Life on the Other Side of the Wall

"It's Okay, You Can Smile"

2012-02-14T07:11:00.003-06:00

For lunch yesterday I went to a fast food burger place. This doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me any outing in public has a high degree of anxiety as I try and minimize my interactions. Because of this I am often very flat in the face. Emotions aren't typically shown and I usually have a very stern, serious look about me.

I walked to the counter to order and I ordered my usual which I have ordered it so much I do truly sound robotic in my ordering. The lady rang it up and as she was getting my lemonade she said, "Sir, what type of tea would you like?" I looked at it oddly and replied, "Lemonade?" To that she laughed but I remained flat and emotionless so she responded, "It's okay, you can smile."

There are several phrases I hear a lot. One being "Are you okay?" which I blogged about sometime last year and also the one I heard yesterday of, "You can smile." I've never understood why I'm being told that it is okay to smile. I am fully capable of smiling and it the right environment I often have a hard time not smiling. But there are times, such as being in public, that smiling isn't natural and can't be forced.

After the order I sat down to eat and I looked around and saw everyone acting so, well, naturally. Their movements weren't forced and their smiles just happened. My experiences in public like this are often forced, awkward, and usually taken the wrong way. Just as I have a hard time knowing if someone is happy, mad, sad so too does society seem to misinterpret my emotions. Even though I usually appear emotionless doesn't mean I am without emotions. Quite the contrary actually! However, since I am in a constant battle to keep my environment safe and without unexpected conversations I must appear flat so as to not give anything away.

Often times people take my flatness as a sign that I'm angry, or hurt, or that I'm furious at them. This is usually not the case. Another reason why I am usually flat is the amount of processing I'm doing. If you could be in my shows for just one hour out in public you would understand. I am constantly aware of everyone in my environment as I analyze what could happen. Since I do not function well when caught off guard I must be on guard at all times. This makes all my senses go into hyperdrive and I am hearing everything all at once. If you were processing all this you too would probably be flat in the face.

Another thing I try to do is I try and appear natural. I know, that may seem funny, but it's true as if I can appear "normal" I can avoid situations like yesterday. However, I can try all I want but often times what I think I am and how I actually am are usually very different and it's comments like, "It's okay, you can smile" are a reminder of just how different how I am.

It's in these times that I feel the darkest because, without these social issues, I don't feel different at all. As I said, in the right environment I have no problem smiling. When I get a comment like the one I had yesterday I now fear how different I am and will someone ask me that next time I go somewhere? I thought I was becoming rather apt at blending in with society, but once again I was wrong.

Of course, as I usually say, I'm okay with this happening because I am able to give the color commentary as to why the event happened and what it felt like. I'm sure I'm not the only one that encounters these struggles and with awareness and understanding, well, I hope the world will someday understand that, yes it is okay to smile but I'm in no position to smile because I'm doing everything I can to simply be there without wanting to go home and hide.

A RANT About Drivers

2012-02-13T07:17:00.000-06:00

I drove down to Joplin yesterday on Interstate 44 and as with the other two trips I've done this year I experienced the same aggravating event... Bad drivers.

Now don't get me wrong; I'm not driving down the road thinking everyone is a bad driver. When I say bad I mean a driver that is creating a dangerous situations. These drivers aren't driving in excess speed (I have to be honest, I was pulled over several weeks ago for speeding and a learned a small lesson. When the officer comes to the window and says, "Sir, hello, how are you today?" it is best not to give the honest answer I did, "Well, I was better three minutes ago.") but rather they are doing 5-10mph less the speed limit in the fast lane.

This is one of the most aggravating things in the world for me because I know the law says one, "can't pass on the right" but the hazard caused by these drivers is so great. It also doesn't help that I-44 across Missouri isn't the safest of roads. Okay, it seems every road, when you talk to people, isn't the safest of roads but there are many turns and elevation changes with little run off room on driver's right and all in all there are more than a fair share of roadside crosses.

Each time I approach one of these slow drivers I panic because I know, regardless of how long I stay behind them, they are going to stay steadfast in the fast lane. And, even though I know that, I can't simply duck to the right and make the pass. I always hope that sanity will prevail and that they will do the right, and safe thing, and get out of the way. In this process a line of cars form behind me and then the highway is stacked with a bunch of cars two wide. When I raced, and even now on iRacing, I love side-by-side driving, but on the interstate it is NOT A SAFE THING! A gust of wind, a piece of debris, or someone answering a text could happen and one slight move by one car and then a pile up happens.

The other thing about these drivers that drives me bonkers is when they do eventually muster the speed to pass another vehicle they never do so in a timely manner. The situations that scare me the most is when they are trying to pass an eighteen wheeler. When I pass one of those trucks I want to do it as swiftly as possible because, well, they're a whole lot bigger than me and I want to get away from them just in case something were to happen. These slow drivers in the fast lane however sometimes take a mile or two to get around one truck and if there are two or three trucks lined up in can be many miles before single file driving can happen again and by that time there are too many vehicles in a tight space and getting thinned out can take some time.

Of all things on the open road this is the event that makes me the maddest and concerned because it doesn't need to happen. There is no reason why an event like this should take place. A slow driver in the fast lane is the onset of one of the more dangerous situations on the road. Every time I do eventually pass on the right (it always feels as if I running a red light or intentionally running a stop sign) I look at the driver and usually the driver is lost in a conversation with a passenger and is 100% oblivious as to the danger they are putting other drivers in.

Okay, I feel better that this is now out of my system. I had to write this because I was furious yesterday as I came across way too many of these dangerous drivers. As for me I now head to my presentation at a school and hopefully on the drive to Springfield I don't come across any of those drivers. If I do I will simply wish that they could read this post, or maybe someday have a driving test and an instructor can witness them doing what they're doing wrong right then and there... Well, I say I was on my way but looking out the hotel window I think the weather has different plans for today. The one day is actually snows...

The Connection Between Racing and Presenting

2012-02-10T07:55:00.002-06:00

If you've ever been to one of my presentation you may get the impression that I am in a race of some sort as I tend to speak very fast. The tempo with what I speak is not an accident but at the same time there is no race going on. I do realize some people may have a hard time following my words since they are going to fast, but it beats the alternative.

In conversations, as far back as I can remember, I have always had a fast pace when I am actually having a conversation that I'm participating in. For me that pace never seemed odd because that's how fast my mind is actually going. A lot of times I would actually combine words without any space between just because my brain was working that fast.

Why does it go that fast? I did mention at the start that speed beats the alternative and the alternative is this; if I go slower I will begin to think about what I am doing and saying and if I do that my words....... are........going to........ slow........ WAYYYYYYYYYYY...... down.

It's always been that way in my life. In a conversation I am either fully comfortable and speaking fast or taking to long to think about what to say and by the time I try and talk the window closed and I retreat back into processing. Public speaking is no different and if I don't speak fast I will begin to analyze what I need to say, what I should have said, and what the possible reactions to my line to come will be.

Now, I know you are probably wondering what my title for this post means considering I mentioned that there is no race going on when I present. The connection to racing is that, when I am presenting, I am in that same zone that I go to when I race. In real life, or on any racing game, I am fastest when I don't think about what I'm doing. When the conscious mind turns off and it just happens without thought that is when the fastest times come. If I have to think about what's going to happen in the next corner and what I need to do, well, nothing good comes from that. So too is this concept true with speaking.

I have to admit that I now put zero thought into my presentations when I do them. Much like a race track that I've had 10,000 laps on I can do it without thought. Don't get me wrong, my presentation is always changing with a new story here or a new experience there, but there is no actual thought as to what I should say or when I should say. If I ever get to that point, and it happens occasionally should I get distracted somehow, it can take me several seconds to get back on track and maybe a few minutes before I enter that zone of working in the subconscious.

