Life is a vacuum

This made me smile...and think...

2017-10-25T23:53:00.000-06:00

I apologize to any and all who already saw this on my Facebook. My friend posted this today. It is DEFINITELY not my own and I hope I'm not breaking any rules by posting it, but this did make me think and I wanted to share with you my deep (and not-so-deep) thoughts.

So, here's the deep thoughts--How and when and why did we ever get to the point that inspirational sayings make or break us? Beautiful pictures and sayings with rainbows and unicorn poop that make us feel good about ourselves...or at least, feel good about the crap happening in our lives?

Are we reduced to placations and platitudes? Is that what we've come to? And when others are also in a mess, do we think these help them? Are we helping the situation or trying to make ourselves feel better? And what's the problem if it's both?

We live in a "hi-fine" society, wherein when someone asks how we are, we feel compelled to say "fine". But what if it's not fine? I learned a while ago that I have the tendency to encapsulate my feelings. It works for survival, but is lousy for friendship. Those who have broken through my self-preservation realize that I say I'm fine when I'm not. I start spewing placations and platitudes, enough to start up any self-loathing that I've worked through in therapy.

So I have discovered that life here is not always good. Shocker, huh? And so it goes, some well-meaning person says something like "Don't worry...everything that happens passes through the arms of God"...as if that's supposed to make me feel better when my life falls apart. Or, "Hey, smile...you have Jesus"...when depression is grabbing at me and all I can muster is a prayer that I don't have to deal with this much longer.

Don't worry if you have said those things to me and please don't let it get awkward. I would rather have misplaced good thoughts than no thoughts at all, or malicious ones.

And now you realize why I don't sleep at night like I should. Because I see a funny thing like the aforementioned meme and I dissect it. Yes, I believe God is with me. If you don't, I'm okay with that...you can call it hope, or perseverance, or my little bit of solace. But so anyhow...yes, when we have nothing, there's something bigger out there.

But this picture is not made any more inspirational because we put that saying on it. Bottom line--no matter if God is all we have, cliff-sitting is dumb. Unless you like it and are safe, and then I don't judge you. Well...a little...who does that? I'm the one who watched EVERY SINGLE PERSON go through the Ropes course each time I did it. I did it...but waited to make sure no one died. I like the ground. I just don't want it coming to meet me at a fast speed.

Just as our well-wishes and thoughts are needed and appreciated, they don't make everything better, and for us to think so or act like it is just about as effective as putting nice words on this meme that makes no sense all together.

Yep, I'm overthinking...but if you know me, it's not really a surprise.

Until the next thought barrage hits me, be kind to yourself...sometimes you can be your own rescue. But make sure in the "hi-fine" society, that you don't end up isolating yourself.

Posting again...

2017-10-25T00:40:00.004-06:00

Random thoughts...

When I'm out shopping late and see others doing the same, it seems weird. Not for me to be shopping, but for others to be...Hmmmm....

Oh, I got free eggs today. Albertson's has this new app...ANNNND for the stuff that was out, the guy gave me rainchecks. Not half bad.

I don't know why I like shopping late at night. Maybe it's because it's more quiet, but somewhat busier, too. Or maybe I just like to think I've gotten out of the house for a moment.

I found K some concert wear tonight. Hope it fits her. I think it's much better getting stuff now than a night before a concert or performance. Which we do almost every time. So with my luck, because I planned in advance, nothing will fit.

Oh, if you have some extra thoughts/prayers to send, please send them K's way. She's having some medical tests done this week and next. Only took us a MONTH to get them scheduled. No matter the results, we have a plan but know our Creator has THE plan.

I TOLD you these were random thoughts.

Oh, and I've never yet been able to find out if penguins burp.

Oh my old friends...

2017-10-23T23:00:00.003-06:00

Oh...you thought I was talking about you? I'm talking about my friends anxiety, depression, despair. Why do I call them friends? They let me know I'm alive. That I'm fighting. That there's more to life than getting beaten over and over and over again.

