Life is a Lemon

Dyscalculia a barrier to success?

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:27:00 +0100

I took my driving test yesterday.

I failed.

If coping with the failure wasn't difficult enough then dealing with the anger of being so close to pass was harder still. I had 6 minors, 6! That's hardly anything and they were just that, minors. The odd harsh break or fumbling for a gear. Nothing which could be considered to unsafe.

No the thing that caused me to fail was going up the kerb slightly whilst going forward to correct my reverse round a corner to the left. If i'd not gone up the kerb then my maneouver would have been fine, perhaps a minor for my positioning but that wouldn't have been a problem as even 7 minors is a good pass (you can have up to 15).

The most frustrating thing is that I know that no matter how many times I practice that maneouver it will never be good. You see I have dyscalculia. It's never been professionally diagnosed but my sister has dyslexia and they're closely linked. I never had the luxury of being tested in school, nobody had heard of the disorder, they were only just coming to terms with dyslexia.

Having dyscalculia means that I have trouble with mathematical concepts as well as other not so obvious mathemathical things. For example I find it hard to tell the time on an analogue clock. I cannot rotate things which made it very difficult to telll how far I was turning the steering wheel. I also find it difficult to know left from right so I spent a number of weeks with my instructor yelling directions at me and flinging his arms out to show me which direction I should go in. I struggle to judge distance too so i'm fearful when they ask me to pull up one car length away from the car in front or stay a metre away from the kerb.

I battle with it in my job too. I'm a teaching assistant so I spend at least 5 hours a week doing maths with the children. The majority of the time they will get the answer before I do which breaks my heart because they're 9 and i'm 23. I don't know many of my multiplication tables because unlike most children I was unable to learn they by rote. Instead i'm left with the leftovers of what I can remember either because it's simple addition e.g. 2x is the number added to itself or 10x because you just add a 0 on the end of the number.

I try so hard everyday to battle my disability, yes it is a disability. It doesn't stop me from doing things but it sure as help makes them tricky. If people knew how hard it was then they probably wouldn't taunt me as much as they do or make off hand remarks about it.

So i'm sat here this afternoon feeling very angry and frustrated because I know deep down that had it not been for the fact that I have trouble judging where my car is in relation to the kerb then I wouldn't have failed. Had my dyscalculia not clouded how I see things then I could be out this afternoon feeling the wind rush though my hair as I drive round the coast roads.

I don't want to put all the blame on my disorder but i've tried so many things to stop it getting in the way. I practised for hours on the end of the bed physically going through the maneouver, how many turns of the wheel, where to look, when to move, when to stop. I practised it in the car. We made marks in the car for me to look at and still I managed to get it wrong. What else left is there for me blame but the disorder.

But I don't want to. Blaming the disorder won't do me any good whatsoever. The disorder isn't going to make me pass the next test. I am.

I've got another test booked now. 4th October. That's over 2 months away now which is so frustrating as I'm ready now. What's really annoying is that it's also the date they include something new in the test. Something the dyscalculate part of my brain won't like. Independent Driving.

Independent driving involves spending 10 mins of the test following a list of several instructions the examiner has given you rather than one instruction at a time, or following roadsigns and markings to a particular place. Apparently the examiner can give you a diagram or map of the route too. This fills me with dread. Why? you might ask, isn't this just like the driving you'll be doing when you pass? Yes it is but not under test pressure and when I pass I intend to get a Sat Nav to help me with directions as i've already said I struggle with them and the roadsigns aren't as much help as they could be as the picture doesn't match what I see in reality in my opinion. So they idea that when I next take my test i'll have even more to contend with is not really making me feel better about failing this one.

I also have the problem of organising time off as it's not in the school holidays. They're quite picky about letting you have time out of the school day. Will have to try and twist their arms.

So there you have it Dyscalculia is so much more than a word, it's like a life sentence and people who deal with it everyday should be given a medal for bravery as you non-suffers have no idea the pain we go through just to survive the day.

Money money money

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Sat, 9 Jan 2010 13:22:00 GMT

I've just been to the bathroom to vomit up half my lunch. It's not because it tasted awful or that i'm ill. No, it's because I feel like total shit. I checked my bank balance this morning. I had several hundred pounds in it which at first I thought was great. When Christmas came and I got money from parents I felt relieved thinking it would help enormously given my severe lack of cash. I decided to move it to my savings so I didn't spend it which left me with not very much cash. Most of my pay packet had gone on putting my account back into plus figures.

Then I checked my credit card statement. To my horror I'd forgotten to pay last months bill. So I had a late fee and interest on top of that added to what is already a ridiculous amount of money. Money which I can't pay off without using the savings. OH was trying to be supportive saying he'd help which didn't really help as all it's done is make me feel more guilty. I don't want him bailing me out all the time. I want to be on an equal footing with him. Instead I just feel like I live on handouts from him and other family. He says he knows how I feel. He's been spending more than he should recently too but what he doesn't understand is he has the money in his savings and deposits to cover odd blips. I have nothing. I cannot survive on what I have. I told him this and he said not to worry and that he would help.

I don't want help I want it not to be a problem in the first place. I've worked so damn hard all my life getting an education, being consciencious and hard working, all trying to please people and it just gets me nowhere. On Thursday I watched a co-worker teaching, or rather murdering the delivery of, a lesson of a subject which I have a degree in. I could so easily have done her job ten times better and I fought for the chance to do that last september and the head turned me down in preference to loads of other people including her. She only got hours doing that because she complained that he'd promised some and didn't give her any to start off with. He was supposedly giving these hours to people who had skills they could use to help the kids. I can't see how that's worked.

Ever since the bank thing this morning I've said hardly a word to OH. Mainly because I can't think what to. What do you say to someone when you know your whole world is crumbling down again. Especially when you know they'll try to tell you otherwise and tell you how good your life is when you've known for months that really all you've felt like doing is giving up, finding a very dark corner to crawl in to and hoping no one will notice you've gone so you can slip quietly away and don't have to think or worry about anything anymore. The frustrating part is the more I don't say anything the more desperate he becomes in trying to comfort me and get me to talk and then he goes and says or does something which makes me a feel a whole lot worse.

