My father used to sew, too – on the industrial Singer sewing machine he got from HIS father, who repaired them, oiling and tuning the machinery. When my dad was ready to part with it, I claimed it as my own, and he drove it down to me – three hours – and showed me how to tighten the leather belt, how to oil it. That machine sat in my workroom, unused once I upgraded to a shiny multi-function machine. I couldn’t part with it for years, though we finally sold it in preparation for this move. Instead of the machine, I am holding onto the memory of my father and my son, heads together, giving the machine its final tune-up before passing it along to a new home.

House hunting is hard. I feel like Goldilocks, only so far everything has been too small or too far or too new and nothing has been just right. I know it will come – the house that fits just right where we can put down roots is waiting for us, and we will find it.

And in the meantime, life goes on. We joined a gym with a shallow pool where the kids can play (and a kids play program three mornings a week so I can get at least a bit of a break from full time parenting). We have gone exploring – to the local library, retail, and off to a cute small town where we walked along the river and wandered into an antiques shop.

We aren’t settled yet, but we are close – and when the right house in the right neighborhood comes along, we will be ready to settle in and stay for a while. I just hope our “just right” comes along soon.

And now the flip side seems to be true for me – the bigger the event, the more significant the news, the less I am able to capture the moments – to hold onto them, find their significance, recount them. Current happenings in our lives are so big I cannot begin to capture them completely, and so I freeze up and don’t even begin. But without the baby steps, the mini-moments along the way, the major event looms larger and even harder to capture. And so I will begin.

—

We are on the cusp of a different sort of two week wait. In another time, on another journey, the two week wait was a pause, the great unknown. Are we or aren’t we? What if? When will we know? This time, the two week wait is a countdown to a known endpoint. In two weeks, movers will arrive at our house to pack up all of our things, load them on a giant truck (we have a LOT of things), and move them 1200 miles away to our next big adventure.

But the ambiguity remains. What will come next? Where will this journey take us? (And more concretely: Where will we be living after our month of temporary housing? What school will the kids attend in the fall? Can I sign the kids up for summer camp from afar? And so on, into the night.)

I don’t know how much of this journey I will be able to capture, but I’ll try, lest my grown-up diary journal turn into an abandoned chronicle.

I am a planner by nature. A researcher. Collector of details and tidbits. The state of unknown is unnerving. I over-research – there are so many options – and then I pull myself to a halt. Breathe, I say. Wait.

–

I know it’s February, but I had planned to write about New Year’s Resolutions sometime in January. If I were a person who made resolutions of the goal-setting type, I might resolve to follow through on planned posts. But instead, I view the new year as an opportunity to look back, then look forward. To focus and set goals. To see what’s working and what could change.

I do this in the Fall, too. The combination of the Jewish New Year and the start of a new school year always seems a time of reassessment and refresh.

I am making some commitments this year. To improve my health, both physical and mental. To connect more with my family. To continue to work for a better world for my children. I know self-help seminars suggest setting small, manageable goals but I think sometimes what I’m missing is a sense of focus, a way to help direct and reign in my scattered thoughts, procrastination, distraction. I think a set of broad goals or commitments, posted on the wall or scrawled in my journal, easy to look to when I feel myself wandering. Does this work toward one of my goals? What could I be doing differently to get back on my path?

–

It’s easy to get paralyzed by the unknown. I have found myself hunkered down, scared to move forward because I don’t know where I’m going. But staying frozen is not the answer. I am casting my net wide, keeping options open, until the path becomes clear and I can focus again.

This is the sound of one voice
One spirit, one voice
The sound of one who makes a choice
This is the sound of one voice

Midwife Karen Feltham is a Clinical Instructor of Nursing at Binghamton University, and a volunteer with Circle of Health International, an organization working with women and their communities in times of crisis and disaster to ensure access to quality reproductive, maternal and newborn care. She visited Haiti shortly after the massive earthquake two years ago to help provide maternity care to women in around Fond Parisien, Haiti (30 miles east of Port-au-Prince), and is volunteering her time and expertise for a return trip this month.

