life is a good friend of mine

liFe iS oDd

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 08:39:00 +0000

How does the universe work? Not long ago I opened up to my boyfriend about some crazy theories I have. Some may not feel they are crazy but for those who are not in on the secret... Well, anyway I gave him a taste of the ideas and beliefs that I have come to hold. I said, you may not believe in a God, or greater power (he doesn't), but I think that Life works in a much more meaningful way then you realize. I think that life can bring you what you ask for. I think that things may happen not only by chance but for a reason. This of course brings up a whole load of questions. Why then do bad things happen, I didn't ask for terrible things to go wrong.

My boyfriend has bipolar disorder, of course the man I choose and am falling absolutely in love with has mental issues. I tell him if you were not so weird and odd, then you would never be able to keep up with me. Sure bipolar sucks but babe, if it weren't for that you wouldn't have become who you are today and I fell in love with who you are today. Yet, he still has a ways to go before he becomes as positive as me. This idea that life gave us gifts, that happenings may have reasons was hard for him to accept. I told him, I don't imagine that everything in life was meant to be for some personal reason, or maybe for any reason at all. Some things do just happen, its the law of nature, as one action happens a correlating response will automatically result. What I mean is that when we put out energy (the action) a correlating response will occur. Positive energy brings a positive response. Energy is a real and motivating force. Even in science we know matter cannot be destroyed yet it can change form, for example into energy. Energy can also change form back into matter. It is a cycle that is scientifically proven, yet we never imagine that it's a process human beings can use for our own benefit. Giving will result in others giving back to you. Hurting will result in your own pain. It's a kind of karma, but impersonal. Life is not deciding, "Joe, you were lazy at work today, and your taste in clothing sucks, I think I'll send you some bad luck." Also we cannot stop the results of other peoples thoughts and what energy they send out. Life or God if you believe in that sort of thing, do not decide it's time for a country to go bankrupt or a child to starve, or % of killings to rise, these are acts of human action and thought. We try to blame God or Life but if it were all up to him then we would have no free will at all. I do believe we can bring about positive occurrences just by a positive attitude but we still must choose to feel positive. We are all made up of energy when it comes down to it, us, matter, water, money, TV's... so is it really that hard to believe that energy can affect the way things interact with us. I feel I have brought many positive things (good grades, cheap car, job, my odd boyfriend, good parking spots) in to my life by being positive. My bipolar boyfriend was finally coming around to the issue, until he lost his job, got kicked out of his house, and caught my cold. Then he as many have before him uttered "why is this all happening to me, whats up with your universe!" I laughed, and said I don't know but its all going to work out. Sometimes I doubt my theory, maybe everything is just random and meaningless. But I'm probably right! Sometimes we can't see the big picture when we're standing so close to the obstacle in front of us, we cant see over or around it and begin to wonder if we can ever get past it... but if we just step back a bit the smaller the obstacle will seem and the way around it will soon become apparent. Sometimes we can only see the good after the situation has passed. And sometimes we just have to accept that we were putting out some negative energy which attracted more negativity. Struggling against what has already happened wont help, finding the positive is much more fun, even if my theory is BS. So here I am being positive for the both of us... sending out specific positive energy... I will place my order to Life from her catalogue of possibilities.

*My wonderful boyfriend, who is undoubtably a gift from life, will have great luck. Life is going to work out okay...beautifully. He has a new job, an excellent job that pays well, happens to be a good social setting, and gives good benefits. He has an awesome girlfriend who is totally HOT!! An't he lucky? He is living at home again (true). He smiles all the time now (he should, it makes him look much sexier). He is doing well in school and feels confident about life. He is going to get into Berkeley (duh!) I have high standards. I will find a new job (doesn't a girl deserve a bit more than min wage?), a perfect fit for me while I work hard and get impressive grades. Positive financial opportunities will open up for us (mmhmm!). Oh and I am returning to my perfect goal weight, old jeans I'll get you out of my closet again ( I am a woman, of course that goes on the list). Thank you, Life. For all this and all the amazing things you have already provided me.

Happiness shouldn't fleet

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 17:13:00 +0000

Sometimes what you feel is so hard to describe to another person. One thing I love about writing (good writing) /narrative is that it can bring an outsider into the story and feelings of someone else. While you are reading another persons story you are able to truly step into their shoes for a while. Good writing can cause emotions and understanding. I'd love to be a writers, to communicate complicated and deep concepts. It seems the most efficient way to express a difficult or unwanted idea across is through humor. Humor, intellectual humor is one of mans most evolved abilities. Life should not be taken seriously. Honesty and truth are funny. All a comedian has to do is point out a bit of humanity and we all start cracking up. In turn humor helps us to accept truth. There are many things in life that feel horrible that seem hard to handle but when we are able to laugh at them they automatically become less of a struggle. LIfe is a joke.