Many times I have written about my struggles of open-ended conversations and in my various book writings I've always stated that one-on-one conversations are doable for me, but if a third person joins in I tend to shut down. I believe one of the reasons for this is the same concept in this post; with another person comes more to analyze and from that I will over process and be chained within my own mind.

So yes, if you have or will ever see my presentation I will apologize right now because speaking fast is something I must do. I am aware of it, but if I were to slow down I would be flooded with fear, anxiety, and a nasty case of the "what do I say next?" bug because I would be thinking too hard. This too is why I think I get so exhausted after a presentation because I am having to put so much energy to stay at that pace. Again, I know it can be annoying to hear me speak so fast, but if I were to slow down I don't know who much sense I would make because I wouldn't be able to make sense of what I should say next.

Realizing the Impact

2012-02-09T12:53:00.000-06:00

Over the past several months autism and law enforcement have been in the news for all the wrong reasons. It almost seems like it is happening on a monthly basis with sometimes tragic endings. Of course, what we don't hear, is when officers do have the right training and a crisis is averted.

My first true actions as an employee of TouchPoint was to give, over the course of four months, 36 presentations to various officers of Saint Louis County. Word got around and in October of 2010 I gave a presentation at a Missouri Department of Conservation office in the southeast part of the state. From that presentation I was invited to present at the statewide conference which was held two days ago.

It was a big honor to be able to present there and even more so since the story I read last week about a tragic ending between an officer and a person on the spectrum. Because of this I thanked the audience for allowing me to present because, perhaps, an ending like the ones on the news can be avoided. Then, after I was done, the parent who set up my southeast presentation, who is also a conservation officer, spoke for a couple minutes and what he said brought a tear to my eye.

Just two months after I spoke in southeast an officer got a call about two suspicious individuals walking around. The officer responded, found the individuals, and stopped them. He was in his car with the two people to his left outside the window when a call over the radio came. The noise was a raspy squelchy noise and one of the people threw himself onto the hood in a forceful, awkward way. Right away the officer thought that this was a drug case and he became highly aggravated and was about to make an obvious arrest when the person's friend mentioned, "Yeah, my friend has autism, he doesn't like a lot of noises."

The parent speaking at the conference then said that the officer on that call, had he not seen me just two months prior, would have had no concept of what that was or what it meant. Instead of knowing what to do all the mistakes would have been made and it would not have ended well. What the officer did do was reduce the volume on the radio and made the environment as still as possible and a crisis was averted.

I have no idea my impact even though people tell me. It's hard to accept that what I do has any value because, to me, I simply do it and that's the way it is. However, when I heard that story and that my presentation very well could have saved a person from a traumatic experience, or worse, I was shaken. I heard that story and I wished I could speak to every officer in the country. With the autism numbers the way they are it isn't a matter of if an officer is going to come across a person on the spectrum, but rather when. If they don't know what it looks like, or what could potentially be going on in the brain of that person on the spectrum, then mistakes can be made. If an officer hasn't had autism training the mistakes, at the time, won't seem like mistakes. The need for them to understand is growing day by day and each time I hear one of those stories my heart breaks because it quite simply doesn't need to happen and I am thankful the Saint Louis area, and the Missouri Department of Conservation is so proactive to getting the information to their officers.

Finding My Voice on iRacing

2012-02-08T10:41:00.001-06:00

I've been a member on iRacing now for almost three years now. The racing has always been close, exciting, and sometimes frustrating. How close can the racing be? Here's a photo of a finish I had with Travis Powell for the win:

So yes, it's been a fun run, but it wasn't until recently that I utilized one of the features of iRacing and that is the voice chat.

For the longest time I raced in silence; I could hear everyone else but I refused to put on the headset. This was much like when I started playing on Xbox Live in that I was terrified of speaking as who am I to talk? Who am I to say anything? And, if I did talk, would I be yelled at?

I always found it strange that I could communicate so freely over the Xbox, but this new game and new system changed everything. Perhaps this was because I wasn't my gamertag but rather, quite simply, Aaron Likens. Perhaps it was the system in that one must hit a button to key up the microphone and only one person can speak at a time so, perhaps, this intimidated me because I have never been good at timing in conversations. Whatever the case might have been I never spoke. That is, until last season.

iRacing introduced a "fixed set-up" division of the IndyCar and I, for better or worse, became addicted to it. Where as before I was usually running fourth, fifth, or sixth now I was competing at the front. In these races, however, a lot of time is spent under the yellow flag and there are usually conversations during these periods. I would hear the conversation going on and usually I would be compelled to respond, but the only way I could was with my keyboard but typing and driving is something that can go real bad real quickly.

The typing game persisted for about a half week and then I finally gave in and put the headset in. It was a little intimidating at first, now having a voice instead of toneless words, but slowly it became easier and easier to speak.

I'm amazed it took me this long to finally find my voice and I'm surprised that all my years of racing on the Xbox didn't allow me to instantly find my voice on iRacing. I still struggle at times, even more so when there are multiple people engaged in a conversation because, still, my timing is always off. I always feel as if I'm stepping on people's toes as if conversations were a dance and I don't know about you, but I wouldn't like having my toes smashed. However, it's now been about eight weeks since I started speaking and I am much more comfortable now then I was and each race I feel more and more at ease.

Here's what I find odd about this; when I started on Xbox Live I had just been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome not more than four month prior. I knew I was a horrible speaker and my words were always forced or rushed. Now, almost eight years later, I'm a speaker for my job and yet going into a new environment, even though I had spoke over Xbox for many many years, I was unable to speak.

To close I do have to say one thing that bothers me on iRacing. Sometimes, when a person gets wrecked, they expect an apology. This is fine, but often times someone will either say or text, "What, got no mic to apologize? How convenient." Perhaps they do but perhaps they're like me. And this example can be used outside of iRacing, which is why I'm writing this today, but perhaps they have the mic but are unable to speak. Perhaps they are listening but the fear of speaking is too great. With silence you can never tell, but I know I was in that place and trust me, I wish I would have spoken up years ago as perhaps I'd have made new friends as well as speaking after a race enhances the comradery, even more so after a thrilling race, but I was unable to. After being on both sides of the wall I will never get mad if someone wrecks me and doesn't apologize orally because, in life, we can never tell what is truly going on and on the offshoot chance that person on the other end is on the spectrum I know if I get angry they will become less and less likely to find their own voice. I know that's true because I was there.

The Extras in Life

2012-02-07T02:37:00.003-06:00

Think about how many people you see daily or weekly. No, I’m not talking about your coworkers or family, but rather, perhaps, a waiter where you normally eat or the clerk at a gas station. Much like an extra in a movie they’re there but you don’t give them much notice.

Last night as I got to the place I always eat before bowling I sat down and started doing the South County Times Crossword. This tradition of eating there before bowling stems back over a decade! The tradition started with Emily and me going, but since 2005 my dad has gone with me. Anyway, as I was working on the crossword I got an uneasy feeling; something was wrong. I looked up at the television as it was now 5:00PM and the channels didn’t get switched. Always, like clockwork, the channel would go to channel 2 for the news, but it stayed on 5. This lack of the usual change made me look to the counter and I noticed that the guy who had always been there was not.

As I went back to my crossword I thought back for a moment to the previous times I’ve been there in 2012 and I realized that he hadn’t been there at all. Was he fired? Did he get a new job? He’d been a staple there as he had been taking my order since the first time I went there all the way back when I was with Emily in 2001. “That’s a long time for that type of job, maybe he’s moved on” was the conclusion I drew up.

