Light Switch

On Cynthia Nixon, choosing your sexuality, and not using the word "bisexual"

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 10:04:00 +0000

We all have the right to define ourselves as we choose

Cynthia Nixon's sexual orientation and identity is for her, and only her, to know and proclaim if she chooses. I don't respect the opinions of people who are assigning a sexual orientation to Nixon or anyone else.

Choosing your sexuality

Cynthia Nixon says that for her homosexuality is a choice. She is not ceding any point to any political group by saying that. She is talking about her sexuality. Personally I think there is some weird language from both the interviewer and from Nixon herself. I encourage you to read the one linked above and the one linked below and think about the use of language concerning sexual orientation and relationship status (and partner selection). I feel there is some conflation going on, especially by the interviewer in the follow-up interview (linked below), where he says "Were you a lesbian in a heterosexual relationship? Or are you now a heterosexual in a lesbian relationship?" I don't like labeling relationships as "heterosexual" or "lesbian" or anything else that relates to sexuality. A relationship is simply a relationship, not an illustration of anyone's sexuality. A person's relationship(s) do not define their sexual orientation, otherwise single people would have no sexual orientation, would they?

"Bisexual" isn't a bad word

I don't care how Cynthia Nixon identifies, but I don't like when people avoid using the word "bisexual," if (and that's a big if) the word is an accurate one to use, and justify that choice by saying "because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals." When I read that, I thought, Well, it must be nice to just be able to step outside that group people like to dump on and identify as something else. But I think my reaction is lined with assumptions; it's not a clear-headed reaction.

I honestly don't know whether I'm more upset that Cynthia Nixon said those things or that those things she said rang true.

Thoughts? Reactions?

Aidan: Good on paper

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 09:50:00 +0000

Oh, Aidan. I wanted things to work. And by that I mean, I wanted to get wet for you. I wanted that bright smile of yours to turn me on. I wanted to talk about kink stuff in lowered voices in a coffee shop. I wanted to slide my hand over to yours just so you'd know, Hey, I'd like to bang you at some point.

It all sounded so good on paper. Your profile reads well. You've got your shit together. You don't come off as needy, controlling, suspicious, apathetic, or even pessimistic. You're confident. You're friendly. You're comfortable with who you are as a person. It all looked good in pictures and in person. You have a great smile, good hair, and a pretty sweet body.

Shouldn't my panties be soaked clear through by now? Well, they aren't.

See, OkCupid thought we'd make a great match. Our percentage numbers are totally in the desirable range. I liked emailing and IM'ing with you. I felt a connection. I felt like you were someone I'd like to bang, quite possibly on a long-term periodic basis, and that feeling doesn't happen very often.

Part of it was a scheduling issue, I know. When I first meet someone and get all those good infatuation hormones flowing, I really don't want to talk for too long, maybe three weeks or so at most. I wanted to see you! I wanted to flirt and touch and feel that heat in person that I felt online. Our schedules didn't work. For months. That first meeting, perhaps four months after we first started talking, was fun.

"Fun" is almost a bad word when it comes to dates. I want dates to be more heart-poundy and nervewracking than fun, honestly. I know how to have fun and how to let things go smoothly. But peace doesn't usually turn me on. I like feeling that rush of uncertainty, of breaking through those cultural norms and just talking about real things, touching, playing some harmless mind games.

Plus, you were more feminine than I expected. I like feminine-looking guys, but I don't usually like feminine-acting guys. You look masculine, for sure, but there was too much of a feminine personality going on for my tastes.

You also sort of looked like one of my friends. And of all of my friends, he's one of the last ones I'd ever fuck. So that didn't help at all.

Our second meeting was kind of impulsive, and the timing was probably not a good decision on my part considering the shitty week I'd been having. But I'd been actively thinking of you, thinking about getting close to you, thinking about kissing you. I'd thought about watching you have sex with someone else, and how hot that would be. I thought that might be something we could explore together.

But there were other things. You have these ways of speaking and these mannerisms that just...ugh...they turn me off. You turn me off. You're too comfortable, or something. And you talk too much about yourself. I say this as a self-identifying narcissistic person.

Toward the end of that second date, I could feel time dragging. I thought maybe if we touched, things would be better, but I couldn't wholeheartedly initiate that, so I remained passive but open. I leveled with you at the end of the date, gave you a genuinely-friendly-but-not-at-all-passionate hug, and went on my way.

We had great match percentages.
We had overlapping kink desires.
We were on the same page about open relationships.
You were physically attractive.
You were intellectual and engaging.
You were fucking awesome at communicating.
You were understanding, flirty, kind, and respectful.

And those things just weren't enough. Aidan, we're good on paper, but not in person. I don't know if we'll keep in touch as friends, but I wish you the best.

OkCupid Fail: The Guy who Mirrored Me Too Much

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 09:15:00 +0000

Reflection, 350 Euston Road,
London CC BY 2.0

You can earn a gold star by showing you've read my OkCupid profile, but be sure to bring some original material to the conversation.

One fine way to start off an interaction with someone on OkCupid is to ask them about something in their profile. If no questions come to mind, but you have something to say, you might consider using words or phrases from their profile. It's a solid way to show that you've read at least part of it, and I've heard that personality mirroring is a way that humans bond.

This technique is a decent starter, but it should not be your only technique, and it should definitely be dropped (or at least put on hold) after the first interaction. You've established yourself as a competent, thoughtful person. If you come back in the second and third interactions with no new material, using only the phrases and words they use in their profile, you're not that interesting.

It shouldn't be hard to imagine how The Guy who Mirrored Me Too Much earned his long, awkward name. This guy liked what I had to say, and he liked it a little too much. I think he sent me two messages and IM'ed me, and in all three instances, he used the same line from my profile in some way. The first time was cute, the second time seemed lazy, and the third time just turned me off to him completely.

I like myself, but I don't want to date myself. Talk to me like you have something original to say.

If you'd actually like to meet someone in person, consider making a few mental bookmarks about the person's profile and your initial interactions. These things could be clever to bring up on a first date (or a second or third one, if you get that far). If you bring up those little details, you show that you remember things about them and about the two of you met. Those efforts will help establish a connection and will probably help get you laid, if that's what you're looking for. Just remember that once you've mentioned some line/phrase in person, it's best to act like you're playing catch. Let the other person throw a line back your way before using it again.

Good luck!

Ride that infatuation pony as long as you can

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 09:21:00 +0000

Stunt Rider CC BY 2.0

When you first meet someone and feel that tingle of attraction and connection, you're running on borrowed time. Those moments are precious and fleeting and deserve your utmost attention. You're only hurting yourself if you downplay your attributes during this stage.

