Life of the Virus

Bulk Entry: So Long, Fare Well // Dir en Grey-Apocalyptica Show Recap

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 13:37:00 +0000

This will be my last post on Blogger. While I enjoyed the service, its not exactly what I'm looking for in my blogging platform, which is likely why I don't use it anywhere near as much as I normally would. I always have something to rant and rave about, but never the energy to sit here and type it, not with forty other windows open and a mountain of other things I should be doing sitting in front me me.

There's another reason of course, I might as well get this wall of text out of the way so I can start the picture bombardment.

For a long time now I've been going by one of three (and combinations of) nicknames. "Psychon", "Rascal", and "Haze". You can't hang around my closest friends without hearing them call me Psychon or "Psy" at least a dozen times. That will probably never change, that identity if you will, will always be who I am to them and that's fine. However, these names, originally created to identify the three key facets of myself, are just characters, and the more I sling those identities around, the more the line between the character and the person become blurred. I think so at least.
It sounds utterly stupid, but its honestly just a matter of who I see myself as. I'm none of those three. Not in the way that I see them at least. Not as characters, which is what they are. I'm Victor, that's all. I'm not the reincarnation of some forgotten legend, or the bastard son of a wraith, and I'm not this randomly chosen kid forced to fight a tide of monsters.

So, to distance myself from those names and identities I've decided to come up with new ones. Ones that have no relevance to a story I'm writing, or a game idea I'm designing.

So what does this have to do with anything? I dunno, but I feel like I should write it, prolly to give myself another push in the direction I want to go in. Those names will never die in certain circles, I'm more than certain of that (however, more and more people are just calling me Victor, which makes me happy because to be honest, I actually like my real name.) One circle will probably know me as Psychon until I die. Another will always refer to me as Haze regardless of what nickname I pop-up on. I'm fine with that, but if you're gonna move toward the future, toward improvement, ya gotta shed the old.

On to the Dir en Grey/Apocalyptica show recap!

So this is the second time I've seen Diru at HOB. The first time I saw them it was their first show in Chicago where they headlined. That was back in February of 07 and I was blown away then.
This time I'd seen them live about 3 times.
House of Blues, Riviera (they opened for Deftones), and The Metro.
Since then their shows have gotten progressively more fun although this year the pits were dead. I think my friend Bryan had more fun shoving 12 year olds into their parents than anything though.

My aunt and a buncha her friends were there to see Apocalyptica, Bry dragged me into the pit and away from the bar with all the precious booze behind it. They played a handful of songs both new and old, some of which I'd heard last year, but a few that I'd never heard them play here in Chicago before. Obviously this pleased me.

At some point, halfway through their set, my aunt grabs me out of the pit and points to the opera box right over the stage and says "WE HAVE THAT BOX!" there was little argument on my side. So for the rest of the show, we basked in the awesome sounds of two badass bands from above, occasionally pointing out to people and laughing as they were trampled like peasants... okay that wasn't actually the case, but it was nice to experience the show that close without worrying about someone rushing you into the guardrail or some crowdsurfer kicking you.

That's all I've got. On to new things.

A Tree Falls in the Woods

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 01:09:00 +0000

Yesterday was very necessary. I haven't had that much fun in a while. Wish I hadn't been late though, damn my wonky sleep schedule.
I need new headphones. Mine are starting to feel too bulky for how much running and shit I've been doing lately.
I think I'm gonna hit Best Buy for a pair.

The fog is dissipating rather quickly.
I still need to approach this scientifically though.
No room for error in my calculations kinda thing.

Fuck, its nearly 9PM and I have to be downtown like... right now. D:
Woosh.

Mind Dump - Take it for what it is.

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 10:44:00 +0000

This is almost entirely SoC. If you don't know what that means, then you're some kinda mongrel.
Well, maybe.
I dunno.

I've been ping-ponging between fury and content.

Aggression met with defiance.
I didn't really put 2 and 2 together very quickly.
Fuckin re-re.

All that aside, I'm pretty certain of what's needed now.
Pieces are actually fitting together at an alarming rate.

Snarling beast with an angel's face.
What have I done?
Slam! Static. Static. Static. Slam! Static. Snap back to reality. What the fuck just happened?

All that's left to do is pursue and hope that the pursuit isn't a futile one. Deviation is a variable that throws off the entire equation.

Recreating the conditions from the previous encounter.
This is science damnit!

An End and a Beginning

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 10:19:00 +0000

"I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the standstills and never reaching any conclusions. I give up, I don't want to be part of this relationship anymore."

I don't recall many instances where a simple text message both burned me from the inside and opened my eyes to sanity and reason all within the same moment.
The downs have been short bursts. The reminders strewn about my room usually cause it. Sometimes the occasional memory. Wednesday, August 18th, 2010. I let it happen, I chose not to fight anymore. The discomforting feeling that I'm alone is quickly replaced by the strength I built with her. Because of her. She didn't pull me up, she made me get up. She helped me push myself beyond what my fears and misconceptions of self had limited me too. In the almost two years she was with me, she taught me a decade of lessons.

It wasn't until she dropped the bomb though, that I realized I was just using her as an excuse to keep moving forward. Just like everything else. Always using crutches like a coward. At the same time, I realized that she also had changes to make, ones that I can't be there for, things that are easier done alone. I pry too much, everyone's struggle is always my business, especially my significant other. Its a mindset.

Its been pretty surreal these last few days. Concern has been pouring from some of the most unexpected places. To be completely honest, I don't know exactly how to feel. This is something that I feel needs to happen, more and more. Looking back, it seems like everything was so rushed for a while, then seemed to slow down to an almost non-existent pace.

Tensions flared and stress got the better of both of us on numerous occasions. Would I change any of it? Would I right the wrongs on my end? No, it wouldn't solve anything and it wouldn't be fair. This needs to happen, for a number of reasons. I need to learn how to tackle the world without crutches, without using others as my safety net. I need to stop being afraid. I feel that she needs to go out and experience the world more, find herself, enjoy life, and most importantly be happy with herself for who she is.

"If you truly love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

So I'll let her go, meanwhile turning my full focus toward my goals. I'll keep moving forward, growing and progressing. However, I'll do it alone. The end marked the beginning of the latest strain. More resilient and volatile. I'm a brand new monster now.

Now let's see where this new path leads.

