Life's But A Walking Shadows

the vacation and the aftermath

2022-12-26T00:36:00.001+08:00

First of all, its been years since i feel like writing anything.

So, last 3 weeks i was in Switzerland...the place of my dreams and tha last 4 days was in Venice & Milano Italy.

The views, the scenery was everything i could ever wish for..the snows, the crystal rains.

But tour guides and the company, kinda spoils everything.

I was constantly feeling livid and angry to our guides, uncomfortable and annoyed to some toxic people in the group and to top it off, being invalidated,shut off and not supported by my own mom on the things that im feeling and going through just cause she wants to make sure she looks good in her friends company and her friends wont talk shits about me coz of me being so open and honest about how i feel.

I cant run away, i was stucked with them the whole 2 weeks and at some point, my mom kinda resented when i got sick with my nonstop cough..but i was still going around with her and her group and being the proper tour guide to our shitty guides.

Im gonna update this as it is..but for now,ill stop here

untitled 2020

2020-09-24T23:39:00.000+08:00

It's hard when your brain

tires you out

Feeding you different lines of thoughts

Fighting between holding on and letting go

Between hopeful and broken

Telling you that its gonna be okay

And telling you that you look pathetic

Whispering to you to keep on pouring your heart out

Then telling you that its just in your head

That you will keep on losing and breaking

Feeding you hopeful thoughts

Then making you anxious saying you're not even good enough

Telling you that different doesnt mean a thing

But then telling you again, that it wont work for him

Telling to just keep wearing your heart on your sleeves

Then telling you that it will only make you look desperate

I dont want to be pathetic

I dont want to be desperate

I just want to be true and not regret anything

Even if it goes down to nothing

It's tiring till my heart grows heavy

And being ignored and unanswered

Makes the dark side seems like telling the truth

So should i give up

Should i give in

On this love?

-naraj2020-

Run

2020-09-09T21:47:00.001+08:00

I tried to run from you

I tried not to be near you

I tried my best not to look at you

To ignore you, i do

But we end up in the same space

At the same positions

And i know you dont like it

I know it bothers you

Sorry that the universe keeps throwing us in the same place

Sorry that we end up together but far apart

Sorry if my existence making you feel forced

And be someone you dont want to be

So, I'm sorry

I did try to run

But i keep ending up back to you

-naraj2020-

rest in peace

2020-07-27T23:22:00.001+08:00

Rest well dear heart

Maybe you will never find another soul

That would accept you

That would understand you

But you still have you

Grow well dear heart

Cause you will bloom

Even in the darkest weather

Even in the darkest hour

Like a lotus in the mud

Rest in peace dear heart

Cause one day

You will be the love that you need

You will see how beautiful the footprint that you leave behind in others heart

It may not be today

It may not be tomorrow

But you will be there soon

So rest in peace

Knowing that there will be light at the end of this tunnel

-naraj2020-

just a dream

2020-07-02T19:44:00.001+08:00

It was just a dream

But it felt so real

I was scared looking at myself from the outside

Seeing how i was unraveling

And becoming that hopeless fool

Who let the person she gave her heart to

Completely used her and letting her fall to pieces

She cant say no

Coz she loves him so

Just happy getting his attention

Even when his heart was not hers

Even when his mouth said 'i dont like you'

But still, she let him in

Letting him getting her confused

And she keep asking why?

Why give her the attention and love

When you dont even love her

She was trying to hold on to that last piece of hope

And that was just in my dreams

But it still broke me apart

Messing with my heart

Thinking that if it was real

If it was true

Will it be true?

Demons

2020-06-22T23:18:00.001+08:00

Everyone have their own demons

That inner voice that keeps telling you

That you are not good enough

That voice that keep making you doubt

Making you feel that everything is bleak

Making you feel alone with no one to turn to

Making you feel like you're out of breath

And suffocated when you try to keep it inside

And pretend that you are okay

Some people are good at hiding it

Some people become more kind and emphatic

Coz they try to make it easier for others

And ease their burdens

Some people become more cruel and heartless

Wanting them to feel the pain that they are feeling

Wanting others to suffer as they suffers too

Some people just keep getting drown into the abyss

Especially when they don't want people to know

I've been there...

