This mark in time causes me to mourn in some strange, small way, but it mainly just gives me chills to think about how fast the time is going. And I thought it went by fast before I had Lanie. Now, the expression “time flies” resonates with me like never before. She’s talking, she’s sitting, she’s crawling. One tooth, two, three, four…I’m just so grateful I can experience her as she grows and changes in person. When I am away, I rejoice in her growth, beauty and life through texts, videos, pictures and conversations with her amazing mother, Angie.

When I say amazing, I mean amazing, by the way. I was actually thinking about her tonight and so I called her and we talked about my latest crush and about the hard work that goes into being a mom, and about this and about that. What had been on my mind before calling her, however, was an overwhelming sense of gratitude and awe of her as I thought about what it must be like to be an adoptive mom in an open adoption such as this. I really was struck with it—and not for the first time.

This is a mother who was not able to conceive her children on her own, carry them in her womb. So here she is, raising and shaping this sweet boy and these three sweet girls who were carried in someone else’s. I am sure H and K (the other birthmothers in this big crazy open adoption family of mine) would say the same of Angie when I say that in caring for Lanie, she is literally caring for a part of me. She is not only Lanie’s angel, but mine, and I will always be bursting with gratitude for her.

What stirs the awe and gratitude in me, too, is when I think about she is loving Lanie whole-heartedly, as her own, knowing that there is someone else out there (me) who also loves Lanie whole-heartedly, and as “her own.” I try to put myself in her shoes, imagining what it would be like to know that there was someone else out there who loves my daughter as much as I do and carried her for 9 months in her womb…someone who is also going to know my daughter and have a personal relationship with her as the mother who gave her life. This just can’t always be easy.

So anyway, bottom line is, I love Angie. And Alex too!! (I love you too, Alex, you hear! And I am just as grateful for you and in awe of you as Lanie’s daddy. I just can’t put myself in your shoes as much, because, well, you’re a dude. : )).

Here are some recent pictures of Lanie girl crawling, sitting, and being the beautiful, beautiful baby that she is : )

Do you ever have those moments where you are so utterly struck by some thought that you think, “If there were ever a good time to journal it would be now.”? Or maybe you don’t like to write, but you have moments every now and then where you think, “Yes. This is why life is beautiful.” Well, I pulled out of the hospital parking lot this morning in one of these moments. As far as I know, there was no one staring at me at the traffic light, but in case there was… they would have been 1) disappointed to not have caught me digging for gold like I usually do at traffic lights (JUST kidding), and 2) curious as to what on earth was going through my head because I guarantee my face this morning as I was pulling out of the hospital was some kind of joyful expression–not typical after working the 12, 13, sometimes 14 hr graveyard shift. My face was alive because my heart was alive. Because this funny thought occurred to me and that funny thought was this: Even though I am not the one changing Lanie’s every diaper, feeding her however many times a day, soothing her when she cries, rocking her to sleep every night, and so on, and so on… Even though I am not the mother in Lanie’s world who is giving everything she has and pouring her life into raising her (that would be Angie), somehow, I feel like I am living for her. I feel like Lanie is part of my drive, my motivation…for living, for working, for striving to be a better person. I describe this thought as “funny,” because what caused me to enter into this pensive, grateful, joyful, thankful-for-Lanie mode this morning, was simply the thought of my next visit to GA and how it is less than a month away. Then that thought lead to this thought: “My job sucks, I’m not sure I can last another month.” And that thought lead to this thought…. “But with this job, I can fly to see you Lanie!! And rent a car. And be in your life…Work is going to be okay tomorrow, Lanie, and the next day, and the next day…cause it allows me to come see you!” Thoughts of Lanie lou got me through that tough moment. This might all sound simple and obvious…you know, the fact that my having a regular, decent-paying job allows me to work regular trips to GA into my budget… but for me… it translates into something so much more. Thoughts like these remind me of the love I have for Lanie. It’s that mother’s love yo.

It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve been thinking about you all day. You started saying “ma-ma” yesterday, which I was happy to hear about. Sad, too, cause it’s not me you’re talking to. I’ve been bracing myself for this news though, and I’m doing okay with it. Better than I thought I would be doing.

I’m working tomorrow. I think in some ways, this is a blessing, because Christmas this year is hard. I just want to be with you. I want to kiss your cheeks Christmas morning, hold you up and exclaim “Merry Christmas” to sweet you for the very first time. I want to hold you and nurture you like Mary nurtured Jesus! So incredible that he started out as a babe just like you.

