life's Journey with a smile♥

Blogging

2012-02-24T09:40:00.000-06:00

The truth is, lately I'll sit in front of my computer and open a new post window and stare at it. I'll start typing and decide it's non sense and close the window. I've got so many one-lined posts in my draft side that it's kind of ridiculous.

I used to have to force myself to wait until tomorrow for the next post... I'm not sure if I just had a lot to talk about or if I was just talking about boring stuff.

So now I sit here and struggle to come up with interesting stuff to talk about... which is kind of funny because in many ways I feel like my life is the most interesting it has ever been!

I've never been this happy in my adulthood. That's a pretty bold statement, but it's totally true.

I have the most fulfilling career that I could ask for, one that is too good to be true. I just roll with it for fear that I might wake up one day and I'll realize I was dreaming. I didn't think careers like this existing. I didn't think it could be this good. I've never been so happy to be wrong.

I've reached a point in my spirituality that can only be described as peace. I try not to talk about it too much on here, because well, I don't really like when people go all religious on their blogs (to each their own though!)...so I'd imagine that people feel the same way when it comes to talking about spirituality. I realize this is my blog and I can talk about what I want, but I just feel like when I open the post wanting to talk about this stuff, I feel like I shouldn't. So I'll leave it at that for now, and perhaps just dive into it in another post that's more for me than my readers.

I have started to really get to a point in my health and self-esteem where I feel healthy, live healthy and feel self-love again. I have areas I want to improve and the weight I still want to lose, but I am happy with where I'm at right now and happy to slowly get there on my own. I have made the decision to change this blog from what all it used to be into something I just seldom talk about. When it was about losing weight and beating the numbers every week I never had success. For me, I've found that what I care most about is being healthy. For choosing real food over processed low calorie food, for feeling strong and fit over losing inches. Naturally the number on the scale will drop and the clothes will fit better (because that's what is happening), but I just try not to care any more about the race to the goal weight. That isn't healthy for me. This route makes me less stressed and more happy.

I'm at a point in my singlehood and independence that I'm happy with. I am actually at the point where I'm a bit nervous about meeting someone before the summer, because I want to be single in Europe and maybe have another single summer. I'm not closing the big door to meeting someone, but there is definitely a screen door there. Unless I see a really great, perfect, the one kind of guy on the other side of the screen, nobody is coming through. I just love being with myself too much to give that up for someone less than perfect for me. I love how far I've come on my own and can only imagine where I can go with another 2...3...6 months alone.

I feel like there was a time in my life when I started this blog when I needed a crutch and a place to just sort everything out... to let my fingers take me away and figure out what was actually going on in my head. I wasn't happy even though I tried to convince myself I was. I cried all the time. I was unhealthy. I had no idea what the heck I wanted since what I wanted wasn't translating into the reality I always hoped for.

So now that my life kind of seems to be unfolding in ways I didn't imagine, and ways that I couldn't of imagined because really... I didn't think this kind of happiness and fulfilment was possible. I was so consumed with another path that wasn't really right for me (at the time). Now that I've found this personal journey in my life I don't necessarily need to be here as much as I used to, even though I want to be! I want to find different ways of blogging and getting it out there. I want to still have this place on the interwebs where I can go back and see my growth.

So I guess I'm at this transition period still (even though I think we're always growing and changing)...but I just think that's why I've disappeared so much. I mean, half the time it's because I'm travelling (like next week) but when I'm here I'm still struggling to write.

I think I need a fresh start with my blog, perhaps a new design and name...?

Family Day Weekend

2012-02-21T17:04:00.001-06:00

Here in Canada (well a select lucky amount of provinces) yesterday was Family Day. It's a fairly new holiday but something our Prime Minister has definitely done right. I just love the idea of dedicating a day to your family. In recent years it's really starting to catch on and stores and restaurants are closing their doors and your town becomes a ghost town while families spend some quality time together.

I didn't originally intend on making the trip home this weekend, but last week my grandmother was in the hospital (nothing serious) and my aunt decided to come to town, and I decided last minute that I would head home too.

On Friday night my one cousin was in Ottawa so him and my other cousin went out on the town and stayed out way too late. It was a super fun night and greatly needed!

cousins

On Saturday morning way too early I headed home and spent the day with family and that evening stopped in to see some friends, and during the day on Sunday my aunt, other cousin and I headed out on the lake with my dad to do some ice fishing and snowmobiling! It was so much fun... my record stands that I still have yet to catch a fish in my life! Later we went out for lunch with my grandma and then we all ate dinner together.

my daddio and I

On Family Day we went to my other aunt's for breakfast, then I had a glorious nap followed by dinner out with my momma and other aunt (the one I went to's house for breakfast) and cousin.

It was an all around amazing weekend that all happened very last minute!

How was your weekend?

List as of Late

2012-02-14T16:20:00.000-06:00

I haven't done one of my listy posts in foreva-eva (I'm sorry Ms. Jackson oooo). So I figured it would be a good idea today to sort through the bajillion things floating around in my brain.

♥ Europe has taken over a very large percentage of my thoughts. I'm going in late May/early June to visit the bff doing an exchange in Amsterdam and cannot wait. Today we decided that we're going to definitely do France and Poland and probably Germany too. My brain is just going crazy with all the planning and excitement over this once and lifetime trip.

♥ Part of me wants to stay single until this trip is completed, and am slightly afraid of meeting someone before then. Yes I could not date, but where's the fun in that? I'm talking to three potentials right now (in various stages of pre-date talking).

♥ I paid back the CRA today (our version of the IRS). It was a really painful payment (ahem $2700) but also just took away a ton of stress that has been clouding my thoughts.

♥ The only reason I had enough to pay for this today was because I have recently switched over to salary with my job, and while I was hourly I was 2 weeks behind in pay (submit, get paid two weeks later), with salary you get paid every two weeks up to date, so essentially I just got paid for 4 weeks today. Take that CRA (please give me a RETURN this year, then I'll love you).

♥ I am on a cleaning SPREE. Last night I spent like 2 hours cleaning my pantry/laundry room and tonight I hope to accomplish more.

♥ I really need to get back to the gym but I'm stuck in a laziness I am struggling to get out of...somebody help me!

♥ Vada has bad dandruff, this has never been a problem before... any suggestions?

♥ I am really starting to get annoyed with this duck face (bang) business. Doesn't everyone know that it's called a Zoolander face? And doesn't everyone know we're doing it cause it's funny? No? That's not why they're making the face? That's why I'm making the face?

♥ I'm pretty sure I'm finally getting an iPad with work. Weeeeeeee

♥ I am buying a new snowboard in a couple of weeks before hitting the slopes in Banff. Man, life is good right now!

♥ Travel in general is taking another large percentage of my thoughts. I figured out today that I would have enough airmiles to go to Thailand (thigh-land bahaha) in about 13-14 months. Ummm yes please?

♥ I still need to unpack from two trips ago.

What's on your brain lately?

My Valentine

2012-02-13T10:31:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure how I feel about Valentine's Day. As a teenager I associated Valentine's Day as the loneliest day of the year just blatantly pointing out the fact that I was single for yet another V-day. Every year the date came a bit closer and I had no prospects for flowers and dates like everyone else. It sucked as a teenager. As much as we like to think back what it'd be like to go back to our teen years and have a fun carefree time again with little to no responsibility, we often forget about the crappy parts of being a teenager (I do at least).

So when I entered my last relationship and Valentine's Day came around I made it a big deal because it was my first one and it was a big deal to me. We always celebrated it and it was always a special day. We actually generally had better V-day's then anniversaries. Our anniversary tradition seemed to involve breaking up and getting back together either the day of or before. Good times.

However last Valentine's Day I was in an airport racing to get home for the last of my Valentine's Day while I just experienced the most wonderful first business trip. He told me to wake him up when I got home (long after midnight) and I came inside to a set of roses on the dresser and a sleeping boyfriend. It was a nice end to a trip.

