Lilith Land

How Not to be an Enlightened Parent: Weird Sex Ed Videos

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 06:28:00 +0000

Sorry folks, I have been such a no-show. Once again, I am caught in dissertation hell. I hope everyone is having a good time finding that perfect gift for their friends and family. Frankly, I am not doing so great on that end either. I hate Christmas, bah, humbug! The traffic, the agony of gift giving (and gift receiving...God, more socks!!), those long ass lines. Ugh. I found this video and decided to post it to lighten my fucked up mood -- and possibly yours. Here is how NOT to be an enlightened parent.

Okay picture this, you're a kid in the privacy of your own room getting down with your bad self. Mid-wank session --who should walk in but Mom -- in all her Stepford mom glory. MOTHERS DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR HORNY OFFSPRING!

In this unintentionally hilarious (and serious) sex ed video, Mom sticks around to lecture the kid (in a sex positive way) on masturbation -- right before he blows a load. Oh, she means well, but her timing is all wrong. Only one time did my mother accidentally walk in on me, and she had the good sense to turn around and walk out! Mid-wank is not the time to have a heart to heart sex talk. This is one of the weirdest sex ed videos from the 1970s. Obviously, this mother has read too many child development books without really absorbing the information. In real life, start talking about sex early and in the proper context.

In China Sex Toy Sales are Booming and Buzzing

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 22:18:00 +0000

Thanksgiving may be an American holiday, but the Chinese have a good reason to be thankful anyway. Seems that sex toys have become a hot ticket item on the Chinese market. According to a Reuters article, sex toys can be found all over China -- in "adult health shops", hotels, and even convenience stores. The market is huge and GROWING; they're projecting sales revenue in the range of 6.4 billion in the next few years -- and that's a lot of batteries! According to online retailer Lin DeGang, proprietor of www.oyeah.com.cn, "Within five years, sex toys will be a common commodity for everyday use... a key element of a fashionable lifestyle."

Strike one for Chinese women!

Most of us who use these toys know that they remove some of the labor involved in pleasure. And some of us can't get there any other way. I am glad to see China moving away from sexual repression and, apparently, developing a more enlightened attitude toward women. In a study I read on sexual gratification in 27,500 men and women in 29 countries, there was a strong association between the degree of male domination in a country and sexual satisfaction in men and women. The more patriarchal the society, the more nobody was getting off. Sadly, societies like China, Japan, and Taiwan were at the bottom of the heap in regards to sexual pleasure. This study was conducted in 2006, so maybe, at least for the Chinese, there have been some improvements.

I didn't start getting into toy usage until I was in my late 30s. Over the last few years, I have been battling low DHEA brought about by adrenal problems. I lost the ability to manually orgasm for awhile (I have it back now). Thankfully, I could still get off by vibe. It is so ridiculous that some American states continue to ban sex toys. Every person on the planet has the right to experience sexual pleasure in a way that works for them as long as they are not hurting anyone in the process. Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy (and buzzy) Thanksgiving!

xoxo - Lilith

Happy Halloween! Satan's School for Girls TV Movie

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 21:35:00 +0000

I saw this made for TV film as a child, and it scared the bejesus out of me! Yes, I was indeed a wussy kid lol. But it was really scary in a Rosemary's Baby kind of way. Satan's School for Girls was made in 1973 and is considered to be one of the most memorable TV movies from the 1970s, according to the New York Times.

It starred a pre-Charlie's Angels Kate Jackson, and Cheryl Ladd back when they were young and back when they actually made half-way decent TV movies. The film revolves around devilish mayhem at a girl's school, and I think they remade the movie a few years ago. But this is the original. I thought I would show this to send Gen Xers (and others) on a Halloween nostalgia trip. Happy Trick or Treating from Lilith Land!

For Women: How You Can Help Your Partner with Erection Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 19:34:00 +0000

Hi all, I would like to introduce a new addition to Lilith Land. I am pleased to have Dr. Joel Block as our guest blogger this week. Dr. Block is an award winning, board certified psychologist and sex therapist based in Long Island. He is the author of numerous books and articles related to relationships and human sexuality including: The Marriage-Work Connection, Broken Promises, Mended Hearts, and Sex Comes First. He has written a new ebook on erectile dysfunction called Mind Over ED. Here is an article he has written on erectile dysfunction with some tips to help women deal with their partner's ED.

- Lilith

By Dr. Joel Block PhD

“Don’t take your erections or your potency for granted is the message men need to hear around their fortieth birthday,” says Gene who recently celebrated his fiftieth birthday. He began to have some erectile difficulties about a decade ago. “I wasn’t getting hard enough often enough and I wasn’t staying hard enough,” he says succinctly. “I knew that some change was inevitable, but I was experiencing too much change. I had the sexual responses of a man 20 years my senior."

“At about the same time I developed erection problems, my doctor told me I had mild hypertension. He said I had two choices: Go on medication: or lose 20 pounds, start exercising regularly, make some dietary changes, and stop smoking. Initially I took the easy way out. I went for the pills. The erection situation got a little worse. My wife was unhappy, and so was I."

“One night we had a big argument that ended with her crying and accusing me of cheating her out of a sex life. She said my potbelly wasn’t attractive. That hurt. She also said she was worried about me. Would I cut my life short the same way I’d cut our sex life short? The next day I ordered a treadmill. It wasn’t easy to make all the changes I had to make, and I backpedaled a few times in the early months. But I lost the weight, quit smoking, and generally cleaned up my act."

“The erection situation improved a great deal. I’ll never get as rock hard as I did when I was twenty, but, on the other hand, I have better erections at 50 than I was getting at 40. I’ve also learned how to be a better lover. When I look at some of my friends who are overweight, smoking, and popping pills for hypertension, I know they aren’t getting erections. I’d like to talk to them about it, but that’s not the kind of thing men do.”

A healthier lifestyle will most likely lead to healthier erections, but any man can expect to lose an erection during lovemaking on occasion. If he doesn’t let that bother him, he’ll likely get it back. The worst thing you can do about a subsiding erection is focus on it.

For women if your partner is experiencing ED, whether physical or emotional in origin, you can respond in a way that will increase his chances of regaining or obtaining an erection. Here are some tips:

1. If he loses an erection during lovemaking, let it go. Unless he requests or indicates by his behavior that he wants you to perform fellatio or manually stimulate his penis to try to bring the erection back— don't. Focusing on his limp penis probably won't help and may hurt by intensifying his performance anxiety. Hold him. Kiss and stroke him, but ignore his penis. You don't have to prove your desirability by bringing his penis back to erotic life.

2. Ask for oral sex or manual stimulation. Such a request will take the focus off his penis and give him the opportunity to feel like a good lover. Be responsive to his ministrations. A woman's arousal is very arousing to a man. It's possible that he'll regain his erection by losing himself in your excitement.

3. Don't be solicitous. Show your understanding by not fussing over him. If he's feeling inadequate, don't tell him his lack of erection isn't important. A man who has been sexually humiliated doesn't want his wife saying, "Don't worry, darling, it doesn't matter."

4. Don't blame yourself. And don't let him blame you. Even if his ED is rooted in relationship conflict, you are not the cause of the problem. Sex is a cooperative effort. So is relating. After an erectile failure, however, is not the right time to analyze your relationship. If all else fails, direct your man to a competent ED wellness program like the one found at www.MindoverED.com

Killing the Angel in the Bedroom - Even if She's Wearing a Garter Belt

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 23:33:00 +0000

In the 19th century a series of poems written by Coventry Patmore titled The Angel in the House celebrated the Victorian wife who lived only to serve others. She was gentle, maternal, and self-sacrificing -- in other words, a real doormat. But if you think she went out with whale boned corsets and absinthe, you are sadly mistaken. Most women are still raised with the idea that they are supposed to sacrifice themselves for others. We are still raised to be "nice" girls who don't make waves.