As 5:10 rolled around I went up to place my order as my dad was scheduled to get there at 5:15. I placed my order in my normal, unsure self and when I heard my total and handed the owner my money I began to stare off beyond her shoulder because I dare not make any eye contact at all and then I saw the picture of the man who had been taking my order for all those years. It looked like a Christmas card, but then I did a second look and read, “In loving memory. The funeral mass for…”

I stood there, stiff and silent, just staring at it. My change was being handed to me but I could not react as I was just staring at the card. My concept of time, life, and loss is different than those who aren’t on the spectrum and at that moment I remembered all the times I’d been there and he was always there and just like that, at the age of 46, he was gone.

After 15 seconds I simply pointed in dismay at the card and the owner looked behind her and said, “Yeah, just four weeks after his last day due to cancer he was gone. Very sad.” My heart shattered. I’ve heard and been asked many times if those on the spectrum have any empathy at all and trust me when I say we do, but it can be different or we may try and hide our feelings.

As I started out this post I mentioned the extras concept and all I can say about the relationship I had with him was just that. I never had a true conversation outside the world of pizza and my dad usually did a bit of small talk, but there was nothing else there. And yet, despite that fact, I couldn’t shake the sensation of deep sorrow for the rest of the night and it persists even to now. Perhaps that is what is troubling me though, the fact that I never did engage in any sort of conversation except my order. Of course, why would I? What would I have said? I can’t think of anything but I wish I would have.

Moving forward that place isn’t going to be the same. As long as I had been going there he was there. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to say that my emotions have any relevance at all because whatever I’m feeling is irrelevant compared to his friends and family. And yet, if there is anything I can learn from this it is that for the extras in life, or those who have starring roles, be careful with the words you use because you never know when that last word you say is the last word you’ll ever have with them. The last words he told me, I believe, was on December 19th when my dad and stepmom treated me to dinner that night. On that night as we were leaving he said his usual, “Have a good evening” as I walked by and in each case he did this I never acknowledged him saying that orally and I may or may not have given a glance back to him in acknowledgment. Looking back I wish I could’ve said, just once, “You too.”

My New Answer to My "Question of the Day"

2012-02-06T12:20:00.001-06:00

After spending the weekend thinking about last week's "Question of the day" and reading the comments that people have posted I now feel strongly about an answer.

I'll use my own experience as an example. I was finally diagnosed at the age of 20 and had no idea what I had or what it was about. The way I found out was I turned to the internet and read some horrible "facts" that I have sense learned were nothing but nonsense. However, at the time, I believed it and I went into a denial and a large bout of self-hatred.

Now, let's say I got the diagnosis when I was really young, and my parents were the one to tell me, the control would be in their court. I would have had no prejudices of any sort and still the world would be just as it was before I was told. If time goes on one can have a slanted concept and, perhaps, believe the nonsense I did.

With all that being so I feel that the earlier a person knows the better. Remember though, and I must use this disclaimer, if you've met one person on the autism spectrum you've only met one person. Each person will handle it differently, young or old, so keep that in mind that just because I feel it should be a certain way doesn't mean it will be the right way 100% of the time. Anyway, if parents have control over how the information is given, and at a early time in life, the child, in my opinion, won't be shattered as I was. Truly I was as it was as if I forgot the person I was up to that point in time and as soon as I read the misinformation on the internet I felt like I had died.

Many times at my presentations I'll hear a parent tell me that they, "wished their upper teenage child would come hear me but they just don't want to acknowledge that they have it." Often times these people were diagnosed later in life and the story sounds much like mine and each time I hear this story it breaks my heart. I was there and it was not a good place. If anything my question I asked last week has kindled up a passion within me like I haven't felt. Don't get me wrong, all that I do now is nothing but passion, but for those diagnosed later in life and told later in life it can seem as if life is over. If anything, my passion now is to say, "it's okay to be on the spectrum" and "you are not alone!"

As one parent told me at a recent presentation, "It is almost needed to have spectrum like traits to be great and change the world." This mom was citing a list she read on the internet of people in history suspected of being on the spectrum. During my months of being in that depression I could have cared less on something like that because I didn't care about anything. As soon as I was coming out of the depression though I did read a similar article and could see that what makes us different can make us great.

So, to finish this up, just as early intervention is important I also feel letting the person know earlier is important too. Perhaps the two go hand in hand, but for a child to know early there will never be that one moment where it feels as if life as they knew it ended. However, not everyone is going to get that early diagnosis and for them, well, that's what is driving me today as with increased awareness and understanding I hope the negative perceptions aren't as prevalent. The more voices we have saying this I hope those that are closed off and are in denial might just read the right information and realize that having Asperger Syndrome is just a trait. I mean, I have blondish colored hair, I'm 6"1, I have greenish hazelish colored eyes (I honestly have no idea what color they are) and I have Asperger Syndrome. It's doesn't define me, but it is a part of me, and I wouldn't change a thing since I now accept who I am. It was a long road to get to this point and I hope more and more people will get to that point because I was once at that polar opposite place and it was not a good place to be in.

29 and a Night at the ER

2012-02-03T02:23:00.000-06:00

Today will serve as my birthday post. It isn't until tomorrow, the 4th, but this is the last weekday before then. Anyway, I spent most of yesterday thinking about what to say and how to say it. I mean, I was going to compare where I was to other birthdays and reference back to last year's post. However, that was up until my experience at the ER.

My throat got to the point of hurting way too bad with the pain resonating to my ear. I tried to eat a late dinner but the pain was too much. After much thought I drove to a hospital near where I am and I counted over 50 people in there. I then traveled down the interstate and my dad called two other hospitals and they were busy, but then another one down the road said they were, "open".

I traveled to this open ER and when I got in there were maybe 30 in there. I stood at the counter awaiting direction because I had never done any of this by myself. In fact, this was the first time I walked into the ER under my own power in quite some time.

Because of being overwhelmed I was simply unable to ask where I go or what I do. Also, the man behind the counter was in a bitter mood, but thankfully I was in the right spot and the paperwork, or rather computer inputting began. He asked me what was wrong and I said, "I think I have some sort of sore or something growing in my throat/mouth." He looked at me as if I had 13 heads and he asked a follow up question to which I said something barely audible. I did mention right off the bat that I had Asperger Syndrome, but this didn't seem to phase him or give him any light on how to handle this situation differently.

From there I sat down and then about 30 minutes later I got called in to get my vitals. This was odd for me in that I was so overwhelmed with the pain and the noise of the ER waiting room that I was in every thing I've ever described; social paralysis, positional warfare, and whatever else I have named throughout my writing life.

The nursing student asked what was wrong in the triage room, and because I was still fearful of being looked at funny again it took me a lot of time to process the question. I eventually said, "I think, yes, I think, um, I have a sore throat." To say I have a sore throat would to be like having a bowling ball dropped on your foot and to say that your foot is sore. However, in that moment, I couldn't say just what was going on.

The vitals were checked and off to the waiting room I went to, well, wait. And wait... And wait. The pain was immense and after two hours I had had enough. The ER was just as busy as it was when I first entered and I only saw one person go in. I've noticed my emotions have been my volatile since this issue in my throat began, and perhaps what I did wasn't the smartest, but I had to leave so after 2.5 hours I left. I didn't say bye, I didn't say I was leaving, I simply left.

I had to leave. I was sinking into an abyss that I worried that if I descended all the way I didn't know if I could get back out. What I was feeling at that point in time was hatred and a feeling of pure isolation. Why was it taking so long and why couldn't I simply speak up for myself? The thing that was truly bothering me was that I had so much trouble in that environment. I thought back to last month and how many presentations I did and how that's easy for me and yet simply walking into a social situation like an ER paralyzed me.

On my drive home I started to think about my experience and how, I feel, so many people can fall into the trap I was in. It was a two tiered trap as I was waiting for help yet at the same time not able to put into words just how bad it hurt. As much as I hated myself in that ER I began to change my mind as, quite simply, what I experienced was the essence of what I try to educate the world on.

