Just as you hold a story about yourself, you hold assessments about others. This is a human thing – to create assessments about others as a shortcut to interaction. Notice that when you are in a leadership role, your assessments matter a great deal more than if you are merely a coworker.

The theory of expectations affects the performance of the people on your team. If you expect Sally will always make errors or that Johnny will always have a creative idea, you will tend to reinforce that belief through how you react to them. With Sally it will be “Oh, here we go again!” which will breed a mood of anxiety for both of you in your conversations. Meanwhile, you’re more likely to overlook Johnny’s issues yet leap on his every idea because “he’s so creative!”

The most powerful thing you can do as a leader is get to know your people more deeply. Learn who they are behind the superficial. Find out what makes them tick, what turns them on, what gets in their way. The more you know, the more you’ll notice that EVERY person on your team has things they do well and things at which they struggle. Then you can coach them to improve or reallocate work so you’re not expecting something they cannot deliver.

Then consciously change your story. Expect the best of everyone, according to their strengths, and prepare to be amazed at what people can deliver when they are not stuck in the story you’ve created about them.

Create Connections. Lead Well. Be Happy.

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a Leader who purposely creates and holds positive stories and expectations about others to support their growth and learning.

Photo Credit:  Roland Tanglao via Compfight

If you’ve ever taken a personality assessment (like MBTI, DiSC, or a host of others) you know that for all the uniqueness of the 6 Billion people on earth, we all resonate with one of about a dozen core personality styles. Whether you name your style using letters, words, colors, or earth elements, you can improve interaction with others when you understand your own behavior preferences and make deliberate choices to adjust to others’ preferences.

In a like way, we all have a core story, or assessment, we believe about ourselves, and there’s only a handful of those. I’m not talking about the stories you’ve made up about who you are or pretend to be. I’m talking about your core belief about self. We call this your Master Assessment (MA).

Your Master Assessment was planted in you by the culture of your upbringing. First, there was your family/community culture, then the culture of the socio-economic group of which your family was a member, which nestled inside of a city or region or country that also had stories about itself.

You are “innocent” in the acquisition of your Master Assessment – the world trained you in it. So there is no good or bad in your MA – it just is. The question is, WHAT is it, and how does it affect you?

What’s your story? I mean the one you tell yourself deep down, when you think nobody else is listening? Or sometimes, so deep down that even YOU are not listening?

Think about a tree. The branches and leaves represent the most visible parts of you, the way you interact with others, the ways you “put yourself out there” in the world. The leaves and branches change throughout the year, just as you adjust your behavior to the situations and “seasons” of your life.

The trunk is your core personality, the part you keep behind a thicker skin (your bark). In your trunk is your history, just as the rings in the trunk of a tree will tell the history of that tree. This part of you changes more slowly as you add layers each year.

Below ground are your roots – the stories and assessments and learnings of your past, the things that fed you growing up. These assessments are invisible, yet they are strong and persistent like the roots of a tree, weaving their fingers into everything and holding on fiercely. Sometimes roots (your stories) get moved or removed, forcing growth in another direction. But the main root, your Master Assessment, never changes – it is what holds you up and holds you in place.

Your MA is fundamental to how you show up in the world, always sitting below the surface, and most often showing up when you feel stressed. You probably notice your MA as the conversation you have in your head, with yourself.

Here are the six Master Assessments. Each of us holds one or two of these in our deep roots. Which one is yours?

1. I can. (I have the opportunity, I have permission, it’s OK for me to try, it is possible for me to succeed)
2. I can’t. (I do not have permission, no one will let me, it is not possible for me to succeed, I don’t have a chance)
3. I’m loveable. (I deserve love and affection, I am important to others, I have a place in the world)
4. I’m unlovable. (I am not important, people treat me well only because they are being polite, I do not deserve to be loved or trusted)
5. I should be able to. (I am entitled, I deserve to have what I want, I am better than you, I’m special)
6. I’m not good enough. (I am insufficient, others are better than me, no one wants what I have to offer, I have to try harder)

Each MA is rooted in a different emotional space, and can have both positive and negative impacts on how you live your life:

