Life with Maggie and Ben

Happy Birthday to My Husband

2010-02-18T08:09:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Mr. Super Dad and Husband....
Happy Birthday to you!

To my home renovating, kid-wrangling, even-tempered, cleaner, cooker, (ok- no laundry doer- but I'll take it!) pms-deflecting, all around wonderful husband on his birthday,

I love you with all my heart. I am so lucky to have you in my life and that you are the father of our children. They love you so much. You are our rock.

Have a wonderful birthday. We will enjoy cake later- Maggie insisted you wanted a pink polka dot one with streamers.

I am sure you did.

Love-

Your nutso, overworked, overtired, pms'ing, sometimes bitchy, wife in modification...

Battery Life

2010-02-07T21:23:00.000-05:00

I went on an almost 3 mile run today without my Nike Plus to track it. The sensor battery went dead, and I did a 'Map My Run' when I got home to track the mileage but not clocking that mileage in on the Nike Plus was disheartening to say the least. And I didn't get to the store to get a new sensor so now I head on a 4 day business trip to much better weather where I will have to guesstimate my mileage out among the cacti.

And speaking of the trip, have I mentioned how much I hate to fly? I know it is some sort of control thing. This is why I am a backseat driver, a perpetual worry wart and, well kind of annoying about the whole thing. I used to get prescribed meds for the flights, but since I keep travelling for work, I don't want to feel lousy or groggy so I have given it up and gone for the whole, 'I am sure I am not going to die today' mantra instead. Leaving the kids home is awful. My anxiety levels go through the roof thinking about something happening to me while away and that they will become motherless. I know how irrational this is. I know about the data and statistics- you could get hit by a bus walking the street tomorrow- blah, blah, blah But it doesn't make it any easier.

I hope that my battery life extends into seeing my children get married, into meeting my grandchildren, hell- even the great grand-kids. I hope that I am a marathon running old woman who loves to take her grand-kids shopping and for Chinese food. I hope that I don't kaput too early and while taking airplanes away from my family always makes me think of this; I cannot live life in fear. I have to go and live it the best I can, each day to the fullest, without thinking too much of the unknown. Easier said than done my friends but I certainly am going to try.

I write in a journal the night before I leave my kids for any trip. My mom suggested I do it and I started it the first trip I took away from Maggie. It always begins with 'My dearest darlings, Maggie and Ben' and always ends with 'Love you both always and always, Love Mom'. I write about the little things happening in our lives, some big things happening in the world and the hopes I have for them. I hope that someday, they and all my grand and great-grand kids will sit together and read it and know how much I loved my Maggie and Ben. And how everything I do is for them.

So, when I run through the cacti in the nice 60 degree weather after arriving at my destination tomorrow, I will think of them at school and hope that they will not miss me too much. And maybe I will round up on the mileage when I track it all down. I mean, I know it is the journey, not the destination, right?

Fell of the Wii Wagon

2010-02-05T17:00:00.000-05:00

After a couple of days tackling EA Active challenge and I went away for the weekend and let it all go to hell. So, I am getting right back on the horse. I did a 1.89 mile run with the two kids in the Double Bob jogger today. An estimated 250 plus calories burned there!

And am going to attempt to get back on the challenge train tonight...

I travel for work soon, so I have to just hit the hotel gym and keep running. I only have 114 days left until the half-marathon and I want to run it feeling great and better than I ever have.

Being healthy is sooooooo hard. I'm not a natural. It is going to take time. And even with this bit of fluctuation, I am going to get there.

The Winter Beauties and the Future Rock Star Cousins

2010-02-01T22:05:00.000-05:00

Ben and Maggie look awfully beautiful in the cold, frozen snow...

And after a nice relaxing weekend with the family, we saw our future Jonas/Partridge/Hansen bunch rock out together...

My two little reasons for everything...