This is the sound of voices two
The sound of me singing with you
Helping each other to make it through
This is the sound of voices two

The Fond Parisien birth center is staffed by two Haitian midwives and serves more than 2,000 women a year. The midwives provide high quality care and effectively manage routine births, but outcomes for mothers and babies could be improved with additional training and support. Birth Centers like the one at Fond Parisian provide a model of care for other areas in Haiti and around the world, where maternal mortality is at the highest rate in the Western Hemisphere, with 630 deaths per 100,000 live births (compared to 11 deaths per 100,000 births in the US).

This is the sound of voices three
Singing together in harmony
Surrendering to the mystery
This is the sound of voices three

The midwives at the clinic provide high quality care for the women they serve, however outcomes for both mothers and their babies could be improved with additional training and support. During Karen’s visit, she will provide peer-to-peer support to the two local midwives, and will work toward three specific goals:

1. Review existing protocols for managing emergencies and deciding when to transfer to the local hospital. Provide clinical support and skill-building where it could improve outcomes for Haitian women and their babies. Karen says, “The midwives have good skills, but they don’t have an emergency plan. If you take some simple steps – like having all of your equipment in the same place every time, and deciding beforehand who is responsible for what in an emergency, it can make all the difference.”
2. Run emergency drills using improved protocol for complications most likely to be seen at the clinic, including shoulder dystocia and postpartum hemorrhage.
3. Improve monitoring processes so that the clinic can evaluate their existing protocols and make improvements based on evidence, not just anecdotal understanding.

This is the sound of all of us
Singing with love and the will to trust
Leave the rest behind it will turn to dust
This is the sound of all of us

Karen is donating her time, but needs transportation to Haiti (about $800 in airfare and local travel) and room and board on the compound where the birth center is located (about $300). The wonderful ladies of  BirthSwell are collaborating with COHI on a grassroots fundraising campaign to support Karen’s travel expenses, and I’ve signed on as a sponsor to help spread the word. While larger donations are of course welcome, the goal of the campaign is to bring in many many small donations, which will add up to help us reach our goal and get Karen to Haiti.

We need your help!

This is the sound of one voice
One people, one voice
A song for every one of us
This is the sound of one voice
This is the sound of one voice*

*The lyrics are “One Voice” by the Wailin’ Jennys. They’re not affiliated with the event at all, I just really love this song and thought it fit beautifully.

I wanted to say Don’t worry about the people who are glaring. They are, it’s true, but you won’t see them again and anyway they’ve either been there or will be there or aren’t parents and don’t get it.

People always tell you how fast the time will move, but it’s hard to grasp until you’re in that moment, thinking “I was there, not that long ago, and it all seems so distant now.”

The transition to kindergarten has not been entirely smooth. Despite years spent in a full-day preschool, the kindergarten environment is… different. More kids, fewer teachers. More work, less play. More waiting, less fun.

Some roughness in the transition is to be expected, of course. The shift from a play-based, nurturing environment to a focus on curriculum, benchmarks, evaluation would be rough under the best of circumstances. And these are not the best circumstances. There are 25 kids in each class, with one teacher and no aide. This seems to be about average in our school system, but that doesn’t make it okay. It means some kids are being pushed too hard, and some kids are bored. Some kids have never been in any preschool program – they need to learn how to line up, how to raise their hands, wait their turns. Some kids do not know how to hold a pencil or write their names. And others are reading and doing math problems. With 25 students, one teacher – no matter how experienced – can’t meet each child where they are, as individuals. There is, by necessity, some grouping, pushing, waiting. It is not – cannot be – a system of individualized learning.

I don’t know how much of our rough patch is simply a response to the challenge of transition itself – of newness and settling. How much is best handled through perseverance and cheerfulness, on getting through each day and thinking it will get easier and easier. On pushing through when something is hard – even if it’s the transition and not the work itself. Or, whether this really is too much. That even at it’s best, it’s not enough. That the crying and clinging and transition challenges are the warning signs that this is not the place for us.

My wish for my children – and for each child in their classes – is to be met where they are, nurtured and encouraged. Challenged and pushed to achieve their best – whatever that is. For some kids, that may be learning how to be away from home, how to follow instructions, how to write their letters. For some kids, that may be reading or writing stories, doing math problems or science experiments.

I don’t claim that my kids are geniuses, that they need special treatment or special schools. They need what every kid needs – to be met where they are, to be challenged and encouraged, supported and nurtured. And right now, they’re being let down.

They all are.

Welcome to the August Carnival of Natural Parenting: Creating With Kids

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how they make messes and masterpieces with children. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

When I was last in academia (oh so many years ago!), I was doing research on the role of the kitchen in 20th century American homes.  I studied the shifts in technology and design that led people to think of the kitchen as the “heart of the home” both literally (through the shift to open-plan designs) and metaphorically (food as love, maybe, or the kitchen goddess as the emblem of domestic life).  Perhaps it is not surprising, then, that I cook with my kids.

When they were babies (past the sleep-all-the-time phase and well into the I-want-Mommy-to-interact-ALL-the-time phase) I would bring their bouncy chairs to the kitchen, and perform a cooking show for them. I would tell them all about how I was Taking the Carrots out of the Fridge and then I was going to Peel them and Slice them and so on. It was exhausting, but it worked – I got stuff done, and the babies stayed entertained.

Now that they’re older, we sometimes cook together. Most times it’s simple tasks – sprinkling the cheese on the pizza before we put it in the oven, or taking turns pouring in ingredients, or stirring or mixing batter for cakes or quick breads.  In the summer, it’s smoothies.  The kids help plan what we’ll put in our smoothie, and love to turn the blender on or off.

Cooking together is one of the ways we’ve taught turn-taking. We’ll each stir the batter 5 times, for example, before passing it along to the next person.  It has reinforced the need for patience – both in waiting for your turn to mix, and in waiting for the food to cook.  And it’s helped broaden their palates – while they’re still fairly picky eaters, they’re more willing to try food that they’ve chosen themselves (tasting a new fruit at the farmer’s market this week, if not incorporating new vegetables into their repertoires) or helped prepare.

And if they make it, I’m less likely to hear “but I don’t want THAT for dinner” which is always a nice bonus!

How do you bring your kids into the kitchen? What are your favorite recipes to make with kids? (Many of my old kids-can-help standbys are out now that I’m eating gluten-free, so suggestions are welcome!)

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Family Draw Time Art Show — Kate Wicker shares art (and inspiration!) from her family’s cherished tradition of family draw time.
• The Rules of Creativity: Learning to Create with the “Non-Creative” — Zoe at Give an Earthly shares how she learned to accept her “non-creative” child and claims that anyone, child or adult, can be creative given the right handling and environment.
• Creating With Kids: 4 Ways That Work For Us — See how Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings nurtures creativity with her kids through craft projects, outdoor creative play, celebrating the creative process, and setting up “little spaces of beauty.”
• Creating memories, not things — Mrs. Green from Little Green Blog reflects on life with a ten year old and how ‘creating together’ has evolved from ‘things’ to memories.
• The Gift of Creation — It may be hot, but Kellie at Our Mindful Life is already thinking about winter.
• Hidden Talents — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how providing the opportunity for creativity sometimes means learning to look for hidden talents in unusual places.
• Creating Joy — CatholicMommy at Working to be Worthy shares how she and her one year-old son create joy for their community.
• How to do Crafts with Kids — Gaby from Tmuffin guest posts at Natural Parents Network and describes how to keep things simple when doing crafts with kids for magical (easy-to-clean, and tantrum-free) results.
• Sugar & Spice & Baking on the Kitchen Floor — Carrie at Love Notes Mama enjoys making a mess in the kitchen with her daughter.
• Young Scientist Makes Purple Potion — Hannah at Wild Parenting loves being a lab assistant for the young scientist in her life.
• Making a butterfly house — Lauren at Hobo Mama demonstrates the proper way to build a wooden butterfly house with a preschooler.
• Nurturing Creativity — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares the enjoyment she feels in nurturing the creativity of her children.
• Home School Music – Sparking A New Generation Of Musicians — Based on her musical background, Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey talks about how she creates with and teaches music to her children.
• Creating (im)perfectly Together — Mudpiemama shares some of the highlights of a summer spent building everything from ships to hoops but most of a lesson on letting go of perfection.
• Family Soccer Kick Around — When her children wanted to play soccer, Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children helped organize something that would work for her family.
• Creating Memories Together on Skype — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells how you can create memories online with adult children or anyone who lives in another city or country.
• We’ll always have Halloween: Creating costumes for kids — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama is not the craftiest mom on the block, but she does make a mean homemade Halloween costume.
• Let’s Make Juice! — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment shares about the benefits of juicing with kids, as well as a quick recipe.
• Everything’s Better When It’s Homemade — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro praises the art of homemade goods.
• Creating the Opportunity for Art — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction shares how her family has created an environment conducive to art.
• 10 Easy and Functional Crafts Preschoolers Can Do with Minimal Assistance — Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers ten easy crafts preschoolers can do while sitting near parents — but they don’t need a lot of parental help. Added bonus: all of these ten ideas double as something functional (gifts, decor, educational).
• Creating with Kids: Singing Together — Ana at Pandamoly details the important role music takes in her household and provides a quick (and easy!) tutorial for creating fun songs to sing together!
• Create This — jessica at instead of institutions considers different aspects of creativity including those without an end product.
• Make Your Own Pocket Bib — A tutorial from Amy at Anktangle on how to make two simple and quick bibs to keep your little one clean at the table.
• Creating Together in the Kitchen — Despite not feeling “crafty,” Momma Jorje finds a way to create and connect with her toddler.
• An Artist-Mama’s Perspective — In this post, Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the differences between her choice of artistic outlet and her son’s, and how they embrace those differences together.
• Heart of the Home — Jona at Life, Intertwined shares some highlights of cooking with kids.
• Getting creative with kids — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares how much she enjoys watching her daughter getting creative.
• Creating with Children – The Nature/Seasonal Table — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama celebrates the rhythm of the natural world with her toddler through the creation of a seasonal nature table.
• How Involving My Kid Saves My Sanity — The Happy Hippie Homemaker explains how involving her toddler in projects allows her to get more done, while providing valuable opportunities to teach and to bond (added bonus: amazing oatmeal raisin cookie recipe!).
• In the Kitchen with Kids — Cooking with Real and Pretend Food — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle engages her kids in the kitchen with culinary creations of both real and pretend food.