Until there is full awareness and understanding the right questions won't be asked and signals may be missed. We on the spectrum usually make bad advocates for ourselves and I proved it in that ER last night. As the age of 29 rolls around I won't see it as the last year before I hit 30 as that's sort of what I was going to write about, but rather it is another year that I have to get the message out. To tell the world about the autism spectrum and that there is hope, but at the same time there can be hardships. It's in the hardships that the understanding is vital as I experienced that last night. Yes, my birthday is tomorrow and of all my years my direction in life has never been clearer because, through awareness and understanding, perhaps others might not have to go through what I did.

Question of the Day: To Tell or Not to Tell

2012-02-02T10:49:00.000-06:00

This is a new segment for my blog; I don't think this will be a weekly thing, but as I hear more and more questions I'd like to get your opinion on what you think.

So, today's question, which I've heard at my last four presentations, "When is the right time to tell my child that they have Asperger Syndrome?" I've heard many different parents give many different answers. Some parents recoil and decide to never tell the child, others wait for the right time, and others talk about it as soon as possible.

Often times I hear, "Well, when is soon too soon?" When I get asked this I recount this story about the time I talked to a 5th grade class. That class, after hearing me, had an understanding of what it is and just this week I got word that the person with Asperger's in that class is doing much better.

So, from that story, 5th graders can understand what it is, but would people in younger grades? I heard a story from a co-worker here at TouchPoint about a 3rd grader who is constantly asking his parents, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" So from that child's standpoint it is never too soon.

When I am confronted with this question I often say, "If you've met one person with autism, you've only met one person with autism and each person will react differently." I'm leaning towards answering more on the "earlier is better" front because I think back to all the social disasters I had in school and, for me, the blow-ups could not be explained. The only conclusion I could draw was that I must really be bad or people must really not like me. With that being so, how could I work on the right things to say when I didn't know anything was different and that everyone else in the world didn't have the exact thoughts I did.

This post isn't about my thoughts though, what is yours? If you are a parent did you discuss it as soon as possible, when the time was right, or are you still waiting for that right time? If you are on the spectrum when would you have liked to hear it?

Not Much To Say

2012-02-01T12:26:00.000-06:00

I don't have too much to say as my throat is now hurting worse and I'm not in the best of moods as swallowing and eating/drinking are almost too much to bear. I was going to blog about the fact that I am now speaking on iracing, but that would seem wrong today considering I can barely talk.

Jan 30, 2005

2012-01-31T12:17:00.000-06:00

Last night I had trouble getting to sleep due to my sore throat. To pass the time I got out my calendars for previous years to see just how far I've come. I keep a calendar journal, have since 2004, and what I do is I simply, in the small confines of a box, write what I did that day. I scrolled through 2004 in amazement as that was a bad year for me, but then I got to January 30th, 2005.

I find it odd as yesterday I my topic was "silenced" when it was seven years ago to the day that I wrote my first thing that was uninfluenced or required. The chapter has been lost to time, at least I don't know where it is, and it was called, "Questions." It would be another week or so before I would start writing the chapters that were put into "Finding Kansas."

I often think back to those days and never could I have imagined that the chain of events would happen the way they have. This whole journey didn't start with any intentions of a job, to be published, or even to create a passion. I was trapped within myself and had no way to express what was going on. As I said yesterday, speaking was something that I tried to avoid. Because of this I simply couldn't say, "Hey, you know, it makes me sad that..."

Day after day went by after I was diagnosed like that and the cycle kept going in a downward spiral. It was feeding upon itself and I was going to a darker and darker place. I don't think it had to be that way, but being unable to express how I felt about it, as well as having the first thing I read about it state, "People on the autism spectrum will never have a job, never have friends, and will never be happy." all made for a perfect storm.

That storm lasted over a year and never once could I put into words how I felt. Then, on that January 30th seven years ago, I had had enough so I did the only thing I could; if I couldn't speak it I could write it and I started with "Questions."

I don't fully remember the contents of "Questions." What comes to mind is asking various questions regarding, "Why can't I..." Those were such dark days that I'm not confident what is in it. However, a week or two later when I wrote "Emily" I do remember that night much more clearly. Anyway, the memory might be foggy, but who I am and where I am started on a dark January night seven years ago yesterday. I don't know this segment of my life could've started more innocently as there was no dreams of fame, or dreams of people reading my work for all over the world, all I wanted, the ONLY thing I wanted, was for at least one person to know who I was and why I was and perhaps, through that, the general world wouldn't look down upon me as much as I feared they did.

Silenced

2012-01-30T12:37:00.000-06:00

If this were to have happened three years ago, or when I was in school, it would have been a cause for celebration. However, times have changed and this is not cause for a celebration and it had me worried all day yesterday and today. What is it? A sore throat. Yes, right now I have one of the sorest throats I have ever had. Speaking hurts greatly and as this started to hurt on Saturday I barely made it through my presentation.

I find it weird how things change. Years ago this would have been a dream because I either got to miss school and/or I didn't have to talk. Speaking was something I never really enjoyed doing unless it was talk about auto racing. Conversations were never easy because I was like an engine whose timing was off. I always did try, but I never could get in at the right time, or when I did I was off topic. So, when I was ill, no one expected me to join in the conversation and there was such a sense of safety in this.

Times have changed though and there is nothing I look forward to more than a presentation. I am thankful this didn't occur last week as I had seven presentations in six days, but still I do have one presentation scheduled tomorrow and I don't know if my voice will allow it. It's amazing how things can change over time and what I hated to do the most growing up is now my job, career, and passion and right now I am all but silenced.

I spent the greater part of yesterday in bed and I thought on how much life can change. Never would I have thought that I, of all people, would be a speaker and that people would want to hear what I have to say. This is a big week for me as I deal with my upcoming birthday (I hate birthdays!) and this is a week of reflection. While resting yesterday I was simply amazed as I thought of just how much I feared being silenced. Even if I were to miss one presentation that is one too many. I know I much have said this many times in this short post, but times change; I guess you could say I have found my voice and now that my voice is all but gone I am not liking it one bit. Well, I should probably finish this and get home to rest up so wish me luck that I feel better by tomorrow.

Going Home

2012-01-27T10:56:00.000-06:00

I don't have too much to say today or much time, but after my presentation today I am returning to Saint Louis after another week in southwest Missouri. As excited as I am to be able to sleep in my own bed I am also sad that this tour of southwest is coming to an end. Sure, I will be back down here in just two weeks, but I've spent the last two weeks here and I've found a rhythm and have enjoyed the constant "go go go."

Of course, I don't like change and today represents a change. I do know I'll be back down here in a couple weeks, but for me, today, it is like I'm never coming back despite the fact that I'm looking at my calendar right this second.

As I said, not too much time today, I must now head to Aurora for a presentation, then it's onward to home, and then I've got a 9AM presentation tomorrow making it 7 presentations in days.

A Trip to the Eye Doctor

2012-01-26T12:24:00.000-06:00

I've been putting it off for quite some time. I've needed to go, but I always found an excuse to get out of it, but today, as I was driving by Wal-Mart, I finally caved in so I went in to get my eyes checked.

My last eye exam was in June of 2010 when I got my reflective sunglasses, but I've needed a new pair of normal glasses for about a year. "Why delay?" you ask. While I may always dislike social situations I actually have a phobia of the eye doctor.

This phobia started in 4th grade when I got my eyes checked for the first time. It was test after test and then the final test was this contraption that I put my eyes up to and then, without warning, a puff of air was dispensed towards my eye. I believe this made me spring back and I fell out of the chair. If that wasn't bad enough I was told, "now the next eye." I can remember crying at hearing that because the pain was so great and I wanted to do anything, well, I wanted to leave rather than experience that again.