I know the "angel" well in my own life. She shows up when I least expect it and generally makes me second guess myself and feel guilty. If I was appropriately assertive, I worried that I had been selfish and overbearing. If I said no, I agonized over whether I should have said yes. The "angel" is like a specter that won't die no matter how many times you try to kill the wimpy bitch. Think Friday the 13th with wings here. Literary icon Virginia Woolf knew this all to well when she wrote of her own battles with the angel in The Death of the Moth and Other Essays:

She was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was draught, she sat in it -- in short she was so constituted that she never had a mind or wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others...

In the sexual arena, she takes an especially weird form nowadays. She's the part of you that agrees to do what you r-e-a-l-l-y don't want to in bed. She may wear platform shoes, garter belts, and look the part of the whore, but really she's a Madonna in disguise. She's still a good girl because she's doing it all for someone else's benefit. Usually a man's.

The angel is above all a good sport.

She will suck dick with the best of them, facials -- no problem. She's always up for sex -- even though she really isn't all that into it. Her orgasm? Oh, that's not that important. It's the journey not the destination right? She starves and stuffs herself into skintight minis and hobbles around in six inch platforms to prove she's sexy -- but she doesn't know where her clit or her orgasm is.

One of the biggest problems about our current notion of female sexuality is that, too much of the time, it's all a charade. It's about giving the illusion of sexiness instead of owning your sexuality. Most of the research I have looked at over the last few years has confirmed what most of us know. Women agree to sex we don't want and perform sexual acts that leave us cold so we don't piss off our partners and look uncool. We want more than anything to look "normal". Whatever the hell that means.

I recently came across a thread on a sex advice forum that epitomizes that dilemma The woman was 41- years-old and had just started dating a man that she liked. She found it easier and more pleasurable to orgasm with a vibrator, but she had brought this up with her new love, and he didn't "want to be a third party". So, she wanted to know how to orgasm without her toy, even though this was difficult for her.

Let's pretend for a moment that this is a guy talking about Viagra. Somehow, I can't imagine a man who needed Viagra to get an erection would be asking how he could get along without it. And most women wouldn't ask or expect him to. There wouldn't be any question.

So, you are probably thinking to yourself: "vibrators aren't the same as Viagra". Point taken. But the simple fact is that some women are unable to orgasm without them at all and that is why they were initially invented, as a "labor saving device", according to historian Rachel Maines, the author of The Technology of Orgasm. Women are far more variable than men in their sexual response patterns. While indirect clitoral stimulation does it for some women, a jackhammer of a vibe, on full blast, is the only thing that gets others off.

Orgasm is an uncontrollable response that is largely the product of the autonomic nervous system. Most of us don't have a say in what level of stimulation is needed to make those nerves fire. What works, works. And simply put, it is far easier for a guy to change his idiotic notion of "third parties" than it is for our 41-year-old poster to change what may be a biologically based sexual response pattern. But, odds on, she's going to cave. So, her sex life will suffer, until she realizes that her partner is either ignorant or a selfish dickhead. By then, she may have wasted years.

And then there is the issue of doing what you hate -- a surprisingly common element of sex for many women. According to Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker, the authors of Premarital Sex in America, women often engage in sex acts that they don't like, often at the urging of porn-loving boyfriends. Regnerus and Uecker found that anal sex was disliked by all but a minority of women, and yet over 45% of females who reported disliking the act “somewhat” expected that they would do it again at some point in time. Furthermore, about 10% who really hated it said they would take it up the ol' bunghole again.

My advice to these women would be rather than resentfully perform an act you loathe follow the wisdom of Virginia Wolf and take a chainsaw to that angel from hell:

I turned upon her and caught her by the throat. I did my best to kill her. My excuse, if I were to be had up in a court of law, would be that I acted in self-defence. Had I not killed her she would have killed me.

She would have indeed. But the evil wuss doesn't die easily. As Wolf noted:

For, as I found, directly I put pen to paper, you cannot review even a novel without having a mind of your own, without expressing what you think to be the truth about human relations, morality, sex. And all these questions, according to the Angel of the House, cannot be dealt with freely and openly by women; they must charm, they must conciliate, they must--to put it bluntly--tell lies if they are to succeed. Thus, whenever I felt the shadow of her wing or the radiance of her halo upon my page, I took up the inkpot and flung it at her. She died hard. Her fictitious nature was of great assistance to her. It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality. She was always creeping back when I thought I had despatched her.

Most women have to contend with years of gender conditioning, less social power, and an economic reality that we continue to make 79 cents for every dollar a man makes. Naturally, under these conditions it's harder to tell the truth and easier to lie. It is far easier to take it up the old poop chute and stumble around in high heels than tell a truth that may end a relationship that you value. Particularly, when that loss affects your economic and social well-being.

The truth is, as long as emotional dependency, economic inequality, and romantic love are wrapped up in a tight little box, we won't be walking anywhere angels fear to tread.

A Lilith Update: Hanging On to My Fire

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 11 Sep 2012 05:39:00 +0000

Hi everybody, I didn't mean to stay gone for so long. It has been a busy few weeks for me. I was hellbent on getting my proposal submitted last term, but sadly no cigar. Oh, I finished it alright, and the chair of my dissertation found more I needed to work on. (Sigh). So very close...

When I started my dissertation hours, the required text that we used was called Surviving Your Dissertation. Now, I understand why it was called that. And I would like to propose a title change for this fine book -- how 'bout calling it to Surviving Your Dissertation With All Your Hair Intact.

I have a lot of hair. Thick and long, and if this project goes on much longer, I'm not sure about its future. Right now, I am really feeling burned out. Some days I question whether I should have gone this route. Whether pursuing my PhD at this age was such a good idea. It has been a very long, tiring, expensive, road. I have had a lot of challenges thrown my way, medical, financial, and personal. The last of which was my father's death in March. But then I remember the fire in the belly...

When I finished my masters (in counseling), my initial goal was to work as a therapist, which I did for a number of years. I didn't make much money (you don't at the masters level) but that wasn't the real issue. The real issue was that I didn't feel a fire in the belly for my occupation.

When I was doing my counseling internship, another intern and I were talking about what personal characteristics were needed for this line of work. He had a more of an understanding of what was needed than I did -- his wife was a counselor -- and he kept saying, "you have to have a fire in the belly for this job". What he was talking about was passion. Real passion -- an absolute love of the job. Counseling is intense work. Often stressful and challenging, and you simply have to feel a magnetic pull toward the helping profession in order to do it right. At least that is what I think.

I didn't know if I had that kind of dedication. Even then. As an undergrad, I had been absolutely smitten with the social sciences -- psychology, sociology, anthropology. But what I was most drawn to was social or cultural psychology, not clinical or counseling. But it wasn't as practical. It didn't feel practical to me anyway. So, I went for counseling instead of social psych. I chose what was practical. And I wasn't happy.

But I am an idealist when it comes to work. Some would say I am impractical. I would like to believe that you can do what you love and make money doing it; that there is a feasible way to make your passion something that you can live on. Given the state of our economy that may sound risky, or possibly crazy to some people. Many people right now are just glad to have any job at all, even one that sucks.

But I'm not so sure. Jobs are going left and right, and there is no security anymore. I am not sure the old rules that governed what was smart and what was risky really apply anymore. It's all risky.

Life is one big risk.

When I started work on this dissertation, I felt alive. Excited. I loved reading about my topic, and I kept coming up with more interesting ideas to investigate. I love to analyze people, social norms, and cultures. And I was tired of worrying about whether this was a practical pursuit or not. I had done the practical thing, and it didn't work out.

