tendons and not the bone work, and on the left leg they are going to leave the tibia for now, as they believe he will need extensive surgery on the foot at a later date, and want to see how this surgery corrects some of the issues before they make decisions a bout what to do with the lower part of the leg and the foot. The primary reason for the surgery is to save the hip and prevent traumatic dislocation. The hopeful additional benefit will be that he will have more control over his legs with the added flexibility, and that he will be able to walk better.

The cutting of the hamstrings will allow him to actually stretch out his legs at the knee (something he has not done in years), and maybe even stand up straight by dealing with the tendons both the hamstrings and the tendons at the hips. The tension in the tendons has caused him to become more and more bent at the hips and legs, so it will be a new experience for him to walk upright (he walks with a walker now but always on his tip toes with knees and hips bent). If he can straighten his legs, he may be able to walk on his feet, and this have better balance and more ability towards independent mobility. He will still need his wheelchair for any distance walking as it is the combination of his physical challenges and his lung/respiratory issues that make him unable to walk long distances like going shopping, going to the zoo, fair, or amusement park, or for walks more than 1/2 a mile.

The surgery is always a risk, as he does have medical challenges with his lungs, and the surgery will have under anesthesia for a few hours, so my first concern is the life and death risk of anesthesia. But we have put off the surgery for as long as we possibly dare to, as he is in pain often due to the pressure on his hips...his legs and back hurt often, and he is danger of dislocation, which would be so much more complicated and difficult and may destroy his ability to walk completely depending on how much damage is caused by it). So we are here, at the edge of surgery, and with a long recovery for him. He will be in a full Spica cast (often called a body cast) from armpits to ankles for 6-8 weeks.

We have been rearranging the house, getting his video games and books and toys ready, modifying our schedules and so on in preparation for his next few weeks. Once the pain subsides and the need for pain meds is no longer (the doctor says should only be the first week), then he will be stuck in this cast and unable to do things. Hopefully he will develop a greater appreciation for the abilities he DOES have now, as he gets so angry and frustrated that he can not run and move like other kids (Josiah is triplegic--or a combination of left hemiplegia and para paraplegia--so his left side is affected, and his lower body (both legs and core muscles)). So even with his walker, he struggles, and he can not hold on to things like most kids, and he is so acutely aware of his challenges. So he has become a perfectionist which gets int eh way even more, as he melts down when he can not be the best or do things exactly perfect. Even if he is winning in a game, if he misses a score he gets so angry at himself. I am not sure where all this comes from, though the neuropsychologist believes some of it stems from his brain damage, as many people with brain damage feel out of control of their lives and so try to be prefect, but with damage to the frontal lobe, have less control over their emotions. So it creates big issues in emotional challenges and behavioral outbursts.

In some ways I am hoping that being so drastically restricted in motion by this cast, that it will help him lay new brain pathways that help him be more comfortable with himself and his abilities. He is such a talented and amazing kid with so much to offer both himself and the world around him, I am hoping he can learn to shift his focus from this obsession with what he can not do, to a focus on what he CAN do. So who knows, maybe this surgery will have some added benefits that are more indirect than the reasons for the surgery itself.

I am still very nervous about it, so we could use some prayers and good vibes and energy being sent his way--focusing on a successful surgery with no complications, clear, strong breathing coming out of anesthesia and his body's ability to handle the anesthesia and the stress on his body, minimal pain and good pain medications for him, speedy healing and maximum benefit--both physically and mentally, and patience during the long recovery in the cast. I will try to post again a few times throughout his recovery, as I will be having to start working from home again as I do need an income during this time period, but he needs me to be here with him and available, so back to trying to find assignment based articles again, and getting back to writing my book and hopefully self-publishing by the end of the year.

Wedding day, Ice Cream Shop, and Family visits...oh my!!

2014-07-07T16:19:00.002-04:00

SO the past couple of months have been crazy with multiple trips to specialists for the boys, some over 3 hours away, planning and having our wedding day June 29th--yes, I am a legally married woman now!

AND my mother and step-father opened an ice cream shop in my front yard on July 3rd---so wow, it has been crazy busy on about a million different fronts.

