Monuments

Memories and Stewardship

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 09:54:00 +0000

It's been a year since I wrote in this blog. Many things have happened and many thoughts came to mind that I should have written down so I could come back at a later time and retrace them. Most of all, God has taught me so many things in the past year that I should have written down and shared here so I will always be reminded of them.

What makes a blog better than other means to preserve memories is that the stories will always be safe here. On paper, memories could be damaged by either fire or water. In a hard disk, memories are in danger of a million viruses and trojan horses. But on the Internet, memories shall always be safe and easily accessible. Of course, they would not be as detailed since they are open to other people, but the one who wrote them will recall every single detail of the event even with the smallest bit of information recorded. At least, the memory remains.

I hope to be a more faithful writer and reader this year. I hope to grow in this art of reading and writing even with the prospects of a busy year with new challenges coming my way. I have wasted so much time on social networking sites, busy chitchatting with friends or poking my nose into other peoples' lives. This year, by God's grace, I hope to spend my time on what is more relevant, on the more important things, on the things that matter most. Hope you will, too.

Have a blessed new year! :)

The 19th Year of My Life

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:34:00 +0000

Christmas vacation came and went and I haven't written a single post! But this morning I remembered my long, lost blog and knew I had to write. Actually throughout the three months of silence, I did meet a number of thoughts wanting to be published here. Perhaps I should just try to cram and "jam-pack" them all in this post. But before I begin, I want to greet my faithful visitors a very, very, very belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Now, speaking of Christmas, for as long as I can remember, my family and I always worked together putting on Christmas decorations and our beloved tree. Perhaps the spirit of Christmas quietly came, tip-toed by, and went because we, sadly, in all our hussle and bussle, forgot all about our tree, our lights, and our decors. But I don't really think Christmas came and went as quietly as I thought it did since there were still food and parties and gifts here and there. And most of all, the celebration of our salvation, of God's love, the Holy Son of God coming here to earth to die for unworthy sinners like us, taking our place on the cross. No, Christmas didn't really come and go just like that...Christmas will always be in our hearts.

It was Time that came and went quickly and quietly. Year 2009 was my best and worst year so far. I always happen to say this to myself every time another year ends and a new year begins. But really, many things happened in 2009.

One of the significant things that happened was that I turned 18. I am now legal; I am no longer a minor. As to the celebration of my birthday, it was nothing big, but I'm glad my friends and family made it memorable. And my two best friends were there, without their boyfriends. I was often jealous if they brought their guys with them when we three go out together, but this time, they knew what made me happy. I love them so.

But less than a month after my birthday, I received news that one of them was four months pregnant. Later on, I heard the other was pregnant too. They had their babies in their tummies as they sang me "Faithful Friend". Somehow, I felt deceived, betrayed, even angry that they never shared with me what was happening with them. But I believe they also loved me, but respected my innocence about these things, since I am the youngest of us three. But I was definitely devastated. In fact, I was so devastated that I got really stressed to the point of having some sort of depression, even when it was summer vacation and there was no schoolwork to worry about. The Enemy even used it to discourage me from playing the keyboard in our church services every Sunday but praise God He has carried me through this very day. I praise God for His healing and that through those fearful experiences, He taught me to trust in Him like a child, to just cling to Him, to just hold His hand.

However, I know our friendship has changed, and they know it too. I don't know if it will ever be the same again. I am just saddened that we will no longer be graduating together since they have stopped schooling. Today, their babies are now two months and one month old, respectively. And today, I am continuing my education. I'm now in the second semester of my third year in college, only two semesters left before I graduate, while they are having sleepless nights and tiresome days as single mothers caring for their newborns. I am not proud of what I have achieved, that I am living a life better than them; I am, in fact, humbled by the fact that God has chosen to pour His favor over me. We were very close friends, we were so bonded together that it could have been me who got pregnant, left by my boyfriend, and stopped schooling. But I thank God that He has spared me, thanks to my overprotective parents, conservative lifestyle, and innocence. Yes, they have once mocked me about this, and I have once envied them for their "love lives". But now, things have turned around, and I now see the fruits of persevering in the narrow road, waiting for God's best.

I still have other thoughts and feelings that I want to talk about, but I think this post is long enough already. I just thank God that He has been so good and faithful and gracious to me yesterday, today, and He will be, in the days to come. Amen.

Lord, Use My Hands

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 10:34:00 +0000

I know within myself I am not a certified music lover. I normally do not have earphones in my ears. I rarely tap my fingers or slap my hands on my pants to a beat. I NEVER head-bang. I download music into my mp3, but I usually do that when there is a new song to learn under the pressure of a deadline. I listen to music wherever–-from car speakers, computer speakers, my own earphones, but I am only acquainted with a few songs and artists, who, if not popular, are extremely uncommon. It is a rarity that I know a song or artist a friend also knows. I do not pass the standards for a music addict. That’s why I believe it’s a miracle that I have learned to play the keyboard.

I have been practicing the keyboard since I was five under teachers of all kinds–-keyboardists who play by note, by ear, by Suzuki style. But I still could not play an accompaniment for a singer. This is what most people who enroll in piano school basically want to learn. They want to be musicians–I want to be a musician. But somehow, I felt hopeless and was just about to give up–when my mom interfered.