When i'd finished eating my lunch I didn't feel much like sitting there. Polite chit chat was not on the cards certainly. I can barely keep myself from crying how can I have a conversation? Especially without the tears becoming the topic of it! So I said thanks for the meal and pottered upstairs thinking about how if I could just make it to the top I could have 5 minutes peace to myself but then I could hear OH following and all hopes of that faded.

He asked to give me a hug. I just wanted to curl up and die from all the pain inside. I hate it when he asks that question. I desperately want someone to hold me and tell me it's alright but when they ask I can't bring myself to allow it. I don't deserve the relief it brings so I hold off for as long as I can. Almost like when someone asks if you want a slice of cake and you think it looks lovely and would love a big hunk of it but think it's inpolite to say yes can I have the really huge peice. So you say no thanks, really no i'm o.k until at least 3 or 4 people have had a slice and they ask if you're really sure you don't want some and then you say o.k you've twisted my arm. You let yourself have it because you don't feel as guilty now other people have been equally bad. So I climbed on the bed a made myself into a ball secretly hoping to erase the last few seconds and for him to not feel too regected. I know I hurt him. But then it came. The thing I fear most. When he speaks and I know i've hurt him because he retorts with something that I know will hurt me because I hurt him and I know it. "Fine ignore again like you've done all morning like you always do". The words went through my body like hot daggers and I lay there curled up for a moment feeling them pierce through my core thinking you're a bitch and you deserve this. It's all your fault. Then I sloped off to the bathroom with him muttering behind me "see you later". I stuck my fingers as far down my throat as I could get them making myself gag until I threw up part of my lunch. It felt like I was purging myself of some kind of poison, like somehow if I got rid of the meal I'd just enjoyed that somehow that would help me feel better that depriving myself of it would make up for how bad a person I am. It helped for all of 2 seconds. Now I feel just as bad.

Still Blue

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:45:00 GMT

It's christmas eve, a time when everyone should be feeling merry and excited about what's in store for them the next day. Meanwhile I'm still bluer that ever.

I can smell the turkey that's been cooked a day early. At first it made me feel christmassy but then I remember it's not christmas yet and I won't wake up to the smell of fresh turkey tomorrow instead it will be cold. They've also bought tinned carrots. I don't want to appear snobbish or ungrateful it just doesn't feel like a real christmas dinner to me. Everything my family have is fresh. I won't get to see my family in person tomorrow either, only via webcam and I doubt they'll be missing me too much. Probably far too caught up in spoiling my sister rotten as always.

I can't get off my mind how much money i've not got left in my bank account and the feeling it'll take me a long time to recover if I ever do. Slowly i'm loosing all of my savings. I say mine but really it's just money i've been gifted by people. I'm somehow incapable of saving money. It just drains out of my account like it's a sieve. It's not that I don't try to stop it or that i'm frivelous with it, it's just that finances aren't my strong point. I've never been good at maths and this kind of thing scares the shit out of me.

OH and I are supposed to be looking for a new abode, something i'd dearly love but I just know that it will be my finances that put a spanner in the works. He has loads saved I don't even have a 3 digit sum to my name at the moment.

Christmas Blues

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 14:51:00 GMT

I just checked my bank balance. I'm -£300 on my current account and my credit card lots equally grey. What's worse is my saving wouldn't even make a dint on it. It's not as if i'm in debt as such. Just more a lack of money at this moment in time. I've not been paid yet this month. I thought I would have been paid early given it being christmas but there's no sign of it yet.

It's not just the money that's getting me down though (although it's kind of the icing on the cake) it's just the season in itself. You can see by my previous post i've not been very cheery at the moment. I'd hoped it would have cleared a little by now given the festive season but then i'd forgotten how morose the holidays make me feel. Usually it doesn't kick in until Christmas is actually underway and almost over owing to the cramped surroundings I find myself in with family having taking over my room and me sleeping on a floor somewhere with nowhere to go and be alone and recollect myself. That's been a real problem in the last few years.

My Gran was involved in an RTA in 2001 and ever since then she's been declining in health her memory and mobility in particular. I've watched gradually as every little piece of the 'old' Gran has disappeared. The one that told me stories of her in the war, sang in choirs, visited people and knew everything there was to know about them, baked cakes, remembered where I was and what I was doing. Every Christmas since then it's gotten harder and harder for me to be around her. I feel like I can't even have a conversation with her anymore. I have to talk slower and louder because she can't hear (I know that's a common thing with older people), every 5 minutes she asks me questions which i've already told her the answer to 3 or 4 times and she doesn't remember i've told her the answer. She can't remember where i'm living, she thinks that i'm just visiting my OH and not living with him (one small blessing is she remembers who he is). She also can't remember that i'm no longer on my PGCE and training to be a teacher which breaks my heart as she used to be a teacher and was so pleased that I was going to be one. It also makes me low because I have to explain the agonising truth (that I got stressed/depressed) as to why I left every single time she asks.

My Gran went into a home about a month ago now. She wasn't feeding or washing herself properly and got sick and had two stints in hospital so this year Christmas will be very different for her and for us. My parents are having her over for Christmas dinner. I think they're picking her up Christmas eve and she's going home boxing day with my uncle, not that he's happy about it. Sometimes I think he just wants to get rid of her that he thinks she's a burden or maybe he expects more of her I don't know but it hurts when he says or does things that are negative.

My Christmas is going to be even more different than that this year. It will be my first Christmas not spent with my family. Instead OH and I are going to spend it with his family. I'm sure it will be nice but it won't be the same as mine. There won't be hot freshly cooked turkey for lunch (they cook it the day before); they give their presents out over christmas day, boxing day and new years day instead of just on christmas day which my family do (which is sort of nice as you spread the christmas out a bit). I probably won't go to church like I would do with my family and i'll have to wait till the 27th or possibly 28th to give out my gifts to my family.