I wish they didn't like me as much or show up unannounced as much as they do. You know THOSE type of friends. But yeah, I would like to see them every once in a while so I would know how my life has changed because of their existence. But I don't let ANY of my friends dictate what I do, who I see, what I feel...and I'm learning it's okay to do the same with anxiety, depression and despair.

Isn't it ironic?...Don't you think?

2015-08-11T14:08:00.001-06:00

Irony....life is very strange if you only have YOUR views and only listen to or appreciate the views that agree with you.

I must admit I didn't watch the debates the other day. I tend to believe that politicians will say anything and everything to get elected and then get amnesia the very first day of office. The irony about the debates is still bugging me and then more things added up since then, so of course I'm going to blog about it.

There were some inflammatory comments at the "main" debate--surprise, surprise. What I'm cracking up about is that the people who are yelling the loudest about the inflammatory comments are the ones who have said the very same type of comments about the commentator. So, let me get it straight...it's okay to say hateful things if YOU'RE the one saying them, but if someone who you don't even LIKE or agree with says similar, an apology is required to the SAME person you were just talking smack about the other day?!

Oh, irony...how you make me laugh! A while ago, I apparently pissed some people off because I stood up for someone who made some mistakes but didn't need to be bullied nearly as much as a group of adult women were bullying. As a result, some people whom I had supported in doing good things got mad at me and *oh the horror* BLOCKED me on facebook! Ack! I cried for days! Um, yeah, noooo...*NEWSFLASH*--high school ended years ago. What truly cracks me up is that today, I noticed one of these people commenting on a mutual friend's facebook...which means....oh goody!! I'm no longer "blocked". Life is now worth living. Now, off to block her! You see how it works? And, yes, I am using humor to drive in a point.

More irony...I try and live my life the way I should. I slip. I'm not perfect. But if you know me, you know 9 times out of 10, I will step up for the "little guy" and try and make sure justice is done as much as possible. I used to be involved in a lot of fundraising for people in need, but I have little tolerance for people who need help turning around and then being rude and mean. And, yes, I called someone on it. Go figure, I helped raise over $2000 between fundraisers and personal gifts to her and her family, I thought I could ask her why she thought she should be throwing stones when living in a glass house. You got it. BUHLOCKED!!! And there was an awesome haters club for a while. I almost joined under a pseudonym. But guess what? Irony hit again...because when I got sick and my family needed help, I didn't have to ASK for a fundraiser like she/they did. God and my awesome friends took care of me. Because, to quote an awesome literary genius *eyes rolling* "haters gonna hate, hate, hate hate hate....but I'm just gonna shake shake shake...shake it off".

And the irony of this post? Anyone who REALLY knows me knows that I hate it when people hate on me and my family and I DO lose sleep when I can't figure out what I've done to draw the hateraid. I've lived knowing someone I put YEARS of time and effort into has hurt me and my family by words and actions for a long time. I know what is being said about me...I know what is being told to friends about me and people I love. And it hurts. Bad.

So the irony is...these "petty" issues don't even bug me all that much in comparison to giving almost everything I have and love to try and save someone, and yeah, the irony is...I can save people I don't even know, and lose the one I needed to save the most.

So there it is....and one of the main reason I say Life Inhales.

Blog try #5329582305

2015-07-25T01:25:00.000-06:00

So, I have opinions, I just suck at posting them on a regular basis. My life has been a little more than "interesting" this past year, and I just barely make it from day to day sometimes without trying to figure out what I've done and to whom, that things are so messed at times. I guess I need to be okay without knowing. Trust the unseen. Know there's a plan. It's easier to say that than to live it in real life.

2014-02-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

I have said for a while that I am an equal-opportunity hater. I'd also like to think I'm a fair pisser offer. If you're mean, it doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, etc...I don't have time for you.

Well, hang onto your seatbelts, because here comes my latest rant and you may need to either hope the seatbelt holds, or that it gives and expels you into that great blue yonder.

So, here's my latest set of thoughts.

