It never occured to me that an amputated foot can be heavy. But there it was bathed in formalin secured safely inside the box. For despatch tomorrow to the lab.

I drilled a pin into a man’s heel bone today. It felt good. Well.. it was for healing purposes anyway.

I love my feet…

Effing retard.

Retard. retard. retard. retard. retard. retard. retard. retard. retard. retard.

Bila dah menjengkelkan.. buat apa pun aku pasti buat derq je..

Darah berderau sebentar tatkala tak nampak reflection sendiri dalam cermin.. like huh?

Laman depan rumah dah boleh diconvert jadi tanah perkuburan tikus. Of all houses, kucing2 jalanan suka sangat tinggalkan bangkai tikus depan pintu rumah aku.. Euw

I need new shoes

and a DVd player..

and a proper sofa

I havent eaten lauk masak lemak and asam pedas for nearly a year now.. can you actually believe that?

I miss my friends and the good times and conversations we all once had

I have whiskers

So what if he’s infatuated with me, I want him.. not him

My flu has not subsided and its nearly a week. probably shouldnt take that Multivitamin for Women

I intend to go to Jom Heboh Petra Jaya next week

Matilah.. Im in charge of my fellow housemans next month.. thats like asking Frodo to bring the ring to Middle Earth. Like.. why me.. *sulk*

I saw myself shying away from open-houses, relative get togethers and anything that involves bringing +1 and children. Probably regretting at the fact of why I allowed fate to have its way and let him slip away. Denying myself the wants of to love and to be loved by another. Acting saint and 100% altruistic in thinking that he’ll be better off spending the rest of his life with another woman that could be there for him 24 hours a day. A suri hati who doesnt live in a hurricane mess. Who doesnt eat out of a carton of polysterene every single day.

Then I saw myself in a very pretty, posh and relatively complete little condo looking out the big big window with a bottle of fanchoice pink cocktail in my hand, admiring the nights city lights. Just me alone. My sister probably has about 5-6 kids of her own, my brothers.. well.. learning about life, making mistakes along the way. My parents.. somewhere.. together, apart.. who knows..

Then I’d have like the latest phone technology in posession but only used for work. the cutest laptop ever but again, only for work. By that time, I’d have gave Facebook up. Delete my YM account. Et ectera.

Drawing my breath, I saw the scene forwarded to a third world country. and oh.. there’s me, dodging a bullet now and then when suddenly one missed my head, only to hit my heart. Then I’ll bleed to death and just die. At 41. And nobody knows.

My body will be buried in a foreign land where there’ll be 4 seasons…. nice.

Giving Up is really about honoring your feelings …

Then .. how about fed up?

Next months Project : Down to Earth

Skrang daku maok ngorok…

I would be interested to know how Michael Jackson is going to be buried..

and can somebody tell me how Siti Nurbaya (the indonesian telenovela) died?

Transformers the new movie is so boring. I would have slept if I was watching a pirated DVD on my lappie. But it was in Kuching’s Cineplex. Bluek. the seat ada macam bau hancing. Euw.

Anyway.. a guy gave me his phone number today. Too bad, he is not my type. Not that I know precisely what my type is.. I just know what type I dont like. Titik.

I was waiting for the lift and he was there, trying to start a conversation. The questions however were just WRONG, bloody wrong.

He first tried to impress me with his job as a God knows what. I lose interest the moment he said Hello. He then proceeded to ask where I was working.. hell no am I going to disclose the location to you. Then he persisted on wanting to know where I live to which I reply ‘around here’. He doesnt seem happy to an extent that he wanted a precise address. Like hellooooooo.. OMong Sama Tangan! I was immediately in a hyper alert ninja mode. In my hand was my car key ready to just poke his eyes, my pair of flats would serve well to stampede his testicles and not forgetting my high shrieking voice to attract attention. In my bag, a big fat green umbrella ready for action.

