Life With Zen

The Marvelous Sisterhood of Islam

2013-04-26T20:32:00.002-07:00

Isn't it amazing that one small gesture can make your day so much better? A smile, a nod saying hello or even a hug upon seeing the one's you love can make you feel better. What's more amazing is a religion where this is part of your everyday life. When I started learning about Islam, one of the first things I learned was how welcoming the sister's were. Even when I didn't know any of them, they always greeted me when they saw me. Some even offered a handshake and a hug. I never felt so welcomed and at the time, I never knew that I was embracing something so special and these strangers will suddenly become some of the best friends I have ever known.

It wasn't easy at first getting adjusted to becoming a Muslim. I don't think anyone really realizes how tough it is for one to change religions and change your perception about everything you have learned in the past. Changing religions meant that I had to put things into perspective and change my old ways. It was a fresh start for me but it wasn't easy.

Despite having made mistakes along the way, I couldn't have learned it all by myself. My husband contributed a lot to helping me learn. He was as patient as he could be and I love him for that. Alongside my husband, I met so many wonderful friends at the local mosque who corrected me when I was wrong, who helped me understand why certain things were done the way it was and even offered me Arabic lessons for free! These ladies are considered my sisters. In Islam, we are all brother's and sister's and that's how we refer to each other. My sister's were the one's who helped me get inspired to learn more and be proud of my hijab. I never felt so comfortable with my religion and understand my purpose in life until I became Muslim.

Even outside of the mosque, I am welcomed by my sister's. I learned about a website that is only for sister's and they play lectures 24/7 that relates to the religion. Majority of the week, they also offer free live lecture's by imam's, knowledgeable brothers and sister's who talk specifically to the sister's on topics related to the religion. When I was first introduced to the website by sister Aimee, I couldn't get on as much as I would have loved to. I was always busy with work and when I wasn't at work, I just wanted to relax with my family. Upon moving out of state and becoming a stay at home mom, I have more time to focus on my religion and listen to the educational lectures provided on the website. Now, I'm addicted! I can't go a day without checking in and seeing what is playing or listening to the live lectures.

You might be asking yourself, what is the website? I will tell you this before I tell you what the website is, this group of sisters who made the website possible are so delightful and understanding. The moderators, Amira, Hawa, Magda, and Arjmend, know what it is like to be in my shoes and they understand that we are all there for one purpose, to learn more. These sister's chat with you and talk with you as if they knew you all along. They showed me useful links and videos to help me understand certain things and never criticized me or other sister's who go in the live chat room/lecture room. These sister's are doing a marvelous thing for all Muslim sister's and I encourage all Muslim sister's to take advantage of the services they offer. The name of the group is: Sisters of Sunnah.

The lecturer's are also very welcoming and knowledgeable They are always answering questions to make things clear. They talk to us in a way so that all Muslim sister's can understand, no matter if they are new or been a Muslim all their life. I feel comfortable asking the imam's questions on topics and their response is always a joyous response, they are glad that we ask questions. They are very passionate about teaching the sister's on various topics. Asking questions to clarify topics only makes you smarter and more aware of your religion. Imam Tariq Abdur Rashid and Brother Ali Abdul-Karim have answered so many questions for me and they make things clear and understandable. The topics they cover can range anywhere from doing good deeds, deceptions of the shaytan (devil), musical instruments and so much more!! There are other imam's and brother's who come in and give very well thought out, educational lectures. We even have a sister, Umm Jannah, who teaches us Arabic lessons online and she gives the sister's a chance to recite and she helps correct their mistakes, which is so important because the last thing we want to do is recite the prayer wrong!

I couldn't have been more blessed to have been introduced to a website to help me learn. I pray that the website continues to prosper and that many more sister's who are looking for a place to learn more will come to the website and get inspired.

Is Trusting Easy?

2012-11-15T09:58:00.003-08:00

I believe in life you meet people for a reason. Sometimes the reason is not a good reason. You might meet someone who will bring you down so low in life or someone who will make you a better person or someone who will make you laugh or smile. It's not easy to trust everyone in your life and sometimes its even hard to know if the one's you trust are the one's you should be trusting or not.

I always hear people tell me "don't trust anyone". I guess that includes them as well. Why do we trust those who make us think that we can't trust anyone but yet we trust them? Why must we trust at all? What kind of world do we live in that we can't trust anyone. In life we have secrets, we have moments of joy, moments of sadness, etc. It's just normal to want to share those life experiences with others. However, we trust that person to keep our business to themselves. We don't expect our friends to go out and tell the entire world our business. We expect our friends to maintain that bond and trust we created so that our friendship may continue to grow. However, you will soon find out that there might be a friend who will deceive you. That is why that person is in your life, to remind you that people can be deceiving.

http://www.thadguy.com/comic/dont-trust-anyone/174/

So why is trust so hard? To some, trusting is very easy and not so easy to other's. If we don't trust someone, why don't we tell them? It's funny because if someone didn't trust me I don't think I would want to know but at some point I need to know so I can know my boundaries. What has someone done to you recently that makes you not want to trust anymore?

To Wear A Hijab or Not

2012-06-08T20:52:00.003-07:00

When I started learning about Islam, I was not fully comfortable about wearing a hijab. I wasn't used to wearing things on my head. I also didn't know how I would look. I felt different and I didn't know the significance of wearing a hijab. This was something I was going to have to get used to.

I don't like to stick out much in a crowd. I like to keep my life simple and stay away from too much attention. Whenever I put on my hijab I noticed I got stared at more often than I would have liked. I don't think people intentionally stare or realize that they are even staring. There are times when I'm staring at someone without noticing it and not knowing why I was staring in the first place. I guess I can't blame them. Not many people are exposed to the different cultures and religions and when they see something they have never seen before they tend to stare. Other's might do it for other reasons but we will never know why one would stare.

You might think wearing a hijab is nothing, just do it and forget about what other's think. It's a lot easier said than done, especially for one who never wore one before. Growing up wearing a hijab is a lot different from growing up Catholic converting to Islam and having to wear that hijab and dress more modestly. I can honestly say that dressing modestly was a lot easier for me because I never dressed to show off. That was easy. However, wearing the hijab is something that was hard for me to change.