The next day however... things started to fall apart. The 15th was our day to celebrate together. That afternoon I got a phone call from my cousin about Facebook relationships. Her boyfriend isn't a fan of publicly being in a relationship on Facebook and it's a thorn in her side (and had been the source of their V-day fight). I explained to her that my boyfriend wasn't a fan either of the public display but it really wasn't a choice for him since that's the way it had been for over four years. She kind of went silent and said, "But it doesn't say that on his profile".

After a bit of investigation (and a lot of confusion), I found out that he had made it so it didn't say any relationship information on his profile for everyone, except for me and my immediate family (he obviously forgot about my cousin). You can imagine my shock I'm sure. He had never been a secretive guy and the fact that he had been untagging photos of us together for months just made me feel horrible. You can imagine the fight. You can imagine the way he tried to turn it around to an invasion of his privacy for me looking on his Facebook while trying to understand why it said I was in a relationship with him on Facebook and not with anyone else. Good times.

So as Valentine's Day has approached this year, I just didn't really acknowledge it. Last year sucked and this year I was free. I haven't reached a point where I care or feel the need to be in a relationship yet. I am open to it, I actively seek dates, but I am not desperate by any means. I actually quite enjoy being single and kind of hope to still be single in May when I go to Europe. I just didn't really care at all to celebrate this "holiday".

When you're playing for the other team it's a great day, but when you're on the other side, it's almost like you have to feel sorry for yourself or something because it's some special holiday you can't be apart of.

It's a day that points out you're waking up alone and without flowers on your dresser.

I'm not really a fan of the fact that I should feel like I did in high school. Truth is I don't. Sure, it does make you feel a bit lonely and wish you had someone that cared about you... but it doesn't change how I feel about my singlehood.

I've loved being single. I want to go through my mid-life crisis with no regrets. I want to look back on my 20's and feel like I lived them up with that single chapter of my life...and as of right now I feel like it's still unfinished business. I still need to have my Eurotrip. I still need a few more months.

So this Valentine's Day, I'm not going to feel bad, because as far as I'm concerned...

This Valentine is just as good as a cute boy.

And I don't care how crazy or seemingly pathetic that makes me look... We love each other unconditionally and she's a pretty awesome cuddler :) And after yet another month apart, I'm so happy to have her back for two weeks!

Update Vlog about Upcoming Travels

2012-02-06T13:01:00.000-06:00

I'm off to New Mexico tomorrow morning, so I thought I'd leave you all with a vlog about my upcoming trips! I hope you all have a fabulous week! I'm back on Saturday!!

For someone so loud in real life I have no clue why the audio is so quiet! Hopefully you have better speakers than me!

Completely

2012-02-04T13:58:00.000-06:00

Everyone processes and copes and deals on their own time. My mom has been facilitating grief support groups for several years now and sometimes people come in many years after losing someone needing support for coping with the death of a loved one. Some people break up with someone and are just over it. They cry for 20 minutes and then never look back.

It's been over 10 months since my break-up. We had a respectable split, we decided together that we would never cut each other out of our lives... it just wasn't for us. His biggest fear was not having me in his life. I was too broken to even comprehend that I had things to fear...everything was scary.

Then he moved on quickly and 7 months to the day after our breakup I found out that they'd been dating for 6 months. His new girlfriend was the hardest part of it all. I never understood how he could have a girlfriend while I was still crying over us and doing everything I could not to talk to him every day.

Shortly after that I started travelling with work and had a moment when I realized that I had made the absolute best decision I could have ever made. I knew I deserved better than I had gotten and that eventually I would find it after healing and taking the time to grieve.

I had an amazing summer. I watched my career explode into something amazing and more than I ever could have imagined and he wasn't in my life any more, we never spoke.

We still had each other on Facebook and time and time again my friends would tell me to delete him (bloggy friends included). I just couldn't do it, I didn't see the point of it.

In the Fall I really started to get my health back in check. I made the commitment to myself and really started to understand why I was holding on to the weight. I made the decision that it was time to let go of it and that I was worth looking my best, and that protecting myself with weight wasn't doing anyone good, and was just hurting myself more than I needed to.

Somewhere in there we started talking again. It started out innocent enough. Over the summer and early Fall we'd occasionally have long catch-up talks that he always initiated. Somewhere in December it just started happening more and more frequently and we started texting a few times a week. We'd have these long really great talks and I felt really good about it. I saw my friends and family raising eyebrows of caution and I just told them that it was good for me, that seeing this horrible person I had manifested him to be to hate and move on from him wasn't good for me, and that talking to him as a friend was what I needed to get that negativity out of my life.

Then it started to get a little weird for me. I enjoyed talking to him and found myself messaging him first from time to time. I'm a chatty person by nature so often it was out of boredom. Then he started messaging me when he was drunk which became really confusing since I knew he was out with his girlfriend, and to me, messaging your ex-girlfriend when you're with your girlfriend just isn't right. There is something fishy there.

Then a couple weekends ago he drunk messaged me and invited me out. I was away (not that I would have gone anyway), but I really became concerned about what this friend situation actually meant. I have been over the relationship for awhile, but the way these messages were making me feel wasn't good. I knew that they had to stop, because the thoughts that were circulating in my head that he wasn't over me and that he obviously wasn't happy weren't good for me. The situation that was doing me good wasn't good anymore. I could feel myself regressing and knew that I wouldn't be able to truly move on until I cut him out of my life.

Yesterday I woke up feeling like it was time to stop talking to him. I felt kind of stupid about the whole thing because it's been so long, but I knew that these conversations were turning into a slippery slope for me (and probably him). I didn't want him back or anything, but I knew a lot of this had to do with his relationship with the new girl. I was still convinced it was a rebound and still incredibly hurt that he had never mourned me the way that I felt I deserved. When that happened I felt worthless. So waiting for the day when he realized that she was a rebound was something I was lusting after. I needed that validation. But I knew that it was manifesting on shit I didn't need to manifest on.

Whether he stays with her for a year, marries her or breaks up with her next week doesn't change a thing. It doesn't change the fact that I am damaged from this relationship and need to completely let go in order for me to fully move on with someone else. Dwelling never does anyone any good, ever.

So yesterday I woke up knowing that I would have to sever it completely. I care about him as a person and like him had that same fear of not being in each other's lives. I went out last night with my cousin and this is when what I am not entirely proud of what happened. I was the one messaging him when I was drunk.

I was the one telling him that I haven't been able to move on, and he told me that he had regrets about how he treated me. He also verged on inappropriate at times earlier in the conversation. I came home and cried. I had heard the things I needed to hear that he wasn't proud of how he had treated me, and even though he'd never admit it, he obviously is still manifesting over me and our relationship too.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty shameful about last night, and messaged him. I told him I re-read the conversation and that it wasn't good. How these conversations weren't healthy and that I felt like he was trying really hard to convince himself he was happy in his current relationship (to which he got really pissed about, obviously). I told him the way he's been messaging me wasn't good and that either he was just trying to make me feel bad or there was more to it. Either way, it had to stop and I couldn't talk to him anymore.

So that was that. We said good-bye, I told him I'd check-in around the holidays and after he passed his big test in December, but this was it. And I did it... I deleted him off my phone and Facebook.

It was a hard decision that only took you know, a short 10 months... but I feel relief. Not knowing what's going on in his life will help me in the next step of my life and finding someone else. Someone that is meant for me and good for me and isn't about topping the last guy. Someone that I just click with and can be happy with.

Everyone does everything on their own time, and today I feel like I finally closed the book. And it feels good.

The Ultimate Friday

2012-02-03T10:46:00.001-06:00

I have never been so happy for a Friday.

I haven't had a day off in 15 days.

Can I get a TGIF? Hells to the yes.

Have a fabulous weekend friends! I certainly will!!

Party time!

i love someecards... who doesn't?

Travelling Life

2012-02-02T18:52:00.001-06:00

Travelling... there is the good, the great, the bad and the ugly side of it all. Especially when a huge part of your job entails travel.