Be who you are and own it. Anything else, and I don't have time for you and your sniveling. If you're going to be straight, gay, bi, Christian, agnostic, atheist, other religion, homeschool, unschool, other school, prolife, prochoice, hunter, animal right activist, um, you get the point....OWN IT.

However, don't expect to be able to change my way of thoughts, very much in the same way I will respect your belief system and not try to change yours'. Unless you're a meanie poopie head. Then your arguments are invalid and don't count.

Please understand, when I say "own it" I don't mean "flaunt it" or "throw it in people's faces". There's something to be said about a deeply held conviction when you don't have to be ostentatious to prove you hold such.

I've warned for years that one should not bring me into an argument assuming I will be on one's side. To assume that is just as faulty as assuming that I am overweight because I am gluttonous. Both examples also would prove how much one truly does NOT know me.

So, I'm about to piss a lot of people off. I ran through this with my husband, and he teased that I may not have ANY friends after this. Actually, I hope this does make some people mad. At themselves.

Social issues that are dividing in nature should be kept under tight control. In other words, hold your convictions. Own them...but be careful in sharing them because you could isolate the very person you NEED beside you in times of desperation.

Here is where I start really stepping on toes, so if you don't want to know, stop reading here.

On such hot topics as gay rights and unions...if you're not gay, don't know any gays, don't love any gays, don't want to marry any gays, then you don't have an opinion and you need to zip it. Extending rights to people who just want to love each other will NEVER diminish the rights of anyone else trying to love each other. Now, on that same issue, unless you want me and MY honey playing grab-ass and tonsil-hockey in public in front of YOUR children, please do not do this in front of my kids, my family. I have NO need to bring my bedroom outside of my house. I am secure in our relationship and I hope you can obtain that same security in your relationship.

If you are liberal or conservative or just don't give a crap, please stay respectful. Such terms as "stupid" and words that tear down do not do anything to make your point. They make you sound uneducated and actually diminish whatever important issue to which you were trying to bring focus. Own your charisma, but really? Being mean? You are bigger than that.

Here's a personal issue...and, yes, I am going to go there....Abortion...Once again...this is a very personal choice....and if you don't have a uterus, or you could be a help to someone facing this decision, or you could be the other part of this decision making team...but if you don't know what it would be like, if you can't imagine it, than please, save your judgement. It is NOT yours' to decide. If you haven't ever been raped or faced a life-threatening issue when pregnant, please do not pretend that you would know what you would choose. And if you're not willing to take and raise a baby from a mother in a crisis pregnancy, please spare us your hate-mongering signs.

If you believe in Jesus, act like it. If you're a moral person, own it. If you have some brain inside your head, some version of right vs. wrong, be nice already. Your treatment of people far overweighs the beliefs you claim, and you may actually minimize your message the moment you open your mouth.

I'm not the moral compass--far from it. I mess up. I have made poor decisions in my life. But I have made far more positive decisions, and one thing I've learned is that all of us, as long as there's breath in our lungs, have a chance to change our destiny. But all of us should have the chance to live the life we want. If we're not hurting anyone, what can it hurt? I'm fully expecting that all of us will have to answer for our decisions in the end, and it's an individual appointment. No one will be there with you. Here on earth, though, think of it this way....if you wouldn't want it forced on someone else...don't force it on anyone else. You're not going to be the one to have to answer for anyone else...so just be kind to your fellow earth inhabitants.

Frustration, aggravation, and.....

2013-07-24T00:40:00.003-06:00

life....

Life....big surprise...

2013-07-24T00:40:00.002-06:00

You know that point in your life where you want to just crawl in bed and not wake up?

....Yeah.....that.......

"Tired" doesn't even come close....

2013-07-14T14:55:00.001-06:00

If you know someone with a chronic illness, give them a hug. They need it. Trust me. Unless a hug would hurt them...then give them a fist bump, a nod, a wave...some acknowledgement that you SEE their journey.

Right now, "tired" doesn't even come close to describing how I feel.
Take a pillow....beat the living TAR out of it...and expect it to keep its shape. That's close to how I feel.