I did notice people do treat me a lot different from when I wear my hijab and when I don't. I noticed that the same cashier who checked me out everyday at the grocery store suddenly changed her attitude towards me when I was wearing my hijab. She was suddenly more quieter and not as friendly. She barely said hello. Was I more intimidating when I wore my hijab or was she afraid that she might say something that might offend me or maybe she thought I didn't speak English. I guess finding out a person's true colors is better than not.

I always wondered what will happen if I wore my hijab to work. Would they accept me or would they give me a hard time? I know I will get a lot of questions and gossip behind my back, but at the same time, I thought we are all adults, why are we still talking bad or questioning other's as adults? Don't you think that at our age that we would actually not worry about how other people live and dress and we would be more concerned about ourselves? Gossip is a true crime against human nature. I also wonder how differently I would be treated if I did an interview with a hijab and without a hijab. I guess getting a job that accepts me for who I am is a lot better than getting a job for pretending who I am not.

So for those who criticize us for wearing a hijab, think about your own actions and worry about who you are instead. Yes, I am Muslim. Yes, I am American. No, I didn't come from the Middle East. Yes, I do have a family and tons of friends who support me, Muslim and non-Muslim. I will start wearing my hijab everyday....it's a work in progress and may God give me the strength and courage to wear it. I need to wear it everyday.

Friends

2012-05-25T14:51:00.002-07:00

Creating friendships is a lot easier when you are young. You trust easily and if it's recess time, the more you have the better it is. While in elementary school it didn't matter who was popular, that was something that was created when you got into middle school. In elementary school you looked for someone who was fun to hang out with, someone who you can laugh with.

As I grew older I realized friends were being picked on how they looked. It might not be true for all people but I realized the more popular group was a lot more good looking. I never fit in that group but I also never fit into any group while growing up. I realized that the friends I had were good enough for me and we were not associated with any type of group. Although some might say I was with a group of nerds, but I didn't think so. I think my friends were cool. I still think my friends are cool. I didn't care what other's thought of me because I knew I had the best group of friends that I could ever ask for and I wouldn't change that for the world.

The friends I had in elementary to middle school to high school, even in college, were all different. I didn't keep the one friend I had in elementary school all the way to high school like some would say. It was like I changed group of friends as we changed schools. However, I still consider them all my friends despite not hanging out with them as much I did in the past. I think as we all grow older we change our styles and attitudes and that is what contributes to different groups of friends. The group of friends I have now is not the same that I had in the past. I can honestly say that I never held a grudge against any of my friends, nor have I ever had any fights with any friends that resulted in a loss of friendship.

I admit, I still talk to some friends I had grown up with. For instance, I work with Pam and we hang out all the time for lunch but working together has helped us to stay in contact and hang out with each other during the week. I think we understand each other despite what other's might think of us. I also have my middle school BFF Lydia who still talks to me and we still have mutual respect for each other. Lydia has been there for me through a lot of changes I faced as I grew older. It's no lie that BFF's are forever. She is still there for me even though we haven't seen each other in years. My high school BFF was Melissa and Hilda. We are still in contact but I haven't seen them in years as well. We have all gone in different paths. I have many BFF's. I think I got blessed to have so many friends who wanted to be best friends with me. In college I was lucky to meet the best group of friends that I still admire and talk to today. Even though we are all in different states, we still have a tight bond with each other and I will never forget my college BFF's Abby, Steph and Chris. Even now, I have created new relationships with friends at work. Keeping a close bond to those at work can benefit you in the long run. You never know which friend of your's will be the one to help you with your work load or give you an excellent reference.

I think friendship as you grow older gets a little more complicated. You don't trust easily and you want someone who you have the same interests as you. You tend to find someone who is easy to talk to and someone who has gained your trust. You find someone who makes you happy. At work I found that in a few of my fellow co-workers.

My daughter has several best friend's as well. I see her playing with her friends and it makes me happy that she is not just happy with just one best friend, she is happy with many best friends. The group of friends she is with is the same group she has been with since kindergarten. Her classmates have been the same throughout her school years. I think it's wonderful. This group of girls have become really close that they know each other's personality, what they like and where they are from. They know each other's family as well. I know who the parents are and I feel comfortable talking to them. I think all her friends come from a wonderful family. My daughter makes friends easily. She isn't afraid to play with someone new. I think at this age they are still very loyal to each other but they are also not afraid to gain new friends.

I still have many groups of friends. I hope as my daughter grows older she can realize that friends can come and go as they please but your true friends are the ones you are going to remember for a lifetime and will carry their friendship for years to come, whether they are near or far. They can also come from many different places. I hope that she has many and many more friends that she can call her best friend. It's hard to only have one best friend because in reality you can have many, all which help you with different purposes and when you have a tight relationship with them, they won't worry about jealousy issues because the reality of it is that we all many friends which we can trust and depend on.

I know I haven't kept up with many of my friends from my school days (elem, mid, high or college) or my work friends but I just want to let them know that I love them all. If it wasn't for you being my friend, I don't know how life will be with out you. You have all inspired me to become much better than what I am, to achieve higher goals, to stay true to my family and to love what I have and what I will gain in the future. Thank you for always being there for me, to hear me vent or to hear my joys. You will always have a special place in my heart. Friends are forever after all right?

Love Is Not Easy

2012-05-14T20:13:00.002-07:00

My husband has been so wonderful. I have been blessed to have met such a guy. When people hear how we met they tell me that it was meant for us to be together. Either way, the time I have spent with him has been wonderful. I can't imagine my life without him.

Being married has bought a lot of respect to myself from not only family and friends but from me. I have learned to be more respectful and caring to other's. A lot more people tend to respect those who are married and raising a family together. I have heard a lot of older people tell me stories how they met and how nowadays couples just don't take marriage too seriously. When I tell them I have been married for eight years now they look and talk to me with more respect. They love the fact that a young couple such as my husband and I have been married for such a long period of time. Being married isn't easy at times but it's how you work together that will keep your marriage going for more and more years.