Face it, the honeymoon phase of any relationship is pretty damn short these days. With numerous communication pathways and oodles of information available online, there's a lot of ways that Mr. Right Now can turn into Mr. Right Now I'm a Douche. While you can't just hide all the idiotic things you've done that are forever stored on those website servers, you can make a hearty effort not to play the Fail By Humility card. It's easy. Just go along with whatever they say about you as long as it's not actually a lie.

Why? Because you know, soon enough, that infatuation magic will run out and you'll be back in the real world with whatever impression you've left on them.

Think about that infatuation stage. It's beautiful, really, equal parts innocent and guilty. It's innocent because you're thinking about all the ways this person is just perfect and would complement you and your life. And it's guilty because, well, if you meet them online, you're looking at jpegs and wanting to bone someone you don't really know just because you both liked Foster the People before they hit it big. And you're probably thinking of all the ways this person is just perfect for your kinky fantasies.

Now is not the time to be humble, push away compliments, or diminish your positive aspects. You have all of these endorphins working with you. Capitalize on them! Your date thinks you're amazing? Fucking GO WITH IT. They will not think you are amazing forever. They will learn you are fucked up just like they are, they will learn that you, too, can and will hurt them. You will disappoint them. There's not much you can do about any of that unless you plan to hide all but a few facets of yourself for the whole relationship.

But what you can do is harness the infatuation and let it be as huge and powerful as it can be. Make the most of it!

You gotta talk about it sometime

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 01:00:00 +0000

Oh, it's not much fun, no. Talking "about the relationship" isn't usually sexy. It can be tedious and is probably best done in person, if possible. Then at least you get to look at each other, which is nice, and there's a lower risk of miscommunication.

You can avoid it if you want. You can avoid talking about how you'd like things to go, what would make you comfortable and happy, but you're not doing anyone or the relationship any favors. It'll happen sometime. Something will come up that will make you go, "Why didn't you tell me that earlier?" And that'll tip you off. It won't guarantee you'll have a good conversation, but it'll sting a little and you'll at least remember it next time it happens.

Oh, it'll probably happen again. Maybe. I'm just speaking from experience. I fuck up and avoid having those unsexy conversations with people about what I would and would not like to hear about. I want to seem cool. I want to seem like anything goes and anything is fine and I can just deal with whatever comes my way. Well, the last part is true. I can deal with whatever comes my way, but it's so much easier to have that shit sorted out beforehand.

I figure the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to communicate what you need, express how you feel in a genuine/positive manner (i.e. not in a passive-aggressive, guilt-trippy manner), and agree on whatever terms seem reasonable. Ask for what you want, ask for clarification, and try your best to be on the same page. Leave the door open so it's okay to come back to the discussion later.

Actually, that's probably applicable to life in general, not just open relationships.

One Big Wet Death Trap

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:00:00 +0000

"Hey," I said, standing half naked with my arms around his waist, "can you try not to hit my kidneys?" It hadn't hurt, but I still figured I should say something.

Brennan paused and looked at me like no one'd ever asked him not to smack their kidneys, and maybe no one had. But me? I have standards, dammit. I also have this book that says not to hit kidneys. I looked around at my own back (not a very flattering pose) and pointed at the area for emphasis. In my drunken state, I thought this was a good supplement to my request. In retrospect, I probably came off like an ass.

Oh right, my ass. That's what he was looking at, I guess. At least I think that's what made him say "Come here" as he led me to the bathroom.

I followed him, and as I set foot in the bathroom I was gripped with fear, but more on that in a moment.

He pointed to the mirror, and it clicked why he'd brought me in there. My ass was fucking red. Beautifully red all over. And I'm looking at my reflection, at all that redness and thinking, Damn, I don't feel any of that. This is pretty awesome. I remember all of the blows as they were happening, but between the alcohol and being turned on (and come on, let's not forget I like me some pain from time to time), any lingering soreness had turned to pleasure. Good times.

Now, back to that moment of fear.

As I stepped into the bathroom, my eyes focused on the far wall, on those long black shower tiles stacked to the ceiling. To my intoxicated mind, they looked fucking menacing. See, in previous conversations, Brennan had mentioned wanting to take a shower with me, and I was afraid that idea might resurface since we were in the bathroom. I know, it makes no sense to get in the shower while drunk, but aren't bad decisions sometimes part of being drunk? That's at least what movies tell me. So in that moment, I visualized the end of my road at the hands of that big wet death trap in front of me. I'm thinking it'd have been a fall, head-to-the-faucet kind of thing. Quick and nearly painless, but not pretty to find later.

How to Win Over Women

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 09:51:00 +0000

I said I'd write it, but you might not like it. An alternative title is "How to Be Just Manipulative Enough to Win Someone Over Without Coming Off Like a Complete Douche." Just so that's clear. Huge generalizations, assumptions, stereotypes, heteronormativity, sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek quips, and eyerolls lie ahead, along with a much different tone than is normally seen here. Proceed with caution.

So here are the steps to win over women:

1. Get in contact. Whether you initiate isn't that important, but it's best if she comes to you so the pursuer dynamic is established and you come out on top.

2. Leave to do something more important. What it is doesn't matter, as long as you make it sound legit and only leave for long enough to make them wonder if you're coming back. Lower those expectations just enough that you can rock their world when you come back.

3. Return and be polite, kind, and flirty. Be curious about her. Talk about yourself just a bit, but ask questions and encourage her to ask questions as well. Because you care, right? And you're an open book.

4. Connect on some personal but nonsexual level. Whether it's a shared experience, viewpoint, passion, or goal, just find something you have in common and let that simmer between you.

5. Play down yourself (your hobbies/work/goals) just enough to seem realistic while still coming off as accomplished. You'll be seen as humble and not arrogant, and she'll still admire you. You won't drop out of alpha-male status, but you'll touch on those personality traits that she wants in a long-term partner. Win-win.

6. Compliment her opinions, decisions, and/or lifestyle. Who doesn't like feeling like they're right? Just don't go overboard. Come off as sincere, and you'll play into step 4 even more heavily.

7. Suggest some media related to one of her interests. This is gold. Ask if she's seen that film that features [something she's interested in], or suggest a venue that hosts [something she's interested in]. If you can find something online to share right then (like an info page, video, etc.), even better.

8. Encourage her to pursue something. Get talking about things you want to do, whether they're travel plans, career goals, or workout schedules. Then just be a cheerleader, briefly but intensely.

9. Get talking about the good stuff. You know, dating, sex, relationships, flirting, what she finds attractive, what you want from someone, etc. You've established all that other stuff, so you're comfortable and not just some dude wanting to get laid--you're some dude wanting to get laid who also cares! Way different.