My mom is not a keyboardist but she does have some knowledge of chords; the little she had, she hoped to pass on to me. She began to teach me my first accompaniment, “Amazing Grace”, using only the chords D, G, and A. It was so hard then, transferring from one chord to another, and maintaining a beat. But it was enough to rekindle the desire to play, even without a formal teacher this time. On my own, I began researching chords of praise and worship songs in our church library. I compiled two clear books of songs we sing to God in church, complete with lyrics, chords, and sometimes, notes. I asked for tips from keyboardist ate’s and kuya’s [big sis and big bro] to polish my playing. And I started to play. I wasn’t that committed to practicing daily, but thanks to my mom and dad’s prodding, I did practice every now and then, looking from my piece to the piano chord chart and playing each chord on the keyboard. I soon slowly but surely learned how to transfer quick from chord to chord, and to maintain a 4/4 or 3/4 beat. This basic technique and many others I discovered along the way, I know I learned only from God.

Today, whenever I watch my hands playing, I still cannot believe what I’m seeing. I had prayed, upon my father’s influence and encouragement, that God would teach me how to play, so I can be used of Him to make music in accompaniment for God’s worshipers. I had asked God to teach me even just the very basics, just so I can play. But God went beyond my expectations of His answer to my prayer.

Since July 2006, and all praise to God’s faithfulness and grace, I have been playing every Sunday in the two Cebuano services of our church till this day. I cannot say that since I am now a keyboardist, I have stopped learning. On the contrary, I am learning so much now that I am actually playing medleys of songs and in front of people. I have learned to adjust with singers, whether young or old, solo or choir. I have also learned to adjust with fellow musicians–drummers, bassists, guitarists–even saxophone players [just once. hehe]. And whenever I learn something new, I realize there is still so much more to learn. There will always be room for growth and more growth, whether in music or any other area of life. But for all that God has done and is doing in my life, I return all the glory, praise, and thanks which rightfully belong to my best Teacher and Guide, God.

A Commitment to Write

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 10:38:00 +0000

Frustrated with my inconsistencies in updating this blog, I tried numerous attempts to click the [delete blog] button, transfer to a new hosting site, and create a brand-new blog. My legalistic efforts however, did not succeed, and this precious little blog of mine survived to this day.

This is an old blog marred with the failure of irregular updates. Thus, I have given it the look, the name, and the feel of a new-born blog to help me make a fresh commitment to blogging. Not just a commitment to update regularly, but a commitment to responsible, disciplined blogging that is careful with each word. I want to choose words that heal, encourage, and inspire. Maybe they will hurt at first, but they will be loving words from a rebuking friend. I want to choose words that best express how I feel and best explain an idea that can easily be understood. I simply want to be a writer. I want to learn how to write. Thus, a commitment to write.

And I hope this blog will encourage and inspire not just people with the same nationality, beliefs, or interests as I, but people from other religions and cultures as well.

I was inspired to make this new commitment to writing from my Advanced Composition class, which I took up just this year. Our professor read one of our classmates’ compositions to the class. The ideas flowed naturally from one to the other without any awkward gaps between them, and it was written in a simple, direct, but creative way. Our professor noted, “Although it is still a first draft, there are not much erasures.” I was challenged. I now wanted to become a real writer who is passionate about writing. In writing this new commitment with digital indelible ink, I have just embarked on the writing adventure. I expect many trials to come my way to test my commitment and love. ♥

This is not my first blog, but it will be my last. I will not write about empty, trivial things for the sake of updating, but perhaps insights about little unnoticed details in life. I will write about things God taught me in the past and is teaching me at present. I would like to write carefully constructed articles this time. I would like to be a disciplined writer who writes not for the sake of carelessly venting out her emotions [a journal would be a better place], but for the good of other people. What’s important is that each post pleases God. I pray every post I write will point people back to the Giver and Sustainer of life, and that is God.

Revolutionize Your Quiet Time

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 12:26:00 +0000

After reading the following article, I am encouraged and inspired to rise up and try again. I will not give up on my often-marred-with-failure quiet time with God! I hope you will be able to say the same thing too after reading it. :)

Career or Ministry?

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 01:19:00 +0000

I am halfway through college at this point, having finished the first two years of my bachelor's degree, Praise God. But it is not that thought which bothers me, but where I will go and what I will do when I graduate. Yes, I am still halfway through, but I do worry about the future. I want to follow my desires for a high-paying job since I will be taking the place of my mom and be breadwinner of my family soon. I have many plans of furthering my career. But what if this life is not what God wants for me?
I have been thinking much about these things these days since I've just been offered a job at our church library, and which I can accept once I graduate. It is one with a meager salary, but a job through which I can serve God because I am using my talents and knowledge for the spiritual benefit of His people, particularly His servants, our pastors. I say spiritual because the wealth of information and insight found in these books, which our church library holds, is very useful in their ministry and in their individual walk with God. And since I specialize in making these information available, I have many ideas as to how to disseminate this information to our church workers and assist them in exhausting everything they could from it.
But there are many other opportunities outside, and again, the salary. I hate to admit it, but I'm sure what will make me choose these other jobs will be the pay I will be receiving at the end of the month. But what an empty ambition to work for money! However, I do want to make my mom proud and I want to share my salary with her, since she did invest her money, time, effort, and love in my education.
There is also the dream of proceeding further, taking up a master's degree or a second course or something. I would love to teach biology or chemistry in high school or even in college. There are very many options, very many things to do, but so little time. We don't even know what our tomorrows may bring, how much more the many years ahead which God will graciously give us!
Right now, I am only praying that God would reveal to me soon before I graduate what His will for my life really is. Will my career be separate from my ministry? Or will it be my ministry? I pray God would soften my heart and only make it obedient and submissive to Him. I believe God would love to reveal what His purpose for our lives is. I believe He will not hide it from us, because He wants us to follow it and live a purposeful, fulfilled life here on earth. I don't want to make a mistake; I don't want to live in rebellion against what God wants for me. I want God's blessing and approval, His smile, upon my life:)