Acceptance seems to be the key to true happiness. If we accepted everything that happened in life then there would be no struggle. We hear this idea all the time. Religious people preach acceptance. Psychiatrists speak of acceptance. Hollywood movies romanticize self acceptance. Yet we don't really believe it do we? Society is telling us through commercialization and expectation that we are never good enough. We always need the new iphone, we always need to keep up with the new trend, we always need to have the better degree, we need to graduate quicker, we need to make more money, we have to follow the newest most spiritual teacher, we need to be thinner... Life is never good enough for us. Im not saying that we shouldn't strive for more or continue to grow or do better for ourselves. I just hope that we can learn to enjoy the journey forward. I hope more of us will understand the journey to the pie in the sky is just as enjoyable if not more. We can be happy with where we are at the moment and still keep improving. My boyfriend recently lost his job, he struggles with depression and admitted to me that before meeting me his default attitude was unhappy. He told me he had always been striving to do well in school, get to a prestigious college and find a high paying job. He doesn't enjoy the process but would feel like a failure if he stopped. He never considered that it was supposed to be enjoyable, it was just a means to an end. I told him this was an awful way to look at it. Life is the journey if we don't make the journey enjoyable, if we don't remember that the journey is also incredibly important you will realize to late that you never lived. It mystifies me that he has never had these thoughts before but I am glad that I could put them in his head now, even if he doesn't change right away. I'd rather be happy than rich I said. Of course I don't plan on having to choose one over the other. :) I believe I can have whatever I desire, but Im sure as hell going to enjoying getting to wherever I end up! Happiness shouldn't fleet.

in loving contemplation...

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 23:50:00 +0000

We have evolved in so many positive ways in the past decade. We have evolved technologically, scientifically and civilly, but have we evolved emotionally? Both men and women have become more emotionally liberated but I feel not all the effects are great. It seems we have trivialized love. This is coming from a person who doesn't know what love really is, well at least I don't know what it is to be in love with a man. Love is this amazing phenomenon, something that nobody can describe or prove yet somehow most of us all believe in it. Yet we don't treat it with much respect. We call other things by its name, we confuse it, use it liberally and blame awful things on it. This only makes it harder for younger people like myself understand love or trust it. Some part of me wants to find true love. In novels it's described as a connection that last a lifetime, a match that feels right from the moment you meet the person. It is described as accepting someone and wanting them even knowing their deepest secrets. Other people say you can't tell your loved one the whole truth if you want the relationship to work. You hear teenagers making out on a bench whispering "I love you". People say love is caring enough to give up your own happiness for that person. Of course others say that love will only end up in hurt, that it is awful and unforgiving. My boyfriend told me he loved me the first time we had sex and two weeks later broke up with me. I hadn't believed him at the time, I was afraid to, and I had guessed that he probably wasn't in the right mind at the time. Later he told me that he was sorry but he never did love me. That was the only time I ever wanted to tell someone I loved them…I thought maybe I did love him. I wanted him so much. Maybe the fact that he didn't want me had more to do with it than love. Or maybe losing my virginity had something to do with it, who knows? This just makes love so much more confusing and caused me to fear the word, to fear ever saying it or even implying it to other boyfriends. It makes me wonder if love even exists. How can I ask if love exists if I don't even know what love is. Love is just a word, without definition it doesn't mean anything. In fact love really has no definition, just a couple million years of connotation. To me love is like the last fairy tale I can't help believing in. I fear it but I can't stop hoping its real. To me love is finding someone who matches you mentally and emotionally. Its being physically and intellectually attracted to them. Wanted to make love to them as much as you want to sit in silence with, just to feel near them. Love is being able to want a person without being attached to them. It is feeling safe with a person, safe to tell the truth and be yourself. Love is growing along with a person, growing from each fight and each conversation. Love is giving to each other without needing to take. It would be wanting, not needing somebody.

Hollywood movies romanticize love. The entire movie will lead up to the coming together of two beautiful people, but once they declare their love for each other the movie ends. Although, our grown-up-movies don't end with the words "happily ever after" anymore, they still imply it. What happens after the honeymoon part is over? We seem so obsessed with the catch but aren't so good with the commitment. I don't know. I hope true love does exist, and I hope to someday to find someone who truly loves me. I hope that as a society we don't forget that there is a greater love possible.

What do you think love is??

searching for the truth...

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 06:14:00 +0000

I had a dream the other night. It was a pretty insane dream, which is no different from all my other dreams. People talk about lucid dreaming. This never happens to me, no matter how crazy, or how many zombies are chasing me, it all seems relatively normal while I dream. But in the dream I want to being up, besides the irrationality of the plot, something very unusual happened. Aliens were attacking earth, it was just like a scene out of "War of the Worlds" and I was hiding in a house. I could see the Aliens through gaps in the window shades. Suddenly an Alien tuned its attention toward the house, as if it knew I was looking at it. I didn't turn away in fear, I watched. It seemed the aliens were attempting annihilation, and I knew what would happen next as he blasted my house (with what? I have no idea.) I thought as it was happening, "this is it", I'm going to die." Yet, all the time I watched, the aliens and the blast, I was completely unalarmed. It was amazing. I knew I didn't want it to be happening yet, I had no emotional attachment, no fear. And as the house blew up, it happened in slow motion, and I was just thinking, "Wow, I'm dying, this is what it feels like to die, it's happening" I felt good. I was excited. I wanted to die, I wanted to see what was next. I felt myself open my arms and reach for death, and as cliche as it sounds I saw a light. I didn't see a tunnel or figures, just light and then it was gone. I was on the floor of a ruined house, I was dusty but still alive, still whole. I'd never experienced anything like that before.

