Life Tips to Steak Tips

Surviving Six Flags

2010-07-19T16:32:00.002-04:00

So since summer time is throwing heat wave after heat wave at us, I decided to do a non-traditional post and give you my own personal tips (based off of personal experience from Friday) on how to survive your next trip to Six Flags!

ENJOY, YA FLOOZIES!

High School reunion

2010-07-13T17:47:00.004-04:00

So check it out peeps -- decided to do something new and have some fun with this. I HATE not having time to get the usual 2 posts a day up for you, so I decided to make it worth your while to have a one-post-a-week shot. Presenting...

LIFE TIPS TO STEAK TIPS, IN AUDIO/VIDEO STYLE!!!

As always, leave your comments ya dirty fahks, either on here or on the YouTube account. AND pass this shizz to your friends, or that might not be a fudgicle you pull out of the freezer next time (see, it's funny because I said I'd leave a log of my poop in your freezer.) ENJOY!!

First date

2010-07-01T12:27:00.004-04:00

Paul has a question about setting up a first date.

I'm trying to plan a first date- any suggestions?

Answer: I'm a huge believer of going for the FUN first date as opposed to the romantic first date. I've said it before, and I'll probaby say it again a kajillion times -- real life ISN'T like The Notebook, and I still wanna take a nice, steaming, baked-beans crap on the producers of the flick for ruining the lives of every guy alive. And quite frankly, I think if you go the romantic route for the first date, the girl will be slightly creeped and bail out.

That said, since it's summer and it's nice out pretty much anywhere you go, bring the girl to a beach and walk around for a bit by the ocean (I know I said not romantic, but I'm not talking a candlelit dinner on the beach), then take her out for ice cream after. Or you can combo some mini-golf with dinner at a nice place (yeah...you MIGHT have to dig deeper into the pockets than just a quick trip to the Mickey D's Value Meal). Another fun idea -- go to a ball game if you live near a stadium/park. BUT make sure you guys get together beforehand so you have time to hang out and talk...because you're obviously not going to get the chance to talk and get to know each other better at the ball game, but like I said...that's a fun idea for a nice summer night.

Of course, you could always just go to a bar, roofie her, drag her ass to a hotel room and let her wake up wondering what she did with her life for 12 hours...but going all Joran van der Sloot on a chick isn't really the smartest thing to do.

Business Advice

2010-07-01T12:10:00.002-04:00

Don't name your business something idiotarded. But shoutout to "in the pink" for giving me some easy-pickin's on this Thursday.

Also, special shoutout to my girl Kaylee Greer for posting this chestnut on Facebook last night. (Yeah, I know...I know insanely attractive people.)

Friends with the ex

2010-06-30T11:40:00.003-04:00

Brandon has a question about his ex-girlfriend hitting him up on the ole Facebook. Take it away, Brand-o.

Should I accept my ex's friend request on fb?

Answer: Depends -- was the broad a total psycho, or is she chill? Because if she's a total psycho, then I'd say no...because her bitch ass is just trying to check up on you. Ya know, see what other chicks write on your wall, see what statuses you put up about who you're hanging with, check your pics to see if you're chillin with other girls. So yeah, if she's the kind of girl who should dry-hump a padded cell, I say reject that sh*t.

BUT...if she's a chill girl and not really that dramatic, well -- WHY THE F*CK DID YOU BREAK UP WITH HER IN THE FIRST PLACE? You know how many of those kinds of girls exist in the world? Exactly 5 -- girls like that are like the f*cking golden tickets from the Willy Wonka movie.

Advice for Elena Kagan

2010-06-30T11:04:00.002-04:00

This isn't a question I'm answering, but more or less some personal advice. I'm not into politics AT ALL, but I couldn't help but notice that this chick that's all over the news lately, Elena Kagan, happens to look A LOT like Kevin James.

I'm just sayin...when you look like the fat guy from King of Queens, and you're genetic makeup doesn't involve having a penis, you should probably get some work done.

Best friend hookup

2010-04-29T12:03:00.003-04:00

Julie has a question about wanting to get with her best friend, who happens to be a guy.

