Lil' Man Xan with the Master Plan

Fake it 'till I Make it...

2010-12-06T07:15:00.000-08:00

While enduring another day at the grind, I was asked a very serious and 'career advancing' question.

Do I have any previous experience on the big screen?

I thought back to the US Open....

... and just saved myself from 9 months of acting class.

ASPCA

2010-11-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

Thinking it was just another rudimentary day in my cement park, I got about to normal business.

Frolic amongst the potted plants on steroids,

perfect my 3 point stance,

bask in the sunlight...

and remind the wildlife I'm King of this concrete jungle!

I come at full speed, mane flowing in the wind and roaring at the top of my lungs.

No better feeling than watching my prey fear, understand ...

and obey me.

Seconds later, Im surrounded by what I assume to be the ASPCA ... and they aint havin' it.

I am not so sure what their banner says, but judging by their tone of voice and timing I'm almost positive it has something to do with animal rights.

Watching them fist pump without house music playing begins to frighten me.

Fearing for my life and not knowing how to say in their language, "I'm one of you now.... Let me sign right below Michael Vick," I think fast on my feet and give them the universal sign for the animal rights conversion.

I walk right up to the nearest tree...

size that sucker up,

and embrace it, planting a kiss to make it authentic.

Still looking the tree straight in the face... I believe I hear the Captain tell the First Officer in Command to withdraw the troops.

They cease and desist.

My life has been spared.

And just like that my pigeon heckling days are over.

unHappy HallowEat Me

2010-11-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

Apologies for the lack of posts last week. You will soon understand.

First and foremost - lets all give thanks. October is over.

I hate Halloween.

Im well aware what I just said could be considered blasphemy so in defense of Halloween hatred, please bare with me and take a walk down memory lane.

One year ago ... October 2009.

Clearly the only time of year Ma gets to publicly humiliate me without fear of spotting a social worker.

After multiple attempts to finding the perfect costume and indulge in her inner desire to torture me....

she finds The One.

Without even changing me out of my street clothes, she shoves me into a banana suit and hands me a used plastic grocery sack telling me "Snickers only."

Im wearing a banana suit boldly displaying a blue "Certified Organic Banana" sticker, and this crazy woman has me carrying a plastic grocery bag. Im not only a fruit, but also a walking oxymoron.

Harsh lesson learned: Trick's on me, Treats for Ma.

Its bad enough chicks tell me I'm completely unappealing ....

but being laughed at by my boys is borderline abominable.

Id rather join my new found peers and face the sudden death of consumption then provide Ma the satisfaction of ruining my image.

I find the hungriest looking thing walking on two legs, punch him in the mouth and tell him to eat me.

Seething due to my brilliance and realizing she was on the brink of being outsmarted, Ma whisks me away from the jaws of the angry dinosaur.

And my punishment?

Instead of going straight home, we stop at my neighborhood Halloween party.

Between listening to superman complain about his sweaty armpits,

and Mr. Rent-a-Cop wine about the waist band of his pants,

It's obvious these so called men could never survive tough love.

Now lets get current. Goodbye '09....

This year Ma teased me by letting me decide the theme for my costume.

Wanting everything I could NOT achieve with the banana suit - my costume request is genius, infallible and well.... obvious.

Halloween 2010... Ladies and Gentlemen: I. AM. A. PRO. ATHLETE.

Annnnnnd.... The enemy strikes again.

Looking like a tasteless cereal from the front and a fake n baked Sponge Bob from the back...

sympathetic people off the street start handing me money instead of candy,

however no dollar amount could repair this annual humiliation.

Being dragged to yet another halloween party, I nervously anticipate a girlfriends' reaction to my costume.

Expecting to see Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Shoeless Joe Jackson- needless to say she was clearly disappointed and well... disgusted by my inability to outsmart Ma.

And as soon I turn my back, who is she all over? The next best looking guy at the party.

Refusing to be manipulated by yet another woman- I gave her an ultimatum. Its either him or me.

Waiting in misery we both sat internally struggling with the possibility of rejection.

She obviously likes her men not resembling breakfast foods.

Infuriated by both parents, I shamefully act on impulse.

In attempt to slap some sense into Ma

followed by throwing a left jab and threat to Pa

I gain nothing but a wounded hand.