Death seems so far away, so inconceivable. People have talked about having no faith in God until someone they loved died. I at first thought, but wouldn't that make not want to believe in God. God lets all these terrible things happen, he let your loved one die? But thats not the reason, people begin to believe in God. When their loved one dies they want to believe that the person will be living on somehow, that they will see them again. My grandmother is dying. I've never experienced the death of a person I knew. I'v only known life, I've never seen a body, cold, spiritless. How can you accept that someone is dying, and dying forever, moving on to an eternal nothingness? To think that there is more after this, that there is more of all that is good here, gives me peace.

I am not religious, nor am I a non believer. But, I would like to believe that the best of this world; love, individuality, learning, inspiration, creativity, truth, goodness, beauty, happiness, is what we will find after death. My grandmother may die. But maybe this is okay. I've been thinking a lot about death. It's easy to know death is real, but it's not easy to truly understand death. If there is something beautiful next, something more after we die, than it is not a sad thing, but more of a... letting go. My mother said that her grandfather didn't believed in an after life, or a God. Then when death was coming for him as he got older, he began to speak to God. "God, I really hope your out there. I don't know what I was thinking not believin' in you."
I find it hard to believe that this is it. We all deserve forever to become the best beings we can be. I don't claim to know what is true metaphysically. I have no faith which tells me what to believe. I am curious, unyieldingly curious and a little afraid, but to know the truth is worth giving up any preconceived notion. I like rationality, although life is many times irrational. Yet, if I were to use reason, it seems to me that if love can live on forever, than why not a human spirit. At the same time what do I know about love. I just know that Life is so illogical and magical, I wouldn't be surprise if there is something just as mystical and extraordinary beyond it.

"Grandma, I'm excited to see and feel what comes after this life and I'm excited for you, too." We are so young relative to eternity. In that respect my grandmother is hardly older than me. In the face of eternity, we are equals, with forever to experience, and learn and get to know each other.

I feel flirty

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 22:46:00 +0000

I'm growing up. I've been waiting to be a woman, and I guess I am one now. Well...I haven't exactly been waiting, with my fingers taping impatiently, it actually kind of snuck up on me. But, its so fun that I get noticed by men. Yes men! I mean when did men start seeing me as an attractive woman, instead of a cute little girl. Its great. Boys are fine, but they aren't men. I was just walking back from the coffee shop (because I am always coming back from a coffee shop) where a tall, nice looking man began to flirt harmlessly with me. I couldn't stop smiling at myself, an the fuzzy feeling I had.

I can make men nervous. I'm very excited, a whole new specie is open to me. Men being its own specie of course. There is a definite difference between men and boys. Men are of course more mature, usually more courteous, better at the flirting thing, less arrogant and are better conversationalists. Of course they are still "men", and there are men who are still boys but I'm talking about the grown-up type men. I feel so adult! I love flirting. I love life, its curious, mischievous and exciting.

have a little faith

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 21:39:00 +0000

you can't drink a sip until you drink half a sip and so on... thats philosophy as it concerns all those who love their coffee.

I have never been so excited about life. ok, so one hiccup, I haven't been writing much...well at all since I started school. I love writing more than almost anything but I've just been to busy. Yet, one very good thing I've gotten from these past months, I realized I do love to write. I could almost go as far as saying I want to be a writer. Yes, I have a ton to learn about writing and I need much more practice but its amazing to realize you might actually have a knack for something. Fingering out my future before college definitely was not my knack, and I even took a somewhat impulsive semester off. When I was in high school (class VP, honor roll, yearbook editor) I look like I had it together, and at the end of the year when I got up in front of my classmates proclaiming that I'd decided not to go to college right away (being the only one to do such a thing) my classmates quickly took that to mean I was pregnant. My teachers adamantly advised me to change my mind about this, "you have such promise" they said, "if you don't go right away, I'm afraid you'll never go!"Wow, with few words I went from being a put together young woman to pregnant and unmotivated. Have a little faith people! I think we all should have more faith. Faith in ourselves and in Life. We think if we don't do this or that, if we don't plan and predict our life will fall apart. I don't have anything agains planning if thats what makes you happy, but I think doing what makes you happy is the most important thing. Believe that life will all turn out. IF you let it, it will. I strongly believe this, as long as you make choices based on your own happiness. I am in school, I have a good job, I have a car, I have a home and several people have shown up in my life to encourage my writing. I go to the gym at least 5 times a week and I've never been so interested in doing homework. Three months ago I had no idea where my life was heading, I had nothing and no plan. Now I have so much, life is generous. Even the horrible times are a gift for growth.

I just can't stand that...