I'm not sure why, but lately I've kinda been into my best friend Tommy. And by into, I mean I want him in me. I know it sounds bad but I seriously just want to tackle the kid whenever I see him. YOu think it's just a phase?

Answer: Phase? Honey, this ain't the movies...it's real life. You don't sit there being best friends with someone for a while and then randomly realize that you've fallen in love with the person. Sorry, that doesn't happen in real life, and if it does...well, that's just lame.

As far as your situation goes though, because you aren't exactly looking for love it sounds like, just someone to give you a pounding like the classy broad you are, it depends on Tommy's deal. Is he dating some other chick? He engaged? Married? Like, are you trying to just get your rocks off, or are you gonna be charting into homewrecking territory? Because I gotta say, you're not really sounding like a stand-up woman based on your question. I feel like I could be driving by the intersection of Open Legs Blvd and Shaved Vag Ln and find you just hangin out waving to passers-by.

My advice? If neither of you have any strings attached, and he actually finds you somewhat attractive...why the hell not? Everyone deserves to have some fun here and there -- why not with a best friend? But if either of you are vagbag enough to sit there and be like "OMGZ ORGASMZ MEANZ WE R IN LUVZ"...then, I'd keep the "Bat Cave" hidden underground so the "Batmobile" can't be parked inside.

Self high-five for relating sex to Batman. I reek of stellarocity.

Acquaintance crush

2010-04-29T11:16:00.003-04:00

Ashley has a question about someone she's interested in that's an acquaintance. Let it roll!

I have a crush on a guy that's a casual acquaintance- I'm kinda old fashioned when it comes to the whole dating thing in the way that I like a guy to pursue me. What should I do to let him know I'm interested?

Answer: See, this is partly why I can't stand broads. Don't get me wrong, the whole making out and casual hookup and random drunk sex thing is awesome (CORRECTION...WAS awesome before I met my awesome girlfriend), but the bullsh*t you put us fellas through is so stupid. We're guys...we're dumb, and God only gave us enough blood to circulate through one of our heads, and I'll give you 3 guesses as to which one the blood usually chills in. You'll only need to use one. Simply put? When you're into us and just waiting around for us to make a move, and then get pissed off when we don't, we don't get why you're mad at us.

I'd say drop the guy hints, but that would completely negate what we just told you. And quite honestly, depending on the guy, games aren't exactly at the top of our list to play with girls unless it has to do with Twister, booze, and lack of clothing. But you HAVE to at least show SOME interest so he can get the hint to make a move (if he's not as brazen as some other guys), so just say "Hey let's grab some coffee/ice cream/drinks/whatever-the-hell-you-wanna-go-get" and then let HIM make the next move.

Either that, or just throw yourself at him. I mean, old-fashioned or not, it IS 2010, and 85% of girls are total whorebags. (Self high-five to landing a girl that's in the 15% range of awesomeness. Another self high-five for openly admitting that I need to kiss my girlfriend's ass after I'm a wiseass on this blog and poop on girls...not in the Cleveland Steamer way.)

Coming out to the family

2010-04-28T12:03:00.002-04:00

Sandra has a question about dropping a bomb on her family (not a legit bomb, and not the code word for a huge fart, but a big piece of news kind of bomb. I'm also pretty sure the FBI is gonna show up at my door now since I used the bomb so many times in one sentence. Anyway, onto the question...)

Hey Jadd. I'm a college student and have been into girls for the last few years, but I always covered it up as bi-curious. Well, college has made me realize I'm a full-blown lesbian (the lipstick kind, not the butch kind in case you're wondering). Anyway, my younger sister knows and when we were fighting a couple months ago, she told them that I was dating someone but didn't tell them it was a girl, and now they want to meet her. How should I break the news that it's a girl before they meet?

Answer: Did you seriously have to write me a f*cking book to ask one simple question? Anyway...first off, your sister is a total assh*le. Like, I get being in an argument with someone and being pissed and throwing them under the bus about stuff you normally wouldn't, but your sister is a Grade A C*nt Kabob for doing that to you. But karma's a bitch, so she'll probably get knocked up by some random dude who's gonna bail on her and the kid, so whatever, she'll get hers.