Since then I have realized I have very sensitive eyes. Is it cause by being on the spectrum? I'm not sure, but I do know, about three years ago, when I tried to have contact lenses, if someone would have video taped me trying to put the contacts in it would be one of the most watched videos on YouTube. Honestly, the amount of squirming I did defies what you think is humanly possible.

So today, I did go and get my eyes checked and at all the previous doctors I've been too I have not had that puff of air machine. That is until today. The lady said, "no we'll just put a puff of air in each eye..." and I instantly backed away from the machine and stated that this would not be a good idea. She mentioned that it is needed to, "check for glaucoma" and I still said no and that if we went through with it I'd probably end up on the floor. She insisted on doing it, but I was even more firm in not doing it, which is unusual because I hate to not follow directions, but I didn't want to relive the agony I had from 4th grade.

So that was my trip to the eye doctor. I can't wait to get my new glasses because my vision is slightly different and the slight haziness of small letters has been annoying me. As for me, today, I've got to get ready for my presentation tonight so I must end this here.

A "Checkered" Past?

2012-01-25T06:11:00.000-06:00

I often get asked in presentations if I, "have ever had issues taking things literally?" I will usually mention that typically I do not unless I have not heard a line before. Little did I know I've been hearing a line over and over and had no idea it's true meaning.

I discovered my error over Christmas while at my sister's during our annual Who Wants to Be a Millionaire games on the Wii. It was the 2nd year for this and on my turn the second question I came across was, "Usually, what does it mean if someone has had a checkered past?" The first thing that popped into my mind was this photo of me:

To me, this is checkered. The options for the question were, "A. A troubled past B. A past filled with victories C. A past filled with dental issues or D. Lots of days playing checkers." With the image of me flying the checkered flag for the winner I instantly, without a second thought, went with B. My sister blurted out in a sad tone, "Aaron..." and I was confused as I was expecting the music of a right answer to play, but my joy experienced a false start as the crashing tones of the wrong answer played. I was in shock.

My sister looked at me in a confused manner as if to say, "How did you miss that?" and I stared at the screen perplexed. I've heard that phrase used so many times and I thought it meant someone of a hero status who always was on top. As my mom took her turn to play I got on my phone to look it up and was flabbergasted when it read, "A morally dubious past."

Thankfully, my misunderstanding only hurt me on the score sheet (although I must brag I came out ahead in the end, although it was a hard fought fight on the last night) but I experienced a thing that many people on the spectrum face. Non-literal sayings like this can wreak havoc on us. If it weren't for WWTBAM I probably still would think checkered past meant something much like the photo above.

There are so many figures of speech, and I use them too, that I think we forget about them and simply take them for granted. As you go through your day today just take a step back and listen to all the conversations. Keep a mental note of how many phrases are said that aren't literal. Also, keep track of how many times you hear, "That was like a..." Each time you hear one just think how confusing it would be if you took it as literal as possible. Maybe you'll hear a lot, maybe you'll hear a few, or perhaps none, but even if you hear one, or use one without thinking, just think how difficult or confusing it would be if you took it in the literal fashion. I'm thankful that, for the most part, I understand non-literal sayings... Although perhaps I just think I do. How many more sayings are out there that are like "A checkered past" that I have misunderstood? Hopefully there aren't many...

Not Your Typical Day

2012-01-24T08:47:00.011-06:00

It all started with a push of an elevator button. Seems typical enough as I was about to leave the hotel and wait for Christine, TouchPoint's Southwest director, to pick me up for a presentation in Clinton, MO. Yes, it all started with a push of the ground floor button, the doors closed, and the hilarity began.

As soon as the doors closed alarms sounded. 101 times out of 100, alarms sounding are bad. The elevator car lurched downward and stopped. This wasn't good. It was only 15 seconds or so, but when the alarms are sounding, the firefighter light is lit, and the car isn't going anywhere there is only one thing to think of; this isn't good.

The car didn't go to the first floor but rather stopped on the second floor. A part of me wanted to push floor 1 again, but common sense won out and I got out of that elevator as fast as I could. I then used the stairs and told the front desk the issue. They then told me, "Oh yeah, we know. They're doing tests on it right now."

I then inquired, "Then why was I let on?"

"Oh yeah, that is a good point. We should have a 'temporarily out of order sign'" and with that she directed the other worker to make it happen.

It was 3:09 and I was told that we were leaving at 3:14. Why the time? I'm not sure but I was ready and watching the clock to make sure it was 3:14. 3:10 came, then 3:11, 12, 13, 14, and 3:15. As 3:16 showed up on my phone I then remembered the conversation we had on Thursday, "Okay, Aaron, on Monday we'll meet at the office." With that remembered I hopped in my car and made it to the TouchPoint office slightly late.

As we were getting loaded up I asked Christine, "You've got a projector, right?" She responded with a, "yes I do, in the back." I actually always have a projector with me now because there's no telling sometimes whether or not a place will have one, but with Christine's confirmation she had one I left mine behind.

Ninety minutes later we were at the library in Clinton. Once we figured out how to get into the room we started putting the chairs out. I then went to my computer bag and said, "Where's the projector?"

Christine replied, "No, we'll just use the wall."

"The wall? No, not the screen, the projector."

"You didn't bring yours?"

"Uh oh!"

We certainly had a lapse in understanding as she assumed I was bringing mine and I assumed she had one. "I think therefore you should know" was certainly in play here, but what was done was done. She checked the library to see if they had one, but they did not. Then I told her I was prepared to go PowerPoint free as I am feeling more and more comfortable doing so. I then made a joke that, "We could always go next door to the sheriff’s office/detention center and see if they have a spare projector lying around." I said this with 20 minutes to go before my presentation, but joke or not that was the only place to go, so off she went.

Five minutes later she was back, and with good news. They did, in fact, have one but it was "old" (as they put it) and unsure if it would work with my computer. She also said that the request started off rocky because she saw an officer leaving the front office with the lights off so she asked, "Are you guys closed?" and the officer responded with, "Ma'am, crime never sleeps so neither do we." She then asked him if they, "had a spare projector" and she later told me that the officer looked at her, "as if she had 10 heads". Once the officer realized it was a serious question he then proceeded to look for the old projector.

Christine came back with the news but she was unsure if the old projector would work. It was now 5:50 and time was running out as I began at 6:00. I decided to take a stab at the projector so we took the short walk to the station. This felt odd as I'm used to, well, I'm not used to walking out of the building I'm about to present it.

As we got to the office the officer was already walking our way with the projector. We then realized we needed an extension cord. We asked the officer if he had one and sure enough he knew exactly where to get it and at 5:56 we walked back into the room and at 5:58 my PowerPoint was on the wall.

The presentation went well and then I returned the projector to the station and thanked the officer. I've had some memorable presentations is Southwest Missouri, but last night will be remembered for quite some time to come. I mean, of all places, who would have thought the sheriff’s office would have a projector and then, after a license check and file, would let us use it. By the end of the night I almost forgot that through all the communication errors, and visits to police stations, that my odd day started with a simple push of an elevator button. I remember thinking; right after the alarm went off that this would be, "one of those days."

Frozen in the Soup Aisle

2012-01-23T09:42:00.000-06:00

Today I am back in Springfield and have presentations for the next six days, but today's story goes back to Saturday when I took a trip to Target to buy food. First, I learned a lesson about going grocery shopping. Whatever you do, do not go shop for groceries first thing in the morning when you're hungry. I seemed to buy a lot more of everything.

As much as I'd like to talk about purchasing habits this blog, or rather this post, is not about that. Today's actual story occurred when I was in the soup area. Usually I spent as little time as possible in each area when shopping. I don't look at labels, prices, and I most certainly try and ignore everyone else in the store. Okay, shopping isn't my favorite thing in the world. Anyway, I was entering the soup aisle and there was one man in also shopping for soup. The way he had his cart parked made it difficult to look at the soups. On top of that he was directly in front of the soup I wanted.