2010-01-29T10:13:00.000-05:00

EA Active on Wii- Day 2

2010-01-26T22:55:00.000-05:00

Day 2 challenge. I forced this workout at around 8 pm when I got home late after a cocktail reception for work. Put my oldest to bed and strapped on the Wii accessories and got to it. I put it up to medium intensity for this round and felt it a bit more in the legs. I was slightly sore today but not dying. This is by far not the hardest workout I have ever had but it is a workout. I enjoy following along to the "avatar" on screen and love the tennis, in-line skating, and punching bags. I anticipate a slightly more sore lower half tomorrow with all the lunges, and am not feeling overwhelmed but more excited at the challenge and seeing some good results.

Jay even said we could unhook and bring up to Maine when I go. Look out Mom and Dad, you guys are in for some virtual tennis smackdown!

~~Day 29~~ down. 28 more to go!

EA Active on the Wii- Day 1

2010-01-25T19:35:00.000-05:00

We got the Wii and WiiFit for Christmas this year and Jay just recently ordered me EA Active for the system. Today is Day 1 of the 30 Day Challenge. It was a pretty decent workout. I did low intensity and only 20 minutes and was sweating a bit at the end. (Note the slightly sweaty but smiling face to the left) My favorite exercise so far is the in-line skating where you stay in a crouch position to skate faster and then jump up to go off the ramps. It is a bit of a plyometric exercise which should work well with training for the half-marathon. I think that the best part about this is that I did all twenty minutes with the kids right beside me. We did have to pull out some old resistance bands for them to play with since they coveted the one the game came with, but overall, they were patient and enjoyed the whole thing. They were even cheering me on when I was doing target punching. In 20 minutes I only burned 100 calories, but if I do this in addition to my running, I should see a difference. So, ~~Day 1~~. 29 to go!

Which Way is Up?

2010-01-21T21:25:00.000-05:00

I will turn thirty-five in a few short months. I am trying hard to accomplish all of my goals; running a 1/2 marathon, losing weight, being a better mom, wife, trying to find a better work/life balance and make some choices in my career that place me where I want to be. All of these things put me into a Dr. Suess-like spin of which way is up, green eggs or ham kind of exsistence. I have written recently about missing friendships that have wavered or suffered due to busy schedules and long distances, I have written of my hectic life and trying to make time for it all, and I have written confessions of my bad habits and hopes to change my health for the better. But doing all of these things is a much more difficult task then simply writing about them. I have only run once this week. I have a rough day at the office and stare at my blackberry phone book and try to think who I can call to talk about it with. I end up turning to my mom a lot. I talk the ear off of her, my husband and some coworkers who are friends but can be sick of the daily drone and moan of my complaints. I realize that my suffering is self-inflicted and that I need to make some small changes in order to make the big ones successful.

I have to listen to my gut. I have to go with what it tells me to do, and not worry about the decisions I make and their consequences. I feel that I go through the motions of it all, and the only time I sit and truly feel is when I get home at the end of each day and hug and kiss my children. I snuggle Ben until he worms out of my grasp, bounding for a ball to kick heartily across the floor. He laughs and makes faces and says, "Milky?" for his milk. He knows how cute he is when he says it too. Maggie and I have movie night once a week where we get her some m-n-ms (just a handful in bowl) and we make popcorn and snuggle together under a blanket to watch the next Princess movie or Pixar release. She will laugh and smile at me and turn to me during the parts when each Disney villain becomes a tad too scary and buries her face in my chest. These are the moments that I treasure. The laundry may not be done, the bills a scatter, my running shoes lie alone at the door waiting, and my cubicle at work looks like a tornado hit it, but I know which way is up. Up is the direction I go to make the most of the time I have with the two babies that inspire me to be better in the first place.

Guest Post @Eatingjourney.com

2010-01-18T19:06:00.003-05:00

Mish over at Eating Journey asked me to a guest post. I wrote about trying to overcome the genetic dispositions and habits I have to find a love of exercise and balance of food rather than yo-yo dieting. Check it out! CLICK HERE.

I wrote about the genetic predispositions and the fact that my grandmother was overweight and my mom is a yo-yo dieter. But I am in no way blaming them for my battles with weight. I just think it is important to figure out how to be happy and healthy without crash diets, and the constant ups and downs. I have experienced it. My mom has. Most of my friends have. And we all talk about how miserable we are and how we can't believe that we let ourselves get there AGAIN! And I finally feel like I am overcoming it by loving exercise and by making healthier choices. I think my mom is a beautiful, wonderful woman (I mean- she was constantly referred to as a MILF in high school - and no, I am NOT going there). But she too hates the yo-yo dieting and the up one size, down part of her life. So it stops with us. We are officially kicking Maggie off this genetic train ride. Enjoy!