The main thing about being married is that you have to keep finding new ways to love and cherish the one you have. You should never let the love you have disappear, you have only one life, why not love and care for those who love and care for you. It's a simple concept but it is also very hard at times but love should never be forgotten. I don't want to carry such a heavy heart thinking that if he loves me that he will do this or that. I want him to know that I love him and I will do my best to show it. Showing the one person you love them isn't going to bring you any regrets later in life. If someone doesn't want to show you they love you, don't get mad, there might be reasons why they don't show it.

Some think that showing too much affection is a sign of weakness. I don't think it's a sign of weakness. I think it makes a person strong to show who they really are by telling people how they feel about them. Only a few strong people can be honest with each other and only a few people can be strong enough to be the first one to say "I Love You". I remember that I never wanted to be the first one to say it because I didn't want to loose him over those words. I didn't know how he would have taken it. Would he leave and never want to talk to me again? Would he say "I love you too"? What would happen when those three little words come out? There's so much emotion involved. We are all afraid of heartbreak. However, once we say those words it becomes easier and you wonder why you never said them earlier.

I have heard many people say that loved and trusted someone so much that they got hurt. Life is full of hurt and so much more. What will life be have we not learn how to love and have a heartbreak or love and be happy? Falling in love shouldn't be complicated right? We all want to be happy, we all want that feeling that we love someone and they love us back. Just because we experienced a heartbreak doesn't mean we have to give up on love. You have to be happy yourself and you have to love again so that the happiness will bring you greater joy. Falling in love again and again is just a way of us knowing that all things are possible. You have to keep falling in love again and again with your spouse. What qualities do you have that will make someone fall in love with you over and over again? What qualities does your spouse have that will make you keep falling head over heels for them? Look at your spouse and yourself, what makes you two special? Everyone is special in their own ways.

Life is short, we should never give up on opportunities to tell each other "I love you". You never know if you will live to see another day. That's why it's important that if you are fighting with another or having issues with your brother's, sister's, parent's, children, etc, you should always end the argument by saying "Either way, I still love you". You don't want to regret the words you have said should something happen as you walk away from an argument. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person, the more mature one and make peace with one another and really tell them how you feel. Just because an argument arises doesn't mean it's time to give up. You have to keep working hard at a relationship so that the trials and tribulations you face will make you and your relationship stronger. You have to learn from your mistakes and never make the same mistake twice. Listen to each other, give each other advice, tell them how you feel and always make sure that when you walk out that door you always tell your spouse, kids, parents, etc, that you love them, even when you are mad. Don't ever loose the opportunity to tell them that you love them. Don't ever give up hope that love is wasted. You love someone for a reason, not for regrets.

Converting to Islam

2012-05-06T21:38:00.001-07:00

I recently talked about how changing religions can be challenging but it is also necessary for some. Converting to Islam was something I had decided to do once I was introduced to it. When my husband had talked to me about Islam I knew I had to make a choice for the sake of my family. I sure am glad I picked Islam as my religion.

Islam is not easy to learn but the great thing about the religion is that we all encourage each other to keep learning, keep reading and keep praying. I have never felt bad for asking questions related to the religion and it's because the sisters who are there to answer my questions help me out graciously. They have never made me feel bad about asking questions. If I made a mistake, they tell me with kindness and help me understand why we can't do this or that. At the beginning when they would tell me not to do this, dress like this, you need to do it this way, I felt like they were picking on me. Well that was until another sister help me understand that they are trying to help me because they want my prayers to be answered. It made me feel better that this community was trying to make me better by giving me advice and tips and correcting me when I was wrong.

The hardest part about converting was learning how to dress accordingly. That meant, wearing a hijab and covering my body in full, no short sleeves, no short skirts, no tight clothes. I wasn't used to a hijab and still not but with time I will become more comfortable with it either in hot weather or cold weather because in the end it isn't about how I think others will perceive me, it's about pleasing God. Some may not know or understand why we wear hijabs. From my understanding is that the woman wear the hijab because we need to modest in our dress and we don't want males looking at us in a way that only our husbands should look at us. We dress modest so we don't cause unnecessary attention to ourselves.

Muslims pray five times daily. I have never prayed so much in my life with other religions. Islam teaches me that I must always remember Allah (God) and to please him we must pray. Praying five times daily is a reminder throughout the day that there is a God and that we must remember him at all times. We don't thank any prophet or anyone else for that matter for what was given us, we always thank Allah. When we eat, drink, dress, wash our bodies with clean water, get home from work, buying new things, seeing beautiful flowers, etc, we always thank Allah for all that he has provided for us. Praying five times daily at certain times of the day is a daily reminder that we are here to worship the creator, not the creation.

Once thing I am struggling with is having to learn my prayers in Arabic. The Quran is written in Arabic and when we recite our prayers we recite in Arabic. Learning a second language isn't easy and to have to learn how to do it on your own is even harder. There are resources out there and even Muslim brother's and sisters who teach Arabic for free. It's just a matter of me having that extra time to attend a class and making time for it. I learn a lot of my prayers from online resources that teaches me not only how to recite in Arabic, but also what I am reciting in English. I am blessed that my children are able to learn Arabic at school and at age 5 my daughter was starting to read Arabic. Two years later she is able to open up the Quran and read the Arabic language as if it was her first language. She is very smart and intelligent and has always impressed me.

I have met a wonderful group of Muslim sisters. They are ever so kind and gentle in their ways. They have always provided me with insight and we help each other out. They encourage each other to do better, achieve higher standards, to be patient with our children when teaching them, to understand our husbands and to always remember to pray. They are also very nice and funny. They love to cook and give to other's. We never pass by another Muslim sister or brother without greeting them, even if we don't know them personally. We always greet and we always return the greeting back even better should they greet your first. We greet each other with "Assalamalikyum" which means "peace be upon you." When returning the greeting we say " wa 'alaykumu s-salamu wa rahmatu l-lahi wa barakatuh" which means "may peace, mercy and blessings of God be upon you." So when we greet each other, we are also praying for each other. There is so much to learn in Islam that everyday is a learning day.