No big problem, right? This man proceeded to stand in that spot for many minutes reading the labels and checking prices. I also think he had a calculator going on his phone along with looking at coupons that he had in his pocket. That was fine and saving money is always good, but he sort of had a barricade to the soups. What did I do? Did I say, "excuse me?" and grab my soups and run? Nope. I did the only thing my body would let me do; I stood.

This was a most awkward situation because all I wanted was what I couldn't reach. I'm one to never say, "excuse me" because I see that as the rudest thing possible. In my mind it is less rude to reach around a person that it is to speak to a stranger. Perhaps I am reflecting my beliefs onto everyone else, but there is nothing more intrusive than a stranger saying hello or excuse me.

So yes, the only thing I did was stand with my eyes looking at an opposite direction with just the outer extent of my peripheral vision being able to see the other soup shopper. As soon as I stood in this position I was frozen in it. I couldn't move and I felt paralyzed. I know this was such a simple task and now it was turning into a nightmare.

A minute or two went by and I was still in this pickle. With each passing second I thought I could muster the courage to get that soup, but each time I was close I realized that between the cart, and the man, the journey there was far too great for me to get through.

As another 30 seconds went by I realized just how difficult this situation was for me. I mean, 24 hours prior I was giving a presentation on a stage for over 50 people without any issues at all. And yet, the process of getting a couple cans of soup was proving to be too much.

Finally, after another 15 seconds or so, the man found the best mathematical formula to make the most economic purchase and he proceeded to buy something like 30 cans of soup. As soon as he made his last grab at the cans he left the area and he seemed, like everyone else, oblivious to my presence and the plight I was going through. With the man gone I got my soup and left, but for those about three minutes I was scared and all but paralyzed in place. I always find it amazing on just how fast a situation like that can arise and when they do I wish I could be anywhere but there.

A Funny Photo and I Made the News... Twice!

2012-01-20T06:17:00.000-06:00

Okay, I am driving home today for the weekend, back down in Springfield on Sunday, but I wanted to share a couple things.

First, here's a photo that I wanted to have taken, but it isn't every day that I come across the border. Anyway, per the title of my book, I just want to say, "Mission accomplished!"

Also, I made the news two times while in Joplin and if you are interested in seeng those stories the first one can be found HERE, and the second one can be found HERE.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Tired of Tires

2012-01-19T10:24:00.000-06:00

In terms of tires 2011 was not a good year for me. The flat fun began almost one year ago today with an ill-fated trip to the office and then later in the year I had another flat tire. With so much "fun" with flats in 2011 who shouldn't 2012 start the same way?

I had a presentation at a middle school and spoke to the student council, which was a much different audience than I'm used too but I think I survived, but as I left the building and saw my car the all too familiar sight was there. My right rear tire was as flat as flat could be and a slight panic set it.

Now, I said just a slight panic. This is a gigantic leap ahead of the previous year's flats because in both of last year's flats I was alone, and in one instance I wasn't even in my car. This time though, thankfully, I was not on the road yet and in a parking lot and I had two other coworkers from TouchPoint.

What made last years experience so awful was the fact that I was alone in both instances. My mind got to racing on so many "what if's" that I didn't know which way up was as I was so blinded by my own mind. Yesterday though I had just a little bit of direction with those around me.

We went to go get an air pump and then we came back, filled up the tire, and then I made my way to a garage. Thankfully the tire maintained its air to the garage and then I waited to see if I needed new tires of it is was simply an easy repair. I was told by many people that since the tornado the amount of flats in Joplin have skyrocketed and sure enough I had a bolt or nail in my tire, but it was an easy fix and while I may have been oer two hours delayed I was then on my way to Springfield.

So, this wasn't much of a story, was it? For that I am thankful and it is in the lack of drama that makes this story relevant. If you go back and read the other two blogs, and then read this one, the difference is as far away as possible. In times when things go slightly askew just having a bit of support, and an air pump, goes a long way.

I hope history doesn't repeat itself. I am tired of dealing with tires and three in one year is enough. Someone told me to "check my alignment" but it has been three tires on a total of three different vehicles. Another person told me though that if I didn't have flats, "What would you write about?" Trust me when I say I could find something to talk about, but the last thing, moving forward, that I want to talk about are flat tires. I mean, if I have to write about tires one more time it surely would... would... take the air right out of me. ( ha ha... sorry, couldn't help that one.)

The Return to Joplin

2012-01-18T09:18:00.001-06:00

In 2010 and 2011 I had presentations in and around Joplin. I spent almost a week here in April of 2011 and really grew to like this town. Then, while driving back to Saint Louis from a race in Ohio on May 22nd of last year, my dad called me up to say that a massive tornado had hit Joplin. My thoughts instantly went to everyone effected although I didn't know just how big of a scale the damage was.

As morning came the light shined upon the carnage that the EF-5 tornado had left behind. I had covered three hurricanes, including Katrina and while in the damaged areas there was a real disconnect because I had not seen those places when they were intact, but seeing the pictures saddened me because I knew the places and had shopped at many of the places that had been leveled. Don't get me wrong, every disaster like this is a tragedy, but when one has been there and has an emotional connection with a place there is most certainly a stronger response.

How bad was the damage? I know a lot of my readers are international and I don't know if this story made world headlines, but this map that the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers might give you an idea:

It's been almost 8 months since that day and a couple days ago I came back to Joplin for a string of presentations. I didn't know how bad the area would be in terms of damage or remaining debris nor did I know what the attitude of people would be.

Yesterday, I took a drive through that red area of the map. What we saw on television looked like a bomb had gone off, but television doesn't give justice to the vast emptiness that now remains. Imagine it this way, see that red area on that map? Imagine if someone had taken a scalpel and cut out that section of the city leaving nothing behind. On one small hill, looking out, there's just barren land now where there used to be life.

.

Again, I'm sure that photo doesn't give justice to the sheer scope of the destruction. From where I took that photo it goes like that a considerable distance to the North and South and stretches for miles East to West. However, at the fringe of the damaged areas North and South are structures that got through it with minimal to no damage. At some points it is a fine line of simply one side of the road is gone, the other side remains.

Coming back I was worried about the atmosphere of the people, I mean I have no idea how a town can go through something like that and remain, well, remain positive. However, everyone here has a story and while there is still a hint of pain when talking about the places that are no more, or the injured, or how the once majestic park is now a barren plot of land, that pain quickly lifts once the story gets to the aftermath and the days after the storm. While down here I have heard story after story of how everyone banded together to help all those in need. From my presentations last year I always knew Joplin was a close knit town, but hearing these stories sent chills through my soul.

The rebuilding process is well underway and while some places are gone and will be lost to time, others have already been rebuilt and reopened. Some homes have already been rebuilt and someday, I'm sure, those pictures I've posted will be nothing more than a memory. As of now though, the high school remains in shambles and the hospital sits much like it did on May 23rd.

I'm just a passerby and can't say I am a regular in this town. However, everything I was expecting has been different. The size of the devastation is far beyond what any picture can show you unless you physically go into the heart of the area that is quite simply no longer there and take a moment, do a 360 degree turn, and realize that one year ago there was a city there. Despite this, yes, despite a tornado of historic significance and despite the devastation beyond imagination, life is moving forward. Construction crews are building and there is a major sense of unity that even I can pickup on. Originally I was going to call this post, "The Return of Joplin" but that would be wrong because with a community like this, Joplin never went anywhere.

The Sounds of Life, or rather The Sounds of a Washer/Dryer

2012-01-17T10:28:00.000-06:00

Typically, when I remember to say it during presentations, I will mention all the noises that are within the room I am presenting in. I also say, and the audience usually agrees, that they had not heard all the noises until I mentioned them. A lot of us have on the spectrum have heightened senses and with sounds I am very keen on hearing things others don't. This played a major part in my day yesterday.