Once thinking trumping the misery of my banana suit was impossible, I learned two more important lessons. First- violence is never the answer.

and second? It can always get worse.

We've now come full circle.

___________________________________

Oh, and as a side note to the parental units:

You'll pay for this.

"Strawberry Yogurt" Starring ME: Master P(ee)

2010-10-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

The floors were immaculate. So shiny I could see my reflection. I had just got out of the bathtub and I believe for the first time everything in our little world was squeaky clean and sterile. Ma was on a cleaning rampage and altho only a few feet from me I realized this was the perfect opportunity remind her of my purpose on earth. Her life should not look this orderly or faultless. Not with me in it!

Aaaaahhhh yes. She forgot to lock the fridge.

Man Code: Drink Sharing

2010-10-18T09:46:00.000-07:00

Sharing a beverage with a Woman:

They casually grab the drink from my hands, without even asking or acknowledging the fact they wish to partake in my beverage. This sly action gives the impression they are trying, in some way, to do me a favor. Perhaps hold the cup for me as I reposition the straw?

Before I catch on to their bait and switch, consumption is underway...

As I watch in horror, occasionally I'll get the "what 'chu gonna do 'bout it?" stare down and the two finger death grip.

Detecting my defeat, women continue to pound my beverage quicker than a 19 year old frat boy. Wallowing in torture and thirst, I can do nothing but swallow saliva.

Holding back a fountain of tears, the drink is returned with nothing but watered down ice cubes.

Relishing in success, trickery and my destruction, the infamous smile spreads over their face as they victimize yet another thirsty man.

How they expect us to continue on throughout the day as if nothing ever happened is beyond me...

Sharing a drink with a Man:

An extremely thirsty male relative or friend asks for a gulp of my drink. The liquid divide is discussed and we make an agreement. Admittingly I still hesitate before giving the go ahead...

I then remember the unspoken agreement between men: the dude bumming the drink isn't allowed to put his lips on the bottle.

I reluctantly shove my drink in his direction giving him the OK.

Witnessing the unspoken rule in action, and drinking just enough to satisfy his needs... I smile in deep appreciation. Any reluctance vanishes and I enjoy helping a friend in need.

The interaction is completely seamless. I'm given back my drink in seconds and mentally prepare for another blissful indulgence.

I put the bottle to my lips, close my eyes...

... and embrace complete ecstasy.

Thirst quenched and satisfied I slam down the bottle with deeper love for the man code.

Fake it 'till I make it

2010-10-13T19:27:00.001-07:00

While enduring another day at the grind, I was asked a very serious and 'career advancing' question.

Do I have any previous experience on the big screen?

I thought back to the US Open....

... and just saved myself from 9 months of acting class.

The kid's gotta eat...

2010-10-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Anytime Ma steals a bite of my food, a kid yanks a toy from me, or someone sleeps in my bed- I instinctively yell, "No, Mine!"

Ma consistently counters with, "Nothing's yours until you buy it yourself."

I can no longer handle watching infants slobber on my choo choo trains or sharing one more bite of my scrumptios applesauce... all because of why? I didn't buy it?? It's time I get a job.

Considering Ma has a camera in my face 24/7 I decided its about time I get compensated for it. Unfortuneately I couldn't convince her to pay up, so I found someone who would. They saw a few mug shots and called me for an interview.

I had a terrible nights sleep and my newly appointed 'reliable' manager slept through her alarm clock, waking me up minutes before our appointment. First words out of my mouth the moment I awoke, "I want meatballs." A few minutes later I was eating the breakfast of champions from a ziplock bag and my manager and I were cabbin' it to 5th ave.

The ride was strenuous. Was selfishness enough upside for the price of being a working man? And aren't all of Ma's annoying pictures already enough to make me crazy?

Arriving with seconds to spare, and feeling flustered I sat on a stoop a few blocks away from our destination to deal with a minor breakdown.

"GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

This is ridiculous! I'm two, I shouldn't have to get a job just to own some real estate.

"Just stop eating my food... just leave my dump truck alone!"

"Curse you all!"

A few moments later I pulled myself together and gazed into the two feet of visible hazy sky. I did just come all this way and eat about 20 meatballs from a plastic bag...