I have to admit, though, that the relentless anal retentiveness of academic research can be a real headache. And I think I really prefer writing for a general reader. I am still in love with my project, but it is a little like what happens in a relationship with another person. The glamour fades, and the work begins. So, I have to plow my way through the less appealing elements of my project, which includes making sure my I have my references in the correct alphabetical order and my titles are italicized. Argh.

But passion -- real passion -- is worth hanging on to. Whether it is love for a person, love for your artwork, or love for pushing your limits. So, here I sit dotting my "I's" and crossing my "Ts". Hanging on to my fire. And hoping I don't burn out in the process...

Was Marilyn Gay?

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 22:45:00 +0000

Marilyn Monroe was a legend, an iconic beauty, and a lesbian? That's the word on the street anyway. Marilyn has been dead for almost 50 years, and she is still making headlines. The fiftieth anniversary of her death is coming up on August 5th. And there have been some new biographies to commemorate the event. One book, Marilyn Monroe: Private And Undisclosed, by Michelle Morgan asserts that many of the blonde beauty's problems stemmed from the fact that she was a closet lesbian.

According to Morgan, Marilyn had affairs with numerous Hollywood stars -- everyone from Marlene Dietrich to, get this, a onetime hook up with Elizabeth Taylor (I'm sure some of you would love to have been a fly on the wall when that tryst was going on...). And she also bedded her female acting coach. The author interviewed actress Celeste Holm who said that Marilyn's endometriosis (which can cause sexual pain, in some cases) made it difficult to enjoy intercourse with a man. In general, it was alleged that she preferred her own sex.

I don't know whether Marilyn was gay or not. Some of the new books argue that Marilyn may have been tortured by that question. But sexual identity tends to be far more fluid in women than in men. One of my best friends is a fairly set-in-her-preferences lesbian, but even she started out her sexual life with a man. Some women start out straight, go gay, and go back straight again (ala Julie Cypher, Melissa Etheridge's ex) and vice versa.

Marilyn may have been gay, or, like a lot of other women, she may have regarded the gender of her lover as less important than who he or she was as a person. I think it is hard to make blanket statements about sexuality -- particularly female sexuality. I can certainly understand her confusion over the issue though, given the era and her status as a heterosexual love goddess.

I found this video on other historical figures who were alleged to have been gay, and I agree with the ending tagline: it's not about who you sleep with, but what you do.

Limp Dicks, Viagra, and Female Satisfaction: Any Connection?

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Thu, 12 Jul 2012 19:49:00 +0000

I have never been with a man on Viagra or any other erection enhancing drug, though I have been with a few men who were possible candidates. And yes the experiences were frustrating, but more so because of their reactions to not being able to "rise to the occasion".

Many of these men were hellbent on getting it up and keeping the focus on intercourse. God forbid, we do something else instead. According to a study, I recently came across this isn't at all unusual. Researchers in New Zealand looked at the effects of Viagra on female partners and called it The Downside of Viagra: Women's Experiences and Concerns.

Yes, Viagra has a downside.

Erection drugs are used by men, but affect both men and women. After all, nobody spends that much money to get a chemically induced hard-on and then wastes it on their right hand.The study found that women were often profoundly affected by their partner's use of ED drugs but weren't included very often in the decision making process. The general assumption being that if it's up, it must be all good, right? Most Viagra ads always have couples looking so happy -- so free of the anxiety of limp body parts that refuse to comply with their owner's intentions.

As the researchers pointed out, these drugs are often assumed to be great for both men and women, because they make it possible to have "real" sex. Most men are raised with the idea that hard dicks are the epitome of masculinity, and if the flagpole doesn't rise, then he isn't a man anymore. And what woman is going to want him now? I think a lot of men with this issue worry that a limp dick will kill their woman's sexual interest. Because, after all, a hard dick is essential to a woman's sexual satisfaction, right?

Wrong.

Make no mistake, most women enjoy hard dicks, though few of us are orgasmic from just a man's penis. And some women are deeply troubled by their mate's inability to get it up. Sometimes, they miss the experience of intercourse. And sometimes they just worry that his ED is about her not being desirable enough, or not being desired anymore. But given the fact that most females aren't orgasmic during intercourse, it is usually more of a bummer for a man than for a woman. I agree with ED Coach Paul Nelson "men love penises far more than women do."

Indeed, in the New Zealand study one of the women's biggest complaints was the increased frequency of intercourse once their mates started on ED meds. Viagra isn't cheap, and in an effort to get their money's worth, many men pushed for more sex than what their lovers were used to or wanted. Many of the study's participants were older women (mean age 53), and as women age and the hormones drop, the vagina becoming less elastic and thinner. More intercourse often meant more pain and discomfort for these women -- not more Os. According to one 51-year-old woman, it felt more like a performance than mutual enjoyment:

He’d kill me for saying this, but I guess . . . the [drawback] that I notice is that, say if he takes a tablet at night before we go to bed or something then . . . we might have intercourse that night, then sometimes in the morning . . . and then if it doesn’t necessarily appeal to me I think oh no,we’re – [laughs] he’s going to try again, so that you get the two for one if you like [laughs]. Get in two for the price of one. But so I guess in some ways that could be a drawback . . . so I sometimes feel pressure that I then need to perform again in the morning

I have heard this same complaint from friends that I have had. One girlfriend of mine had a husband with severe ED; she found their marathon, pharmaceutically induced fuck sessions exhausting and uncomfortable. It didn't help that he didn't know what to do with his equipment once it was up, and she felt he should just know without her having to say anything. Naturally, this isn't the best strategy for a sizzling sex life, and they later divorced.

Some women in the study complained that once Viagra entered the picture "foreplay" (i.e., sex for women) went out the window. Naturally, this further reduced female sexual arousal and led to more dissatisfaction and discomfort. Plus, some women were perfectly happy not to have penetrative sex and felt pressured to have intercourse when they really didn't want to. A big part of our culture myth, and a huge part of the popularity of drugs like Viagra, is the idea that the only "real" form of sex is intercourse. Nothing else counts. This is the kind of thinking that led our erstwhile president to claim "he did not have sex with that woman". Oh yes, you did Billy boy, you did indeed. We have the blue dress with its presidential stamp of approval to prove it.

Some of the study's participants reported that the downside of Viagra led (not surprisingly) to more relationship conflict. As one woman one put it: "...usually the reason we have a row is because I’m annoyed that he’s taken the pill without discussing it with me . . . I feel it’s sort of that he’s going behind my back."

There were other sources of conflict as well. Many women worried that their mate's newly hydraulicized hard-on would lead to extracurricular activites. Fears of infidelity were not uncommon. And in some cases, were highly warranted -- happily rejuvenated males were indeed wooing other lovers. Sometimes this occurred because the drug highlighted sex drive discrepancies between a couple that may have faded from view prior to Viagra. After all, over 30% of women do report problems with sexual interest.

Of course, not everybody using Viagra will experience all of these problems, but some will. Viagra is not necessarily a cure-all for sexual dysfunction. And not all men benefit equally from the drug, which was another troubling issue brought up by the researchers. There are disappointed expectations with this drug, just like anything else. It sends blood to a penis, but it's not going to make a man want to put that penis in a wife he is bored with, or has grown to loathe. It will not fix a bad marriage, a lackluster sex life or, a fucked up life.

Part of the fable behind modern pharmacology is that everything boils down to biochemistry. If you are depressed, you just lack a proper serotonin balance. If you can't get it up, you just need to send blood to your ornery equipment. We have grown so used to the idea that popping a pill is the answer that this is the first thing many of us think of when we have a problem. It is important to keep these things in perspective. I am not dismissing the fact that drugs can be a major help under the right circumstances, for some people. But they won't cure what isn't working in your life.