Either way, just straight up be honest with them. Sit them down and be like "Look, I love you Mom and Dad, but I also love the cooch." (Obviously don't use those exact words, but you get what I'm saying.) They're your parents, and unless they're total asshats like your c*ck-mongel of a sister, they'll love you either way. That's not to say they won't choke on their asparagus or spit out their wine, but they SHOULD base their love for you on who you are, not what organ you decide to have sex with.

And hey, if they're total homophobes about it and disown you, then that's your fault for asking me instead of someone who's had to come out of the closet before. But really, if your parents seem happy for you because you've found someone that treats you right and makes you happy, then they should have no problem with it. You know, once they realize that the giggling they heard from behind your bedroom door all those years wasn't you and your lady friend playing My Little Pony.

Girls kissing

2010-04-28T11:34:00.004-04:00

Paul has a question about his girlfriend's fondness of...other girls. (Score!)

Yo man, sometimes when my chick gets wasted she makes out with other girls and it's startin to kinda piss me off. Am I overreacting?

Answer: Eh...yes and no, but tt kinda depends who she's kissing and how often. If she gets drunk with her friends and all them broads are just joking around and they plant one on each other, then I say no big deal really. Because honestly, what drunk girl friends DON'T kiss each other when they're drunk? Besides, usually it's a one and done kinda thing anyway. But if she's walking around the bar making out with random broads and slobbering all over them, then yeah, I say you have every right to be pissed. It's one thing to peck a friend, it's another thing to suck on some random person's tongue.

More clear example? I dated a broad once (who inevitably turned out to be a huge c*nt, but that's besides the point) who pecked her twin sister on the lips for a couple seconds one night while we were out. I laughed. But if she would've gone up to some random chicks and done that -- yeah, not cool. And quite honestly, your girlfriend sounds like a slampig, because most chicks kiss each other just for attention -- GUYS attention. So basically, you have an attention whore of a girlfriend, and you should probably drop her dumb ass.

Teeth job?

2010-04-26T12:02:00.003-04:00

Amy has a question about her teeth and...well, just check out the question.

Do guys like a girl to use teeth while they're getting head?

Answer: I can answer this question with another question -- do you broads enjoy when fellas use your t*ts as punching bags?

Didn't think so. Here, I'll give you a nice little hint on what NOT to do during a blowj*b, complete with visual aid! Watch the video below. You're welcome, you dumb virgin.

Fantasy baseball stuff

2010-04-23T11:53:00.003-04:00

Josh has a Fantasy Baseball-related question.

Yo man, I have Cliff Lee stashed in my DL spot for my fantasy league, but I just had another one of my starters go on the DL, too. Pickins are slim for a replacement...can you give me a few suggestions?

Answer: Same thing happens to me EVERY single year and I get so heated. Then I thank my lucky stars that it's just my fantasy baseball roster that gets put on the DL because of an injury and not my penis unable to perform because of an STD, but I digress...

Best pickups if they're not taken right now are Shawn Marcum, Colby Lewis, Jaime Garcia, CJ Wilson, and even though he has a name perfect for a porn star...Doug Fister. (I hear Fister is REALLY good with those backdoor pitches....HUZZAH!!)

If none of them are available, well..you're screwed, sir. And since this post wasn't really that funny...yo motha's a whore.

Best friend hookup?

2010-04-22T12:36:00.003-04:00

Jacklyn has a question about her boyfriend's best friend, who just so happens to have a vagina. (Not in the insult sense, but in the actual lack-of-penis-between-your-legs sense)

My boyfriend's best friend is a girl, and she's pretty attractive and stuff. Whenever we all hang out, they always hug each other hello and goodbye and joke around and laugh/smile at each other a lot. I think they're hooking up behind my back. What should I do?

Answer: You should jam on the brakes at the corner of Hold the F*ck On Avenue and You're An Idiotard Lane. Seriously? Is this an actual serious question?

