Life's Remains....

Humanity: from the lucid mind of a Covid19 infested person.

2021-12-03T17:57:00.004+08:00

Hello...

It's me, again. I don't know how anybody is going to read this, because I have deactivated my Facebook account... my Instagram too. It's interesting to see people's reactions when I told them this. Mostly, it's a sharp intake of breath and a sympathetic "why". I guess they assumed I was cyberbullied into deactivation. No... It was a mistake. I should never have even registered for any socmed (social media for those uninitiated). I hate it, people sharing their lives, what they eat and drink and where they were eating and drinking, how far they have walked or run or cycled, with whom they are doing things, who they met today or yesterday, where they are now in the world, what their cute babies or cats are doing, what plants they are planting, what fruits they have harvested... I don't really want to know about what you guys are doing with your lives unless I am responsible (partly) for bringing you into this horrible place. For that, my children, I seek your forgiveness.

This is a horrible place... full of creatures that do only two things, multiply and pollute. Humans are so bloody arrogant and so utterly stupid. They pollute the earth then they try to "save" it. The earth is so big, humans are just microbes living on its surface. The earth has been around for billions of years, surviving bombardments of cosmic radiation and giant meteor, and it will still be around when humans either become extinct or move on to pollute other planets (Mars are already littered with human-made junks).

Mother Nature has been trying to get rid of humans but these annoying creatures are resilient. Floods, drought, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunami, volcanoes erupting, deadly diseases... nothing affects these things. Well, not really nothing, they do moan about millions of them dying of something, yet their numbers never declined... within the last decade, they added 800,000,000 of themselves onto the earth. That's 80 million poor little humans a year being forced into this world...

In the past 2 years, there were a coronavirus outbreak that killed about 5 million humans... 5 million humans in two years... humans are sad and devastated so, to overcome the deficit, they produced 80 million newborns in 2021.

Humans are worried about global warming, climate change and work so hard to stem it again telling themselves, we must save this planet... no, they want only to save themselves from the ignorance and greed of their ancestors. The humans are the source of their own misery...

So... should I care about the cakes you bake? Or, your vacations or your weddings or your runs or your rides or kids or your cats or your inevitable birthdays, or how long you have been married or what you are having for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper, or late supper?

Sharing is not caring... it's just free advertising and I just hate advertisement.

Well no one will accuse me of advertising this blog... because no one will read it...

I love/hate MCO

2021-04-09T14:49:00.000+08:00

The vaccines are here... spelling the beginning of the end of Covid19... or at least we hope so. But, it is really just hope upon hope. Because, as vaccines are being spread (by health workers) in most parts of the world, we still hear of lockdowns happening here and there. And the virus is mutating. New strains are being discovered, having higher infectivity. I guess Covid wants to live just like any other living creature.

My employer has announced that beginning this month (April 2021) everybody must come to work in the office. No more working from home. Which is OK. I mean (in case my boss reads this blog) I love my job but dread going through the traffic jams in the morning and then again in the evening. I miss the easy smooth drive to and from work during the MCO when I had to come to the office to sign some physical documents, but even during the CMCO and RMCO, when we are allowed to move around a bit more, the traffic build-up at roadblocks gave me a glimpse of things to come when things go back to those pre-pandemic days.

And being an introvert who feels awkward when dealing with humans emotions and protocols, the lockdowns have freed me from the guilt of not attending weddings and funerals. I envy those who got married or married off their children or those who died during the MCO. Everything was as practical as can be, focused on the essentials of solemnizing the bride and groom (not to mention the amount of money you save for not having a reception) and, when you die, the masjid people or the mortuary workers at hospitals bathe you, wrap you up, pray for you and bury you. No need to wait for some far-flung children or siblings to rush to your side just to see your face before they put you into the ground.

I do miss traveling, going on vacations, locally, or if the annual bonus is good, overseas, preferably, where there's snow. I miss road trips going down to Muar or JB and I can't remember when was the last time we were in Singapore. We did manage to squeeze in a trip to Langkawi in July. By "we" I mean my wife and me, our four children and one 4 months pregnant daughter-in-law, and of course my mother-in-law. We all agreed that it was the best trip to Langkawi ever, mostly because there weren't many people around. My favorite activity was island hopping and frolicking in the clear garbage-free sea since we were the first humans to visit after the islands were deserted for months due to the MCO.

Ramadhan is approaching and hopefully, I will get a chance to perform Tarawikh prayer at a mosque... Last Ramadhan, we did it at home, but I only know the short surahs, so my makmum only hears the same thing every night... it was fun, though, and to a certain extent, less stressful because we have more time since we don't have to rush to the mosque after iftar and Maghrib prayers to find a parking space.

It does look like things are getting back to normal. Some people may look forward to it... but I have mixed feelings about that. Because there's one more thing just as dreadful as driving 3 kilometers an hours on the NKVE.... that is ironing my work clothes.

New Normal

2020-11-27T14:05:00.000+08:00

Change is the only constant in life.

This time last year I was just a father, and now I am also a father-in-law. And, God willing, by the beginning of next year I will be a grandfather. Things have been changing so fast for me that, sometimes, I feel there things in my life I forgot to attend to. And, sometimes I am frustrated that I am helpless to do anything to make things go the way I want it to be. It frustrates me to feel like a victim. I am not a victim.

When my firstborn told me that she will be posted to Sabah, my heart sank. The furthest she had been away from me was when she decided that she wanted to rent an apartment in Kajang to be near her workplace, the Kajang Hospital. In my head, then, I tried to find a solution so she can stay at home and commute to work, but the work schedule as a houseman, her odd working hours (I never really got a grasp on it, "on-call" and "post-call" and tagging and clerking... ), we agreed that it is better and safer for her to move to Kajang.

Now that her housemanship is complete, as a medical officer, Dr. Nurhayati Syazwani is required to serve her country at the current epicenter of Covid infection. Maybe I am being overly dramatic, but I suppose this is how it feels when a father had to send his child to war. My mind raced to find ways to get her out, but deep in my heart, I know she has to go. We could send in an appeal to the government, but, we can't think of a solid enough reason for an appeal... and the very fact that we had to think of a reason to appeal actually meant we have no grounds for it. And appealing makes us feel like victims. We are not victims.