All this has left me feeling lonely and out of sorts. It doesn't feel like Christmas at all. I'm not sure i'll even enjoy it. I just get the feeling that this year i'll just melt into the background with no one noticing i'm even here. My parents are supposed to be linking up the webcam on Christmas day so we can have a video chat but they'll probably forget. These days I feel like i'm not even on their list of priorities. I phone up and I can't even get a conversation out off them they're too busy talking to people in the room with them, usually my sister who is obviously their favourite. I find out that they've been places or done things that I would have loved to have done had they thought to invite me but they don't.

I think i'm just going to have to grit my teeth, put on my false smile and pretend as usual that everything is o.k with me and hopefully no one will notice that my world is slowly falling apart again and that barring some miracle i'll have committed suicide by next Christmas.

Back to Black

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:13:00 GMT

Feeling totally shit today. OH is away on a training course in London till Thursday night so i'm on my own.

I'm alone and I'm really feeling it. I know that he'll be back in a few days but I doubt the feeling will disappear. It's not just a feeling of being on my own momentarily, it's a lifetime of lonleness. It's been there for a long long time way before I was with the OH. It's the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I watch normal people happy and smiley and chattering away to each other, like a lunchtimes, while I sit there in silence having tried to join in and make them smile like others do and all I seem to get in conversation is niceties. "How are you?" "Fine, you?" "fine" *silence*. It's the feeling I get when the OH's father shouts at me for opening the dishwasher door when it was on accidently. It's the fear that whatever I say or do will somehow be ridiculed or won't be good enough. The knowing that somehow i'm not meant to be happy, that my life is meant to be full of gloom. The certainty that when I want someone to notice how down I am and that I need a hug, to just be held and them not care or need to know why will never happen. For example this evening my dad texted to say my gran's phone is now up and working at her rest home. I texted back saying o.k i'll try and ring her tomorrow and asked him how he was. Then said that my tooth was aching again (I had bad toothache a few weeks back which turned out to be an infection and it needs to come out but as i'm woosy I need to be sedated which needs the proper person so I have to wait). I'd hoped that he'd text back with some sympathy. All I actually got was "O.k. - off to the gym tonight". Nan rang too but she hung up pretty quick as she said I was listening. What was actually happening was I was trying my hardest not to cry so she wouldn't ask why.

That's where the other feeling comes in it's the knowledge that when I'd rather just slip into the dark ether and not be noticed everyone wants to know what's wrong and why i'm so upset. Which is the real grind because the words "i'm depressed" or "everything" don't cut it. Somehow you're not allowed to feel so earth shatteringly down that nothing feels good. "I'm depressed" seems to be code for oh dear we're feeling a little hormonal today or feeling a little sad. If only. I spent years trying to convince my parents that I was depressed. I'm absolutely sure that teenage girls do not cry themselves to sleep nearly every night or dream of ways they can kill themselves because they didn't get an answer right in maths that day. They don't break down in tears when a family friend's daughther and parents talk to their family about how said daughter is having counselling for their depression. How many times did I have to pleed with them that I was depressed before they would acknowledge it. The answer is I still am. Even after i'd had my breakdown in 2008 my mother still refused/refuses to believe that I was depressed as a teenager. I know for a fact that I was. I know I still am now even if they think i'm not.

Today I have no idea why I am depressed. Just that I am and it feels like nothing will cure it. Some may say it's because of my tooth. It may well be but I somehow don't think that is the sum total of the reasons.

I quite often wonder what the point of me being on this earth is because quite obviously I am just a burden to it's fellow occupants. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. The hardest thing is keeping up the pretense to everyone else that i'm o.k. so they won't worry. What do you tell your nearest and dearest when they ask you if you're o.k or even worse are you happy? How the hell am I meant to answer that? How can you tell the people you love that there are some days where no matter how many people you have surrounding you, you feel completely alone or that some days you wish that you weren't here anymore. That happiness is just a fleeting glint or that you're both not happy and happy at the same time because if you say you're not then they assume you don't like or love them anymore and there is some great crisis or they're causing your pain but if you say you're happy then they can either quite obviously see you're not or they just tell you to stop sulking and snap out of the mood then. I desperately want to rid myself of this horrible black dog but I just don't know how. I'd go back to the doctor but I just get the feeling that they'd put me on drugs which I know won't work and I don't want to be on them. The counselling didn't work I just felt ridiculed and belittled by them like I was some silly little girl. I'm worried too if I go back to the doctor that somehow i'll be forced to tell work and that'll be my career over before it's even had chance to get started and that after failing the PGCE that'll be another job I can't do that came close to what I wanted to do. I just feel like what's the point in trying anymore. It's gotten me very little good stuff and mostly heartache.

My comment on today's postsecrets

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Sun, 17 May 2009 14:21:00 +0100

This week's postsecrets were dedicated to college and university leavers. Frank had been to a graduation ceremony somewhere in the US and given a speech. He's opened the commenting feature on the blog for one week only so that people can write their own pearls of wisdom to graduates. Here is my offering:

It's okay to fail. Sometimes your failures can be your biggest successes.

I failed my PGCE (teaching degree in u.k) last year due to stress and depression. When I look back now at the failures I had I can see that they only really made me stronger and more determined to suceed at what mattered. Since then I've got a job working as a teaching assistant, I've moved half way across the country to be with the person I loved most in the world and who supported me through all of it... and last month he proposed! What's more I'm happier than i've ever been.

Failing made me realise that succeeding is not always reaching the goal you set out for.

Almost a Vicar but not

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Sun, 5 Oct 2008 20:43:00 +0100

Oops I'm not doing very well with my one blog a day. I've missed a few days mostly because I've been so busy. Every night I've been coming home from work feeling so exhausted it's hard to muster the strength to turn the laptop on let alone write my blog. I blame the early starts and not being in a routine yet. I'm hoping once I am it won't be so bad and I'll be able to blog a bit more. I have realised though that this will officially be my 39th entry of the 40 blogs to make a habit. Which means that the next blog I write will be the final blog post out of 40 compulsory ones I set myself.