I keep pushing....for my family's sake. No one asked my kids if they wanted to be born to a mother with multiple chronic illnesses. No one told my husband there'd be more "sickness" than "health" in our marriage. No one asked my momma if it would be okay that I didn't have enough energy to pick up the phone after a day of dealing with life. I push through things for my friends' sake, too....everyone is too good to me....too understanding, too loving, too nourishing and friendly. Even when I'm at my worst.

When I don't have "enough"....how do I keep accepting what life gives? I titled this blog "Life is a vacuum" because truly, I have moments that literally SUCK and then those that are so wonderful they take my breath away.

B was teasing in church today that I was okay because I was caffeinated and medicated. Sad thing is, he's right. That's about the only way I can face the world lately. One of my clients complains that life isn't fair. I'm about to tell him to pull up a spot for me to join his party.

So, why keep going? I know this world is not my home. The answers I'm given with this life are not "the final answers". I have the hope of eternity with Christ. I don't know why this journey is not easier...for me, or for many of my friends...

I have to know that some day, I will hear my Father say "Well done, enter into rest"....and then I won't be tired....anymore....

until that day comes, though....

Life as I know it....

2013-07-14T00:47:00.000-06:00

So, I was talking (well, chatting on facebook) with a friend of mine the other day and it dawned on me I had not updated my blog in forever and 50 gabajillion days.

I went back and read my blog entries, and you know something? They weren't half bad. Almost therapeutic. Probably cheaper than my anxiety meds and antidepressants....oy....

So here's my attempt...again, at blogging.

I don't know what I'm doing. My life is still as big of a mess as it was the last time I started blogging. The last posts were when my life was starting to fall apart. And they read that way, too. We were just told we had to do something my body, my heart, and my soul were saying we shouldn't....right after my birthday...and crappy things happen around my birthday, so I knew this wasn't going to be good.

I have to admit...almost 2 years later, I have nothing new to report. As expected, our family fell apart. I could've saved "the system" tons of money, time and effort, and our family a bunch of pain if people would've listened to me in the first place.

"you were right" rings very shallow now.

I don't want to be right. For once in my life, I wish I was wrong. I wish I could make things all better. But I can't. My daughters still cry themselves to sleep sometimes. They still don't know whether to include her in their drawings, their pictures, their stories, their lives. Crazy thing is, she's still alive...they still talk to her, sometimes....so how do you mourn someone who's not gone?!?

It doesn't seem right. Nothing does.

So much time and energy. Wasted. Everyone says "oh, don't worry...one day it'll work out".

And then, stupid me....I have to go check things out...and yes, things are as bad as they look....which doesn't make me happy...doesn't satisfy me, and doesn't make me know I made the right decision...

It's not like I feel alone...I don't. At times I wish I WAS alone....because my inability to handle things tore apart a family....MY FAMILY....

Yes, I did all I could, we all did....Mental illness stole a family member....and sometimes, it threatens to grow in strength and steal me, too.

But I can't, I won't let it. I've fought too hard...for me, for my family....

Trying....

2012-01-11T13:26:00.000-07:00

Need some serious prayers throughout the next few days. Will post more later, but I feel this part summarizes this best...."We're just going to have to trust God and the experts that things are ready".....

Glimpse into my heart right now

2011-11-06T05:30:00.002-07:00

When there's more questions than answers and no end in sight, how do you deal with a loss that isn't there yet is so palpable it's like someone cut out your heart?

And please, if you mean well and are going to say something about the Lord and His will, I just don't see that any of this was in His plan at all....and if so, there's the "more questions" part of the situation.

I've heard people say He allows stuff to make us stronger...I don't need anymore strength. To make us bigger...I don't need to be bigger...His thoughts are higher...well, this seems pretty dadgum low to let a family be split, but not all the way and not sure if there is a split and for how long, and can someone please explain all this to my littles?