Mind Dump: Expectations and Explainations

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 08:04:00 +0000

There's one thing I don't have much tolerance for in the people in my life and that's fear. Not just fear in the sense of "Holy shit that's scary I'm not going near it." Fear of failure, in the sense of; "I don't want to attempt this or that because I might not accomplish it." Drives me absolutely nuts.
Of course, there are gray areas (which are popping up more and more in my life, gray areas I mean, not so much in this particular case. Might be a different entry for a different day, we'll see how it goes.) in this idea. People with the idea of attempting something despite the risk of failure, especially when its for their own self-improvement, be it starting a new hobby or pursuing a dream. That I can relate to, which is the only reason I have the friends I have right now. Everyone I keep up with on a consistent basis has one or several goals for their own betterment, goals that I get nothing out of and have nothing to do with me even. However, I will still gladly help them in any way I can, and ask nothing in return, other than that they continue pushing to be more than the person they were yesterday, last week, last month, last year, etc. I want the people in my life to have goals and aspirations and actually attempt them. Note that I didn't say they had to accomplish them, just try. There's something to be said about goal-oriented people, I think the most interesting facet is that those people can either be the most reliable and trusting people you know, or vicious back-stabbing snakes. Makes things interesting in my opinion. Some people will do anything to achieve their goals faster. I for one can understand the mentality, but I won't condone it.
Now, before I get entirely off-topic...

One thing I don't believe in, and hating seeing in people; especially myself, is stagnation. Reaching a point where you literally do nothing, though I'm guilty of it myself especially recently when I was unemployed and barely had a reason to get up in the morning. Stagnant didn't begin to describe that period of my life, and I doubt it'll be the last time it ever happens, this, I believe is why people like me even exist. I'd gladly give my down and out friend 50 bucks for a new set of art pens if it meant they would be able to further themselves (and I didn't have any crucial bills to pay haha.) I would happily make time for someone on my day off when I didn't want to be bothered by anyone to read the latest chapter of their novel and give them my opinion, or coach them while preparing for a boxing tournament, even if I'm just standing to the side giving verbal support. I'd gladly do these things because I know how important they are to the process. Some people need the motivation, the helping hand, the opinions, especially from people they know and trust. When I needed it, it came in many forms, and without it, I probably wouldn't even be writing this, because I'd be a hypocrite, and/or too depressed to even start.

So, to reiterate; I expect the people in my life to strive for something, even if other people think they're thinking too small (big I will entirely agree with, big dreams often wreck you when they fall over) I'm just happy they're thinking at all. Its all too common for people to break themselves to "fit in a box too small" (as a friend of mine once said) and then stay there and never leave for whatever reason. I don't agree with that at all, I think you should be happy with the person you see in the mirror for what you've done, tried to do, and will continue to do and try to do. I don't have much tolerance at all for fear of failure. Failure is a bitch. A big dumb bitch. Sure, it will happen, and it'll suck, but its not the end of the world. Failing at something just shows you that you did it wrong, learn to do it right. Dur.

I'm not the poster-child for wealth and success, but in a few short months, I feel I've turned my life around in a way. I wake up with some kind of purpose, go to work, give it my best, and at the end of the day I come home, read a book, jot down new ideas in my drunken stupor that may or may not be good, then repeat the next day. I have the energy and the resources to help more of my friends again, and give them a leg-up on their goals and dreams. So far, I'm seeing more and more results and its giving me a reason to be a genuinely more upbeat person, but there have been and still are instances where my small (I could be wrong about them being small) expectations of people, aren't being met. One of which I refused to even notice.

So maybe I was never clear on this in the past, and I'm trying this new "understanding" thing where I give people the benefit of the doubt instead of writing them off immediately. (Does seem kinda contradictory to my whole, helping hand thing right? Haha.) By no means am I standing on a high horse going "You must be this valiant to be my friend." God no, I may have an ego, and I may be an asshole... okay that doesn't help my cause at all. Point is, I just want to see the people close to me be happy with themselves and the lives they're living. Its way too easy to get lost in a pit of regret where you kick yourself day in and day out, to the point where you're just an unpleasant person to be around.

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." That's true, and well, not to toot my own horn, but I can make it drink. Knowing this, I won't. I'll lead the horse, cheer it on the whole way, or just point out where the nearest source of water is, but I won't force it past that. If the horse doesn't want to drink, fine, die of dehydration, but I'm not sticking around to watch the process.
Same goes for people and depression. One thing I'm not going to watch, is a person sit around and do nothing to go further, then wonder why life sucks. I don't have the time or the patience, eventually the cord has to be cut.

First Week Job Update // Self-Reliance

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 02:33:00 +0000

I meant to do this Wednesday, but I was busy running a bunch of errands. Got the slingbag backpack I wanted (FINALLY), bought Annie a bottle of Beyonce's "Heat" perfume, and finally, grabbed a trinket I've been meaning to pick up for about a month now. Right now, Annie and her friend Lauren are on a plane to Las Vegas leaving me here to chew up furniture and otherwise make a nuisance of myself.

Actually I'll be spending 90% of my time at work. My schedule is extremely difficult to work with as far as social time. Haywire thus far, has been the only one nice enough to drop by and have a drink or two with me after my shift has ended. Then again, he has the luxury of a wide open schedule that many others don't. Despite being at work commonly from 2PM-11PM almost every day, the quiet days are great. A handful of orders, maybe a few runs to the basement for supplies, but mostly you just hang out and wait 'till someone gets hungry, or you make yourself food with whatever we've got. Which is awesome because it might actually help me put on some weight at this rate haha!

The few hectic days I've worked have been exhausting. My theory so far is that Fridays are a challenge in staying focused, and Saturday's are a straight endurance trial. Last week when I worked Saturday I was there from 2PM to 1:45AM. I barely remember dragging myself home that night, I don't think I even changed out of my work clothes hahaha! Aside from that though, I actually am starting to like it. I'm learning new things and rebuilding my sense of self-reliance

Which brings me to my next point. Jesus christ have I used a fuckton of different crutches this year. My girlfriend, my friends, my "social anxieties", my parents, etc. I've gotten so complacent with doing nothing, that I almost forgot how good it felt to actually be productive. I guess that's another perk of the job. Actually having physical evidence of the fact that "Yeah fucker, this is teamwork!" Case in point, we have an item on the menu called The Sampler, which consists of several things. 2 mini cheeseburgers (Sliders basically), 6 mini corndogs, 6 buffalo wings, 1 Mexican egg roll, 1 buffalo roll, and a cheese quesadilla. Since I work everything from the deep fryer back to the fridge I handle the wings, corndogs, and the rolls (which I might add, are annoying as fuck to make) Whoever I'm working with at the time has the grill and flattop, they take care of the quesadillas and burgers. Once its all done with, I can look at that and say "Wow I actually contributed something" sure it doesn't take a genius to dump some wings and corndogs in a deep fryer, but its something, and after almost 2 years of feeling like a useless part of a bigger machine, I'll happily accept the feeling.