We moved to our new home in August. Perhaps, it was an emotional decision... but, then I will have to go back another year to blame my emotions for buying a house when, in all practicality, I don't really need one. I can justify it as being another item being struck off my imaginary bucket list, but, logically, it was closer to folly than a necessity. Let's face it, this house costs me half of my life savings, yet, half of it still belongs to Maybank. So now I have to continue to work until I die.... to gain full ownership of my new home. Don't get me wrong, I love this new house of mine. My real regret, actually, is that I should have done this sooner... But, for the last 14 years, I was too comfortable living rent-free in my mother-in-law's house... God bless her.

But, buying the house (and parting with my life savings) has made my mind working again. I am now forced to find an alternative stream of income, for my sustenance beyond my retirement. It has me writing again. Who knows, maybe another book will come out in 2021. Watch for it... I won't be a victim.

My wife and I have also started a garden. She plants all the herbs, and vegetables, while I planted a few fruit trees. When I say "I", I mean I got the guy from the plant nursery to come by and dig the hole and plant the trees in the ground. We have chilli plants (the api and the big type), eggplant plant, tomato, curry leaves, calamansi and kaffir limau (limau purut), pak choi, mint, coriander and kesum leaves. We also have a chekonan mango tree, a rambutan tree and a longan ping-pong tree. The mango tree is already bearing fruit... just one though... hopefully, we'll get a taste. Gardening is so engrossing and therapeutic, I sometimes feel I don't want to do anything else. But, then I have to go to work to buy back the portion of my house that still belongs to Maybank...

Well, 2020 was one hell of a ride. Businesses folded and jobs were lost, children have not gone to school for a long time, family members are separated for long periods and people are discovering new talents they never thought they have. Work and play, lives and livelihood have taken new shapes and form. Office and home can be one and the same place.

My grandson will be growing up in this new universe born on the other side of a pandemic, in a world that none of us has any experience with. I really have no right to say to him, "this is how we used to do it..." because how we use to do it isn't relevant anymore. We will teach him how to speak, walk, run.... but, we will soon become obsolete to these post-pandemic children. It's their world that we are living in.

We don't know how long the virus will still haunt us. Vaccines seem close to being a reality, but, the uncertainty of how effective it will be, what the side-effects will be, or, perhaps, by the time the billion of humans were vaccinated, the virus mutates and we'll have a new Covid21 pandemic.

But, let's hope for the best and prepare for the worst. The best thing that can happen, is that we're still alive, and COVID has not found its way to your lungs. Wear a mask... stay safe. Don't be a victim.

Things unsaid

2020-02-29T16:49:00.001+08:00

Today, my son got married.

As relatives and friends congratulated me for gaining a daughter-in-law, my feelings are mixed. But, looking at him sitting on the dais with his new wife, I can't help but felt a loss. Or, more precisely, a feeling of losing him too soon. Suddenly, I felt that I haven't given him all he deserves from a father. I just felt I should have given him more... More love, more advice, more annoying anecdotes about life, more dad jokes. In spite of the brave front that I was showing... I am not sure I was ready to let him go. Not that he's going anywhere... but, I am no longer his sole source of fatherly love, fatherly advice, and fatherly embarrassments. Suddenly, I remember how he liked to push a plastic chair on the front porch when he was a toddler and his laughter at the sound it made. I remember him singing you are my sunshine while pooping when he comes home from kindergarten. I remember him begging us to take him to the beach in Langkawi because he wants to "diyut" ... mandi laut...

He belongs to others... he has another family.

I love you, Afiq. Good luck on your new journey... I pray you and Aika will have the happiest times of your new lives.

Turning Golden

2019-11-13T13:09:00.001+08:00

Just checked my EPF account, and I saw that they have created an "Akaun Warga Emas" for me. This account, apparently, is where my salary deductions will be placed from now on. I am grateful to Allah for the rezeki, but I now have one major concern. I am healthy, but not wealthy.

Health is wealth, they say, but you will need to be wealthy to be healthy. Healthcare ain't cheap. Now, as I am still gainfully employed, my employer is forking out the expenses for my health care. I still have five years to go, but, I have a kidney condition that requires me to take medications. If I do not have to see the doctor (which I have reduced the frequency from quarterly to half-yearly) the cost of the meds alone is about RM120 a month. That is if my kidney (I have only one functioning) does not deteriorate further. From, my calculation, I will have exhausted my EPF in 3 to 4 years, after I pay off all my liabilities to the bank.

So, I now must find another source of income. Preferably, a passive one. In my spare time, (I have been skipping lunch, to lose weight, but end up gorging down dinner, so that's not working), I googled on ways to make money and, disappointingly, all of them require me to work on something, like writing a blog that everybody wants to read (eye roll emoji), or sell digital things that people can download, or buy a property and rent it out... I mean, sure, if I am twenty or thirty years old, I have the time and energy to slog night and day creating something that may (or may not) be popular (or viral in today's speak) that will, in turn, make me money while I play with my grandchildren or tend my garden or trim my bonsai tree. Bonsai trees aren't cheap, also.

Also, as I get older, I get lazier and crankier. Because, when you have lived a long time and you realize how stupid you were when you were young, and you see the young people around you doing all the stupid things that you did when you were their age, you get exasperated, and you get angry. Because you try to talk to them to tell them, don't do this you dumb kids you'll regret it when you get old, and they just look at you like you are some old annoying smart-ass trying to tell them what to do with their lives. Then again, that is what you are... an old annoying smart-ass.

But, I don't have much choice. Many times, as I stare out blankly into the tail light of the car in front on my way home from work, I wished that, if only I can transplant my current brain into my twenty-year-old self, I would have been a Jack Ma or, at least, a Tony Fernandez. If I had not been so calculative about time for leisure and lepaking, and realize that my potential is so much more that I give myself credit for, I may even be a great artist, a renown musician, or a best-selling author. Well, it's too late now. You can try to teach an old dog a new trick, but, it's kind of awkward when even he's learned the new trick, he will have to compete with the younger more energetic dogs... especially, when the other dogs call him Pakcik.

That's how it goes. The best I can do is try to make my children not to make the same mistakes I made. And, hopefully, they will be better off than me. That is all the legacy I can afford to leave them with.

In the meantime, I will continue to google for "Best ways to make a ton of money without doing anything."

Being Vulcan

2019-08-05T13:43:00.001+08:00

Spock, son of Sarek.
Born: 2230.Died: 2263 (in alternate universe) aged 162

Vulcans, I assume, would be well into rebuilding their civilisation and restoring their culture on their new planet after Nero destroyed their home planet in 2258. Vulcans first came to Earth in April of 2063 when they detected the first-ever warp drive test flight piloted by Dr Zefram Cochrane. Our allegiance with them has contributed to the advancement of human technologies, which, in turn, have enabled interplanetary relations and the exploration of space —the final frontier.

Legend has it that Vulcans were very emotional creatures, but their religion (although they do not refer to it as one), founded upon the teachings of the great philosopher Surak, forbids them to show emotion and to embrace logic.

Humans will do well to adopt the teaching of Surak. Humans may not be as emotionally volatile as prehistoric Vulcans, but we would be better off if we could better control our emotions.

When I said "we", I mean me.

There was a time, not too long ago, when I was completely debt-free. A period of bliss, a period of increasing amounts of savings in my Tabung Haji and ASB. But being human, we are consistently pressured to procure things we do not need. I blame this on society (other humans) and also, the media, for spreading this lies about how cool it is to own things, like watches that is worn by handsome and rugged men of mystery and/or adventure, and cars driven by people who look really good in suits and houses in neighborhood of tranquility and friendliness, or go for vacations in pristine places, where the sea is crystal clear with soft sandy almost deserted beaches.

Lies... all of it. Just like those juicy burger pictures that make you feel hungry, with Coke and fries on the side costing upwards of RM10, when a RM3 sandwich and a RM1.50 cup of mineral water would have been enough to fill you up.

I was seduced. Now, half of my monthly salary goes towards the mortgage, and another 10% towards the hire-purchase. Woe is me. Had I thought things out logically, I would not have bought another house, nor the minivan.

But, then again... what fun is there in living without challenge?

Live long and prosper.

Love and Marriage

2019-07-17T14:03:00.003+08:00

Love and marriage, as the song goes, go together like horse and carriage. We all know that's not true. A horse, I would imagine, would prefer not being attached to anything.

For the Malay woman, however, she is expected to find a husband before she reaches the age of 30. Much less in the olden days, when she would have been labelled a spinster if she were still unmarried by the time she reached 21. Things have changed; more women are income earners, and some do it better than men.

However, the old aunts and uncles, as well as grand aunts and grand uncles, who spent most of their lives in the previous century, still ask the dreaded question, "When are you getting married?"

Why do we get married?

- It's sunnah, yes, but can a person not go to heaven if she or he does not ever get married?

- To have babies? Bundles of joy? All they do is cry and poop. You have to feed them, take them to the baby doctor once in a while (which is getting more and more expensive), find sitters for them, find a pram, a car seat, and buy diapers (disposable ones are not environmentally friendly, so we go back to cloth napkins, which you need to launder). They need to be educated (more money required)... a bundle of joy? Then, when they grow up, they become rebellious teens, expecting you to continue paying to keep them alive. Then they want to get married, and you end up paying for their wedding, only to have them go off to start a new life and leave you in an old folks' home.

- To have lifelong companionship? Probably, the best argument... to have a person to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, but do you have to be married to them? Dogs and cats make good companions, too. Some people have imaginary ones... they seem happy.

In the Malay culture, women, unjustly, suffer more than men when they are not married past 30. Yet, most of the time, I find unmarried women to be good, honest, reliable, highly intelligent and hardworking people. Perhaps, being smart is what puts men off. Not "gedik" enough, perhaps.

I do envy their single status. After working hard, meeting deadlines, and chasing KPIs, they would apply for leave to travel to some exotic places by themselves, enjoying the wonders of the earth and ticking off their bucket list. Nothing and no one to worry about.

The men, on the other hand, somehow seem to always be able to find a woman who will marry them. Some of them are just clerical staff who seem satisfied to be just that for the rest of their lives. Some marriages last, some don't. However, in Malay society, the shortcomings of men are tolerated more than the inability of women to meet the standards of their mother-in-law.

Fortunately, women are the stronger sex. They endure hardship and pain better than men. Perhaps because they are hopeful that no matter how bad things get, they will somehow improve. And for those who have assholes for husbands, they are confident that one day he will change... her love and patience, will one day make him realise what a jerk he has been.

It is said that men marry women expecting that they will stay as they are, while women marry men hoping they will change. Men imagine their wives will always be young and beautiful and subservient to them, and women hope that their men will one day see them as equals and not the "bidadari" of this earth. More often than not, both of them are left disappointed.

I am blessed with a lovely woman as my life companion, and I am very proud of our four offspring. But, if asked, would I do it all over again? Love and marriage should be a once-in-a-lifetime adventure... only once.

7 things you shouldn't do in life

2019-06-27T14:02:00.003+08:00

1) Don't get into debt for things you can live without - Every time you want to spend money on a thing you cannot pay cash for, ask yourself this important question: Can I still breathe, eat, drink and have sex if I don't buy this thing? If the answer is YES, then don't take a loan to have it. Remember this: CREDIT CARDS are EVIL - they lull you in thinking you can afford something you don't need.

2) Don't get a job - getting a job means you put yourself in a false sense of security. You think all you have to do in life is breathe, eat, drink and have sex, then you poke your ATM card in the ATM machine and voila!! You have money to continue to breathe, eat, drink and have sex for another month. Create jobs and encourage your staff to be entrepreneurs. Don't just be a consumer. Be the supplier.

3) Don't worry about the future - you can't do anything about the future. In this age of the internet, things change faster than they did 20 years ago. Nobody knows what will happen in the next decade. Just a little over two decades ago, who would have thought that today we can carry our computer, our camera, our phone, our radio, our TV, our diary and our mail in our pocket all at the same time? You can even have them on your wrist. So, if some "wise old people" give you advice on what you should do or shouldn't do, so you will secure a job in the future, politely nod your head, but know that they only spoke based on their own obsolete experience.