Ernestine Shepherd: Don't F&*k With This Tough Grandma

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 19:31:00 +0000

This woman is amazing! She is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's oldest female bodybuilder. This 75 years old grandmother has the body of a someone half her age, or younger. Geez, I don't have her body, and I am in my 40s.

Okay, I have to admit it, I would rather sit on my ass and eat chocolate than exercise. I think my bad habits are starting to show too. In fact, I know they are. But not Ernestine, she got into body building at the age of 56 when trying on a swimsuit for a pool party turned into a ego busting move (isn't it always?!). She started working out and never looked back. She runs 80 miles a week and can bench press 150 pounds. This grandma (and "Rocky" fan) can fuck your shit up. Lol.

She now trains other senior citizens and would love to get her muscular mitts on Michelle Obama (not that our first lady really needs much help). But so far, no dice. "I've been trying to get to that lady. And I can't get to her," she said. "It's so difficult." I loved her statement about how with age you lose the fixation on pleasing others and focus more on doing what works for you."I feel now that I am a very strong, positive and confident woman," she said. "Years ago I concerned myself about what people said concerning me. But when you get 70-something and you don't have that many years in front of you, you don't concern yourself with that."

I guess I need to take a look at her the next time I reach for the salami. After all, we only get one body and it's up to us to take care of it well. A certain amount of illness is preventable, and there is no good reason to pad the pockets of Big Pharma anymore than they already are.

From the Horse's Mouth: Women Talk About Why They Don't Want to Have Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 22 May 2012 02:55:00 +0000

Hi all, yes, I am still around and still busting my ass trying to get this research proposal ready for prime-time. Recently, I came across a very interesting article on why women lose sexual interest -- even in happy relationships. Karen Sims and Marta Meana conducted a qualitative (in-depth interview based) research study on 19 married women published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy.

There were three main themes that emerged from their data: 1. institutionalization of the relationship, 2. over-familiarity, 3. the problem of de-sexualization. Fancy terms, I know, but what do they mean?

For starters, Sims and Meana agree with the oft-repeated contention that relationship issues are at the heart of women's desire loss. However, not in the way that most people think. The majority of their participants were perfectly happy with their partners -- just not their sex lives. And most of the women mentioned many reasons why their libidos took a hike.

Institutionalization -- Who Wants to Live in an Institution Anyway?

The first issue that emerged was institutionalization. For many of the women, marriage itself was something of a snooze factor. Rollicking, bed-breaking premarital sex dwindled, in many cases, to Saturday morning, missionary only encounters hurriedly sandwiched in between Junior's soccer game and Fluffy's deworming. One of the saddest truths about human sexuality is that what is often great for your emotional life (comfort, security, intimacy etc.) may not do your sex life any favors. Many of the women were simply bored by the routine of ever-available (and often unwanted) marital nookie. It was too sanitized and too socially sanctioned. One woman said:

There was a lot of desire when I was dating, excitement. On the flip side, when you’re married, I know exactly how my husband is going to touch me, I know how much he loves me and I’m not embarrassed to take my clothes off. There’s a comfort there that is important to me.

It’s just not as exciting . . . the desire is lost. You go from being real careful around each other and being on your best behavior. Then, of course, you start to get comfortable with one another and that changes—your bad habits come out, your bad moods come out.

That takes some of the desire away whereas when you are dating, it’s just so sexual and so amazing and so exciting . . . Desire dwindles as you become a couple.

Plus, nowadays, a happy sex life is not only considered an important part of marriage -- it's an obligation. The fact that you are expected (or even required) to make your partner sexually happy can be a daunting responsibility -- and frankly, a real buzz kill. As one sex-weary young wife put it: “I just feel like I have to keep doing it, it’s like an obligation to me right now. Like, okay, it’s been a week. I need to give him sex or he’s going to be upset . . . ”

The equating of a happy marriage with hot marital sex is a cultural trend that became popular sometime around the turn of the last century. The Industrial Revolution eliminated many of the economic underpinnings of marital stability, and the "soul-mate" marriage, based on friendship and successful shagging, was created to take its place. Given our almost 50% divorce rate, some would argue, the success of this social "experiment" is debatable.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

The second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity. Many of the women lamented the loss of romance from the marital bedroom. But it was the romance of early love, the pre-relationship dating days with all of their novelty, anticipation, and uncertainty that they longed for the most. You know the old saying "familiarity breeds contempt", well this is never more apparent than in the bedroom. One of the biggest buzz kills of all is doing the same thing, the same way, every time. And some men (and women as well) are like Pavlov's dog, once they learn a new trick, they repeat it -- over and over again -- ad nauseum.

Many women talked about how they could predict exactly what their honey would do next, and in what order. Kind of like their husbands had a mental checklist that they were marking off on their way to the grand finale. There is a biological reason that this would be a huge turn-off. Desire is fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which rises in response to novelty and anticipation. If you know exactly what is going to happen next, your brain (and other body parts), says "why bother?".

The women were also dismayed by their husbands ability to go from watching American Idol to grabbing a boob and hoping to get some action. Though oddly that kind of spontaneous, caveman behavior might have been a real panty-soaker earlier in the relationship. According to an exasperated 33-year-old:

One of the things we have spoken about and is really confusing to him, is things like grabbing me, touching me would really get me excited and then suddenly doing the very same things now completely turn me off. I have told him you cannot go and just grab my breasts like that anymore—It no longer turns me on—You just gotta stop.

De-sexualized Roles

This one was a no-brainer. You work a double-shift, there isn't much left for anything else. Most of the women spoke of being absolutely depleted by their to-do list. And sex didn't have a high priority on that list. Plus, many felt that there was an incompatibility between the role of "mom" and the role of "vixen". After spending all day wiping noses and counter tops, transitioning into a night-time passion puss wasn't easy to do. And some women simply didn't have the energy after working at a job and then coming home to another one. Plus, for mothers of small children, the constant tactile demands of caring for a child left them feeling "overtouched" -- on sensory overload -- and not in the mood for more skin to skin contact.

My Thoughts

I thought the article was fascinating to read. The authors brought up some interesting points regarding the nature of female desire -- one was the importance of novelty and transgression -- contrary to popular stereotype, it's not just about intimacy and safety. I have often thought that female desire, more so than male, is actually very contingent on a kind of arousing ambivalence -- a feeling of being slightly off-kilter -- but in a manageable way. As the authors pointed out, too much ambivalence and you are likely to feel too anxious, too little, and you're bored.

I think a lot of this stems from the way that women are socialized to view sex and love. I don't think that it is surprising that it is the rush of early romantic love that is such a sexual thrill. Most of us are are raised to romanticize sex. We wanted to be wanted -- often, more than anything. We fantasize that we are the object of some hot stud's desire (Fifty Shades of Grey, anyone). But, in being the object, paradoxically, we assume power. The rape fantasy is really all about being desired, it is NOT about being defeated or abused.

But there are real problems with this approach. It puts a woman in a passive position where she is not the driver of her sexuality. Often, female desire is divorced from the body and experienced in a relationship based way only. Women are not told about their anatomy, masturbate less than men, and have sex that is based on what works for men. Only 29% of women always have an orgasm during sex, in comparison to 75% of men. I couldn't help but think, while reading this article, that if more of these women found sex physically gratifying, they might not be so hung up on romance. And they might not regard sex as such a boring chore -- akin to taking out the garbage either.