Look broad, I'm gonna tell you and every other chick in the world this ONCE -- guys are allowed to have close friends that happen to have breasticular fortitude and NOT feel the need to hook up with them. On top of that, they're allowed to have friends that are f*cking sexy and look better than you in a bikini WITHOUT immediately having to deal with the whole "YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME" bullsh*t.

As far as your issues with them -- that they hug each other when they're saying hello and goodbye and that they joke around? THAT'S WHY THEY'RE BEST FRIENDS, YOU ASS-NUGGET!! Look, I'll be the first one to admit that there are some total assh*le guys out there that d*ck around with chicks (and in return, you broads like to screw with us at the same time), but generally if a dude doesn't want to be in a relationship, HE WON'T BE. And if you're biggest issue with your boyfriend is that he hugs his best friend when they say hello, then you have bigger problems to deal with -- like you're psychoticness.

Just lay back and chill on it and don't keep assuming they're banging or else you're gonna drive yourself insane (well, MORE insane) and totally push your boyfriend away, and then you'll end up single and bitch about that for 3 months. So seriously, let the dude have his friends and trust him...unless he's given you a reason to not trust him, in which case...yeah, he's probably throwing it in her.

Cheating dreams

2010-04-22T12:03:00.003-04:00

Zack has a question about a dream she had that might not make her boyfriend happy.

I had a dream that I cheated on my girlfriend last night, and when I woke up I was relieved but I feel so awful about it and she keeps asking me what's wrong because I'm quiet. Should I tell her?

Answer: What are you a f*cking idiot? Yeah, I'll tell you what...go ahead and do that, tell her that you had a dream of ramming some other broad and e-mail me back and tell me how that ends up for ya.

No, dumbass, you shouldn't tell her. First off, you can't help your dreams and it's not like you really were throwin your hot dog in between countless buns, you dreamt it, which means it's not real. It doesn't even mean you wish it'd happen, because I've had plenty of dreams back in the day about things/people I'd never have a remote interest in. On top of that, if you tell your girl that, you're just asking for a fight, because the better 97% of chicks in this world are bat sh*t crazy and will sit there CONVINCED you want to cheat on her.

It's really just gonna cause a stupid, pointless argument, so keep it to yourself. And while you're at it, let your f*cking testicles drop a bit and stop acting like such a p*ssy.

Lingerie

2010-04-20T12:44:00.003-04:00

Melissa had a question that she actually Tweeted to me (you can follow me here) about lingerie that her ex bought.

if your boyfriend buys you a bunch of lingerie and you break up before wearing it... who gets custody of the underwear?

Answer: I'm a firm believer in whatever someone buys for another person during a relationship stays with the person it was bought for unless the buyer asks for it back. In plain English -- if your dude buys you lingerie and then you guys break up, it's yours for the keeping unless he's douche enough to ask for it back.

And let's be real, if he's douche enough to ask for it back, he'll be douche enough to give it to the next girl he bangs after you and say that he bought it just for her. Ya know, assuming his rebound isn't 300 pounds heavier. In which case, the joke (and lack of oxygen supply) will be on him.

Midget sex

2010-04-19T11:49:00.004-04:00

Charlie has quite possibly the best question ever asked on this blog...ever.

dude, i have an obsession with midgets. and i really wanna, you know, hook up with one... but i'm in a relationship. BUT i'm thinking... since they're small, they can't really count, right? like it'd take atleast 2 to be a complete cheat, ya know?

Answer: First off, I want to shake your hand. Secondly, I'd love to buy you a beer (I don't care how homoerotic that sounds, it's fact). And lastly, I'd love to take this time to plug Rent-A-Midget.com, which provided hours of entertainment for me and my buddies during my college days.

Now onto your awesome, AWESOME question. It's my belief that people have different skill levels in bed based on their appearance. So as far as midget goes, well...I feel like they might think they come up just a tad short (high-five for an obvious pun) in the looks department (since people don't really check them out as much as stare at them in amazement), so they make sure they rock some bedroom skills. That said, as AWESOME as it'd be to tell your buddies that you actually used a chick for a sweet bicep workout while having sex with her at the same time, I don't think it's worth wrecking a relationship.