So, with my second week in coming to a close this sunday, I'll be able to give a ballpark estimate toward how long I'd be willing to do this. Despite the fact that the pay is great (in fact, I get my first check tomorrow) and that I can take a break whenever I want, make food for myself when its not too busy, and get a few free drinks out of it once my shift is over; I can't be a bar cook forever, and I can't allow myself to get too comfortable with the routine. I have a clear goal ahead, and I have to reach for that goal. This job is just propelling me toward the financial side of it, and maybe a little bit of the mental conditioning haha!

Speaking of work, I have shit to do!
://Psychon

Catching Up

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 09:45:00 +0000

Last time I updated I went on a tangent about shit I wanted to get done before June. Unfortunately, however, due to roadblocks that were beyond my control (legally) only one of those bullet points was accomplished (albeit very lazily in my opinion.)

Well, its early June, and I've finally got a new job. Better late than never though, especially since I was starting to lose hope in it happening at all this year. Take that pessimism. I'm helping out in the kitchen at Bowmans' a sports bar that I usually hit every Saturday to drink away my frustrations of not being able to find work. Well, I'll still be there every Saturday now, just, y'know, working.

So far my first two days there haven't been too bad. My first day was the past Monday, thankfully enough because I really don't think I'd be able to keep up with anything during a rush. Since the pay is good, the hours, are steady, and the work is easy enough, I might actually be motivated to do all my extracurricular shit again! Gasp!

A few things have changed from that list of stuff that needs to get done though.

1. School

Its gonna have to be pushed back to Fall, and to be completely honest, it may be better that I reestablish good habits now that I'm working again, rather than jump into school after having the "luxury" of not having to do anything for the past few months. Last thing I wanna do is stab my already mortally wounded GPA. Depending on how things go, I'll either be getting a full scholarship to UIC, or going back to Columbia.

2. Fixing the Laptop(s)

Again, not having a job made this pretty much impossible. My unemployment checks kept me afloat and kept the wolves from the door, but dropping a hundred something bucks on a new hard drive and OS just didn't seem like a great idea. This will, of course, be one of the first things I get done when I get paid.

3. New Digs

A number of things made this a no-go for the time being. My lack of financial security caused more than just the obvious problem of not having enough money for it. I'd go over the details, but its one of those things that's best kept behind closed doors for the time being. Maybe I'll touch on it in the future, maybe not.

4. "Project Clover"

Obvious again that not having a lot of money to play with would make this outrageously difficult. I'm going to move this to the end of July while starting a new surprise project upon getting my first full paycheck. Of course it doesn't hurt to start early :D

With that all being said, I'm eager to get back on the ball now that I've got less time on my hands.

I'd rant it up some more, but there are things that need to get done and I must go and do them.

As soon as I figure out which of those things I want to do first! Haha.

://Psychon

A List of Shit I Want to Get Done Before June

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 02:39:00 +0000

I don't really know if this is for future posterity, a tool to keep myself on task, or just boredom. Whatever the cause, its being done and that's that.

1. Re-enroll in school.

Let's face it, I'll never accomplish anything just sitting around waiting for an opportunity to drop into my lap (I don't think I'd really know what to do with it if it were just given to me either.) That being said, I want to be back in school for the Summer Semester which I believe actually starts in June. However, I definitely want the financial side taken care of to the fullest extent before jumping back in.

2. More independent learning.

Before the shit hit the fan at home I was working on learning how to code blog layouts and from there was going to work on website layouts. I had plans to upgrade Balthazar so I could start learning how to use After Effects and Premiere as well. Balthy has long since been upgraded and it was only recently that I tweaked the colors of my blog so they were less eyerape. Granted, working from where I'm currently stationed tends to be a bit difficult. I need a certain level of comfort both mental and physical and I don't really have either. As much as I've been told that I'm welcome here anytime, it doesn't have the same feel that home does, even after all this time. So sitting down and forcing myself to do anything just yields turd results.

I really want to get back into teaching myself things, I was definitely a more content person making those little achievements on my own with no one telling me to do them.

3. Fix my laptop.

My poor sidekick, hard drive is fried and 200gigs of data are gone forever. Not to say they weren't backed up on my PC, but still. I need a new hard drive and a new (rather, old) operating system. Since the thing wasn't build for Vista I'm thinking of just grabbing a copy of XP Home and calling it a day. When I'll do this depends entirely on finances.

4. Find a damn job already.

I haven't been picky, but I have gotten outrageously discouraged s couple dozen times. Whenever I see these reports on the news about the job market picking up I can't help but scoff. If you don't count the brief seasonal stint at GameStop over the winter, then I've been unemployed for 9 god damn months, going on 10 in April. That's completely absurd and I'm really not too keen on hitting that 10 month mark. I've gone as far as considering enlistment, and to be honest that idea still floats about. For the sake of my financial security, sacrifices have to be made. Some of them will definitely be unpleasant.

5. The New Digs

People that know what my plans for living arrangements for the summer and onward are don't need to be told what I'm cooking up. As for anyone else that reads this and gives half a damn, all 2.3 of you, consider it a surprise. This is what makes #1 and #4 so damn important. Securing those two things will make this transition much easier. Upon reaching this goal, I'll also have to start up an entirely new list of goals most likely. Although #2 will always be there, and #3 will likely change to "Buy a new computer" which I already have picked out and everything.

6. First $100 on Project Clover.

This is actually only here to taunt Annie. Something I've recently been plotting on, which I'd absolutely love to go after sooner than later, but I'm going to be patient and plan every step the proper way. After all, this is one of those things that has to be absolutely perfect. Well, I try to do that with all my surprises with her, but this one has gotta be better than all those other ones because she deserves it damnit!

Anyways, I haven't done a list entry in ages, so there it is. GOALS MO'FUCKA!

3.1 Redux

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 09:18:00 +0000

I should add, that I'm bombarding LoV with entries because, at the moment, things aren't very peachy upstairs for me. Writing has always been a source of clarity for me, and I need to get back in the habit of utilizing it beyond the use of Twitter's bursts of information.

Three Point One Hooded Ghosts
Fragmented Personality Disorder

The First of them came to me when I was very young. His eyes were as green as the grass in the spring, when the sun shone directly overhead. His voice was soft, nearly a whisper. He told me I would never be alone. When I'm closest to falling, is when his true potential shines brightest. Like a hidden self-defense mechanism. He's pulled me from the edge of the pier more times than I can count. He is the closest embodiment to my true persona as they get. He is the beginning, and the end. He is a dream, born of my soul.