Half of my life i was good at hiding it

And pouring it own on pen and papers

And burn it out so people wont find out

How dark my thoughts are

How i yearn for death more than i ever counted

Ever since i was young

How blood is fascinating to me whenever i cut myself

Just to feel the pain externally to silenced out the internal ones

How night skies is my favourite scenery

Wishing i could fly far far away from this mundane and bleak world

And those times, those pain turns me into who i am

And i dont want others to go thru the same

I've been feeling rueful of how i live my younger days

Trying so hard to be someone perfect

Just so everyone would love me

But now, i just want to be good and happy as i am

I just want to love myself more

And do whatever bring peace to my heart

And those demons inside me?

They are my friends now

To remind me, so i will keep my head down

To remind me not to put my nose up high

Forgetting the suffering other might be going through

Sometimes those demons gets too full of themselves

And engulfing me in the darkness

But my heart is always full of hope

I believed that is my strongest weapon, hope

And i always hope that no matter how dark it is

I can still see the silver lining that will pull me through

And that is why i always try

To be someone who can help others see

The silver lining in their own misery

Hoping that, by saving them

I can save myself too

And that i lived and loved with all that i have

And leaving them remembering me

As someone who is full of hope and kindness

And not the demons that's suffocating me inside

-naraj2020-

unsure

2020-06-14T17:01:00.001+08:00

Being an empath during these pandemic actually hurts. Alot.

At first, i don't really understand the overwhelming roller coaster of emotions that i have been having.

It was hard, cause i thought it was due to some incident that happen to my heart.

But i had make peace with my heart and mind on that topic, though sometimes i do feel like not giving up but i dont want to push something that was not welcome.

Then i realized, everyone around me was affected emotionally due to this pandemic.

The insecurities, the anxieties they have, everything was being absorb by me and taking a toll in my heart and making me confused. I was down with insomnia since the start of this lockdown, that is why i was concerned about others around me to make sure they have enough sleep while they can.

My insomnia leads to my anxiety attack, low immune system, and recently just recovered from a slight attack due to my immune system disorder. Still trying my best to make sure no other attack will come.

So at times, i just shut off the world. Ignore my phone or any news or post that could trigger the emotional rundown again. I ignore people msg and only replied them when i feel stable enough to help them go through whatever they are going through without riling up my own emotion. I even try not to make any emotion-related conversation with my housemate by ignoring her.

I would turn to books, or arts stuff and just listen to soothing songs.

I can't stand the quietness, as it makes the voices in my head louder. I can't turn to nature like i would usually do.

As hard it is for me, i guess it feels harder for others, coz i can feel that and as usual i feel the need to fix that.

But i can't.

So for now, all i can do is shut off my emotion from the world and try to stay oblivious enough to make sure my empath doesnt consume me as it almost did.

And i'm sorry for the people that try to reach out to me for help and also asking about me and my condition.

Sometimes i lied, coz i just dont want to dwell in it too much at these times. Its easier for me to write it down than to talk about it.

And i hope everyone is coping much better than i am.

Coz even i am unsure if my coping mechanism will actually works or not, but it does helps in slowly fixing my sleeping pattern, eventhough i still cant get enough proper sleep.

But for now, 'ignorance is bliss', gave a whole new meaning for me.

-naraj2020-

i was here

2020-06-11T17:23:00.001+08:00

I want to leave my footprints on the sand of time
Know there was something that I left behind
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget

I wanna say I lived each day until I died
You know that I been something in somebody's life
The hearts I have touched
Will be the proof that I leave
That I made a difference
And this world will see

I was here, I lived, I loved

I was here
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know

I was here

I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone some happiness
Left this world a little better just because

I was here

this love

2020-06-04T17:34:00.001+08:00

Clear blue water
High tide, came and brought you in
And I could go on and on, on and on
And I will, skies grow darker, currents swept you out again
And you were just gone and gone, gone and gone
In silent screams, and wildest dreams
I never dreamed of this

This love is good
This love is bad
This love is a life back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free

Tossing, turning, struggle through the night for someone new
And I could go on and on, on and on
Lanterns burning, flickered in the mind only you
But you were still gone, gone, gone
Been losing grip, on sinking ships
You showed up, just in time