My life has changed so very much in the last year.

Almost a year ago I took my first business trip. I loved it, but little did I know that my life was about to change forever.

I'm averaging 1-2 trips per month... mostly to the same place, generally to the same province, and occasionally I get to go totally awesome places like New Mexico next week and Banff at the end of the month (still in Alberta).

The Great: exploring new places and getting a crazy travel bug.

The Good: Occasionally tying in personal adventures on trips to see family and friends.

The Bad: Never being home.

The Ugly: Packing. I hate packing.

Hotels

The Great: All the Aeroplan and Airmiles I'm getting for my own personal trips.

The Good: Amazing training opportunities and always getting to grow with my job.

The Bad: Always missing and being away from Vada.

The Ugly: Unpacking. Hate it more than packing.

Airplanes

The Great: Meeting tons of amazing people - lifetime friends.

The Good: Visiting a place that starts to feel like your other home.

The Bad: Eating out all the time. It is nice for awhile, but then you just want to cook your own food and shop for yourself not on a menu.

The Ugly: Living out of a suitcase half the time (less options, more wrinkles).

Driving... lots of driving!

The Great: Being respected at a job and being rewarded financially.

The Good: Getting really cool learning opportunities.

The Bad: Always being tired, never having enough time, and playing catch-up is the name of the game.

The Ugly: The inability to keep a solid routine.

All in all the good and great far outweigh the bad and ugly. I love my job and new life. The stuff that sucks has become my new normal and I just find my way to make a routine out of it, and eat well while I'm away as best I can and well, let's be honest, I mostly live out of a laundry basket (or my dryer) when I'm here anyway!

If you have any travel questions about my job, feel free to ask!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

2012-02-01T17:08:00.001-06:00

So it kind of fabulously works out that today is Wednesday, since Wednesday is Michelle's Oh, How Pinteresting.

Why might you ask why that is so fabulous, besides the obvious fact that I have an addiction to Pinterest? Welp, it's because a few weeks ago I entered about my gagillionth giveaway of my life for The Vintage Apple's 1000th follower and....actually won!

I was off to galavant across the country and Michelle and I have been emailing back and forth since her original prize doesn't really work for Canadian's... but since Michelle is so awesome, she went on a personal mission to get me a Canadian-friendly prize...and DID SHE EVER!!!

So before I show you some of my favourite pins... how about we just send some love to Michelle?

So in case you didn't notice, it's A LOT!

♥ four magazines

♥ nail polish

♥ nail files

♥ bandaids

♥ mints

♥ make-up bag

♥ lipgloss

♥ mug

♥ hair elastics

♥ headband

♥ Starbucks gift card

Amazing! Thanks again Michelle! Get on over there and give her some bloggy love!

Now on to some Pinteresting stuff...

Source: krisatomic.tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

Source: facebook.com via Amy on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Amy on Pinterest

Source: a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net via Amy on Pinterest

Source: fit-lean-and-fucking-sexy.tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

Back in Action

2012-01-30T17:13:00.001-06:00

Hi friends!!! Did you miss me?? I missed you!!

I've been off busy getting training with work, and guess what? I'm off again next week. But when you get to watch beautiful sunsets like these and spend time with the amazing people I get to spend time with... no complaints from me! However... next week? I'm off to New Mexico. Yup my friends, my job is rockin'.

I would love to update you all on all the craziness that is my life, but I'm so exhausted and still processing the last week of my life. I'm at that point in my journey with Body Talk (the training I just got with work) where I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to start sounding crazy on here, but it's just resulted in crazy and profound changes in my life, so that's about all I can say right about now.

As for the boy you all are (I'm sure) hanging by the edge of your seat to hear an update on... well I'm not sure about that either. I'm at that confusing point where I'm just not really sure what to do. We had four amazing dates, then the fifth one was just... okay, and by the end of it I just wanted to go home. So I've spent the last 10 days away with work mulling it over. I told him the other night about my confusion, and I'm not really sure where that leaves us. I'm no less confused...but the confusion to me isn't really a good sign. I shouldn't really be confused at all. I think I'm either a) not as ready as I thought I was, b) not feeling it or c) terrified. Option a isn't really true, and the fact that b and c are very different I don't know where to proceed. Not to mention, I almost got to see that boy from the summer yesterday, but wasn't able to get away from work as early as I thought I could...so that just adds to it.

So here I am, confused. Still sorting it out and relishing in the amazing trip I just had.

I wasn't ready

2012-01-14T10:11:00.002-06:00

We've talked about the Body Talk stuff...and I'm pretty sure a good portion of you raise your eyebrow to it in many ways because I realize the way it sounds. However, without going into details of my last visit at the beginning of the month. I just have to say things have shifted for me again.

The last time I went there feeling like I'd hit my 10 pound wall in weight loss. I was frustrated. Every time I hit 10 pounds, it's like I froze and couldn't overcome that hurdle. I couldn't lose that weight. I actually felt like there was a wall there.

So it's something we worked on... talked out. The idea of armour and protection came up again and about how I'm always feeling this need to protect myself from hurt again.

So after that session, and working it through... something shifted for me. I actually felt different. I also felt more ready than I had in a long time to really date. I wanted to before, but I suddenly felt like it was actually possible because I was okay with anything that would happen. I was at peace with where I was at.

Honestly I realize how this sounds. I really do.

But since that session a week and a half ago. I'm officially down 15 pounds, and I've met a boy.

A boy that I'm being cautious with for obvious reasons, but someone I already know I can feel safe with.

There aren't any games. There isn't complication. It's just easy.

It's obviously incredibly new, and we haven't even kissed yet (there is a story there)... but I just feel good about this one. It's healthy and simple, yet really exciting.

And then, stepping on the scale this morning and seeing -15 pounds and knowing I'm passed that hurdle and wall.

Well... life feels right.

I may not have been ready before... but I'm ready now.

Vlog Friday: The Best of 2011

2012-01-13T10:51:00.002-06:00

Oh I am such a failed blogger. I'm sorry... I try... and then, yah well nothing obviously.

Anyway, how about a fun vlog to end the week?

What were your favourite songs, movies and books of 2011?

My answers aren't necessarily 2011 specific, but just my actual favourites of 2011.

So yah, enough of this typing, here is the video!

Be sure to check out the other vlogs by visiting Cole's blog!

Links to the movie

Links to the books (1/2)

Links to the songs (1/2/3)

Have a good weekend guys, I'll try and pop in a bunch next week, because then, yah... you know (well no, this is the first you're hearing of it), I'm going to Alberta for 11 days. Story of my (fabulous) life.

A Monday Post

2012-01-09T10:56:00.002-06:00

I think my struggle with blogging lately is that I just feel like I don't have anything to talk about. I feel like I should be participating in something, talking about something specific or getting something off my chest. So when it comes to day to day life, I just struggle to come up with a routine blog.

So instead of jumping into a post with a plan, I'm just going to go with it. These tend to be my favourite posts anyway, I don't know about you. They're my favourite ones to go back and read since I like to know where my head was at, at X time.

First of all, I wanted to thank you all for your advice on the dating world. I've decided to go with one guy at a time. You all gave great advice that I should just be open with the guys, and the reality is, I don't want to tell or ask the first guy that I am dating other people. And, since I don't want to do that, I'm going to tell the other guys that I've started dating someone and since seeing a few people at once isn't my cup of tea, I'd like to see where this goes before setting something up with them. Let's be honest, I can't multi-task. I can't watch a television and carry on a conversation (unless it's talking through the movie or show, I'm great at that), so what was I thinking when it came to juggling multiple guys. Yeah, don't think so. I'm happy with this decision. Thanks to your advice for helping me sort it out!

Secondly, Vada is cute. I'm totally that crazy cat lady that thinks people actually care about my cat (well besides my fellow crazy cat ladies). I love when I get to have her at home with me.