The Second came after a debilitating fall. A self-loathing overcame me. However, no matter how much I beat myself up, it wasn't enough. I was never satisfied with the punishment, the internal agreement with the First made it impossible for an easy escape. Then he spoke, voice louder than the First and almost always followed by an echoing cackle. He said I could not erase myself.
Over time, he changed. The silly hat he wore under his hood became feral dreadlocks. His eyes remained dark like my own, but their outer rim became streaked in yellow. His voice became more authoritative, and the cackle was replaced by a primal growl. He is a dream, born of my body.

The Third came with the most mystery. To this day, I'm not sure when he first surfaced, something tells me he's been around longer than all the others. That he's been sitting in the background, watching, waiting for his chance to strike. He was cold, calculating, and never showed his face. An hourglass was always clutched in his right hand and he was always lost, staring into the sand as it fell. He rarely spoke, and when he did, it was always short and to the point; his words were like aural needles. “Remove them” that was his favorite phrase. When the last grain of sand in his hourglass fell, he too changed. Looking up from his hourglass he revealed himself. A respirator obscured the bottom half of his face. He claimed it was to filter out the stink and filth of the world. His voice, no longer as harsh and abrasive, was muffled by the mask, but sometimes I can swear I hear him hissing. His eyes are a deep purple, like gateways to some tempest from Hell. He spoke of the world with contempt, favoring only those who shared his views. He is a dream, born of my mind.

Then, theres the anomaly. The one that is, but isn't. A perversion of all three. A step too far in all the wrong directions. He has no name, no face, no voice, but I know he's there. He causes great disruptions, huge gaping fissures in my life. If there ever was something I didn't like about myself, it's him. He causes great strains, then vanishes without a trace. Worst of all, he's destroyed the indestructible. He has gone by many names over the years, but no one truly personifies the terror that he represents. There are few signs that herald his coming, and despite those signs, his presence is so fleeting, that there is hardly time to realize he was there until the aftermath.

He is a dream born of many things. Fear, doubt, anger, despair, and hatred.

My worst enemy; a part of myself that I have tried to kill for years.

We are; 3.1 in 1 – PsychonRascalHaze(Zero)

Conflict

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 08:04:00 +0000

Battle demons long enough, and eventually you become one yourself.

Pushing forward, chasing dreams, reaching out for that sliver of hope that always seems tauntingly out of reach. Then comes the static. Like a television set to a foreign channel that has no broadcast. White noise. At first its low, barely audible, but it quickly, and steadily intensifies. The volume hits its max, and now the world is drowned out in the "snow." A sudden stop, followed immediately by a whine. A pitch so high in frequency that it shouldn't even register to the human ear. Like nails on a chalkboard it screeches on, and the snow joins in once again, loud enough to be heard for miles and miles. The cacophony of noise is joined by the sound of plaintive wailing. Chilling down to the very core.

Then it all stops, suddenly and without warning. Then the Lost One speaks. The One not spoken of, the One everyone tries to forget. The Voice of Despair. It sounds like a cat with a frozen throat being tortured with hot iron pokers. It wails its song of corruption into the ears of anyone, willing or unwilling.
"You're worthless. You're a waste of precious human cells. You're nothing but a burden on the world."
Rationalize.
Its not true.
That's not me.
The Voice continues its onslaught before you even have time to register the first phase.
"You should've been killed in the womb. You shame your family, and you shame every human being that shares the same species as you. Apes are more worthy of life than you are."
Continue to rationalize, but The Voice doesn't care. Sneering behind the shadow of a hood pulled far over its face, obscuring its features.
"Everyone around you wishes you would die. You're nothing but a monster masquerading as a man. There isn't even a proper disposal method for trash like you."
They're starting to hit home, anger, frustration, who does this slender apparition think he or she is?
Lash out, but The Voice is gone. The assault continues.
"It would be a civil service to the rest of the world if you were executed in the most brutal fashion possible while in public view."
Whirl around, fists balls in fury. CRACK!
Soft, wet impact. The hood is gone, and the face that you just struck...
It was your own.
3.1

Complication

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 07:41:00 +0000

Starting as a single strand, entangling itself upon itself, working loops and knots faster than the eye can keep track of. Branching off, another strand, three, four, seven, eighteen, forty, hundreds. All looping, twisting, knotting themselves up in a tangle of chaotic confusion. Complicating the single strand at the source, the one that started it all. Racing to untangle, getting tangled up, becoming part of the tangle. Joints constricted, digits turning purple, suffocating in a mess. A mess created from one strand.

Now its too dark to see, the tangle obscures sight, muffles, sound, and the only feeling is the strands tightening. Still looping, knotting, constricting. This will go on for hours. Days. Weeks. Months. Years. The voracity at which the strands continue to multiply and complicate themselves is too fast for one person to tackle alone.

Foolishly, the attempt is always made, and the price paid is always the same. Blind, deaf, and dumb. Now waiting for the end, but the end never comes. Digits and extremities nearly dead, sight and sound forgotten, but there is no release. The torture will go until someone else finds the tangle, and with single-minded tenacity, rips the heart of the tangle from its core.

Spring Cleaning // A List of Realizations

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 19:20:00 +0000

So spring has finally bludgeoned the bitch that is winter into unconsciousness, and as it lays there, twitching in agony, being carted off to the ER; we see the layers of filth that were hidden under white powdery lies. This year, winter was especially short, and Spring is still in the early phases of washing off the filth that winter hid from us. However, my cleaning is not something that time will just take care of for me. Nor is it something that I can set a whole day aside from. My cleaning is a talent I have down to a science. Something that I will set aside all feelings for, and look at from an entirely logical and rational perspective for 2-3 weeks before making the final call. At the risk of sounding typically cryptic (which is actually my next point) basically what this means is.
ITS TIME FOR A GOOD OL' FASHIONED BRIDGE BURNIN YA'LL!
Yeehaw.
While I used to enjoy doing this, over the past few years its gotten increasingly more difficult, and I'm now at the point where I shouldn't even be considering it. However, life is what it is, people are who they are. So, I'm going to be the bad guy once again and start cutting people out of my life. I plan on snipping away the slack and condensing down to the essentials.

Speaking of condensing, aside from my blog, I'm going to be working on improving another facet of my personality that I can't fucking stand. As I said earlier, I have a tendency to sound typically cryptic, and with total strangers its fine. Its a wall I put up between myself and others to test just how good of a deduction they can make about me. However, I need to learn how to let go of my stupid security blankets. "Boo-hoo the world sucks, get over it." I say to what's left of that high school mallgoth faggot, and all he does is cry more, making me want to club him into traction. What was I talking about again?
Right, condensing. Basically, instead of over-complicating my life with all this childish nonsense that I've been complicating my life with these past couple of years, I'm going to put all that aside. A combination of occurrences has caused me to realize that my world needs very little to sustain itself. The bare minimum is actually more than enough, so why have the extra? Its just more that needs maintenance time that I don't have. Rather, won't have.