Pushing Yourself

2010-01-15T23:04:00.000-05:00

As a working mom, I have been trying to fast track myself up the "ladder" at work and I rationalize that it will make me feel less guilty being away from my children all day if I am successful and making more money. But in this process I have become a 'work horse'. I work all day, I rarely take lunches. If it wasn't for the fact that some of my co-workers have become friends, I would have no social outlet at all there. So it becomes a lot of giving with no real receiving. And I continue to feel the guilt. But then I have days like today, where I finish the bulk of a project I have been putting in long hours on, and I realize how great I feel. I feel no guilt right now. I feel pride. I know that I am a good contributor at my company and that I do the best job I possibly can. And I make it a point to be completely present with my kids when I am home, even if I sometimes fail at that.

I do have to become a bit more unplugged this year. I have to recognize that achievement isn't always tangible. And I have to take more vacations. True, away from it all, not holiday related vacations.

If I can push myself to quit bad habits, become a runner, and balance it all, then I think I can push myself into actually taking it easy. 2010 = the year of the tortoise, not the hare.

Figuring it Out

2010-01-12T21:54:00.001-05:00

Day....? Well, stopping my stress-reliever on a week of high stress is probably not the wisest gameplan in hindsight, but I am doing fine. What is helpful is being busy from 5 am until 9 pm every day. And feeling great when I wake up. I am trying really hard now to balance work, family, and friendships and all the little things thst go along with that without getting stressed. Tough job, and I know it will get harder the closer I get to leaving the family on the next business trip but I will do it. I will be ok and get through it all in a healthy way!

Blog Makeover

2010-01-10T14:58:00.000-05:00

I may have admitted to a smoking habit, but I am not a thief, so please know that these images with the watermarks on them are just temporary while I try out some various designs on the blog template. I am trying out a few different looks and want to make it a little sharper and easier to read. Please leave me your comments on the looks as they pop up! I will be purchasing them shortly.

First layout- cute mommy bird with her babies in a nest. A great image from Crestock.com. I have another header look that I am playing with- check out the image below.

Day One- Hey Pot- Meet The Kettle

2010-01-09T09:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, here it is. I am a smoker. I mean, not really but...ok, ok, I am going to keep going...YES, I am.

I am going to full blogosphere confessional now.

Most who know me would not classify me this way, but that is because I am what you would call a "closet smoker". When my Doctor asks me if I smoke, I lie, and say, "Casually, and, only when I drink." What I neglect to say is that I casually smoke nearly every night and will have a glass of wine just to give me the excuse of having a couple of cigarettes. These few little 'cancer sticks' add up to a dozen or more per week a least. My husband knows and tolerates it. My sister knows but is a smoker too so she can commiserate. My mom and other close friends and family members might have a general sense of my extracurricular activities but if they do they are kind and keep it to themselves. Then again, this might be the first they hear of it.

But I cannot talk about getting healthy, losing weight, and trying to find the balance of being a better mom and inspiration while simultaneously lying to myself and others about this crutch. So, there are a lot of whys to discuss in this revealing. This awakening of sorts.

First and foremost, why do I smoke? Well, I have on and off for the better part of my life. I smoked my first cigarette at 18 and hated it. I tried again in college and most everyone smoked amongst my crowd. I think that the for the first few years I wasn't even inhaling correctly. But boy did I learn. And once I did, it became my crutch. My poison of choice. This vice of mine definitely relieved my stress and the nicotine dripped into my system like a toxic friend.

I quit after college and then started up again. I quit before I got married and then started up again. I quit during the pregnancies and nursing of both my children but after having them I devised a way to introduce my old friends into my life. I would buy a pack for an outing or a party with friends and pass it off as "just this once." And then that one pack would turn into two and then before I knew it, I was smoking almost every night- at least one. And lately I battle with not just how awful it makes me feel, but with the stress I feel from keeping it a secret. A secret from coworkers, friends, family, and my children. I even smoked in my brand new car and wow did that ever leave a nice family fight in our history. Not to mention the new car smell had never been the same.

Why now? Why am I stopping now? Well, I would like to consider myself a pretty smart person. And this is a pretty dumb thing to do. And even though it is a taboo subject, even the President of the United States struggles with this issue, so I can't feel ashamed anymore. And I can't keep saying that because a pack of cigarettes could last me two weeks I am a casual or social smoker. I am not. It will kill me eventually and I have to stop.

Why am I confessing all of this on a blog? Doesn't it seem so impersonal, and god, even risky? I could alienate people, offend, disappoint, and alter people's opinions of me even! Friends, family members and even coworkers read this.

It is because I love my husband and my children and can't believe I am voluntarily shortening my stay on this earth with them. It is because I am going to run a half of a marathon in May and I want to do it as an official non-smoker. It is because I can find more to do with that time than smoke. Better things to do.

It is because I aim to write the truth of my life.

This blog was started as a great way to share pictures and stories with family and friends about my children. And then, somewhere along the way, it ended up as a diary of sorts. An on-line journal of the ordinary and extraordinary. And when I started Weight Watchers, and lost 20 pounds, and the began running, I thought I could just stop and all would be better. But I smoked on. I would quit for weeks leading up to the few races I did last year and then start up again. I stared down the barrel of that gun many times and exclaimed to myself, "NO MORE!". But then I did it again. I can blame stress, nicotine, tobacco companies, and genetics...but until I admit it, and quit and move on... then I am nothing but a hypocritical, lying, suicidal (for yes, in case you hadn't heard- those things kill you), moron.

I may have some social setbacks; I am not going to say I am perfect. But this is Day One. And I am starting now. I am a non-smoker.

And P.S. to my loved ones and others who may be disappointed in me and to the ones who might not have known: I am sorry I kept this part of my life hidden. I am sorry that I used this terrible outlet for stress. But help me now in kicking this thing. And if you have some hidden habits and some things you want to change, you don't need to post them for the world to see. But maybe telling just one person will help you move forward with the life you truly want to live.

I am putting it out there now. Not turning back. This isn't just a 2010 resolution. This is my life and the rest of my journey.

Awakening

2010-01-08T23:41:00.002-05:00

I love Roni over at Roni's Weigh. And when I was starting to write something that would attempt to articulate everything I was feeling right now... well, I clicked the link for her blog in my favorites folder and lo and behold... someone else wrote it for me...

The beginning goes like this...

"A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening."

Click HERE to go to Roni's Weigh and check out the rest, and fall for her blog like I did.

Heros: Part Deux?

2010-01-05T17:00:00.002-05:00

Wow, I mean, being called out in an article as a hero twice in one year? Pretty damn cool I'd say. And although I don't think anything I have done would merit 'superhero' status, I do think that one thing I have learned this last year of 2009 is that inspiration can go a long way. I might not always live it, love it, or do it... and I always wish I was doing more...but I have to be so pleased to be a part of a movement or an event of people taking charge, feeling good, saving lives, and being happy.

Eating Journey does a recap of the 'Exposed' Movement across the globe. Click HERE to read it. Pick out my bikini body amongst the masses. My favorite thing is reading the comments of strangers left on her blog about the 26 of us so far that have done it. And my goal- learn Italian so I can read the Exposed posts of some of my foreign neighbors. Love what you got folks! Mwwwwahhh!

Happy Birthday Jack!

2010-01-04T22:37:00.005-05:00

Ok, this is when having trouble sleeping works on a person. Jumped up from bed and thought- how could I forget to post this? My little nephew... turned 4 today! I love you Jackamo! Cannot believe you are a 4 year old finger slinging, sarcastic grinning, vivacious, rowdy, amazing, break dancing, sassafras-sing, wonderful boy! We love you!

Babies, Babies Everywhere- A Mom Review of a Trailer

2010-01-04T22:14:00.005-05:00

Now here is a documentary that shows when your thoughts are put out into the Universe, they might be answered.