MORE TO COME.....

Trying different religions

2012-04-24T20:00:00.001-07:00

Converting religions isn't easy. It does take a lot of discipline to change your way's when you have always known it to be one way since you were born. I was raised in a Catholic home. I did everything a Catholic was supposed to do: getting baptized as an infant, making my first holy communion, and finally my confirmation when I was older. I had volunteered as a confirmation teacher but while volunteering I had started to question my faith again. There was something missing, things didn't make any sense. But that wasn't the first time that I had questioned the religion I was growing up with.

When my mom passed away when I was 19, I had went back to ENMU to continue my higher education. A lot of things didn't make sense. I started to see things differently. I had thought maybe I wasn't going to church enough. So I had never missed Sunday service and attended every church service during the Catholic holidays. That, however, didn't satisfy my needs. I needed more. I had questions and I talked one on one with the priest and he gave some positive insight but the answers were not what I was looking for. I didn't even know what I was looking for at the time. I felt lost.

The head athletic trainer at ENMU at the time suggested that I try other religions. He set up a meeting with me and one of the softball players. She seemed to have been very involved in her own religion which I believe was Baptist. I met with her in the cafe and I opened up to her. She had no clue what was coming to her. I had mentioned to her how my mom had just recently passed away and how things didn't make any sense. She invited me to the bible study group they had formed in the basement in one of the dorm rooms. I started to go there and I took the time to listen to them, heard them sing and saw how involved they were in their religion. Somehow, I wasn't feeling it. I wasn't that involved.

I had also tried Mormon. I talked with my friend Jennifer and she invited me to go with her several times to her church services. When I found out they had more chapters to the Bible that's when the questions started coming out. How come the Mormon's have additional chapters in the Bible? Why didn't I know about this before? How was the book the Mormon's read was different from the Catholic or the Christians? Now I knew that there was other books. I never really knew that other religions had different books. Mormons were really nice people, very quiet and reserved. It was getting closer to what I had wanted but I didn't feel it was a fit for me.

I had left ENMU and came back home to be closer to my family. I felt it was a right decision at the time. We all needed each other. I had started going with one of my best friend Liz to the Potter House. I guess its Christian based. She thought maybe I can try that out and see how I felt. I attended it several times to give it a try. I didn't care too much for it. It just wasn't me. There was more to the singing that I was searching for. I didn't want to hear them shouting out the gospel. I wanted to hear it in a very calm and nice voice. The Christian faith was too loud for me. It just wasn't me.

I didn't know many religions, I never really study religion. So I took a class at CNM. What happened in that class was unbelievable! The professor was so involved in getting us to answer "who is God and how did he get here" that I started to find it offensive. I mean, who are we to question how God came about? So once again, I was in search for answers. I turned to my older brother who invited me to attend Bible study with his group of friends.

That was a more quiet group but they wanted to do this "talk in tongues" thing and I didn't understand what that was. Correct me if I'm wrong but the way I understood it was that prayers are heard if you talk in tongues. I had gotten "re-baptized" with that religion and they did it in a swimming pool which I thought was odd, I thought maybe a stream or lake would have been better. To them being baptized in a swimming pool was acceptable.

Then I found out that each Bible was different. The one I had had verses that newer versions didn't have. This version was different from that version and that version had a different interpretation of what this verse said. I didn't understand that if the word of God was the word of God then why is there so many versions? Everyone has their answers to that but I don't find any of those answers satisfying. Why would we change the word of God? Who gave us permission to do such a thing? I never really understood that. I gave up. I had no religion. I believed in God but no religion was giving me the answers I was looking for.

Then along comes my husband. My wonderful husband, oh how I love him, every time I think about him I just smile. I'm so blessed that he came into my life and he couldn't have came at a better time. We were dating for about 7 months before we decided to get married. While planning our wedding the religion question came about. He was Muslim and Islam was the religion. I never thought about Islam before. It was really foreign to me but then again, his culture was different from mine. Islam was the new religion I was going to learn about and I was on my way to become a Muslim.

One thing I learned is that every religion is the same but also very different. We shouldn't judge other peoples religion if we don't know anything about it. I had to go in with an open mind every time I tried a new religion, a new place of worship. I had to give it a fair chance. I didn't go in with a negative attitude or a defensive attitude. I went in and gave it a shot because I was looking for something new. Going in with an open mind is not easy. As you grow older you start getting set in your ways and you believe what you have been taught. Religion is not as easy as it seems.

BECOMING A MUSLIM....COMING SOON

Love Letters

2012-04-05T11:19:00.001-07:00

I love "love letters". They always bring a smile and I feel better when I read it. I am blessed to know that a love letter from my daughter or my husband or my mom can make my day much better when I read it. It shows me the love they have for me and it brings back memories.

Recently, I remembered when I was writing my blog about my mom that she had sent me a get well card while I was sick at college. I thought I had lost that card. I remembered very well what was wrong with me at the time and I remember she was sick too. Now I think about it and crying about being sick with strep throat isn't half as bad as dying from cancer. She was sicker than me and I thought I had it bad at the time. I never knew what had happened to that card. It's amazing how things don't matter too much til the person is no longer with you and then you start to wonder where those letters are.

I got blessed. I was at my dad's house picking up the kids. He had given me a box of things I had left at my sisters house. I found that get well card in that box. It brought tears to my eyes. I never appreciated the words she spoke until I had read it again. What was more amazing was that I had not only found the get well card in that box but two additional letters from my mom telling me how much she loved me and was proud of me. I never realized how much those words could mean until now. Reading those letters from her expressing her love and happiness for me made me feel good. I had missed my mom so much. I lost her when I was only 19 years old. I think about her all the time. Reading those letters was like reading it for the first time. I had no clue she had written me two additional letters.

My brother told me that finding those letters was her way of trying to tell me something. It was a way of God reminding me of her, allowing me to hear her voice again through paper. I wish I could hear her voice again. It's odd how you have memories of people but their voice seems to get lost in translation.

I have written my husband and my daughter love letters many times. My son get's pictures since he can't read. I never realized how writing a simple letter showing your love and appreciation for the person can make such a huge impact. My husband has saved all my letters I have written to him. I hope that one day if i'm gone and he misses me that he will go back and read those letters as if it was the first time he had read them. I hope that my daughter understands the importance of getting things from your mother is more important than anything else in the world. Having a mother-daughter relationship is so important. I love my daughter so much. I love getting love letters from her as well. Those letters have a great deal of meaning to me. They bring me joy and happiness and lots of love just fills my heart when I get a letter from her. I had only wished that my daughter and son as well as my husband were able to meet my mom.

Parents, take the time today and write your kids a love note, see what their reactions are when they read it. See how much better you feel when they write you a love note back. If you don't have kids, write your spouse or significant other a love note. In today's world, e-mail and Facebook are easy ways to express your feelings but it's not the same when its written with your own handwriting. I saw my cousin Debra post about her husband hiding a "I Love You" note in her wallet. She wasn't feeling good and seeing that handwritten note from him with just a simple I love you made her feel so much better. Hand written notes have so much value to them. No one writes the same, we all have unique handwriting and that handwriting makes that note so much more special than an e-mail. Take the time out today and do a handwritten note to someone special and make their day brighter.

Having Affairs

2012-03-31T20:52:00.002-07:00

I don't understand why couples have affairs. I really think that if you are cheating on your spouse you are being dishonest with him or her. Dishonesty is a huge issue in marriages. Being dishonest with your spouse is being dishonest with yourself. Why would anyone want to live such guilt on their shoulders?

Here's my opinion: If you feel like your relationship is getting no where then notify your spouse and your intentions. You should never hurt the one's who love you the most. Your spouse is the first point of contact when something happens to you or your children. Your spouse is the one who you come home to every night (or should come home to). You made a promise to each other and to God that you will stay faithful to one another. Do you think that having an affair only affects you? It doesn't. It affects everyone, your spouse, your children, your family, your friends and not only does it make you look like a player but as someone who can't stay committed and co-workers might even frown upon your foolish acts. If you can't stay faithful to one person then be honest, stop playing with your spouse's heart and feelings. How about the one you are having an affair with? Don't you think he/she has feelings as well? How would you react if it was the other way around? Would you approve of your spouse having an affair with a co-worker? Stay faithful to your spouse, it makes you look like a wonderful parent and spouse and it's better to have people look up to you rather than frown upon you. Get some help if you feel like you can't stay faithful, try to spice things up in your marriage and find ways to fall back in love again and again with your spouse. Chances are, if you are having an affair you are not giving your spouse the right amount of attention she/he deserves and you have settled for less. Take a look again at your spouse, do you know everything about him/her? Take that time to get to know your spouse and find new ways to improve your love to each other. It's worth it.

Why I Love My Mom

2012-02-12T21:20:00.002-08:00

When my mom passed away in July of 2000, it was heartbreaking. I couldn't imagine my life without the one woman who I always looked up too. She was a strong woman. Every morning she woke up before dawn and started her way to work. I have gone to work with her a few times as part of the "Take Your Kid's To Work Day". I never realized how hard she worked until I went to work with her for a day. My feet hurt, I was tired, my arms hurt as well. She was a baker. All day long at the Marriott she was on her feet making all sorts of baked goods so that those who were staying there can enjoy something sweet. When she came home, her job wasn't done. She still had to take care of her own kids and cook dinner. Isn't it funny how you never appreciate the little things your mom does for you when you are small?

My mom was there for me through a lot of things. She helped me pick out Homecoming and Prom dresses in high school, she went to my cross-country meets when they were held in town and she even made my hair look good. She saw me graduate and we took a little drive to Portales, NM when I was deciding which college to attend. We stayed the night in the dorms at Eastern New Mexico University and I can remember us taking walks around the campus, meeting different people and having to take the bus back home. She did what she had to do to get me to go to college so I can make a difference in my own life. She wanted me to succeed.

When it was time for me to leave for college, the entire family took the trip with us and we went to Carlsbad Caverns. We never had been on a family trip before. We never had the money to go on such a trip. We grew up in a low-income neighborhood. I can remember the first time we moved into such a neighborhood due to circumstances. We had nothing except our clothes, but day by day through the help of neighbors and family we started to get furniture and electricity. Before you knew it we were living comfortably. Living in a neighborhood termed as "the projects" you get a lot of crime and we had always had to deal with constant break-in's. As time went by we grew smarter and learned how to hide our valuables so that the next time they won't take our precious items. I remember one time they broke into our freezer and took all of our meat. Never once did my mom give up. She kept her head high and kept moving on because life goes on. There's no need to cry over material things she said. What mattered to her was that none of us were hurt.

I remember arriving at the dorms for my first time away from home. I looked back and saw my mom crying as I walked into the dorms. My entire family was proud of me. I was her only child of 6 to have gone to college. To me it was something that I always wanted to do but I didn't know what I wanted to study. All I knew was that I had to get this degree so I can prove to myself, to my family, to my "project" friends that yes, you can move on to better things, you just have to have determination and the willingness to work hard to do so. I was lucky that Financial Aide and scholarships paid my way through college. Even when my mom passed away I was lucky to have a dad who was able to get me on the V.A. program so that they can help me pay my way through college.

God has blessed me in many ways to assist me in getting my degree. When I thought I couldn't afford it anymore, God provided it for me. It was always in my heart to finish my degree, even if it took me 7 years to get a bachelor's degree, I always went back and tried my best. I was determined to get that degree. I wanted my mom to be proud of me, I wanted her to have at least one child to go on to get a higher education. My only mistake was choosing the wrong field to get a degree in. That's when I had wish I had my mom there to help me make those decisions. I wish I had done special education or something in health care. Instead, I opted for Public Relations and it has gotten me no where. I don't know how some people get lucky in P.R. and land good paying jobs. I guess I didn't have the time to do internships and that is what hurt me the most.

I remember my first semester in college, it was getting towards the end of the semester and finals were coming up. I remember making a phone call home to tell my mom when I would be home and where to pick me up. I was talking to my step-dad and I over heard my oldest sister Jessica asking my mom if she has told me yet and I heard my mom said no. I asked my step-dad what they were talking about and he said "I don't know, you know them, they like to talk" and quickly passed the phone to my mom. I didn't know what to think. I asked my mom what was wrong and she said nothing and she got a little choked up so she ended the conversation with something like "I better let you go and I'll see you in a few days." I really didn't think the worse when I heard that, I thought maybe it was something like my fish had died and they didn't want to tell me or she is moving and they didn't tell me (well that did happen, I didn't know my mom had gotten a new house until I went home for Thanksgiving and that's when I got to see the house).

I remember walking the campus in the afternoon, it was all lonely. I saw an owl sitting on the grass where I was passing. I thought that was odd. I remember telling my friend Rob about the owl. He told me that his grandma said that the owl was a sign that something bad was coming or that something really good can happen but it depended on how I felt when I saw it. I guess seeing an owl during the daytime like that is not very common. I have never really done much research on owls. It made me scared. I got ready to go home and my roommate, Jennifer, was so kind enough to drive me home. I remember her meeting my mom in the parking lot of Old Navy. I switched cars and I was excited to tell her everything. I remember telling her about my friend Abby and how she get's to go see a cat-scan of a knee (we were studying to be athletic trainers so those things were huge to us). That's when the news dropped. My mom said she went for one too. I asked why. My sister Jessica was driving and I just saw the tears. My mom had told me the cancer had returned. It wasn't looking good.

My mom had gotten breast cancer when I was a junior in high school. I remember always talking to my B.F.F. Lydia about it. She was so wonderful and was always there for me. I never really thought about cancer affecting anyone that I loved. I never really knew anyone who had cancer so it was all new to me. I remember having to go with my mom to her chemo therapies and radiation therapies as well. She was a strong woman, she was able to go through all that treatment and still was able to stand strong. She wasn't ashamed to show off her bald head or walk around with only one breast.

I remember in my senior year she was in the last few treatments and we had senior night. She came to the basketball game and I was a student trainer for the boy's varsity team. They asked my mom to come to the game and before the game they were to introduce the senior's and their parents. My mom could barely walk and yet she was able to stand there and I remember looking across the court as I walked with a rose to give to her as my thanks. I remember the coach's wife saying that my mom was so strong and that she admired her. When it was time for me to graduate she was done with treatments and they said the cancer was all gone. All that was left to her was to get stronger.

At the time, I was a catholic and I had my high school graduation on Saturday and my confirmation on Sunday. It was a huge weekend for me. My mom's hair was finally growing back and she was looking great. She had a party for me and invited everyone. She made my graduation cake and cooked. I remember she got so creative with the watermelon, she made it as a basket. It was so creative it was the first time I saw fruit designed as anything. I remember helping her scoop the melon into little balls to put into the watermelon basket. It was fun times. We were celebrating a lot, her health and my graduation.

To hear that her cancer had came back was devastating. The only thing I can think about was how she had to go through all that pain again and all those treatments that made her sick to her stomach. She said that the cancer had spread to her brain and pretty much everywhere else. I thought it was going to be the same thing, treatment was going to cure it. However she decided this time to not go through the treatment. Even had she did it wouldn't have made a difference, it wasn't able to be cured this time. I didn't know what to think or how to react. I thought calling my college friend will help me but she didn't know what to say. I didn't think she understood what I was going through. I didn't expect anyone to know. So I called my high school B.F.F. Lydia and we went out. She helped me get my mind cleared and was able to console me. I remember getting my belly button pierced that night. I really don't know why to this day why I did such a foolish thing. I guess at that time it was something that everyone was getting into and it became the new trend. It hurt a lot and I felt like throwing up afterwards. I'm so glad I got rid of it but the mark is still there. I wish I hadn't gotten the piercing. This is what happens when you are not in the right state of mind and you are going through so much that you are easily convinced to do things such body piercing. To some it's OK but I really don't find it attractive any more. I'm just glad it was only a piercing rather than a tattoo.

I guess my mom had a feeling I had done something because when I came home that night she asked to see it. I always wondered how she knew things. It's amazing how mom's just have that instinct that you did something and they want you to just tell them. So I showed her. She thought it was cute and at the time I did too.

Mom's just always have that instinct that something has gone wrong or you did something good. She has raised us from babies to grown adults. She has studied our expressions and our moods. She has always known when we weren't feeling good or just flat out lying about being sick. She knows everything about us.

Ways To Encourage Education In Your Household

2011-12-21T12:34:00.001-08:00

**Recently Published in the Albuquerque Journal On March 24, 2012 in Op-Ed section Page A7**
http://www.abqjournal.com/main/2012/03/24/opinion/parents-essential-to-learning-process.html

1. Set An Example. To encourage your children to do well in their education, you have to be the prime example. Talk to them about your achievements when you were in school or clubs you joined. Your children look up to you and admire you, you have to set the example.

2. Encourage Reading. Its even better if you read together. Children actually do love books, especially when the parents are enjoying the book with them. Reading helps expands the imaginations and reading books actually helps improve grades.

3. Writing. Encourage your children to write their own stories is a way for them to be proud of their own work. This helps increase a sense of accomplishment and improve necessary writing skills that is important and critical when they grow older.

4. After School Clubs and Activities. Getting them involved in school activities will keep them on track to better grades and friendships. Get them involved in something they are interested in and encourage them to also try something new otherwise they may never know if they will like it or not. Usually these clubs require good grades and helps encourages them to do well in school.

5. Do Homework Together. Watching them and getting involved when they are doing homework makes your child aware that you are involved in their education. This helps them do better so they can impress you and keep those good grades.

6. Incentives and Rewards For Good Grades. When your child comes home with excellent report cards you should reward them. Rewarding them is encouraging them to continue to do well in school. The reward doesn't have to be much, maybe bake them their favorite cookies or pizza. Something as simple as their favorite food is an excellent way to show them how you appreciate their hard work and that its not going unnoticed.