I carried you inside me for months, and I want you to know how much I wish I could keep carrying you now that you are in the world, growing more beautiful each day. I know some may think that I could have chosen to keep carrying you, and if I wanted to, why didn’t I. I know some day we will talk face to face about this, but for now I just want to say that the choice I made to have Angie and Alex raise you had nothing to do with me not wanting to.

In fact, if someone were to ask me today what my greatest wish is, I would say that I wish it could have been me. I wish it could have been God’s plan for me to raise you and somehow have Alex and Angie and Bella and Beckett and Gracie be in our lives too. Cause I can’t imagine life without them now. But Lanie, after you were born and I came so close to changing my mind and scratching the whole adoption plan, I had so many people praying for me. I prayed, and I had people praying that God would give me a clear sense of His plan for you, that He would help me see how He wanted it all to work out. And He did. He gave me a sense of the future and blessed me with great peace as I thought about you being raised by Angie and Alex. But I also knew that I was never going to stop wishing you were mine to raise.

And so this Christmas, I wish you were with me. And I wish yesterday, when you started saying “ma ma ma ma ma,” that you were talking to me.  I’m ok, though, because I sure do love your momma Angie, and it makes me happy for her, and for you, when I think of the bonding you are doing and the relationship you will share. Is it possible to be equally happy and sad about something at the same time? Yes it is. That is me right now.

My grandma came over for Christmas Eve brunch this afternoon, and I showed her the picture book I made of you. (Well, Shutterfly made it, really. : )) I could tell she wishes you were in her life. She could not get over how beautiful you are. She said maybe someday mom, my mom, might get to meet you. I think she will. : ) Well, she met you the day you were born of course, but I think you’ll meet again. : ). She loves you, you know. I think she misses you this Christmas too. I know your aunt Bonnie does.

Okay, Lanie dear. Sleep tight tonight. Santa’s coming!! Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…

I love you baby girl.

Love,

Me

Lanie is now eating rice cereal. She’s hangin out in her exer-saucer. She’s continuing to laugh and giggle and make all sorts of priceless, baby facial expressions that melt my heart. She is also sleeping in her crib now! Her first Christmas stocking ever has been ordered—it is a ballerina stocking with her name on it. I told Angie I wanted a picture of it course, along with lots of other “My first Christmas” pictures!

Christmas, I imagine, will be hard this year. Not being able to be with Lanie on her first Christmas…there’s a bit of a pit in my stomach as I think about it. I know I am going to be wishing I could teleport to wherever Lanie and co. will be this December 25^th . We long to be with family on Christmas right?

While I won’t get to hold my baby this Christmas and sing Christmas songs to her throughout the month of December—Joy to the world the Lord is come! I’mmm dreaming of a white Christmas. Away in a manger no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head…– I do get to visit her this holiday season, and I am grateful for that. The tree and decorations will be up, I will get to see her in the sweet Christmas outfit I bought for her and experience the joy that will surround her on that day we celebrate the birth of Christ our Savior.

Along with the Christmas outfit I picked out for Lanie, I recently ordered a special children’s book I think I will give to her this year, though she won’t be storybook age for a couple more years. It’s called “On the Night You Were Born” by Nancy Tillman. There are lots of books out there narrated by an adoptive mother, but none narrated by a birthmother that I know of. This makes sense when you think about it—it would probably be confusing for children to have their (adoptive) mothers read stories to them narrated by their (birth) mothers, don’t you think? But this is a book Angie can read to Lanie that won’t be confusing. It just talks about how wonderful the world became, and how all the animals and nature responded on the night she was born. (She was actually born just after midnight.) It is beautifully written, with magical pictures. I won’t put the whole book up on here, but here are a couple snippets for you:

On the night you were born,

the moon smiled with such wonder

that the stars peeked in to see you

and the night wind whispered,

“Life will never be the same.”

Because there had never been anyone like you…

ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain

That they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

The sound of your name is a magical one.

Let’s say it out loud before we go on.

 …

Not once had there been such eyes,

such a nose,

such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

In fact, I think I’ll count to three

so you can wiggle your toes for me.

 …

So whenever you doubt just how special you are

And you wonder who loves you, how much and how far,

Listen for geese honking high in the sky.

(They’re singing a song to remember you by.)

Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo.

(It’s because they’ve been dancing all night for you!)

Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind.

(Listen closely…it’s whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day,

Or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,

Or a little bird sits at your window awhile,

It’s because they’re all hoping to see you smile…

Etc. : ) Isn’t that so incredibly sweet? Almost brings tears to my eyes!

I have some other things to give Lanie too. I have a couple things to give her when she gets much older, a shirt for next fall, and a present for her 1^st birthday. I know I can’t get too carried away, but I love picking things out for her. I light up when I run into toy stores and I think about how some day, I might buy her a potholder making kit, or a doll. Materials do not equal love, and just like our bodies and all the *stuff* of this world, they will not endure forever. Stuff is not what counts. However, gifts are a way for me to express my love for Lanie, since I can’t be there to express it in person each day.

So I am friends with my daughter’s sister’s birthmother on facebook– totally normal right? And she posted a picture of Grace, her daughter, and captioned it, “My favorite person in the entire world.” When I saw this I thought, sounds about right. Grace is her favorite person in the whole entire world, and Lanie is mine. And I just had to stop and think on this for a minute. Isn’t it profound? These are our favorite people in the entire world…These little ones, from before they were born, captured our hearts and drew us into one of the most, if not the most profound human relationship that exists. So yeah, Christmas this year will be different. Every Christmas I’m not with her might be.

Can I just say that my relationship with Angie is something special and God has given me such joy for her and the fact that she has been blessed to enter into this profound relationship with Lanie-lou—this mother-daughter relationship that is like no other relationship. I can’t lie, it is hard for me to think of how she gets to hold Lanie in her heart AND in her arms every day, but God has filled me with happiness for her–and for Alex–more than anything.

Certain days of the year might be harder for me than others. Some of them I might see coming, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, her birthday. Others might take me by surprise, but I know my peace will remain through all the hard days; Even if I don’t always feel it, it will be there, because, as I have speculated with Angie before, while it is certainly not easy, this is the way He is writing our story. And His stories are the best stories. Plus I can just feel it in my bones. Lanie and I, we are on the right page, in the right book. Amen. Word to your birthmother.

Here’s Lanie the monkey, Lanie the cat and Lanie the zebra : )

Here she is eating rice cereal for the first time. Apparently she really liked it! (Angie sent me a video of this which I’ve watched over a hundred times now if I had to guess.)

And here she is in blue…she looks good in it right??

This is a picture of Lanie waking up in her crib for the first time… if you look closely you can tell she was not a happy camper!

The corners of my lips are slightly upturned and my eyes are smiling. This moment is one of warm contentment. I ponder my sweet Lanie and can feel some sadness in my soul, but I’m okay with it being there. It has its place, its part in my story. It fits in where it should, but it’s not the main thing. The main thing is this joy in me–this joy I’ve been so blessed with yet have done nothing to deserve. This joy comes from knowing my Savior and IT is the main thing, the bigger part of my story. Thank you Jesus.

Since my last post, I have a) visited Lanie again and b) started a new job. It is my very first nursing job and I wonder if I have breathed at all over the course of the past couple months. It has not been easy work. There have been days where I have come *this* close to hopping on the elevator in the middle of my shift, pressing B for basement, walking to my car, and driving away from the hospital never to return. But I tell myself to just keep putting one foot in front of the other–or I pray for the strength to, really.

Now about my Lanie visit! It was some more of the sweetest time ever. My visits never feel long enough! I spent the first 2 days with Andrea (dear friend and person who connected me with Lanie’s a-family! I need write more on that sometime…gotta do it) and the kids. Then the next two days I hung w Lanie and co : ). She is the saWEETEST thing ever. Note: any time I am describing Lanie on here, I guarantee I am extremely frustrated in the process because there are just NO words that capture how special she is to me or how much I love her or how much I love being with her…how she makes my heart go thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump. No words come close!!

It was another visit filled with beautiful moments and precious time spent holding her, feeding her, admiring her, changing her, kissing her, loving her…with the addition this time of experiencing her smile and talk a whole lot more AND laugh!! Oh I got to take her on a walk in her stroller too!! I don’t want these baby days to end.

Yesterday, I visited Ella, a little 4 year old whom I have babysat from the time she was 6 months old. When I arrived at her house, the new nanny hadn’t told her I was coming so when she saw me she stopped in her tracks, dropped her jaw, dropped her toys and ran and jumped in to my arms. She almost knocked me over. I teared up instantly. It was just too sweet. I felt so special! Later on, I got sad thinking about how Lanie probably won’t have the same reaction to me when I come to visit her as a 4 year old. I won’t be spending every day all day with her like I did with Ella for such a long time. I hope she gets a little excited, at least!! Sigh.

Now for some recent pics of Lanie girl!! Oh and a poem I wrote in the shower cause I had the song stuck in my head….

“L” is for the longing in my hearrrrrt

“A” is for the awe that you inspiiiiiire

“N” is never ever doubt my love goes on forever

“IEEEE” is how I feel whenevr’ I’m on my way to see ya…

HA! Can you tell I’m a major dork?

Now pics. : ).

This is Lanie and me over at Andrea’s for a professional 4 month photo shoot! (Thank you Andrea!!) She got so many amazing pictures of Lanie in different adorable outfits. In some of the pictures she is wearing a dress that I wore as a baby! She also got some incredible pictures of Lanie, Angie and me together…They are pretty special. I will have to share some of them when they’re ready. : ).

Some more…

Lanie in her bumbo seat! Love her face in the second pic down : -p

This is Lanie in her carseat hangin out on the side of our table at the sushi restaurant…(Sushi=huhmazing. You’re gonna love it some day Lanie I just know you are ; ) ). Lanie got to have a girls night with Andrea, Angie and me that night : ) She stayed awake the whole time just kickin her chubby legs around and messing with her blanket and smiling and talking and being a baby : )

Here’s Angie and Lanie : )

Andrea and Lanie : )

And lastly THIS…is Lanie’s bottle. Yes I took a picture of her bottle. I mean is that not the cutest bottle??

Ohhh….goodness. : ). Have a good night!!

I can’t possibly describe in words the joy and love and admiration that stirred inside me upon watching the video Angie sent me of Lanie laughing a few days ago. She sent me another one of her smiling and talking, too and she is soooo sweet and cute and precious and every other word of adoration you can think of!! I mean wow. No words! You’ll probably hear me say this a lot, but man do babies grow fast! It is hard for me to believe that just two months ago you had to sort of work to get her to smile, but now she is smiling all over the place, and even cracking up over “boo’s” and “achoo’s.” I can’t wait to get my butt back down to Georgia!!

Whenever I am sent new pictures, or videos or any other Lanie updates, there is always, of course, some mix of bitter and sweet. Some days, there’s more of the sweet and less of the bitter, and some days it is hard to focus on the sweet the way I want to because the sadness weighs so heavily.  I’m not sure there is anything I can attribute these varied responses to, such as my mood or surroundings. I might be in a melancholy, rainy-day state of mind one day, yet able to smile my way through a new album of pictures without crying. Another day, one text could prompt a full-body response and the next thing I know I am hugging my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth on my bed, missing her.

While the nature of my emotional responses to things relating to Lanie might be unpredictable these days, one thing is certain, and that is I am better off feeling my way through them rather than trying to block them out. And this goes for any difficult emotion I face. If I notice a lump in my throat, I won’t ignore it. I acknowledge the lump, I sit with it, maybe even have a conversation with it. “Hi, lump.” Ok kidding. But I try to pay attention to the lump. If a new video of Lanie makes my chest cave in and my shoulders jerk forward and I am suddenly having a difficult time seeing the screen in front of me as my eyes begin to fill with tears, I’m going to cry. I’m not going to try to stifle anything. I’m going to feel.

My dance teacher and good friend said something that resonated with me as I spoke with her on the phone back in May, just days after leaving the hospital. She said “Holly, if you have to cry, cry. Don’t be afraid to mourn Lanie. She’s worth every tear.” I could not agree with her more. Honestly, sometimes it feels good to cry, because my tears for Lanie mean so much more to me than mere sorrow. They are an expression of my love for her.

This might seem like a depressing post-it’s not meant to be. I am peaceful and almost smiling as a write it. Over the past couple days I have received a handful of updates on sweet Lanie and this has me reflecting on my reactions to them and the emotions they have stirred in me. Once again, my conclusion is that the joy that fills my soul with every update, no matter how great or small, is worth any amount of accompanying pain. So keep them coming Angie! : )

Now for some recent pictures!!

Lanie and her daddy (kind of obsessed with this picture):

Spit bubbles are generally gross, but somehow cute when they’re comin outta your baby!!
“Auntie Andrea” paid Lanie a visit and Angie got some really sweet shots of the two of them : ) Andrea is a dear friend of mine who helped lead me to Angie and Alex! She’s down in GA just about 20 min away from my heart… : ) Yet another person I get to live vicariously though : ) 

Lanie and Frankie-baby, one of Andrea’s 4, soon-to-be-5 little tikes…We’re thinking we might have to bring back the arranged marriage…

I remember an email I sent her a while ago, shortly after Lanie was born, saying how I felt like I was being a high-maintenance birthmom, but that I would like to know the first time she…get ready for this…smiles, lifts her head and shoulders, sleeps through the night, sleeps in her crib, pulls herself up, plays with her feet, holds a toy, points to something, moves on all fours/crawls, stands up alone, walks with help, walks by herself, eats baby food, holds a spoon, drinks out of a cup, eats solid food, laughs, runs, goes up stairs, jumps, dances, waves goodbye, claps her hands. I would like to know about these, plus a bunch of other “firsts” as she gets older, like first time she sleeps in a bed, writes her name, draws a picture, swims without floaties, rides a two-wheeler, spends the night away from home, etc. I want to know about her first plane ride, boat ride, her first trip to the zoo… Whew. If you can believe it, the list goes on. I won’t be able to experience these things in person, but I would really like to hear about them as they happen. It’s important to me to experience Lanie’s growing up as fully as possible for being 600+ miles away most of the time… Angie is cool with it. : ).

So far, I know when she had her first bath, her first pedicure (didn’t even ask for that one!), first smile (this was actually caught on camera!), first flip to her back from her tummy, her first time sleeping through the night,…And now I know when her first plane ride will be. : ).

Grateful!! Here are pictures of two of her firsts : ). The pedicure was June 11, the smile June 19 (she was just under a month old : ))

and more frustrated…

until….

Ohh yes, the wailing set in. I did put the camera down to help her out at that point : ).

The FIRST time she flipped was July 17th. I got a much appreciated text from Angie: “Our sweet little wonderful perfect all American girl…can roll from tummy to her back.”

The above pictures were taken at the very end of July…

And now she’s rolling over by herself all the time. Babies. You can’t hardly blink! <3

With that being said, I cannot deny the fact that these months following Lanie’s birth have been some of the most—no—the most bleak, most agonizing months of my life. In the midst of the pain though, there has been great joy.

Like when I met Lanie for the first time. I like remembering that moment, so I’m going to write about it. : ).

Until that moment (easily the most cherished moment of my life) when they first put her to my chest, I was not aware it was even possible to love someone so much. When I first beheld Lanie, when I looked into her eyes as she opened them for the first time, when I felt her warmth, her breath on my chest…more love gushed out of my heart than I knew I had in me. It is a hard thing trying to find words to describe how meeting Lanie felt. The closest I think I can get is this: Have you ever received an IV push medication for pain, or say IV Benadryl for an allergic reaction? I’m going to sound like an addict here, but you know when they use a syringe to push something directly into your bloodstream that burns your veins and sort of surges all through you to where you can’t even move all you can do is feel this drug as it travels to your fingers, your toes, your core…? That–times a million–is kind of what it felt like, except it was love for Lanie in my vasculature, you know, not a medication.

I loved Lanie from the beginning– I pray she will some day read the letters I wrote to her throughout my pregnancy and get a sense of this. But something happened in that moment when I first looked into her eyes that I cannot explain. I don’t have adequate words for it now and I didn’t then–so I burst into tears. Later on, in the postpartum room, came the “You’re so beautifuls…” I probably uttered those words at least 50 times during my two days in the hospital with little newborn Lanie. : ).

It is hard knowing that this love I have for Lanie is always going to be, but that it is Angie & Alex’s love that she will mainly be responding to. Cause this love…it’s the kind of love that makes you long for an “I love you too, mommy,” in return…It’s the kind of love that makes you long to keep your child safe…that makes you long to be the one she runs to to help her through life’s storms…that makes you long to be the one who brushes her hair and braids it after she showers…that makes you long to be the one to say, “Sweet dreams, I love you” each night. It’s the kind of love that longs to be expressed every day, and returned. (Once again I find myself telling you how Angie & Alex are the luckiest peopIe I know. : ))

At the end of the day, though, this is how I feel: Love, whether or not one is able to actively express it and receive it, is joy. Love is joy. And I…love…Lanie. I love her.