I am working 40 hours a week at the ice cream shop...talk about working from home right, my commute is about 50 feet from my front door (and we put a privacy fence between the parking lot and house so that people are not peeking in the windows or stepping on the flowers, or freaking out the dogs, or getting in the way of the kids....). So I have a job for the summer. Still working out the kinks with childcare as my SPOUSE is watching them on days off, but begins the summer season at the BBQ this weekend. I have a couple of people lined up, but think I might be relying in my Dad more than I planned to mind the boys. At least Josiah is in summer school for the next 6 weeks, and Gonzo can hang out with me or even in the house by himself...he is 11 after all, so it is mainly afternoon, evenings, and weekends I have to figure out a couple days a week.

We also had a visit from my new sister-in-law and her fiance who live in Florida last week, and my sister and her husband and kids who live in South Carolina are here this week. So a lot of visiting and talking and having family dinners with extended family...a great time, but exhausting as part of the larger way too busy picture!!

Now that life is settling in to a new normal after all of the changes of the past few months, I can start focusing again on my health transformation (so many other transforming events have been taking place, it really has taken the back burner). I will get back to posting more often hopefully, but wanted to do a quick update for my readers to let you know I did NOT disappear off the face of the earth, just going through some very time and energy consuming transformations in various parts of my life.

Blessings to one and all!

300 lbs and showing sings of malnutrition?!?!

2014-05-09T11:48:00.000-04:00

SO...had a doctors appointment today....for those who think that health is an easy, linear, straightforward kind of topic...you are CRAZY!!! Nothing seems to make sense...

I have been following my doctors recommendation on prescription drugs, insulin (both slow acting and fast acting--so 5 needle sticks a day to administer, plus 5 finger pricks to monitor), sticking to a healthy diet with very little cheating, even reducing gluten amounts and cutting out refined sugars, and slowly adding in more physical activity.

So my blood works shows that:
My fasting blood sugar is below 150 on a regular basis (amazing considering it was nearly impossible to get it below 250 for the past couple of years)
My A1C is down to 7.4 WHOOHOO--almost normal for the first time in nearly 5 years!!
My kidney functions have returned well into normal
My liver function enzymes are well into normal ranges, not even close to high!
Also my blood pressure and vitals all are fine....

And my albumin levels are showing signs of malnutrition, not getting enough nutrients....AND my weight went UP by over 10 pounds instead of down....

So that is just so crazy--why is my weight going up and my nutrient absorption going down?
Why, when everything else (blood sugar levels, kidney, liver, blood pressure, etc...) all are going in
the right direction, somehow both my physical weight and my nutrient absorption are going the wrong directions!?!?!

Maybe it is a body mind thing..I have been struggling greatly with severe depression (worse than I have had in over a decade), and so I did talk to my doctor about that as none of the coping techniques that I learned and that have WORKED over the past decade seem to be touching the slow downward spiral that I have been dealing with for the past few months. So I am going off one of my medications as it reacts with ALL of the class of anti-depressants that work for me (15 years ago I felt like a guinea pig as we tried a myriad of different psychotropic drugs to balance my brain chemicals and only one class of anti-depressants worked--SSNRI. Of course the insurance does not WANT to cover them. And the one I was on previously interacts very badly with another drug I am on. So we are trying to get coverage for a newer drug in that class that hopefully will work, but it is jump through hoops for the insurance time to get it covered, because they would rather cover something that does NOT work than pay for the more expensive drug that DOES work.

Hopefully with my depressive and anxiety levels back under control, and doc says stop the gluten reducing, maybe my weight will start going down and my nutrient absorption will start going up. Stress releases all sorts of chemicals that interfere with the way the body works, which may be why the weird results when everything else is raveling in the right direction.

It is never as straightforward as you would think it should be....sometimes you can be doing almost everything "right" and things still do not work well....and weight loss while on insulin is difficult at best and near impossible at worst.

Sugar Addiction!

2014-04-23T09:59:00.001-04:00

I have been very busy and have not had much time to write, on the blog or otherwise.

I wanted to share an article with you all that I saw via Food Inc post on Facebook. It is something that I have heard before, but it was interesting to see how the brain scans of people who struggle with obesity may be linked to an addiction to refined sugar, which can be STRONGER than an addiction to cocaine. Refined sugar, extracted from its natural source and concentrated to by JUST sugar--such as sugar (also called beet sugar, brown sugar, cane sugar, confectioners sugar, invert sugar, powdered sugar, raw sugar, saccherose, table sugar and turbinado), high fructose corn syrup,

Natural sugar occurring in foods like fresh fruits and vegetables which are processed differently by the body due to the other compounds found in whole foods.