10. Win. This is whatever you want it to be. I've helped you get here, but you've got to do the rest. Good luck.

Reflections on 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 08:00:00 +0000

In no particular order, here are some highlights and round-ups from Light Switch's 2011 archives:

I had my first multiple orgasm session. Later on in the year I learned how to get off multiple times with a vibe without much of a refractory period between orgasms. This skill has been quite useful when I simply want to wear myself out with orgasms and get on with my day or go to sleep or whatever.
I was named as one of the Top Sex Bloggers of 2011!
I casually mentioned that I can get off by holding my breath. Admittedly, it's just not usually as enjoyable as when I work for it.
Sometimes I cry after I come. Sometimes I laugh and just can't fucking stop. It's a grab bag, really.
Well, there weren't many product reviews, that's for sure. This triple stimulator was my favorite of the toys I reviewed last year.
I got my first lap dance. I think I'm good on lap dances for a while. I mean, unless you're offering.
I posted just one sexy photo on here in 2011. I liked showing off more in previous years but I think I might be done with that sort of thing on here, well, except for one promised photo concept I still haven't forgotten.
My boy and I started off 2011 in a closed relationship and reopened it about midway through the year. Once that happened, I went a little date-crazy, at least compared to what I'd done in 2010 or any other year of my life, really...
In the dating and flirting areas, there were several characters: Wanda, Vince, Danny, Carter, that guy at the store, Aidan, Brennan and Oliver. Those last three people are still in my life. There were also some others that didn't get mentioned here for various reasons. Also, I've got to write something about Aidan sometime soon. We're still in touch but things have gone a bit differently than I expected.
I wrote a few instructional/advice type posts about OkCupid and online dating interactions. You can find all of them in the instructional category. I hope y'all find them useful. I like writing those kinds of posts and hope to continue on that path as I learn more.

Here's to a sexy 2012!

Once, twice, all together now

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 10:20:00 +0000

For the past week or so, my boy and I were traveling. And by traveling I mean staying in other people's houses where there was no convenient sex to be had. Aside from a late night session with a vibrator (I got off while he helped, yum) at one of the travel destinations (yeah, we are those people, fuck off), we hadn't had sex or played in a couple weeks.

I didn't really expect to do anything today considering my boy only had about four hours of sleep since we arrived home, but that's what surprises are all about, right? He got home early and we talked about going for a walk while it was still light. He asked what I was doing afterward, and I said I had some chores (laundry, unpacking) and he suggested I delay those things.

"I was thinking you could get off and I could finger you and put a toy in your ass," he said. "Would you like that?" Would I like that? Well fuck yeah I would like that. I grinned at him and we went for our walk.

When we returned home, I looked around for the Pfun plug, but couldn't find it, so I settled for the Alumina Flow, which I hadn't used at all yet. The little end looked good for some warm up anal play, though.

He started off fucking my cunt with his fingers and then switched to use the toy, which felt bigger than it looks. Maybe the weight helps, maybe I was just gripping it well, I don't know. It hit that spot up near my cervix that makes my back arch, and then dragged down along that bottom wall and I just purred. Alright, I can't actually purr, but I moaned a lot. He told me I couldn't come yet, that he'd make me pay for it if I did, so I tried my damnedest to obey. But I failed. Unfortunately I was trying not to come when I actually came, so I had one of those weird orgasms that I couldn't feel as much because I wasn't going to town on my clit when it came through. It still felt good, but I wanted more, which I suppose played into his plan. Besides, nothing had even gone in my ass yet, so we had plenty left to do.

He added a bit of lube around my ass and fingered me so I'd be more receptive to the toy. As it turned out, that super-smooth aluminum toy was easier to take than a gloved finger. He changed gloves and started fingering my cunt again while I had the toy in me. He switched down to just one finger and told me to grip him as he pushed in and out of me. I love resisting him and failing; it feeds into my whole "being broken" fetish. He plays on that a lot now that I've been more open about it.

I touched my clit, which had mostly woken back up after that first endeavor. I'm really starting to fall for silicone lube for anything other than quick get-off sessions. That stuff just lasts and lasts as I rub and rub and inch closer. I thought about my body, the toy, his finger, and how they all were interacting. I thought about my clit as an orgasm button that was about to engage. I know, I think about weird shit when I get off, but it helps me get there so I don't care if it's kind of out there.

I usually have five to ten seconds, tops, of pre-orgasm awareness, meaning that's when I realize yeah I'm going to come. This time I felt much more in control of that orgasm and could see it far off on the horizon. I didn't have a good time estimate in my head but I knew it was there, which is a fucking amazing feeling to have when I'm definitely not in Guaranteed Come Junction yet. But it was out there and I had a hook in it like some beautiful sea creature. Reel it in, reel it in.

And reel it in I did. The buildup was incredible and I know I got loud but I have no idea how loud now. It was the kind of orgasm where I feel like grabbing the wall so I don't go flying somewhere (like another dimension). By now, he's fucking me way faster than I can ever fuck myself when I'm this close to coming, so I just keep on my clit and yell for all the good things in the world. When I start to come back down, when I don't feel like I need to brace against the wall anymore, I place my hand on his so he'll stop moving.

Then the laughter hits me. What can I say? Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I laugh. And I have this thing about laughing where I'll think about how bad it'd be to laugh in a situation and then I lose control and burst out laughing just because of how hilarious/inappropriate it'd be. That's pretty much what happened here, but it was fortified with all of those glorious post-orgasm endorphins, so it was some hearty laughter, indeed.

Once that silliness was over, my boy slid up on top of me and held me for a minute. He used this wonderful post-orgasmic window to mention something about how good I'd been or something, and asked how I felt. I'm not sure how it all went down, but I think I asked him if he wanted to have sex and the next thing I remember he's standing next to the bed, I've got my mouth on his cock, and he's breaking out a condom. I mostly stayed on his cock but would occasionally go up to lick his nipples as he stroked himself and grabbed at me. At some point he said enough was enough and told me to turn around. He didn't have to tell me twice. I dabbed a bit more lube on myself and the condom, and he slid into me.

Whether it was the long buildup or my oral work, I don't know, but he felt fucking huge and he knew it. At first I was kind of screaming almost in a bad way, which caused him to ask if he was hurting me. No! Being split like a rack of mutton can be pleasurable and painful and it can all sound the same. I pushed back against him and grabbed the bedcovers for stability. This time we both got loud and when he was about to come I started feeling oddly tingly down there. I pushed the sensation out of my mind as much as I could, and just went along for the ride. He slammed into me several more times and was spent. By then the sensation had returned and I needed to get free of his cock.

I moved forward off of his cock and rolled over on the bed, reaching for a tissue. On the nightstand I noticed a single condom, presumably the one that was attached to the one we just used. A while back we'd bought some condoms that came with some special "Fire and Ice" bonus rubbers. While we'd agreed not to use them since neither of us is fond of menthol stimulation during sex, lo and behold, one had sneaked into our fuckery. I pointed it out and he said he'd felt some kind of cooling sensation but hadn't really looked at the condom when taking it out. He said, "At that point I was like, gold wrapper, alright, we're good," which made me laugh. We both experienced a bit more oomph than we expected during the romp, but everyone emerged unscathed. It was a fine way to celebrate our return home.