I have often wondered whether or not when Jay and I constantly pull Maggie and Ben apart from their fights over plastic toys; is there a baby somewhere in China getting there treasures taken from them by a sibling? And if so, how do their parents react? Is it culturally different? Significant?

When we slice grapes into quarters for Ben or panic about small parts for choking, I have had the fleeting image of a baby in a small African village, with beads around their neck, crawling among rocks and sand. Does the mother worry about choking? Do they panic at every hand movement?

The following documentary follows the lives of four babies across 4 continents, and in what looks to be a visually stunning piece of film work. The auteurs capture answers to these and many other questions of the thoughts that I and many others have had. The images from this trailer and the accompanying music are stunning and I plan to make a date to see this one in a theater near me.

Click HERE to watch the trailer for the new documentary, BABIES.

Whoa, Whoa, Slow Down Rabbit!

2010-01-04T20:12:00.004-05:00

Ok, I know. This may sound a little nuts but I have to do it. I need to set concrete goals for myself or I slide down the slippery slope of bad eating and no exercise. I will NOT go back to those size twelves, even tens! I will have a flat (fairly) stomach in 2010. I will feel energized and not need to rely on caffeine to get me through the day. I will be toned and love shopping and getting dressed in the morning again.

How will I do all of this? By running. I miss running. But I need goals to keep myself doing it. I haven't run more than 3 miles since the Turkey Trot and I feel awful about it. Not guilty but literally awful. Flabby, tired, unhappy... nothing like I felt when running.

So what am I going to do about it? I will run a half marathon in May.

Yup. There. I said it. I am signing up for the Hyannis Cape Cod Half-Marathon on May 30th. 13.1 miles. In a row. At a time.

The ten week training will commence in exactly 5 weeks. Until then, I will keep myself fit enough and maybe strength train a bit, while maintaining running at least 30 minutes at a time, a few times a week. I know I can do this. I will try and log it here and hopefully see myself go from jogger to runner. Either way, I feel great when I do it- so it is win-win. Anyone want to join me?

How AWFUL of Me- Oh, and Merry Christmas

2009-12-29T22:49:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. I promised. And I didn't even post a Christmas message. Awful.

Okay, so, here is my promised one of two posts a week- a bit late but I am holding myself accountable. It is a little holiday card of sorts to y'all. My beautiful, wacky, lovely family that I adore. I am so blessed this holiday. Crazy, busy, stressed, but blessed.

Exposed Movement

2009-12-22T22:23:00.004-05:00

Who knew that getting half naked and writing some words with photo-shop on your body could inspire so many people? Michelle over at eatingjourney.com and Roni at ronisweigh.com inspired me with their Exposed posts and I did the same two months ago. See the original post here. Michelle has received a huge response and close to thirty women around the world, from Australia to Italy have done the same. It seems to resonate with so many women that we are constantly harping on the negative things when it comes to our bodies. This is what makes saying positive things so extraordinary.

Go to eatingjourney.com to check out some of the other amazing 'Exposed Posts'. And whether or not you take most of your clothes off and photo-shop words on for the world to see is not the important part. It is keeping those words in your heart and your head every day that matter.

Put Up or Shut-Up

2009-12-21T21:32:00.002-05:00

I miss writing on this blog. I miss it more than I can say. I am so busy with work and with general insanity of life at the moment that I have lost my anchor to this little project of mine. I started this in 2006 as a way to keep in touch with not just friends and family, but to keep in touch with myself. There is something so amazing about putting my thoughts out there, to roam free in this world. It gives me time to stop and process through all that happens in my life with Maggie and Ben.

Now I know that many of my loyal readers (aka Mom and others) are slowing their visits down to this little site. My mom used to look on every day to see if there was something new. Some new pictures or a new story about her grandchildren. Now she sighs, 'You haven't updated the blog in a while.' So, when you start losing your mom as a reader, that is a sign. Put up, or shut up.

I can't keep saying I am going to write more and then not do it.