As my dear fiance has agreed to attempt 4 weeks of no alcohol to break the long standing habit of having a alcoholic drinks after work every night so that a more balanced approach to enjoying alcohol in a healthier way, I will be focusing on eliminating the last of the refined sugars that are still part of my food intake. Over the past few years I have greatly reduced the amount and frequency of sugar consumption, primarily through cutting down on processed foods, eating more whole foods, watching my carb intake (primary due to my diabetes), and indulging in sweets only occasionally (like the occasional cookie or cadbury egg or other candy). Lately I have been taking in too much of the candy stuff, and need to reset my focus.

This article has helped me remember why it is so important to not be an unconscious eater....as when we eat or drink or put anything into our body without really thinking about it, we may be forming an addiction to those things, altering our own brain chemistry, and reducing the amount of pleasure and peace we get from life because of those alterations. Peace is not just a state of mind separate from the body, it is a specific set of chemicals and dominate thought patterns that provide a sense of calm and peace. It is very difficult to achieve artificially, as each of us is an individual--physically and spiritually. While psychological and spiritual practices such as meditation, prayer, looking on the positive side of things, letting go of attachments and expectations, and developing a healthy spiritual life and positive attitude all contribute greatly to creating the right physical balance to be at peace, there are many physical things that influence how much pleasure and peace we find in life. Amount and quality of sleep is a big one. How much you move your body (exercise, activity, physical work) also influence what hormones and chemicals are active in your body and brain. And what you eat and drink have a direct and intense impact on what chemicals and hormones course through your body and brain. Given that feelings like calm, peace, happiness, pleasure, and excitement (just like anger, fear, sadness, anxiety) all rely on your body releasing a specific set of neurochemicals, and that many of those neurochemcials have receptors and competent receptors in the gut, what you eat and drink has a direct and almost immediate impact on mood and emotions. Like the article states though, when it comes to addiction--be it to cocaine, nicotine, alcohol, or refined sugar...the anticipation of the pleasure creates a chemical rush, the receiving of the substance gives what it gives, and after the substance is out of the system, the brain is LESS sensitive to those chemical that influence pleasure and joy.

SO hopefully taking a month off from all refined sugars, will help reset the brains sensitivity to the pleasure center, and IF (not when, IF) i decide to include any more refined sugars in my dietary intake, it will be in very small amounts and very low frequency.

So that is what I am thinking about and doing these days....off to clean a camp for some summer residents...good old spring cleaning...hope to do my own house soon while between seasons....

Working, activities, and all sorts of life=no time to blog

2014-02-24T16:10:00.001-05:00

I started working at a large ski center a few weeks ago. A temporary position at minimum wage doing kitchen help and serving customers at the food court there. Not my dream job, but a job. Freelance writing has slowed down with a LOT of competition for the higher priced articles, and the nursery school requires children whose parents can pay even the modest little $35 a week I charged for 5 days. but alas, winter around here is very low income, as most jobs are seasonal and depend on the summer resorts, camp grounds, and activities. So I needed to get some extra income rolling in, even at a low wage. And it is fun baking, serving soup, and doing whatever needs to be done, and having coworkers again is really nice, having been so isolated working from home and taking care of the kids these past few years.

I have a number of applications in for jobs in my original career field and hope that one or two will pan out. I have expanded my search up to 300 miles from here, with the intent, obviously, to relocate if the job is more than a 60 miles away.I do have an interview via phone on Friday with a company 60 miles away, so if I end up making it to the job offer, I know I could commute for a while until I really had enough to move into a good house and such, which is ideal. Preferably one that I can bring my chickens with me. So it may mean saving up after I get debts/bills caught up, and trying to find a place to give me a house loan. finding a handicap accessible place that allows dogs AND chickens is a bit of a high hope, but nothing is impossible. And who knows when a career oriented job will pan out SOON.