7. Create Games. If your child is struggling with math or any subject, find some games to help them improve. Your child is probably frustrated when they have a hard time with a certain subject but when you as a parent assist them and find alternatives to help them understand it helps your child with the confidence they need to improve.

8. Show Them Different Career Paths. I loved going to work with my mom when I was young. It helped me understand and appreciate the work she did every single day. Even ask a friend or neighbors if they can talk to your child about the type of work they do so that when your child is about to enter the world of working they are prepared and they will study hard to get where they want to be.

9. Have Lunch With Them. Every now and then, take an extra lunch break and go eat lunch with your child. My kids love it. This will help them appreciate you as their parent and as their teacher.

10. The Earlier The Better. Teaching your child even as young as a newborn will help them grow up to be intelligent and social. Having excellent social skills is needed to get an excellent job and do well in school. Even a newborn is learning about their new environment and they will continue to learn every single day. Encourage their learning and social skills starting when they are born so that they can grow up to be successful.

11. Write them notes. My kids love it when I put a little letter in their lunch box. I don't make it fancy or anything, just a simple letter encouraging them to keep doing well in school. Believe or not, she has kept every letter I wrote her and it has helped her have a great day in school. Simple notes with a simple picture to your child is a great surprise and they will love it and sometimes they will write you a note back.

Bullying and Your Children

2011-12-14T17:45:00.002-08:00

Bullying has become more and more serious over the years, even to the extent as suicide. As parents, we need to be responsible for our children's actions and the way they behave. We need to teach our children values and morals. You can't just say "oh they are just kids, let them play". You might think its OK but that other child who is being bullied or harassed might think otherwise.

As parents, we need to teach our children how to deal with bullies and how to not become a bully. At the same time, we also need to teach our children to stand up for themselves for when they do get bullied and take the appropriate steps to resolve the issues. They need to feel comfortable coming to you for guidance and therefore you should make yourself available to ease their pain, help them through this and step up for them.

I have never been bullied or been the bully, I've been lucky. But as a parent I teach my kids about bullies and what to do. Some parents will never do that and that is what makes bullying a hard issue to over come. I love my kids, they are my life and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them but I can't prevent everything and I can't be by their side 24/7 holding their hands. But, what I can do is teach them and help them when I am around them and pray for the best. I might not know the answer to every question they ask but you better believe I will search for an answer or seek advice from my husband regarding the issue.

Maybe if parents and children take the following steps, we can be one step closer to stopping this madness.

Charity. Teaching your child about giving to other's and having them help out at a local charity might help your child be more caring and giving. There are tons of non-profit organizations out there that would be more than happy to have your child go and volunteer so that they learn young about charity and the meaning behind it.
Support Groups. If your local school doesn't have one, you might want to suggest it. Sometimes talking to your own peers is more helpful and easier. Having a group of your own peers come together to stop the bullying and assist those who are bullied will help create a strong bond against bullying.
Keep Your Child Involved in Activities. If your child is busy with activities they are more than likely too busy to think about bullying. If you get a complaint stating your child is teasing another child, give your child more responsibility so that they won't have time to think about bullying anymore.
Know Your Children's Friends. I can't stress this enough. You have to take the time to get to know your children's friends and their parents. I have wonderful communication with my children's friends and their parents. It's very important because if your child is hanging out with the wrong group you would know this through how they respond to you when you communicate with them. You will see the way they are being raised through their parents and the type of behaviors they have. This helps you be prepared for when things happen you know who you are dealing with. This also shows their friends you are involved in their lives and that they should help keep their friend out of trouble because of this. It also allows you to go to their parents and notify them of any negative behaviors.
Create a Buddy Group. If you have a child that is being bullied, either at the bus stop or walking home from school or even at school, you need to have your child have a buddy or two who will walk with them to and from school. If you are available to watch them from a distance then do it. But sometimes when your child is walking with a good group of friends, chances are they will be less than likely to be bullied.

This topic is very tough to discuss. There will be more to come in part two. For now, please leave any more suggestions or ideas or even thoughts about being a bully.

Children and Education

2011-12-04T12:33:00.003-08:00

Raising children is never easy. I have always found myself in situations wondering what I should do or when am I going to teach them certain things. I've been very blessed to have my two children; they have made me proud and much more appreciative of things. My children have taught me to be patient, loving, caring, and gentle and more understanding. They teach me as much as I teach them. Children have such a wonderful imagination. They say silly things and do funny acts. When we raise our children to be moral and caring they are on the right way to be a wonderful adult and excellent future parents.

We need to teach our children every day, we should never lose out on an opportunity to tell them something new or show them something new. Even at age 18 we should continue to show them and guide them to make the right decisions in life so that they don't end up being in trouble all the time.

I can't stress enough that the values of family should always be carried on from generation to generation. When they grow up they should be proud to be parents, they should appreciate all the things we have done for them and be able to teach their own children good from right, ethical from unethical, happy from sadness. This doesn't mean however that we should be overly protective; they need to learn how to learn from their own mistakes, know that life isn't perfect.

They need to think for themselves and to be able to make the right choices without always having to go to mommy and daddy for everything. They also need to understand the consequences of their own actions and we must enforce discipline when they knowingly did something wrong and felt no remorse for their actions. If the parents are not able to enforce discipline then who will? You don't want to see your kids in the principals office all the time or be known as the trouble maker at school. You want them to succeed and its better that as parents we show them a better alternative to their life making decisions before it’s too late.

It’s never easy to teach them while they are away from home while at school. They might feel the need to cause trouble at school or choose the wrong group of friends. Having a good group of friends makes a huge difference to who they will be or how they will behave at school. That doesn't mean that what happens at school stays at school. We need to have good communication with the teachers as well their friends parents. The teachers also need to be open to talking and listen to you as well. If you have a teacher who doesn't care what your child will become then you need to switch classrooms. We need to trust our educators to be willing to help us teach our children when we are at work, to set the rules and enforce them and to assist the children who have learning difficulties.