• I Can creates the mood of Ambition. I Can looks forward to foster optimism and action. I Can believes Happiness is possible, if I work toward it. On the flip side, living always in I Can may cause me to overestimate my chances, or to move forward before I’m fully prepared.
• I Can’t creates a mood of Resentment, even Anger. On a positive note, anger spurs me to action, blasting through obstacles in order to take care of myself. If I’m unaware of I Can’t, however, I can end up paralyzed because all I can see are the obstacles in my path, to the point where I lose hope. Thus, I Can’t may either fight for Happiness OR give up entirely because I don’t see it as possible for me.
• I’m Loveable creates a mood of Acceptance or Calm. The belief that I deserve respect and affection helps me weather any storm and find Happiness. It is easier for I’m Loveable to risk and be more open with others. On the downside, I may expose myself too much and so experience rejection and hurt more often.
• I’m Unlovable often lives in a mood of Resignation. Why bother if no one cares? This MA can lead me to stay apart from others, to isolate myself or to only notice the mean things people do and say to me, which means Happiness has trouble taking root in my life. Yet I’m Unloveable can also inspire me to focus on earning respect, admiration, and appreciation of my work and my contribution.
• I Should Be Able To can lead to a mood of Arrogance if left unchecked. The positive dimension of I Should Be Able To is that I am more likely to be bold, to step confidently into situations believing they will work for me. The dark side of this assessment shows up in selfishness, entitlement thinking, or believing that I can do whatever I like regardless of impact on others. Happiness eludes me because I can only access when others are made “less than.”
• I’m Not Good Enough struggles to find Happiness, not because I don’t deserve it, but because there’s always something else I need to do, something I’m missing. If I’m Not Good Enough is strong, I may either end up in Resignation (give up) or work so hard and long to get better that I burn out. On the other hand, this MA does drive me to constantly learn, ask for and use feedback, and continually improve myself.

There’s no good or bad in any of these MAs – again, remember they were planted in you and you did not choose your Master Assessment. The power lies in being aware, so you can choose differently when your MA is getting in the way of your growth, your relationships, or your happiness.

Your Master Assessment has been the driver in your car of life. You are sitting in the back seat, thinking you are driving, but it’s really your MA that’s taking you places. You intend to go right (to take a different path) but your MA is driving and very quietly keeps you going straight down the road you’ve always traveled (while telling you, “sure, we can go right! Heh heh!”)

You can’t get rid of your MA – it’s who you are, your core story, your main root. What you CAN do, if you’re aware of it, is kick your MA to the backseat. Instead of lamenting, “Woe is me; this is my Master Assessment,” you can say, “Oh, there you are. You’re just my Story.” Your MA is still going to nag you like any backseat driver, but you have the power to choose when you listen.

Hopefully you recognized your own MA from the list, if you did not know it already. Follow these five steps to create a new path.

1. Be aware of your Master Assessment and the mood it puts you into.
2. Ask, “How is this story working for me right now, in this situation?”
3. Name the story(ies) or emotions you want to enjoy instead. Trick: often the emotion you want is the exact opposite of the one you’re in. E.g. if you’re in resignation, the opposite is determination; if you’re in arrogance, the opposite is humility, and so on. “Put on” that opposite body – think of it like shrugging on a different jacket that’s been hanging at the back of your closet.
4. Notice your language and go to the opposite. Shift from “I can’t” to “I will,” from “I’m not worthy” to “I am enough!” or from “I’m entitled” to “I will earn this.”
5. Finally, PRACTICE that new body and conversation. The most powerful way to shift an emotion is to put yourself into the body of that and to behave “as if.”

Your goal is not to dump your MA – remember, it’s helped you in life at least as much as it’s hindered you. Rather, your goal is to remind yourself that you have a choice. You have the power to create a new path to Happiness, different results, better relationships, or more satisfaction. Enjoy the journey!

Jim in Headstand

I practice yoga, and over the winter I attended a workshop on Inversions (all the “upside down” and hand balancing poses). For the past two years I have worked my practice daily, and achieved a Headstand last year (imagine, at age 55, learning to stand on my head!).

The next level of challenge for me is being able to pop into a full Handstand. So I’ve been practicing the “hop” for a couple months, since the workshop. Imagine me hands down on the mat, my butt sticking straight up in the air and one leg extended fully with the toe of the other on the ground. WIth my grounded foot I hop up, simultaneously swinging the upper leg up over my head. For two months, I’ve been able only to get a foot or two off the ground.