This love is good
This love is bad
This love is a life back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free

Thoughts

2020-04-20T14:42:00.001+08:00

He's the kind of character that i'd fall for

Unreachable but i still want to make him mine

Like those anime that i watched

Someone whose almost perfect

He's funny, witty and making people around him at ease

That child-like appearance

But inside, his mind is as deep as mine

His thoughts and action was beyond mature

His broken heart was still cracked

Making my heart hurts

Hoping that he would be able to move on

Opening his beautiful heart again for something true

I don't want to wait around getting ignored

And to see that moment comes for him

Coz i know that will be hard for me

Breaking my almost nonexistence heart again

-naraj2020-

the perfect imperfection

2020-04-16T02:04:00.001+08:00

I was ready

I was always ready

To settle down

To find the one

People around me knows

That i'm a perfect wife material

I can cooked different types of food

I am good at taking care of children

I am excellent with the elders

I can be neat and clean

I do house chores all the time

They said it was enough

And i was perfect coz i was pretty too

Coz they only see the side of me that i choose to show

But despite all that

Preparing myself since i was young for someone special

Trying to be the perfect daughter and perfect sister

My time was spent for others

To make them happy even when i'm not

To fulfilled their every request no matter how drained i am

I forgot to learn how to love myself

I forgot on how to make myself happy

I forgot that, i am more important than anyone else

And i learned that lesson the hard way

I learned self love very late in life

I was drowning in my depression

Barely keeping my head above the water

Where i prayed to God to keep me sane

When i realized i need to be selfish for once

Selfish enough for my own soul to recover

Selfish enough for me to feel loved by myself

For me to spend more time just for me

And learn to be okay with imperfection

Because, i am just human after all

And human learns from mistakes

I am showing a good example just by revealing my weakest state

To show them that, no matter how dark it seems

You can always get back up

Coz there is always a silver lining at the end of the tunnel

As long as you learn how to love yourself

And know how to save yourself

And to know that, the special one,

should be yourself not someone else

-naraj2020-

i lived

2020-04-16T01:35:00.001+08:00

I've been suicidal when i was a kid

Wearing long sleeves hiding my scars

Writing down my morbid thoughts

And no one ever knows

My hopeless romantic side of me

Kinda save my life

Coz i keep believing that someday

Somehow, i will be happy

And i keep on living

Thinking that if its not happy, then its not the end

Never accepted anyone in my younger days

Coz i know no one is real at that age

Everyone just want to play around

And i dont want something that wont last

Until i was in my uni

When everyone keep saying that i was too choosy

That i will end up alone if i keep on going

So i tried... I tried real hard

Loving those that came for me

Trying to accept them as they were

To make sure that i love without regrets

But i end up in pieces at the end of the day

Now i've learned that i deserved better

And i am happy being alone

No matter what people say

Coz i wear my heart on my sleeves

And people take that for granted

All the time

I was once at the verge on knocking on death door

That two weeks of struggling

To be alive, to be well

Stucked in a hospital,

being drained out of blood every single day

Getting high on morphine for the pain

In and out of conciousness

With strangers around you

I keep thinking of two things only

To keep living and fight to live the way i am

Or to just succumb to it and end up all the pain for good

I choose to live

So many things i still want to do

So many things i still want to experience

Even the childish things they said that i'm into

As long it makes my heart sing of happiness

And i can say that i lived

I take chances, so i wont have regrets

I make impromptu plans without any backup plans

I just go wherever the path takes me to

I did fall down and get weakened by the hardship

But the universe has its own way of reminding me

Of the beauty that still exist out there, the hope

To remind me that, i lived

Some may say i'm reckless

But i did it because i dont want to missed out on something amazing

I dont want to end up thinking the what if of that decision

I might find something beautiful along the way

Or i might stuck on something bad

But at least i can tell myself, i tried

And i lived

Hope, is my strongest weapon in me

Hope for something beautiful

Hope for love

Hope for happiness

Hope for an ever after

-naraj2020-

Have you?

2020-04-14T00:14:00.001+08:00

Have you ever fallen for someone

So bad, even when you are not in a compatible age?