Thirdly (kind of regretting going with this numberly point format today), at work right now I've been asked to think about my goals for this year. This might seem like an easy task, but it's really not. I am a go with the flow kind of gal when it comes to work surprisingly, and when I've been asked to think about a whole entire year when I literally have the ability to ask for anything, this is incredibly hard. I can get training in whatever I want (within reason). I'm stalling big time, when you'd think a great task like this is something I'd relish in. Yup, no relishing here. It scares me. What if I miss something? How much can I demand? See...scary stuff. Please note, I'm not complaining, I'm perfectly aware of how awesome my job is. Now if only I could find my plane ticket stub that I jotted all kinds of career goals on...

Fourthly, I've been working on a braid hair tutorial. I'm not sure if anyone is actually interested in watching this... yes? no? I have been rocking the braid for yearssss and have gotten pretty good at a few different ways to do it... but I'm not sure how I feel about saying I know my shit on something. Would you guys care to watch this? I'll probably post it anyway, but yeah.

Fifthly, I got the word fifth wrong in a spelling test in the fifth grade. True story. I had fith written down and went through the entire alphabet (excluding the letter f) trying to figure out which letter I was missing. I kept asking my friend Natalie but she wouldn't let me cheat off her.

So that's about all I've got for you today. Have a lovely week my friends! :)

Light's On

2012-01-07T23:21:00.001-06:00

For those of your who aren't familiar with the taxi light concept first introduced in Sex and the City, let me enlighten you! The concept is quite simple... a person is like a taxi, you're light is either on or it's off. You're either ready to be in a relationship or you're not. You're either attracting people... or you're not. And I'm not exactly sure if you have any choice in the matter as a female (men on the other had, arguably I think they do).

source

Anywho... I've talked about my dating life here plenty but a few months ago I gave you the whole vlog update. I basically said that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but I wasn't opposed to one either.

I don't exactly feel like my thoughts on this have changed... but I feel like something has changed... or shifted. As if my light has suddenly turned on.

We all know that when it comes to finding a relationship we can't exactly go looking for it. Sure, we can try, but it just doesn't happen like that. You don't decide, "Okay I want a relationship", and then bam there you go. It doesn't work like that. Even if you want one more than anything in the world, often that's when you're least likely to find it (true story).

Something has shifted though... My best friend and I were discussing this entire concept over the Christmas break, when we noticed that the attention from guys seemed to be changing. Things just seemed to be working more favourably for us. We quickly decided that our lights suddenly must be on (we're best friends, we do everything together obviously).

I don't want to jinx anything, but I just believe it... and while I went on a pretty awesome date today/night, I suddenly have quite a few guys I could possibly be juggling in my midst. I have two other guys that want to take me out this upcoming week.

So this is where my dilemma comes in. I get that whole point of a relationship is to become exclusive and date nobody else... but if you have a good date with someone and agree to see them again, then should you still say yes to the other guy that is asking you out? Or should you wait and see how it pans out with the first guy?

I could see a few guys at once and see where it goes and it end up liking one of them to date. Best case scenario? Sure...but, I could see a few guys at once, end up messing it up in a bad juggling act and end up with nobody. I could also decide to date only one person at a time, and then have it not work out with them, and go to move on and then at that point the other guys have moved on.

So...
What is acceptable?
What is faux pas?
What would you do?

Vlog Friday's are Back!

2012-01-06T10:50:00.001-06:00

Hello everyone!

I honestly got all giddy last night when I checked my Twitter feed to see that everyone had been discussing Vlog Friday, and I immediately ran and grabbed my computer that I had retired for the evening and recorded my video! Please note, this was about 15 minutes after Grey's had ended for me, and I had to wash all the cry face off in order to record it! Seriously.

Anyway, I'm super excited that we're back to doing this in 2012, and can't wait to start watching all of your videos and lovely faces again!!

Jump on over to Cole's blog if you want to participate and check out the other vloggies! Next week we're reviewing our favourite book, movie and song of 2011! Going to be a toughy for me!

Here is me in 2012! Spaz... as always! And also... as always Vimeo chose a ridiculous screenshot!

Resolutioners

2012-01-05T10:58:00.000-06:00

I love fresh starts. I love the beginning of a new year, and I love a crisp blank page.

However... there is something about New Year's resolutions that I dislike. I'm not really entirely sure if I felt this way last year (pretty sure I didn't), but part of this feeling has always been there. I think this resolution angst stems from people at the gym in January. Typically (I honestly really wouldn't know I've been once in the 5 days of 2012) the gym is disgustingly packed in January filled with idiots that have no idea what their doing taking up the rats machines.

I know I can't exactly talk since the gym and I have had quite the roller coaster rocky relationship that usually ends in a break-up... but let's just say we've worked things out and I think he's a keeper. Well I know he is. The gym and I have become buds in recent years, and while, yes... I do take the odd hiatus, from running outside (that doesn't count) to being so busy that I don't know my left and rights (read: summer) to Christmas holidays (read: still haven't got back in ma groove thang).

It took me a really long time to fall in love with the gym, and well, I'm there... and something awful about this wonderful month of January makes me hate it. The resolutioners.

Source: healthy-girl.tumblr.com via Rebecca on Pinterest

Don't get me wrong. I totally love making goals... and I totally support anyone that decides to make a positive change in their life... what I don't like about it, is that New Year's resolutions typically have the connotation that you're going to bail as soon as February hits... and sadly that's pretty much the case for most.

We've all (no?) gotten stuck in the "I'll start Monday" cycle of any goal setting behaviour, and to me, January 1st is the ultimate Monday... that everyone (I'm generalizing obviously, just go with it) is waiting for, and then it just doesn't stick.

I don't know about you, but for me, anything I've ever had success with has started on the fed up day. The day you hit your wall, whether it be Tuesday afternoon or Saturday morning. It's the date and time that everything just clicks and works and bam, you're ready to go.

I've had my fair share of those moments, so if it sounds like I'm on a soapbox please take it with a grain of salt... I'm still 40 pounds from my ideal weight and stuck in my limbo that I tend to get stuck in (curse you Christmas). I'm just ranting here.

Anyway, like I said... I absolutely love fresh starts. I love January 1 as much as the next person, but what I don't like is the resolution attitude. I don't like that Monday attitude. I don't like the, better eat this now, because come Monday I am sooooo never eating that again. It just doesn't work. Never.

If I've learned anything about committing to a healthy lifestyle, it's this... it's just starting again. Picking up where you've left off. It's fucking up royally (pardon the french mon amie) and just getting back at it tomorrow.

And if I've done anything lately, it's that. Travelling has really thrown a cork in the testament of a routine for me, but if I've learned anything and become successful at anything, it's just getting back to 'er. Not on Monday, not on January 1... just tomorrow.

So yeah... not exactly sure where I wanted to go with this... I didn't make resolutions this year. I did make statements about my expectations for the year, but if I have any goals for this year it's this (goals not resolutions).

1. Tattoo
2. Eurotrip with bestie (Amsterdam)

One may proceed the other, and who knows maybe they'll happen together... but that's just it.

I think I've unsubscribed to the notion of losing weight and making goal dates to be this weight by this date. It just doesn't work for me. Ever. It's about being healthy and finding that place your body is happy. It's about going to the gym because it feels good. It's about eating a healthy meal because it tastes good and makes my stomach a happier place. If I want to be bad on a Friday afternoon, then no big deal, I'll just get right back to it tomorrow or Friday night. Will I get there slower? Absolutely. But, I've done this before. I've done the extreme... and guess what? It doesn't work. It doesn't stay off. It's about being realistic and just making it work for you... forever, not on January 1.

/soapbox
/rant
/preachiness?

2012

2012-01-01T23:13:00.000-06:00

This isn't going to be one of typical year end/beginning review posts. It's not going to be a celebration of 2011 through photos and triumphs. It's just going to be one of those word heavy posts that I hope to look back on a year from now and feel and be in a complete different place. Not that where I am at is remotely a bad thing. Quite the contrary.