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 22:26:00 +0000

I love when your pants fit a little looser then the last time you tried them on.
I just can't stand it when you're shopping and you've finally found the shirt you want but they don't have it in your size.
I love when you wake up and look at the clock and see you have another hour to sleep.
I just can't stand it when you go to a fancy restaurant and order an entree of crab cakes with a side salad (thinking "that should be a filling but light choice") and get served a single, tiny crab cake in the middle of decretive, inedible floral.
I love when you're feeling shitty but a hot shower is all that's needed to put you right.
I just cant stand it when you find the typo after printing out a dozen copies and using spell check. (nothing against spell check, I love you spell check!)
I love when your friend knows exactly what point in your heart break to bring over the pumpkin pie and sappy movies.
I just can't stand it when you walk into a public bathroom and all of the stalls have something wrong with them (out of order, clogged, broken lock, out of toilet paper.)
I love when the cute guy sitting across form you in the cafe smiles when he notices you were staring.
I just can stand that calories make you fat and sex makes babies.
I love the cheese cake factory
I just can stand when your looking in the fridge and you cant remember why, then you realize you were looking for a fork.
I love hot drinks and fire places in cold weather
I just cant stand when you see someone waving and your not sure if you know them so you wave just in case, then realize they were greeting someone behind you.
I love all the Starbucks holiday flavors.
I just cant stand that Cinnabon smells ten times better then it tastes.
I love that there are so many different kinds of people.
I just cant stand that time flies when your having fun, but dawdles when your bored.
I love laughter and I love when I can make others laugh.

I love life, I love the many wonderful things about life, which we usually take for granted, I even love the things I cant stand. Why? because we seem to learn the most from the tough stuff. The not so good stuff causes us to invent and create new things, to appreciate the good stuff, to forgive, to understand others and ourselves, and of course they make us stronger.

Cold Breath

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 00:52:00 +0000

I can see my breath.
sometimes an ordinary, everyday moment can be magical. I realize its something inside us that makes everything outside seem bad or good, it just depends on how we look at it. The other night it was so cold I could see the white puff of my breath. It surprised me! I have never been in weather this cold. I looked up at my big brother and I gave him my biggest smile and twirled around. Then I said "look! I can see my breath!" like an excited little girl who finally mastered a trick she had been working on for days, a cartwheel or a whistle. He laughed at me, because I was being silly, but why not. Why have we stopped enjoying the simple things in life. lets stop expecting life to bring us gifts, lets be thankful for the ones she has already given us.
Yeah that all sounds good but it ain't that easy. Sometimes you realized you married the wrong man, sometimes you feel alone in the world, sometimes your lost and you don't want to stop feeling hurt, you want to fall to your knees and wait for someone else to save you. Well maybe thats okay sometimes too. Many times I have rejected happiness so I could indulge in self pity and hurt. I just try to remember that everything is always okay, and that if we don't take things so seriously, we can survive anything. Life will only stop serving you, the moment you give up hope. No matter what happens to you, it is only your self pity and inability to forgive that will stop you. Stop stressing, let life take care of you, I promise she will. Try putting on some music and smiling, for no reason! happiness for no reason is the best kind, happiness because it is so cold you can see your breath and because you have a warm cup of HoCho (hot chocolate) in your hands, well thats the second best kind. We are ALL just humans, lost in our own way, all needing to be loved and all wanting to be happy. Take a moment to become aware that you are alive! You are alive, now what are you going to do with that life?

Wonderer

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 20:15:00 +0000

I have become a wonderer. I have no job, no friends, no car, and no school yet. I love being in a new town where I don't know every other person I walk past. No body knows me and I love it! I am looking for a job but I don't mind that I have nothing to do for a while. I'm very excited to start anew. I'm very excited to see what job Life will bring to me, and how handsome and sweet the man Life will set me up with next. I sure hope he wears glasses, I hope he's smart, funny, gotta be funny, sweet, mature, damn its hard to find a mature man, and possibly resembling Robert Downy Jr (I definitely wouldn't mind that!). Hey Santa could-ja please work on that for me. I'll be reeeeal good.

I also wouldn't mind a real nice job too. So the streets here in Encinitas are called A St. B St. C St. etc.. and 1st street, 2nd street etc.. yeah real creative, but easy to remember I guess. In my wonderings I've found a cute little cafe called E street cafe. It's real sweet and comfortable, I'd recommend it t anyone in the area. Well I asked if they had any job openings and they said bring in your resume. Despite its un innovative name, I'd love to work there, so yay me!! My sisters fiance, whom works at 24 hour fitness also said they have openings (maybe that will help me get in shape, good job Life!)

Things I've seen as I wonder

We don't have pinecones in Hawaii

can you see the face

E street cafe

Good Morn

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 17:21:00 +0000

GOOD MORNING! Its strange growing up. I'v officially left the coop. Well okay, I moved into my dads house, but I'm thousands of miles from the home I knew. My toes are chilly, My computer is now bookmarked with listings; cars for sale, and help wanted adds. I was awaken this morning by my dad's fluffy white polar bear. My dad's dog, sugar bear (rightfully named), she is an old pyrenees, and the biggest fluff ball I've ever seen. I'm sipping coffee from an enormous cup, and watching morning news (My fathers before-wrok-ruteen), its so much fun! Coffee, coffee, coffee. I don't know why I love it so much, but it seems to taste even better when your toes are numb and your fingers need coffee-mug-warming.