Well yesterday morning I really took off. The hop was a good one, and I could feel my hips swivel up over my body, and for a moment — a GLORIOUS moment — I was completely balanced on my hands. Yay!

Problem… I don’t yet have a feel for my balance while on my hands. I don’t know how to manage the energy.  My body kept going, up, up, and then… down, down.  I have this really visceral memory of feeling weightless and suspended in air… as I fell, backwards, flat on my back. Whummp!

I lay there for a moment, stunned. I realized I was OK, but the breath was totally knocked out of me. After I could breathe again, I finished with a few stretches, and headed for the shower. It did not really occur to me that I’d just fallen from a height of three feet onto a concrete floor. All I knew was, I’d finally nailed it!

Later, the pain showed up.  For much of the day I had great difficulty finding a comfortable way to sit. Clients noticed that I was squirming a lot, and was having difficulty sitting back in my chair. A small part of me was wondering, “did I break any ribs? Will I be bruised?”

Today, I was VERY STIFF from my hips up to my neck, but no bruises. (I actually had trouble getting out of bed – I felt like 120 years old!)

So I did what I always do when I feel stiff: more Yoga! I did about 20 minutes this morning, just to warm up my body, including a couple hops to warm up for  Handstand .

But this time, I’m working against a wall rather than in the middle of the room! I may be stupid once, but that’s it! 

One of my mantras is, “we only learn by falling down.”  I usually mean it in a figurative sense, but for a while I will have a real lesson of my own around Falling Down.  Bam!   

Risk nothing, learn nothing.  This applies to yoga, life, and leadership.  Try something you’ve not achieved before.  You may fall, yet trust that you’ll learn something from the experience, and you’ll be better for it.  

One of my mantras is that you — and you alone — are responsible for your own happiness, that it is your decision.  And if no one else can “make” you happy, it stands to reason that you cannot make other people happy either.  Right?  

Well, sort of.  Just because you can’t make someone dance doesn’t mean you can’t invite them to sit down and listen to the music.  And perhaps, maybe, if the tune is catchy and everyone around them is dancing, they’ll start to sway to the beat at least a little.  It is almost a universal truth that music moves us.  

The same is true of Emotions.  If I invite you to join a group having an upbeat, optimistic conversation, you are more likely to pick up some of that energy.  You can’t give other people their emotional music, yet you can do an awful lot to create the space, the energy, and the opportunity for them to pick up a different emotional rhythm; and maybe, just maybe, they’ll dance a bit happier.