I didn't write anything the last few nights because I was down at my parents. Or rather up given they live further north than I do! My mum was being invested as a lay reader on Saturday. For those who don't know what one is they're as close to being a vicar without actually being one! Consequently this meant a lot of travelling (OH drove and I backseat drove!) and little access to Internet and computing equipment. It was a good weekend. We had all the family there which was nice but also quite tiring especially looking after my Gran who seems to have deteriorated even further than when I last saw her. I miss my family when I'm not with them but when I am they ain't half hard work. Families can't live with 'em and you can't live without 'em!

Room for two?

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Thu, 2 Oct 2008 20:32:00 +0100

Today's been rather fraught. It was the last day of my first working week. Yes I know it's only Thursday but I've got Friday off as I have a prior engagement which I'd booked before I started work. Although the children are going on a trip tomorrow and I'd love to be going with them as it sounds really exciting and I'm looking forward to hearing about it from them on Monday morning when I'm back.

After work OH and I decided we'd try and conquer many tasks. Firstly we went double bed shopping. I can't remember if I mentioned or not that we were thinking of doing this or not. We're currently in separate rooms and OH is on a camp bed. Not very ideal, so we're looking for a double bed that will fit comfortably into the room I'm in so we can a) be together and b) both be comfortable in the long term. We tried a few beds out. The ones with memory foam were rather comfy but OH isn't sure if it wouldn't be too hot in the summer. I think that it'll probably be O.K. but if anyone has a bed with memory foam then please do tell us what it feels like to lay on day in day out especially in the summer.

Next we tackled the weekly shop. That practically brought on a marital. Or at least it would if we were married! I suggested that we might want to get a small trolley. He was adamant that we only needed a basket saying that we didn't need that much. I said we didn't have to fill the trolley to the brim but he was having none of it. I was thinking about the drink cartons and water bottles I needed to buy for lunches and cans of pop I needed to stock up on. In hindsight we agreed later that it would have made more sense if I'd pointed that out in the first place and then we may have had a trolley to start off with rather than struggling half way around with the basket and then me putting my foot down and getting the trolley! I love him dearly though.

By then it was getting late and we hadn't had dinner so we were naughty and opted for a Chinese. OH left me to order while he nipped home to dump the shopping. We ended up with far too many spring rolls as our order went over a certain price bracket so we got some free as well as the ones we'd already ordered. By the end of dinner I was so stuffed I could hardly move and it was making me sleepy. We sat down with OH's parents and watched a programme about how some oil rig had been made. I only got half way through at most before I nodded off. We were meant to be packing ready for the weekend but we've decided to leave that till tomorrow morning now.

The Devil wears sensible shoes

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Wed, 1 Oct 2008 20:15:00 +0100

I'm getting excited now because it's almost half way through the week and I'm still alive (although not so well) and enjoying my first week of work. It's a bit nerve wracking being the new girl as I don't know how things are done or where things are kept so it's a steep learning curve but I hope within a few weeks I'll get to know things and it'll all be O.K.

I went to the shops after work today. I have a blister the size of a 1 pence piece on my right heel. It's because of the boots I'm wearing. They make standing for long periods or walking uncomfortable so I decided to see if I could fine a flatter, comfier pair. No such luck unfortunately. Which is the story of my life where it comes to shoes. Nothing ever fits right. I have really wide feet so I often find I have to go up a size to make sure I can get the width right. Sadly this often means that when I walk the back of the shoe just flaps up and down. I've come to the conclusion that I'd be better off buying two shoe boxes!

So I had no shoes but I did buy a blouse. A white one. I don't often find white blouses I like. I find manufacturers like to put all sorts of twiddly bits on the front of them and make the arms to tight on them too. I like mine much more plain. Especially as I have a chest and that often distorts things! So when I find ones I like I buy them. I also got some curries for OH and I to have for tea and a few other bits in Asda and then headed for the bus stop.

I got to the stop 5 minutes after the bus had gone which was a right royal pain as I had to wait another 15 minutes for the next one and I shockingly discovered is was the second to last bus of the day so I was glad I'd gotten there when I did. Buses are great if you don't mind waiting and you stick to office hours. If you can't do those things then they're pretty pants. It's one of the reasons I want to learn to drive. I won't be tied to times and places so much then. I'll be able to go where I want when I want.

Thinner the cane the more the pain!

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 20:10:00 +0100

Today we had a Victorian theme at school. It was brilliant. All the children came in costume and so did the staff and role played being in a school. I thought that it was very realistic we had props and everything. We even had some canes that the teacher pretended to use. The children did Victorian lessons (some of the maths they were given to do even I couldn't do but that's probably be because i'm squiffy that way!), they had drill.

I was rather jealous. When I was in school we never got this level of involvment in our learning. We did work on the Victorians. I remember doing the research but we never got to do drama or anything like that, that related to the topic. It does make me happy to see that this generation is getting a better involvement in history. I have a great love of what has gone on in the past and I think it shows a lot about what is happenening now. Why we do what we do and how we do it. My gran never wastes anything. She scrapes butter pots clean and saves used wrapping paper. Not because she's a cleptomaniac but because she grew up during World War II. She had to skrimp and save and re-use everything she could and it's stuck. History gives us a window to the way we were and the way we are.

Hopefully what these children learned today will stay with them for a long time and won't be washed away as quickly as reading it in a boring book.

First day at big school

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 19:59:00 +0100

Today was my first of school. No I'm not 5. What I mean is that it was my first day of work.

I have to say that getting up at 6.30 was probably the only low point of the day. The staff and children in the school are really nice and friendly and i can see that i will enjoy working in this school will be a pleasure which is something I was never sure of on the interviews for the other jobs. This one I was sure of and I'm glad they wanted me.