However, we as parents must not leave all the teaching to the schools. You must create a learning environment at home, even if it’s for ten minutes a day. Really, how important is that television shows that you must ignore your children's needs or how important is that game you are playing that your children have to come second? Step up and be a parent, why else did you have children? Raise them, teach them, love them and appreciate them. They are carrying your name and you should be proud of your own genes. Take another look at your children; are they on the right track to becoming a responsible and mature adult?

Date Night With Your Spouse

2011-12-03T12:22:00.001-08:00

Spending time alone with your spouse is very important to increase the bond between the two of you. Taking that alone time with no kids, no friends, no family is a way for the two of you to share your affection for each other. Sometimes we might not have the money to spend or the time allotted. Let's face it, we are all busy and have bills to pay. Taking simple dates can increase your bond and affection for each other therefore increasing your love for one another.

On date nights, you should always try to refrain from criticizing each other. Instead use this time to appreciate your spouse and tell them the good things they have done and how much you appreciate them. Here are some dates that might work for the both of you, whether its during the day or night.

1. Have a picnic. There's nothing like spending quality time outdoors. Having a picnic at your local park, in your backyard, in the mountains or even in your own living room can create a romantic mood that is very simple and affordable. Some suggestions for food can include both your favorite foods and drinks. Make it simple, make it memorable.

2. Karaoke. Who wouldn't love to see their spouse get up and try to sing in front of others? Its fun and scary at the same time and its something that the two of you can laugh about when you get home. Karaoke can be very memorable and quite embarrassing if you can't sing but that is the point, get out and sing even if you can't carry a tune.

3. Eat In. You can cook the food yourself, order in a pizza or do carry-out. Creating a romantic mood in your own living environment can help the both of you just relax at home while spending time with each other. This will be a good time to turn off the TV and talk over dinner. Having the TV on can cause the both of you to not communicate and rather just eat and watch TV without actually bonding. You can have a movie night another time, but use this time to really talk and tell each other what you like most about each other.

4. Eat Out. Sometimes getting away from the house is a way to get away from it all. Eating out allows the both of you to enjoy food and each other. I always love sitting next to my husband rather than sitting across. This allows you to whisper sweet things into each other's ears and allows him to put his arms around you and cuddle with you or hold each other's hand. Sitting across will create conversations and you can see each other but sitting next to each other creates a warm, cuddly feeling between the two of you.

5. Miniature Golf. There's nothing like getting competitive with each other, but keep it clean and fun. This is not the time to create tensions but rather create a competitive loving side. Have fun with the miniature golf, create fun ways to hit the ball in the hole. Hit the ball blind-folded, backwards, with the opposite hand, etc. Get creative and have some laughs.

6. Fashion Show and Dancing. Yeah that's right, have a fashion show in your own bedroom. Put on some music and strut your stuff. Each of you take turns with different outfits and pick a favorite. When you go out dancing you can feel good knowing that the outfit you are wearing is the one your spouse wants you to wear and you should feel good wearing it. There's nothing like impressing your own spouse with the clothes he/she loves seeing on you.

7. Ice Cream. Go out and enjoy ice cream with each other. This time try a different flavor, be brave. Better yet, have your spouse pick the flavor for you or share one together.

8. Hiking. Getting out and enjoying nature together can be so peaceful and can help the both of you clear your minds and get in a mood of relaxation. Taking a hike in the mountains is a way to get away from city life and really enjoy and appreciate life in all forms and its free.

9. Take a Stroll Downtown. You may never know what you might find downtown. Usually downtown is a place where there is music, food, entertainment and lots of places to explore. Try out a new restaurant, shop around, and enjoy the music.

10. Museums and Zoo. You are never too old to learn something new, why not do it together. This will allow you to actually enjoy the exhibits and learn about the exhibits without your kids running around and rushing you. Learning something new together can help you both set an example for your kids in the long run.

What have you done on date night with your spouse that is affordable and fun?

Marriage

2011-12-02T19:28:00.002-08:00

Marriage is not easy and it takes a lot of work and dedication to the one you love. Its a true commitment you make with another person. Being husband and wife is a great blessing and shouldn't be taken lightly. Some people search and search for the one person they want to spend the rest of their lives with, some don't ever find that person. I might not be a marriage counselor but I do try my best as a wife to keep my marriage going strong and I might not be the best of wives but I do what I can.

As husband and wife you should be able to love and cherish each other, even through mistakes. When your marriage is at a standstill or getting boring you should think of creative ways to spice up the marriage. Here are some suggestions that might help keep the love going in the marriage:

1. Write a love letter. Remember the time when you two started dating and most likely you would write love letters to your spouse? Has those love letters stopped? If so, start them up again. Who wouldn't like finding a love letter from their spouse? I always hide love letters in my husband's work bag, lunch box, or in his car or wallet. He loves the surprise and its a way for me to get to get my thoughts in writing so that he can always go back and look at it.
2. Send flowers. I love flowers but I don't get them often, which makes them even more special to me. Every woman loves getting flowers and guess what, so do some men. Send the flowers even if its not their birthday or your anniversary, send them just because. It might help your spouse get through a very rough day.
3. Bake a cake together...or any dessert for that matter. It might sound silly but cooking together and making something sweet might sweeten the mood in the house. Try it and have fun when making the cake or the dessert of your choice.
4. Change your look. Honestly, I love it when my husband dresses in his Nigerian traditional clothing. It brings out a different personality and he becomes so much fun. He turns on his Nigerian music and starts dancing. It really does bring a smile to me and I enjoy it. When your spouse changes their look they are probably trying to impress you, take notice and compliment.
5. Try something new. If you haven't been skiing, try it or maybe you always wanted to learn how to square dance, go for it! Trying something new doesn't mean changing who you are it means trying out new hobbies, new food, or new color of hair if you please. Taking risks together on trying new things can lead to stories that you can tell your kids and something you can look back on and laugh about.
6. Travel. Get out and go some place new. Sometimes relationships need a different environment. This eases the tensions and gets you to look at marriages in different communities. It also gets you away from your local stressful life.

What are your suggestions or advice to help keep your marriage alive??