It all started at 2:45AM Monday morning at the hotel I was staying in. There could be multiple things in play here as I am getting a bit sick and when I don't I get even more sensitive, or the hotel had the worse sound insulation of all time. Anyway, someone was doing laundry in the guest washer/dryer and the noise of that was like a roaring car out of my front door. I tried to go back to sleep after it woke me up but then I started hearing snoring, then some more, and eventually it became a chorus of five different people snoring.

I tried to go back to sleep but each time I was on the edge of it there would be some noise that caught my attention and I would be back awake. Eventually, at 3:45, I turned on the television and at 4:45 I was eating breakfast at Waffle House.

About an hour after the started to come up I went up to Carl Junction for my presentations. I was highly tired, but being tired often adds an unique twist to my presentations so I had a fun time presenting through wanting to go to sleep.

Over the course of the day I wondered what I could do about my hotel issues. All my choices I came up with required me to say something to someone and this isn't easy for me. Also, I was truly very tired and by 7:15PM I was asleep, but I wouldn't be for long.

At 9:00PM the washer/dryer was being used again. I was tired enough before to sleep through the constant footsteps and water faucets which were louder than other hotels, but as soon as I was awake all the noises became loud and had the dissonance of hearing 10 different symphonies at once. I looked at the clock and knew that another night of no sleep would be very bad. At this same time my dad called and I didn't answer because I was trying hard to go back to sleep, 20 minutes later I did call back and we discussed my options as to what I could do. Of all the options I didn't want to do anything because every option required me making a decision that would create a change.

For several minutes I was firm that I would just have to tough it out. Then, the symphony of snores starter up and I had had enough. I quickly began packing and I didn't care where I was going so long as it wasn't at this place with the thinnest walls in the world.

Last night's sleep was great in the hotel I am at now. I now have a much greater appreciation of the importance of a stable, silent environment to sleep in. I did say the walls were thin, but maybe my hearing is just too sensitive for those walls. Perhaps others sleep just fine there, but I couldn't the same way I can't sleep in a car or a plane. For now though I am rested and ready to take on the day and the presentation I have later today.

Drive Thru Drama

2012-01-16T03:17:00.000-06:00

I'm in Joplin today, drove down yesterday, but I want to go back to an event that happened on Saturday. It was lunch time and I am getting souped out (by the way, I am leaning towards a special cooking post when I have the time with the format either being a minute by minute live updates, or maybe even a string of video blogs... I haven't decided but from all the comments I got this cooking thing seems popular.) so I went to a drive thru to pick up some Italian food.

While leaving my house I realized I needed my wallet and phone so I went to the basement to get them and I picked my phone up and saw that I still had a candle lit. It's an odd thing, but right now I'm on a kick of liking the smell of candles, but I remember my mom always telling me, "Aaron, never leave the house with a candle lit." I blew the candle out, went up the stairs, and I was off to get lunch.

There was one car in front of me when I got in line so I waited, and then it was my turn to order so I did so and drove up. I checked my phone as I was parked to see if I had any pressing chess moves pending, I did not, and then I went to get my wallet because paying for food is usually the norm. There was just one slight problem... I didn't have my wallet!

This was the 2nd time in a month-and-a-half that I left my place without my wallet. Before these two experiences this had never happened in my life! I can only blame the overwhelming anxiety I am starting to get over what this year may look like for me and all the places I may go, all the places I will speak, and all the posts I will write, and most of all will anyone notice those three things? While that may be what is going on, at that drive-thru it didn't matter as I had ordered food and had no way to pay for it.

"What do I do?" was pounding throughout my brain. I was in crisis mode because I was sure what I had done was up to and on the border of stealing. I started to inch my car out of line, but then that would be really bad, right? I still had time to think and I came up with the great answer of, "I know! I'll go to an ATM! Yes that will work... Oh..."

Time was running out and as the car in front of me pulled away I decided there was only one answer to do. Tell the truth. I pulled up to the window and as I told the manager (I know he was the manager because his name tag said so) that I had forgotten my wallet I was sure there would be some sort of glare, or look of hatred as if I were the scum of the universe or some plague that surely would cause great harm. What was the response? I'm not sure because I talked so fast, but I did say that, "I'd be back in seven minutes."

I rushed home, found my wallet, and drove back. When I ordered again, and it was my same order, the manager replied, "Oh, found your wallet I see." I pulled forward to pay and again, I was expecting some sort of lecture on how what I did was wrong on 27 levels, but I was shocked at the response; he thanked me for being honest and he threw in several extra breadsticks. This was the complete opposite response from what I was expecting as I was sure something truly bad would happen. It didn't though and maybe this is an example that the old adage of, "honesty is the best policy." In any event I hope never to go through this again and I really need to start triple checking to make sure I have my wallet because my lifelong belief that double checking is good enough might be wrong.

100,003

2012-01-13T10:54:00.000-06:00

I had a hard time thinking about what to write today and, in fact, I didn't have a clear cut answer until I sat down in my office and stared at my blank screen for several minutes. I mean, I could've written about my thoughts and reactions to watching the documentary "Senna" on Netflix last night (wow!) or I could've written about my excitement in getting to travel to Southwest Missouri next week to speak at some schools (I'm VERY excited) or I even thought about having a dedicated post once again to get one and all to vote in Monsanto's Grow Saint Louis contest (have you voted today?) While all those are worthy posts the one that jumped out at me was an event six years in the making.

One thing I love trying to do with my blog is reference back to previous posts as much as possible. Sometimes this is easy, sometimes this is difficult (because I often don't remember what I write) but this time it was rather easy because yesterday was a special day. Yes, almost two years ago I wrote about my love of Microsoft's Gamerscore system for the Xbox 360. I didn't read it, but I did browse through what I wrote and when I wrote that post I was closing in on the milestone score of 75,000. Well, yesterday I got the next major milestone of 100,000. From the point I passed 75,000 I was focused in on 100,000; 80,000 and 90,000 didn't matter as those are hollow milestones compared to adding a whole new digit to the number.

Of course, as with everything I try to write, this isn't an empty post and I don't have a point in this. First off, I always imagined the moment of getting over 100,000. In the depths of my imagination I dreamt of lights, bells, whistles, and maybe ever a shower of ticker-tape occurring. I mean, 100,000!

Yesterday evening as I finished the game, "Child of Eden" I received an achievement of 100 points and that thrust me to the total of 100,003. It was done, milestone reached and there was... and there was... nothing. No bells, no whistles, nothing. What was six years in the making just happened without fanfare.

Of course, in all reality, there is no reason for any sort of fanfare, but there wasn't internal fanfare either. Those that know me know I have been looking at 100,000 for quite a while and back then I theorized that once I hit 100,000 I wouldn't care about Gamerscore as much as what else is there to get? 105,000? That's an awkward number and in terms of logical milestones the next one is at 250,000. It took me 6 years of a lot of playing, and might I add a lot of playing games that weren't any good just to get Gamerscore, to hit 100,000. To think of the journey ahead to even 150,000 makes me cringe.

This is the point in my blog that I make this story relevant to life; I think of where I'm at now with looking ahead to the next milestone and I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed? Aren't games supposed to be fun? Yes, but I'm seeing all the time of getting that many points at once. When the milestones were close together it was easy to stay motivated, but now that I'm at a point that the next milestone is, well, miles away it seems to far of a challenge. I think back to when I was in school and the same feeling I feel now is the exact sensation I had when I had too many papers or sheets due at once. If I took home more than three papers for homework I became overwhelmed because of this same concept. Three papers was short, but add that one extra and I would think that the entire evening would be wasted away. When I would miss a lot of school and get seven or more sheets it was torture. There was no sense of passing milestones because the completion milestone seemed like it was beyond the horizon.