Fallen for someone who finally

Making your soul feels alive

And your innerchild screaming of joy?

Someone who would understand that childish part of yours

Coz he was into those things that others think as wasting time?

Have you ever got rejected by someone

Who you finally think would be your match

And you end up losing sleep trying to get over it

But instead keep on getting nightmares on how good it would be between both of you

And end up waking with more broken heart

So you prefer staying awake as late as you can, so you wont get any dreams at all?

Have you ever fall and gets rejected

And you feel how that person try to distance themselves from you

But you didnt feel angry at all only sad?

Coz you understand how it may look from his point of view

And you can't blame him for it?

And you still wish the best for him because you see his potential

And you got jealous for a nonexisting future girl of his for having him in her life?

Because you know how good he will be, how loyal he will be and care for her with all his heart?

Have you ever wish that,

a 10 years younger man to really want to be with you

Despite your age gap

And save you for all the heartache

Coz he is finally the one who clicks to your soul

And checked all the high standard boxes that you created after the last one destroyed you?

Thinking that no real human would be able to really checked those boxes but he did?

I have...

And it hurts...

So bad...

-naraj2020-

The Last

2020-04-11T16:02:00.001+08:00

The first was that highschool crush

That lasted for 7 years

Keeping it hidden inside

Until my uni year

Rejecting everyone that tried to be close

Until i heard that he finally settled down with a girl

The perfect gentleman i've known back then

The second was that chemistry guy

During my pre-med time

The first guy who make my heart whispered "he's the one"

But he threw me aside

When his first crush that rejected him before, came back

Coz she want him not to move on from her

Laughing with her friends when she sees me crumble

On the day he chosed her over me

A year after, she dump him when i was not around anymore

And he came back again and again regretting everything

And apologizing to me

Saying he felt that i was the one for him

But he was scared to proceed because of our difference in religion

The third was that science student

Who helped me get my revenge on my unfaithful ex

Who become my knight on that eventful night

Who backed away when i continued my degree and he got a job after diploma

Thinking that he dont deserves me due to his inferiority complex

The one that gave me hope and crushed it down within a week time

The last...

He might be the last

Was a young man...

The first i ever confessed to

Too young that i never thought it could be possible for me and for him

A soul as restless as mine

A mind that is so much more creative than mine

A gentleman that is wiser beyond his age

A manner that i rarely see anymore these days

A heart that is still tender and pure

Someone that gives the meaning of lilacs

A blossoming first love

Someone that makes my heart beats again

Waking up the hopeless romantic side of me again

Making me believe that true love might exist

And erasing all the hurt and betrayal i've experienced before

Before my vision of love was corrupted

But it was not meant to be

As he haven't move on from his hurt

And he was not ready

and maybe think its impossible due to our age gap

I would think myself crazy too if i was in his shoes back then

The last that makes me learn more

About this feelings that came uninvited

Allowing myself to learn that i am not as strong as i think i am

To know that my heart was still as fragile as ever

Still feeding on hopeless hope for it to live

To learn that maybe being jaded was the best

To learn that maybe i was meant to be alone

Instead of letting my own heart feels like its dying and suffocating

And letting my brain keep overthinking of all the different outcome and consequences

Of what might be

So let him be the last

Before i throw away this key for good

So my heart won't be broken anymore

I can finally be free without any hopeless hope to hold on to

-naraj2020-

turn it off

2020-04-10T22:54:00.001+08:00

The blooming heart is dying

And the poems runs out dried

I'm not ready to let go

Cause then i'd never know

What i could be missing

But i'm missing way too much

So when do i give up

What i've been wishing for?