This year has been completely unexpected. I am no longer wearing the same shoes, and can say that I completely feel like a different person from the girl that was sitting in front of the computer (a different computer at that) at the beginning of 2011.

I have grown so much and changed for the better. I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time. Last January I declared that 2011 would be the year about myself. About being selfish and trying and doing things for myself because I deserved it. I didn't realize how unhappy I was at the time when I wrote that. I didn't realize how trapped I felt. I didn't realize how much I was suppressing for fear of being alone. I didn't realize how big of a statement I was making by declaring it was the year of myself.

In February my best friend (L) and her boyfriend broke up, and saying a sentence like "we're not far behind you" as comfort to her and not realizing how messed up that was just the beginning. In March I ended a four and a half year relationship and crawled into a pretty dark hole for a month and arguably went my own level of crazy (you know the crazy motions where you tell yourself it's not over just to get through it). In May I found out that he had moved on and my career and job changed completely. I started travelling and had my revelatory moment of realizing that I was indeed done and that I had made the best decision I could have ever made for myself.

From May onward my life has just gotten better and better. I have grown and become more free. I have smiled more and cried far less than I have in years. I regained amazing relationships with my friends and family. I felt my heart physically heal and feel full again. I started to sort out issues that I have questioned about myself for years. The balls started rolling and it all just became clear again. I became a rockstar at my job (or more of one) and became passionate about my career. And the fun! I had so. much. fun. This summer was a blast. This fall was crazy...and I haven't even gone there yet, but this Christmas break? It was epic! I had an amazing vacation (update soon I promise!) in Florida and then came home and had an equally amazing time.

This past Thursday my best friend Katie text me and said, "hey want to go out?" and we spontaneously did it, and it turned out to be one of the best nights of my entire year. It was one of those nights that makes being single awesome. It's those nights you hope for secretly every time you go out as a single girl. The ones where you just feel good about yourself, see old friends, get complimented and feel amazing about yourself. It was one of those nights in the movies where a montage of fun is going on around you but you're in slow motion inside smiling and taking note of how amazing and awesome your life is.

As the New Year started to approach I knew last night would have to be epic. I knew that I would need to celebrate with my best friends (Katie and L), because this year my life returned. I feel free. I feel happiness, and I wanted to be around the girls that helped me do it. My two best friends that both went through equally traumatizing break-ups and we all came out on top loving life, closer than ever before and happier than ever.

As the New Year approached I started to feel some negativity about 2011 and about how I couldn't wait for the year to end. I couldn't wait for this shit year to disappear and for 2012 to begin... a year that will really be about me. I couldn't wait for midnight.

But then one of those nights like Thursday night happened and as Katie and I lounged in my bed at 2:00 in the afternoon on Friday giggling like the school girls we once were reflecting on the year (the one we've been bashing for months). That's when we both kind of realized that 2011 didn't suck at all (well as she was leaving). Yes a lot of shit happened (to some more than others), but we came out on top. We had a blast doing it. We learned so much. We became so close to the most important people in our lives. We're smiling and laughing...and 20 years from now 2011 won't be that shit year that we hated... it will be that amazing and epic year of our 20's.

So where does this leave me feeling about 2012 (besides the major Party Girl Blues I'm suffering from today)? It leaves me feeling incredibly excited. At the beginning of 2011 I said that it would be the year about me, and holy mother did I do that. It wasn't about a resolution to lose weight, get healthy and do this or that that most people never do. It was about making the year about myself and feeling good. As I bring on the new year, I completely feel like I accomplished that.

As I sit here on the first night of 2012 (completely hungover and exhausted) I am ready to rock 2012. I am ready for this year to be the best year of my life. I am ready to take what comes at me. I am ready to get even more healthy. To do even better at my job. To love myself even more. To grow more. To learn more. To laugh more. To smile more. To feel great. To travel more. To spend quality time with friends and family. To have fun. To date more. To fall in love? To do it all. It's a tall order, but it's nothing but achievable.

As we counted down to midnight looking hot and surrounded by the best of friends I have never felt such significance to a new year. I have never been so ready to rock it.

I can't wait to sit here a year from today and reflect again, to see all I did. I can't wait to sit here on January 1, 2013 and be ready to rock another year even more than I rocked the last...because that's the way it should be.

Why can't every year be the best year of your life?

Because it totally can.

2012? Let's do this.

Tag

2011-12-22T20:35:00.001-06:00

Yay for band wagons! Gotta love them! Thanks to Mandee for including me!

Rules:
1. You must post these rules.
2. Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their blog.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4. You have to choose 11 people to tag and link them on the post.
5. Go to their page and tell them you have linked him or her.
6. No tag backs.
7. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

11 Things About Me:
1. My whole life I've always been a morning showerer, but in the last year I've made the shift to night time showering (or having a bath) and I like the switch.

2. Speaking of showering I wash my hair everyday. When they say not to wash your hair everyday they aren't taking the extremely thin and pin straight hair people into consideration. After 24 hours you can I look like a grease monkey. I do use dry shampoo if necessary, but I shower everyday, so I just wash it everyday.

3. I'm starting to seriously consider getting the birthmark on my face removed. The argument I used to make for keeping it was that I was born that way and a it is a piece of me, but now the argument of if it's something that causes me insecurity...why would I keep it?

4. One of my pet peeves is when people go into deep long details about their dream last night. I don't mind a quick (2-3 sentence) synopsis of their dream because everyone does that, but anything more than that is annoying to me.

5. People always comment on the fact that I have big boobs (even though I've never fit into anything bigger than a C bra); you'd think I'd like this, but when in reality I'm looking forward to being closer to my goal weight because I like having smaller boobs. You can wear a lot more cute shirts without looking like a hooker.

6. I haven't weighed myself in a really long time. I haven't been particularly bad on this trip aside from a few bad choices (um hello who goes to Harry Potter land and doesn't get Butterbeer?). I'm not entirely worried, and actually would be leaning more towards a loss if I had to guess, but now that it's been so long I'm too scared to do it during Christmas/New Year's week. Yah... so an update since I wrote this last week (that sentence up there yeahhhhh) I am now worried. Christmas time you are so bad for me.

7. One of my biggest dating struggles is being open to dating someone I don't see myself with long term and only thinking short term fun. I just don't think I'm wired to do it...and since I want kids before I'm 30 it really just seems like a waste of time to me. If I'm not immediately attracted to someone I just don't think I can do it.

8. I say washroom instead of restroom. This is something I've noticed since my trip to the States and realizing that everyone says restroom there. True story... me: "Do you know where the washroom is?", girl: "Umm... I think it's near the restroom."

9. I enjoy our coloured money. It makes deciphering which bill is which much easier and quicker than having to look through every bill to see how to pay.

10. I went on my first long motorcycle ride in Florida with my dad. It was a ton of fun, we drove over 200 miles together!

11. Thinking about things about myself is incredibly hard when I have done a ton of these posts before. I've been working on this post for more than a solid hour and still cannot think of random things about myself.

Questions from Mandee :
1. What is the last thing you purchased?
I bought lunch today while out with my best friend. It was delicious!

2. Do you prefer salty or sweet snacks?
Salty 100%. I do have a sweet tooth, but I always crave chips, popcorn, fries, that sort of delicious bad for you food.

3. What is your favorite fashion trend right now?
Hmmmm tough call. It was feather earrings, but then everyone started doing it so now I'm over it. My newest trend I lovvvvve is wearing tights. No not black tights, but dresses with fancy tights tights. Like leotards haha. I have a pair of killer turquoise ones for New Years. I look like a hot smurf.

4. Are your nails painted? What color?
Not right now. I'm a huge fan of shellac because it allows me to be lazy. I'm going out tonight and plan on painting them in OPI's Sweetheart.

5. What is one thing you wish you could improve about yourself?
My weight. Easy peasy answer, long process to achieve.

6. Who is the last person to make you laugh?
My mom about five minutes ago while picking out an outfit for tonight. I think the answer should always be your last conversation, what's life without laughter?