What i'm not so glad of is the fact that i still have my cold and i felt rotten by the end of the day and it wasn't because i was stressed or didn't like the job it was because my head was all woozy and my nose was blocked!

I'm going to keep this short and sweet because bedtime is fast approaching and I need my beauty sleep. We're having a theme day tomorrow so I'll need to be on my toes so I can keep in role. Plus I have this horrid cold to get rid of. Colds stink!

Snotty Sunday

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 20:20:00 +0100

Yuck yuck yuck! I feel really awful today. I'm holed up in my bed sheets keeping warm. My cold is still here and it's going to be still here tomorrow I reckon. Everything is just all bunged up and I can't even think straight.

It's my first day of work tomorrow. I'm absolutely bricking it now! Having this cold doesn't help much either. I'm all coldified and bunged up and it's just not fair. I don't want to start work on my very first day with a stinking cold. I slept for ages earlier today while OH battled on his PS3 on Star Wars (he's finally got past the big baddy he got stuck on!)

Oh well i'd better go I still have lunch to make ready for tomorrow and I don't have much energy as it it. Not welcoming the idea of a 6.30 start!

Party Fever

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 20:06:00 +0100

Today has been a bit of a slow day today for us. I'm nursing a lovely new cold that my OH has decided to give me as a congratulations on your new job present. Needless to say that thoughtful as it was I'd like to swap the gift for something which involves a lot less tissues but I'll keep the TLC. Credit to him though he has been my nurse-maiding me back to health and mopping my fevered brow.

We went out for our usual Saturday cinema session with OH's mates (well I suppose they're mine now too). We saw Tropical Thunder. It had a mixed bag on the review front. I enjoyed it and gym life-partner loved it (he was on his 4th viewing I think). OH on the other hand didn't enjoy it and the other mate was undecided. I think though that we were all in agreement about enjoying the TGI Fridays we had for tea to celebrate my new job. That was yummy!

Aspirational Goldfish

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 22:02:00 +0100

Ever since I got my job offer and I've been prepping for work next week I've been thinking about the future. There are certain things I think you start to think about at particular times in your life. Mine so far have been a place of my own to life in with my OH, children but before all that a job. Now I have a job I can move onto the other things. I don't think I'm quite ready for children just yet and we haven't really accrued enough money yet to buy somewhere (we could start thinking about renting though). OH's mum made us smile this morning (well me this evening when OH told me). She suggested now I had a job that we might want to get a double bed! So it's not just me that's thinking ahead. Oh course the logistics of that are a little tricky considering the rooms we inhabit but the idea does sound very inviting.

I on the other hand have been going down the adding to the family numbers route. Whilst children are off the menu for now a pet would be quite nice. We can't really get a cat or a dog or something small and furry as there isn't really room or time for them and some family members have an aversion to certain animals. When I was in town the other day buying clothes I spotted an aquarium shop and went in to look at the fish. There was a £28 starter kit that included a fish bowl, some weed and food, a net and 2 goldfish. A bargain price I thought. However a fish still needs some looking after, feeding, cleaning out the bowl and such which all cost money on a regular basis. So they've become aspirational fish. Ones which I will buy when I have more money to burn and a better place to keep them. Instead for now I've set my sight on some sea monkeys. If you've not heard of them before they're basically little Brine Shrimp. They cost less than £20 and live for 2 years and come with a packet of food that's meant to last a year. So that's a pet that'll cost you £20 for one year plus about £1 a year to feed them once the first year's food runs out. I've had them before and not been as successful as I would have liked but I think I've learned from my success so I'm hoping if I do get some then I'll become a sea monkey expert. I'll make a mother of me yet!

Things are on the up!

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:31:00 +0100

Today has been a new experience for me. I went into work to sort out all my details before I start work. Nerve-racking at first but then I just relaxed and I feel like I'm going to enjoy it here as long as I don't let my shyness take a hold.

I'm going to make an effort to try and talk to as many people as possible in the first few days and be as sociable as possible. I was getting really excited when I was reading about school discos and when holidays were and things. The one thing that bugged me when I was on placements was that I was never around to do those things. If there was a school trip then it was the week after I left, if there was a disco or some kind of after school event or weekend thing like a fete then I couldn't go because the taxi picked me up at a certain time and so I wouldn't be there and the school was very often miles away from home so I couldn't just pop back or make my own way (the taxi fare to one of my last schools was £100 a journey because they had to go so far out they expected the return fare as well as taking you out there because they were unlikely to get a return fare).

It'll be nice to be able to say oh I can stay and do a shift on the book fare or do you need people to do refreshments at the disco. I'll feel like part of a team rather than a spare wheel who doesn't know anyone or anything about the area. I'm not too familiar with the area at the moment but I think I know a fair bit compared to placement schools where I spent a month and didn't see outside the school walls.

The best bit of this is that I'll still be working in schools. Back in April/May time I thought that my life wasn't going to amount to much and that because I couldn't continue my PGCE I wouldn't stand a chance of getting to work in a school. Looks like things are on the up.

Shop till you drop

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 21:11:00 +0100

Today I've been out spending the money I just received from my deposit on the house I was renting while at Uni. I've had to have the cheque sent to me twice now since the first one was lost by my ever so organised parents. Mum opened it first and put it in a "safe place" then dad picked it up and mum told him not to loose it and to put it somewhere safe. Only problem was dad's somewhere safes are usually pretty forgettable so he couldn't remember where he'd put it. They turned the whole house upside down looking for it. In the end I was forced to phone the landlady up and ask for her to cancel the cheque and re-send another. Then I made parents promise to put the cheque in an envelope and mail it as soon as it touched their eager little palms.

Anyway, Said cheque has now paid for 4 new tops and 2 new pairs of trousers ready for work on Monday morning. I'd only got my 2 interview outfits with me which wasn't a very good wardrobe and as I can't go back to pick some more things up until next Friday I sort of needed to buy a few things to keep me going. Plus it was a nice treat for all the hard work applying for jobs. I also bought myself a lunch box and a new pencil case and pens and pencils. It feels a bit like the first day at school (well it is I suppose!). I'm getting nervous now. I'm going in tomorrow to sort out contract and things like that and also to sort out which bus routes I'm using to get to work.

