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Community is sometimes hard to describe, and it can mean different things. When I think of community, one word comes to mind: roots. To be in community means not only having friendships, but a home. Things that make you deeply connected to a place you live and work. When I think about being intentionally bold in community, a couple of specifics come to mind.

Be a Regular

When I lived in Waco, there were two restaurants where I was a regular. One was this Vietnamese place near campus called Clay Pot. I first learned about it when I was  graduate intern and some of my students forced me to try it. I was in love. When I came back to visit after that summer, I always met those students there. My first year working full-time at Baylor a couple of fellow new RDs and I would have newbie dinner and go to Clay Pot on a regular basis. It also become my stressful-day-comfort-food-take-out joint. It was also my “lets go some where local tonight” choice when eating out with friends. While I tried lots of things on the menu, I settled, quickly, on the Curry Chicken Clay Pot with one or two extra spring rolls. I learned that I just love curry. Let me tell you, if you are sick and can’t breathe, or are stopped up from crying over something awful that happened that day, this entree will open you right up! I knew I arrived at regular status when the owner, who usually is the only server in the joint, came up to me and a friend after we arrived. He handed her a menu and looked at me and said “do you need to look at the menu, or will you have your usual”. This was a very proud moment.

The other joint was this breakfast place called Cafe Cappucino. A friend and I went every Sunday after church for two years. We’d act like we were open to other options. We’d have the same conversation every week (we’d trade off who said what line- you know what they say about great minds):
“Do you want to do lunch”
“Sure, where should we go?”
“I don’t really care, where do you want to go?”
“I don’t care either. You pick.”
“No, You know I hate making decisions, you pick.”
“Ugh, don’t do this.”

Somehow, the car always ended up at Cafe Cap. I tried other things on the menu here too, but usually ended with one of two things: French Toast with a side of bacon, or an egg white veggie omelet if I felt the need to be healthy. And Coffee. Lots of coffee. We usually had the same waitress every week. Her name was Tina (although we weren’t sure for a while… we thought it might be Louise for a bit. One day, my friend asked another server….). We loved Tina. We knew her story. And we were really sad when we walked in one day and had another server. We asked about Tina and learned she quit. We might have come close to shedding tears. Imagine the relief when she returned a few months later… That was a close one. We knew how much people hated working there. How the manager wasn’t the nicest. Which explained the horrible service anytime we had someone other than Tina as our server. I learned that if I want my staff to serve our students/university well, it starts with how I treat them. We knew that everything decorative in the store came from Ikea. And that the paint in the bathroom reminded one of our students of tootsie rolls. Our food always came so fast, I think Tina told them what we would have before we ordered.

I loved being a regular. I loved being known, and having a relationship with these folks. It was a symbol of roots. I need to find that here. A local, hole in the wall place, where I can put roots down. Where I can learn the stories of the individuals who work there, while contributing to the local economy.

Service

I think it is so important to give back to the community you live in. One line of the Alpha Gamma Delta  purpose (the women’s fraternity of which I am a member)says:

To welcome the opportunity of contributing to the world’s work in the community where I am placed because of the joy of service thereby bestowed and the talent of leadership multiplied.

I love our purpose statement, I like what it means, and it fits with what I hold valuable in my life. But this line just makes me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. It also inspires me to find a place in my community to get deeply connected and give my time. I already volunteer as a care team counselor at my church, but I want to find a place to get plugged in outside the church walls. I’m leaning towards job prep/career planning specifically with women. I have to find a place where this fits.

I think this important for a number of reasons. First of all, I believe that God created each of us with unique gifts that fit needs of those around us. To not use those gifts are wasteful and I believe makes God sad. When more than one person contributes their gifts, these things are multiplied spreading the impact it has out like ripples on water. Secondly, I want my students to learn to be engaged in the world around them. I know that working with those who come from different backgrounds widens your perspective and makes you appreciate your blessings. How can I encourage them to be civicly minded if I’m not practicing that regularly myself?

When I look back at 2012, I want to see signs of deepening roots. What do roots look like to you?