So, fellow midget-obsessor, I say stick to your midget porn and the viruses your comp gets from looking at it, and remain loyal to your girlfriend. Plus, if you don't cheat and you stay with your girlfriend, you can work on becoming the first person to have a "two-and-a-halfsome."

Who gets custody of friends in a breakup?

2010-04-16T11:29:00.002-04:00

Marissa has a question about how you keep mutual friends after a breakup.

me and my boyfriend have been together for about 10yrs. and i think we're gonna break up... which i'm actually ok with since our relationship went stale a long time ago and i went through my mourning period for it already. my real concern is our friends. i mean in 10yrs we mingled all our friends. how does this work? do we need to split them up like a custody agreement? you get them every other weekend and xmas, i get them weekdays and other holidays? i know it sound dumb- but its really bugging me.

Answer: Oh hey so let's recap real quick -- you've been dating a dude forever and have known for a while that you didn't wanna be in the relationship anymore to the point that you've already gone through your "mourning period", yet you're still in it. Let's pause from this post for a second...who wants to take a bet that this chick has spread her legs for half her town already without her boyfriend knowing? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

I'm dead serious on this...screw the friend question. Guys get such a bad rap for either not being deep enough with their girl (emotionally...get your head outta the gutter ya virgin), wanting to spend "too much time" with the boys, or getting the ever-popular "he's such an assh*le" label, but this broad can sit there and be like "Yup. I'm in a relationship with a dude that I don't like anymore, but I'm just in it because I got nothing better to do so I'm gonna waste his time" -- and girls like this get sympathy all the time. No, f*ck you.

Okay, now that I'm done verbally ripping this girl apart more than I rip apart my oversized lobsters during the summer, I'll get to the question. As far as mutual friends go, well...they gotta realize that it's still cool to be friends with both of you. And I'm sure they're down with it, because no one really wants to get in the middle of any drama between 2 people (of course, you'll always have the drama queens that get pissed when you don't take their side, but f*ck 'em.)

But I can already tell you what's gonna happen because I'm that damn good. All the lady mutual friends are gonna side with you, because vaginas stick together like Steve-O's ass cheeks when he got them pierced together (crazy mother f*cker), and all the fella mutual friends are gonna side with your boyfriend because of what a total assbag you're being. Plus in all honesty, you sound like you're a big enough bag of suck that they haven't liked you for a while, and have already gone through the mourning process of your friendship being over.

You c*nt kabob.

Obsessed with celebs

2010-04-16T10:57:00.004-04:00

Vance has a question about a new girl he's dating.

this girl i'm dating is obsessed with that big douchebag couple on the hills. should i get out now or is a chance she's as cool as she seems so far (well, when you don't factor the hills thing)?

Answer: Well yeah, there's a chance that she's as cool as she seems...but there's also a chance that she's a high maintenance broad that will suck the life out of you. And by life, I don't mean your penis.

But it's tough to help you out when I don't exactly know what you mean by obsessed. Like, does she just watch The Hills and that's it, or does she sit there by her computer constantly hitting "refresh" on their Twitter pages? Did she just watch Spencer on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, or did she go out and buy Heidi's album and ACTUALLY think she has some shred of talent other than having a great face to put on a target?

I wouldn't count the girl out yet, but I'd be cautious. Because I know some broads that act like total "fans" and get WAYYYY into some celebs, and they're more or less bat sh*t crazy. Like...crazy to the point where I don't even think pills and a padded cell can help these chicks. But yeah, hang in for now and hopefully she doesn't suck the life outta you unless it's for the positive.

(That time I meant oral sex.)

Red wine ruins dates?

2010-04-15T12:29:00.002-04:00

Louise has a question about drinking red wine on a date.

i'm going on a date with a new guy tonight and i think we're going to a nice steakhouse, and i usually order red wine with steak... but i'm not sure if i should cause it might stain my teeth while i drink it- but i love it and i know it'll help me relax (i really like this guy so i'm super nervous). should i drink it or not? i don't know if that's a major turn off to guys.

Answer: It amazes me how much broads worry and the completely silly and random sh*t that worry about.