Moving is odd, I feel almost as if I don't live anywhere at the moment. I guess it's like starting new, new job, new dad, new car, new friends, except all the weight you've gained comes with you. My butt has gotten much to0 large for my liking, but hopefully, I will start to exercise more just as I had promised myself, "as soon as I leave I'll stop eating cookies. Ah its okay next month I'll lose those ten pounds!" hah. right. Now its thanksgiving, the stuff your faces holiday, whats a girl to do? Well thats Life. Anyway...

What is being grown up supposed to feel like? Sometimes I forget that I'm getting older, I'm 18 and that seems much to old. Not to long ago I saw something that really opened my eyes. I haven't seen many of my friend from high school since graduation. The night before leaving state, I saw one of the girls I new well, and she was pregnant, very round, pregnant! I know it happens all the time, but It never happened to someone so close. I wanted to shout at her "what did you do? Its been like two days since I last saw you, how are you pregnant!" but I didn't. She was the kind of girl you can imagine might get pregnant young, she was from mexico and had a hard time fitting in, and didn't have much guidance. We were very close all through freshman and sophomore year, and then I just left her. I didn't leave her really, but somehow I leveled up from my lame status and became somewhat popular, and we didn't have any classes together. I should have been a better friend. I didn't judge her at all for being pregnant, I felt over whelmed by love for her, I wished I had been a better friend, encouraged her to have a full life before having a baby, I wish I could have taken her with me, I wished that I could at least be there to help her raise the baby, be there for them both. I can't imagine being a mother, I'm independent and mature, but I'm still just a child. But this experience reminded me that I am growing up. Life showed me what being a good friend could mean. You can change someones life if you don't give up on them. Hopefully life will show me a cheap car for sale, and a great job as well! Happy Holidays! :)

Super mom

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 10:42:00 +0000

I remember the first time I saw my mom as a person. Until then of course I thought she was just a mom, born a mom, always a mom, put here on earth to be my mom, a super hero, who changed dippers, had eyes on the back of her head, mind reading abilities and the power to cure any hurt with a kiss and Winnie the Pooh bandaid. Suddenly I was staring at this woman, so much bigger then me, such a huge part of my world, and I saw that she was not just a mother. I saw that the world wasn't revolving around me, it was incredible, I felt like the world had flipped and I literally saw everything upside down. The black and white tiled floor of the Foodland bakery was swirling above my head. It scared the hell out of me. I could no longer blame her for not being perfect, no longer expect her to always be right, because she was just a human being, just as messed up as the rest of us. Its much more comfortable to see her just as a mother, but its much more fun, interesting and satisfying to see her as a woman, no different then me.

Over and over we put people into categories or stereotypes. Why do we not see everyone as human beings? Recently I have become frustrated that people judge me by my age. I am guilty until proven innocent. Guilty of being an immature, superficial teenager of the 21st century. Life's way of helping me to understand worse stereotyping and inequality, in a small way. It is okay that we sometimes judge others by appearance, or age, or category, it is human nature. And since it is happening it must be okay. As Life has assured me, everything that happens, should happen, because it has. Life works in wise ways most of us can't understand but we should never worry because she has control over everything. But why is it in our nature to judge? I don't know. Honestly I don't know if it is our nature or it is learned, but I believe it is fear that causes us to judge others...or anything different from us. The important thing, I think, is to allow yourself to consciously look deeper into everyone, past their masks or steryotypes and past your initial judgments.

Beautiful words

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 19:25:00 +0000

What is the difference between words and poetry?

Words are wholly inadequate at speaking divine truth,

Yet divine truth can be whispered from between the lines

Heard in the spaces separating each word

of poetry.

I am Intrigued by beautiful words.

I am fascinated by beautiful poetry.

I am In love with beautiful experience.

a small dose of arrogant jerk

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 03:19:00 +0000

I just went to the doctors with my mother to see if she needs chemo. I am very pleased to say that she doesn't, though it took the doctor about a year to explain why chemo wouldn't be good in her case. I had Kimo once, but in my case, Kimo was a boy who left me crying on the floor, eating pumpkin pie and watching Friends, in an effort to console myself. I could say that I wished I never had Kimo, but I'd be lying. If not for him I would never have gotten so furious at his arrogance and the jerk he became right before dumping me, and I would never have decided my goal in life was to show him I was too good for the idiot anyway! It gave me quite a lot of motivation actually. -how to get motivated? I'd recommend a small dose of arrogant jerk, then a bit of hurt personal pride-. well I became a new person (literally) but what I really ended up discovering was that I had never felt good enough for myself, and that is what had to be changed. I would never be the driven, compelling, secure, silly and somewhat cynical girl I am today without him. This is where I came up with my theory to trust Life, no matter what painful or crazy situation she throws you into, it will be okay, and if your wiling to recognize this, it may even be for the best. I believe things happen for a reason, but sure, sometimes Im not too excited about the situation itself. For instance, my moms cancer, or Johnny not calling back after I confronted him about our kiss (he wasn't too crazy about being reprimanded, all he could say was he didn't understand why it was such a big deal!), or gaining 20 pounds in the last year (not to much fun either)... I wont go on because I'd rather talk about the happy things. I'm much to addicted to laughing to be pessimistic for to long, no matter how much I'd like to dwell in my misery at times.