4) Don't prepare yourself for death - we must prepare ourselves for the NEXT LIFE. But, for most of us today, we are eating healthier foods, we have access to healthcare, and (again, thanks to the invention of the internet) we are more informed about what is good and what is bad for us. The fastest-growing age group is the 65+ age group. When we hear that someone died at the age of 60, we say, "still young". Living past 90 is no longer a rarity; it is now a common occurrence. Death will come, sooner or later. But do all you can to make your life on this earth as comfortable as possible. If you need surgery to replace your knees, so you can walk and run, do it; if you need to get new teeth, so you can eat your favourite food, do it; if you want to travel the world, climb Mount Kinabalu, or go into business, no matter how old you are... if you can afford it... Just do it.

5) Don't wait for miracles - there are no more miracles. God has already provided us with the last miracle. We are the people of the end of the world... "umat akhir zaman". Don't look for signs from God that will mean something good or bad will happen. Stop thinking that when your right palm is itchy, money will come, or if it's on the left, money will go. Stop thinking that some strange thing that happened today is a sign of something that will happen tomorrow. Stop reading horoscopes, it's bullshit. We have to get off our asses to get the things we want. Our rezeki, our death, our jodoh may have been preordained for us upon our conception, but we need to go find our wealth (not necessarily being rich), we should take all precautions to avoid death, and we have to go out to find our life partner. This is the law of the universe (sunatullah): you put in the effort, you will get the reward.

6) Don't burden your children - they owe you nothing, and you owe them nothing. When they were small, all the time and money you spent on them belonged to them. Children are not your asset, nor are they your liability. They are a trust. You are just a caretaker, entrusted to bring them up to be proper human beings. Once they've grown, if they turn out to be good human beings, you've done your job. If they became lousy human beings, you've also done your job. You can't turn back time. If they grow up and remain grateful to you for your time and effort, then you've done a great job. If they cast you aside, and wish you were dead, or continue to become a burden to you even when they've grown bigger than you ... perhaps you should have done better. But don't put them on a guilt trip if they don't give you money every month or visit you every weekend... They have their own lives now, and their lives are nothing like ours.

7) Don't burden your parents - please. Grow up and get off your asses. Most parents could have done many things in their lives, such as travelling around the world, climbing Mount Kinabalu, or going into business when they were younger, but no, they had to have you. And, even if your parents are billionaires, don't ask them for money; instead, give them a monthly allowance. Even if it's just RM50 a month. They don't need it, but they will cherish it more than anything else. Make their lives as comfortable as you can. If they need surgery to replace their knees, get it done. If they need new teeth so they can enjoy their favourite food, get it done. If they make you feel guilty because you never give them money every month or come visit them every weekend... well, you deserve it. What kind of ungrateful human being are you?

We live, we learn. Or not.

2018-07-24T09:44:00.000+08:00

I am trying to live up to the old adage of being "older but wiser". I observe the annoying behaviors of our forefathers and make a mental list of things I shouldn't do when I grow up.

But, of late, I found myself doing one of those things on the list.... and was embarrassed by it. I have become presumptuous. It is a natural thing, I suppose; having lived for half a century on this earth that I tend to not look beyond the first familiar signs, and assumed that the sequence of events that follow will be as I have observed happened innumerous times throughout my life. Maybe, it's just laziness that comes with the dwindling vigor in my advanced age. I read a sentence in an email, or rather I looked at it, and immediately took action, or asked a question only to be told that, the proper action to be taken or the answer to my question is there, if only I had bothered to read thoroughly.

On Monday, I received a proposal from our legal department on a new addition to our corporate by-law, and after giving it a once over, sent a query back to them, asking for clarification, whether this addition is a blanket approval for all new products or, do we need to seek approval for each new product? The legal department, as gently as they can, told me that the clarification I seek is in the later part of the email.

On Tuesday, I received an email from our CEO, instructing me to initiate an urgent fund transfer, and to call him for details. I did, and was greeted by a surprised CEO who asked, "When was the last time I asked for an urgent fund transfer?" I sheepishly answered, "Never," while scrolling down the email, to find it was "sent from my iPhone". Our CEO only owns a Samsung phone. Apparently, it was one of those spam emails that mask the real sender's name with one of the names in my email address book.

Today, I opened my PC, and remembered that I have not received the approval from the CEO on my leave application for tomorrow. I called HR and complained that I did not get the automated approval email from our CEO. All this while, our CEO will not question our leave application. He trusts that we are all old enough to know that we must ensure work will not be disrupted just because we are on leave. He usually would have clicked his approval almost immediately upon receiving our on-line leave form. The HR lady was kind enough to say she'll look into the matter.... then, a few minutes later, called me to say... "Dato' has not approved your leave."

It has been a week of embarrassment for me.

Lesson learnt, even if the gap looks familiar.... still take a closer look before you leap.

Enemy of my enemy...

2018-07-05T11:18:00.001+08:00

I was once labelled a hypocrite by my neighbor... but he said it in Malay/Arabic, making it sound really bad... He called me a Munafiq. I was angered of course, at first, but then, upon reflection, he may have a case.

It all started a few thousand years ago when God created man, and gave him this instinct to become communal. And, being human, even in the smallest of societies, there would be differences in opinion, creating a divide between those who would become loyal followers to one side or another. Although, God has made the universe colorful, our minds (or, perhaps, more appropriately, our hearts) want to see only black or white, good or bad, innocent or guilty.... man or woman (that topic will be for another day).

There are less than 200 houses in my neighborhood. And, I for one, feel that we do not belong here. But, here we are, and as much as I like to not be partisan to one side or another, I cannot help but feel aggrieved by those who are reluctant to contribute their time and/or money for the common good of the residence.

And on the other hand, I do have a bias for those who seem to take upon themselves to ensure the security of our neighborhood. This neighbor arranged for the construction of the parameter fencing and our security check point and the appointed the security guard to man the check point and patrol our neighbor hood. There was rife accusation that this neighbor takes a cut from the contributions made by the residence for the work done, but, my argument is, if you can do a better job... then you do it, and go ahead take some compensation for yourself... I am just glad that someone else is doing it.... I am a lazy bum.

The person who called me a hypocrite, let's call him Mr. X, began connecting with me when one day, I told the person who was managing the fencing construction (lets call him, Mr. Y), that I do not agree to increase the number of guards, which will result in the increase of our monthly security fees. We are already fenced in, and we have only one entry and exit point, I argued that perhaps we, due to the many reports of break-ins at other precincts, have become paranoid. Mr. X, out of the blue sent a personal message to me saying that he's so glad that I did not agree with Mr. Y, with whom, I later learned, he is not on good terms with.

Mr. X even asked me out for a teh tarik, and we sat as he talked about his problems with his immediate neighbor, and also a few others, including Mr. Y.

A few days after that, he must have seen me going into his immediate neighbor's house, for a meeting to organize a get-together. My wife and I was tasked to organize the event, and we reluctantly agreed so as not to be accused of not doing anything for the neighborhood.

To add to that, somebody copied Mr. X a text I wrote which said that I hate dealing with idiots, referring to those freeloaders who ride on the generosities of others, those who did not pay for the fences and the security guards, but shamelessly stay in this neighborhood....

That was when I got an email, in capital letters that telling me that I am a "talam dua muka", a munafiq.

So, now, I am no longer accepted by this left wing group of my neighborhood. Even the nice lady who would stop by our house regularly have totally stopped greeting my wife and I. Where once I was seen as an enemy of his enemy, I am now a friend of his enemy. And, thus, his friends decided I am no longer their friend.

A neutral person is a hypocrite. Loyalty to one side, matters more than actual facts. You are either with us or against us. There is nothing in between. That's just the way it is...

Waiting for Humans to Evolve

2018-04-25T13:46:00.002+08:00

I hate Performance Appraisals and Bonus Payment season. Because I hate dealing with humans. Humans have a tendency to think that they are better than others, even when others perceive them as useless. Every year, during this time, someone will come to see me and ask why his/her rating is low when they "have done their work".

I will then have to tell them, "We need more from you."

They will say, "Then tell me what to do!"

Sigh....

I have been reading this book by a gay Israeli atheist professor who theorises that there will not be the end of the world, but humans will be extinct (just like the Neanderthals and Homo Erectus) and replaced by another species he calls Home Deus. Sounds like stuff of science fiction, but his arguments are quite compelling.

Anyway, right now, I wish he were right. I wish that humans would reflect on themselves first and ask the question, "Why am I the only one complaining?", before charging into my room and accusing me of denying them of their entitlement.

At the end of our "discussion", I was warned (nicely and indirectly) that the wrath of God will be upon me, since I have restricted the "rezeki" that is coming to them. I admit that I am at once flattered and repentant. Flattered because I did not know that I had the superpower to deflect God's will. Repentant, because these humans do not see the blasphemy in their remarks.

Of course, this empowerment they have given me came after I had rebutted all their arguments, and they had no more riposte, other than to condemn me to Hell.

The gay Israeli atheistic professor, too, maybe bound for Hell as one who does not believe in God, a homosexual, and an illegal occupant of Palestine, but for me (for now, at least), his Homo Deus species cannot come soon enough... because I don't think I want to go through this again, next year.

May Allah forgive me.

Pay Now, Play Later or; Play now, Pay Later....

2018-04-07T14:28:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you want to say something to someone, but you stop yourself, because you don't want to hurt that person's feeling. But, most of the time when this happens, everyone will agree, that the person that hurt the most is you.

It's not easy to draw the line, to make a check list of whether you should just tell that person off, or you just keep things to yourself. Although, from my own experience those who speak their minds, usually are the less stressful people.

I was not brought up to be confrontational, thus, all my life, I let the more outspoken people have their way. I have successfully convinced and trained myself to accept things as they are, and told myself time and again, that it doesn't matter if that person got their way, I will just get on with mine.

But it really doesn't work that way. Everything that happened or you let happen will one day come back and bite you. So you can't be lazy. If you are lazy today, you will probably end up having to mop up the mess later. Or you can get off your ass now, get the things you hate to do now, you can forget about it tomorrow and go on with the next things in life.

Now that I am older, maybe I can tell people off, and they will say that I am just a cranky old man, and won't take offense of what I say. Little do they know, I am really trying to right the wrongs I was too lazy to do something about, sometime ago in my past.

"Some people look through the eyes of the old, before they ever get a look at the young..." Billy Joel - Innocent Man.

Kain Pelikat & Pagoda T

2018-01-14T12:24:00.001+08:00

I have decided a long time ago that I will live a stress free life. After almost two decades in the construction business, my current job which I held since 2006, has been a dream.

Although, just the bean counter, as one Australian Engineer called me, my stint in the construction industry had me stretched both ways, by the demands of payments by the subcontractors and suppliers, and begging for payments from clients and employers.

Since 2006, I have further evolved to become even more stress intolerant. So much so, that when my current employer is now asking for attendance for our annual dinner, I had the inclination to tick the "not attending" box. My excuse, it will be on a Saturday night, and I am to dress up in the prevailing theme and I will have leave the comfort of my home in Shah Alam and drive all the way into the very heart of Kuala Lumpur... Like I have been doing, almost daily, for the last decade.

My perfect weekend will be waking up for the dawn prayer, and then crawl back into bed until the sun shines through my bedroom window and starts warming up bedroom above non-sweating temperature. Also, by then, those pesky birds would start making a commotion with their chirping and squawking outside my window. Thereafter, I would stumble down to the kitchen, finding my wife diligently doing something (if I am lucky, it will be breakfast, if not she would be starting lunch, or just cleaning up, and lunch will be on me...). After making myself a hearty breakfast of sunnyside egg sandwich and Ali Cafe with ginseng and tongkat ali, still in my kain pelikat and pagoda T-shirt, I go back up stairs, and plop into our reclining sofa and watch whatever that I may have the slightest of interest on TV, like a bunch of people forging a weapon, or some people bidding for abandoned self-storage facilities, or if I am lucky , some old movies that I have seen a couple of hundred times before.

At some point, I may possibly fall asleep, until my darling wife calls me down for lunch or wakes me up and say say lets go out for lunch. I prefer the former, of course, not willing to get out of my weekend attire of pelikat and pagoda T. Lunch is followed by the compulsory afternoon siesta.

Into the night, and I await the start of the weekend football, or when there aren't any football, any sport event will do, tennis, badminton, Formula One maybe, Ping Pong captures my attention sometimes... anything competitive to make up for my dormancy.

And to think I will have to give all these up, just for a few hours of mingling with my bosses, colleagues and staff, entertained my a local artist, eat a five-star dinner.... Are they out of their minds...

But, alas, I have to say "yes, I will attend" just for the sake of humanity (staying in touch with other humans) and, also, my boss expects me to be there.

Now I have to shop for a Hawaiian Shirt.

Annual Year End Rant...

2017-12-24T13:35:00.001+08:00

Here we are at the end of another year. I have lived long enough to no longer expect the so-called new year brings new hope. New year's day is a holiday celebrated by everyone on earth no matter what race or religion they are. Perhaps, for that few minutes or seconds before and after 12 midnight, we, or at least the majority of the citizens of earth, are one. Then, at 8 am on 2 January, we get down to doing the same thing we did before we go on our year end holidays. For a fleeting moment we live in a fantasy, living the life we dream of and still earn a decent salary, before, the work week start again, schools are opened, and we are at the top of the ride again, spiraling down into the abyss we call life.

That is, until we retire. For some, retirement seems like paradise. After the long hard life that, the promise of days of doing things because you want to, not because you have to, is the highest level of living on this earth to be achieved. Then, after a while we find out, that we need to have some motivation to push us to do the things we want to do. Suddenly, life loses all its meanings. Many turn to God, spend time at mosques, re-learning the Quran, listen to talks and sermons of the best ulamaks. Well and fine to prepare oneself for the afterlife.... it's just that we're not dead yet.

Some of us are still (relatively) physically healthy, we can still think rationally, and we have so much experience and knowledge of the world that we can (if we wish to) impart to the new generations. Except that, most of our knowledge is obsolete. Or, totally useless, at least in the present world of smart things.

Going back to our daily grind, as we start a so-called new year, we are becoming more relying on technologies we don't understand. We imagine that we are the masters of this technologies because we can command it, by a press of a button, or the swipe of the screen, to do our bidding. But, we don't understand how they work. We only know that we need to do something simple and a bunch of invisible algorithms in a device that we can carry with one hand, do all the work, then, in a literal blink of an eye, we get the result. Slow devices that takes too long to process our request are reviled and replaced. Too long could be about 20 seconds or more.

Little babies can use these devices with ease. Give them one of this smart things, and they will leave you alone for hours. And, some parents actually clap their hands in glee to see their cute little off-springs poke their cute little fingers on the screen. Little do they realize that the little baby, with its limited knowledge and zero life experience, is able to do the same commands that we adults do. Who needs brains.

That is our future, that is what we will be. The machines are taking over. The servants are slowly rising to become our masters.

Look out for a man with Austrian accent demanding to see Sarah Connor.

Why I hate pets

2017-11-07T18:49:00.002+08:00

Today, my son, Aiman, accidentally stepped on our pet hamster, Bucky. The late Bucky was brought home by my elder son, Afiq, not more than a year ago. Bucky was a winter hamster. That's why Afiq named her Bucky (before confirming Bucky is a she) after Captain America's nemesis and best friend, James Buchanan (Bucky) Barnes a.k.a, the Winter Soldier. This is the fourth pet we had to bury, (if you count the five or six Koi Fish as one since they all died together when the aeration pump stopped overnight). I felt sad every time we lose a pet.

That's why I hate them. I get attached to things (dead or alive) easily. I guess I am insecure that way.

When I was young, some one gave me a balloon, the first one with helium in it... just like the ones on TV. I loved it so much... I had it tied to my wrist for the whole day. Then, while sitting on the sofa watching TV, the string must have come loose, and the balloon floated up.... toward the spinning ceiling fan. By some miracle, it did not pop, and floated away after being hit by one of the fan blades. But, for me it was a traumatic incident. I watched in utter horror while the stupid innocent balloon rose up to the merciless menacing blades, destined to certain doom and oblivion. I cried my eyes out, my brother-in-law looked on, unbelievably and with ridicule, while my sister (Kak Besah) comforted and hugged me to her breasts, saying it's OK, it's OK.

Before that I had a cat, whom I called Lassie, after the famous TV dog Lassie, not knowing that Lassie was a girl dog and that my cat is a male. The cat looked nothing like Lassie the dog. It was white with a couple of black patches and a short tail. One day I heard a commotion outside, and saw Lassie the cat writhing on the ground for what seemed to be a long while before he became quiet an died. He was run over by (I think) father as he was reversing out of our garage.

These traumatic incidences have sworn me off having pets. I hate having pets because they die.

The last one that made me cry was our rabbit Nibbles, when he died in June 2016...

Today, it's Bucky's time.... I will miss her...

The Perfect Day

2017-10-07T00:03:00.001+08:00

What is your perfect day?
Asked the motivator
I look at him and smile
A perfect day is when
I created something
A drawing of anything
A pattern on a piece of white paper
A paragraph of my thoughts
Add another chapter in my unfinished novel
Typing in my blog about random things in my head
Lazing around doing nothing
But, to the motivator I actually said
Achieving what I was set out to achieve...
Corporate objectives and KPIs,
Meet my deadlines, and perform the best for my masters.
That is really my normal day...

It's My Brothers' and Sisters' Fault.

2017-10-04T11:56:00.000+08:00

I am a daydreamer.

Being the last one in a family of eight older siblings, I was born at the stage where my parents were already fatigued by child raising. Not that they did not care, just that... they are not overly concerned. There are pros and cons, I was only caned once by my father when I refused to wake up to go to school. I never wanted to go to school, but that day, for reasons I cannot recall, I pretended to sleep so deeply that even after my father carried me in to the bathroom, I actually laid myself down on the cold and wet bathroom floor. This is nothing compared to the punishments that younger (and angrier) father laid on my elder brothers (at least according to my mother).

I read somewhere, someone said that the two things that influence your future most are the people you hang out with and the book you read (Now, I believe we must add to the list; the movies you watch, the social media group you are in and the Youtube video you watch).

Analyzing the people around me as I was growing up, my friends are mostly the small town boys who lived in my neighborhood and my school friends, and they do not like to read (apart from this very popular Malay book called Mona Gersang, which was passed from one teenage boy to another). But, my elder brothers and sisters were English educated. We watched English TV programmes, and English movies (although, the first movie I ever watched was Achir Sebuah Impian, starring Broery Marantika and Emilia Contessa), listened to English songs and read English books.

So, it's their fault. My sisters and brothers, all grew up during the British occupation, albeit towards the end of it, had shaped me in a way that made me think better in English than in Malay. They exposed me to Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Andy Williams, Engelbert Humperdinck, Tom Jones to name a few. The only local celebrity that can be added to that list is P. Ramlee. I was exposed to some Malay arts and culture, too, but, mostly I know the song but don't know the artist. My sisters reminded me that I used to stand on an old dressing table and sing "Si Cincin Emas". I probably wiped that out of my mind when I hit puberty, because I have no recollection of it.

The Beatles had the most impact on me. Especially, when I read that I share the same birthday with John Lennon, only 24 years apart. And, when I learned that they are a group from Liverpool, England, I made up my mind that anything that came out of that place must be good. Hence, I am now a Liverpool FC supporter, though I never set foot on English soil much less on Merseyside. (Lucky for me, I only learned of Everton football club later).

So my siblings gave me the preference of English over anything local (languages, etiquette, products, etc.), but, they were mostly inclined toward arts rather than science. Somewhere, somehow, as artistic as some people say I am, I love science. I love Physics, especially, even when don't I understand much of it. This is a mystery to me. Why do I bother to read Stephen Hawkings' "A brief History of Time" and Carl Sagan's "Cosmos" cover to cover without fully understanding it...

For my SPM, I had only two A's, English and Physics. Maybe, had I been more focused, and maybe if I had known that arts and science are not mutually exclusive, I could have been another Michael Crichton or Steven Spielberg...

But, no... I do not regret not having written a bestselling science fiction that would later become a series of blockbuster movies and made millions. In fact, I think I prefer to be on this side of the screen, enjoying the finished products. Products of my imagination. I imagined a starship like the Enterprise, of hi-tech spy gadgets, the possibility of interstellar and time travel, hover cars, robots and artificial intelligence.

I just don't know where all this interest came from. But, it was started by my exposure to western cultures brought upon us by the British Colonials, passed on to me by my brothers and sisters.

To my Akak-akak and Abang-abang, thank you, I love you all.... God bless.

Bury me at sea

2017-06-30T10:19:00.002+08:00

When I die, bury me at sea
So there will not be an obligation
To water my grave, and sprinkle petals on it
Or, the need to worry what people will think

of how my grave was hardly visited...

Life goes on for the living

Time has stopped for the dead...

When I die, I only hope to live in memories

of those who want to remember me.

Say a prayer for me whenever they pray

Not only, on the eve of Eidul Fitri, throng the cemeteries out of guilt

That the dead was abandoned for 364 of the 365 days in their year...

No forced tears to be shed

No need for silent contemplation
as they sat about the stones that marked the place of my decayed remains
When I have become one with the earth from whence I came...

Reacting to A Reaction

2017-05-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

Stephen Covey wrote in his book Seven Habits, that as humans we are not supposed to be reactive. We are not animals that make decisions on the instinct of life preservation and the survival of the species. That was one of the biggest "AHA!!" for me in that book... although, in truth, there were many, at least one on every page.

Alas, we are but creatures of emotion. If indeed we evolved from apes, the survival instincts has perhaps evolved into ego and, for some of us, it is bigger than the real feeling we feel for someone.

More often than not, we react to what we perceive to be hatred, or anger, or disgust. This perception is so often wrong, yet our ego concludes that, that someone who treats us differently today, must be angry at us, because we just did not have the humility to ask... are you angry with me? or, did I do something wrong?

Humility is the key and communication is the window. If you do not have the key then the window will remain shut, and the person you love on the other side will never know how you really feel about them.

The longer the window remains shut, the further away we'll drift apart. The next thing you know, loved ones become strangers.

I wonder if I (again) I have learned this lesson to late......

Another Time

2017-03-24T22:09:00.000+08:00

If there be another time

When things are different

And love was uttered

With the passion

Of a lover

Then life would be different

And love is less painful

Hope will not be abandoned

Dreams may just come true

One step forward... A few steps back.

2017-03-23T11:06:00.001+08:00

When I heard about the horrible London Attack on the radio on my way to work, the first thing that came to my mind was ISIS. But, as the voice of Theresa May cracked as she denounced the attack without revealing the identity of the lone assailant, I found myself praying, please let him not be a muslim.

At the time I am writing this, the ethnic and religious background of the terrorist are still not known. But, the buzz on social media are largely divided only on whether Islam should be banned everywhere or we shouldn't judge Islam based on one man's act.

Islam.... nobody even considered that maybe the man shot dead by police after driving over almost fifty people and killing five (the latest fatality number) could possibly Irish, or Welsh or Scottish or even Japanese or Korean or Chinese. Nobody will even think he's white.

I am hoping that maybe he will be an extreme Catholic, or a rogue Buddhist, maybe, they did horrible things, too, in Myanmar. And, how come there are no Jewish terrorists (some may argue that they commit terrorism on the poor Palestinians... but they seem to be very selective that way).

But, it's hope against hope. The vilification of Islam and Muslims by white supremists and Islamophobes, the travel bans, the suggested vettings, now all seem justified.

I cringed when I saw that Donald Trump tweeted something.... but it turn out to only a statement of condolence to Theresa May.... very presidential. Yes, even he looks good now.

It's getting tiresome. Like a broken record.... Islam equals terrorism and terrorism equals Islam. All the efforts to project Islam as a religion of peace, undone by one stupid act that achieved nothing but maiming and injuring innocent people.

Oh my God... even I have gone ahead of myself... even I, despite not knowing the true identity of the attacker, have secretly concluded that the man is a Muslim. Maybe, he was a man on meth. Maybe he was hallucinating. Maybe he's crazy....

..... as bad as it sounds... I sincerely hope so.

(My thoughts and prayers for the victims of the London Attack. My deepest condolences to the family of the heroic Police Constable Keith Palmer, who perished while defending his country)

The Smong - an unheeded tale

2017-02-09T11:16:00.000+08:00

While visiting Banda Aceh over Chinese New Year, we (my family and I) were taken on board a 2,600 ton floating power plant that the force of the 2004 Tsunami pushed 5 km inland, crushing everything in its path.

The power plant is too heavy to be shipped back to sea, so the Indonesian Government just converted into a museum.

One exhibit was a 200 year old poem by the people of Simeulue Island about Smong;

Enggel mon sao curito (Listen to this story)

Inang maso semonan (Of a time long ago)

Manoknop sao fano (a village was drowned)

Uwi lah da sesewan (So the story goes)

Unen ne alek linon (Preceded by a quake)

Fesang bakat ne mali (Then a wave so high)

Manoknop sao hampong (all the land was engulfed)

Tibo-tibo mawi (all of a sudden)

Anga linon ne mali (If the quake is strong)

uwek suruik sahuli (and the sea ebbs)

Maheya mihawali (at once seek)

Fano me singa tenggi (your place on higher grounds )

Ede smong kahanne (That is Smong)

Turiang da nenekta (History of our ancestors)

Miredem teher ere (Remember this always)

Pesan dan navi da (the message and it advice)

Right after the 9 point earthquake struck, the people of Banda Aceh, went about saving people from collapsed buildings. Those near the seashore scrambled to find buckets and bags to collect the fish left high and dry as the tide ebbed quickly.

Our guide, who lost all her family members to the Tsunami told us, nobody knew what a Tsunami was. The word was alien to them. When the sea came in, it claimed over 120,000 lives.

Our guide, said sadly.... we have been warned, but we did not listen.

Money Changes Everything

2017-01-12T23:58:00.000+08:00

I have been listening to some Bee Gees songs while doing some work tonight and suddenly remembered a dear old friend. We grew up together, and we're closer to each other than our own brothers. And growing up, I probably spent more time at his house than at my own.

We both love the Bee Gees, especially after watching the movie Saturday Night Fever starring a young John Travolta in the late 70s.Up until the day I got married, I don't think there was ever anybody closer to me than this friend.. and cousin.

I got caught up with my life, moved to Subang Jaya, to start a family. We hardly see each other thereafter, only once in a while, mostly during Aidil Fitri.

Perhaps, it is me and my wife's arrogance perceived by my friend's family that, I begin to feel I am not as welcomed in his house as I was during my younger years, when I could come and go as I please at anytime of the day or night.

Later, about 10 years ago, I started my current job, and suddenly my office is near his house. We started to meet again frequently. On days I could take a longer lunch, I would call him and we'd have lunch somewhere in Sri Hartamas.

Then, he quit his job to focus on a business venture and, again we drifted apart again.

Until, last month, he called me asked to meet. He must see me, he said. I can hear the desperation in his voice.

He came to my office during lunch and, as our conversation carried on, he said the words that I dread to hear... he wanted to borrow some money.

As a principle, I do not lend money. Simply because I hate to ask for it when the promised loan tenure expires. As a principle, any money I give away... is just that... a give away. I don't expect it to come back.

Tonight, while the song Tragedy blasts in my ears through my earphones, I started to reminisce about the time we spent together in my hometown. I feel sad... because now, every time I see his name appear on my phone, I hesitate to answer.

I miss the old things we shared....

2017: New Horizons....

2016-12-30T18:16:00.001+08:00

Another day closer to the end of another year.

It's just another day in the Gregorian calendar. Muslims already had our new year a couple of months ago, and, was treated by many as another public holiday.

The Gregorian Calendar is named after Pope Gregory the XIII who refined the original calendar started by the Romans. Julius Caesar tweaked it a little and changed the name of the 7th month from Quintilis to Julius... or as we know it today, July. (Subsequently, Augustus Caesar also changed the 8th month to August from Sextilis... which is a good thing).

Anyway, 2016 was an eventful year I supposed, with all the things happening around the world, death and mayhem, suppression and oppression, corruption and pollution. Children killed, women raped, immigrants drown fleeing unrest in their home country.

Sometimes I can't believe that we are already in the 21st century, almost 2 decades deep. Yet, racism is still as much a problem as it was in the last century.

For me, 2016 has been a year of change. A shift in paradigm. My wife quit her job in October 2015 and, to occupy her time after the novelty of not having to go to work wears off, she start selling stuff she bought from Bandung. Textile, blouses, dresses, hijab and telekung... even hoodies and ointments and cosmetics.

We were never business people. I have made that conclusion when, in 2003, I tried and failed as a businessman. Robert T. Kiyosaki wrote in his book that to do business you need a mentor. I mean that's what his book Rich Dad Poor Dad was about. His mentor was his Rich Dad.... but I guess I miss that part... emblazoned on the front page.

Wiser and older (in that order), and with a bit more resources (a.k.a Money) to spent to go to seminars and courses, we are now weighing anchor and casting off on our new ship, into areas we never thought we'd ever venture into. We have new circle of friends... or at least my wife has. Friends who's been there done that and friends are doing it as we are.... although, most of them are much younger than us....

So here goes everything. Will we make it? I pray to God we will.... there's no turning back now....

The Wind and The Sun

2016-12-20T18:25:00.000+08:00

Aesop's Fables was probably the first book that my father ever bought for me. It has left a couple of profound marks on my development as a human being. One, I now only read short stories... and two, I am Shams... the Sun....

THE WIND and the Sun were disputing which was the stronger. Suddenly they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun said: “I see a way to decide our dispute. Whichever of us can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger You begin.” So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the Wind began to blow as hard as it could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the more closely did the traveller wrap his cloak round him, till at last the Wind had to give up in despair. Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveller, who soon found it too hot to walk with his cloak on.

“KINDNESS EFFECTS MORE THAN SEVERITY.”

That's why many people tell me I am soft.... but hot tempered.