Look here muffin -- a dude isn't gonna care if you get a little red wine stain on your pearly whites, as long as you show up with actual pearly whites. Truth is, the dude's gonna see you drink and probably down some beer or wine too -- and us fellas are usually clumsy when we're trying to sell ourselves like cheap sluts to a girl, which means he'll probably end up wearing some of it. (I'd like to pause right here to send a heads up to all fellas -- if you ever spill red wine on your lap, don't compare it to getting your period. That cost me a second date with a hot chick once.)

But seriously, as long as you show up with white teeth and not yellow, green, or black teeth (or no teeth at all), then you'll be fine if you get a little red wine stain on them. If you're THAT neurotic, get those little finger brusher things that Crest puts out...but I really wouldn't worry about it.

Because odds are he's just gonna be looking at your t*ts anyway.

Double cheating

2010-04-15T12:10:00.002-04:00

(Remember when that dude got shanked on a boat? Whammy.)

Jennifer has a question about her friends' relationship that is the opposite of healthy.

i'm friends with a couple... but was friends with each separately before their relationship so i have an individual loyalty to both. i know it's on the rocks and they're on their way out (they both cheated, and i think he's waiting till he finds someone before he breaks it off with her)... but she doesn't wanna accept that it's ending. i'm pretty sure she's trying to get pregnant cause she thinks that'll make them stay together. should i tell the guy? cause on one hand she's being devious... but on the other hand he's sticking around for the sex and isn't being extra careful knowing he wants to leave her.

Answer: Ya know, this situation sounds so f*cked up that normally I'd say you should just lay back, break out the extra-buttered popcorn, and enjoy the show. But the chick in this relationship is being a total c*nt-kabob. I'm not saying the dude is an angel, because he clearly reeks of a bag of suck (and probably fat women's vaginas), but his cheating isn't affecting their future (because let's be real, their future is a breakup...he's just adding to it.) But this chick is trying to trap him by getting knocked up so she's like "Oh hey by the way I have your tadpole swimming in my vagina-egg sooooo now we're tied together for life. YAYZ I WINZ!"

I know I'm usually a wiseass, but bringing a kid into this world for the sole purpose of trying to keep a relationship together is just a move that reeks of salty twats. Like I said, normally I'd say just watch the entertainment happen, but this is a whole new level of chick psychoticness -- I'd say tell the dude to stop railing her or to at least wrap his herpes stick. Yeah, you don't wanna get in the middle, but just imagine the f*ckload of drama you're gonna have if that bitch actually DOES get knocked up.

(Not to mention he sounds like a big enough c*ckbag that he'd dropkick her in the stomach just to make her lose the baby.)

Dating an old guy

2010-04-14T11:53:00.003-04:00

(As long as it ain't this guy...)

Michelle has a question about age difference in dating.

So I've been seeing a guy for a few months that is significantly older than me. I just turned 27 in Feb, but he is 45. It started out as just a fling and thats all it was suppose to be, but now its turned pretty serious. I know age is just a number but how old is too old?

Answer: So you're dating old man river...and that actually ATTRACTS you? On top of that, you just wanted to have a fling, but his old cob-webbed balls actually made you want a relationship? It's pretty clear someone has daddy issues...

In all seriousness, I've heard of A LOT worse than 45 and 27 (although it's REALLY creepy if you think about him being 18 and starting college while you were sliding out of your mother's vaghole covered in goo), but then again maybe I'm the only one with that kind of time on my hands. Seriously though, it's NOT that bad. You've already graduated college and you're at least close to that point where you go from a psycho broad to a mature chill woman (if you haven't hit it already), and it's not like the dude is 80 years old confined to a wheelchair with a permanent puddle of drool on his chin, so I don't really see anything wrong with your situation. Except...

...how's it feel to have a dude old enough to be your father throw it in you?

Dudes obsessed with pampering

2010-04-14T11:20:00.004-04:00

Vanessa has a question about her boyfriend's "primping" needs.

my boyfriend primps more than i do. i mean, not just an extra glance in the mirror... he gets his hair highlighted, eyebrows waxed, facials- all that kinda stuff. i get my hair trimmed once every 6 months and don't put much more into my daily look than moisturizer and mascara. should i be nervous about his primping obsession?