I'm knackered now from all the shopping I've done. You wouldn't think that it would take so much out of you but I spent a good hour in one shop trying on outfits. OH, his gym "life-partner" and I went out for a drink after work which was most unexpected as they were supposed to be going to the gym but chose to give me a celebratory drink instead (any old excuse!). It was nice being able to sit and unwind and I'm looking forward to doing that having had a hard days work next week. I think I'll appreciate the evenings more now. Then OH and I decided to be naughty and go for a Chinese takeaway. I had to look for one in the yellow pages on my phone though. You would have thought that having lived here since the early 70's that my other half would know where there was a Chinese takeaway but he apparently doesn't despite his love of them *sigh*.

I've got a job!

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 20:51:00 +0100

I'm in complete shock at the moment. I finally have a job! It almost doesn't feel real. I can't wait to start though. From the website and the tour I had today it looks like a really great place to work. Although now that the interview nerves and shock of the job offer have worn off I'm getting a little bit nervous about my first day and my very first proper job.

I have to say it was a real good buzz being able to ring people up and tell them the good news. Especially my parents. I've had to wait until 8pm to tell my mum as she's been at work all day and I swore my dad to secrecy. When I said hello I think she thought I'd not got it and so she was gearing up to keep me bolstered for the interview I was due to have on Thursday. But then I shouted "I got it!" and I think she was genuinely shocked, surprised and happy for me.

Speaking of the interview on Thursday. I rang them up before my interview this afternoon to say that I would be attending and then had to phone them back and apologise and say that I was now unable to attend.

All those hours of filling in boxes have finally paid off and I'm glad because it was starting to grind me down. I know that the positions I had gone for before weren't entirely ideal for my set of experience so I'm glad to know that when I finally did get a go at one that fitted the bill that I got it. So if anyone out there wants some encouragement that you can get a job then I'm in a good mood to give some uplifting advice. Keep chipping away and you'll get there eventually.

Secretly I think my job success was down to practicing my teacher voice on OH last night! ;). Oh and the wonderful reference one of my previous employers/friends wrote for me (I think she was beginning to wonder if she'd ever get asked for one).

I've had some celebratory Krispy Kreme Donuts and a bunch of flowers from my OH (isn't he sweet :) ) but I plan on something a little bigger at the weekend.

Do you have a teacher voice?

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 22:32:00 +0100

Today's post is a little short owing to me having a job interview tomorrow and spending most of the day and this evening trying to prepare for that. It's a job I'd really like, good location, school looks good too and it's the age range I'd like to work with so I'm keeping all my limbs crossed for it and working supper hard to be prepped ready for it.

Luckily my cold symptoms seem to have worn off now so I won't be lurgified tomorrow at my interview. My OH's on the other hand are still there. He's croaky and grouchy. The grouchiness forced me to use my teacher voice on him earlier because he got all crabby with his new Star Wars game and me because he said I was saying it was easy. Co-incidentally if anyone knows how to get past the Raxus Prime level on Playstation 3 where you have to defeat that mini boss robot then please leave a comment (and don't say it's easy otherwise I might have to use my teacher voice on you- it's not pretty!). He must have played that level a million times now. He got past the boss at one point but then fell off the bridge and got very cross (hence me needing my teacher voice).

Everyone always asked me when I was training if I had a teacher voice/stare and I said yes but I can only do/make it work when I really need it. Suffice to say that I think my OH learned how scary it was the hard way!

Sunday catch-up

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 22:19:00 +0100

Today has been a catch up day. Since we spent most of yesterday in London, we'd not watched all our usual programs on Friday and we were both nursing a cold. Although OH more so than me but isn't that the way with men!

He let me lay in till almost 12 after promising me he'd wake me up when he got up. Although I was thankful he left it till 9am before he came and checked on me this time as he'd apparently woken up somewhere around 6.30ish (eek! and on a Sunday as well). I was feeling a big dog-eared and fancy laying on a little longer so said to come get me at 10 at the latest. Unfortunately he got distracted and then fell asleep so was a few hours late on that promise. I forgave him though because he was a poorly little bunny.

Tonight is Charley night (No it's not the night we casually entertain the idea of taking drugs). Charley Boorman (sans Ewan McGregor *sob sob*) has set off on another one of his expeditions around the world. This time he's doing it "By Any Means". Charley and his team are trying to use as many different modes of transport to get from the U.K to Australia as possible. Although I'm not so sure that their is much difference between sleeper train in Iran and a sleeper train in India so I'm deducting them brownie points for just adding a country in front of it! This week's episode saw Mungo the cameraman injure his knee. I seem to be seeing a lot of knee injuries this week. Last weekend my sister managed to damage her knee blackberry picking. I know blackberry picking! It doesn't sound very dangerous does it! But my sister can make any activity into an extreme sport when it comes to injuries!

Then having watched all there was to watch on live television we scowered the watch again service and found a programme called something along the lines of world's strictest parents. It was about supposedly unruly teens getting shipped off to a new family for a week who were supposed to turn them into cherubs again with their strict parenting. Personally I didn't think the kids were that unruly and what they needed was for their parents to sit down and listen to them and in some case get them some counselling. Their were 2 teenagers. One 16 year old girl whose parents had broken up and a gay lad who seemed to be going on some sort of anger rampage. Both from what I could deduce were angry because they couldn't express themselves. The girl was feeling like she couldn't trust anyone because her parents had broken her trust and the lad was venting his anger all the anger he had from being taunted about being gay at his nearest and dearest who had given him their full support. At first I thought it was going to be a little bit like wife swap when the family they'd chosen to take on the troubled teens turned out to be a strict Christian family in America. I had visions of the father and then gay teen coming to blows over his sexuality. They did come to blows but not over that and by the end of the programme I was left feeling that the American Christians weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. They actually genuinely cared about the teens.