Between work, winter festivals, the kids visiting with their other parent, arranging child care now that I am working and they were off school for a week, doctor appointments, roof leaks, ceiling damage, rearranging rooms, running out of propane (!) yikes...it has been really busy, and cold, and wet.... So I have not had time to blog or food track. My blood sugar levels have been good though, so all of this activity is good for me.

I am grateful for a job that is fun
I am thankful for income to help me keep up with my expenses and bills
I am grateful for a roof over my head, holes and all
I am grateful for electric space heaters and grill propane tanks that help us have heat and hot water even when the big tanks are empty and the furnace out of commission because of it
I am thankful that there are jobs I can apply to and thankful for the hope of a better tomorrow
I am thankful that Josiah's motorized wheelchair will be here this week
I am thankful that I currently have a home that can accommodate him and his wheelchair
I am grateful for the school's ability to transport my children to their programs
I am grateful that they are old enough to be able to handle having a babysitter
I am grateful that I have a support network that understands my kids and thier issues (the behavioral ones being the most difficult), that I am able to work even when there is an unexpected snow day or my planned sitter calls in at the last minute
I am grateful that my kids handled it well, well enough to ease my nerves about gong back to work full time
I am thankful for a healthy puppy and an old dog whose health has gotten back to normal after a scare a couple of weeks ago that we were going to lose her
I am thankful that i was able to buy fresh fruits and veggies fro the family yesterday, and the kids enjoyed grapes and strawberries with their breakfast and bananas for snack when they got home from school.
I am thankful that I know that life is good, even when circumstances are challenging, life is still good, very, very good!

Stay on the road....Reasons for Food Tracking

2014-01-30T08:07:00.000-05:00

I know the food tracking posts are kind of boring, but keeping a daily journal of exactly what you are eating is very helpful in really understanding two things...

First, it helps you really be conscious of what you are putting into your body...the little cookie here or the extra helping of pasta there, or the impulse buy of a Cadbury Cream Egg....those little things that we often do not really think about are then brought to the forefront. It also helps us understand when we are not making the best food choices, and gives us the chance to evaluate WHY we are eating what we eat at the times that we are eating them. Being conscious of what you are eating is half the battle, as life tends to be so hectic and so many different things are pulling our attention, that many of us are just not aware of what we are snacking on, especially those of us who are emotional eaters and use food to temporarily soothe stress, anger, frustration, depression, fear, or whatever else may arise.

Secondly, food tracking gives us a starting point to build a better eating plan that really reflects both your individual likes and your individual need for food at times that may not fit the norm. Do you avoid breakfast but eat a big nighttime snack? Changing THAT habit while changing WHAT you eat may set you up for more struggle than you bargain for. So you can see your patterns and make small changes in WHAT you eat WHEN, like ensuring a small volume but heartier breakfast (a complete instant breakfast shake, or one egg with one slice of toast, or yogurt with oatmeal and fruit) and a big but lighter late night snack (2 -3 cups of air popped popcorn (spray with a butter spray and sprinkle on some adobo or other flavorful spice blend) and an apple). That way you are getting something good in the morning to stimulate your metabolism and start to change the habit (heck even a slice of toast with peanut butter is better than nothing---just always make sure you have both carbs AND protein). AND your habit of a full stomach at night does not have to disappear, it can just change into a lower calorie snack than say a piece of cake or an ice cream sundae.

It is not easy to change...and changing both eating pattern habits AND what you eat at the same time can make it harder. Baby steps. You are not going to safely lose 80 pounds in 80 days, and if you do, the chances of keeping it off and having made true lasting changes are less likely. It also is not going to help if you get super frustrated a week into changing your eating habits and throw the whole idea away. A big part of the reason I share what I eat in my food tracking is because a lot of people out there are a lot like me....over 100 pounds overweight, dealing with more issues than just over eating, you don't get this heavy without underlying issues--both physical and mental/emotional. Eating is like a drug used to self medicate an over-stressed life. There may be an underlying challenge of neuro-chemicals being off causing clinical depression or clinical anxiety or both. There may be underlying metabolic issues with genetic causes that are made worse by lifestyle and eating habits, like metabolic syndrome, diabetes, or digestive issues. There may be so much going on in life that taking care of yourself has just been pushed to the back burner for so long and getting back to caring for your health and your body is a hard habit to get into.