I’ve been blessed to have friends who allow me the space to be that way; to be who I am. I have several close friends who I can go weeks without talking to but when we’re together it seems like no time has passed at all. {Ironic that several of these friends are also INFJs, which is funny because it is the rarest of MBTI combinations. I think there is a dissertation topic in there somewhere.} I’ve moved away from friends at various transition points, all of them until this year, happened natural separation points.  Thinking about 2011 reminds me how blessed I am in the area of relationships. And how much I want to be bolder in this area.

• I want to be intentional in relationships. I want to set aside time to keep in touch with old(er) friends. I want to write more letters, make more phone calls, send more emails. Be intentionally deeper in my attempts to stay in touch with those who matter most. I want to text message less- in many ways this technology has made me a worse friend.
• I want to go out on a limb more. As a strong Introvert who values deep friendships, it takes me a while to open up to people I don’t know. I have much too high of expectations sometimes. I want to be bolder in trying to make friends. This might mean putting myself in more situations where I can meet new people, even if I feel hopelessly awkward.

I have learned so much from my friends. I have laughed, been encouraged, cried together. It’s how life should be. What are you doing for relationships this year?

And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Photo Courtsey of Angel_Ina on Flickr

The pressure to embrace being bold first arose within the context of my faith. It as though God continues to bring this to mind through conversations with friends, church services, small groups, and my personal Bible Study. It is the context in which “bold” first came to mind. All the verses I shared in the introduction post are based on the idea of the Christian faith being worthy of boldness, regardless of the cost.

While I don’t have to worry, most likely that is, about my faith costing me my life or putting me in prison, I do worry about the impact it will have on my career. I have never said that in public. It is true that Christians, right along with Republicans, get a really bad rap in my profession, and I am terrified that some of the aspirations I have professionally will be inhibited by the fact that I’m a Christian. A Christian who believes in the Bible nonetheless. The truth is, while more and more people groups are becoming off limits to jokes, Christians are still fair game. I know professionals in my field who have specifically chosen not to hire student employees because they are open about being Christian. Someone once said “they {referring in general to all Christian students, not a student this person actually knew} won’t be able to relate with students from other religious backgrounds”.

I have never really known how to respond in those situations, but that is just ridiculous. Not to mention untruthful and hurtful. Sometimes I’ve tried to respond well, usually the good points come to mind much later. I’ve just kept my mouth shut mostly.

But I feel like I am coming to a crossroads where I have to decide what’s most important- my faith, or my career. (Don’t read too much into that, I cannot imagine a time in life where I am not working in higher ed unless I’m 80…maybe 70). I know what the answer is. I know which is most important. This year, I’m stepping out declaring it. I love working at faith-based institutions, but I do wish to get deeply involved within the overall profession as I grow professionally. However, I want to be bold and confident in my faith in Christ, even if that means I do not have a seat at the broader association levels in higher education.

I know that I am a better professional because of my faith, not to mention the obviousness of being a better human being, friend, etc. It is my faith that gives me compassion, empathy, and a desire to help students in crisis. It is my faith that spurs me to push myself and those I work with towards continual improvement. It is my faith that causes me to deeply value what makes each individual incredibly unique. My work as a professional has a much deeper meaning than just the student experience, I believe it has eternal value. Faith and spirituality is central to who I am as a person and how I interact with others.

So this year, I will focus on being a better representative of the Christian faith to the world around me. I will continue to make my relationship with Christ a priority in my life. I will trust His word, and His plan for my life in all circumstances. No matter the cost.

And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear. -Philippians 1:14

Photo Courtsey of Suzie Cheel

Every year some people choose one word as they start their new year to set a personal vision for what the next 12 months will hold. I’ve never done that, usually nothing spectacular comes to mind. I also am not a resolutions person. I prefer to make changes as I see the need for it and reflect as the year goes on rather than waiting for the magic day on the calendar.

This year though, there is a word that seems to keep surfacing in my spirit and around me. The word is Bold. I can’t help but feel that I need to own “bold” this year.

The Webster dictionary defines bold (adj.) in the following ways:

1. a: fearless before danger :intrepid

b: showing or requiring a fearless daring spirit

2. assured, confident

3.adventurous, free <a bold thinker>

4. standing out prominently

Since we have such a hope we are very bold. -2 Corinthians 3:12

And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear. -Philippians 1:14

Tonight I rang in 2012 at the wedding of a student here in Anderson, South Carolina. Last year, I rang it in as the on-call residence hall director in Waco, Texas, meaning I was at home in my pjs. I don’t remember last new year, which probably means I was asleep before midnight.

As I think over the last year, I am still astonished at what 2011 held, and where I am now as I start 2012. I must admit, saying goodbye to 2011 has me rather nostalgic.

What a crazy and joyful year full of hope, hurt, heartache, and promise. It saw the breaking of trust and then friendships while deepening others. It also found new friendships all together- in some strange unexpected places. 2011 was a hard year, in fresh and new ways. Some things that were welcomed and I cautiously expected hoped prayed eagerly for before their arrival.

Last January I was “outed” in my search for a new job. This was something I prayed about a lot over the last half of 2010, and begged God to open the right doors at the right time. My job search really started much earlier than January (actually began in July, but that was known to only a very trusted few), however, January led to this adventure becoming public. As someone who is her own best critic, I have always felt the need to guard this process and my heart in it very carefully. I kept my mouth shut (no small feat, mind you), and told only a few trusted confidants. But, as with anything, at some point, the search becomes public.

January meant that for me. It held two seemingly open doors- both appealing in very different ways. Two processes that while separated by thousands of miles would become so connected and move in such harmony, that I could not doubt God’s hand was all over it. I was surprised by where God was leading. It was exciting, new, and unexpected. An accidental, seemingly random door to me, but not to God. One of my favorite scripture verses, and one that brings me great comfort was on the front of my mind:

and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him -Acts 17: 26-27

One door closed leaving me shocked, hurt, distrustful, and surprised at who my real cheerleaders were. More importantly- I learned a valuable lesson about community. Community means trust. When you are in community with people, whether neighbors, family, co-workers, or friends, you have to trust them. Sometimes, they screw it up and don’t care for you in the way you trusted them or asked them too. Sometimes they do the wrong thing. However, more often, they do the right thing, in the completely wrong way. Both things hurt.

I’ve been on both ends of that this year- both giving and receiving the hurt.

This journey meant that I learned to confront people better. I learned to be honest about expectations and hurt. I learned to offer forgiveness even if I never really understand. I learned that forgiveness begins healing, but that healing does not mean everything returns to how it was. Healing does not always end like chick fliks.

By mid-March I had a really good idea that I was going to be making a cross country move. By the end of March, that move and it’s details were mostly confirmed. I was moving to South Carolina. To a state that started with a letter other than “T” for the first time in nine years. Over the next two months I packed, planned, and said good bye. It was nothing short of bittersweet.

The summer meant driving across the country, starting a new job, finding a new church, and all sorts of new adventures. I saw dear friends get married, have long awaited babies. I saw friends and family deal with unexpected and unexplainable loss of life, which reminds me of how precious and fleeting every day truly is.

This is why, in the midst of what was confusing, hard and made me anxious, I always felt peace and can look back on it all with a truly thankful heart. Isaiah 26:3 says:

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

This verse, much like oft-quoted Jeremiah 29:11 are promises of God in the midst of terrible circumstances. Life when they were issued, and immediately following them could in no way be considered prosperous, or outwardly peaceful. But, this stands as a reminder that when we stay focused on where God leads, we can trust that His long-term vision is for our good (Romans 8:28).

It means no matter what hard things happen, the end is absolutely worth it. I may not understand it now, or at any point this side of heaven, but I have trust because of who my Savior is, that there is a picture bigger than me in play.

This was certainly true this year. The changes and surprises that came over the last 12 months have helped me to grow greatly. Because of this year I’m a better friend, daughter, and employee. I’m more focused on God. I have a clearer picture of who I am and what I care about most. God has placed me exactly where I am, because He can use me best here. He also placed me here because it is exactly what I needed. I am thankful to be encouraged, affirmed, challenged, and trusted.

God’s picture for my life was so much greater than my own. For that I am so thankful.

So while I close 2011 with a heart that misses the home I had, I start 2012 with a heart deeply excited about the great things in store. May 2012 be a year that is altogether different but fully grand.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21

When I first moved to Anderson I traveled to our local DMV office with a cup of coffee and book in hand prepared for a wait. But, I was in and out with my new drivers license in about 10-15 minutes. The longest wait was for the card to print. Pleasantly surprised, I approached the counter to pick up my license with a huge smile on my face and tried to speak with the agent there. That attempt was met with cold silence. I thought that they must only hire people with horrible attitudes to work at the DMV.

I used to think the same thing about other certain occupations. Like the TSA. Those people are never pleasant. Aside from the fact I feel incredibly judged for every item I take, or if I forget to remove some piece of clothing, it is never a pleasant experience. There are never smiles. I guess when National Security is on the line you can’t smile?

One of my current neighbors works for the TSA at the airport in Greenville. She’s got a small dog so we see each other a few times a week while walking our dogs. I have noticed a pattern in our interactions. Before she goes to work, she is nice and very friendly. When she comes home from work, she is the opposite.

I thought about her a bit tonight while the cable guy was trying to get my HD box hooked up tonight. He got to my house around 6:30 and I was the last call on his work day. I’m sure he was hoping things would go smoothly and that he’d get to go home soon. But the box didn’t work. The second box had issues. It was soon approaching 8 and he was still working on my box. I know that he just wanted to go home and watch Dancing with the Stars (his words) but things weren’t going well.

I realized how I’m predisposed to assume the worst about DMV, Cable, and TSA workers. Their work often causes me to be inconvenienced. And I can imagine an 8+ hour work day that is full of disappointing people and inconveniencing people would be nothing short of a beat down. I’m not always kind when things don’t go as I planned and I imagine that on the scale of their work days I’m considered nice.

I just wonder, which came first the chicken or the egg?

I always assumed that disgruntled rude people worked in these jobs. But maybe the people in these jobs are that way because you and I make them that way. Maybe I should start assuming the best about those whose jobs are to inconvenience me (and therefore keep me safe, in most cases) and maybe I should try to make their job easier.

He and his wife live in the apartment that I was pretty sure hated me. They had this dog, (I learned they recently got rid of her) who ALWAYS barked at Tuck (or me, not sure) every time we went for a walk. She barked incecently. Of course, Tuck always stops to sniff the bushes in front of there the longest. So the dog keeps barking. I was SURE that the occupants of this apartment hated me walking my dog and were really sick of Tuck getting their poor little angel all excited. I quit walking him that way. And, they have a big sign in front of their unite that says no pooping. I’m always afraid Tuck’s gonna think that’s where he should go. I thought it best to avoid it all.

Turns out that whole thing was in my head. Go Figure.

Besides learning that maybe I should quit thinking all my neighbors hate me, I learned that my years working in housing have ruined me. I kept catching myself thinking “that’s not what you do” or “what about…” the whole time. Here are a few of my student affairs minded take aways:

1. The “Real World” does not care if people know your name. There were no name tags. No ice breakers or crazy name games. Nothing. People just shook hands, and said their name once. They left off the important things, like what picnic item they would take with them, or an adjective that describes them… How will people know who I am if they don’t know that I’m Sleepy Sarah and I take Sweet Tea to picnics?!
2. Ice is best left ignored. Unless it’s in a bowl for your drink. How are we supposed to build community if we don’t do awkward things like fall of ledges and expect people to catch us, or make giant knots with our hands? Nothing builds friendships like lack of personal space.
3. No one cares about the maintenance issues in your house. This lady was there, she was 79. She locked herself out of her apartment. The office was closed for the day. And, well, she was just out of luck and home until the next day. No one was around to let her in, and no employee of the complex was going to come get her an extra key. That’s just wrong. When she told people, the other residents were like, “well that stinks” and moved on to awkward silence. That’s just wrong. So one lady’s boyfriend jimmied the lock. That’s just awkward. And a little scary. If you need me, I’ll just be locking myself in my apartment, with a couch in front of the door.
4. Politics are everywhere. When I walked in, I stood next to this woman. I was trying to form a circle between two groups (Which failed, epically, of course). This woman did the introduction in point 1 and then told me that she was running for a spot on the HOA board and I should vote for her. I replied, “I’m a renter, so I don’t think I get to vote”. She replied “Oh, well nice to meet you”. Awesome. Glad my vote doesn’t matter. Let me just move to Florida. (Ironically, that’s where she is originally from.)
5. Don’t even try to merge social groups. Ok, so this isn’t that different from on campus housing. The main difference is that it’s a lot more awkward to try when it’s not your job. People just think you are that weird girl. Which I might be, but still.
6. It is a small world. I met a family from Sweden. They are here working in the states for a year. (For the record, they like our food better). I didn’t ask if they have better Ikeas over there…. Also, I met people originally from all over the US. Diversity is all around us.

I have learned a lot of lessons since I moved off campus. Tonight, I came home and thought, “Man, I really wish we had an RA”. Maybe I should pitch the idea to my landlord for a rent reduction or a meal plan? I could make some awesome door decs….

What are your biggest grown up life lessons?

Last week I took a couple of days off to pad my labor day weekend and make a road trip to Kentucky for a few days. My dear friend Grace is getting married next month, and her Bridal Luncheon was in Nashville Saturday. Additionally, my family typically has a gathering on Labor Day weekend so I thought I would make a trip of it. My new drive to mom and dad’s takes me through the mountains of Tennessee and North Carolina. It’s gorgeous.

But Thursday I had an extra surprise.

As I drove over the first crest nearing the foothills I saw what I have not seen in about five years. Orange and red and yellow leaves. There were not millions, but they were starting to appear. It was a reminder to me how much things have changed.

Since those leaves really started to grew to “adult” leaf size I have:

• Said see you later to some people who mean the world to me.
• Had a yard sale and sold a ton of my unneccessary stuff.
• Loaded a moving truck (with the help of 20+ great friends from point one) with everything that survived the yard sale.
• Drove my moving truck pulling my Rav across the country with only Tuck and my iPod for company.
• Got said moving truck stuck in two hotel parking lots, gotten frustrated to the point of tears, and played the girl card to get help getting it “unstuck”.
• Felt like an idiot when said Good Samaritans backed it up in a 3-point turn (I can do that in my RAV!!).
• Moved into my first ever Off Campus apartment.
• Learned how to get wax out of carpet.
• Learned how to keep my angry dog from eating all my stuff.
• Found a new church.
• Started a new job that I love, but still don’t completely understand.
• Relished in living where the SEC dominates football coverage.
• Watched my high school bestie get married.
• Celebrated with a college bestie getting engaged.
• Rejoiced with another dear college friend when she found out they were having a baby girl in November.
• Been able to drive to visit these folks in less than a day.
• Learned that I am allergic to an antibiotic and visited both the local urgent care and ER.
• Gotten hives for the first time ever (do not recommend).
• Remembered what it is like to live where you are allergic to everything around you. (where are my tape covered glasses and pocket protector?!)
• “Lost” my office key during the first orientation. (Don’t worry, my boss found it. Not sure which is worse- the loosing or the finding).
• Realized that I LOVE having walkie talkies, golf carts, and polo shirts.
• Eaten veggies straight from my grandpa’s garden for the first time in years.
• Watched part of a UK football game with my dad.
• Enjoyed lots of cool mornings with my coffee on the patio before I started my day.

The last five months have been full. Full of laughter and tears. Joy and sadness. I miss the home that I had in Waco, but I love being exactly where I am supposed to be. I love having no doubt that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be. There is so much joy and peace in that knowledge. And I have to admit, I don’t know what I was thinking when I moved away from seasons and multicolored leaves.

Now is one of those times and bittersweet would be that word. This word means to be both happy and sad. Glad and mournful. The next few weeks for me can only be described as bittersweet.

Last week I gleefully accepted a new job- Director of Student Activities at Anderson University in South Carolina. I am glad and this is sweet. The reasons for this are numerous. Anderson is a smaller school with only 2200 students where they are serious about the relationship of faith and learning. Since I love small places and incorporating faith and learning, this is perfect. My new job works closely with student leaders, which is my favorite part of what I do. I’ll get to work with orientation and student activities. These are the two areas I believe my career will remain in, and where my gifts are best used. Anderson is much closer to my family and many of my friends- I have family as close at two hours away, and friends as close as one. South Carolina has hills, mountains, lakes, and the ocean. The Southeastern Conference has more TV airtime than the Big 12. The city of Anderson seems like a safe, great place to live with good community and a church I cannot wait to check out. Not to mention, I will be living off campus. Since I moved to college I have lived on campus and I really think it’s time for a grown up place that doesn’t have fire drills.

However, the reasons are also numerous that this is bitter and sad. My time at Baylor has been fantastic. I have learned a lot about myself as a person and professional. The sum of my experiences here have prepared me for my new position. I love my students at Baylor, and will miss them terribly. The students who where freshmen when I started will be seniors this coming year, and I am sad to not see them graduate. When I move, I will be losing my community here. I have some amazing friends in Waco, some who are old friends from my Belmont days, but many have become friends only in the last year. These folks have been my biggest cheerleaders and encouragers through the job search process not to mention the struggles of day-to-day life. Community means so much more to me now as a result of my life in Waco. The idea of leaving my church and my community makes my heart mournful.

God’s timing is perfect, and that was clear to me every step of my application at Anderson. I know that He will be faithful to provide for me in Anderson as He has provided in Waco. I know that He is for me.

My heart is heavy leaving this place.

My heart is joyful leaving this place.

You’ve all heard stories like this one. A single mom is struggling to pay rent, put food on her kids tables and get to work. For whatever reason, the father of her children isn’t in the picture: maybe he was abusive and she fled, or maybe he died during military service. Why he’s not there is not so much the issue as is his lack of presence. One day, this woman’s car dies, and she’s stuck. She has to get to work or she’ll lose her job. But she can’t afford to fix the beater car she drives. Out of seemingly no where someone hears about her plight and purchases a new car for her. She didn’t ask for this gift, but it meets her needs. It allows her to focus on other needs she and her family have. It changes her future.

You have heard stories, or know people who have been impacted by the generosity of those who are more fortunate. You’ve probably also heard about how their lives have been changed by that. I dream of being that person. I want to have the resources to go to a church and say “I heard about the needs of this person. Here’s $10000, can someone go with her to buy a reliable used car? If it costs less than this, the money is hers. My only requirement is that she not know where it came from.” Then sit back and watch how a  blessing I have changes someone else’s life.

I want to do bigger things. It has always seemed that those bigger things were just dreams. A dream that is laden with someday.

This weekend I read Crazy Love by Francis Chan. The chapter titled “Your Best Life… Later” got me thinking more about these dreams. Chan paraphrases the story of the loaves and fishes in the Gospels. Jesus gathers a meager meal from one boy in the group of thousands, blesses it, and then hands it to the disciples to pass around. I always imagined the bread and fish multiplied on the spot so the disciples knew there was enough. But, when you read the story closer (Matthew 15), you find that the disciples most likely had to trust that Jesus would provide. So did the other 4000. And He did provide. They all ate enough. Enough to meet their needs, not their excess. The same is true of the Israelites in the desert after leaving Egypt- they had manna, quail, water, and clothes that did not wear out. Chances are they probably got tired of those things, but every day they were reminded of how much God provided. If I am honest with myself, I know that God has provided for me. I have more than enough to meet my needs. I am too comfortable with my excess. Chan said later in the same chapter

The gap is so extreme in our world that we have to take lightly passages such as Luke 12:33: “Sell your possessions and give to the poor.” How else can I walk out of a mud shack and back into my two-thousand-square-foot house without doing anything? The concept of downsizing so that others might upgrade is biblical, beautiful . .. and nearly unheard of. We either close the gap or don’t take the words of the Bible literally.

That is powerful. I dream of doing something big and radically changing lives when I have more in the far off future. But the reality is that I have more right now than many in the world will ever have.

I believe that God is calling me to be faithful in the excess I have now so that in the future I can be faithful in the bigger things.

This call could mean a lot of things. I’m not really sure yet what it is practically. I just know that I cannot wait for God to give me even larger blessings in the future if I’m not using the smaller ones to impact the kingdom right now.

Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!

Matthew 25:21

In what ways is God calling you to be faithful in small ways now to your big future dreams?

Interested in reading Crazy Love? Buy it here.