Exterminate Exterminate!

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 21:25:00 +0100

Today I got up at the unearthly hour of 5.30. Rather too early for a Saturday morning if I do say so myself. I hopped on a coach with 2 diseased men (don't worry I did it of my own free will and they happened to be my OH and his mate¹) and headed for London. Our goal for today was to go and see the Dr Who exhibition at Earls Court before it closed down. We'd already had one near miss the weekend before and had had a reprieve (it was supposed to close on the 17th). We'd been told by friends that we'd LOVE it and we should definitely go and see it before it closed.

Our friends were spot on. I felt a bit like a kid in a candy shop cooing over all the models and costumes and even gave in to the temptation to impersonate a Dalek! They had a little Dalek with a microphone inside that kids could stick their heads in a Dalek and wiggle the plunger and egg whisk whilst shouting exterminate into the voice changer. I made it laugh manically like that deranged Dalek in this year's season finally whilst my other half made it order a Big Mac and fries. By far the funniest though was the bloke who swept his kids aside stuck his head in the Dalek and went "exterminate, exterminate!... Wow I'm talking like a Dalek... hehehe!" He was most definitely taking the opportunity to embrace his inner child. Sadly his children didn't see it that way and were giving him that look that all children with embarrassing parents do. The one that says dad will you stop being an a*se you're embarrassing us!

I also loved the fact that when we walked back to Earls Court Tube there was a real life police box waiting for us! I went all touristy then and we had to have a picture next to it!

The exhibition's on until 9th November so if you want to go then hurry up: Book now to avoid disappointment

1.That's mate of the friend persuasion not lover before you go getting any funny ideas. Although I have given him the nickname of "gym life-partner" given that they have joint membership (it was cheaper so why not?!)

Yargh the force be unleashed

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 20:45:00 +0100

As I blog my OH is sitting next to me playing happily on his new game for Playstation 3. He's spent the last week playing the demo of Stars Wars: The force Unleashed and pining for the full version. Luckily it was his birthday the other day so one of this mates (with a little help and hinting from me) reserved him a copy and gave him a gift voucher towards it.

I have to say it is rather a good game and reviews online were pretty good from the looks of it too. Although my OH now seems to have developed a like for picking people up by their throats and throwing them off the tops of buildings (that's the last time I leave him alone with Mr Vader while I make us a drink!).

Elsewhere in the world this mortal has been coming back up from a pretty depressing low. I won't bore you with the details suffice to say if you read yesterday's blog then you'll know why. One thing that has cheered me up though was spotting on my Zemanta feed that it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day and the people over at facebook have very kindly made facebook ever so piratey!

Gone but not forgotten

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 20:22:00 +0100

Today has been a pretty fraught day today. I awoke feeling gloomy remembering yesterday's interview and not having gotten the job. I mustered some spirit to switch on the laptop and check for more jobs and to think about filling out the application forms I'd still got to fill in for another job and the interview I have on Tuesday.

I'd just about perked myself up when I got a phone call. It was from one of the school's I'd assumed that the boat had sailed on when it came to interviews. They rang and said that it was really short notice but could I make an interview tomorrow. I paused for a second and said would it be O.k. to phone back only I had to check transportation arrangements. They said yes and said "oh and we'd like you to read a 30 minute story to a group of children you can use your own resources like puppets and things". Flashes of panic went through me and I could feel my blood pressure rising. I should be happy I had another interview right? Well I would be if they'd asked me any other day than today and if they'd given me more time.

I've spent the rest of today stressing over whether or not to say yes to it or not because I felt so under pressure and ill-prepared for it. I ended up saying no because it was hiking my stress levels practically to the same levels that they'd been before I'd had to defer my course. I tried to get myself back on track again by filling out the medical forms so I could get them in the post but that just depressed me further because I have to somehow explain I've been depressed without sounding like I could fall apart at any moment.

As if today couldn't be any more depressing, it marks the date 4 years ago that my granddad passed away. It's true what some people say about not realising what you've got till it's gone. He's left such a big hole in my life that I just don't know how to fill it. He died the day before I started university. I was packed off on my own to uni where I spent a week trying to cope with grief on my own with no friends. Making friends is hard to do when you're grieving and feel so alone and all you wish is that you could be at home with your family. I don't think I've ever properly had time to grief for him and I never will. Everyone else in my family seems to have moved past where I am and I can't talk to them about it. Especially my Nan. She has a new man now and she seems to be trying to rid her life of all things related to my grandad. What feels worse is that I used to be able to talk to her because she was alone too. We held each other together. But now she seems to have given herself permission not to do that. She told me when I visited her last that I'd told her that she had him now so she didn't need to talk to me as much. I don't ever remember saying that and if I did I never meant it I just wanted her to feel O.k.

I want to know when life is going to be good to me. There were two things that made me feel slightly happier today. My OH because he always makes me smile no matter what and a Post Secret card I found on an archive site that said something along the lines of "every story has a happy ending. If you're not happy yet then it's not the end". I'm keeping my fingers crossed that what they said is true.

On the dole again

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:02:00 +0100

Again today's blog is incredibly topical. I'm probably beginning to sound like a broken record talking about unemployment but when you've got no money and no job it's hard to positive about the job market.

I had another interview today. It was for a teaching assistant's post. The school was nice and I was feeling rather positive about my interview. I'd asked questions while I was given a tour and I think I asked meaningful ones whilst I was being interviewed. This time round I got to meet the competition. We were given a group tour. I was up against 2 women both of whom were older than me in their late 30's and early to mid 40's. One was the mother of one of the boys at the school and the other already a TA at another school. A real mixed bag. I felt a little like the experienced TA was favoured a little more on our tour. The person giving us the tour focused most of her dialogue towards her. I was the only one to ask questions on the tour.