13 Ways to Create a Positive Space for Others to Feel Happier

1. Help Someone… to carry something, make a call, run a meeting, stir the batter, prepare for a conversation, or fold the laundry.  No matter how big or small the task, when you make a sincere offer to help, you activate in the other person their Gratitude response. 
2. Be Deliberately Courteous.  Have you ever had a great time shopping at a store or dining out, only to have your enthusiasm dampened when a dour clerk checked you out like a robot?  Do the opposite.  Stop for two seconds, make eye contact, and offer a heartfelt Thank You (or You Are Welcome!).  You may be the first person that day to send a ray of sunshine into that person’s dark cloud. 
3. Offer Praise and Appreciation.  Every day, look for at least one opportunity to say Great Job or I Appreciate You/What You Did.  Most people are walking around stewing in their own negative self-talk and a ceaseless barrage of criticism from others.  When you remind them of their value, you reconnect them with Hope. 
4. Customize Your Delivery.  When you have conversation with people, do it in a way that serves them.  Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages demonstrates this principle in a way that really helped my marriage.  I love to give presents, and for many years I felt hurt when my wife would return what I’d purchased.  We took the love language “test” and learned we have very different ways of expressing and receiving love and affection. I’m sure to some people this sounds like heresy, but I rarely buy anything for my wife, now – the way she receives is through Acts of Service and Quality Time – so spending time with her or DOING things for her makes her far happier than spending money.  Customize your communication and you’ll create more happiness in your relationships.  You can take the Love Languages Quiz here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com
5. Send a Note. Handwritten will have more impact, while email will have the advantage of speed – make a deliberate choice based on the other person’s best way of receiving. 
6. Tell Someone You Care About Them.  Strong relationships and personal connections is one of the five pillars of Positive Emotion.  When you tell someone they matter to you, you strengthen the foundation of their Happiness.
7. Pay It Forward.  Here’s a tip for doubling or tripling how good you feel when you receive a compliment or a thank you:  Pass the same on to someone else.  Leverage your good feeling when you intentionally look for a way to give appreciation or recognition to someone else.  You feel even better, plus you make their day. 
8. Listen to Another Talk About Their Goals or Dreams.  JUST listen.  Give them the space to speak without being told they are being unrealistic or silly or that they have much work ahead.  Open your heart large enough to hold that other person’s dreams for a moment, and you will create a rare moment of optimism and ambition
9. Make a Point to Address People By Their Name.   A person’s name is sacred and you honor them when you use it.  Write it in your emails, say it on your voicemails.  When you receive your coffee, groceries, or a bank receipt, read nametags and uses their name when you say thanks. My father-in-law is legendary in our family – he always gets the server’s name, and then uses it often.  You’d be surprised at how many servers forget they even gave their name (it’s part of the “script,” right?).  You create a different atmosphere when you acknowledge another’s humanity.
10. Call Out Excellence.  When you are impressed, say, “You are amazing!” or “I was very impressed with…” They will feel the warmth from your remark long after you leave.
11. Smile At People.  A) People are mirrors; we reflect back what we get.  B) A smile on the face activates a complex emotional sequence that increases feelings of positivity.  Add those two, and your smiles impact other’s moods as surely as the smile affects your own. 
12. Reach Out and Touch Someone.  We crave human connection.  Give a Hug, a touch on the arm, a warm handshake, or just face the other person heart-to-heart and give them full attention for a moment. 
13. Ask to Speak With the Manager. This is my wife’s favorite tool for making someone’s day: when we’ve had really good service at a retail or food establishment, she will ask to see a manager.  90% of the time, the reaction they signal is dread or fear.  I love watching how the manager’s eyes shift from caution to joy when my wife shares a positive story.

Music moves all who are in the room to hear it.  When you intentionally play a more positive note in your speaking and behavior, you set the stage for others to enjoy a bright spot that may not have occurred but for you.  And who doesn’t like to be told: “You make me happy when you show up!”

So play that Happy Music, and enjoy the dance you started. 

Photo courtesy of Chris JL via Compfight

The core message:  Creating Happiness in your life does involve Hard Work, Practice, Intention.  And… it’s totally up to you.  

How do you feed your soul?  Do you grab pre-packaged Pleasure from the freezer, microwave it, and eat on the run; or do you cook up your Joy from scratch using organic, locally-sourced ingredients?  Perhaps you have a saucepan of Gratitude constantly simmering on a back burner?  Or do you wait for others to invite you over for Connection and a bit of Calm? 

If you follow this recipe, in whole or part, you will notice your personal stress levels decrease even as you take on more responsibility.  Because in the end, it’s not really about the workload — it’s about the Story you tell yourself that “creates” your stress. 

I share here my favorite recipe for Happiness, gleaned from years of study and practice in the Positive Emotional space.  I invite you to try this as written, or to experiment with what is stocked in your own Emotional Cupboard.  The recipe for Happiness is neither simple nor easy, but who promised you that it would be?  

(to download the Recipe in a compact form for your cookbook or fridge, go here for a pdf version)

**A RECIPE FOR HAPPINESS**

First, Gather the Core Ingredients

• 1 cup personal Core Values, warmed (see Cook’s Notes 1)
• 1 sincere Smile
• 30 days of Gratitude, freshly gathered, best if written down
• 1 steaming mug of Engagement and Meaning
• 4 teaspoons of Balance, one each from work, play, rest & personal growth
• 3 Breaths (best if harvested from your deep belly)
• 1/2 cup each of Openness and Flexibility
• All your Raw Emotional Energy (see below for Preparation Notes) 
• 3 oz of Contentment or Satisfaction, grated
• 1 glass of Acceptance, halved

Preparation Notes: 

Select a large METAL bowl, and mix in as many of the following as you have in your pantry.  IMPORTANT: do not go out and purchase the ingredients for this next step — if you don’t own them now, just use what you have. 