Went in, gave a few high fives, told them a bit about myself and took a tour of the office space. Minutes later I walked out with a contract containing all of their signatures and some blank spaces for mine.

During the cab ride home, I read through every page and took notes on any notable pros and cons.

Was I really ready to be a working man?

In case you have poor eyesight and can't read my writing:

-Pros

I'll finally get to say 'No Mine' without being corrected

Maybe Mom will take less pictures of me

Free food on set could mean less of Ma's vegetables

Could save up to buy Dad that yacht he always wanted

Depending on the shoot, I'd have temporary Moms who are hot, size 0, and 6 feet tall

-Cons

Need to worry if I bash my head in at the playground and bruise my massive head

May have to wear nothing but a diaper during a shoot, misrepresenting the fact Im nearly potty trained

I couldn't decide if the pros outweighed the cons, the cabby had bad BO and I felt a migraine coming on.

I needed to get out of the vehicle fast and take a moment to collect my thoughts. I jumped out at the nearest putting green.

As any mature individual would, I decided to leave the career decision up to the golf Gods. 7 perfect puts and I'm a working man.

I now have what most of you lost two years ago.... my short game.

Oh yeah, and a job.

Mom- no more exploiting my face for free... call Ford if you want to book me. Don't hate... congratulate.

And spit out that Cheerio kid, go buy your own.

Green between the Toes

2010-10-10T00:46:00.000-07:00

I was hungry. Ma was in the middle of cooking dinner and gave me a 'snack' to tie me over. She tried to camouflage some green beans with butter and freshly grated parmesan cheese... and then left me alone with the poorly disguised enemy.

I carefully assessed the crisis and realized I could indeed save the hostages.

I only did what any good man would do.

Consumed every bit of cheese and held those traitors captive by my grubby lil' keepers.

I gave them each the stare down, one by one.

Then pulled them in close, rested my arms behind my head and remained as calm as possible.

Proving once again... I fear nothing.

Apples for Apples

2010-10-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ma dragged us to Apple Store because she got the iphone and doesn't know how to use it. 'Dragged' meaning raining outside, Mom of course in heels, both of us tromping up and down sopping wet and fungus crawling subway stairs, and schlepping her purse, laptop, 3 hard drives, me, and the stroller. What's comical about it all is I've mastered my Dad's iPhone so this trip was completely unecessary, but she won't let me touch hers to fix it. Go figure.

I walked in plotting the perfect tantrum to throw and embarrass my Mother. However right when I took a deep breath to let out an amazing high pitched yelp I spotted a Kid's computer section! Finally! Did they set this up in preparation for my arrival? My golden opportunity finally presented itself. Ma wont let me use her equipment to prove I'm capable but she can't stop me from using these!

Ma selected the computer and I bellied on up.

Of course. She sits me right next to the smart asian kid... she knew exactly what she was doing. Regardless of how tech savvy I may be, nothing looks impressive in comparison to his HTML code writing gibberish.

And to think....My own Mother... setting me up for failure.

What's this? A faint glimmer of hope? These are my people! Dora, Diego, Wonder Pets... don't fail me now.

That's right kid... you like that? You're not the only one with tricks up his sleeves.

Ma you seeing this?

Sure kid, you may know the ins and outs of every operating system, but can you dominate this evil dragon to save Lady Dora, by perfectly tapping the space bar?

Go ahead, send your muscle, try to intimidate me....

And yet another man in a suit come to spy on my skills...

Heh? Did I hear a YAWN over my left shoulder? He's not impressed?

What's this? Smart asian dude can design and troubleshoot internal computer networks AND help Dora save the crystal kingdom?

This is a conspiracy!!!

Happy Birthday Olivia

2010-10-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

Freestyle Bio

2010-10-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

Disregard the bedhead below... I just woke up and felt the need to flow.

Lyrics:

I've got a fro, people love to feel

I'm terrible two and I keep it real

Im a monster, a terror, and I ain't cheap

Making sure my Ma earns her keep

I'm a big deal, in New York City

Camera in my face, good thing I'm pretty

Know you want to, peek what I've done

You think thats bad? I've just begun.

"Dummer Dude"

2010-10-01T02:49:00.000-07:00

Something you should know about me. I use a cup.