That is where I'm at now and maybe, unlike when I was in school, it is a good thing. I will no longer make my purchases solely on the ability to get Gamerscore. No more will I take time out of my life to play a game that isn't worth playing. Maybe I can return to life before Gamerscore. Maybe I can play those PS3 games now as I have had a hard time getting motivated to play anything on it because time on that meant time wasted because there was no Gamerscore (don't get me started on trophies.) Maybe once again I can sit down and enjoy my time instead of trying to go for big point achievements (I once spent a month on one achievement. It was FIFA World Cup 2006, or maybe Road to the World Cup, but it was worth 500 and was the hardest thing to achieve ever). In any event the milestone has come and gone and I feel better as if a weight as been lifted. Today is a new day and I feel a sense of freedom now. Don't get me wrong, I loved being engrossed with the Gamerscore system, but I did what I wanted and I want no more.

Handling a Bad Day

2012-01-12T10:11:00.000-06:00

First, let me say that, in the grand scheme of things, yesterday wasn't that bad. What I mean by that was there was no great tragedies and there will be no impacts that have the word "forever" in it. That being said yesterday was still a crummy day.

It started in the morning as I overslept by 10 minutes and I had a training I had to get across town. I rushed out of the house and forgot a bank slip I need to turn in and when I got on the interstate that was an accident ahead so that further delayed me.

Thankfully, I made it to the place in time and as I walked in I had a sinking feeling. I mean, so far nothing went smoothly so it felt like one of those days. Once inside I saw no one and about 10 minutes later I saw someone I knew and they informed me there was no such training.

After the the highlight of my day came when I went to the DMV. Yes, you know it's a bad day when the only thing that goes smoothly is a trip to the DMV. I had to renew my license and I was in and out in five minutes. Something like that never happens.

From there I headed to the office and wrote my blog. One of the highlights of my day is clicking the "share" button to post the link to my Facebook wall. Even this went awry yesterday as I can no longer share my blog because it is "unsafe and/or spammy" in the eyes of Facebook. The rest of the day I tried to figure out how to fix this problem but nothing worked. In doing web searches I did find out that I'm not the only one who is having this problem. Nonetheless the fear that this is a terminal problem is scary because word of mouth is huge in getting people to read my blog and Facebook is the #1 people find my blog so, yeah, this put me in a sour mood.

Once I got home I was ready to put the hijinks of the day behind me. Remember yesterday's blog post about iRacing mishaps? The trend continued with three different races ending early due to no fault of my own.

Then, right before I went to sleep, Travis and I went onto NHL to continue our month of dominance, but in both games we did his internet failed in the 1st period of each game giving us a loss each game. Travis made a joke at my Facebook post earlier in the day in that I said, "Everything I touch today seems to somehow go bad" so he blamed me for his internet. He was probably right.

So that was my day. I've never been the best at dealing with situations when things don't go according to plan let alone the whole day going awry. At about 7:00 last night I did lose my cool for a while after being taken out a second time on iRacing. Yes, I know it is just a "game" but knowing it and having it happen are two different things. Whatever my mind is focused on becomes the only thing that matters. This is one reason as to why people on the spectrum can get so frustrated when things don't go exactly right.

I kept my bitter mood up until about 9 last night when something broke my mental focus on iRacing. I checked the "Grow Saint Louis" contest that I have been asking you to vote in (to vote follow the instructions on the upper right) and TouchPoint is up to 3rd! There's still a long ways to go, but seeing that and knowing the support that will come from finishing in the top three put the day in perspective. In the grand scheme of things what does that virtual race that I got wrecked in, okay, the three races I got wrecked in mean? What did the trip across town mean? Six months from now the only remembrance of those events will be on here and I doubt I will ever read this post. However, we're in the top 3 now! The impact that will come from spreading autism awareness and understanding will last a lifetime from each and every person we can reach and it is that which matters most. So, if you haven't voted today please do so and I'm hoping today goes better but it's already off to an odd start. A few days ago there was no snow forecasted and it snowed today, my front drive is a solid sheet of ice, and a doctor's office we were supposed to visit called and said there staff isn't quite at the office yet due to the very hazardous conditions. Okay, today might just be like yesterday and I should just go to sleep. See you tomorrow world!

The Loss of Safety Rating

2012-01-11T10:28:00.000-06:00

iRacing has a unique system to make sure drivers are qualified (somewhat) to drive the cars that they are driving. The system is called safety rating and it measures how frequently a driver has an incident. Go off the track and it is a 1x, spin out and it is a 2x, and have moderate to heavy contact with another driver and it is a 4x. When a driver starts out they have a rookie license and if the driver drives safe enough they will progress up the system and that system goes with a D license,, then C, B and then finally A.

The rating system works with numbers and the highest a driver can get is a A license with a SR of 4.99. However, once a driver hits A there really isn't anything else to work for. Granted, should a driver go below 1.00 the will be demoted to B. Myself, I've been at A 4.99 for a good while, that is up until the string of races I've had in the past four days.

My past six or so races have been a disaster. If there's been an incident I was either in it or a part of it. Two races I haven't even seen turn two of lap one! Because of this string of crashes my safety rating is down to the 4.50 range and that has been troubling me as much as the 500 iRating that I've lost.

Here's the thing though, safety rating, once a driver is at the A level, doesn't mean that much and yet each time on the race results screen I see my name with a -.17 safety rating and I cringe. In the back of my mind I know that number doesn't mean anything and yet I don't want to lose it. I don't know, perhaps this is simply human nature in not wanting to lose anything that is in our possession and if so the SR system is designed perfectly.

I am better than I used to be in handling losing rating points. In my first couple months of really being into iRacing a bad race would haunt me for several days as I thought about how hard I would have to work to get it back. Because of this iRacing was more like a job that had a workload that I couldn't complete and that blinded me to the reason why I enjoy iRacing so much and that is the side-by-side racing that it offers. Granted, those two races I've done that I didn't get to see turn two angered me, but thankfully it didn't shake me into a sabbatical this time.

I've used iRacing quite a few times in my blogs and each time I try to translate it into something that sheds more light on the autism spectrum and in this instance I really want to stress the point that we on the spectrum can have a hard time with imperfection or the loss of points on whatever is being scored. I can remember in 7th grade I had a streak for most of the 1st semester of 100% every paper and test in social studies. Grades were never important for me as school was a terrifying experience, but having that 100% streak became important. Then, there was a test that had a couple of trick questions and I missed two items on it and the perfection streak was over. I went from over caring to giving up instantly. I couldn't see that a couple tests each semester had huge amounts of extra credit that would off-set those missed questions because I was so blinded by the here and now.

Moving forward I always have to try and shake off the here and now. In life, if we measure everything based on each singular event then life can get rather overwhelming. I'm guilty of falling into this trap as I always have said, "you're only as good as your most recent..." and with that mentality when the going gets tough there's nothing to fall back on. In the mind of those on the spectrum there is no gray area so truly and also there can be a sense of a "everything is now" mentality so that means, when there's a bad outing, or a race lasts one turn, that is the sum of everything and nothing will be good again.

I hope this has brought a little bit more understanding to the potential reasons why some of us on the spectrum are perfectionists and why a bad outing can cause so much stress. I'm moving forward and I can't wait to get back on the track tonight and hopefully I can at least see lap two in the races I do this evening.

By the way, if you haven't voted in the Monsanto "Grow Saint Louis" contest could I ask you to do so? You can get there by clicking on the icon on the upper right of this page and then search by "TouchPoint." It only takes a few seconds, but the rewards to where I work are huge. If we win it's worth $15,000 and that money will help us continue to spread autism awareness and understanding. Thank you!!!