• Entitlement Thinking, e.g. beliefs like “nothing bad should ever happen to me”  or “I should only get the best.”  (see Cook’s Notes 2)
• Suffering, or any brand of Arguing with Reality (store brands will work – really, most varieties are imposed on you by others anyway)
• Negative Self-Talk
• Raging Insecurity – the fresher the better
• Self-Absorption or Self-Pity — if you have both, use it all. 
• Hate in any form, e.g. liquid, solid, or gaseous (wear gloves while handling)
• Worry, Anxiety, and Fear – these are always sold in a set, so if you have one you likely have all three
• Sadness and Anger (but only the excess.  Keep out what you need to protect you for the next week)
• The Urge to Control (note: if you’re arguing with this recipe, you have it.  Toss it in — there you go.  Open up your hand. Let. It. Go!)
• Resentment and any connected Grudges (see Cook’s Notes 3)

Mix lightly, being careful not to inhale the vapors.  Pour 2 cups of Rum or Brandy over the top to soak the bowl.  Immediately set fire to the mixture using a lighter stick or kitchen torch.  Once it has burned off, scoop out the Raw Emotional Energy that remains (it will be glowing but cool to the touch — it is the positive essence that resides in all emotions) and continue with the recipe.  

Next, Assemble the Core Ingredients: 

Spray the inside of a large glass bowl with Patience (see Cooks’ Notes 4).  Mix the first seven ingredients with a wooden spoon, just until lumpy.  Drop Raw Emotional Energy by spoonfuls into the mix and sprinkle with the grated Contentment.  Pour half a glass of Acceptance over all.  Set aside and let soak. 

Focus for five minutes on your Breathing.  If you have extra Mindfulness after this, you may add to the mix. 

Stir the mixture again, then turn the entire bowl out onto a floured work surface.  Knead gently for 10 minutes, remaining Present to what you are doing.  Spontaneous humming may occur.  If you have pets or small children, you may notice they come and sit quietly during this step.  Feel free to give them a taste — it is quite nourishing in a raw state.  

Return mixture to the bowl and place on a large cookie sheet with a raised edge.  Place in oven warmed to 200 F (93.3 C).  Pour the remaining half glass of Acceptance into the pan so the mixture is bathed in it.

Cooking times may vary, depending on the quantity of Patience used.  When the Happiness doubles in size, you may remove half the mixture and consume.  

Once you’ve got this starter going, keep it warm and surrounded by Acceptance.  You can remove half of your Happiness every day, and it will double again by the next day, as long as you Practice it.  

Serving Suggestions: 

May be served warm or cold; best when garnished with Positive Self-Regard.  For a more dramatic presentation, swirl the plate with a reduction of Bliss, Flow, and a dry red wine.  Sprinkle with Permission to Make Mistakes, which reduces indigestion for those who suffer from Perfectionism.  

Bon appétit!  

Cook’s Notes:

1. To warm your Core Values, hold them against your heart for 3-5 minutes.
2. If you do not own any Entitlement Thinking, you can substitute Victim Mindset, Envy, Vanity, or ungrounded Rage.
3. If Resentment or Grudges get mixed with Denial, they may be mis-labeled as Negative Self-Talk in your Emotional Cupboard.  If so, clear the shelf and scrub with equal parts Self-Love and bleach, which should kill any remaining Germs of Self-Deprecation.
4. Generic brands of Patience will work as well as the more expensive versions - quantity matters more than quality.  If you lack Patience, substitute five minutes of Deep Breathing with your feet flat on the floor. 

Variations: 

Just as every cook has their own version of pasta sauce, recipes for Happiness vary.  Even using the same ingredients, your sauce will look and taste different than mine. You may adjust the seasonings and preparation styles or cook using a different Mood.

As long as you honor the Core Ingredients, I promise that you’ll love whatever you put on the table.  Other ingredients you might consider:

• A pitcher of fresh Summer Rain 
• 1 beaker of a Child’s Laughter
• Essence of fresh-cut grass or lilacs in bloom
• 1 cup Chocolate, chopped (milk or dark) 

Finally, remember that taking time every day to focus on your Happiness will pay huge dividends.  You will notice strengthening in your Resilience, Creativity, Confidence, and Engagement muscles, and a reduction in your Stress across all measures.  