Tossed bottles aside before the age of 1 and kicked sippies 6 months ago. I feel a chest hair breaking through any day now.

Back to this cup. Ma fills the sucker with milk and I take what I want from it, open the fridge and place it on the shelf that's easily accessible. When I want more, I get it myself.

Ma was busy cleaning a poopisode in my bathroom. Lucky her. Conversation goes as follows (keep in mind my speech hasn't caught up with my brain and for some reason I often repeat things I hear. Trust me, I'm tougher than I sound):

Me: "Milp Pease!!"

Ma: "Get it yourself, your cup is in the fridge"

Me: "Oh. Oh tay."

Open fridge, cup is empty. I hate when I put an empty cup in the fridge.... a total pump fake! I throw the fake out in the sink. Time to fend for myself.... Ma's obviously in a foul mood.

(...a few minutes later)

Milk: "SPLAAAAAAAASH!"

Ma runs into the kitchen. I'm standing on the perfectly positioned stool drinking from the milk carton previously located on the top shelf.

Yes I know Mom. Go ahead and thank me- I didn't make you refill my cup.

Ma: "Xander Foreman!"

Seldom.... does my Ma use my first and last name... I must have done something wrong? Let me appease her with an Uh-oh...

Me: "Uh-ohhhhhhhhh"

Ma: "Bummer Dude."
Me: "Dummer Dude"
Ma: "You got that right."

It only took me two time outs and five slip and falls to get the majority of it cleaned.

There. Good as new. You're welcome Mom.

The Master Plan

2010-10-01T02:21:00.000-07:00

I've taken it upon myself to give my people a voice... those who can talk in full sentences in their head but not out loud. Sort of the half black Martin Luther King Jr. for the 2 year olds.... or a "Look Who's Blogging" if you will.

On the home front, the master plan is to accomplish what I've been sent here to do. Hold my Mother accountable for everything wrong she's ever done. You know... karma, retribution, the answer to my Momza's prayers.... you name it. (Momza is my Grandmother by the way). The Lil'ManXan's Master Plan is to do everything short of tormenting Ma. All out of love of course... in the spirit of passing it on. What else should she expect? I'm two and my Mother's child... the combination for the perfect storm.

We live in Manhattan and I'm parented extremely different than most kids in this city. Let's just say I don't live in the world of nannies and hand sanitizer. Nothing wrong with that of course, most of my best pals are thriving in that environment, but for me? Not a chance. My Ma's one of 8 children raised on an apple farm in Washington State. My Daddy-O is one of 7 with parents straight from Jamaica. Use your imagination.

This blog isn't a place to spell/grammar check, be impressed by my design or formatting or take everything I say for face value. I am using my freedom of expression, creativity, editing, and fibbing to dramatize or fabricate any event/posting to emphasize shock value. At times, I'll make a spectacle out of nothing. My blog is a forum for an avant-garde theatrical performance. Using the anti traditional method of blogging, meaning avoiding the "my life is so perfect and grand" approach because I'll be exposing myself in the midst of invading unknown territory. This isn't going to be a representation of the majority of my life, in fact Ill probably skip the happy-shmoopy-go-lucky stuff we all see everyday in life, and what is on everyone else's blogs. Im prepared to share what occurs behind close doors. The reality of my Terrible Two's with a purpose. I'm taking it upon myself to share some random mommy/monster anecdotes so some can relate and realize "you're not alone," and others can judge us up the wazoo and feel 10x better about yourself in comparison. Relieving you of any guilt you once felt. Regardless of how we do it, if Ma and I are making you feel better about yourself... mission accomplished.

Of course I should have started this sooner as there have been hundreds of noteworthy experiences, but it's simply impossible to back track while simultaneously keeping up with our daily drama. So as a heads up, I may post a few throw back stories here and there if I feel inspired, however for now, my brain can only remember as far ... yesterday.

So I thought to give some color in preparation for any commentary, Id expose some of the many common expressions to grace my face in the past few months. These can provide as visuals for all of the stories to come.

Aged:

Busted:

Jolly:

Faking:

Bored:

Gassy:

Bashful:

Determined:

Scared:

Optimistic:

Irked:

Flabbergasted:

Unimpressed:

Normal:

Focused:

Perplexed:

Pleasant: