Life with Randy

Break Out Your Scramble Suits!

2011-12-01T13:27:00.001-08:00

Be worried, America. For years a sinister threat has been creeping through our neighborhoods, waging war on all the good, decent, hardworking values we as Americans hold so dear to our hearts. There's true strife in this nation these days, and it's affecting some of our fellow Americans severely. Finally, Attorney General Eric Holder has stepped forward and done something dramatic: He's asking

Okay, for real though.

2011-10-24T16:19:00.000-07:00

This is the weirdest thing you'll see all day.

I Probably Should Have Thought That Through

2011-10-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

I play Dungeons & Dragons once a week with friends, because at the age of 29 I realized I had not been mercilessly ridiculed enough in my life. Anyway, it makes for a late night and since my wife is up at the ass crack of dawn every morning to get to culinary school, she's usually asleep when I get home. I tried sneaking into bed without waking her up last night when the following transpired:

A Quick Lesson in Business PR: Help Your Dying Employees

2011-10-18T13:33:00.002-07:00

I have to offer some completely unsolicited advice to Time Warner Cable: when one of your employees slumps over dead, don't tell people to ignore it and go back to work.Sadly, this advice comes too late for a customer service call center in Ohio, where 67-year-old Julia Nelson slumped over at her desk. When a co-worker realized she wasn't breathing and started performing CPR in an attempt to

My Pitch for a Cooking Show

2011-08-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

Forget all this Gordon Ramsay bullshit. I want a cooking show I can relate to. I don't want to see someone with more culinary talent and ability than I'll ever have perfecting recipes I'll never attempt; I want to see someone on a budget and under a time crunch. Like, for example, a show could follow a guy as he tries to grill some salmon, runs out of propane while pre-heating the grill and has

North to Alaska! Part 1

2011-07-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

"You really need to come up there. It's beautiful." Every summer, before she leaves for fishing season, my wife and I have some variation of this conversation. It's pretty weird that she spends three months out of the year somewhere else I've never been or seen, and I have no real idea what her job is like. So this year we finally had things together enough financially and I had the vacation days

Sometimes Comedy Just Comes in the Mail

2011-07-15T22:09:00.001-07:00

My wife spends her summers fishing for salmon in Alaska, which means for three months out of the year I'm in charge of things like making sure we don't go bankrupt. Part of that responsibility means I've got to get the mail to make sure any bills get paid before they start showing up with helpful reminders like "FINAL NOTICE" on the outside. For any other human being, this isn't a chore. For

I Don't Really Like the Timbers...

2011-06-15T11:26:00.000-07:00

...but I laughed.

I Don't Need No Stinking Lanyard

2011-06-07T16:00:00.001-07:00

I have to wear a badge to go to work. It's a stupid policy, born of bullshit corporate self-importance and lawyering, to try and protect us all from a crazed gunman or, worse, some kind of corporate espionage. If you don't know, I write jokes about iPods and laptops for a living. I work in a building full of people who build websites to sell shoes and jewelry. It's not exactly the fucking CIA,

Eatin' Shit. Eatin' Shit So Hard.

2011-06-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I have this weird masochistic streak in me where I love, absolutely LOVE, to watch terrible, awful, horrible performances. Mainly stand-up, since that's what I'm really into, but I'll sit through a seven minute video of some shitty garage band mutilating a Metallica song just to soak up the awfulness. I subscribe to Daniel Songer AND James William Gregory Jr. on YouTube, for

So What's the Most Messed Up Thing You've Ever Seen?

2011-05-03T17:20:00.002-07:00

Because after today, it's going to be this:

Tragic Email Misunderstandings.

2011-04-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry Mom. I know Mother's Day is coming up and all, but Ancestry.Com has ordered me to kill you.

Am I On Candid Camera or Something?

2011-04-27T22:25:00.002-07:00

I went to the gym tonight for the first time in far too long and hit the elliptical machine, since it's currently pouring rain outside with the possibility of snow later tonight. The running gag about gyms is that it can be a great place to scope out women (maybe it's a great place to scope out guys too, I dunno. I've never scoped guys, but I imagine if you wanted to you could probably just walk

I Need Help Deciding...

2011-04-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

...whether I should love or hate everyone involved in this.