I'm okay with my questions...it's THEIR responses to what's going on that's killing me....and because there's no solution or resolution, it's like a gaping wound.

I guess I need peace, or understanding...or grace... or something. I know I don't NEED to understand His will...I just would like to know where His will is in any of this and how to maneuver my day to day when part of our lives are deeply and desperately missing, of very little fault of our own. And I know as smart as you my friends are, none of you would even pretend to know that. So I guess we just still need prayers.

Reasons why you may NOT want to sit next to us at a soccer game!

2011-10-29T20:05:00.001-06:00

Said by me: #7, keep your leg down!

Said by my husband: Ref, if you're going to have that thing in your mouth, you might as well use it!

Said by my father-in-law: Who the heck are these people and why do I have their children?!

communi-tee outreach (sorry, I had to)

2011-10-24T16:24:00.000-06:00

Songear.com has asked that some bloggers help them get their name out there. This is the first review I am going to do, so please let me know if I do it right or wrong or if there's something I need to put. I may or may not get a t-shirt for doing this, but I like the site for Christian t-shirts and I always get distracted when I'm about to order because there's like 50 gajillion designs I like there. They have all different sizes and are very comparable in price to other t-shirt sites I've seen. I have like a total of 10 followers to my blog, so I don't know how helpful I'll be, but you never know!

What I want right now....

2011-10-17T21:54:00.000-06:00

A very sloppy burger with cheese. And french fries. And a really huge soda.
No regrets.
Until tomorrow when I check my blood sugar.
Because I'm a rebel like that.

things that make me want to cry

2011-10-17T20:27:00.000-06:00

When I see my children following footsteps they think are "normal" to follow.

When I run up and try and grab them away from the footsteps, not realizing that in doing this,

I'm automatically labeling the footsteps they are in as "wrong"

When I'm part of the reason the footsteps exist in the first place.

I spend all day trying to "help" keep the peace around here
And then I realize, I'm part of the problem,
And if I just let the process go, my husband, my coparent
Deals with it just fine.
And by jumping in, I may have just diminished his authority in the view of our children.

I realize we are hurting. We're hurting bad. We're trying, but we're human.

We have intense feelings of rejection and misunderstandings right now.

Anytime we reach out, it seems like someone has a solution, an idea, a way to do it better.

But no one comes alongside us to walk this rough road with us.

And it just adds to the hurt, the frustrations, the pain. The things that make me want to cry.

Rules of my heart...

2011-10-09T05:25:00.000-06:00

Just because you love them...
...does not mean you will get love shown back....
...does not mean you will not get hurt...
...does not mean they will not leave you...
...does not mean they will make smart decisions...
...does not mean they will grow up and make you proud.

When they...

...do not show you love in return...

...hurt you...

...leave you...

...do not make smart decisions...

...make you feel ashamed as they grow up...

It doesn't mean you didn't love them with EVERY fiber of your being.

When I tell you...
...it hurts to keep loving when love is not shown in return...
...it hurts when you hurt me...
...it hurts when you leave me...
...it hurts when you do not make smart decisions...
...it hurts when I feel ashamed as you grow up...
Believe me, that does NOT diminish the amount of love I have for you.

But when I...

...hold you at arms' length so I can't tell when my love is being denied...

...walk away before your words or actions can hurt me...

...don't let you back in so you have another chance to leave me...

...don't want to hear about your decisions that are only going to hurt you and the ones who love you...

...cry as you grow up and deliberately walk away from the way you were raised...

Please respect me as I learn and grow and mourn the losses from my expectations and my needs.

I cannot walk away from what I need even as I'm trying to learn what you think you need. I do love you, but sometimes loving someone means learning to love oneself enough to know ones own limitations. If such behavior is not labeled as "selfishness" on your behalf, then I am taking such limitations and expectations and applying them to my life. I am learning my limitations/expectations as I am learning yours' and I hope one day we will be able to again show and live the love we have/had for each other.

Inhale sharply....because life is a vacuum....

Searching for new placement....

2011-10-09T04:55:00.000-06:00

About 12 ZsuZsu pets that "decided" at 4:30 AM to activate....yes, all of them.

And for some reason, I am awake. I have been asleep for HOURS at the computer, and I woke up about 4 AM. I am TRYING to get back to sleepiness to be able to finish out the night.

Oh, the random noises coming from these "things"....

If you ever want to have a heart attack and pee your pants all at the same time...Put about 12 of them together and have just ONE of them go off for some reason. If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about, I will be GLAD to loan you a bunch. Right now. Just tell me in which direction I need to aim them.

Now please excuse me while I go calm my heart down and go practice my Kegel exercises! Although you do find out rather quickly exactly what is in your heart when this happens. I'm doing okay right now!

File under: moments that take your breath away...literally....HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

What I need

2011-10-04T11:36:00.000-06:00

I need the world to stop revolving around one person whose axis is so screwed up it throws us all off as we go round and round. Just in case anyone cares.

I have the most supportive friends ever

2011-10-03T17:46:00.001-06:00

Today's obviously been a rough day. My friends are rallying around me. Just got this sent to me on facebook, tagged so I would find it easily. Now, it's snagged, so I hope I'm okay in posting it, but I just feel so stinking loved right now, I have to brag on the friends Jesus gave me!

Love you, Kacy....and ALL my other friends who have been a huge hug from the Father God to me today...with scripture verses, encouragement, phone calls, texts, facebook messages and everything!

And then...the moments that take your breath away....

2011-10-03T17:21:00.000-06:00

...when your 5 and 6 year old go racing through the house singing at the top of their lungs "you get knocked up, you get back up again....you may be knocked up but not there forever"....

...in praying to ask Jesus to forgive them for being mean to sister...."and Jesus help me to....K..shut UP, I'm talking to Jesus about you!"

...on a 3 hour trip....E: we there yet? Me: no. E: okay, I'll be patient. ONE minute later E: we there yet?

B in homeschooling the kids is teaching them Bible verses and concepts....In Ephesians, it talks about honoring your parents. The kids HAVE that concept down, that they're supposed to TRY and do that. What they REALLY understand is the next part....Father's don't exasperate your children....K last night "but you DO THAT all the time, daddy"....so we're having to tune that concept up again in that repeatedly asking for obedience and causing frustration is NOT exasperation!

...at the end of a rough day...E: I love you mommy. And of course, I forgot to say it. E: MOMMY, I SAID I LOVE YOU, are you forgetting something?. So I say "I love you, too darlin'." She gets me EVERY TIME...E: I love you mostest, but guess who loves you more than me? Thaaaaaaaaat's right momma...Jesus does, and don't you forget it!

My ecumenical child

2011-10-03T17:02:00.000-06:00

We were passing by a home last night that has electric candelabras in each window.

K: I wonder if they celebrate Honolulu? You know, that holiday we don't celebrate?

Um, yeah, it took us a while, too!

Most powerful song in my life at this time.

2011-10-03T15:24:00.000-06:00

And yes, I cried like a baby at church yesterday when they played it. I'm a mess.

my life...in a nutshell...or my life IS a nutshell? Can't figure that out

2011-10-03T14:45:00.000-06:00

Wow...if I told you 1/2 of our summer's journeys, you wouldn't believe it.

I had posted back in July, and just was reminded by one of my dearest friends ever, that I had better blog or I was in danger of exploding and taking out this side of the US with my fall-out.

I may joke/complain/urgh about being a momma, but it is truly one of the best jobs I have ever been given. If you decide to keep reading, please keep that in mind. I LOVE all my children. The rest of this post is NOT a pleasant one. Please read and heed the warning. I'm blogging so I don't explode, seriously.

HUMONGO WARNING HERE....TOUCHY SUBJECTS..DO NOT READ AND THEN COME BACK AT ME EVER ABOUT WHAT YOU READ!!! JUST STOP READING NOW.

For some background: I was told I was infertile. When I met my husband (this time around) his daughter was 4. I knew there were issues...I know "that side of the family"....But I was thrilled to be blessed with a child. While we were dating, I read all the "blended family" and "boundary" and "step family" information there was. I was understanding when we had to shorten dates to get his daughter medicine. I kept my mouth shut when his ex, whom I'd known for years told me she didn't care "who the eff ex dated as long as he paid the bills" and "she only kept the brat around because she paid bills".

Major issues. But I'm in love. I STILL AM in love. But 10 years later, we are still dealing with same issues. Except now they're uglier and more poison, and are evil and threatening. The 4 year old who used to throw fits is now throwing THINGs. While she used to scream, now she's cursing, cutting, journaling VILE things and running away from home. What used to be protective lying behavior because her "mom can't live without" her is now, well, I don't know. She's either a really good liar, really good forgetter, has very severe PTSD or is a spoiled brat to beat all spoiled brats and is pissed because she's not getting exactly what she wants WHEN she wants it....or all of those altogether.

B & I have been married now for 8 years. In those 8 years, I have had 5 police reports on my behalf against D's mom. D's mom (BM=birthmom) has attempted to get B and I fired, she has turned in my nursing license, discontinued our cellphones, turned off our home utilities, had my van surrounded by SWAT response with my child in the van.....needless to say, despite all efforts, BM and I are not nor will be, friends. She also has DESERTED her child with us multiple times, and we had been raising D for the past 2 years without any sort of support or interest from BM except that which D initiated through contact. I'm not even saying 1/2 of what's gone on....

Oh, and guess what...we FOUGHT to add more children to this relationship. We beat infertility and added K and E, who are now 6 and 5 to this mess. I love D and I love my husband, B, but there is NO WAY in the friggen WORLD that I would have ever added children to this if I knew we'd still be going through this. There is absolutely NO WAY I knew what I was getting into. And NO WAY would I have entered or stayed in, or brought more children in if I knew we'd still be here.

And, there's no WAY you can change my mind on that. So please don't bother.

I have had some of the most well-meaning people....best friends and family call me a lousy mother, tell me I was wrong for staying in this relationship, all but decide what was "right" for me and the littles....but a family is EVERYONE in it...so we're trying to keep the FAMILY together while ONE person is trying DESPERATELY to tear it apart because she can't feel safe in her own skin.

And even though she's not currently IN our home right now, due largely to actions of HER doing, she is STILL bringing the drama, and bringing in many others, too. Granted, a lot of issues in her life are because of things that were done TO her....but NOT by us. I HAVE dealt with children/teens in crisis before. I've dealt with angst-filled teens before...this is SOOOOO beyond me, beyond us, beyond our whole team.

I seriously do NOT see the light at the end of this tunnel right now. And please...even as supportive as I know my friends are...please do NOT right now tell me that she will wake up one day and appreciate/understand all I have done and will become a miraculously wonderful person. Because she IS a miraculously wonderful person RIGHT NOW...she just WILL NOT see it and proceeds to drag a big black paint-brush over everything beautiful in her life.

I'm hoping to jot this down to get some of my own feelings out of the way. I think it's wonderful that all these people "within the system" are telling B and I that we are wonderful parents and have a wonderful home and are doing wonderful *gag, barf* things within our family and we have wonderful children....it is strangely validating....and it makes me want to apologize to anyone I've ever wondered about when their children "mess up"....but right now, my THIRD most important job in the world (1st-daughter to God, 2nd-wife to B, 3rd, mother to D, K, E) is failing, and I'm not strong enough to pull it together. She's exhibiting team-splitting behaviors now, trying to sabotage any and every good thing that could come out of this.

We need prayers for strength in the journey, or wisdom to know when enough is enough and when we need to just give up. :(

Yes, this is definitely a "vacuum" entry.

Trying to figure out what to say...

2011-07-20T23:55:00.000-06:00

Well, that's not exactly it. I have a LOT I could say... a lot has happened....a lot is in my heart.

I guess I'm trying to figure out who needs to know what, when, where, and how much.