Basically, I started on my New Years Resolution, and like most people fell out of it. However, my resolution wasn't just made for face value, I know I have a bucketload of flaws, and anyone who knows me knows that, and anyone who accepts those despite how annoying they may be, is a true friend. True those flaws make me who I am, but I've got to change a good amount of them because they will impede on my future; immensely.

I have three major goals that I'd like to try and accomplish within the next few years.
1. Have a job that I enjoy and that I'm proud of.
2. Live together with the love of my life.
3. Spend some time with my more distant friends. (Literal distance)

I'm tired of failing people, tired of being a god damn letdown. I wasn't raised to be a quitter, so I'm going to trudge through this, and I'm going to come out on top, because in darkest depths are where I made my home, and where no one else can see, I can walk with haunting familiarity. Today is going to be a mixed bag of research for school and going over old journal entries to help make my decision at the end much easier. The next few days will be more of the same.

Time to reflect, get back in touch with everything that worked and move from there. Getting back into my writing and my graphic design nonsense (as bad as I am at it sometimes haha) is a big part of that. It was aggression that had a productive and healthy outlet. I think that's my first mistake right there.

But whatever, I'm starting to ramble. The more I write what I'm going to do, the more my brain says "stop talking about it and go do it." so that's what I'm off to do now. I fell behind, but I'll push myself to catch up.
://Psychon

My Worst Nightmare

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 05:27:00 +0000

I've become more and more observant of people around me on a somewhat personal level. Not to say I'm breaking character and getting overtly chatty with random strangers, or finally breaking and "reconnecting" with all those people that Facebook tells me to. No, its more like, I've been taking notes on what I see as consistent behavior. This applies to people in my life and people that are kind of on the sidelines.
Its weird, seeing people with more promise than me doing less than me and somehow getting by better than me. Sure there are factors that I might not be considering, parents' money, financial aid, food stamps etc. Still, its bothersome. Those nasty fears of getting older and never accomplishing anything no matter what I do start to intensify, and the best I can do is shut out my own voice telling me I'm going to fail. If it weren't for Annie's support I probably would've given in to that voice a while ago.
The act of failing isn't what scares me though, its never succeeding that terrifies me. I've made some big plans for the future, things that I want to do and see before its too late. My obsession with my own mortality probably plays a big role in this though. Still, what good is a life if nothing productive is ever done with it? If you're not happy with the life you've led then what's the point of living right? So I do my best, every day to do at least one productive thing a day, and when that's not enough, I go further and further.
Problem, however, is that its never enough. I won't be happy until I reach that goal, and until I reach that goal I'll have this pestilent worm eating away at my insides. Of course, once one goal is reached another will quickly, if not immediately take its place. The cycle will likely go on until I accomplish all those crazy plans and make those silly dreams come true.
My worst nightmare, y'see, is being stuck in a loop forever. Going through the motions because I've lost all passion for life. In addition to what I said earlier about not being happy with the life you've led, losing your passion for life falls under the same ruling in my book. What's the point of even going on anymore? My fear, my nightmare, is reaching that point, today, tomorrow, ten years from now, doesn't really matter when, its a matter of if.
Sadly enough I've come close a good many times, and thankfully I've kept the right kind of company to pull me off the proverbial ledge before things got extremely stupid. Not to say I would outright go and off myself, but I'd certainly put myself in harm's way just for a change of pace. Fear is an interesting mechanic.

My nightmare, is being comfortable with doing nothing at all.
://Psychon

Valentines Day Pbbbbbbbtttt!

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:06:00 +0000

I'm intentionally writing this three days after Valentine's Day. The reason for this is the fact that no commercial holiday is the boss of me. I don't need a day to tell me "You better do somethin' really nice for her!" because I do my best to do something nice for her every day. She may not notice it immediately, but in the long run she does and that's just a part of the reason why we're still together despite how difficult things have gotten for the both of us.

But I'm grateful for the difficulty, because I wouldn't be able to handle it properly on my own. At some point I would've folded and threw in the towel. This woman has been a savior to me in more ways and times than I can count. Its still blows my mind that the missing part of my life was there the whole time. She was there for three years before I ever really reached out to get to know her. Kinda makes you think a lot about the people in your life. What they'll become to you later, some amazing part of your life that you can't function without, or maybe the polar opposite.

I'd do anything for her. Cross a lake of salt, filled with razor wire and glass, just to see her.
Endure the most grueling torture imaginable just for a glimpse of her.
I'd give up anything I have and everything I am.
I'd try my absolute best, even when my head is telling me I'll fail.
I'll be a better person, because I don't need to be a monster anymore.

I've found it, where I belong, where my "home" is.
Its in her arms.

://Psychon

Mind Like America

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 16:52:00 +0000

Something just dawned on me, and I felt the need to chronicle this epiphany in the annals of "No Shit Sherlock" that is my blog. These past few months I've been handling things like America's foreign policy. Getting my nose in things that don't benefit me in any way other than just the unwarranted self-importance that comes with "helping my fellow man." Y'know what though? Fuck that. Because like America, I'm ignoring the real issues, my issues, and hiding behind someone elses. Screw that noise.
The way I see it, from this point on, the "doctor" is out. Unless your name is Annie Swing (for obvious reasons) or to a lesser extent Blake Loukota (for reasons I'm not permitted to discuss as I've been sworn not to speak of it) I'll be focusing only on fixing my end of the shit stick. Lemme tell ya, there was many a turd poked with that stick, and its gonna take more than just spraying it with a hose to get the filth off. This series of fiascos, broken hearts, and awkward moments has finally taken its toll on me. So I'm doing what I do best in situations like this, I'm walking away. Because I'm in no position to get dragged further into it.
Call it what you will, the only thing that matters is that I accomplish what I set out to do this year and that's improve not only the quality of my life, but my life itself. Anyone who wants to judge me on that can eat a dick, because you're not walking in my shoes so you don't call the shots.

://Psychon

Holiday Wrap-up

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 10:04:00 +0000

The chaos of the holidays has finally passed and with a new year comes a whole slew of new adventures to come. These past few weeks have been absolutely insane. I'm not even sure where to begin. My best friend seems to be going insane. His (now ex) fiancé is trying to find balance again. My own personal battles with myself. Last but certainly not least, the struggle to make something more of myself. That's just scratching the surface.
A small part of me wishes I had never been a part of this madness. From the moment it all started I had a feeling it would end badly. I did everything in my power to prevent that. However, as the saying goes; "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Truer words have never been spoken. If my friend had listened to me from the start, this mess would probably have been prevented entirely. But, you can't change the past, so here we are in the present, and what an uncomfortable present it is.