The lift finally came to my floor. Thank God there were people.. lotsa people. I didnt press for any button and thought I’d just follow the crowd. He didnt either, which kinda annoys me rather than freaks me. Once I got off, I quickly got out my phone from my handbag pretending to call someone. I heard him calling me from behind, “adik.. adik”. Obviously I did not stop until he was in front of me and gave me a strip of paper. On it was his name and his cell phone number. e asked to call and ended the meeting by saying, “I’ve got a little son, just so you know”

Like So? So? So? Go Fish.

Aku banyak berfikir pasal tudung sejak kebelakangan nih.. serabut jugak kepala hotak dibuatnya.

[Aku cenderung untuk menggunakan bahasa melayu untuk isen kali ini memandangkan aku sendiri merasakan my command in English is slowly getting weak due to lack of proper English conversation without the lah's and singsong Manglish tone, plus I havent been reading as much fiction as I'd hoped to this year]

Ya, tudung.

Percaya tak kalau aku cakap aku lebih terpelihara semasa belajar di UK dulu? aku tak reti nak terangkan dengan tulisan tapi itulah kata hati aku .. aku bertudung di sini tapi kekadang aku terfikir apakah hati dan perbuatan aku sesuci mana diriku ketika bergelar graduan satu masa dahulu..

Kadang2 aku tanya pada diri aku, “Kenapa aku pakai tudung?” Kalau diikutkan tujuannya bukanlah LillahiTaala. Jauh sekali. Bukan juga sebab aku rasa aku nampak comel bertudung. Infact, lawa lagi kalau aku tak.. sumer pompuan pun camtuh. Masakan tidak, bila dah kahwin barulah keindahan itu dipamerkan buat suami tersayang. Ya, aku pakai tudung sebab kenyataan yang dibuat oleh seorang abang berbangsa Indonesia yang berjual di kantin sekolah suatu remaja dahulu. Kenyataan yang menyedarkan aku bahawa I am attracting unnecessary attention from people I’d prefer to hinder. Lantas, aku memilih untuk menutup kepala.

Tapi syaitan itu tegar. Kerapkali aku didatangi dengan persoalan serta dugaan yang cuba untuk menyongsangkan niat aku yg berusaha (untuk berhijab) ke arah ‘Kerana Allah Taala’. Tapi keinginan untuk togel itu terhenti lantaran beberapa perkara;

• kerana seorang rakan pernah memberi ceramah terbuka bahawa ‘walaupun niat itu tidak ikhlas, tapi sekurang-kurangnya dosa tidak berjalan’
• sifat aku yang naturally ada ‘malu’
• dipertanggungjawabkan untuk memikul peranan yang memerlukan aku mempamerkan imej sebagai seorang muslimah. Yalah.. naqibah. Gila apa nak berambut biru segala?
• keluarga aku sudah biasa melihat aku bertudung dari usia yang kecil. aku tidak ingin mengundang kontroversi
• persepsi masyarakat … to which I care

Di UK, aku hidup di kalangan rakan2 yang ‘bersih’. Maka sedikit sebanyak berjaya mengetepikan bisikan syaitan gemuk. Tambahan pula, masyarakat bukan berbangsa Islam di UK sendiri begitu sensitif akan keperluan dan tanggungjawab seorang muslim/muslimah menyebabkan kita sendiri rasa malu untuk beraksi tidak senonoh, terutama sekali apabila berhijab.

Lain pula ceritanya di Malaysia. Sudahlah memakai tudung pastinya memerlukan kekuatan rohani, ditambah pula dengan masyarakat yang kurang supportive, kekadang rasa sesak jadinya. Niat dipersoalkan.. trend katanya. Ada sesetengah menunjuk jari mengatakan wanita berhijab hipokrit. Memang ada yang pakai tudung di tempat kerja dan tanggal di luar tapi buat diam je lah. Jangan diunjurkan persepsi sedemikian kepada wanita lain. Mungkin trend ini sudah lama wujud dan aku yang naif ini baru sahaja mengenalinya … akan tetapi ntahlah, aku prefer ianya tidak diperbesar-besarkan.