When you are in charge (and whether you like it or not) everyone looks to you for a “mood reading” every day.

Since the biggest excuse I hear from managers is that “I don’t have the time,” let me offer some quick things you can do daily to improve your leadership presence and build more positivity into your day and your team.

1. Set Clear Expectations. Wishes, hopes, or assumptions have no place in performance conversations. When you make a request, take an extra few seconds to be sure that the individual understands A) what is to be done, B) any timeframe or deadlines, and C) how success will be measured/assessed. As a matter of practice, ask people to repeat back what THEY think they have just committed to do. You will dramatically reduce misunderstandings when you pay attention to all three aspects of a request.
2. Close Loops – every time. When work gets completed, have one of two quick conversations: either, A) “Thanks” (or other form of acknowledgement), or B) “This is not what we agreed to. Can we talk?” I may risk oversimplification here, but the reality is that 90% of issues come from NOT closing loops – so if the work is not done, say so; and if the work is completed, say so. You train your team to know that when they make a commitment, you do pay attention and you do appreciate their efforts (don’t assume they know).
3. Make Something Better. One of the best managers who ever worked on my team was Reggie. What made him great – and what caused his teams to adore him – was his simple mantra: “I never leave until I’ve made something better.” Be like Reggie, and become a master of proactive improvement. If you keep your eyes and ears open you will notice opportunities every day – many of them brought to your attention by your people. Sometimes it will be a process tweak, while other days you may find the most productive part of your day is the five minutes you spent helping an associate with a personal challenge. All that little stuff adds up.
4. Expect More of People (than they do of themselves). If you are like most people, you are your own worst critic. It’s the voice in your head that every day tells you you’re not good enough or that you messed up. Take a minute or two every day to speak with someone on your team and remind them about something you think they do well, or a reason you’re glad they are on the team. Try saying, “we could not have done this without you.” It takes but a second, yet people will run thru brick walls for someone who really believes in them.
5. Inspire Someone. Inspire comes from the Latin, inspiro, v. to breathe into life/Breathe life into. Each time you communicate future news to your team (which you should be doing regularly) you offer a reason for them to stick around. Even more, when you have a discussion about their own future, you breathe life into their hopes and dreams for their career. Don’t wait till the annual review – do a little of this every week, and notice how much your conversations improve the mood of your team.
6. Reminder: First, Take Care of You. Refer back to the just prior post on this blog; make sure you’re attending to your own needs. If you’re in a more positive mood each day when you show up, you infect others with your enthusiasm and energy, and that feeds their creativity, their connection, and their willingness to work hard. Research proves this is true, and once again, it’s all about you.

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who practices positive leadership conversations every day.

Photo Credit:  Scott Maxwell via Compfight

Starting last October, even as I started to declare 2013 as my Year of Happiness (my 15th anniversary in business, etc), I began a slow slide into disorganization and overwhelm, mostly due to over-commitment. Most people are shocked when they hear this, yet it’s true. By late December I was underwater, in constant stress, worried that I was missing something important, and always feeling behind in my work.

So I did what any self-respecting coach might do: I hired myself a coach to help me return to sanity and recalibrate my broken systems. I’ve been working with her for a few weeks and I’m starting to feel like I’m in control once again. She helped me move my manual tracking system back into the digital world, which has been exciting. More importantly, she is challenging me to look at the STORIES I tell myself about my organizing skills, and in the process I’m learning some new things about myself.

One is this: I make things more complicated than they need to be. I often look to my own writing for coping strategies, and this time what jumped out for me was Happiness Principle #10: Simplify. I am moving from complexity back to a simpler system for me.

Thus my thoughts this month turned to “How to make Happiness and Leadership more simple?”

This month I return to basics. Everything on this list can be integrated into your life in tiny bites, with minor disruption yet with big outcomes if you practice a few of them daily.