7. What is one thing your spouse does to make you weak in the knees?
Well since I'm single as they come, I don't really have an answer. But I'd say when a guy takes total control of any situation it's such a turn-on.

8. Favorite holiday song?
So This is Christmas (is that the proper name?)

9. Would you rather stub your toe or have a paper cut?
Neither? I think stub my toe provided that it didn't turn my nail black. The pain goes away faster.

10. Favorite book you've read this year?
Tough call since I've read quite a few books. The short-term memory in me says Hunger Games, but when I think about how much time is in a year, the answer is actually A Thousand Splendid Suns.

11. New year's resolution?
To make 2012 the best year ever. More on this later...

My Tags:
Steph, Jen, Jessica, Layla, Carissa, Amy, Rebecca, Michelle... and that's where I stop because these are the only people I can think of that might participate. I'd normally tag Meg but she just had a beautiful baby girl last week, so sending her a congratulatory bloggy shout-out just seems more appropriate :)

Questions for my Tags:
1. What is your favourite vacation activity?
2. Do you sleep on a specific side of the bed? What position sleeper are you (i.e., side, fetal, stomach, back)?
3. If you had to be locked in one room with someone for 24 hours, who would it be and why? You cannot choose your spouse/significant other or child (just trying to make the answers interesting).
4. What's your can't live without cosmetic?
5. If given $100 to spend on yourself, what would you spend it on?
6. Are you a mac or PC?
7. In the event of a zombie apocalypse where you want to be?
8. What television show would you recommend to others as a must-watch?
9. Are you a morning or night person?
10. Is there something you're saving up for right now?
11. What was your favourite moment of 2011?

Have fun friends! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a great New Year! I kind of fail at blogging lately so I feel I should probably say that now just in case, since I started writing this post over a week ago! :)

Checking In

2011-12-20T23:09:00.000-06:00

Well so it turns out that my resort is from the stone age, that or they just love to rip people off... and I don't have Internet in my condo (unless I wanted to pay $40 PER computer). So in order to have hits from my uber serious Internet addiction I have to walk all the way to the clubhouse. Good times. This would be no big deal (and it really isn't) but I've been super busy and lugging my laptop with me when I go for a nightly hot tub just isn't my idea of a good time. To be honest unplugging has been wonderful.

This vacation has been fabulous and oh so needed. I've been to the ocean three times, two theme parks (both Universals), lots of shopping and a fair. Tomorrow is going to be my first day of nothingness and being able to sleep in and honestly I cannot wait to just sit back and relax all day long. I'm sure the night will be filled with some fun and busy-ness but I just need a morning to sleep in and a day to relax in the sun and finally get rid of my t-shirt tan from June. Seriously, this beast just doesn't want to go away. I worked hard all summer with 60 SPF on the tanned parts and very low SPF on the others. Still there. I'm bound and determined to get rid of it before I leave. Anyway, random side note tangent.

I'm on board for some sort of full update in the future but I almost fell asleep on a motorcycle today and the hot tub is calling my name!

I know this post should probably be all Christmasy, but to be honest, the ornaments and Christmas lights in 80 degree weather next to palm trees just seems to weird to me, and the carols in the background kind of seem like a hoax or something. Like, is it seriously 3 days away from Christmas? I just don't believe the calendar or all these crazy people saying Merry Christmas (not Happy Holidays). I guess it's a good thing that these crazy Florida people have fake snow!

Merry Christmas friends!! (just in case I disappear again!)

Falalalaorida

2011-12-16T14:57:00.000-06:00

I'm here! Let the vacation commence!!

It's been a long time coming and a much deserved vacation if I do say so myself! I'll try and check in regularly over the next bit now that I'll have more time being on vacation and all!

I check into my hotel tomorrow so I'll have more time to give you all an actual update, but I'm here and on vacation... FINALLY!

Recorded Thoughts

2011-12-08T08:37:00.001-06:00

I really wish I could record my thoughts. Not all the time, because then I'd have a lot of random tangents and weird stuff to sort through to find the good stuff. I guess we're always thinking and well I like to think of myself as an intelligent person, I can't be on the ball all the time people.

Anyway, I just really wish I could record my thoughts when I come up with a good idea. Over the past week or so I've thought to myself, oh I should do a random post and include this, and that and that and this.

Remember that time I told you my memory was bad last week? Yah I wasn't kidding. I totally forget all the this and that and that and this.

So that leaves me here talking about thinking and recording thoughts. Stimulating stuff going on here! Thanks for stopping by! Ha.

So this last week has been pretty intense, and by intense I mean I had a rough weekend.

I travel a lot now, which to me is still kind of crazy. I didn't think that this is where my job would lead me (not that I'm complaining, because I'm not).

Anyway (apparently I'm in a tangent mood, this is what happens when I hit new post without a plan)...so when I travel I get exhausted and when I'm exhausted I get moody, and when I stop taking the pill I have no idea what my lady business is up to (TMI to the slight chance I have male readers) I get emotional for what seems like random reasons.

So on Saturday evening after being on business and in two full long day workshops, I met up with my uncle that lives in Alberta and his family. I'm not going into details here with the slight possibility he ever finds my blog, that he (god forbid) knows about it, but whatever. Let's just say we're very different people. I love him and enjoy seeing him and his kids (my cousins), but I'm going to be straight up when I say I liked it better when he lived back home and a visit was limited to a few hours and not staying with him and his family. They live their life very differently then I do, and I don't agree with 90% of it.

So tired and stressed me really wasn't into this whole over night stay to begin with, and as the visit went on I also became more and more emotional (like I said, don't agree with 90% of his life decisions). You know how sometimes you just need to cry, and you might not know why, but you know it's coming and something eventually is just going to open the flood gates and there will be no stopping you.

Yes this is where this story is headed.

Awhile back (I'm too lazy to link back), I talked about how I never cry any more. It's true, I don't. The last time I cried before Saturday was about 2-3 weeks prior. I initially felt the urge to cry on Friday. I was in the workshop and looked at my phone. I looked at the date and it read December 2. I did the funny squint when you look at something and it looks familiar but you can't quite...figure...out... oh...my...god... it would be our fifth anniversary today squint. Yah that one.

First of all, I was incredibly proud of the fact that I didn't even remember the date was coming. I mean this time last year I had been planning for the day for weeks and anticipating it. Here I am a year later and completely forgot this date even existed (thank you past self for buying a new agenda that didn't have any special past life dates in it!). So I had that moment of proudness that I didn't even realize that the day was coming, and then the fact that it took me a few seconds to figure out why December 2 was even significant to me, and then that tightness in my chest came when I was in a room full of people that I could not process this information around and I just wanted to run out of the room and cry.

So fast forward to Saturday night, double the tired, double the frustration and it's building. Add in the fact that I'm talking to one of my cousins via texting about some pretty dark stuff (on his end, and for his privacy that is all I will get into).

Skipping ahead to long story a bit shorter, I ended up crying. A lot. At my uncles. Could. Not. Stop. Sobbing.

I ended up calling my cousin which opened the flood gates and then it just wouldn't stop. My other cousin called me to discuss what had just happened, and then all these emotions came pouring out and this crying turned into me missing my brother. If I could share the entire story this would make crystal clear sense, but due to privacy of my cousin which I 100% respect I'll leave it at that.

You see, grief is tricky business. It really does sneak up on you, and for me it always does the sneak attack when I am stressed, tired and just moody already (and also that I unknowingly was about to be paid the lady friend visit).

Something I've really struggled with in my new single life is dealing with is the loss of my brother. Losing my brother is a significant part of who I am. I talk about him. Losing him is part of me. Losing him is why I am the way I am now. Talking about him is important. With this online dating business, you find yourself revealing important stuff to people, and since losing Kyle was one of the most significant moments of my life and the reason I am the way I am...it leads to me talking about the loss a lot. Well that and how many siblings do you have seems to be an intro question with everyone. Some guys totally jump into the questions about it, some guys avoid it, some guys just don't know what to say. I'm actually talking to an avoider right now, which always concerns me. Dating someone else that doesn't get it is really hard. Really hard. It's the reason I held on to a terrible relationship for so long. I couldn't picture myself with someone that didn't get me and get what I went through.