Of course, the excitement doesn't end there. A stack of work labeled "You Should Finish This" is staring at me, and as much as I want to, I'm either too scared, worn out, or both to be bothered with it. Not that I'm blaming outside influences for my current situation or anything. I'm in charge of my own life, and yes, as per usual I'm fucking it up. While the support I need to push through it is there, something is missing. Something big and familiar. Something that I was pushed away from. Not to say that I don't feel at home where I am now, but its not the same kind of "at home" feeling.
I want to test a longshot and get my laptop back from Blake. Home is what you make it, more than just the place you sleep at night. Its where you're free to say, do, and think as freely as you'd like. Suffice it to say, there is a side of me that my family does not see, ever. I don't believe that side is very agreeable to anyone but the disagreeable bastards that I call my friends. Heh.

I'm thinking about going back to school next year. For what exactly I don't know. I have an idea, but I'd like to do more research on the subject before putting myself further in debt from financial aid. Last thing I need is to find out that my major is now useless because there aren't many jobs on the market for it. I can see it now; "CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DEGREE! YOU GET NOTHING!"

Christmas was great for the most part. The weekend before, we celebrated Annie, Blake, and Mary's birthdays since they're all December kids. Much alcohol was ingested, and a hangover was narrowly escaped. It reminded me of the years past when we used to get together for any reason we could find to party. No worries about the next morning, everyone just relaxing with a strong drink, catching up on current events, remembering previous ones, rampant shouting and bad karaoke. Over time, the faces change, but the feeling is still the same. I'm grateful for that much.

Prior to the party I had been trying to get Annie to open her Christmas presents early. I finally got her to do it at the party. I got her Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box, a new DS folio case, and a DS car charger. Oh, and an epic birthday cake thanks to a nearly last minute arrangement with my dad.

Monstrous. Four layers of chocolate death. It was quite epic.

NYE was similar to that as well, although there was a whole lot more rambunctiousness, but I'm definitely not complaining. I decided that 2010 would be all about self-improvement, getting back to aspects of the old me that I liked, while retaining my new better qualities. Its going to be tough, but I'm sure I can do it. Accepting challenges without fear, that's something I miss for sure.

This year just blew right by. Maybe its was the better company at my side. I don't think this year would've been even a little bearable if it wasn't for Her. Even if we are slowly moving out of the "Honeymoon Phase" haha. I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Its been a very, very, very long time since someone has shown me the amount of patience and understanding that she has. A large part of my reasons for chasing after self-improvement this year is because of her. I want to be everything she deserves, more if possible.

Last year the blueprints were drawn up and finalized. This year, we begin construction.

Lost Faith

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:09:00 +0000

I don't know how many times I've gone through this particular cycle in my life. A point where everything just seems like a pointless endeavor, that the best course of action is to simply assimilate into everyday life and throw my dreams in the dumpster. I've lost count. Its beyond both hands I know that much. Still, with the way things are looking now, its probably going to be the last time. Simply because I just don't feel it anymore.
I don't feel like I'm throwing away potential, because I don't have the means to do anything with it. Sure, I can go back to school, fight my way up the ladder, and claw my way in, but for what? To end up right back at the bottom rung of the ladder? A different atmosphere means nothing. I'm not saying that I want to be top dog off the bat, god no. I don't think I'd be comfortable as top dog at all to be honest. Mid-tier is fine for me, could be my ego putting me higher than I should be, but that's what reality checks are for right?

Speaking of reality checks, that's why I'm even on this train of thought to begin with. Considering my current situation, its not like I have much choice other than to accept the hand that has been dealt to me. After all, what happens when I go back to school, go through all the motions and get that piece of paper that says "look at me!" What if nothing comes of it? What if it was all for nothing? I'm not a gambling man, I don't make bets I don't know if I can win or not. My methodology has always been to move when the conditions are ideal. Which they most certainly are not.

I've lost faith in myself and in my ability to do much of anything other than become one of those drones I swore to myself I'd never be. This isn't about me anymore, I suppose that's the growth in this. I'm not thinking about what I want, I'm thinking about what needs to be done. Its a simple matter of priorities and silly dreams/flights of fancy have no place in the real world.

No formal training, no solid resume, no experience. Zip, nada, nothing. Fine, I've accepted that, and with that acceptance comes the acceptance of what is to come. Servitude to someone who either played their cards right, made a crazy risk, or just plain had connections. Whatever. I'm none of those things. High time I put away the stupid attempts at forging my own future. I can't even get one project off the ground for god's sake. Its almost embarrassing.

To think, all the tools were at my disposal and in my own typical fashion I ignored them. I was too concerned with my own stupidity that I let a golden opportunity pass me by. That was my shot, that was my key, and I let it lock me out. Pfft, whatever, too late to do anything about it now. At least now I have a reason to at wake up in the morning. To seek shelter, to eat, and to sleep. If I didn't have that reason I'd surely be dead, most likely of my own folly.

Sometimes, we have to face the facts and let our dreams die. Painful as it may be. Sometimes we have to become shadows of what we hoped we'd be. I'm one of the shining examples why you shouldn't take things for granted, because life doesn't stay perfect forever, and every sliver of happiness you get, you need to cling to like a god damn life preserver. Every opportunity you get at furthering yourself, you need to lunge at like a rabid dog.

Fail this, and you end up like me. A boy... man, I have no clue what to call myself these days, who has to hollow himself out just to accept his own fate.
Bleh.
Cheers,
://Psychon

Last Night's Dir en Grey Show

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 07:52:00 +0000

I've seen Dir en Grey live three times now. I backed out of seeing them last year due to some miscalculations in funds and ended up missing an amazing show for no real reason. This year, however, I wasn't missing them for anything. Especially when my girlfriend is about as big a fan as I am.
The show was at The Metro, which is a pretty small venue in comparison to the last two I saw them at (House of Blues 2006 and The Riviera 2007) That didn't change anything though, if anything it was better in a smaller place. We found a nice spot on the balcony where we could see everything without a problem. Well, aside from the one floodlight that was pointed right at our faces, but someone was usually standing in front of it when it was lit up.

They played a lot of stuff that I haven't heard them play live. (not counting the Uroboros stuff since I had no way of hearing any of that live) Their standard opening of "G.D.S." was replaced by "Sa Bir" which went right into "Vinushka." Also played; (lets see if I can remember everything) Red Soil, Toguro, Glass Skin, Stuck Man, Reiketsu Nariseba, Bugaboo, Gaika, Chinmoku Ga Nemuru Koro (which was the last song and made me very happy since its one of my absolute favorites off the new album), Dozing Green, Inconvenient Ideal, Repetition of Hatred, Agitated Screams of Maggots, Merciless Cult, The Final, Kodou, Obscure, and Shokubeni.