1. Look for the Good/What’s right. You already spend time every day dealing with problems. When you start that process, pause for a minute and first ask, “What’s RIGHT about this situation?” or “What’s GOOD about this person?” Once you answer the question, you’ll notice your mood is a lot lighter as you tackle the problem.
2. Breathe on Purpose. Breathing you do anyway. So every once in awhile, stop and do it with great attention, deep and slow. When you give attention to your breath, you experience a tiny moment of Mindfulness, which drops a wee bit of stress from your system. Then, go back to what you were doing.
3. Smile. People are mirrors, and whatever you wear on your face gets reflected back to you. Any time you notice that everyone around you is grouchy, consider the common element: You. Smile and make eye contact, and notice how suddenly everyone around you is in a better mood. It’s all about you! HINT: do this every day as you brush your teeth. It will add no time, yet you’ll get twice a day practice.
4. Be Selfish. Being overly helpful, too generous, and what we call ‘self-less’ can also be an addictive behavior that is codependent and even abusive (to self) when taken to the extreme. Instead, cultivate self-sufficiency and take just five minutes every day to take your own oxygen (do something just for you). When you are healthier, your relationships also grow healthier.
5. Put on Confidence. One of the mantras I offer in my talks is to “Stand Tall, Breathe Deeply, and Smile Often.” Each time you stand up from a chair take an extra second to root yourself (feet shoulder width) and extend the full length of your spine. “Wear” this body each day for a few minutes and you’ll find it increases your personal strength in many difficult situations.
6. Embrace What Happens. Recognize that a lot of Unhappiness comes from arguing with reality. When something happens that makes you go a little scrunchy inside (you know what I mean), step back, take a breath, and say, “Yes. It is what it is. AND here’s what I’m going to do next…”
7. Create Connections. If you eat lunch at your desk and consider talking to others at work “a waste of time,” you are missing a vital nutrient in your emotional life. For five minutes each day, let go of your agenda or tasks, and focus on building a relationship through conversation – that’s just 1/3 of 1% of your week.
8. Establish Boundaries. If you are a people pleaser or you dislike conflict, you may often find yourself overwhelmed and stressed. If at least once each day you say “No” to some request that you cannot handle right now, you will learn that if you declare boundaries, most others will respect them. (Note: a No can be absolute or simply a modifier e.g., “no, I can’t get that to you by end of day. Will tomorrow morning at 10 work for you?”)
9. Take Action. Nearly all stress is self-created, based on the stories you tell yourself. When you notice anxiety is rising about something that is on your duty list, find something – even a tiny step – that you can deliver upon. You’ll gradually learn that moving forward is far less stressful than sitting in paralysis.

I might also have titled this article, Happiness in a Minute, but that’s not really the point. Each of these items, practiced regularly, will strengthen your Positive Emotion muscles for a lifetime.

Don’t make Happiness more complicated than it needs to be. Keep it simple.

Are you a Responsive Leader? If not, get out. Now. Get off the bus. I mean it. You are killing the rest of us!

One of the ways I describe my work is this: My passion is to save the work world from bad management, one LEADER at a time. I do not do this from theory – I do this out of my experience.

When I entered the workplace after college, I made a lot of mistakes. I was smart and creative and made some big impact; but I was frequently arrogant, unhappy with myself, and inconsiderate of others. I often rode roughshod over people. I did not care, I just wanted results. I demanded compliance to my way. I got stuff done, dammit!

Six years into my career, I was blessed to encounter a boss who smacked me back and said, Stop that! For one really long, intense, and sometimes miserable year, he challenged and re-built my world view around leading people. He was the first of my mentors to teach me the difference between being successful vs effective, and how it was possible to get stuff done AND have fun at work.

I learned to listen to people, and to care and respond to what THEY wanted, versus what I was smart enough to tell them. What I heard led me to challenge many of the conventions of the day (though these feel normal today, it was not the case in the 1980s!).

Over the next decade of my career I continued to make mistakes, but I took a lot of risks and opened up new territory as a result. I ripped time clocks off the walls when I understood how demeaning they were to my teams, and replaced them with trust. I adopted casual dress long before it was normal. I fought the system to allow key managers and professional staff to continue in their roles part-time after childbirth, or to share a leadership job. I pioneered flexible work hours, and faced down gender and age bias because I was the only “guy” who would take it on. And I challenged the suffocating, compliance-based cultures I encountered, helping to build more positive, participative workplaces.