So here I am at my uncle's sobbing uncontrollably feeling as awkward as can be and just feeling empty. The last time I cried like this over my brother was a long time ago, and at that moment I just didn't know what to do. I wanted to talk to him but knew it would be the worst idea ever. I already had felt tempted on Friday, and at that moment feeling low as ever I felt like he was the only person that would understand me. Then I got even more upset that I had lost that person that understood me on that level.

I'm not trying to take away from my parents, my family and close friends that totally get it too and are always there for me, but they grieve in their own ways too. So while they completely understand how I feel and relate, at that moment I just wanted the person that was the outsider, the person that always understood me, and my feelings and why I was crying.

Tricky business this grief. After a relapse in crying (you know when you stop, you think you're done and then it starts all over again), and I was finally calmed down with make-up reapplied and I was glad/proud that I didn't message him. Still haven't. Still am (proud). I can do this on my own. I can call other people (which I did).

It's hard... something I continually struggle with. Losing a person that was part of 1/6 of your life, and a pretty significant sixth of that life considering you have a bad memory and all and most of my memories include him. I'm supposed to have him cut out of my life, but no matter how hard I try, reflection always (well for the most part) includes him. He was my life for over four years.

We can't be friends. We can't be in each others life and I'm supposed to just feel nothing when I think about a significant part of my past. A significant part of which was in fact happy. It was just shit part of the time (and most of the time in that latter half).

This is the point in the post where I don't know where to go. This is the part where I should have had a plan. I really didn't plan for this to end up here at all. This is what happens when I leave it to my fingertips. Apparently this stuff is still on my mind, and stuff I'm still struggling with.

I miss my brother. I envy those people that have siblings. I miss my other half in life. I miss having that person that just gets you because you're the same. I don't know which person I'm talking about any more.

So I guess this is where my post rounds out full circle. Recorded thoughts... right here. Now if only I could figure out a way to record the good ideas that randomly pop into my head...

If you got to the end here, props to you! That has got to be one of my most random posts ever.

Five Things

2011-12-01T17:06:00.001-06:00

If I stop moving I WILL fall asleep...and since I've been up since 6:40am my time, and I'm currently in 4:00pm Alberta time (6pm my time), I'm all sorts of confused and tired and ready to go to bed. But I actually just have a little itty bitty break and then it's back to organizing and getting ready for a busy couple of days here. K so I totally started this post in the afternoon (4:00pm and it's now almost 11pm... got distracted with work!). Today was a 13ish hour day if I don't include slack time.

At least I have a rockin' hotel room. For serious, it's legit. A king size sleep number bed always is a win for me... minus the fact that hotel itself is kind of lame and I really would like to stab the guy at the front desk, and my view isn't outside, it's of the inside of the hotel (lame).

So I've decided to participate in a fun writer's prompt originally from Mama Kat's blog which I saw at Amy's {rainy saturday}. So list 5 things we don’t know about you, 5 things you’re knowledgeable about, 5 things you know nothing about, and 5 things you believe.

{Five things you may not know about me}

My parents still live in the house I grew up in. Before I moved away from school I had never moved, it's the house I was brought home from the hospital in. Since moving away from school I've lost count of all my moves, not including the moves between summers I've lived in five different places in the Ottawa area.
I used to get compliments on how ridiculously soft my hair was, and how healthy it was...then I started highlighting it, and now it's this ridiculously rats nest half the time. I love the colour so much but I might pull the plug soon because it's driving me nuts (and it's pricey to keep up with).
I'm at my most wittiest when I'm mentally exhausted. I also fantasize about stabbing people (not actually, I think I just need a drink of the alcoholic variety).
Some years I get totally insanely into the Christmas spirit... the carols, the movies, the gift buying, the decorating, the everything. I'm going to admit this year just isn't that year. This may or may not have a correlation with snow on the ground. But I'm just not into it this year. I'm trying people, but it's just not happening (watching Elf took it from 0% to about 30%).
I stay up late all the time even though I hate it. This may or may not be news to you, but I'm running out of ideas here. I usually stay up till 1:00am-2:00am. If I say up past 2am I get anxious. I really wish I had the ability to go to bed at 11:00pm but it just does not happen.

{Five things I'm knowledgeable about}

I'm probably one of the most knowledgeable non-pregnant/non-mother/non-doctor/nurse's about pregnancy. I realize that is a random sentence but I know a lot of useless facts about pregnancy for someone that has never been pregnant or gone to medical school. I don't know why other than the fact that I am just incredibly fascinated by it.
Useless facts and memories. I have a terrible memory when it comes to important stuff, but I can remember what you were wearing that time we went to that place or what you ordered for dinner when we went to that restaurant a few years ago. My memory is useless. In reality I probably don't remember those things either, but the things I do remember are completely random like that. See! I can't even remember the things I remember. Maybe this should actually be in the next category.
I'm pretty darn good at giving advice. I generally have about 2-3 advice sessions on the go via texting. I kind of feel like a jerk saying this and want to climb under a modesty blanket, but I just like to think of myself as a good friend when it comes to these things.
Shopping. Now now, I realize this might come off as a silly thing to be "knowledgeable" about, but just wait. A couple weeks ago I was shopping with my bestie for her first date with a boy that she really liked. She told me I am the best person to shop with because when someone is looking for something I just get on a mission and will not stop until the perfect outfit/shoe/accessory is found. I also just know where to look and what will work. I'm the master of "just try it on".
I feel kind of lame about the things I'm coming up with here. So I'll go with research on this one, since it's kind of my career. I'm a good seeker. If I'm looking for something (outside of shopping) I find it. I'm really good at it.

{Five things I know nothing about}

Numbers. For realz. I used to tell people when I'd struggle to calculate the simplest adding/subtracting problem that I was an arts student for a reason. It's not that I'm bad at math, I usually got A's in high school, but I did that with the help of a calculator. If there was a gun to my head and someone asked me to do a long division problem my brains would be splattered on the wall. Your welcome for the visual.
Cars. If my car broke down on the side of the road I would have no idea what to do except call my dad.
The brain. I totally don't understand the hormones, the neurons, the parts, the everything. That was my worst class of university and I totally just made it by on guessing in multiple choice. Does. Not. Compute.
Speaking of the brain. My thesis was based a lot on brain activity. I did all the work, and it's been published but I have no idea what any of it means. Yes, I'm legitimately serious.
I'm going to go there and say boys. They just make me scratch my head.

{Five things I believe}

Fate. All the effing way. Things totally happen for a reason.
On that note, I also believe that we can create our life's picture. If you're going to be negative and a downer all the time, bad things will keep happening to you and that picture is going to be black and dreary. If you're positive it's going to be bright and sunny. I'm not exactly sure how this ties in with fate, but I believe in both to my core.
I believe in family. I'm not really ashamed that most of my closest peeps are family members. My cousins are so important to me, and my parents (obviously) and my aunts/uncles. Family is the bestest ever.
That kitties are probably the best pet in the entire world. The fact that I have to go an entire week alone in my apartment next week without Vada is heart wrenching. It makes my heart hurt thinking about it.
I believe in soul mates, and I cannot wait to find mine. Well yes, I can wait, but you get what I'm sayin'

Join in and let me know if you do!

Hump Day

2011-11-30T13:55:00.001-06:00

So it's the middle of the week... sort of. Well it is for most of you, but for me I fly to Alberta tomorrow and work until Saturday, spend a day in Edmonton with my family out there, then back to Ottawa for one more week. THEN the crazzzaaayyyness begins. Ready?