Unfortunately I wasn't successful which made me rather down. This was mainly because they gave me feedback and part of that was about how I'd handled questions about me leaving a course I was on. That's a bit of an open wound subject with me still as the reasons surrounding it were the reasons for my stress and depression. Getting a job is supposed to be helping me to mend and to conquer it but at the moment it feels like the depression is what's holding me back from getting a job because it's putting employers off of me.

Having been crumpled by the discovery that I'd failed to get the job I decided to try and cheer myself up by popping my laptop on a looking for something to distract myself only to discover from the news feed on my OH's website¹ that unemployment has risen again in the U.K.² Just what I need. More people going after the jobs I want. It's hard enough loosing out to the few people I have come up against. Although apparently I have a very good application to interview ratio. It's practically 1/2. All I need to do now is work on the interview to job offer ratio.

Apparently the number of people claiming job seeker's has gone up 32,500 to 904,900². It's 904,901 in actuality at least as I'm unemployed but I've not claimed job seeker's yet. I bet there are tons more people out there like me as well. Maybe they should give jobs out on a first come first serve basis. I've got to be further up the queue than the 32,500 who've just joined. Although I don't fancy being number 872,401 in the queue!

Oh and happy birthday OH ;)

1. He has his own little portal site which is very useful indeed. Add it to your favourites if you like and if you spot a site that's not up on there give us a bell and I'll get him to add it!http://homepage.ntlworld.com/r.acton4/
2. BBC NEWS | Business | UK unemployment total rises again

The past, present and the future

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 17:26:00 +0100

Yesterday is History; Tomorrow a Mystery; Today is a Gift, that's why it's called the Present.

The independent ran an article¹ today on researchers discoveries about why we get less excited about presents the older we get. I thought this was quite topical considering it's my partner's birthday tomorrow and he'll be turning the grand old age of 35. According to the article it all hinges on how our brain handles rewards². Apparently 'scientists have discovered that a chemical in the brain governing the delivery and feeling of reward is altered physically as a person grows old'¹ and this is meant to explain why opening presents is less exciting the older you get.

It sounds credible I suppose that your brain does effect how you react to gifts and I'm sure everyone can admit to it not being as fun opening your presents on Christmas morning as it was when you were a child. I know I miss haring downstairs³ to dive into your pile of gifts that Santa had left. Maybe it's not just about the chemicals though; maybe it's just that our priorities change.

I've entered a stage now in my life where I ask for practical gifts of things I need. Last Christmas I got a vacuum cleaner and for my birthday the previous year I asked for a tumble dryer. All very practical presents which are very hard to get excited over. I did attempt to attempt to resurrect the childhood scene of playing with my presents on Christmas day by trying to Hoover the lounge carpet but that didn't go down so well with those occupying the lounge at the time. Whilst the gifts become less exciting they can I think become more meaningful.

Of course that all depends on what you're given. We've all had those presents that you've opened and wondered how on earth that person thought that gift would be appropriate to give to you but done the obligatory smile and uttered those immortal words of 'oh, that's lovely thank you'. If a gift is well thought out and chosen carefully with the person in mind then it will bring joy upon opening. Perhaps not the grabbing the ripping of childhood but a much deeper form of appreciation.

The older you get the more you look for gifts outside of the monetary and material. I've found the older I've got ⁴ the more i've appreciated the things that money cannot buy like having friends and family and a partner who loves me. And who says that I can't be excited about those gifts. I practically smiled myself to sleep after my first date with my partner. One of the greatest gifts I can think of is the gift of another life. How many new parents have you seen going gaga over their new gift?

So maybe it isn't just children that get excited over gifts. Maybe it's just that adults have didn't ideas about what a gift is and means. We've so many things to be excited about and to be thankful for. Like the saying goes. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. What do you have to be thankful for today.

1. Why presents become less exciting as you get older - Science, News - The Independent
2. Wow you don't say! I could have told them that without them spending any of my tax money. Does this mean that I hate exercise because my brain doesn't see it as rewarding, just exhausting?
3. Well maybe slowly plodding I was hardly an enthusiastic child having just woken up. For me the day doesn't start properly until about 3 hours after I've woken up so don't expect much of me pre-brunch.
4. Haha yes I know I'm only 22 and I'm making myself sound like an 82 year old but as my sister says I'm a granny at heart.

Neighbours

pinkymooo@hotmail.com (pinkymooo) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:44:00 +0100

Are you just that ever so little bit nosey like me and wonder what your next door neighbours house looks like on the inside? Hmm I thought so. I'm inquisitive about other things too.

Today I decided to have a nose and see who my next door neighbours were on blogger. I discovered one of 2 things. The first was that my neighbours seem to be foreign and the second was that if I refreshed then I got new neighbours. If only it were that simple offline. Don't like you're neighbours? O.K. nip back indoors and then when you pop back outside you'll have a new set. Wouldn't that be great! Of course there is a distinct possibility of that happening to me given one set of neighbours have their house up for sale.

Relationships with neighbours are odd things. When I moved house with my parents when I was five the neighbourhood was quite young so everyone was quite friendly and welcomed each other in. Over the years people came and went and there is only one set of neighbours who have stayed. The old neighbours you stay friends with but you don't seem to talk now since the children have grown and moved out and the new ones you pass on the street and say hi to (or complain at because their dog's peeing on your lawn) but you never really make that connection with like you did when the neighbourhood was new.

Nowadays even when the neighbourhood is new people don't seem to talk anymore. They keep themselves to themselves and that's that. I can always remember my Nan coming out with that classic phrase of 'back in the days when you could leave your back door open'. Back then people used to talk, they used to look after one another. I doubt now whether my neighbours would batter an eyelid if they saw someone going into my house that didn't look familiar or notice if they'd not seen me in a while. The sense of community has died.

I sometimes wonder whether that's the reason why so many people suffer from depression now. It's a saddening feeling loneliness. I wonder how many people would be cured if their neighbour just went round and knocked on their door and nattered for just ten minutes every week?