So I share my story, which is a success story, and in the end will be an amazing success story, because I don't document just my successes, I am documenting all of the fits and starts, the backsliding, the two steps forward, two steps back dance. I document it because there are those out there who are where I was a few years ago, feeling like they want to start, but feeling like they will fail. They need to know that it is okay to make a slow start. It is okay to keep making the same goal and NEVER giving up even if you are not making visible progress. Some people change their mind and it changes their life within a few months. My mind must be complex because I change my mind and set out to change my life and I have to do it many times in many layers, but the whole time is actually progress, because at each set back, I learn something new about myself, I gain a deeper understanding of who I am and why I do what I do, and I am able to set better goals for myself. I am more accepting of myself NOW than I was 3 years ago when I started this blog. I have needed the longer process because until you can accept yourself, no matter how many changes you make, you will never be happy with who you are. NOW I am in a position where I want to get HEALTHY--not thin, not beautiful, not something external...I value WHO I am, and from this position now, I am committing, one day at a time, to making better choices.

Sure, some days I will eat less healthy, and some days I will be the poster child of the healthy eating. And i am okay with both, because every day is a new day, and every choice is a conscious choice, which gives a totally amazing experience of life. So yeah, some days I am going to eat a Cadbury Egg, and I am going to savor it, and I am going to do it fully aware of what I am doing and why I am doing it. And some days I am going to eat a big helping of Kale with a nice piece of fish, and I am going to savor it and enjoy it, being fully aware of what I am doing. I might even do the two on the same day. And i know that I have the CHOICE. It is a CHOICE, not an impulse, not a diet, not a habit, not a restriction, not a cheat....I make my choices, I take responsibility for them, I live with them, and I am more aware of who I am....NOW, from this knowing, I can make any changes I choose to, the changes that transform my life and the lives of those around me, for no-one is an island, everything we do, affects those around us. So I keep going, keep transforming, fast sometimes, slow sometimes, like punctuated equilibrium, it is an evolution where things remain apparently the same fora long time and then suddenly a whole bunch of changes happen at once. Those period of quiet continuance are a time of a lot going on behind the scenes, things we can not see or are not aware of. And when everything is lined up, and the right catalyst or stressor or change occurs, it sets off a cascade right down the line. SO change seems to happen quickly, transformation seems easy and fast. I am here to tell all of my readers, transformation happens, and it is those times of lining everything up--mentally, spiritually, physically, energetically--those are the times that are vital to transformation, those are the building blocks that are paving the road for transformation. True transformation needs those times or gaining focus and awareness. It is a time of awakening. Do not be discouraged if you are backsliding, or not moving forward or moving forward more slowly than you want to be. It is all part of the process, just stay on the road and you will get there, sometimes the road is windy with potholes and unexpected road work and dead ends requiring you to back track and take a different route, and sometimes it is like a highway through Illinois with a 75 mile an hour speed. Just keep going, as long as you keep going, you will get there.

And here are my last 2 days of food tracking, with its ups and downs:
Tuesday January 28

Breakfast

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Egg, fresh, whole, raw, 2 large ⊗

144

American Cheese, 2 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

158

Bar S Premium Deli Ham 97% Fat Free (1 Serving / 1 Slice / 32 grams), 32 gram(s) ⊗

Hard Rolls (includes kaiser), 1 roll (3-1/2" dia) ⊗

167

BREAKFAST TOTALS:

509

BREAKFAST GOALS:

315 - 403

39 - 50

11 - 13

16 - 20

Lunch

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Collards, frozen, chopped, cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 1 cup, chopped ⊗

Beans, black, 0.75 cup ⊗

170

Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped ⊗

American Cheese, 1 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

LUNCH TOTALS:

314

LUNCH GOALS:

315 - 403

39 - 50

11 - 13

16 - 20

Dinner

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Collards, frozen, chopped, cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 0.75 cup, chopped ⊗

Potato, raw, 1 medium (2-1/4" to 3-1/4" dia.) ⊗

147

Extra Virgin Olive Oil, 2 tbsp ⊗

240

Beans, black, 0.5 cup ⊗

114

Onions, raw, 1 tbsp chopped ⊗

DINNER TOTALS:

550

DINNER GOALS:

315 - 403

39 - 50

11 - 13

16 - 20

Snack

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Croissant, 1 croissant, small ⊗

171

Great Value Pork Sausage Patty, 1 patty, 0.5 serving ⊗

100

American Cheese, 1 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

Eggs - Scrambled - 1 Large Egg, 1 serving ⊗

SNACK TOTALS:

419

SNACK GOALS:

158 - 201

20 - 25

5 - 7

8 - 10

Snack 2

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Cadbury Creme Egg, 1 serving ⊗

150

Nonni's Gingerbread Macadamia Biscotti - 1 biscotti, 1 serving ⊗

150

SNACK 2 TOTALS:

300

SNACK 2 GOALS:

158 - 201

20 - 25

5 - 7

8 - 10

Show Meal Plans Add an extra meal category Change diet settings	CALORIES	CARBS	FAT	PROTEIN
Totals:	2,092	211	103	88
Your Daily Goal:	1,260 - 1,610	158 - 201	42 - 54	63 - 81
Remaining Today:	0	0	0	0

Water Tracker

and Wednesday January 29

Breakfast

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Egg, fresh, whole, raw, 2 large ⊗

144

American Cheese, 2 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

158

Half and Half Cream, 1 tbsp ⊗

Regular Coffee, brewed from grounds, 10 fl oz ⊗

Hard Rolls (includes kaiser), 1 roll (3-1/2" dia) ⊗

167

Bar S Premium Deli Ham 97% Fat Free (1 Serving / 1 Slice / 32 grams), 32 gram(s) ⊗

BREAKFAST TOTALS:

531

BREAKFAST GOALS:

368 - 455

46 - 57

12 - 15

18 - 23

Lunch

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Coconut Oil, 0.5 tbsp ⊗

Spinach, frozen, 2 cup ⊗

106

Chicken Breast (cooked), no skin, roasted, 4 ounces ⊗

137

Quaker Instant Oatmeal, prepared with water, 1 Packet ⊗

100

California Blend Vegetable (Broccoli, Cauliflower & Carrots), 80 gram(s) ⊗

LUNCH TOTALS:

427

LUNCH GOALS:

368 - 455

46 - 57

12 - 15

18 - 23

Dinner

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Beans, Green Cut Frozen (Great Value) 2/3 cup, 1 serving ⊗

Brown Rice, long grain, 0.5 cup ⊗

108

Chicken Breast (cooked), no skin, roasted, 2 ounces ⊗

Butter, salted, 1 pat (1" sq, 1/3" high) ⊗

DINNER TOTALS:

243

DINNER GOALS:

368 - 455

46 - 57

12 - 15

18 - 23

Snack

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Cottage Cheese, 2% Milkfat, 0.75 cup (not packed) ⊗

146

SNACK TOTALS:

146

SNACK GOALS:

184 - 228

23 - 28

6 - 8

9 - 11

Snack 2

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Yellow Mustard, 1 tsp or 1 packet ⊗

BAR S JUMBO JUMBO HOT DOG, 1 serving ⊗

330

SNACK 2 TOTALS:

333

SNACK 2 GOALS:

184 - 228

23 - 28

6 - 8

9 - 11

Show Meal Plans Add an extra meal category Change diet settings	CALORIES	CARBS	FAT	PROTEIN
Totals:	1,679	120	80	123
Your Daily Goal:	1,470 - 1,820	184 - 228	49 - 61	74 - 91
Remaining Today:	0 - 141	63 - 107	0	0

food tracking Monday January 27

2014-01-28T09:19:00.003-05:00

I know, it is annoying that these food tracking copy and paste posts go over into the margin. I have not figured out how to fix that. I am working on it though. It is just that I really like the layout of the Spark People daily log. It is such a great site. Too bad they don't pay for plugs to promote their site, as I have to recommend this site as a great way to keep track of both your goals and your actual food intake, exercise, glucose (if you need to monitor glucose), and a number of other things.

Breakfast

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Egg, fresh, whole, raw, 1 large ⊗

Ham, Bar S Honey Premium Deli Ham 97% Fat Free, 1 serving ⊗

Whole Wheat Tortilla, medium (45g), 1 serving ⊗

130

Butter, salted, 1 pat (1" sq, 1/3" high) ⊗

American Cheese, 1 slice (3/4 oz) ⊗

Regular Coffee, brewed from grounds, 10 fl oz ⊗

Half and Half Cream, 1 tbsp ⊗

BREAKFAST TOTALS:

384

BREAKFAST GOALS:

350 - 438

44 - 55

12 - 15

18 - 22

Lunch

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Chicken Breast (cooked), no skin, roasted, 3 ounces ⊗

103

Onions, raw, 2 tbsp chopped ⊗

Mushrooms, canned, 0.25 cup ⊗

Collards, frozen, chopped, cooked, boiled, drained, without salt, 2 cup, chopped ⊗

122

Beans, great northern, 1 cup ⊗

209

LUNCH TOTALS:

456

LUNCH GOALS:

350 - 438

44 - 55

12 - 15

18 - 22

Dinner

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Whole Wheat Spaghetti, cooked (pasta), 1 cup ⊗

174

Ground beef, lean, 2 oz ⊗

150

Butter, salted, 1 pat (1" sq, 1/3" high) ⊗

Spaghetti/Marinara Sauce (tomato sauce), 0.25 cup ⊗

Bread, italian, 1 slice, medium ⊗

DINNER TOTALS:

449

DINNER GOALS:

350 - 438

44 - 55

12 - 15

18 - 22

Snack

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Saltine Crackers (Saltines), 8 cracker ⊗

103

Cheddar or Colby Cheese, Low Fat, 2 oz ⊗

SNACK TOTALS:

201

SNACK GOALS:

175 - 219

22 - 27

6 - 7

9 - 11

Snack 2

Calories Carbs Fat Protein

Endangered Species Chocolate - Intense Dark Chocolate with Cacao Nibs 72% Cocoa, 30 gram(s) ⊗

147

SNACK 2 TOTALS:

147

SNACK 2 GOALS:

175 - 219

22 - 27

6 - 7

9 - 11

Show Meal Plans Add an extra meal category Change diet settings	CALORIES	CARBS	FAT	PROTEIN
Totals:	1,636	177	64	105
Your Daily Goal:	1,400 - 1,750	175 - 219	47 - 58	70 - 88
Remaining Today:	0 - 114	0 - 42	0	0

Water Tracker

The first day of the rest of your life....

2014-01-27T08:23:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. It is good to remember that each morning, that no matter what happened yesterday, that today is brand new, another day full of possibilities and potential. Yes, you still deal with the consequences of yesterdays choices, they have a ripple effect, like begin 150 pounds overweight. But I remember that it is an illusion to think that today has to be the same as yesterday. Knowing I want a different, stronger, healthier tomorrow, knowing that it is not only possible but probable is a good thing.

Yesterday I was an obese, depressed, frustrated mother of two challenging kids, lover of a challenging fiance, and challenged by my economic situation. TODAY I am getting stronger, healthier, happier, and more motivated by the moment. My body may not know it yet, but I am a trim and healthy person. My children may not know it yet, but they are overcoming their challenges and able to adapt and thrive regardless of their disabilities. My fiance may not know it yet, but she has a great life ahead of her, one of stability, sobriety, and accomplishment that she can be proud of. My bank account may not know it yet, but I am on the road to a debt free, financially free life, where money flows through me, not to me, so that others can also benefit from my financial freedom.

Today this blog will hit 20,000 page views. That is amazing to me that enough people have read what I have written to top 20K reads. Sure some of those are one time page views, others are repeat readers, but all in all, I am really struck by the fact that the internet allows me to ramble into the world and for others to hear it. I can share my ups and down, I can write about my insights, inspirations and frustrations. I can post pictures of a dog or my description of God. 20,000 page views...What do I want to share with the world? Hopelessness? Fear? superficial crap? Recipes? Pictures of my puppy? Joy? Gratitude? Power? A fresh perspective?

Today I will share that today is the first day of the rest of your life....it doesn't matter what you chose yesterday, it doesn't matter what happened to you yesterday, today is a new day....you can make a choice to start going in the direction you want to be tomorrow. You are on a journey. Whether the day is stormy or clear, warm or cold, alone or joined, you choose what you focus on, you choose the next step you take. It may not be exactly what you want, but take the step that takes you in the general direction of where you would like to be. That is what I want to share today. Happy 20,000 to my readers old and new. And welcome to the new day. We are all richly blessed.