I'm not one to fanboy over something, but of all the music I have, theirs is my favorite simply because of the range in sound and, even moreso recently, cultural influence. It may not be able to hit every mood, but its damn close.

The set was awesome, Annie was grinning from ear to ear the entire time. As for me, I was just glad I could see them put on yet another amazing show here in Chicago, as well as make my girlfriend happy and give her an awesome (albeit delayed) anniversary present.

I'd keep up this banter but I'm tired and should prolly sleep. After all, I've got work in the afternoon, heh, I wonder how long I'm going to be happy about that.
Cheers,
://Psychon

The Holidays are Looming

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 11:08:00 +0000

To run a brief recap; I worked my first day at Gamestop, (CoD MW2 midnight launch) got my first pissant check (was only for two hours of work from training), still looking for a second job, and I've been stuck in a horrific creative rut for the past three weeks now.
That being said, on to the rest of the story.
Its been a while since I've felt it necessary to post. Actually its not even necessary now, to be completely honest. Nothing has really changed with me, but I guess I'm just trying to sort out my skull and this is one of the proven methods of doing so.

Christmas is still stuck on my mind so I'll rant on that.
Usually I have a good idea of what I want for Christmas every year. I know what I want and what I need and I tend to ask for the latter as opposed to the former. This year however, I can think of about a dozen things I need, and absolutely no reason to ask for them. My computer needs more RAM and a better graphics card if I'm going to successfully start learning After Effects, Poser, and Daz. I have no connection to today's gaming crowd because my access to next-gen consoles is limited. That being said I have severe doubts in how far I can go with my job at GameStop having only IGN as my main source of information. Even worse, I further doubt my capability to get into Game Design without any real solid time on the newer consoles. There's a 360 here at my aunt's place, but not much in the way of games. My friends have newer consoles, but I can't be carting myself over to their houses every other day to hog their systems.

So my computer has some outdated internals, my gaming knowledge is rapidly going to shit. You'd think I'd be all for Christmas solving this problem for me right?

Absolutely not.

Everyone that's active in my life right now has done more than enough. My father did his best to be supportive of me, despite the fact that nothing came of anything I did. My mother dealt with me for as long as she could before she couldn't take it anymore. My aunt and uncle took me in again, put a roof over my head and gave me a warm comfy place to sleep. Annie has gone above and beyond what I'd normally allow anyone to do for me. Investing time, money, and her future in me, even though I'm not really going very far. Josh and Jill have, on numerous occasions helped me escape from my own head long enough to sort myself out. Bryan has bought me a vicious amount of drinks over the past two months alone, as well as given me insight on how to handle crummy situation I was in (and still kinda am.) Jay has bummed me at least ten cartons worth of cigarettes and is constantly shoving me in the right direction, even if my stubborn ass doesn't want to do it. John has helped me get back in touch with the simpler times, where wandering around at 3AM is an event in and of itself.

I mean, the whole damn list just goes on and on, and that's not even scratching the surface.
I'm deeply, deeply indebted to everyone around me right now. In the midst of things slowly falling to pieces, these people were still there for me in some way shape or form. Their contributions were not minor, they ranged from large to gargantuan. I don't feel right asking for gifts, or accepting them for that matter. Everyone has already done enough for me. Besides, in tough financial times, one less on the gift list tends to be a good thing. :D

I'm going to try to get everyone a gift this year, but I can't promise anything (especially since Annie's birthday is the week after Christmas so I'm actually getting her presents for two occasions) considering my hours are still pretty short at GameStop. They aren't too likely to go up anytime soon. Its a good break from unemployment yeah, but I'm not gonna put too much stock in being there past the holiday season with my handicap.

Cheers,
://Psychon

Job Hunt Saga Finale

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:34:00 +0000

What a trip that was. From around my third or fourth month at Guitar Center back in 2008 I've been trying to find a new job. Then of course I got canned, and even when I was dedicating about 80% of my day for damn near a month to filling out apps, retooling my resume, and applying left and right, nothing came up.
Well, the journey is officially over. Yesterday I got my confirmation call from GameStop and this Friday we'll be putting in all my paperwork and hopefully I'll be starting shortly after. Being a somewhat avid gamer since I was five, GameStop always sounded like a logical choice for employment. Of course, so did everyone else. Needless to say, getting an interview alone was damn near impossible. Well, thanks to my friend Josh's suggestion, and a well-timed phone call, I'm in. For now I'm a seasonal, but I honestly doubt that they'll be letting me go after seeing how I perform. So, while I'm working on getting back in the gaming industry, I'll make sales for them. Pays the bills, I'm not complainin'.

If all goes well, after the holiday season is over, I'll be a permanent employee, and before the end of the year be a keyholder/assistant manager. Yeah, shooting for management positions and I haven't even had my first day yet. Gotta set goals right?

In other news:
Business as usual. Since the interview and the hopeful optimism that followed, I've been a smidgen more productive. Aside from just the obvious blog design tweaks, I've cracked open my design document again and started making changes. Found a friend of mine who is the perfect model for one of the characters that I was having trouble describing to Brian so that he'd get what kind of look I was going for. Still trying to decide how to make a demo with a pretty much non-existent budget. That's going to be fun, what is life without a challenge though, right?

Things with Annie and I are still going well, my family is getting more and more attached to her it seems. A few weeks ago I went to dinner with my mom and dad for my dad's birthday and it was one of the first questions they asked when they saw that she wasn't with me. Even now people are a little shocked when they hear that we're still together. It'll be a year on November 3rd. Seems like a whole lot longer some days, others it seems like we just got together days ago. I'm told that's a good thing.

Oh, and my e-cigarettes courtesy of Modern Vapor are working gloriously!
I got these things for $60 bucks (thanks in large to Johnny Haywire) and since I started using them, I haven't smoked a cigarette nor had any real urge to. I occasionally miss the taste of a real cigarette (hereon referred to as "analogs.") I got them about a week ago and I'm already noticing the changes from quitting. I don't wake up coughing as much, my sense of taste is starting to become sharper, and the best part; I can smoke where ever I want!
So far I haven't been hassled for it. The cigarette itself is black with a blue LED light which gets some strange looks, but even when people see me exhaling smoke, no one says anything. Cool, but it makes it hard to spread the word. The guy who runs Modern Vapor (Tony Kaeo) is offering to hook me up with a few freebies for helping him boost his already high sales. I'm sure when I start traveling too and fro more often I'll have more opportunities to spread the word. I figure, its the least I can do for a guy who is willing to drive to his local customers, give them a slightly discounted price, and a whole mess of tips and pointers. A great business ethic in my book.