My mom's cancer got me to stay in the state a month longer, it allowed me to spend halloween with my family. It tested my trust of life, of God (if you believe in that sort of thing) and my fear of death. In the hospital we met with a long lost relative who just happens to be in an awful marital situation, with tears in her eyes and no friends to turn to, and there we were; two smiling faces whom would stand by her no matter what. In the case of Johnny, well hell, at least I got to kiss a gorgeous asian, after a free dinner and coffee. And if we can get through the sticky situation, we'll only come out closer. The 20 pounds, well I was a 108 pounds before I gained the extra bit, and 5'7, so it didn't hurt much, especially since I enjoyed the cookies, ice cream and french toast (which were so helpful with the gaining) so much, and I actually don't mind that I have a butt once again.

That whole orange thing...

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Wed, 10 Nov 2010 12:15:00 +0000

Life is quite excellent at teasing me, and damn it, she keeps tripping me up over my own words. Sometimes I think I have glimpsed some incredible realization, awareness, an epiphany of sorts. I have so many deep questions I want to ask, and for moments I think I'v found some answers but soon enough I forget these new found revelations or I become aware it is what most adults have been trying to get me to understand for years. Oh I get it, I don't have to let everyone around me dictate my mood! That is so profound! Oh so, Life isn't supposed to be fair!

I guess there are just some things that humans must relearn over and over with each generation. Our brains may have developed and our hight increased with the evolution of man, but we still must make our own mistakes, we still need life to hit us over the head with reality before we start to believe it. But I'v come to the conclusion (from all my deep questioning and from all that practice I'v had at living for my 18 years) that experience is the most wonderful thing on earth and may be the reason we are on this maddening planet anyway. If you don't experience you can't understand things at a deeper level or you simply can't understand them at all. Its that whole orange thing, if you have never tasted an orange, no description of an orange's taste can even come close to the pleasure of eating one (if you like oranges that is, if not then use the same metaphor with something else, to each his own), But you get the point. Someone can tell you something directly and clearly but to you they would sound like just another silly adult from the Peanuts comic (incomprehensible).

I can't stop laughing at myself for never failing to think I know so much more then I do, which is nothing. The first step in knowing everything is to first realize that you know nothing. I have no idea what that means, but at one point, in one of those moments of revelation, it had made perfect sense. So there you go, you have to experience it before you understand. "Im so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde. I think...what I meant was that in order to learn everything, you must first be willing to know nothing (do some cleaning, move all your knowingness out) or else you will not have any place to put the everything you so desperately want to know. Does that make any more sense, who knows. In fact, I don't have many friends at the moment because I think I have scared away most of my peers with all of my nonsensical talking and musing. Do you believe in fate? Have you ever been suddenly happy for no reason at all, so happy you feel like you might have just fallen in love with Life, the world and everyone in it? The looks I get are enough to make me want to swallow my words and burst out laughing. I feel a bit insane but thats alright I tend to think people are much to sane, much to often.

Oh dear, I am not at all sure what this post is supposed to be about, Im sorry. I'll be sure to be more focused next time, but I have so much in my head sometimes it comes out a bit scattered.

free your inhibitions

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 23:11:00 +0000

Why do we love children so much? Because they are the purest form that humanity takes. Children are beings without any indoctrination. Children are intrinsically happy for no reason but because it is there nature, it is all they know. Suffering is grand because it allows us to experience non suffering as something in reference to another thing, in other words it allows us to be grateful for, and experience truth, beauty and goodness at such a higher lever. But unfortunately we don't only take the good from suffering and leave the bad, most of us take it all, the guilt, the doubt, the anger, the insecurities, the cynicism. We learn to doubt that happiness should be our natural state, we think it must be earned. Yet children who have not yet had the chance to hold on to guilt, doubt, anger, cynicism are the proof and verification that happiness and freedom from all inhibitions is our truest and most beautiful nature. :)

Inspiration for this post - please watch :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHLywCfnHI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QyxvUmtL40

You know your quite human if...

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Fri, 05 Nov 2010 04:07:00 +0000

In my last post, Life said to me don't take yourself so seriously. I like this idea and so I'd like to devote this post to that motto. It is so easy to take ones self serious, in fact we do it all the time. You get mad or frustrated at yourself all the time for things but thats just silly cause your just too human not to make mistakes, big and small ones. Its actually quite arrogant to be hard on yourself for a error. To think that you are are so perfect that you shouldn't do things wrong (or at least things you consider to be wrong). Now thats just kooky! Life says, all those things we do, that seems so wrong or stupid or hurtful, well they are just reminders that you are human, just as much as the next guy. Being human is a trial in itself, but that doesn't mean you cant always try your best but don't expect perfection, just hope for it.