What can be done to turn more women on? I don't know, but our current approach sure isn't working. Socializing women to be passive doesn't work in the long run. And the idea that life-long love means nonstop, smokin' sex is probably not realistic. Maybe if we could realize that, we wouldn't be so obsessed with trying to sex it up. If we could just lighten up about sex -- see it as adult play perhaps-- we would be better off. But, sadly, given all the heavy energy surrounding the whole issue of sexuality that is not an easy thing to do.

Catherine the Great: Did the Empress Really Die From Doing Her Horse?

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Fri, 04 May 2012 20:54:00 +0000

Catherine the Great was a woman of unbridled sexual passion, according to Tony Perrottet's hilarious little book on history's most tawdry sexual scandals, Napoleon's Privates. And one unsavory rumor has it that her sexual habits killed her. That is, her supposed passion for horse dick.

According to legend, the queen, a talented horsewoman, died from bonking a stallion. This rumor, which appeared soon after her death in 1796, claimed the empress while in flagrante delicto with a horsey stud ended up flat as pancake when the massive creature fell on her!

The mechanics of this tryst (and you know this would have had to have been well-planned to actually work) had depended on her servants using pulleys to lower the horse onto the frisky queen. Unfortunately, the ropes broke, sending the 67 year-old to her untimely death. Or, so the story went...

Perrottet claims the whole incident was made-up bullshit born out of myogynistic jealousy of a strong-willed woman who refused to stay in her place. Supposedly, she really died in a far less impressive manner -- by a stroke (some say on the toilet, which the rather overweight queen allegedly broke on her way out, but that's a rumor Perrottet doesn't mention).

But the rumors continued to swirl even after her death, and they were nothing new. The beautiful, feisty queen had scandalized Europe since her twenties when she made no secret of her enjoyment of virile young men. And apparently she went through them like some of us change our underwear. The queen would have her ladies-in-waiting test out potential lovers and pick an appropriate candidate to be the empress's new vremenshchiki which translates into "men of the moment". Old Catherine continued to be a champion "manizer" well into her later years - wearing out studs right and left.

The horsey part of this story seems to be mostly connected to her talents as an equestrian, and some English travel writer's tawdry claim that Russian peasants liked horse sodomy. Also, some allege that Catherine referred to her harem of available beefcake as "studs", hence, "the equine fable".

Ashley Judd and Woman Hatred

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 01:26:00 +0000

I just finished reading Ashley Judd's article in the Daily Beast. And I had to blog about it. For those who haven't heard, there has been a lot of media speculation over the last few weeks that she has had plastic surgery -- largely due to a TV appearance she made with a puffy face.

She finally answered her critics, not only by denying surgery (she says she was on steroids for a cold), but by pointing out that discussions like this are a load of sexist crap. I loved, loved, loved her statements. She writes:

"...the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about."

And again:

"The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted."

In other words, it's not only nobody's damn business what she does with her face, but why do we continually subject women to this kind of scrutiny? I can't read any kind of magazine, watch TV, or read comments online without there being some kind of reference to how a woman in the public eye looks.

Judd turned it around and rightly asked why her face was such a topic of conversation anyway. We don't do this to men. Men aren't judged solely by how fuckable they are. When was the last time you saw an article dissecting Johnny Depp's face and whether or not it was "new and improved"? And that is what this whole thing is about in a nutshell --that a woman's primary value is limited to how she looks; how fuckable she is to men. If you aren't a fuckable female, you are useless waste of DNA. If you don't believe me (or Judd) scroll down the page of the Daily Beast article and check out the vitriolic comments about Judd from a troll who calls himself/herself "AshleyJuddisOLDandFat".

I don't know whether or not Judd has had surgery, and frankly, it isn't any of my business. What I do know is that her comments are right on. Focusing on a woman's appearance minimizes her as a person. It makes it more difficult for all women to be taken seriously professionally, personally, and politically. If women are just eye candy than it's okay to control their reproductive freedom, pay them less money, and beat them silly.

The insanity needs to end.

The Spring of Lilith's Discontent

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 20:40:00 +0000

Well, this has been one bitch of a spring, so far. I have suffered adrenal fatigue, insomnia, oral surgery, a beast of a research proposal -- and the death of my father two weeks ago.

Losing my father put me in a weird place for awhile. He was, in a word, a dead beat dad while I was growing up, and we have been estranged for about 13 years. So, whatever grief I feel seems to be more connected with the loss of what I never had.

Plus, my poor, sweet, old cat (almost 18) seems to be growing more frail everyday. She has lost a lot of weight and has liver problems. She cries a lot sometimes, and I feel helpless to help her.

Thanks to all the stress I have been under the last few years, my adrenals are largely shot. I am taking care of myself the best I can, but I have to continues plugging away. Those of you who have followed this blog over the last few years know that I am writing my dissertation on female sexual dysfunction. I have received some emails about potential volunteers, and I have had to put them off -- for a reason.

In order to get the review board of my school to approve my study, I have to have a decent research proposal. At my school, this consists of three parts -- the first three chapters of my dissertation. One of the most important chapters is the literature review. This is where the researcher builds his or her argument and reviews literature in the field.

My argument is complicated, and I am a anal retentive researcher; so, my lit review is a lot longer and more comprehensive than most. Consequently, it has dragged on and on... I am making headway, and I expect to have something submitted by the end of summer, at least. At which point, if I am approved (fingers crossed), I am going to need some participants. So, if you are female, sexually active (or have been at some time) consider volunteering for my study. You will be contributing to the knowledge base of a very important subject.

Anyway, enough of my bitching. Hopefully, Thomas Edison is right, and all this drama just means I am making progress. I hope to have some new stuff written soon. Until then, check out these other posts you might have missed.

Types of Orgasms

Problems in the Bedroom? Check Your Medicine Cabinet

Hi, What's Your Gene Type? Using Genetic Matchmaking to Find True Love

What an Orgasm is Like for a Woman: What Have Your Experiences Been?

Vintage Sex Toys

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 20:54:00 +0000

Human beings have always had a fondness for sex toys. A few years ago, researchers in Germany dug up what is surely one of the world's oldest dildos -- a full eight inches of siltstone love for some prehistoric ancestor's happy orifice. You can check out my post Female Self-Loving and the Dildo: A Short Pleasurable History for more info. This short video from the Kinsey Institute contains some very old "sex toys". I put the term in parenthesis because many of them look more like bawdy party favors (similar to our modern equivalent the penis shaped ice cube tray, which I am sure you all have, right?), than actual devices for sexual stimulation.

We have come a long way since most of these gadgets were invented. We now have toys that will vibrate, shake, stir, suck, squeeze, and penetrate all of your erogenous zones, at the same time, in short order. And some are pretty pricey too. In 2010, a talented French jeweler released a white gold dildo that had an 18 carat diamond ring mounted inside of it. This fancy dick was sold at Maison Victor for a mere 59, 154 dollars (40,000 euro) and was designed "...for rich people who want to declare their love in a special way," according to the manager at Maison Victor. Oh, to be that rich and that horny...

Scared Sexless Yet?

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 20:37:00 +0000

This short video deals with our insane cultural attitudes about sex. Our society is so dichotomized about this issue. On one hand, the most searched term on the internet is "sex", pornography brings in billions of dollars a year in revenue, and yet abstinence based sex ed has been the rule for years, vibrators are illegal in some states (sadly, I happen to live in one), and politicians want to plan your family for you. The importance of sex is blown way out of proportion by the mass media, and reflects our cultural hysteria around sexuality. The more something is repressed in our unconscious (Freud 101, here), the more preoccupied we are by it. The technical term for this is erotophobia, and it seems like everybody has it in one form or another.