Journaling

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 01:20:00 +0000

I may not have been around my blog much, but I have been writing in my journal profusely these days. There are just so many things on my mind which I will never dare to write down here in public, but I have poured out in my journal. Writing them all down has helped clear up my mind a million times. To call your blog an online diary will sound like an oxymoron. It's just like calling it a public diary with your heart all open for others to see. I'm sure all of us will never like that. Yes, we write as much detail as we could into our blogs, but we will never write every hidden thought, every secret desire.. for personal reasons. Only God, and our journals, truly know what is in our heart.
I am an introvert. Sad to say, I usually write all about myself, my sorrows and joys. If I write in my blog as I would in my journal, I will never grab my readers' interest. My journal will never interest anyone but myself. I vent everything into my journal. It is my personal outlet.
As to my blog, I don't know what to call this as of now. I just know that my journal has been a very, very, very dear friend of mine lately.
But God is the best journal, the best friend anyone could have. A journal cannot give you real comfort or peace, but God can. And when you pray to Him, He answers. When you put your trust in Him, He helps, He strengthens. God is all we need.
P.S. If my mom discovers my journal, it is the end of me. Well, kinda.

Blunders

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Fri, 29 May 2009 05:04:00 +0000

This is a very late blog post for a big explosive thing that already happened one week ago, but I will blog my feelings about it anyway. I felt a mixture of feelings at his victory, a victory one would least expect. For one, I am disappointed because Adam definitely had the talent which makes him worthy of the title, and I think all of us agree at this point. In contrast to Adam, Kris never had faith in his talent. Each elimination night since the Top 5 I think, I notice that Kris was always expecting to get eliminated out of the competition any time, yet it never happened. The look of surprise on his face when he found out he was one of the Top 3! And an even greater look of surprise on his face when he found out he was included in the Top 2! And at last getting there, bagging the title himself, was I believe the greatest surprise of his life - and I will no longer describe the look of surprise on his face. This was perhaps the biggest blunder in Idol history, and even Simon, in his reaction at the announcement of Kris' victory, hated to admit it. (He did not give Kris a standing ovation.) This is what happens when popularity vote is the only criteria depended upon for a contestant to win. The judges' ratings ought to have a percentage too, so that the deserving contestant will have a chance. American Idol producers should think about changing their scoring system soon.But still, I am relieved. If Adam had won, I could never accept it. Yes, talent-wise, he definitely deserves it, but morally, he doesn't. I wouldn't want a pervert to win, even if he had all the talent and good looks in the world. Homosexuals are definitely not worthy to be Idolized, and even more homosexuals who are so blatant and proud about themselves. I'm happy that there are still more God-fearing and morally upright Americans out there, who chose to stand up for what they believe in and voted for Kris instead.

Note-Taking and Re-Writing

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Sun, 10 May 2009 11:53:00 +0000

I always forget time whenever I go to some school supply shop, and look around... the notebooks. At last, I bought a new one last Friday and have spent the last two days rewriting Sunday sermon notes from a dirty, old notebook (actually, it's neither dirty nor old). It's dirty because I have doodled my signatures all over its covers and throughout most of the pages together with the outlines and insights that I have written, and it's old because its almost a year old. I'm just choosy with notebooks, easily get bored with them, and dream one day to have a filled-up notebook with no pages torn, and neat handwriting all through-out (yep, it's still a dream till now).
Anyway, as I've been rewriting my notes on Sunday preachings (and even in sermon note-taking, I am not very faithful, as I've been noting the dates too. I really am very ningas-cogon), I've realized the value of note-taking and re-writing.
Once we note something heard or read or thought-of down, we are noting it down for life. These ideas are forever written on paper, never to be erased again - unless if they were written in pencil, or got burned in some fire. These are information which are now available for us to think of or put to good use. These information on paper now become one of our most valuable treasures, especially if such information are useful for the good of our own lives through making the most out of life. Information on how to develop our relationship with our Creator is most priceless. Only eternity knows the value of such... notes. =)
Now I discovered that my mom has been doing some re-writing of her own too, and because of this, we greatly enjoyed dear mother-daughter moments as we shared lessons learned through re-writing our notes. We agreed that re-writing can be a mentally, yes, even spiritually, enriching task. We have been reminded of so many things we thought we have never heard but we did, and forgot them. Our faith has been refreshed since through re-writing, we were "hearing" a sermon being preached again.
But the same principle goes for note-taking and re-writing thoughts and learnings at school, at home, even at some far-off island where we are vacationing. If we could only write our whole lives down, we could fill up libraries and libraries and libraries. And a future librarian like me will never lose a job. Haha!