Its easier if there is a switch

To turn it off

To put out the misery for good

-naraj2020-

Me

2020-04-05T13:37:00.001+08:00

I got these feelings on my own

So i will try to get rid of it by my own

I will not put the blame on anyone

Coz its my own heart thats at fault

This fragile heart of mine

Was not meant to be exposed

Coz no one would understand

No one ever will

I'm sorry

2020-04-01T09:59:00.001+08:00

I'm sorry for being this way

For not acting like my age

Sorry for coming up to you

And tell you what's in my heart

I'm sorry for making you uneasy

For messing up with your head

I'm sorry if this came as a shock to you

It was never meant to be that way

I'm sorry for losing my cool that one time

Finding it hard to let it go

But this is my promise to you

I am moving on and letting you go

Lets become close for something that we love

Friends with adventures and similar enthusiasm

Let me watch you grow

Into something great that i know you will

So i can be rest assured

That someone like you does exist somewhere in this world

-naraj2020-

Dear Heart

2020-04-01T00:49:00.001+08:00

Dear heart
Are you ever coming back to me
Did you ever notice how I need you now
To experience the things I see

Dear heart
I know you're hiding out somewhere
I'm feeling numb without someone
To tell me that I'm still enough

Show me which way to go
Tell me it gets easier
I'm scared I'll lose control
Can we go back to the way we were
Oh, dear heart

Hey friend
I know you're feeling incomplete
I wish I knew just what you need
Cause when you're hurting I can feel how deep

Hey friend
I promise I won't fix you up
You're beautiful with all your scars and cuts
And I hope that someday someone sees how much

Show me which way to go
Tell me it gets easier
I'm scared I'll lose control
Can we go back to the way we were
Oh, dear heart

Don't give, don't give up on me
I'm still, I'm still pulling myself together
I need, I need time to breathe

Don't give up on me

Show me which way to go
Tell me it gets easier

I'm scared I'll lose control
Can we go back to the way we were
Oh, dear heart

All the years have made you bittersweet
And you're not as quick to trust what looks like love
Cause the last time they left both of us

-Meg & Dia-

Addicted

2020-03-29T16:46:00.000+08:00

You are like a drug to me

I just can't seem to stop myself

Your non pretentious way

Your knowledge and skills

A refreshing breath of air

To someone broken like me

I decided to let this go

To stop myself from running up to you

But i find its hard to do

When you gave me that feeling

The kind of feeling how a first love supposed to feel

The kind of feeling that i have never felt before

The rush of excitement and happiness

Whenever i saw your name on my screen

Makes me feel like a stupid little girl again

The innocent times that seems lost in time

It scares me sometimes

For feeling this way

Making it hard for me to let go

Of something that have not even begin

But something about you

Its just so irresistable for me

And i dont even know what it is

But it makes me feel happy

And i'm scared to lose it

-naraj2020-

How can i?

2020-03-29T00:59:00.001+08:00

How am i supposed to get over you

When you're looking at me like that

The different look than how you used to look at me

The look that make it seems to be full of love

Thats trying to embrace me (i know its only in my head)

How am i supposed to forget you

When you keep showing me all your cool sides

The tinkering, the music, the art

How you were so multitalent

That swept me off my feet (its hard for me to get back up again)

How am i supposed to move on

When you make me feel shy

But safe and content

Just being by your side (i know i act indifferently)

How am i supposed to stop this feeling

When you treat me with gentle

Being so careful and making me laugh

Just to ease the possible pain

Making my heart grows fonder for you (i just keep on falling more)

How can i stop thinking about you

When all my mind ever think of is you

Wondering how are you

Dying to talk and get in touch with you (stopping myself everytime when i feel like to)

Tell me, how can i?

Because i dont know how

-naraj2020-

Keeping Cool

2020-03-28T18:28:00.000+08:00

I'm good.

Thats what i keep telling myself

I'm cool.

Thats what i keep telling people around me

I'm okay.

Thats what i keep saying to him

It was expected.

I keep trying to make myself believe

It wasnt that deep

To keep me stuck in the labyrinth

Its a good ending

Of an almost beginning

I try to keep it cool

Smilling and joking

Trying to make you feel at ease

Trying to make it less burden to you

Trying to make it seem like

i'm a better and wise person

Like someone who is more mature than you

Trying to show that it doesnt affect me much

Trying to show you my cool side

Trying to remember the good feeling

Trying to memorized the beautiful day

Where you make me feel the giddiness of a young girl in love

That innocent feeling that i always wished for

Of not trying to be anything but my weird self

Enjoying the childish things that we both love

Without any judgement

I'm trying to ignore

That it was the ending

Trying to ignore that nothing is going to be

And just keep enjoying your presence next to me

Not knowing if i'm able to move on

Not knowing if i'm able to find another like you

A beautiful mind with a beautiful heart

Not realizing how precious you are

For someone with a hopeless romantic heart like me

But you are what I ever wanted if i had a choice before

You are that almost perfect someone

Someone who screams true love in everything you do

Before my view of love was distorted

But it was too late

When we cant even begin

-naraj2020-

The first and the last

2020-03-28T15:21:00.001+08:00

This was the first time for me

To pursue someone instead of being pursued

The first time for me

To daringly saying it out loud

The first time for me

To ever feel that way again

The first time for me

To be rejected

At this age

Where i feel like nothing matters anymore

To feel something again

Was a beautiful serendipity

But maybe to be able to experience it

Only will happen in another life

But i was glad

To know such a gentleman as you

The way you handle it

Was beyond anything i'd ever imagine

This might be the last for me

To fall for such a beautiful mind

To encounter something as beautiful as this

But i am glad

To see through it

Maybe this is the last time

For me to feel like this

Maybe this will be the last time

I do something as silly as this

Maybe this is the last time

For once in this life time

-naraj2020-

This time

2020-03-26T19:51:00.001+08:00

My heart was beating again

Falling again

But this time, it was different

This time,

I dont wish for a happy ending

This time,

I dont wish for a forever after

This time,

I only want something simple

This time,

I only wish for that simple happiness

This time,

I just want to walk it through the day

This time,

I dont want to think or plan about the future

This time,

I just wish to grow together with him

Learn along with him

Show him that some love is worth it

Show him that anything is possible

Show him that age is just a number

This time,

I wont be selfish and just let him be free

This time,

I dont mind being left behind

-naraj2020-

Fall

2020-03-21T00:17:00.001+08:00

Your smile as brightful as the sun

Younger for a decade but you make me feel small

Your mature ways and gentle words

The vision of you always makes me feel happier

Your patience in teaching me

Your 'it's okay, just go slowly'

Your cool side everytime you swing your blade

Your tall figure and athletic body

Something is changing in my heart

From the day that I hit you hard

Unsure of myself and the way you feel

But i know that, this feeling is something that i missed alot

And you brought it out from me

After 3 years of putting up a thick hard wall

And losing faith in this thing call love

I just want to say thank you

For opening my dear heart

Even if we will never be anything other

But i know that its capable of beating again

After i found you

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you're mine, all the damn time
Cause I like you

-naraj2020-

Dear Aaron

2019-09-26T12:51:00.001+08:00

Dear Aaron,
You were my dreams come true
Tall with that handsome japanese face
You soft spoken words and that cute little shy smile
You played guitar in the band
You got the brain and the looks
When you taught me on my chemistry

Our heart clicked on the first encounter
My mind was telling me that you are the one
And you told me years later that you felt the same too
The way you shyly hold my hands when i was sleeping in the bus
The way you treat me like i was special
The way you keep telling me that i am the perfect one for you

But then you go and broke my heart
Saying that you wanted more but you couldn't
Saying that our difference in religion is getting in the way
Saying that you want us to be just like this
I can't seem to move on to be just this
I want it all or nothing at all

You keep comparing other girls to me
Just to find that no one is nearly as perfect as i am to you
You keep saying that we would be an awesome match
I keep finding ways to destroy my perfect image in you
I keep finding ways to make you hate me enough not to find me again
Because i would be helpless everytime you came knocking back again

Because you were the first one that my heart have whispered to me
When i look at you for the first time
On our english camp
'he's the one. This is him'
And i never look away even when you keep breaking my heart into pieces

One day, i hope soon
I'll have another whisper in my heart telling me that i finally find the one
That someone will treat me like you always did
Like i was special
Like i was the best out there
Like no one can be compared to me
And that day, i hope your name will finally be erased forever like the rest did

But now, your name sometimes appear in the middle of my thoughts
Thinking of your tall skinny body that looks good next to me
That pretty japanese looks of yours
And how softly you would call my name
Sometimes i used to think about us
If we could have more than this
If i haven't make you hate me like this
If you were mine

But now,
All i think about is, if there will be another this
Another whisper
Another tall handsome face that would love me for me
Like you used to