Edmonton - December 1-4th

Ottawa - December 4-11th

Back home - December 11-12th

Alberta - December 12-15th

Toronto - December 15th

Florida - December 16-26th

Back home - December 26-January 1st

Yah that's a whole lot of travelling. Please note that little blip of Toronto there. Yah that one up there. So I have to go to Alberta for work, and the event I'm going to was supposed to be on December 13th, but then they decided, hey December 14th makes more sense for everyone so let's do that. EXCEPT for me, that just about messed up every plan ever. So now, I must go home on December 11th, get my sweet sweet mother to drive me to Toronto on the 12th to the airport, go to Alberta, come back on Thursday the 15th, meet my parents in a hotel where I will rearrange my pre-packed suitcase to Florida with my suitcase that had just gone to Alberta.

I get all crazy stressed thinking about it.

So that little week of fun back in Ottawa is going to be all sorts of crazy packing for being away from Ottawa for the month of December practically and packing for 3 different places (Alberta, Florida and home). I have to be super organized for that one. Riiiiight.

Anywho, can't complain much since I'll be working tons of overtime in order to be able to even take 2 whole weeks off work, and then go to Florida and all, yah know... just minor issues in the grand scheme of things.

So I might not be around much in the next little while, but I assure you I'll try and pop in as much as possible, and you know, you can always check me on Pinterest because I'm insanely addicted.

So how about some Pinteresting Wednesday fun!?

Source: weheartit.com via Amy on Pinterest

Source: babaloud.com via Amy on Pinterest

Source: themanyadventuresofsarah.blogspot.com via Amy on Pinterest

Source: charissaxlovee.tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

Source: Uploaded by user via Amy on Pinterest

Source: t.co via Amy on Pinterest

Source: restoredstyle.com via Amy on Pinterest

Source: bowribbonsandpearls.tumblr.com via Amy on Pinterest

In conclusion. I love good quotes. I'm obsessed with Ryan Gosling. I love Dwight Shrute that dude makes me laugh my ass off, and Elf has the ability to make any normal (yes I said it) person immediately dive right into Christmas spirit. If you don't ~~like~~ LOVE Elf you have no soul.

Happy Wednesday friends :)

Vacation

2011-11-29T09:53:00.001-06:00

I'm in desperate need of a vacation. Like, desperate. My last real vacation was in 2009 to Cuba, and before that was 2004. Yeah, yeah, first world problems, I know.

Whenever I can afford time off they are "staycations" back home. Since I work on a contract basis I don't get to enjoy the luxuries many of my friends have of 10-15 days off a year... paid. Oh how I would love that. For me to take time off, I have to save up for my loss of wages, and then to save for a vacation on TOP of that is just talking crazy (or being good at saving, which I am not).

However, as you may know I am going to Florida in 17 days. Hells to the yes!

Florida is my family's go-to vacation spot. I've been there approximately a bajillion times (just a rough estimate). My grandparents are a typical Canadian senior couple that moves South for the winter with the geese, so growing up we went to Florida on vacation. It's been nearly 7/8 years since I was there last, since travelling during university just wasn't an option!

probably from my first trip - I can't be more than one here, mock magazine cover

So now, I get to return for 10 glorious days in the sun! My parents rented a condo for me, and my cousin is coming too! She'll be going down a few days before me, and then goes back, and we'll spend Christmas with my grandparents (my parents and I). I haven't been to Florida with my cousin since we were really little (also the vacation of home videos that will likely be played on my wedding day).

the two of us at Disney

I honestly cannot wait to lay in the sun, go to Universal Studios and make a trek to the beach. It's exactly what I need right now!

And, often people need a vacation after a vacation, and I'm lucky enough to still have another week off before I have to return to work again to spend time at home with my friends and family.

Christmas vacation couldn't come soon enough!

My brother's best friend, my brother, his girlfriend at the time and myself in Florida 2004.

Discernment

2011-11-28T15:15:00.001-06:00

I am always surprised when I hear a word I don't recognize (I'm talking in everyday talk, speaking English, not reading). It's not often you hear a word in your adult life when you have to say, "um, I'm sorry but, huh?"

So today I had my third instalment (fourth total) of Body Talk with my Body Talk girl K, and every time I leave I think to myself two things: one. worth every penny; and two. I feel damn good.

Body Talk has become that thing I do for myself that makes me feel good about myself, better than going out for dinner, out for drinks or a new shiny toy/shirt/pants. It's that thing I do for myself that helps me clear head space and figure out what's actually going on. Whether it be hoaky, full of crap or not actually legit, I don't really care since it has been a tool that has truly helped me in so very many ways.

Some of the main things I've noticed since starting Body Talk are:

- how concious I have become of my body's reactions to certain situations, I'm more present and aware of how things affect me in my day to day life

- how disconnected I have become from the break-up. I found myself still really struggling to stop thinking about it and let go of some hate and bitterness. I feel completely disconnected now (in a good way).

- my weight and everything surrounding it. I'm taking it as no coincidence that as soon as I figured out that I have been treating my weight as armour and protection that I have been able to let it go and started actually (finally!) losing weight. I haven't weighed myself since I was sick, so I can't give you an exact update, but I feel good about my progress and that's what counts.

- food and exercise - yes, this ties into weight, but I have noticed something huge here. I used to seek food, I used to think about food, dream about food, and when I was stressed all I wanted was food. I was the queen of cravings...but something has happened, shifted. I no longer think about food as a comfort (sure, a bit sometimes), but instead when I'm stressed out, and just can't handle another thing in my day, all I want to do is run. All I want to do is sweat it out... and that is what I've been doing (aside from last week, stupid illness). When shit hits the fan, I just see myself running it out on the treadmill, then I go to the gym and run until I can't run anymore. Some days I can only run for 5 minutes, and others it's 15, it really doesn't matter how long I'm doing it, because I am doing it instead of melting butter to put on top of a bowl of popcorn long after dinner. I have been eating because I have been hungry and not because I need it to fill some void...and that is huge.

Source: toomuch2soon.tumblr.com via Marisa on Pinterest

So yes, maybe this could have happened magically all on it's own, but it has happened since I started having Body Talk sessions.

Today K picked up on the stress from all the money stuff first, and how moody it has made me, and also an issue with a boy that happened about two weeks ago and how much that has affected me. A lot of my issues with men and dating seem to affect my stomach region, and this situation has been no different.

She mentioned that while I haven't been affected by the guy himself, I have been affected from dating and I told her that I have a lot of fears around moving on, and a huge fear around rejection. I am really afraid of falling in love again and getting hurt again. Afraid of meeting someone, falling in love, letting go and just taking the dive, and then getting hurt and rejected again. So when I meet someone that I have a remote attraction to, it put a lot of pressure on the situation, and made me just a bit crazy. The whole situation made me incredibly nervous and just well, feel bat shit crazy. I spent two weeks just incredibly down on myself because of this guy that doesn't even really deserve to be talked about because he has really, nothing to do with the situation (he's merely the tool to figuring out my shit).

via

Anyway, she said the word discernment was coming up, and the "take it or leave it" attitude. I am a no bullshit, no games, all or nothing kind of girl, which can kind of freak guys out. I am not going to pretend to be someone else for you. You either like me or you don't. You either want to be with me, or you don't. I've fought the fight, I've tried to change because I thought it would make me happy. I have felt like shit about myself because the person I was with didn't think I was good enough just the way I was. Enter my new attitude (or the return of depending on how you look at it) of take it or leave it.

However when she said the word discernment I went, "huh!?" I'm still kind of confused over the word and how it applies to me but from what I understand it boils down to my body figuring it out, distinguishing how I feel... I guess I understand the word discern and have used it in my everyday language, but discernment kind of makes me scratch my head... hah! I'm not a dictionary people.

Anyway, I'm left with the homework to reflect on what all this means to me, and where to go from here.

To me, it all boils down to wants and needs for me right now.

I need to be single. I need to focus on myself. I need to continue on this journey for myself to sort it all out, to conquer my issues with my weight and body image (one. last. time.). I need this.

via

And even though a huge part of me is suddenly wanting to find someone and have close companionship again, I don't need that right now...even if I want it.