Pride and Humility

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Fri, 08 May 2009 01:28:00 +0000

I often wonder why we are always stunned or in shock after every victory Manny Pacquiao brings for the Philippines. His boxing campaigns are always so unbelievable. Just last Sunday, May 3, he again won another feat. He's already had as of now six straight victories.Pacman is the pride of the Philippines, and he unites all Filipinos with his every punch. By all, I mean all, even our own snatchers and holdupers, taxi and jeepney drivers, men and women, young and old, in our country. Whenever Manny Pacquiao fights live, the statistics say that the Philippines all over has ZERO crime rate, totally crime-free, since even criminals are watching the television. When it is in the middle of the day, streets are supposed to be filled with busy, unruly jeepneys racing with each other to get the passengers waiting at the next block. But whenever he fights, all streets are so hushed and quiet you can hear a pin drop (Just kidding! But I exaggerate to show the great comparison).

Now, days after his recent fight with Ricky Hatton, Filipinos - in all sorts of public places from bus terminals to jeepneys to every street corner - are still all abuzz about this living boxing legend. It is just so unbelievable for us humble Filipinos, who have always been stricken with a low self-esteem before other countries, especially before European and American countries who are so progressive economically. But what makes it even more unbelievable is the scare and nervousness it always gives us when Pacquiao's opponents speak so highly of their abilities and accomplishments before their upcoming fights. This is mostly true of Ricky Hatton, who sounded quite boastful, to me. Perhaps God had humbled him. If Pacquiao begins to boast of his abilities, it may also mark the end of his career, for,

"God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." (James 4:6) And,

"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18)

Pride is God's worst enemy, for it is the root of all sin. Both words have the letter i in the middle, which means the proud person is the selfish person who thinks only of himself and his own good, his own reputation, his own benefit. It is the hardest sin to conquer and even the humblest, maturest Christians fall prey to this sin, this attitude in their hearts. For even when we begin to realize we are humble, then we are proud. All glory then rightfully and only belongs to God, who deserves it all.
The principles of the Bible remain true not only in boxing but in our own everyday lives. God honors the humble in heart - those people who think not of themselves, or trust not in their own abilities, but commit all their ways to the Lord, knowing that He alone controls all things.

I am "Blogsurrected"

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Sat, 02 May 2009 06:49:00 +0000

This blog had been dormant for ages. It seems there is something "bloggery" about the month of May for me. I have started this blog in May, and my blogging vigor has once again been renewed in May. I feel very frustrated, and dare not call myself a writer, for I am far from being one. I had resolved a year back to make a habit out of writing and learn to love it, but it still does not seem to be true. I always have some spare time even during school days, but I easily choose other activities and hobbies which do not stimulate my mind to thinking more worthwhile things. Thus, I almost could not forgive myself and nearly deleted this blog so I could start from scratch. But after what seemed like an eternity of deliberation, I have decided to keep this blog. I just can't delete it! Even if I have been a very, very, very unfaithful blogger, even if I am fearful for my identity, or fearful that I have been a little too personal, or fearful about all my other fears, even with all these, I cannot delete this blog!I cannot bear losing all the memories, prayers, insights, thoughts, and ideas etched in this blog. I cannot bear losing all the friendships and connections I've already made through this precious blog. This is a blog I have started very passionately, and it is a blog that will continue to live as long as I do, for my heart is in it and I have dedicated it to God's glory. Like me, it has been a discouragement and a failure, but as I have risen, so my blog will too. But now, such drama, for a mere blog! If no one welcomes me back, I welcome myself back then! =)

I am a Ningas Cogon

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 12:06:00 +0000

I have been visiting this blog of mine all the while, even during my busiest times. Not being able to squeeze in even just a sentence or two, mostly out of laziness, I already knew it from the way my blog life was breathing. My enthusiasm for blogging has been downgrading through the months. I was still sort of fiery last May when this blog was born, keeping up though obviously slowly going down the spiral in June, and staying alive though already at the end of my rope with only one post for July. I really am so ningas cogon, sure evidence that I am a natural-born Filipina, yet one trait my heritage surely is not proud of. I am like cogon dry grass which blazes furiously when set alight, but only for a few minutes before going to cold ashes. I am only super-enthusiastic but for a brief time - and this, is bad.
I am just happy that it isn't that bad. I'm back again! And I hope I will be more faithful, not just to plain writing and sharpening my writing skills, but to put my heart into my writing and be a blessing to people who might wander into this little haven.

Wasting Not My Blog

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 10:14:00 +0000

I had planned to preserve school projects in this blog, and in fact, I had begun typing, well, plays. I realized however the futility of it all. Ranting and rambling is just as meaningless as keeping online soft copies of my stuff. I agree with Solomon. Everything is meaningless if not done for God. Better read Ecclesiastes and tell me what you think. That's why I keep repeating the same thought, the same hope, the same prayer in nearly every post. By His grace and help, I seek to please God with every little post, every little thought. If there is one thing I greatly fear, that is: everything I have done here would just be burnt down to wood, hay, and stubble when God refines them by fire on that Day. I do pray I will not be wasting time and effort, not just on this blog, but my very life.

Only One Life

Two little lines I heard one day, Traveling along life's busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart, And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, 'twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in 'that day' my Lord to meet, And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,'twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice, Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave, And to God's holy will to cleave;
Only one life, 'twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years, Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill, living for self or in His will;
Only one life, 'twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore, When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way, Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, 'twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep, In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e'er the strife, Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, 'twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn, And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone, Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, "twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one, Now let me say,"Thy will be done";
And when at last I'll hear the call, I know I'll say "twas worth it all";
Only one life,'twill soon be past, Only what's done for Christ will last.

You and I have only one life. Let's not waste it. Actually, this post came as an inspiration from a book I have just begun reading, Don't Waste Your Life. It's a really inspiring, thought-provoking book. This is why I find reading a lot more profitable than writing. I hope John Piper will forgive me for using his title on my blog post.

What Was is better than What Is

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 13:50:00 +0000

I have been reading some of my posts from an old blog. I consider it old since I haven't updated it for a year, yet it's still alive since I haven't deleted it. I felt I was preaching at me. Something like, the past me is now preaching to the present me, as I read on. This was one of those really honest ones. I entitled it "Temptation".

"I hate this book! Every time I want to rest, it just calls out to me, 'Kimmy,' and I can't do anything but grab it!" The moment my classmate said that, some inspiration came into my head, like those muses of Greek literature:) to write something about it once I get home. One word came to my head: temptation. And one that we, when faced with it, would just itch so much to yield to it; that we couldn't bear not to yield to it.

Lami lang jud kaayo. Irresistibly tempting. Especially when it's the things we enjoy most, the things we love most. When we love something so much, we lose track of time while we were doing that thing we love (whether it's books, TV, texting, or internet). Or take for example, the itch to eat junk food when our kidneys are already failing. On the other hand, the itch to eat ice creams and cakes and whatever cookies there are that satisfy that sweet tooth even if we have diabetes - even if we know we have diabetes. Why do the bad things have to be the yummy ones? Why do we have to love those things that do us harm? Why do we love to flirt with temptation? Ngano lami man jud kaayo?

Even the most disciplined, most Spirit-filled Christian is faced with such struggles. In fact, I recently learned that the deeper your walk is with God, the greater the temptation - the greater the struggle the temptation. While we're in this sinful world, the temptation is there. The more we fight it, the bigger it seems to get. It's an undefeatable foe! And sin has to be there, the desire that wants us to displease God and yield to the temptation. Well, I've just said the answer to my questions earlier: sin. The bad things are the yummy ones because we are sinful. We love those things that do us harm because we are sinful. We love to flirt with temptation because we are sinful. It's irresistible because we are sinful, we just love to sin.

But it's not an undefeatable foe for the Christians who have placed their trust in Christ alone as Savior and Lord. We can look to Jesus, the Author and Perfector of our faith. We have victory through Jesus Christ our Lord our strength:)

As I read that two years later, I couldn't believe such simple, encouraging words came from myself. I know I have lost that capability. I pray God will bring me back to Him, back to that past state of my heart, where though I was just as imperfect as ever, my love for my Lord was more evident as it should be... pure, honest, uncompromising. Lord, show me the ancient paths. Lead me along eternal highways. And I know that improvement in my technical writing will just follow.

Little Hyped-Up Joys

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Mon, 26 May 2008 11:50:00 +0000

I hadn't even given the summer air a chance to take over me when I already felt quite hyped up over the petty little ritual students had to go through just before the start of classes: enrollment. Like a new freshie, I get all so hyped up and excited for it, I never had more trouble sleeping! Haha. I think the hyperness lessened for a bit this term though. Last sem was the worst because it was my very first time plotting my schedule. It just so hypes me! (And I don't know how many times I've used that word already!)
However because of such hyperness (again, that word), a thought struck me. In my heart of hearts, I realized I love plotting my life, imagining the future and all the what-ifs. I had been sharing these what-ifs to Leen, a very close friend, until one day, she told me it was wrong to imagine such things, even if they were simple dreams and little hopes of a possible future. I guess she meant I was presuming on God, on His will for me. I was planning my tomorrows, when I don't even know what that day would bring. I was boasting about my tomorrows, forgetting the fact that we never know."
Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil (James 4:13-16)."
On being hyped-up, I do sincerely believe these feelings aren't at all evil. It's alright to have such little joys once in a while, and I believe God is not a kill-joy. He does want us happy and not miserable. It is when such feelings exceed their limit that they become evil. I guess that too-much-of-everything statement goes for this situation too.

The Paradox of Organizing

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Mon, 26 May 2008 09:47:00 +0000

Sheeesh! to one of the great paradoxes in my life. I don't think it can be considered an expression, much less a word so I guess we should just call it as it is... Sheeesh is a cry of desperation. I think however, it is the type of desperation which is not desperate. Sheeesh is more of a cry of not-so-desperate desperation, if you get what I mean. I think I can best classify such desperation as some sort of petty desperation; therefore, a not-so-desperate desperation.
See? Because of such ramblings, I have accidentally created another paradox to add to my library of paradoxical statements and situations. Speaking of libraries, I am soon to work in one in the coming days. By that I mean, a year or two from now. It will be my second year of being a library and information science major this opening term, and with no thought of shifting to another curriculum as long as I still have that peace of mind knowing it's God's will for me.
The trouble lies here.
I am not able to organize my ideas well. My cerebellum (or cerebrum? correct me if I'm wrong, science-bent friends) can't cope up with all the thinking, be they heavy or light. This results in mindless writing, which goes nowhere. The career I had chosen, on the other hand, involves cataloging and cleaning up and... organizing. I can easily organize books and many other external things, but not thoughts. I hope that through blogging, blogging, and more blogging, I can work on this that my writing will improve for the better. This is my third purpose for this blog: writing practice (the first of which is to please God, and the second of which is to be my personal outlet).
I believe, however, that organizing of the things internal will never reach perfection in this life. Perhaps we simply have to live with such paradoxes, and infinitely many others in our lives. ^^
To note, I am not a bookworm, but there's just something in my blood that goes out to books. Yes I love books (usually those that tend my faith in God or some clean ones that simply entertain), but I feel I have lost all the love just when I decided to pursue the degree (oh no, not another paradox). That's why I am working and continuing to work at developing this love with more reading and less television, less computers... less technology. I hope the reading will far exceed the blogging; nevertheless, I think they are both very beneficial hobbies.
As to the choosing of such a degree to pursue (perhaps this portion is some sort of a reply to Adette's post Future's Uncertainty), I still don't have much to say for now, save this verse which I wish to share with you. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9)." This is be very much related to choosing a course; in fact, it can be taken literally. But then we never know for sure whether the jobs God will give us in the future will even be related to the course we have planned out for ourselves, the degree we have chosen. We will only know when the time comes. As of yet, we simply have to go with the flow, continue on with our responsibilities, and let God take care of the rest. God bless you!

Missing Daddy

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Fri, 23 May 2008 03:59:00 +0000

When alone with him, Daddy had asked me several times if I loved him. I often reply that I do. But I was very careful every time I say that. I knew that it would mean obeying my parents in everything. Usually I fail in doing so, but Daddy had always been there, encouraging me to keep up. Nevertheless, I strived on with my best along with God’s wisdom, and I didn’t regret that I tried to be the best of daughters a few days before this happened. At least I gave him a good memory of me. I also recall him asking me that if given a chance to say something about him, what should I say? He wanted my answer in front of him. I now regret why he never heard my answer. He asked me that twice, and it always brought tears to my eyes, because I could only imagine this day.
Daddy is the best father someone as wayward as me could ever have. It was because of Daddy that I learned to love God. He somehow manages to slip God into our everyday conversation in the car, at home… even in malls. But what Philip and I usually observe when he picks us up from school or wherever we are is that he just praises God in a low voice. My father lived in the presence of God. Even these small things that I saw made me desire for more and more love for God. It was because of Daddy that I see and continue seeing how worthy God is to be praised and obeyed in spite of our circumstances. When he first had TB, he didn’t stop attending the prayer meetings. He loved opportunities to still continue preaching. His allergies didn’t stop him from praising God. Now that he’s with the Lord, and there’s no more problems in Heaven, there’s no stopping him from worshipping God there because there are no more TB germs and allergies. I know that if God gave him a choice whether to live or die, he would choose to be with God, because even his struggles with sin will all be cut off. Even with this great grief that he’s gone, there is a peace and happiness for Daddy who is already enjoying the best of God’s presence up there.
Because of Daddy's life that I have seen, I shall continue on in God, and even my grief won't make me pause for a while from giving God all the glory. I know this is what he would want me to do. I don't know what I could have done if God did not give me such a father who reflected His very love for me. And I am sure that God will never cease to be my Father.

These were my words exactly three years ago when God took my Dad home.
Very clearly, I remember when my voice started to break; it was when I spoke that phrase I could only imagine this day. I remember my Kuya Glenn hugging me tight and hushing me while our pastor prayed for us. I remember staying away from the crowd with my mom and my two brothers at another side of the cemetery because we couldn't bear to watch the casket. I remember forgetting about my poor cousin Patrick, whom I had deserted when we were about to present our song then. And I remember Auntie Eve's words as I was looking up at the still sky, "And so begins a new chapter in your life."
If there is any person I really really want to have a conversation with right now, it's Daddy. I haven't really shared every thought and struggle with him. Perhaps that was because I was still 14 then, and maybe didn't really do much thinking as I do now. But I do miss him. It gets me teary-eyed sometimes, though rarely. Perhaps the wound has sort of healed, and I simply owe that to God and no one, nothing else. He had promised from the very beginning that He would now be the one to take care of our family, of me. "The Lord... sustains the fatherless and the widow... (Psalm 146:9)" He is my comfort. Though I still cannot understand His ways, I trust in His wisdom and His love, and that He will never do anything to harm His children, but that He works everything with perfect precision for their good. As the years have gone by, I have begun see a little bit of that perfect plan He has for me, how the events have turned out for His glory and my good. God is altogether lovely, and altogether perfect, holy, righteous, and good. He's been faithful and has sustained me and my family till this very day. I am forever grateful that I know my Lord and my Lord knows me.

Archuleta Idol!

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Thu, 22 May 2008 13:14:00 +0000

This season was the very first time I've ever watched Idol. I blame it all on Archuleta. If he wasn't so adorable and likable and... beautiful! I knew it the moment I first laid eyes on him. And that was before I even heard him perform his audition piece Waiting on the World to Change. I loved him immediately, despite the fear that he might not even make it to Hollywood because of that throat operation thing he talked about. But he did! I nearly died when I heard him sing. I love his voice... and everything about him! I want to squish him, snug his head off and dangle him from my rear view mirror! Hee. Got that from Paula. I think it looks really evil when read, but if you heard her say it, it was in a tone which was very much overcome by him. I don't know. There's just something (and only goodness knows what that thing could be) about him that makes people (the girls really) like him. He's indescribable! ^^
But anyway, it happened when I first saw him play the piano. I guess you now wonder what happened. I died. I almost died when he sang, but when I saw him play the piano and sing, my soul actually left me for a few minutes, floated into the television, and went to the Idol studio. Haha. This must be true love. Sigh. That's why this is my all-time favorite Youtube video:

And that's why I'm really depressed today. If you don't know why, you should just find out. I don't even want to mention it. I want to agree with the majority, but my heart doesn't want to agree. I love David A! I don't know what's with that other guy. I don't know. I'm sorry if I've offended the loyalists of that other guy. This post is Archuleta's territory. Heee.
I just prefer the emotional balladeers who play the piano and sing sad, slow songs, than those rockers who rock around with their distortions and stuff. You see, I love soothing music and all the emotion it brings. And I'm 17. And play the piano.
Well, I guess I just have to admit. Perhaps there was some sort of bias from the start. But anyway, nothing can change that fact. I love Archuleta and he's the only one for me! And maybe, just maybe, this will be the first and only season of Idol for me.

Frustrated Bloggista

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Tue, 20 May 2008 05:32:00 +0000

What makes up a successful blog? What determines successful blogging? I feel I am a frustrated blogger. The reasons? At first, it was more of technical. It is primarily seeing a post (or worse, a series of posts) with 0 as in ZERO comments. I once encountered a blogger who added this message in her comment box, I LOVE comments. They are little tiny ego boosts. Please boost away. I love how she said that. She actually said that unsaid desire in every blogger. Heee. We may not admit it, but we might as well admit. We do love comments. For the days to come, I don't think I can ever change that fact in my blogging heart no matter how hard I may try to deny it. And so, I just discovered that I stated it wrongly up there. It is more of technical. But it goes much more than the mere comments. It is actually not the comments that make the big deal but the people behind every comment, the heart behind them. I don't know, but thanks-for-dropping-by comments depress me to some extent. Hehee. It sounds sort of hanging, and we would like something more than that. We hope these people would talk to us as we have talked to them through our posts. We love the long, meaty comments our thinking readers leave for our eyes and mind to savor and feast on.
It seems that even in the blogging world, people are made for each other. Not in the romantic sense (hee) okay? I don't think even the most emo person on the face of the planet can survive without opening his mouth to talk. Well, he may not utter a word at all, but the depression in his heart cannot be contained. He just has to let it all out on paper. Even the emo-est person wants to be heard. That's where all those emo quotes came from. People have this sort of automatic system in them that simply wants to socialize and makes them want to talk about anything and everything. That system is in me and you, in my blog and yours. It's the comment system.
That's what I'm presently frustrated about. I have first embarked on the great blogging adventure when I was 14. I have lived through more than ten blogs (of course not all at once! hehe). But I fear I have never created that world, that magically warm and lively place which only interacting people could create in a glaring screen on a plain computer monitor. I fear I never will have blog which is alive and kicking. I hope I won't have a hibernating blog this time.
But then again, I guess I'm just impatient with my new-born baby blog. ^^

Searching My Blogging Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Mon, 19 May 2008 14:39:00 +0000

If I do have faithful visitors coming to this little page, invisible as you all are, I thank you.
I have decided to revolutionize my blog. After searching my blogging heart these past days, I have found out some disturbing things that have led me to this revolutionizing. Those are the contradictions within me that have somehow been reflected on my blog. It seems they went past the boundaries of me without any difficulty at all.I feel the content of my sidebar contradicting the content of my posts. Readers may not notice the slightest difference. Only I do. And God.
Blogs have personality, and they take on the personality of their owners. Whatever happens in a blog somehow reflects, in one way or another, the heart of the man behind it. Even the most hypocritical blogger can leave the littlest trace of the real him in his blog. That was what has happened to my sidebar and my posts. The sidebar clearly desires to glorify God, while my posts vaguely reflect that. Verses may be quoted and even expounded, but the reality of God is not seen. There is an emptiness, a lack in those posts, that's why I have cleaned them up. I don't want to settle for the form. I don't want a holier-than-thou air around my blog.Even till this very moment, I continue my blogging heart searching. That's why please bear with me and the renovations I may be making now and then. I am still clearing up the weeds in my head and heart.
I do not want to dedicate this blog to any actor or actress. Nor do I want to dedicate this blog to my mom. All the more will I not dedicate this blog to my cat! And I do not want to dedicate this blog to my own thoughts, desires, and struggles, because they will benefit neither you nor me. If ever there will be such a record of them, looking at them will simply depress me or stress you. No one would want to read such a dreary, discouraging blog. And perhaps no one would want to read a blog with marks of God on it either. But the latter would be much more profitable for eternity. I would benefit you and me, and it pleases God. I know I still lack so much passion and faith in God. I have my numerous failures and weaknesses. But despite that, I will endeavor give my best in this blog. For whether I eat or drink or blog or whatever I do, I will do it all for the glory of God.

Mother's Day Hangover

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Mon, 19 May 2008 13:30:00 +0000

I hope my mood will start calming down and get a bit serious. I've had quite enough of Mr. Bae for the past days already, thanks to my beloved mother. I have to admit though that it's my fault anyway, playing around with the Bae-Virus. It has infected my blog with three different spy wares (I mean pictures)! To see how the serious the infection is, please click here.
And I hope it's still not too late to write another post dedicated to Mama. I'm still within an eight-day radius of Mother's day anyway. ^^
This was already the second question (found it here) so I can't say I stumbled upon it. I just found it more timely, and I am in some sort of a hangover. I still feel like writing mother-posts.
The first question, the one I stumbled upon, had a much more sentimental answer than this one, that's why I chose to post about this first. Here goes...
What is the greatest lesson you learned from your mother or a mom like figure in your life?
I believe it is unconditional love. It is because of Mama's love for me that I will never trade her for any other in the world. Just today, I have been lazying around again. I feel quite guilty as I'm typing these words now. I feel I take the years from her whenever I am not being the daughter God wants me to be. Sometimes, I wonder where Mama got all her love for us, her kids. It is a kind of love which is faithful and persevering. It is a kind of love which gives up everything. It shares, even in the littlest things as peanuts or candy. I always childishly think, why does she have to give up her chocolates and ice cream for us? If I were in her place, I would really eat my share. Very gratefully.
But then, it is mother's love, quite different from all the other loves, but the kind which has already defined what true agape love should be. Everyday, I am grateful to God for giving me a mother like her. I am grateful to God for all the love, both the corrections and caresses. I can't imagine life without the care and guidance of my mother. By God's grace and help, I want to be like my Mama. I want to have a love like Mama's when my turn comes. Ma, if you're reading this, then Belated Happy Mother's Day!!!