Am I bragging, here? Yeah, ya betcha. I am proud of the role I played 20 years ago in making change in the workplace. At the same time, I am frequently amazed (and even horrified) at how many organizations continue to treat people in ways that the pre-1980 version of me would recognize. “You are a cog. You are disposable. We don’t care about you. Fit in or suffer.” Eeewww!

Because I was responsive, I was not always predictable; some people did not like me or what I did. Yet others followed me with a fierce loyalty precisely because I DID change things up, because I listened and responded with curiosity rather than “explanation.”

My primary tool for change became Conversation. Engaging with others was both a way to learn and a way to teach – and a path to change (and it’s the foundation of all that I do today as a coach).

How do you foster responsiveness in yourself? Do you make the effort to understand what people really need/want, match that to what the organization really needs, and seek a way to meet both sets of needs? Or are you a cookie-cutter manager who expects everyone to fit into the “system” in the same way, which of course makes it easy for you?

Do you ask questions? Do you Listen to the answers? Do you take action, make change, and challenge the system (including yourself) to adapt? Or do you do an annual survey and then spend the next six months explaining how the data is bad, so you won’t have to change anything?

If you are the latter, you are not a leader. You are static. You are expecting the world to adapt to you. Sorry, not gonna happen.

In addition, if you can’t or won’t change, please notice that you’re miserable and you’re making everyone around you miserable, too. Step aside. A new generation of leaders is waiting.

Ask questions. Listen. Create and stay in conversation. Respond.

{That’s the end of my rant. Happy New Year.}

Remember, Leadership is not about a title: Anyone can be a leader who lives in a place of responsiveness, striving to balance the needs of the organization with the needs of the real people who work there.

I recently learned that I must move my website to a new technology platform.

The move will take me from a traditional “static” website to a new framework called “responsive.” A responsive site changes the way it appears on-screen based on the device used for access; thus my future site will automatically adjust its look and function to suit your desktop, tablet, or smart phone. Cool, no?

All this talking about Responsiveness leads me to think about its application in other domains like, well, life!

Happiness Principle #7 says, “Choose to Respond. What happens is going to happen, regardless. Accept constant, discontinuous change as reality and instead of reacting, respond with curiosity.”

How will you live in 2013, a year in which more will change – and at a faster rate – than in any prior year in human history? Will you be Static or Responsive?

1. Embrace Your Failures. Your past has made you who you are; but it need not determine whom you will be. You only learn by falling down. So, review what you learned, decide how that experience has made you better, stronger, or wiser, and move forward confident that you will not repeat that mistake. (P.S. you will make new ones. It’s part of the journey.)
2. Be Quiet. The world is full of noise, so how can you think? For just a few minutes each day, do nothing. Mindfulness is one of the most powerful anti-stress “medicines” in the world – and it’s free! (For more, I invite you to take ten minutes to view this excellent TED Talk.)
3. Ask More Questions. When a zillion things come at you, you need a way to filter so you can respond selectively. Be curious about the world, e.g. is this really important, or is it just loud? What do I really want? What am I aware of in this moment? What’s getting in my way? What’s mine to do (no more, no less)?
4. Breathe On Purpose. Whether you are still or in rapid motion, oxygen is your biggest ally for responding to the world, because it fuels your thinking center. Your brain uses 25% of the oxygen you breathe, and if you are in shallow breath, you’re not using your full capacity.
5. Let Go of Something.You have finite capacity, so if you want to grow or learn or expand in new directions, you must say NO to what does not fit.

1. Say YES to Something New. Change is uncomfortable even when you initiate it, yet notice all the stress that disappears when you say yes. Last year my mother (who has been going blind for a decade) embraced Red Cane training, and has learned that it’s more fun to be out in public when she no longer has to worry about running into people.
2. Remember to Dance. In addition, I don’t necessarily mean with a partner, in a ballroom. The first thing you do when you dance is take a step; whether forward or backward, you put yourself intentionally off balance. Dancing is the act of falling. And recovering. And falling again. Notice that you’re good at this – you’ve been doing it since you learned to walk. If you can do it to music, even better. Enjoy the dance.

Picture credits: Pörrö via Compfight