Answer: Oh you poor girl Vanessa!! How dare your boyfriend actually take care of himself so that he's not walking around town with you looking like a drugged out, greasy-haired, smelly piece of white trash that probably has been wearing the same underwear for 2 weeks and hasn't showered for 3. How AWFUL of your boyfriend.

The thing is, I'm not sure what you should be more worried about -- the fact that from your description, it seems like you probably look like a hippie who can pull a Rapunzel with her vag hair, or that you're dating a gay man.

Little Black Dress

2010-04-13T12:37:00.002-04:00

Amy has a question about dresses.

Everyone says that a girl needs a sexy little black dress to drive guys crazy, but I like the way red looks on me. Why do I need a black one?

Answer: Because most people are also dumbasses that think they can sue McDonald's for giving them a hot cup of coffee that they spill on themselves (and even bigger dumbasses that award money to the person who spills the coffee.)

Common sense is a dead theme in society...if you need further proof, look at the questions I get on this blog (like last one I just answered. Go ahead, check it out...you'll see what I mean.) As far as the question about your dress goes, I'll be blunt with you. Guys don't give a f*ck what color clothes you wear as long as you look hot in it.

(And if a guy does give a rat's ass what color dress you're wearing, move on because he enjoys spending his free time at the Hershey factory....packing fudge.)

Penis nicknames (v2.0)

2010-04-13T12:02:00.003-04:00

(Nope, that ain't an elephant trunk. )

Kristen has a question about her boyfriend and what he calls his peen.

Hey Jadd. My boyfriend recently decided ton ame his penis "mommy." So he'll sit there and say stuff like "Ohhh I can't wait til my hard momma is inside of you" and "Yeah come on mommy make her explode." It's kinda freaking me out. What should I do?

Answer: Simple. Call your best friend (guy or girl, doesn't matter) to go over to your place. Once they get there, the 2 of you go out to your car and open one of the doors. Once it's open, you get on your knees and put your head halfway inside the car so that your ear is against the edge of it. Then, have your friend shut the door as hard as he/she can on your head. With any luck, it'll either: 1) Knock some sense into you, or 2) Split your head open and give you a concussion. But hopefully, you 3) End up getting brain damage and aren't able to type questions into my blog anymore.

In all seriousness, dump this freak. Not even for the fact that he calls his d*ck "mommy" -- which is disturbing enough by itself. But the fact that he actually came up with a name for his penis on his own makes him a f*cking idiot. I can't even come up with a word that makes him sounds a f*cking brainlessly stupid and idiotarded as he actually is. What dude in his right mind names his own d*ck? The fact that he thought his d*ck actually needed a name makes me wanna take a pitchfork and stab him in the daddyspot with it. If there's ANY time a dude's penis has a name, it should be given by his chick.

P.S. If he thinks it's a turn on for you to hear "Give her an orgasm, Mommy" -- well, I'd congratulate you on taking someone's virginity, but it's clear Momma Bear already took care of that for her baby boy. Run...fast. Seriously...get the f*ck outta there.

Exes coming back

2010-04-06T13:01:00.003-04:00

Tyler has a question about an ex that's doing the ole "crawl back."

Yo bro. This girl I dated for a bit ended up cheating on me then dumping me a few months ago, but now she's saying she wants to get back together and she made a mistake. I still kinda like her but she kinda stomped on me a bit, ya know? What should I do?

Answer: Simple -- f*ck her and chuck her.

No lie...since that broad couldn't keep her legs closed for you, you have every right to channel your inner-assh*le and f*ck that broad over. So play all nice...do the whole "Oh baby I forgive you, it's ok, we all make mistakes and everyone deserves a second chance" -- get yourself some ass from her, then drop that bitch like the sack of chlamydia she is. (Hey, forgiving is nice...but revenge is sa-weet.)

P.S. Girls who take offense to this post, well...you should probably keep your legs closed and be loyal to your boyfriends, too. Because if one of you broads wrote in asking this same question, I'd tell you to do the same thing, with possible castration added in.