To those guys who disappeared

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 09:00:00 +0000

Dia 64: No estoy aqui
CC BY 2.0

Sometimes people's profiles on OkCupid just disappear. Maybe the person gets bored of the site and deletes their own profile. Maybe they close their relationship. Maybe they were a spambot and they got deleted by the admins. Whatever the case, these guys all earned a spot in this memorial post:

Mr. Makes My Heart Pound

This guy was rugged and outdoorsy and ready for adventure. He sent me this message that was pretty long and detailed, and he included a section about things that make his heart pound. One of the things was women in fedoras. His message came right around the time we were closing our relationship in 2010, so I told him I appreciated the sentiments but was unavailable. His profile was gone when we reopened our relationship in 2011. Every time I see a fedora hat, I think of that guy.

Sexy Punk Guy

This guy cracked me up and turned me on (an excellent combination, I must say). We messaged and then IM'ed and I wanted to bone the shit out of him. We talked about how our first date would go, about how we'd go have coffee somewhere and talk about incredibly tame things but have it all be code for sex-related things. I was sad to see his profile disabled.

Cute Long-Haired Hippie Dude

Ah, I struck out with him, or at least, I never heard from him. I sent him a thoughtful message, trying to get across that I'd like to meet up and chat but also would like to pounce on him. Obviously I drove him away from the site. Sorry, ladies! (or maybe he blocked me, who knows)

I'll Be There in January Guy

I had the best first conversation with this guy. I am not exaggerating. It might have been the best first conversation I've ever had with anyone. His profile said he liked riddles, so I sent him a riddle, and he messaged back all EXCUSE ME MA'AM, YOUR IM IS TURNED OFF, which I thought was hilarious (sometimes all caps just works). So I turned my IM on and started talking with him. We talked about psychology, relationships, school, sex, and how he wanted me to show him around when he moved to the area in January (he lived a couple timezones away at the time). He was hot, and we had astoundingly good match percentages. I sent him a message a week or so after we chatted, but the next time I checked his profile, it was gone.

That time I got a lap dance

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Lap Dance CC BY 2.0

I don't think I've told y'all about when my boy and I went to this poly party that was more of a house party where we all chipped in for erotic dancers. I could go into detail about all the things that were weird about that night, but for now I'd like to tell you about my lap dance.

There were two erotic dancers. One was almost my height (I'm sort of tall for a girl), curvy, and sassy. The other dancer was shorter, thinner, shy, and had lovely round breasts. They started out in some short dresses and worked their way along until they were just wearing shoes. We all sat in chairs (there were probably twenty or thirty people watching these ladies dance) and stared as they made their way around, pausing to undulate in front of every other person or so. I wanted some attention from the curvier lady, but the other gal approached me and I didn't say no.

So here's the thing about me and women: they're still so new to me, and I am so turned on by them visually. I think I could watch a guy strip in front of me and not look like a grinning fool. It'd take some discipline and some tongue-biting, but I could do it, if I had to. But women? Oh god. I am just butter on a hot plate. There is no holding back my giddy, wide-eyed expression. And this is why I usually watch porn all by myself instead of engaging in group-viewing activities like strip clubs (or in this case, poly parties).

The thin dancer with the nice breasts comes up to me and starts doing her thing, and I hand her some bills. She smells nice. She rubs her ass on my lap. I know her skin is soft because she pulled me up to dance with her earlier in the show, and I grinned like a fool then, too. She smiles, but overall she's not as convincing as her colleague. I think she leaned in and asked if I was having a good time and all I could say was Yes. It was true, but I felt like I should've had some sort of game face on. It was almost too much. It certainly felt like too much for being in the presence of other people.

So that was my first lap dance. Brief, arousing, and more than a little awkward. I call it a success.

To my open-relationship-friendly friends

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 08:00:00 +0000

Heart of Light CC BY 2.0

You people fucking rock. I love every one of you, even if we're not the kind of friends who say "I love you" to each other.

You talk with me and you get my relationship(s). You want to hear how things are going. Who I'm crushing on. When I'm going to meet people. You want to hear about hilariously bad OkCupid profiles. You want to hear about the good dates, the bad dates, and the ones that matter. You want to hear about the confusion, the uncertainty, the nervousness, the fear, the joy, and the wonder.

You listen to me and I listen to you, and together we grow.

Thank you for being awesome. You accept and respect me and my choices and I am so grateful to have you in my life.

What the fuck can I do better in 2012?

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 10:00:00 +0000

I peeked back at my Resolutions for 2011 expecting to have failed miserably. And at first, I did...

Fuel Motivation Through Action (Translation: Have more sex)
I really don't know if I had more sex in 2011 than I had in 2010; you'd have to ask my boy about that. Oh nevermind, I asked him. He said we had more sex in 2010.* So there you have it.
Result: Fail.

But then I had these other two goals which weren't as related to my stress levels, and I fared better.

Write Posts Regularly
I published 104 blog posts in 2011. I realize they weren't evenly distributed, month to month, but I posted at least twice each month, so there weren't any gaping holes.
Result: Success.

Own My Identities
I've yet to use my Google+ circle "People who are cool with my open relationship" but at least I created it and put people in it. I've come out to a few other people about our open relationship, and they've been cool with it. I've been more open about my bisexuality, too. I've gone and met people for dates, which isn't really owning an identity, but it still feels like getting out there.
Result: Somewhat successful.

What's on tap for 2012?
Last year was more about long-term accomplishments, but this year I'm going with more of a checklist style.

Anal sex
Alright, this is happening. I've had my fun with fingers, plugs, and dildos, and I think it's about cock time.

Sex in public
I figure at the very least we can fuck in our backyard.

Play with those medical toys
I mean, hell, I've had them for a year and used them once, I think.

Role play more
I'd go into some big spiel about the motivations here, but I think I could always go for more role play.

Have rough-er sex
I don't go looking for rough sex in porn, but I've been known to get turned on by it in film, and even by certain acts of nonsexual violence. This resolution is more "dip my toes in the water" compared to the others, I think.

Strap on sex with a girl
It'd be cool to see how it feels to fuck a girl while wearing a harness, and I'd be down for being the receiver, too. Honestly, I'd just like to have what I had with Tina.

______________

*I'd like to note that I had zero pregnancy scares in 2011, compared to two in 2010. Silver lining?

Improve Your OkCupid Pictures

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 02:00:00 +0000

And please, no duck faces.
Photo source CC BY 2.0

Lousy pictures can really kill an otherwise awesome OkCupid profile. Here are some tips for posting better pictures, all gathered from my experiences viewing subpar profile pictures.

Windex is your friend
Mirror shots are easy because you can see if you're smile looks good and you can perfect your Seduction Eyes. But please clean the damn mirror before you go taking pictures of yourself in it.

The bathroom is boring
I've seen OkCupid profiles where all of the pictures (usually only three or four) were taken in the same spot: in front of the bathroom mirror. At the very least, change up the angle if you take all your shots in there! For better results, get pictures in different places.

Get away from the camera
Get a tripod. Get a friend to take your picture. Balance your phone somewhere. Whatever you do, get that camera more than an arm's length from you, so you and your arms can look natural.

Smile sometimes
The key word here is sometimes. I'm sure you have a knockout smile, but one or two photos is enough to illustrate it. A soft smile or a thoughtful expression can be attractive, too. Get some variety out there. Show your sexy face, then put your silly face on. If you post some comical or surprising pictures, they can help show people that you don't take yourself too seriously.

Edit lovingly
Black and white photos? Sure. Vintage look? Alright. Polaroid shot? Fine. Having all of your photos over-edited? Fake. Trim out other people, get the lighting right so we can see your face, and use the Rule of Thirds as you wish. But don't go overboard unless you really are a Fakey

Caption with purpose
On OkCupid, you can add a caption to your photos, and unless your photos are incredibly entertaining on their own, I recommend adding captions. They can help people connect with and remember you. Think about the caption as an opportunity to give a brief tour of the picture, make people laugh, or ask people a question about the photo.

Have fun with your pictures!

Oliver: Be forward, get what you want

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 20:00:00 +0000

Back in August I found this guy's profile on OkCupid and thought he was pretty hot, but he didn't have a word on his profile yet. He'd answered some questions, though, and we were a pretty high match % / low enemy %, so I shot him a message. I told him he should put some stuff on his profile so I could tell him something besides "Hey dude, you're hot."

He replied a couple days later, was into me, and had added just a few lines here and there on his profile. That was cool, but the next time I replied, I didn't hear back. I saw him visit my profile a few days later, so I popped over to his so he might see that, Yeah, I'd still like to hear from ya, but still no reply.

Alright, I let it go. Change of mind, whatever. No problem. People blow me off and I blow people off all the time.

But this guy...he kept coming back to my profile. Every couple weeks I'd see his cute fucking face on my visitors page. The first couple times, I'd think, Ooh, maybe he'll write back, but then when he didn't, I'd just glare at his avatar when it showed up as a visitor. What the fuck, dude? You just like reading my sentences? Are you getting off to my G-rated pictures? Do you know there's wayyyy better porn out there?

I checked my visitors last week and there he was, yet again. Not only that, but he was online with chat enabled. Something snapped in me. I was in an aggressive mood and wanted to see if he would nut up and talk to me. I wanted answers, goddammit! Well, I wanted to at least see what he'd say. So I hit him up on IM...and live tweeted about it, which was so silly.

And, well, you can read the twitter timeline below. Bottom to top, you know how Twitter works...

I could write an instructional post called "How to Win Over Women" based on our conversation, but that's for another time. He said "Let's continue soon" at the end of the conversation. Who the fuck talks like that? This guy, I guess. So I had to find him a name that went along with that way of speaking. I think Oliver suits him.

A tip for bi girls on OkCupid

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 02:00:00 +0000

The situation: You're considering both men and women for dates (basically just looking for someone awesome) and you'd really like to find a hot girl but you're having a hard time combing through the oodles of men on the site.

The tip: Set your profile to say you're looking for "girls who like girls" and make a note in your profile that you're also interested in guys but are mainly there for women. Pro tip: Put the note a little ways down in the profile so it's not super obvious (i.e. not the first line of the My self-summary and not the first line in the You should message me if section).

If you are a bisexual girl and you're looking for "guys and girls who like bi girls," you might find that you get way, way, WAY more men visiting your profile than women. I did. I mean, there are a ton more men who like women on there than women who like women; it's not really that surprising. When I have it set to "guys and girls" I'll get a lot of messages from dudes, a lot of "Someone chose you!" emails about guys, and all those damn Quiver matches that hardly ever contain women. It's hard enough to find available girls who are into girls, so use those filters wisely. You can go hunt for men in the Match Search if you want one. They're still out there!

Back in 2010 when I was mainly looking for women, I had guys hit up my profile, plenty of them, really, but I got to see a significant percentage of women, too. I can't remember if it was half and half or what, but there were a good batch of ladies. You know what I also got back in 2010? Thoughtful messages from guys who'd actually read my profile, seen the note, and thought, Well, I have a shot if I don't talk about my cock in a message. And they were sometimes right.

Then came 2011 and I set it to "guys and girls" and holy shit, I might as well have just said "guys." My weekly visitor count soared but I would only see four or five ladies per hundred visitors. So sad.

So think about what you want, bi girls. Women who like women are often harder to find, so don't feel bad about prioritizing. If you want to talk to guys, too, the ones worth talking to will see your note and hit you up, (but don't be shy about checking your visitors and messaging the hot guys). You get to be more in control about who is talking to you, and you can still seek out whoever you want in the Match Search if your profile isn't bringing in good connections on its own.

Good luck out there.

Brennan: Just go with it

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 08:00:00 +0000

I've mentioned this guy before, but I didn't have a name for him then.

I met Brennan online earlier this year, but not through the usual OkCupid venue. When I met him, my boy and I weren't open, and I wasn't in a dating mindset. I didn't consider Brennan in a romantic or sexual way until one afternoon when we started talking about the Home Depot and power tools, of all things. And somehow we went from power tools to Halloween costumes to threesomes to Hey, you want to meet up in a couple weeks? Meeting someone in person isn't usually a big deal, but this guy lives some 500 miles from me. But sure, if that's what he'd like to do with his weekend, that's cool.

We exchanged some emails, made some plans, and a couple weeks later he flew in and I went to meet him on a Saturday night. We'd been all casual, saying "no expectations" and "just see what happens" but he knew I wanted him, I mean, to whatever degree you can want someone you've never met in person. And he seemed to want me, too, which is totally understandable (come on, I'm pretty awesome and hot). Regardless of mutual attraction, meeting up still seemed kind of crazy, but I went with it.

I met him at a bar and we talked a bit before going to dinner. It rained on the walk to the restaurant, but after dinner it'd practically stopped, just barely a mist. He still got his umbrella out so I'd get under it with him, which was kind of funny. I mean, I'd have gotten up close to him anyway, regardless of any need for shelter. Even though it wasn't raining, it was pretty damn windy, and the wind blew so hard it broke the umbrella.

I can't remember whether there was any discussion about where we were going after dinner. I think he asked me if I wanted to get a drink, and I said I didn't, but I said it in that way that really meant Can we stop with this date stuff and go back to your room? At that point I was in the mindset that, yeah, this whole thing was a very good idea.

So we skipped the bar and went up to his room and, well, as we landed on the bed I was in totally new territory. I'd never had sex on a first date before. I hardly knew this guy. Luckily, I wasn't thinking about any of that. I'm introspective, sure, but when there's a hot guy on top of me? Please. I'm in the moment. I was pretty damn turned on and enjoyed myself quite a bit.

That's not to say it was all awesome (though most of it was). At one point I considered leaving because of something he said; it wasn't malicious, but it certainly wasn't helping things. I was kind of put off, and I thought it might be better to cut my losses and leave before it got too late for me to take a train home. But I didn't leave. My curiosity got the better of me, and I'm glad it did.

We had sex, which was exciting and felt good, but honestly I felt like I didn't know how to please him. I mean, yeah, I can fuck a cock, but I didn't feel on top of my game. Lots of newness at and nervousness at play.

Afterward, he ordered a couple smoothies and we vegged out a little. I think it was at this point that he said he was in town until Monday, and asked if I would stay with him on Sunday night, which caught me off guard. I looked at him and said, "You're actually having a good time, aren't you..." and he smiled a faint smile as he looked away.

But I couldn't stay Sunday night. I didn't know he was staying (he says he told me earlier, I don't remember this) and I'd told my boy I'd get back on Sunday night, not Monday, and that's what I was going to do.

We slept for a little while. I woke up around four or five a.m. and slid up next to him, kissing him. "You can tell me to fuck off if you want," I said, and he replied, "Why would I do that?" I don't know, you're tired? Whatever, didn't matter, we fucked again.

The next day (er, when we woke up a few hours later) we went to a game and then met up with another couple for dinner. I didn't expect him to touch me so much while we were in public; I guess I was still in the one-off mindset I arrived with on Saturday. But most of the time he was by my side, he'd have a firm hold on my hand. Or he'd have his arm around my waist, pull me to him for a kiss, place his hand over mine as we sat, or reach over to my knee. I was pleasantly surprised at how things just worked.

Sunday evening crept in; it was time for me to go home. I thanked him for visiting, for the dinner, for the game, for all of it. I told him I'd miss him. He kissed me like any girl would want to be kissed when she's about to leave. I know you can't stay but if I just keep kissing you...maybe? At least that was my interpretation.

I don't think I talked to anyone between the hotel and my car at the train station. The station was deserted when I arrived. The quiet and solitude made it feel like I'd crossed back into my usual dimension of reality instead of just traveling a few miles east. I started the engine and looked at the clock. Had I really stepped out of the car just 28 hours earlier?

I drove home in kind of a haze, showered, and examined the marks on my neck. As I slid into bed, I noticed a text on my phone from Brennan, saying I'd forgotten a pair of panties at the hotel. *facepalm* But hey, that text was a good sign. Maybe I'd actually see that man again.

On one aspect of so-called "female privilege"

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 08:00:00 +0000

Back in November, Roland Hulme wrote an article about female privilege on Sexis Magazine, and I wasn't impressed by it. Privilege, as I understand it, is something you are born into and something based on how society perceives you. The comments on the article cover a lot of issues that I had with the piece, but there was one I wanted to address here.

A woman can embrace a stranger’s child without raising alarm — a man who does so would be considered “creepy.” (via Is There Such a Thing as Female Privilege?)

The reason this generalization is often considered true illustrates one of the aspects of male privilege: that men are perceived as being strong and mighty. Women can go coo at babies and hug children because we are not threatening (totally a generalization, I know). I don't pose a threat to someone if I walk up to them and say how cute their child is, or smile warmly at a parent carrying a toddler. It's with this same mentality that I am afraid to walk alone at night or to be alone in strange places. I do not feel like I am a threat to anyone; I do not come across as strong or threatening (or if I do, society sure hasn't told me). I like children, sure, but I strongly dislike that prickly feeling of the hairs standing up on the back of my neck whenever I am near a stranger in a situation where I am not sure of an escape route or exit. I reject the notion that it is a privilege to seem non-threatening.

When can you trust a sex partner?

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 03:17:00 +0000

Let's say you meet someone and start dating them. You're both crazy about each other and you start fucking and it's all awesome. At some point you have some kind of half-awkward, half-romantic conversation about how you want to be exclusive. You both agree that you won't fuck other people, and after you both get tested for STIs you can start having that delicious unprotected sex. Do you trust them at this point? Do you expect them to trust you?

Maybe I'm just a naive girl who's totally off her rocker, but I think at some point you've got to trust somebody if you want to fuck them sans barriers. Both of you have to own up to the very real potentials of sex (infections, disease, pregnancy) and decide if that hot, slippery enjoyment is worth those risks. You either have to take their word or just always fuck them like you'd fuck anyone you just met in a bar.

Whatever your time line is, at some point it's got to seem silly not to trust them if they've (seemingly) been honest the whole time you've known them.

And it's with this mindset that I raise an eyebrow at part of Dan Savage's response to Pregnant in Threesome in this week's Savage Love column. At the end of his first answer, Dan says:

To all the other nonmonogamous straight couples out there: Not using condoms with your other is fucking stupid. Using condoms with others is important not just to prevent disease but, if your other is a dude, to prevent paternity scares like the one PIT is having. And you should be using condoms with your other, male or female, regardless of safe-sex conversations or assurances that your other isn't banging anyone else. Unless your other lives in a cage in your basement—very hot, not very practical—you have no way of knowing for sure that your other doesn't have other others. (via the Savage Love column Good Friends)

He's got the right idea if your goal is having the safest sex you can have. Always using condoms is safer than never using them or only sometimes using them (And of course, it's best to use protection with new/casual/short-term partners). But I've got to ask, can they ever trust the word of this person with whom they have (regular, consistent, awesome) threesomes? I think, possibly quite naively, that they can and should at some point.

If I were fucking a couple on a regular basis for a while, I'd feel pretty shitty if they didn't believe me when I told them I wasn't fucking anyone else. I'd feel shitty if they didn't believe me no matter what the partner situation was, really. Yes, ideally everyone would be on some kind of birth control if pregnancy is a concern. But the situation between the couple and this new person in the relationship (whether you're calling it casual or serious) very well may mirror the path of the initial two-person relationship. And if it does, I'm not sure why a couple should be less trusting this (relatively) new person than they were of each other when they first met.

I'm coming at this issue with the mindset that this threesome thing is a long-term endeavor. Whether the goal is some kind of polyfidelity relationship or a casual long term arrangement, I don't think they need to have someone locked in a cage in order to trust them. And if they do, why the hell are they fucking this person in the first place? "We can't really trust you, but my god, you're hot, get those pants off!"

My sex memory sucks

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 08:45:00 +0000

It's quite possible for me to tell you whether sex was good or bad. And I can tell you when it happened and in general terms, like the location or positions, what we did. But I can't usually recall after the fact how I felt during a specific moment, or visualize how things were happening, unless I did something incredibly new or startling, and even those things will fade.

I realized my sex memory sucked pretty soon after I started having PIV sex. I think my boy asked me what parts I liked best or some other question like that, and I said I didn't know. I didn't mean it in a mean way, or in that cop-out "All of it was amazing, honey! I can't pick a favorite part!" way. I just meant, in all seriousness, that I didn't know because I couldn't remember. He seemed a little put off by this, which in retrospect was understandable, but in the moment I felt like some kind of trick were being played. How can you answer a memory question when you have little or no recollection of the event?

Like I often do when conflicts arise, I did some introspection and tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I remember sex in this vivid, visual way like my boy could? It took a while to hit me: I just don't get much from that type of memory. Nothing's "wrong" with me, and there's not a right or wrong way to retain (or filter) memories about sex.

I am a very visual person when I am in foreplay mode. I enjoy erotic photos, naked photos, people looking sexy in suits or dresses or whatever they're rocking. I like good hair and smooth skin and long legs and perky, round breasts. I like six packs and hip lines and quad muscles. Yum, yum, yum...

And then I get into sex mode. I'm turned on, and something switches. My eyes close more easily, my skin gets more sensitive, my ears want words, and my mouth wants to kiss and bite and suck and moan. My eyes? They're happy. They got their treats and they're really not part of the arousal loop anymore. They're more involved in watching my partner's face and body. I want to see if they're happy. I like looking at their body; I'm still devouring it, but my eyes mostly serve as guiding instruments so I know where to put my hands or mouth. In those moments, I am 100% coherent, present, alive, and usually pretty damn happy. But I'm not recording through my eyes.

When it's all over, my senses go back to their usual balance, but arousal isn't usually a priority at that point.

Later the next day or whenever I'm aroused / getting off, what lingers? What do I remember from the sex? I could probably tell you how the foreplay started, and how we moved from foreplay to oral or manual or PIV or whatever, and the positions and such. But I usually don't get off to that.

The words and sounds are what stick with me. I'll usually remember the words very well. I'll remember what was said or how my partner breathed or moaned or growled. I'll remember how things felt, sometimes, to a point, but that's not very often. Coupling the sensations with words/sounds can help, but it's still pretty hit or miss. I won't remember how good the orgasms were, or how loud I got, or what I said afterward. I just won't. Sometimes that makes me sad, but it shouldn't. I don't think I can long for something I've not lost.

If you've read about what gets me off, this post probably doesn't come as much of a surprise. I don't usually fantasize with visuals, and if I do, they usually aren't actual events. I read a lot (a LOT) of erotica before I ever saw actual porn. The romance/sex scenes I saw in non-porn movies were hot, sure, but I didn't get off to them. I often just remembered the lines from them. I explored a lot of my sexuality in written form, possibly similar to how some people explore through (visual) porn. I think the erotica and sex blogs helped shape how I experience and remember sex. I don't think there's anything wrong with this experience, but perhaps it's not common. Is it? How do you remember sex?

From friends to more than friends

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 00:53:00 +0000

A while ago, a friend asked me how to go from friends to friends with benefits or fuckbuddies or whatever casual arrangement you're looking for. He said he thought it'd be awkward or weird to do. I've been mulling it over, and here's my take on the issue of telling a friend you'd like to be more than friends. This issue is pretty complex so I'll try to touch on different aspects of why it might be weird and ways to work around them.

So you've got this friend and you want to sex them up...

They're hot, right?
I'm assuming you find them attractive, and that if you consider them a friend, that you've known them for at least a month or so. If you haven't known them a month I feel like it shouldn't be that weird to just hit on them like you would anyone else you've just met, so why do you need advice? Alright, you've known them for a little while and they're (still) attractive to you. Do you think about how hot they are when you see them? Do you daydream about them, even just a little? Get those thoughts flowing and get your head out of the friend zone even if you aren't acting on those urges just yet.

Start with sarcasm
Do you flirt with them? Does the person know that you find them attractive? If your friendship is already the flirty kind, you might as well skip this section and the next one, too. You're already in the right mindset and they're probably used to seeing you in flirty mode, so go get 'em. If your friendship is more of the reserved variety, I recommend starting with some playful sarcasm. Get a little self-defeatist without taking any major blows. You know, you've got to wear long sleeves or else people will be lusting after your guns, or something equally silly. Get the person thinking about your body, your face, or your talents. Get them to think about something that they'll like about you, however it works best for you. Laugh with them, smile with them.

Am I joking?
So you've done a couple of these jokes and you've made the friend smile and/or laugh, or at least you've gotten them thinking about your body. If they've commented that you're acting strange, well, you can either own up to it (skip to the next section) or play it off, or give them one of those smiles that's like, "Well yes, but I'm not telling you why yet." Your choice. Now you've got to change from being obviously sarcastic to being possibly sarcastic. And you've got to start talking about them instead of about you. Instead of saying you'll have to beat people off of you with a stick (over the top), say that your friend's [article of clothing] really brings out their eyes. Say it in a way that's light-hearted and playful, not serious. See how they respond. Or if they're going out somewhere, tell them not to lead too many people on, or something along those lines, to establish the idea that they can totally seduce people. Make them wonder if you're joking or serious. When you talk about your friend with these lines, always make the lines compliments if they were true. This is about subtle praise and connection. Tread carefully, but still share those smiles, those looks.

Do you want them? Then go do something about it.
How long you do those previous two steps is up to you. It could be a couple days or a couple weeks, depending on how often you interact and what kind of rapport you're trying to establish. Now it's time to get real. I don't know how the friend has responded to these lines, but hopefully you've warmed up your connection a little bit. There are two general ways I can see this going down, and you should know which is best for your situation by now. If you don't, you're probably better off just asking them out on a date or something traditional like that, and seeing how things go from there. These things are more for casual relationships that are more about the body heat than the storybook romance.

Use your words and tell them!
You could just start here, really, and ignore those first four paragraphs. You could tell them that you like them / want to make out with them / want to fuck them, straight up out of the blue. But I feel like it'll come across better if you at least try to flirt with them first. Plus, you'll have a chance to see whether they respond to you in that way without making things weird. It's up to you to decide how it'd be best to tell them. If you and your friend do date-like things already (going out to dinner, walking/hiking, grabbing a drink/coffee), maybe it'd be easiest to tell them on one of those date-like things. Or you could just tell them some random day when you're talking with them / hanging out. It'd probably be best to do it at a time when you're conversing anyway. Then you're already sharing things, connecting, and you just gotta nut up and say it.

Or, don't use your words.
I'm a little more hesitant about this one because it's inherently riskier. It's also more exciting. You know how they've responded to your lines. Is there hope? Is there chemistry? Then go for it. Kiss her. Take her hand. Take his arm. Stop on a walk and just pull them in toward you. And yeah, you can pause. You can linger and watch their eyes, if you want. You can touch them in some gentle way (taking the hand or arm, sliding up next to them on the couch or while standing) and then use words to help explain the situation. But maybe you won't have to explain. Maybe they'll be tingling when you touch them. Maybe they won't. I don't know if "cautious assertion" is possible, but in my head it sounds like the best approach.

Be realistic.
It might be awkward.. It might be awkward the whole time. It might just be awkward the next day or something. It might be weird right after you tell them / get close to them / whatever. You might want/need to have a conversation about how long you've felt like this and all that stuff (and by that, I mean they might ask you some questions). If you're out somewhere with them, and you drove there together, the ride home might be uncomfortable. Consider the logistics of the situation when you decide how to let them know you'd like to make out with them. Or, at least, be aware of what might ensue on both the awkward and awesome ends of the spectrum. Good luck!

Why I've complained about my relationships

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 09:05:00 +0000

A few days ago, one of the lovely people I follow on Twitter posted this tweet. It reads, in case you didn't click it, "I've always found it annoying when people complain about relationships. Like "Why are you together then!?" But now I do the same thing."

That got me thinking about when and why I've complained about relationships. Here's what I came up with:

I've complained because...

I wasn't getting what I needed from him and I didn't know how to ask for it.
I felt wronged but wasn't sure who was at fault, and either way I didn't know how to deal with it.
I wanted him to care, or I felt like he didn't care.
I was worried that I'd lose him.
He'd done something that pissed me the hell off, and while I wasn't over it yet, I knew I wasn't going to leave him for it.

I think all of the things I've said about my partners can be boiled down to one of those items up there. Those five could probably be boiled down further, too.

You know when I didn't complain about my relationships? When I was almost ready to end them. At those times, instead of complaining, I'd go to one close friend and bounce the situation off of them, make sure I wasn't just losing it temporarily, then go and do it. End it. By that time, I wasn't in complaining mode. I'd accepted that things weren't going to work out and that I had to tell him. I was reserved and quiet, not wound up or strung out on the guy or the relationship. It wasn't that I didn't care, but that I wasn't unsure anymore.

I think I complained the most about my relationships when I was unsure about some aspect of my partner, myself, or the relationship. Uncertainty seems to be the root of complaints. When I couldn't rattle out some answer from my head, sometimes I'd get frustrated and go to a friend and be like I DON'T GET IT and I think it would help, usually, if only to admit that I didn't know what was going on. Most of the stuff I'd bitch about could have been resolved if I'd known how to talk to my partner.

I feel like most of the time when I complain about a relationship, it's because I wish it were better, not gone, and I just don't know what to do to improve it. What about you? Do you complain to people about your relationships? Is there a common root for your complaints?

I don't think it would work as a needle point quote, but whatever

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:08:00 +0000

I'm not sure why style and sex bounce around in my head together, but it happens on occasion. Maybe it's an insecurity thing.

I have no style. I mean, I feel like my body looks good in the clothes I wear, but I have no clue about style beyond color matching, and it pains me to try to care. I am so grateful for my friends who help me shop for new clothes. The same thing goes for home furnishings. I can look at stuff in a store, little drawer handles or something, and think, "That's ugly" or "That's attractive" but I have no idea why or whether my tastes are modern or old fashioned or post-apocalyptic. And I don't care. I am happily restrained in the strong, enduring grip of my pragmatism. I guess style and sex go together in my head because I feel very little pull to impress anyone with my sense of style, but my body, on the other hand, is pretty important to me. I like to feel good and look good when my clothes come off. It boils down to something like...

I have no sense of style but when we're naked I don't think you'll care about my jeans or the light fixtures anymore.

But seriously, please tell me if you do, so I can kick your ass out.

p.s. I realize that some kind of sexual ensemble could be pretty attractive, like if the lighting were set up well to set a mood and some colors were repeated around the room that tied into some sexy times. But so much of that mood setting goes in in my head that the rest of the space can be pretty inconsequential. I want to fuck people, not ensembles.

More genuine, less polished

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:40:00 +0000

When someone looks at my OkCupid profile, decides I'm attractive, and sends me a thoughtful message, I'm flattered. People come look at my profile, and they see my pictures, my words, and the labels I've chosen for myself. They see the questions I choose to answer and make public. They read about me, but it's all very polished and structured. It's great when someone feels an attraction toward me after that, and decides to write, and we connect.

It's very different when someone first sees me through a more realistic lens. When they see me in everyday mode, where I'm not trying to seduce anyone, when I'm happy or sleepy or frustrated or afraid or indifferent, they get a more well-rounded picture of who I am. They get a version of me that is much more genuine, less polished, more candid and, over time, less reserved. And after all of that, when they come to me and say, Hey, I like you, that revelation hits a lot harder. I can't just chalk it up to some well-chosen pictures.

It's also a lot different when someone knows about this blog, and has already suggested a name for what I might call him, if I chose to write about him on here. That's pretty new territory for me.

So that's where I am with this new guy.

Moral breakdown: The heart of my fantasies

noreply@blogger.com (Rockin' with a Cock in) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 09:25:00 +0000

My most delicious fantasies have some sort of power exchange element in them. It's not just the difference in power, mind you, but the actual change or exchange of power that is arousing. It's not that surprising to get off to things that are "wrong." But I don't have a list of "wrong" activities that I like to do that turn me on. What's hot is going back on what you've promised to yourself or to someone else. The moral breakdown is what arouses me. Breaking your word. Being broken.

I'm not sure if it's the breakdown itself or the other person's control that drives these sorts of fantasies. I think both play a significant role in getting me off, and I'll focus on one or the other or both depending on the daydream.

Because it's the actual breaking and not the aftermath that arouses me, I'm not very turned on by long-term power exchange arrangements. Viewing someone as my permanent submissive or dominant loses its appeal fairly quickly. Of course I haven't tried this on a long term basis; I simply have little interest in doing so. Instead, that reluctant submission, whether on my part or someone else's, is incredibly hot. This might be related to why I am a switch, why I like to wrestle with partners, and why I only occasionally submit without struggle. I don't feel suited in either a clean-cut dominant or submissive role, but instead like to challenge a partner to see how we work best.

So where does this mentality lead my fantasies? It leads me to seduction in its many forms. A lot of I want to, but I know you shouldn't... whether I'm on the giving or receiving end. I've dreamed of making chaste men stray from their not-until-marriage vows. I've thought about being cornered in a professional situation where colleagues might see us. And I've enjoyed watching scenarios of infidelity unfold in film or television dramas. But that's a topic for another day.