One of my favorite examples of this trend was the case of Joanne Webb, the Texas homemaker and former school teacher, who was arrested in 2004 for selling vibrators at a Passion Party ( kind like a Tupperware party but with dildos). Her story was featured in the great documentary Passion and Power: The Technology of Orgasm. When her attorney Beann Sisemore tried to discuss the ridiculousness of this case with the legal authorities involved, she jokingly asked, "What's the deal with the war on the clitorises?" The guy involved with the case looked up, dumbfounded, and hastily replied that he wasn't going to arrest the "clitorises" just Joanne Webb. Frankly, I think that about sums it up in a nutshell.

Ecstasy: The First Female Orgasm in Film

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:38:00 +0000

Well, happy Valentine's Day! I thought I would celebrate this sexy holiday with the movie that purportedly has the first female orgasm in film history, Ecstasy. This 1933 Czech film turned largely unknown actress Heddy Lamarr into a sensation.

Not only was the gorgeous Heddy naked but writhing in ecstasy, hence the title. The movie's love scene (for those who don't want to watch the film all the way through, and you know who you are) starts at 45:32. You would miss a lot fast forwarding though.

The entire movie is rather entertaining (if largely silent). It revolves around a beautiful young woman who marries a much older, impotent husband. On their wedding night, she hopes to have sex, apparently he doesn't (or can't). Our young heroine soon becomes very depressed (as many would) and longs for erotic fulfillment. She finds it in form of a gorgeous (we're talking major man candy here) young officer. The movie has a sensuous, languid feel. Scenes take a long time to build, and the actors convey most of their emotions through their faces. Interestingly, the first female orgasm seems to take place through oral sex.

The movie's content (skinny dipping, adultery, sexually frustrated women, and implied cunnilingus) created an avalanche of controversy, leading to its tagline of "The Most Talked About Picture in the World". It was banned in the U.S and was one of the factors leading to the infamous Hays Code that basically stripped sex from American cinema for about 30 years. Here is the entire move.

Happy Valentine's Day xoxo!

Man Candy Friday: Feminist Man

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:57:00 +0000

I like this picture. Feminist man shows that you don't have to have white skin or a clitoris to be a feminist. We come in all flavors: male, female, white, black, gay, straight, trans, cis, young, old. So, here is a salute to all the feminist men (and other varieties) out there. Thanks for your support!

Some Points on Handling a Clitoris

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:16:00 +0000

I have been enjoying some of the articles and videos at the New School of Erotic Touch. This is a great website that provides specific information on how to pleasure yourself and your partner. Seriously, their videos Fire in the Valley and The Best of Vulva Massage are among the best I have seen on how to manually stimulate a woman's genitals. And they are a rare thing online.

The internet is kind of like a big, virtual Wild West, and much of what you come across has dubious value. There are way too many websites out there purporting to teach THE SECRET TO THE FEMALE ORGASM, or HOW TO MAKE A GIRL CUM IN THREE EASY STEPS -- all claiming that if you just follow said paint-by-numbers approach, you (or your partner) will cum your face off. Sadly, this isn't the case.

So, I decided to come up with my own points for clitoral play. These pointers are mainly for performing clitoral stimulation on a partner, but they work for solo sex as well.

1. Sorry, there is no secret formula. What floats my boat may not float Susie's down the street. There isn't one specific skill or technique that will work for every woman. Women are not cars; so, there are no manuals that will teach you Pussy 101 in three easy steps. You will have to get over your lock jaw and ask some pertinent questions. Such as "How would you like to be touched?" Be prepared to seek feedback. And women, you should be willing and able to provide it (i.e., do some hands-on exploration of your own terrain).

With that being said, the goal of clitoral stimulation should be about pleasuring your partner, not getting her off so you can feel like a stud or studette. Many women are not easily orgasmic when they are not in the driver's seat, which is one of the reasons that women climax more often from masturbation. Don't be offended if she needs to do her own stimulation or use a vibe.

2. Most of the time you will want to include some lubricant. In some cases, thanks to scintillating personal charm, good hands, or a talented tongue the woman in question may produce her own. But don't count on it. Particularly, if you are over forty. Use a good water based lube around the external genitals as a buffer for those 8,000 plus nerve endings.

3. Stimulating the clitoris does not mean touching the glans directly. Most women rub around the clitoris. I have never liked to have the clitoris touched directly. I find the most erotic spot is above the clitoris on the right side. Many women enjoy stimulating the shaft rather than the head of the clitoris. Check out 3D Vulva to understand the various parts of the clitoris. But to reiterate my point, there are women who do like direct clitoral stimulation -- once again, it's about asking.

4. I think learning to play the clitoris is like learning a musical instrument. It's about repetition and rhythm. While variety is the spice of life, you have to be able to repeat the same pattern with some variation. I think a lot of people either are too repetitive, or they vary the stimulation way too much. It is about finding a balance, and it involves asking questions about what is working and what isn't for that particular person.

5. With all the yammering on about the G spot there hasn't been a lot of consideration for the other erotic spots on the external female genitals. Rubbing along the sides of the vulva feels divine because it stimulates the crura (the legs of the clitoris). The clitoris is a far larger organ that most people think, and much of its erectile tissue extends inside the body and surrounds the vagina.

So, stroke the perineum (the taint) and pull the vaginal lips. There's tons of nerve endings in the labia (which is sadly considered disposable window dressing by women seeking labiaplasty). Get creative, trying licking, taping, pulling, tugging, rubbing and vibrating. Odds on, she will find something that floats her boat.

6. I would never recommend any kind of vaginal or anal stimulation unless a woman has been aroused by clitoral play first. And then I wouldn't recommend stopping clitoral stimulation unless she has orgasmed. For many women, arousal will drop if the clitoris is taken out of the equation. So, that means that some form of clitoral stimulation should continue during intercourse -- unless she is vaginally orgasmic (only 30% of women are).

7. I think for many women developing an erotic fantasy life is necessary for orgasmic sex. Recently, I suggested to a friend who wasn't that familiar with erotica the classic Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. She is still thanking me weeks later. My friend is in her 60s, and she and her boyfriend (also in his 60s) had some extremely HOT sex. A very sexy read. Female friendly porn like Candida Royalle and Tony Comstock is also a good idea to learn what turns you on. If you are more conservative, you could try the old female standby the romance novel.

Quote of the Day: Germaine Greer

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:48:00 +0000

Much of my life has been about freeing myself from shackles. Some of these shackles came from my parents, some were from society, and some were self-imposed. In regards to the latter, I have made progress, but I have a long way to go. A long way.

Socially, our culture has a long way to go in accepting women as fully deserving and entitled individuals. So much of what constitutes traditional femininity is a charade. A way of not being who you are, of shaping your second-rate self into a first rate copy of something more acceptable that doesn't take up so much space. Women are taught to smile when we feel like crying (or screaming), to contract ourselves into uncomfortable close-legged positions, and starve our bodies on a steady diet of shame and self-loathing. The madness never ends.

As I grow older, it gets a little better. Mainly because I am so tired of all the bullshit, and I don't care about pissing people off as much anymore. I don't care as much about my cottage cheese thighs, since I am too old to be Miss America now. And I don't care as much about pleasing others. I recently had to let a friend go because she didn't respect my feelings about a particular issue. And I have lost lovers because of my unwillingness to play the submissive female and keep my mouth shut. I am sick of being expected to be something I'm not.