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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One of the unexpected benefits of parenting twins is the presence of a built in “control group”.  I certainly don’t advocate treating children as test subjects, but the mere fact of their twinship has provided me with the insight that it’s not all about my parenting choices.  Parenting two at once is the perfect reminder that what you do and how you do it only goes so far. The kids themselves – their likes and dislikes, temperaments, sleep patterns, food choices, skills development – have as much to do with how they turn out as our parenting choices.  Of course this doesn’t mean that I don’t think about the kind of parent I want to be or the importance of how my partner and I raise our children, but that despite our best (or worst) intentions, in the end, we just can’t control it all.

For every parenting challenge – from sleep “training” to potty “training” – we found that whatever approach we chose had different results for each of our children.  Did that mean that the approach was “good” or “bad” or simply that kids have their own timetable for learning new skills?  I heard other moms in our playgroup (all similar aged babies, but we were the only twins) loudly proclaim the virtues of one approach or another as if the approach itself was the magic potion that would cure the “problem” at hand.

Far too often, it seems, parents give one another advice suggesting that one solution is THE solution, the RIGHT solution, the ONE-AND-ONLY right solution, when really it’s just the solution that worked FOR THEM.

I say this not to get into a nature vs. nurture debate, nor to suggest that parenting styles are completely irrelevant, but to remind us all to lighten up on ourselves and our parenting.  We do the best we can with what we have, and it matters, it really does. But it isn’t everything, nor should it be everything.  Parenting is not a test. There’s no “right answer.” Parenting is a process, a journey, and yes, an experiment.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
• really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
• Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured‘s parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
• First Year Reflections — As her daughter’s first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
• Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
• How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
• Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
• What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
• Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
• Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
• Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
• Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom’s parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
• Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
• Connection, Communication, Compassion — She’s come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
• My Parenting Inspirations – Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
• A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
• Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It’s the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
• THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter’s life.
• On Children — “Your children are not your children,” say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
• Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
• My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
• An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.

• My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she’s using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
• Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
• Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
• Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it’s important for her daughter’s growth.
• What’s a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
• grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
• Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
• Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
• Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
• Parenting Philosophy? Eh… — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
• Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
• Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
• Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
• Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
• Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
• Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
• Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there’s no right answer when it comes to parenting.
• Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
• Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
• how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
• Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they’ll need.
• Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
• Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she’s doing.