Out Customer-Servicing Customer Service

2011-04-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

I worked Customer Service pretty much all through college. I worked the two worst possible variations of it, too: retail and customer service. You've heard it all before: people are fucking monsters in general, and people entitled by the mantra "the customer is always right" will make you pray for genocide. I actually didn't hate my job at the little video store. Yes we had shit heads who would

So This Happened Last Night

2011-04-12T16:18:00.000-07:00

I went to an open mic at a place I've never been to and paid my $5 to get in. They hand you a little generic raffle ticket just to show you've paid, except because I walked in right after a woman the ticket guy assumed I was with her and handed her two tickets. "Oh sorry," he said, "just get it from her." Now I don't know why he refused to just give me another ticket. They weren't actually

Life After the Bell: Samuel "Screech" Powers

2011-03-29T14:30:00.001-07:00

Continuing my examination of what happened to the characters of Saved by the Bell once the lights turned off. People have commented that my series on Saved by the Bell Characters has been pretty morbid, and to be honest I have to agree. I'm not sure why they turn out that way either. It's not like they're well-researched, re-written manuscripts. The creative process tends to be, "Oh shit, I

Fuck You, Atomic Tom

2011-02-16T12:59:00.000-08:00

Some shithead hipster band from Brooklyn is getting buzz along the interwebs today because they performed an "impromptu" concert on a New York City subway using only their iPhones. You can see it right here: See, their instruments got stolen so they had to improvise using their smartphones to play their hit single from the highly-anticipated album coming soon to blah blah whatever no one gives a

Life After the Bell: Lisa Turtle

2011-02-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

Continuing my examination of what happened to the characters of Saved by the Bell once the lights turned off. Ah, little Lisa Turtle, Fashionista of Bayside and token minority. When she wasn't fighting off the unwanted advances of Screech Powers, she was showing off her money with "totally outrageous" outfits not seen outside a San Bernadino mall in the late '80s. She was, aside from Slater, the

Maybe It Heard Us?

2011-01-10T15:21:00.000-08:00

Ever since Kat and I got together one thing has never changed: Kat's undying hatred of our car. I bought the Camaro in 2004 after my last car literally caught fire, lost its brakes, and hit one of those little boxes you put 75 cents in to get a newspaper. And at the time, being 23, it was awesome. I had a sports car! With T-TOPS! Sure, the first week I had it I spun it around in the snow on the

This is Why I Hate Public Bathrooms

2010-12-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

Kat and I got back into town Saturday night after visiting her family in Hawaii for Thanksgiving. We'd been gone for a week so the fridge was particularly bare. When we woke up Sunday feeling a little hungover from traveling, the prospect of hitting up the grocery store was a little more than either of us wanted to deal with, so I was able to convince Kat to go to brunch with me. Kat hates eating

Do You Love Pokemon?

2010-11-03T09:53:00.000-07:00

You don't love it as much as this guy. He fuckin' LOVES him some motherfuckin' Pokemon. PIKACHU WHOOP YO' ASS!

The Ballad of Sweet Tito

2010-10-31T18:48:00.000-07:00

Since I just moved to a new city and don't really know anyone, I've been spending a lot of time in front of the TV trying to put myself out there and meet some friends. Okay, A friend. Any friend. So when my co-worker Luke invited me to a weekly game night he's a part of, I was excited. My other work pals Josh, Matthew and Matt (no relation) were also attending, and I was happy at the prospect

James Bond's got Nothin' On This.

2010-10-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know what French Bond rip-off this is, but it's epic: I'm not sure how her boobs make a sound like a table saw, or how razor blades spinning at roughly the speed of a lamp pull string can disintegrate a chair like that. And if your mission is to wield razors dangling from your nipples in order to stop or incapacitate a French super-spy, shouldn't you, like, do something to him once

Oh my god, I get it. You want me to share this.

2010-10-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why it's showed up all of a sudden, and I can't for the life of me find it to get rid of it, but I apologize for the ever-increasing rash of "SHARE THIS" buttons appearing at the bottom of posts on the main page. Near as I can tell they don't show up when you click the actual entry link, but fuck they're annoying. Anyone know how I can remove them or what I should even be looking