This was the subject of Germaine Greer's book The Female Eunuch, which was a phenomenon when it was released in 1970. Here is one of my favorite quotes from the book:

"Maybe I couldn’t make it. Maybe I don’t have a pretty smile, good teeth, nice tits, long legs, a cheeky arse, a sexy voice. Maybe I don’t know how to handle men and increase my market value, so that the rewards due to the feminine will accrue to me. Then again, maybe I’m sick of the masquerade. I’m sick of pretending eternal youth. I’m sick of belying my own intelligence, my own will, my own sex. I’m sick of peering at the world through false eyelashes, so everything I see is mixed with a shadow of bought hairs; I’m sick of weighting my head with a dead mane, unable to move my neck freely, terrified of rain, of wind, of dancing too vigorously in case I sweat into my lacquered curls. I’m sick of the Powder Room. I’m sick of pretending that some fatuous male’s self-important pronouncements are the objects of my undivided attention, I’m sick of going to films and plays when someone else wants to, and sick of having no opinions of my own about either. I’m sick of being a transvestite. I refuse to be a female impersonator. I am a woman, not a castrate.”

Can We Out the Clitoris? Finally?

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 06:29:00 +0000

Well, I am going to start off the new year with a bitch about Google. The world's foremost web browser (among other things) apparently doesn't much care for one of the finer parts of the female anatomy -- the clitoris. If you set the filter on Google search to strictly filter out adult content, it also filters out the word "clitoris".

That is, you will get nothing if you type the word in Google search. Absolutely nada. Apparently, Google has put this medically correct term for a woman's primary sex organ on its list of dirty words that are not "family friendly" for safe search. However, if you type in "penis" you get 196,000,000 returns. A man's dick, it seems, isn't obscene but a clit is.

However, even scientific journals suffer from lockjaw around the clitoris; so, maybe I shouldn't be mad at Google. Researchers Shirley Ogletree and Harvey Ginsberg looked at the terms used to describe genitalia in the PsychINFO database (a prominent psychology database) from 1887 to 2000 and found that penis was used in 1,482 sources, vagina in 409, while clitoris was only mentioned in 83. They also analyzed 57 books listed in a computer database for sex instruction. In the majority of the books, penis was the most commonly discussed body part – mentioned more than clitoris, vagina, and uterus put together.

How fucked up is that?

Like most women, I grew up hearing everything "down there" called "vagina" -- oh, scratch that, I grew up hearing nothing at all. Lol. My bad. (This also seems to be a common theme among women). Many feminists (including me) object to calling every nook and protrusion on the female genitals "vagina". Are we being uptight stick-in-the-muds wigging out over semantics? I don't think so. I think limiting the female genitals to the term vagina is the equivalent of a semantic castration.

Where's the clit?

All this does is keep the clitoris in the closet, and confuse young women about their bodies. It is also a way of not talking about the clitoris -- which nobody wants to think about anyway because it is such a transgressive little organ. The 17th century scientist Jacques Duval once referred to the clitoris as "a temptation, the spur to sensual pleasure, the female rod, and the scorner of men".

I also think calling a woman's genitals by the wrong name is one reason why many women don't masturbate. Scientists have known since Kinsey that women masturbate less often than men and often don't take up the habit until later in life. Women often start their sex lives with a partner with little self-knowledge regarding what makes pussy go purr, which basically means she's starting the race off with a bum leg. I know a lot of people believe that women don't masturbate as children because of parental repression. But I don't think that this is necessarily always the case. I never remember being told not to masturbate as a child, but since I didn't know jack shit about my anatomy, it never occurred to me to doing anything. Maybe I was an unadventurous child. I don't know.

My theory is that it is primarily women with hypersensitive clits who masturbate as children. I say this because so many women seem to report a childhood masturbation history using some weird, indirect form of stimulation, like humping Teddy till his ears fall off and his nose is bent out of shape. I suspect that women who are less sensitive (like me) and need more direct stimulation are not as likely to discover masturbation on their own. We need knowledge. And calling everything down there "vagina" simply keeps us in the dark.

We are less likely to explore our bodies because we don't know what is going on with our anatomy. The pussy is just some weird no man's land with a sign that says "no trespassing allowed". Also, this sad situation leads to massive confusion during sex with a partner. Men are less likely to understand the clitoris's importance because they never hear about. And if something isn't talked about, it usually isn't considered terribly important.

I used to believe that the female genitals should be called "vulva". Mainly, because that term included the whole shebang -- inside and out. But I have come to the conclusion if we use the term clitoris, maybe the female crown jewel with her 8,000 plus nerve endings might get some respect. It makes sense, we call the male anatomy by its most important part -- not some odd amalgamation of penis and testicles. Saying vulva leads to less press for the clitoris and makes it less clear what is going on.

So, just say clitoris.

Man Candy Friday: Merry Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 23:35:00 +0000

Here's a little Christmas cheer (Lilith style) to warm your hearts and other body parts too. Merry Christmas to all.

A Vibrator for Your Dog? Five Odd Sex Toys to Give Your Sweetie for Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 21:15:00 +0000

I did say odd. So, don't say I didn't warn you. For those who have tired of the standard Babeland sex toy fare and find it just isn't cutting it anymore, here is a list of the weird and the wacky. From Cracked: The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

1. First up, the pig tail butt plug: Have you ever wanted your partner to get down on all fours and squeal like a pig during a randy romp session? Well, you sound like the perfect customer for the pig tail butt plug. Just plug 'em up and slide in some sausage. Yee haw.

2. The anal speculum: For those who really want to get to know their loved one up close and personal -- I mean "colon" close-- there is the anal speculum. From my understanding, speculums allow doctors to peer into human body cavities. I am not sure just why you would want to see the fully digested remains of your partner's last burrito before (or even after) sex, but to each his or her own.

3. Electro-sex gloves: If you have problems getting turned on, this little device might come in handy, no pun intended. After all, there's nothing quite like an electrical current to jolt some heat into your love life. Put your paws in these gloves and electrocute the shit out of yourself and your lover! However, the devices says it's not recommended for pregnant women or those with a pacemaker. Yeah.

4. Kaylani's Foot Fetish: Some people like vulvas and some people like feet. Sadly, for those who would prefer otherwise, these two body parts are usually separated by several inches. Well, not anymore. Now you can have your foot and fuck it too, or lick it, or... well, you get the picture...

5. Hotdoll: I adore animals, and I usually get my cat some catnip for Christmas. Some pet owners prefer to attend to their pet's other needs. For them, there is the hotdoll: a doggy vibrator. Yep, it's come to that. I am sure Paris Hilton probably has twenty.

For twenty more disturbing gifts click here.

Getting Your Kink On

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 04:47:00 +0000

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, believed that human beings develop by progressing (successfully) through a series of psychosexual stages. At each stage, the libido becomes attached to a particular body part, first the mouth, then the anus, and finally the genitals -- at which point, you should be a well adjusted heterosexual. But sometimes, the libido takes a detour...

It becomes attached to an inappropriate object (according to Freud), and next thing you know -- you (yes, you sitting there with the rubber pants on) are prancing around like a pony with a bit in your mouth. This is how Freud understood the development of a fetish (technical term paraphilia) -- slang term (flying your freak flag).

Of course, you could also use learning theory to explain human sexual kinkiness too. For example, as a child, a cross dresser could have gotten a major (if incidental boner) upon accidentally glimpsing his aunt in her skivvies. And somewhere in the dark recesses of his youthful, kinky brain he put two and two together and came up with skivvies = supersized boners! Eventually, a fun idea was born -- let's try wearing them! Of course, I doubt it is that direct. But still...who knows.
It seems humans have always liked to get their kink on -- particularly those staid Victorians (for the record, pornography and prostitution flourished during the Victorian era). My personal belief is that the amount of sexual repression present in American society coupled with our anxiety about the subject creates a situation where the erotic becomes associated with the forbidden. And, as we all know, forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.