You know your quite human....

if you have ever lied to make yourself seem cooler

if you promised to only have one bite of pie but finish of the entire piece

if you have ever disliked someone just because you were jealous

if you have cried over spilt milk

if you ever felt so embarrassed you wanted to melt into the ground as if you never existed

if you ever laughed when you wanted to cry

if you have felt sorry for yourself

if you have ever wanted something irrational

if you have ever made someone else suffer for another person's actions

if you ever laughed so hard you peed a little in your pants

if you made a mistake and blamed it on someone else not present

if you didn't call someone back, or waited much to long hoping somebody else would call you back

if you judged someone by their appearance

if you forgot for a few seconds how to spell your own name

if you ever fell for someone you shouldn't have fallen for

if you have blamed God for the world's problems

if you have tripped over your own feet

if you don't understand love

if you have mistaken like or lust for love

if you have mistaken love for hate

if you have traumatized your children in some way or another

if you have played hooky

if you lied to get out of doing something

if you have stolen a cookie out of the cookie jar

Can you hear Life laughing

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 22:22:00 +0000

I recently heard a quote "At the end of the day we realize we can endure much more then we ever thought possible" this is so true. Life knows this better then even we do. I have finally grown up enough now to see that suffering is Life's gift. I had always thought that picturing pain as a good thing was just something one said to the young in order to make life seem less awful. But Life is not awful, she, with the help of experience do everything they can to help us grow up. I also love the quote "you know you have grown up only when you are able to laugh at yourself." I asked life if we must always suffer, I asked if evolving always has to be so painful. She said Gad, no my dear, the trials will never cease but your suffering can, if you would all just stop taking Me so seriously. If you would all just stop taking yourself so seriously. If you listen you will hear me laughing with compassion at the superficial and the grave way you perceive Me. Laugh with Me, and never stop.

I had so many more questions but Life hushed me and said I will tell you more but first I want you to trust me and let my proposal guide you in your trials at hand and then you tell me if I have misspoken. "Are you saying to laugh at my problems, and which problems do you speak of?" I ask Life. Yes Life answered, do not let them make you suffer, and I speak of your mothers cancer, the sadness in your heart you think is caused by Johnny and whatever else you see as a problem. "But aren't they problems?" They are whatever you choose to see them as.

My situation with Johnny, my best friend who had kissed me, bringing up attraction for him I'd forgotten I'd had, the situation ending in him admit it had all been a mistake. I guess it was sort of silly. His actions and words had hurt me but I was much luckier then him. I was the one who got to be kissed and didn't have any regrets. Of course he didn't like me as I liked him but why must we expect something for giving love, love should be free. He must be doubly confused as I, so I should laugh at my selfishness. He is perplexed about how he feels in general and about me, where as I know how I feel about him. If he wants to be a silly boy and let a beautiful, wonderful girl like me get away then so be it. All that matters is that I love me. So I can continue to love him as a friend no matter what he chooses to do. It is freeing.

Colored Sand

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 02:22:00 +0000

I miss being a little kid, so happy, so in the moment, so untroubled. Life has now become much more confusing and sometimes a little aggravating. But life is a good friend of mine and if I look from her perspective, Life has always been loving. The thing is, Life can only see things from the larger perspective and being human (so very much so) I find it hard not to view things from a shallow perspective. She only sees the strength I have gained from each loss. Aren't a few temporary tears worth a permanent confidence and motivation. Life also knows me very well, better then then I know myself and when I loose view of the grander perspective or loose track of whats honest she bangs me over the head with truth. Recently, after spending more time with my friend, we can call him Johnny (the friend I shouldn't have kissed), I said to Life, "Life, I have no feelings for Johnny other then loving him as a friend, in fact I'm glad we are only friends, very glad!" Life laughed and said oh my dear, don't lie to yourself, that is not the way to resolve your infatuation with this boy, if that is what you desire. But I did not want to listen, instead I stubbornly deny her accusation. But no sooner had I done so did I find myself sitting next to Johnny alone at night engaged in friendly conversation, both of us covertly inching closer to the other on a blanket we had lain out under the stars. It had started out so innocently. I have known Johnny for a long time and many times over the years have had to convince myself that my attraction for him was childish and limited. I only liked him because I felt lonely or because he was so admired by those around me, my feelings were stimulated by wrong reason. Yet now I was lying next to him, my hand on his chest wrapped in his warm fingers and he was implying that he wanted to kiss me. If I was truly happy to be just friends, I had more then enough reasons to stop the interaction. He is not quite out of his failing relationship yet, he is my best friend, and I'm leaving the state in a month, for good. But non of these rational reasons got me to pull away, it was the fact that I didn't know if this was simply a lustful, impulsive desire or if he had deeper feelings for me. But still I wanted to kiss him. "I don't want to do a bad thing." I said. He smiled and told me it wasn't a bad thing. One should never believe a man in throws of lustful impulse but I was easy to convince, to easy. Yet I had to ask one last thing "Do you really like me?" I don't exactly remember what he said, something like "isn't it obvious." Not quite the answer I wanted but I'd take it. I relaxed and he kissed me and kissed me and kissed me... He took me like a bottle of colored sand and shook me. I hadn't been able to decide what I really felt about Johnny so I layered my different emotion (attraction, disdain, admiration, detachment, friendliness) in side me, like layers of different colored sand in a bottle. I had organized the sand so carefully, putting the safest feelings on the surface, covering up the ones I didn't want to feel. I forgot all reason, I was floating in a happy, silly, little bubble; a Johnny bubble. All my colored sand jumbling up together into one big mess. After some time he began to emotionally pull away then he asked if I needed to be home soon. It was 2am but still I said "No." I told him foolishly "I don't ever want to leave. Can't we just stay here forever?" But then I had to ask "Do you need to go home?" He said yes. I was shocked and my heart started to sink, and I felt immensely foolish. He said he had a family matter and I didn't know whether I should believe him or not. My happy bubble now in danger of popping. He took me home and despite myself I hoped to hear from him the next day, but he didn't call, nor did he the next day nor the next. When I finally did see him again he asserted that the kiss had been a mistake. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to cry but he was right, not that it was a mistake but that it wasn't rational and shouldn't be repeated. I had also been the very one who had encouraged him to decomplicate his life and experience himself unshackled by a woman, and I had meant it. Most importantly I love Johnny I don't want to lose his friendship. So I could do nothing but nod and secretly cry out to Life "okay so you made your point but what good is it now?" All my colored sand has become horrifyingly muddled and confused. And now because of my curse I will surely be getting sick soon!! (As a did a few days later) But even in my anger toward Life she answered with love, don't worry, good will come.