It is the same slippery slope I head down with diet and exercise and so many other things. I say I am going to exercise at least three days a week and start counting my Weight Watcher points again...but I don't. I say I will only allow a glass of wine one night a week...but I don't. I say I will work less, organize more, stay calm in the face of children's meltdowns...but I don't. I let the craziness of life overtake me and I let the things that are the best for me fall by the wayside. The healthy eating, the exercise, the writing. All of these things make me a happier person and a better mom. So, it is time to put up or shut up.

I am going to make a pre-New Year's Resolution. I vow to post at least twice a week, and include pictures every few posts. This along with exercising three days a week and no chips is a good start, don't you think? Mom?

"I Hate You."

2009-12-19T14:47:00.002-05:00

Those three little words came out of my daughter's mouth to me the other day. I asked her why she was misbehaving and she flopped herself onto my bed and said, "Because I hate you!" I felt for a moment like the wind had been knocked out of me. Where had she learned that word? I would rather of had her say asshole then to say she hated me. She clearly knew how to use the sentence but not the power behind it.

I sat her down and my mother's voice projected into my head and out of my mouth, "Maggie, we don't say hate. Hate is a strong word. You can say you are disappointed in something or sad, or even angry, but you don't say hate. It is hurtful." And then I hugged her and told her I loved her and let her be.

Now whether she has heard me refer to 'hating' things in offhand comments, or saw this on TV, I am not sure. But I do know that it brought me to a moment where I realize she is growing up. Maybe she is only 3 and a half but she is forming memories, and decisions, and overwhelming attitude. She is loving and funny and wacky and so smart. But now more than ever I have to be loving and caring and watchful of my language. They are always listening and you never know what they will pick up and carry through.

I did meet my future teenager for a brief moment though, and it was not pretty.

Plane Post

2009-12-03T21:19:00.002-05:00

When traveling for work, I am often a complete wreck due to being a fraidy flyer and all. But I sit here typing this entry from however many miles above and am pleasantly surprised to find WIFI a healthy substitute for the prescription anxiety medication I normally take when I fly. I am able to surf the net, get some work done, watch Instant Netflix, Facebook, Blog, and Twitter my anxiety away. I am currently bumping through turbulence and instead of clutching the arm rail, I am typing fast and furious while simultaneously watching Hulu. Life is good in this internet world my friends. We connect from the stars above. Home again, home again, jiggity jig,

Haiku Mom Is Back

2009-12-01T23:08:00.005-05:00

Thanksgiving came and went. I ran the Turkey Trot, got sick, laryngitis, had a croupy kid, and am off to Chicago tomorrow on business. So, no time for all the photos and big recap so instead I think I will bring back the haiku. Please share with me your best stress-ridden haiku's.

working can be good
until i travel from them
balance is too hard

And just see the madness and the love of the cousins...

Maggie Growing

2009-11-16T21:27:00.005-05:00

Yes, Miss Maggie is growing. She is becoming a kid in front of our very eyes. Complete with back-talking, excuses about nightmare, and quoting Daddy back about her farts by saying, "Dropping bombs!"

She is excitable, quirky, crazy even. She has imaginary friends, and they are usually TV-based characters which shows the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She pushes her brother over when he annoys her and shows no remorse for it. Yet she coddles him and calls him her 'Benny Boy', and rushes to be the first one in his room when he is waking from a nap. 'Benny Boy, I'm coming!" she cries, rushing up the stairs.

She has some developmental issues as well. Smart as a whip, she knows her ABC's, her numbers and is starting to recognize and learn them and I can sense the early stages of reading... but she drools like a mad dog for a bone. She has been doing so for a long time now and I mentioned to her pediatrician and he wasn't worried because her language is great. But it keeps nagging at me, and creating puddles on clothing and in awkward situations, so I googled and found out about lots of animals that have drooling issues (who knew?) and that some kids have excessive drool that is related to disproportion between the tongue and lower jaw. This can lead to a speech impediment and since Maggie sounds a little like a Swedish girl on vacation, I think it is best we explore this route. So, I am on to some speech therapists to check it out.

But besides all the tantrums, the older sister domination, and the constantly wet chin, she remains a sweet, bright, and damn funny little thing...and gosh darn it, we love her.