That Mister Bae Guy

noreply@blogger.com (Raine) — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:24:00 +0000

Whenever I see this guy, be it on the net, on tv, or in the streets (haha), I am reminded of my beloved mom. When Mama's around, I cannot talk hastily about him. All the more, I cannot make fun. I am very much cautious with my tongue when it comes to this guy. My mom reveres him; she could almost worship him (no, that's too much. heheheee). Anyway, I'd like to talk about this guy, my mom, and the love between them.

She first met him in Seoul hotel in April of last year. He was introduced as Frank, Attorney Frank Shin. I guess it was love at first sight. She loved him when she found out what a romantic man he was. She didn't mind at all if her love for Mr. Shin Dong-Hyuk (his name in Korean) was unrequited. And she didn't hate Suh Jin-Young, her (shall I say?) rival. But she believed and loved him for his heart; he gives up everything for love. She loved him all the more because he goes to church (and brought his woman along), has a beautiful body (she nearly fell off her seat when she saw him swim. he was simply hot), is very much wealthy (he's a lawyer, by the way), and intelligent (and poetic; he was the one who said that Faith is believing the impossible). I guess she must have really fallen, and hit hard.
Her love for him never grew cold as the days and months went by. She spent her days learning more and more about him. He was her inspiration for the little joys in life. Because of him, she learned to love television, the net, and chit-chatting about guys (actually, her guy) with her daughter (yes, that's me!) and her friends. One day, in a little island off the coast of Korea (I believe that was in Jeju Isle), she quite unexpectedly came upon him again, now in the form of Kang Joon-Sang (a.k.a. Lee Min-Hyung) . He was the same manly Frank Shin she had always known, just with a different hairstyle and a fresher smile. Too bad Mr. Kang was with another girl, Jung Yu-Jin, at that time in Jeju, sadly trying to recover his memory from his past life (Mr. Shin perhaps? haha. just experimenting with the two different stories). She missed the kind and gentlemanly Mr. Shin. This Mr. Kang (he believed he really was Mr. Lee at that time) was at first so arrogant and brooding. He only got rid of it when he fell in love. And it was unrequited love. Again. As I said, my mom didn't mind it at all. She was simply happy with the fact that the man she loved was happy, though with another woman.
She didn't expect to meet him a third time, but it seems this was their most peculiar encounter ever. She met him under the most unexpected circumstances. She, an ordinary single mom who fell in love with an extraordinary perfect man, actually time-traveled back to ancient Korea. Mr. Shin here, or you might also say Mr. Kang, now has a third alias, Mr. Dam-Deok. It sounds quite awkward and seems they didn't have surnames then, but since we're in this present highly-advancing world, I think it would be fine to add a title of Mister to his name. Now, this Mr. Dam-Deok; he is obviously a totally different creature from head to toe. He has beautifully long hair (we have a similar hairstyle with the bangs and stuff. Heheh. His is longer though). He wears majestic armor, knows how to wield a sword, and gallantly rides his horse! Now that's something the other two didn't have (they had cellphones and computers though). However, Dam-Deok lives in the past. It is a most painful truth that my mom and all her other rivals and sisters in the family have to accept. They, in the present, surely cannot have him, in comparison to Su-Jini. She has captured his heart. Despite that fact, they continue to love him and always will.

Now, till this very solemn moment, it seems I still haven't introduced this fellow for who he really is. But, before I continue, I'd like to clear things up a bit. As proof that I have not felt such feelings of love whatsoever towards the aforesaid man (hmmm. sounds very attorney-like), I have just found out a big blunder (and a few others which Onni-BB didn't specify. heheee. now I can't avoid mentioning her) regarding this narrative I've written for my mom. This big blunder is the solid proof: I have given many reasons for my mom to love the aforementioned guy, when the guy Mr. Kang (or Mr. Lee) himself said, "Love knows no reasons." My mom had confessed herself that until now she doesn't really know why she had fallen for him. And I gave too many reasons (heheee). Another thing. I write this because I love my mom, and feel her intense fiery love for the guy (hehe). One thing I'm sure of though, her love for me and my brother is far more intense, far more fiery than any love she may feel for some guy. I write this because I want to thank my mom for her love.

Thank you, Ma. I'm really sorry for the many times I've been a disappointment to you. But everyday, I thank God for you. I will never exchange you for any other mom in the world. I love you. Happy Mother's Day:)

And lastly, I want to thank God for this triple-personality guy whom He's brought into my mom's life. This guy made my mom smile again. I'm sure it was quite obvious from the very beginning who this guy is. I don't even have to write his name here, but, because I'm grateful, I'd gladly write it. It's Mr. Bae Yong-Joon.