staff must wash hands

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 02:00:00 +0000

I was in the bathroom of Borders the other day when I noticed a sign on the wall near the sink. The sign read Staff must wash hands. Now the implications of this sign really bother me. Firstly it bothers me a great deal that any staff members, potentially stationed in the cafe, needs a reminder to wash their hands after using the bathroom! I mean really, how hard is it to remember to wash ones hands, you can't be that lazy... Well I guess we are in America and the inventor of the automatic sink turner on sensor thingy obviously thought we, Americans were to lazy to turn on our own faucets, but on a side note I honestly feel that all the waving one must do in order to get the thing to actually turn on seems like a lot more work then turning a nob. Anyway, secondly this sign also causes me to beg why hand washing is only demanded of the staff...I personally feel a bit disturbed that whomever felt it was necessary to put up that sign didn't feel the message was important enough to include everyone in its request, how about everyone wash your hands? What is this world coming to? We can't turn faucet nobs and we need signs to tell us to keep sanitary. I am over reacting a little, I know. Other then that I'm quite in love with Borders. A borders near us just closed and it had an interesting effect. I visited this Borders at the end of its life and in it's bathroom the walls were covered with mournful graffiti. we love you borders, we will miss you. Its closing was like a symbolic remind of pleasure reading's slow demise. In some ways the future does scare me, because I see us universally losing some of our humanity and personality. Technological evolution is important but so is social evolution. We are losing our imagination quicker, why read when you can watch...We are less inclined to personal contact, we text, we get inline for the self check out, we sacrifice relationships for more money or time. We are obsessed with time and the future; one can't stop to enjoy the moment because one doesn't have time! But I must ask WHY?

spilt milk

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Fri, 29 Oct 2010 10:32:00 +0000

I cant quite grasp life. Every time I think I'v got a handle on it, it slips right out of my fingers. I picture a grocery bag filled with different happenings and situations. One to many and the bag rips, spilling the contents all over the tiled floor. eggs break and milk spills, and sometimes you can't help but to cry over it. But you can always count on life to surprise you! I'm experiencing new things every day, can't say I would have wished for them but they bring humility and understanding. Just recently I found out my mother had cancer, and she laughed when she told me "so darling, its cancer." I also kissed my best friend, we both agree that it was not for the best, he's just out of a relationship and he's my best friend, yet I selfishly and immaturely want more from him. I told him the other day I was upset with his "it was a mistake" reaction, even though I had agreed with the statement earlier. I don't know what I feel & now I am afraid I have made more of a mess in our friendship. He has me so befuddled (oh but what a great word). The latter problem is not so much unprecedented for a teen but it's new to me and at a rather horrid time. Yet on the upside that experience gave me a chance to use the word befuddled and allows me to question myself and my feelings for him. Oh and I forgot to mention I am quite sure a 25 year old virgin boy I care a lot about, in somewhat of a sisterly way, is falling in love with me. Now that one is quite surprising indeed, surprising I was even able to find a 25 yearold virgin.
So now all I'v got to do is pick up the groceries, put them carefully back in the bag, and mop up the mess.

skivvies alert

noreply@blogger.com (Evangeline Bee) — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 03:50:00 +0000

I saw an old man in costco the other day, quite past his prime, advanced in years, antique. This old man was standing or wobbling near the king-size bagel crisps and kettle chips, lightly salted. He was in his underwear struggling feebly to get some pants on. As I walked pasted and caught a glimpse of his tidy whities and hairy white legs, startled I ask "is that lawful?" At my words my mother turns to look at the old man. "ooop!" she says turning away quickly. I laugh. Then she laughs asking "what is he doing" then in a whisper she inquires whether I think he had just decided to get some fresh air or if he was trying on some pants. "I hope the latter" I reply. Costco should really get some dressing rooms. Life is so strange and painfully comical. Usually we don't see it that way but it seems to me that the universe is constantly teasing us. So why not just laugh along, cause the universe surely is.
I will, fortunately for you save the strange and painfully comical intimate details of my life for my next post. Except I shall share with you that I am cursed. Boys make me sick. If I kiss any boy I am doomed to catch a cold in the very near future.