It took a while, but patience and perseverance has prevailed. I still have a tough road ahead, but things are definitely starting to look up more and more. Here's to the ride thus far.

Cheers,
://Psychon

Silver Lining

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 07:21:00 +0000

I'd like to start by saying, I finally did some of those touch-ups I've been meaning to do around here. So much for being stagnant. Must have something to do with things finally looking like they're going to turn around. After all, wasn't that my baawwwfest last entry? Things not going my way, life not being what I was hoping for it to be at this point in time.

Sometime this afternoon, I should be getting word about a job at GameStop. I've already gone through my interview, which I would prolly never have gotten if it weren't for the fact that my friend Josh managed to get a job there. Since he's more or less gunning for Top Performer, it wasn't hard for him to get his manager to meet me. The rest pretty much explains itself.
While having a job for the paychecks is nice for keeping the wolves away from the door, I'd prefer a job simply as a place to gather my thoughts for when I get home. I was much more productive when I was working for someone else, I guess it has something to do with being cooped up somewhere and not really having the total freedom to write, doodle, or whatever the fuck it is that I do.

In addition to possibly having a job today, I'm almost certain that I can finally quit smoking analog cigarettes and will be moving on to e-cigarettes. Hopefully the merchant in question will be able to make the transaction too, because I'm down to my last analog and I really don't wanna have to buy another pack. While I'm not a total slave to the nicotine, I am a slave to the habit which is much harder to break, especially on long walks. My latest experiment has been in challenging myself to see how far I can get from Point A to Point B without lighting up. So far my record is about a mile and a half.

So this lovely tuesday, which according to the weather analysis is supposed to be in the low 60s, (fine autumn, I'll take it... bitch) promises to be one of changes. All I can really do at this point is cross my fingers and hope that those changes are for the better.

Cheers,
://Psychon

A Rut

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 08:30:00 +0000

If I didn't know any better, I'd say something was terribly wrong with me these days.

Motivation, optimism, activity; its all at about nil. The ironic part is that I know this, and still can't change it.

Oh sure, once I figured it out I told myself over and over again to just stop being a lazy sack of shit. To stop looking at every nuance like it would potentially kill me. I figured it'd work. Mind over matter, that sorta thing. Problem is, its mind over mind. Not exactly my strongest point, especially when it comes to the more difficult parts of my own mind. There are certain habits and ways of thinking that I just can't force myself out of. Weak and pathetic as that may seem, I just don't believe I can do it. I've been at it for years with no real change to the problem. I've always had this back of my head feeling that it would probably be my downfall. Given the circumstances, I'm about willing to bet the entire farm on it.

Some people are just a certain way and there's no reasoning with them. Now those people, mind you, are much older than myself. I'm sure if I (felt) I had more time to work on this, I could force myself out of this nonproductive way of thinking. Honestly, its getting to be the biggest annoyance in my life. I can't stand sitting here thinking of all the things I could and should be doing and not actually doing them. Or barely starting them and losing steam. Its not like me. Sure, in the past getting started on something was always rough, but when I started something I finished it or, at best, completed a huge portion of it.

Now, I just daydream about what I could be doing, while the means to do it is starting me right in the face. No, my heart just isn't in it. Its not in much anymore. Its like someone sucked all the excitement out of everything and left the husk of what it used to be in its place. Might have something to do with me still not being settled in, though I highly doubt that. Whatever it is, it needs to go, because I'm tired of this, I'm tired of feeling like I don't have the strength to do anything. Tired of staring at my monitor with dead eyes, uninterested by the things that brought joy and wonder to my eyes.

I'm tired of being a fucking zombie.

Cheers,
://Psychon

Out The Door

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 22:12:00 +0000

Balthazar has internet again.
Joyful days for me as I present myself with the task of catching up on all these little projects that I've wanted to finish/start, but haven't been able to really get into without having those precious packets being sent and received. Now that everything is sittin' pretty though, I can get back into it. Just in time too, because the list is a lot bigger than I'm comfortable with.
Thankfully its quiet enough here (well, unless the dogs go on a barking spree) that I can type, doodle, and read without any real disruption. Kinda scary almost.

Word back on a job coming this week. I'm anxious as Hell to know if I'm gonna get called. The more time that goes by, the more I get pessimistic. Keepin' my head up as best as I can though.

Cheers,
://Psychon

A Legitimate Update

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 21:58:00 +0000

I figured its been long enough that I've gone without an update and, well rather than just keep my mouth shut, I'll vent/document some shit. Here comes the whaaaaambulance!

Living Arrangements
I'm no longer residing at my previous residence. This is both good and bad. Good in the sense that it had to happen sometime. Bad in timing and the fact that I didn't grab everything I needed when I left. I still need to go back and pick up the following
-A few priceless effects
-100ft ethernet cable
-More pants
-My books

Additionally, it makes my relationship a little bit tougher. I'm used to being able to see Annie whenever I want. Since I'm staying in a house filled with cats, Annie can't really come by (allergies.) While the strain isn't enough to spark a breakup, it sure as Hell makes sleeping a bit tougher for the both of us. We're still goin' strong though. Our one year anniversary is coming up next month.

Legitimate Job
I may have an actual job this week. A great development since I need something I can actually put on a resume. While its just shy of something I'm not comfortable with, the type of work and environment will be much easier on my anxieties. Let's see if Mike at Guitar Center spins a frosty yarn about me.

Personal Work
I'm still pursuing my goal of being a game designer, specifically Creative Design. Still attached is graphic design and hopefully I'll get my shot at learning more about both fields before the end of the year. Although I'm gonna continue pursuing them independently. Although due to the lack of internet on my personal computer, it makes working/studying a little more difficult. This will hopefully be remedied this week.

Other/Blog Related
I have a nice little mess of topics to talk about in my blogging notebook (yes, I keep a notebook just for ideas of shit to post here. Sad I know) but due to the insanity that is still going on in my life right now I don't know when I'll get around to actually posting it. Regardless, I'm just happy having a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and a pack of cigarettes in my pocket...which I should be quitting soon. Forgot that little tidbit. All in all, the fall season brings much change and a short time to adjust. Survive or die. That's the way of it.

Oh, and that "cast of characters" idea I had, I'll go through with it, though I might have to learn how to create and code a widget myself. We'll see what happens with that.
Cheers,
://Psychon

Still Not Feeling the Updates

noreply@blogger.com (Malediction) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 05:30:00 +0000

I haven't really had it in me to compile everything in one big entry. Soon maybe.
Also, I think I'm going to start working on a "cast of characters" widget in order to easily explain who people are in my life.
This did not need to be posted, but there it is anyways.
://Psychon