Case in point, your webmistress here grew up in a family where sex was never discussed, and wearing anything revealing was considered to be the height of sluttiness. I was raised to keep everything of interest covered. Naturally, I had (and have) a lot of of exhibitionist fantasies. Love that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone shows what her mama gave her. Yep, that scenario provided yours truly with a lot of happy orgasms. Thanks Sharon.

I came across some rather odd fetishes, while writing this piece. For example, a Japanese fetish called Tamakeri is quite popular among masochistic men and involves testicle torture. Videos of this act often show a woman kicking the bejesus out some guy's balls. All I have to say is OUCH, and I'm a girl; so, I can't even appreciate how bad that must feel! Another fetish (also from Japan) called Omorashi revolves around the relief one feels when he or she relieves a full bladder. Typically, these videos show desperate women losing it mid-supermarket or in some other other embarrassing, public place. I think the embarrassment must be a big part of the turn on here.

Here is an interesting movie on fetishes, and I have to ask, dear reader, what's your kink?

The One-Sided Hookup and the Orgasm Gap

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 21:48:00 +0000

Hooking up has been the subject of a lot of media attention over the last few years. Most of it not good. Leaving aside those who insist that hooking up is leading women (but not men) down the merry road to hell, there is a far greater problem.

Seems, it may not be that much fun anyway -- at least not for the woman. According to an upcoming article in the Journal of Sex Research, many women find it difficult to negotiate cunnilingus with casual sex partners.

Laura Backstrom, Elizabeth Armstrong, and Jennifer Puentes conducted in-depth interviews with 43 participants. And found, in general, that muff diving was not an expected part of the hookup menu. Men mainly perform oral sex in relationships, not with a casual FWBs. This isn't a new finding. Elizabeth Armstrong has done previous research supporting the old adage "that it is better to give than to receive" is lost on the male member of most casual hookups.

Women are a far more likely to perform oral sex during a hookup than to receive it, which is one of the reasons that college age women report climaxing only one-third of the time in first time hook-ups, and no more than half the time in repeat hook-ups (more than one sexual encounter with the same person). Most women require direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and oral sex is one of the most common ways women climax with a partner.

On the other hand, cunnilingus is an expected part of relationship sex, which is a thorn in the side of those women who don't like it. (And not everybody does). Backstrom, Armstrong, and Puentes pointed out that negotiating these issues can be a huge problem. In hookups, women who like receiving oral sex often had to be very assertive to get it. Nor, was this always successful.

The researchers argued that cultural shame regarding the female body and female sexual pleasure led to confusion and ambiguity about the place of cunnilingus in heterosexual sex. Especially, in a casual scenario. According to England:

“Women and men are more ambivalent about the importance of women’s sexual pleasure [outside] of relationships,” says England. “Our findings suggest that both women and men have absorbed a notion that women are entitled to sexual pleasure in a relationship, but not necessarily in casual scenarios.”

Plus, most men aren't that emotionally invested in a casual hookup, booty call, or random fuck, and therefore may not give a rat's rosy red one whether she gets anything out of it or not. One participant told Armstrong, in no uncertain terms, that "with his girlfriend, “definitely oral is really important [for her to orgasm],” but that with a casual hookup, “I don’t give a shit.”

Another young man echoed these cheery sentiments saying, “Now that I’m in a relationship, I think [her orgasm is] actually pretty important. More important than [in a] hookup. Because you have more invested in that person…When it’s a hookup you feel less investment.”

So, Are You a Sexual Housecat, a Tigress, or Both?

noreply@blogger.com (Lilith) — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 21:46:00 +0000

I post this film with a certain degree of hesitation. It is a French documentary that claims to explain the female orgasm, and naturally it is called "The Female Orgasm Explained". I watched it a few times, and then it hit me -- I realized that this is how western culture often views female sexual pleasure -- in all or none terms. We women are either sex crazed tigresses or neutered housecats. Apparently, there is no in between. I think our society dichotomizes women this way because we don't know what to do with female sexuality. It is too socially and politically dangerous, given that women don't fit the male model of sexuality very well.

This movie seems to view women as hungry tigresses. Much fanfare is accorded the feminine version of "la petite mort" (French for "little death"), and it (the female orgasm) is described as "devastating"and "thunderous". Nubile, young women (almost nobody over 25 was interviewed) yammer on about how they scream and twist about during the "big moment", and female ejaculation is touted as a "superorgasm".

Bullshit. No wonder so many women are confused.

We either blow female sexuality up until it is this mythic thing, or reduce it to rubble. One common stereotype about women is that orgasm is far more difficult for us, but, at the same time, it is purported to be an overwhelming, gut wrenching experience -- replete with bells rings, trumpets blaring, and stars aligning. If your head didn't spin around, and you didn't spit out pea soup, you didn't come. At least that's what I thought when I was 18.

The fact is that orgasm varies from woman to woman and within the same woman over the course of time. No two orgasms are alike. And not all women take forever to come (contrary to popular opinion, we're not all crock pots). Kinsey (one of the greatest sex researchers of the 20% century) found that many women could masturbate to orgasm within three minutes. He also found that only 4% of women were unable to orgasm during masturbation.

Nor is it always an overwhelming, loud, back-arching experience. Sex researcher Shere Hite found that many women reported being still, quiet, and rigid during orgasm. One woman said that her experience of orgasm confused both her and her partner(s):

"Up until my early thirties, I didn't know if I was, or wasn't; having an orgasm, since the type of orgasm I thought I was supposed to have was not what my partners thought I should have."

Another woman said much the same thing:

"A lot of my partners think I'm strange because I'm very quiet and I get very much into my head when I have an orgasm. They think because I don't pant, scream, and claw I haven't had one."

Another problem with our movie is that it implies that a woman must abandon herself to an experienced man to hit the erotic high notes. The sad thing about that view is that our satisfaction becomes dependent on a man's sexual skills. And if he doesn't have any, we are shit out of luck. While this may work okay in the movies and in romance novels; it doesn't play out so well in reality -- particularly when Indiana Jones can't find your temple of doom. More often than not what really works is owning your sexuality, not surrendering it to a lover.

I remember being terribly confused as a young girl about what I was experiencing sexually. Was I normal? Was that a "real orgasm"? I mean I didn't thrash about, or scream bloody murder. I didn't want sex all the time. And my libido came and went. Often, to my great disappointment, sex was better in my head than it was in my bed. As for male sexual expertise, I quickly learned I was vastly more knowledge than any of my lovers. They didn't know shit.

As I grew older and learned more, I realized that I wasn't broken just a little bent. The fact is that we women (like men) come in all flavors. And female orgasm is pretty much the same way. Some women take five minutes to get off, some take over an hour. Some of us scale operatic heights during our grand finale, while others are as quiet as church mice. Some of us move around a lot during orgasm, while others are perfectly still. Some us experience noticeable vaginal contractions, and some don't.

Sexual desire seems to have the same level of diversity, which calls into question the whole concept of "low sex drive". Low compared to what? To whom? Is there really such a thing? We don't speak of low artistic ability or low musical ability and wring our hands. No. We just accept that musical or artistic ability is a human "extra" that doesn't have a distinctive, practical purpose in terms of helping us survive.

Most of our sexuality is an "extra". It is above and beyond what is necessary for procreation, given that we can have intercourse all year but can only get pregnant during a limited time frame. Why would there be a rock solid "average level of desire" behind any of this? So, I believe the answer to my rhetorical question is that we women are both -- a neutered housecat and a tigress, a madonna and a whore. Every woman, at some point in her life, has been or will be, a housecat, a tiger, a lady, a whore, a nun, and a bitch goddess -- all rolled into one imperfect human ball. Anyway, just some thoughts... Here's the movie.