Tudung.. memang hanya sehelai kain tapi aku tidak pernah menghayati Kuasanya sehingglah aku berada di alam pekerjaan. Aku perasan aku selalu marah, jadi tidak menentu, kekadang ‘untamed’ semacam apabila berada di rumah tapi terkawal di tempat kerja. pastinya aku menyedari bahawa kerana tudung;

• menuntut aku untuk mengiringi perbuatan bertudung itu dengan sifat2 yang terpuji seperti sabar, tidak menentang dan melenting ibarat b**** yang tak munasabah
• menonjolkan diri aku secara tak sengaja terutama sekali apabila hidup sebagai komuniti yang minoriti, lantas apa saja silap yang kau buat akan dikatakan seperti aksi mencalit lumpur pada kerbau2 yang lain

Tudung itu urusan aku dan Allah. Kalau tetiba aku meroyan malam nih, clubbing dengan mat salleh mana tah kat waterfront.. bukannya ada orang tahu kan.. tapi tuhlah faktor malu dan mempercayai bahawa dunia itu kecil sedikit sebanyak menggari kedua kaki ini di lantai bambu rumahku malam ini.

Tudung.. berkuasanya dikau..

baik aku hentikan isen yang serba kekurangan ini. maaflah. hati tak keruan. tajuk pun tak berapa sensasi.

 Normally when one pops a question,

“How was your call last night?”

The response would be quickly met by a big sigh or a loud lament of, “So many admissions!” or “I did not get to sleep at all last night”. Sometimes I sense this vibe of competitiveness between HO’s trying to outrun one another by competing on how many sleepless nights they have or how hard they’ve worked. Of course, sleepless calls are unavoidable but honestly, I always aim for ZERO admissions on my call. Ha ha ha. My record so far is two.

I am now posted in the peripheries (thank god!). Though far from the daily bustles of city life (cewah) I felt calm, and nur kasih-ish. My current hospital’s compound is as big as a BTN camp (kira kecillah tuh) and the drive to work is so peaceful. Greeneries everywhere. Ahh.. nyamannya. My stress levels have gone down like no others business.

At night during calls plak, Id just sit outside and look out over the hills (my ward is on top of this little hill) and just hear the leaves rustling whispering to each other. Living in the moment as the soft breeze brushes my face. Or gaze at the beauty of the moon. The one moon that everybody looks up to regardless of where they are..

Hari penuh kesugulan.

My day started with the death of a dear patient. He survived the road traffic accident, the multiple fractures … even the operation but life was slowly seeping away and in a blink of an eye, he was gone. Like unbelivably gone. At that time I could only think about one thing, “Life is short”. One moment his hand was held affectionately by his wife and in a split of second, we could hear the loud panic cries of the wife. Immediately we left what we were doing, attended the patient and initiated resuscitation.

I held the ambu oxygen bag, a fellow colleague did chest compressions, another called the anaesthetists, the other pushed the resuscitation trolley and so on..

With each squeeze of the bag, I was hoping that it would bring on a miracle. That his pulse would return and everyone would stay happy. But after nearly 45 minutes and boluses of atropine and adrenaline, my specialist decided to call it an end. The patient was pronounced dead at 955 am.

Im supposed to show a poker face. But there was something about this patient that just tugs that string in your heart. After all, I was there when we operated on him. Although my role in the operation theatre was to just hold his leg, to flex, life or extend as necessary … there was a connection. I just had to wash my face in the bathroom afterwards.

In fact, I could still remember his kindly expressions (also his wife) whenever I come to review him during rounds. He was an ordinary man leading a nice happy life but fate decided that his life will end at 50 by initiating the death experience with a road traffic accident with a lorry.

Seriously people, drive carefully.

The emotional rollercoaster did not end there. Theres nothing new in a minority of nursing staff that just doesnt want to cooperate with doctors. I lost my temper with one of them today and resorted to slam the file on the table to release the anger. But of course me being me, it was not in front of the subject. A friend who saw me doing that said, “Hey.. what happened to you… This is not the Minci I know.. the Minci I know has the patience of a Buddha” and gave me a rub on the back.

As for the finale, Mizi (my car) decided to act up and much to my dismay, my front tyre was punctured. I managed to change it using my spare tyre but that was also punctured. I was at wits end of what to do so I just left my car at the hospital for tonight. This will be my leftover problem for tomorrow that must be sorted out since I’ll be sent to do my attachment out at the little districts on Sunday. Haiyorr.. and Im oncall tomorrow!!!!

Ya Allah.. ampunkanlah dosa hambamu ini. Tabahkanlah hatiku, kuatkanlah semangatku…

“If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.”

“Awak melayu. Jangan ambil darah saya. Suka hati saja. “

Fine aunty. Fine. I uttered an apology. Smiled and left. And had a Chinese colleague help take her blood for investigations.

[At this moment, a picture of a Ku Klux clan member on an operating table with an African American medical team around him comes to mind. its somewhere in the net but I cant find it]

So lets replace it with this picture. Something more harmonious and less negative.

I think I need to du’a a lot and find time to read the Quran more. Medicine is not making me any holier. Its making me become someone who is a lot angrier, grumpier, at times less sympathetic to my patients. I could hardly remember the last time I did something because I really care for the patient. I did my task because I didnt want to get scolded by my superiors. Or their cases would just serve as a study material.

I have to find myself again. Recourse to a better version of myself.

One who wouldnt bitch on another colleague. One who could remain her mouth shut in the midst of anger or say ‘astarghfirullah’ than ’shit’. One who’ll remain calm in times of chaos. One who stands smiling and cute when all have cried or fallen.

So often I’ve heard of colleagues qutting KKM or having the intention to quit. There’s already 2 cases this year in my hospital. Come to think of it, I would do the same if I had a nicer job prospect as stable as being a healer. I may heal patients on an everyday basis but Im rotting inside. Maybe I should take Jet’s advice, “Get a bf”.

On a lighter note, I learnt something from my specialist last night in OT ( and I was not on-call.. it was overtime without pay). I learnt that for a teams morale and working dynamic to flow efficiently would depend greatly on the leader.

We had a difficult case in operating theatre (OT) yesterday. The procedure took from 1 pm to 10 pm to finish. It was just inevitable and under any circumstances, I wouldnt be surprised if anyone at all would feel restless and just want to go home. But that didnt seem to be the case last night because we had a great Specialist.

He kept singing the Malay version of the Wonderpets song, his own version of a rock song, he engaged in amusing conversations with everybody etc. Consequently people became less stressed including Yours Truly for I had hoped to leave early to get my laundry. Ha ha ha.. nasib baik ada sehelai lagi baju dalam wardrobe. And in the end everyone did a good job and was happy to work with him again. Good, huh?

I shall now refer to him as Mr Wonderpets.

While I have a very supporting family and besties back in Semenanjung, I find that my life is still deprived of certain key people. Individuals, whose existence would make every aspect of my life seemed more worthy, safe, precise and meaningful than it already is. Putting ‘the need for a love interest’ inside … I would definitely benefit from the company of ;

1. A hairdresser and masseuse : One who would give me that really really nice head massage when the head is being shampooed. huwargh.. nikmat.
2. A connoisseur : Food.. movies.. art.. whichever..
3. A bodyguard : I do get the occasional escort from the hospital guards as I get the dark lift to the wards at night when Im on call. Now I want two ninjas with a sword and magical powers.
4. A personal trainer : Or a Nintendo Wii is equally fine. I have to get in better shape just before my paeds rotation. God knows when.
5. A career advisor : I dont really know how to progress in my career. I dont know of any career counselling services. I dont know what sort of exams the KKM have. I dont know anything and I dont know who best to ask these questions.